Whipped (2000) Movie Script

Everybody fucks everybody.
It's the nature of the beast.
Jesus Christ!
I can provide a woman with
pretty much anything she wants.
Sausage included.
How you doing, baby?
Here's my card.
One of the most important keys
to being a scammer
is to try and get their number,
and go to their place, if possible.
Homeless guys got it fucking made.
Forget about it.
Ive slept with nine women.
I know, nine women by the time
you're twenty-six,
it's almost like being a virgin.
But I like to think
Im just picky.
Where the fuck's my tip?
In your pants, dickhead.
You should've took a left.
Real nice.
-Fuck off, jerk.
-You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Give me your number,
Ill call you later.
The three of us can make
a Brad sandwich.
Don't touch me.
Hey, what's going on?
All right, man. How you doing?
What's up, Zeke?
After you.
SyncFix by divx.NeKryXe.com
So you see...
I got this chick
back at my apartment.
She thinks Im
her best friend's brother.
Why the fuck does she think that?
'Cause I told her I was.
Only way she'd come home with me.
Do you even know her best friend?
I never know their best friends.
But if they believe I know
their best friends, then Im safe.
-That's genius.
-What do you mean, "safe"?
Safe, you know.
She wants something in common
before she lets you in.
It's like the college connection.
She's comfortable about
letting you nail her.
She thinks you have a bond because
you went to the same school.
All of a sudden,
you're safe.
Fuck this safe bullshit.
Did you bone?
Ah, well.
Listen, okay?
I was at this club
with some guys from work.
Check out those sweet honeys!
That ho' is fly!
Look at those fucking losers.
They are totally checking us out.
Pigs. So desperate.
Bet they're lawyer
or Wall Street assholes.
They want lawyer rap.
Chicks don't dig lawyer rap,
they want Wall Street.
Yeah, pigs.
I don't know...
I think that blond one's
kind of a hottie.
Yeah, right.
What are you talking about?
Im not even sure
if they can handle me.
Go get them, tiger.
You can have him.
Those chicks are all over me, man.
Im going in.
Brad! Brad! Brad!
Have we met before?
Excuse me?
-Im sure Ive met you before.
-I don't think so.
Through a friend or something.
She's not interested, okay?
Just go.
What's your name?
Maybe it'll come back to me.
Im really not interested, so...
Im sorry, you just look like
one of my sister's friends
and I wanted to come over
and say hi. Sorry.
Wait a minute. Who's your sister?
You're Jen's brother?
I knew I recognized you
from those pictures.
I haven't seen Jenny
since college.
How did you know to say Jen?
Every chick's got a friend
named Jen. Its common.
Its like Peter.
She didn't ask you your last name?
She wanted me so bad,
all she needed was the link.
So then what?
I fed her some more bullshit
about Jenny
and after twenty minutes
she was begging to join me
in the stabbin' cabin.
a very stylin' place you have.
-Not half as stylin' as you.
She's all over me.
She's so fired up
and raring to go.
She's like a fucking
gorilla on Ecstasy.
Im in Brad heaven,
just about to get smoked...
when all of a sudden,
she started cleaning my tailpipe.
Man, that's awesome.
Its not awesome,
it's fucking disgusting.
She tossed your salad.
That's right out of a porno film.
Do you realize how much
people pay for that?
That's got to be the best
blowjob story yet.
No, moron, you're missing the point.
She passed over my dick
and went straight for the ass.
Why complain? Some people wait
their whole lives for a rimmer.
Yeah, well...
you guys know how bad
my stomach is, right?
Im constantly taking
sloppy dumps and shit.
That's her problem, not yours.
It became my problem.
Dude, that's disgusting.
Yeah, no shit.
You're grossing me out.
You tasted your own asshole?
Not by choice, all right?
Change of subject. Zeke, you're up.
That's sick. I don't know
if I can top that.
Try, 'cause shit lips
is bugging me out.
Fuck you.
All right, chill.
I was at Bell Caf, writing,
when all of a sudden,...
I see these two fine honeys
all over my wood.
All over it.
Im trying to work and I realize
they're totally focused in on me.
Now way Im getting anything done.
So Im thinking,
"opportunity's knocking".
I don't get it. lf I walked into
some beatnik coffee shop
and saw an unemployed dirty freak
like you writing in a diary,
Id stay as far away as possible
from that loser.
But that's you, Brad.
An ass-kissing, no pun intended,
suit from the upper East Side.
Women look at you and know
what they're getting.
I, on the other hand,
am an East Village enigma.
I secrete mystery.
Women dig mystery.
-That combined with the pheromones.
-The what?
The pheromones.
The electricity I give off to
send the chicks climbing the walls.
They see me,
they smell me,
they fuck me.
Okay, guy.
-So, which one did you choose?
-Fuck that, I took them both.
-You got both chicks to your crib?
-Damn straight.
These girls were fucking pros.
They did shit I didn't
even know existed.
Like what?
You ever hear of an inverted,
double teabag slide?
No way.
The sex was amazing.
It was like a gift from God.
Are you writing this shit down?
