Whitmer Thomas: The Golden One (2020) Movie Script

1
That's my mom on keyboard.
That's Ricky Whitley on guitar.
He's the guy that posted
this onto YouTube.
"And then that's my Aunt Jude
on guitar, too."
And this is the Flora-Bama,
you know, before Hurricane Ivan
so it's like,
it looks different now
but it's pretty much the same thing.
"That's where I'm gonna be playing."
"They just put a roof over it,
so it's still special."
This is me, my big brother, Johnny,
king of the town.
This is me, probably learning
how to play "Dammit"
by Blink-One Eighty-Two
on the guitar
which is a crucial part of this story.
- This is you...
- "Let me see this this."
when we were like twelve.
Let me see this.
and then this is the photo that
was supposed to be on the album
that was never released
because things got messy afterwards.
And they started playing pretty much
as the house band at the Flora-Bama
"which is by no means
like a... a bad thing."
"You know, it's like a cool,
iconic venue that means so much"
"to so many people."
"But, you know, I think that my mom's
expectations were very different."
And this...
is a tape my mom recorded
in Birmingham.
"Is there a lot of recordings?"
No, no, we pretty much only have
this one.
"Makin' it, makin' it, makin' it,
makin' it"
"makin' it, makin' it, makin' it,
sweet love."
"Makin' it, makin' it, makin' it,
makin' it"
"makin' it, makin' it, makin' it,
sweet love."
Yeah, all right, well.
Most of her songs
were about fucking.
"It's just impossible for me
not to compare myself to her."
I think that's the reason that I want
to go do my show at the Flora-Bama
because that venue means so much
to my family and to my life.
It's how my mom was able
to support me and my brother
"and I want it to feel like I'm doing
my show inside of my mom's heart."
And this is a notebook that my mom
sent me right when I moved to L.A.
and she wrote a letter in it
which says...
"My Golden Son,
reach for the Stars."
"Dream big.
Follow your heart."
"Use caution."
"Know that you are loved."
"Stand up and be confident"
"and remember to open the door
for the ladies."
"Moving to L.A. it's rough out there
but don't give up, don't give in."
"Be careful and know
that you're always on my mind"
"and in my heart and soul."
"You're the best!
Be Happy. I love you so."
Yeah.
Then I wrote a bunch of jokes
about jackin' off in the notebook.
"It fucking, it fucking,
it fucking, it fucking"
"it fucking hurts to be alive!"
"Oh the disposable fragility of life!"
"My identity is my mother died"
"Anything to distract
from being straight and white"
"But I want to be the perfect mix"
"of everything fucked up
you want to fix"
"My wokeness is a myth"
"I'm oh so desperate
for your love"
"Listing all the qualities"
"that make me seem
a little more appealing"
"No, the future doesn't freak me out
My boundary issues are solved"
"and I'm seeing a therapist"
"And I'm considering quitting plastics"
"I've gone pescatarian
and I'm curious"
"And I'm into keeping my body fit
I'm sex positive and mysterious"
"But am I the perfect mix of everything
fucked up you can't resist"
"You know my wokeness now so thick
I'm trudging through it for your love"
"I just want you to love me"
"I just want you to love me
Oh, to think of me"
"And I just want you to love me
I just want you to love me"
"to control how you think of me"
"And I just want you to love me"
"I just want you to love me
Oh, do you love me?"
When I was a kid,
I was very cool.
My dad, he'd always be like
'Dude, man, when you were a kid,
man, you were so fuckin' cool."
"People just wanted
to hang out with you."
"Fuck, you're the coolest."
This one time, this is a true story,
when I was three years old
I was hanging out in a kitchen
and a man, he broke into my kitchen
and he ran and he grabbed me
up out of the kitchen
and then he ran out the house
and down the street with me in his arms.
Luckily, thank God, my dad
happened to be driving up that road
and he saw that man, you know
running with me in his arms.
So my dad got out of his car
and he went to the man
and he said something like,
"Excuse me, sir. That's my boy."
'Give him here."
And thank God the man did.
Here's where it gets weird.
My dad called the cops
and the cops followed
the man to his house.
And this man lived in a creepy,
true detective style back house.
And inside of that back house
was a living room with a bathtub in it.
And inside of that bathtub
was a bunch of gross, dirty water
a bunch of my toys
and clothes and things
and a bunch of photos
that the man had been taking of me
since the day I was brought
home from the hospital.
Yeah, so that guy must have
thought I was pretty cool.
He was like my fist big fan.
He died in jail and that's my fault.
I did that to him.
I was a pretty fuckable little kid.
My dad was my hero
growing up, you know
because he saved my life
that one time.
