Whitney Cummings: Mouthy (2023) Movie Script

Of all the days to start losing my voice.
So, and maybe it's better that way,
so I'm not too yelly on stage.
Can you pop that?
Can you pop this one more time?
Yeah, they're here to see you.
Oh really?
All right, we going?
Adjusting the light.
Oh, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?
I can do this.
One more time.
Are you ready?
I know what to do.
Please welcome to the stage
world famous comedy star.
She's shooting her sixth comedy special.
Her name is Whitney Cummings!
All right, we'll see.
Coldies, bros are my guys
Nobody fly, know that it's ride or die
I keep them by my side
CGI, never gonna roll with ice
No rush to move on, pushed them to move on
Peace and love then to peace and gloves
No, you gotta do it right now
Oh my god!
That body!
Cat calling a pregnant lady, is that your thing?
I am seven months pregnant, so...
So sorry you have to watch me do standup in a leotard,
but this is just where we are.
You know, no one told me that when you get pregnant,
you can't do my two favorite things,
which is smoke weed and get Botox.
Which by the Botox thing is like, I'm not like trying
to look like a young pregnant lady or anything.
I just I date men in LA.
I have to get Botox,
so I look interested in what they're saying.
I have to be like, "Cool, yeah.
"Please tell me more about how on your ayahuasca journey
"your shaman told you you should be polyamorous.
"Yeah, please tell me more
"about how you go to Burning Man a week early
"but don't vote.
"Oh yeah, I'd love to see your tattoo that says breathe."
"Oh yeah, yeah, please continue your lecture
"about how your life coach told you not to eat pussy
"'cause it's not a complete protein."
The weed thing I actually had to give up weed
way before I got pregnant.
Was getting a little outta hand.
Has anyone had to quit weed yet?
Yeah? What happened?
You had so much shame in the way you did that.
I'm fascinated.
So you had to quit weed?
But you kept the mullet?
I feel like on the list of things to remove from your life,
it's a little outta order.
Why'd you quit weed, sir?
I didn't wanna keep freaking the fuck out.
Yeah, so did you quit just cold turkey?
I rest my case.
Has anyone else had to quit smoking weed?
Yeah, what happened?
I donate my eggs.
You donate your eggs?
How much money are you making donating your eggs?
20 grand.
You make 20 grand every time you donate your eggs?
Is this 'cause you're Asian?
Can I just say what we're all thinking?
I don't think white bitch eggs go for that.
It's 'cause you're Asian?
I fucking knew it!
Well, congratulations on that.
I can't say anything else about that or I'll get canceled.
Anyone else quit weed?
Yeah, ma'am?
You do not look like you quit weed.
You look like you just started with that jacket.
You can't be wearing a tie dye blazer
and tell me you just quit weed.
I had COVID and I was smoking
and then I was having heart rate issues.
Went to the doctor, they could find nothing wrong with me.
They told me I just had anxiety.
And then I couldn't go to the doctor and that was it.
Is this what it's like to be a man dating a woman?
Like, I just...
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
I have to apologize to like 12 exes after that.
I was like, "Oh my god, that's how I was."
No, please continue this...
New personality.
You got a new personality and this is the one you picked?
I have had a baby and I stopped while I was pregnant.
You've had a baby?
Okay, where's the baby?
Well, he's chilling right now.
He's chilling.
All right, well I feel better.
I feel like if you're a mom, I'm gonna be fine.
I'm like...
I'm gonna be good.
No, I quit smoking weed way before I was pregnant,
'cause I started getting weirded out
at how insane my algorithm started getting.
Like, I would wake up
and my discovery page on social media was all videos
about how the Disney castles are made of dicks.
Dude, if you get high enough,
"The Little Mermaid" is a gangbang,
and it will ruin your childhood, dude.
And then I started being like,
"Why is my algorithm so crazy?"
So I started like looking the next morning
at what my like Google searches were the night before.
I would get so stoned
that I would Google the first couple words of a question
and wait for the menu to come down
so that I could see the most popular versions
of that question.
I got so stoned, I got to Googling "do midgets?"
Which I know we're not supposed to say that word.
I know.
I would only say midget stoned.
When I'm sober I use the appropriate term for them.
What is it now?
Little darlings?
What is it?
I'm not scared of you.
Little people!
Little people?
Don't you think that's so, that's way worse.
I feel like a lot of times the new term is more insulting.
Like, you're just like a little person.
Like, it's rude.
No, but I think it's important
that you know the most popular questions about midgets.
This is important, dude.
Number one, do midgets bite?
Two, do midgets smell like cabbage?
Three, do midgets have night vision?
I'm definitely not the only person
that needs to quit weed, you guys.
I had a rock bottom
when I was really high one night in my house
and someone broke in,
or at least I thought someone was breaking in.
Like, I heard the door open.
I was like, "Oh my god, someone's breaking into my house
"and I'm alone."
And my idea of how to handle it was pretend to be asleep.