This should be your next screenplay.
How many times did you bone?
A box worth.
Three times?
You know I only buy twelve-packs.
-These chicks sound perfect.
-Not exactly perfect.
The next morning,
they stole my TV.
-They what?
-They fucking stole my set.
Do you think that was
their intention from the start?
-Im sure of it.
I bet they double team
so they can carry out more shit.
Its an ingenious operation,
if you think about it.
Don't you feel like they fucked you,
they got the better of you?
They fucked me all right,
in a way Ill never forget.
It was worth a TV. They come back,
Ill throw them the toaster.
This is some fucked up shit.
Both you guys are crazy.
That never happens to me.
That's 'cause nothing
ever happens to you.
Yeah, what, did you score?
Or did you spend another
weekend tugging root?
Fuck you, man. I had multiple
ladies on my tip.
Multiple, my ass.
Better your ass than Brad's.
I was at Strokes
with my five knucklehead friends.
There were seven fine honeys
at my disposal.
Place was so ripe, I had my pick.
Always talking a big game.
No, seriously, they were all
sitting there waiting.
All I had to do was
go in for the kill.
So I did.
Her name...
was Keri.
The flyest girl at the bar.
Dude, you got to stop
whacking it so much.
Making up chick's names
while you're feeding the geese.
Fuck you.
She's as real as the
scrambled eggs on that plate.
Last week her name was Nivea,
the week before it was Neutrogena.
Nivea was a nice French girl
I met in the park.
Fuck that. If you didn't score,
just say it.
You don't believe me,
I don't give a shit.
Say it.
All I want to know is,
have we found a prospect yet?
-A prospect?
-For what?
You know, the plan.
The triple team some chick plan.
-You still caught up in that shit?
-It'll be fucking great.
The three of us and some hottie,
doing high-fives over her back.
The ultimate sexual plateau.
Fuck the plan.
I'm just trying to find
some chick I can relate to.
-Some girl I actually respect.
-Why can't we find girls like us?
Dude, all girls masturbate.
Fuck you. That's not what I meant.
Why are you always...?
Im kidding. I understand
what you're saying.
It'd be cool to find a hot chick
that also cared about
the same shit we do.
Some little snappy you don't
want to kick out of bed
-right after you throw your web.
-I hear you.
-Is that too much to ask?
-Good fucking luck.
Oh, no.
-Who the hell invited him?
-I did. He used to be one of us.
Exactly, he used to be.
Then the asshole got married.
When you pass the ring,
you lose the sting.
You might as well chop
your dick off at the altar.
-Hey, Eric. Have a seat.
Zeke, Brad. What's up?
Same old.
What the fuck's that?
My wife says I have
chronic halitosis.
She makes me spray this shit
into my mouth every hour.
Lend it to Brad.
Fuck you.
Don't worry about it.
where you guys been?
I haven't seen you in forever.
Dude, you're married.
We no longer have anything in common.
-Im still the same guy.
-No you're not.
You're married. Face it.
You think I don't got stories?
About your wife?
Come on, that's nasty.
You saying we don't do kinky shit?
Im sure you do, but it's
like your wife, man.
That's got to be a bit sacred.
lf it was a girl we don't know,
then that'd be okay.
But your wife? That's sick.
That's where you're wrong.
Its way better because
it's totally uninhibited.
Like last night, we were
having sex in the kitchen,
and I started using
all the utensils.
We got this new juicer
and it's shaped like a carrot.
-I am bent over...
-Save it!
We had an entire line
of extra virgin olive oil.
Cut the visuals. We're eating.
Eric, did you say you had to
go somewhere this afternoon?
Dude, you should probably go.
I had to meet my wife
for brunch twenty minutes ago.
Brunch? You just fucking ate.
Once you're married, you got to
do a lot of things twice.
Appease the little woman,
make her feel you care.
Man, that sucks.
See you, Eric.
Jonathan, I want you to go
back over to that tree.
Wait about a minute.
Brad, you come up at the end.
You close the deal. You got it?
Its standard. Just don't
save the ugly one for me.
Dude, look at them.
They're all sitting down.
They could have fat asses.
Come on. They're going to leave.
Chill. Are you ready?
Women, men, nobody.
Above the knee, they get nasty.
Yeah, like they go down to the...
Hey, girls.
How you doing?
Is your name Kelly?
No, Stacey.
Stacey, hi. Im Zeke.
And your lovely friends?
This is Marie and Bristol.
-...and Crystal.
So, those are interesting pants
you got there.
You like?
Stroke it.
Like is not exactly the word.
That's real crocodile leather.
Im most like Mickey Rourke
in "9 1l2 Weeks".
Let's face it, the man understands
the term "dominant male"
to the nth degree.
Not that I see myself as
the controlling freak he was.
You never know. Am I in control?
Am I not?
Not that Im a control freak.
I mean...
Control is very,
very important.
You always must keep the upper hand.
No it's not. Crocodile has scales.
-Oh my God! Zeke!
-I thought that was you.
-What are you doing here?
Just walking around.
Jonathan, meet Marie...
