Who's Got the Action? (1962) Movie Script

Good evening.
Right this way,
Make a wish.
Blow out the candles.
Telephone call,
Mr. Flood.
Save it.
Save it, sweetheart.
I'll be right back.
Take five.
That was the office.
At this hour?
Yeah. They wanted
some information
on Brink vs. Brink.
I'm trying the case
in the morning.
I thought you were
trying it tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Hmm? Forgive me.
It won't happen again.
Let's dance.
Telephone, Mr. Flood.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
For a minute I thought
he was cutting in.
It's a very lovely song,
but perhaps you'd better
play the rest of it
in the telephone booth.
Where'd she go?
She left.
She laughed at what?
Oh, she left?
What number do you want?
Uh, of course you have
the wrong number, lady.
No, this is
Dunkirk, uh, 20799.
Lady, when I become
an ear, eye, nose
and throat man,
you'll be
the first to know.
Can you imagine that?
She wanted to have
her tonsils painted
at this time
of the night.
It takes all kinds.
I'm going
to make some coffee.
That's a pretty clever move
at 3:00 in the morning.
And make
instant coffee!
I don't want to be listening
to percolators all night long!
Oh, hello.
Buenos dias,
Senora Flood.
Good morning, Roza.
You spend
the night there?
I'll be out of your way
in a minute.
Something happened?
I mean, between
you and your husband?
I was working
on my novel,
and I dozed off.
You'd better
prepare breakfast
for Mr. Flood.
Mrs. Flood, don't be
like my sister Lucia.
She spend a lot of time
on the couch, too,
but not sleeping,
Will you please
prepare breakfast?
Oh, senora,
I'm sorry.
But listen,
if ever you want
to tell me about it,
you know
you can trust me.
I lay down my life
for you, Senora Flood!
Oh, now look, Roza,
this is not the battle
of San Juan Hill.
Just breakfast, please?
Hey, that's a good idea.
Listen, you feed a man
good in the morning,
and it takes care
of what went on
the night before.
Good morning,
Mr. Flood.
I'm going to make you
the most terrific breakfast.
Make you forget
all about last night.
Remember me?
What are we going to do?
We are going to
clean this house
to the best
of our abilities.
That's what
you're going to do.
Will you please
get me some coffee?
I tell you, Mrs. Flood,
he's got something
going on the outside.
I feel the vibration.
I know.
That's why my sister
spend so much time
on the couch.
if you were not
an old family retainer
who's been with us
for seven whole weeks,
I'd send you packing.
Si, senora.
Hello, who is this?
He hung up
without saying a word.
Then how you know
it's a he?
I could tell.
By the breathing, huh?
Senora,you better
do something fast.
you're out one husband,
and I'm out one job.
You may be out that
in any case.
You wanted some coffee.
Yes, I think
I mentioned it.
I'm going to make it
black, black, black,
and strong.
And we can
start thinking
about what every
red-blooded American
woman wants.
Flood, Morgan,
Biddle, and Clay.
No, Mr. Flood
isn't in yet.
Oh, just a moment.
Mr. Flood, telephone.
Morgan in yet?
Yes, but what about...
Flood, Morgan,
Biddle, and Clay.
Come in.
Steve, boy!
Hi, Clint.
I just came over
to tap you
for 200 bucks.
Wrong office.
You'll find Biddle
down the hall.
He likes you.
You know,
there aren't many
of those kind left.
Here, have some
sunflower seeds.
Good for your metabolism.
I know what's good
for my metabolism,
and I need $200.
I thought you'd come
to fork over the 250
from last week.
No, 200 till Thursday.
All right,
I'll make it
till Wednesday.
$200 on top of
a shaky 250?
Steve, you can't
go around spending money
like there's no tomorrow.
If you don't
lend it to me,
there may
not be a tomorrow,
May not even
be a today, Clint.
Speaking of today...
Well, Brink vs. Brink...
How are our chances?
Oh, nil on this,
nil, nil, nil.
Clint, this is Melanie.
I called you on
your private phone
because I didn't want to
go through the switchboard.
You understand?
Could you hold
the line a minute...
What were you saying,
Oh, I was
just saying that
this is simply a case
of, um, a woman
getting tired of a man,
which, eventually...
Well, it always
happens like that,
and, uh, you can't
win this kind of case...
Could you hold the line,
please, Uncle?
Uh, unless you're
handling the woman,
you know,
and we got
Mr. Brink here.
So I was wondering
if I could get
some of your ideas on
this case here.
Oh, well...
Thank you.
Thank you, Clint.
Oh, and thank your uncle.
Now you can
get back to the dame.
No uncle ever calls you
on your private telephone.
Hello. What's the matter?
Are you all right?
Oh, Clint,
I have to see you.
It's dreadfully
important to me.
I need you.
You need me?
Through the years,
who have I always
counted on?
Who's always been closer
to me than anyone?
Oh, meet me somewhere,
I must talk to you.
Well, I...
I don't know what to say.
Well, just say the name
of a hideaway
where we'll meet for lunch,
just the two of us.
The two of us?
The two of us.
La Scala. -30?
See you there.
Sir. Sir?
How are you?
This way, please.
Two whiskey sours
with a twist of lemon.
The music,
could you bring it up,
just a little?
Oh, you're a darling
to meet me like this,
when you probably have
a million lawsuits
to attend to.
I guess you know
I'd always be around
if you needed me.
Whiskey sours
with a twist of lemon.
I remembered.
Whiskey sour
with a twist of lemon.
Summer of 1957.
And the violets?
They're pretty.
They're your favorites.
I'm on the verge of
the most important
decision of my life.
I understand.
Uh, let's get this
nice and cold here.
Make things easier.
What would you say
if I told you I wanted
a divorce from Steve?
I'd say
he's driven you to it,
and it serves him right...
Ooh! Mmm...
You haven't changed perfumes.
It's still Je Reviens.
Well, for the last
few months,
he's been getting
the strangest
telephone calls,
all hours
of the day and night.
I'm out of
my mind about it.
The steaks here
are wonderful.
I thought maybe
if I started
...it might bring him
to his senses.
Oh! Not a chance.
Same way in the office.
We've talked to him
till we're blue
in the face.
It's hopeless.
A man gets
to playing the horses,
it's worse than drugs.
Don't worry.
We can plead
mental cruelty.
Oh, but that's
Just put yourself
in my hands.
Oh, and here I thought
Steve was involved
with women.
But horses...
Why, you can't
hate a man
for liking animals.
You mean, now you
don't want a divorce?
Oh, shh! Don't even
say the word.
Oh, if anything
ever happened
between Steve and me,
I don't know
what I'd do.
Oh, I love him so.
Could you remove
that champagne, please?
It's a little early
in the day for wine,
don't you think?
Horses, huh?
Well, we've got to
get hold of this thing
And stop it.
Well, certainly.
To whom can I turn?
You're his best friend,
his law partner.
why don't we order?
The silly goose,
why didn't he tell me?
Two filets of sole
on the lunch.
Please, could you
turn down that music?
I'm trying
to talk business here.
I'm truly sorry, sir.
How long has he
been playing
the ponies?
Oh, eight months.
