Whole Nine Yards, The (2000) Movie Script

I need money.
Yes, it is a lovely morning.
Sun is shining,
the birds are chirping.
Only dentist I know
who can't make money.
Oh, really?
What about her father?
As a dentist, my husband
was very successful.
It was just that other stuff.
There's a word for that stuff.
Speaking of which,
how much do you need, dear?
Five should probably do it.
Thousand? For what?
Your father would be proud.
I'll see what I can do. In the
meantime, ladies, have a lovely day.
I would, if you do me
a favor and die.
Excuse me.
Are you threatening me?
I didn't think so.
Look, I changed my mind, okay?
Yes, I'll get you your money back.
Morning, doctor.
Good news, Monsieur Boulez.
We won't have to pull the tooth.
All we have to do is drill.
-No drill.
-No drill?
No drill. I hate the drill.
So just gas me, pull the tooth out,
and we'll still be friends. Okay?
A hamburger and fries.
I'm gonna have a hamburger
with no mayonnaise this time.
-No mayonnaise?
-No mayonnaise. Not at all.
She'll put mayonnaise on it.
Mind if I say something?
Leave the bitch!
-Excuse me?
-Your wife.
Leave her. Find somebody else
and just start over.
Oz, look, I know it's
none of my business.
I know I've only been working
for you for three weeks.
But I'm telling you what I see.
Your wife is not a good person.
You expect an argument?
So why do you torture yourself?
Just divorce her.
I can't afford to.
She'd take me to the cleaners.
I'm already paying her father's debt.
So she'll just ride it out
till Daddy's debt gets paid.
She's just charming.
She can't help it. Her mother....
What's a nice way of...?
Well, she's the Antichrist.
You'd be doing the world a favor...
...if you'd just have her whacked.
You know somebody who'd do this?
Present company excluded?
Or do you want me to name a price?
You should talk to my wife.
You'd make a fortune.
-What makes you say that?
-Life insurance.
I'm worth more dead than alive.
Dining room.
Take the plastic junk off of there.
Can you move any slower
than this, fellas?
You must be our new neighbor.
I'm Nicholas Oseransky. Call me Oz.
Jimmy Jones.
Have we met before?
Are you sure?
Yeah. I'd remember.
I got a thing with faces.
That's weird. You look so familiar.
Where are you from?
Where do you want this?
Upstairs, back bedroom.
What were you saying?
You all right?
You sure? Because you look
like you got some gas.
Well, I had a hamburger for lunch.
They put mayonnaise on it?
Can you tell me why they do that?
Every red-blooded American knows...
...that the only condiment
you ever put on a hamburger...
...is ketchup!
Or maybe some of that special sauce
you like so much here in Canada!
Which has a little mayonnaise
in it too.
I swear to God, when they slop that
mayonnaise on, I could kill somebody.
I really didn't wanna upset you.
Who's upset? I'm just having
a conversation here.
I'm gonna go home.
-Feel better.
-Thank you.
Thanks for stopping by...
...welcoming me to the neighborhood.
Pack up! Pack it up, we're leaving!
I just bumped into our new neighbor.
You know who that is?
I suppose you'll tell me.
Jimmy "the Tulip" Tudeski.
And that means something?
Jimmy the Tulip was a hit man
for the Gogolak gang!
The Hungarian gang back in Chicago
that ran the North Side?
And that guy, Jimmy, was
Laszlo Gogolak's key enforcer!
Sophie, the man's killed 1 7 people.
Why the stupid name?
"The Tulip"?
That's his flower of choice.
It's what he sent
to his victim's funerals.
-I wonder why he's here.
-Hiding out, most likely.
He ratted out Laszlo Gogolak.
Now Laszlo's spending his life
in prison.
Jimmy only got five years, and Dave
told me he refused Witness Protection.
Protection? From...?
I'm sure Laszlo's son, Janni,
wants to put one of those...
...you know, a price on his head.
You mean a contract?
A mob contract?
Feeling better?
Yes, thank you.
Good. Let's go for a drive.
-A drive?
-Yeah, a drive.
I don't know anyone else in town.
I figured we could go for a drive.
You could show me the sights,
you know.
It won't kill you.
-So I take it you're not Canadian.
-Only by marriage.
-Where you from?
Not "Chicago" Chicago.
I was born there, but I don't really
know anything about Chicago anymore.
Totally oblivious to anything
even related to Chicago.
I'm from Jersey.
New Jersey?
Yeah. New Jersey.
If you're from Jersey,
you're from Jersey.
Jersey's another place
I know absolutely nothing about.
-You always this nervous?
Like everything else
that's wrong in my life...
...it all started
with the little missus.
Back home, her father and I
ran a dental practice together.
-You're a dentist?
-Afraid so.
You suicidal?
Why would you say that?
I read that dentists
are prone to suicide.
Jimmy, I may hate my life,
but I certainly don't wanna die.
Get used to it
because you're going to.
I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna strangle you!
Everybody dies.
Sooner or later. Tulip?
