Whispering Ghosts (1942) Movie Script
1
So this is your estate, huh?
Some inheritance.
Anyway, it makes me an heiress.
You'd better keep it quiet before the city
makes you haul this junk away.
Well, as long as we've
driven clear out here,
we might as well
take a quick look at it.
OK.
It's kind of scary.
This must have been the saloon.
I'll bet old Uncle Eli's spent a lot of
time in there.
Not that kind of saloon, silly.
Oh!
--Bats. It won't hurt you.
I don't like them anyway.
I don't believe this cabin's been open
since the police investigation.
What's that?
Well, that must be the
police diagram showing
where they discovered
Captain Weatherby's body.
oh, here we are.
You know, it's a funny thing they never
found out who killed the old geezer.
Maybe we'll find out from H.H. Van Buren.
Van Buren?
You still tuning in on that big phoney?
The man who lifts the veil, huh?
OK, David, go ahead and laugh at him.
But just remember, he solved
all those other crimes.
Oh, darling, don't be so naive.
He always plays safe and names somebody
that's already dead.
He'll probably try to pin this one on
John Wilkes Booth.
Maybe so.
But anyway, he claims Uncle
Eli had a fabulous collection
of diamonds hidden
somewhere on this old ship.
He might tell us where it is.
Listen, if that jerk knew where it was,
he'd 've been out here months ago,
wearing a jeweler's eyepiece for a
monocle.
Doesn't seem to be anything in here.
What's the matter, dear?
Why, I don't know.
I just felt as if someone had been staring
at me.
I guess it's just my imagination.
I don't wonder if this place would get on
anybody's nerves.
Let's get out of here.
I wonder why the old boy had that scow
holed up in dry land.
He intended to spend the rest of his life on it.
He sure spent it quick.
Yeah, all in one place.
Hey, Van.
What's the matter, Curly?
I can't find that Jerry Gilpin any place.
Well, what are you worried about?
Nobody listens to his commercials anyhow.
You read it.
Me?
Sure.
Go ahead.
God bless you.
Salute.
Chinese.
Forget old-fashioned superstitions.
Good wishes in any language never cured a
cold.
That third sneeze calls for action.
And action means Conroy's cold compound.
And now we bring in the man who
reconstructs and reveals the solutions to
crimes which for years have baffled the
law.
Mr. H. H. Van Buren.
The man who lifts the veil.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
And good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
In my third installment last Friday night
of the famous Captain Weatherby murder
case, I set the stage for the scene in his
cabin aboard the ill-famed schooner known
along the African coast as the Black
Joker.
On that fateful night, the eccentric old
captain was reading his Bible,
his faithful dog lying at
his feet, suddenly growled
at the sound of footsteps
outside the cabin door.
Quiet, boy, quiet, muttered the captain.
He listened and the dog growled again as
the sound was repeated.
Who's there?
Who's there, he called?
But no one answered.
Captain Weatherby
searched the deck for his
unseen callers as silently as the black night.
The brawny arms reached out to grab the
old skipper.
The giant beast tore in with bared fangs.
A guttural voice demanded, Where are they?
Where are they, those diamonds?
Hello?
No, no, they're mine.
Yes, this is Miss Woods.
I must see you immediately.
It's very urgent.
A matter of life and death.
The captain's words were cut short as
powerful hands.
Yes?
Yes.
And the men were locked in a death struggle.
There was a sickening...
Are we alone?
--What?
I'm Mark Gruber, attorney at law.
Well?
I have an appointment with you,
next year.
Aren't you a little ahead of time?
Fortunately, I am.
Why did Van Buren have to dig up the
Weatherby murder case?
It was forgotten, dead.
Oh, but it's very interesting.
Well, naturally it is to you, being the
grand niece of the Captain.
I'm not exactly proud of that,
the old pirate.
I'm not interested in your sentiments,
Miss Woods.
I want to wash my hands of the whole
business before it's too late.
Too late?
Van Buren thinks they're all dead.
He'll find out.
I don't get it.
Well, I haven't time to explain.
I'm here to execute Captain Weatherby's
will and assign the estate to you.
You needn't bother, Mr. Gruber.
I've seen the Black Joker
and you can have her.
Not me, young lady, not me.
As I said, the will was
not to be executed until
next year, but I'm not
waiting another minute.
Now, besides the Black Joker at Hurricane Point,
the remainder of your
legacy is in this package.
You don't suppose there could be anything
of value hidden on the old ship, do you?
Well, if there is, it won't
be hidden long with
that idiot broadcasting
it to the whole world.
Please, not until after I've left.
And now, Miss Woods, I wish you luck.
Goodbye.
Seek and ye shall find.
Hello, Jarvis?
This is Miss Woods.
Is David there?
Oh, will you tell him I can't see him
tonight, please?
I'll phone him in the morning.
Thank you.
Detectives assigned to the Weatherby case
sailed to Cape Morro in Portuguese Angola,
but their long journey was to be in vain.
Ten years of relentless search and
investigation has failed to bring the
killer or killers of Captain Weatherby to
justice.
So next Friday night,
I shall lift the veil on
this mystery which has
baffled criminal science.
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall name the
man.
Heal that cold the easy way with Conroy's
cold compound.
Thank you and good evening, ladies and
gentlemen.
I'll murder that Gilpin for not showing up.
You read it great, Curly,
better than Gilpin.
If that guy has any talent, it must be in
his brother's name.
Mr. Conroy wants to see you, Mr. Van
Buren.
He's in sponsor's room 4.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry, I'll handle you, old boy.
Hello, Mr. Conroy.
How'd you like the broadcast?
Pretty much, Van, but I don't think this
gentleman appreciated it.
Well, maybe you don't like mysteries.
You should force yourself.
This is Inspector Norris of the New Jersey
State Police.
Well, I'm very glad to know you, Inspector.
I paid that fine in Hackensack, so...
Mr. Van Buren, there's
something I want to know.
Anything to oblige an officer.
Who killed Captain Weatherby?
Oh, now you'll have to wait just like
everyone else.
Mr. Conroy doesn't even know and he's the
sponsor.
That's right.
We can't trust anybody.
Mr. Van Buren, I have a warrant for your
arrest.
All right, I'll buy tickets to the
policeman's ball.
Anything else, Mr. Conroy?
There sure is.
I'm arresting you for obstructing justice
and withholding evidence.
Say, who thought of that?
That's a good publicity stunt.
What a slogan.
Van Buren lifts the veil direct from jail.
What do you think, Mr. Conroy?
Splendid idea.
I think it's... Yeah, but it isn't gonna
work that way.
You're gonna tell me right now or I'm
taking you over to Jersey where we have
methods of finding out things and it
doesn't take a week.
But wait a minute, I thought you were
kidding.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
But I was... Yes, I can.
These are extradition papers.
But if it gets out before Friday night,
I lose 15 million listeners.
That's your business.
Mine is to nab the killer
of Captain Weatherby
and it's been my
business for 10 long years.
What do you think, Mr. Conroy?
Well, I... I guess you'll just have to
tell him.
Yeah, but think of what it does to my
Crossley rating.
You're breaking my heart.
Come on, out with it, mastermind.
There was a fellow named Louie Murado.
Yeah, I've been smoking him for years.
Now, who was it?
Okay, it was Manuel De Zeta.
Manuel De Zeta, huh?
What's so funny?
You're to be congratulated, Mr. Van Buren.
Yeah, but I'm right.
I can prove it.
This man's really clever.
Brilliant.
Yes, sir, you're an astounding young
fellow.
Only I'm surprised that
you didn't find out that
Manuel De Zeta and Captain
Weatherby were the same man.
What?
Yeah, someday when I have lots of time,
I'll explain it to you.
Inspector, when did you find this out?
We've known it for years, only we don't
broadcast.
Young man, you handled him like a master.
I thought for a minute you were going to
tell him the real answer.
Mr. Conroy, that was the real answer.
De Zeta's the guy I had right along,
but I guess I was wrong.
Why, you can't be.
Norris must be wrong.
So that's the reason for those De Zeta
entries I found on the captain's logbook.
What do you say?
De Zeta's just a fictitious character.
It's all clear to me now.
Oh, look, Van.
Maybe Captain Weatherby committed suicide.
Yeah, he threw the hatchet up in the air
and he caught it on the back of his neck.
He was a juggler.
This can't be true.
It's just a bad dream.
I'm pinching myself too, Mr. Conroy,
but it hurts.
Millions of people are
waiting for Conroy's coal
compound to tell them who
killed Captain Weatherby.
You've got to tell them, Van, even if you
have to confess it yourself.
That's no good, because in 1930 I was a
Woodcraft boy, Beaver Hut number 3, Schenectady.
How do you like this compass they gave me
for being the best woodchuck?
Never mind that.
You'll know, but all that showed up were a
few gray hairs and de Zeta.
Now what are we going to do?
I'll think of something.
Maybe I should bump myself off and have
the secret die with me.
That doesn't solve my problem.
Just a suggestion.
Well, I've got a better one.
You go down to the Black Joker right now
and see what you can find there.
Mr. Conroy, I went down there two weeks ago.
It's nothing but a deserted old hulk.
I know, but it's the scene
of the crime, and you
might be lucky enough to
run right into the answer.
Now come on, get going.
Well, I don't feel that lucky,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Good luck, Van.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
What's gonna keep the low one from
sagging?
Where is that Van Buren?
I'll tear him apart.
What do you mean by coming in here dressed
like that, Mr. Gilpin?
Listen, Mr. Conroy.
Where have you been?
And don't tell me there was your voice I
heard reading a commercial.
I'll say it wasn't.
And I'm in no mood for your silly pranks.
Do I look like I'm enjoying it?
Get a load of this for a dirty lowdown
trick.
I received this invitation to a masquerade
at the mayor's home.
So I rented this whole layout, and with
lollipops, too.
As I rang the bell, his honor's bodyguard
grabbed me and waltzed me downtown.
When I claimed I was a
radio announcer, they tossed
me in the clink, and in
the psychopathic ward, too.
I don't doubt it.
What's Van Buren got to do with this?
Listen, I can smell one of his corny gags
a mile.
Where did he go, Mr. Conroy?
If I remember, you thought it was very funny
when you put that porcupine in his bed.
I think that was an intimate little gag.
It didn't interfere with his work.
No, but something else did.
Yeah?
What happened?
We're in trouble.
Serious trouble.
I don't care what happens
to Van Buren after Friday
night, but until then, he's
got a problem to solve.
Don't tell me he hasn't got the answer.
No.
So the genius tripped over his veil.
What?
I mean, that's too bad, Mr. Conroy.
What's he going to do?
I don't know.
Anyway, I sent him down to the Black Joker
to see if he could find a clue.
That's a good idea, Mr. Conroy.
It's a very good idea.
Hey, Chuck.
Won't you start, Miss Woods?
Well, it doesn't seem to.
That's funny.
It ain't flooded.
The rotor in the distributor is missing.
Well, maybe it jarred loose and fell off.
Not the rotor.
You have to take it off.
And it was swiped within the hour because
it was running perfect when I backed it up.
That's funny.
How long will it take you to fix it?
Oh, not long.
If I can find a place around here open.
Well, I'll go over at the coffee shop and
have dinner while you're getting one.
Okay.
Hello.
Lonesome Heart Social Club.
This is Euclid Brown.
I want to place a bet at Hialeah tomorrow.
Yeah, two bits across the board on
Stormy Weather.
But if it clears up before post time,
switch it over to Sunshine Sadie.
Euclid!
I have to call you back.
Evening, boss.
Nice broadcast?
Didn't you listen?
