Whitmer Thomas: Terminal Crew of Dudes (2026) Movie Script
(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)
MUSICIAN: One, two, three.
One, two, three.
WHITMER THOMAS:
I grew up skateboarding.
-(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yeah, I still skate.
It's weird, though,
'cause I'm in my 30s.
It's weird
'cause I'll just be, like,
at a skate spot
under a bridge for hours,
and I'll just look around
and realize
that I'm just hanging out
with a bunch
of 14-year-old boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just me
and a bunch of young boy--
-Usually shirtless young boys.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Y'all ready?
WHITMER: These skater boys
will always film each other
landing tricks and shit.
Sometimes they'll have me
film them doing trick--
To be honest, my camera roll,
chock full of 14-year-old boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Choppin' broccoli,
choppin' brocc--
I noticed that skater boys
have this thing
that they do
whenever they get hurt,
like, they won't admit to it.
Like, they could have
blood pouring down their face,
and their buddy will come up
to them and be like...
(IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God,
dude, what happened, man?
Are you okay?"
And they'll be like,
"I'm totally fine. I just had
the sudden urge to go inside."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Like, it's okay, pal.
You could admit
you're hurt, man.
Hey, hey. (SCREAMS)
I was lucky as a kid, you know?
I wasn't too good at skating.
And at one point,
we hit hard times.
And then every time
I'd go skate,
my mom would be like...
(IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Please don't get hurt today.
We don't have insurance."
(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(KID SCREAMS)
WHITMER:
(NORMALLY) But I like that,
'cause my buddies
would be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Today, you gotta drop in
from the tallest half-pipe
at the skate park."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And I'd be like,
"I wish I could, man, but sadly,
I don't have insurance."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Pretty cool, pretty cool.
("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
WHITMER: Let's do it.
Oh, tonight
Under these lights I will try
Too old for angst
And this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye
Oh, desperation
For approval masked as
A willingness to entertain
I feel insane
I feel so lame
And when the going gets tough
Well, I lose all integrity
Tonight, under these lights
And I got this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye
Yes, I will try
For you, I will
I will try very hard
I will try very hard
I will try very hard
For you
I will try very hard always
Oh!
Trying will remain criminal
Subliminal thoughts
Creep in my brain
If it's quiet do an impression
Of Sir Michael Caine
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
Some people, Master Wayne
Just wanna watch
The world burn
Just wanna watch
The world burn
(NORMALLY) Oh! My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick
And I feel so diseased
I can't help it
-I wanna scream
-(SCREAMS)
-I wanna scream
-(SCREAMS)
We can't crush the caveat
Can't crush the caveat
When I chew gum
I put the whole bag
In my mouth at once
Or else I can't taste it
When I play with kids
I often commit
Too hard to the bit
And freak them the fuck out
Because I try
I try very hard for you
I try very hard always
Oh! When I was young
I talked like Tom Green
For one entire year
While my parents
Were both in rehab
I guess I do my best
You never really deal
With things that are real
My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick
(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(SCREAMING)
-(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING)
Terminal!
Crew of dudes!
Crew of dudes!
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-(NORMALLY) Give it up
for my band, y'all.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
We all grew up
in Alabama together.
We've known each other
pretty much our whole lives.
That's-- That's my best friend
Jeramy right there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: That's my best friend,
Clay, right there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: And this is
my best friend, Budd,
right here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Actually, Budd did not
grow up in Alabama.
We did not grow up with him.
He's from California.
He's a coastal elitist.
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
I've only known this man
for 18 years.
He's basically
a fucking stranger to me,
and I don't know what he's doing
on stage tonight.
(HESITATES) I consider you
one of my closest friends.
-I-- It hurts--
-WHITMER: Fuck you.
It hurt-- Oh.
-WHITMER: I hate you.
-All right.
And everybody, let him hear it.
My big brother, Johnny.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge.
Look at him.
He's huge. (CHUCKLES)
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Man, I really, really
want to be cool.
Like I do everything
in my power to be cool, man.
I try to buy the right clothes
and listen to the right music.
Ah, it'd be so cool to just be
like the coolest guy ever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
The coolest type of guy
there is is an LOL guy.
I don't know
if y'all know this style of guy.
An LOL guy is a guy
to where you, like,
text him the funniest thing
you've ever seen
in your whole life.
-And then six weeks later...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...he responds, "LOL."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Which is sort of
the same thing as going,
"Mm, I don't care
if you live or die."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's a cool guy.
That's the kind of guy
I want to be, man,
but that ain't me, man.
You text me something
that's actually funny,
I won't say "LOL,"
I'll already be on your doorstep
and you'll just
hear me outside going...
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
'Cause some people
just wanna watch the world burn.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) That's the...
That's the second time
I've done an impression
of Michael Caine tonight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't know.
I don't care if it's hacky.
-It's really funny to do that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Really, I just think
it's funny that,
you know, that's a quote
from The Dark Knight,
and that's one
of the biggest movies ever made,
directed by Christopher Nolan,
who's one of the most
powerful directors there is,
and he didn't have it in him
to say to Michael Caine, um,
"Hey, Michael Caine,
I was wondering
if, uh, maybe,
uh, you could redo that line,
'cause, uh, we wanted to use it
in the trailer,
and nobody knows
what the fuck you're saying."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then all that Michael Caine
could muster was...
-(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE
MUMBLING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, I guess
I'll just live with that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm really good
at impressions. (CHUCKLES)
I can basically do
an impression of anybody.
All I gotta do
is get your first name
and what you do for a living,
and I'll do
a perfect impression of you.
So, I'd like to do that tonight,
if that's okay.
Um, would it be okay if I did
an impression of you? Okay.
All I gotta do is just, uh,
get your first name
and what you do for a living.
I'll do a perfect impression.
Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer.
(IN WHINY VOICE)
"My name's Ian, I'm a writer."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian,
you sound annoying, man.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think it's pretty clear
that I was raised by addicts.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But that's okay, that's okay.
Sadly, my mom
drank herself to death.
But, uh, you know,
I figured I'm gonna name
my first kid in her honor.
Yeah, I'm gonna name
my first kid Al-Anon.
-Can I talk to you over here?
-Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CLAY TATUM:
That wasn't good, right?
-Yeah.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-CLAY: We could do better?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better.
-CLAY: Let's do that.
-All right. Okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, from here on out,
I'm gonna do a better job.
Now, you go one way or the other
when you're raised by an addict.
You either become
a cool, impenetrable mystery,
or you become
a squeaky little dumbass.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
And I'll let y'all decide
which one of those I am.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This is my impression
of a, uh...
of, like,
a serious folk musician
whose harmonica is just
a little too far away from him.
Actually, I don't gotta do it.
-I just explained it
pretty good. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
In my mind
I'm a pretty cool guy
With an ass for a chin
And fuck me eyes
Who'd win a race
If I gave a shit
But I don't feel like it
I'm never lonely
When I'm alone
Livin' in my minimal
Postmodern home
My famous friends
Let me cut in line
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy
All right now!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Watching Buffalo '66
Dressin' like River Phoenix
Kerouac and Wim Wenders
Times Square, David Byrne
And do the dead really die
If they still piss you off?
I wrote the book
On how to get lost
And I ain't afraid
To get a little dark
Like The Panic
In Needle Park
But I'm a bright little star
When I'm in my room
A butterfly baby in a cocoon
And I don't care
But I'll still ask you
I do, I do, I do as they do!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Am I eccentric
Or just a dick?
Ripping cigs and talking shit
Into the wild blue
You gotta be a fool
To fool the fool
Who's thinking
That they are fooling you
In my mind you want me back
'Cause I'm the only one
Who can make you laugh
I'll hate your art
Till you compliment mine
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy
That's right, hey
-Take it, Clay!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Lately I realize
I tell when I'm blue
There's nothin' in the past
I'd want to undo
You didn't break my heart
Baby, I don't miss you
It's true, it's true
It's true
It's true, it's true
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
I've always, like, wanted
to be something, you know?
Like, when I was a little kid,
I was in Christmas choir,
and I would stand
on the edge of the risers,
and we'd get to the end
of the show, and we'd go...
Sleep in heavenly peace
Then I'd hop off the edge
of the risers and go...
-And many more
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES) The teacher
would be like, "What the hell?"
And I'd be like,
"I want to be the star."
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: 'Cause I was so jealous
of kids who did get
to be the star.
Like, I remember the first time
my mom, she, like,
showed me a music video
of the band Hanson.
And I remember
just sitting there going,
"I want
those fucking kids dead, Ma."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I want them fucking dead, Ma.
I want them dead. I want them
to die violently, Ma."
But the truth is,
I was just jealous of them.
Because they're really
cool-looking kids,
and they can all sing
like California Raisins. And...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...I wanted to be like that.
You know?
I wanted to be that way.
Johnny has a son named Ronin.
He's a great dad.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: Yeah.
He's got a son who's, uh--
He's a kid, you know?
He's in elementary school.
And he's a cool kid, you know?
But I worry sometimes
that he's like me,
how I was
when I was a kid, you know?
And so every time I go back
to Alabama and I look at him,
I look at him kind of like
how Forrest Gump
looks at his son
at the end of the movie...
when-- you know,
when he's like...