-Kelly and Crystal.
-Stacey, Im sorry.
How do you guys know Zeke?
We don't.
Maybe Andrew McCarthy in
"St. Elmo's Fire".
He was totally misunderstood
in that film.
Just because...
he had creative,
more intellectual interests,
everybody thought he was gay.
Im not.
Im not like that.
Its because Im single
and creative,
and I understand my feminine side
better than the next guy.
He just came over here
and made us feel his leg.
Hey, guys. What are you
doing in the park on Sunday.
Who are these beautiful mommies?
Brad, this is Marie...
-And Crystal.
I would have to say
Tom Cruise, "Risky Business".
He was stuffing Rebecca DeMornay,
drove a Porsche,
and he ran a clam house.
For Christ's sake!
Brad, get off the babysitter.
Scamming's not
the most important thing.
Its just something Im good at.
A good catch?
Yeah, I think Im a good catch.
I make a shitload of money...
Look at me!
Why is everyone so quiet?
Didn't anyone scam this weekend?
Of course. I just don't
want to talk about it.
What do you mean?
Isn't that the point of
coming here every Sunday?
Maybe I met someone I don't
feel like telling you dicks about.
Just because you talk
about how you porked your wife
with a waffle iron,
doesn't mean I gotta tell you shit.
Excuse me for asking.
And it was a juicer.
was she hot?
I don't care about looks anymore.
Im over that superficial crap.
As long as she's got a great rack
and buns like a champ, Im happy.
Yeah, she was hot.
-You railed her?
You didn't rail her?
That's probably why you like her
and you're not talking about her.
-I didn't say if I railed her.
-Usually means you didn't rail her.
-Didn't rail her.
-Definitely didn't rail her.
Listen up, assholes.
It was Thursday night.
I was back at the Bell Caf,
looking for the wonder twins,
when I suddenly I notice this
beautiful woman at another table.
Notice she's a woman
and not a hi-dee-hi-dee-ho.
What are you reading?
Now this girl was fly.
-She was that fucking hot?
The capper is, she was reading
Syd Field's screenplay book.
That's like the Bible
for screenwriters.
She's not only hot but got
the same interests as me.
Wait, did you say
you fucked her in a field?
No, I said she was reading
Syd Field's screenplay book.
Who cares?
Did you fuck her?
No, look.
Have some fucking respect.
I think I actually like this one.
-I knew it.
-Definitely didn't fuck her.
Did you get her back to your crib?
Of course.
-What are your legs?
-Steel springs.
-How fast can you run?
-Fast as a leopard. Gallipoli.
George, George, George, George.
Its Michael Dorsey.
Your favorite client.
"George of the Jungle"?
You go.
What, I amuse you?
That's so easy.
"Good fellas".
Hey, wait.
Can't we just take it slow?
We can definitely
take it slow, baby.
She wanted me pretty badly,
but I thought it would be
best to take it slow.
I knew it.
lf he'd nailed her,
then she'd be nothing special.
But since he didn't fuck her,
he cares.
But I never get laid, and I never
care about most of my scams.
You haven't fucked and lost yet.
Once a chick plays you for
nothing more than a dick,
you'll toughen up and be able to
fuck and forget.
a chick's got to tease a dick
in order to be teased.
After a dick-tease, you'll be
working with an unteasable dick.
Nothing's penetrating that thing.
You got to fall off the bike
in order to get back on.
So I got to be fucked and spit on,
before I can have feelings for
a girl by not fucking her.
I get it now. Thanks.
Dude, you're up.
What are you thinking about?
What's on your mind?
Its just...
I may have met somebody I like
this weekend too.
Oh, my God!
I think Im getting a wood.
What is it about two chicks
grinding that turns me on?
This lesbian fad is awesome.
Holy balls!
Will you look at that?
This chick was so hot.
She had the whole package.
She had a cock?
Yeah, she had a dick, dude.
Come on.
This is the kind of girl
Ive been looking for.
And she was digging your shit?
Of course she was.
Did you stuff her?
No, man.
Im kind of like you, Zeke.
I think I really like this girl.
She was more interested in
stocks and bonds and stuff.
Sounds like she was
interested in your wallet.
It wasn't like that at all.
I think she cared about me.
That's so great.
All right, so...
these are the revenues.
And these are earnings.
That makes sense.
Most chicks I date couldn't
give two shits about what I do.
All they want is a nice dinner
in some trendy restaurant
and a nice hard cock
at the end of the night.
They don't care what's
important to me.
Did she want the hard cock too?
No, man. This one was different.
We totally bonded.
I didn't want to sleep with her.
I could've talked all night.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
you just talked all night?
She smoked me.
But I could've talked all night.
Was she good?
I just told you I didn't fuck her.
No, was she good at smoking pole?
Fucking horny bastard.
She was all right.
She won't win any medals.
So she ain't no Hanna.
Wait a second. Who's Hanna?
My God! I almost forgot about her.
You remember Hanna.
Hoover Hanna.
She gave Brad
the five hour blowjob.
Bullshit. No fucking way.