But then, when I got
into fourth grade, he left.
And it was really awkward
when my dad left
because at the time he was
the assistant baseball coach
for my fourth grade baseball team.
So, you know it was awkward
'cause I'd get to baseball practice
and all the other kids would be like,
"Hey, where's your dad?"
"He's supposed
to be third base coach."
And I'd have to be like "yeah,
he's also supposed to be my dad."
"Where is that guy?"
"You know what?
When I see him..."
"I'll tell him about this whole
third base coach thing"
'cause God forbid
you get to third base
and you don't know where to go.
You go home.
If anything, my dad needs
a third base coach.
lot of dad hate out there tonight.
I like that.
I feel like you can tell a lot
about a kid's childhood
by what they call their grandparents.
Like my childhood
was pretty bleak
and I call my grandparents
Grandmother and Grandfather.
But my buddy's childhood
is really solid
and he calls his grandparents,
Gimgam and Metma.
He's like, "I love my Metma."
"She's makin' biscuits as we speak."
And I'm like, "oh that's cool, man,
because Grandfather's"
"gonna try to get me to join
the Confederacy again."
This the truth.
It's the truth.
A lot of other cultures
give white folks a hard time
for puttin' their old folks away
in old folks' homes
but I'm like, "they're bad people."
"What do you want 'em
running around on the street?"
Can you separate the art from
the artist? That's all I'm saying.
It's funny, like,
I'm happy to be down here.
I've been down here for a while now
like, a month or so.
It's good to be back. You know,
I miss it down here. I really do.
I really do.
People down here, you know
they got simple ways of describin'
things that I really miss.
That's not how things
are in L.A., you know.
You go up to somebody down here
and be like, "Hey, man"
"What kind of dog is that?"
And they'll be like,
"That dog right there?"
"That's a brown dog."
"That's like a medium sized
brown dog."
"Happy to be of service."
I just wish I was
like a stupid asshole.
That's the dream,
especially right now.
Oh, my god, you know,
two thousand nineteen...
the happiest person in the world
is a stupid asshole.
That's what I want to be.
I want to be a dumb
asshole, idiot bitch.
"I don't want to be an anarchist"
"You know I just want someone
Sweet to kiss"
"I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"Who else can I donate to I played
twenty benefits for the ACLU"
"But I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"I don't wanna care
about modern art"
"You know I'm so fuckin' bored
of actin' smart"
"And I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"Do I have to call my congressmen"
"I don't even fuckin' know them"
"Oh, yes, I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"What protest is cool to go to?"
"What women's right
will the president undo?"
"I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"And who is Wolf Blitzer
and why is he old?"
"If there's global warming
then why am I cold?"
"Oh, yes, I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
Here we go!
"Now once you fuck like"
"I'm not registered to vote, I wanna
eat beef on a whale fishin' boat"
"Oh, yes, I just wanna be
dumb and in love"
"And I know my problems
are really small"
"Two thousand sixteen
didn't affect me at all"
"Oh, God, why can't I be
dumb and in love?"
"I just want to be..."
"dumb and in love"
"A stupid, asshole, idiot bitch"
It's so fuckin' cool to be back, man.
What a trip to be here.
I just fu..., I can't,
truly can't believe it, man.
I grew up down here playin' shows.
You know. I was in an emo band.
For those of y'all who aren't
familiar with the genre emo
it's the one that goes like this.
"I'm not scared."
Anyway, so that's what I was doing
all through high school in Alabama.
My favorite part
of the whole emo genre
is typically after the second
chorus they'll be a spoken word part
And it's always delivered in kind of
like classic Southern Californian
voice, you know.
Like a voice that goes, "I hate
my parents. Their love is a scam."
And the chorus is always
somethin' really poignant
and thought provoking and poetic,
you know. Something like...
"And you could slit my throat"
"And I'd say thank you
for touching me"
Somethin' that really gets you thinkin'
Wow, he must really love her.
And then they get
into that spoken word part, man.
I just loved it so much.
You're like, "I'd say thank
you for touching me."
"And that was the last winter
I ever saw Amy."
"She walked out of autumn
and left me in ashes." Or whatever.
But, like I said, I'm from here,
which means I used to have an accent.
It's faded quite a bit, but it used
to be well and alive and thriving
and I'd say it made my spoken
word parts in my emo band
a bit more cinematic.
Still had the same singin'
voice, though.
"And you could slit my throat"
"and I'd say thank you
for touching me"
"That was the last time
I ever saw Amy."
"She just up and left."
"I was like, what the hell?"
"That was the last time
I ever saw Amy."
"She walked out of my door
down County Road A."