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
"Is he like me?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) And Jenny's like,
"No, he's fucking normal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Weird part of the movie,
weird turn.
I don't think he's gonna be
like me, you know,
'cause he can, like, speak up
in a way that I never could,
'cause I wanted everybody
to like me.
Like, we were at
our grandfather's
98th birthday party,
and a bunch of old fuckers
were singing happy birthday
to him.
And Ronin comes up
to me and Johnny, and he goes...
-"I'm bored."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then he slowly
pointed at everyone.
He goes,
"Everyone here is bored."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And when I was
like five years old,
Johnny had
his birthday party at Benihana.
And he didn't want me to go.
He was in middle school
and he wanted all of his, like,
middle school friends to go.
And it was weird for
a five-year-old to go, you know,
because they probably
wanted to like
-practice cussing or whatever.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can't do that with a five--
And that's true.
Middle school kids,
they gotta practice cussing.
They don't know
how to do it right yet.
It's true, go listen to a bunch
of middle school kids talk.
Their cusses
don't quite add up yet.
They'll be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, if my mom doesn't let me
spend the night tonight,
I'm gonna burp in a cup
and shove it in her pussy."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) I've heard
someone say it. I have.
No, they wanted
to be doing that.
They didn't want me there,
but my dad was like,
"Dude, just let
your little brother go, man."
So, I get to go,
and I'm sitting there
across from my brother
and all of his cool buddies,
and, you know,
they're just kind of
looking at me like...
while the chef is grilling up
a bunch of shit.
And the chef notices
that I'm the odd man out.
And the chef kind of looks at me
and he's like...
Like...
And so the...
Shref grills up a shrimp
and he pops
that sucker into my mouth.
-I catch it with ease like that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my brother and all
of his buddies look at me like,
"That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I'm like, "I'm in.
Chef, keep them coming.
Let's go, man."
Chef just keeps on
grilling up shrimp
and popping those bad boys
into my mouth.
I'm catching them
left and right.
And with every shrimp,
my brother loved me
just a little bit more.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I remember after,
like, the tenth or 11th shrimp,
my dad saying to the chef,
"Hey, man,
cool it with the shrimp, pal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was like, "No, no,
one more, Chef, one more.
One more."
The chef grills up a shrimp,
he pops it into my mouth,
I catch it like that,
start chewing it up,
try to swallow, I can't,
I throw up all over the table,
and it starts cooking
my throw up.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And it smelled bad.
I ruined my big brother's
birthday that night,
'cause I wanted him to love me.
Couldn't tell that chef to stop,
'cause he was doing
a really, really good job.
I still can't tell people
to stop.
Like, every time
I've ever gotten a massage,
-it's too hard and I'm cold.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You ain't gonna hear
nothing out of me.
You know,
after that whole situation,
me and my big brother
became best friends, you know?
And Johnny,
he hit a rough patch, I'd say.
A rough patch.
You know, in, like,
eighth grade, maybe,
where he sort of
stopped communicating
-and just started barking
all the time.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my mom and dad were,
like, concerned, and they, like,
took him to get, like,
tested and shit,
'cause he was barking
probably a year straight.
I'd say six words a day.
Other than that, it was a bark.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, they take him to, like,
a bunch of different people
to get tested for Tourette's
and autism
and all this different shit.
And then eventually
they just take him
to a true blue therapist.
And the therapist is like,
"Johnny, just tell me,
why do you bark?"
And he goes, "'Cause it makes
my little brother
laugh really hard."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: That's what kind of man
this guy is right here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
That's a good friend
right there.
You know who's a fucking
really bad friend?
-Buffalo wings.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Come with me on this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Buffalo wings
is a terrible friend, all right?
Here's how I know.
'Cause pizza,
they're killing it.
It's way back in the '80s
or whenever pizza was invented.
Pizza's killing it, all right?
Pizza's getting eaten
at restaurants.
It's getting delivered.
And pizza's, like, talking
to the other pizzas, going,
"You know what?
We're kind of killing it, guys.
And I'd like to be able to help
someone else out right now
because of all of our success.
We have the time.
We have the money.
Let's help someone."
And then another pizza's like,
"Yeah, yeah,
you know who I really like?
I'm a huge fan
of Buffalo wings."
So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings
onto the menu.
And now every time
you get pizza,
no matter if it's
in a restaurant or delivered,
you always have the option
for Buffalo wings.
And then Buffalo wings
starts popping off,
-building a huge fan base.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're getting so big,
they might have
to go out on their own,
start their own thing, you know?
Buffalo wing goes,
they start their own restaurant.
But who do they have for a side?
They sure as hell
don't have pizza,
-I'll tell you that much.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Pizza is nowhere to be found
at a Buffalo wing restaurant.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Who does Buffalo wings
bring along?
-Fucking French fries.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You son of a bitch.
Not only is Buffalo wings
a bad friend,
Buffalo wings
is also a fucking idiot.
Because guess what,
Buffalo wings?
French fries is not your friend.
French fries is burgers' friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, thanks for walking...
walking with me there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
We were so lucky,
you know, like,
we've known each other
for so long
and we... we really haven't ever
made new friends,
other than this little
strange fucker right there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I... (CHUCKLES) I love you.
-How-- (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CHUCKLES)
WHITMER:
We never made new friends.
We would try, we would
sort of vet new friends.
Maybe some of y'all
have done this.
You ever, like, hang out
with a new friend
who says toot instead of fart?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's like,
"Buddy, you're on strike two
after holding your nose
when you jumped into the pool."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When Jeramy first moved to L.A.,
I let him live in my car.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Well, he lived in my apartment
for a second,
then he got in trouble
with my landlord,
so I had to let him
live in my car.
And it was nice,
he would get off work
and go find wherever my car
was parked and he'd go to sleep.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It was pretty nice.
But one night,
I had a girl over,
and around 5:00 a.m.,
I had to take her home.
And we're driving,
driving, driving.
And then in the rearview mirror,
she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.
And then I had to go,
"It's okay!
He just lives in my car!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, me and Johnny
lived in Birmingham.
And then
when I was ten years old,
we moved down
to Gulf Shores, Alabama,
which is like
a little beach trash town
on the Gulf of Mexico.
Jeramy was actually
the first friend
-I ever met down there.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
WHITMER: And, you know,
I'm walking on the beach,
I'm 11 years old,
and I see Jeramy
digging through an ashtray
to try to find a cigarette
that hadn't been smoked
too much,
so he could get
a couple of drags.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER:
And I go, "What's up, dude?"
And he goes...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"What's up, man?
My name Jeramy,
and that teenage girl
over there is Sally,
and her boyfriend is Nick.
And Sally lets Nick do anal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) And I was like,
"What's Dewanul?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I went home, and I was like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Johnny, what's Dewanul?"
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) Anyway,
I'm just saying all that to say
you grow up fast as hell
whenever you grow up
in a beach trash town.
You grow up real quick, okay?
Mm, all that talk
about cigarette, mm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Jeramy, pop me a cig, man.
Toss me a cig, dawg.
-Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You got a lighter?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Come on, Jer.
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man.
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY)
-Fuck it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Mm. Get real buzzed
off that. I like that.
I like that buzz.
("BOARDSHORTS"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
When I was a teen
I took my girl to the beach
And we kissed under a blanket
As the sun went down
Give me something, brother.
She sucked on my neck
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I touched her breasts
Then her hand crawled up
My Billabong board shorts
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Or maybe they were Volcom
This is the best night
Of my life
I said
As she tickled my inner thigh
I said, "You're wild"
She said
"I haven't even started yet"
She began to graze
My shaft and balls and taint
-And I immediately came
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked her
In her pretty eyes
And profusely apologized
She said, "For what? Why?"
At that moment I realized
That I could see
Both of her hands
I lifted up the blanket
And I ran
The tiniest little sand crab
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
(CHEERS, WHOOPS)
(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LIGHTER CLICKS)
WHITMER: You had a lighter
the whole time?
Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)
That was a girl crab,
by the way.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-How do you know?
-What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
How do you know?
'Cause she was wearing
a string bikini.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm a beta male
through and through, man.
I wish I was an alpha male.
That'd be great,
like a big old guy.
Like a...
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
Driving his truck around
with an energy drink,
just going like, "Hubba-hubba,"
or whatever.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Hubba-hubba."
You know, alpha male stuff.
That'd be so cool.
By the way,
every time I see an alpha male,
like, drinking one of them
big ol' Monster energy drinks,
-I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's sweet.
Beta male, beta male,
I'm a beta male
through and through.
And the most beta move
of all time,
the other night
I had a wet dream
-where I was jacking off.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I wasn't hooking up
with Carmen Electra,
nothing like-- I wasn't even
hooking up with a crab.
I was just jacking off
to completion...
-in my dark little room.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm not a smart guy,
but I have a lot of thoughts.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think I get it from my dad.
Like, my dad
is very emotionally intelligent,
you know?
But, you know, he suffers
a little bit in the brain game.
Like, when I was
a super little kid,
I remember he took me
to see the movie Toy Story,
and I remember
about ten minutes
into the movie,
my dad saying to himself,
he goes...
"Oh, this is a cartoon."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It took him ten minutes.
Ten minutes!
I asked him about it recently,
and he was like...
(ANGRILY) "Of course
I remember that, dude!
I had never seen
anything like that before!
