White Mischief (1987) Movie Script

l'm not going to Africa without capital.
As your agent, l shouldn't
advise you financially.
Then don't.
Frankly, Sir Delves,
the estates are a reliable source
of income, particularly at this time.
l know Courtney agrees with me.
To sell may not be exactly prudent.
- Who is Courtney?
- Your accountant, sir.
After all, the land has been
in your family for centuries.
What if we lose the war?
Have you though of that?
Lose the war, sir?
Ah, Diana.
Morning, Jock.
- How was the ride?
- Marvellous.
- Morning, sir. Sorry about your lawn.
- The gardeners will deal with it.
Well, here's to love.
Very funny.
- You...don't think he's rather old?
- l like older men.
They have more money.
Oh, no!
My mother married for a title.
Look what happened to her.
l'm not your mother, thank God.
lt closes most of
your options, that's all.
You're a man,
you like wars. l don't.
Kiss me, Hughie.
Now tell me you love me.
l love you. You know l do.
Then wish me luck.
Here's to lions, tigers, and rich men.
- There are no tigers in Africa.
- Aren't there? What are there, then?
Um, ostriches, baboons, hyenas.
Well, here's to all of them.
And to respectability...at last.
Nice shot!
Go on!
Take it! Take it!
Get moving, damn you!
Hook him by, man.
Where's the ball?
- Bad luck, Gilbert.
- Where is it? Can't see a thing!
l think we won.
Good game, what?
What was the score?
Look what that horse did
to my trousers!
Come along, Gilbert.
Forget about your Maasai
and come have some fun, hm?
# A is for Alice who does nothing right
# B for the lover
she yearns for each night
# C is for Colvile
who's gone off his head
# D is for de Trafford
who hates being wed...
ldina, don't be ridiculous.
You were my wife!
- Besides, l want to sleep with Alice.
- l'm sleeping with Alice.
Come on, Raymond, you've been
sleeping with her for weeks.
Who is it going to be?
- # I is Idina, so fragiIe and fraiI...
- Gilbert.
This is frightfully unsettling.
Doesn't anyone want to fuck me?
Go on, Gilbert. She's a nice woman.
- No.
l expect it will have to be me, as usual.
Oh, come on, Joss.
Blow again.
- Are you happy?
- Of course, darling.
Jock, what are you up to?
Still selling off your estate
to pay for your racehorses?
l decided
l'm not much use in England.
l can serve the war effort
better here with my farms.
Producing food for the troops.
This is our most vital role in Kenya.
Champagne all right?
Let me introduce you.
- Gwladys Delamere.
- How do you do?
- June Carberry. My wife.
- Hello!
She's absolutely ravishing!
Gerald. l must fly.
l have a council meeting.
We must dine together
when you're settled.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Come sit by me.
l've heard so much about you.
- What sort of council?
- She's mayor of Nairobi.
Good Lord!
- Sir Delves, your mail.
- Oh, thank you.
Do tell me everything.
London seems very far away.
May l say what a pleasure it is
to have yourself
and Lady Broughton as our guests.
l trust you had a pleasant journey?
- Something wrong?
- No, no.
Excuse me. l have to send a telegram.
How is morale? Is it hideously low?
No. People seem frightfully optimistic.
Everyone is joining up.
Nice camera.
ls it one of those
new-fangled German ones?
l want to take photographs
of the big game on safari.
Talking of ''big game'',
there's one
of the biggest in the colony.
lsn't he splendid?
- Who is he?
- Joss Erroll. Lord Erroll.
Fourth in line to the Scottish throne.
- No money at all.
- Oh?
Confidentially, he's a frightful cad.
Divorced who knows how many times.
Rogered every girl in the colony.
- Practically.
My God! Alice de Janz.
What's she doing here?
When did they let her
back in the country?
She's one of the original
''Happy Valley'' crowd.
They supposedly
get up to all sorts of things
especially during the rainy season.
Joss is one of them, actually.
Why wasn't she
Iet in the country?
- She shot her husband, Raymond.
- In Kenya?
No...in the balls!
Um, l don't want any champagne.
- Jock, good Lord!
- Do excuse me. Come meet my wife.
Catch up with you later.
Diana, meet the most amusing man
in Africa, Joss Erroll.