That chick could suck
a taxi driver through immigration.
After three hours, I got so hungry
I called Mr. Pizza.
The dude came into the room
as Hoover was gumming my knob.
She never knew he was there.
How did you last for five hours?
I was so boozed and tabbed up,
maybe 27 bongos on top of that,
now way I was gonna nut.
I was fortunate my wood
didn't go south.
Plus, she reminded me of my sister.
I couldn't get into it.
But enough about me.
Its time for you to bore us
with another spank fest.
What was her name this week,
No, this week was different.
I was at the newsstand,
picking up some reading material
for the bathroom,
when out of nowhere...
Im sorry.
Ill get it.
Are you okay?
You want me to put these
back in your bag for you?
We spent the rest of the day
talking over coffee.
That's the most embarrassing shit
Ive ever heard.
Man, that sucks.
But that's the best part.
She knows I beat off constantly
and she doesn't give a shit.
What's more personal than that?
I mean...
after knowing that,
we could talk about anything.
Its like there's nothing to hide.
Once a day, that's it?
Isnt that enough?
Once a day is a foundation,
and then...
definitely at night
before I go to sleep.
-It helps me go to sleep.
-Me too.
-That's so cool.
Except sometimes
Im too tired to finish.
You know...
I just bore myself.
My ex boyfriend was into...
videotaping me while I...
And while he was videotaping,
he would also be...
to himself.
And you would watch?
While he...?
Did you like it?
You are one lucky bastard.
Congratulations, little stroker.
For the first time,
you finally scored big.
He's earning his stripes.
Thanks. It means a lot
coming from you guys.
So did you...?
I didn't fuck her.
I have a date with her this week.
she asked me to bring
the video camera.
You know what you got to do?
Show up at her house with
some wine and flowers and shit.
With a video camera.
Of course with a video camera.
-Why are you feeding him bullshit?
-What made you a fucking pro?
I know what Im talking about.
You get some cheap wine,
like Dunwood.
Its got a nice label,
so it looks expensive.
You can get it on sale
for like $9.99.
and some cheap roses,
and you'll be doing
the bone dance in no time.
He should take advice from you.
What do you know about women?
You're married, for chrissakes!
Think I don't know what women want?
Now Im married, Im more
sensitive to a woman's needs.
Wait, wait. Dunwood?
The shit works every time.
Im waiting a week or two
before I call my chick.
You know,...
get her all moist so she's
begging for my love.
lf you like this woman, call her
right away, make her feel special.
Pipe it, toughie.
I don't need your bullshit advice.
Yeah, shut the fuck up.
He's right.
You should call her tonight.
Maybe we could all do something
together this week.
Don't get faggy on me.
I don't want your lame ass
ruining my chances on some clam.
Im waiting a week.
Id get the nice guy date
out of the way as soon as possible.
-The nice guy date?
The filler, to show her
what a nice guy you are.
So she lets you hit it on the next.
How many dates does it take
for you to bone?
lf I don't hit on the first,
which is rare, on the second.
But by rule, if I don't get it
on the third, I never call her.
Definitely not worth the time
after the third.
It always takes me a few months.
Come on, art boy.
Let's see what you got.
Did you bring your notepad?
Going to write down "Brad Dreams"?
"Brad Got Game"?
Trying to get a piece of me?
Pass the ball!
Im ready. Bring it in!
-Why aren't you paying attention?
-I am paying attention.
Last night, I couldn't
get to sleep...
'cause Loraine was in the bed,
so I snuck down to the den
and ordered some
pay-per-view porn.
Why? Its terrible.
Its useless.
They don't show penetration.
I couldn't believe the size
of the breasts on these women.
They were like huge.
They were fake.
Those foam bags aren't real.
Come on.
A lot of pillows, propped up
straight, pointing north.
Never south, always north.
When I come home from the gym
after a few butterflies,
I look in the mirror and go:
"Ive got a nice rack.
Id fuck me."
Like that psycho in
"Silence of the Lambs".
Except I didn't do the dick tuck.
I did the dick tuck for Loraine,
to spice up the sex life,
keep the bedroom hot.
You did the tuck for Loraine?
She talked about
bringing home a woman
and threesomes and shit.
Dude, that's awesome.
Oh, master, oh, master.
She wouldn't let this go
and I realized she had this
pseudo lesbian craving.
Are you kidding me? Loraine?
No, she wouldn't let it go.
So instead of bringing back
another chick,
sometimes I do the tuck,
talk in a high voice like this,
and ask her to touch me.
Touch me.
Touch me. Touch me.
Touch me.
Oh, Brad.
Oh, Brad.
Ive tried doing the tuck
a couple of times,
but it really kind of...
hurts my penis.
Then you're not doing it right.
Is this shit still going on?
You still unstrapping one
for Loraine?
That was just a phase.
Now she's in a book group.
-I got to go.
-Where you got to go?
I got to make a phone call.
Brad, you still have your cell?
-Are you calling your hump?
-Of course not.
I just got to make a call.
You fucking cunt.
There are certain words
I don't like to use.