Oh, no, sir.
I never do.
It gives me the heavey-jeevy.
Well, that's the idea of it.
It ain't my idea.
You know, Euclid,
sometimes I look at you and wonder.
And then again
I look at you...and wonder.
I wonder what he's wondering about when he
wonders.
What a guy.
He's got that certain nothing.
Boss, do you think you're doing right in
messing with that Weatherby case?
Why not?
I was afraid of this one.
I can feel it in my bones.
That's rheumatism.
Forget it, Euclid.
I broadcast twelve of them already and
nothing's ever happened.
That's just it.
This is the thirteenth one.
Did you say thirteen?
Twelve and one, I can add.
Pack some food and get the car out.
We're taking a trip.
We're going out to the Black Joker at
Hurricane Point.
You mean that murder ship?
Yes, and we'll leave him right away.
Oh, please, boss.
I don't want to go out there.
There's nothing to be afraid of,
Euclid.
The old ship has been deserted for years.
Why don't we just leave it that way,
Mr. Van?
Euclid, I said there's nothing to worry
about.
Boss, you don't think I is yellow?
Are you kidding?
Go on, get the car out.
Ten minutes after the Springdale
Bank was held up, Sheriff
Lem Holder ordered Buckaroo
Bob brought back dead or alive.
With cries of, "String him up", "I got a
rope", the posse thundered out of town.
Buckaroo Bob rode his Pinto towards the Pecos
country.
He aimed to head off Pancho and his band
at Pony Creek before they cashed the gold.
Buckaroo Bob's honor
was at stake, for he was
accused of leading the
gang that held up the bank.
Pancho, with his band of outlaws,
emptied the bags of gold and a blank...
Oh, boy, is that corny, sticking in a phony
gunshot for no reason at all?
You ready, Euclid?
Oh, boss, why do we have
to go down to the Black Jonah
when you already got the
name of the hatchet man?
I've got to get a new one, Euclid,
if I have to name you.
Oh, it couldn't be me.
I was just a little bitty shaver when they
chopped down the Captain.
So was George Washington when he chopped
down the cherry tree.
What a road.
They must have built this to make the
detour look good.
I sure knows a better one.
Why don't you tell me, where is it?
On the way to Atlantic City.
Look, Euclid, we're going to the Black
Joker.
Now, stop moping.
How about we're out getting there?
Something tells me I've been driving
around in a circle for the last hour.
I wondered why I was getting dizzy.
That's not the reason.
Well. There she is.
If that old ship could only talk.
If she do, I ain't gonna be here to answer.
What's that?
It's a fog horn.
Sounds like cable to me, boss.
Let's git.
Bring the luggage.
We're going aboard.
The horns are blowing and the boats that
don't go nowhere.
Just ain't natural.
You think we better, boss?
Yes, before we get pneumonia.
That ain't what's worrying me.
Excuse me, post.
What's that?
Chicken of the sea.
Flying tuna fish?
Yeah, no...seagulls.
Uh oh. What's all this?
Wasn't here before.
Somebody's opened a fish monger.
Bad location. Never make it pay.
There's something about this room that
isn't right.
Everything ain't right to me, boss.
I know.
It's that lamp.
He's planning to pick on one beside the
lamp.
Yeah, but it's lit and moving.
Maybe the hatchet man lit it.
What, 10 years ago and still burning?
I don't know about that, but it's still
swinging.
Somebody must have just been here.
Lamps don't light by themselves.
Look, there ain't no fish there.
That's the one that got away.
Hey, boss, what happened to this one?
Catfish.
Boss! What's that?
Eight snakes playing football.
Uh oh!
Duck down!
Almost got conclusion of the brain.
You mean concussion.
I mean conclusion.
That's the end.
So long, boss.
Just a minute, Euclid.
Isn't this my hat?
Yes, I didn't want to wear your good one.
Oh, fine.
I'd ask you for my suspenders,
only I'm afraid my pants would fall down.
There's that horn again.
Must be the last call for going ashore.
Now, will you calm down, Euclid,
and stay close to me.
Mr. Van, if I was any closer,
I'd be in front of you.
Turn on the light.
It is on.
Then I is going blind.
It's the first time I ever saw
a blackout with eyes.
Looks like somebody's been playing
hopscotch.
That's where the cops found the body.
Let's get to work.
Unpack that bag.
Yessir.
Hey, boss, lookie here.
What do you know about that?
That hole wasn't made by no mouse.
It's a bullet hole.
And if you ask me, it has your name on it.
Don't be silly.
Or are you silly?
I think this time.
I used to get nervous.
Thanks.
There you are, Miss Woods.
Thank you, Chuck.
Okay.
Hello, Chuck.
Good evening, Mr. Courtland.
Say, uh, Miss Woods take her car out
tonight?
Yeah, she just left a minute ago.
Did she say where she was going?
Hurricane Point.
Hurricane Point?
That's what she said.
Thanks.
Okay.
Chuck!
Hey, Chuck, come here.
Yeah.
Take a look at this thing.
That tire's been cut.
Well, I'll be dogged.
Now, who are you supposed to do a thing
like that?
Yeah, what goes on around here?
Well, I'll get the jack and change it for
you.
All right, Euclid.
Sunny side up.
Turn a little more on your stomach,
Euclid.
Yeah.
That's it now.
Hold it there.
Wait a minute. Who am I supposed to be?
Captain Weatherby.
And who are you supposed to be?
I'm the murderer.
Oh, I'm not going to throw the hatchet,
but you might accidentally drop it.
All right, I'll do it without the hatchet.
Maybe you could do it without me.
Why do you think I brought you along?
Just to make...unclear
The killer must have come through this
door.
Then again, he could have squeezed through
this porthole.
No, that isn't right, because the Captain
was hacked outside, dragged himself in,
and collapsed on the floor.
Mr. Van, why did you have to think out
loud?
And again, how did this old bloodstain get
here?
Please, Mr. Van.
Don't talk like that.
It's wet.
You mean that's a f-f-f-f-fresh
bloodstain?
You don't see a w-w-w-wet paint sign
hanging on it, do you?
Oh, no, sir.
That's funny.
Looks awful pale.
Maybe the guy was anemic.
What's that?
What was that, Mr. Van?
Don't be so nervous, Euclid.
I ain't nervous, boss.
Then stop biting my nails.
Go away, Pelican.
This is no time for peckin'.
The first day a man is a guest,
the second a burden, the third a pest.
A hint to the wise is sufficient.
How do you like that?
For my money, a hint's more than
sufficient.
We've got to work fast, Euclid.
Lock that door.
Yessir.
We don't want to become no pest.
I sure don't like that guy's looks.
He just looks tough.
Tough enough to be a hatchet man.
No, he established an alibi.
Anywat, I'd hate to meet up with him.
Don't worry, you won't.
He's been dead for two years.
That's good.
Sit down, Euclid.
I want to check the size of these shoes.
Put them on.
Whose was they?
The killer's.
Mr. Van, I don't want to be in his shoes.
All right, put these on.
Whose is them?
The man who was murdered.
Give me them white ones.
All right.
If it fits, boss, it ain't necessarily so.
If it fits, it means the man was your size
and weight.
But not my color.
Who is it?
Good evening.
Eli, it's you.
Moronica Lake.
They said you wouldn't come back,
Skipper.
But I'd have waited for you a hundred
y'ars.
I'm your little Meg, all grow'd up.
Twenty y'ars old today.
You've made a mistake, lady.
You ain't forgettin' me already, Eli?
She must be a professional blind date.
Do you like my dress?
Ma made it for our wedding.
Every stitch of it.
A sweet little Alice Blue Goon.
Mr. Van, don't you think it's time to go?
Quiet, Euclid.
I think we got something here.
Tell us, little Bo Creep.
How long since you been ashore?
Not since you sailed away in 1861.
1861?
Time flies, doesn't it?
Tell me, was Lincoln elected?
He sure was.
And there ain't gonna be no more slavin'.
No more slavin'?
That's a scoop.
Oh Eli, since you went a-slavin', the years
have drug by like a ship in the calm.
But now that we're gettin' married,
it was worth it.
Every minute of it.
She's nuttier than a fruitcake.
I'll bake you one.
The finest fruitcake you ever had.
It might be Long Jack.
Did you say Long Jack?
Get this character.
He lives alone and looks it.
Why are you drifting around here for?
You stupid little pelican!
Me and Eli's gettin' married,
and you try stoppin' us this time,
Long Jack, and so help me, I'll have you
hung for what ya done.
Hold yer blabber, or I'll throttle you.
Wait a minute.
That's no way to treat a nice old lady.
Get along to the galley before I hang ye to
the yard arm.
You ain't in command of this floatin'
coffin tonight, Long Jack.
Eli won the bees back, and he'll be on
the bridge.
Shut up!
You cacklin' old sea-hag.
If you were a little bigger Euclid,
I'd punch that guy right in the nose.
Haven't I seen your picture on a bottle of
iodine?
What?
I mean, was that the little woman?
No. That's my little sister.
A harmless old witch, but she runs clean
off her course every once in a while.
Let's see, uh, do you live here?
I'm the owner of this ship, and I'll slit
the gizzard of any lubber what questions it.
Who's questioning?
Did you?
Don't look at me.
Just so's you know who's in command.
All right.
Uh, look, pal, uh, did you know Captain
Weatherby?
I was his first mate when they struck him
down.
That's when I took command.
Let's see, what about your kid sister?
What's buzzin' with her?
Oh, Meg here, she and Eli Weatherby was to
be married, and when they butchered Eli,
something cracked in her crow's nest.
She can't get her compass bearings ever
since.
She should take something.
We tried everything.
She just lost her ballast.
Too bad.
Mentally unballast.
Yeah.
I suppose, uh, you were on the ship when
the captain was murdered.
I ain't sayin' I was and I ain't sayin' I
weren't.
Well, that settles that.
Oh.
Do you know anything about this?
Where'd you get it?
It came by tsetse fly.
I'll bet Meg sent it.
Meg?
She's always sending letters.
Playing post office, eh?
Yeah, loves to.
What's that?
They're singing again.
Who?
Slaves.
Slaves?
Yeah, hundreds of them.
You can kill them, but you can't kill
their spirits.
Take it easy, chum, I don't go for ghosts.
They don't bother me none either since I
got used to them.
[Euclid stuttering]
Please, Mr. Bass, let's go.
Where?
Here.
This, uh, this stain, Long Jack,
is it, uh, is it real blood?
Sure is.
Captain Weatherby's. Been trying to get it off for years.
But it's wet.
And it won't never dry till they get
the lubber what done him in.
Uh, have you, uh, have you any idea who
might have killed the old Captain?
What's that you're saying?
I was just asking if...
Thar she blows!
Whales.
Must be Moby Dick!
Moby Dick?
Thought John Barrymore killed him 15 years
ago.
If you ask me, you've just been talking to
the hatching man in person.
Hatching man?
Are you kidding?
He looks like an old pipe cleaner I once
threw away.
Unpack that food, Euclid.
Looks like we're going to be here for some time.
Boss?
What's the matter?
I just seen a ghost of one of them slaves.
Where? Where?
On that ship.
Cut the clowning.
Don't say that.
I seen him, so help me.
Okay, Euclid, I believe you.
Boss?
Will you stop bothering me, please?
He's back again.
He's gone again.
Don't tell me a man of your intelligence
believes in ghosts.
I do now.
Euclid, everybody has someone.
And I have you.
Mr. Van.
What now?
Someone's at the door.
A crawling hot foot.
Something's screwy around here, or
I'm cuckoo.
Ain't nothing wrong with you, boss.