So you were saying
your father-in-law....
Well, ironically, he was a suicide.
Stats don't lie.
He got caught molesting a patient.
An underage patient.
An underage male patient.
Please, stop.
I know.
So this kid starts to blackmail him.
At the exact same time, the IRS decides
to investigate him for tax fraud.
So big Aaron needs money, and fast.
So he goes to a loan shark...
...takes out a loan against
our company...
...which I had no idea about...
-...then proceeds--
-To hit Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno.
Loses all the money and sticks you
with the bill. Am I right?
You are right. That's exactly right.
So after the ensuing scandal
and bankruptcy and embarrassment...
...my wife and her mother decided it
would be best that we move back here.
You like living in Canada?
No, I live here with my wife.
You sure you're a dentist?
Yeah, why?
I've never met a dentist I liked.
Well, I try to keep things
as painless as possible.
Me too.
It's been good.
I'm glad we got to know each other.
You know what? Me too.
-You can go now.
Yes, dear?
Thank God you're home.
Thank God I'm home?
I had an idea. I figured out a way
we can pay off Daddy's debt.
You're getting a job.
Our new neighbor.
There's a price on his head?
Your plan is you'll
murder our neighbor?
Here's what you're going to do.
You're going to Chicago...
...you're going to find out who's
offering this price on his head--
Jimmy Tudeski's head?
Then you'll tell them
you know where he is...
...after you negotiate
a finder's fee.
A finder's fee on a murder contract.
Is that a problem?
Other than the fact that would
make me a party to a murder?
But he's a killer.
You said so yourself.
That's another good reason
not to do it.
Whatever he's done, he's been to
prison, he's paid his debt to society.
Well, now he can pay our debt too.
All right, look, I know this
is gonna sound crazy...
...but I spent some time
with the guy today...
...and he's pretty nice.
And besides, he hasn't done
anything to me.
-He came on to me.
He came on to me!
That animal, he made a pass at me!
Earlier. This morning.
Before you came home.
He said you guys haven't even met.
Who do you believe?
A killer or your wife?
Do I have to answer that?
Let's say...
...that he did make a pass at you.
The guy's been in prison.
He's desperate.
He'd sleep with a meat grinder.
You pig! You disgust me!
There's a known killer next door
who might slaughter us in our sleep...
-...and you won't lift a finger!
-That's right!
I'm not gonna lift a finger
because this is crazy.
You do this for me...
...and I give you your divorce.
And if you don't do this for me,
I swear...
...I'll make your life
so damned miserable...
...these past few years will
seem like a pleasure cruise.
I already booked your flight.
You leave tomorrow at 9 a.m.
You better start packing.
When are you coming back?
I have to reschedule
your appointments.
Shouldn't be more than two days.
-Are you going alone?
Good. Can you do me a huge favor
while you're there?
Go out and get laid!
Call me the second you get back.
Better yet, call me right after.
Call me during. I want details.
Now, don't expect too much.
I'm not sure I'll be able to
contact these people.
It's not as if the Gogolaks
have a 1 -800 number or anything.
I know you'll do what you can.
What is this?
Good luck, my darling.
And hurry home.
Do they have vomit bags on the flight?
You're Jimmy Tudeski, aren't you?
Jimmy the Tulip?
Don't worry, your secret's
safe with me, sexy.
But you will never believe what
my darling husband is up to.
You're back in Chicago?
Tell you what, meet me
at Ekins Oyster Bar in 45 minutes.
-Dave, you got nothing to worry about.
-How can I not worry?
You're back in Chicago
to rat Jimmy Tudeski out to Janni--
But I'm not going to rat him out.
You think I'm suicidal?
You are a dentist.
Look, I have no intention
of ratting anybody out.
The only reason I'm here
is to get Sophie off my back.
All right, I've got a deadline.
I'll come by when I'm finished.
In the meantime, promise
not to do anything stupid.
-Why would you even say that?
-You married Sophie, didn't you?
I'll get the check then?
I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong--
What room you looking for?
You're in the right place.
You Nicholas Oseransky?
Who are you?
We hear you have information about
the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip.
Did Dave tell you?
-Who's Dave?
-What did he tell you?
Forget about Dave.
For our immediate purposes,
there is no Dave.
Dave does not exist.
So just answer my question.
Do you or don't you...
...have information regarding
the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Then I must have been misinformed.
I apologize.
It's okay.
...let's try this again.
We understand you have
information regarding--
Who told you that?
Why do you wanna clutter your mind
with the inconsequential?
What's important is...
...we know that you know
where Jimmy Tudeski is.
Look, I really have no--
-Won't you cry for help?
-Will it do any good?
Who are you?
Franklin Figueroa.
A.k.a. Frankie Figs.
I work for Janni Gogolak.
Oh, my God.
So where's Jimmy?
Look, I sw--
My brother, believe me, you don't
wanna dance with me all night.
And for a scumbag like Jimmy T?
Save yourself the pain.
Look, I really have no--
I may know where he is.
Well, all right. But don't tell me.
