Why Can't My Life Be a Rom-Com? (2023) Movie Script
1
- Oh my God, this
is such a surprise.
A promotion?
So unexpected.
I had no idea this was coming.
I did work so hard.
Thank you.
Me?
I would love a corner office.
I accept.
Thank you so much.
I never saw this coming.
To my promotion.
(Eliza gargling)
Babe, did you get up early
to wish me good luck?
- Wish you luck? For?
- The promotion.
- Oh right, the promotion.
- Junior executive
event planner.
It's gonna be me, right?
- Oh, totally. It's yours.
- Oh, God.
I feel like Molly Ringwald
at the end of every movie.
I'm like, all my
dreams are coming true.
- You're such a geek for
those movies, aren't you?
- I know, I know.
And they're super problematic,
but I can't help it.
I love them and I love you.
Okay, bye.
- Wait, babe,
can you help me stretch this
canvas real quick, please?
- Oh, look, I would love to,
but I like, I can't
be late again.
- Oh, come on.
No, it'll take
like five minutes.
I'm feeling inspired.
You know what happens
if you start painting
when inspiration hits.
Come on.
- I know, I know.
And I don't wanna like
stifle your genius or anything.
But I-
- I need you.
Come on.
It'll be quick.
(upbear percussion music)
- I mean, it's so unfair.
I know that being
late is a no-no,
but you're really
gonna fire me over it?
- Well, did they fire
you for being late
or did they fire you
because you like-
- For talking back to my boss.
I know.
But I was just so like
overheated and emotional,
and I was just like really,
really, really upset.
I mean, that was my job.
You know, I was
late because of you.
- We're all grownups here.
You gotta be responsible
for your own decisions.
(Eliza sighs)
- God, I know, okay?
This is just the
worst day of my life.
- Well, at least one
of us had a good day.
I just heard back
from the gallery,
and they're gonna
give me my own show.
- Oh my God.
Really?
Babe, that's amazing.
I'm, I'm so proud of you.
I always knew that you
were gonna make it.
- I know.
That's why it makes it so hard
to tell you the other thing.
- What?
What other thing?
- I'm moving in with Sandra.
- The gallery owner?
Babe, it's sweet of you
to try to make me laugh, but...
Really?
(upbeat pop music)
Really?
I couldn't help myself
(glass slamming)
- There should be a rule
where you're not allowed
to lose your job and your
boyfriend on the same day.
- There is.
It's called decency.
- Oh.
- You know, it was
all working out fine
when he couldn't
afford to pay rent.
But as soon as his
career starts taking off-
- Are we surprised?
- Sofia!
Comfort me.
- I'm just saying,
this is nothing new.
Your last three boyfriends-
- Four.
Todd.
- Oh, ew, Todd.
I forgot about Todd.
See? This is what you do.
You take strays in
and you clean them up
and then change their litter.
- Oh, god. I need more alcohol.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
The next time that I
think that a guy is cute,
you're gonna step in,
you're gonna interfere,
and you're gonna say veto.
- I am a million
steps ahead of you.
I already have a plan.
- "A Guide to Marrying Rich."
- It's super legit.
The author, Margaret Dumont,
she went from being a secretary
to marrying one of the
richest men in the country.
- This book is ancient.
- Yeah, so is the Bible.
- Where did you find this thing?
- Some lame Tinder date.
This guy took me to
a used bookstore.
Like, is that even a date?
Anyway, thankfully
I found this book
and it was like, yes,
universe, I hear you.
- Yeah.
You hear the call of the 1950s.
- 1967.
- How is this even a thing?
You don't need a man to
have your dream life.
- Says the girl that screwed
up her dream job for a dude.
Look, I'm not gonna be
a bartender forever.
And I am super sick of living
with seven other wannabe models
in a two bedroom apartment.
Yes, we're all tiny,
so it's really only like living
with four people, but still.
And I'm not gonna get ahead.
Like my biggest paying gig
was that JC Penney catalog,
and that's just sad.
- Well, it would be nice
if someone could pay my rent
because lord knows
I can't afford it.
- So we sublet our apartments.
- No, I can't.
I need to find a job.
- How?
You work in a very
competitive industry
and you just got fired.
No one's hiring you.
- Aren't you supposed to
be making me feel better?
- We're going away
for the summer!
- You can't take the summer off.
You're employed.
- Oh, right.
Hey, Cass.
Yeah.
I quit.
- What?
Sofia, what are you doing?
- I am betting on myself
just like the book says.
You're only 25 once.
And do you know what we are?
- 26.
- Yeah, we are behind.
We need to get off our asses
and take charge of our lives.
- What? By leaving New York?
- Oh God, no.
Oh no.
We're going to the Hamptons.
My aunt has a timeshare there.
We'll live there for the summer
and come back with
rich husbands.
- Okay, wait.
You actually think
that both of us
are gonna meet rich dudes
and get them to marry
us before Labor Day?
- Well, according
to Miss Dumont,
hell yes.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, she did leave a key.
- Under a frog or something.
- Ah, there you go.
- Should just leave a key
under a frog ornament
like every other
old retired person.
- I'm sure there's a key
somewhere inside.
(Sofia grunts)
Are you good?
- Yes.
- [Eliza] You good
with these bags?
- I am.
- Buddy, need a little help?
There you go.
- This is why we need
rich boyfriends too,
because they will have
people to carry things.
- You know, we're only
here for the summer, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So you should take the loft.
It sort of feels like you're
sleeping in a tent up there
and I know you're into
that sort of thing
and you know I'm not.
- Happily.
So, I hate to always
be the practical one,
but first thing's first,
we're gonna find jobs, right?
- What for?
We have a free place to stay.
- Oh, I don't know, maybe food.
- Soon we'll have
rich boyfriends
that'll pay for all our meals.
- How soon?
(upbeat techno music)
- This is it.
The place to be and be seen.
The Zane Hotel and Beach Club.
Everyone hangs out here.
- So why does that sign
say for hotel guests only?
- Oh, it's to keep
out the tourists.
- Oh, you mean us.
- No, they want
hotties like us here.
- Uh-huh.
- Let's go down to the beach.
That's where they keep
all the rich husbands.
(upbeat music)
- Should you take those
stupid things off?
- Absolutely not.
According to the book,
a woman must always
wear high heels.
Never wait for a man to
put you on a pedestal.
Do it yourself and
he'll get the idea.
- [Eliza] Oh, shit.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm Sofia.
- Hi, Sofia.
I'm John. John Fuller.
- Oh, John, thanks for
lending me your lap.
- Anytime.
- I just might take
you up on that.
Of course, you'll have
to buy me a drink first.
- Okay, let's get
you going, all right?
- Darling.
- Yes, okay. You good?
You ready?
Yeah, great. Awesome, okay.
- Oh, thank you.
- Take care of yourselves.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Okay, let's go.
That was embarrassing.
- Embarrassing or strategic?
For your information,
I just met John Fuller,
major trust fund,
and number 74 in Forbes
list of Rich Under 30.
That's right, Mama
did her homework.
- Hey, dummy.
What have you been
doing all day?
You know what?
Don't answer that.
All right, first the bathrooms.
The beach has been unattended.
What's going on?
Hello?
What is this?
- It's a towel.
- Wrong.
It's a dirty towel.
You know where I found it?
With the clean towels.
- Okay.
- No, it's not okay.
Let me break this
down for you, dummy.
- Oh, my name's Doug.
- Do you know how many guys
want this position, Doug?
More than you're probably
capable of counting.
So you separate these towels,
like your job depends on it,
because it does.
- I wonder if our kids
will have blue eyes like me
or brown eyes, like John's.
- Hi, can I take that?
- Oh.
He's cute.
- Veto.
- Come on.
- He's a towel boy, Eliza.
- I'm unemployed, Sofia.
- Look past the towel
boy there to your left.
(upbeat techno music)
That's Rich Hawthorne.
He's an orthopedic surgeon,
and he just bought his
own 4.8 million townhouse
on East 74th.
- I don't know.
I'm just not into the
whole chiseled thing.
- Yes, you are.
- How does he get
his hair so perfect?
- Ooh, there's John.
- What's up guys?
- What's up man?
Our future husbands,
they're friends.
- I told you I did my homework.
It's literally meant to be.
Think about it.
Okay, "A Guide to
Marrying Rich."
His name is Rich.
He is rich.
- Yeah, yeah. I got it.
Okay, fine.
I'll go introduce myself.
- Don't you dare.
According to the book,
the first time a guy
lays his eyes on you
has to be memorable.
Ooh, I got it.
Okay.
You go for a swim,
you get a cramp,
you start to drown,
and he saves you.
And then your bikini top
comes off in the process.
- I think the fake drowning
is memorable enough.
- Not as memorable as tits.
Just saying.
(mischievous music)
(Eliza sighs)
- Help.
Help.
I'm drowning.
Oh, the water.
It's so rough here.
And I'm not as strong
as swimmer as I thought.
I'm in a rip tide.
Help.
I'm in a rip tide.
Help. Help.
- Your top!
- What?
- Take off your top.
Tits!
- I'm not doing that. No.
Help.
(phone chiming)
- Hey, daddy-o.
- [Doug's Father] Hey, Doug.
What do you say you
cut out of there early
and meet me for some lunch.
- I'm working, remember?
- [Doug's Father] Well,
you're working too hard.
- Oh, says the hardest
working guy I know.
- I'm drowning.
I'm really drowning this time.
Help.
Help, I'm drowning.
- Dad, I gotta go, Dad.
- Help.
Help, I'm drowning.
(spirited music)
- Okay I'm coming.
- Help, I'm drowning.
I'm single and drowning.
- I got you, I got you.
- What are you doing.
- No!
- Help!
- Okay.
- Help, help!
Not you.
- No!
- Look, okay.
Feet on the ground.
Then on and up.
Okay.
Wonderful.
The shore is right there,
there's some towels
that I can grab you.
- No, it's not...
That's okay, I'm okay.
- So you're pretending to drown?
- Um, uh.
Okay, this is embarrassing,
but my friend Sofia over there,
yeah, she told me
that this would be
a really great
way to meet a guy.
- Oh, well, I mean,
I'm one of those.
- Uh.
- Veto, veto, veto, veto!
Veto!
Veto!
- Yeah.
Not you.
You're not the guy.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, it's just, you know,
you're not really my type.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, so what is your type?
- Oh, you see that
chiseled guy over there?
Yeah, that's kind of my thing.
- Okay, so you owe me.
Start flailing.
(upbeat music)
- Help!
Help!
(Doug whistles)
- [Doug] Can we
get some help here?
- Help!
- I need help
saving this woman!
- Help, I'm so cold!
- A little help over here?
- We're drowning!
- I'm drowning too!
- [Eliza] We're drowning.
- [Doug] I'm struggling
to save this woman.
- [Eliza] Help us!
- Are you okay?
Are you good?
(ethereal music)
You all right?
- Uh, yeah.
(upbeat pop music)
I am so good.
(Rich and Eliza giggle)
- I'm Rich.
- Eliza.
(easygoing music)
- I hate that all the rich guys
go back to the city
during the week.
It makes our timeline
so much crunchier.
- Well, I think
it's a good thing.
We can't spend all our summer
trying to get these
guys to fall for us.
We need to work.
Otherwise, we're
gonna spend our summer
eating out of
people's garbage cans.
- Eliza, it's the Hamptons.
There's lobster in
those garbage cans.
- Oh.
(upbeat techno music)
Let's go.
(Sofia whimpering)
(bell dings)
- No way. Absolutely not.
This skin does not do
greasy environments.
- We've tried literally
everywhere else.
Okay.
Come on, Sofia.
- Can you read?
- Yeah.
- [Salty] Can you write?
- Totally.
- Can you carry a tray?
- Yeah.
- You're hired.
- Okay.
- It's a dream come true.
This isn't exactly the
chic Hamptons couture
I pictured wearing this summer.
- Oh, you'll be fine.
(bell dings)
- [Ryan] Order up.
(upbeat music)
- What are you staring at?
- I know you.
- Definitely not.
- Yeah, I know I definitely do.
- Well, I don't know you.
- I'm Ryan.
- Mm-hmm.
- You look like a model.
- Yeah, I am actually.
- Like a famous model.
See, I knew it.
What the hell are
you doing here?
- Research.
I got this big job.
They want me to be like a
normal person or something.
- Oh shit, that's cool.
Nice.
Hey, wait there for a second.
- Oh my gosh, how dare you.
(camera clicks)
- Hi, are you ready to...
Oh.
- Ah, well hello.
- Hi.
- Are you really
gonna take my order
or are you just pretending
to be a waitress?
- What I'm pretending is that
that whole drowning thing,
it just never happened
and that we've never met.
You feel like playing along?
- Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm Doug.
- Eliza.
I like what you're wearing.
It's very Ducky.
- Yeah.
You know, most people
assume I'm a Blane
but I got a secret dorky
or Ducky thing happening.
- Wait, you know,
"Pretty in Pink?"
- Not every word by heart, but.
- Well, I know
every single word.
In fact, the only movie
that I've seen more times
than "Pretty in Pink" is-
- "Say Anything."
- Get out of my head.
- "Say Anything" has
got to have the best
moment of any '80s movie ever.
- You mean when John Cusack
shows up at Ione Skye's house
even after she says that
she doesn't love him?
- But he doesn't believe her
and he stands outside her window
holding that boom
box above his head
with Peter Gabriel
singing "In Your Eyes."
Ah, what?
- It's just we're not
supposed to like that anymore.
- What?
- You know, because the whole
guy shows up at a girl's house
in the middle of the night-
- It was sunrise.
- Uninvited, even after she said
that she didn't like him.
- Oh man.
- [Eliza] Yeah.
- Oh, my whole world just.
- I know.
I know, it's been
a long road for me.
- I mean, I did stop
watching "16 Candles"
at some point for
obvious reasons, but-
- Well, I promise that
this is just as obvious
if you have a vagina.
It's heartbreaking.
- The problem is,
when I'm heartbroken,
all I wanna do is watch
those movies on a loop.
- I know. It's vicious cycle.
- Eliza.
Your order's up.
What do you think you're doing?
- I was just talking.
Oh my God.
Sofia, you don't actually
think that I'm into him.
- You said he was cute.
- And you vetoed it
and I respect that.
He is 100% in the friend zone.
