Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend (2016) Movie Script

(techno music playing)
Play it, say it, say it, say it...
Play it, say it, say it, say it...
Woman: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Whitney Cummings!
I have to pee. I'm good!
What is up, bitches? Come on!
Thank you so much for being here.
I'm shooting my HBO special, no big deal.
This has been a dream of
mine for a very long time,
so thank you for being
here, for showing up.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.
You were getting ready,
you're like, "I'm going to Whitney's
dream come true, and I'm gonna...
"I'm gonna wear these seersucker..."
operative word: suck... "shorts.
"I just want her to look at
my scrotum the whole night
to let her know what I think
of her accomplishments."
You know, just that thigh.
You know, that weird part of your thigh
that just looks like a swollen vagina?
That's what I'm looking at.
Really appr... Thanks for shaving, sir.
And where's the camera.
Is there a camera in the...
And for you guys at home, if
you're watching this on YouTube,
fuck you,
Go to HBO Go, like an adult,
so I can get ten cents,
okay, out of this view.
(cheers, applause)
Thank you.
I'm wearing heels tonight, it's
the least you could fucking do.
I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy.
Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young?
Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s?
- 20s?
- Audience: Whoo!
That's what you do in your 20s, you "whoo."
Hold old are you?
- 27.
- 27.
Well, you're 30.
(laughter, applause)
Younger than 27?
- Woman: 24.
- 24! (laughing)
Yeah, life's about to fuck you up real bad.
I love seeing girls in their
20s. It cracks me up, man.
It reminds me of when I was in my 20s.
'Cause when I was in my
20s, I was such an idiot.
Like, when I was in my 20s, I
was the worst combination of...
I was arrogant, but I was also,
like, delusional, you know?
Like, when I was in my 20s,
I thought that I was a catch.
I thought I was funny
and interesting and smart,
but I wasn't. You're not.
Okay? It's just that guys want
to have sex with you, right?
So they laugh at your stupid jokes.
They listen to your boring-ass stories.
And then you start getting an ego.
You start thinking you're awesome.
Then you turn 30, and guys stop
wanting to have sex with you,
and then you're just left
with a terrible personality.
That's what happened to
me. I got enabled in my 20s,
now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just a... dick.
I'm the worst. I'm loud.
I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.
You know? But I think I got
confused about what guys like.
'Cause you remember there was
a rumor going around for a while
that men like strong women?
People would say that. They'd
be like, "Men like strong women.
Men like independent, strong women."
Yeah, no they don't.
Okay, I've seen porn.
Men like Asian schoolgirls
with duct tape over their mouths.
(laughter, applause)
That's what men like.
Literally, in porn they have
categories you can pick from.
There's a menu on the side. It's like,
college girls,"
there's no "CEO."
Guys aren't watching porn, like,
"Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah."
It sucks.
It sucks because I feel like I worked
my ass off to accomplish my goals,
to accomplish my dreams.
Now I feel like I have the best life ever.
I have the career I want,
but guys are not into that.
Guys aren't into self-sufficient girls,
you know, who are independent.
That's not a turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.
My dirty talk is not sexy.
I'm like, "Hey, wanna
come back to my house...
that I own?"
Not a turn-on.
Guys like girls to be,
like, vulnerable and coy.
Guy's like girls to be like "Mmm...
"I'm lost.
"Can you help me? Mmm...
Your dick's too big, it hurts. Mmm..."
It doesn't.
(laughter, applause)
I'm in my 30s. Nothing
fucking hurts anymore.
My lower back kind of hurts.
- (laughter)
- That's another...
That's a different story.
So, I don't know what to do, you know?
I can't stop achieving my goals, right?
I can't stop doing what I love.
So I feel like what I need to start
doing is when I meet a guy that I like,
I just need to acknowledge what
they find unattractive about me
and just straight up negotiate with them.
I'm gonna be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...
"I have a pool."
"I know I'm not adorable and
coy, but I can pay all your bills.
I can get you out of debt today!"
There's so much evidence in our culture
that you guys like tiny, fragile women.
You know, especially in our vernacular.
Even the fact that you guys call us "baby."
No one else think that's weird?
Especially in a sexual connotation.
Baby is the only socially
acceptable increment of age
you can say to a woman in bed, you know?
You can't be like, "Yeah,
bend over toddler, yeah."
"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"
I don't like it. I think it's creepy.
That's when a guy calls me
"baby" in bed, I'll be like,
And then I just shit my
pants just to make a point.
Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo.
Guys like girls to be babies,
and guys like girls to be bad.
Right? You guys like "bad girls."
So bizarre.
It always happens, you start dating a guy,
it's only a matter of time before
you're having sex and he's like,
"Are you a bad girl?"
I'm always like,
I pay my taxes on time."
And, also, I feel like before we
play this game of Are You a Bad Girl,
we should agree on a definition of
bad that works for both of us, okay?
I'm a comedian, my taste
is a little bit off.
If I was really gonna double down
on the bad girl game, I'd be like,
"Yeah, I'm a bad girl, I have
herpes and I didn't tell you, yeah."
- Man: No!
- "No"?
"It's not... That's not an
aphrodisiac, okay, right.
We'll circle back, I'll work on that."
Guys like girls to be babies,
guys like girls to be bad,
and guys like girls to be exotic.