How do you do?
Welcome to paradise.
May l take your photograph?
Of course. But why?
Jock insists l photograph
anything that takes my fancy.
- Is ours down there somewhere?
- l think so.
Can't tell where exactly.
That's Jack Soames' land.
He owns the next two valleys as well.
You must be awfully happy here.
l told Jock if Nairobi gets tiresome,
it might be fun to live on the farm.
What is it?
Oh, uh, coffee, l think.
Or is it cattle?
Not a hope.
- The ground is poisoned.
- Is it?
Soames has poured
his money into this place for years.
He might as well
pour it down the drain.
Do you sleep with your husband?
l'd like to have a go. Nina?
No. But don't let me stop you.
He can shoot the pips
from a grape at yards. Ah!
- May l have a go?
- All right.
Now take care.
l'll go for the pawpaw.
Now, raise the arm. Lower it slowly.
When you reach the target,
squeeze the trigger.
- l think she should have the.32.
- Thank you.
The.45 may be too heavy.
Well done!
- Nice little gun.
- Keep it.
Thank you.
Good night.
- Good night, Jock. Breakfast at eight.
- Right.
l love children.
He's been asking about you all week.
- l've met men like Erroll before.
- l wish l could say l had.
- Did you enjoy Nina?
- Different.
Frightfully artistic...
if you like that kind of thing.
What's the most you've ever spent?
ln a good year, 1926, l think
it was, l spent a 120,OOO.
The first 80 was quite easy.
Unless you gamble,
the rest is sheer extravagance.
- Pleasant evening?
- Very.
- Any tips for tomorrow?
- Ask Erroll.
The problem with Kenya
is there are no decent breeders.
We should ship a few out from England.
War Office won't wear it.
- My God, there's Carberry!
He saw me in a show.
- l think he married me for my legs.
- What did you marry him for?
- His title.
Considering it's Sabilla's first term,
l think she did awfully well.
Mrs Whitley said she'll probably
go to pointe work next term, which...
l feel special ce soir.
Some steak tartare
with your blancmange?
May l have the next dance?
- l take silence as consent.
- Very convenient for you.
- Do you mind, Jock?
- No, you two carry on. l'm leaving.
- Are you sure?
- l have to be up at dawn tomorrow.
l leave her in your capable hands.
And what have we here?
Fresh meat.
Are you going to tell
your husband or shall l?
You wouldn't happen to have
a chocolate covered lobster?
l'm sorry.
- What's the matter?
- l'm hot.
l think l ought to go home.
l want to make love to you.
You can't say that!
You can't iust come out and say that!
How dare you?
Take me home!
Come and sit on the bed.
l'm very proud of you, you know.
- Everybody was frightfully impressed.
- Were they?
Did you have an enjoyable time?
l'm very sleepy, Jock.
Would you?
You don't mind, do you mind?
No, of course not.
Turn around darling, let me look at you.
You're exquisite.
Ah! There's Gilbert Colvile.
Looking for Joss, l daresay.
He is peculiar-looking.
He went native.
Lives with the Maasai.
Joss is his only friend.
He must have been his fag at school.
- He's an interesting man.
- He's a bloody lunatic!
He's the richest man in Kenya.
Nobody can get more
than two words out of him.
- l'm sure l could.
- If you do, l'll buy you a new fur.
Parsimony or April Rain?
l don't trust fillies at this time
of year. They're unpredictable.
Here's a tip for you. Excuse me.
A thousand pounds on April Rain.
Jock, isn't that rather excessive?
You like fishing?
When l see his nails, l'm glad l don't
have to look at his feet.
Gilbert, let me introduce you.
- You know Jock. Diana, his wife.
- How do you do?
- Erroll?
- Erroll's not here.
Possibly on the course.
Gilbert, Jock's made a bet with Diana.
lf you say more than two words
he'll buy her a fur coat.
Five to one here.
fIag is up.
They're under starter's orders.
And...they're off...
..closely followed by April Rain.
ApriI Rain drawing IeveI...
April Rain's taking the front already.
..ApriI Rain haIf a Iength,
with Parsimony just behind him...
...ApriI Rain and Parsimony
fighting it out together.
Parsimony taking the Iead.