I don't like...
or jerking off...
or spanking.
I think those words,
they sound vulgar.
is the word I use.
Im comfortable with "sturbing".
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mia,
You're my cup of Tee-ah.
Sometimes I sit on my hand.
You know.
I sit on it for a long time
until it falls asleep.
And then,
once it's asleep,
I sturb with it like this,
so it feels like...
somebody else is
doing it to me.
I call it "the stranger".
we can take a trip...
across the sea.
You look beautiful.
That's no good.
You look...
You look amazing.
What the hell?
Amazingly beautiful.
Shit, that's so bad.
You look...
you look stunning.
Holy shit!
In here!
Stop that!
Get off!
Get off!
Fucking cocksucker!
What the hell's going on here?
Ill kick your ass if you don't
tell me why the fuck you're here!
-What is going on?
-I have a date with Mia?
Fuck you! Im dating Mia!
Would you get the hell off me?
You guys all know each other?
You guys have known each other
since college.
And you're best friends.
For real?
How is that possible?
Its New York City.
What are the odds of that?
Apparently pretty high.
Im sorry too.
I really like you guys,
all of you.
What's with the Dunwood?
in an ideal world, I guess...
Id want to see all of you,
but I understand it's not possible.
if you guys want to take off,
I understand.
It was fun while it lasted.
-Bye, Jonathan.
Come on, Zeke, let's go.
Im not going anywhere.
Im staying.
Come on, Zeke.
Fuck that. If you want to go, go.
Come on, man. Don't be a dick.
You don't understand.
I actually like her.
Mia and I have a connection.
We have a connection too, right?
Im staying.
Im staying.
My God, you got to be kidding me.
You're connected,
and if you're connected,
Im connected too.
You sure you're okay with this?
Oh, yeah.
Its not a problem.
Back off, she's mine!
Both of you have totally
fucking dicked me over!
Fuck that. You dicked me.
You know...
Im the only one that's
supposed to be here.
Its funny both of you
decided to surprise her
on the one day that
I had a date with her.
And we were going to
use the video camera.
Im not backing off.
lf Mia wants to see all of us,
you'll have to deal with it.
Fuck you.
Who gives a shit what you think?
You know what?
Im really tired of the way
you talk to me.
Fuck you, you fucking...
Fuck you.
Easy, easy. Chill.
-Im going to kick his ass.
Going to kung fu chop me to death?
Hey, chill.
Crane position,
Daniel san.
First of all, it's jujitsu, faggot.
Second, I don't need to know shit
to kick your lame ass.
Im so scared.
lf you don't shut up,
Im going to move.
You know what?
Fuck this shit.
You're both assholes!
Im out of here.
Why do you always have to be
such a dick?
Its Mia. Please leave a message.
Hello, Mia.
How you doing, sweetie?
Its Brad.
I have two tickets to
the Knicks game tonight
if you wanted to go.
Hi, it's Jonathan. How are you?
Just calling to say hey,
and see if you maybe...
want to do something later?.
Its Zeke. Where are you, baby?
I want to hangout with you.
We could do something and get close.
Call me.
I like to walk into a place,
check out the vibes, the signals
Im getting on the wood meter,
lookaways, that kind of shit.
A lookaway?
That's when a girl looks at you,
and she instantly looks away.
That is a solid green light.
Like you hit a home run and
you haven't had to pick up a bat.
Like most scammers
that Im aware of,
Im not that comfortable
with other men.
I have a very strong affinity
for the society of women.
Its a matter of time before you
get over the Brad/Jonathan thing.
What do you see in those dicks?
I thought they were your friends.
Your friends don't try and
get on your girlfriend.
Excuse me.
I know we haven't been
together for that long,
but I just wanted to tell you...
I haven't had many special
relationships with girls.
I mean, women.
it might not seem a big deal to you,
but I feel I can talk to you
about just about anything.
It means a lot to me.
I never thought
Id be able to say that.
That's what I love about you, Zeke.
You have this whole cool,
ladies man exterior,
but inside youre just a big dork.
In a good way.
How do you know me so well?
I just...
That was awesome.
Practice makes perfect.
I know I joke around a lot,
Mia, but...
I want you to know...
I am totally serious
when I say that you are...
the coolest thing
in my life.
Ive never met anyone
like you before.
So what's next?
No, no, I meant with us.
I don't know.
Ive never been in
a relationship like this before.
You'll be my little...
And you can spank me
when Im bad.
That was amazing.
I want to show you something.
They're great.
These are really...
These are great.
The guys think I look like
a fag in that picture.
What do they know?
They're just jealous.
You're really different
from them, you know, Jonathan.
Really, you're more genuine.
And these past few weeks with you
have been really special.
The past few weeks
with me and Zeke and Brad?
The past few weeks with you.
I was really confused before,
but Im not anymore.
Come on, we're late.
Ill be right out.
Wow. Five speeds.
Honey, come on. We got to go.
Are you sure you're okay?
Im fine. Just a second.
if you need Pepto, it's in
the cabinet above the sink.
Come on, it's not coming out!
Are you sure you're okay?
