Where Is Parsifal? (1984) Movie Script

We're home.
Watch your head.
Go on.
All right?
Yes. Thank you.
Why didn't she come?
It's my birthday.
That's all right.
Forget about it.
Watch your head.
Pleasant dreams.
Bitch, this is it.
Look at that.
Come on. Come on.
Let's get up there.
By George,
I think we've done it.
Well, are you just gonna lie
there and stare at me?
Don't be so shy.
Not like that,
silly boy.
Here, let me show you.
Because of its relatively
simple structure,
an insect probably feels
little pain if it's injured.
Goddamn it!
what are you doing?
Stop it.
Ivan, please stop it.
Come on.
This hurts everything,
All you think,
that is a damn door.
I'll have to sound proof
Calm down.
Oh, Jesus.
Calm down, it's okay.
Calm down. Lay down, okay?
What would you say
to $100,000
to the exclusive rights
for this whatchamacallit?
A million.
To me 3 million.
Three million dollars.
I'll take it.
I'll sell it for 3 million-
Sell it. Sell it.
Uh, a nightmare.
Nobody can buy it
for $3 million.
Oh, God, I'm gonna die.
Oh, he's not in.
Do you know where
I can find him?
Oh, he's in London?
What a coincidence, so am I.
Could you tell me
where he's staying?
Oh, you didn't understand
what I said?
Could you tell me where
he's staying?
At the Dorchester,
of course.
Where else would he stay
but at the Dorchester?
It's a wonderful hotel.
Have you ever been there,
Mrs. James?
Oh, it's Miss James.
Excuse me while I call him.
Thank you so much.
Just 20 seconds.
I'm out of shape.
And he's not here!
If that's Mackintosh,
I'm in the hospital.
If it's Thompson,
I'm out of town,
and if it's Shwartz,
you've never heard of me.
But if it's Board,
I'm available.
The red phone,
the plumber,
but on the black phone,
Hello? Hello?
Come out. Speak.
There was no reply.
Michael was there in the bed.
I can't swim!
I was looking for a match.
Why don't you use that lighter
you stole from me?
The gold one
with my monogram on it.
Ah, here, look.
I had matches all the time.
My silk scarf from India
has also disappeared.
And my egg.
You et it.
I wrote my name on it,
I know my egg.
You give me back my egg.
Beersbohm. Beersbohm.
Where are you?
It's the phone,
I'll take the call.
Sure. Pick it up.
Herr Doktor
is in the slammer.
The clink.
Is it Henry Board?
Nein, it was the plumber.
Asking for the small sum
he didn't get last year.
Ivan, Ivan,
why aren't you at school?
What is this a school project?
Modern art, I see. Very nice.
Will you stop hammering?
Where's Elba?
Oh, I wouldn't worry
if I were you.
Oh, well, you're not me,
and I'm worried.
She has no consideration
for me at all. Nothing!
I can't even hear my pulse.
Ah, this is terrible.
I got a report from my school
this morning.
I don't know what to do.
I failed.
You see,
I have this problem.
Ivan. Come here.
Come here please. Sit down.
My health is failing.
I'm not very well.
I have this invention.
Incredible invention.
I have it.
I mean, I don't own it,
but I have control over it.
And it's worth millions.
All I have to do is find
somebody to buy it.
Now, the only one
that could buy it
is a man called Henry Board.
But he won't call me
on the phone.
Didn't you hear
what I just said?
Fifty million, he's got,
hundred million.
I failed in school!
Two, three, four-
You failed in school?
You mean you're
not gonna get a diploma?
You mean you're not gonna
have an education?
That means you won't
marry a rich girl.
This is terrible news.
This is just terrible.
You do look rather pale.
What do you mean,
I look pale?
How pale?
Pretty pale.
What do you mean,
pretty pale?
Is that very pale, light pale,
dark pale, what pale?
Pretty pale.
Pretty pale.
Oh, come on, Parsi,
not that pale,
just a little bit pale.
I am pale.
Now, Ivan, I want you
to tell me the truth.
The other day when your mother
was talking to the doctor,
they spoke
for a very long time
in they kept looking
in my direction.
What did they say?
She was telling him about her
guilt complex and insomnia.
You're such a good son.
You don't want to
frighten me. Tell me the truth.
She was looking
at me strangely.
You said so yourself.
I didn't say she was looking
at you strangely.
I said that Elba
was looking strange.
Herr Doktor, Mackintosh is...
Tell him I'm out to lunch.
No, tell him
I'm out to dinner.
Oh, I forgot.
I have a surprise.
You thought I'd forget,
didn't you?
was your birthday.
Happy birthday.
Son, this is for you.
From your father.
Oh, Parsi,
you're not sick.
You just don't know what
it's like to be dying.
Nor do you.
Now, don't be disrespectful
to your father.
I send you to a beautiful,
good school. And what happens?
You fail. Huh.
I try to maintain this house,
I have a nice place to live,
all these people around you.
People? Parasites.
How about that Bern
from Borsboom?
He's a complete phony.
And how about that Chotimoff.
He's a liar and a thief.
I mean, why do you keep
them around?
And how about that freak,
Now, just a minute,
just a minute.
Jasper the Giant,
that's your mother's.
Choffi, Beersbohm, they're
friends of each other's youth.
They did me a favor once.