Parsimony drawing near...
- The Devil!
- Bad luck, Jock.
Would you like to spend
the weekend with me in Malindi?
Who's for a swim?
Why don't you two go off on your own.
l couldn't move a limb.
Do you possess a swim costume?
What is it tonight, Abdullah?
Brown Windsor soup,
roast beef and Yorkshire pudding
plum duff and custard.
l think l'll skip the soup.
- l'm going to marry you.
- l'm already married.
The more l see of men,
the more l like dogs.
- Why, what happened?
- Nothing.
- You two seemed to get along.
- Not really.
He's losing his touch.
Diana, do tell.
ls he absolutely to die for?
At least that's what they say.
ls he really a hopeless philanderer?
Gwladys says he can't get on
with women, so he gets off with them.
You know Nancy Wirewater?
He rogered her
on the billiard table at The Norfolk.
Still, rather a weekend of ecstasy
than a lifetime of drudgery.
Don't you agree?
Jock, l'm going up to my room.
- l've had a long day.
- Diana.
- l've missed you this weekend.
- Have you?
Look on the verandah.
l've got something for you.
- What is it?
- l'm not quite sure.
Jock, it's adorable.
By the way, Erroll telephoned.
He's invited us out to dinner tomorrow
night at the Djinn Palace.
- Dance with me.
- No.
You do realise
what's going on, don't you?
What are you going to do about it?
He'll soon tire of her.
- How do you know?
- Because he's in love with me.
l'm in love with you.
Are you really?
And you're in love with me, too,
aren't you?
l don't know.
You've made your conquest, Joss.
Now l'm going back to my husband.
And his money.
This is the reason we're here.
Magnificent cattle country.
What do you think, McPherson?
lf the rains don't come,
we'll be in trouble.
They'll come.
- Are you all right, my dear?
- Yes, l'm fine.
- You're rather quiet.
- l'm fine.
- Not bored?
- No.
With prices as they are,
these cattle could be very valuable.
What else?
We could open up the South valley.
Grow some wheat.
What do you say, McPherson?
-Well, l don't...
- Don't be so gloomy!
l can do more here
for the war effort than in England.
A thousand acres
of wheat per annum, a thousand pigs,
2,OOO quid's worth of milk every month,
a ton of vegetables every bloody week!
l tell boys to start dishing now, bwana?
- Her Ladyship must've been delayed.
- Yes.
Let's hang on another five minutes.
We're so alike, you and l.
You know, there used to be a saying
in Happy Valley.
''What happens to a
girl when she loses her looks?''
- Answer, ''Nothing.''
- Oh, Joss.
What happens when you've
bought and sold yourself so many times
there's nothing left?
We thought we had everything.
And we have nothing.
And if you asked, l don't believe
any of us could tell you why.
l told you this was paradise.
Well, it isn't.
Sometimes l think only Gilbert Colvile
has found a way to live with it.
- Why me?
- l want you for my sake, Diana.
l'm being entirely selfish.
l want you more
than l've ever wanted anyone
in my rather shoddy life.
l want you to save me from myself.
l love you.
- You came home late last night.
- Did l?
Sorry. June insisted
we have another drink at the club.
Ah... Erroll there?
Yes. As a matter of fact,
he did drop by.
My God, l'm late. l promised June
l'd meet her at half past.
Look, l really must dash.
She'll be waiting for me.
l'll be back for dinner.
By the way,
l've booked us a passage to Ceylon.
- What?
- l need to look at some property there.
- We leave at the end of the month.
- The house is half-furnished.
We can't go away now.
Let's talk about it later, shall we?
l simply must dash.
l'll be late for June.
Please, sit down.
Go and have a coffee.
l've come to ask you a favour, Joss.
- If l can do it, l will.
- You can.
lt's about Diana.
l'm not an unreasonable man.
l have never restricted
Diana's pleasures, nor do l want to.
She's a young woman
and she needs to be kept amused.
you've not been very discreet.
Damn it, Joss, the whole bloody colony
is talking about your affair with my wife.
l see.
We've known each other a long time,
and l think we respect each other.
l've always liked you enormously.
You remind me
of myself when l was your age.
As a friend, Joss,
l'm asking you to call a halt.
ln the long run,
it will be best for Diana, too.