I knew the toys was clearly
a cartoon, but at first,
all you see is the human legs,
and they look real!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY)
One time, my dad, for Christmas,
got me
a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.
And he goes,
"Dude, I just thought, man,
I remember last Christmas
you were talking
about Neil Diamond,
and so I figured I'd get you
the Greatest Hits CD."
And I was like, "I don't know,
maybe I was talking about him
last Christmas
because last Christmas
you got me the Neil Diamond
Greatest Hits CD."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You can't fault him on--
You know, the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree, though,
because a long time ago,
I went to see that movie
Curious Case of Benjamin Button,
but I accidentally walked into
the Harvey Milk movie
starring Sean Penn.
It took me 45 minutes
before I was like,
"I don't think
that old baby's showing up."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Stupid as hell.
It is cool, though,
being from Alabama. Like...
Like, when you think
about superheroes, you know,
like New York has Spider-Man,
Detroit has Robocop,
L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama
has the best superhero of all.
-We've got Forrest Gump.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A lot of people
don't think of him as super,
but he's definitely super.
His powers are...
(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
...he can run really fast...
(NORMALLY)
...and he can affect history
in charming and sometimes
heartwarming ways.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
People don't think about that.
They don't think about that.
When I was a little kid,
I wanted to get bit
by a radioactive hillbilly
so that I'd become
Forrest Gump one day.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
WHITMER: What's up?
You got something for me, Jer?
-Oh, you have a thought too?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, Jeramy writes...
"Not all seafood
comes from the sea."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"They should call seafood
water food."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: That's pretty good.
No, no, no,
I ain't bright, I ain't bright.
The first time-- The first time
I ever got condoms
when I was 15 years old,
-I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you know how depressing it is
the day you graduate high school
-to throw away 47 condoms?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You don't feel good.
We'd get into trouble
a lot as kids,
and I think it's 'cause
we all had slow Wi-Fi.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'd be like, "Ah, shit,
it's gonna take eight hours
for Road Trip to download."
Guess I'll go cut
my neighbor's bike in half.
I'm pretty sure the only reason
our mom tried to order
a year's supply of OxyContin
off of OxyContin.com
is 'cause she was waiting
for "Soak Up the Sun"
by Sheryl Crow to download.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I can't take cops seriously
because I grew up
in a small town
and our town was so small
that specific cops
would pull my mom over
just to ask her out on a date.
And now every time I see
the lights flashing behind me,
I get pulled over
and then he walks up to my car,
I'm like, "Ah, shit, another
gay cop's about to ask me out."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, because our parents were
always kind of fucking around
doing their own thing, we could
just do whatever we want.
Like, we would ride
our bikes around town
doing Stranger Things kids shit.
Actually, I don't know why
I use them as a reference.
That's not true at all.
If the amount of things
that happened to those
Stranger Things kids in one day
happened to me over the course
of my entire life,
-I would fucking kill myself.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, what's that, Mike?
We gotta go save Eleven,
'cause the Upside Down world's
coming back?
No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop
on my bike and help.
I'm gonna go home,
and I'm gonna
fucking kill myself.
'Cause it ain't getting
any easier, Mike.
They're just gonna
keep on coming, Mike."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There should be
one final episode of that show
where all those kids go
to their parents' gun closet...
they grab their fucking gun,
they put it in their mouth,
and they pull
the fucking trigger.
And that final episode
should justifiably
-be called "Normal Things."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
You all support child suicide.
Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot
of serious shit they wanna say,
but they can't say it in a way
to where it's not funny.
Like, no joke,
the pro-life signs
in our hometown
are written in Comic Sans.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They want to make a statement,
but they're just
a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS)
That's all.
We had a lot of tourists
coming to our town.
And one of the main things
they would do
is look for sand crabs
on the beach
at night with flashlights.
It was usually like
a family, you know,
on the shore
looking for sand crabs.
They'd walk up and down.
And Clay came up with this idea
for us to take turns
just like at night,
just sort of like
laying face down in the shore
and just kind of washing up
as they approached.
That way, it was usually,
like, a dad
and a couple kids, you know.
They would be walking up to us,
and then, you know,
they would shine
a flashlight on--
They would shine a flashlight
onto a dead child. (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you could hear
outside the water the dad go...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Kids, go back to the condo."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) They would run off,
and then eventually
the dad would touch you,
and as soon as
the dad touched you, you'd go...
-(SCREAMS) ...and run.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It was awesome.
It was really, really funny.
But now I'm getting older
and I think about it
and I regret it.
I fully, completely regret
doing that,
because those kids
have lived their entire life.
You know,
now they're 30 years old,
and they've lived
their whole lives
telling their friends,
"No, yeah, when we were kids,
we discovered
a dead child in the shore.
We ran back to the condo,
completely traumatized,
and our dad, being a nice dad,
tried to calm us down by saying,
'Don't worry,
it was just a prank.'"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I totally regret it.
It's all right.
I regret a lot of shit.
Every day, I--
I regret doing this right now.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm-- I think it's good
to be consumed with regret
at every waking moment.
It's good.
It shows you got
some self-awareness, all right?
Every time I've ever met
somebody who says, "No regrets,"
-it's the worst person
I've ever met in my life.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
("MOST LIKELY"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
There should be a room
At every party
Where you can just sit
And watch a movie
But I make a fool of myself
The moment I open my mouth
If I could kick my own ass
I'd knock myself out
One, two, three, four.
-(ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL
PLAYS)
-WHITMER: Whoo!
(SONG CONTINUES)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
You know you're in a rut
When you only think
About the past
Romanticize the days
When you were too broke
For a therapist
I wanna be too jaded
To be sentimental
Self-referential
Or existential
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
Imposter syndrome's a bitch
Man, when you move
In a new direction
Everyone can dance
With nobody paying attention
Ain't meant for introspection
Just wanna roll around in dirt
Doc don't make me do no work
Look what you did
You little jerk
Doc don't make me do no work
Look what you did
You little jerk
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
I like doing impressions
I forgot the sound
Of my voice
Every email I've ever sent
Ends with exclamation points
I'm hardcore ashamed
Wide-eyed and adoring
Been a full 15 minutes
Since I said I'm sorry
All right, Johnny!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(PICKS GUITAR)
-Fuck!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
I got an ocean of shame
-The wisdom of a puppy
-(IMITATES BARK)
Dog paddling against the waves
Looking happy go lucky
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Good show, everybody,
I'm Cornholio,
I need toilet paper
for my asshole.
How's everybody
doing out there tonight?
Just need some toilet paper
for my asshole.
'Cause I am Cornholio.
I try to think of what, like,
made me who I am.
I've been trying
to figure that out forever,
and I think
I kind of whittled it down
to one night of my life,
which was when we had just moved
to this new town,
Gulf Shores, right?
I didn't know nobody yet.
My dad had left.
I was really sad.
And my mom had gotten
into some trouble,
and so she had to quit drinking.
And that night,
I was really sad,
and my mom was trying
to put me to bed,
and she would do this thing
whenever I was sad,
where she would trace my back,
and she would say this
little thing where she'd go,
"X marks the spot
with a dot, dot, dot,
and a dash, dash, dash,
and a great big question mark.
Chills go up, chills go down,
chills go all around.
Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR)
And a squeeze."
And right when she said squeeze,
she had a seizure.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And she fell on top of me
and started seizing up.
And then she bit her tongue off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
'Cause she was going
into withdrawals,
and then she fell onto
the ground, kept seizing up.
I thought she was dying.
But after a little while,
she came to,
and she just, like,
looked up at me,
and she was like,
"What happened?"
And I was like,
"Can't I just have one moment?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Well, no, then I called
my grandparents,
and my grandparents came
and got her,
and then they just left me
and Johnny there.
And, yeah, that was it.
I remember just sitting
in my blood bed, uh...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...thinking, well,
this is what Blink-182
was talking about
whenever they sang,
"I guess this is growing up."
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
I kind of knew that whatever
my mom was going through
was way worse than whatever
I was gonna end up
going through.
So, I... I didn't ever wanna be
a problem or an obligation.
If anything, I wanted
to be a distraction for her.
But she was gone for a while,
and me and Johnny just ended up,
you know, living with different
random family members
or sleeping
on these guys' couches.
It was weird.
It was kind of like
living like a storm
was gonna break over you
at any time,
and you just had to be ready
to pick up and move.
And it didn't help
because there's real storms
where we're from.
There's hurricanes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, it's kind of like
a double whammy, you know?
But I'd always find
a silver lining,
like, um... like, uh...
A lot of people don't know this,
but after hurricanes,
something cool happens,
which is that you get
hurricane treasure.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Like this one time, I got
the whole Waffle House sign
-in my front yard.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: I slapped that puppy
on my roof. I was like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Y'all gotta come over.
It's just like going
to a real Waffle House."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(NORMALLY) It was great, man.
We were all going through
some kind of hell as kids,
and we didn't really
have to talk about it.
You know,
these are my best friends.
We just kind of
understood each other.
And why would we talk about it?
Why would we ruin our Saturday
of shooting Roman candles
at a port-a-potty?
-(FIREWORK BANGS)
-KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit!
We could sense it, you know?
Clay could sense something
was going on with me,
and he'd be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, guess what, man?
I figured out
how to steal chicken tenders
out the trash behind a Walmart."