I cannot abandon them.
But these other people,
these crazies
that your mother brings
into the house.
She wants to change
the world.
I just don't understand it.
They're gonna take away
my house, my home,
the place I live,
the creditors are after me,
and where's your mother
when I need her?
Oh, I remember when
it used to be so nice.
Herr Doktor, I am afraid Madame
has just arrived.
She's here? All right.
No word about Mackintosh,
about the house, nothing, right?
At least they can't sue me.
Who would sue a dying man?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Who is that man out there?
There's a white dove
in the house!
There's a dove in the house!
Please help us. Keep that
man from getting in the house.
I don't wanna see that
Dove gain.
Happy birthday, Ivan.
My birthday was yesterday.
What have you done
to your door, Ivan?
That door is soundproof.
And I won't hear you anymore!
You ask about his door, but
you don't care about my health.
I don't understand, Parsifal?
Why should Ivan want to build
such a heavy door?
Maybe he doesn't want
to hear you and Luke.
Let me tell you something,
Elba, that Luke must go.
Go, go, go.
You know, you don't listen.
Dr. Rosenthal says
I'm a very sick man,
and Dr. Blumenthal says
I won't last the winter.
Dr. Blumenthal died
10 years ago.
He never said a word.
Can you imagine?
Hi, there.
I didn't know you could
roller skate too.
Hey, watch out!
Mr. Board. I want to speak
to Mr. Henry Board II.
Hello? Yes.
How many times I have to tell
you to lick both sides?
If you are such great licker,
lick them yourself.
That is not my responsibility,
my dear.
But I am a better
licker than you.
Shh! Danke schoen.
What are these things still
doing there?
Why have they not been sent
to these people on the list?
Herr Doktor,
already we have mailed
the brochures
to half the people!
Well, what about
the other half?
How will they buy the invention
without a brochure?
No more stamps.
Well, then buy stamps.
No more money!
Then buy money!
It's you, Luke.
How long are you going
to keep working
on that bird of paradise?
Elba, have you made up
your mind?
Will it be a yes or no?
Did Ivan eat his breakfast
this morning?
You can never give me a
straight answer, can you?
Why did he build
such a heavy door, Luke?
Aren't you doing
the same thing to me, Elba?
Why won't you let me
love you?
How long do I have to
roller-skate around this house?
He is not a child anymore.
He knows how I feel about you.
Now please, Elba.
Leave me alone.
Ivan. Ivan.
I know you're in there,
Please come out,
I beg you.
I beg you, Ivan,
please open this damn door.
Ivan. Ivan. Please.
What do you want?
Listen, Elba,
don't try to apologize.
But if your friend stays,
my friend Sheila stays too
in my room.
You hear?
Luke was only trying
to give a massage-
I don't care what Luke
was trying to give you.
Don't you dare ask one
of my friends to leave.
Or I'll-
At least it's finished.
Why don't you face reality?
I mean if you're really going
to create, then really do it.
Don't pin your dreams on me.
Just go your own way
and let me be.
Whatever I am.
Just let me be.
Maybe I'm just an ordinary boy,
I don't know.
I don't care.
But just let me find out
for myself.
Myself, myself, myself.
You're losing me money.
You'll get the rest of the
money when I make the deal.
Yes, I have a customer.
No, but I can't tell you
what his name is.
I'm not allowed to say.
Rudevitch, I cannot tell you
what his name is.
I will tell you
as soon as I can.
What? Hold on one minute.
What is it?
Mackintosh, careful
with the harp.
Mr. Katzenellenbogen.
I'm a hard man.
I am a hard man, man!
You knew that when you come
to me to borrow money,
it's your fault, neither
a borrower nor lender, be.
That's Rabbi Burns.
I trusted you.
And on what, some crackpot
machine that prints in the sky?
Rudevitch, later.
You promised to repay my loan.
And so far, I haven't seen
a single ball bead back.
If we was in Scotland,
if we was in
County McGillicuddy,
you'd have been staring
at the walls of a hoosegow
for the past wee
month already.
Oh, should I take
that with me now?
No, no.
You don't want to-
Before you hide it
away somewhere.
Tired, to be or not to be,
that is the $64 question.
That's Rabbi Burns.
Rabbi Burns.
I don't know Rabbi Burns.
That's a joke.
Joke, is it?
It's not Hogmanay night.
There'll be no Auld Lang Syne
between us, now.
You'll either pay me today
or out it all goes.
Every one one of your sticks
are chapped.
I've got buyer coming today.
Really a very important
This old shmuck
is giving me trouble.
Shmuck, is it? Shmuck?
You scrawny haggis.
I may be a shmuck.
But I've got more
than my sporran
between my legs.
Rudevitch, hello?
He hung up.
Get the door.
I'll have the phone.
Will you get the door.
he's locked in his room,
so no tinkle-tinkle piano
lesson today, no.
And now, a few words
from that famous actor,
Montague Chippendale,
on behalf of Board Industries.
I'm Montague Chippendale.
Yes, in those golden days
of Hollywood,
to be fat was to be funny.
Hello? Yes. Mr. Board, please.
Mr. second, the Board.
Thank you, I will hold.
As for myself,
being a famous movie star,
I naturally have
to watch my figure.
That's why, every day,
I take LiViTs.
Hello, Henry.