- Have you spoken to her?
- No.
l'm hoping l shan't have to.
l'm hoping l can rely
on you to resolve the situation.
- Abdullah?
- Bwana.
l've changed my mind...
We won't be dining after all.
Tell Dwali to bring the car around.
Yes, bwana.
- Can l help you, sir?
- Yes.
Has my wife,
Lady Broughton arrived yet?
- l'll check.
- They're on the floor, Jock.
- Diana.
- Jock, what are you doing here?
- You said you'd be back for dinner.
- No, l said l was going out.
- You said you'd be back.
- Please, Jock. Don't make a scene.
- l'm going home. Are you coming?
- No, it's too early.
When will you be finished?
- l'll send Dwali to pick you up.
- No, l'll stay at the club tonight.
The club. Why?
l don't know how late l'll be.
- Is Erroll here?
- Yes, l think so.
- Joss.
- Hello, Jock, how are you?
Would you bring
Diana home tonight?
Yes, if she wants me to.
- As a friend, bring her home.
- Have you asked her?
l'm asking you.
l'm sorry, Jock, l can't do that.
Why not?
Because she's spending
the night with me.
l don't think he'll give you any trouble.
The only thing
that interests Joss Erroll is cash.
He married
his first two wives for their cash.
- Has Diana any cash?
- No.
You're all right, then.
- There's the pact.
- The what?
When we married,
l made a promise that...
if she fell in love with another,
l wouldn't stop her.
What on earth for?
She said she'd do the same for me.
You didn't promise
her any money, did you?
- 5,OOO a year for the next seven years.
- Good Lord!
l think you've been a bit of a chump.
How much money have you got?
l don't see that
that's any business of yours.
Well, l do. Diana is still my wife.
lf you're going to keep her,
you'd better be able to afford it.
l expect you know
about our arrangement?
She did mention it, yes.
She won't ask me to honour it.
That's one of the best things about
Diana. She's straight about money.
Diana and l have been
most frightfully happy together.
Proceed with sale
of Cheevers estate.
Thank you.
l hate the thought
of you belonging to Jock.
l'd like to marry you very much...
..but we haven't any money.
Well, there's my army salary.
- Yes...
- And you have your money from Jock.
- l couldn't possible take it.
- No.
No, of course not.
Where's the toast?
- Abdullah.
- Bwana.
On the drawing room mantelpiece,
you'll find a small revolver.
Put it in the armoury,
and bring me back the key.
- Morning.
- Morning, Jock.
Porridge, msabu?
- How are you this morning, June?
- Bloody awful.
- Bwana.
- What is it?
Gun not there, bwana.
Colt.32, two-inch barrel.
Yes, inspector. Thank you.
- What's going on?
- We had a thief last night.
- Will you still go to Ceylon?
- Yes.
Naturally, l will honour
our arrangement.
Don't want to be a bad loser.
Much too boring.
Why don't we all have dinner
at the club tonight?
Are you sure?
She told him
about this London bakery
that delivers bread
ready sliced and George said...
''l hope this new labour-saving
device will soon spread to golf balls!''
A toast...
To love! To the happy couple!
May the noble house
of Erroll be blessed with an heir!
Well, thank you for a marvellous dinner.
- You're not going?
- Thank you, Jock.
- Night, Juney.
- You've been wonderful.
Joss, Joss, just do me a favour, Joss.
Bring her back before dawn, Joss.
Yes, all right, Jock.
His sporting days are over.
His little light is out.
What used to be his sex appeal
is now his water spout!
Oh, do shut up!
- Shh.
- Shh.
- But you're broke!
- l have prospects.
- What prospects?
- Here, in the army.
A career?
All right. This is the land of opportunity.
l may try pioneering.
Joss, one more dance
then you can take me home.
l'd rather be a shit in London
than a pioneer in Africa.
Alice, we're going on safari.
How enchanting!
- Tanganyika.
- l should like to come.
- It would be fun, wouldn't it?
- Never mind.
Joss, you don't
have to worry about money.
- What makes you so sure about that?
- 'Cause l've got some.
- l don't want it.
- What do you mean?
l don't want anything of Jock's...
..other than what l have already got.