- Okay, good.
Just make sure it
stays that way.
(upbeat music)
- I don't know about you,
but I could use a drink.
- Why don't you just get
on the train, go home,
and give up now?
Chapter three.
Desirable women never pay
for their own cocktails.
- This is the first night
that I don't smell
like french fries.
I wanna have a good
time and I wanna drink.
Who cares if I pay for it?
- Margaret does.
- Oh, we're on a
first name basis now.
- Don't mock the book.
- What are you saying?
That just by reading this book,
men are gonna drop
out of the sky
and buy us cocktails.
- Looks like you
ladies need a drink.
What are we having?
- Well, we both enjoy
sex on the beach,
but we don't know you well yet.
So martinis.
(elegant piano music)
- You are very fit.
(both chuckle)
- Well, I try to run
every morning before work.
- Oh, what time do you
usually get to work?
- 6:00.
- Wow.
You are unlike anyone
I've ever dated.
(Rich chuckles)
Not that we're dating.
Okay, I'm gonna take this drink
and put it in my mouth
so I stop talking.
(Rich laughs)
- So, tell me
something about you.
- Okay.
I am from Queens.
That is the borough
where JFK is.
- Sounds kind of familiar.
- Okay, good. You're following.
My parents are public
school teachers.
- [Rich] Oh, good for them.
- Yeah, it's a noble profession
or so I've been told.
- Have you ever
thought about teaching?
- No, that's not my calling.
- What's your calling?
- Event planning.
I know it sounds, by comparison,
like completely insignificant,
but I totally love it.
I mean, okay,
taking a space that's blank
or worse generic,
and turning it into
like an experience
for whatever really.
I mean, you hope that
the event is worthy,
but even if it's not,
the work is like
always changing.
It's part customer service,
part visionary, super creative.
- Wow, you are
really passionate.
(both chuckle)
- Is that not how you feel
about orthopedic surgery?
- Nope.
But it's a good job.
- [Eliza] Yeah.
- It's nice that your parents
were so cool with you
just doing your own thing.
- I take it yours weren't?
- I mean, I never
really pushed back.
- Eliza, can I talk to you?
- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
We have to leave right now.
- What? Why?
- Chapter number one.
Always leave a guy wanting more.
And frankly, I'm drunk and horny
and I'm gonna screw
John in the parking lot
unless we go right now
and ruin everything.
- Oh, come on.
I'm having such a good time.
- [Sofia] Are you
gonna doubt Margaret?
(scoffs) I would never.
Well, can I say goodbye first?
Or does Margaret think
that makes me look
desperate and undesirable?
- No, you're good.
Just make it breezy.
- [Eliza] Okay.
- Look at you.
Wow.
- Look at you.
Hey, you work at a bar too.
- Trying to learn as much
about the hotel
business as possible.
- Cool.
- Something you should know.
Don't bother the customers.
- You're not bothering me.
- [Sofia] That boy does not
know he's in the friend zone.
- Hey, Doug, you're a friend!
Friend zone!
I didn't think
that a guy could be
all the things that Rich is.
I mean, he's handsome, he's
successful, and so charming.
And I really can't
get over his hair.
It's so like perfectly coiffed.
God, I hope he doesn't
think that I blew him off.
- Oh, are you kidding me?
It's perfect.
That book is a
miracle of literature.
Think about it.
You and Rich and me and John.
- Mm, yeah.
Tell me about you and John.
- Well, he's just so loaded.
- Oh, okay.
Please tell me that
there are other things
that you're attracted
to about him.
- Yeah, like he's
totally hot for me.
- Of course he is.
Every guy's hot for you.
- I know, right?
Did I tell you you
could leave the bedroom?
- Something you'd like to share?
- Oh, okay.
So there's this whole
chapter in the book
about how guys won't buy the cow
when they can get
the milk for free.
And you know me, I've always-
- Dabbled in the dairy
distribution business.
- No, I just sleep with
guys I'm into way too soon.
- So you're using him?
- Yeah.
(scoffs) Oh, like he minds.
- Oh, wow.
Well, at least you and John
will have a romantic story
to tell your grandkids one day.
- Mm-hmm.
(car horn honking)
- You know, it's so tough
being a modern woman.
I don't know if I should
feel like Cinderella
or if I should file
a stalking report.
(Rich chuckles)
- Well, I would've called,
but you left without
giving me your number.
And you did mention that
you were staying on Bay Lane
and hey, did you
know that Bay Lane
is like eight miles long?
I think I pissed off a
lot of your neighbors.
(upbeat music)
(Eliza laughs)
Wanna go for a ride?
(upbeat music)
- I think this car cost
more than my parent's house.
- It was either
this or my Ferrari.
But I didn't want you to
think I was trying too hard.
I actually wanted a Prius,
but my dad talked me into this.
- Mm.
I hate to say this,
but I think your dad was right.
I mean, you recycle, right?
- Religiously.
- Yeah, so you offset it.
(Rich laughs)
- So if you're not turned
off too much by the Bentley,
do you want a ride to
the Movers and Shaker's
event next weekend?
- Are you asking-
- Yes, I'm asking you out.
- Okay, next question.
Who's moving and who's shaking?
- It's a big annual fundraiser.
- Oh, that's cool.
What's the cause?
- No idea.
But it's always for
a really good cause.
- Oh my God.
This reminds me of that
scene in "Pretty in Pink"
when Andrew McCarthy asks-
- "Pretty in Pink?"
- The movie.
You've never seen it?
- Should I?
- I mean, yes.
But it's one of those things
that you probably should have
watched when you were younger
'cause if you watched it now,
you'd probably be like, huh,
and that wouldn't
be good for us.
So, I don't know.
Maybe my answer is no.
- No, don't watch the movie
or no to being my date?
- Oh, hell yeah to
being your date.
- Good.
- So?
- Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God.
- Tell me! Tell me!
- Okay, he invited me to move
and or shake with him next week.
- Oh, my god.
Movers and shakers.
- Yeah, that, yeah.
- John called me
while you were gone
and he asked me to go with him.
(both squealing)
What did I tell you?
Never doubt Margaret.
- Never.
- Always leave
them wanting more.
- Always!
- Can you see it?
Eliza Hawthorne.
- Oh God, you're so ridiculous.
- You've gotta start
planning your wedding now.
Visualization was a big part
of Margaret's philosophy.
- Oh, I'm visualizing.
I'm just not
changing my last name
to suit a 1950s manual.
- 1967, bitch.
- Yeah, I'm still a feminist.
But what was that
part in chapter four
about always
letting the man pay?
- Oh, if you want to pay,
you know, just for funsies,
you have to give
the man the cash
so he can pay the bill.
- Okay, that makes total sense.
(knocking on door)
- I know, so smart.
- Hey.
- Sorry, I forgot something.
I wanna hold on
to this forever
(upbeat pop music)
See you next weekend.
- Okay, bye.
Don't stop
Don't stop
(Eliza sighs)
(upbeat pop music)
- What are we doing here?
This place is way
out of our league.
- We can't exactly wear
our Salty's uniforms
to the biggest
event of the season.
- Okay, you're right.
You're right, you're
right, you're right.
What about this?
- Hate It.
- Okay, me too.
No.
Trash.
Oh, a little bit.
Huh?
- Love it.
- Right?
- Love it.
- Okay, where's a mirror?
- Over there.
- Okay, oh my gosh, okay.
Hello, gorgeous.
Mm.
Oh, goodbye, gorgeous.
Have you seen how many zeros
are on these price tags?
Yeah, like, we should go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
We charge the dresses,
keep the price tags on,
and then return
them the next day.
- Isn't that stealing?
- No.
Think of it as borrowing
with the intent to return.
- Wow.
Margaret really did
think of everything.
- Actually, I came
up with that one.
- Oh, Sofia.
- I know. Thank you.
- [Eliza] You're great.
- I'm so smart.
- Okay.
- Let's take another
look, gorgeous.
- Okay, I mean.
- I really like
the green for you.
It brings out your eyes.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
(upbeat electronic dance music)
- Killing it, Trace.
Ah, the party.
Right, I'm working.
- Oh my God, everyone's
looking at us.
It's like we're the
bells of the ball.
- It really does feel
like a fairytale.
- Come on, let's dance.
(upbeat electronic
dance music continues)
- You know, as important as my
modeling career means to me,
I think being a stay-at-home
mom is even more important.
So I'd totally
give up my career,
as hard as it would be.
And, you know, it's a
lot of work to keep up
with a 4,000 square foot
plus farmhouse style home
in Connecticut on a
minimum of two acres
while chasing after 3.5
kids and a Carlton doodle.
How about you?
- I'm not really a dog person.
- Oh, I was just kidding
about the doodle.
- I'm not sure if
I want kids either.
- Oh, I know.
They can be such
attention sucks.
- No, I like kids.
I just think the
planet's overcrowded.
- I was thinking the same thing.
It's like we have one mind.
- Can I get you another drink?
- Oh, I don't wanna
get too drunk.
I'm worried I might make a move.
- Oh, no.
Don't do that.
(upbeat dance music)
What do you say after the party,
we go back to my place?
- I, um.
I, um.
I mean, okay, look.
I really like you,
and I would love
to like, you know.
It's just, I don't
think that I'm ready
for like, you know.
But it's not that I've,
like, never you knowed
or it's not like I've
you knowed a ton either.
I guess it depends on
how you define, you know.
- Are we talking about sex?
- Yeah, that's, yeah, that's
the word I'm looking for.
- I just wanna spend
more time with you.
My parent's house
has eight bedrooms,
and you can pick
any one you want.
And if you happen
to end up in mine,
I won't kick you out.
- Oh, you're so kind.
- Oh, dear.
You forgot to take
off the price tag.
- Uh, um.
I really have to, um...
I'm gonna be right back.
I just have to...
Sorry.
Sorry, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No!
No.
It's not stealing.
It's borrowing with
intent to return.
Are you freaking kidding me?
- [Doug] Whoa.
- Doug?
- Are we doing the
garbage grabbing scene
from "Back to the Future?"
- This isn't an
'80s movie moment.
(gentle acoustic music)
Oh, god.
This is an '80s movie moment.
And I'm the leading lady
who let her world get
turned upside down
because she's pretending to
be something that she's not.
- Okay, well,
why don't we get
this leading lady
out of the dumpster, huh?
Because it looks
pretty uncomfortable.
- It's really gross in here.
- Yeah, it looks pretty gross.
Come on.
Careful.
Watch your step.
Oh, what is that?
Okay, let's get out quick.
Hold your breath.
Yeah, I don't remember Doc
Brown being in his boxers.
- It's laundry day.
- So why exactly were
you in the dumpster?
- Because I let my friend Sofia
convince me to buy a dress
that costs more than my rent.
And now the tag is
somewhere in this dumpster
and I can't find it
and now I can't return the dress
and they're probably gonna
send me to debtor's prison.
And I know that those
don't exist anymore,
but they'll probably build
a new one just for me,
because I'm a total idiot.
(gentle music continues)
- You could Poshmark it.
- I'm gonna Poshmark you
if you don't stop
trying to silver line
an unsilver lineable situation.
- Would you relax?
As soon as Rich proposes,
you'll tell him the story
and have a big laugh,
and then he'll
pay for the dress.
I mean, hell, if
you asked him to,
I'm sure he'd buy you
the entire dress store.
- There's no way.
Not after I ghosted
him last night
and didn't say goodbye to
him on the first night.
- Margaret says-
- No, Sofia,
at some point you're just rude.
And it's so tragic because
I really, really like him
and I really, really like
how it felt last night
getting all dressed
up, you know,
with all those fancy people,
doing all those amazing things,
and having this gorgeous
guy flirting with me.
But leave it to me to
end up dumpster diving.
Like there's a reason
I end up with
losers my whole life
is because I am one.
- You're not a-
(knocking on door)
Oh.
Eliza, this is a loser.
- Sofia.
Rude.
- Nice to see you too.
- Sorry about her.
You're not a loser.
I mean, I don't think.
Maybe you are, I don't know.
- I'm not.
- What are you doing here?
- Well I thought
you might want this.
(gentle music)
- Oh my God. Oh my God!
You found it.
- Happy to help.
(knocking on door)
- Guess this is a bad time.
- Oh, Rich, no.
He was...
- I should go.
- Okay.
But Doug, you actually
saved my life this time.
Thank you.
(Doug clicks tongue)
- These are for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- I got them because
I was worried
maybe that I was pressuring you
to come over to my
place after the party
and that's why you bailed
but I guess it was to
hook up with that guy, so.
- Doug?
No, he's just a friend.
Really.
I didn't blow you off.
I mean, well, I did,
but I didn't mean to.
It's a, it's a really long story
and it doesn't,
it's doesn't matter
because these are the
most beautiful flowers
I've ever seen in my life.
- Okay, I just, I feel like I'm
getting some mixed messages.
So, just that we're clear,
are you into me?
- I am so, so into you.
And I've just been
getting some advice lately
that I actually think
is really bad advice
and so I think we
should just probably
get naked instead right now.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay, we can do that.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(gentle music)
- Sorry, I just got
this thing with my hair.
- Oh, your hair.
No, I get it.
It's so perfectly coiffed.
I don't, are you okay?
- I'm good.
Come here.
- Oh!
(upbeat music)
- Alrighty, so where do we-
- Oh, upstairs, yeah.
Are you sure you're good
to carry me the whole way?
- Yeah.
- [Eliza] You're
taking off already?
- Yeah.
But I can't wait to
see you next weekend.
- I can't wait to see you.
- What do you say Saturday
you, me, all day, all
night on the yacht?
- I'd say that sounds
entirely all amazing.
(soft music)
- Bye.
- Bye.
(camera clicks)
- I swear to God, if you
take one more picture of me,
I'm gonna shove the
camera up your ass.
- Promise?
- Gross.
Why hasn't John made a move yet?
- Can we not talk
about John right now?
- Okay, I guess.
But just so you know,
I am always thinking about him.
- Oh, really?
Always?
- Mm-hmm.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, let's see
if we can fix that.
(upbeat music)
(Sofia giggles)
- Some condom...
Oh my God!
- Um, (laughs).
So, tonight, 9:00?
- I'm sorry, are
you talking to me?
- Okay.
- Sofia.
- It's fine.
He likes it when I'm mean.
Besides, he's serving a purpose.