Yeah? I want to make sure.
You stay here.
Alone?
Hello?
Hello.
Who is it?
It's me, Euclid.
Is that you, boss?
No.
[muffled words] You overacted your scene.
I overacted? Well look who's talking.
The gruesome twosome.
Mr. Van. That man's here again.
Okay, Stella, get the flying bats ready.
Oh, now, look, Norbert, I'm tired.
That was a tough initiation we did last
night.
We still got a whole trunk full of magic
to spring on him.
What does Gilpin want for 20 bucks?
The thief of Baghdad?
Now, Stella, remember, we're troupers.
Even here, the show must go on.
Besides, if we do a
good job on Van Buren,
maybe we can get some
radio work out of Gilpin.
I bet you've been seeing things again.
You can lay odds on that one,
Mr. Van.
It may sound funny, but I believe you.
The show's over.
Come on out.
Is we going home now?
No, not until I get the answer.
What we need is some black coffee.
Here, make a big pot of it.
Where?
Down the galley, of course.
Take my flashlight.
Mr. Van, for the first time since I've
been in your service, I've got to refuse.
If it'll help, I'll go with you.
That's a little help, but a very little.
Euclid, I don't know what I'd do without
you, but I'd love to try.
Interesting, isn't it?
As long as you stay with me, it is.
What service?
Little Meg must be fixing the wedding
supper.
Just add some coffee and we're all set.
Don't you think you'd better ask them first?
Don't be silly.
The old hag's probably out on a haunting trip.
Norbert, have I got news.
Say, this is terrific.
What a play.
What a part for me.
The frog man.
Not bad.
But get a load of this.
Van Buren's got a dame up there.
No, really?
Yeah, and she's pretty, too.
Well, now, ain't that just ducky?
We'll give her a case of the jitters,
too.
Do we get paid extra?
We'll throw it in.
Gilpin's a nice guy.
This place is beginning to give me the
jitters.
What you need is a drink.
There's a bottle down in the galley.
That's not a bad idea.
Evening, Miss. Just fixing a
little coffee. I hope you don't mind.
Help yourself, me hearties.
Thank you, ma'am.
That's awful nice of you.
Who are you talking to, Euclid?
Why, little Miss Meg, of course.
I don't see anybody.
Did you say you don't see nobody?
Anybody.
Miss, would you mind making
yourself more... more obvious?
When Long Jack wants his rum, there's no
time to tarry.
I understand perfectedly.
You understand what perfectly?
You mean you still didn't see nobody,
hear nobody?
Maybe I imagined the whole thing.
Mr. Van.
What is it?
Does you see me?
Plain as night.
Good girl, Stella.
Well, we finally drove Mr. Van Buren nuts.
What do you mean?
Strangest thing, he kept looking right at me...
and insisting to his valet that I wasn't there.
Oh, well that's fine.
That's just what Mr. Guppen wants.
Yeah, but it kind of gives me the creeps.
Well, to you, Lady Amoudi.
Stay right where you are.
What is it?
I was just looking around.
I know who you are.
Where's that package from?
The package you got from Gruber.
It was nothing.
Stow the gab, lady.
Hand over that package.
But it's mine.
It was given to me.
You better give it to me, Miss Woods.
Don't move.
What a scene.
Is this the best Gilpin can do?
And that makeup, are you kidding?
The character you're playing is dead.
Cut the gab.
You act like a couple of amateurs.
This ain't an act, Mr. Van Buren.
It's improper to point.
Emily Post wouldn't like it.
Don't ever take a job like this again.
You're terrible.
And don't come back.
I've got a lot of work to do.
I hope you don't mind
my criticizing you, but
with your face, you
should do lighter things.
You know, you'd be great in a musical.
I can just picture your name in lights.
By the way, what is your name?
Betty Woods.
Are you H.H. Van Buren?
That's right.
Your favorite radio boogie man.
Oh, the way you handled that man was
magnificent.
Oh, it was nothing.
I once picketed Jesse James.
Single handed.
You aren't taking this very seriously,
are you?
Now, you read that line very well.
You know, you're the best one so far,
but your supporting cast is really brutal.
I'm not an actress.
Well, you've got
possibilities, but you'll never
get anyplace playing
corny parts like this.
I don't know what you're talking about,
Mr. Van Buren.
I came here because I inherited the ship.
Ah, the plot thickens.
Now, during intermission, would you join
me in a cup of coffee?
I certainly could use some.
Euclid!
Go down to the galley and get some more
dishes.
All by myself?
-Well, here.
Take this if it'll make you feel easier.
Oh, no, sir.
If anything happen, I don't want to be weighted
down with nothing heavy.
All right.
Take the flashlight.
May I take your coat?
Oh, thank you.
Tell me, what's the next scene in Gilpin's
obnoxious opera?
I don't know who you think I am,
but I'm really Captain Weatherby's grand niece.
Tonight I found out he left
everything to me.
Yeah, everything but the headache.
He left that to me.
Naturally, I've been very interested in
your broadcast of the captain's murder.
Thanks.
Please sit down.
You know, it's a strange Will.
He gives me this dog collar,
this old ship, and then it
says he leaves me the whole
world and everything in it.
Big hearted Eli.
It does sound crazy, doesn't it?
-Yes.
There's something more.
It says here I must take a trip.
Where to, Niagara Falls?
No, the same one he took September 3, 1929.
Well, there's his logbook.
Help yourself.
I already did.
That's the craziest part of it all.
The trip was over 10,000 miles long,
and he made it all in one day.
It doesn't make sense.
Makes as much sense as this dog collar.
How does this thing fit into this silly
drama?
It was found on Captain Eli's dog,
Samson.
You've muffed a line, Miss Woods.
It says here the dog's name is Josh,
not Samson.
See?
But the dog's name was Samson.
My father used to tell me about him.
I don't know what the 721 means.
Well, that's in case he bit someone.
They could get his license number.
The dog collar.
Captain Weatherby sure had a strange sense
of humor.
Why, David, what are you doing here?
Aha, the leading man, eh?
Chuck drove me down.
Come on, honey, get your hat and coat.
I'm going to take you home.
Oh, boy, is he hammy.
Oh, David, this is Mr. Van Buren,
the radio commentator.
And Mr. Courtland.
I never liked you on the radio,
and I don't like you now.
Come to think of it, you're kind of
revolting yourself.
Come on, darling.
Now, wait a minute.
She's not leaving here until I'm through
with this investigation.
Mister, you're through right now.
Oh, yeah?
David, you shouldn't have done that.
The man who lifts the veil, eh?
Mr. Van?
Mr. Van.
Mr. Van!
Oh. The hatchet man done got him.
Mr. Van.
Mr. Van, speak to me.
What happened?
What happened?
What are you doing?
I'm checking for the hatchet.
I remember now.
Where'd they go?
This gag has gone too far.
Mr. Van, this ain't no gag.
I seen that man dragging that lady out of
here.
He's the hatchet man.
Why don't you slug him?
Me?
Why, I had my hands full of dishes.
I didn't want to drop them.
Lucky for him.
Hey, who are you?
What do you want?
We're leaving here.
What about it?
Not just a minute.
I'm the owner of this ship.
Since when?
Since tonight.
Oh, Long Jack me quarters.
at your service Ma'am.
Oh, this place is alive with screwballs.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, no, David.
I'm going to find out what this is all
about.
Shall I heave the lubber over a side bum?
You and who else?
Now, there's no use in getting excited,
old boy.
Hey, anybody here?
This place is getting busier than the
Albany night boat.
Did Mr. Gilpin send you?
Mr. Gilpin?
What are you doing here?
My car ran into a ditch in the fog.
We saw this ship and...
We ain't running no hotel.
We should only stay until the fog lifts.
Well, all right.
Thank you, Captain.
Thank you.
Oh, now, look, darling, you don't really
believe that hidden diamond stuff, do you?
I just want to make sure, David.
Now we're getting carriage trade.
Good evening.
I'm Professor Baskin, Waldo Baskin.
And this is Mr. Flack.
Jonathan Flack.
You'll have to pardon us, gentlemen.
We're on our way back to New York.
Well, in this fog, I'm afraid you'll have
to use a divining rod to find your way.
It would be an extremely hazardous drive.
There you see now, David.
We'll just have to stay.
If you'll excuse me for a minute, gentlemen,
I have to see a man about a dog collar.
A young man.
Are you honeymooners?
No, Miss Woods owns this boat.
Oh, then she must be the grand niece of
Captain Weatherby.
Of course.
I remember reading about her when the old
gentleman was killed.
Oh, you've got a pretty keen memory,
mister.
Thank you.
It's come in mighty handy to me.
Well, if this is to be our sanctuary,
we may as well make ourselves comfortable.
Come along, young man.
What's that?
Raisins. Good for you.
Puts iron in your blood.
Who wants iron?
I want blood.
Oh, a guy could starve to death from
a sock on a jaw like that.
Was that a man or a mule that hit me?
I don't know, boss.
I've only seen him from the back.
Then it must have been a horse.
It's chilly in here.
Do you feel the draft?
If I'm shivering, boss, it ain't
because I'm cold.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Oh, pardon me.
I thought it was Joe Muscles.
I'm awfully sorry for what happened,
Mr. Van Buren.
Oh, that's all right.
What's a little case of lockjaw?
Just part of the show.
You don't mind if I fracture a skull for
the second act curtain, do you?
I'll see that David apologizes.
Yeah, you ought to take his lone ranger
button away from him.
I came back to get the dog collar.
Well, I guess your boyfriend's cold
without it.
Why, it's gone.
-That's funny. I just put it there.
Look, the window.
Somebody must have reached in and...
-It must be the man who threatened me.
Now I know that dog collar means
something.
Must mean something.
Say, what am I doing falling for this
phoney baloney of yours?
Miss Woods, will you get out of character,
please?
Whether you believe it or not,
there's something valuable hidden on this
ship, and I'm going to find it before
somebody else does.
Slow curtain.
Never mind.
Let's get back to work.
If it's all the same as you, boss,
I'd rather get back to town.
I can't leave here till I get the killer's
name.
This here eel,
we hooked him in the China Sea.
Weighed over 20 pounds.
Gave us quite a tustle.
A very interesting specimen of Anguilla
chrisypa.
Huh?
If you'll excuse me, Professor,
that isn't Anguilla chrisypa.
It's Anguilla anguilla.
He's right.
Then you amaze me.
Are you by chance an ichthyologist?
No, just a book salesman who reads his own
merchandise.
Bramley treats the subject quite
thoroughly in his Adventures at the Bottom.
I think I have one in my case.
The lubber's a walking encyclopedie.
Look at that binding, gentlemen.
Finest Russian calf.
This volume contains hundreds of
illustrations, all in color.
Well, uh, perhaps later.
How about you, Captain?
I don't like fish.
[bells ringing]
Dang those bells!
They're running fast again.
Well, wouldn't you just like to glance
through it?
Oh, thank you.
Pardon me.
I think the Anguilla crisypa is
illustrated in here.
I just remembered I left my briefcase in the
car.
Will you excuse me?
Hey, just a minute.
Is Mr. H.H. Van Buren here?
I really don't know.
We just came aboard.
Well, make up your mind.
I beg your pardon, sir, but haven't we met
somewhere before?
Have you ever been arrested?
Indeed not.
I'm sorry, mister.
Just force of habit.
I've been a policeman for 15 years.
Well, it's amazing.
You look exactly like someone I once knew.
Well, I'm sorry for him if he looks like
me.
Who are you?
Say, who are you grabbing?
Nothing to get excited about, old boy.
Who are you?