- It's all right.
- Sorry!
l'll take him upstairs.
- What day is it tomorrow?
- l'll tell you in the morning, Jock.
What's the problem?
Has there been an accident?
For God's sake!
Hello. Is that you, Gwlady?
What do you mean?
What is it? What's happened?
There's a lot
of rubbish in the kitchen yard.
See that it is burnt immediately.
Oh, Joss.
For heaven's sake, Alice.
No, msabu, please.
Now you are mine forever, Joss.
Not possible, msabu.
Sir Delves?
l'm afraid, there are one or two
questions l must put to you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What are people saying?
As far as l know,
they're right behind you.
How do you feel now?
- No more doubts?
- No.
Because l'd rather they hang me now
if you still had doubts.
l was fond of him, too, you know.
Yes, l know.
- Where are we going?
- Oh, anywhere.
This is the remnant
of the checked stocking
which you say you
retrieved from the bonfire?
Yes, it is.
Was there
anything peculiar about it?
Yes, l noticed some stains
which l took to be blood.
Recording evidence, Lord.
How long did it take you to walk
from the murder spot to the house?
- Twenty-five minutes.
- Was that at a normal pace?
- Yes.
- Thank you, superintendent.
Your witness, Mr Morris.
Chief Superintendent Poppy,
you're a man of 43.
- 45.
- Sound in wind and limb?
ls there anything
in this crime to preclude
the possibility of it being the work
of a woman?
Amongst the letters
you found in Lord Erroll's house
were some from a certain lady
notorious for having revenged herself
for the disloyalty of a lover
by shooting him with a revolver?
- Yes.
- Have you discounted
the possibility of her being a suspect?
- l have.
- On what grounds?
She was in bed
with a gentleman at the time.
- We weren't doing anything...
-..that l can remember.
At this party to which you refer,
what did you say to the accused?
l attempted to console him.
l don't remember my exact words.
How would you describe his attitude?
Morose. Bitter.
- Resentful.
- Enough to murder his wife's lover?
- Obiection.
- In my opinion, yes.
No more questions.
This moroseness that you describe,
could it not be attributable to the fact
that the accused
was obliged to wear women's clothes?
- l do not think so.
- You find that normal?
lt was simply a party.
Were you in love with Lord Erroll?
l was fond of him, yes.
We had been friends for many years.
l say that you were extremely
fond of the deceased.
That like many women in this court
you had been his mistress.
- Obiection.
- Sustained.
And you are so upset over his death,
that you have become irrational.
Strike that from the record.
Thank you.
Your defence man is good.
Damn well should be,
the amount l'm paying him.
You can afford it, Jock.
He's a bit rough.
- Hope that won't be a disadvantage.
- No, don't worry.
No jury in Africa is going
to convict an English gentleman.
After all, there is a war on.
Rains are late.
What are they saying at the club?
This doesn't help.
lt's Diana l feel sorry for.
This trial is harder
for her than it is for me.
After it's over,
l'd like to get her something special.
What do you think she'd like?
Do have anything to say
to this scandal?
You killed him,
you vicious tart!
- Lady Broughton, are you all right?
- l don't even know her!
- Please let us through.
This is a picture
of a cartridge case from Soames' farm,
where the shooting practice
took place?
What brought your attention to it?
You'll see here, here and here,
these are powder markings.
The powder is black.
lt is of an extremely rare type,
it's not been used since the Great War.
Thank you. l would like
the jury to re-examine Exhibit 29.
His Lordship's ear
is peppered with black powder.
May l see it?
This is too much.
No further questions.
Mr Fox, remind me.
Was the revolver stolen from the house
of the accused ever recovered?
- So you've never examined it?
- No.
Thank you.
How will the trial affect world opinion?
l would think the world
was far too busy to pay any attention.
lsn't there a war on?
Are you the lady
the defence counsel referred to?
Which one?
- The one who shot her husband.
- Which husband?
lsn't it scandalous, that while in
England people are suffering rationing...
l have just the thing for you.
The way some people
behave here in Kenya...
This is a treacherous climate.
We all must take care of our skin.
Countess, were you
in love with Lord Erroll?
Of course! Everyone was.
- Is that true?