(NORMALLY)
And then we would go do that,
and all of our problems
would be solved.
I'm so lucky
-to have these guys.
-(KID 2 SCREAMS)
-(FARTS)
-(KID 3 LAUGHS)
(RETCHES, CHUCKLES)
There's this interview
with Jake Phelps,
the editor of Thrasher magazine.
He's describing a group
of skaters in San Francisco
bombing a hill into the fog
as "a terminal crew of dudes."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Which I think
is so poetic, you know?
And I look at my friends
up here tonight like that,
my terminal crew of dudes.
-We've grown up together,
which is a trip.
-KID 4: Fuck yeah!
WHITMER: We've gotten
to grow up together.
Especially with Jeramy.
Jeramy's literally addicted
to getting run over by cars.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: But we made it, man.
We're gonna be all right.
My terminal crew.
Except we're not bombing a hill
into the fog or anything.
We're just, like,
skating something low-impact
under a bridge
with a bunch of shirtless boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Up until recently, I kind of let
my parents' decisions
dictate pretty much everything
I've ever done, you know?
I kind of thought
for the longest time
that I was a product of them,
but in reality,
I'm a product of my friends,
and I've felt so taken care of
because of them.
You know, like... I never drank
or anything because I was scared
after seeing
whatever happened to my mom.
But I feel like I really know
who I am now, and...
I... I'm here to say tonight
to all you folks
that, uh, I started drinking.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-It's awesome.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Yeah. It's really cool.
I'm hoping I get addicted
to something this year.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You just wait.
(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES)
Kids, you're still young
On the sand in the sun
Carving a castle
And piling it high
Digging a moat
To keep away the bad guys
One day your grief will be
Like a blanket you carry
A star you are gonna
Wish upon
A feeling you are gonna bury
And the deflector of heaviness
Is your cool little outfit
It's a pair
Of shit-kicking boots
And a leather jacket
Why are you still wearing
Your mom's rhinestone belt?
It's the best day
Of your life
Or the worst
That you ever felt
And in times of uncertainty
There's nothing you're above
You only criticize the work
Of everyone you're jealous of
And you long for the calamity
That you hope to forget
So caught up in a daydream
You'll never see
You're living it
Old Buzz and Junebug
Are you still having fun?
A shell for a window
With a view of the sea
A stage to tap dance
For infinity
Looks like you wasted
All your time
Trying to make
Something profound
And you watched your ball
Ping the goal post
Out of bounds
All them things you won't try
In fear of wanting too much
You blew away
All your eyelashes
Trying to shake
Your shit low
And you mythologize the place
Where you come from
You impersonate the people
That you hope to become
But don't you go acting
Like no one's got your back
Your brother's barking at ya
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS)
Trying to make you laugh
And so the tide will come
There's no golden one
Your castle will crumble
And your shoulders will fry
You see, man
You ain't gotta try so hard
All the time
So dip them toes
Into the shore
Sunscreen stinging your eyes
And wrap your cast
In a garbage bag
Float into the horizon
You will feel
You will feel most lost
On the road you know by heart
But ain't it fun
Ain't it fun
To build sandcastles
Just to tear them
Apart?
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Oh, shit.
I forgot, okay,
this is a weird, uh...
So, when I walked in here,
somebody handed me a letter.
Uh, this is weird,
-but I'm just gonna read it.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Someone handed me this
right when I walked in,
which I thought was strange,
but here we go.
"Dear Whit, I'm also
from down south,
and I just wanted to say
that your comedy has inspired me
to try comedy myself."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I grew up with
an alcoholic mom too."
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER
SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
-Yeah.
"She passed away
five years ago."
Fucking hell.
"Watching your stand-up
has helped me
get through one of the most
difficult times in my life."
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
"I know it's probably lame,
but I wrote a joke
that I wanted you to hear
because you inspire me so much."
Okay.
"Why do girls
always carry around
these big-ass water bottles?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
"The water bottles
are getting bigger, folks,
-and the girls are loving them."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Basically, these bitches
are carrying around a bathtub
-with a straw in it."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"You'd think
these filthy bitches would have
-biceps bigger than The Rock."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Open your own damn pickle jar,
you hog bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Thanks for inspiring me
to do comedy."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Uh, okay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
After my mom got out of rehab,
it was one of the best times
of my whole life.
By then, I had gone to school,
I had met my friends,
and it was my birthday,
and so my mom let me have
my friends over
to watch movies
for my birthday party.
And we're all sitting there
watching movies with my mom,
and then she goes to sleep.
As soon as my mom closes
her bedroom door,
Jeramy goes...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, we should go
to the Spice Channel."
(NORMALLY) For those of y'all
who don't know...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy.
-(CHUCKLES)
For those of y'all
who don't know,
the Spice Channel is like
the porn channel, Channel 59.
You gotta rent it.
And I was like,
"Dude, there's nothing ever
on the Spice Channel.
It just comes in fuzzy."
And he goes...
(YELLING) "Go to
the Spice Channel, please!
Please, God, please!
I need this! I need Spice!"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He needed Spice, I don't know.
-Spice is nice.
-Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES)
So, I agree. Fine.
I go to the Spice Channel.
And on this day,
my 11th birthday,
the Spice Channel
is coming in clear as day.
No joke. And it's just the porn
of a bunch of women going down
on each other in an alleyway.
Pretty cool.
So, me and all my buddies
do the thing that little kids do
when something good happens,
which is this. "Hoh!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Looking good, fellas.
We still got it.
We're all doing that,
and I do the good friend thing,
which is I go
to the hall closet,
and I grab a bunch of blankets,
and I go,
"Here's your blanket
to jack off under,
and you get a blanket
to jack off under.
Here's your blanket."
Johnny wasn't there.
Johnny was probably
driving around in his van
with his girlfriend
listening to Deftones.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Anyway, so all my fellas
are so excited,
they can't wait to jack off.
I distinctly remember hearing
the loudest un-Velcroing
of board shorts
you've ever heard.
-Just... (ROARS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're all raring to go,
and I go, "Hold up, fellas.
Before we all start
jacking off together,
I gotta make sure
my mom's asleep,
'cause I don't want her
walking in here
while we're all jacking off
together on my 11th birthday.
-That might be weird for her."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, I go to my mom's door.
They're all sitting
just like this, all right?
That's them.
And my mom's door's about here.
The TV's here. I go in.
I kind of creak the door open
real quiet, and I peek in there,
and I look around.
And I look to the left,
and I see that just, like,
there's a flickering of the TV,
and I'm like,
"Okay, interesting."
I dip my head
in there a little further,
and I see on my mom's TV
is the porn
of all the women going down
on each other in the alley.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"What the heck?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
And I thought to myself, "Okay,
well, maybe my mom fell asleep,
and then she rolled
onto the remote,
and then she went to there,
and then she accidentally
rolled onto her phone,
and then she slept-talked
her credit card information
into her phone,
and then she rented
the Spice Channel
for the night."
So, I get my head
in there a little further,
and I see that my mom
is wide awake.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my mom
has a blanket of her own.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, uh... I just sort of
very quietly close the door...
and I put my head against it,
and I think...
I had been through
a lot that year.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I seen a lot of stuff
I wasn't supposed to see.
We all kind of
were going through it.
We had to make a big change
in our life
and we were all lonely
and learning how to be
in this new place,
this new life.
I felt bad for my mom.
Walked back to the couch.
I sat with my pals.
And I un-Velcroed
my board shorts.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My pals
are all smiling, excited.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I give them the go-ahead,
start jacking off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's the best night
of Jeramy's life.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you know...
I start jacking off too.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked around the room
at all these smiling faces.
And I'm pretty sure
that night...
all my pals thought that
I was jacking off with them.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was jacking off with my mom.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING)
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
And, you know,
don't worry about me.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm fine.
I just have the sudden urge
to go inside.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES)
Well, how lucky
Can one guy be?
I found some pals
As dumb as me
My tears dissolve
Into the sea
Hit with the choppy waves
Of memories
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, our house got blown
Into the bay
We didn't like it
There anyway
And Johnny got himself a van
And we ran away
To Birmingham
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I don't wanna go
Through them white sand dunes
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
And so, Jer quit school
And left town
Work nights at Waffle House
He put his pay check on red
Had to move back home again
That's the trouble
With winning
You gotta
Have something to lose
And coming up
Don't feel so good
If you ain't
Never been screwed
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I don't even know
How to sing the blues
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
And we're too cynical
To pray
And too wound up to meditate
Just tumbling through
That by and by
Some beach rats
-Flying into the night sky
-(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I could
Never go through
What I've been through
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
Terminal crew of dudes
Terminal crew of dudes
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
(SONG CONCLUDES)
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
MUSICIAN: One, two, three.
One, two, three.
WHITMER THOMAS:
I grew up skateboarding.
-(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yeah, I still skate.
It's weird, though,
'cause I'm in my 30s.
It's weird
'cause I'll just be, like,
at a skate spot
under a bridge for hours,
and I'll just look around
and realize
that I'm just hanging out
with a bunch
of 14-year-old boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just me
and a bunch of young boy--
-Usually shirtless young boys.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Y'all ready?
WHITMER: These skater boys
will always film each other
landing tricks and shit.