Has he lost much?
Well, of course lost.
Now, how much?
You know,
right at the start
he was winning.
Those diamond earrings
he gave you
for your birthday?
A horse called Uncle Joe
paid a fabulous price.
Has he lost much
since then?
Eight thousand.
What else?
Oh, I can't eat.
I want to think.
You think. I'll eat.
I've got a plan...
and I want you
to pay attention,
because you are
the most important
part of it.
Oh, no.
Leave me out of this.
I know you from old.
You know
the time you ran
for councilwoman,
I made all those
speeches for you.
One week before election,
you switched parties.
After all
he's done for you,
you owe Steve
some consideration.
And he owes me $450,
if you're talking
about owing.
You mean, he's used
all his money
and he's working
on yours now?
Among others.
Well then, that's all
the more reason why
you'll want to help.
Oh, let me tell you.
Oh, please, Clint?
Okay, what's your plan?
How's the
case coming?
Brink is on the brink.
Ahh... My partner.
Here you are, here.
Excuse me.
Had it waiting for you.
Thank you.
Any action today,
Mr. Flood?
I'll call it in later,
Who's that?
That's my bookie
Your bookie?
Um, Steve, um...
I may
be in a position
to do you
a little favor.Yeah?
Yeah. Ran into
an old friend
of mine yesterday.
What do you think
he does for a living?
Well, who isn't?
Yeah, I'd like you
to get together
with this person...
This... this, uh, fellow.
What is this switch?
You're the one that's
always complaining
about me betting.
What's this?
No, no.
This guy runs a very
special operation.
Cash bonus
if the customer
loses $100.
Track odds, Steve.
Pays off on the dot.
Theater tickets
for two
if the customer
has a one-month
losing streak.
I think you're flipping,
Why don't
you try this fellow?
Oh, it would be a change
from that Clutch character.
Well, maybe you
got something there.
Let me have
his phone number
and I'll...
Uh... Oh!
I can't do that.
Well, this, uh...
He wouldn't trust
his own mother
till he got to know her.
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do.
I'll put down
the first few bets
for you, huh?
See how it goes.
Forget it.
Forget it.
I don't see how
this bookie of yours
can operate.
Why not?
I mean operate
without getting killed.
Why should he
get killed?
Well, the syndicate.
Nobody can buck
the mob and live.
Well, uh...
You remember One-Eye?
He didn't live a week
after he opened shop.
They found him
stiff in some alley
with the most unusual
expression on his face.
Nobody bucks
the syndicate.
That's, uh...
That's why this bookie
of mine is so careful.
I think you'd
better be careful, too.
Why didn't you tell me
the elevator was bugged?
I don't know.
I think I'll give
your bookie a try.
Yeah. I think I'll bet
Blue Eyes in the fifth
at Aqueduct.
I'll put 100 on him.
Might as well get off
to a good start
with this character.
Well, it's your money,
How are you going
to pay if you lose?
You know,
this character
pays off every day.
You lose, he pays.
He wins,
he wants his money.
That's reasonable.
We settle first thing
in the morning.
Just a minute, please.
Let me catch my breath.
I've been dancing.
Could I speak
with Mrs. Flood, please?
you're in business.
Made his
first bet today.
Blue eyes
in the fifth
at Aqueduct.
In about
half an hour.
How much?
One hundred.
A hundred?
Is he out of his mind?
Remember, as of now,
I'm his new bookie.
I'll take all his bets
and all his money
when he loses.
But where will
he get the money?
He's got that
all figured out, too.
Look, Melanie,
I implore you,
drop this insane caper.
Now, we've got to
think of something else.
Oh, nonsense.
It'll only take
a few months,
a year at the most.
It'll be fun.
You'll see.
Think of it.
At the end of the year,
I'll be able to
hand him...
How much did we say?
Oh, 8,000.
Well, I hope
the shock of it
will cure him
so thoroughly...
Melanie, I just
thought of something.
The syndicate.
If the syndicate
finds out...
Oh, you've been reading
too many comic books.
I'm booking 100 on Blue Eyes
in the fifth at Aqueduct.
I'm warning you.
Oh, look, I just have time
to finish a chapter
before I run down
for the results.
Oh, and, uh, Clint...
I did remember Acapulco,
and the violets
and the whiskey sour
with a twist of lemon.
And how strong your shoulders
were on those water skis.
They're still as strong
and as dependable as ever.
Why don't you take care
of your love life
on your own time?
I was just
calling the bookie
to place your bet.
If it's that much fun,
I'll have to
try it some time.
What's his phone number?
I know. He doesn't even
trust his own mother.
What's his mother's
phone number?
Let's get to work, huh?
Do you have to do that
every time
I start to write?
You got your work.
I got my work.
That's show business.
Sit down.
I might as well use you
as a sounding board.
Senora,I have
some beans
in the oven.
If I'm not dancing,
I'm listening.
These are notes
on chapter one
of an untitled work
by Melanie Flood.
Very nice.
Very good.
I go look
at the beans.
And stay.
Now, we develop
the character of
a tall, leggy redhead
who's been through
the gamut of love
from "A" to pick
your own initial.
A cheerleader
in high school,
she came to New York
as a band singer
and got kicked
around by men
till she had nothing
to cheer about.
Ah, but now she is
luxuriously holed up
in a lavish
Wilshire Boulevard
paid for
by a strange,
black-haired man...
Hey, those are our
next-door neighbors.
That's very good,
Oh, that's wonderful!
You see, a writer
has to hold up
a mirror to nature.
Senora,if that hoodlum
ever finds out
you're writing
about him
and his girl,
he's going to break
all your fingers...
Oh, that'll be Saturday.
I asked her over
for coffee.
I thought
a little more research
wouldn't hurt.
I'm warning you,
you're asking for trouble.
Will you please get the door?
Why don't you write
a book about me?
Nobody would
believe it.
Hello, Miss Knight...
Mrs. Knight.
Madame Knight.
Do you want
three more shots
for a quarter?
Hello, Saturday.
Oh, hiya, Melanie.
Gee, it's so nice of you
to ask me over for java.
Well, fine.
Won't you sit down?
Roza, the coffee, huh?
You know,
you're the only nice one
in the whole building,
outside of the super.
He had me over for a beer.
Well, one day I'd like you
to meet my husband,
and I'd like
to meet your husb...
I mean...
Oh. Uh...
Is he in town?
Yeah. The ape
just blew in.
I got a message
we're having dinner
A message, yet.
Everything's done
through a middleman.
Well, uh,
nearly everything.
What a piece.
Yes. It's beautiful,
isn't it?
Oh, do you know
the interior decorator
who's doing my joint
could learn
something from you.
That clock is
a French original.
Only one like it.
You know,
we got the same
kind of taste, kid.
How's about
unloading it?
Aw, fishes.
Come on.
Just name the price.
Go ahead.
Tony's the last
of the big spenders.
He'll buy me anything
but a marriage license.
Well, I know how you feel
about the clock, Saturday,
I felt the same way
when I first saw it.
I'd sell my soul
for this clock,
if I hadn't
already sold it.
That's my phone,
isn't it?
I think so.