Guys are into exotic girls now.
I know this because a girlfriend of mine
set me up on a blind date with this guy,
then she called me and rescinded the date.
She was like, "Yeah,
it's not gonna work out.
I found out he's only into Cuban girls."
I was like, "All right, I
can put on some self-tanner,
and drink out of a fucking
coconut. What do you want?"
And she was like, "No, it's
not about the skin color.
"He's not into Brazilian girls, he's
not into Spanish, it's just Cuban."
And I was trying to figure out like, what is
the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.
The only thing I could deduce is that
Cuban girls must be super fun to date
'cause they're super easy to impress
'cause they've never had
American products before.
So, he's like, "I got you a Coca-Cola."
She's like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"
Yeah, you guys have to read
the news to get that one.
I think it's gonna be harder
and harder for you guys
to find these kind of
weak, submissive women.
'Cause women aren't like that
anymore. Women are badasses now.
All my girlfriends are strong,
self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know?
And I... Here's the thing.
I think feminism is working,
but I don't know if you guys like it.
I think you guys are mad at us about it,
and it's coming out in nefarious ways.
Like, the way guys talk about
women has gotten more aggressive.
The way guys talk about having sex
with women has gotten super violent.
I was talking to a guy friend
of mine a couple weeks ago,
and he goes,
"I hooked up with this
girl the other night.
Destroyed that shit."
It's like, "Excuse me?"
He goes, "Yeah, dude, I
murdered that shit, bro."
It's like, first of all,
you did not murder her.
She's fine.
She's at home. She might
be a little disappointed,
but she's gonna...
She's gonna get through it. She survived
the wrath of your murderous dick.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
You did not kill her.
You might have given her
a urinary tract infection,
but she's gonna... She's gonna bounce back.
I don't think that's a healthy
way to talk about women.
And my theory is that
women have gotten stronger,
and as they get more self-sufficient,
you guys are getting more
aggressive towards us.
'Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys
didn't talk that way about women.
You guys would say, you know,
like, "I'm gonna tap that."
Right? "I'm gonna hit that."
Now it's like, "I'm gonna murder it."
I feel like in 10 years,
it's gonna be so disgusting.
Guys, you'll be like, "Hooked up
with this girl the other night.
"Scalped the bitch, bro.
"She's a full amputee now.
"Motherfucking no legs.
"Eats from a tube.
"My dick.
You know Helen Keller? My dick did that."
It's too much.
I don't think music is helping.
Music has gotten so rude towards women.
Have you guys heard the song "Fight Night."
No black people here? That's embarrassing.
Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica.
(laughter, applause)
Are you applauding? Like,
some kind of white power rally?
Don't applaud that!
Oh, God.
The song goes, "I'm
gonna knock that pussy out
like it's fight night."
That's a song.
There's another song that says
"I'm gonna beat that pussy up."
I'm like, I'm sorry, what did
our vaginas ever do to you?
Besides give you life
and make you feel amazing all the time?
How 'bout instead of beating
it up and knocking it out,
how 'bout maybe, I don't
know, giving it an orgasm?
I don't know.
(cheering, applause)
I would like to hear that song.
"I'm gonna make you climax, girl.
I'm gonna make you trust me."
I would like to hear that song.
I blame rappers.
It's not just male rappers,
female rappers are just as bad.
You guys know Nicki Minaj?
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?
I used to love Nicki Minaj.
But then I heard her talk,
and it wasn't good.
So, she sounded like such a hypocrite,
and I think she's a bad role model
'cause she was up there, and she was like,
"You know, men don't respect me in
the rap game because I'm a woman,
and people don't respect
me 'cause I'm a woman."
I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all.
We don't respect you 'cause
we can see your asshole.
Has nothing to do with the
fact that you're a woman, okay?
We respected Mary J. Blige just fine.
Here's my point.
I think that women should be
able to be sexy and glamorous,
and feminine and professional.
You could be a myriad of things.
But as you're getting
dressed for your album cover,
you also have to acknowledge basic
human nature and neurology, okay?
You have to acknowledge the fact that
men's brains are basically only designed
to look for holes.
It's pretty much all they're
doing at any given moment,
just scanning for crevices.
They're like gophers, just
looking for holes to get into.
Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.
Constantly adding them up.
So, sometimes we have to help you guys out.
You get very distracted by that, right?
When I look at Nicki Minaj's ass,
I think awful, terrible, shameful things.
I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet if I hit
that from behind that shit would pop."
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
So, I can't even imagine what
you guys are thinking, you know?
And here's the thing, I'm a comedian.
I want you guys to
listen to what I'm saying,
I want you to think I'm
funny, I want you to focus.
So, I'm not gonna do stand-up like this...
This is not the most effective
way to do stand-up, right?
I'm not gonna be like, "Hey, guys, did
you see that election coverage last night?
"Yeah!" No.
You can't focus because
if I'm standing like this,
you're either looking at my ass,
which you're not,
which is very insulting.
Is that your girlfriend?
Right there?
She... He goes,
Why, because you're not
allowed to look at an ass
that's two feet in front of your face?
I like her. She runs a
tight ship. I respect that.
He did not even look.
So regardless, you're
either looking at my ass,
or worrying about my knees, one of the two.