You sound pretty bad.
Im fine.
-Honey, Im coming in.
-Wait, no!
What are you doing?
I was washing my hair,
or my hands.
I was just feeling dirty.
We have to go.
-Wait, what is that?
I hear humming.
-I don't hear anything.
-Why are you so wet?
You smell like a toilet.
Great to have the boys
back together again.
I was starting to miss you guys.
Fuck you.
To think that I actually cared!
Look, guys, can we put everything
behind us and move on?
Just forget about
all the bullshit?
Okay with me.
Good, let's order.
Did anyone read the blow-job
article in Cosmo this month?
Why the fuck are you reading Cosmo?
My wife keeps it
near the bathtub.
Thank God I am not married.
You don't understand.
This magazine is for women.
it has all these tips
on how to please your man.
I get it now.
You read this shit so you can
learn how to please your man.
That is funny, but no.
What Im saying is that
it's written by women.
It says things like
"one out of every three men
has latent homo-erotic fantasies".
Anyway, this article says
that chicks should make
their boyfriends
drink apple juice
before they give head.
It makes the taste better.
they would want to give
more head in the future.
-That's just bullshit.
Why are you wasting our time
with this crap?
Its better than talking about
that whacked ho' Mia.
Oh, man,
she's got you all whipped.
Excuse me!
Yeah, who's whipped?
She's got you muff-spelled,
riding your asses into the ground.
What the fuck are you talking about?
What is wrong with this asshole?
Mia's not riding me.
She realized who Mr. Right was.
Yeah, me.
That's a good one, Zeke.
Actually, she only wants to
see me now, exclusively.
lf you haven't already heard.
I don't know about that.
You see, Mia and I are in love.
Dream on, pussy.
Are you both so whacked in
the head you don't realize
she thinks you're total losers?
She wants me,
the "Z".
Oh my God,
You talk so much shit, Zeke,
you're starting to believe it.
Shes just a girl.
I thought you both knew she
didn't want to see you anymore.
-Like she wants to see you.
-The only reason I came today,
is I figured you two ignorant
dickheads finally backed off.
-Whatever, Zeke.
-Dont whatever me!
There's other people here.
Take it outside.
Ill fucking take it outside,
away from you two dicks.
-A bunch of fucking pricks!
-She wants me, asshole.
You remember that too, fuck-o.
Should I remind her of that
before or after I pull out?
Fuck you!
You little pup!
Why don't you go home and
snap one off, you toss-off?
Fuck you, too.
Oh, my gosh!
Don't worry.
And besides,
it's not apple juice.
Its pineapple.
That's it.
Forget it.
Hi, my name's Eric...
and Im a friend of Zeke,
Brad and Jonathan's.
Yeah, I just came to talk about...
what you're doing to my friends.
Most of it is
none of my business,
but you're completely
messing with their heads.
And I just want to know
how it is that you can
respect yourself,
what it is that you do?
And what exactly is it that I do?
You're seeing all of my friends
at the same time.
You're fucking all three of them.
Is this Dunwood?
First, I don't see how this is
any of your business. And second,
you act like Im doing this
on purpose.
You think I enjoy putting myself
and your friends through this?
Then why don't you just
choose one of them?
Look, I really...
I really like your friends.
Haven't you met a woman who's...
so special you didn't
want to lose her?
Well, no. Im married.
So then you have.
Oh, yeah. Right, right.
Well, so have I.
Except instead of one person,
I met three.
Im just asking you
to stop seeing them.
Why do you care so much?
Because why?
You got to understand.
Ive been married for two years.
Two long fucking years.
I don't know if you know
what that's like,
having to spend every day
with the same woman.
The only thing I look forward to
is Sunday lunch with the guys.
And now that you've come along...
You're ruining me.
You've taken away the one thing
I have to look forward to.
And now Im fucked.
I got no outlets.
Well, Eric...
Is it Eric?
I understand.
I will take care of it.
Just call me anytime, okay?
Look at that woman's tits.
Nice and high.
There's one for you over there.
You know a girl like that
does squats.
I find it amazing that men
go on forever without
actually buying toilet paper.
What do you mean?
For us, it's like an essential,
you know?
But men, they'll use anything.
Tissue, paper towels,
Sheets? That's a good one.
Hey, honey.
Man, this place sucks.
They don't have my Rough Riders?
All right.
I think this will do.
Honey, I don't think those are
the right ones.
let go.
Don't you think that
these would be more comfortable?
For me. I meant,
more comfortable for me.
-See? "For her pleasure".
-What are you talking about?
Excuse me.
What are you looking at?
Come on, baby.
Its an emotional reaction.
I didn't expect to see you
around for a while.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
seeing as how you're
married, I was wondering...
What's it like to
settle down with a woman?
I mean,
does your life stop or what?
No, no...
don't get me wrong, Im not
saying I want to do this now.
Im interested in your thoughts
about living with chicks.
Wait a second.
You're not thinking of
shacking up with that ho'?
Don't be a dick.
Of course not.
Im just...
you know, curious.
When you decide to live with
a chick, everything changes.