"She was gone."
"Maybe she went to Milo's
to get some sweet tea."
"You know what?
I bet you she went to Milo's"
"to get some sweet tea."
It's funny, you know.
I'm thirty years old.
It's weird. It's hard... it's hard...
it's hard to be an aging emo kid
because emo kids, they sing
about what they're feeling
more than any other
singers, you know.
The guys in Fugazi, they're, like
in their fifties now
so that means they're
fifty-year-old emo kids.
And like, they've got
to be singin' about shit
that they really feel, you know.
What's that like for
a fifty-year-old emo kid, like?
"My daughter got into Brown
and I don't know if I could pay for it!"
Or... "Oh, no, every time
I wipe there's blood!"
You've just got to really feel it.
That's the key.
My emo band would open up
for my older brother's bands.
It was sick as hell, 'cause they were
really good. We were all right.
We had the outfits.
They had the talent.
We'd run around opening for them
all over the Southeast.
It was killer.
My brother was like a star
down here, you know.
He was the best surfer in town,
the best musician, everybody loved him.
- All right, what's your name?
- Rowan.
- And where are you from?
- California.
Are you ready to disappear?
All right.
Everybody count to three.
One, two...
- "Say abracadabra."
- Three, abracadabra.
- "He's gone."
- Where the hell did he go?
Did you ever play with Mom?
You definitely played with her.
- Yeah.
- Like live.
She played with me
at the high school talent show.
She played the flute
and I played the guitar.
"I always remember being
a little kid and thinking, like"
she's... my mom is, well
that's cool that your mom does that
but my mom's actually famous, so.
"Yeah. For me, like
they practiced so much."
- Like, I didn't even like music.
- Right.
It was so annoying to me
because I couldn't watch TV
Or be like a kid
because there was always, like
loud rock and roll music in the back
and, like, I didn't really like it.
- Does that make sense?
- For a... But, you did, eventually.
Eventually, yeah, I loved it.
But when I was little, it wasn't cool
like, I was like,
"oh, band practice."
- Right
- You know.
- Yeah.
- So, like, I didn't look at her
as like a big star.
It was just like she...
she was playing guitar again.
I think I was always so, like,
fascinated with show biz...
as a kid that I always
thought it was cool.
And then especially when...
like, I remember you guys
would play electric guitar
and you would give me
the old Guild guitar and not plug it in
And then you would do
a guitar solo behind me
and make me think that I was
doing the guitar solo.
I remember thinking, like,
that's the coolest feeling in the world.
My first day of high school, I...
I, like, we were
at break or something.
I accidentally stepped on some dude's
shoes and he pushed me into the dirt.
And he goes, "You just stepped
on my new K-Swisses."
And then, no joke
two of his buddies come up
from behind him and they go
"Hey, man, you don't
want to be doin' that."
"That's Johnny's little brother."
And he picked me up
out of the dirt, and he goes
"Dude, I'm so sorry, man."
"I didn't know you
were Johnny's little brother."
Started wiping...
"Sorry about that, pal."
And I went, "That's right.
I am Johnny's little brother."
"I'm Johnny's little brother."
"And you can't push me because
I'm a big boy in high school now."
The biggest argument
I'd ever get in in my whole life
was in elementary school and the
argument was about how my big brother
was bigger than
my friends' big brothers.
You know, I'd be like, "Oh, what size
shoe does your brother wear?
"My brother wears
a size thirteen, so..."
"looks like I've got the bigger
brother in this scenario."
"Ah! I've got a brother
who's bigger than yours"
"He's bigger than yours
He's bigger than yours"
"But your brother is
the same age as mine"
"but does he wear
a size thirteen shoe?"
"My brother is six foot four
and your big brother is only six two"
"I will walk freely
you best believe me"
"My brother can palm a basketball
This is a warning"
"Don't pick on me. All I gotta do
is give my big brother a call"
"I've got a brother
who's bigger than yours"
"Yes, bigger than yours, He's
bigger than yours. My brother's huge"
"He's bigger than yours. He's bigger
than yours. Bigger than yours"
A lot of sexual
assaults in the news.
AII the time.
A lot of comedians being outed
during the Me Too movement
and, you know
may they rot in hell.
But in the meantime, I was thinking
with a little bit of retrospect
maybe now it's okay
we give Peewee Herman a break?
Of course, the guy had to jack off
in a movie theater.
His whole house talks.
I was in a relationship for a while.
It didn't work out, not sure why.
Her two favorite things to do
are dance and cocaine.
And my two favorite things to do
are feel left out and judge.
So that didn't work out.
That didn't work out.
Alabama's romantic as hell.