So, that's not the best position,
and I think that that's just
a hypocritical way to operate
because guys can't have
their dicks out, you know?
Like, male rappers can't
rap with their dicks out.
If I saw a male rapper with his dick
out, I wouldn't be respecting him either,
or listening to what he was saying.
If I saw a male rapper with his dick
out, I would be calling the police,
which is such a testament
to the nature of man.
That when a woman is naked, you're
like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"
and when a man is naked,
you're like, "There was a crime.
Something horrible
happened over there, guys."
It's an interesting time. We're
living in a fascinating time.
We're living in a time
where women have money, okay?
Which is... Do you realize
how new that is, right?
That's like 30 years old, or something,
and there's no blueprint
for how to operate,
and I think it's really
messing up the power dynamic.
Like, the fact that I can pay my own
bills, that's such a big deal for me.
I thought that making money
was gonna solve all my problems,
especially my relationship problems.
'Cause when I was in my 20s, I
had to date guys that had money
'cause I didn't have any.
But now that I make my own money,
I felt like it opened up this
whole new pool of broke guys
that I couldn't date before,
so I've been doing that.
They're much nicer.
And the last guy I dated,
I paid for everything.
I paid for trips, I paid for dinners,
and now that I've sort of been
the man in the relationship,
now that I've been in your shoes,
I now understand why you guys hate us.
It's 'cause we owe you
so much fucking money.
And something happens psychologically
when you start to pay for someone
where you start to hate them.
Start to hate everything
about them. You resent them.
You start keeping score
of everything they do.
One day he came home. He
was drinking a coconut water.
It's like, "Coconut water? What are
you, the queen of fucking England?
"How 'bout you drink out of the tap
like a goddamn man, how 'bout that?"
And then they nag you. They always
need something from you, you know?
He'd be like, "Do you wanna go to
dinner?" I'm like, "You just ate yesterday.
Do you have a tapeworm?
What's the problem?"
I feel like I now understand why you guys
are always so disappointed in us, too.
'Cause something happens when
you start paying for someone
where you start to get these high
expectations for their behavior.
Like, as soon as I started paying for him,
I started expecting him to
like, do chores out of nowhere.
Like, one night we went to
dinner, I spent $200 on dinner,
the next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,
it's 8:00 a.m., and I don't smell eggs.
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy's hungry."
It's tricky.
I also started noticing all these,
like, unspoken rules that happen
with the expectations based on who pays.
Like, the expectation if
the man pays for the woman
is that she's gonna
have sex with you, right?
But when I was paying for the man,
the expectation was I am
not gonna have sex with you,
and we're gonna stay up all
night talking about my dreams.
We're gonna read some
horoscopes tonight, bitch.
And then I saw, like, all the
insidious institutionalized sexism.
Like, every time we would go to dinner,
the waiter would automatically
give him the check.
And then he would fucking take it,
and then when the waiter would
leave, he would slide it over to me.
I was like, "Oh, hell no!"
If you take the check, you're paying.
You better find yourself
a Groupon real fast.
I also get now why people
stay in relationships too long.
Because money makes things stickier.
Like, I feel like I stayed in that
relationship three months too long
just 'cause I didn't want to
get a bad return on my money.
Because dating is such
a terrible investment.
Which made me think, like, I can't
believe we just run around spending money
on relationships that we
don't know is gonna work out.
It's a terrible investment.
I feel like there should be some kind
of insurance in place to protect us.
Like, I feel like dating should
be like checking into a hotel.
Okay, you and I are gonna start dating.
As soon as we start dating, you
have to put your credit card down.
Three months later, if
you want to break up,
I'll be like, "All right,
well, let's look at your bill.
Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or
you can't fucking leave."
And now that I've spent my hard-earned
money on someone that I never see,
I can't stand that it's just assumed
that you guys pay for everything.
I think that is so messed up.
I'm on your guys' side about this.
I think it's insane that it's just socially
constructed that you pay for everything.
I think that's nuts.
I actually think if you guys
take a girl to dinner three times
and you pay, and then you
never hear from her again,
I think you should be
able to call the police.
That's some bullshit.
I am very ashamed of how the
relationship ended, though.
I'm embarrassed about it, but I
think it's important to talk about.
I think I just lost respect for him
because he wasn't contributing
in any way financially.
Which is messed up because I feel like
women don't contribute to relationships
all the time, and that's okay.
But I think the problem is human nature.
I think for evolutionary
purposes, we are hardwired
to stop being sexually attracted to
men when they show any kind of weakness.
And I know this is true 'cause
one time I was dating this guy,
I was madly in love with him. Like, I
thought that we were gonna get married.
We're walking down the street,
and he tripped and fell.
And I instantly fell out of love with him.
I just... Like, I couldn't... Like,
I was embarrassed to even be near him.
Like, I was disgusted by him.
I think my primal brain was like,
"No, he is not a provider.
"He cannot protect you.
"He's a danger to you and the whole tribe.
The whole species is in trouble."
It's cold-blooded, man.
I love that women have
money now. It's so cool.
But I feel like there's still
this residual stereotype.
Even though women have money, there's this
stereotype that all women are gold-diggers.
You know, like all my
guy friends truly believe
that women want to have sex with
them, get pregnant with their baby,
and just take everything
for all they're worth.