If it weren't for Ryan,
I'd never hold out for John.
Things are just
so hot between us.
- Wait, what?
He made a move?
- Yeah, like so, so many.
Except unlike some people,
I'm staying strong
and following Margaret's advice.
At least, you know, until
he asks me to marry him.
- Well, I'm glad that I
didn't wait with Rich.
Although, to be honest,
the sex was a little
underwhelming.
- Shut your mouth.
- I'm not saying
that it wasn't good.
I'm saying that it
wasn't, you know, magic.
- Magic doesn't exist.
You know what does?
A townhouse on East 74th.
- I know. I know.
But if that part doesn't work.
- Hmm, get yourself a Ryan.
- Or a Doug.
Who, funny enough-
- Salty, the hair
cream is doing wonders.
Hi.
- Hi.
Whatever you want,
it's on the house.
- Ah, that's okay.
- Oh, it is the least I can do
after you saved
my credit rating.
- Well, if you really
wanna make it up to me,
are you busy tonight?
- She's busy.
Ah, very busy.
- Ah.
Because they're showing
"The Breakfast Club"
at the Revival House
in West Hampton.
- Oh my God.
I've never seen it
on the big screen.
- Then you haven't
really seen it.
Wanna meet there?
- Oh, no.
That's not gonna work.
I don't have a car.
One, because I can't afford one
and, two, because this
city girl can't drive, so.
- Then I guess we'll have
to do something about that.
(uplifting music)
- Okay.
- All right, hands
up, cover, cover.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
- I'm nervous.
What's happening?
What are you doing?
- It's a surprise.
Just go with it.
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- Just go with it.
- Okay, okay.
- And stop, stop, stop.
Open.
Huh?
(Doug laughs)
- Whose car is this?
- No idea.
But...
- You're stealing a car?
- Well, now, technically
you're stealing a car.
- Absolutely no, I am not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- I don't drive, remember?
- Of course I do.
That's why I'm gonna teach you.
Go.
- Oh no.
Call me Chris Columbus
Riding the ocean blue
I'm leaving home looking
for something new
It's never been done before
Leaving my familiar
shores in search for me
In my F150
Call me Ford Explorer
Got the rims painted black
I'm not paid, but
I can pull off that
And now I'm trying to
get the house to match
(Doug yelps)
(tires screeching)
Long nights in Vegas
When you party
like you're famous
In God's hand
That's paradise
When anytime we'll do
the birds and the bees
That's what it
feels like inside
It's paradise
When you're
living your dream
Making money that's so green
(brakes squeal)
- Okay.
- Hold on, Dougie.
(engine revs)
It's paradise
- You really got the
need for speed, I think.
- I think I'm ready for NASCAR.
- One step at a time, Eliza.
(both chuckle)
It's pretty
incredible, isn't it?
- Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Wait, what do you
think you're doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
- No, we're just friends.
- Why?
Why can't we try
something, Eliza?
- Because I'm with Rich.
- What is so great about Rich?
- Um, basically everything.
- Oh, come on.
- What?
He's smart, generous, chiseled.
- Oh, which we both
know is your thing.
- And he's also-
- Oh, he's got boat
loads of money.
Yeah, I know.
- Whoa, that's not
what I was gonna say.
- You're telling me if Rich
had nothing to his name,
you'd still be into him?
- Of course I would.
Who do, who do you
think that I am?
(melancholy music)
- Look, Eliza.
- [Eliza] No.
- Eliza wait.
(gentle acoustic music)
- Here you are.
Watch out, it's sandy out there.
- How perfect is this?
A gorgeous, sunny afternoon
and we coincidentally
have the day off.
- Hey, you better hope
Salty doesn't find out
that you are the one
who filed the complaint
with the health inspector.
(upbeat music)
- So what?
You two aren't even
friends anymore?
- No, we're not.
He accused me of
being a gold digger.
- What an ass.
- Yeah.
- So you do know if
you don't hit it off
with Rich's parents
at this dinner,
then there's no
gold for you, right?
- It's not about the gold.
- It's a little
bit about the gold.
And that's all right.
I mean, think about all of
the Dougs over the years
that you've given everything to.
You just-
- I know, I know.
God, I hope his parents like me.
- Good thing chapter seven
is entirely devoted to
meeting the parents.
- Lay it on me.
- Okay.
So you know the way you are.
Don't be that way.
You should have
very few opinions.
Don't talk about
politics, religion,
or anything if you can avoid it.
- So just sit there
and act like a mute?
- No, don't be silly.
You should look
at Rich adoringly.
Say adoring things about Rich.
And remember,
it's much more important
to be interested
than interesting.
(phone chiming)
- Hey, Dad.
- Eliza, get your
head in the game.
- I am, it is.
It's just...
Did I tell you that
Doug kissed me?
- What?
- Okay, calm down.
You literally tickle
Ryan's undercarriage
with a peacock
feather every night.
- How do you know
about the feather?
- I live in a loft.
There's very little insulation.
And the point is,
it was good.
- No, no it wasn't.
That is the fear talking
because things are
going so well with Rich
and you are literally
about to have
the life of my dreams.
- Okay, aren't you working
at the life of your dreams?
- Yes.
But things are moving
a little slower
with John than I'd prefer.
We'll catch up.
I'm just so happy for you.
- Uh-huh.
- And she loves '80s
movies as much as I do,
although she's given me
a brutal, brutal
education on the message.
(Doug's father laughs)
- [Doug's Father] And why
isn't she your girlfriend?
- Because she's
into somebody else.
- [Doug's Father]
Doug, you listen to me.
If she's really in
love with someone else,
you shouldn't compete with him.
That's just bad manners.
But if you think
that's the girl for you
and you don't fight for her,
well that you'll regret forever.
(gentle music)
(easygoing piano music)
- So how was your week at work?
Anything interesting happen?
- Do you know about the Nasdaq?
- Of course.
I have one of their handbags.
You know what I love about us?
The fact we don't
even need to talk
shows just how comfortable
we are with one another.
- Why you would choose to
work at a private hospital
when you could work at a
major university is just-
- Paul, enough.
He doesn't care
about the accolades.
- Or the grants or the labs.
- I'm good with just focusing
on my little practice, honestly.
You guys shot for the stars
and you know I respect
that about you,
but it's not like I
did anything crazy.
I didn't become a public
school teacher or something.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Eliza's parents
are both teachers.
- Oh, how sweet.
- What do you think, Eliza?
Is Rich selling himself short?
- Oh, I think that
Rich is perfect
just the way that he is.
I'm just gonna run to the
lady's room real quick.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Whoever heard of a bathroom
that doesn't have a window
you can crawl out of?
What kind of dump is this?
- Would you relax?
His parents probably love you.
Just keep smiling and let
them do all the talking.
- Looks like you remembered
to take off all your
price tags tonight.
- Yeah, I did.
And tonight's already
been a total disaster.
So, if you could just not
pull anything else off of me,
that'd be great.
- Meeting the parents
for the first time, huh?
Just be yourself, dear.
They're either gonna
like you or not like you,
but if they don't like you,
better they don't like
you because you're you.
- Thank you for that totally
unsolicited piece of advice
but we already have
all the wisdom we need.
- Oh dear God.
Do people still read 'A
Guide to Marrying Rich?"
So much for the second
wave of feminism.
- That's what I'm sayin'.
Look, my parents love teaching
and all they ever
encouraged me to do
was to find something
that I loved enough
that I could do it for free
and then try to make
a living doing that.
And sure,
I could have pursued
a lot more things
that would've earned
me a lot more money.
But at the end of the day,
I chose event planning
because it's what I
really wanted to do.
And then I did
unpaid internships
and paid internships
and I worked myself to the bone.
- Well, with that much drive,
I'll bet you're
very good at it too.
- I'm great at it, honestly.
But it's because
I love doing it.
And I think you have
to spend your life
doing what you love.
- I couldn't agree more.
- So, if Rich wants to
work at a county clinic,
I think that he needs to
do what makes him happy.
- Well, disagree on the
county clinic thing,
but of course we want
Rich to be happy.
- You know, I like your spunk.
We could use a little bit
more of it around here.
So, here is to
seeing more of you.
(insects chirping)
- I hope you're okay with
staying here tonight.
I felt weird about
staying at your house
with your parents there.
I didn't want them
to think I was-
- First of all, my parents
know that I have sex.
- Oh, weird.
- Isn't that crazy?
But more important,
you made such a good impression
you couldn't get
them to dislike you
even if you tried.
- I don't know.
I'm pretty good at
turning people off.
- All I know is you're
very good at turning me on.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry.
Your hair?
- No, it's all good.
- Oh, okay.
They really did like me?
- No, they loved you.
And I don't blame them
because I do too.
- Wait, you-
- Yeah.
I love you.
- I love you too.
(Doug mumbling)
(Doug winces)
- Son of a bad dog.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I thought about it
and I felt really bad
about what happened
the other night.
So I came here to
tell you I was sorry
but then I thought if
I opened my mouth again
I might say the wrong
thing or, you know.
I figured it was
safer all taped up.
(Doug winces)
But you gotta admit,
the Duct tape,
that was really cute.
I mean, who does that?
Come on.
(Doug laughs)
There it is.
Look, Eliza, I really am sorry.
I had no right to
say those things.
I never should have kissed you.
It was a real Bender move.
(Eliza chuckles)
Look, if you and Rich are happy-
- We're in love, actually.
- Totally cool with that.
I just, you know,
I want my friend back.
- I do too.
- So, we good?
- We're good.
(Eliza chuckles)
- So, now that we
are friends again,
I have something to do tomorrow
and I could use a friend's help.
(upbeat pop music)
- Okay, wow.
So first you make me steal a car
and now we're stealing a boat.
What's next, Dougie?
A Learjet?
- One of the members
of the beach club
is in Europe for a few weeks.
So he hired me to keep
his boat in tip top shape.
That means we're gonna
give it a workout
by sailing it to
his house in Montauk
and turning around.
- How do you know how
to do all of this?
- Oh.
I was a pirate.
- Oh.
- Well, more like a stow
away on a pirate ship.
- Arg.
- I worked in a marina on
the summers off from college.
- Okay, got it.
Is it not the most
beautiful day?
- Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
(thunder crashing)
[Doug] one sec, one sec,
I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- [Doug] I'm so sorry
that it's so crazy.
- No, I can't believe
that you knew what to do.
Thank God.
I can't believe we made it.
- Are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Let's get some lights on.
(thunder rumbling)
God, it's freezing in here.
Let's get you warm.
(both breathing heavily)
You okay?
- Yeah.
- That's better.
- Yeah.
- Here.
- I can think of worse places
to wait out a storm.
- Whoo.
Maybe I should find
us some warm clothes.
(romantic pop music)
(Eliza chuckles)
I hope
'Cause there's a chance
I could get it again
and I'd love to take
you to Block Island.
Oh, you'd love it.
What?
- Um, nothing.
I'm just feeling
kind of nauseous.
- The waters were
a little choppy.
Probably just seasick.
- Yeah, seasick.
Or I'm feeling incredibly guilty
and horrible about Rich.
- Right.
Right, right, Rich.
Well, you'll feel better
as soon as you tell him.
Let him down easy.
- Wait, I don't know if
that's what I wanna...
Honestly, I don't
know how I feel.
- You seemed to know exactly
how you felt last night.
- Yes.
Obviously I like you, okay.
And last night was...
- What?
But there was a storm
and a fire and a
house in Montauk.
So I don't know what
we were supposed to do.
- Okay, come on.
Eliza, we're both adults here.
- I know.
And I have to take
responsibility
for my own actions, okay.
I already learned this lesson.
It's just I really
care about him.
- And me?
- I really care about you too.
- And this has nothing to
do with his Bentley or-
- No.
And if it did, this
would be a lot easier.
He's a great guy and he's kind
and he genuinely
cares about people
and he loves me
and I can't just blow him off,
because I love him too.
- Seriously?
- Maybe.
I don't know. I don't know.
- Well, when you do know,
do me a favor,
let me know, okay?
(easygoing music)
- I'm telling you, the
sex was otherworldly.
- Of course it was. He's broke.
He's gotta bring
something to the table.
- Is that a thing?
Are rich guys bad in bed?
- Well, they don't
have to be good.
- I dunno what to do.
- Sex has just
clouded your brain.
Everything's misfiring.
Don't do anything stupid.
It was just huge mistake.
- Why is it a mistake for me
but it's okay for you
to sleep with Ryan?
- Well, because Ryan's
just a piece of meat
that I don't give
two craps about.
- Ouch.
- I'm kidding, kind of.
What's that?
- It's a...
- That's like the worst
picture of me ever.
- I don't think so.
I think it's,
I think it's perfect.
But I guess that explains that.
- What?
- The girl I thought you were
versus the girl
you actually are.
- Let's just talk this
out by the fridge.
- Screw you.
- Yeah, that's exactly the idea.
- Not anymore it's not.
- Thanks a lot.
- How is this my fault?
- Well, it's not my fault.
- See, that's what I can't do.
I can't pretend that
everything is not my fault.
I did this.
I have to own it.
I have to tell Rich the truth.
- Has the book
taught you nothing?
What place does the truth
have in a relationship?
- I agree with Eliza.
- Of course you do.
Look, if you tell
Rich what happened,
he'll break up with you.
And I have put too much
effort into your relationship
for it to fall apart now.
Plus the book says
that it's perfectly
okay for a woman
to have a few secrets
about her past.
- Don't tell my chef I was here,
but sometimes you just
need a great cheeseburger.
Apologizing for eavesdropping,
but when I wrote "Secrets
About Your Past,"
I didn't mean secrets
about your present.
(uplifting music)
- You're Margaret Dumont?
- Unfortunately, I am.
- You wrote "A Guide
to Marrying Rich."
- I did, but it was
a long time ago.
And to be candid,
I didn't know what
I was talking about.
(Sofia squeals)
Nothing in that book
is sound advice
even 50 years ago.
Except for the part about
always wearing a hat.
Who knew the havoc sun
damage would cause?
- You're wrong.
We both followed your rules
and now we both
have rich boyfriends
who are very handsome and
we've never been happier.
- Oh, speak for yourself.
My life is a mess.
- Trust me.
I played by the
rules in the book
and I was never truly happy,
never truly in love.
- Let me get that for you.
(people chattering)
- I missed you a lot this week.
