Whoops Apocalypse (1986) Movie Script

Come on, man! Hurry!
No, no!
Phone London. Quick!
Land Of Hope And Glory
Put down your weapons!
Come on. Up with your hands.
English pig!
Hugo Burlap is buried.
The world mourns
a great international statesman.
And trouble brewing in the Caribbean.
Maguadoran troops seize British Santa Maya.
Three days after it happened,
Americans are stunned
by the tragic death of the man who was
our best-loved president of this century.
78 year-old Hugo Burlap died peacefully
at the White House on Sunday,
after challenging a reporter
to slug him in the stomach with a crowbar
as proof of his physical fitness.
Vice-President Barbara Adams
was sworn in at noon yesterday
to the job she thought she would never hold:
That of the most powerful leader
in the Western world.
Hugo Burlap personified the American dream.
For a man to rise from a humble circus clown
to President of the United States,
I believe,
speaks volumes for our democratic tradition,
and I am proud to step into his shoes.
To the world, he was an ambassador for peace,
truth, and the American ideal,
but to citizens in his home town
of Cleveland, Ohio, he will always be
Uncle Yuk-Yuk star of the big top
And it was in Cleveland at 11:30 this morning
that the President was finally laid to rest
according to his last wishes
Members of the President's family
were joined by heads of state
and prime ministers from across the globe
in an act of homage to the man
who shaped the course of modern America
What, then, of our nation's new Chief Executive,
Barbara Jacqueline Adams?
Shrewd, sensible, compassionate,
scrupulously honest:
She has overcome all these handicaps
to become President of the United States.
Right now, her major concern
will be the crisis in Central America,
where, 24 hours ago, Maguadoran tanks
rolled into British Santa Maya.
Reaction in London was swift
Mr Speaker, I do not propose
to sink to the opposition's petty level
by explaining why the invasion took place.
What is paramount now
is the safety of the Santa Mayan people.
Throughout history, we in these islands
have nurtured the twin flowers
of freedom and equality.
Liberty is our birthright, Mr Speaker.
Democracy will prevail.
in Santa Maya
I give you your new presidente:
Generalissimo Francisco Nicanor Mosquera!
The new military ruler
met with a frosty reception
People of Santa Maya
Today, you are liberated
from the British imperialists.
You are,
once again, free citizens
of the Republic of Maguadora.
How will President Adams
respond to Mosquera's actions?
One man she will be listening to
is former president Jack Preston,
author of the book
Commie Bastards I Have Known,
and a leading authority
on Caribbean affairs.
Tomorrow she'll be flying to California
for top-level consultations
with the former president
in an attempt to defuse
this potentially explosive situation
Yes sir?
We have an appointment
to see the former President of the United States.
Yes, sir. President Preston is expecting you.
Right through there and to your left.
Thank you very much.
- Madam President.
- Mr President.
- Marv!
- Ah!
Great to see you again!
So, Mr President, how's life?
Oh... still serving it!
Er... Mr President, I don't know
if they let you see newspapers,
but we've been having some problems
in the Caribbean.
I heard about that. Sure.
So far, our support for
Mosquera has been iron clad.
Oh, he eats Commies for breakfast, right?
But Britain is our oldest ally in the world.
Sure, sure. Listen.
In my estimation, this is a whole dish of worms
that could squeal antsy in the long ticket.
We need to hump out wide,
hype up the squeak-bag,
before they screw down the jam box
Excuse me?
Always fox the grease monkeys.
They won't tango till you
crack down the fish pot.
You can't risk hell shit
with a bunch of lulu pig-suckers!
So, to give our support to Britain
would be entirely...
- The only solution.
- The only solution. Right.
You see, you can't empty your piss can...
till the heat's off the mugwump.
Always take down the gizmo
and caveat the cranker, before...
Mr President... it's been an education.
A pleasure, madam.
- Bill!
- Mr President!
What a guy.
I can tell you that the President
has persuaded both sides
to meet across the table, and these talks
will take place in Miami tomorrow.
Ed Gardner, Tribune. Will the President
be chairing these talks herself?
- No, there'll be no US presence.
- Bob Sangster, Newsweek.
Does the President feel Maguadora
can be persuaded to withdraw from British soil?
Oh, I think she's still hopeful.
- Yeah.
- Ron Horrocks, Reader's Digest.
Has the President ever yearned to own
a Handtool Guide to the Waterways of Manitoba?
Yes, well, when the talks
broke for lunch, Bob,
what did the British Foreign Secretary
have to say?
Well... did he seem like he
was in a good mood?
Was he joking or laughing, or...?
When you say "walking with a stoop", Bob,
how do you mean that, exactly?
We remind guests that
while the international peace talks between
Great Britain and Maguadora are taking place
security checks will be in operation
We apologise for any inconvenience
Hold it. What have you got in the trunk?
Oh, er... just a little merchandise.
Merchandise? What kind of merchandise?
Oh, just a few samples.
See, I'm a travelling salesman.
Wanger's the name. Richard Milhous Wanger,
of Wanger, Wimple and Wadi.
We're manufacturers of games and novelties.
Probably you've heard of us.
No. Open the trunk.
Oh, you bet.
Boy, it sure is hot today, isn't it?
What is all this crap?
Duodenal Ulcer?
Yeah. That's one of our new executive games.
Very popular in Madison Avenue.
Spunky Spaniel?
Oh, he's a whole heap full of fun, sir.
See, you just put the batteries in here,
clamp it on a friend's leg,
and away the little fella goes!
It's all very er...
Uh-oh. Oh, my goodness...
Are you OK?
Er... no, it's nothing.
It's just a small bout of swamp fever!