You tell him, Professor.
The fish ain't the only queer specimens
aboard this tub.
Eli Weatherby, captain and owner.
Chartered by Manuel de Zeta.
Why should he use two names?
Is he asking me both?
Do you know?
No.
Then I'm not asking you.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I'm a halfwit.
Here's the other half.
Hello, Houdini.
Hope I'm not intruding.
Why should you be an exception?
Where's your crystal ball?
I'm a tea leaves man.
Yeah, very funny.
You know, Inspector, you've got the
makings of a great failure.
Mister, would you like a cup of coffee?
You never saw a cop that wasn't hungry.
What brings you down here, Hawkshaw?
Well, a fellow can never tell.
Even you might stumble onto something.
So just in case, I want to be in on it
before you spill it over the radio.
Oh, thanks.
Anything new?
Not yet.
By the way, what makes you so sure that
Weatherby and DeZetta were one man?
We checked DeZetta's fingerprints and they
were the same as the captain's.
Simple?
Yeah.
I wish you guys would put those things on
record.
Yeah, I'll take it up with Congress.
They're very busy right now.
What are you doing?
Why don't you go play in the subway?
[moaning]
What happened?
Dog collar...Jackson...Volker.
Next week, East Linn.
What do you mean?
Take a barmick.
That's your terrific.
What do you want, you nut?
Oh, just ignore it, Inspector.
It's all part of a rib.
A rib, huh?
This man's been stabbed.
What do you think that is, ketchup?
You can buy that Mercurochrome
at any drug store.
This guy's an actor and he's pretty awful
at that.
Then he's a dead actor.
Holy mackerel.
He is dead.
Can I say one word?
-What is it?
Help!
Yeah, were you waiting for him to tell you
who the killer is?
That name he was trying to tell us before
wasn't it Jackson Volker?
That's right.
Well, that's a picture you were scribbling
on.
Then he really is Mac Wulf.
That's right.
I remember him now.
He was one of Weatherby's crew,
but we thought he was dead.
Well, it was a little late, but he made
it.
Yeah, it looks like
your radio program's
brought the boys back
for a little get-together.
Yeah, and they started off with a nice game
of mumbly-peg.
The dog collar. Maybe he's...
-Yeah, hold on.
Clean as a whistle.
Then all I have to do is
to find the guy with the
collar, and I got the dog
who killed Weatherby.
Now, just a minute.
This is my department.
I'm going out to phone headquarters,
and you keep your hands off, see?
What do you think I'm here for,
a rescuer?
Listen, lame brain.
Cracking this case is more important than
entertaining a lot of radio bugs.
Now, don't you try to leave this boat,
or you'll broadcast from the morgue.
Get me?
Euclid.
Come on, lame brain.
I'll show that lame brain who's a lame
brain.
Wait a minute, boss.
Does I have to come now, Mr. Van?
Yes, unless you want to stay here with
this dead body.
I don't want to stay here with nobody.
Oh, Eli, it's you.
Bring down the curtain, Trilby.
The show's all over.
I've been wise to you all night.
Where's Dracula?
Dracula?
If you mean Norbert.
I mean that phony captain.
I wanted to take me through this ship.
He left with that detective.
Why?
Has anything happened?
Just a murder, that's all.
A murder?
Oh, I told him we should leave when those
strange men came aboard.
What men?
They arrived a little while ago,
two of them.
They're in the saloon.
They look like professional men.
But why did that detective take Norbert?
He didn't do it.
Honestly, I was with him.
Save the hysterics, Bernhardt.
Not a word to anyone and stay right here.
And you, Euclid, we're
going into that saloon
and I want you to act as
if nothing had happened.
I ain't that good an actor.
Neither am I.
Come on.
Good evening.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all.
Were you caught in the fog, too?
Yes, we're all in the same boat,
aren't we?
Very appropriate.
Yes, very appropriate.
Who's the character with the mink bib?
That is Professor Bascomb.
My name is Jonathan Flack.
How do.
What are you doing, Professor,
playing hooky?
Professor Bascomb is a scientist,
not a teacher.
I bet you could make a nasty Mickey Finn.
I'm an oceanographer.
An ocean what?
Oceanography is the science that treats of
oceanic life and phenomena.
To be more explicit, thalassography.
So you won't talk, eh?
Comfortable there, isn't it, huh?
Guess you've been sleeping there
quite a while?
No, only a few minutes.
How long you two gentlemen been here?
Oh, I should say a minute.
Just a minute.
What is this, a cross-examination?
Oh, don't be silly, Professor.
I'm only making conversation.
What's going on around here?
Where's Miss Woods?
Well, look who's here.
Hit-and-run Harry.
And where have you been?
Now listen, there's a man's body out
there.
He's been murdered, and I
want to know... Just a minute.
I know all about it, and what's more,
I'm going to find out who did it.
So that's why you were plying us
with questions.
Right you are, Professor, and I'm going to
ask some more.
So you better have the answers ready.
Now you answer me.
Where's Miss Woods?
She's out looking for diamonds.
And incidentally, what have you been
doing?
The same thing.
Why?
Oh, nothing.
I believe you.
But only temporarily.
Where have you been for the last half
hour, Mr. Bones?
I've been in this room ever since we came
aboard.
Oh, you have, eh?
That's correct.
I've been right here with
him all the time,
except for the few minutes I
was gone for my briefcase.
Oh, so you did leave here.
How long were you gone?
How long does it take to go out to the car
and back?
How long does it take to shove a knife
between a man's ribs?
The professor dissects fish, not people.
Look, Mr. Britannica, whoever
killed that man stole a dog
collar from him, so I'm
going to frisk everybody here.
Oh, you just think you are...
-It's quite unnecessary to search anyone.
Is this what you're looking for?
So you admit you did it?
Don't be ridiculous.
I found it outside on the deck.
When you went for your briefcase,
I suppose?
No, when I was returning with it.
What if these are real jewels?
Solid glass.
Just like his chin.
Listen, if you ever went to a mind reading,
he'd charge you half price.
You mean someone killed a man just for a
dog collar?
It's been done for less, Mr. Flack.
It's funny, this tag says Josh 721.
Could be the guy's batting average.
Did you say Josh 721?
I didn't say DiMaggio 357.
Must have meant Joshua 721.
That would be a biblical concordance.
The book of Joshua, 7th chapter,
21st verse.
It could be.
The captain spent a lot of time reading
the Bible.
I think I have one in my case.
21, here it is.
When I saw among the spoils a goodly
Babylonish garment and 200 shekels of
silver and a wedge of gold of 50 shekels
weight, then I coveted them and took them.
And behold, they are
hid in the earth
in the midst of my tent
and the silver under it.
Hid in the earth in the midst of my
tent?
Well, that would simply mean where you
lived.
That's it.
There is something hidden on this boat.
Hidden in the earth in the midst
of my... It could be anywhere.
I know.
The will that Betty has, the log book.
Euclid, don't let anybody leave till I get
back.
Could I make you gentlemen a cup of
coffee?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann said we ought to stay in his room
till he gets back.
Where'd they go?
The minute you left they ducked down there
like rats in a hole.
The Professor too?
Yes, he left the others at the post.
The professor's Jackson Volker and he's
after Miss Woods.
Come on.
Betty?
Betty?
Who's that? -Me.
Both times? -Yeah.
Double talk.
Betty!
Betty!
What was that?
Sounded like a baseball bat to me.
The Yankees must be training early.
Miss Woods.
Euclid, what's that?
Nothing but your shadow, boss.
=My shadow, huh?
If it is, it ain't doing what I'm doing.
Diamonds. Diamonds.
Millions of them.
Grand Slam in Diamonds.
[woman's scream]
Betty!
Betty!
Not even an echo this time.
Betty!
If she'd only yell again.
[crashing sound]
That was no ----, boss.
-Quiet,
She's down there.
What happened?
I don't know.
I was looking.
When suddenly a man came in and grabbed me
and tied me up.
Who was it?
I don't know.
A slender man with a beard.
He took the will.
Do you remember what was in that will?
Most of it. Why?
Well, it may give us the key to the whole
works.
What do you mean?
I mean, it might add up with that screwy
trip he told about in the log book.
If the log book is still there.
Come on, hurry.
There he is.
All right, Mr. Volker.
What's happened to him?
-The hatchet man must have got him.
Where's the will?
-He got it. Find the log book.
Who got it?
-Hurry.
Here, quick.
Well, it looks like we missed the boat.
They didn't get the log book.
That trip the captain took, do you
remember the date of it?
That's it.
September 3rd, 1929.
How could this tell where the treasure
was?
It says he sailed from New
York to Marseille, then through
the canal to Hong Kong, and
wound up in Portuguese Angola.
All in one day.
It's impossible.
Some kind of a code, all right,
but I don't get it.
If you pardon me, Miss Woods, your old
uncle was shy some of his marbles.
I'd say most of them.
Will you please stop spinning that thing?
I'm dizzy enough already.
Excuse me.
Do that again.
But you just told me to stop.
I changed my mind. Do you mind?
Oh, I don't mind.
Now stop it.
But you said spin it.
-I said stop it.
Hid in the earth in the midst of my tent.
I've got it.
That globe is the earth, and this ship is
his tent.
Mr. Van, you ain't feeling well.
Betty, you stand over there.
Turn the globe, as I tell you.
Start in New York.
All right.
-Now to Marseille.
Now to Hong Kong.
Did you hear that?
-It's a combination.
Easy now. To Portuguese Angola.
It's stuck.
Look.
-The diamonds.
I knew it.
Where's David?
-Never mind, David. He's sold plenty of diamonds tonight.
All right, put 'em down.
And step away from that globe.
Turn in your costume, Hamelet. The show's closed.
There's been a couple of murders here tonight.
One move out of you and it'll be three.
Oh, Norbert, thank goodness you're safe.
Inspector Norris.
So you're allergic to diamonds,
too?
They're mine.
They were stolen from me.
Stolen from you?
That's not true.
He's been after those diamonds ever since
Weatherby got them in Portuguese Angola. He's...
Back up and
stay healthy, stupid.
You're Jackson Voelker, aren't you?
Yes.
-Did you kill Mac Wolf?
And you killed Captain Weatherby,
too, didn't you?
No.
-Then who did?
Did you think you were playing with
children?
You'll get the chair for this. And 30 days
for impersonating an officer, Mr. DeZetta.
Inspector Norris.
Pardon me, but the penalty for
impersonating an officer is six months.
I have a Laswell's Law Manual in my case.
Keep it there.
Somebody clocked me in the head.
Oh, I wonder who it could have been.
Oh, Dave, the diamonds are here.
Look.
Oh. What beautiful specimens.
These are the finest Mexican rock crystals
I've ever seen.
Mexican what?
In Winslow Fitch's "Semi-precious Gems at
a Glance",
He devotes two whole chapters to this.
I think I have one in my case.
You mean they aren't valuable?
Oh, on the contrary.
I'd say this collection would bring as
much as $90, maybe $100.
Incidentally, Jerk Dalton, what flag are
you flying?
I beg your pardon?
What's your racket?
Oh, I represent the Star Publishers
Limited.
I picked up the late professor about two
miles down the road.
He claimed his car ran into a ditch.
So why did you pick on this place?
Well, Professor Bascomb suggested it,
and I haven't sold one book.
That's too bad.
Slug me and steal my wardrobe,
will you?
Come on, Stella, we're leaving. There's
something suspicious going on around here.
Are you kidding?
Mr. Van, when did you first suspect that
policeman was no policeman?
I knew it all the time.
Were you sure?
Was I sure?
Just as sure as this storm was over.
