Why Him? (2016) Movie Script

Hey, babe.
So happy to see you!
Hi! I got your flowers.
That was so sweet of you.
Of course.
Well, I know you're finishing
your global health paper today
and you've been working
really hard on it.
Well, I'm almost done, so, maybe
you want to come over
and Netflix and chill and...
You mean you want to fuck?
I did not say that!
Oh, my god!
I know.
No! I was being
more subtle than that!
I know. I'm sorry.
Yes, I am so down for that.
It's been like
three fucking days.
My balls are so blue right now,
like dark blue,
Like almost black.
No, I'm fucking serious.
Here, check it out.
I believe you.
I believe you.
I'll see your
almost-black balls later.
Cool, Steph.
Come over any time after 6:00.
Okay, hun?
Okay. Dude,
we are going to Netflix
and chill this shit so hard.
Peaky blinders. Kimmy Schmidt!
Movember's over.
Time to shave the pornstache.
Sorry. Making a murderer!
Stranger things!
Black balls!
Anyways, Ned followed his dreams
and turned a run-down
old printing press
into the industry powerhouse
known today
as the Fleming company.
Best boss in the world!
The Fleming company!
We're talking
brochures for
steelcase furniture,
half the specialty jobs
in grand rapids
and who could forget
the domino's pizza circular?
But before all that...
Ned met a young Michigan
Wolverine, Barbara welsh.
How did this older guy get me?
Ned took her on their first date
to see his favorite band...
My favorite band, too!
Rock and roll!
A few years later,
the stork brought
my sister, Stephanie.
She's so cute.
They weren't close at all.
Oh, dropping her off at school.
Then came me, Scotty f.
Did we have another child?
I forgot about that second baby.
Oh, we had another child.
Anyways, big cheese.
I'm sorry, guys.
I promised myself
I wasn't gonna do this.
But I love you, dad.
Happy birthday.
Way to go, Scotty!
I love you, too, buddy.
Thank you. Wow!
That was fantastic.
We've got
one last surprise for you.
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
live from her dorm room
at Stanford...
It's my sister, Stephanie!
Hi, everyone!
Hey, honey!
Hey, Steph!
Hey, it's Kevin!
Hi, Kevin!
Can we see?
Hi, momma.
Hi, dad.
The birthday boy.
Hey, honey.
You guys look like
you're having so much fun.
And I wish I could
be there with you.
She's so sweet.
Get out.
Yeah, I just wanted to say,
dad, that I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
I love you more.
No, you don't.
Love you to the moon and back.
I'll let you win this round.
Okay, pops?
Even though you're now like...
You are still...
What are you doing here?
You asked me to come over.
You're early.
I said after 6:00.
All right.
Give me a sec,
- I'm on the phone.
- Got it.
It's just my friend. Anyway.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, laird, what are you...
Go finish your call.
I'm just getting ready
to Netflix and chill, baby.
No, not now, laird.
Oh, my goodness.
Kimmy Schmidt!
Pull up your pants.
Marco Polo.
Oh, my god!
How do you make it stop?
Whoa, whoa, mom,
you just took a screenshot.
Kevin, help her out. Kevin.
Hey, there he is.
Happy birthday, big cheese.
Thanks, Jim.
Hey, Ned.
Fun dinner last night.
Hey, Jerry.
Thanks. Lou.
Hey, cheese,
can I have a minute?
Sure. Good morning, Joyce.
Great party.
Hold all his calls.
You gotta be kidding me.
Big lots is bailing out on us?
We've had that account
since '06.
They're moving all their
print work to China.
Oh, god.
Cheese, we're already getting
pummeled by evite, stamp-free
and the rest of those
And at this rate,
we'll be chapter 11 by march.
What about
dick's sporting goods?
Well, I mean, I'm still
trading calls with my guy.
But, Ned,
can I be honest with you?
I can't keep this
from Patty much longer.
Lou, haven't I kept us going?
Yeah. I mean,
it's what you do.