I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
- Actually, I have something
that I wanted to
talk to you about.
It's kind of important.
- Hold on one second.
- [Paul] Here they are.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Wow, it's such a surprise.
- Oh yeah, my
parents are in town
and they're joining
us for brunch.
- Okay.
- It's my fault.
I insisted in horning
in because, well,
I wanted to ask
you a little favor.
- Oh, what could I possibly do?
- Well, it's our 30th
anniversary in a few weeks
and we just decided
to hold a big bash
for all our Hamptons friends.
- Wow.
- What she means is
she's been talking
about this for months
and I finally agreed to it.
- Okay.
(Katherine chuckles)
- Eliza, I would love it
if you would help me out.
- Oh, wow.
- [Katherine] And I'm not
taking no for an answer.
- Oh my.
I...
So as they are set up,
how do you feel
about the numbers?
- Well, it's good, but really,
I'm just concerned that the
guest list is gonna grow
because it always does.
And then we won't have
room for the dance floor
or the bandstand and-
- Unless we do 12 tops
instead of 10 tops.
- That could get a little tight.
- Right, but not necessarily.
I'm thinking a Moroccan theme.
So a night in Casablanca.
So we'll do shared platters
and tajines on the tables
so we don't have to
worry about serving
and the whole thing will feel
just a lot more
cozy and intimate.
And then to offset the
white of the hotel,
long sheer colorful drapes.
- And what about large
colored candles on the tables?
- Absolutely.
And Persian rugs
line the floors.
- I love this idea.
Eliza, you are just fabulous.
- Oh, thank you.
Okay, so the bandstand, yes.
We'll build it up
towards the back.
- You know, we really
miss you at Salty's.
It's just not the
same without you.
- Okay.
- No, really.
The new chef smells like feet.
I'd never sleep with him.
- Seriously?
This is your way of trying
to get me back into bed?
- Is it working?
- No.
- Fine.
Do you know why Ryan
is being such a tool?
- Maybe because
he's a human being
with actual feelings.
- I don't think that's it.
He better not be
screwing someone else.
- Hello, sir.
The blue looks great on you.
- You gotta stop looking
at him like that.
- Like what?
- Like you care.
You need to sweep that
mess under the rug
where no will ever find it
or I promise you it will
bite you in the ass.
- I'm not gonna
say anything, okay?
- No, it's not you I'm
worried about anymore.
It's him.
He's probably gonna
show up to your wedding,
singing some stupid Air Supply
song at the top of his lungs.
- Okay, so what am
I supposed to do?
- Just go over there
and be a bitch.
If you have any
problem with that,
pretend you're me.
(Eliza sighs)
- Okay, okay.
Be a bitch, be a bitch.
Okay.
Hey.
I don't know how
else to say this,
but whatever this is, it's over.
- Because you're with him?
- Yeah, I am.
- So you don't feel
anything for me?
- Not like that.
- I don't believe you.
- Well, you don't get to tell me
what I want or how I feel.
So, I don't want you.
So, goodbye.
- Bye, Eliza.
(gentle music)
(rhythmic music)
- You're doing a great job.
Okay, all right.
- Hey, bus boy.
I need a word with you.
Come with me.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, Eliza.
I don't believe it.
I knew you'd be good,
but you are so much
better than good.
- Well, thank you for letting me
play with an unlimited budget
in one weeks time.
- Well, I just-
- Unlimited.
- Honey, you haven't
had your martini yet.
Let's go get that.
Oh, and Eliza, the owner
of the hotel, David Zane,
flew in for the event.
- You're kidding.
- No. I'll introduce you later.
He's gonna love
what you've done.
- That would be amazing.
- Rich, honey,
don't let that girl get away.
- I won't.
- Oh.
- Sofia, I'm so happy my
nephew's finally met a girl.
- Thanks, Becky.
- [Becky] Hey, hey, hey.
- Aunt Becky.
- [Becky] That's right.
- I hope I'll be
seeing more of you.
- Oh, thank you
so much for that.
She totally bought it.
- Bought?
- Us, like being a thing.
- We are a thing, aren't we?
- I mean, well technically I'm
gay.
- Gay.
Yeah, I know.
Nobody turns this down.
- That cook certainly doesn't.
You're head over heels for him.
- I am not.
- Me thinks the lady
doth protest too much.
- Don't quote Yoda at
me at a time like this.
John, mm, I love you.
- Sofia, please.
- I'm at least in love
with the idea of you
and I think that
is the foundation
for a long-lasting marriage.
- You don't seriously want
us to be together, do you?
- Why not?
I mean, maybe you
didn't get the memo,
but basically everyone's pan now
and no one cares
who you sleep with,
especially not me so
long as you marry me
and make me very, very rich.
- My Aunt Becky cares,
which is the only reason I care.
She's in charge of
my trust fund, so.
- So what are you saying?
- Look, we're both benefiting
from this arrangement.
You're a fantastic
dance partner.
- So are you.
- And if we could
grab dinner, say,
once every quarter
with Aunt Becky.
- I want you to buy me
something very expensive.
- How about a boat?
- Make it a yacht
and we're good.
- I really need to talk to you.
- Wanna get us tipsy?
- You know I do.
- I really need to talk to you.
So, this whole time I've
been getting speared.
- I kind of saw that coming.
- And also I think
I'm in love with Ryan.
- (laughs) Of course
you're in love with Ryan.
He's perfect for you.
He adores you more than
you adore yourself.
And what more could
you really ask for?
- I've gotta go find him.
How do I look?
- Yeah, like a million bucks.
- Which I'll never have.
- Yeah, but I think I will.
So, you know, what's
mine is yours.
- Wait, is this what you
wanna talk to me about?
- Yeah.
So this is a thing.
Rich's mom told him
to never let me go
and then he held onto me
with some sort of vice grip
and said that he
won't and so, Sofia-
- Oh my god.
- Yeah, I think
this is happening.
- And it's what you want?
- Of course it is.
- So you definitely
don't love Doug.
- What?
Why are you asking me that?
This whole time you've been-
- I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
(Sofia sighs)
It's just, I was, wrong.
The book was wrong.
Margaret's said it herself.
- Okay, but just
because you're ready
to run off with Ryan...
Okay, Rich is amazing
and I could see our
whole future together.
It's one where I get everything,
like the career and
the townhouse and-
- The guy.
Rich is the guy you want.
- Yes.
- Then I'm so happy for you.
I'm a little bit jelly,
but I'm mostly happy.
(both laughing)
- Eliza, I think Rich
wants to show you
something on the lawn.
- (laughing) Okay.
This is it, okay.
I think I, I just gotta
go to the bathroom.
I just gotta go pee
like really quick.
But, um, I can be right there.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
(Eliza sighs)
(upbeat percussion music)
The moment is now.
Rich, I didn't expect this.
Oh my God.
Oh my.
(Eliza sighs)
I do.
Yes.
Yes.
- Trying to convince
yourself you wanna say yes?
- Margaret?
Wait, no, I, I just,
I just want the
moment to be perfect.
- Oh, what a crock.
Where's the sex
appeal in perfect?
Sweetheart, I've given a lot
of bad advice in my time.
But what I'm about to tell you,
you can take to the bank.
You can't marry
someone you don't love.
- I do love him.
- If you say so.
But I'll tell you what,
I've been there done
that six times over.
All I'm saying is make sure
you've got that
magic going for you.
- What we have,
Eliza, it's magic.
I love you
and I want to keep
loving you forever
if you'll let me.
So, Eliza.
- Okay.
- Will you marry-
- Sorry, would you stop?
Okay, just, sorry.
Would you,
would you just come
up, come up here?
Yeah, sorry.
Rich, you are such
an amazing guy.
- But.
- But I don't think that
what we have is magic.
But that's not to say
that I don't think that
magic doesn't exist
because I think that it does.
It's just that what
it takes to make magic
is messy and sweaty,
and dirty, and sticky.
And you are just like so clean.
(box lid snaps)
- So what you're saying
is I'm too perfect?
- Kind of, yeah.
I mean, you are so nice
and generous and handsome
and what you do like,
this is so impressive.
And I'm embarrassed to say this,
but I feel like I just got like
swept up in the fantasy of...
Shit.
I think I need to sit down.
Nope.
Okay, I'm good. Yeah.
I've just,
I've been where you are a lot.
It sucks to think that
the person that you love
might be using you.
- So, what?
You were just here
for the fancy dinners
and the once in a season event
that you got to plan
and now that you've got
everything that you wanted,
you're out?
- That is one really
horrible interpretation
of what happened.
It's awful.
And I'm sorry that
that's even on the table.
You probably won't believe this,
but I really did love
spending time with you,
like a lot.
It's just that I feel like
I don't even know you.
- Because we haven't spent
that much time together.
- But I feel like you don't
really know you either,
apart from who your
parents want you to be.
And I know that you
don't wanna take advice
from a girl who's-
- Breaking your heart.
- But please just go out there
and find that thing
that makes you happy.
Like really happy,
like what you geek out for,
and just go chase
the hell out of that.
(gentle acoustic music)
- Okay, well,
I'm gonna see about
returning a ring.
(uplifting music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Haven't you ever
heard of consent?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no, totally.
No, yeah.
It's just, well, I was,
I was talking to John and...
No, it, it's not
about, it's, it's...
This picture.
It's, it's not the
worst picture of me.
It's, it's just,
this picture is me.
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not a big
fancy famous model.
I'm a girl from Nebraska
who's terrified of ending
up back where she started.
I left saying I was gonna
make something of myself
and look at me.
I've nothing.
- Hey.
That's not true.
Come on.
You were, you're a big deal.
- I'm really not.
I'm not.
- Not sure about that.
- I live with like
seven other models.
It's gross.
It's just not cute.
It's...
This is from my JC Penney shoot.
Why do you have this?
- My mom orders the catalogs
and she goes through them
to tell me what to
get her for Christmas
and then I go through
them for material.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's for my mood boards, okay.
Anyways, I'm back
home for the holidays
a few years ago
and there you were.
I thought, "Man, this is
the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen."
And then I met you.
It's crazy.
And I got to meet her.
I thought, "That's the girl
that I wanna spend the
rest of my life with."
- I'm sorry I was so mean.
- You're sorry
and do you wanna be with me?
- Yeah, I do.
(both laugh)
Oh, we also have a yacht.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Since when?
- Like five minutes ago.
- (laughs) Okay.
- Aw, you guys.
Has anyone seen Doug?
Okay.
Oh.
- Wait a minute,
you're Eliza, right?
- Uh, yeah.
- David Zane.
- Oh, you're the guy
who owns the hotel.
- That would be me, yes.
Really excellent
work you did here.
I've never seen this
place look better.
- Thanks.
- You know, I'm always looking
for a talented event manager
if you'd be interested.
- You know what?
No.
- Eliza.
In this case, and in this
case only, no means yes.
- No, it doesn't.
No means no.
I would never work
for you, Mr. Zane.
Because I've seen the way
that you talked to one of
your employees earlier.
Yeah, you called him bus boy.
But that's not his name.
His name is Doug.
And he is more
than just his job.
You know, everyone here is.
And you know what?
It's people like you
that make people like us
feel like we have to act a fool
just to get a little
piece of what you've got.
But what you've
got, it ain't a lot
because what you've
got makes people forget
the most important thing,
which is how we treat people.
So I'm gonna find Doug
and I'm gonna tell him
that I love him.
And.
and I'm taking this with me.
- Is that a boom-box?
(upbeat pop music)
(singing in foreign language)
- Okay, plot twist.
The woman is the creepy stalker.
- The woman is the one
who needs to apologize.
But if this crosses a boundary,
then I will totally turn it off.
- What is that music?
- It's not Peter Gabriel.
But let's just pretend
it's a powerful love song.
- Is this the moment
for a love song?
- God, I hope so.
(music continues)
(button clicks, music stops)
- I'll just put this down.
It's over with Rich.
- Good.
I didn't think you guys
were good for each other.
- We weren't.
You need to know
that I've been burned
and meeting you,
I got scared because I thought,
"Well, here I go again,
I know how this ends."
But the thing is,
even if you take me for
everything that I have,
which is almost nothing,
so it would be a really
dumb scam if you did,
but even if you let
me take care of you
while you're becoming
whatever wonderful thing
that you're gonna become,
and then you leave
me brokenhearted,
I'm gonna be upset.
But it will all
have been worth it
because every cell in
my being is telling me
that I have to be with you
because when I'm
with you, I'm me.
(soft romantic music)
I love you, Dougie.
And if you can forgive me,
I don't know what that means,
or like where we go from here-
- It doesn't matter.
I wanna go there with you.
- Does that mean?
- You know I'm crazy about you.
(soft romantic music continues)
- So, you know what's sad?
I could have provided us
with a nice little life
right here in the Hamptons.
The douche that runs this hotel,
he offered me a job
and I told him off.
- What?
You told him off?
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it was kind
of epic, honestly.
But I, but I was doing
it to defend you.
- Huh.
So, do you want that job?
- Oh, are you kidding?
It was a dream job, but.
- Okay, then it's yours.
I don't think my
dad will fault you
for telling him off
in defense of his son.
- Wait, what?
- My name's Doug Zane
and in two weeks I start as
vice president of operations
for Zane Hotels.
- Are you, are you kidding me?
- I made my dad promise
not to blow my cover.
I just wanted to
spend the summer
learning as much as I could
and I knew that there was no way
I could get the real deal
if everyone knew who I was, so.
- So you're telling me you're-
- Loaded. Yeah.
(Eliza laughs)
Don't hate me.
- I mean, I don't know.
You did lie to me.
So it may take me some time
to get over this and...
(romantic pop music)
Okay, I'm over it.
I'm over it.
- Hey, dummy.
What do you think you're doing?
You're on the clock.
I hope you don't think
you're gonna be working
here next summer.
- No, I hope you don't think
you're gonna be working
here next summer.
- Excuse me?
- He kind of owns the place.
Yeah, just found out myself.
(upbeat pop music)
Doug Zing, Ya.
- See ya, Eric.
(button clicks)
(upbeat foreign music)
Would you like to partake
in this rhythmic
ceremonial ritual?
- Ah, do fish under
the sea dance?
- We are by the ocean.
(singing in foreign language)
(both laughing)
- [Doug] It's sand!
I'll try.