Sometimes they'll have me
film them doing trick--
To be honest, my camera roll,
chock full of 14-year-old boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Choppin' broccoli,
choppin' brocc--
I noticed that skater boys
have this thing
that they do
whenever they get hurt,
like, they won't admit to it.
Like, they could have
blood pouring down their face,
and their buddy will come up
to them and be like...
(IMITATES SKATER) "Oh, my God,
dude, what happened, man?
Are you okay?"
And they'll be like,
"I'm totally fine. I just had
the sudden urge to go inside."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Like, it's okay, pal.
You could admit
you're hurt, man.
Hey, hey. (SCREAMS)
I was lucky as a kid, you know?
I wasn't too good at skating.
And at one point,
we hit hard times.
And then every time
I'd go skate,
my mom would be like...
(IN FEMININE SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Please don't get hurt today.
We don't have insurance."
(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(KID SCREAMS)
WHITMER:
(NORMALLY) But I like that,
'cause my buddies
would be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Today, you gotta drop in
from the tallest half-pipe
at the skate park."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And I'd be like,
"I wish I could, man, but sadly,
I don't have insurance."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: (NORMALLY)
Pretty cool, pretty cool.
("COOLER WHEN I'M SICK"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
WHITMER: Let's do it.
Oh, tonight
Under these lights I will try
Too old for angst
And this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye
Oh, desperation
For approval masked as
A willingness to entertain
I feel insane
I feel so lame
And when the going gets tough
Well, I lose all integrity
Tonight, under these lights
And I got this stupid
Little twinkle in my eye
Yes, I will try
For you, I will
I will try very hard
I will try very hard
I will try very hard
For you
I will try very hard always
Oh!
Trying will remain criminal
Subliminal thoughts
Creep in my brain
If it's quiet do an impression
Of Sir Michael Caine
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
Some people, Master Wayne
Just wanna watch
The world burn
Just wanna watch
The world burn
(NORMALLY) Oh! My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick
And I feel so diseased
I can't help it
-I wanna scream
-(SCREAMS)
-I wanna scream
-(SCREAMS)
We can't crush the caveat
Can't crush the caveat
When I chew gum
I put the whole bag
In my mouth at once
Or else I can't taste it
When I play with kids
I often commit
Too hard to the bit
And freak them the fuck out
Because I try
I try very hard for you
I try very hard always
Oh! When I was young
I talked like Tom Green
For one entire year
While my parents
Were both in rehab
I guess I do my best
You never really deal
With things that are real
My ex told me
I'm cooler when I'm sick
(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(SCREAMING)
-(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
WHITMER: (HEAVY METAL SCREAMING)
Terminal!
Crew of dudes!
Crew of dudes!
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-(NORMALLY) Give it up
for my band, y'all.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
We all grew up
in Alabama together.
We've known each other
pretty much our whole lives.
That's-- That's my best friend
Jeramy right there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: That's my best friend,
Clay, right there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: And this is
my best friend, Budd,
right here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Actually, Budd did not
grow up in Alabama.
We did not grow up with him.
He's from California.
He's a coastal elitist.
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
I've only known this man
for 18 years.
He's basically
a fucking stranger to me,
and I don't know what he's doing
on stage tonight.
(HESITATES) I consider you
one of my closest friends.
-I-- It hurts--
-WHITMER: Fuck you.
It hurt-- Oh.
-WHITMER: I hate you.
-All right.
And everybody, let him hear it.
My big brother, Johnny.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
WHITMER: He's huge. He's huge.
Look at him.
He's huge. (CHUCKLES)
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Man, I really, really
want to be cool.
Like I do everything
in my power to be cool, man.
I try to buy the right clothes
and listen to the right music.
Ah, it'd be so cool to just be
like the coolest guy ever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
The coolest type of guy
there is is an LOL guy.
I don't know
if y'all know this style of guy.
An LOL guy is a guy
to where you, like,
text him the funniest thing
you've ever seen
in your whole life.
-And then six weeks later...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...he responds, "LOL."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Which is sort of
the same thing as going,
"Mm, I don't care
if you live or die."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's a cool guy.
That's the kind of guy
I want to be, man,
but that ain't me, man.
You text me something
that's actually funny,
I won't say "LOL,"
I'll already be on your doorstep
and you'll just
hear me outside going...
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE)
'Cause some people
just wanna watch the world burn.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) That's the...
That's the second time
I've done an impression
of Michael Caine tonight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't know.
I don't care if it's hacky.
-It's really funny to do that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Really, I just think
it's funny that,
you know, that's a quote
from The Dark Knight,
and that's one
of the biggest movies ever made,
directed by Christopher Nolan,
who's one of the most
powerful directors there is,
and he didn't have it in him
to say to Michael Caine, um,
"Hey, Michael Caine,
I was wondering
if, uh, maybe,
uh, you could redo that line,
'cause, uh, we wanted to use it
in the trailer,
and nobody knows
what the fuck you're saying."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then all that Michael Caine
could muster was...
-(IMITATES MICHAEL CAINE
MUMBLING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, I guess
I'll just live with that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm really good
at impressions. (CHUCKLES)
I can basically do
an impression of anybody.
All I gotta do
is get your first name
and what you do for a living,
and I'll do
a perfect impression of you.
So, I'd like to do that tonight,
if that's okay.
Um, would it be okay if I did
an impression of you? Okay.
All I gotta do is just, uh,
get your first name
and what you do for a living.
I'll do a perfect impression.
Okay. I'm Ian, and I'm a writer.
(IN WHINY VOICE)
"My name's Ian, I'm a writer."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) Sorry, Ian,
you sound annoying, man.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think it's pretty clear
that I was raised by addicts.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But that's okay, that's okay.
Sadly, my mom
drank herself to death.
But, uh, you know,
I figured I'm gonna name
my first kid in her honor.
Yeah, I'm gonna name
my first kid Al-Anon.
-Can I talk to you over here?
-Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CLAY TATUM:
That wasn't good, right?
-Yeah.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-CLAY: We could do better?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better.
-CLAY: Let's do that.
-All right. Okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, from here on out,
I'm gonna do a better job.
Now, you go one way or the other
when you're raised by an addict.
You either become
a cool, impenetrable mystery,
or you become
a squeaky little dumbass.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
And I'll let y'all decide
which one of those I am.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This is my impression
of a, uh...
of, like,
a serious folk musician
whose harmonica is just
a little too far away from him.
Actually, I don't gotta do it.
-I just explained it
pretty good. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
In my mind
I'm a pretty cool guy
With an ass for a chin
And fuck me eyes
Who'd win a race
If I gave a shit
But I don't feel like it
I'm never lonely
When I'm alone
Livin' in my minimal
Postmodern home
My famous friends
Let me cut in line
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy
All right now!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Watching Buffalo '66
Dressin' like River Phoenix
Kerouac and Wim Wenders
Times Square, David Byrne
And do the dead really die
If they still piss you off?
I wrote the book
On how to get lost
And I ain't afraid
To get a little dark
Like The Panic
In Needle Park
But I'm a bright little star
When I'm in my room
A butterfly baby in a cocoon
And I don't care
But I'll still ask you
I do, I do, I do as they do!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Am I eccentric
Or just a dick?
Ripping cigs and talking shit
Into the wild blue
You gotta be a fool
To fool the fool
Who's thinking
That they are fooling you
In my mind you want me back
'Cause I'm the only one
Who can make you laugh
I'll hate your art
Till you compliment mine
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a pretty cool guy
That's right, hey
-Take it, Clay!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Lately I realize
I tell when I'm blue
There's nothin' in the past
I'd want to undo
You didn't break my heart
Baby, I don't miss you
It's true, it's true
It's true
It's true, it's true
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
I've always, like, wanted
to be something, you know?
Like, when I was a little kid,
I was in Christmas choir,
and I would stand
on the edge of the risers,
and we'd get to the end
of the show, and we'd go...
Sleep in heavenly peace
Then I'd hop off the edge
of the risers and go...
-And many more
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES) The teacher
would be like, "What the hell?"
And I'd be like,
"I want to be the star."
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: 'Cause I was so jealous
of kids who did get
to be the star.
Like, I remember the first time
my mom, she, like,
showed me a music video
of the band Hanson.
And I remember
just sitting there going,
"I want
those fucking kids dead, Ma."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I want them fucking dead, Ma.
I want them dead. I want them
to die violently, Ma."
But the truth is,
I was just jealous of them.
Because they're really
cool-looking kids,
and they can all sing
like California Raisins. And...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...I wanted to be like that.
You know?
I wanted to be that way.
Johnny has a son named Ronin.
He's a great dad.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: Yeah.
He's got a son who's, uh--
He's a kid, you know?
He's in elementary school.
And he's a cool kid, you know?
But I worry sometimes
that he's like me,
how I was
when I was a kid, you know?
And so every time I go back
to Alabama and I look at him,
I look at him kind of like
how Forrest Gump
looks at his son
at the end of the movie...
when-- you know,
when he's like...
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
"Is he like me?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) And Jenny's like,
"No, he's fucking normal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Weird part of the movie,
weird turn.
I don't think he's gonna be
like me, you know,
'cause he can, like, speak up
in a way that I never could,
'cause I wanted everybody
to like me.
Like, we were at
our grandfather's
98th birthday party,
and a bunch of old fuckers
were singing happy birthday
to him.