Let's go tell Janni.
-Mind if I piss a little blood first?
-Please, by all means.
My father...
...is a great man.
A man of vision...
...and character.
A man who stood up for his beliefs.
Unlike that rat-fuck...
...piece of shit...
Can you...
...ask Cynthia to join us, please?
-Want a drink?
-Oh, no, thanks.
-Have a drink.
-Scotch and soda, please.
I want you to understand...
...Frankie explained to me you're
having a problem with your conscience.
It's just that none of this
was my idea.
Think it was mine? No.
If I had my way, my father would
still be running things...
...and I'd be somewhere like....
I don't know.
Aruba's not that nice.
Excuse me?
You may like it.
I honeymooned there, and that's
probably why I didn't like it.
The thing you gotta remember is, when
we're talking about Jimmy Tudeski...
...we're not talking about
a human being.
We're talking about a rodent.
We're talking about...
-Where was l?
-Vermin. I think vermin.
We're talking about someone--
Screw that!
Some thing...
...that doesn't deserve
to be breathing...
...the air.
You talking about yourself again?
Mr. Oseransky...
...this is Cynthia.
Jimmy's wife.
Cynthia, it seems that Mr.--
Excuse me?
Dr. Oseransky. He's a dentist.
It seems that our dentist friend here
knows where Jimmy is.
Come to collect on the contract?
Since I'm the one that found this guy,
I want it. The contract's mine.
Just as long as I'm in on the kill.
So long as I get full price.
I wanna see that spineless rat beg.
Money doesn't matter.
Now I've heard everything.
Don't believe it.
This one? Kill you for a quarter.
Frankie will accompany you
back to Canada.
You will lead him to the man
you believe is Jimmy Tudeski.
-But, sir--
-Frankie, you'll let me know?
All right then.
Mr. Gogolak.
My wife would make my life even
more miserable than it already is...
...if I didn't at least ask.
Is there gonna be
any kind of finder's fee for this?
Finder's fee?
I tell you what.
Tell your wife we'll
work something out.
Cynthia, don't rush off.
We should chat a little.
I'll call you in the morning.
We'll leave first thing.
You won't do anything stupid
like leaving me in the lurch?
Who did you talk to?
What do you mean?
-You know Frankie Figs?
-I know of him.
When I came back from lunch,
he was in my room.
-Frankie Figs was in your room?
-He knew that I knew where Jimmy is.
-What did he do?
After he played congas on my kidneys,
he took me to see Janni Gogolak.
You're kidding.
Who did you tell?
I wanna know who you told!
No one, I swear!
Well, then how--?
What am I gonna do?
I'll talk to you later.
-Room service.
-This is Dr. Oseransky in room 51 9.
I'm gonna need a bigger
bottle of scotch.
It's me.
How you doing?
I don't know.
I've done something terrible.
What could be so terrible?
You've gotta get out of Canada.
Just get the hell out.
I'm in Chicago.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Have you seen Janni yet?
How'd you know?
I know about the whole thing, okay?
Don't worry.
I'll explain everything to you
when you get back, okay?
In the meantime, have a good time
while you're down there. Live it up.
We'll talk when you get back.
If you say so, Jim--
You gonna invite me in, or do I go down
and tell Janni's guys you're impolite?
Janni's guys are downstairs?
Yes, come in.
Love a man with manners.
Janni sent me to see
if you're on the level.
Janni's the trusting type.
So do you or don't you?
Do I or don't I...?
Know where my wayward husband is.
Mrs. Tudeski--
Cynthia. Why be formal
with the woman you'll widow?
-You don't understand.
-What's not to understand?
You want your 30 pieces of silver.
My question is, why didn't you
do the job yourself?
Why didn't l...?
Why didn't you kill Jimmy
and collect on the contract?
Didn't you have the stomach for it?
Or is your problem
a little further south?
-Did you vomit recently?
-A minute ago.
-I was just gonna brush my teeth.
-I'll wait.
Mrs. Tudeski....
Cynthia, none of this was my idea.
You just happened to travel 1 000 miles
to rat Jimmy out to Janni.
That's what I'm trying to say!
It wasn't my idea. It was my wife's.
She wanted me to come to Chicago
and rat Jimmy out.
Maybe it would be best for everybody
if you went to Janni...
...and said that I'm crazy,
that I'm nuts.
I'm chemically imbalanced.
I'm wacko!
Maybe that would be the best thing.
Tell him I'm acting the way
I'm acting right now.
But you do know where
Jimmy is, don't you?
Look, Mrs. Tudeski, I don't want
anybody to die.
That is on the level.
What do you want?
What do I want?
I just want this all to end.
I am so damn scared.
That's room service.
Before I vomited, I ordered scotch.
There you go.
Thank you.
What would you say to a drink?
I'd say no ice, no water,
in a tall glass.
What can I say? I was young.
Jimmy was like no man
I'd ever met before.
Yeah, well, he's the
first killer I've known.
No one like him at my daddy's
country club. Lousy husband, though.