I got in my bed, pretended to be asleep
while I thought someone was burgling me.
I fell asleep pretending to be asleep.
Woke up the next morning, and I was like,
"Oh my god, last night I got so high I thought someone broke
"into my house.
"I must be going crazy, right?"
I was like, "No one broke into my house."
Walk into my closet, ransacked, okay?
All my jewelry was gone, everything.
I call security.
Security comes over my house.
We look at the Ring camera
and find out the person who had robbed me was me.
Okay, look at the security footage.
You hear me off camera grabbing all my jewelry,
throwing it into the entryway and yelling,
"Here's my necklaces!
"Good luck untangling them!"
I'm already outta breath, so that's good.
I did get pregnant naturally at 40 years old, which is-
I don't know, let's...
I'm convinced it's a vaccine injury.
I got the Johnson and Johnson,
so who knows what's even in here.
I mean, if you get pregnant on the Johnson and Johnson,
what comes out?
Just actual baby powder?
I mean, that was their product.
It's just gonna be a powdered baby.
The crazy thing is that when you're 35 as a woman,
they start calling your pregnancy geriatric.
Which is so messed up.
I had this 70-year-old male doctor
tell me I was having a geriatric pregnancy.
I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry
"that I waited 'til I was a mature adult to get pregnant.
"I'm sorry that the appropriate age for women
"to get pregnant in the medical community is
"at prom in a toilet."
I am so glad that I waited to get pregnant.
If I had got pregnant even a year earlier,
I would've sold the baby for Taylor Swift tickets,
so this is like best case scenario.
It's so annoying that we're at our most fertile
when we're at our dumbest.
Like, I've never met an 18-year-old girl and been like,
"You would make an amazing mom.
"I hear it's great for the fetus
"when the mother ingests a Tide pod for a TikTok challenge."
No matter what age you are though,
everybody thinks you're an idiot when you're pregnant.
I have people come up to me,
they just give me advice like totally unsolicited.
The main advice I get is you gotta have a lot of sex
in your third trimester.
Does anyone feel like a lot of this advice was made up
by a doctor in the '50s while high fiving the husband?
It's like, "Have a lot of sex in the third trimester.
"Also, anal helps you lose the baby weight."
"And blow jobs prevent birth defects."
People just come up to you
and start telling you the wildest shit when you're pregnant.
Women come up to me
and just start admitting their secrets to me.
They'll be like, "You know, you're pregnant.
"I drank my entire pregnancy."
"And my kid is fine.
"I mean, he's a little short,
"but, you know, the helmet adds a couple inches,
"and he finally stopped thinking he's a balloon."
Women will also tell you the exact dimensions
of their vagina.
Women come up to me with the biggest smile on their face,
and they'll say the most horrific shit.
They'll be like, "Oh, you're pregnant.
"That's so great.
"I tore four inches, and they sewed me up
"and now I can finally sneeze without pissing myself."
Women talk about their vaginas after childbirth
the way people talk about damage to buildings
after a hurricane.
They'll be like, "A couple walls were blown out.
"One of the floors still isn't usable,
"but should be dry in a couple months."
People keep warning me about postpartum depression.
I'm not worried about it.
I got ahead of it by having prepartum depression.
It's a trick no one tells you about.
When you look up postpartum depression,
it says there's no known cause.
They don't know the cause.
Are there still no female doctors?
I'm not a medical professional,
but I feel like I can take a stab at this who done it.
Postpartum depression, what could that be caused by?
I don't know, by both of your holes becoming one hole
and then a tiny vampire gnawing on your tits
until it looks like you got shot in the chest,
and then you start balding,
and none of your cool friends will talk to you.
Am I a doctor?
I'm having a boy baby.
Having a little boy.
Thank you.
I'm sexist too.
No, but I wasn't like obsessed with the gender.
Like, some people like need to like have parties
about the gender.
Like, "I gotta have a gender reveal party."
You're a psychopath if you're having a,
two people have died in gender reveal parties.
Hundreds of thousands of acres.
There's been two forest fires at gender reveal parties.
At this point, the only person crazier
than the person throwing a gender reveal party
is someone who attends,
'cause at this point you're just getting an invitation,
and you're like,
"Yo, wanna see a pregnant woman catch on fire this weekend?"
I live in LA, so I get an invite to a gender reveal party
every month for the same kid.
I'm not scared.
I'm not scared of this.
Not one bit.
I feel like I can't even ask a pregnant woman the gender
of her baby.
Like, if you're in California,
you ask a pregnant woman like,
"Hey, you having a boy or a girl?"
They're like, "Uh, Whitney.
"The baby will tell us its gender when it's four days old."
All right, I don't know.
I'm confused.
I don't know.
It's all a little bit over my head, I guess.
That seems like some rich person shit to me.
I grew up poor.
When you grow up poor,
you're whatever gender your older sibling was.
I wore a hockey jersey to school 'til I was like 12, okay.