It's Parsifal.
A friend of your father.
How is your father?
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, I hope he recovers.
Oh, he has recovered,
well, good for him.
Let me tell you something,
Uh, Henry,
if I may call you Henry II?
I've been watching
your commercial on television.
You've got Chippendale.
Wonderful commercial.
Must be doing business,
Not wonderful, terrible.
That's wonderful.
I didn't mean
it's wonderful for you,
it's wonderful for me,
because I have an invention
that I think will improve
your business sales.
No question about it.
It will increase LiViTs
by 100 percent.
Did you read my brochure?
You saw it
but you didn't read it.
Don't bother reading it,
come and see it.
I can't bring it to you.
It's too big, too cumbersome.
And it's bolted to the floor.
Why don't you come
to my house?
You will? I mean, you will?
Wonderful. Tonight.
Beersbohm. I got him.
Board. I got Board.
Yes, and his associate,
what's his name,
Montague Chippenshare.
Think of what's in it.
Herr Doktor, I always say,
never despair.
This man is a millionaire!
There's money, money, money.
Yeah, yeah, truly big fish!
This time the little fish
will eat the big fish.
Oh, my dear,
did you hear what happened?
I heard.
Isn't it wonderful news?
It's awful news.
Get out of my way!
What's with your face?
Get out of my way.
It means a lot to us! Sugar.
Elba, now you wait a minute.
Elba, I will not stand
for this.
You listen. Tonight
you'll be down at 8:00...
...want you to meet Board
and Chippendale...
I want to have a dinner tonight
that's par excellence!
you call the grocer.
I want caviar, shish kebab,
you wait for a minute,
I want everything you
can put together.
Get it immediately.
Herr Doktor.
Yes? What?
You owe the grocer quite a sum.
Don't tell me what I owe him.
I know I owe him.
And tell him I'll pay him
tomorrow. s usual.
Elba. Elba.
Now, Elba, wait a minute.
Do you know who this Board
is and what he means to me?
Do you know what nuclear
missiles are? Chemical warfare?
What has this nonsense
got to do with me?
Is pollution nonsense?
Hominal feeling, nonsense.
Hominal feeling?
Radioactive contamination
But what has that got to do
with my invention?
It is not your invention.
It's my invention.
You bought it from a poor,
unknown Polish inventor
and haven't even finished
paying for it.
And now you want to sell it
to a ruthless man
like Henry Board.
You don't want to face facts.
You're the one that doesn't
want to face facts.
I know what
you're trying to do.
You're trying to ruin me.
You're trying to
cast a spell on me.
Look. You did! Elba!
Wait a minute.
Do you have to wear
a hat
in the house all the time,
Now, are you coming
to the party?
No. I will not be coming
to the dinner tonight.
Then don't come to
the dinner.
I won't.
The drain pipe broke.
I had to cut it off
or there would have
been a flood.
There's no water.
Call the plumber!
I did!
But they haven't yet
they weren't paid
the last time.
Nor the grocer.
He refuses to send us any more
food unless we pay.
Wait a minute.
Luke, one minute.
Sacrania helicopteris.
Insects, you know, hmm.
They devour everything
in their way.
Doesn't everybody.
Come here, young man.
Roll over.
Sit down, please.
Make yourself comfortable.
Careful. There you are.
Oh. Almost lost it.
Like the house?
Yes, I do.
Wonderful, isn't it?
Been here over a year now,
have you not?
Yes, I think
almost 14 months.
Fourteen months,
love the house?
You must love it so much,
you hardly ever go, heh.
True. It's such
an unusual house.
Unusual. Very unusual.
The wine is excellent.
Hmm, radio, billiards,
television, everything
you would want, huh.
You even sleep in my bed.
Well, I only slept there once.
He's slept in it more
often than I have.
Beersbohm, don't argue.
We'll talk about it later.
You, sir,
are moving to a hotel.
Why should I?
We made an arrangement.
What arrangement,
you schnerer?
$250 a month?
Seven months ago, you never
paid me a penny yet, huh.
I saw you got a check
from your father.
What do you do with
the money
that you're supposed
to give me?
You go out and buy Valentino
trousers and roller-skates.
Well, now I want the check,
or you're out.
It's an ultimatum.
I don't care about
what you've been doing.
But this is very unfair!
The check, or out. Pen.
Thank you.
The plumber and the grocer.
Uh, Beersbohm,
I need a favor.
Tonight we have some
very special guests,
and it would be impossible
to have the dinner
served improperly.
And the only one
that can give it
its impeccable taste
is your good self,
and therefore I would like
for you to be the butler.
The butler!
Beersbohm performing as
the butler?
Nein, Herr Doktor, nein!
Beersbohm. Beersbohm.
For what we've been
through together.
For our friendship.
For the future.
Please. I beg you.
Well, then.
If I may ask a small,
personal favor of you.
Anything. Anything.
Tonight, in front
of the honored guests,
please do not address me
by my family name.
Call me, call me Bohm.
He has become
Bohm the butler.
Bohm the butler.
You think that's so funny?
You're setting
the table.
Yes, the doilies
and the napkins
and the dishes and the spoons
and don't break anything.
That's an ultimatum.
Beersbohm, one other thing,
this is very confidential.
I do not want madam
drinking at all.
We don't want her drunk
tonight, do we?