- It's true.
l'm rarely in love,
but when l am, l know it,
because this violent
heat shoots through my nipples.
- Were you very upset by his death?
- No.
Joss is very lucky.
He'll always be who he is.
He'll never grow old.
l was an officer
in the Irish Guards for 17 years.
l have been a magistrate for 22 years.
l was the chairman of the bench
for county of Chester.
You have inherited
considerable wealth?
- Yes.
- One of your hobbies is horse racing?
Yes. l've owned race horses
for over 25 years.
- Winning and losing without regret?
- Certainly.
Before you married Lady Broughton,
was any pact made
between you governing your future?
We agreed that if either of us
fell in love with anybody else,
we would release each other.
So you were fully prepared
for the events which followed,
even though you did not welcome them?
lt was a risk worth taking.
When did you first learn
of the affair with your wife?
When Lady Delamere told me.
Did you feel
any bitterness or resentment?
No. Only sadness.
My only choice was
to resign myself to the situation.
What did you decide to do?
l decided to go to Ceylon on my own
and return after three months
to see if my wife had changed her mind.
- Was that likely?
Girls do.
Did you know of Lord Erroll's
reputation as a ladies' man?
l would prefer not to answer
that unless much pressed.
Let us come
to the evening of January 23rd.
You dined with your wife,
Lady Carberry and the deceased
at the Muthaiga Club.
- What was the atmosphere?
- Very jolly as l recall.
Lady Carberry has stated
that you drank heavily that night.
l may have had a little too much.
She says she accompanied
you home and helped you upstairs.
l can't remember. She may have.
Do you swear under oath
that you did not leave the house?
l could not have left
without someone hearing me.
The house was full of servants.
ls it true that while
Ieaving with your regiment for France
in 1916 you were laid low
by a severe case of sunstroke?
And the British Army medical
board found that as a result
of that you suffered a weakness
in your right leg and hand
and night blindness?
Chief Superintendent Poppy,
a man sound in wind and limb,
walked from the scene of the crime
to your house in 25 minutes.
Would you be physically
capable of doing that?
No, l would not.
Chief Superintendent Poppy
mentioned the burning of some
rubbish on the day after the murder.
We saw the remains
of a checked stocking he found there.
You did not recognise the stocking?
l've never owned
a pair of checked stockings in my life.
May l ask why you decided
to light a bonfire on this day?
lt needed to be done.
l was distressed by Lord Erroll's death.
l thought it might cheer me up.
l've always loved a bonfire.
Do you consider yourself
a sportsman and a gentleman?
ln short, a man of your word?
- l do.
- Thank you.
- You may sit if you wish.
- Thank you.
Sir Delves?
ls it a coincidence
that Lord Erroll was shot with a revolver
like the one stolen from you?
- l've not thought about it.
- You've not thought about it.
You thought it flattering for a man
to fall in love with your wife?
l think it is.
One always likes to see
one's possessions admired.
The same as if
you have a beautiful picture?
But it's a very different thing
when your friend,
instead of admiring your picture
proceeds to remove it
from the wall and take it away with him.
What was your reaction
to Lord Erroll's death?
l was dumbfounded.
But wasn't it a satisfactory
solution to your troubles?
- Not at all.
- What do you mean?
No man would relish
resuming life with a woman
who was madly in love
with another man,
even if that man were dead.
- The car isn't here. l'm sorry.
Are you still in love
with Lord Erroll?
- l love my husband.
- One more question.
- Lady Broughton, what would you say...
- Lady Broughton...
My car hasn't arrived.
Lady Broughton,
may l ask you one question?
Are you still
in love with Lord Erroll?
l'm extremely grateful.
Do you find the accused,
Sir Henry Jock Delves Broughton
guilty or not guilty of the murder of
Captain, the Right Honourable
Josslyn Victor Hay,
22nd Earl of Erroll
and Baron Kilmarnok?
- Not guilty, my Lord.
- Is that the verdict of you all?
- It is, my Lord.
The accused is acquitted
and discharged.
Bad luck, Walter!
Didn't get me that time!
Our whole way of life
here is over.
That man has done for all of us.
- That's not funny.
- What's not funny?
- Lizzie says everyone thinks l did it.
- Idina.
- Gwlady.
- It's so close.