Take them for all their... shorts.
I don't want your shorts.
Okay? I'm not interested.
I know that this is true,
'cause last year I dated a guy
who treated me like I was a gold-digger.
Backstory: First of all,
he did not have a job.
That's important.
The second is kind of graphic,
which is that something
happened to me when I turned 30
where I just could not use condoms anymore.
- I'd...
- (cheering)
Oh, okay. Well, that's really aggressive.
Just... troubling.
No, I think it's actually
because I got health insurance.
Something happens when you get health
insurance. It's very liberating.
I was like, "This is
Obamacare's problem now.
It's not my problem."
So, I said to him, I was like,
"Hey, I don't have anything,
so if you don't have anything,
let's just not use condoms."
And he's like, "Yeah, but I feel like
we should still use condoms, you know,
like, so you don't get pregnant."
I was like, "Oh, no. We're
good. I'm on the pill."
He was like, "Yeah, but the pill,
it's only 98% effective."
I was like, "I'm sorry.
"Do you think that I want
your broke-ass fucking baby?
"You think I'm scamming
to get your shitty kid?
"So I can take you for all you're worth?
"What am I gonna take,
your fucking roommates?
"The five grown-ass men you
live with in a studio apartment?
"I'm not a gold-digger. I'm
the one with the gold, dummy.
"Okay, trust me, if I got
pregnant with your child,
"my lawyer would come over, and they
would... terminate that shit himself, okay?
We're good. We're fine."
I don't want a white baby. What
am I gonna do with a white baby?
That's embarrassing.
I'd like to think I'm a little
more successful than that.
Brings me to a topic I'm
very passionate about,
which is birth control options
that are available to women.
I can't believe that we don't have
better options for birth control.
They all drive me crazy. What are you on?
- What are you taking?
- It's an IUD.
You have an IUD. Come up
here, we're gonna take it out.
I hate this product.
Is yours plastic or metal?
- Plastic.
- Yours is plastic.
Okay, well, she's got a McDonalds
toy in her body right now.
Most of them are metal, some are plastic.
Most of them are a little piece of
metal they put inside your uterus.
I'm like, I don't want
metal inside my body.
I don't wanna be going
through airport security
and having the guys behind
the x-ray machine like,
"Oh, look at this slut coming through.
"This bitch had to put
a tin can up in there
to stop all that sperm."
No, I don't want metal in my body.
What if there's a storm?
"Guys, I can't make it
tonight, it's raining."
I hate this product.
Mostly because, like, they would
never develop that product for men.
That would never be a
product on the market for men.
Right? You and I would never be dating,
and you'd be like, "Babe, what
should we do for birth control?"
I'd be like, "I have an idea.
"How about we take a metal rod
and put it up your dick hole,
"and leave it there for about five years,
or until it gets infected.
Is that a good idea?"
I hate this product.
And it has like, three
pages of side effects.
I can't believe that they release a
product with three pages of side effects.
I'm like, "Go back, it's not ready."
I looked at the side effects for the IUD.
It was like migraines,
abdominal pain, and depression.
I was like, "I might as
well have a fucking kid."
What about you? What are you up to?
The pill. Do you know which one?
This fucking generation, man.
They don't even... They'll just
put anything in their mouths.
They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."
You don't even... Do you know
what color the box is, at least?
- It's pink.
- It's pink.
I hate that. That drives me nuts.
Like, that is so... Everything
about the pill is insulting to me.
The fact they make the
box pink. The pill is pink,
as if all women just like, love pink.
And if the pill being pink
affects your decision of whether
you're gonna take it or not,
that means you're 10 years old and you're
too young to be on birth control anyway, okay?
Second of all, if you want me to remember to
take my pill every day, don't make it pink.
Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies.
I can't stand the pill.
I actually just read this
article about how the pill works.
Basically, the way the pill works is it
tricks your body into thinking you're pregnant.
Your brain starts producing the
same neurochemicals and hormones
as if your body is pregnant, you know this.
You watch Oprah. Good girl.
And then you start being
attracted to more alpha males.
Their pheromones start smelling stronger,
and you're attracted to alpha males,
the kind of man that could
protect your future offspring.
The problem is that in modern times
alpha males are signified
by tattoos and motorcycles,
which explains why I've been dating
such assholes since I'm 15 years old.
The way that it works is that
I meet a nice, sensitive guy
I want to share my future with.
I start taking birth control to plan it,
and then all of a sudden, I only can
have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray.
That's not fair.
And it's an example of how biology has
not yet caught up with modern technology.
It's the 21st century, I don't
need an alpha male to protect me.
We have street lights, okay?
We have alarm systems. I
don't need an alpha male.
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can
google "Can I take Xanax while pregnant?"
That's my baby's father.
Okay? I don't need a big,
strong man to fight off a tiger.
I need a geek who can get my
naked photos off the cloud.
I hate the pill.
Everything about the packaging
of the pill is so insulting.
Like, even the fact that it's the only
medication that comes with a calendar.
Like we're too stupid to remember
to take our pill every day.
The guys that developed it are like, "They
can't handle taking their pill every day,
"so let's make it look
like a tiny advent calendar,
"and we'll trick them into
taking it. They'll be like,
"'Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"
I feel like the calendar's
actually for you guys.