No drunks tonight.
No drunks tonight.
Oh, hi.
What do you want?
I have to talk to you.
It's very important.
I want you to come
to dinner tonight.
This guy, Mr. Board
and Mr. Chippendale,
I want you there.
No. No, I'm practicing.
But I want you
You don't need me.
Stop in for a drink.
Don't stay long.
Just stop by and say hello.
I hate this door.
Elba. Elba,
will you clean up this mess?
It's stinking up
the whole house.
House, house, house.
Another thing.
I'm just afraid that this
party's gonna be a disaster.
Disaster. Disaster.
Look, will you do
something about...
Isn't it divine?
A candle for your dinner party.
Damn heavy, this Buddha.
Buddha is light.
You know, I really can't quite
make you out, old boy.
Today is holy Friday,
the day upon which we landed.
Today my task will end,
then it is for Elba to carry on.
Actually, I thought
she was leaving with me.
No, my friend, she will
leave with no mortal man.
She is chosen.
When she discovers the truth,
she will die.
You know,
you really are getting
a little morbid,
old boy.
Have you decided?
Can you see the car?
Nothing, Herr Doktor, nothing.
Well, the car's expected now.
My God.
My God.
My God.
They're coming!
My God!
Let me get a look.
Get him.
Stick him in your pocket,
do something.
Now go on!
Oh, this is terrible.
Let me kill him.
Here, come this way.
Go. Go.
The porch, that's him.
Aah, drop him off!
We can't leave him here.
The coffin.
I don't like coffin.
Herr Doktor.
Come in, come in,
come in, come in.
Doktor, and I wonder
why you ration.
Have mastered the situation.
Mackintosh is a prisoner
in Moore Jack's coffin.
Moore Jack's coffin,
Mackintosh, heh, heh.
Where else should
a bloodsucker be?
Look, Herr Doktor.
Beersbohm thinks of everything.
The key to the cellar.
The schnitzel.
The schnitzel.
...the police, hurry up.
Oh, Elba!
What are you doing?
I'm practicing.
What are you practicing?
Do try to remember
who won the war!
Don't take it personally.
Oh, come along.
You're not growing any hair.
Bonsoir. I come to play
the piano tonight.
Get the door.
Here you are, sir.
Look after Winston, Bradford.
Yes, sir.
Herr Henry Board II
and Herr Montague Chippendale.
The first.
At last we meet,
Mr. Board.
It's a great pleasure
to meet you.
Oh, I'd know you anyplace,
Mr. Board.
Oh, and Mr. Chippendish.
How do you do?
How do you do? Yes.
You brought your advisors.
Put them in the kitchen,
give them something to eat.
Excuse me, gentlemen!
That's my mother-in-law.
Please come in,
pay no attention.
Bird sanctuary.
Please, won't you come in.
I got you. Got you!
Please, Mr. Chippendash.
Don't throw ashes on the Bible.
We're not in Alcatraz, mister.
My dear.
Uh, this is...
Yes, you must be
Montague Chippendale.
How do you do, ma'am?
Not too well.
I hope we're not too early.
You are indeed, but sit down.
Thank you.
Mr. Board.
This is my wife.
My name is Elba.
Yes, Elba.
We just-
Damn, damn.
I gotta get him.
That goddamn bird
just shits all over the place.
Ruth, I have guests in the house
and my wife is present.
Say, there.
Aren't you Montague Chippendale?
Oh, I sure love your movies.
That smile you got.
You're wanted
in the kitchen.
Oh, see you later, cutie.
Glad I'm not Robert Redford.
They're rather informal
in the house.
Bohm, you may serve
the champagne.
Bohm, serve the champagne.
Ugh, Bohm.
Bohm is the most perfect
butler I've ever known.
Absolutely fascinating.
Been with the family
for years. Excellent.
Heh, yes.
No, we were just looking at
some beautiful, uh, sculptures
in the garden.
Are they Egyptian?
No, they were excavated in the
Bronx in the third century.
My wife likes
to make jokes, yes.
She was born and raised in-
Would you like some caviar?
Take two.
Take three.
Thank you.
Oh, I thank you,
my dear Bohm.
To you.
Good evening, everybody.
Oh, no.
Nice of you to drop by.
Ah, I see you already
have your champagne.
I'll just go
and pour myself a drop.
Don't I know you, mister?
Weren't you a waiter
in the executive dining room
of the World Trade Center?
I've been living in Morocco
these last two years,
abroad, you know?
Yes, carry on.
I swear you were the one
who dropped a plate of soup
down my neck.
Now, have some caviar,
Caviar, the only good thing
to come out of Russia.
All right everybody,
into the dining room.
But, Ruth, I'm just serving
the caviar
and we're just
drinking champagne.
So bring it in with you.
My borscht won't wait.
One hundred percent genuine
Jewish Russian borscht.
Just like my folks used
to make back in the Ukraine
before they got to America.
America, America
Not Berscht, borscht.
How do you pronounce it?
I just love strange,
exotic foods.
Don't you, Monty?
I don't think
I quite got your name.
His name is Borscht.
This borscht is getting
from bad to worst.
Let's go to the dining room.
Heh, first come first serve.
Please, after you.
Come in, gentlemen,
come in.
If you want, sit over there, sit
Parsifal, take your seat,
as usual.