It's cool.
That took a lot of
gettin' used to out in L.A.
It's like, "But where do
I dangle my feet?"
I think my main problem with dating
has always been, even since I was
a little kid, was, like, I'm not fun.
Just like overall, not very fun.
Like even
when I was like five years old
I remember my mom
would come pick me up
or something from the playground
with all my best friends
and she'd be like, "Hey, buddy."
"Are you ready to go,
or you want to stay?"
"I don't mind either way."
And I'd be like, "I could go."
"I could go."
"You wanna... I could...
You want... I could go."
That's... that's probably
why I'm not fun.
People say porn is about fantasy
which is weird
'cause they still haven't made
my mom coming back to life porn.
"I can't drink with you tonight"
"I'm sorry"
"I understand
if you'd like to leave"
"I don't have a drinking problem
per se"
"you see, you see"
"I guess my problems
began with my mommy"
"You see my mommy
drank herself to death"
"And I know she tried
her very best"
"But now I can't party"
"'cause my mommy partied to death"
"to death, to death"
"What's that, you say?"
"Do I smoke weed?"
"Oh boy, I wish I could"
"but I can't, I can't, I can't"
"You know I've tried
a few times before"
"But the high
is no good so no more"
"I'm supposed to be chilin'
But I'm just thinkin' about..."
"You guessed it, my mommy"
"Mommy also had a drug problem"
"That contributed to her alcoholism"
"Which eventually led to her death"
"And I know
she tried her very best"
"But now I can't party
'cause my mommy partied to death"
"Feel less alone."
"And I wonder..."
"every day"
"I wonder, Whit,
what would your mommy say?"
"She'd say this fuckin' life it fuckin'
sucks. So have a fuckin' drink"
"Go out and fuck
Sing it with me"
"This fuckin' life
it fuckin' sucks"
"So have a fuckin' drink
Go out and fuck"
"Let's try. Now I can't party
'cause my mommy partied to death"
"to death, to death..."
Okay
"Now I can't party
'cause my mommy partied to death"
AII right, I'm ready.
Nailed it good.
Pull.
- Yeah. There you go.
- Yeah, my man.
Now, take it off and...
Just underneath it.
Still?
I'm bad at this.
I don't know what's going on.
You know what I mean?
- When you're here?
- No, when I'm away.
- Really?
- I haven't known what's gone on
really with Aunt Jude,
your mom, for ten years.
- Yeah.
- And then...
- I guess I don't either.
- Really?
I mean, I don't want to confirm it
or not confirm it
but maybe hit and miss
here and there, you know
off and on the roller coaster.
Drinkin' and not drinkin'
or whatever, so.
I hate having my heart broke
by her drinkin' again, so...
I guess I try to put
a big eggshell around it.
That's... I've been feeling like
tremors of that feeling again
Which I would feel
with my mom all the time, like...
like every time she'd call me
I'd look at the phone
like, I don't know
if the tone of her voice is...
one way,
I have to call my brother...
- Slurry? Yeah.
- and tell him to go
- tell him to go check on her
- Yeah.
Or if it's the other way, then we
have this great conversation.
- Yeah.
- If she talks to me about coming
to visit me or playing
music with me or whatever it is.
- Yeah.
- If my mom would talk to me
about playing music with me
it would mean that she was sober.
Right.
And so as soon as she died
I haven't had to feel
that anymore, like...
Well, you had it rough.
I feel like we...
we all did.
Yeah, man. I feel like it was more
on you, you being younger.
You know, I don't...
I don't know, man.
Your mom went quick.
It was like six months.
Your mom went
from being good to gone.
Yeah.
Yeah, cherish your mom 'cause
they're droppin' like flies.
It's funny down here,
talkin' to anybody
talkin' to anybody on this island.
"Hey, man, how'd you meet
your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she actually used to date
one of my closest friends."
"So that's how, I guess
that's how I met her."
I think I have a hard time like
datin' and meetin' new people, too
I mean, like, being in relationships
because I know what it's like
to truly be wanted.
I was kidnapped
when I was three years-old.
I know what it's like.
That guy loved me.
Ultimate attraction.
You like me?
But would you kidnap me?
I think I've always had like boundary
issues even when I was a kid.
You know, like, my best friend
when I was a kid from like one to seven
I'd stay the night at his house
every single weekend.
And we'd, like, he had this big bed,
we'd sleep in the same bed together.
And he, you know, he...
he'd have to wear a diaper to bed
until we were seven years old.
I remember laying
in bed with the guy.
You know, every night
his mom would come in
and she'd lay him back and
lift his legs up and wrap him up.
I felt so bad for the guy.