'Cause I know you guys like, go and
look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning,
and you're like, "Oh,
Wednesday's empty, thank God."
They put so much effort into trying to
make sure we don't forget to take our pill.
Like, they make a patch.
Have you heard of the birth control patch?
It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder
that administers the medication for you.
It's like, can you imagine
getting a girl naked
and seeing a giant patch?
Like, "Ooh, she's slutty
and she has a bad memory.
That's wifey material.
Put a ring on that shit."
So, I told my doctor I didn't want
to use birth control pills anymore,
and she was like, "Oh, well, you
should use the morning after pill.
You know, the plan B pill is
now available over-the-counter."
I'm just like, "How lazy can you be?"
The guy's like, "Do you have
a condom?" I'm like, "Ugh.
Let's just deal with it in the morning."
Which, by the way, we're not
gonna deal with it in the morning.
I'm the one that has to deal with it.
I'm the one who has to wake up
at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line.
And you realize the
morning after pill is $49?
I have never had sex with a guy
and the next morning been like,
"Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks."
And it's not just 50 bucks 'cause you
can't just buy a morning after pill alone
or the cashier's gonna think you're a slut.
So, you gotta buy a bunch of other
products to put on top of it to hide it.
You know? You gotta crowd it
with like, Q-tips and floss,
and a bunch of other shit
you're never gonna use.
What else is there? Am I missing anything?
NuvaRing? That's not
still happening, is it?
NuvaRing? What are you doing?
The pill. What kind? Do you know?
You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?
That's some '90s shit. I
was taking that in the '90s!
Bitch, you are loyal. I like that.
Are you still on AOL?
Jamming out with a Walkman, she's
like, "Unh!" with her CD, "Mmm."
- NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?
- Woman: Yes!
Yes, okay. Let's... Do
you have it in right now?
- Yes?
- Yes!
Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just
wanted to get a visual, thank you.
I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys.
I just... To me, the
NuvaRing, that is just proof
that doctors get stoned out of their minds
and just start brainstorming
ideas for women's birth control.
They're like, "Oh my God,
oh my God, I have an idea.
"What if we took a piece of tupperware
"and made it in the shape of our dicks
"so when we're having sex we can,
like, play basketball with our dicks?"
They'll be like, "Yeah, two
points! Two points! Two points!"
The only logical explanation for that.
I know a lot about birth control right now
because I recently had to
do something kind of cool.
I have an announcement to make.
Do you guys want to hear it?
Audience: Yeah!
Last month I froze my eggs.
I always love this reaction from people.
'Cause the women always
clap and the guys just panic.
Like, they just... They think
they're in trouble or something.
Which is so weird to me because I thought
guys would love that I froze my eggs.
I thought I would be,
like, the sexy, awesome girl
who doesn't want to get pregnant right now.
But no, it's not hot.
It's not an aphrodisiac.
Guys aren't into it.
You can't be hooking up with a guy and
he's like, "Hey, do you have a condom?"
I'm like, "Don't worry, boo, my
shit's on ice down by the airport."
Guy's aren't into it.
Maybe it's 'cause you guys don't
know what it is? That's what I think.
Do you know what it is?
No idea.
Just based on the words egg freezing?
Just freeze 'em? Just freeze 'em?
Just... That's... What's that move?
Just freeze 'em.
You mean, like...
They're not in my freezer.
It's not like a freezer drawer.
Just put 'em in the fridge.
Just... You know what this guy is?
Just based on your response to that,
you seem like you're, like,
"literal guy," you know?
Like, everyone's dated literal guy.
The guy who in an argument
just sticks to the facts.
You're the guy who's like, "No,
I didn't say you were a bitch,
I said you were being a bitch."
And then you're like, "Shit,
I gotta regroup. Hold on."
What about you? Do you know
what it is, egg freezing?
Yes, you do? What?
Cryopreserve your eggs.
Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs.
That was good. You've been
watching some weird porn, obviously.
Yeah, so basically, I just realized
that most guys don't know what it is.
I found this out because
the week that I froze them,
I had to be on bed rest for a couple days,
and I had to cancel a gig.
So, I told my agent can you tell
the manager I need to reschedule it.
I go to the reschedule date,
the manager runs up to me,
he's like, "Are you okay? I
heard your ovaries were removed!"
I was like, "Okay, let's
just talk about this."
So, essentially, you freeze your eggs
if you want to get pregnant at
some point, but just not right now.
Like, I'm not ready. I would
like to have a kid at some point,
but I'm not responsible enough yet.
I still leave coffee on the
top of my car like twice a day.
I should not be a mother right now.
And biology is again completely backwards.
Like, it's ridiculous to me that a
15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily,
but a 45-year-old
woman can't.
Like, I have never met a
15-year-old girl and been like,
"You would make a great mom.
"Love your Instagram selfies.
I think you're ready to be
responsible for a human life."
No. And all my girlfriends in
their 40s are fucking awesome.
They're all like superheroes,
they can do anything.
I have a girlfriend the
other day had a splinter,
she ripped it out with her teeth...
like it was nothing.
I have a girlfriend, she's 45,
she can return things at a store
without a receipt.
That's like some Jason
Bourne shit right there.