Got it at a Snoopy doll symposium
in the Upper Congo. I'll be all right.
Well, what have you got here?
Some kind of a security alert?
You got that right.
The Maguadora peace talks.
Floors 7 through 15 are strictly off limits.
Yes. Off limits.
What's under this down here?
Oh, my God! My teeth are coming loose.
I hope this isn't contagious.
I wouldn't want anyone...
Oh, my God! Get this out of here.
Jesus! Move it, move it, move it!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And stay on your own floor!
It doesn't look very hopeful,
the sovereignty question.
Still, there may yet be a compromise formula
we can find.
I've a feeling
it's going to be a very long afternoon.
Hey, how ya doin', bro? Glad to know ya!
Who the hell are you? Where's Larry?
Oh, Larry's sick, man.
Contracted hepatitis from a septic squeegee.
I've just been sent down here by the agency.
- Agency?
- Yeah, Waxahachie Window Care.
High-rise maintenance in 47 states
and an equal-opportunity employer.
Jesus Christ.
No, no, my name is Nitz, man.
Conway Nitz III.
What's the matter with you?
Man, I forgot to introduce
you to my dog, Happy.
Boy, I tell you, without this little labrador,
I'd be blinder than a bug in a badger's back side.
Say, one of you guys help me into this cradle.
We can burn some rubber on this glass.
Er... listen. I don't figure this at all.
I'm going to call my boss. You stay right here.
Get some smokes!
Here, boy.
I'll get the dog.
For God's sake,
see if there's a doctor in the place.
Yes, sir.
Watch where you're going, you great retard.
You've had a very lucky break, gentlemen.
But for the fortuitous,
rare chance I was in town,
lecturing on my new breakthrough
in the culture of rabies vaccine...
...this could be embalming
fluid being dabbed on.
If you'll all just hold perfectly still...
I'll prepare the hypodermics...
Well, all finished now, thank you.
If you could have the payment sent to me
at this address, please.
Penis is the name. Dr Theseus Lyndon Penis.
I accept all major credit cards.
The British delegation have had time
to consider our proposals.
They have formulated
their official response?
I'm sure they have, gentlemen.
Is the CIA sure of these facts?
They say the Santa Maya peace talks
were deliberately sabotaged
by this mercenary, Lacrobat,
"to provoke a war in the Caribbean,
and assist a major arms contract
between Maguadora and the American
weapons company Nevada Technics. "
Let's just pray to God
the press doesn't get a hold of this one.
Here is a late newsflash
A top-secret report issued by the CIA
reveals that the Santa Maya peace talks
were sabotaged by the mercenary Lacrobat,
to provoke a war in the Caribbean
and assist a major arms contract
between Maguadora and the American
weapons company Nevada Technics.
Lacrobat is the world's
most wanted terrorist,
and his methods, though bizarre,
are terrifyingly effective.
He's already wanted
for 27 major international crimes,
including six assassinations
and the recipe for airline lunches,
and the news that he's once again at large
in the West is bound to be a cause for concern.
I'll be talking to President Adams
about the Nevada Technics scandal
live on the phone,
from the Oval Office, in just a moment.
This is suicide, Marv.
There's nothing to worry about, madam.
Mr Sweetzer's here.
Fine. Good!
Who the hell's Mr Sweetzer?
Madam, this report claims
Nevada Technics used a hit man, Lacrobat,
to wreck the peace process
in order to grease a major arms deal.
Oh... well,
I wouldn't put too much reliance on that...
And if that's true, Nevada Technics
would have a lot to answer for, wouldn't they?
Oh, well, yes, of course, but...
Madam President, you are, of course,
married to the chairman of Nevada Technics.
Yes... well, as you know...
as you may know...
my husband is away at present
on business in Australia,
and I wouldn't want to pre-empt anything...
OK, Mr Sweetzer.
...no, I don't mean that...
Pardon me, madam...
Well, I'm afraid
the... line appears to be breaking up.
We'll get back to that one later on.
Well hell Gerry it's your company
Find out who hired this lunatic
Our press over here
has been worse than the Manson family got
Plus, our protg in the Caribbean
decides to open a new branch of Gestapo Ltd.
in the country next door.
And now the British Prime Minister
is about to play with his toy boats down there,
which presents the West with a small dilemma,
to say the least...
Well, I miss you too, Superman.
Finish your work and hurry home soon. OK?
OK, honey.
Bye-bye for now.
You show them, Sir Mortimer!
was out to wreck the peace conference
There's no doubt about that.
They succeeded. Mosquera refuses
even to discuss Santa Maya any more.
He... he may change his mind, of course.
International opinion is totally against him.
But he's a very determined man.
And so am I, gentlemen.
Make no mistake about that.
What's more, the people are behind me.
According to the wireless today,
my current popularity rating
is higher than any other national leader
in peacetime.
It does demonstrate
confidence in our policies.
And we didn't win at Dunkirk
by running away.
Santa Maya must be liberated...
We shall use every means at our disposal...
...even diplomacy, should it
ever come to that,
because peace is the greatest thing
that any man can fight for.
And fight we shall.
Fight, until victory is finally ours.
Darling where are you?
In here, darling.
- Did you get the strawberry jam?
- No...
I... I didn't get it.
Oh, Dickie, you went into
the village specially.
What am I going to give the rector for tea
when he...?
Dickie? There's something wrong?
Not really, old thing.
Nothing to get in a tizzy over.
You'll hear soon enough.
It looks as if there's going to be
a bit of a scrap in the Caribbean.
They're sending a task force down
to get the Maguos out of Santa Maya.
- Dickie...!
- This telegram was waiting at the post office.