I identified as a goalie.
I don't know if that's still one of the words.
People get so scared to talk about this.
I'm trying to figure out if you guys are clamming up or not.
I'm not scared of it!
We have to be able to talk about it!
It's amazing to me.
This topic has like torn our country apart.
The trans drama,
that is like completely tearing our country apart, dude.
We've gotta solve the transgender drama
if for no other reason
that I can't have another conversation
with one of my guy friends about high school girls sports.
Does anyone have that guy friend who's like,
"Did you hear about Connecticut?
"It's two trans runners in Connecticut High school.
"They win."
I'm like, "Yeah, I didn't hear about this
"because I'm pretty sure it's illegal
"to follow high school girls sports."
"If you don't have a child who goes there.
"No, I don't get my news from the Connecticut High Gazette.
"How would I know about this?"
I'm literally at the point where I'm like,
"Do we just let these bitches play?"
I mean, was women's sports going so well?
Is that such a profitable business model?
God forbid we sell one fucking ticket.
God forbid!
One dunk in a game.
I'm allowed to joke about this.
I'm a female comedian.
It's the same as being in the WNBA.
People don't wanna see us either.
And if I got busted for weed and thrown in a Russian prison,
none of you motherfuckers would come get me.
You'd be like, "That's probably good for her.
"She's been getting a little mouthy."
I just feel like this issue is also like the epitome
of what's wrong with our country today,
which is that as soon as someone starts complaining,
we automatically take the side of the complainer
without considering who's doing the freaking complaining.
Dude, think about who's complaining
about the trans athletes, dude.
It's the runners and the swimmers.
The fucking losers.
With no friends, dude.
I played basketball in high school like a man.
We transitioned boys in the hallway between every period,
'cause we had championships coming up.
Be like, "Hey, Kyle, put this wig on.
"You're Kaley now.
"Your point guard.
"Get in the fucking game!
"They have a home court advantage."
Does anyone wanna win anymore?
Who cares how?
I'm literally at the point I'm like,
if you don't want trans athletes in the Olympics,
you're not a patriot, and that's just a fact, okay?
How do you think we're gonna beat China
with some white bitches from Connecticut?
Are you insane?
I know people get scared to talk about this.
They just kissed and did a shot.
That was adorable.
Is that part of your love?
You just kiss and take a shot?
It's our anniversary.
It's your anniversary.
Yeah, but this is my day.
This is actually my day.
It's my day.
Not your day.
I'm sorry you're the first man
to ever remember an anniversary that's ever fucking existed.
No, no, no.
It's not your anniversary, so you just lied.
Okay, for a second there I thought you were gay.
You're straight again.
First thing you said was a lie.
Okay, we're back.
So it is your anniversary?
It's not your anniversary?
It was a month ago.
It was your anniversary a month ago.
That was a while ago.
But this is your, what did you do?
Did he forget?
It's just a continuation.
It's just a continuation?
You're still celebrating the anniversary?
How bad did you fuck up?
What did you do?
I gotta know what he did
where he's still trying to celebrate an anniversary.
How tiny is your pussy?
How long have you been together?
Married for officially a year.
You're married?
Don't clap. Don't even.
Don't you dare.
There's something up here,
and I'm gonna find out what it is.
You guys all know this is fishy.
Is your wealthy father sick?
Like, what's happening?
If you touch her again, I'm literally calling the police.
Just came here to throw your love at me.
All right, well I'm pregnant with some guy's baby.
Now what? Now what?
You jealous?
He's gonna kill you.
It's fine. It's fine.
I can't wait to see the documentary.
I'm all in on this.
What was I talking about?
Trans people?
Oh god, I think I'm gonna give birth.
If you make me give birth, I swear to God.
I think it's important
that a woman talks about the trans issue,
'cause mostly men talk about it.
You guys are obsessed with this issue.
I don't know why you've taken this issue on.
You're like,
"What are we gonna do about the trans swimmers?"
There's like four of 'em.
You guys can just ignore it if you want.
You're like obsessed with it.
"Let me watch footage of them swimming!"
No, but I do feel like you guys are taking this issue.
I just wanna take this issue off your plate.
You know, you guys don't have to worry about it, okay?
The trans women are not your problem, okay?
These bitches are our problem now.
They're coming for our men.
They're coming for our trophies.
Do you really think we're gonna let this shit slide?
Does that sound like us?
We just solve problems a little differently
than you guys do.
You're like, "Get 'em outta the game!
"They can't play!"
That's not how we solve problems over here.
What we will do is we will befriend them.
And slowly destroy them psychologically.
Over time 'til they have no self-esteem left.
They'll quit on their own.
We have plans for entitled bitches with no cellulite
who try to take our shit.
You think we're gonna let them take our trophies?
Get the fuck outta here, dude.
We'll get Tanya Harding out of retirement if we need to.
Now I'm not scared of trans people,
not scared of talking about it.