I just need a little
more time. That's all.
You are the maestro.
Maybe you'll pull off
a Christmas miracle.
By the way, good job keeping
that game face last night.
Oh. Thanks.
That was some shindig, man.
Yeah, it was fun.
Well, till the kid
had his farter
all over the screen
in 3-d.
I was like, "whoa!
"That's a lot, man."
And get this...
Stephanie now wants us
to fly out...
To meet the man behind the
crack over the holidays.
With everything
that's going on here,
that's the last thing
I want to do.
Well, hold on now.
This is the first
serious boyfriend?
Yeah. Apparently.
I mean, it's so strange.
I mean, Stephanie and I
have always been so close.
And yet she has never even
mentioned this guy.
That's the way it goes, cheese.
I thought I knew everything
about Lou junior,
when he was down at Ohio state.
Out of nowhere,
he comes dragging home
this buckeye
that he's been dating
for over a year.
Nice girl, but still.
She's so controlling.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean it like that
because I don't know her
that well.
But I don't like her.
I don't.
It's just what happens,
you know?
Lou, what is the point
of all this?
Go out there and meet him.
I know we going through
a lot right now
but hell, Lou junior is talking
about getting married in may.
Once they're not
under your roof,
there's no telling
what they're into.
Oh, uh, that reminds me.
He does want you
to speak at the wedding
and say some kind words.
I told him that I would
talk to you about it.
And they'd like to get married
at your house in the backyard.
But anyway...
I'm just saying you might want to
get out there and meet this kid.
Because, I mean, you saw it.
You saw it, he's a free spirit.
You mean...
You heard him
come into the room.
He came in there guns blazing.
He had that revved up energy
where he was like...
He just wants to go
and go and go...
And just morning,
noon and night,
and "Stephanie, here I am.
"Stephanie, here I come.
I'm coming again."
I remember being that age,
don't you?
Just always ready.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, gosh,
it is so gorgeous here.
I'm very excited that you
guys are all out here.
We're very excited.
There's a few things that
I wanna tell you about laird
that I didn't feel like getting
into over the phone because...
Watch, honey...
You missed our exit.
I missed it on purpose.
Laird and I thought,
it'd be better if we all
stayed at his house.
His house?
When did this come up?
Did you know about this?
Are you sure
his parents have enough room?
I mean, he doesn't
live with his parents.
Honey, we're not gonna be
comfortable at some crash pad.
He lives by himself.
It's not a crash pad,
but it's much nicer
than the Sheraton.
Nicer than the club floor?
I smooth-talked the manager.
We got a suite
at the regular rate.
What? That's what I'm
talking about, big cheese.
That is impressive.
We have to turn back.
Free continental breakfast.
Mint on the pillow,
turndown service,
all things available
at the Sheraton.
I mean, is your lover
going to have that?
Your lover? Your lover?
We already all know
that you've seen his penis.
Well, this is cute.
Actually, this is the gatehouse.
What the heck?
Is that
a facial recognition scanner?
That's so cool.
The hedge is moving.
Honey, who exactly
are you dating?
Laird started this company
called guerrilla gang.
You play ape assassins, right?
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, that was my jam
in the eighth grade.
Great, that's him.
So, he makes video games?
- Apps, dad.
- This is it!
This is his house?
Are you sure this isn't
an apple store or something?
Oh, my god.
What is up, you gang?
I know!
The Flemings are here.
You have arrived!
Hi, buddy. Hi.
Hello, sweetheart.
Don't touch anything.
How was traffic?
It was okay.
Hi, they're here!
Hello to you, Ned Fleming.
You are perfect.
Well, thank you.
Oh, my god.
And this must be the main man.
Scotty, huh?
All right. Hey.
- Who are you?
- Gustav.
I am Gustav. Yes.
I never know
how to describe you.
Um, well, estate manager
is cool, Stephy, yes.
That works.
I used to run
the four seasons group in Asia
but after some point, you know,
the corporate life becomes
a bit of a snooze-fest.