Everyone's to report to Portsmouth
by six o'clock tonight.
Tonight? But...
Oh, God.
Chin up, now. It won't be so bad.
One... knows one's duty, and...
I'm not afraid. I'll see it through.
I'm not scared.
Of course not.
You're not the one that's got to go.
No, I know. Just as well, really.
I get damnably seasick.
I suppose you'll be wanting
your uniform back, then.
Oh, I'll miss him!
Land Of Hope And Glory
Point the gun at the General.
That's it smile
Ah, this is going to be great!
Now show us what you think
Get out of my way!
For Christ's sake!
What the hell's going on here?
Get these... women covered up.
And get these two cretins out of here...
before I call the police!
Sir! Sir!
What is it?
I think you'd better take a look at this.
Oh, my God!
They've finally done it.
They've finally done the unthinkable.
157 warships, I would call
a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv.
- We don't need this sabre-rattling.
- Absolutely, madam.
Any chance of getting Mosquera back
to the talks?
Well, after what happened in Miami,
I guess he's not feeling too talkative any more.
Hail To The Chief
Two countries get worked up over a banana
plantation, and we've got to clean up...
US support for the fascist...
We must keep the peace process alive...
Death to the Nazi junta! Aaaargh!
I want a session with both ambassadors
as soon as we're in Washington.
Welcome to Jacksonville, Florida...
Two more days
and we shall be in the Caribbean.
From here on, I want
every ship in this fleet,
every sailor, every soldier,
put on red alert.
We're about to enter
a potential battle zone.
Sir... a dispatch just in from London.
Buckingham Palace?
It's Princess Wendy. They want her transferred
off HMS Shropshire and onto this ship.
In secret, to foil the enemy.
Bastards! They should never have
let her come in the first place.
This task force needs a Royal Princess
in the Wrens
like an outbreak of typhus!
Not at all, Your Royal Highness.
We're delighted to have you aboard.
Basically, one wants to be treated like any other
ordinary nursing officer. You understand.
No fuss or favours.
Absolutely not, ma'am. Of course.
This is your cabin.
Thank you.
If those two medical experiments from the press
get wind of this, we've had it.
It'll be like throwing raw meat
to a pack of jackals.
Don't worry, sir. We'll keep
Her Royal Highness well under wraps.
They won't even know she's on board.
- Argh!
- As I thought, Your Highness.
Strangulated hernia in the groin.
It'll have to be surgery.
Shave him, would you, ma'am?
I'll be back in five minutes.
- Aargh!
- Aaaargh!
- Aaaargh!
- Oh, my God.
It's not the fact, gentlemen, that one
of my soldiers has just been horribly castrated
by a member of Britain's Royal Family.
It is not even the fact that,
in the blind panic that followed,
a pair of Liptons tea bags were erroneously
sewn back into the patient's scrotum...
...and not discovered until three hours later,
when someone was rinsing out the teapot.
No, gentlemen.
This was the real coup de grce.
This dispatch I found not ten minutes ago
in the wire room.
"Holy chopped meat! Princess Wendy
went whittling with a razor yesterday
and had a ball.
Yes, sirree. Another young soldier
waved goodbye to his loved ones,
as Her Royal Highness
went crazy with the cut-throat
during a routine pre-op shave
on Britain's flagship HMS Lion,
where she was secretly transferred... "
Oh, holy godfathers! Is there any more classified
information you'd like to broadcast to the world?
You are a liability
to every man and woman in this fleet,
and I'm having you put off this ship
at the next island we come to!
I hope they whip the ass off you!
Lousy, stinking mothers.
The main stories this Friday evening.
Edna Burkavitz, the woman who secured
a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair in 1955,
has today sold it back to him
for an undisclosed sum.
And as the British task force
steams south for the Caribbean,
hopes are fading for a peaceful end
to the Santa Maya crisis. Details shortly.
Madam President.
What is it, Marv?
Priority Alpha, from the Pentagon.
Let me have it.
Santa Maya, madam.
British fleet just got in,
50 miles off the coast,
and was fired on by a Maguadoran destroyer.
I mean, all hell's gonna break loose
down there any minute.
Patch me through
to London and Maguador City.
Right, ma'am. If anybody can stop them going
to war, it's the President of the United States.
Land Of Hope And Glory
Thank you very much.
How are you?
I recognise you.
MAN Well done!
From what I gather,
President Adams was not a little miffed.
Apparently, the White House
wanted us all to go on talking.
Huh! Talk about giving a man
on the guillotine an aspirin!
Until Maguadora
recognises Britain's right to sovereignty,
there can be no question
of pulling out our troops.
- Absolutely.
- It would be madness.
And now to another...
equally serious problem.
The record level of unemployment.
Now, some people argue
that this crisis is the result
of government mismanagement
and underspending.
They could not be more wrong.
Hear! Hear!
Because we all know what really causes
unemployment in this country, don't we?
Unemployment in this country
is caused by pixies.
I don't mean the nice, ordinary ones,
who sit on toadstools,
playing a whistle.
I'm talking
about the nasty, evil, malevolent pixies,
the tiny green ones
with the black, pointy beards,
who go around our factories -
and we've all seen them -
who go around our factories,
casting their wicked spells,
and bringing about mass redundancies
on a scale not witnessed
since the Great Depression.
When did you actually form this theory,
Prime Minister?
Well, to be perfectly honest, Nigel,
the pieces only really sort of jelled in my mind,
so to speak, last weekend.
I was visiting a factory in Stockport.
Hundreds had lost their jobs, and small wonder.
The place was crawling with them.
With erm... pixies?
Yeah, pixies, sprites, elfin folk.
All manner of goblinry.