Uh-oh.
So this is your estate, huh?
Some inheritance.
Anyway, it makes me an heiress.
You'd better keep it quiet before the city
makes you haul this junk away.
Well, as long as we've
driven clear out here,
we might as well
take a quick look at it.
OK.
It's kind of scary.
This must have been the saloon.
I'll bet old Uncle Eli's spent a lot of
time in there.
Not that kind of saloon, silly.
Oh!
--Bats. It won't hurt you.
I don't like them anyway.
I don't believe this cabin's been open
since the police investigation.
What's that?
Well, that must be the
police diagram showing
where they discovered
Captain Weatherby's body.
oh, here we are.
You know, it's a funny thing they never
found out who killed the old geezer.
Maybe we'll find out from H.H. Van Buren.
Van Buren?
You still tuning in on that big phoney?
The man who lifts the veil, huh?
OK, David, go ahead and laugh at him.
But just remember, he solved
all those other crimes.
Oh, darling, don't be so naive.
He always plays safe and names somebody
that's already dead.
He'll probably try to pin this one on
John Wilkes Booth.
Maybe so.
But anyway, he claims Uncle
Eli had a fabulous collection
of diamonds hidden
somewhere on this old ship.
He might tell us where it is.
Listen, if that jerk knew where it was,
he'd 've been out here months ago,
wearing a jeweler's eyepiece for a
monocle.
Doesn't seem to be anything in here.
What's the matter, dear?
Why, I don't know.
I just felt as if someone had been staring
at me.
I guess it's just my imagination.
I don't wonder if this place would get on
anybody's nerves.
Let's get out of here.
I wonder why the old boy had that scow
holed up in dry land.
He intended to spend the rest of his life on it.
He sure spent it quick.
Yeah, all in one place.
Hey, Van.
What's the matter, Curly?
I can't find that Jerry Gilpin any place.
Well, what are you worried about?
Nobody listens to his commercials anyhow.
You read it.
Me?
Sure.
Go ahead.
God bless you.
Salute.
Chinese.
Forget old-fashioned superstitions.
Good wishes in any language never cured a
cold.
That third sneeze calls for action.
And action means Conroy's cold compound.
And now we bring in the man who
reconstructs and reveals the solutions to
crimes which for years have baffled the
law.
Mr. H. H. Van Buren.
The man who lifts the veil.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
And good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
In my third installment last Friday night
of the famous Captain Weatherby murder
case, I set the stage for the scene in his
cabin aboard the ill-famed schooner known
along the African coast as the Black
Joker.
On that fateful night, the eccentric old
captain was reading his Bible,
his faithful dog lying at
his feet, suddenly growled
at the sound of footsteps
outside the cabin door.
Quiet, boy, quiet, muttered the captain.
He listened and the dog growled again as
the sound was repeated.
Who's there?
Who's there, he called?
But no one answered.
Captain Weatherby
searched the deck for his
unseen callers as silently as the black night.
The brawny arms reached out to grab the
old skipper.
The giant beast tore in with bared fangs.
A guttural voice demanded, Where are they?
Where are they, those diamonds?
Hello?
No, no, they're mine.
Yes, this is Miss Woods.
I must see you immediately.
It's very urgent.
A matter of life and death.
The captain's words were cut short as
powerful hands.
Yes?
Yes.
And the men were locked in a death struggle.
There was a sickening...
Are we alone?
--What?
I'm Mark Gruber, attorney at law.
Well?
I have an appointment with you,
next year.
Aren't you a little ahead of time?
Fortunately, I am.
Why did Van Buren have to dig up the
Weatherby murder case?
It was forgotten, dead.
Oh, but it's very interesting.
Well, naturally it is to you, being the
grand niece of the Captain.
I'm not exactly proud of that,
the old pirate.
I'm not interested in your sentiments,
Miss Woods.
I want to wash my hands of the whole
business before it's too late.
Too late?
Van Buren thinks they're all dead.
He'll find out.
I don't get it.
Well, I haven't time to explain.
I'm here to execute Captain Weatherby's
will and assign the estate to you.
You needn't bother, Mr. Gruber.
I've seen the Black Joker
and you can have her.
Not me, young lady, not me.
As I said, the will was
not to be executed until
next year, but I'm not
waiting another minute.
Now, besides the Black Joker at Hurricane Point,
the remainder of your
legacy is in this package.
You don't suppose there could be anything
of value hidden on the old ship, do you?
Well, if there is, it won't
be hidden long with
that idiot broadcasting
it to the whole world.
Please, not until after I've left.
And now, Miss Woods, I wish you luck.
Goodbye.
Seek and ye shall find.
Hello, Jarvis?
This is Miss Woods.
Is David there?
Oh, will you tell him I can't see him
tonight, please?
I'll phone him in the morning.
Thank you.
Detectives assigned to the Weatherby case
sailed to Cape Morro in Portuguese Angola,
but their long journey was to be in vain.
Ten years of relentless search and
investigation has failed to bring the
killer or killers of Captain Weatherby to
justice.
So next Friday night,
I shall lift the veil on
this mystery which has
baffled criminal science.
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall name the
man.
Heal that cold the easy way with Conroy's
cold compound.
Thank you and good evening, ladies and
gentlemen.
I'll murder that Gilpin for not showing up.
You read it great, Curly,
better than Gilpin.
If that guy has any talent, it must be in
his brother's name.
Mr. Conroy wants to see you, Mr. Van
Buren.
He's in sponsor's room 4.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry, I'll handle you, old boy.
Hello, Mr. Conroy.
How'd you like the broadcast?
Pretty much, Van, but I don't think this
gentleman appreciated it.
Well, maybe you don't like mysteries.
You should force yourself.
This is Inspector Norris of the New Jersey
State Police.
Well, I'm very glad to know you, Inspector.
I paid that fine in Hackensack, so...
Mr. Van Buren, there's
something I want to know.
Anything to oblige an officer.
Who killed Captain Weatherby?
Oh, now you'll have to wait just like
everyone else.
Mr. Conroy doesn't even know and he's the
sponsor.
That's right.
We can't trust anybody.
Mr. Van Buren, I have a warrant for your
arrest.
All right, I'll buy tickets to the
policeman's ball.
Anything else, Mr. Conroy?
There sure is.
I'm arresting you for obstructing justice
and withholding evidence.
Say, who thought of that?
That's a good publicity stunt.
What a slogan.
Van Buren lifts the veil direct from jail.
What do you think, Mr. Conroy?
Splendid idea.
I think it's... Yeah, but it isn't gonna
work that way.
You're gonna tell me right now or I'm
taking you over to Jersey where we have
methods of finding out things and it
doesn't take a week.
But wait a minute, I thought you were
kidding.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
But I was... Yes, I can.
These are extradition papers.
But if it gets out before Friday night,
I lose 15 million listeners.
That's your business.
Mine is to nab the killer
of Captain Weatherby
and it's been my
business for 10 long years.
What do you think, Mr. Conroy?
Well, I... I guess you'll just have to
tell him.
Yeah, but think of what it does to my
Crossley rating.
You're breaking my heart.
Come on, out with it, mastermind.
There was a fellow named Louie Murado.
Yeah, I've been smoking him for years.
Now, who was it?
Okay, it was Manuel De Zeta.
Manuel De Zeta, huh?
What's so funny?
You're to be congratulated, Mr. Van Buren.
Yeah, but I'm right.
I can prove it.
This man's really clever.
Brilliant.
Yes, sir, you're an astounding young
fellow.
Only I'm surprised that
you didn't find out that
Manuel De Zeta and Captain
Weatherby were the same man.
What?
Yeah, someday when I have lots of time,
I'll explain it to you.
Inspector, when did you find this out?
We've known it for years, only we don't
broadcast.
Young man, you handled him like a master.
I thought for a minute you were going to
tell him the real answer.
Mr. Conroy, that was the real answer.
De Zeta's the guy I had right along,
but I guess I was wrong.
Why, you can't be.
Norris must be wrong.
So that's the reason for those De Zeta
entries I found on the captain's logbook.
What do you say?
De Zeta's just a fictitious character.
It's all clear to me now.
Oh, look, Van.
Maybe Captain Weatherby committed suicide.
Yeah, he threw the hatchet up in the air
and he caught it on the back of his neck.
He was a juggler.
This can't be true.
It's just a bad dream.
I'm pinching myself too, Mr. Conroy,
but it hurts.
Millions of people are
waiting for Conroy's coal
compound to tell them who
killed Captain Weatherby.
You've got to tell them, Van, even if you
have to confess it yourself.
That's no good, because in 1930 I was a
Woodcraft boy, Beaver Hut number 3, Schenectady.
How do you like this compass they gave me
for being the best woodchuck?
Never mind that.
You'll know, but all that showed up were a
few gray hairs and de Zeta.
Now what are we going to do?
I'll think of something.
Maybe I should bump myself off and have
the secret die with me.
That doesn't solve my problem.
Just a suggestion.
Well, I've got a better one.
You go down to the Black Joker right now
and see what you can find there.
Mr. Conroy, I went down there two weeks ago.
It's nothing but a deserted old hulk.
I know, but it's the scene
of the crime, and you
might be lucky enough to
run right into the answer.
Now come on, get going.
Well, I don't feel that lucky,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Good luck, Van.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
What's gonna keep the low one from
sagging?
Where is that Van Buren?
I'll tear him apart.
What do you mean by coming in here dressed
like that, Mr. Gilpin?
Listen, Mr. Conroy.
Where have you been?
And don't tell me there was your voice I
heard reading a commercial.
I'll say it wasn't.
And I'm in no mood for your silly pranks.
Do I look like I'm enjoying it?
Get a load of this for a dirty lowdown
trick.
I received this invitation to a masquerade
at the mayor's home.
So I rented this whole layout, and with
lollipops, too.
As I rang the bell, his honor's bodyguard
grabbed me and waltzed me downtown.
When I claimed I was a
radio announcer, they tossed
me in the clink, and in
the psychopathic ward, too.
I don't doubt it.
What's Van Buren got to do with this?
Listen, I can smell one of his corny gags
a mile.
Where did he go, Mr. Conroy?
If I remember, you thought it was very funny
when you put that porcupine in his bed.
I think that was an intimate little gag.
It didn't interfere with his work.
No, but something else did.
Yeah?
What happened?
We're in trouble.
Serious trouble.
I don't care what happens
to Van Buren after Friday
night, but until then, he's
got a problem to solve.
Don't tell me he hasn't got the answer.
No.
So the genius tripped over his veil.
What?
I mean, that's too bad, Mr. Conroy.
What's he going to do?
I don't know.
Anyway, I sent him down to the Black Joker
to see if he could find a clue.
That's a good idea, Mr. Conroy.
It's a very good idea.
Hey, Chuck.
Won't you start, Miss Woods?
Well, it doesn't seem to.
That's funny.
It ain't flooded.
The rotor in the distributor is missing.
Well, maybe it jarred loose and fell off.
Not the rotor.
You have to take it off.
And it was swiped within the hour because
it was running perfect when I backed it up.
That's funny.
How long will it take you to fix it?
Oh, not long.
If I can find a place around here open.
Well, I'll go over at the coffee shop and
have dinner while you're getting one.
Okay.
Hello.
Lonesome Heart Social Club.
This is Euclid Brown.
I want to place a bet at Hialeah tomorrow.
Yeah, two bits across the board on
Stormy Weather.
But if it clears up before post time,
switch it over to Sunshine Sadie.
Euclid!
I have to call you back.
Evening, boss.
Nice broadcast?
Didn't you listen?
Oh, no, sir.
I never do.