(singing in foreign
language continues)
- Oh my God, this
is such a surprise.
A promotion?
So unexpected.
I had no idea this was coming.
I did work so hard.
Thank you.
Me?
I would love a corner office.
I accept.
Thank you so much.
I never saw this coming.
To my promotion.
(Eliza gargling)
Babe, did you get up early
to wish me good luck?
- Wish you luck? For?
- The promotion.
- Oh right, the promotion.
- Junior executive
event planner.
It's gonna be me, right?
- Oh, totally. It's yours.
- Oh, God.
I feel like Molly Ringwald
at the end of every movie.
I'm like, all my
dreams are coming true.
- You're such a geek for
those movies, aren't you?
- I know, I know.
And they're super problematic,
but I can't help it.
I love them and I love you.
Okay, bye.
- Wait, babe,
can you help me stretch this
canvas real quick, please?
- Oh, look, I would love to,
but I like, I can't
be late again.
- Oh, come on.
No, it'll take
like five minutes.
I'm feeling inspired.
You know what happens
if you start painting
when inspiration hits.
Come on.
- I know, I know.
And I don't wanna like
stifle your genius or anything.
But I-
- I need you.
Come on.
It'll be quick.
(upbear percussion music)
- I mean, it's so unfair.
I know that being
late is a no-no,
but you're really
gonna fire me over it?
- Well, did they fire
you for being late
or did they fire you
because you like-
- For talking back to my boss.
I know.
But I was just so like
overheated and emotional,
and I was just like really,
really, really upset.
I mean, that was my job.
You know, I was
late because of you.
- We're all grownups here.
You gotta be responsible
for your own decisions.
(Eliza sighs)
- God, I know, okay?
This is just the
worst day of my life.
- Well, at least one
of us had a good day.
I just heard back
from the gallery,
and they're gonna
give me my own show.
- Oh my God.
Really?
Babe, that's amazing.
I'm, I'm so proud of you.
I always knew that you
were gonna make it.
- I know.
That's why it makes it so hard
to tell you the other thing.
- What?
What other thing?
- I'm moving in with Sandra.
- The gallery owner?
Babe, it's sweet of you
to try to make me laugh, but...
Really?
(upbeat pop music)
Really?
I couldn't help myself
(glass slamming)
- There should be a rule
where you're not allowed
to lose your job and your
boyfriend on the same day.
- There is.
It's called decency.
- Oh.
- You know, it was
all working out fine
when he couldn't
afford to pay rent.
But as soon as his
career starts taking off-
- Are we surprised?
- Sofia!
Comfort me.
- I'm just saying,
this is nothing new.
Your last three boyfriends-
- Four.
Todd.
- Oh, ew, Todd.
I forgot about Todd.
See? This is what you do.
You take strays in
and you clean them up
and then change their litter.
- Oh, god. I need more alcohol.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
The next time that I
think that a guy is cute,
you're gonna step in,
you're gonna interfere,
and you're gonna say veto.
- I am a million
steps ahead of you.
I already have a plan.
- "A Guide to Marrying Rich."
- It's super legit.
The author, Margaret Dumont,
she went from being a secretary
to marrying one of the
richest men in the country.
- This book is ancient.
- Yeah, so is the Bible.
- Where did you find this thing?
- Some lame Tinder date.
This guy took me to
a used bookstore.
Like, is that even a date?
Anyway, thankfully
I found this book
and it was like, yes,
universe, I hear you.
- Yeah.
You hear the call of the 1950s.
- 1967.
- How is this even a thing?
You don't need a man to
have your dream life.
- Says the girl that screwed
up her dream job for a dude.
Look, I'm not gonna be
a bartender forever.
And I am super sick of living
with seven other wannabe models
in a two bedroom apartment.
Yes, we're all tiny,
so it's really only like living
with four people, but still.
And I'm not gonna get ahead.
Like my biggest paying gig
was that JC Penney catalog,
and that's just sad.
- Well, it would be nice
if someone could pay my rent
because lord knows
I can't afford it.
- So we sublet our apartments.
- No, I can't.
I need to find a job.
- How?
You work in a very
competitive industry
and you just got fired.
No one's hiring you.
- Aren't you supposed to
be making me feel better?
- We're going away
for the summer!
- You can't take the summer off.
You're employed.
- Oh, right.
Hey, Cass.
Yeah.
I quit.
- What?
Sofia, what are you doing?
- I am betting on myself
just like the book says.
You're only 25 once.
And do you know what we are?
- 26.
- Yeah, we are behind.
We need to get off our asses
and take charge of our lives.
- What? By leaving New York?
- Oh God, no.
Oh no.
We're going to the Hamptons.
My aunt has a timeshare there.
We'll live there for the summer
and come back with
rich husbands.
- Okay, wait.
You actually think
that both of us
are gonna meet rich dudes
and get them to marry
us before Labor Day?
- Well, according
to Miss Dumont,
hell yes.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, she did leave a key.
- Under a frog or something.
- Ah, there you go.
- Should just leave a key
under a frog ornament
like every other
old retired person.
- I'm sure there's a key
somewhere inside.
(Sofia grunts)
Are you good?
- Yes.
- [Eliza] You good
with these bags?
- I am.
- Buddy, need a little help?
There you go.
- This is why we need
rich boyfriends too,
because they will have
people to carry things.
- You know, we're only
here for the summer, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So you should take the loft.
It sort of feels like you're
sleeping in a tent up there
and I know you're into
that sort of thing
and you know I'm not.
- Happily.
So, I hate to always
be the practical one,
but first thing's first,
we're gonna find jobs, right?
- What for?
We have a free place to stay.
- Oh, I don't know, maybe food.
- Soon we'll have
rich boyfriends
that'll pay for all our meals.
- How soon?
(upbeat techno music)
- This is it.
The place to be and be seen.
The Zane Hotel and Beach Club.
Everyone hangs out here.
- So why does that sign
say for hotel guests only?
- Oh, it's to keep
out the tourists.
- Oh, you mean us.
- No, they want
hotties like us here.
- Uh-huh.
- Let's go down to the beach.
That's where they keep
all the rich husbands.
(upbeat music)
- Should you take those
stupid things off?
- Absolutely not.
According to the book,
a woman must always
wear high heels.
Never wait for a man to
put you on a pedestal.
Do it yourself and
he'll get the idea.
- [Eliza] Oh, shit.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm Sofia.
- Hi, Sofia.
I'm John. John Fuller.
- Oh, John, thanks for
lending me your lap.
- Anytime.
- I just might take
you up on that.
Of course, you'll have
to buy me a drink first.
- Okay, let's get
you going, all right?
- Darling.
- Yes, okay. You good?
You ready?
Yeah, great. Awesome, okay.
- Oh, thank you.
- Take care of yourselves.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Okay, let's go.
That was embarrassing.
- Embarrassing or strategic?
For your information,
I just met John Fuller,
major trust fund,
and number 74 in Forbes
list of Rich Under 30.
That's right, Mama
did her homework.
- Hey, dummy.
What have you been
doing all day?
You know what?
Don't answer that.
All right, first the bathrooms.
The beach has been unattended.
What's going on?
Hello?
What is this?
- It's a towel.
- Wrong.
It's a dirty towel.
You know where I found it?
With the clean towels.
- Okay.
- No, it's not okay.
Let me break this
down for you, dummy.
- Oh, my name's Doug.
- Do you know how many guys
want this position, Doug?
More than you're probably
capable of counting.
So you separate these towels,
like your job depends on it,
because it does.
- I wonder if our kids
will have blue eyes like me
or brown eyes, like John's.
- Hi, can I take that?
- Oh.
He's cute.
- Veto.
- Come on.
- He's a towel boy, Eliza.
- I'm unemployed, Sofia.
- Look past the towel
boy there to your left.
(upbeat techno music)
That's Rich Hawthorne.
He's an orthopedic surgeon,
and he just bought his
own 4.8 million townhouse
on East 74th.
- I don't know.
I'm just not into the
whole chiseled thing.
- Yes, you are.
- How does he get
his hair so perfect?
- Ooh, there's John.
- What's up guys?
- What's up man?
Our future husbands,
they're friends.
- I told you I did my homework.
It's literally meant to be.
Think about it.
Okay, "A Guide to
Marrying Rich."
His name is Rich.
He is rich.
- Yeah, yeah. I got it.
Okay, fine.
I'll go introduce myself.
- Don't you dare.
According to the book,
the first time a guy
lays his eyes on you
has to be memorable.
Ooh, I got it.
Okay.
You go for a swim,
you get a cramp,
you start to drown,
and he saves you.
And then your bikini top
comes off in the process.
- I think the fake drowning
is memorable enough.
- Not as memorable as tits.
Just saying.
(mischievous music)
(Eliza sighs)
- Help.
Help.
I'm drowning.
Oh, the water.
It's so rough here.
And I'm not as strong
as swimmer as I thought.
I'm in a rip tide.
Help.
I'm in a rip tide.
Help. Help.
- Your top!
- What?
- Take off your top.
Tits!
- I'm not doing that. No.
Help.
(phone chiming)
- Hey, daddy-o.
- [Doug's Father] Hey, Doug.
What do you say you
cut out of there early
and meet me for some lunch.
- I'm working, remember?
- [Doug's Father] Well,
you're working too hard.
- Oh, says the hardest
working guy I know.
- I'm drowning.
I'm really drowning this time.
Help.
Help, I'm drowning.
- Dad, I gotta go, Dad.
- Help.
Help, I'm drowning.
(spirited music)
- Okay I'm coming.
- Help, I'm drowning.
I'm single and drowning.
- I got you, I got you.
- What are you doing.
- No!
- Help!
- Okay.
- Help, help!
Not you.
- No!
- Look, okay.
Feet on the ground.
Then on and up.
Okay.
Wonderful.
The shore is right there,
there's some towels
that I can grab you.
- No, it's not...
That's okay, I'm okay.
- So you're pretending to drown?
- Um, uh.
Okay, this is embarrassing,
but my friend Sofia over there,
yeah, she told me
that this would be
a really great
way to meet a guy.
- Oh, well, I mean,
I'm one of those.
- Uh.
- Veto, veto, veto, veto!
Veto!
Veto!
- Yeah.
Not you.
You're not the guy.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, it's just, you know,
you're not really my type.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, so what is your type?
- Oh, you see that
chiseled guy over there?
Yeah, that's kind of my thing.
- Okay, so you owe me.
Start flailing.
(upbeat music)
- Help!
Help!
(Doug whistles)
- [Doug] Can we
get some help here?
- Help!
- I need help
saving this woman!
- Help, I'm so cold!
- A little help over here?
- We're drowning!
- I'm drowning too!
- [Eliza] We're drowning.
- [Doug] I'm struggling
to save this woman.
- [Eliza] Help us!
- Are you okay?
Are you good?
(ethereal music)
You all right?
- Uh, yeah.
(upbeat pop music)
I am so good.
(Rich and Eliza giggle)
- I'm Rich.
- Eliza.
(easygoing music)
- I hate that all the rich guys
go back to the city
during the week.
It makes our timeline
so much crunchier.
- Well, I think
it's a good thing.
We can't spend all our summer
trying to get these
guys to fall for us.
We need to work.
Otherwise, we're
gonna spend our summer
eating out of
people's garbage cans.
- Eliza, it's the Hamptons.
There's lobster in
those garbage cans.
- Oh.
(upbeat techno music)
Let's go.
(Sofia whimpering)
(bell dings)
- No way. Absolutely not.
This skin does not do
greasy environments.
- We've tried literally
everywhere else.
Okay.
Come on, Sofia.
- Can you read?
- Yeah.
- [Salty] Can you write?
- Totally.
- Can you carry a tray?
- Yeah.
- You're hired.
- Okay.
- It's a dream come true.
This isn't exactly the
chic Hamptons couture
I pictured wearing this summer.
- Oh, you'll be fine.
(bell dings)
- [Ryan] Order up.
(upbeat music)
- What are you staring at?
- I know you.
- Definitely not.
- Yeah, I know I definitely do.
- Well, I don't know you.
- I'm Ryan.
- Mm-hmm.
- You look like a model.
- Yeah, I am actually.
- Like a famous model.
See, I knew it.
What the hell are
you doing here?
- Research.
I got this big job.
They want me to be like a
normal person or something.
- Oh shit, that's cool.
Nice.
Hey, wait there for a second.
- Oh my gosh, how dare you.
(camera clicks)
- Hi, are you ready to...
Oh.
- Ah, well hello.
- Hi.
- Are you really
gonna take my order
or are you just pretending
to be a waitress?
- What I'm pretending is that
that whole drowning thing,
it just never happened
and that we've never met.
You feel like playing along?
- Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm Doug.
- Eliza.
I like what you're wearing.
It's very Ducky.
- Yeah.
You know, most people
assume I'm a Blane
but I got a secret dorky
or Ducky thing happening.
- Wait, you know,
"Pretty in Pink?"
- Not every word by heart, but.
- Well, I know
every single word.
In fact, the only movie
that I've seen more times
than "Pretty in Pink" is-
- "Say Anything."
- Get out of my head.
- "Say Anything" has
got to have the best
moment of any '80s movie ever.
- You mean when John Cusack
shows up at Ione Skye's house
even after she says that
she doesn't love him?
- But he doesn't believe her
and he stands outside her window
holding that boom
box above his head
with Peter Gabriel
singing "In Your Eyes."
Ah, what?
- It's just we're not
supposed to like that anymore.
- What?
- You know, because the whole
guy shows up at a girl's house
in the middle of the night-
- It was sunrise.
- Uninvited, even after she said
that she didn't like him.
- Oh man.
- [Eliza] Yeah.
- Oh, my whole world just.
- I know.
I know, it's been
a long road for me.
- I mean, I did stop
watching "16 Candles"
at some point for
obvious reasons, but-
- Well, I promise that
this is just as obvious
if you have a vagina.
It's heartbreaking.
- The problem is,
when I'm heartbroken,
all I wanna do is watch
those movies on a loop.
- I know. It's vicious cycle.
- Eliza.
Your order's up.
What do you think you're doing?
- I was just talking.
Oh my God.
Sofia, you don't actually
think that I'm into him.
- You said he was cute.
- And you vetoed it
and I respect that.
He is 100% in the friend zone.
- Okay, good.
Just make sure it
stays that way.