Probably one of
the middleman telling me
where to meet him.
Tony's romantic that way.
He never calls up himself.
He's afraid
I might be
putting it on tape.
Give me a rain check
on the coffee.
Boy, I wish I was under 18.
I could sue
the pants off of him.
You know something, Roza?
I hadn't noticed it before,
but Saturday
has blue eyes.
And with her red hair,
it's very attractive, and...
Blue eyes.
I'm going down
for a newspaper.
Oh, and if the
phone should ring,
take a message.
What will I do
if I just hear breathing?
Breathe back.
Are you all right?
I think so.
You're not pregnant,
are you, lady?
What happened?
I don't know. I guess
you just passed out.
Melanie, what happened?
Oh, Clint.
Clint, look.
Oh, dear.
Uh, thank you, Officer.
I'll take her home.
All right, all right.
Break it up.
Get out.
You ought to take her
to a doctor.
She might be pregnant.
I got a feeling
for those things.
I delivered
more babies
than any cop
in my precinct.
Even delivered
one in a bus
going to the beach.
You better
take her in for X-rays.
Thank you.
I'll take her in tomorrow
for a complete physical.
Also a complete mental.
You almost
got killed.
$1,800 this comes to.
$1,800 you got
to give to me
so I can give to Steve
when he comes
crashing through
my door.
Where am I going to get
$1,800 by morning?
Before morning.
Well, then Clint,
that's almost--
You have to help
me now. Please.Oh, no. No, no.
You've done it before.
Please. Don't...
Just a minute...
I couldn't raise
that kind of money
if my life
depended on it.
It's up to you.
You must have something
you could, uh...
Well, what do you mean?
Something you can pawn.
The earrings.
You had them
at La Scala.
Oh, no.
What do you mean "no"?
You've got to raise
$1,800 right now.
Oh, but...
Now, wait. See?
It's after six o'clock.
You have a watch,
it's got diamonds.
That's the ticket.
Oh, Clint, no.
Not the watch.We could get the money...
And also, there are
no places open...Hiya, Melanie.
Melanie. Melanie.
I was going to help you...
Hello, Mr. Flood.
Oh, this isn't Mr. Flood.
Well, you can't
win 'em all.
Saturday. You can't
wait till Saturday.
Saturday Knight
with a "K."
That was my
next-door neighbor.
And if anybody knows
where to pawn things,
she does.
Now, she sings
at the Blue Slipper.
You wait until I change
and we'll go down
and catch her
in her dressing room.
Next time she runs
in front of a car,
I'm going to let her.
Come in.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh. Hello, Saturday. Um...
Thank you very much
for helping us out.
And you don't know
how much we appreciate it.
And, uh,
here's the jewelry.
Honey, you come
to the right place.
You're as good as counting
the cash right now.
Only thing, I have to get
on the horn to my contact,
but first I got
this rehearsal.
So catch me
after the second show,
and I'll have it
all set up.
Oh, but my husband
mustn't know about this.
I get the picture.
Can we have
a small meeting?
Tony bought this club,
so he'd know
where I spent my nights.
Looking at you two,
I guess there's a lot to be
said for the afternoons.
Oh, but it isn't
that way.
Listen, kid,
it ain't worth it.
When you got
a beautiful apartment
and a real,
honest-to-goodness husband,
don't blow it.
Take it from a girl
who's been left standing
empty handed
in every church,
and Buddhist temple
in the neighborhood.
I'll get you the dough.
You didn't strike me
as the type.
What do you got,
a slow backswing?
Young lady,
I don't know
what lurid picture
you have in your mind
about Melanie and me,
but get rid of it.
The money is not for me
it is for Mr. Flood.
Now, that's what
I call gratitude.
Clint. Clint.
now, I'll go home,
and I'll meet you
back here later
and give you the money.
No, no. Oh, yes.
What about Steve?
Well, tonight is
the monthly meeting
of the Hamilton Club.
And he never misses it.
I'll leave a note that
I've gone to my mother's.
I've got a meeting, too.
Thank you.
No. Wait a minute.
No. Clint.Please.
Hold on, honey.
Listen, you can't
let me down now.
No, no.
Look, we're almost there.
Please, I'm not going
to get involved with this.Please come on.
I'm not...
Pretty please, please,
please, please, please?
Kiss for the master.
You're drunk.
Only around the edges.
Come on, darling.
Ah. Hold the sake.
Beautiful oriental robe
for mama-san.
And a beautiful
oriental robe...
for papa-san.
Oh, you look pretty.
Now we both
take hot bath,
burn incense,
three sticks.
Are you insane?
Oh, really.
Sake to sip
during a lull
in conversation.
for Madame Butterfly,
a gift
from the Orient.
A jade necklace.
Oh, you spendthrift.
I just settled a case
for a sizable fee,
and I just bought
some things on credit,
that's all.
What case?
The Bentley matter.
I got $1,800.
Hey. Let's go heat up
the sake.
Wait a minute. What about
the Hamilton Club
and the monthly meeting?
Who wants
to spend a night out
with the boys now?
Then cut the judo.
I took lessons, too.
All right,
the best two out of three.
Oh, Steve!
I'm in no mood
for a hot bath
and incense or sake.
So forget it.
All right. We'll just spend
a nice night out
with a leisurely dinner,
cold bird and a bottle.
And I'll bring
the cold bird.
If you want
to take me out,
you can take me to
the Blue Slipper.
Our next-door neighbor
sings there.
Oh, why don't we just lie down
and wait for our
next-door neighbor
to come home
and she'll sing to us.
It beats paying
that cover charge.
All right.
I'll go alone.
Wait for baby.
Wait for baby.
Sayonara, sayonara.
This is the closest
I've been to you
all evening.
I saw you from the bar.
I thought I'd join you.
Well, why not,
uh, Clint?
I mean, with all
this extra room.
Hi, Melanie.
Long time no see.
Long time no see.
There's a new
Chinese expression
that's sweeping the town.
Waiter, pour scotch
all over us.
Uh, vodka.
Hey, Clint, this is
a strange joint
for you
to be seen in,
no matter who
picks up the tab.
Yeah, I know
the girl singer here.
Boy, she lives
next door to us,
you know,
and the guy that
pays her rent
looks like
Mack the Knife
on a bad day.
So easy, huh?
Hiya. Don't get up,
even if you could.
Hello, Saturday.
Oh, Steve, this is
our next-door neighbor.
Oh, hello,
Miss Knight...
Mrs. Knight.
At least you left out
the "Madame."
This is a fine place
you got here.
Thank you.
Well, skol.
- Sure it's cold.
- It's got ice in it.
In fact, she's my
very best friend.
I thought her
best friend was the guy
who pays her rent.
You know, if you
ever need anything,
all you have to do
is call on Saturday.
Well, I'm glad
you have
a nice friend.
Yes. She's
a wonderful friend.
I'll certainly
second that.
I like your dress
very much.
Thank you, Melanie.
Boy, you... Clint,
you sure are
a wonderful,
and a great friend,
and a partner.
This is going to be
one night...
Let's you and I
dance, huh, Melanie?
Oh, uh, not now.
Why don't you
ask Saturday?
Oh, thanks.