He'd just be looking at me like...
"It sucks, dude, you know.
I'm sorry, pal."
"This is between me
and you for now."
I was like, you know, like
I hit about five
I developed some empathy.
So every weekend that I would
stay the night with this kid
I'd watch his mom. You know,
I'd be lying in bed with him
Mom wrapping him up in the diaper.
And she'd finish up with him
and then, right when she'd get
into the doorway to leave
I'd say, "Excuse me, Miss"
"why don't you come back
and wrap me up, too?"
And then she'd come on back
and put a diaper on me, too
and then me and my best
bud would spend all night
pissin' and shittin' in bed together.
And that's when I realized
I'm a co-dependent enabler.
Yeah, so I'm in therapy now.
My therapist calls sex fucking
and it's shocking every time.
On that note
a lot of guys are weird about
having sex with girls on their period
and I just think that's
so lame, you know.
'Cause I look at it
from my perspective
which is that you stick anything three
and a quarter inches deep into my body
there's gonna be blood.
You really learned a lot
about me with that one.
I do struggle, you know.
Like every time I meet somebody
I get nervous. I get a new person
and you're going out with 'em.
Can we go back to... You know
she's like, "Come back to my place."
It's like oof.
It's not gonna work.
It's just not gonna work tonight
'cause I struggle with,
performance anxiety.
It's not funny!
It's not funny.
No I do.
I can't freakin' get it up
'cause I'm afraid,
what if I like you too much?
Y'all... y'all know that
right, fellas?
Fellas?
Yeah!
"Making out in your room"
"You take off my clothes
You take your clothes off, too"
"You put a record on
and you lock your door"
"I am certain
I won't be able to perform"
"Your fingers running
through my hair"
"I nervously whisper
into your ear"
"Can I eat you out?"
"Let me eat you out"
"'Cause right now I'm as soft
as a puddle made of felt"
"So lay back, lay back"
"And let me eat you out"
"I'll go downtown"
"I'll dip my fingertips
Please don't look at my dick"
"I'm on my knees. I'm here to please
It's all I know to do"
"I'm too scared to fuck you
But I like you a lot"
"And I think you're so hot
and I swear that I'm the one"
"Wish I could say that I was drunk
But I'm stone cold sober"
"Tonight's not over
You are all I'll breathe"
"If you let me
Eat you out..."
"Let me eat you out"
"Eat you out"
It's funny... it's funny that
my mom died.
The number one reason
why it's funny
is because she's got
an identical twin.
Yeah, so it's weird.
It's like Pet Cemetery vibes,
you know.
What's even weirder is
that whenever my mom died
my aunt, her identical twin sister
moved into her house.
And then I would,
you know, come back home
run into an acquaintance of mine
or somethin' like that at Walmart
and they'd come up to me
and be like
"Hey, man. Saw your mom
watering the plants the other day."
"She looks good."
And I'd always be like...
"my mom died eleven years ago"
and I'd just sort
of walk away like this.
And they'd go, "All right,
I'm gonna kick your ass now."
"Your big brother
ain't around, is he?"
It's funny. It's weird.
Me and my aunt...
we had not talked really
since my mom died.
we had a falling out
and we hadn't talked.
That's another odd thing.
My aunt called me one year
on my mother's death day
which is a weird day to call
somebody on, their "death day".
I feel like we're kind of taught
to remember things that way, though
you know, the hard way.
I feel like we've always been taught
that since way back, you know.
Like I feel like when
Jesus comes back. When...
I feel like when Jesus comes back
he'll be like
"Okay, first order of business."
"How's about we remove
all the memorabilia"
"from the worst day of my life."
Hello?
"Hello?"
Hey, Aunt Jude.
"Yes."
"I don't know what...
My phone is acting up today."
"I don't know what it is,
but... yeah."
Well, what have you...
what have you been up to?
"Living the retirement life."
"You know I'm sixty-three"
"and I don't know if I'm too old
to be out there rockin' and rollin'"
"or not, but..."
"Well, what's up with you?"
"I found this video of..."
"of Syn Twister playin' down there."
"Yeah."
- "Did you see it? Did you see it?"
- "Yeah, oh, yeah."
You know, that video's
just kind of sent me on a journey
trying to put some things in my life
together or back into place.
and I think you're
a large part of that
So I kind of wanted to...
to talk to you and hang out with you
and maybe play with you,
if you're into it.
"Really at the Flora Barma?"
- Yeah, you know.
- "Or just sit around and jam at home?"
Both or whatever you want.
And, you know
and in the meantime
I feel like it's pretty stupid
that we don't talk to each other
so I feel like you and I got to,
we got to figure out a way to...