The key to survival...
is remember one thing.
That's that your life now
belong to someone else.
You'll notice things about your
daily routine that start to change.
For instance, the toilet seat shit.
It is a big one.
You've got to remember to
put that down or you're fucked.
Loraine almost left me
because I forgot that shit.
And remember to flush.
If you leave a floater in there,
you're a dead man.
And you got to
go easy on the gas.
I used to give Loraine
the Dutch oven every night.
Then she started slipping
laxatives into my dinner at night,
you know, for revenge.
I almost shit out my colon.
But I...
changed my diet after that.
For Loraine.
And I actually feel better
because of it.
All in all, living with Loraine...
sharing everything...
has got its advantages
and disadvantages.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Yeah, man.
Thanks a lot.
We used to have this credo.
Bros before ho's...
pals before gals.
Don't get me wrong.
I definitely believe in
the institution of marriage
and family.
Its just that
until I find the one,
nothing's wrong with chalking up
as many points as possible.
When Im not closing deals,
Im closing deals.
What the fuck's going on here?
Why are you assholes here?
Fuck you.
I was invited.
Where's Mia?
-What the hell you doing here?
-She asked me to come,
Mia's in the shower.
What the fuck's going on?
I don't know, but I think
maybe Mia made her choice.
Then you guys can leave now.
This is good a time as any
for you guys to learn how
special our relationship is.
Man, you really are whacked.
Wait a minute.
Im not sure, but...
it's definitely possible.
It is a definite possibility.
I know why she called us here.
There's a good chance
she called us all here because...
because she wants us all
to do her.
You know, triple team her.
She wants the fucking plan!
-You got to let that shit go.
-That is fucking ridiculous.
It could have been her fantasy
right from the start.
She's been seeing all three of us
for a few weeks now.
If she wanted to choose,
she'd have done so long ago.
She wants the plan.
She's in the fucking shower
right now soaping herself up.
She's cleaning herself up 'cause
she wants us all to bone her.
Would you have some respect?
My Mia doesnt want the plan.
I know she wants to fuck me,
-but not you guys.
-Your Mia?
Come on!
Well, guys, believe what you want,
but Im boning.
What the fuck is that?
is what keeps the chicks
coming back to my man.
You got some fucked up shit
going on.
At least I got some shit going on.
What the fuck are you fag boys
looking at my dick for anyway?
Just put your pants
back on, okay?
I have to talk to you guys.
Im serious.
What now?
I made a decision about something.
Its the toughest decision
Ive ever had to make.
I knew you'd come out eventually.
Its okay.
Being gay is kind of hip now.
This is serious. Its not a joke.
Just listen.
I love Mia.
And Mia loves me.
And I think Im going to
ask her to marry me.
Are you kidding me?
I know this will have some
effect on our friendship,
but if you guys don't understand
my feelings for Mia,
then you're not my real friends.
Fuck you then.
My God.
Mia does not love you.
Jesus, Jonathan,
you're so naive sometimes.
Yeah, you know what?
I could use a good laugh.
Why don't you go in there now
and ask her to marry you?
You fucking loser!
Im going to kill you.
What the hell is going on here?
What the hell are you doing?
Put your pants on!
Are you guys out of your minds?
Id say that the one thing...
that you can never be
prepared for,
with married life,
is the shopping.
It all seems to have something
to do with shopping.
There's always shopping to be done,
Ive gotten into antiqueing,
but that's 'cause the chicks
are usually better looking.
My specialty...
when I was hanging out
with the guys and scamming,
was something called
"jumping on the grenade".
That's when you're out with
a group of guys and...
you meet up with a group of women,
or find a group of women,
and usually one of them is
a little less attractive.
This is the grenade.
it would be my job
to jump on the grenade,
To sort of...
keep everything flowing
for the evening.
That was my thing.
And then I married the grenade.
I pulled her pin.
She just threw you guys out?
All because Tarzan over here
thought she wanted the plan.
He got naked.
How was I supposed to know?
All the signs were there.
And you never even found out
what her choice was.
Then fag boy freaked out on us
and left the place.
Did you know he's thinking
about asking Mia to marry him?
She'll never marry him.
Of course not.
Of course not.
Yeah, no way.
Here comes the princess now.
Hey, Jonathan.
Hey, dude.
I just want you guys to know...
that I officially do not
like you anymore.
From this moment on,
we are no longer friends.
-Just stay out of it.
This is between me and them.
So I brought some things.
Here are your karate videos
that you lent me.
Sorry it took me so long
to return them, but I was...
You can have it back.
Every time I use it,
I think of you and get upset.
Dude, could I have that?
Its a Boner Toner.
-Why don't you sit down and relax?
-Yeah, come and sit down.
I ordered you some waffles.
-And sausage.
-Come on, man.
Have a seat.
Im not staying.
I have things to do.
Are you really willing to
give up everything we've got?
For Mia?
That's how much she means to me.
My God!
-What the fuck...?
-What the fuck is this?
Hey, you guys.
I know we have a lot to talk about.
But Im kind of busy right now.