I'd love to.
I'm the party
just loaned you the wood.
Baldy is the name.
Oh, oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Thank you
very much.
Would you like
to have a quick
drink with us?
Oh, no, thanks.
When you're
in my business,
you never know
what's in the drink.
I can't
understand it.
Everyone asks me
to do them a favor,
and then
they hate me for it.
Oh. This is
Mr. Morgan.
Nice solid name.
He hates me
already, too.
You know I'm
a six-for-five fella.
That's when
I borrow you five,
you pay me back six
in one week.
That's 20% a week.
A mathematician, yet.
That's my vigorish.
You want better interest,
you go to a bank.
Look, my friend,
it's illegal. You can't...
All right. All right.
Call me a sucker
if you want,
but I'm gonna give
the little lady a break.
For her, 10%.
10% a week
is $180 a week.
I'm telling you,
he's a genius
with the figures.
There's no hurry
about it, though,
just so long
as you show up
with the vigorish
every week
'cause any friend
of Saturday and Tony Gagouts
is a friend of mine.
Oh, and if you ever
need to wear these...
Like an emergen...
You be my guest.
Go try to be
a nice guy.
Why, that
dirty hood...
this is no good.
What could I do?
You can tell Steve
all about it.
That's what you can do.
Is your head on
Can you picture me
saying to Steve
he didn't win $1,800?
No, but there are
certain things
that you can...
Don't be silly.
What a ghastly,
impossible mess.
What's done is done.
Now tomorrow you can...
That's what I'm
scared to death of.
and the next day.
and if he should
win tomorrow...
All right, baby.
Oh, you!
What did I do?
Last rack, fellas.
I got to bring home
a piece of prune danish
for my mother.
Gee, fellas,
I was ahead $17.
You may never
get to spend it.
T.G. wants to see you.
Fellas, please.
Can I go to St. Vincent's?
I want to light a candle.
You're Jewish,
ain't you?
Sure, but I like
to play the percentages.
Hold it.
Get in there.
Mr. Clutch is here.
You may go in.
So, you're Clutch.
Yes, sir.
Do you smoke?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
You in trouble.
I said,
you in trouble.
Yes, sir.
What kind of stupid
answer is that?
Gimme the papers
on this punk.
You got a customer
by the account number 267?
Yes, T.G.
You're a lying punk.
You ain't got that
customer no more.
How do you mean, T.G.?
That account has been
missing from the machine
four days now.
Out of action.
But I...
Shut up!
An $8,000 account
missing from the machine.
You know
why you ain't
in a cement box
under the river
right now?
Because you built up
this customer
in one short year
from a $2 slob
to a $50, $100
shot player.
That's why
I'm giving you
this chance.
But this Mr. Flood...
Don't you never mention
no names of a customer.
Nobody ever told you
that before?
We deal
with numbers.
Easy for the machine.
That's why
every customer got
a number, stupid.
I got a different
question for you,
and I want
a good answer.
Sure, T.G.
You taking this action?
Lucky for you I get
the same information
from the UNIVAC.
I'm going to show you
how it works.
You think of a name,
any name.
Somebody you know.
Louie. Louie the Nose.
Louie the Nose!
Louie the Nose is dead.
Ten minutes ago.
Don't you want
to know why?
He crossed
the organization.
That's the UNIVAC.
Keeps track
of the whole operation.
The horses, the numbers,
the slots, everything,
right to the penny.
How about that?
But it can't tell us
who's grabbing
the action.
Stupid machine.
Now, I could pick up
this customer,
whoever he is,
and I sweat it
out of him.
But I don't like
to do that yet,
because customers
like this,
they don't grow
on trees, huh?
So we got to
keep him happy,
playing with us.
You follow?
So it's up
to you, huh?
You want to get
this customer
back to us, follow?
But, T...
But what?
I follow.
And now, by the authority
vested in me...
...under the laws of
the sovereign state
of California...
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you,
Judge, please?
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
It's an extreme
We'll have you married
in a few moments.
This is
an emergency,
too, Your Honor.
I know. I realize
how important
time is to you.
Now, will you all
step into the other room,
No. This way,
please. This way.
I'm in big trouble, Judge.
You got to help me.
Sit down, Clutch.
I'll be with you
in a moment.
That couple can wait
to get married.
I don't give it
more than six
glorious months, anyway.
Okay, Clutch,
what's on your mind?
Well, Your Honor,
a couple of days ago
I'm in the poolroom,
and I was about to...
Have a cigar.
Flood, Flood,
a mutual friend
has asked me to
lend my good offices,
as the saying goes,
to bring you back
into the fold.
Who's the mutual friend?
I'll put it to you
straight, Flood.
Uh, Clutch is sick at heart
at your defection.
He's heartbroken,
the poor little fellow.
He's asked me
to talk to you.
Well, what gall.
Now, now. He supports
his poor old mother.
He told me he thinks
that you're...
you're sore because
you're a continuous loser.
Well, who's a loser?
I just won $1,800.
Are you getting
inside information,
Better than that.
What do you mean
better than that?
Getting away from Clutch,
that's what.
That he was my jinx.
Now, my new bookie,
he's fabulous.
Get this.
If I lose $100,
I get a cash bonus,
and he pays
track odds.
Dinners with wine.
Theater tickets!
Flood, do you know this
of your own knowledge?
That's all unimportant.
The switchover
is what did it,
getting rid of clutch.
I wouldn't go back to Clutch
if he stood on his head.
You know,
if I didn't have
this darned streak
of loyalty to the boy,
I'd be inclined
to dump him forthwith
and take on your
fabulous bookie myself.
I'm afraid that
would be impossible,
Your Honor.
I... I beg your pardon?
Well, um, my bookie,
you know, he...
He doesn't want
too many new customers.
I had a tough time
latching onto him myself.
You see, he's bucking
the syndicate, and...
Well, he's got to be
very careful.
Careful beyond reason.
He wouldn't want
his phone number
to get out.
Look here, boy!
There's more than one way
to skin a cat.
There's no actual reason
why I can't lay down
a modest piece of action
through you
on this fabulous bookie.
Well, I don't think so.
Well, he doesn't limit
the amount of your bet?
No, he doesn't.
Well, why not, then?
I'll tell you what.
I'll make him do it.
After all,
what are friends for?
By heaven, Flood,
you're a good sort.
Oh, that's all right.
Unless you can
produce evidence,
it seems to me
that the plaintiff
in this lawsuit
will be entitled
to recover
on his claim for
breach of contracts.
Psst, psst.
Uh, excuse me.
Yes, Your Honor?
Pardon us.
Would you mind sitting
at the counsel table
for a moment?
Now, this is
a sure thing, Sydney.
What do you say?
No, thank you.
I feel I am not upholding
the dignity of my high office
by betting on horses,
especially since
you've given me
nothing but losers.
Look, this is different.
I didn't pick this one.
We're riding with Maharajah
in the seventh at Aqueduct.
Fifty to win.
Each of us.
You know, Plimouth
if I hang around
with you much longer,
I'm going to wind up
on the other side
of this bench
facing somebody like me.
I couldn't stand it.
you're too cynical.
Now, here's a lad
who's been a steady loser.