Certainly opened my eyes, I can tell you.
That's why I've launched this new campaign.
I see.
What campaign?
The Stamp Out Evil Pixies campaign.
The public have got to be educated
on this one, Nigel.
Mostly, they're about seven inches tall,
and they get in through the air vents.
Now, the worst type of all...
are the invisible ones.
Our support for Sir Mortimer Chris
remains unequivocal.
When the Prime Minister talks of er...
pixies... he is clearly using the term
in a metaphorical sense,
to er... denote disruptive elements
within British industry.
How do you explain the fact
that he has just set up an Anti-Goblin Unit
to bait them with gingerbread traps?
I think that's enough questions for today,
He's brainwashed the entire country.
He's gone stark, staring, raving...
- Morning.
- Morning, Prime Minister.
Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
Nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.
Right. Down to business.
Good. Well, having established the root causes
of the stagnation in the country,
what we need now
is a radical job-creation programme.
Now, I've devised one here
that will create half a million new jobs
in its first year of operation.
Basically, the scheme works like this.
Every week, 10,000 working people
jump off a cliff, thus creating
10,000 new jobs.
I've drawn up a white paper here, gentlemen,
if you'd care to cast your eyes over it.
Well, I think he's bloody marvellous.
He brought us through the war,
and I think he can do the same for the economy.
I am. I'm proud to leap to my certain death
for Britain. Hooray!
Bye! Well done.
Hello. How are you?
- I'm fine, sir.
- Jolly good. What do you do?
Well, I'm in industrial engineering, sir.
Oh, that's super. We can certainly do
with a lot more vacancies there.
Did you get everything you want?
Shall I give this one a push?
- Ooh!
- Good for you? Good for you? Good for me.
There we are. A little push. How's that?
Ah, right. OK. Next.
They do add up.
It may seem a little severe, but it's always the
horrid-tasting medicine that does the most good.
Right. That's it.
This has gone on quite long enough.
I've had all I can take.
Who are you ringing?
Let me see if I have this straight here
You're telling me
that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom -
the man who has his finger
on Britain's nuclear trigger,
the man to whom we have promised
complete, unconditional support,
in anything he says or does -
is clinically insane?
That's a pretty fair summary.
From what the Foreign Secretary has told us,
and from our own intelligence,
there appears to be... little doubt.
You're telling me
that the entire population of Great Britain
went and elected
a deranged psychotic
to the highest office of the land...
Send him in.
Mr Virgil Grodd, madam,
from the CIA Directorate of Plans.
He comes highly recommended
This is a very delicate matter.
It requires a man with special qualities.
You'll not find me lacking
in tenacity, madam.
I have trained my body
to endure any level of pain by sheer willpower.
I can place my genitalia into a burning
candle flame without flinching once.
Er... that's a very... useful discipline,
I'm sure, Mr Grodd, but I don't think we...
we have... no.
I have a candle here, if you'd like to see.
Er... no, Mr Grodd.
Perhaps we could concentrate on the reason
for which we called you in.
Yes, you want me to eliminate
the Prime Minister of...
Mr Grodd, I, as President, have no knowledge
of whatever it is I've called you in to do.
Naturally. I fully understand,
and I've taken the liberty of drawing up
a provisional plan of operations here.
In approximately three hours, I and two Cuban
agents will board a plane for London,
and check into a small hotel
close to Whitehall.
At 0900 hours,
we circulate rigged Polaroids of the Prime
Minister in an unnatural act with a horse.
Fine. Mr Grodd,
I think I've heard enough of the details for now.
As a diversion to the media, we engineer
an outbreak of herpes in the Royal Family,
- and as soon as Her Majesty checks in...
- Mr Grodd!
Thank God.
I was starting to think this place was deserted.
Howdy-doody pals
May we remind all vacationers
of today's special activities
Relax and enjoy swimming running gymnastics
and tractor maintenance
with our many smiling instructresses
Plus tonight in the Malibu Ballroom
compulsory disco dancing
- Can I help you, gentlemen?
- Hi. We're members of the press,
here on an international fact-finding tour
in the Caribbean.
Could we have a room here for a few nights?
all of our rooms are completely taken.
We are at the very peak
of our tourist season.
Listen. I need to make
a couple of phone calls.
I am afraid that we do not have
a single telephone on the island.
Oh... out of order.
All the lines were damaged
in the er... monsoon.
- Monsoon?
- Grain shortage... earthquake.
Earthquake? Look...
As I said... sir...
this sunshine paradise is very popular
with your American holiday visitors.
Come this way, please.
And this... this is the dining room.
We regret to announce that all
our dining tables are as booked up as can be
Molotov cocktail,
Gulag Archipelago burger...
As you can see,
we are full right up at the moment.
All the hotels
on this booming-trade tourist paradise
are completely booked.
Take a gander, pally.
There is an 18-month waiting list
to use the lavatory
We could not fit in a single extra body.
So, as you can see, gentlemen,
you have no alternative
but to hire a boat back
to the mainland at once.
But please tell all your friends
about our flourishing holiday industry.
The way out is just over there. OK...
We regret to announce
that tonight's beach party and weenie roast
- has been cancelled due to an avalanche
- Thanks a million, kiddo!
And limbo dancing under the roadblocks
is strictly forbidden Thank you
Na zdorovye.
That's very impressive, Mr Grodd.
Thank you, sir.
And now to business, gentlemen.
This is an exact replica
of the Prime Minister's bath oil.
Scratch down the side. Harrod's price tag.
Worn gold on the cap right here.
We know he uses this every morning.
Tomorrow, things will be a little different.
Concentrated trioxalic acid.
Dissolves solid steel in 15 seconds.