And Ronin comes up
to me and Johnny, and he goes...
-"I'm bored."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then he slowly
pointed at everyone.
He goes,
"Everyone here is bored."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And when I was
like five years old,
Johnny had
his birthday party at Benihana.
And he didn't want me to go.
He was in middle school
and he wanted all of his, like,
middle school friends to go.
And it was weird for
a five-year-old to go, you know,
because they probably
wanted to like
-practice cussing or whatever.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can't do that with a five--
And that's true.
Middle school kids,
they gotta practice cussing.
They don't know
how to do it right yet.
It's true, go listen to a bunch
of middle school kids talk.
Their cusses
don't quite add up yet.
They'll be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, if my mom doesn't let me
spend the night tonight,
I'm gonna burp in a cup
and shove it in her pussy."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) I've heard
someone say it. I have.
No, they wanted
to be doing that.
They didn't want me there,
but my dad was like,
"Dude, just let
your little brother go, man."
So, I get to go,
and I'm sitting there
across from my brother
and all of his cool buddies,
and, you know,
they're just kind of
looking at me like...
while the chef is grilling up
a bunch of shit.
And the chef notices
that I'm the odd man out.
And the chef kind of looks at me
and he's like...
Like...
And so the...
Shref grills up a shrimp
and he pops
that sucker into my mouth.
-I catch it with ease like that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my brother and all
of his buddies look at me like,
"That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen in my--" (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I'm like, "I'm in.
Chef, keep them coming.
Let's go, man."
Chef just keeps on
grilling up shrimp
and popping those bad boys
into my mouth.
I'm catching them
left and right.
And with every shrimp,
my brother loved me
just a little bit more.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I remember after,
like, the tenth or 11th shrimp,
my dad saying to the chef,
"Hey, man,
cool it with the shrimp, pal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was like, "No, no,
one more, Chef, one more.
One more."
The chef grills up a shrimp,
he pops it into my mouth,
I catch it like that,
start chewing it up,
try to swallow, I can't,
I throw up all over the table,
and it starts cooking
my throw up.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And it smelled bad.
I ruined my big brother's
birthday that night,
'cause I wanted him to love me.
Couldn't tell that chef to stop,
'cause he was doing
a really, really good job.
I still can't tell people
to stop.
Like, every time
I've ever gotten a massage,
-it's too hard and I'm cold.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You ain't gonna hear
nothing out of me.
You know,
after that whole situation,
me and my big brother
became best friends, you know?
And Johnny,
he hit a rough patch, I'd say.
A rough patch.
You know, in, like,
eighth grade, maybe,
where he sort of
stopped communicating
-and just started barking
all the time.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my mom and dad were,
like, concerned, and they, like,
took him to get, like,
tested and shit,
'cause he was barking
probably a year straight.
I'd say six words a day.
Other than that, it was a bark.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, they take him to, like,
a bunch of different people
to get tested for Tourette's
and autism
and all this different shit.
And then eventually
they just take him
to a true blue therapist.
And the therapist is like,
"Johnny, just tell me,
why do you bark?"
And he goes, "'Cause it makes
my little brother
laugh really hard."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: That's what kind of man
this guy is right here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
That's a good friend
right there.
You know who's a fucking
really bad friend?
-Buffalo wings.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Come with me on this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Buffalo wings
is a terrible friend, all right?
Here's how I know.
'Cause pizza,
they're killing it.
It's way back in the '80s
or whenever pizza was invented.
Pizza's killing it, all right?
Pizza's getting eaten
at restaurants.
It's getting delivered.
And pizza's, like, talking
to the other pizzas, going,
"You know what?
We're kind of killing it, guys.
And I'd like to be able to help
someone else out right now
because of all of our success.
We have the time.
We have the money.
Let's help someone."
And then another pizza's like,
"Yeah, yeah,
you know who I really like?
I'm a huge fan
of Buffalo wings."
So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings
onto the menu.
And now every time
you get pizza,
no matter if it's
in a restaurant or delivered,
you always have the option
for Buffalo wings.
And then Buffalo wings
starts popping off,
-building a huge fan base.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're getting so big,
they might have
to go out on their own,
start their own thing, you know?
Buffalo wing goes,
they start their own restaurant.
But who do they have for a side?
They sure as hell
don't have pizza,
-I'll tell you that much.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Pizza is nowhere to be found
at a Buffalo wing restaurant.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Who does Buffalo wings
bring along?
-Fucking French fries.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You son of a bitch.
Not only is Buffalo wings
a bad friend,
Buffalo wings
is also a fucking idiot.
Because guess what,
Buffalo wings?
French fries is not your friend.
French fries is burgers' friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, thanks for walking...
walking with me there.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
We were so lucky,
you know, like,
we've known each other
for so long
and we... we really haven't ever
made new friends,
other than this little
strange fucker right there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I... (CHUCKLES) I love you.
-How-- (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CHUCKLES)
WHITMER:
We never made new friends.
We would try, we would
sort of vet new friends.
Maybe some of y'all
have done this.
You ever, like, hang out
with a new friend
who says toot instead of fart?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's like,
"Buddy, you're on strike two
after holding your nose
when you jumped into the pool."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When Jeramy first moved to L.A.,
I let him live in my car.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Well, he lived in my apartment
for a second,
then he got in trouble
with my landlord,
so I had to let him
live in my car.
And it was nice,
he would get off work
and go find wherever my car
was parked and he'd go to sleep.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It was pretty nice.
But one night,
I had a girl over,
and around 5:00 a.m.,
I had to take her home.
And we're driving,
driving, driving.
And then in the rearview mirror,
she just saw... (GROANS LOUDLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She lets out
a blood-curdling scream.
And then I had to go,
"It's okay!
He just lives in my car!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, me and Johnny
lived in Birmingham.
And then
when I was ten years old,
we moved down
to Gulf Shores, Alabama,
which is like
a little beach trash town
on the Gulf of Mexico.
Jeramy was actually
the first friend
-I ever met down there.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
WHITMER: And, you know,
I'm walking on the beach,
I'm 11 years old,
and I see Jeramy
digging through an ashtray
to try to find a cigarette
that hadn't been smoked
too much,
so he could get
a couple of drags.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER:
And I go, "What's up, dude?"
And he goes...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"What's up, man?
My name Jeramy,
and that teenage girl
over there is Sally,
and her boyfriend is Nick.
And Sally lets Nick do anal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) And I was like,
"What's Dewanul?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I went home, and I was like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Johnny, what's Dewanul?"
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) Anyway,
I'm just saying all that to say
you grow up fast as hell
whenever you grow up
in a beach trash town.
You grow up real quick, okay?
Mm, all that talk
about cigarette, mm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Jeramy, pop me a cig, man.
Toss me a cig, dawg.
-Thanks. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You got a lighter?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Come on, Jer.
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, man.
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY)
-Fuck it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Mm. Get real buzzed
off that. I like that.
I like that buzz.
("BOARDSHORTS"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
When I was a teen
I took my girl to the beach
And we kissed under a blanket
As the sun went down
Give me something, brother.
She sucked on my neck
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I touched her breasts
Then her hand crawled up
My Billabong board shorts
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Or maybe they were Volcom
This is the best night
Of my life
I said
As she tickled my inner thigh
I said, "You're wild"
She said
"I haven't even started yet"
She began to graze
My shaft and balls and taint
-And I immediately came
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked her
In her pretty eyes
And profusely apologized
She said, "For what? Why?"
At that moment I realized
That I could see
Both of her hands
I lifted up the blanket
And I ran
The tiniest little sand crab
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
Crab covered in cum
Crab covered in my cum
(CHEERS, WHOOPS)
(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LIGHTER CLICKS)
WHITMER: You had a lighter
the whole time?
Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)
That was a girl crab,
by the way.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-How do you know?
-What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
How do you know?
'Cause she was wearing
a string bikini.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'm a beta male. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm a beta male
through and through, man.
I wish I was an alpha male.
That'd be great,
like a big old guy.
Like a...
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
Driving his truck around
with an energy drink,
just going like, "Hubba-hubba,"
or whatever.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Hubba-hubba."
You know, alpha male stuff.
That'd be so cool.
By the way,
every time I see an alpha male,
like, drinking one of them
big ol' Monster energy drinks,
-I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's sweet.
Beta male, beta male,
I'm a beta male
through and through.
And the most beta move
of all time,
the other night
I had a wet dream
-where I was jacking off.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I wasn't hooking up
with Carmen Electra,
nothing like-- I wasn't even
hooking up with a crab.
I was just jacking off
to completion...
-in my dark little room.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm not a smart guy,
but I have a lot of thoughts.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think I get it from my dad.
Like, my dad
is very emotionally intelligent,
you know?
But, you know, he suffers
a little bit in the brain game.
Like, when I was
a super little kid,
I remember he took me
to see the movie Toy Story,
and I remember
about ten minutes
into the movie,
my dad saying to himself,
he goes...
"Oh, this is a cartoon."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It took him ten minutes.
Ten minutes!
I asked him about it recently,
and he was like...
(ANGRILY) "Of course
I remember that, dude!
I had never seen
anything like that before!
I knew the toys was clearly
a cartoon, but at first,
all you see is the human legs,
and they look real!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY)
One time, my dad, for Christmas,
got me
a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD.