No, there seems
to be a slight error here.
I distinctly remember the table
beginning set for five.
Forgive me, sir.
You must be mistaking me
with someone else.
My name is Bohm.
Ah, Bhom, yes.
Well, Bhom, be so good
as to set my place
at the table,
won't you?
This is delightful.
A little confusing
but delightful.
Uh, Henry here tells me
you have a wonderful invention
that can increase sales
of Livits.
Oh, absolutely.
It can't fail.
And tonight at 11:00
I will show it.
Oh, that's splendid,
old chap.
Naturally, since I have
a small financial interest,
I am, heh...
I'm, uh, rather worried
about the stuff on the shelves.
I want to get it off,
you know what I mean?
Tell me, what exactly is the
Rudevitch multilong sky printer?
Confidentially, this is
the most incredible machine
that's ever been...
Oh, Elba, dear.
You're not supposed
to drink.
My wife has an allergy
to alcohol.
The doctor told her
not to drink.
That's not true.
This incredible machine
can do something...
You take my drink,
you Judas Iscariot.
I forgot to water
the plants today.
As I was saying,
Confidentially, this machine
is so incredible...
Beersbohm! I mean, Bohm.
He's an odd fellow.
Where'd you find him?
I got him from Colonel Pitz
in the last war.
He's a forceful fellow,
isn't he?
Reminds me of a lion tamer
I once knew.
Oh, that's the door.
Excuse me, heh.
Please, eat, eat.
Hey, Camillia.
Hey, come back here.
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you were having
a dinner party.
Why, Elba.
Please excuse this intrusion.
I just happened
to be passing by.
I thought you were
in the South.
will you stop that?
What this bitch needs is just
a little bit of discipline.
Hey, Contessa, you are there?
Contessa Gabriella Veronica!
Hey, please excuse the intro.
Remain seated, everybody.
I only met your charming friend
Gabrielle Veronica
the Contessa on the way in here.
Was it Lucabam or Lucabaum...?
I didn't say, darling.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
Excuse while I take this bitch,
I mean, this dog out, here.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
You don't mind if this gorgeous
creature sits on my right?
I wouldn't mind if this gorgeous
creature sat on your left.
One thing at a time.
Here we are.
Thank you, darling.
Have her for dessert.
Yeah? Heh, heh. Wine?
How are you, well?
Still fasting, Veronica?
Heh, you noticed.
By the way, who's that vicious
looking cur tied up out there?
He means my dog, Winston,
he's looking for trouble.
No, no, no, no.
How could he say that
about your dog?
It's the gardener,
he lives there. Salute.
To the gaze
of the laughing dead.
I'll drink to that.
Are you Montague Chippendale?
I think I am, yes.
Oh, good heavens.
You seem to be everywhere,
my fellow.
Boy, if this is
the Old Beersbohm,
say, what's this bit
with the gloves and coat,
you look like
some kind of a butler.
He certainly
has a sense of humor.
You wouldn't have a couple of
bones for Camillia, would you?
Parsifal, do we have
any spare bones?
With or without flesh? Heh.
We don't have any spare bones.
Who's that guy?
Neighbor. Charming man.
Charming. Big dog. Heh,
he'll leave in a moment.
This creep another one
of your friends?
My name is Jasper.
Jasper what?
Just Jasper.
Hey, there's still a lot left.
Come on, Chippy.
You didn't even taste it.
No, no, no, please. Use mine.
Oh, thanks.
Jasper, please.
Jasper, please.
Get the, aah!
Perhaps you wouldn't mind
autographing it for me.
Let me help you.
Careful. Serve him.
I'd rather serve myself,
if you don't mind.
Boy, oh, boy.
Can you believe this, huh?
I'm sitting here next to an
honest-to-goodness movie star.
Uh, yes. Could you pass me
the bread, please?
There you go.
Thank you.
Say, I'll bet you're
an old Casanova, hey? Heh.
What business are you in,
You look like one
of them big-shot tycoons.
I bet you're into oil.
Especially on your hair.
I bet you've got a private
yacht and a private plane too.
Politics, maybe?
What is this, the FBI?
This guy looks to me
like a spook.
No, no, no. He's no spook.
Believe me, no spook at all.
No, no, this is unexpected.
These things don't usually
happen in my home.
I mean, it just happened
like this.
I mean, really, you know?
Uh, shall we go back to the
conversation of the machine?
I mean, really, entre
You know, confidentially.
He's not here.
This machine will revolutionize
advertising publicity.
Let me explain it to you.
At 11:00, up in my laboratory,
the ceiling will open.
This machine will aim itself
out into the skies,
sound waves will emanate
and it changes from sound waves
to light waves
and then you touch a couple
of buttons,
You better know what
you're talking about.
My methods of advertising
are unequaled.
Fools go around
blowing up the world.
Me, I brainwash people.
Blow off minds.
I deal with big stuff.
I don't have time for small fry.
Henry, this is not
small fry, this is big fry.
Heh, please, sit down.
Wanna hear
a really great story?
Do I have a choice?
Did he what?
Go on.
A little, old piece of paper,
it was.
Please stop.
Easy. Like me to pour a glass
of wine in your eye?
Beersbohm. I mean,
Bohmbeers, uh, Bohm.
Will you please serve
the Kulebyaka.
What is this...