It gives me the heavey-jeevy.
Well, that's the idea of it.
It ain't my idea.
You know, Euclid,
sometimes I look at you and wonder.
And then again
I look at you...and wonder.
I wonder what he's wondering about when he
wonders.
What a guy.
He's got that certain nothing.
Boss, do you think you're doing right in
messing with that Weatherby case?
Why not?
I was afraid of this one.
I can feel it in my bones.
That's rheumatism.
Forget it, Euclid.
I broadcast twelve of them already and
nothing's ever happened.
That's just it.
This is the thirteenth one.
Did you say thirteen?
Twelve and one, I can add.
Pack some food and get the car out.
We're taking a trip.
We're going out to the Black Joker at
Hurricane Point.
You mean that murder ship?
Yes, and we'll leave him right away.
Oh, please, boss.
I don't want to go out there.
There's nothing to be afraid of,
Euclid.
The old ship has been deserted for years.
Why don't we just leave it that way,
Mr. Van?
Euclid, I said there's nothing to worry
about.
Boss, you don't think I is yellow?
Are you kidding?
Go on, get the car out.
Ten minutes after the Springdale
Bank was held up, Sheriff
Lem Holder ordered Buckaroo
Bob brought back dead or alive.
With cries of, "String him up", "I got a
rope", the posse thundered out of town.
Buckaroo Bob rode his Pinto towards the Pecos
country.
He aimed to head off Pancho and his band
at Pony Creek before they cashed the gold.
Buckaroo Bob's honor
was at stake, for he was
accused of leading the
gang that held up the bank.
Pancho, with his band of outlaws,
emptied the bags of gold and a blank...
Oh, boy, is that corny, sticking in a phony
gunshot for no reason at all?
You ready, Euclid?
Oh, boss, why do we have
to go down to the Black Jonah
when you already got the
name of the hatchet man?
I've got to get a new one, Euclid,
if I have to name you.
Oh, it couldn't be me.
I was just a little bitty shaver when they
chopped down the Captain.
So was George Washington when he chopped
down the cherry tree.
What a road.
They must have built this to make the
detour look good.
I sure knows a better one.
Why don't you tell me, where is it?
On the way to Atlantic City.
Look, Euclid, we're going to the Black
Joker.
Now, stop moping.
How about we're out getting there?
Something tells me I've been driving
around in a circle for the last hour.
I wondered why I was getting dizzy.
That's not the reason.
Well. There she is.
If that old ship could only talk.
If she do, I ain't gonna be here to answer.
What's that?
It's a fog horn.
Sounds like cable to me, boss.
Let's git.
Bring the luggage.
We're going aboard.
The horns are blowing and the boats that
don't go nowhere.
Just ain't natural.
You think we better, boss?
Yes, before we get pneumonia.
That ain't what's worrying me.
Excuse me, post.
What's that?
Chicken of the sea.
Flying tuna fish?
Yeah, no...seagulls.
Uh oh. What's all this?
Wasn't here before.
Somebody's opened a fish monger.
Bad location. Never make it pay.
There's something about this room that
isn't right.
Everything ain't right to me, boss.
I know.
It's that lamp.
He's planning to pick on one beside the
lamp.
Yeah, but it's lit and moving.
Maybe the hatchet man lit it.
What, 10 years ago and still burning?
I don't know about that, but it's still
swinging.
Somebody must have just been here.
Lamps don't light by themselves.
Look, there ain't no fish there.
That's the one that got away.
Hey, boss, what happened to this one?
Catfish.
Boss! What's that?
Eight snakes playing football.
Uh oh!
Duck down!
Almost got conclusion of the brain.
You mean concussion.
I mean conclusion.
That's the end.
So long, boss.
Just a minute, Euclid.
Isn't this my hat?
Yes, I didn't want to wear your good one.
Oh, fine.
I'd ask you for my suspenders,
only I'm afraid my pants would fall down.
There's that horn again.
Must be the last call for going ashore.
Now, will you calm down, Euclid,
and stay close to me.
Mr. Van, if I was any closer,
I'd be in front of you.
Turn on the light.
It is on.
Then I is going blind.
It's the first time I ever saw
a blackout with eyes.
Looks like somebody's been playing
hopscotch.
That's where the cops found the body.
Let's get to work.
Unpack that bag.
Yessir.
Hey, boss, lookie here.
What do you know about that?
That hole wasn't made by no mouse.
It's a bullet hole.
And if you ask me, it has your name on it.
Don't be silly.
Or are you silly?
I think this time.
I used to get nervous.
Thanks.
There you are, Miss Woods.
Thank you, Chuck.
Okay.
Hello, Chuck.
Good evening, Mr. Courtland.
Say, uh, Miss Woods take her car out
tonight?
Yeah, she just left a minute ago.
Did she say where she was going?
Hurricane Point.
Hurricane Point?
That's what she said.
Thanks.
Okay.
Chuck!
Hey, Chuck, come here.
Yeah.
Take a look at this thing.
That tire's been cut.
Well, I'll be dogged.
Now, who are you supposed to do a thing
like that?
Yeah, what goes on around here?
Well, I'll get the jack and change it for
you.
All right, Euclid.
Sunny side up.
Turn a little more on your stomach,
Euclid.
Yeah.
That's it now.
Hold it there.
Wait a minute. Who am I supposed to be?
Captain Weatherby.
And who are you supposed to be?
I'm the murderer.
Oh, I'm not going to throw the hatchet,
but you might accidentally drop it.
All right, I'll do it without the hatchet.
Maybe you could do it without me.
Why do you think I brought you along?
Just to make...unclear
The killer must have come through this
door.
Then again, he could have squeezed through
this porthole.
No, that isn't right, because the Captain
was hacked outside, dragged himself in,
and collapsed on the floor.
Mr. Van, why did you have to think out
loud?
And again, how did this old bloodstain get
here?
Please, Mr. Van.
Don't talk like that.
It's wet.
You mean that's a f-f-f-f-fresh
bloodstain?
You don't see a w-w-w-wet paint sign
hanging on it, do you?
Oh, no, sir.
That's funny.
Looks awful pale.
Maybe the guy was anemic.
What's that?
What was that, Mr. Van?
Don't be so nervous, Euclid.
I ain't nervous, boss.
Then stop biting my nails.
Go away, Pelican.
This is no time for peckin'.
The first day a man is a guest,
the second a burden, the third a pest.
A hint to the wise is sufficient.
How do you like that?
For my money, a hint's more than
sufficient.
We've got to work fast, Euclid.
Lock that door.
Yessir.
We don't want to become no pest.
I sure don't like that guy's looks.
He just looks tough.
Tough enough to be a hatchet man.
No, he established an alibi.
Anywat, I'd hate to meet up with him.
Don't worry, you won't.
He's been dead for two years.
That's good.
Sit down, Euclid.
I want to check the size of these shoes.
Put them on.
Whose was they?
The killer's.
Mr. Van, I don't want to be in his shoes.
All right, put these on.
Whose is them?
The man who was murdered.
Give me them white ones.
All right.
If it fits, boss, it ain't necessarily so.
If it fits, it means the man was your size
and weight.
But not my color.
Who is it?
Good evening.
Eli, it's you.
Moronica Lake.
They said you wouldn't come back,
Skipper.
But I'd have waited for you a hundred
y'ars.
I'm your little Meg, all grow'd up.
Twenty y'ars old today.
You've made a mistake, lady.
You ain't forgettin' me already, Eli?
She must be a professional blind date.
Do you like my dress?
Ma made it for our wedding.
Every stitch of it.
A sweet little Alice Blue Goon.
Mr. Van, don't you think it's time to go?
Quiet, Euclid.
I think we got something here.
Tell us, little Bo Creep.
How long since you been ashore?
Not since you sailed away in 1861.
1861?
Time flies, doesn't it?
Tell me, was Lincoln elected?
He sure was.
And there ain't gonna be no more slavin'.
No more slavin'?
That's a scoop.
Oh Eli, since you went a-slavin', the years
have drug by like a ship in the calm.
But now that we're gettin' married,
it was worth it.
Every minute of it.
She's nuttier than a fruitcake.
I'll bake you one.
The finest fruitcake you ever had.
It might be Long Jack.
Did you say Long Jack?
Get this character.
He lives alone and looks it.
Why are you drifting around here for?
You stupid little pelican!
Me and Eli's gettin' married,
and you try stoppin' us this time,
Long Jack, and so help me, I'll have you
hung for what ya done.
Hold yer blabber, or I'll throttle you.
Wait a minute.
That's no way to treat a nice old lady.
Get along to the galley before I hang ye to
the yard arm.
You ain't in command of this floatin'
coffin tonight, Long Jack.
Eli won the bees back, and he'll be on
the bridge.
Shut up!
You cacklin' old sea-hag.
If you were a little bigger Euclid,
I'd punch that guy right in the nose.
Haven't I seen your picture on a bottle of
iodine?
What?
I mean, was that the little woman?
No. That's my little sister.
A harmless old witch, but she runs clean
off her course every once in a while.
Let's see, uh, do you live here?
I'm the owner of this ship, and I'll slit
the gizzard of any lubber what questions it.
Who's questioning?
Did you?
Don't look at me.
Just so's you know who's in command.
All right.
Uh, look, pal, uh, did you know Captain
Weatherby?
I was his first mate when they struck him
down.
That's when I took command.
Let's see, what about your kid sister?
What's buzzin' with her?
Oh, Meg here, she and Eli Weatherby was to
be married, and when they butchered Eli,
something cracked in her crow's nest.
She can't get her compass bearings ever
since.
She should take something.
We tried everything.
She just lost her ballast.
Too bad.
Mentally unballast.
Yeah.
I suppose, uh, you were on the ship when
the captain was murdered.
I ain't sayin' I was and I ain't sayin' I
weren't.
Well, that settles that.
Oh.
Do you know anything about this?
Where'd you get it?
It came by tsetse fly.
I'll bet Meg sent it.
Meg?
She's always sending letters.
Playing post office, eh?
Yeah, loves to.
What's that?
They're singing again.
Who?
Slaves.
Slaves?
Yeah, hundreds of them.
You can kill them, but you can't kill
their spirits.
Take it easy, chum, I don't go for ghosts.
They don't bother me none either since I
got used to them.
[Euclid stuttering]
Please, Mr. Bass, let's go.
Where?
Here.
This, uh, this stain, Long Jack,
is it, uh, is it real blood?
Sure is.
Captain Weatherby's. Been trying to get it off for years.
But it's wet.
And it won't never dry till they get
the lubber what done him in.
Uh, have you, uh, have you any idea who
might have killed the old Captain?
What's that you're saying?
I was just asking if...
Thar she blows!
Whales.
Must be Moby Dick!
Moby Dick?
Thought John Barrymore killed him 15 years
ago.
If you ask me, you've just been talking to
the hatching man in person.
Hatching man?
Are you kidding?
He looks like an old pipe cleaner I once
threw away.
Unpack that food, Euclid.
Looks like we're going to be here for some time.
Boss?
What's the matter?
I just seen a ghost of one of them slaves.
Where? Where?
On that ship.
Cut the clowning.
Don't say that.
I seen him, so help me.
Okay, Euclid, I believe you.
Boss?
Will you stop bothering me, please?
He's back again.
He's gone again.
Don't tell me a man of your intelligence
believes in ghosts.
I do now.
Euclid, everybody has someone.
And I have you.
Mr. Van.
What now?
Someone's at the door.
A crawling hot foot.
Something's screwy around here, or
I'm cuckoo.
Ain't nothing wrong with you, boss.
Yeah? I want to make sure.