Cheated on me constantly.
So why didn't you just...?
Divorce him?
Jimmy doesn't believe in divorce.
Thinks it's a sin.
A hit man with morals.
Go figure.
Now that he's out of prison,
are you guys gonna get back together?
Assuming Frankie and Janni
don't kill him first?
Jimmy and I are over.
Even if I wanted to make
another go of it, which I don't...
...there'd always be
that other thing between us.
What other thing?
The fact that he wants to kill me.
You're a sweet guy.
Are you rich?
The money Laszlo Gogolak gave us
as a wedding present.
Only it wasn't a wedding present.
Laszlo was parking the money
with us to hide it from the feds.
How much was it?
Ten million dollars.
Hell of a parking space.
The only way to get the money
was if Jimmy and Janni and l...
...all signed for it together.
If you didn't have all three
signatures, you'd need two signatures.
And a death certificate.
-Or one signature and--
-Two death certificates.
That's why Jimmy wants to kill you.
Let's not forget about Janni.
Then he gets the money. All of it.
The whole nine yards.
What if you told him
you didn't want the money?
I did tell him.
I don't want a dime.
He knows I don't wanna be married,
and he doesn't believe in divorce.
But murder, he's okay with.
It's what he does.
If it was me,
How much would it take
for you to kill your wife?
-I'm talking about you.
-What's your price?
That's what I'm saying.
I think you are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen...
...and I cannot believe
I am saying this out loud.
That's just the scotch talking.
No, it's me.
I've spent the last seven years
just waiting for something to happen.
I didn't even know what it was.
Until you walked in that room
at Janni Gogolak's house.
I'm sorry.
I've embarrassed you.
I should go.
You're a nice guy.
But I've gotta go.
Let's go.
The night's still young.
You boys in any rush to get back?
Did you mean what you said?
I've got till midnight.
In the meantime....
-Promise me something.
You'll go slow.
I haven't made love in five years.
Neither have l.
I've been married.
It's almost time.
What did you have, oysters for lunch?
Actually, I did.
Jimmy knows I'm here.
Here with me?
Here in Chicago. Talking with Janni.
How? How did he know that?
I told him.
-You what?
-He already knew.
-I'm guessing my darling wife.
-Is she trying to get you killed?
-That's all I can come up with.
But when I talked to Jimmy...
...he didn't sound upset.
He wouldn't. He'd be your best friend
right up until the moment he--
He's gonna kill me, isn't he?
And when he's done with that,
he'll come after you.
I'm not gonna let Jimmy kill you.
-I'm gonna take Frankie to Jimmy.
-So Frankie can kill him.
If there was any other way....
But better Jimmy than you.
Don't you get it?
Either way, I'm dead.
Once Jimmy's dead,
why would Janni keep me alive?
He'd kill me too--
So he can collect on the whole
$1 0 million.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
I swear, I am not gonna let
anybody kill you.
Under the circumstances, that's the
most romantic thing I've ever heard.
You what?
You told Jimmy?
What the hell did you do that for?
I felt bad. I like him.
-I liked him.
-Not anymore?
It's hard to be friends
with somebody who wants to kill you.
If you sold me out to Janni, then told
me about it, I'd ice your ass too.
I know.
-I can close that gap for you.
-You'd be in and out.
-You're kidding.
No, not a problem.
So did you do it?
Did you do what I told you to do?
I won't answer that.
So you did!
I can tell! You had sex!
Full-size car, please.
I wanna hear all about it.
I gotta go. Any emergencies,
I've got my beeper on.
-Fine, be that way.
-I don't need no insurance.
The hell bitch called.
She and her mom went to Niagara Falls.
Yeah, probably working on her alibi.
I gotta go.
Why don't you drive back
to the hotel with me?
Unless you'd rather go home
in broad daylight...
...with Jimmy right next door.
Yeah, I'll go with you.
Frankie Figs.
Jimmy T.
What's going on?
What's up, baby?
What's up, Frankie?
Welcome to Montreal.
-What up, partner? Good to see you.
-Looking good.
Oz, you look worried.
Doesn't he look worried?
He does.
Why don't you relax?
Come on, Frankie told me
what a standup guy you've been.
Now, change your pants.
We're going out.
I'm gonna keep the Coke
and the fries...
...but I'm gonna send
this burger back.
If you put any mayonnaise on it...
...I'll chop your legs off,
set your house on fire...
...and watch as you drag your
bloody stumps out of your house.
I'm fine.
You're fine?
Let me tell you something.
You are not fine.
You know your wife wants you dead?
That much I've figured out.
I thought you should know
I'm not the first one she came to.
-The first...?
-There were others?
-At least one.
That fell through, so she came to me.
What did you tell her?
You mean, did I take the contract?
No. I didn't take the contract.
-How much she offer you?
-Ten grand.
No wonder you turned her down.
But you did turn her down.
Even though I went to Janni?
You didn't go to Janni.
Jimmy sent me to come to you.
And I know that Frankie
can be very persuasive.