"Get our rapport back."
- Yeah.
- "I'd love to"
"I miss you so much, yeah."
"you know, and, of course,
I really miss my sister."
"I quit playin' for awhile
because every..."
"I couldn't even listen
to a CD or anything"
"without just boo-hoo
and you know."
"My mom and my aunt
were in a band"
called Syn Twister.
They're identical twin sisters.
Syn Twister.
Clever, cool.
They were great.
They... they didn't make it in the way
that they wanted to or should have.
You know, they didn't become stars.
They didn't get a big record deal.
But they did have a song that I am
positive would have been a hit single
if the right person would
have heard it, you know.
It's called "He's Hot".
and it went like this.
"He's hot
He is the one"
"He's got me burnin', burnin'
Under the sun"
The best part is...
"Ain't no fever like he is..."
"Like he is to me"
"I'm burnin' burnin'
one-0-five degrees"
"Is that what you remember?"
"Okay."
"When I was a kid,
I'd watch them play that"
and I'd think
that's got to be about me.
as a man, I realize this is just
about some guy they want to fuck.
I would watch them
play that song here.
They'd be playing here all the time.
It's crazy.
It's weird that I'm here.
"Yeah!"
We would come here.
They would play a show
and I would sit here.
All of my time was spent here.
I remember sitting out on
the beach watching them play
and I was too young...
to like have sunglasses
that fit my head
and I couldn't keep my eyes open
to watch them play
because of the sun reflecting
off of the white sand.
And just sort of like struggling, just
like figuring out how do I keep shade.
I'm stupid.
I'm four years old.
I need to watch my mom sing
her horny songs with her sister.
It's bizarre.
What a strange, strange thing.
My mom was determined to make it
until the day she died.
That's all she ever did,
played music, wrote songs.
She never did. She never made it
in the way that she wanted to
and it's a weird thing
to wrestle with.
Now me, trying to do the same thing
cause I have an example of...
what it looks like to fail, you know.
My dad came back.
It's exciting. Dad's don't typically
come back, but mine came back.
When it was convenient for him,
he decided to show back...
AII right, honors.
AII right, chief,
you see where you're goin', right?
- Yeah, the red flag.
- You can probably...
I don't know if you can get there
with this shot, but...
So have you heard from aunt Jude?
She get back to you?
- Yeah.
- What'd she say?
- She's... being nice.
- Good.
I mean, like, I haven't
talked to her since...
pretty much
since my mom died.
And then where we left off was that
she was trying to sue me and Johnny.
- Right.
- Fond memories.
- All right, I'm gonna hit this.
- AII right. Do you remember how?
Yeah, back of the ball.
Here we go.
I'm gonna hit it perfect right now.
Here we go. Here we go.
So close.
I knew at some point I was crossin'
the line and I just didn't care.
You know, you're damaged in some way
and emotionally deformed.
I don't know. But you know...
it's, I felt real guilty
about all of the things
that happened and...
you know, what a poor father I was
and you guys
were completely innocent
and had to suffer the whole brunt
of abandonment and me leavin'.
And you know
for that I can...
I can... never really
make up for that.
But, I hope you know that...
I am, I'm sorry. You know, I'm sorry
that I did that to you and Johnny.
Yeah, I think we know.
Good, because now all I can do
is you know
try to be a better father.
We'd be downstairs watching
television or something
and you would pop in
dressed in your full Batman outfit.
And it wasn't that you
would just walk in
but that you would jump out...
from behind the door
with your cape spread.
You know, you know, like voila!
And, like, and it... and it
would break me up, you know
'cause of you were so committed
to the whole persona
You know what I mean?
You were like
"I am Batman"
- "It was awesome."
- "But you got to remember"
how the Batman costume
saga ended.
- What?
- Which is that...
- Oh, what?
- I put on the costume.
Oh, yeah. You put on...
you put on a few pounds.
You went, "Oh, it looks like the Batman
costume's a little tight there, pal."
- And I remember being...
- You had your stomach popping.
- I was so heart broken.
- Oh, really?
That is the first time
I ever was self-aware of...
Or it was the first time
I was ever aware of my body.
"Yeah, that was the day
the innocence died."
"Some might say it was
the day that you left..."
that you ran off. But for me, it was
the day that my Batman costume...
- It was way before that.
- was too small.
That's when
everything went to shit.
So, he showed back up,
which is cool, right?
That's pretty rare.
Dad shows back up.
And I was tellin' him
recently, I was like
"dude, I don't know
what the fuck to do, like..."
"I'm lost."
"I want to come home."
"I don't have a God damn clue
if this is ever gonna work out."