You stay here.
Alone?
Hello?
Hello.
Who is it?
It's me, Euclid.
Is that you, boss?
No.
[muffled words] You overacted your scene.
I overacted? Well look who's talking.
The gruesome twosome.
Mr. Van. That man's here again.
Okay, Stella, get the flying bats ready.
Oh, now, look, Norbert, I'm tired.
That was a tough initiation we did last
night.
We still got a whole trunk full of magic
to spring on him.
What does Gilpin want for 20 bucks?
The thief of Baghdad?
Now, Stella, remember, we're troupers.
Even here, the show must go on.
Besides, if we do a
good job on Van Buren,
maybe we can get some
radio work out of Gilpin.
I bet you've been seeing things again.
You can lay odds on that one,
Mr. Van.
It may sound funny, but I believe you.
The show's over.
Come on out.
Is we going home now?
No, not until I get the answer.
What we need is some black coffee.
Here, make a big pot of it.
Where?
Down the galley, of course.
Take my flashlight.
Mr. Van, for the first time since I've
been in your service, I've got to refuse.
If it'll help, I'll go with you.
That's a little help, but a very little.
Euclid, I don't know what I'd do without
you, but I'd love to try.
Interesting, isn't it?
As long as you stay with me, it is.
What service?
Little Meg must be fixing the wedding
supper.
Just add some coffee and we're all set.
Don't you think you'd better ask them first?
Don't be silly.
The old hag's probably out on a haunting trip.
Norbert, have I got news.
Say, this is terrific.
What a play.
What a part for me.
The frog man.
Not bad.
But get a load of this.
Van Buren's got a dame up there.
No, really?
Yeah, and she's pretty, too.
Well, now, ain't that just ducky?
We'll give her a case of the jitters,
too.
Do we get paid extra?
We'll throw it in.
Gilpin's a nice guy.
This place is beginning to give me the
jitters.
What you need is a drink.
There's a bottle down in the galley.
That's not a bad idea.
Evening, Miss. Just fixing a
little coffee. I hope you don't mind.
Help yourself, me hearties.
Thank you, ma'am.
That's awful nice of you.
Who are you talking to, Euclid?
Why, little Miss Meg, of course.
I don't see anybody.
Did you say you don't see nobody?
Anybody.
Miss, would you mind making
yourself more... more obvious?
When Long Jack wants his rum, there's no
time to tarry.
I understand perfectedly.
You understand what perfectly?
You mean you still didn't see nobody,
hear nobody?
Maybe I imagined the whole thing.
Mr. Van.
What is it?
Does you see me?
Plain as night.
Good girl, Stella.
Well, we finally drove Mr. Van Buren nuts.
What do you mean?
Strangest thing, he kept looking right at me...
and insisting to his valet that I wasn't there.
Oh, well that's fine.
That's just what Mr. Guppen wants.
Yeah, but it kind of gives me the creeps.
Well, to you, Lady Amoudi.
Stay right where you are.
What is it?
I was just looking around.
I know who you are.
Where's that package from?
The package you got from Gruber.
It was nothing.
Stow the gab, lady.
Hand over that package.
But it's mine.
It was given to me.
You better give it to me, Miss Woods.
Don't move.
What a scene.
Is this the best Gilpin can do?
And that makeup, are you kidding?
The character you're playing is dead.
Cut the gab.
You act like a couple of amateurs.
This ain't an act, Mr. Van Buren.
It's improper to point.
Emily Post wouldn't like it.
Don't ever take a job like this again.
You're terrible.
And don't come back.
I've got a lot of work to do.
I hope you don't mind
my criticizing you, but
with your face, you
should do lighter things.
You know, you'd be great in a musical.
I can just picture your name in lights.
By the way, what is your name?
Betty Woods.
Are you H.H. Van Buren?
That's right.
Your favorite radio boogie man.
Oh, the way you handled that man was
magnificent.
Oh, it was nothing.
I once picketed Jesse James.
Single handed.
You aren't taking this very seriously,
are you?
Now, you read that line very well.
You know, you're the best one so far,
but your supporting cast is really brutal.
I'm not an actress.
Well, you've got
possibilities, but you'll never
get anyplace playing
corny parts like this.
I don't know what you're talking about,
Mr. Van Buren.
I came here because I inherited the ship.
Ah, the plot thickens.
Now, during intermission, would you join
me in a cup of coffee?
I certainly could use some.
Euclid!
Go down to the galley and get some more
dishes.
All by myself?
-Well, here.
Take this if it'll make you feel easier.
Oh, no, sir.
If anything happen, I don't want to be weighted
down with nothing heavy.
All right.
Take the flashlight.
May I take your coat?
Oh, thank you.
Tell me, what's the next scene in Gilpin's
obnoxious opera?
I don't know who you think I am,
but I'm really Captain Weatherby's grand niece.
Tonight I found out he left
everything to me.
Yeah, everything but the headache.
He left that to me.
Naturally, I've been very interested in
your broadcast of the captain's murder.
Thanks.
Please sit down.
You know, it's a strange Will.
He gives me this dog collar,
this old ship, and then it
says he leaves me the whole
world and everything in it.
Big hearted Eli.
It does sound crazy, doesn't it?
-Yes.
There's something more.
It says here I must take a trip.
Where to, Niagara Falls?
No, the same one he took September 3, 1929.
Well, there's his logbook.
Help yourself.
I already did.
That's the craziest part of it all.
The trip was over 10,000 miles long,
and he made it all in one day.
It doesn't make sense.
Makes as much sense as this dog collar.
How does this thing fit into this silly
drama?
It was found on Captain Eli's dog,
Samson.
You've muffed a line, Miss Woods.
It says here the dog's name is Josh,
not Samson.
See?
But the dog's name was Samson.
My father used to tell me about him.
I don't know what the 721 means.
Well, that's in case he bit someone.
They could get his license number.
The dog collar.
Captain Weatherby sure had a strange sense
of humor.
Why, David, what are you doing here?
Aha, the leading man, eh?
Chuck drove me down.
Come on, honey, get your hat and coat.
I'm going to take you home.
Oh, boy, is he hammy.
Oh, David, this is Mr. Van Buren,
the radio commentator.
And Mr. Courtland.
I never liked you on the radio,
and I don't like you now.
Come to think of it, you're kind of
revolting yourself.
Come on, darling.
Now, wait a minute.
She's not leaving here until I'm through
with this investigation.
Mister, you're through right now.
Oh, yeah?
David, you shouldn't have done that.
The man who lifts the veil, eh?
Mr. Van?
Mr. Van.
Mr. Van!
Oh. The hatchet man done got him.
Mr. Van.
Mr. Van, speak to me.
What happened?
What happened?
What are you doing?
I'm checking for the hatchet.
I remember now.
Where'd they go?
This gag has gone too far.
Mr. Van, this ain't no gag.
I seen that man dragging that lady out of
here.
He's the hatchet man.
Why don't you slug him?
Me?
Why, I had my hands full of dishes.
I didn't want to drop them.
Lucky for him.
Hey, who are you?
What do you want?
We're leaving here.
What about it?
Not just a minute.
I'm the owner of this ship.
Since when?
Since tonight.
Oh, Long Jack me quarters.
at your service Ma'am.
Oh, this place is alive with screwballs.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, no, David.
I'm going to find out what this is all
about.
Shall I heave the lubber over a side bum?
You and who else?
Now, there's no use in getting excited,
old boy.
Hey, anybody here?
This place is getting busier than the
Albany night boat.
Did Mr. Gilpin send you?
Mr. Gilpin?
What are you doing here?
My car ran into a ditch in the fog.
We saw this ship and...
We ain't running no hotel.
We should only stay until the fog lifts.
Well, all right.
Thank you, Captain.
Thank you.
Oh, now, look, darling, you don't really
believe that hidden diamond stuff, do you?
I just want to make sure, David.
Now we're getting carriage trade.
Good evening.
I'm Professor Baskin, Waldo Baskin.
And this is Mr. Flack.
Jonathan Flack.
You'll have to pardon us, gentlemen.
We're on our way back to New York.
Well, in this fog, I'm afraid you'll have
to use a divining rod to find your way.
It would be an extremely hazardous drive.
There you see now, David.
We'll just have to stay.
If you'll excuse me for a minute, gentlemen,
I have to see a man about a dog collar.
A young man.
Are you honeymooners?
No, Miss Woods owns this boat.
Oh, then she must be the grand niece of
Captain Weatherby.
Of course.
I remember reading about her when the old
gentleman was killed.
Oh, you've got a pretty keen memory,
mister.
Thank you.
It's come in mighty handy to me.
Well, if this is to be our sanctuary,
we may as well make ourselves comfortable.
Come along, young man.
What's that?
Raisins. Good for you.
Puts iron in your blood.
Who wants iron?
I want blood.
Oh, a guy could starve to death from
a sock on a jaw like that.
Was that a man or a mule that hit me?
I don't know, boss.
I've only seen him from the back.
Then it must have been a horse.
It's chilly in here.
Do you feel the draft?
If I'm shivering, boss, it ain't
because I'm cold.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Oh, pardon me.
I thought it was Joe Muscles.
I'm awfully sorry for what happened,
Mr. Van Buren.
Oh, that's all right.
What's a little case of lockjaw?
Just part of the show.
You don't mind if I fracture a skull for
the second act curtain, do you?
I'll see that David apologizes.
Yeah, you ought to take his lone ranger
button away from him.
I came back to get the dog collar.
Well, I guess your boyfriend's cold
without it.
Why, it's gone.
-That's funny. I just put it there.
Look, the window.
Somebody must have reached in and...
-It must be the man who threatened me.
Now I know that dog collar means
something.
Must mean something.
Say, what am I doing falling for this
phoney baloney of yours?
Miss Woods, will you get out of character,
please?
Whether you believe it or not,
there's something valuable hidden on this
ship, and I'm going to find it before
somebody else does.
Slow curtain.
Never mind.
Let's get back to work.
If it's all the same as you, boss,
I'd rather get back to town.
I can't leave here till I get the killer's
name.
This here eel,
we hooked him in the China Sea.
Weighed over 20 pounds.
Gave us quite a tustle.
A very interesting specimen of Anguilla
chrisypa.
Huh?
If you'll excuse me, Professor,
that isn't Anguilla chrisypa.
It's Anguilla anguilla.
He's right.
Then you amaze me.
Are you by chance an ichthyologist?
No, just a book salesman who reads his own
merchandise.
Bramley treats the subject quite
thoroughly in his Adventures at the Bottom.
I think I have one in my case.
The lubber's a walking encyclopedie.
Look at that binding, gentlemen.
Finest Russian calf.
This volume contains hundreds of
illustrations, all in color.
Well, uh, perhaps later.
How about you, Captain?
I don't like fish.
[bells ringing]
Dang those bells!
They're running fast again.
Well, wouldn't you just like to glance
through it?
Oh, thank you.
Pardon me.
I think the Anguilla crisypa is
illustrated in here.
I just remembered I left my briefcase in the
car.
Will you excuse me?
Hey, just a minute.
Is Mr. H.H. Van Buren here?
I really don't know.
We just came aboard.
Well, make up your mind.
I beg your pardon, sir, but haven't we met
somewhere before?
Have you ever been arrested?
Indeed not.
I'm sorry, mister.
Just force of habit.
I've been a policeman for 15 years.
Well, it's amazing.
You look exactly like someone I once knew.
Well, I'm sorry for him if he looks like
me.
Who are you?
Say, who are you grabbing?
Nothing to get excited about, old boy.
Who are you?
You tell him, Professor.