-By the way, how's your urination?
-Fine. Thank you.
So why did you want me
to go see Janni?
So you could tell him where I was.
So he'd come here,
and you'd kill him?
By the way, I'd be happy
to do your wife for you.
-Do my wife?
-Tap her.
-Whack her.
-Whack her?
Oh, see, I thought you meant,
you know....
Because she told me that you,
you know, hit on her.
That's funny.
Why is that funny?
I wasn't gonna tell you this...
...but the truth is,
your wife came on to me.
We're friends.
Friends do not engage in sexual
congress with each other's wives.
...l don't find your wife
particularly attractive.
You just got out of prison.
You've been in prison for five years,
and you don't find her attractive?
She's not a good person.
You've killed 1 7 people, and you
don't think my wife is a good person?
It's not important
how many people I've killed.
What's important is...
...how I get along with the people
that are still alive.
-You gonna finish this?
-Just take it.
We've given it long enough.
Give Janni a call.
The sooner he gets here, the better.
So after you kill Janni,
you go back to Chicago?
No, I'm done with Chicago.
What about your wife?
You gonna get back together with her?
You're gonna kill her too?
For a hell of a lot more than $1 0,000.
You can't do that.
Why not?
Because she's your wife!
You were right about him.
This is one exceedingly sweet man.
Wife like his and still
he believes in wedding vows.
So do l.
Especially till death do us part.
Oh, God. It's my beeper.
I gotta go to the office.
Well, wedding vows or not...
...I'd watch my back.
Your wife's still shopping
for a hitter.
Good luck.
Mr. Tourette, I think we'll
have to pull the tooth.
Oz, what is it?
What's the matter?
I am your friend. Talk to me.
I have to talk to somebody
because I'm gonna--
Take your time.
That's good.
First of all, I just found out
my wife is trying to have me killed.
-Who told you?
-A friend.
-Anyone I know?
-He's my next-door neighbor.
And here's the funny part.
He's a hit man too.
Really? What's his name?
Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.
Jimmy the Tulip?
Jimmy the Tulip lives next to you?
And you know him?
Can you introduce me to him?
He's a professional killer.
You don't understand.
I've wanted to meet him for years.
Please? Come on!
Quick, come on!
-What's this?
-I don't know.
It is you.
Mr. Tudeski, you don't understand.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
I followed your career
since I was a kid.
You're why I'm trying
to get into the business.
What business would that be?
Contract killing.
It's what I wanna do.
If I could have one afternoon,
I know I could learn so much from you.
So come in.
You too.
What's all this?
You know her?
-She's my assistant.
-You know she was a hitter?
Actually, I'm still a virgin.
I haven't killed anyone yet.
Oz was supposed to be my first.
-Excuse me?
-His wife hired me.
That was you?
To make it look like an accident,
I worked for him...
...to familiarize myself
with his habits.
-Get to know him.
But then, after I got to know him,
I started to like him.
-First mistake.
-I know!
You should get close,
but not too close.
-Pour yourself a martini.
-It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Don't give yourself a hard time.
Your whole career's ahead of you.
I remember when I was starting out.
I hadn't really done that much.
I'd done a few things, saw some money.
I was doing something I liked.
Then I was recruited...
...by Laszlo Gogolak.
And the first thing he wanted me
to do was whack his cousin.
Is this the Stanley Posilansky
Anyway, Laszlo doesn't want it
to look like a hit. All right?
So I've gotta get close
to Stanley...
...who was this really charming,
cute, funny little guy.
Weird sense of humor.
Made me laugh.
I liked him as a person.
You know what I mean?
You got too close.
I got too close.
Moment of truth comes....
-Me. I choked.
Couldn't do it.
I actually....
I told him I was there to kill him.
Can you believe that?
I said, "Run, Stanley.
Go, go. Run. Hide. Off you go."
We shake hands, part as friends.
We turn around to walk away.
This little weasel shoots me
in the back.
And the bullet comes out right here.
So what did you do?
I didn't really like Stanley
after that.
He took a really,
really long time to die.
And this scar's a reminder:
Never get too close.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Not to interrupt or anything,
but you were gonna kill me?
That was the plan?
-What are you doing tonight?
-No plans.
Wanna help us out?
Me and Frankie Figs?
Wait. Are you offering me a job?
If you're interested.
It would be an honor. It would be,
like, a dream come true.
Who's the mark?
Janni Gogo.
Janni Gogo?
Feel my arm. Goose bumps.
Your phone scared me.
There it is again!
-What is wrong with you?
-I don't know.
Okay, good. See you soon.
-Good news?
-Great news.
Apparently, Janni Gogo is on his way
up here, and he's bringing my wife.
Your wife?
Janni figures he'll take care of her
when he takes care of me.
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna try to save her?
No. I want her dead too.
Got a problem?
It's not like I know her.
I can't believe you people.
You're calmly talking about the murder
of a beautiful, innocent woman...
...whose only crime
is that she married you, Jimmy.
I won't listen to this anymore.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna--!
I'm gonna go!