I'm really glad that I did it.
I feel like it took off all this
pressure that I had on me, you know?
Like, I realized before I froze my eggs,
there was just this
constant inner monologue
that was like, "Is this the
guy you're gonna be with?
If not, you have to
move on to someone else."
And I felt like I had to
accomplish all my professional goals
by the time I was, like, 35.
And it was just in the back
of my mind all the time.
Like, I'd be in traffic, and
I'd be like, "You guys, let's go!
"I'm rotting from the inside!
"We gotta move, okay?
Uterus is molding, let's move!"
I feel like you guys will
never understand that pressure
because you guys don't have that clock.
Guys can have kids as late as they want.
Clint Eastwood had a kid
at like, 70 years old.
Robert De Niro had one at like, 68,
which is so weird to me.
The idea of having a kid at 68 years old.
That's like being like, "I really want
a kid, but only for, like, 10 years.
"And I want to be deaf
for most of it. That's..."
I'm so glad I did it. It
took all this pressure off.
Like, I used to be this stress
case, now I'm just chilling, man.
So easy.
Like, my agent calls me up,
he's like, "Where's that script?"
I'm like, "I don't know, I'm high as fuck.
"Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man.
'Cause I'm watching 'Game
of Thrones' again today."
Hey, camera.
I... Thank you.
You freeze your eggs
for a couple of reasons.
If you want to postpone having kids,
also if you want to get
a surrogate at some point,
which I'm kind of obsessed with
the idea of getting a surrogate.
It's like you hire a woman
to carry your kid for you,
which I really want to do at some point.
But I feel kind of guilty about that idea
because when you get a surrogate,
you're essentially, like, asking another
woman to do your dirty work for you.
It's like, worse than
a guy getting a hooker.
'Cause when you get a hooker, you guys
just want to use a woman's body for an hour.
I want to use it for nine months,
and totally wreck it.
I'm literally gonna destroy that shit.
Not nice.
I just feel like I would like my kid
so much more if I didn't carry my kid.
Does that make sense?
Like, I totally support
those toddler and tiara moms.
I think those kids should work.
I think they should have to tap
dance to pay for all the damage
they did to those poor women.
Although I feel like if you
have a surrogate have your kid
you can't control the
kid as well. You know?
Like, the way my mom used
to guilt me into doing things
was she'd be like, "I
carried you for nine months."
I'd be like, "Oh...
That's a good point."
But if, like, I had a
surrogate, what am I gonna say?
I'm gonna be like, "I had to
drive 10 minutes to pick you up.
Traffic was a nightmare."
Yeah, it's not as good.
When you freeze your eggs, the doctor
asks you if you want to get a donor,
like a sperm donor.
Because if you want to
freeze embryos, you know?
Like, basically it's if you freeze an
embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg,
and I was like, "I don't have any sperm
available in my house at the moment."
So, he's like, "Maybe you should get a
donor." And I wasn't really ready for that,
but I got super obsessed with the kind
of person who would become a sperm donor.
So, I went online and I
was, like, on the donor site.
You'd think that sperm donors
were complete losers. Not true.
In order to be a sperm donor,
you have to be at least 5'8."
I was like, I'm sorry, what
shallow bitch was 45 years old,
not married, no options,
goes into the sperm bank, is like,
"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.
"I'm gonna get on Farmers
Only and take my chances.
Fuck that weirdo midget."
And in order to be a sperm donor,
you have to have at least
four years of college.
I was like, I don't want my sperm
donor to have four years of college.
'Cause if you have four years of college
and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,
you're a drug addict.
And if you don't have four years of college
and you're jerking off into a cup for $100,
you're an entrepreneur
and I like your hustle.
You can be my baby daddy any day.
- Man: I will!
- You will?
I'm good.
Got me into some trouble.
I got cheated on.
Has anyone been cheated on?
Okay, well, you've all been cheated on,
just so you know.
Sorry you have to find out like this.
I fond out in the stupidest way.
We were at a movie theater and I
dropped my phone in between the seats.
So, I asked him if I could
use his phone to call my phone.
I'm holding his phone
for maybe eight minutes.
He gets three different text messages
from a girl he had programmed in his phone
as "Sandylicious."
Think about this. Really think
about how hot a girl has to be
for a guy to take the time to program
in that long of a fucking name.
He was like,
"S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I..."
And you know that shit
autocorrected like six times,
so he had to go back to the beginning.
"S-A... Still worth it...
So, I had to confront
him about it. I was like,
"Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious
texting you at midnight on a Friday?"
And he goes, "Oh, she's my friend."
Why don't you just punch me in the tit?
It would be less insulting
to my intelligence.
Like, I'm just curious, has that
ever worked in the history of time?
Has any girl ever been
jealously freaking out
and the guy was like, "Oh, she's
my friend," and the girl was like,
"Oh my God, I am so sorry!
"I was totally overreacting.
"Go back to texting
your bro, Sandylicious."
No! I have a lot of
guy friends in my phone,
none of them are programmed
in under "Joey smooth dick."
That's not my friend.
We're not friends.
I feel like you guys don't know this.
It's also so obvious when
you're getting lied to by a guy
'cause you guys all lie the same exact way.
You guys need to have a meeting,
or start a chatroom or something.