I also do have some trans friends,
which I didn't sign up for.
They just love me.
Trans women will come up to me in public
and just start talking to me.
I think it's 'cause they think I'm trans, which is fair.
I do give off the vibe like I have hormones from Tijuana
in my purse at all times.
But when you know enough trans people,
you know some of them are cool
and some of them are annoying,
just like any group of people, you know?
Like, I know tons of cool trans people,
but like I know this one really annoying trans woman.
She's always trying to get on my podcast.
She'll call me, she'll be like, "I need to come on
"and talk about how hard it is to be trans."
I'm like, "Give me an example."
She's like, "Well, today on Instagram,
"this guy I don't even know called me
"a lying, unfuckable whore."
I was like, "Congratulations, your transition is complete."
You're one of us now, bitch.
Get used to that shit.
Also, maybe lose the stiletto heels.
Women don't dress like that anymore.
We dress like bull dykes now.
Catch up.
If you wanna transition to a woman in this day and age,
you're gonna have to dress like one of the boys
from "Stranger Things."
So how about you head to Costco,
get yourself a maroon hoodie,
and then I'll be able to understand what I'm looking at.
Why do you look like Jessica Rabbit?
We're at Chipotle.
I don't know, maybe lose the cat ears.
I don't know.
She's like, "Whitney, that's not funny.
"You can't make fun of us.
"This has been a hard year.
"Dave Chappelle made fun of us."
Dave Chappelle, he's one of the best comedians in the world.
Okay, he can say what he wants.
Also, if you're upset about what Dave Chappelle said
about trans women,
wait 'til you hear what he's been saying about women.
For the past 30 years.
You're really gonna lose your shit.
I just think the cool trans people,
you don't hear from them.
They're not on Twitter yelling at everyone.
Like, I have a girl friend, super cool trans chick,
and I didn't know she was trans when I met her.
She doesn't like bring it up.
You would actually never know she was trans.
But every now and then you just like know.
Like, we went to the mall to return some Christmas gifts,
and she backed into a parking space.
Nailed it. Nailed it.
I was like, "Bitch, I fucking saw that."
Your balls are showing.
Do you want me to tell you?
You don't get to just keep all the things
that were cool about being a guy.
She's very cool.
She doesn't try to argue with me about stuff.
But when you have a trans girl friend,
you do realize how often you say the word dude,
which I'm not, I just say it.
Like, when I get excited, I'll be like,
"Dude, look at this video."
Or like, "Dude, check out this meme."
And like she'll be cool 'til like the fifth or sixth one
and then she'll snap on me.
She'll be like, "I am not a dude.
"I'm a woman, and you need to identify me as a woman."
I'm like, "Okay, no one's disputing the fact
"that you're a woman based on the fact
"that you just lost your shit over
"absolutely fucking nothing."
But also I was just in your bathroom, and on your bathtub,
I did see a sliver of Irish Spring soap.
Looked like it had been there for like 15 years.
I tried to pick it up, wouldn't even budge, so...
Why don't you pick a fucking lane?
Also, you forget my birthday every year.
You have more transitioning to do.
No, she's cool.
Like, she lets me joke with her.
She has a sense of humor.
I just don't think we see,
you know, we don't see that a lot.
And like I joke a lot about it.
I think we should be able to joke about anything.
This is America.
But I also don't wanna be ignorant, you know?
And then also anytime I do get facts about this issue,
none of it adds up.
So I've just started going to my friends
to try to educate myself.
I'll go to my friends that are suspicious of trans people.
I'll be like, "Hey, can you please educate me?
"Why should I be on your side?
"What's the problem with trans people?"
They'll be like, "Well, they're fast."
It seems to be the main issue at the moment
is they're just like fast as shit, which is a little spooky.
And I go to my trans friends and I'll be like, "Educate me.
"Why should I be on your side?"
They're like,
"We get murdered disproportionately in the streets."
So you guys, are they fast or not?
Anyone know?
Doesn't add up.
I was talking about that on stage recently
at a different comedy club.
And I was walking to my car and I hear behind me,
"Whitney, you think it's funny that we get murdered?"
And I'm like, "Here we go.
"About to get my ass kicked by a trans bitch."
I turn around, she's waiting for me.
Betty Boop ready to fight me.
She's like, "You think it's funny that we get murdered?"
And I felt awful.
Like, I felt terrible for the first time.
I've been doing comedy 20 years.
For the first time in my career I apologized for a joke.
Dead serious.
I was like, "I'm so sorry.
"Like, I'm a comedian.
"I just want you to get everything
"that you have worked so hard for.
"I hope you get your heteronormative dream
"and find a straight man to marry you and move into a house
"and get murdered by your husband in 30 years
"like the rest of us."
And either way, you're getting murdered.
Like, that's kind of, you're getting murdered.
I'm so sorry you have to find out this way.
If he can't have you, no one can.
And also no one's told them the truth yet, you know?