Does this slide?
Answer that.
That's my phone, thank you.
-Who was it?
-They hung up.
Expecting a call?
Explain how that's your business.
Get her bag.
Plane's waiting, and I'm not.
Oh, my God.
You don't like the Walther?
-Go with what you're comfortable with.
-James Bond uses it.
Still, I like to buy American.
Is there any way I can stop you
from doing this?
Oz, relax. No one's gonna know
you had anything to do with this.
-That's not the point.
-What is the point?
You'll still kill your wife!
I've got a very good reason
to kill my wife.
About 1 0 million very good
reasons to kill my wife.
What if I said no?
What if I said I wasn't gonna
let you do it?
You are the most chivalrous guy
I've ever met.
-Do you see why I couldn't kill him?
-I love him.
Come on.
Relax. Just come sit down
here in your favorite chair...
...have another martini.
Listen to me. Tonight will happen
whether you want it to or not.
And you're gonna help.
Me? Help?
You help.
You're gonna help.
You'll go with Frankie to meet Janni
because if you're not there...
...Janni will get suspicious, get back
on the plane, and fly to Chicago.
And we don't want that.
This is the way it's gotta be, okay?
...I'm telling you this
like a friend because...
...if you screw this up...
...l would hate to--
I would really hate
to have to kill you.
I would hate it...
...more than mayonnaise.
You know how much I hate mayonnaise.
-Yes, I do.
-Besides, you want Janni Gogolak dead.
That's where you're wrong.
I don't want anybody dead.
If we don't make Janni Gogolak dead,
he's gonna make you dead.
The Gogolaks don't like to leave
witnesses lying around.
Damn it, Jimmy, why did you
have to move in next to me?
Oz, do you know what kind of soil
they have in this back yard?
I'm here two days,
and I got tomatoes--
Oh, my God!
-Why'd you stop?
-Are you doing it tonight?
Tonight, whenever, let's go.
Kick it into gear.
For 1 0,000?
Wait a minute.
You said we were doing this for 1 5.
I changed my mind.
But if you think I should go
and try to find somebody else--
Listen, why don't we make it...
...1 2,500?
I can live with 1 2,500.
As long as my husband doesn't.
He won't.
I promise.
-You must be--
-Jill St. Clair.
Can I just say, Mr. Figueroa...
...that I think the job you did
on Kevin Vincent...
...that and the Ronald Abramson hit,
they were both just...
...works of art.
-I see you've done your homework.
-I keep a scrapbook.
-What's up?
-Honey, why don't you go get Oz?
We'll run through this once more,
make sure we know what we're doing.
-She's a cute kid.
-Got definite potential.
Time to rock and roll.
You know, I got this same car.
All right, nobody move.
Everybody quiet!
God, I'm gonna love this.
So now what?
Now we wait until...
...he's asleep.
Sweet dreams, Jimmy.
Let's get started.
We got company.
Anybody we know?
Oz's wife and some guy.
Probably your replacement.
The new hitter.
Well, there's nothing we can
do about it now.
Keep an eye on them.
Love those pants on you.
So what is he, a bad guy,
your husband?
Actually, everyone seems to like him.
Which might be the thing
I hate most about him.
Let's go over this one more time--
What the hell for?
I wanna make sure
we got everything right.
Any particular way
you want him to die?
What do I care?
I'm out of the country,
shopping for my funeral dress.
Dentist, get the blinds.
Oh, God.
Of all the times--
You're married, right?
Does your wife have any...?
Feminine products.
Yes, she does.
They're right through there.
I'll show you where they are.
Don't be long.
-"Don't blong"?
-Don't be long.
You make a noise, he gets out of bed
to see what the problem is...
...and you make him dead, okay?
You understand me?
The dead part?
Then ransack the house
so it looks like a burglary...
...and you get back in this car...
...and we drive like hell back
to Niagara Falls.
Where you're gonna pay me
my other $5000.
My mother's there waiting with it.
Your mother knows about this?
My mother wants this to happen
as much as I do.
And I really, really
want this to happen.
They're gonna kill you.
When they're done with Jimmy, Janni'll
come after you. I came to warn you.
That is....
Janni's not gonna kill anyone.
Jimmy's waiting for them.
Jimmy and Frankie are in, you know--
-Are you cahooting too?
-I had to pretend I was cahooting.
But listen, I have a plan.
It's time. You two stay here.
You know these guys?
Who is that?
-Is that Janni Gogolak?
-From the Gogolak gang.
It might be.
Jimmy the Tulip lives next door.
Jimmy the Tulip?
This is a hit.
Stay right here!
Who's that?
I don't know.
You smell great.
All right, you got a gun now.
Do you wanna use it or not?
Kill him, major.
Yeah, kill him, major.
Show him how you're not
afraid to die.
Looks like you don't want it enough,
what you want.
He laughs when something's funny
for a change.
One Rocco more or less
isn't worth dying for.
Hi. Are you guys looking
for someone?
Hi, Janni.
Watch your head!