(upbeat music)
- I don't know about you,
but I could use a drink.
- Why don't you just get
on the train, go home,
and give up now?
Chapter three.
Desirable women never pay
for their own cocktails.
- This is the first night
that I don't smell
like french fries.
I wanna have a good
time and I wanna drink.
Who cares if I pay for it?
- Margaret does.
- Oh, we're on a
first name basis now.
- Don't mock the book.
- What are you saying?
That just by reading this book,
men are gonna drop
out of the sky
and buy us cocktails.
- Looks like you
ladies need a drink.
What are we having?
- Well, we both enjoy
sex on the beach,
but we don't know you well yet.
So martinis.
(elegant piano music)
- You are very fit.
(both chuckle)
- Well, I try to run
every morning before work.
- Oh, what time do you
usually get to work?
- 6:00.
- Wow.
You are unlike anyone
I've ever dated.
(Rich chuckles)
Not that we're dating.
Okay, I'm gonna take this drink
and put it in my mouth
so I stop talking.
(Rich laughs)
- So, tell me
something about you.
- Okay.
I am from Queens.
That is the borough
where JFK is.
- Sounds kind of familiar.
- Okay, good. You're following.
My parents are public
school teachers.
- [Rich] Oh, good for them.
- Yeah, it's a noble profession
or so I've been told.
- Have you ever
thought about teaching?
- No, that's not my calling.
- What's your calling?
- Event planning.
I know it sounds, by comparison,
like completely insignificant,
but I totally love it.
I mean, okay,
taking a space that's blank
or worse generic,
and turning it into
like an experience
for whatever really.
I mean, you hope that
the event is worthy,
but even if it's not,
the work is like
always changing.
It's part customer service,
part visionary, super creative.
- Wow, you are
really passionate.
(both chuckle)
- Is that not how you feel
about orthopedic surgery?
- Nope.
But it's a good job.
- [Eliza] Yeah.
- It's nice that your parents
were so cool with you
just doing your own thing.
- I take it yours weren't?
- I mean, I never
really pushed back.
- Eliza, can I talk to you?
- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
We have to leave right now.
- What? Why?
- Chapter number one.
Always leave a guy wanting more.
And frankly, I'm drunk and horny
and I'm gonna screw
John in the parking lot
unless we go right now
and ruin everything.
- Oh, come on.
I'm having such a good time.
- [Sofia] Are you
gonna doubt Margaret?
(scoffs) I would never.
Well, can I say goodbye first?
Or does Margaret think
that makes me look
desperate and undesirable?
- No, you're good.
Just make it breezy.
- [Eliza] Okay.
- Look at you.
Wow.
- Look at you.
Hey, you work at a bar too.
- Trying to learn as much
about the hotel
business as possible.
- Cool.
- Something you should know.
Don't bother the customers.
- You're not bothering me.
- [Sofia] That boy does not
know he's in the friend zone.
- Hey, Doug, you're a friend!
Friend zone!
I didn't think
that a guy could be
all the things that Rich is.
I mean, he's handsome, he's
successful, and so charming.
And I really can't
get over his hair.
It's so like perfectly coiffed.
God, I hope he doesn't
think that I blew him off.
- Oh, are you kidding me?
It's perfect.
That book is a
miracle of literature.
Think about it.
You and Rich and me and John.
- Mm, yeah.
Tell me about you and John.
- Well, he's just so loaded.
- Oh, okay.
Please tell me that
there are other things
that you're attracted
to about him.
- Yeah, like he's
totally hot for me.
- Of course he is.
Every guy's hot for you.
- I know, right?
Did I tell you you
could leave the bedroom?
- Something you'd like to share?
- Oh, okay.
So there's this whole
chapter in the book
about how guys won't buy the cow
when they can get
the milk for free.
And you know me, I've always-
- Dabbled in the dairy
distribution business.
- No, I just sleep with
guys I'm into way too soon.
- So you're using him?
- Yeah.
(scoffs) Oh, like he minds.
- Oh, wow.
Well, at least you and John
will have a romantic story
to tell your grandkids one day.
- Mm-hmm.
(car horn honking)
- You know, it's so tough
being a modern woman.
I don't know if I should
feel like Cinderella
or if I should file
a stalking report.
(Rich chuckles)
- Well, I would've called,
but you left without
giving me your number.
And you did mention that
you were staying on Bay Lane
and hey, did you
know that Bay Lane
is like eight miles long?
I think I pissed off a
lot of your neighbors.
(upbeat music)
(Eliza laughs)
Wanna go for a ride?
(upbeat music)
- I think this car cost
more than my parent's house.
- It was either
this or my Ferrari.
But I didn't want you to
think I was trying too hard.
I actually wanted a Prius,
but my dad talked me into this.
- Mm.
I hate to say this,
but I think your dad was right.
I mean, you recycle, right?
- Religiously.
- Yeah, so you offset it.
(Rich laughs)
- So if you're not turned
off too much by the Bentley,
do you want a ride to
the Movers and Shaker's
event next weekend?
- Are you asking-
- Yes, I'm asking you out.
- Okay, next question.
Who's moving and who's shaking?
- It's a big annual fundraiser.
- Oh, that's cool.
What's the cause?
- No idea.
But it's always for
a really good cause.
- Oh my God.
This reminds me of that
scene in "Pretty in Pink"
when Andrew McCarthy asks-
- "Pretty in Pink?"
- The movie.
You've never seen it?
- Should I?
- I mean, yes.
But it's one of those things
that you probably should have
watched when you were younger
'cause if you watched it now,
you'd probably be like, huh,
and that wouldn't
be good for us.
So, I don't know.
Maybe my answer is no.
- No, don't watch the movie
or no to being my date?
- Oh, hell yeah to
being your date.
- Good.
- So?
- Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God.
- Tell me! Tell me!
- Okay, he invited me to move
and or shake with him next week.
- Oh, my god.
Movers and shakers.
- Yeah, that, yeah.
- John called me
while you were gone
and he asked me to go with him.
(both squealing)
What did I tell you?
Never doubt Margaret.
- Never.
- Always leave
them wanting more.
- Always!
- Can you see it?
Eliza Hawthorne.
- Oh God, you're so ridiculous.
- You've gotta start
planning your wedding now.
Visualization was a big part
of Margaret's philosophy.
- Oh, I'm visualizing.
I'm just not
changing my last name
to suit a 1950s manual.
- 1967, bitch.
- Yeah, I'm still a feminist.
But what was that
part in chapter four
about always
letting the man pay?
- Oh, if you want to pay,
you know, just for funsies,
you have to give
the man the cash
so he can pay the bill.
- Okay, that makes total sense.
(knocking on door)
- I know, so smart.
- Hey.
- Sorry, I forgot something.
I wanna hold on
to this forever
(upbeat pop music)
See you next weekend.
- Okay, bye.
Don't stop
Don't stop
(Eliza sighs)
(upbeat pop music)
- What are we doing here?
This place is way
out of our league.
- We can't exactly wear
our Salty's uniforms
to the biggest
event of the season.
- Okay, you're right.
You're right, you're
right, you're right.
What about this?
- Hate It.
- Okay, me too.
No.
Trash.
Oh, a little bit.
Huh?
- Love it.
- Right?
- Love it.
- Okay, where's a mirror?
- Over there.
- Okay, oh my gosh, okay.
Hello, gorgeous.
Mm.
Oh, goodbye, gorgeous.
Have you seen how many zeros
are on these price tags?
Yeah, like, we should go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
We charge the dresses,
keep the price tags on,
and then return
them the next day.
- Isn't that stealing?
- No.
Think of it as borrowing
with the intent to return.
- Wow.
Margaret really did
think of everything.
- Actually, I came
up with that one.
- Oh, Sofia.
- I know. Thank you.
- [Eliza] You're great.
- I'm so smart.
- Okay.
- Let's take another
look, gorgeous.
- Okay, I mean.
- I really like
the green for you.
It brings out your eyes.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
(upbeat electronic dance music)
- Killing it, Trace.
Ah, the party.
Right, I'm working.
- Oh my God, everyone's
looking at us.
It's like we're the
bells of the ball.
- It really does feel
like a fairytale.
- Come on, let's dance.
(upbeat electronic
dance music continues)
- You know, as important as my
modeling career means to me,
I think being a stay-at-home
mom is even more important.
So I'd totally
give up my career,
as hard as it would be.
And, you know, it's a
lot of work to keep up
with a 4,000 square foot
plus farmhouse style home
in Connecticut on a
minimum of two acres
while chasing after 3.5
kids and a Carlton doodle.
How about you?
- I'm not really a dog person.
- Oh, I was just kidding
about the doodle.
- I'm not sure if
I want kids either.
- Oh, I know.
They can be such
attention sucks.
- No, I like kids.
I just think the
planet's overcrowded.
- I was thinking the same thing.
It's like we have one mind.
- Can I get you another drink?
- Oh, I don't wanna
get too drunk.
I'm worried I might make a move.
- Oh, no.
Don't do that.
(upbeat dance music)
What do you say after the party,
we go back to my place?
- I, um.
I, um.
I mean, okay, look.
I really like you,
and I would love
to like, you know.
It's just, I don't
think that I'm ready
for like, you know.
But it's not that I've,
like, never you knowed
or it's not like I've
you knowed a ton either.
I guess it depends on
how you define, you know.
- Are we talking about sex?
- Yeah, that's, yeah, that's
the word I'm looking for.
- I just wanna spend
more time with you.
My parent's house
has eight bedrooms,
and you can pick
any one you want.
And if you happen
to end up in mine,
I won't kick you out.
- Oh, you're so kind.
- Oh, dear.
You forgot to take
off the price tag.
- Uh, um.
I really have to, um...
I'm gonna be right back.
I just have to...
Sorry.
Sorry, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No!
No.
It's not stealing.
It's borrowing with
intent to return.
Are you freaking kidding me?
- [Doug] Whoa.
- Doug?
- Are we doing the
garbage grabbing scene
from "Back to the Future?"
- This isn't an
'80s movie moment.
(gentle acoustic music)
Oh, god.
This is an '80s movie moment.
And I'm the leading lady
who let her world get
turned upside down
because she's pretending to
be something that she's not.
- Okay, well,
why don't we get
this leading lady
out of the dumpster, huh?
Because it looks
pretty uncomfortable.
- It's really gross in here.
- Yeah, it looks pretty gross.
Come on.
Careful.
Watch your step.
Oh, what is that?
Okay, let's get out quick.
Hold your breath.
Yeah, I don't remember Doc
Brown being in his boxers.
- It's laundry day.
- So why exactly were
you in the dumpster?
- Because I let my friend Sofia
convince me to buy a dress
that costs more than my rent.
And now the tag is
somewhere in this dumpster
and I can't find it
and now I can't return the dress
and they're probably gonna
send me to debtor's prison.
And I know that those
don't exist anymore,
but they'll probably build
a new one just for me,
because I'm a total idiot.
(gentle music continues)
- You could Poshmark it.
- I'm gonna Poshmark you
if you don't stop
trying to silver line
an unsilver lineable situation.
- Would you relax?
As soon as Rich proposes,
you'll tell him the story
and have a big laugh,
and then he'll
pay for the dress.
I mean, hell, if
you asked him to,
I'm sure he'd buy you
the entire dress store.
- There's no way.
Not after I ghosted
him last night
and didn't say goodbye to
him on the first night.
- Margaret says-
- No, Sofia,
at some point you're just rude.
And it's so tragic because
I really, really like him
and I really, really like
how it felt last night
getting all dressed
up, you know,
with all those fancy people,
doing all those amazing things,
and having this gorgeous
guy flirting with me.
But leave it to me to
end up dumpster diving.
Like there's a reason
I end up with
losers my whole life
is because I am one.
- You're not a-
(knocking on door)
Oh.
Eliza, this is a loser.
- Sofia.
Rude.
- Nice to see you too.
- Sorry about her.
You're not a loser.
I mean, I don't think.
Maybe you are, I don't know.
- I'm not.
- What are you doing here?
- Well I thought
you might want this.
(gentle music)
- Oh my God. Oh my God!
You found it.
- Happy to help.
(knocking on door)
- Guess this is a bad time.
- Oh, Rich, no.
He was...
- I should go.
- Okay.
But Doug, you actually
saved my life this time.
Thank you.
(Doug clicks tongue)
- These are for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- I got them because
I was worried
maybe that I was pressuring you
to come over to my
place after the party
and that's why you bailed
but I guess it was to
hook up with that guy, so.
- Doug?
No, he's just a friend.
Really.
I didn't blow you off.
I mean, well, I did,
but I didn't mean to.
It's a, it's a really long story
and it doesn't,
it's doesn't matter
because these are the
most beautiful flowers
I've ever seen in my life.
- Okay, I just, I feel like I'm
getting some mixed messages.
So, just that we're clear,
are you into me?
- I am so, so into you.
And I've just been
getting some advice lately
that I actually think
is really bad advice
and so I think we
should just probably
get naked instead right now.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay, we can do that.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(gentle music)
- Sorry, I just got
this thing with my hair.
- Oh, your hair.
No, I get it.
It's so perfectly coiffed.
I don't, are you okay?
- I'm good.
Come here.
- Oh!
(upbeat music)
- Alrighty, so where do we-
- Oh, upstairs, yeah.
Are you sure you're good
to carry me the whole way?
- Yeah.
- [Eliza] You're
taking off already?
- Yeah.
But I can't wait to
see you next weekend.
- I can't wait to see you.
- What do you say Saturday
you, me, all day, all
night on the yacht?
- I'd say that sounds
entirely all amazing.
(soft music)
- Bye.
- Bye.
(camera clicks)
- I swear to God, if you
take one more picture of me,
I'm gonna shove the
camera up your ass.
- Promise?
- Gross.
Why hasn't John made a move yet?
- Can we not talk
about John right now?
- Okay, I guess.
But just so you know,
I am always thinking about him.
- Oh, really?
Always?
- Mm-hmm.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, let's see
if we can fix that.
(upbeat music)
(Sofia giggles)
- Some condom...
Oh my God!
- Um, (laughs).
So, tonight, 9:00?
- I'm sorry, are
you talking to me?
- Okay.
- Sofia.
- It's fine.
He likes it when I'm mean.
Besides, he's serving a purpose.
If it weren't for Ryan,
I'd never hold out for John.