It's like, 'cause if you've been a dude
and now you're a woman,
like dudes don't tell each other the truth.
You guys do not give each other honest feedback.
That's why you have that haircut.
That's why you've got Hawaiian shirts.
That's why you guys have goatees.
Like, women, we give each other the fucking truth, you know?
You know how like in every girl group,
there's one girl who's chronically single,
but in her mind it's 'cause all men are trash.
But she has a license plate that says "that bitch."
Trans people have the same shit.
There's always one girl
that thinks everything is transphobia.
Like, I was at this party, it's a bunch of trans women.
There's this one blaming everything
on the fact that men are transphobic.
She's like,
"That guy won't talk to me 'cause he's transphobic,
"and he won't talk to me 'cause I'm trans.
"And he's transphobic, and he's transphobic."
And I was like, "Bitch, maybe it's you.
"Maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that you're trans.
"This is a party in Los Angeles,
"I happen to know that every man in this room
"is closeted gay."
"I happen to know that every man in this room
"would love nothing more than to blow a woman
"with a dick in the parking lot after the show.
"I happen to know the guy sitting
"next to me DMs trans women after one NyQuil.
"One NyQuil's all it takes.
"How bad is your personality
"that you're probably great at hand jobs
"and you can't get pregnant
"and he still won't hook up with you?
"It's you!"
All right.
All right.
Let's all just calm down.
No, it is interesting that with the trans stuff,
it's just like, it's all anyone talks about.
But I feel like it's mostly trans women
that people talk about.
There's trans men too, but no one cares.
When you guys hear about trans men, you guys are like,
"Oh, a woman that decided to live her life as a man.
"Well, that's just smart."
"I fucking love that guy, dude.
"That guy's fucking awesome.
"Come here, buddy.
"Get over there, man."
A guy came up to me after a show recently, and he was like,
"Hey, with the trans stuff, you wanna know,
"you wanna know why men are so scared of trans women?"
I was like, "Sure, I'd love to."
He's like, "They bring up our biggest fear,
"which is being tricked."
"I mean, imagine hooking up with a girl
"and then later finding out that she has a dick."
First of all, if that's your biggest fear,
all you're doing is admitting you didn't even attempt
to eat pussy.
You didn't even try, okay?
Didn't even try.
Had you attempted to pleasure her in any way,
you would've found that shit out.
Number two, how did you find out later?
You woke up the next morning, you're like, "Ah!"
"Oh no.
"Oh no.
"That was not a thumb.
"It wasn't a thumb."
"What's all this sticky stuff?
"What's all this?
"What's all that?"
No, I'm gonna do something
that no one has the balls to do anymore.
I'm gonna defend men.
Not you. The rest of them.
I think that men's weirdness about trans women boils down
to an instinct that actually is a very honorable instinct
that you guys have and the wires are just crossing.
Like, men are wired if for nothing else
than to be loyal to a team, right?
You guys will root for a losing team for 30 years.
It's heartbreaking.
It's devastating.
You'll be like, "This is our year!"
It's not your year.
You know it's not your year, but you're loyal.
And I feel like to you guys,
the trans women boil down to someone who was on your team
and they defected to the opposing team.
And they're gonna give the other team a bunch of secrets
to help them defeat your team.
Like, I feel like to you guys, trans women is like a dude
that was like in the locker room with you,
you know, with your team doing some super straight behavior.
You know.
I know about that. I know about that.
And to you a trans woman is like in the locker room
with you guys, and then sneaks out, puts a wig on,
goes into the women's locker room and is like,
"All right, bitches, what do you wanna know?
"I'll tell you everything.
"First of all, they jerk off all day.
"If you want them to marry you,
"be nothing like their mother,
"but remind them exactly of their mother.
"If they get mad, put on 'Die Hard.'
"And they have all tasted their own cum.
"Anyway, let me show you where they hid the cameras."
Oh my gosh, okay.
I think that's enough talking about trans people.
Let's talk about drag queens.
God, the country's obsessed with gender all of a sudden.
I was working in Canada for a month,
didn't see any American news, came back in when I was done,
every article, every headline was like drag queens.
There's drag queens reading books.
There was a Catholic school
where drag queens were reading books to kids.
They kicked the drag queen out.
I don't know.
Was the priest feeling competitive that day?
I guess I just would've loved to hear that conversation
when they kicked out the drag queen.
They're in the corner.
They're like,
"All right, the guy in the miniskirt has to go.
"The guy in the long dress gets to continue living here
"and can do whatever he wants.
"And if we can't agree on a solution, we'll go to court
"and it will be decided by a man in a gown."
Like, you're all wearing dresses in this scenario,
which is unfair.
I feel like it's backwards.
I feel like the only people that should be wearing skirts
and dresses that don't are dudes.
Like, you guys are the ones that need like a kilt
or something.
You're still wearing pants.
You run everything
and you're still wearing these stupid pants.
I'm reminded every time I have a meeting with a man.