He changes his bookie
and promptly collects $1,800.
The change
brought him luck.
You can't deny
the existence of luck.
I think that's how
you got your law degree.
Scoff away.
You'll whistle
a different tune
when Maharajah wins.
I have considered
this case very carefully.
I am going to give you
until ten o'clock
tomorrow morning
to furnish
any additional proof
on behalf of your horse...
I mean, client.
Court's adjourned.
Hey, baby, you didn't
put your robe on.
Go to bed, papa-san.
Right. Yours.
Your bed, right?
Right? Right.
And you kids are
still a little too young.
Oh, Steve.
Please, I'm tired.
How about a little coffee?
It'll perk you right up.
I think not.
Sugar and cream.
Perk you right up.
Uh, cigarette?
Chocolate bar?
Huh? Choc...
Hey, look at this.
This little piggy
went to the market,
this little piggy
stayed home,
this little piggy
stayed home with
this little piggy...
Oh, baby,
what's the matter?
A headache.
I can fix that up.
A headache.
A little anti-ache.
This works but good.
Down the hatch.
It never works for me,
so take it away.
I got the sure cure.
Up you go.
Up, up, up.
And relax.
Just relax. Just...
Let daddy
take care of you.
Relax. Come on.
That's better.
I learned this
from a little masseur
in the Orient.
You mean
I wouldn't know.
I had my back turned.
That's better.
That nice?
Delicious, huh?
Couldn't get
better treatment
if you were
the Maharajah.
Good night!
I'll sleep it off!
Oh, baby.
Oh, now, Steve,
this is ridiculous.
I have a
splitting headache.
Go to bed!
But I don't
want to go...
Will you please
go to bed?
I won't go to bed.
I'll take another shower.
A cold one.
Somebody told me
you supporting
an old mother.
That's right, T.G.
I think these guys
woke her up.
It's the only reason
I don't blast you.
'Cause I see
from the UNIVAC
that you lost three
more customers,
277, 281, and 284.
Hijacked, just like
the first one.
Oh, they ain't
been hijacked, T.G.
They just dried up
a little bit
because of no dough.
They run out of scratch.
It's only temporary, T.G.
They're coming back.
You can say it again.
They're coming back!
Because in the meantime,
you paying
what they would lose
if they did not
get hijacked.
But that's
four customers, T.G.
Big players.
I wouldn't eat.
Figure it out.
If you get killed,
you don't eat, either.
Get them back or find out
who's taking their action.
In the meantime,
pay off like a man, huh?
One thing more.
Keep on supporting
your mother.
Don't ever let me hear
she ain't eating.
You ever get down
to a spot
where you only got
scraps left,
she gets them, not you.
Don't forget that, kid.
'Cause we only got
one mother,
and that's a fact.
I don't know
how to thank you.
Oh, well,
cash will be
good enough.
Uh, you see, every week,
I have to come up
with the vigorish.
I didn't get no message
you were coming.
I'd have made
some goulash.
Hey, don't knock me out
with the goulash. Will ya?
I got problems.
Lot of problems.
Oh, you got problems.
Why don't you lie down
on the couch
and tell mama
all about it?
Four top horseplayers
hijacked out of action
and no trace who done it.
Four players.
Some nerve,
I must say,
whoever he is.
The guy's crazy,
just plain crazy.
I mean, what could he
get out of it except maybe
a split head?
Gee whiz,
where did you get that?
That's beautiful.
Yeah, and all these
pots here.
Where did you...
What, did the decorator
pick these up for you?
I've been making
the acquaintance
of my neighbors.
No kidding. You mean
that lawyer in 12A
and the great-looking
chick he's married to?
What do they want
with you?
I have coffee
almost every day
with Melanie Flood,
and I just bought
some of these pieces
from her
to fill in
the spaces like.
Yeah, well, listen,
whatever she wants
to sell, you buy.
It's got class.
Well, drop a few Gs
in the cookie jar.
Class doesn't come cheap.
Keep cultivating.
You know,
one of these days,
I'm gonna invite them
over here for dinner.
You'll see what I mean.
Well, I ain't suggesting
But like it would help
if we were married.
Now, listen, honey,
I'm a guy who deals
in numbers and averages.
My whole life
I spend trying
to beat the price.
The day that marriage
becomes a good bet,
I'll get in touch with you.
Keep rubbing.
You still got
that headache?
Yeah, it's...
it's killing me.
Good night.
Oh, by the way, Mel,
I've been meaning
to ask you...
Ask me?
Yeah. What happened
to all the furniture
in the apartment?
What do you mean? I...
I told you about
the porcelains
and the clock and...
Uh, what happened
to that coffee table?
Oh, that. Well...
That's out
being refinished.
You know,
it takes a while.
And. And...
That desk,
the beautiful desk
that I like so much.
What happened
to that thing?
Oh, kiss me.
How about the
Greek statue out...You just kiss me...
What am I
complaining about?
We still have
the beds.
Can I talk to you...
Not now, clutch.
Please. Please Mr. Sanford
I'd like to talk to you.
You can't come in here.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Sanford, listen...
If T.G. finds you here
in his sanctum sanctorum,
I grieve for you.
What more
could happen
to me?
Please. You know
the spot I'm in.
I'm a fellow human being.
Help me.
I'll help you.
Although I don't
exactly think of you
as a fellow human being.
Come on. Tell me
the whole story
right from the start.
Well, it all started
with this lawyer,
Steven Flood
on Wilshire Boulevard.
He lost $8,304.16
in five months' play.
All of a sudden,
he owed me $200,
and it took me
a long time to collect,
but he finally paid.
And the next day,
I lose this judge,
Judge Boatwright.
The next day,
I lose another judge,
Judge Fogel.
The day after that I lose...
Another judge.
No. No,
the day after that...
the day after that
I lose a brother-in-law.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's recapitulate.
Are you sure
that on the
very next day
this first judge
deserted you?
How do you know?
Because my
little book here,
and also the
UNIVAC machine
came up on the red.
Maybe it was the green
or maybe it was the blue,
but it was on the
UNIVAC machine.
All right. All right.
Hold it. Hold it.
Did this Flood
happen to have a case
before Judge Boatwright
on this particular day?
Sure, the Ruby-Schwartz
Ah, now, look,
here's an address
of a private
detective agency
we have
occasion to use.
Very proficient
with a wiretap.
Won't cost you much.
Just mention
our name,
and they'll give you
the usual discount.
Wiretap? What for?
You start with
the lawyer's office
and I don't think
you have to go any further
to find out
what you want.
Gee, thanks.
Thanks, Mr. Sanford.
I'll drop you
at the office.
I have to
pick up Steve.
We're driving
to Pasadena,
to Mother's.
Well, today may be
your lucky day.
Steve has given me
$200 to bet on a horse
that's spent the last
three years
on a stud farm
and that is not
a good way to train.
Well, who's the horse?
A creaking zombie
by the name of Sadness.
I've asked around,
and people who know
say that they only allowed
this horse to enter
for sentimental reasons.
You see,
she's got a few children
in the same race.
It's 80-to-1
on the morning... Ooh.
Race goes off
in a little while.