- Yes.
Diana, l think Jock has
a little something for you.
- It's not the right moment.
- Go on.
What is it?
Come on, man.
- What is it?
- The deeds to the Djinn Palace.
- l thought we could live there.
- Erroll's house? Isn't that morbid?
He's got the bitch back.
He might as well have the kennel.
Jock...would you forgive me
for a moment? Excuse me.
l've always thought Jock
an appalling man.
You don't marry
girls like Diana.
Keep them, yes.
lt's raining!
lt's raining!
# l is Idina so fragile, so frail
# J is for Joss, the sting in her tail
# K is the Kenya, kisses and all
# L is for love into which we all fall
# M is for money
we always need more of
# N is for Nina, no one's quite sure of
# O is the outrage with nothing to gain
Oh, God.
Not another fucking beautiful day!
Why not?
Diana, are you awake?
What is it?
l was asleep.
l'm sorry.
l was wondering...forgive me.
May l?
l have a few problems.
Nothing terrible.
Just money worries.
You really loved Joss, didn't you?
l think you loved him as much as l did.
Will you come to my farm?
They wouldn't take money if l offered it.
Just want to be with the cattle.
They don't eat meat.
Blood and milk.
Very good for you.
They are the guardians, you see.
They say the cattle belong to God.
Belong to me actually.
lt doesn't mean a thing to them.
Best people in the world.
lt wasn't Alice.
She had every motive.
Her only alibi is Lizzie.
She's dead.
She shot herself.
Don't know what to do.
Suppose l should offer you a drink.
- It's Joss's dog.
Alice was looking after it.
Not a bad dog.
- Come on, biccy!
l have to go up to the farm today.
Why don't you come with me?
It'll do you good.
l'll stay here, if you don't mind.
Darling, l think we should put
this Erroll business behind us.
lt might be fun to have a dinner party.
Sort of a housewarming.
- What do you think?
- Oh, Jock.
You know nobody will come near us.
Car ready, bwana.
Done for the lot of them.
Couldn't you have
done something?
- There's nothing...
- It's not bloody good enough!
Why do you think l pay you?
- This is Africa, sir.
- Damn you!
Bloody country! Bloody disgrace!
There you are.
Bring me a heart starter, will you?
Yes, bwana.
- Abdullah?
- Bwana?
Don't understand these bankers.
When the sun's shining
they can't wait to lend you an umbrella.
- When it rains, they want it back.
- Yes, bwana.
- Tea?
- Thank you.
No blood, just a little milk.
- What?
- Sorry, l couldn't resist it.
May l?
- Do you have an ashtray?
- It's beside you, on the table.
ls that you and Joss?
Must have been some time ago.
Who's the other person?
- That's not Jock, is it?
- Yes.
My God.
- Have you seen what he's wearing?
- Pair of checked stockings.
lt'll be all right.
l'll get you away from him.
Marry me.
l'll look after you.
- Marry me.
- Marry you?
What for? Why?
You're very beautiful.
Take me home!
Diana, is that you?
What's the matter?
l've just seen a photograph of you.
Wearing checked stockings.
What of it?
That was years ago.
- No!
- Where are you going?
- Away from here.
Now that l've got no money,
you're leaving me.
l hate your money.
You're my wife
and you'll behave as my wife!
Don't you leave me.
lf you leave me, l'll shoot you.
Would you, Jock?
Car ready, msa...
l am very disappointed with you, Diana.
You've treated me very badly.
Don't kill me, Jock.
Oh, Diana.
You don't have a drink.
Rather a good idea, isn't it?
Typical of Alice.
l'm sorry?
Requesting that a cocktail party
be held at her grave.
# A is for Alice who does nothing right
# B her beloved
she yearns for each night
# C is for Colvile
who's gone off his head
# D for de Trafford who hates being wed
# E is for everyone, hot and in season
# F is for fucking
we like with good reason
# G is for Gwlady looking
round for the fight
# H is for heartaches
to the left and to the right
# l is Idina, so fragile so frail
# J is for Joss, a sting in her tail
# K is for Kenya, kisses and all
# L is for love into which we all for
# M is for money
we always need more of
# N is for Nina
who no-one's quite sure of
# O is the outrage with nothing to gain