You know this whole sneaking-into-
the-house thing to try to kill me?
You guys are really good.
You're really....
Bye, Janni.
What's going on?
Oz took off with your wife,
and Sophie's hitter is outside.
All right, I'll take care of him.
You should get dressed.
You know what?
Better yet, stay just like that...
...and in 60 seconds, stick
your head out that window.
Nice work.
Thanks, Jimmy.
Be right back.
I can't think of nothing finer than
a fine, naked woman holding a gun.
And you just all kinds of fine,
ain't you?
Don't get any ideas.
Seriously sweet ass.
Can I help you?
Now you can get dressed.
-Where do you want this?
-Put it over there.
What was Oz doing,
going off with my wife?
-I can beep him, you can ask him.
-Beep him.
Now, ain't this some shit?
Maybe he won't come after us
and will let us go.
Maybe I can talk to him,
reason with him.
We're friends now, right?
-That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.
-What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?
I don't wanna know what happened
to Harry Lefkowitz.
It's your beeper.
I know.
It's Jimmy.
Jimmy, it's me.
Oz, what were you thinking,
taking off with Cynthia like that?
I'm sorry, but I can't
let you kill her.
What do you mean?
That's got nothing to do with you.
I'm in love with her.
Look, I don't--
What did you say?
I love her.
Listen to yourself.
You love her? You just met her.
-He's in love with Cynthia.
-No shit?
-She's the one!
-The one what?
-The one he shtupped in Chicago.
-The one he--
My wife?
You shtupped my wife, Oz?
I wouldn't exactly, necessarily
phrase it that way exactly.
Let me get this straight!
You went to Chicago and engaged
in sexual congress with my wife?!
Is that what you're telling me?!
Is that it?
-Calm down!
-I swear to God--
He's a little upset.
I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
Tell me where you are!
Find out where he is!
Just stay right there!
This is crazy!
You stud, you.
Gonna be a dead stud.
Tell Jimmy I've thought
of a win-win way out of this.
I know you guys got
spare bodies lying around.
Yeah, and get this, one's a cop.
What's he saying?
What's he saying?
Tell him to stay where he is.
I'll be right there.
Sounds great. I'll run it by
the boys and beep you right back.
When's the last time
you went to the dentist?
You really meant it, didn't you?
What you said.
About what? Loving you?
Of course.
What'd you think this was about?
-I mean, great sex, but--
-It was pretty good.
Was that all this has meant to you?
Don't get me wrong.
I like you a lot.
Well, that's great to hear,
but I've got news for you.
I don't usually risk my life
for people that just like me.
Well, I do like you.
Then again, who knows? Maybe--
Maybe this feeling
in the pit of my stomach...
...maybe it's love.
It's your beeper.
I know.
It's me.
I'll tell you one thing,
you got balls.
Yeah, who knew?
Jill told me your idea.
I think it's worth a try.
-Jimmy, thank you.
-Just so you know...
...l am disappointed.
I am extremely...
...disappointed with you.
Believe me, you're the last person
I'd ever wanna disappoint...
...but everything I did
was for love.
Yeah, whatever.
See you at your office.
Okay, give me an hour.
Oh! And don't forget the corpse.
Monsieur Boulez, remember to floss.
Stay on the boat.
Take this. If you don't hear
from me in two hours, just go.
Disappear. Leave the country.
Be careful.
I'm Mr. Careful.
I just wanted to make sure
it was you.
Everybody's inside.
By the way,
huevos grandes, amigo.
The Great and Powerful Oz.
Why don't we get started?
So far, so good.
-He up?
-Yeah, got him.
Frankie, duct tape.
We did it.
I think we're good.
Really turned out nice tonight.
I'll be right back.
-Who's this remind you of?
-Old Charlie.
All right.
...these men need to see you.
Excuse me.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Dr. Oseransky, I'm Sergeant Buchanan.
This is Officer Morrissey.
Yes, well, what can I do for you?
Are you the owner
of a brown Toyota Corolla...
...license number ZSJ959?
Yes. Is there a problem?
Do you know where
your vehicle is, sir?
I lent it to my neighbor.
This neighbor...
...he got a name?
Jimmy Jones.
Would you mind taking us
to his place of residence?
Your car was found by the grain silo
at the old port.
Two bodies were inside of it.
There had been a fire.
The extent of the burns made any
normal identification impossible.
So dental impressions were taken.
From the dental records,
we established that the bodies...
...were those of one
Janni Peter Gogolak...
...and James Stefan Tudeski.
Both of them were big shots
in a Chicago crime syndicate.
And you think this James...
...is the Jimmy I know?
Well, that's what we intend
to find out.
Isn't that Hanson's car?
Go have a look.
Who's Hanson?
One of our men.
He was on an undercover assignment.
There was some concern because
he'd failed to check in this morning.
Your mother knows about this?
My mother wants this to happen
as much as I do.
And I really, really
want this to happen.
It's Hanson's car, all right.
But no sign of Hanson.
But I found a tape.