Things are just
so hot between us.
- Wait, what?
He made a move?
- Yeah, like so, so many.
Except unlike some people,
I'm staying strong
and following Margaret's advice.
At least, you know, until
he asks me to marry him.
- Well, I'm glad that I
didn't wait with Rich.
Although, to be honest,
the sex was a little
underwhelming.
- Shut your mouth.
- I'm not saying
that it wasn't good.
I'm saying that it
wasn't, you know, magic.
- Magic doesn't exist.
You know what does?
A townhouse on East 74th.
- I know. I know.
But if that part doesn't work.
- Hmm, get yourself a Ryan.
- Or a Doug.
Who, funny enough-
- Salty, the hair
cream is doing wonders.
Hi.
- Hi.
Whatever you want,
it's on the house.
- Ah, that's okay.
- Oh, it is the least I can do
after you saved
my credit rating.
- Well, if you really
wanna make it up to me,
are you busy tonight?
- She's busy.
Ah, very busy.
- Ah.
Because they're showing
"The Breakfast Club"
at the Revival House
in West Hampton.
- Oh my God.
I've never seen it
on the big screen.
- Then you haven't
really seen it.
Wanna meet there?
- Oh, no.
That's not gonna work.
I don't have a car.
One, because I can't afford one
and, two, because this
city girl can't drive, so.
- Then I guess we'll have
to do something about that.
(uplifting music)
- Okay.
- All right, hands
up, cover, cover.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
- I'm nervous.
What's happening?
What are you doing?
- It's a surprise.
Just go with it.
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- Just go with it.
- Okay, okay.
- And stop, stop, stop.
Open.
Huh?
(Doug laughs)
- Whose car is this?
- No idea.
But...
- You're stealing a car?
- Well, now, technically
you're stealing a car.
- Absolutely no, I am not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- I don't drive, remember?
- Of course I do.
That's why I'm gonna teach you.
Go.
- Oh no.
Call me Chris Columbus
Riding the ocean blue
I'm leaving home looking
for something new
It's never been done before
Leaving my familiar
shores in search for me
In my F150
Call me Ford Explorer
Got the rims painted black
I'm not paid, but
I can pull off that
And now I'm trying to
get the house to match
(Doug yelps)
(tires screeching)
Long nights in Vegas
When you party
like you're famous
In God's hand
That's paradise
When anytime we'll do
the birds and the bees
That's what it
feels like inside
It's paradise
When you're
living your dream
Making money that's so green
(brakes squeal)
- Okay.
- Hold on, Dougie.
(engine revs)
It's paradise
- You really got the
need for speed, I think.
- I think I'm ready for NASCAR.
- One step at a time, Eliza.
(both chuckle)
It's pretty
incredible, isn't it?
- Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Wait, what do you
think you're doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
- No, we're just friends.
- Why?
Why can't we try
something, Eliza?
- Because I'm with Rich.
- What is so great about Rich?
- Um, basically everything.
- Oh, come on.
- What?
He's smart, generous, chiseled.
- Oh, which we both
know is your thing.
- And he's also-
- Oh, he's got boat
loads of money.
Yeah, I know.
- Whoa, that's not
what I was gonna say.
- You're telling me if Rich
had nothing to his name,
you'd still be into him?
- Of course I would.
Who do, who do you
think that I am?
(melancholy music)
- Look, Eliza.
- [Eliza] No.
- Eliza wait.
(gentle acoustic music)
- Here you are.
Watch out, it's sandy out there.
- How perfect is this?
A gorgeous, sunny afternoon
and we coincidentally
have the day off.
- Hey, you better hope
Salty doesn't find out
that you are the one
who filed the complaint
with the health inspector.
(upbeat music)
- So what?
You two aren't even
friends anymore?
- No, we're not.
He accused me of
being a gold digger.
- What an ass.
- Yeah.
- So you do know if
you don't hit it off
with Rich's parents
at this dinner,
then there's no
gold for you, right?
- It's not about the gold.
- It's a little
bit about the gold.
And that's all right.
I mean, think about all of
the Dougs over the years
that you've given everything to.
You just-
- I know, I know.
God, I hope his parents like me.
- Good thing chapter seven
is entirely devoted to
meeting the parents.
- Lay it on me.
- Okay.
So you know the way you are.
Don't be that way.
You should have
very few opinions.
Don't talk about
politics, religion,
or anything if you can avoid it.
- So just sit there
and act like a mute?
- No, don't be silly.
You should look
at Rich adoringly.
Say adoring things about Rich.
And remember,
it's much more important
to be interested
than interesting.
(phone chiming)
- Hey, Dad.
- Eliza, get your
head in the game.
- I am, it is.
It's just...
Did I tell you that
Doug kissed me?
- What?
- Okay, calm down.
You literally tickle
Ryan's undercarriage
with a peacock
feather every night.
- How do you know
about the feather?
- I live in a loft.
There's very little insulation.
And the point is,
it was good.
- No, no it wasn't.
That is the fear talking
because things are
going so well with Rich
and you are literally
about to have
the life of my dreams.
- Okay, aren't you working
at the life of your dreams?
- Yes.
But things are moving
a little slower
with John than I'd prefer.
We'll catch up.
I'm just so happy for you.
- Uh-huh.
- And she loves '80s
movies as much as I do,
although she's given me
a brutal, brutal
education on the message.
(Doug's father laughs)
- [Doug's Father] And why
isn't she your girlfriend?
- Because she's
into somebody else.
- [Doug's Father]
Doug, you listen to me.
If she's really in
love with someone else,
you shouldn't compete with him.
That's just bad manners.
But if you think
that's the girl for you
and you don't fight for her,
well that you'll regret forever.
(gentle music)
(easygoing piano music)
- So how was your week at work?
Anything interesting happen?
- Do you know about the Nasdaq?
- Of course.
I have one of their handbags.
You know what I love about us?
The fact we don't
even need to talk
shows just how comfortable
we are with one another.
- Why you would choose to
work at a private hospital
when you could work at a
major university is just-
- Paul, enough.
He doesn't care
about the accolades.
- Or the grants or the labs.
- I'm good with just focusing
on my little practice, honestly.
You guys shot for the stars
and you know I respect
that about you,
but it's not like I
did anything crazy.
I didn't become a public
school teacher or something.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Eliza's parents
are both teachers.
- Oh, how sweet.
- What do you think, Eliza?
Is Rich selling himself short?
- Oh, I think that
Rich is perfect
just the way that he is.
I'm just gonna run to the
lady's room real quick.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Whoever heard of a bathroom
that doesn't have a window
you can crawl out of?
What kind of dump is this?
- Would you relax?
His parents probably love you.
Just keep smiling and let
them do all the talking.
- Looks like you remembered
to take off all your
price tags tonight.
- Yeah, I did.
And tonight's already
been a total disaster.
So, if you could just not
pull anything else off of me,
that'd be great.
- Meeting the parents
for the first time, huh?
Just be yourself, dear.
They're either gonna
like you or not like you,
but if they don't like you,
better they don't like
you because you're you.
- Thank you for that totally
unsolicited piece of advice
but we already have
all the wisdom we need.
- Oh dear God.
Do people still read 'A
Guide to Marrying Rich?"
So much for the second
wave of feminism.
- That's what I'm sayin'.
Look, my parents love teaching
and all they ever
encouraged me to do
was to find something
that I loved enough
that I could do it for free
and then try to make
a living doing that.
And sure,
I could have pursued
a lot more things
that would've earned
me a lot more money.
But at the end of the day,
I chose event planning
because it's what I
really wanted to do.
And then I did
unpaid internships
and paid internships
and I worked myself to the bone.
- Well, with that much drive,
I'll bet you're
very good at it too.
- I'm great at it, honestly.
But it's because
I love doing it.
And I think you have
to spend your life
doing what you love.
- I couldn't agree more.
- So, if Rich wants to
work at a county clinic,
I think that he needs to
do what makes him happy.
- Well, disagree on the
county clinic thing,
but of course we want
Rich to be happy.
- You know, I like your spunk.
We could use a little bit
more of it around here.
So, here is to
seeing more of you.
(insects chirping)
- I hope you're okay with
staying here tonight.
I felt weird about
staying at your house
with your parents there.
I didn't want them
to think I was-
- First of all, my parents
know that I have sex.
- Oh, weird.
- Isn't that crazy?
But more important,
you made such a good impression
you couldn't get
them to dislike you
even if you tried.
- I don't know.
I'm pretty good at
turning people off.
- All I know is you're
very good at turning me on.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry.
Your hair?
- No, it's all good.
- Oh, okay.
They really did like me?
- No, they loved you.
And I don't blame them
because I do too.
- Wait, you-
- Yeah.
I love you.
- I love you too.
(Doug mumbling)
(Doug winces)
- Son of a bad dog.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I thought about it
and I felt really bad
about what happened
the other night.
So I came here to
tell you I was sorry
but then I thought if
I opened my mouth again
I might say the wrong
thing or, you know.
I figured it was
safer all taped up.
(Doug winces)
But you gotta admit,
the Duct tape,
that was really cute.
I mean, who does that?
Come on.
(Doug laughs)
There it is.
Look, Eliza, I really am sorry.
I had no right to
say those things.
I never should have kissed you.
It was a real Bender move.
(Eliza chuckles)
Look, if you and Rich are happy-
- We're in love, actually.
- Totally cool with that.
I just, you know,
I want my friend back.
- I do too.
- So, we good?
- We're good.
(Eliza chuckles)
- So, now that we
are friends again,
I have something to do tomorrow
and I could use a friend's help.
(upbeat pop music)
- Okay, wow.
So first you make me steal a car
and now we're stealing a boat.
What's next, Dougie?
A Learjet?
- One of the members
of the beach club
is in Europe for a few weeks.
So he hired me to keep
his boat in tip top shape.
That means we're gonna
give it a workout
by sailing it to
his house in Montauk
and turning around.
- How do you know how
to do all of this?
- Oh.
I was a pirate.
- Oh.
- Well, more like a stow
away on a pirate ship.
- Arg.
- I worked in a marina on
the summers off from college.
- Okay, got it.
Is it not the most
beautiful day?
- Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
(thunder crashing)
[Doug] one sec, one sec,
I got it.
Okay, here we go.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- [Doug] I'm so sorry
that it's so crazy.
- No, I can't believe
that you knew what to do.
Thank God.
I can't believe we made it.
- Are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Let's get some lights on.
(thunder rumbling)
God, it's freezing in here.
Let's get you warm.
(both breathing heavily)
You okay?
- Yeah.
- That's better.
- Yeah.
- Here.
- I can think of worse places
to wait out a storm.
- Whoo.
Maybe I should find
us some warm clothes.
(romantic pop music)
(Eliza chuckles)
I hope
'Cause there's a chance
I could get it again
and I'd love to take
you to Block Island.
Oh, you'd love it.
What?
- Um, nothing.
I'm just feeling
kind of nauseous.
- The waters were
a little choppy.
Probably just seasick.
- Yeah, seasick.
Or I'm feeling incredibly guilty
and horrible about Rich.
- Right.
Right, right, Rich.
Well, you'll feel better
as soon as you tell him.
Let him down easy.
- Wait, I don't know if
that's what I wanna...
Honestly, I don't
know how I feel.
- You seemed to know exactly
how you felt last night.
- Yes.
Obviously I like you, okay.
And last night was...
- What?
But there was a storm
and a fire and a
house in Montauk.
So I don't know what
we were supposed to do.
- Okay, come on.
Eliza, we're both adults here.
- I know.
And I have to take
responsibility
for my own actions, okay.
I already learned this lesson.
It's just I really
care about him.
- And me?
- I really care about you too.
- And this has nothing to
do with his Bentley or-
- No.
And if it did, this
would be a lot easier.
He's a great guy and he's kind
and he genuinely
cares about people
and he loves me
and I can't just blow him off,
because I love him too.
- Seriously?
- Maybe.
I don't know. I don't know.
- Well, when you do know,
do me a favor,
let me know, okay?
(easygoing music)
- I'm telling you, the
sex was otherworldly.
- Of course it was. He's broke.
He's gotta bring
something to the table.
- Is that a thing?
Are rich guys bad in bed?
- Well, they don't
have to be good.
- I dunno what to do.
- Sex has just
clouded your brain.
Everything's misfiring.
Don't do anything stupid.
It was just huge mistake.
- Why is it a mistake for me
but it's okay for you
to sleep with Ryan?
- Well, because Ryan's
just a piece of meat
that I don't give
two craps about.
- Ouch.
- I'm kidding, kind of.
What's that?
- It's a...
- That's like the worst
picture of me ever.
- I don't think so.
I think it's,
I think it's perfect.
But I guess that explains that.
- What?
- The girl I thought you were
versus the girl
you actually are.
- Let's just talk this
out by the fridge.
- Screw you.
- Yeah, that's exactly the idea.
- Not anymore it's not.
- Thanks a lot.
- How is this my fault?
- Well, it's not my fault.
- See, that's what I can't do.
I can't pretend that
everything is not my fault.
I did this.
I have to own it.
I have to tell Rich the truth.
- Has the book
taught you nothing?
What place does the truth
have in a relationship?
- I agree with Eliza.
- Of course you do.
Look, if you tell
Rich what happened,
he'll break up with you.
And I have put too much
effort into your relationship
for it to fall apart now.
Plus the book says
that it's perfectly
okay for a woman
to have a few secrets
about her past.
- Don't tell my chef I was here,
but sometimes you just
need a great cheeseburger.
Apologizing for eavesdropping,
but when I wrote "Secrets
About Your Past,"
I didn't mean secrets
about your present.
(uplifting music)
- You're Margaret Dumont?
- Unfortunately, I am.
- You wrote "A Guide
to Marrying Rich."
- I did, but it was
a long time ago.
And to be candid,
I didn't know what
I was talking about.
(Sofia squeals)
Nothing in that book
is sound advice
even 50 years ago.
Except for the part about
always wearing a hat.
Who knew the havoc sun
damage would cause?
- You're wrong.
We both followed your rules
and now we both
have rich boyfriends
who are very handsome and
we've never been happier.
- Oh, speak for yourself.
My life is a mess.
- Trust me.
I played by the
rules in the book
and I was never truly happy,
never truly in love.
- Let me get that for you.
(people chattering)
- I missed you a lot this week.