As soon as he steps into
his bathtub... sssss.
Like a snowman in a sauna bath
Now, the main... Are you OK?
Excuse me.
I suppose there's no other answer.
He's got to go.
There's no way this operation can fail,
Mr Sumpter.
You have my personal guarantee.
Ah, Nigel, Michael.
Lovely to see you. Come on in.
You're looking surprisingly well,
Prime Minister, considering the erm...
Well, I'll live, Nigel.
What do you think?
Had it done by microsurgery.
British medicine's the finest in the world.
But I'll tell you one thing.
It's a good job I didn't sit down in that bath.
Yes. How very lucky that was.
Can't imagine who'd want
to do that. Can you?
Well, I do know one thing.
I'll find out.
I have failed you, gentlemen, but have no fear.
I know exactly what to do now.
There was something distinctly odd about
this place that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Hey! Careful what you're doing.
Yet, the more I thought about it...
the more a strange theory
started to form in my mind.
Hello again!
Hi there. Hey, this is Mr McDonald's,
another genuine vacationer.
This afternoon, Mr McDonald's is returning
in his private boat to the mainland,
and would be pleased to
give you both a ride.
So, thanks a heap, kids.
See you later, alligator.
On your feet. We're going
to take a little walk.
"Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland?"
Come on. Give me a hand.
God Almighty!
There was no doubt about it.
This obscure little island was no tourist haven.
It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile
base, right on America's doorstep.
If this doesn't get me the Pulitzer prize,
nothing will.
Come on, Slim. Let's move it.
Hey, come on. Wake up.
It's now two weeks
since British forces recaptured Santa Maya,
liberating its population of 7^50
from Maguadoran rule.
And with 48,000 troops
now permanently based in the country,
to guard against future attack,
General Mosquera appears finally
to have abandoned his designs
on this tiny Central American territory.
You are sure you can secure for us
the services of this man... Lacrobat, Mr...?
Harrison Hindenburg Nebuchadnezzar.
Personal management
of the world's leading international terrorists.
My client, Mr Lacrobat,
has many prior commitments at the moment.
However, you tell me what you are proposing,
and I'll tell you whether or not he's available.
We need his help
to get the British out of Santa Maya quickly,
before our people turn against us.
Yeah, I see. You realise, of course,
that Mr Lacrobat's fees
are not inconsiderable?
The money is no object.
We would sell our grandmothers for such a man.
Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.
With this Lacrobat's help,
Santa Maya will once again be ours.
Soldier boy, don't point that thing at me
Left and right, we've
got to work all night
My mama never told me I'd be in a fight
I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul
I'd lay down anything I was told
Because we're out here
trying hard to do our best
It's pretty plain for all to see
So, just be careful, soldier boy
Don't point that thing, point that thing
Point that thing at me
Left and right, we've
got to work all night
My mama never told me I'd be in a fight
I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul
I'd lay down anything I was told
Now here's the man
with the Mesmer eyes Ed Rosario!
Yes? What do you want?
Well, come on. Identify yourself.
Oh, God!
Hi, there. Looking for me?
You don't recognise
America's greatest illusionist?
Johnny Brainiac...
Master of Magic
The man who made Hollywood Boulevard
vanish beneath a silk handkerchief.
The man who once made
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee appear
inside a tuna fish salad.
See, I'm here
to baffle and bewilder your countrymen
with a small performance from my repertoire.
Now, if you will excuse me,
I've got to go through and set up for my act.
I can't let you do that, sir. Otherwise...
Well, what have we here?
My letter of accreditation.
I'll have to take a look in the truck first.
OK. When I snap my fingers...
...you will become a chicken.
A loud, squawking...
You will be in a real panic.
The whole place will be on fire for you.
Smoke everywhere.
You will suddenly become very sexy.
You will do a striptease.
You will be sensational.
All right. Are you ready? Here we go.
Stripper music
There's a fire!
- Cluck-cluck-cluck!
- A fire! Smoke everywhere!
What's he doing...
Fire! There's smoke everywhere!
Fire! Fire!
- Cluck-cluck-cluck.
- What's he doing? Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Get the fire team!
- Cluck!
- Fire!
All right, Harry. Time for a cup... Eh?
Ladies and gentlemen,
for my first trick, I shall require the
assistance of a member of the Royal Family.
A princess, perhaps.
Come along, ma'am.
I'm hopeless!
Now we have a lovely princess
we must have... a palace!
If the Princess will join me inside.
Stop! Stop him! That man's no magician.
Oh, my God!
Quick. Search that elephant.
Yes. Yes, Your Majesty.
I shall leave no stone unturned.
I'm discharging myself now
and assuming complete control.
Whoever is guilty of this heinous atrocity
will pay dearly.
You may depend on that.
Since, at the time of the kidnapping,
I was personally indisposed in hospital,
my two cabinet colleagues,
Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman,
were technically responsible
for the safety and security of the Princess.
Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman
are honourable men,
and within the last 24 hours,
they've each submitted to me
a written request to be publicly crucified,
and with great regret,
I've had to accept their requests. Thank you.
"An estimated crowd of 100,000
witnessed the event
and throughout the day,
all national TV programmes were blacked out,
and replaced with sombre music. "
Well, I guess we sit tight now
and pray he doesn't do anything rash.
The man just held a public crucifixion
at Wembley Stadium!
Well, he certainly has
moved to the right politically.
So, Mosquera hired Lacrobat to kidnap Wendy.
But why? And what happens next?
- Excuse me, madam.
- What?
- There's a special message for you.
- Yes?
it's in the form of a Rambo-gram, madam.
Excuse me?
Send him in.