Oh, dear.
80-to... Say, suppose
Sadness wins?
Wins? Well, you just
said that...
I know what I said.
I'm saying just suppose.
Oh, don't be crazy.
80-to-1, why,
that would be, um...
That would be
Can't win.
Gee. By the way,
how are you paying off
this Baldy character?
Oh, one way or another
I come up
with the wood.
For instance,
I asked Steve for some
money for some clothes.
Now he can afford it.
Listen, Clint,
you don't suppose that
just by the slightest...
Oh! Not the slightest.
Can you picture yourself
sashaying up to Steve
and saying, "Steve,
honey, I need $16,000
to buy a dress
or some shoes
or something"?
It's the good lord's
to have a racetrack
near one's place
of employment.
Shut up, laughing boy.
Do you want
the whole world
to know we're here?
Don't be a crepe-hanger.
This isn't as if
we're here all day.
We're only here
for the one race.
Oh, there's Sadness.
Hello, Sadness.
I'm your friend,
Do you think he's
sweating too much?
Well, if it isn't
Judge Fogel.
Remember me,
Heimie Strauss?
You gave me 5-to-10
on a bum rap.
Hey, you don't have
to be ashamed
to talk to me, Judge.
I'm a reformed
I got an honest job
selling prefabricated
bomb shelters.
All different colors.
Here, have my card.
You may need one.
Even if there
isn't a war.
Hiya, Judge,
trying to improve
the breed or something?
Judge Fogel,
glad to see you
out here.
It means some poor bum
ain't getting the book
thrown at him.
What time
does your mother
expect us, honey?
In about a half hour.
You mind if I turn on
the radio?
This station
has classical music.
You? Classical music?
Since when?
Oh, it soothes me
after a hard day's work.
Late sports flash...
The results of the seventh
race at Hollywood Park.
The winner... Sadness,
the place horse,
Gone Goose.
Tricky One ran third.
I'm sorry, buddy,
but I know how you...
Here, let me help you.
Look, I know
how you feel, buddy,
but you see what...
Oh, no, you wouldn't
belt a woman,
would you?
I wouldn't, huh?
I wouldn't, huh?
No, no. Wait, look.
I tell you what...
I don't blame you.
It's all her fault.
I'll be your witness.
Look, I'll give you
our license number,
the name of our
insurance company...
It hurts me here.
Yeah? Well look,
and if there's
anything I can do
to expedite
the payment of damages,
you just call me, all right?
Now come on,
get right back
in the car.
It hurts you here,
I know. Look...
going to be okay.
Move over, honey.
I'll take the wheel.
Yeah. I told you
Beethoven's music
is the best music
in the whole world.
And don't you worry
about the damages
to the car.
I'll pay for it.
Late sports flash...
Sadness, the winner
of the seventh race
at Hollywood Park,
has been disqualified.
The second horse,
Gone Goose has been
declared the winner.
Oh, mister, please,
I'm terribly sorry,
but let's not make
a scene about it.
Now... don't!
Oh, no.
Oh! I'm terribly
sorry, sir,
but really,
there's a wonderful
little Japanese store
just right down here,
and you'll be able
to have it fixed.
Oh, and I'm really sorry.
It's all his fault,
but our insurance
will take care of it.
It hurts me over here.
I promise.
Oh, you poor man.
I'm sure it does.
With the disqualification
of Sadness,
the new winner
of the seventh race,
Gone goose, is now being led
into the winner's circle.
Hurts me here.
They can't do it!
Sadness beat Gone Goose
by five lengths.
They can't
disqualify him!
It won't stand up
on appeal.
Don't you understand.
It's the abuse
of discretion
by the racing
commission.Let's go.
I'll institute the case
at once.
Can I count on you
as a friendly witness?
Okay, pal.
I think you'd better
take your friend home.
Never saw him before
in my life.
What? Hey...
I tell you that you can't
disqualify that horse!
I'll take it
to the supreme court!
They're coming up
to the wire.
It's Sadness
the winner,
Gone Goose second,
and Tricky One third.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
after viewing
the picture of the race,
the stewards took down
Sadness' number
and declared Gone Goose
the winner.
I give up.
Who is it?
When are you coming
to bed, darling?
In about two quarts.
Well, I've laid out
your robe, papa-san,
and a nice hot bath
is ready,
and we're going to
get rid of all
that nasty tension.
there comes a time
in every man's life
when he wants
to be alone
with his thoughts.
Whether he has any
or not.
I'm sorry, master.
I'll wait for you
in our humble bedroom.
Believe me,
it's going to be
pretty humble tonight.
You may not believe this,
my love,
but I understand
exactly how you feel.
One thing I hate
is an understanding wife.
I'm going out
and get a drink.
And put a cover
on that birdcage,
'cause when I get back,
I don't want to hear
anybody singing.
Melanie, really,
this is getting to be
too much for me.
You've got to figure
some way to call
this whole thing off.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
was the breakthrough,
the end
of the winning streak.
Lay you 8-to-5
he loses today, too.
He's ready to see you now,
Miss Betts.
This way, please.
Yeah, well, all right,
you asked for it.
Today's bet is Zoomar
in the eighth.
What's so funny?
Oh, those names.
I tell you,
they're the cutest.
Oh, well, yes.
See how cute this is.
Zoomar is going
at 60-to-1,
and the bet is $300.
Sure, 18,000
if he wins.
You still there?
Well, good.
And if by any chance
an accident happens,
and you have to pay
out the 18,000,
I want you to please
feel free to call on me
for anything
up to $16, $17.
Okay, let's go.
All finished, boys?
I think the trouble's
all cleared up now.
That's nice.
Thank you.
I don't know why
you picked this particular
place to come to.
Well, this used to be
my favorite trap
in my bachelor days.
Oh, it's you again.
Two whiskey sours
and a twist of lemon?
Welcome to the club,
I'll turn the music up
in case your girlfriend
shows up.
Would you get lost?
Get lost, will you?
Two scotches,
Drink them both.
I'm leaving.
We got a case
to try.
I know why
you invited me
to lunch,
and I'm still not
telling you
the bookie's name.
I'll see you
in part five.
Hi, Flood.
Oh, hi, Judge...
Hi, Judge.
Well, did you
find out?
No. Nothing.
I tried everything.
I even offered
to buy him his lunch.
I'd like to
remind you,
young man
that if we
win on Zoomar...Shh!
As I was saying,
if we win on zoomar...Shh!
We've got
$18,000 coming.
That's a lot
of money
to be floating
around a big city
like this.
In all this smog
and everything.
We want to know
who this bookie is.
I'd rather know
where he is.
Let's have Morgan
and then we'll find
this character ourselves.
He's got to meet him
someplace, sometime,
and if we have him
tailed properly,
we'll not only
find our bookie
but we'll find $18,000.
I can get a detective
at the D.A.'s office.
Moriarty will
let me have one.
You want
that political hack
to know you're
betting on the horses?
Just when
I'm coming up
for reelection?
Use your head,
Hey, your brother-in-law,
Mr. Goody.
Can he do it?
Sure, he's got
an incentive.
He has 75 bucks
going on it himself,
and he looks
part Indian.