Because you know you're
getting lied to by a guy
because he will repeat the
question you ask him in the answer
to buy time to make up the lie.
So, I'll be like, "Hey, where
were you till 3:00 in the morning?"
"Where was I? Until 3:00?
"In the morning?"
It's like, can you just make up your
lie in the car like an adult, please?
Can I at least get that respect?
And you know you're getting
lied to when a guy goes,
"Ugh, well... Well, what do
you want me to say right now?"
You want me to make up your lie?
How lazy can you be?
And then you know you're getting
cheated on when a guy goes,
"Well, what's your definition of cheating?"
I'm like, "Uh, if you had
fun without me, you cheated.
It's very simple."
Another announcement to make, which is...
being cheated on now is extra hard for me
because when I was in my
20s, no one ever admits this,
but when I was in my 20s, I cheated.
Now's your time, girl. Live it up.
I was... I cheated in my
20s because I was an idiot.
I was insecure and I was worried
the guy I was with was gonna
leave me for someone else.
Who cares the reason. The point is
getting cheated on now is even worse
because I know what you're
doing because I've done it,
and you're gross.
I used to do the shadiest
things when I used to cheat.
I used to program guys' names
in my phone as other things
so the guy I was dating didn't
know what was going on, you know?
And then he's be like, "Hey, why is Bank of
America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?"
"That is weird.
"You know, they've really
stepped up their customer service.
"They really wanna make
sure my check clears.
I am gonna thank them in the morning."
He's like, "All right, well, why did
Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?"
"That's disgusting.
We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!"
I don't know if, in general, as
a society we're getting grosser,
or if the Internet's just
bringing it to the surface,
but I just think, in general,
there's a movement towards perversion
that feels new to me.
The first thing that made me
think this was a couple months ago,
I went on a date with a guy,
then we went on a second date.
On the second date, he
asked me if I could squirt.
Let's talk about it.
Look, first of all, I do not squirt.
Just so you know, I am not a
squirter. I am not squirting.
I am not a squirting lady.
I don't know if I'm just dehydrated?
If I need more Gatorade in my life?
I'm not squirting, okay?
I mean, if you want, I will compromise,
and I will pee on you.
I'd rather not, but if that's your thing,
I'm sure I could fashion some pee.
I'm gonna have to turn on
the faucet. I'm not into it.
Here's the... This is new.
This is a new thing. Five years
ago, I never heard about squirting.
Okay? Five years ago, I feel like
Ithe gross, taboo thing everyone
wanted their girl to do was anal.
It was all about anal, right?
Now anal's just like... You
just have to do that now.
It's not even weird anymore.
It's just, like, on the menu.
It's not just for birthdays
anymore. It's happening.
Which, I do not think that's okay. I
think we need to make it weird again.
I think we need to make it taboo again.
This is how I know anal
sex has gone mainstream.
I have a girlfriend, she has
a daughter who is 16 years old.
She goes to a Catholic school,
and she said her girlfriends in
the Catholic school at 16 years old
are now having anal sex
instead of regular sex
so that they don't technically
lose their virginity.
Right? Have you heard of that?
My thing is if you're having
anal sex at 16 years old
to stay right with God,
I have news for you.
There is no God.
Get a new religion, 'cause
your God fucking hates you.
No. No. Stay away from
my butt. I have a house.
I have worked too hard.
That's my point. You guys
are getting ungrateful.
You guys have lost sight of the fact
that our bodies were perfectly designed
to have sex with you, anatomically.
Whatever you believe in. Say, it's
evolution or God. Say you believe in God.
God perfectly designed the
female body to have sex with you.
Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement.
Boobs here if you want a little...
The head moves back and forth in case
you don't want to look at her face.
God thought of everything.
And then God was putting the
female body together and was like,
"Ugh, there's this other hole.
"It's a terrible hole.
"Horrible things come out of it.
"It's awful.
We can't put it in the front or else
men would never have sex with women."
God's like, "You know what I'm gonna do?
"I'm gonna hide it.
"I'm gonna put it in the back
"in, like, a ravine.
"I'm gonna put big pieces
of fat on either side of it.
"He'll never even know it's there. She
can walk away naked, he'll never see it.
"It's genius. Genius!
"The female body is complete."
Cut to God looking down now.
A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."
God's like, "Oh, my God!
"How did they even find it?
"I hid that thing pretty well.
They're animals!"
No. Uh-uh. Nope.
Nope. Nuh-uh.
No. Not squirting. Nope.
We're starting a movement here
tonight. Hashtag no squirting.
Get it going.
No. You know why? It's...
You guys are pushing it now.
You're ungrateful, you're
spoiled, and you're pushing it.
Like, do our bodies not
do enough amazing things?
Enough miraculous things?
We can make a life. We can get
pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies.
We can give you orgasms. Now
you want us to put out fires?
It's too much.
That's too much.
And I'm a pretty slutty person.
The fact that there's something
I won't do, that's bad.
That is off the grid, okay?
I'll do anything. I will literally
do anything 'cause I'm fun.
I am fun.
I'll do anything. What do
you want? Spank me? Great.
Go for it. I will try not to laugh,
but go for it.
Choking, that's the new thing.
Everyone's gotta get choked now?
Choke me. Great. Choke me.