I have for you a message here
from Mr Lacrobat
He has sent an ul... timatum
just to tell you where it's at
If the British don't pull out their troops
in 84 hours flat
Princess Wendy will be killed
Get on the phone...
Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah
Her head, with lead
it will be filled, yeah
Her royal blood, it will be spilled
If the Brits don't shift their ass
84 hours! That's what? Saturday, midnight.
Marv, tear the Caribbean apart.
Drag the North Atlantic,
if you have to, but find her.
Gather round, everybody!
See what I've got here!
Something that will excite your imagination.
Yes, indeed. Step right up.
I'm sure that you and your partner
will enjoy a thrilling adventure, to excite...
Break it up, now, folks. Move along.
Come on Move along
Move along there. Come on.
Thank you. That's it. Now, come on.
Come on, Sheriff!
Couldn't you prevail upon them
to stay for just a moment?
I still have three more boxes
of whistling condoms to dispense.
Just what the shit are you messin' at
with this fancy wagon, boy?
We've got a respectable
town here, and I ain't...
- Whistling condoms?
- That's correct sir
Dr Hans Janker's whistling condoms
are the very first contraceptives
to play a tune upon ejaculation.
They come in seven different melodies,
and so can you.
Pedro The Fisherman, Sabre Dance,
Sparky's Magic Piano, Big Rock Candy...
All right! All right.
Now, just who in the hell are you, anyhow?
February's the name, sir.
Roderick Jesus February.
Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites
in the state of Florida for eight decades.
Ah! A most discerning choice, sir.
The blow-up sheep.
Blow-up what?
It's a brand-new addition
to our wide range of inflatables.
Especially designed for
the farming community.
The deluxe model has three holes,
which makes it ideal for parties,
and, of course, if you
wish to hear it climax...
Jesus H Christ!
- Give me your hands.
- Ah, so that's where your tastes lie, huh?
Now, you should have specified.
You see, we are the nation's foremost supplier
of top-quality bondage accoutrements.
As you can see, my beautiful assistant Wendy
is wearing the latest
in our corporal restraint collection.
Note how the twin-tied Indian hemp
with triple-bonded padlocks and nipple grips
resist even the fiercest struggle,
while the moulded latex muzzle
is guaranteed three years against teeth bites.
Holy Gideon!
If I ain't seen enough dirt here to run you in
and throw the whole goddamn book at you,
my name ain't Maxton S Pluck,
County Sheriff.
Now, er... Sheriff, let's
not be so hasty, hm?
I'm sure that we can work out
some little... arrangement. Hm?
Maxton, this is so unlike you!
Ooh! Ohh!
There now follows a special broadcast
by the Prime Minister
the Right Honourable Sir Mortimer Chris MP
Good evening. Tonight, as I speak to you,
we face the gravest crisis in our nation's history.
Tonight our fairy-tale princess
is at the mercy of the enemy
She whose beauty
charm and vivacious good humour
endeared her to millions the world over
she who
with selfless disregard for her own safety
joined our gallant forces
to fight for freedom against a foreign foe
has been cruelly and savagely prised
from our bosom
The time has come to act.
In a situation such as we face today,
a prime minister has to be resolute.
But you can't be resolute
without showing you're strong,
and you can't show you're strong
without blowing people up.
General Mosquera
has threatened to carry out his execution
at 5am, our time, on Sunday.
I shall now respond
with an ultimatum of my own.
Unless Her Royal Highness Princess Wendy
is returned to us,
alive and unharmed, by that time,
I will have no choice
but to authorise the use of nuclear weapons
on the capital city of Maguadora.
It may sound harsh,
but I'm sure you'll understand.
There is no alternative.
We are in a terrible crisis.
The British imperialists...
are preparing a nuclear
strike on our capital.
Vot, vot. Poskoreye.
Yeshche raz poprobuyem. Bystro! Bystro!
Yeshche raz.
Yeshche raz. Kruchaytye sto raz!
He has taken the news very badly.
Madam President, there are rumours
circulating around Washington this morning
that General Mosquera
has just made a military
pact with the Soviets,
and that Russia would now back Mosquera
against the UK
in any nuclear exchange.
Oh, well! I don't know where you heard that.
- From the Chief of the Defence Staff.
- Yes, that is correct. Yes.
And all because one man, this Lacrobat,
not only foiled your attempts
to avoid war in the first place,
but is now preparing to assassinate
a British princess in 36 hours' time,
which in turn will trigger a major nuclear disaster
down in the Caribbean.
The whole world is asking the question:
Why haven't you caught this man?
Yes, indeed...
and I'm glad to
be able to answer that question
basically because...
I seem to... er... let me...
This is the Network News, Washington.
I'm Dan Hickey. Good evening.
Opinion polls in Britain show the population
overwhelmingly behind their government's threat
to launch a nuclear attack on Maguador City,
unless their favourite Royal, Princess Wendy,
is returned alive and well by midnight, Saturday.
Opposition leader Mr Gerald Whibley did briefly
question the Prime Minister on the decision
in the House of Commons this afternoon,
and was immediately denounced as a witch.
Detectives acting on Sir Mortimer's instructions
searched Mr Whibley's house in North London,
and found a series of broomsticks
and a tall, pointed hat.
President Adams has dismissed suggestions
that the Soviet Union
might launch a retaliatory strike,
since the Russians have no capacity
for tactical nuclear exchange in the Caribbean.
And now the rest of the news.
The body of an American journalist
who sailed with the task force to Santa Maya
was today found
floating in the sea off Louisiana.
How he got there
and the circurmstances of his death
remain a mystery
Come on.