And he goes,
"Dude, I just thought, man,
I remember last Christmas
you were talking
about Neil Diamond,
and so I figured I'd get you
the Greatest Hits CD."
And I was like, "I don't know,
maybe I was talking about him
last Christmas
because last Christmas
you got me the Neil Diamond
Greatest Hits CD."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You can't fault him on--
You know, the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree, though,
because a long time ago,
I went to see that movie
Curious Case of Benjamin Button,
but I accidentally walked into
the Harvey Milk movie
starring Sean Penn.
It took me 45 minutes
before I was like,
"I don't think
that old baby's showing up."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Stupid as hell.
It is cool, though,
being from Alabama. Like...
Like, when you think
about superheroes, you know,
like New York has Spider-Man,
Detroit has Robocop,
L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama
has the best superhero of all.
-We've got Forrest Gump.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A lot of people
don't think of him as super,
but he's definitely super.
His powers are...
(IMITATES FORREST GUMP)
...he can run really fast...
(NORMALLY)
...and he can affect history
in charming and sometimes
heartwarming ways.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
People don't think about that.
They don't think about that.
When I was a little kid,
I wanted to get bit
by a radioactive hillbilly
so that I'd become
Forrest Gump one day.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
WHITMER: What's up?
You got something for me, Jer?
-Oh, you have a thought too?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right, Jeramy writes...
"Not all seafood
comes from the sea."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"They should call seafood
water food."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-WHITMER: That's pretty good.
No, no, no,
I ain't bright, I ain't bright.
The first time-- The first time
I ever got condoms
when I was 15 years old,
-I bought a 48-pack. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you know how depressing it is
the day you graduate high school
-to throw away 47 condoms?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You don't feel good.
We'd get into trouble
a lot as kids,
and I think it's 'cause
we all had slow Wi-Fi.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'd be like, "Ah, shit,
it's gonna take eight hours
for Road Trip to download."
Guess I'll go cut
my neighbor's bike in half.
I'm pretty sure the only reason
our mom tried to order
a year's supply of OxyContin
off of OxyContin.com
is 'cause she was waiting
for "Soak Up the Sun"
by Sheryl Crow to download.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I can't take cops seriously
because I grew up
in a small town
and our town was so small
that specific cops
would pull my mom over
just to ask her out on a date.
And now every time I see
the lights flashing behind me,
I get pulled over
and then he walks up to my car,
I'm like, "Ah, shit, another
gay cop's about to ask me out."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, because our parents were
always kind of fucking around
doing their own thing, we could
just do whatever we want.
Like, we would ride
our bikes around town
doing Stranger Things kids shit.
Actually, I don't know why
I use them as a reference.
That's not true at all.
If the amount of things
that happened to those
Stranger Things kids in one day
happened to me over the course
of my entire life,
-I would fucking kill myself.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, what's that, Mike?
We gotta go save Eleven,
'cause the Upside Down world's
coming back?
No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop
on my bike and help.
I'm gonna go home,
and I'm gonna
fucking kill myself.
'Cause it ain't getting
any easier, Mike.
They're just gonna
keep on coming, Mike."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There should be
one final episode of that show
where all those kids go
to their parents' gun closet...
they grab their fucking gun,
they put it in their mouth,
and they pull
the fucking trigger.
And that final episode
should justifiably
-be called "Normal Things."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
You all support child suicide.
Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot
of serious shit they wanna say,
but they can't say it in a way
to where it's not funny.
Like, no joke,
the pro-life signs
in our hometown
are written in Comic Sans.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They want to make a statement,
but they're just
a little bit too silly. (LAUGHS)
That's all.
We had a lot of tourists
coming to our town.
And one of the main things
they would do
is look for sand crabs
on the beach
at night with flashlights.
It was usually like
a family, you know,
on the shore
looking for sand crabs.
They'd walk up and down.
And Clay came up with this idea
for us to take turns
just like at night,
just sort of like
laying face down in the shore
and just kind of washing up
as they approached.
That way, it was usually,
like, a dad
and a couple kids, you know.
They would be walking up to us,
and then, you know,
they would shine
a flashlight on--
They would shine a flashlight
onto a dead child. (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you could hear
outside the water the dad go...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Kids, go back to the condo."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(NORMALLY) They would run off,
and then eventually
the dad would touch you,
and as soon as
the dad touched you, you'd go...
-(SCREAMS) ...and run.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It was awesome.
It was really, really funny.
But now I'm getting older
and I think about it
and I regret it.
I fully, completely regret
doing that,
because those kids
have lived their entire life.
You know,
now they're 30 years old,
and they've lived
their whole lives
telling their friends,
"No, yeah, when we were kids,
we discovered
a dead child in the shore.
We ran back to the condo,
completely traumatized,
and our dad, being a nice dad,
tried to calm us down by saying,
'Don't worry,
it was just a prank.'"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I totally regret it.
It's all right.
I regret a lot of shit.
Every day, I--
I regret doing this right now.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm-- I think it's good
to be consumed with regret
at every waking moment.
It's good.
It shows you got
some self-awareness, all right?
Every time I've ever met
somebody who says, "No regrets,"
-it's the worst person
I've ever met in my life.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
("MOST LIKELY"
BY WHITMER THOMAS PLAYING)
There should be a room
At every party
Where you can just sit
And watch a movie
But I make a fool of myself
The moment I open my mouth
If I could kick my own ass
I'd knock myself out
One, two, three, four.
-(ELECTRONIC DRUM FILL
PLAYS)
-WHITMER: Whoo!
(SONG CONTINUES)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
You know you're in a rut
When you only think
About the past
Romanticize the days
When you were too broke
For a therapist
I wanna be too jaded
To be sentimental
Self-referential
Or existential
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
Imposter syndrome's a bitch
Man, when you move
In a new direction
Everyone can dance
With nobody paying attention
Ain't meant for introspection
Just wanna roll around in dirt
Doc don't make me do no work
Look what you did
You little jerk
Doc don't make me do no work
Look what you did
You little jerk
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
I like doing impressions
I forgot the sound
Of my voice
Every email I've ever sent
Ends with exclamation points
I'm hardcore ashamed
Wide-eyed and adoring
Been a full 15 minutes
Since I said I'm sorry
All right, Johnny!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(PICKS GUITAR)
-Fuck!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
People who say no regrets
Have most likely done
Some fucked up shit
Most likely, likely
I got an ocean of shame
-The wisdom of a puppy
-(IMITATES BARK)
Dog paddling against the waves
Looking happy go lucky
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Good show, everybody,
I'm Cornholio,
I need toilet paper
for my asshole.
How's everybody
doing out there tonight?
Just need some toilet paper
for my asshole.
'Cause I am Cornholio.
I try to think of what, like,
made me who I am.
I've been trying
to figure that out forever,
and I think
I kind of whittled it down
to one night of my life,
which was when we had just moved
to this new town,
Gulf Shores, right?
I didn't know nobody yet.
My dad had left.
I was really sad.
And my mom had gotten
into some trouble,
and so she had to quit drinking.
And that night,
I was really sad,
and my mom was trying
to put me to bed,
and she would do this thing
whenever I was sad,
where she would trace my back,
and she would say this
little thing where she'd go,
"X marks the spot
with a dot, dot, dot,
and a dash, dash, dash,
and a great big question mark.
Chills go up, chills go down,
chills go all around.
Give a breeze. (BLOWS AIR)
And a squeeze."
And right when she said squeeze,
she had a seizure.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And she fell on top of me
and started seizing up.
And then she bit her tongue off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
'Cause she was going
into withdrawals,
and then she fell onto
the ground, kept seizing up.
I thought she was dying.
But after a little while,
she came to,
and she just, like,
looked up at me,
and she was like,
"What happened?"
And I was like,
"Can't I just have one moment?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Well, no, then I called
my grandparents,
and my grandparents came
and got her,
and then they just left me
and Johnny there.
And, yeah, that was it.
I remember just sitting
in my blood bed, uh...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...thinking, well,
this is what Blink-182
was talking about
whenever they sang,
"I guess this is growing up."
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
I kind of knew that whatever
my mom was going through
was way worse than whatever
I was gonna end up
going through.
So, I... I didn't ever wanna be
a problem or an obligation.
If anything, I wanted
to be a distraction for her.
But she was gone for a while,
and me and Johnny just ended up,
you know, living with different
random family members
or sleeping
on these guys' couches.
It was weird.
It was kind of like
living like a storm
was gonna break over you
at any time,
and you just had to be ready
to pick up and move.
And it didn't help
because there's real storms
where we're from.
There's hurricanes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, it's kind of like
a double whammy, you know?
But I'd always find
a silver lining,
like, um... like, uh...
A lot of people don't know this,
but after hurricanes,
something cool happens,
which is that you get
hurricane treasure.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Like this one time, I got
the whole Waffle House sign
-in my front yard.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHITMER: I slapped that puppy
on my roof. I was like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Y'all gotta come over.
It's just like going
to a real Waffle House."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(NORMALLY) It was great, man.
We were all going through
some kind of hell as kids,
and we didn't really
have to talk about it.
You know,
these are my best friends.
We just kind of
understood each other.
And why would we talk about it?
Why would we ruin our Saturday
of shooting Roman candles
at a port-a-potty?