Dr. Oseransky, could you tell us
where your wife might be?
My wife? She's in Niagara Falls
with her mother. Why?
I don't know how
to tell you this...
...but your wife recently tried
to hire a hit man to kill you.
A hit man?
Oh, my God.
There's no smoking in here.
So where is he, Mrs. Oseransky?
--you better have answers.
Hi, Mom.
Ask all the questions you want,
but until I speak to my attorney--
You spoke to him. He doesn't want
to have anything to do with you.
Special Agent Hanson, Mrs. Oseransky.
What did you do to him?
It wasn't me.
We have your voice on tape.
His written reports.
You tried to hire him to kill
your husband. So what happened?
He tried to back out?
He tried to back out,
and you killed him.
None of this would've happened
if that girl had done her job.
-What girl?
-Jill! My husband's receptionist!
-Was she a contract killer too?
-Yes! I hired her!
She's the killer!
This would be sad
if it wasn't so pathetic.
Do you wanna talk to her?
No, I don't think so.
I don't blame you.
You guys know a good divorce lawyer?
She did it. She's a killer!
You've got to believe me.
I got all the I's dotted
and all the T's crossed.
-Jimmy's got his own way of spelling.
-I'll take care of Jimmy.
You won't have to see him again.
While you and Jill get the money,
Jimmy and I'll be at the museum.
Jimmy at a museum?
There's people at a museum.
He's not gonna try anything.
If you say so.
Where's Cynthia?
You and I are leaving.
I'll beep Cynthia. She'll call you
and tell you where to go.
Listen to him.
Mr. Cloak-and-Dagger.
I'm being careful.
I'm a dentist.
You boys play nice, now.
Take us to the art museum.
You think if Cynthia doesn't come
through you'll be safe at the museum?
Hope there was nothing special
you wanted to see at the museum.
We're not going to the museum.
We're going to the marina.
The marina?
I rented a boat for the day.
Isn't that right, Frankie?
I'm careful too.
You're Jill?
Nice to meet you.
Where's your gun?
What makes you think I have a gun?
Throw it in.
You have the certificates?
Let's go banking.
Everything's in order.
Where would you like the money sent?
To a bank in the Caymans.
The account number is--
Can we have a minute?
I'll be right over there.
We could just walk away, you know?
You and me.
With the whole 1 0 million.
So? What do you think?
I think....
I know that if we did,
Jimmy would kill Oz.
So what?
You're a lucky guy.
Why would you say that?
You're about to find out if the woman
you love really loves you.
If it was me...
...l was in her position...
...I'd take the money and run.
What are you betting on?
I'm betting on love.
Love for you means money for me.
And like I said before,
I'd really hate to have to kill you.
When are you gonna do it?
Let's make sure we got the money.
But you are intending to kill him?
Jimmy, listen.
He was there!
He was there when you killed
Janni and a cop.
Now, I know you like this guy.
Yeah, I do.
But he's got to go.
And if you ain't prepared to do it,
then I'll have to--
Let's not forget
who you're talking to.
Jimmy Tudeski may be dead...
...but he ain't exactly dead.
You understand?
Glad to hear it.
Just drive the boat.
Think about it, Cynthia. We're
talking about $5 million apiece here.
Is Oz worth that much to you?
The thing is...
...l think I love him.
You think? You think?
Sweetheart, for $5 million
you better be damn certain.
I am.
I'm sorry...
...but I love him.
You do?
That's the right answer.
You can get back here now.
We got the money.
Bye-bye, Oz.
Sorry, Frankie.
I always liked you.
Why did you kill him?
Well, I had to kill one of you.
Well, then you definitely
made the right decision.
But why did you have to kill him?
Well, if I didn't kill you,
Frankie would have.
And he would've thought
I'd gone soft...
...eventually come after me
and the money.
...what about me?
Put the bulk of the money
into this account.
But I also want $1 million
in this account...
...under the name of Dr. Nicholas
and Mrs. Cynthia Oseransky.
One million....
A wedding present from Jimmy.
Not that Jimmy.
-Can we have another minute?
-I'll just....
Is this real?
It's real.
But to get the money...
...you have to show up together
and show them a marriage certificate.
Jimmy's divorcing me?
Don't you read the papers, lady?
Jimmy Tudeski's dead.
-I don't know what to say.
-When the time comes...
...just say, "l do."
Maybe I am going soft. In the
old days, I would've killed you.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I don't know.
Maybe I have changed since my death.
I don't think that's what it is.
What do you mean?
You love her, don't you?
Cynthia's waiting for you.
She said you'd know where.
Say hi to my widow for me, will you?
Take care of yourself.
Marry me.
Jimmy told you.
He didn't, did he?
You just...
...wanna marry me?
I don't just wanna marry you.
I wanna marry you more than
anyone's wanted to marry anyone...
...in the history of the world.
Then would I be out of line
if I told you...
...that I loved you?
And said yes?
I would love to marry you.
So you wouldn't mind spending the
rest of your life with a poor dentist?
Something tells me we'll get by.