And my dad said "Dude, I got sober.
I got my job. I did all this shit."
"And in order for all those
things to happen"
"I had to really think about it and
figure out what I wanted to happen"
"what I wanted from the universe."
He said, he wrote down
all of his hopes and his dreams.
He put a pen to paper
and he wrote 'em down
and they all came true.
and he said...
He said,
"You should do that, man."
"Write down your hopes and your dreams
and what you want from the universe."
I remember, I said,
"I wanted y'all to do that"
"and encouraged you
to do that and..."
- Well, you want me to do it.
- Yeah.
But the difference
between me and you
is you're making, you were
making this giant comeback
where as I never started
so my whole, my hopes and dreams
are just so much
different than yours
cause it's not like I've got
to get my kids back in my life.
It's more like...
I've got to, get my...
Get your Batman costume to fit?
Sorry. That was not necessary.
- No, that was good.
- "I want to get sober"
"I want to get clean"
"I want my sons back"
"I want custody"
"I want a job"
"I'll do anything"
"I want love and hurt
and all in between"
"I want to be alive"
"And I want to live"
"His hopes and dreams
They all came true"
"Willed from the universe"
"Not out of the blue"
"I was an angry skateboarder
With thick bangs and Osiris D, Threes's"
"That all changed when my father
returned to save me"
"So here I am now"
"I must write my hopes and dreams
Daddy's reassurance"
"Man, it gave me peace"
"Be specific, he said"
"So the universe may hear"
"and don't be afraid, my child
Be honest, be clear"
"So I wrote"
"my hopes and dreams
Just like he did"
"I actually wrote this down"
"I want to get
my iPhone screen fixed"
"And I want to get a leg up
on my teen years memoir"
"I want to self-produce
a web series"
"And most of all
I wanna be a big movie star"
"Cause it's all about me"
"and what I want, yeah, babe"
"Some might dream
of a family to raise"
"and some might hope
for a good meal to eat"
"Not me, I'm precum Jim Carrey
and I want to be rich"
"I hope my father knows"
"He raised a little bitch
What a child"
"I want to get
my iPhone screen fixed"
"And I want to get a leg up
on my teen years memoir"
"I want to self-produce
a web series"
"And most of all,
I wanna be a big movie star"
We're doin'...
we're doin' pretty cool.
- Wow, Oh man.
- Yeah
Do they make tapes
like that anymore?
I don't know if they still make 'em,
but, they can...
I mean recordings?
Maybe I could find some of that stuff.
Here's the list at least
of the songs.
Warm Love.
China.
Oh, gosh, you remember that?
"You don't have to go to China"
Referring to Jim.
- Oh, is that where he went?
- China. No. He went heroin.
- To jail.
- Heroin.
Oh, he did China.
He was doing heroin.
- Gotcha.
- Yep.
What do you think stopped y'all
from getting like a proper release?
- A record deal?
- Yeah.
Actually, we were offered a record deal
when we were in Jamaica
with Virgin Records.
And... and they had
just signed Madonna
and... our manager at the time
did not want...
didn't think they gave us
a good enough deal.
So he turned it down.
Horrible.
Oh, look.
This is the one we sang
with him on this album.
They didn't ask us to do a bikini shot.
- Remember that studio?
- This is Mom.
Yeah.
This is the big one.
How did this one
how... how long ago
after Casey died
did my Mom write this?
Pretty soon.
- This song is...
- It was in a month or so.
A month, wow.
He was four months old.
- Four months old.
- And the story with that is...
They had been to a party
at Ralph Lauren's
store in Palm Beach
and they were drinking
White Russians and Jim...
always scared me
with his driving
and he ran into a palm tree
in John Lennon
and Yoko Ono's driveway.
And that's when Casey was killed.
- That...
- That memory is something
that you know...
She was suffering
from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- I'm sure.
- Forever.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I remember once a month
I'd like walk into her room and she
would be banging on the piano
- playing that song.
- Yeah.
- Never got over it.
- No.
When did you, why did you
really stop playing?
We played right up
until Jenny died.
- Yeah.
- "And then after that I..."
"you know, I couldn't..."
like I said, I couldn't play a CD
without crying
or even pick up my guitar
without crying.
And I've just recently
gotten over that.
I dream of her almost every night.
And it's like we're really together
and doing stuff.
And I wake up and I feel
a little more satisfied.
- You do?
- Do you dream of her?
- AII the time. Yeah
- Okay.
But all I want to say is that
I think I'm very lucky
because most people, when a relative
family member, or mom
most people when their mom dies
they don't get to look at them anymore.
But when you look at me
do you see her?
And I don't...