The fact that we've normalized this is so wild.
You sit across from a man in a meeting.
You sit down, they sit down.
What am I looking at?
We've just normalized you doing what?
And I know it's urgent 'cause it's timed out.
There's like a...
What are you doing?
You're jiggling your balls into the tent?
Like, what is it?
Making room.
Your making space for your dick and balls at work?
It's 11:00 AM.
Okay, you don't want it to get stuck?
To what?
Okay, so are you trying to get,
'cause we need, I think that we deserve to know.
I think women deserve to know.
I believe when I'm at work,
I deserve to know what you're doing with your dick
and how you're jiggling it.
So are you trying to get it in the tent?
Can you stop doing that?
Creating some room.
You're creating some room.
Okay, so you get it up in the tent.
All of it?
I just need to know what I'm dealing with,
'cause sometimes in a meeting a guy'll cross his legs
and I'm like, "Well, now where is it?"
Is it just sitting on your lap?
Is it all just like a bird's nest, just perched?
Or does it ever go down?
Does it ever go down?
Does it ever go down?
It goes down.
It goes down?
Gosh, if you're in a meeting with a guy wearing pants,
you gotta get up.
You gotta get up before he gets up.
Or else you're gonna have this happen in your face.
You're gonna get the this...
Beg your pardon?
Did you just jiggle?
Jiggle your balls in my face at my job?
What is that?
You're unsticking them?
You see nothing wrong with that?
Yeah, it's got to be.
It's gotta be.
Okay, well...
After a meeting I don't go
I kind of feel like if we can wait to dry off the sweat
on the metal rod holding our tits up giving me tetanus,
you can maybe hold off on doing the Shakira with your balls
for a couple minutes.
No pressure.
No, I don't know.
I feel bad.
I feel bad criticizing men and your pants now,
'cause your bodies are changing so much now.
You're all just ripped.
You're all just like, look at that.
What's your body doing?
You're all just doing the CrossFit.
What are you doing?
You doing the burpees?
Doing the sauna?
Guys are all just like, look like Popeye now for no reason.
What do you do?
Is it in case you run into Joe Rogan, you're just ready?
Like, in your minds, you're gonna run into Joe Rogan.
He's gonna be like, "Hey man, sick body."
Why are you guys working out so much?
Like, who's this for?
I don't know how to break it to my guy friends.
Like, no one's drafting you.
Like, "Nah, nah, I gotta get in shape to go to war
"in the YouTube comments."
Like, what?
It's not even just athletes anymore.
It's just like all men.
I'm like, I don't need my enterprise rent a car guy
to be in ketosis.
Like, you stink.
Like, I don't need my TSA guy to have cauliflower ear.
Like, why does my Applebee's waiter have a prolapsed anus?
Like, why are you all bleeding?
The guy that I'm dating does CrossFit.
He wakes up at 6:00 AM
to practice a bunch of skills no one's needed
for 2,000 years.
He comes in, he's like,
"Hey, I just pushed a tire up a sand dune."
I'm like, "Cool.
"Could you just get this printer to print?"
"At any point this year?"
He'll work out,
and then he'll have to go rest his legs after leg day,
and he'll be on his phone for like hours.
He'll just be scrolling on his phone.
I'll get insecure because I'm like, "Oh, he's into fitness.
"Maybe he's like looking at some fitness model,"
and I'll get jealous and I'll snap.
I'll be like, "Hey, what are you watching on your phone?"
He'll be like, "David Goggins' morning routine."
Like, so you're watching another man exercise?
I don't know what to do with that.
Why can't you just cheat on me like a normal fucking guy?
I don't know how to feel about the fact
that you're David Goggins' insecure girlfriend.
Like, "Hey David, what time did you wake up?
"Send me a video.
"Need to see proof.
"Oh, you had a smoothie.
"Okay, how many blueberries was in it?"
No, I know David Goggins very sacred to you guys.
I really try to support his David Goggins obsession.
So every now and then during sex, I'll yell, "Stay hard!"
Cums every time.
If you're a dating guy who works out a lot,
you relate to the nightmare of having your whole kitchen
covered in a thin film of protein powder.
Just everywhere.
It's everywhere.
How are you guys putting the protein powder
in the blender exactly?
You just with two hands just pick it up.
Just do the LeBron.
I just feel like I used to understand men a little better.
Now I'm just baffled by all of you.
'Cause remember there used to be two categories of men.
Remember there were the jocks and then there were the nerds.
And then recently you guys merged.
Into the same guy.
You all just merged into one giant dork.
You all need steamed chicken,
and you just talk about science constantly.
You gotta lecture us on bro science.
You're like, "Yeah, we need to tell you the biological basis
"for what happened in tribal times."
And every lecture always leads
to why you should be able to cheat on us.
It's always like...
"You know, technically monogamy's not natural, you know?
"'Cause in tribal times we evolved to have penises
"that are curved to scoop out the semen of the competitor."