Who the fuck are they?
Guys I met in Italy last summer.
They're visiting me for awhile.
But Ill call you guys later.
Later in the week.
But Mia...
What's going on here?
Im sorry.
I got to go.
Im going to kick me some
salami motherfucker ass!
-Calm down.
-Fuck you!
Let it go.
They could be her cousins.
Cousins? Give me a break!
She's whacking that meatball!
Maybe they're very close cousins.
What? Mia?
She's letting them grab her ass.
-Dont worry about it, man.
All three of them are
grabbing her ass. What the fuck?
That was the last time any of us
saw or heard from Mia.
She just kind of vanished.
I guess I should be angry.
She could've had the best...
As for the group,
we tried to get back in the groove.
I have to take a shit so bad,
and there's no bathroom anywhere.
I can barely hold it in.
Zeke was back to
getting robbed once a week.
The bastard was watching them.
Eric was still trying to find
creative ways to pork his wife.
Honey, ready or not,
here I come.
He'd do anything to stay
a part of the group.
And Jonathan...
Let's see.
Who will it be tonight?
As for me...
My sister never told me
how beautiful you were.
She's going to get it when
she gets in from Colorado.
I thought Jen lived in Boston.
Soon we faced the inevitable.
Our little tradition
began to disband.
Till finally,
it was no more.
We had never
let anybody get between us before.
I guess it took somebody
as special as Mia
to open our eyes
and make us realize
that women are
a lot more like us,
a lot more like Zeke and Brad,
than we ever imagined.
Im worried about her.
I know in my heart that
she's really hurting inside.
Brad was never, and I mean never,
fully hard.
Never? Why didn't you bail?
I really hope
she's okay.
Its a package deal.
Evidently not.
So, did he ever get it in?
Sort of.
Id say...
I kind of felt sorry for the guy.
I mean,
it was sad watching him struggle.
He'd just kind of,
I don't know,
bang it up against me,
like fucking "Rain Man".
I know, it's like fitting
a marshmallow in a keyhole.
-Like playing pool with a string.
How do you get
a condom on like that?
A condom? Guy needs a splint,
prop that shit up.
You know whats even worse?
The guy had ass rot.
We're eating here.
Im sorry, but he did.
Do you know why?
They don't know how to wipe.
Its true.
And then there was Zeke.
Zeke was like downtown art boy.
You know what I mean?
The guy was so fucking
conceited in bed.
Right? And the irony is...
he had the smallest cock
I have ever seen.
It was all tip and no shaft.
Im serious.
It was like an acorn
resting on his balls there.
Then to top it off,
the guy's a freak in bed.
He'd be like:
"Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?"
I think that was the most he
ever asked me about myself.
And then there was Jonathan.
He was harmless, Jonathan.
I could've hung out
with him a little longer.
Mia, you getting "emo" on us?
-What's "emo"?
Emotions. Occupational hazard.
No, I just felt kind of
bad for him, that's all.
-Then again, he had it coming.
-Of course he had it coming.
Fuck this shit. I want details.
Did he have a big dick?
Come on, give it to us.
Package size.
Oh my...!
Come on.
Holy shit!
-Oh, baby!
-You go, girl!
Does he have cousins or brothers?
So is that all of them?
Then there was also Eric.
The pathetic married friend.
Married, not married, married...
He comes over to my house,
giving me this sob story
about how it's my fault
his friends are abandoning him
-on their Sunday brunches.
-Which it was.
Of course, but I didn't
let him know that.
So what did you do?
I blew him.
Yeah! Who's your daddy now?
He actually tasted good.
-His wife probably reads Cosmo.
Mia, you're a fucking pro.
Where do you find these guys?
When I saw them work on those
three girls in the park that day,
I knew they were the ones.
They had the bloated egos,
the look, the lines,
the whole nine yards.
Why are men such
fucking idiots?
I figured these guys out
in a matter of minutes.
They were perfect.
It was awesome watching them
scramble in their own game,
thinking they're
God's gift to women.
They didn't know what hit them.
The point is that it's fun.
I mean...
Yeah, it's fun.
Guys do it all the time.
You got to be willing to face
the consequences if you scam.
You know...
everybody fucks everybody
in the end.
You got to be prepared.
Its the nature of the beast.
Next, please.
I don't know what you got
down here, lady.
Its been clogged all week.
I think I got something here.
That's where it is.
Give me that!
Here comes Papa!
What the hell...?
I haven't been able to come
all week and that's why.
What's that smell?
Never mind.
Just put your pants back on.
I got to talk to you guys.
Im serious.
What now?
I don't care what the guys say.
They're always...
giving me shit about Loraine
and trying to cock block me.
Cock block is where, let's say,
you're in a bar and you're
trying to hit on a woman
and she's buying your shit.
And then...
one of your asshole friends
comes up and they're like:
"Hey, man. How's the wife?"
That's an instant cock block.
You cannot talk your way
out of that shit.
Why are you trying to pickup
women in bars if youre married?
I said, why are you trying to
pickup women if youre married?
I mean, come on...
Im a guy.