And Morgan's
never met him.
Herman, you've got
yourself a job.
You get over
to part five
with Steve,
wait there till
they finish that case
they're trying,
and then
tail Morgan.
Oh, boy,
this is exciting!
This is like
planning a crime,
and there's
no flaw.
Yes, there is
one big flaw.
How to get Morgan
out of court
before the race
goes off?
Five o'clock.
You know
who's trying our case?
Old Judge Swinely.
He tries
a traffic violation
like he's
Justice Frankfurter.
There ought to be
some way
we could get him
to adjourn early.
I could yell,
"They're off and running,"
but he's not
a horseplayer.
He's a stubborn
son of a... Gun,
you know,
but I'll figure
a way out.
See that you do.
I've known you
for years
as a young man
who'd try any low,
sneaky, lying trick
in the courtroom
to hoodwink
some unsuspecting
Make certain you live up
to your reputation.
Thank you, Counselor.
Not at all.
Oh, Your Honor, please,
I see by the clock
where it's only
20 minutes past 4:00.
Now, may I suggest
we continue on
with these witnesses
no matter how long
it takes?
We will not continue
right on, sir.
Why, you ought
to know better.
These witnesses
have their rights, too,
and homes to go to.
Tomorrow morning,
ten o'clock.
Oh, Clint,
I'm going back
to the office.
Now, if you ask me,
you'd better
hustle over
to that bookie
and keep an eye on him,
'cause in an hour,
he may be
on a slow boat
to a Chinese racetrack.
Look, my good friend,
I'm getting
a little sick of this.
I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of
those two jerks
in the black nightgowns,
and I'm sick of Zoomar,
and I hope he does take
a slow boat, huh?
What do you think
of that?
I think you're sick.
Oh, Clint.
I see your wife
fainted again.
Well, I'm glad
you were here.
Well, the X-rays
come out
all right?
What does it
look like,
a boy or a girl?
Who can tell?
Might be a horse.
The dingo there
is a good man.
He never makes a mistake
about a thing like this.
But there could
always be
a first time.
Then there could be
a last time, too.
we going to make a call.
We get to the
bottom of this.
Do we need
the artillery, T.G.?
Unless you object
on religious grounds.
Uh, T.G.,
do you think
this is sensible?
It may not be worth
all this trouble.
After all, it's only
four horseplayers missing.
Four horseplayers today,
tomorrow the world!
Psst! Psst!
Oh, there's
Goody now.
Oh, you've
got to be kidding.
Hey, I live here.
I know, I just saw them both
go into your apartment.
Clint and my wife?
They went up.
Are you trying
to start a rumor?
No. I saw them go in.
Why, the...
Don't jump to any
hasty conclusions.
Circumstantial evidence
points to a little
afternoon indiscretion.
Matinee madness,
I think they call it.Matinee madness?
Take it easy boy.
To think that my wife
turns out
to be his uncle.
I'll kill him!
Stay calm.
Restraint, my boy.
We all realize
the unwritten law,
but don't kill him
till we get the name
of that bookie.
There's $18,000
at stake.
Goody, you stay here
and keep an eye out.
But you can't run away.
Of course I can.
I'm tired of fainting.
But we can explain.
Oh, that he didn't
win $18,000?
That it was a big joke.
No, Mel...
Oh, come on,
you don't really
know my husband.
About a year ago,
Steve stepped into
this dining room,
looked angrily
at this beautiful
table setting
that I'd spent
four hours preparing.
He grabbed
the Belgian lace
and jerked it
into the air
like a maniac.
Without a word,
he stalked out.
That's my husband.
But why?
I had starched
his shirts.
Good-bye, Clint.
Look, Steve...
You'll never
believe what...
I don't believe it.
See what I mean?
Trying to sneak
out of town
like two thieves.
I can explain, Steve.
Well, you'd better
come through
loud and clear.
Look, Melanie and me...
Uh, Melanie can explain.
Go ahead, love,
you start explaining.
Yes? Come on.
It was like this.
I can't explain it
at all.
I didn't think so.
Melanie, Melanie,
you don't
appreciate that...I don't care.
Restraint, my boy,
Remember, we want
some information
from this fine...
Okay, folks, okay.
Just behave, and
nobody gets blasted.
Everybody's here, T.G.
Just like
it was a roll call
or something.
Judge Boatwright
and Judge Fogel
and Mr. Goody,
and this is Mr. Flood.
And tonight I bring home
my mother something nice.
Now, to get
to the truth,
we separate the boys
from the girls.
I learned
from experience
that nobody
likes to rat
with a lady present.
Mr. Sanford,
kindly accompany
Mrs. Flood
into the kitchen.
Oh, well,
it's right in here.
Fix her
something tasty.
Excuse us
very much.
We clean up this hijack
nice and easy.
You're the first one,
Your Honor.
I do not require you
to take an oath,
just talk.
I trust you know
you're breaking
a few hundred laws,
you hoodlum.
I'm convening
a grand jury
in the morning.
Your Honor,
how many people
you got
sitting on
a grand jury?
Twenty-three. Why?
I'll lay you
half of them
are horseplayers.
What are you
gibbering about?
Half of them
are horseplayers.
So what are
they gonna do
with their action,
give it
to the birds?
Go look for some
creep independent
who maybe takes
a powder if they win
or gets killed
if we find him?
Look at you with
all 'em brains of yours.
You playing.
That's different.
I play for
a specific reason.
I don't expect to win.
They why do you play?
It annoys my wife.
Now, here's
the question,
and I don't want you
to plead the fifth.
Who's getting
the action?
I don't know.
I give mine
to my colleague
Judge Boatwright.
He does the rest.
Don't try to extract
any information from me.
I never violate
a confidence.
Who grabs the action?
Mr. Flood, huh?
Now, don't
He's no bookie.
It's just that
we bet together.
I give him my play.
What he does with it,
I know not.
I suppose
he knows not, too.
Will you hurry
and get this lunacy
over with?
I have some
unfinished business.
Now don't be
a dope, Mr. Flood,
and get
yourself killed
just when
we straighten out
My friend over here
is just dying
to blast you.
He don't blast
nobody in a week.
You in trouble.
No, you in trouble.
Are you familiar
with the statute
"breaking and entering"?
From childhood.
From childhood.
Who grabs your action?
That rat.
Your partner?
Until today.
Now, wait a minute!
Now, before
you say something,
I'm going
to tell you this.
Somebody's going
to get hurt dead
if I don't
get the answer!
Now, you the last one.
Who's getting the action?
Before I tell you anything,
you got to promise... oh!
I promise you
one thing,
that you drop dead
in that chair
if you don't give me
the answer.
Who is it?
Hey, leave him go.
Mrs. Flo...
Mrs. Flood.
Mrs. Flood?
You mean to tell me
that Mrs. Flood
hijacked the four?
She only did it
because she loves
her husband.
She wants him
to stop betting on horses.
Oh! That's
the truth!
Hey, leave him go.
Mrs. Flood, huh?
You got a family?
A mother.
Because she's
going to be a widow
if this don't check out,
that's why.
Keep your eye
on the attorney.
Excuse me.
Mrs. Flood,
you done something
very bad.