Hey! Careful what you're doing
The more I thought about it
the more a strange theory
began to form in my mind
There was no doubt about it
This obscure little island was no tourist haven
It was being used
as a Soviet nuclear missile base
right here on America's doorstep
Sorry to call you down at this hour, madam,
but this represents a major escalation
of the crisis.
A Soviet theatre capability
in the Caribbean.
This could blow the whole thing wide open.
Did you contact Marv?
- He said he'd be right down
- Hey, I just heard.
We'll have to lay this on the line for Chris now.
We only have 25 hours.
Bill, have them saddle up Air Force One.
I'm flying out to London tonight.
I would like an early call at 6:30, please.
I have to be at the airport.
Also, I would like croissants and confiture,
and dark-roasted coffee
Put the luggage in my room, please.
Holy shit. What is that thing?
Some kind of gorilla you've got?
Get that out of here!
Uncultured scum. This beast is a fine...
Quiet, Princess!
Let go of me, you fool!
Now look what you've done. You've upset her.
Once I've given her her Valium suppository...
- Uh?
... she will be no trouble at all, I assure you.
You ain't bringing no monkey into this hotel.
I see. And suppose I ask you to...
reconsider, huh?
Send the riot squad! Kong just escaped!
London time is 6:30am,
and we'll be landing in Heathrow Airport
in about 40 minutes from now.
What is it?
I don't know how you can do it.
Sorry, sir?
I don't know how you can sleep when we're
only 24 hours away from a nuclear war.
Sorry, sir.
Christ Almighty. What are we doing?
Just obeying orders, sir.
Hello. How are you? Very nice to see you.
Look this way.
- Good trip over? Thank you. Thank you.
Er... yes, yes.
The Soviet Ambassador
has made it quite clear
that no way will his government tolerate
the first use of nuclear weapons.
The second you release that Trident
on Maguador City tomorrow morning,
they'll let loose with
everything they've got!
They have enough firepower on that island
to blow your entire fleet to hell and back,
and then we'll be into
a superpower face-off!
So, surely you can see that nobody's life,
not even that of a member of the Royal Family,
is worth a global holocaust.
Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way,
I never took you for a pinko.
Obviously I was mistaken
You see, we in this Conservative Government
have always believed
that it's totally immoral to waste billions of
pounds on nuclear bombs that are never used.
Erm... but...
where is the sanity in vaporising
millions of totally innocent people?
Well, it shut Japan up, didn't it?
Khorosho, tovarishchi. Khorosho.
It is all a game of bluff, General.
Nothing more.
And we hold all the cards.
It is vital that we stand our ground now.
You're right.
Nuclear war is unthinkable.
Once it has started... no-one can win.
I know what you're going to say, Barbara.
Nuclear war is unthinkable,
because, once it's started, no-one can win.
Well, you're wrong.
You see, I've already taken
all the precautions necessary
to protect my people against nuclear attack.
Naturally, I've had to keep this all
very hush-hush, as you'll understand.
I think I can say that British technology
has come up with a real winner.
How about that?
This provides complete protection
against thermo-nuclear explosions
up to 20 megatons.
And it's cheap - a pound. We've given
the contract to a firm in Milton Keynes,
and they're churning them out by the truckload
even as I speak.
There you have it.
Er... but, surely...
...it's just an umbrella?
No it's all wrong
We're combing Central America for him.
That's not the way he operates.
He gets a real kick out of taunting us.
We've got to think the way he thinks.
Now, if you were Lacrobat,
and you'd kidnapped a British princess,
where would you hide her?
So lifelike! You could almost
believe it was her.
How could anyone
want to harm such a darling creature?
I hope they burn in hell.
Come along, ladies.
We close in ten minutes.
With just eight hours to go before Britain carries
out a nuclear strike on the capital of Maguadora
thousands of panicking citizens
are attempting to flee the city
Meanwhile the Prime Minister took time off
today to visit the London Wax Museum
where his new waxworks image was unveiled
- Madam, we've just...
- The wax museum.
Air Force One is standing by, madam,
to return to Washington.
The way the situation is, we've got
to get you back to the nuclear shelter.
Wax museum? No. Dumb idea.
This is Trident.
Preparing to release in... 57 minutes.
All officers and men will remain below decks
until the effects of the airburst have subsided
We repeat this is not an exercise
All primed and correct, sir.
We're ready to go in 57 minutes from now.
They could still find her, sir,
with a bit of luck.
What the world needs now is a miracle.
He was shot with a 357 Magnum ma'am
like the guard Lacrobat killed in Santa Maya
That has to be it. It has to be.
All right, my sons!
All right, my lads. Now, we know Lacrobat's
in this building, and he's got the Princess.
Dennis, the grappling irons.
Desmond, the heavy-duty grenades.
Duncan, the land mines.
Desmond, put your fucking tiara on straight.
Right. Once you get inside...
- Can I bring the tiger?
- No, you can't bring the fucking tiger!
It's more trouble than it's worth.
You leave it in the van.
Right. All those in camouflage,
take up positions inconspicuously
all over the building.
If you see anything suspicious,
contact me by radio.
Everybody else,
come with me to the Royal Gallery,
where we believe Princess Wendy
has been placed in a comatose condition.
OK. Now, then...
- Are there any questions?
- Where do babies come from?
Community policing!
Desmond, check for unexploded bombs.
Donald, make those fucking pictures safe!
Vandalise the doors to the lavatory.
Good, good, good.
All right, my boys...
All right, my boys.
Dennis, the bag.
- I want everybody...
- Please, sarge, my foot's stuck.
Oh, Christ! Who's got the saw?
- Here, sarge.
- All right. Off you go.
We've made it into the foyer...