I'll even throw in a little "Ehh..."
I'm fun! I'm fun.
But you're pushing it now, okay?
I'm not squirting. Who has time for that?
Okay? I'm not gonna clean up squirt. No.
I have a job. I don't have time for that.
You gotta go to Home
Depot, you gotta get a tarp,
you gotta put the tarp down. My
bedroom looks like Dexter's garage.
I'm not living that way.
Was sex not awkward
enough before squirting?
Do you remember the
awkward talk before sex?
Used to be like "Hey,
do you have a condom?"
Now it's like, "Hey, do you have a ShamWow?
Shit's about to get crazy."
You don't want me to squirt.
You do not want me to squirt
because if I could squirt,
I would use it for evil all the time.
Any time I was in my boyfriend's car,
I'd be like, "You sure you
want to text that girl back?
I didn't think so."
I'm worried. I'm worried for
the next generation of boys.
'Cause now guys in their...
Teenage kids, they watch porn now before
they ever actually see a naked woman.
Before they ever actually have
sex, they're watching porn.
And they think that's gonna happen.
They think that women are just
these human Bellagio fountains,
just squirting constantly.
They think they're gonna walk into that.
Remember our generation of boys,
they would show up to lose their
virginity with like, a rose.
Now kids show up to lose their virginity
with just a snorkel, an umbrella,
just flippers.
It's not healthy.
It's all just escalated
way too far, way too fast.
Do you remember, like, the good
old days, like our generation,
we used to have, like, first
base and second base, remember?
It used to be like first
base was, like, kissing.
Remember? Second base was,
you know, hand up the shirt.
Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme.
Now, like, first base is just sex.
Second base, squirting.
Third base, gangbang.
A home run, he just takes you out in the
alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body.
It's a war zone out there, man.
'Cause one day, you guys will
become desensitized to squirting.
One day, that will be boring to
you, and then what are we gonna do?
We just gonna have to pull out our
intestines and throw 'em in your face?
It's not good.
I think we ought to draw a line.
We gotta just take it down.
It's getting too intense.
It's like every week you guys come
out with a new way to humiliate us.
You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now.
You guys wanna squeeze
our boobs and fuck 'em?
What are you doing?
What guy was ever having sex
with a woman and was like,
"Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh.
"I wish I had another one
that was completely dry.
I know what to do."
No, that's my heart, you idiot!
Get your dick off my heart.
You guys have gotten spoiled.
You have too many options.
That's the problem, you have too
many options. You guys are like...
It's not
I'm a human being.
I have feelings and dreams.
And parents.
You guys are pushing it.
It's getting more... Like, I just feel
like you never come back from that,
having a man's...
torso in your...
I feel like one day, one day
I will be a mother, right?
Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing.
One day I will be a mother. I
will be holding my beautiful baby,
I'll be looking down at
my beautiful baby's eyes,
we'll be having this
beautiful mother-daughter bond,
and then I'm just gonna have a flashback
to just a dick just a dick, just a dick...
It's not how I wanted
motherhood to go down.
Excuse me, I have to fix my
hair after my dick hit it.
You guys are getting desensitized,
and it's like, I feel like you guys
are getting more violent towards us, also.
It's like, the new thing you guys
want to do is the gagging thing?
Is that sexy to you?
(resumes gagging)
You into that, sir?
You into that? Is that your thing?
You like that, Internet?
If you're into that, just go to jail now.
You're gonna end up there eventually.
What, you want to put your
dicks in our throats until we...
That's where I breathe out of. You
wanna fuck my oxygen supply now?
Is that what it's come to?
Do you even like me? Should I leave?
Like, what is the psychology?
The psychology of it is like, "Yeah,
my big dick's gonna make her gag."
You know what else makes
me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.
It's not that big of a deal.
I asked a guy friend of mine about this.
I was like, "What's up
with the gagging thing?
What's happening with the gagging thing?"
He goes, "Oh, gagging's awesome
'cause it makes the girl cry."
I thought guys hated it when we cried?
Now I know when guys leave
the room when I'm crying.
They're going to the bathroom to jerk off.
I don't like it.
I just think about all this
and I'm like, you know what?
I just feel like women,
we're always the ones
having to do the gross, kinky,
nasty, tricks in the bedroom.
I feel like you guys need to come
up with a couple fucking tricks.
Thank you.
I will strike a deal with you, okay?
I will learn to squirt
if you teach your dicks
how to blow bubbles.
Thank you guys so much for
coming out to the show, everybody!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Hi, cuties!
Thank you!
First and foremost...
I just want to say thank
you so much for coming out.
It's always been such a big dream
of mine to have an HBO special,
so this is a very big deal for me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Um, and I would like to dedicate
this special to my father
who is right now going through something.
Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much.
And, as promised,
I will now take some pictures with you guys
because I know that the only reason you
guys came here was to get a fucking selfie,
and you haven't been
listening this entire show,
and you're just trying to figure
out how this is gonna benefit you
and your Instagram feed.
So... (laughing)
So, what we'll do is you guys
can put your phone in selfie mode.
I think you probably know how to
do that, you live in Los Angeles,
all you do is take selfies.
So, hold it up and I'll
get in the background of it.
So, uh, let's do it.
Thank you, guys. I love you.