Mr. Gagouts, I...
Mrs. Flood...
Now, I've been talking
with Mr. Sanford,
and I got
this wonderful idea.
According to him,
you handle more
than 19 million
I finish him.
I don't like bigmouths.
Well, you see,
I'm a writer.
Oh, Saturday
might have told you.
She's a bigmouth, too.
Well, if you became
a publisher...Huh?
Oh, please
bear with me.
Now, if you
published my book
and sold it
to these 19 million
Why they going
to buy books?
'Cause with every book,
you give them
a winning horse.
Winning horse.
Mrs. Flood,
you know,
you're a kook.
A genuine
dyed-in-the-wool kook.
Oh, Mr. Gagouts.
Mrs. Flood.
Now, I have researched
this entire venture,
and you can afford
to give me
a sizable advance royalty
because you could
make a lot of money
as a respectable
book publisher.
Mrs. Flood...
I got a deal
with Mr. Bennett Cerf.
He don't take horse bets,
I don't publish books.
Please follow me.
Oh, Melanie, this could
only happen to... Tony!
What are you doing
in this apartment?
I'm just cleaning up
a little business
here, kid.
This is
like the finale.
Stick around, huh?
Here is your bookie.
And it serves you
good and right.
Try to sweat
18 Gs out of her.
Why, do you know
what you can do
with $18,000 these days?
Why, that's...
9,000 $2-bets.
We can only
hope and pray
that all of us
learn a lesson
from this.
Don't play
with crazy
My representative
Mr. Clutch
will be around
in the morning
in the event
that numbers 267,
277, 281, and 284
wish to place their wagers
with an old
established firm.
I bid you adieu.
I just cooked
a brisket of beef,
and we'll have
potato pancakes
and apple stru...
Shh. Not tonight,
honey, not tonight.
I got to rehearse
for an appearance
before the senate
investigating committee.
Friday night,
channel 5.
If either of you
two delinquents
ever speaks
to me again,
I'll have you
Don't even appear
in front of us.
I tell you this,
you couldn't
successfully defend
Dr. Albert Schweitzer
on a malpractice charge.
I'm sorry you lost
all that money,
but don't blame
Mr. Flood too much.
Maybe you'd like
to stay for dinner?
and potato pancakes.
Take your hands off me,
young lady,
or I'll have you arrested
for peddling food
without a license.
But you don't even
know what I got
for dessert.
Dinner? Brisket of
beef and potatoes?
I know the menu.
I'm going to have
the filet of sole
on the lunch.
Darling, you won't
believe this,
but I've got
another wonderful idea.
Now, it's
a mail-order scheme
and the way I figure it,
in about three weeks...
In about three weeks,
I'll be a camel driver
in Calcutta.
You'll understand
if I don't send for you.
Oh, darling,
you're just tense.
Look, why don't you
go out and have a drink.
By the time you come back,
I'll have this
whole thing worked out.
Yeah, I'll have a drink
or two or three,
and then maybe
I'll get enough guts
to come back
and strangle you!
Oh, you're wonderful.
Hey, neighbor,
I got something
very important to show you
in my apartment.
A gun?
You got a gun?
You got a knife?
A rope?
A hammer?
This is my apartment!
These are
all your things.
Melanie sold them
to me
so she could
pay you off
when you won.
No jury
would convict me,
not even in front
of Judge Fogel.
First I'm going
to belt her
a few hundred times.
Why? Because she sold
all these beautiful pieces?
All the things
she loved?
Because she wants
her husband to herself
instead of sharing him
with a 3-year-old
who can go 7 furlongs
in 1:23?
How could I not know
this was happening
right under my nose?
Because nothing
was as important
as a winner, you big ape.
I only wish that
Tony loved me as much
as Melanie loves you.
I've been with that joker
eight years now
look what I got
to show for it.
Our album of memories.
Here's a picture
of us together outside
The Criminal Courts Building
in Chicago.
Tony was up
for trying to bribe
the governor. Acquitted.
I was his alibi.
You were his what?
His alibi.
Here's another one.Alibi?
Yeah. In the visitors' room
at San Quentin.
In the spring of '55,
assault and battery.
They had to release him.
I was his alibi.
You were
the alibi, huh?
Yeah. Say, how about
some dinner?
Oh, no.
Let's keep looking
through the album.
I'm a sucker
for sentiment.
Receipts are down
in Sydney, Australia.
Now, you better
have a good reason
for bringing this
goofball up here,
otherwise you go
the same way
as Louie the Nose.
Mr. Flood here
said he's got a big plan
to help you out, and...
Mr. Gagouts,
I want to sell you
an important piece
of legal advice.
For how much, $18,000?
By a strange coincidence,
that's the exact amount.
Hey, look,
you and your wife
are a couple of kooks.
I need bookends,
I call you.
Any legal advice I want
I get from the machine.
Never makes
a mistake.
1944, bribery,
acquitted, alibi.
1945, assault
and battery,
released, alibi.
1946, income tax...
This is all history.
Any kid
in the schoolroom
knows this.
I know you don't
trust lawyers,
but neither do I.
But I'd like to see you
put your trust
in this giant mechanical
brain of yours.
Just don't let it
sit there.
Do yourself
a big favor, Mr. Gagouts.
Give all this information
to that fine machine,
but also slip in
this possibility.
What would happen
if the witness
that you had
in all these cases
would switch
her evidence?
Nobody switches evidence
on Tony Gagouts.
Not as long as we live
in a democracy.
It'll only cost you
a small electric bill
to find out.
You afraid
to find out?
Okay, wise guy.
Hey, check this out,
And in the future,
take your action
someplace else,
will you?
I don't appreciate
your type
of clientele.
Give this gentleman
18 Gs from petty cash.
What's it say?
statistics show
that 83%
of the female
changes their mind
97% of the time.
criminal code 3254
that a wife cannot
testify against
her husband.
I never thought
I'd live to see
the day,
but marriage
has just become
a good bet.
Hey! What's
your hurry,
I just got a call from
one of Tony's middlemen.
I'm getting married.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
There's only one thing
that bugs me.
I don't know
if I'm marrying Tony
or the middleman.
What's the difference?
As long as he likes
your brisket.
How right you are.
Hi. Hand-painted French
provincial dinnerware.
Just what we need.
Oh, it's not for us.
No, it's for our
mail-order business.
We'll be flooded
with offers.
Come on.
I pay $1 apiece
for the plates
and then
we sell them
for $5.95.
Come on, Melanie.
To sleep.
This has been a long,
unbelievable day now.
Oh, no, later.
You see,
I have to get out
100 plates a day
to make my schedule.
Well, I guess
I could work
overtime tomorrow.
Oh, but we better bring
the alarm clock in
from the kitchen.
All we need
is a calendar.
This is May 23rd.
With time off
for good behavior,
you should be out
by July 14th,
Bastille Day.
Good morning.
Happy Bastille Day.
How you feeling,
lady? Any better?
Oh, yes, just fine.
He's taking me
to the doctor's.
We think we're going
to have a baby.
You and him
are going
to have a baby?
Say, what about
the other fella?
Oh, it's all right.
They're partners.