I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
- Actually, I have something
that I wanted to
talk to you about.
It's kind of important.
- Hold on one second.
- [Paul] Here they are.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Wow, it's such a surprise.
- Oh yeah, my
parents are in town
and they're joining
us for brunch.
- Okay.
- It's my fault.
I insisted in horning
in because, well,
I wanted to ask
you a little favor.
- Oh, what could I possibly do?
- Well, it's our 30th
anniversary in a few weeks
and we just decided
to hold a big bash
for all our Hamptons friends.
- Wow.
- What she means is
she's been talking
about this for months
and I finally agreed to it.
- Okay.
(Katherine chuckles)
- Eliza, I would love it
if you would help me out.
- Oh, wow.
- [Katherine] And I'm not
taking no for an answer.
- Oh my.
I...
So as they are set up,
how do you feel
about the numbers?
- Well, it's good, but really,
I'm just concerned that the
guest list is gonna grow
because it always does.
And then we won't have
room for the dance floor
or the bandstand and-
- Unless we do 12 tops
instead of 10 tops.
- That could get a little tight.
- Right, but not necessarily.
I'm thinking a Moroccan theme.
So a night in Casablanca.
So we'll do shared platters
and tajines on the tables
so we don't have to
worry about serving
and the whole thing will feel
just a lot more
cozy and intimate.
And then to offset the
white of the hotel,
long sheer colorful drapes.
- And what about large
colored candles on the tables?
- Absolutely.
And Persian rugs
line the floors.
- I love this idea.
Eliza, you are just fabulous.
- Oh, thank you.
Okay, so the bandstand, yes.
We'll build it up
towards the back.
- You know, we really
miss you at Salty's.
It's just not the
same without you.
- Okay.
- No, really.
The new chef smells like feet.
I'd never sleep with him.
- Seriously?
This is your way of trying
to get me back into bed?
- Is it working?
- No.
- Fine.
Do you know why Ryan
is being such a tool?
- Maybe because
he's a human being
with actual feelings.
- I don't think that's it.
He better not be
screwing someone else.
- Hello, sir.
The blue looks great on you.
- You gotta stop looking
at him like that.
- Like what?
- Like you care.
You need to sweep that
mess under the rug
where no will ever find it
or I promise you it will
bite you in the ass.
- I'm not gonna
say anything, okay?
- No, it's not you I'm
worried about anymore.
It's him.
He's probably gonna
show up to your wedding,
singing some stupid Air Supply
song at the top of his lungs.
- Okay, so what am
I supposed to do?
- Just go over there
and be a bitch.
If you have any
problem with that,
pretend you're me.
(Eliza sighs)
- Okay, okay.
Be a bitch, be a bitch.
Okay.
Hey.
I don't know how
else to say this,
but whatever this is, it's over.
- Because you're with him?
- Yeah, I am.
- So you don't feel
anything for me?
- Not like that.
- I don't believe you.
- Well, you don't get to tell me
what I want or how I feel.
So, I don't want you.
So, goodbye.
- Bye, Eliza.
(gentle music)
(rhythmic music)
- You're doing a great job.
Okay, all right.
- Hey, bus boy.
I need a word with you.
Come with me.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, Eliza.
I don't believe it.
I knew you'd be good,
but you are so much
better than good.
- Well, thank you for letting me
play with an unlimited budget
in one weeks time.
- Well, I just-
- Unlimited.
- Honey, you haven't
had your martini yet.
Let's go get that.
Oh, and Eliza, the owner
of the hotel, David Zane,
flew in for the event.
- You're kidding.
- No. I'll introduce you later.
He's gonna love
what you've done.
- That would be amazing.
- Rich, honey,
don't let that girl get away.
- I won't.
- Oh.
- Sofia, I'm so happy my
nephew's finally met a girl.
- Thanks, Becky.
- [Becky] Hey, hey, hey.
- Aunt Becky.
- [Becky] That's right.
- I hope I'll be
seeing more of you.
- Oh, thank you
so much for that.
She totally bought it.
- Bought?
- Us, like being a thing.
- We are a thing, aren't we?
- I mean, well technically I'm
gay.
- Gay.
Yeah, I know.
Nobody turns this down.
- That cook certainly doesn't.
You're head over heels for him.
- I am not.
- Me thinks the lady
doth protest too much.
- Don't quote Yoda at
me at a time like this.
John, mm, I love you.
- Sofia, please.
- I'm at least in love
with the idea of you
and I think that
is the foundation
for a long-lasting marriage.
- You don't seriously want
us to be together, do you?
- Why not?
I mean, maybe you
didn't get the memo,
but basically everyone's pan now
and no one cares
who you sleep with,
especially not me so
long as you marry me
and make me very, very rich.
- My Aunt Becky cares,
which is the only reason I care.
She's in charge of
my trust fund, so.
- So what are you saying?
- Look, we're both benefiting
from this arrangement.
You're a fantastic
dance partner.
- So are you.
- And if we could
grab dinner, say,
once every quarter
with Aunt Becky.
- I want you to buy me
something very expensive.
- How about a boat?
- Make it a yacht
and we're good.
- I really need to talk to you.
- Wanna get us tipsy?
- You know I do.
- I really need to talk to you.
So, this whole time I've
been getting speared.
- I kind of saw that coming.
- And also I think
I'm in love with Ryan.
- (laughs) Of course
you're in love with Ryan.
He's perfect for you.
He adores you more than
you adore yourself.
And what more could
you really ask for?
- I've gotta go find him.
How do I look?
- Yeah, like a million bucks.
- Which I'll never have.
- Yeah, but I think I will.
So, you know, what's
mine is yours.
- Wait, is this what you
wanna talk to me about?
- Yeah.
So this is a thing.
Rich's mom told him
to never let me go
and then he held onto me
with some sort of vice grip
and said that he
won't and so, Sofia-
- Oh my god.
- Yeah, I think
this is happening.
- And it's what you want?
- Of course it is.
- So you definitely
don't love Doug.
- What?
Why are you asking me that?
This whole time you've been-
- I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
(Sofia sighs)
It's just, I was, wrong.
The book was wrong.
Margaret's said it herself.
- Okay, but just
because you're ready
to run off with Ryan...
Okay, Rich is amazing
and I could see our
whole future together.
It's one where I get everything,
like the career and
the townhouse and-
- The guy.
Rich is the guy you want.
- Yes.
- Then I'm so happy for you.
I'm a little bit jelly,
but I'm mostly happy.
(both laughing)
- Eliza, I think Rich
wants to show you
something on the lawn.
- (laughing) Okay.
This is it, okay.
I think I, I just gotta
go to the bathroom.
I just gotta go pee
like really quick.
But, um, I can be right there.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
(Eliza sighs)
(upbeat percussion music)
The moment is now.
Rich, I didn't expect this.
Oh my God.
Oh my.
(Eliza sighs)
I do.
Yes.
Yes.
- Trying to convince
yourself you wanna say yes?
- Margaret?
Wait, no, I, I just,
I just want the
moment to be perfect.
- Oh, what a crock.
Where's the sex
appeal in perfect?
Sweetheart, I've given a lot
of bad advice in my time.
But what I'm about to tell you,
you can take to the bank.
You can't marry
someone you don't love.
- I do love him.
- If you say so.
But I'll tell you what,
I've been there done
that six times over.
All I'm saying is make sure
you've got that
magic going for you.
- What we have,
Eliza, it's magic.
I love you
and I want to keep
loving you forever
if you'll let me.
So, Eliza.
- Okay.
- Will you marry-
- Sorry, would you stop?
Okay, just, sorry.
Would you,
would you just come
up, come up here?
Yeah, sorry.
Rich, you are such
an amazing guy.
- But.
- But I don't think that
what we have is magic.
But that's not to say
that I don't think that
magic doesn't exist
because I think that it does.
It's just that what
it takes to make magic
is messy and sweaty,
and dirty, and sticky.
And you are just like so clean.
(box lid snaps)
- So what you're saying
is I'm too perfect?
- Kind of, yeah.
I mean, you are so nice
and generous and handsome
and what you do like,
this is so impressive.
And I'm embarrassed to say this,
but I feel like I just got like
swept up in the fantasy of...
Shit.
I think I need to sit down.
Nope.
Okay, I'm good. Yeah.
I've just,
I've been where you are a lot.
It sucks to think that
the person that you love
might be using you.
- So, what?
You were just here
for the fancy dinners
and the once in a season event
that you got to plan
and now that you've got
everything that you wanted,
you're out?
- That is one really
horrible interpretation
of what happened.
It's awful.
And I'm sorry that
that's even on the table.
You probably won't believe this,
but I really did love
spending time with you,
like a lot.
It's just that I feel like
I don't even know you.
- Because we haven't spent
that much time together.
- But I feel like you don't
really know you either,
apart from who your
parents want you to be.
And I know that you
don't wanna take advice
from a girl who's-
- Breaking your heart.
- But please just go out there
and find that thing
that makes you happy.
Like really happy,
like what you geek out for,
and just go chase
the hell out of that.
(gentle acoustic music)
- Okay, well,
I'm gonna see about
returning a ring.
(uplifting music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Haven't you ever
heard of consent?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no, totally.
No, yeah.
It's just, well, I was,
I was talking to John and...
No, it, it's not
about, it's, it's...
This picture.
It's, it's not the
worst picture of me.
It's, it's just,
this picture is me.
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not a big
fancy famous model.
I'm a girl from Nebraska
who's terrified of ending
up back where she started.
I left saying I was gonna
make something of myself
and look at me.
I've nothing.
- Hey.
That's not true.
Come on.
You were, you're a big deal.
- I'm really not.
I'm not.
- Not sure about that.
- I live with like
seven other models.
It's gross.
It's just not cute.
It's...
This is from my JC Penney shoot.
Why do you have this?
- My mom orders the catalogs
and she goes through them
to tell me what to
get her for Christmas
and then I go through
them for material.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's for my mood boards, okay.
Anyways, I'm back
home for the holidays
a few years ago
and there you were.
I thought, "Man, this is
the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen."
And then I met you.
It's crazy.
And I got to meet her.
I thought, "That's the girl
that I wanna spend the
rest of my life with."
- I'm sorry I was so mean.
- You're sorry
and do you wanna be with me?
- Yeah, I do.
(both laugh)
Oh, we also have a yacht.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Since when?
- Like five minutes ago.
- (laughs) Okay.
- Aw, you guys.
Has anyone seen Doug?
Okay.
Oh.
- Wait a minute,
you're Eliza, right?
- Uh, yeah.
- David Zane.
- Oh, you're the guy
who owns the hotel.
- That would be me, yes.
Really excellent
work you did here.
I've never seen this
place look better.
- Thanks.
- You know, I'm always looking
for a talented event manager
if you'd be interested.
- You know what?
No.
- Eliza.
In this case, and in this
case only, no means yes.
- No, it doesn't.
No means no.
I would never work
for you, Mr. Zane.
Because I've seen the way
that you talked to one of
your employees earlier.
Yeah, you called him bus boy.
But that's not his name.
His name is Doug.
And he is more
than just his job.
You know, everyone here is.
And you know what?
It's people like you
that make people like us
feel like we have to act a fool
just to get a little
piece of what you've got.
But what you've
got, it ain't a lot
because what you've
got makes people forget
the most important thing,
which is how we treat people.
So I'm gonna find Doug
and I'm gonna tell him
that I love him.
And.
and I'm taking this with me.
- Is that a boom-box?
(upbeat pop music)
(singing in foreign language)
- Okay, plot twist.
The woman is the creepy stalker.
- The woman is the one
who needs to apologize.
But if this crosses a boundary,
then I will totally turn it off.
- What is that music?
- It's not Peter Gabriel.
But let's just pretend
it's a powerful love song.
- Is this the moment
for a love song?
- God, I hope so.
(music continues)
(button clicks, music stops)
- I'll just put this down.
It's over with Rich.
- Good.
I didn't think you guys
were good for each other.
- We weren't.
You need to know
that I've been burned
and meeting you,
I got scared because I thought,
"Well, here I go again,
I know how this ends."
But the thing is,
even if you take me for
everything that I have,
which is almost nothing,
so it would be a really
dumb scam if you did,
but even if you let
me take care of you
while you're becoming
whatever wonderful thing
that you're gonna become,
and then you leave
me brokenhearted,
I'm gonna be upset.
But it will all
have been worth it
because every cell in
my being is telling me
that I have to be with you
because when I'm
with you, I'm me.
(soft romantic music)
I love you, Dougie.
And if you can forgive me,
I don't know what that means,
or like where we go from here-
- It doesn't matter.
I wanna go there with you.
- Does that mean?
- You know I'm crazy about you.
(soft romantic music continues)
- So, you know what's sad?
I could have provided us
with a nice little life
right here in the Hamptons.
The douche that runs this hotel,
he offered me a job
and I told him off.
- What?
You told him off?
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it was kind
of epic, honestly.
But I, but I was doing
it to defend you.
- Huh.
So, do you want that job?
- Oh, are you kidding?
It was a dream job, but.
- Okay, then it's yours.
I don't think my
dad will fault you
for telling him off
in defense of his son.
- Wait, what?
- My name's Doug Zane
and in two weeks I start as
vice president of operations
for Zane Hotels.
- Are you, are you kidding me?
- I made my dad promise
not to blow my cover.
I just wanted to
spend the summer
learning as much as I could
and I knew that there was no way
I could get the real deal
if everyone knew who I was, so.
- So you're telling me you're-
- Loaded. Yeah.
(Eliza laughs)
Don't hate me.
- I mean, I don't know.
You did lie to me.
So it may take me some time
to get over this and...
(romantic pop music)
Okay, I'm over it.
I'm over it.
- Hey, dummy.
What do you think you're doing?
You're on the clock.
I hope you don't think
you're gonna be working
here next summer.
- No, I hope you don't think
you're gonna be working
here next summer.
- Excuse me?
- He kind of owns the place.
Yeah, just found out myself.
(upbeat pop music)
Doug Zing, Ya.
- See ya, Eric.
(button clicks)
(upbeat foreign music)
Would you like to partake
in this rhythmic
ceremonial ritual?
- Ah, do fish under
the sea dance?
- We are by the ocean.
(singing in foreign language)
(both laughing)
- [Doug] It's sand!
I'll try.
(singing in foreign
language continues)