I don't really get why we don't talk
or nothin' like that.
Well, that needs to stop.
All right, what is she saying?
This is what I'm thinking.
"Sweet caresses and tenderness
is what most girls desire"
"But they can keep their mister cool"
"'Cause my man's so hot."
I remember when my mom died
the hospice nurses called us
and they said we had to go to her
me and my brother.
So we went over to her house
and she was there in a bed and
she was sort of in and out of a coma.
And... the hospice nurses say
you know, "you've got to go in there"
"and tell her that you're gonna
be okay you know."
And tell her that she can let go
and everything's gonna be all right.
So I went in there with my big brother
and we looked down at my mom.
And I said to my mom, I was like,
"Hey it's me. I love ya."
"I just want to let you know
that I'm okay"
"and you can let go
and I'll be fine"
"and you don't got
to worry about me."
And in that moment
my mom opened her eyes
and she looked up at me
and she said
"Baby, you're the golden one"
Which was awkward, 'cause my
brother was standing right next to me.
And she looked over at him
and she said, "And he's huge."
She didn't say that.
She died.
"You're the golden one."
That was the last thing
my mom ever said to me.
It's really a lot of pressure.
I was declared "the golden one"
and here I am flailing
in my adulthood
and... trying to connect the dots.
It's strange.
I left, went back to L.A.
and you know I thought,
well that was hell.
Life is a joke.
"I'm thirty right now,
but when I wrote this riff"
"I was twenty-two"
"it don't feel different
I'm no more articulate"
"than I was then"
"So fuck writin' these words, man
What's the point"
"These business guys
will just case the joint"
"And scoop me back up
into my miserable dreams"
"My naivety, man, it never fails"
"Tosses me an interaction
and watches me flail"
"Against the winds, how can
this end Without me seeming..."
"Unlikeable?"
"And I'm the captain
of so many pinking ships"
"My favorite songs
have started to skip"
"And when I sing
feels more like talkin' now"
"Was this ever a comedy?"
"I want to be irreverent and silly"
"So I wipe away the steam
and look at me"
"I'm just no fun"
"My mother's son"
"It's like a golden star
for every piece of my heart"
"That flounders on the ground
waiting for a respark"
"I'll over again with a new girlfriend"
"Or some new stupid fuckin' joke"
"I can't keep the plants alive, man
in my place"
"My ninety-nine Camry
is held together with tape"
"But that's okay
it still runs great"
"It truly does"
"And I hate gettin' real, man
But I want to cry"
"Every time I see a mom
whose still alive"
"Or a dad who smiles
at his baby boy"
"I'm too proud to admit
that I'm full of shit"
"When I talk about politics or music"
"That isn't some
Blink One-Eighty-Two record"
"So I guess I'm a philistine man
I had to look that up"
"so I could write it down,
just write fuckin' now"
"I did not go to college
I've never been to Europe"
"And my favorite film's
the Dark Knight. All right"
"Holy Little Beams
They all shot out of her seems"
"I felt alive with my dreams"
"And so dead to the fiends"
"I am the son"
"My mother's son"
"Watched the life
leave my mother's face"
"Decided right then
to leave that place"
"And never turn back"
"Because fuck it all"
"And oh, Mother
what can I do?"
"You've given me no choice
but to be better than you"
"Just wish you were here
to ask questions to..."
"Like, why do I feel the need
to always cut a fuckin' rug?"
"And why do I fuckin' melt when
someone gives me a fuckin' hug?"
"Do they want me here?
Do they want me here?"
"So what can I offer
but a little less space"
"In a room on the eastside
of Los Angeles"
"How bleak can I be?
How bleak can I be?"
"Well, I can dance and I can sing
and I can tell jokes"
"Don't get me tellin' stories
about my parents doin' dope"
"I'm not good at barely bein'...
Barely being anywhere"
"All right, I said
Youth feels incomplete"
"I still got grass
stains on my jeans"
"And I feel fucked
or so it seems"
"Yes, I've been deemed"
"the golden one"
"My mother's son."
"My big brother, Johnny, everybody."
"Sweet caresses and tenderness
is what most girls desire"
"But they can keep their mister cool"
"'Cause my man's so hot."
"He's hot."
"He's the one"
"He's got me burnin', burnin', burnin'
Under the sun."
"He's so hot. He's the one."
"He's got me burnin', burnin', burnin'
Under the sun."
Together, let's do it.
"Ain't no fever like he is"
"I'm burnin', burnin', burnin'
one-O-five degrees."
That's right. Everybody
"He's so hot. He's the one."
"He's got me burnin', burnin', burnin'
Under the sun."
"He's so hot."