Please, sarge. How do we get tickets?
What did you say, Douglas?
How do we get tickets?
What the fuck are you talking about?
"How do we get tickets?"
We're the fucking SAS!
Use your Sten gun and break into the kiosk,
for fuck's sake!
You're a bastard! You're a bastard!
Right. Stop!
Douglas, go!
All right my lads Here we go
Thanks, Doug.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Go, go, go, go!
Good. Very nice.
All right, my lads. If we're all ready...
Donald, you stupid fucking prick!
I meant saw the door off.
- Christ Almighty. What a wanker!
- Sorry, sarge.
Right, my lads.
Now, the three main things to remember here
are vigilance, caution and accuracy.
What are vigilance, caution and accuracy
the three main?
Things to remember.
Right, my lads.
- You all got tickets?
- Yeah!
Right, then. Into the lift.
Fuck! Dinsdale...
Open the fucking doors!
They're jammed on the inside sarge
He says they're jammed on the inside.
All right, my lads!
You bastards!
You callous, brutal bastards!
He was the best man at my wedding.
He's dead now, sarge.
I know he's dead now, Douglas!
I can spot a fucking stiff
when it falls out of a lift.
Christ Al-fucking-mighty!
Right. Let's go.
Go! Go! Go! Go in the lift.
Go! Go!
All right. The ram.
Push! Push them in the lift! Push them all.
Push them in the fucking lift!
Keep pushing, Douglas.
Push. Push them in...
Do what I'm telling you.
Khorosho. Khorosho.
Er... pozvoni.
Poprositye k telefonu, pozhaluysta,
nachal'nika Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland.
Go Get Princess Wendy
There she is.
Got her, sarge.
The fate of the world is at stake.
Use subtlety and discretion wherever possible.
Think it through my boys All right my sons
So that's theirs
That's George VI
That's Archduke Ferdinand.
That's Desmond. That's ours.
And that's Haile Selassie.
No, that's Denzil, sarge.
Oh, yeah, so it is. He's had his hair cut!
How many does that make?
We lost 11 men...
but the dummies lost 28!
And what about Lacrobat?
- Erm...
- I didn't see him.
I don't think he was here, was he, lads?
Didn't see him nowhere, sarge.
Me too.
He must have been somewhere else.
You fucking bunch of dickheads!
Y^ou mean to say
we lost 11 men,
fighting a group of waxworks?
I don't fucking believe it!
Anyway, the main thing is, we got her out safely,
before he had a chance to...
What in the name of fuck is that?
It's a wax dummy.
Yes, I can see that, Dominic.
I didn't think it was a seven-foot-long bogey.
Oh, Denzil's had his hair cut.
'Ere sarge
I'm picking up something
on the bomb detector.
Yeshche pyat' minut.
Otpishitye kod.
I nachnitye schet.
Don't move anybody
Everybody absolutely still
Get the bomb-disposal guys.
Right. We have got... nine minutes!
Right. Donald and Darryl,
get her outside to the van. Quick.
Douglas, stick their heads in a sack
and get them posted back to their widows.
And get the addresses right this time.
And somebody get all this mess cleared up.
I think she's OK, Darryl.
I think she's coming round now. Darryl?
What the fuck are you...?
Donald, if I've told you about that fucking thing
once, I've told you a thousand fucking times!
All finished, sarge...
There we go. One for you. One for you.
And what about you, little girl?
Would you like one of these
to keep off that nasty old mushroom cloud?
Yes, of course you would.
You promise to vote Conservative
when you grow up?
- Yes.
- Good little girl.
Now, then. Let's see.
How did you vote last time?
Liberal Party. Oh, dear. What a shame.
Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.
Ah. These look like a nice
Conservative family.
Good morning to you all.
Just take one of those.
What you do is stick it up, sit underneath,
and then you'll be as right as ninepence.
All right?
Now, some more over here, aren't there?
Yes, this is very jolly, isn't it?
Hello. Good morning.
Got your umbrellas for you.
Very simple to use.
Just stick it up in the air, and...
Aren't these lovely little things?
So simple, yet so effective.
Well, where in hell is he?
I don't care. Put me through!
Understood. Aye-aye, sir.
She's safe, Prime Minister!
They found her just a few minutes ago.
She's alive and safe.
You can call off the nuclear attack.
What? I'm sorry.
Sir Mortimer...
Did you hear me?
It's no good. I...
I can't... I can't hear a thing.
- Hello?
- Yes, I'll have to hang up.
Switch me through to the Commander
of the task force in Santa Maya.
Christ Almighty!
Hold everything!
Do you hear me?
This is President Adams
speaking from Air Force One.
We have found Princess Wendy.
Do not fire the missile. Do you hear me?
The crisis is over.
Sir, what do we do?
What do I tell them, sir?
Sir, what do I tell them?
Just when you thought you were having fun
Just when your song got to number one
Just when your girl said, "You're my man"
And you said, "Wow!
I'm having a great time"
Hold me tight - time is precious
Love and success are both infectious
For crying out loud, did something hit us?
I think they're out to get us
Whoops apocalypse
Whoops apocalypse
Whoops apocalypse
The light's still on and
the fire's still burning
The paint's still wet and
you're still waiting
Guess the times are really changing
And you say, "What on earth is happening?"
I forgot the umbrella
That kept me warm and gave me shelter
So why don't I feel much better?
This dream becomes a nightmare
Whoops apocalypse
Now the flame is hypnotic
The beat becomes metronomic
The politics are schizophrenic
So why am I optimistic?
Do I really have to be here?
The Princess smiles
She's got her answer
Puts her head upon my shoulder
And from now on things will be better
Whoops apocalypse