It's the most delicious dish
you'll ever have in your life.
Believe me. Go.
... my tissues.
And I started swatting
it with the tissues
and I sop it up and I sop it up
and I get all the moisture off.
Then I take the corner
of this cardigan sweater
I'm wearing
and I sop that up too.
And I fold it up and I put it
in my wallet and do you know?
I still got it today.
Well, what do you know.
Grace, time to serve
the Kulebyaka.
Kulebyaka. Oh, my God.
No Kulebyaka.
No food for the guests.
Only toothpicks.
Herr Doktor!
...vaporizing of the suns...
Oh, Ruth, would you pass
the borscht around, please?
I think I had quite enough
of that borscht, thank you.
Uh, Henry.
Rumor has it
that you're interested
in buying the Vatican.
Buying the Vatican?
Are you nuts?
No one buys
a piece of the rock
where St. Peter built the center
of our faith.
Oh, it's true
that I had a word or two
with the papal secretary.
A little idea.
Certainly not a big moneymaker.
I have a plan to get the
concession for a holy drive-in.
It will mean knocking down
a few pillars.
Christ, that reminds me.
We've been at this meal
all this time
and we haven't had grace.
Oh. Grace?
May I?
Oh, please.
The grace you say, I deny.
And I deny the Pope.
Just what you do
for a living?
That depends on what you call
a living, brother.
How do guys like you
make a living?
I am, man. I live.
I am walking through the cosmic
harvest of time and death
and healing miracles
with a common breath.
You what?
I make it a point never
to repeat myself.
My breath is precious
and so would yours be
if you only understood
why you were on the Earth
in the first place.
I don't have to sit here and
listen to this hippy bastard.
No, no.
The trouble
with guys like you,
is that you've got too much
time to think and do nothing.
You creeps do
a hell of a lot more harm
than good with your brain.
And in the long run,
you're out, out on your ass.
You hear what I said, Moses?
Out on your ass!
I bet you've never seen
a drive-in church.
Have you seen a hermit crab
dance by the light of the moon?
Oh, gentlemen.
Listen, freak!
I'm gonna have you
My God, I'm gonna kick your ass
back to Kathmandu!
Oh, Kathmandu.
I have danced there
under a full moon.
I have loved there
under the full moon.
I would love to dance
for all of you.
Especially for you.
You see, Mr. Chippendale,
it has always been my secret
dream to be an actress.
Henry. Don't bother about this.
This is how they're going.
Let me tell you about
the invention.
The speed of light.
My, you are a strong person.
That is the closest thing
to being a goddess.
so with your permission?
Dance, mademoiselle,
please, dance!
Absolutely fascinating.
I love dancing,
don't you, Monty?
My body is a work of art.
I want the world
to see my body.
I have to show my body.
This is for you, Monty.
Oh. You spoilt my motivation,
you fool.
Oh, Monty.
This was for you, darling.
For God sakes!
My God! My God!
You serve the devil.
It's not a bargain, you're not
gonna get one lousy cent
for your stinking invention.
No, no, this is just a trick.
Come to my laboratory.
Are you out of your mind?
You couldn't drag me there
with a herd of elk.
Hey, tell me, magician.
What have you here?
Your coffin, sir.
And I'm supposed
to step inside
and you are going to
cut me in two?
Exactly. And I allow you
to become one again.
Freeze. Nobody move.
Put those stupid guns down.
I haven't had so much fun
in a long time.
What's my cue?
Very simple.
Take three steps closer.
Three steps.
Hold your breath.
Can't you perform
this act some other night?
Oh, no, we can't postpone
this fantastic spectacle now.
Now is the time of the burial.
This reminds me of my good old
days with the Ku Klux Klan.
Monty darling, no,
it may be dangerous, please.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll be back.
Can't somebody stop him?
Do something.
Oh, Lord, no.
Oh, my God, no, ugh.
Oh, my God! Chippy!
Monty. Please stop.
And, voila.
Where is Parsifal?
You cannot hide from me.
You had these
two hoodlums ambush me.
You will go to prison
for this.
No, we never did anything
like that.
The house is mine,
the furniture. Everything.
Not my glasses.
Oh, it's just a joke.
Your time is up, Parsifal.
He's giving a little party and
wanted to borrow some clothes.
Oh, Monty. My darling.
My precious baby.
Take it easy, oh,
my little one.
I feel so worried about you.
I feel just like Lazarus
rising from the dead.
Only I didn't have a chance
to die.
Oh, Monty, thank God.
Stand ready,
point those guns.
Till I get out of this
goddamn house.
Now get out of here. These
assholes aren't worth shooting.
Get your ass back in that chair
before I stab you with my fork.
Elba. Don't pay attention
to her.
You see, she's taking alcohol
and penicillin. Don't mix.
Yeah, well, I don't give
a damn if she takes DDT.
That woman is stark raving mad.
I'm getting out of here,
good night.
Don't you dare get up till
I tell you to.
Sit down.
Stark raving
mad, you say?
A poor fool.
Not smart like you.
Not smart at all.
I want to change the world.
First class mind mold.
The unequaled brainwasher.
You deal only
with the big stuff.
So tell me, Mr. Board.
What happens
with the small fry?
What happens
with the small fry?
Ivan, what are you, crazy?
Are you crazy?
What's wrong with you?