-(FIREWORK BANGS)
-KID 1: (LAUGHS) Oh, shit!
We could sense it, you know?
Clay could sense something
was going on with me,
and he'd be like...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, guess what, man?
I figured out
how to steal chicken tenders
out the trash behind a Walmart."
(NORMALLY)
And then we would go do that,
and all of our problems
would be solved.
I'm so lucky
-to have these guys.
-(KID 2 SCREAMS)
-(FARTS)
-(KID 3 LAUGHS)
(RETCHES, CHUCKLES)
There's this interview
with Jake Phelps,
the editor of Thrasher magazine.
He's describing a group
of skaters in San Francisco
bombing a hill into the fog
as "a terminal crew of dudes."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Which I think
is so poetic, you know?
And I look at my friends
up here tonight like that,
my terminal crew of dudes.
-We've grown up together,
which is a trip.
-KID 4: Fuck yeah!
WHITMER: We've gotten
to grow up together.
Especially with Jeramy.
Jeramy's literally addicted
to getting run over by cars.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-WHITMER: But we made it, man.
We're gonna be all right.
My terminal crew.
Except we're not bombing a hill
into the fog or anything.
We're just, like,
skating something low-impact
under a bridge
with a bunch of shirtless boys.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Up until recently, I kind of let
my parents' decisions
dictate pretty much everything
I've ever done, you know?
I kind of thought
for the longest time
that I was a product of them,
but in reality,
I'm a product of my friends,
and I've felt so taken care of
because of them.
You know, like... I never drank
or anything because I was scared
after seeing
whatever happened to my mom.
But I feel like I really know
who I am now, and...
I... I'm here to say tonight
to all you folks
that, uh, I started drinking.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-It's awesome.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Yeah. It's really cool.
I'm hoping I get addicted
to something this year.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You just wait.
(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES)
Kids, you're still young
On the sand in the sun
Carving a castle
And piling it high
Digging a moat
To keep away the bad guys
One day your grief will be
Like a blanket you carry
A star you are gonna
Wish upon
A feeling you are gonna bury
And the deflector of heaviness
Is your cool little outfit
It's a pair
Of shit-kicking boots
And a leather jacket
Why are you still wearing
Your mom's rhinestone belt?
It's the best day
Of your life
Or the worst
That you ever felt
And in times of uncertainty
There's nothing you're above
You only criticize the work
Of everyone you're jealous of
And you long for the calamity
That you hope to forget
So caught up in a daydream
You'll never see
You're living it
Old Buzz and Junebug
Are you still having fun?
A shell for a window
With a view of the sea
A stage to tap dance
For infinity
Looks like you wasted
All your time
Trying to make
Something profound
And you watched your ball
Ping the goal post
Out of bounds
All them things you won't try
In fear of wanting too much
You blew away
All your eyelashes
Trying to shake
Your shit low
And you mythologize the place
Where you come from
You impersonate the people
That you hope to become
But don't you go acting
Like no one's got your back
Your brother's barking at ya
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS)
Trying to make you laugh
And so the tide will come
There's no golden one
Your castle will crumble
And your shoulders will fry
You see, man
You ain't gotta try so hard
All the time
So dip them toes
Into the shore
Sunscreen stinging your eyes
And wrap your cast
In a garbage bag
Float into the horizon
You will feel
You will feel most lost
On the road you know by heart
But ain't it fun
Ain't it fun
To build sandcastles
Just to tear them
Apart?
-(SONG CONCLUDES)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Oh, shit.
I forgot, okay,
this is a weird, uh...
So, when I walked in here,
somebody handed me a letter.
Uh, this is weird,
-but I'm just gonna read it.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Someone handed me this
right when I walked in,
which I thought was strange,
but here we go.
"Dear Whit, I'm also
from down south,
and I just wanted to say
that your comedy has inspired me
to try comedy myself."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I grew up with
an alcoholic mom too."
-(AUDIENCE MEMBER
SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
-Yeah.
"She passed away
five years ago."
Fucking hell.
"Watching your stand-up
has helped me
get through one of the most
difficult times in my life."
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
"I know it's probably lame,
but I wrote a joke
that I wanted you to hear
because you inspire me so much."
Okay.
"Why do girls
always carry around
these big-ass water bottles?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
"The water bottles
are getting bigger, folks,
-and the girls are loving them."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Basically, these bitches
are carrying around a bathtub
-with a straw in it."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"You'd think
these filthy bitches would have
-biceps bigger than The Rock."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Open your own damn pickle jar,
you hog bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Thanks for inspiring me
to do comedy."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Uh, okay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
After my mom got out of rehab,
it was one of the best times
of my whole life.
By then, I had gone to school,
I had met my friends,
and it was my birthday,
and so my mom let me have
my friends over
to watch movies
for my birthday party.
And we're all sitting there
watching movies with my mom,
and then she goes to sleep.
As soon as my mom closes
her bedroom door,
Jeramy goes...
(IN COMICAL SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Dude, we should go
to the Spice Channel."
(NORMALLY) For those of y'all
who don't know...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jeramy.
-(CHUCKLES)
For those of y'all
who don't know,
the Spice Channel is like
the porn channel, Channel 59.
You gotta rent it.
And I was like,
"Dude, there's nothing ever
on the Spice Channel.
It just comes in fuzzy."
And he goes...
(YELLING) "Go to
the Spice Channel, please!
Please, God, please!
I need this! I need Spice!"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He needed Spice, I don't know.
-Spice is nice.
-Spice is nice. (CHUCKLES)
So, I agree. Fine.
I go to the Spice Channel.
And on this day,
my 11th birthday,
the Spice Channel
is coming in clear as day.
No joke. And it's just the porn
of a bunch of women going down
on each other in an alleyway.
Pretty cool.
So, me and all my buddies
do the thing that little kids do
when something good happens,
which is this. "Hoh!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Looking good, fellas.
We still got it.
We're all doing that,
and I do the good friend thing,
which is I go
to the hall closet,
and I grab a bunch of blankets,
and I go,
"Here's your blanket
to jack off under,
and you get a blanket
to jack off under.
Here's your blanket."
Johnny wasn't there.
Johnny was probably
driving around in his van
with his girlfriend
listening to Deftones.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Anyway, so all my fellas
are so excited,
they can't wait to jack off.
I distinctly remember hearing
the loudest un-Velcroing
of board shorts
you've ever heard.
-Just... (ROARS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're all raring to go,
and I go, "Hold up, fellas.
Before we all start
jacking off together,
I gotta make sure
my mom's asleep,
'cause I don't want her
walking in here
while we're all jacking off
together on my 11th birthday.
-That might be weird for her."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, I go to my mom's door.
They're all sitting
just like this, all right?
That's them.
And my mom's door's about here.
The TV's here. I go in.
I kind of creak the door open
real quiet, and I peek in there,
and I look around.
And I look to the left,
and I see that just, like,
there's a flickering of the TV,
and I'm like,
"Okay, interesting."
I dip my head
in there a little further,
and I see on my mom's TV
is the porn
of all the women going down
on each other in the alley.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"What the heck?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
And I thought to myself, "Okay,
well, maybe my mom fell asleep,
and then she rolled
onto the remote,
and then she went to there,
and then she accidentally
rolled onto her phone,
and then she slept-talked
her credit card information
into her phone,
and then she rented
the Spice Channel
for the night."
So, I get my head
in there a little further,
and I see that my mom
is wide awake.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And my mom
has a blanket of her own.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, uh... I just sort of
very quietly close the door...
and I put my head against it,
and I think...
I had been through
a lot that year.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I seen a lot of stuff
I wasn't supposed to see.
We all kind of
were going through it.
We had to make a big change
in our life
and we were all lonely
and learning how to be
in this new place,
this new life.
I felt bad for my mom.
Walked back to the couch.
I sat with my pals.
And I un-Velcroed
my board shorts.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(IMITATES VELCRO RIPPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My pals
are all smiling, excited.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I give them the go-ahead,
start jacking off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's the best night
of Jeramy's life.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you know...
I start jacking off too.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked around the room
at all these smiling faces.
And I'm pretty sure
that night...
all my pals thought that
I was jacking off with them.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was jacking off with my mom.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
RISING)
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
And, you know,
don't worry about me.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm fine.
I just have the sudden urge
to go inside.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONTINUES)
Well, how lucky
Can one guy be?
I found some pals
As dumb as me
My tears dissolve
Into the sea
Hit with the choppy waves
Of memories
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, our house got blown
Into the bay
We didn't like it
There anyway
And Johnny got himself a van
And we ran away
To Birmingham
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I don't wanna go
Through them white sand dunes
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
And so, Jer quit school
And left town
Work nights at Waffle House
He put his pay check on red
Had to move back home again
That's the trouble
With winning
You gotta
Have something to lose
And coming up
Don't feel so good
If you ain't
Never been screwed
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I don't even know
How to sing the blues
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
And we're too cynical
To pray
And too wound up to meditate
Just tumbling through
That by and by
Some beach rats
-Flying into the night sky
-(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Well, get the van, man
Johnny, I got the itch
Let's hit the road
And hold on to that death wish
'Cause I could
Never go through
What I've been through
Without my terminal
My terminal crew of dudes
Terminal crew of dudes
Terminal crew of dudes
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
(SONG CONCLUDES)
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)