"So, you know, technically we are supposed to be out there
"fucking and scooping and fucking and scooping
"and fucking and scooping."
"But I guess I'm just here with you."
I'm like, "Cool.
"Okay, let me just get this straight.
"So you don't believe in monogamy,
"but you do believe in invisible money?"
I know this is always very upsetting to men in shorts,
but I don't know about the crypto you guys.
I feel like you guys already had fantasy football.
You don't get to have fantasy economy.
Did no one find the timing of crypto to be a little shady?
As soon as women started making money, you guys were like,
"Ah, money's over."
"So sorry."
I'm like, "No, it's not.
"Money's not over.
"I just started making money.
"This is real money."
"Sorry, sweetheart.
"That's gonna be toilet paper in a couple years."
"The new money's an invisible code in the sky.
"Good luck finding it."
And you guys won't even explain it to us,
so that we can figure it out.
Every time a guy explains crypto to me, I get more confused.
As far as I understand it's just astrology for men.
It's like, "My Ethereum coin's in retrograde."
I'm like...
"So am I paying for dinner?"
It's been funny to watch you guys get paranoid.
Like, you guys started getting paranoid.
Like, crypto was 'cause you were like suspicious of banks.
You know, like same guy
who puts tape over his computer camera.
Did you do that?
I asked him.
I was like,
"Why are you putting tape over your computer camera?"
He's like, "Because I don't want them
"training artificial intelligence on me."
You think they picked you?
You're the guy?
Like, you're the guy?
There's a celebrity in here.
Like, honestly, if they picked you,
I feel so much better about the robots not taking over.
'Cause they're all just gonna be walking
in a circle like this.
It's been funny watching you guys get paranoid.
Like, a couple years ago you guys found out news was fake
and you lost your shit.
Like, women always knew news was fake.
Like, we've always been lied to, like Photoshop and shit.
A couple years ago you guys found out news was fake,
and you were like, "What? Uh-uh.
"No one lies to this guy."
Is anyone dating a guy who does his own research?
Can't even just have a normal conversation.
Can't just make small talk.
I'll walk in, I'll be like,
"Hey, what happened in Ukraine was crazy."
He's like, "Where'd you read that?"
Like, "I don't remember.
"I think like Twitter."
He's like, "What outlet?"
Like, "I don't know.
"Can't remember."
He's like, "All right.
"I'll look into it."
You're gonna look into it?
All right.
I'll wait here.
Don't let me stop you while you go do a journalism.
Five minutes later he'll be like,
"Oh, I just texted you the truth."
I have the truth in my, holy shit.
And then you get a link where you're just like,
"I just know that's a bad link."
You ever see a link
and you just know like I shouldn't click on that?
It's just like the dots are in the wrong place.
It's just like too many X's or something.
I'm like, "I can't."
He's like, "I'm telling you that's the truth."
I'm like, "Shit."
You go to the link, it's just like you go to a website
where every borderer is an ad for a fleshlight.
You're like, "Ah...
"I don't think the news is in here.
"I don't feel like the news is in Times New Roman font.
"It's a single space.
"This a GeoCities?
"I don't know what I'm looking at."
A minute into reading it, you get a popup ad
where Elsa from "Frozen" is blowing Shrek.
You're like, "Um..."
"I think I'd rather be dumb."
I'm very passionate about being up to date with the news
as long as it's free.
Anyone else see one paywall and you're fucking out?
The headline will be like,
"Are we going to nuclear war with Russia?"
I'll be like, "Holy shit, are we?"
For 18 years of The Wall Street Journal?
Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
I'll wait 'til Alex Jones tweets the truth for free
like a real journalist.
Recently there was a hearing on aliens.
There's for sure aliens on our planet!
But none of us know anything 'cause we all refuse to pay $2!
You guys are fun.
I was worried.
I was worried to shoot a special.
You know, people always tell me, they're like,
"Being in comedy, you can't say anything anymore."
Which is, I don't know, kind of true.
But you guys have been cool.
You guys let me yell about trans people and drag queens,
and I actually feel way worse
for my friends that have corporate jobs.
I feel like that's where you really get silenced.
Does anyone have a corporate job?
What's your job, ma'am?
Head of Diversity Equity Inclusion.
Director of Diversity Equity and Inclusion.
So the buzz kill.
No, that's important.
That's a very important job.
So Black History Month,
you're like the white woman who's like, "Guys."
"Black History Month."
During Black History Month,
do the Black employees have to come to work?
They do?
Shouldn't Black History Month just be like,
you guys get the month off?
We're sorry.
Any other corporate jobs?
I am.
Okay, she's ready.
Okay, let's see.
Okay, you got a good one for me?
I work for a biotech company.
Okay, great.
Involved in operations
of basically supply labs with...
I'm actually helping humanity.
You're actually helping humanity?
So am I.
Are you implying that me yelling about dicks
for OnlyFansTV is not helping humanity?
But so you, wait, so what, how do we...