Clear everything out!
I gathered.
Take Board, take Chippendale.
They're never gonna believe me
when I tell them I snuggled
right up against you.
Oh, Chippy, I love you!
What're you doing with that?
You don't need that.
Why don't you bark,
Let go of me,
you lousy cockroach.
Henry, There's been a big
There's something
I forgot say.
Thank you.
Oh, wonderful.
See, I knew, ugh!
Mackintosh. Take the carpets,
take the rugs, take beds,
take the walls, take the dust,
take everything.
But if you so much as lay
a hand on that harp,
I'll kill you. That harp is
sacred, like the rainbow.
But you would even take
the rainbow into your van.
Oh, you can keep it.
Great rabbi burns.
What would we want
the broken harp.
That's nothing to me infantry.
Come on, ladies. Speed it up.
What do you thinking you're
doing there? Come on, move it.
Very good for you.
Come and see.
The man says it
is very important. Come.
Hello? Yes. This is
Parsifal Katzenellenbogen, yes.
Mr. Klingsor. Klingsor.
Oh, Mr. Klingsor.
How are you, Klingsor?
Very good. You got the brochure?
Heh, yes, I think it would be
wonderful for you. Wonderful.
You'd like a demonstration?
Tonight would be wonderful.
Yes, exactly.
Please, I'm delighted.
Mr. Klingsor, yes.
Yes, 11:00 precisely.
You'll come to the house.
The address is on the brochure.
Yes. Thank you, sir.
Klingsor. Good day.
I mean, good night.
See you at 11:00 precisely.
Thank you, sir.
Why don't you look
on the funny side of things?
Funny side?
That was the worst evening
I've spent in my life.
Look at this mess.
"Funny side."
I'm gonna check
on the Vatican deal.
Tony claims to have
an inside contact
with the Pope's masseur.
that's sacrilegious.
It's business, Chip.
Besides, my deal would do
more for the papal revenue
than anything since the...
can we talk? Good.
What's the latest?
Uh huh.
Yes? Just a minute.
There's a fellow
called Methuselah
and he ain't got much time.
I gotta go.
You tell the Pope's masseur
to keep rubbing it in.
You won't go unrewarded.
Yeah? Hey, slow down.
Slow down!
Okay, so it's urgent.
All right.
What, when? Are you sure?
You better not be joking,
or you're gonna
find yourself
pedaling up shit creek
without a canoe.
Turn around.
Turn around, sir?
Yeah, back to Katzen's
magician gang.
Step on it!
Yes, sir.
P.F. Klingsor is hot over
that invention
controlled by our friend in
that loony bin back there.
And Klingsor's no dope.
If he wants it, I want it too
but only, I want it first.
Klingsor is coming.
Yeah, Klingsor.
Well, that's different matter.
Hold everything, ladies.
Hold everything!
I want everything back
in the position it was before.
I understood.
Achtung! Henry Board II is
Parsifal, how are you?
I guess you didn't expect
to see me back so soon.
No, I didn't.
You know what, it seems that
during tonight's hullabaloo,
I dropped my address
book somewhere.
And as you can imagine,
it's very important to me.
Full of important names
and numbers.
What do you know? I must've
put it in the wrong pocket.
That was really quite a party
you threw tonight, you know?
Really something to write about
to the folks back home.
And, uh, Beer Bottle over
here's a terrific butler.
Nice household too.
Thank you.
Yes. Well, I guess
I best be on my way.
Thank you.
Au revoir.
Oh, by the way.
Good luck with that invention
of yours, what do you call it?
The Rudevitch multiline
sky printer?
Uh, wish I could help
you with it but, um...
Sorry, love.
It's not exactly
what I'm looking for.
I've got a whole new campaign
laid out for LiViTs, you know?
Your thing just doesn't fit in.
I understand.
I understand.
I mean, I'd be really happy
to take a look at it,
at anytime.
Oh. Hmm.
Give you some numbers,
put a contact.
In fact, since I'm here,
why not, I'll take a look
at it right now?
If it could help you,
I mean.
Oh, well.
Oh my.
We're going to the roof.
It's up here somewhere.
Well, well.
I like you, Katzenellenbogen.
And I feel kind of bad about
some of the things I said.
Aw, don't feel bad.
Yeah, some of the things I did.
No, nothing you did was bad.
No, I made up my mind.
When I want something,
I get it.
That is, when I wanna help
someone, nothing can stop me.
No, just like your father.
You know my father?
Oh, yes.
Fine man.
He liked you a lot,
he told me.
Oh, yeah.
And my mother.
Sweet woman. Sweet woman.
What would you say to $5000
for the exclusive rights
to this whatchamacallit?
Consider it a gift from me,
my mom and dad, huh?
What am I saying?
Stupid of me. 5000.
Sorry. 25.
$25,000 for this gimmick.
Eh, you like that, huh?
Twenty five.
All right. What the hell?
Okay, okay, make
a round sum of 50,000.
You like that? 50,000.
50,000? Oh.
I break out in a sweat.
I think my pulse is gone.
I don't feel too good,
I think I'm sick.
What, 50,000 makes you sick?
How do I get my hand
out of this thing?
Well, I have to think
about it.
Why don't we talk
about it tomorrow?
No. I mean, we can draw up
a little sales agreement
right now between you and me,
quietly up here, sign it, huh?