The fish ain't the only queer specimens
aboard this tub.
Eli Weatherby, captain and owner.
Chartered by Manuel de Zeta.
Why should he use two names?
Is he asking me both?
Do you know?
No.
Then I'm not asking you.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I'm a halfwit.
Here's the other half.
Hello, Houdini.
Hope I'm not intruding.
Why should you be an exception?
Where's your crystal ball?
I'm a tea leaves man.
Yeah, very funny.
You know, Inspector, you've got the
makings of a great failure.
Mister, would you like a cup of coffee?
You never saw a cop that wasn't hungry.
What brings you down here, Hawkshaw?
Well, a fellow can never tell.
Even you might stumble onto something.
So just in case, I want to be in on it
before you spill it over the radio.
Oh, thanks.
Anything new?
Not yet.
By the way, what makes you so sure that
Weatherby and DeZetta were one man?
We checked DeZetta's fingerprints and they
were the same as the captain's.
Simple?
Yeah.
I wish you guys would put those things on
record.
Yeah, I'll take it up with Congress.
They're very busy right now.
What are you doing?
Why don't you go play in the subway?
[moaning]
What happened?
Dog collar...Jackson...Volker.
Next week, East Linn.
What do you mean?
Take a barmick.
That's your terrific.
What do you want, you nut?
Oh, just ignore it, Inspector.
It's all part of a rib.
A rib, huh?
This man's been stabbed.
What do you think that is, ketchup?
You can buy that Mercurochrome
at any drug store.
This guy's an actor and he's pretty awful
at that.
Then he's a dead actor.
Holy mackerel.
He is dead.
Can I say one word?
-What is it?
Help!
Yeah, were you waiting for him to tell you
who the killer is?
That name he was trying to tell us before
wasn't it Jackson Volker?
That's right.
Well, that's a picture you were scribbling
on.
Then he really is Mac Wulf.
That's right.
I remember him now.
He was one of Weatherby's crew,
but we thought he was dead.
Well, it was a little late, but he made
it.
Yeah, it looks like
your radio program's
brought the boys back
for a little get-together.
Yeah, and they started off with a nice game
of mumbly-peg.
The dog collar. Maybe he's...
-Yeah, hold on.
Clean as a whistle.
Then all I have to do is
to find the guy with the
collar, and I got the dog
who killed Weatherby.
Now, just a minute.
This is my department.
I'm going out to phone headquarters,
and you keep your hands off, see?
What do you think I'm here for,
a rescuer?
Listen, lame brain.
Cracking this case is more important than
entertaining a lot of radio bugs.
Now, don't you try to leave this boat,
or you'll broadcast from the morgue.
Get me?
Euclid.
Come on, lame brain.
I'll show that lame brain who's a lame
brain.
Wait a minute, boss.
Does I have to come now, Mr. Van?
Yes, unless you want to stay here with
this dead body.
I don't want to stay here with nobody.
Oh, Eli, it's you.
Bring down the curtain, Trilby.
The show's all over.
I've been wise to you all night.
Where's Dracula?
Dracula?
If you mean Norbert.
I mean that phony captain.
I wanted to take me through this ship.
He left with that detective.
Why?
Has anything happened?
Just a murder, that's all.
A murder?
Oh, I told him we should leave when those
strange men came aboard.
What men?
They arrived a little while ago,
two of them.
They're in the saloon.
They look like professional men.
But why did that detective take Norbert?
He didn't do it.
Honestly, I was with him.
Save the hysterics, Bernhardt.
Not a word to anyone and stay right here.
And you, Euclid, we're
going into that saloon
and I want you to act as
if nothing had happened.
I ain't that good an actor.
Neither am I.
Come on.
Good evening.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all.
Were you caught in the fog, too?
Yes, we're all in the same boat,
aren't we?
Very appropriate.
Yes, very appropriate.
Who's the character with the mink bib?
That is Professor Bascomb.
My name is Jonathan Flack.
How do.
What are you doing, Professor,
playing hooky?
Professor Bascomb is a scientist,
not a teacher.
I bet you could make a nasty Mickey Finn.
I'm an oceanographer.
An ocean what?
Oceanography is the science that treats of
oceanic life and phenomena.
To be more explicit, thalassography.
So you won't talk, eh?
Comfortable there, isn't it, huh?
Guess you've been sleeping there
quite a while?
No, only a few minutes.
How long you two gentlemen been here?
Oh, I should say a minute.
Just a minute.
What is this, a cross-examination?
Oh, don't be silly, Professor.
I'm only making conversation.
What's going on around here?
Where's Miss Woods?
Well, look who's here.
Hit-and-run Harry.
And where have you been?
Now listen, there's a man's body out
there.
He's been murdered, and I
want to know... Just a minute.
I know all about it, and what's more,
I'm going to find out who did it.
So that's why you were plying us
with questions.
Right you are, Professor, and I'm going to
ask some more.
So you better have the answers ready.
Now you answer me.
Where's Miss Woods?
She's out looking for diamonds.
And incidentally, what have you been
doing?
The same thing.
Why?
Oh, nothing.
I believe you.
But only temporarily.
Where have you been for the last half
hour, Mr. Bones?
I've been in this room ever since we came
aboard.
Oh, you have, eh?
That's correct.
I've been right here with
him all the time,
except for the few minutes I
was gone for my briefcase.
Oh, so you did leave here.
How long were you gone?
How long does it take to go out to the car
and back?
How long does it take to shove a knife
between a man's ribs?
The professor dissects fish, not people.
Look, Mr. Britannica, whoever
killed that man stole a dog
collar from him, so I'm
going to frisk everybody here.
Oh, you just think you are...
-It's quite unnecessary to search anyone.
Is this what you're looking for?
So you admit you did it?
Don't be ridiculous.
I found it outside on the deck.
When you went for your briefcase,
I suppose?
No, when I was returning with it.
What if these are real jewels?
Solid glass.
Just like his chin.
Listen, if you ever went to a mind reading,
he'd charge you half price.
You mean someone killed a man just for a
dog collar?
It's been done for less, Mr. Flack.
It's funny, this tag says Josh 721.
Could be the guy's batting average.
Did you say Josh 721?
I didn't say DiMaggio 357.
Must have meant Joshua 721.
That would be a biblical concordance.
The book of Joshua, 7th chapter,
21st verse.
It could be.
The captain spent a lot of time reading
the Bible.
I think I have one in my case.
21, here it is.
When I saw among the spoils a goodly
Babylonish garment and 200 shekels of
silver and a wedge of gold of 50 shekels
weight, then I coveted them and took them.
And behold, they are
hid in the earth
in the midst of my tent
and the silver under it.
Hid in the earth in the midst of my
tent?
Well, that would simply mean where you
lived.
That's it.
There is something hidden on this boat.
Hidden in the earth in the midst
of my... It could be anywhere.
I know.
The will that Betty has, the log book.
Euclid, don't let anybody leave till I get
back.
Could I make you gentlemen a cup of
coffee?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann?
Mr. Vann said we ought to stay in his room
till he gets back.
Where'd they go?
The minute you left they ducked down there
like rats in a hole.
The Professor too?
Yes, he left the others at the post.
The professor's Jackson Volker and he's
after Miss Woods.
Come on.
Betty?
Betty?
Who's that? -Me.
Both times? -Yeah.
Double talk.
Betty!
Betty!
What was that?
Sounded like a baseball bat to me.
The Yankees must be training early.
Miss Woods.
Euclid, what's that?
Nothing but your shadow, boss.
=My shadow, huh?
If it is, it ain't doing what I'm doing.
Diamonds. Diamonds.
Millions of them.
Grand Slam in Diamonds.
[woman's scream]
Betty!
Betty!
Not even an echo this time.
Betty!
If she'd only yell again.
[crashing sound]
That was no ----, boss.
-Quiet,
She's down there.
What happened?
I don't know.
I was looking.
When suddenly a man came in and grabbed me
and tied me up.
Who was it?
I don't know.
A slender man with a beard.
He took the will.
Do you remember what was in that will?
Most of it. Why?
Well, it may give us the key to the whole
works.
What do you mean?
I mean, it might add up with that screwy
trip he told about in the log book.
If the log book is still there.
Come on, hurry.
There he is.
All right, Mr. Volker.
What's happened to him?
-The hatchet man must have got him.
Where's the will?
-He got it. Find the log book.
Who got it?
-Hurry.
Here, quick.
Well, it looks like we missed the boat.
They didn't get the log book.
That trip the captain took, do you
remember the date of it?
That's it.
September 3rd, 1929.
How could this tell where the treasure
was?
It says he sailed from New
York to Marseille, then through
the canal to Hong Kong, and
wound up in Portuguese Angola.
All in one day.
It's impossible.
Some kind of a code, all right,
but I don't get it.
If you pardon me, Miss Woods, your old
uncle was shy some of his marbles.
I'd say most of them.
Will you please stop spinning that thing?
I'm dizzy enough already.
Excuse me.
Do that again.
But you just told me to stop.
I changed my mind. Do you mind?
Oh, I don't mind.
Now stop it.
But you said spin it.
-I said stop it.
Hid in the earth in the midst of my tent.
I've got it.
That globe is the earth, and this ship is
his tent.
Mr. Van, you ain't feeling well.
Betty, you stand over there.
Turn the globe, as I tell you.
Start in New York.
All right.
-Now to Marseille.
Now to Hong Kong.
Did you hear that?
-It's a combination.
Easy now. To Portuguese Angola.
It's stuck.
Look.
-The diamonds.
I knew it.
Where's David?
-Never mind, David. He's sold plenty of diamonds tonight.
All right, put 'em down.
And step away from that globe.
Turn in your costume, Hamelet. The show's closed.
There's been a couple of murders here tonight.
One move out of you and it'll be three.
Oh, Norbert, thank goodness you're safe.
Inspector Norris.
So you're allergic to diamonds,
too?
They're mine.
They were stolen from me.
Stolen from you?
That's not true.
He's been after those diamonds ever since
Weatherby got them in Portuguese Angola. He's...
Back up and
stay healthy, stupid.
You're Jackson Voelker, aren't you?
Yes.
-Did you kill Mac Wolf?
And you killed Captain Weatherby,
too, didn't you?
No.
-Then who did?
Did you think you were playing with
children?
You'll get the chair for this. And 30 days
for impersonating an officer, Mr. DeZetta.
Inspector Norris.
Pardon me, but the penalty for
impersonating an officer is six months.
I have a Laswell's Law Manual in my case.
Keep it there.
Somebody clocked me in the head.
Oh, I wonder who it could have been.
Oh, Dave, the diamonds are here.
Look.
Oh. What beautiful specimens.
These are the finest Mexican rock crystals
I've ever seen.
Mexican what?
In Winslow Fitch's "Semi-precious Gems at
a Glance",
He devotes two whole chapters to this.
I think I have one in my case.
You mean they aren't valuable?
Oh, on the contrary.
I'd say this collection would bring as
much as $90, maybe $100.
Incidentally, Jerk Dalton, what flag are
you flying?
I beg your pardon?
What's your racket?
Oh, I represent the Star Publishers
Limited.
I picked up the late professor about two
miles down the road.
He claimed his car ran into a ditch.
So why did you pick on this place?
Well, Professor Bascomb suggested it,
and I haven't sold one book.
That's too bad.
Slug me and steal my wardrobe,
will you?
Come on, Stella, we're leaving. There's
something suspicious going on around here.
Are you kidding?
Mr. Van, when did you first suspect that
policeman was no policeman?
I knew it all the time.
Were you sure?
Was I sure?
Just as sure as this storm was over.
Uh-oh.