Know what you're saying?
It's very complicated.
It's very complicated, yeah.
I wouldn't get it.
Do you get it?
Does the Asian girl get it?
Do you get it?
She doesn't even get it.
And people pay double for her eggs.
What about you, sir?
What do you do?
Can I ask?
Making steel.
You make steel.
See, that, I understand what that means.
I get it.
That I get.
Okay, you just make steel.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Ah, I love a man that just, oh yes, the oh...
That is hot to me.
Just you got the thing and the fire.
You ever fucked a pregnant girl?
You have?
I said, "You have?"
He went, "Of course."
Do you have a kid?
Okay, you.
See, I love talking to people that have corporate jobs
'cause you guys are like cool and normal,
but I feel you're not allowed to say anything at your job.
All my friends that have corporate jobs we'll hang out.
They'll be like, "Oh, I was just at work today
"and like you cannot say anything anymore."
I'm like, "What do you mean?
"Of course you can.
"You're like a manager there.
"Say whatever you want.
"This is America."
They're like, "No, no, no.
"There's this 22-year-old in our office."
"And she says she feels unsafe."
I'm like, "Okay.
"Fire that bitch."
What's the confusion?
We're gonna let 22-year-olds tell us how to live?
First of all, she doesn't feel unsafe, okay?
22-year-olds, they're not afraid of anything.
They're doing fentanyl off strangers' buttholes
that they met on Bumble two nights ago.
She's fearless.
They're driving off cliffs to get Pokemons.
They're fine.
He's like, "No, no, no, no.
"I can't say anything.
"Tomorrow we have to go to human resources
"to talk about it."
I'm like, "Fire the human resources person
"who thinks that's a,"
I obviously don't know how corporate structure works,
'cause to me the solution is so obvious.
It's like get rid of all the 22-year-olds.
Like, hire some 65-year-old bitch named Rita.
Rita feels safe everywhere.
You can hug Rita as long as you want,
as long as you don't mind getting a purple nurple
because she is a prankster, okay?
She loves a big hug.
She can't even feel it.
She's wearing a sports bra.
She has one giant titty.
One giant titty.
Just like a mound of sand.
Rita's not causing problems.
She's not alienating the employees.
All the employees are down at her cubicle.
They're all dancing, hanging out
'cause she plays R Kelly and Michael Jackson.
She plays the hits.
Rita's not causing problems.
She solves your problems.
When your wife calls, she's like,
"Hey, your wife just called.
"Do you want me to tell her you're
"in a business meeting again?"
"She'll believe it.
"She's such a retard.
"I got this."
But Rita's oddly more woke than anybody in the office,
'cause she's just very literal.
She's like, "Wait a second.
"He went from a man.
"Now it's a woman.
"Great, we get to pay her less.
"This is perfect."
You guys have been so awesome.
Thank you so much.
Coldies, bros are my guys
Nobody fly, know that it's ride or die
I keep them by my side
Like, I don't ever know what...
Weed, geriatric, Tide pod, burgled, dickhead, crypto.
Set list or suicide note?
You decide.
I can't forget to say that properly.
Ethereum's in retrograde.
Ethereum in retrograde.
It bothers.
Why is it that women are the most fertile
when we're at our dumbest?
Most fertile.
That premise doesn't even make sense
'cause I couldn't say it right,
and everyone's like, "You seem pretty dumb now."
You seem pretty dumb.
Like, I have a rebuttal.
I was like...
18-year-olds are all fertile when they're dumb.
You before.
Yeah, it drives me nuts that we are our most fertile
when we're at our dumbest.
I've never met an 18-year-old and been like,
"You'd be an amazing mom
"Hear it's great for fetuses
"when the mother ingests Tide pods for a TikTok challenge."
It's too wordy.
I am losing my voice.
You kind of settled in
halfway through the second one.
Someone said on the last show,
"Your voice got clearer as you got angrier."
What do people think they're doing?
I don't know.
The things people think are advice.
It's like, it's not raspy enough to say something about,
I feel like, but I am losing my voice.
Look, I'm ready to give the Reddit trolls what they want.
Mute me.
I can't believe I wore something I can't do that joke in.
The literal whole joke hinges
on me being able to do that, you know?
And I was like, just like fingering myself trying to do it.
I need to really grab it.
Do I have like puffy crotch?
You can't see there's like a line there?
You can't see that line?
Well, that's your V line.
People work out for that.
Kevin will tell me the truth.
Do I have a puffy crotch through here?
No, I looked.
'Cause I was like, "Is that the right thing to wear?"
And I was like,
"At least she doesn't have a puffy crotch."
Why am I wearing this?
Does it look bad on camera?
No one tell, no, uh-uh.
It doesn't look bad on camera.
And because it's all black,
in color, you can crush it and not see any depth change.
You think a man would tell a pregnant woman,
"Hey, that looks bad on you," in this climate?
In this economy?
In this economy?
In this economy?