I can't do that.
Today's Holy Friday.
What? I never heard
of such a thing.
Well, you know, Holy Thursday,
which comes after
Holy Wednesday.
That's a three day weekend,
not counting the bank holiday.
You see, I can't work on those
days and another thing too,
some people are gonna come
take a look at my machine
and I can't make a deal
before I discuss it with them.
Uh, $100,000?
Heh, that's a lot of money.
Uh. Well, I have to think on it.
You agree?
Well,I don't disagree.
Hmm. 100,000.
You could draw up a paper now
and present it at the press
conference tonight.
Good. My press people are on
their way up here right now.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Wait a minute,
get me out of here.
Ah, Mr. Chippendale,
as the TV spokesman for LiViTs,
I wonder, could you tell us
something about
this new sky printing
Uh, something concrete
and maybe even intelligent?
Yes, of course,
it's very, very big.
Actually, um,
it's medium-size.
And to be honest with you,
it's very, very small
and it was developed
by Professor Rudevitch.
It's right here, Chippendale.
Aah. Where have you been?
Montague, my darling,
we have been looking for you.
We thought you were away.
Don't worry.
You don't mind if we take
a couple of photographs.
A little publicity never hurt.
Come with me please.
Get off me.
I put up all the money
for this invention.
I have faith in it.
Faith, hope, and charity,
as the great Rabbi Burns said.
And the greatest of these,
Capital M-A-C-
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention,
I would like to introduce
to you Mr. Henry Board.
And Mr. Parsifal
Beersbohm, executive assistant
to Mr. Katzenellenbogen.
Who is this? Who is this?
Who is that?
The man who will
buy my invention.
Who is this?
I am Henry Board II.
I am Klingsor, the 19th.
Overlord of an empire
stretching across
national frontiers.
From flower-filled Herzegovina
to the far-flung
lakeshore of Chicago.
Where, as you know,
there are only two seasons
winter and August.
But whatever we are,
our smallest stride,
our biggest thunderhead,
is 100 times more cunning
than this Scots fellow
with his little skirt.
In 1000 years,
has anyone ever stolen
anything from a gypsy?
And I, Klingsor,
am king of the gypsies.
What's your business, Klingsor?
What're you doing here?
The view.
This demonstration
was scheduled for me.
The hell it is.
He arranged it for me.
Now, boys, don't fight.
Everybody's welcome.
Ah, look who's coming.
Rudevitch, the inventor.
Come along, Rudevitch.
Bring your bike.
Make way for Rudevitch.
The brake! He invented
this bike too.
Stop it, heh.
Come along, Rudevitch,
we're late.
We're late.
You don't stand a chance,
Klingsor the 19th.
Contract's right here.
This thing works, I'm buying it.
The world's gonna
get my message.
I don't see Katzenellenbogen's
on this piece of paper.
I tell you, Board,
my dear fellow,
what the world will see
is my signature
up there.
Program ready for execution.
Einstein's theory
of relationships
is based on a simple premise.
That light travels
in one direction
and other light travels
in the other direction.
Now, somewhere along the line,
ergo, they meet.
Now the Sky printer uses
that as the basis for its-
Thirty seconds.
Ah, Rudevitch is here.
He knows more about it
than I do. Excuse me.
What? What?
30 seconds.
The power from the lasers must
warm up a little more, no?
No LiViTs tonight.
Fifteen seconds.
Fifteen seconds.
40 degrees centigrade,
slight wind from
the Northwest.
Program canceled.
Program canceled.
Ready for programming.
This is it.
A real leap here in retrospect.
That's fantastic.
That's another.
What's this?
One million. Sign.
Chicken feed.
I'll show you.
Two million. Sign.
Uh, wait a minute, laddy.
This is no time for a slinky,
timorous beasty.
That's Rabbi Burns,
you know.
Make yourself
to be doing business
with two man-eating sharks
like them.
Let me negotiate
this for you.
For a small percent.
How much?
Uh, let's say 10 percent.
Say five percent.
It's five percent.
Three million.
Four million, Katzenellenbogen.
Four million, my final offer.
Uh, wait. Financial advisor.
Five million.
"Master your fate."
What the hell is that?
"Master your fate."
No, that's master your fatty.
You lowdown son of a bitch.
No, that's-
You two-timing, scheming
weasel, that is not my slogan.
No, it's only-
I'm gonna see you cats.
I'm gonna strip you down
to your socks.
This man-
Come here.
You dimwit.
Don't you understand,
the man's a genius.
That's love.
You're letting the Pope
off the hook.
It's love,
don't you understand? Love.
And don't forget
my 10 percent.
Seven point five?
He doesn't remember.
They will remember.
Thank you.
Don't forget my 5 percent.
Oh, you old son of a bitch.
I'll be damned.
Did you sign my contract?
I did, indeed.
Not yours though.
Henry Board Two,
I don't like you very much.
I didn't like you the minute
you walked into my house.
But what I really don't
like about you is that suit.
Tacky. Excuse me.
Chip and fish, heh.
You fool. You crazy.
I would've gone to 10.
To 10 million.
And you would've been right.
You hear me?
10 million dollars.
Herr Doktor,
remember your words.
This time the little fishes
will eat the big fishes.
This time
we is the big fishes.
Thank you.