You know, "Tiffany's this,
Cartier that."
But, you know. Just dot,
dot, dot. Enough already.
You know what I'm
talking about, Ned.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Where's laird?
Laird is upstairs.
He is just finishing
a teleconference.
He'll be right out.
Oh, okay.
Why don't we go up then?
Laird, I'm Ned.
No, no, no.
No, this is Randy.
That's not laird.
He's our intern.
Just graduated
Summa cum Laude at MIT.
So Randy, shake a leg.
Get their luggages.
Yes, sir.
The motherfucking Flemings
are in the house!
This is fucking awesome!
Get up here.
I'm so psyched to meet you.
Family, baby.
Fuck yeah!
Oh, my god.
Yes, my brotha!
Hey, Barb.
Hey, Ned. All right.
Oh, yes.
So glad you're here.
Hey. Hi.
Hey, baby.
I fucking missed you.
Why aren't you wearing a shirt
on your body?
Don't worry about that.
I have a little surprise.
Let's stay half an hour and
then we go back to the hotel.
That's a good plan.
Thank you.
Dad, come on.
This place is so sick.
Yeah, it's sick.
25 minutes.
That's it.
Hey! Just leave her alone.
Hey, oh, Ned. Ned.
Ned, would you look at that.
That's your face, sis.
Very good likeness.
Oh, thanks. Yeah.
The Stephy tattoo. I got it, like,
a week after we met, right?
One week. You know,
right on my heart.
Great. Okay, do you guys
want to go see the house?
We probably should...
We came to stop and say hey.
Yeah. We should go.
Actually, no.
No. Before we go, um...
I have a little surprise
for everybody.
I'm fucking nervous.
Do you want to
consult me about it?
You want to talk to me
before you...
You know what? No, I'm just
jumpin' in. All right?
I'm just going to do this.
Laird, it's going to be
fucking great.
Oh, my god.
I just got it done this morning
I bet it's red, huh?
I need a little feedback.
Is that our Christmas card?
Yeah! That's exactly what
I used. How'd you know?
Look, he even got
noodle in there.
Hurt like balls.
Gosh, it says "happy holidays"
and everything.
Get the fuck out of here.
It says "happy holidays?"
Barb, fuck you.
God damn.
I gave the guy
the Christmas card.
I didn't know he put
"happy holidays" on there.
Guess it's stuck on there, huh?
Well, you know,
you guys were coming over...
I was so excited, I just had
to do something, you know?
Well, that is something,
all right.
You know what? Sometimes, you
just got to say, "fuck it."
Fuck it!
You should...
this is a 15-year-old child.
So, we don't really...
Oh, shit.
- You don't say fuck?
- No, mom, I...
Heck yeah, I cuss.
No, you don't.
You do?
Oh, he cusses.
No, you don't.
Yeah, bro, what's your
favorite cuss word?
Oh, boy.
Don't egg him on like that.
What's your favorite?
- Uh...
- Hmm.
Titties? Titties.
Stop it. Stop that.
Titties? Classic.
Okay. We should be going.
Nice one. What else you got?
All right. That's enough.
Okay. Another good body part.
What else?
Dicking. Double dicking.
Double dicking.
Wait. Hold on.
Double dicking?
Are you happy?
That's a new one on me, bro.
What the fuck is that?
What the hell is that?
Is that like dick to dick?
Okay! Good night!
We're going to the hotel.
This kid is nasty
and I fucking like it.
All right, let's do the tour.
I'll show you around!
All right?
Just throw your shit anywhere.
You little double-dicker,
come on.
Throw your stuff anywhere.
By the way, I'm a huge fan.
I'm part of the online ape army.
You know, this is what I was trying
to tell you guys in the car.
This is okay here?
Do you want to
take your coat off?
Uh, no.
Nope. I'm fine.
Come on, guys.
All right,
so this here's the Kitch.
This is where we keep the food.
The dining room.
That's a sculpture
of a couple people fucking.
Painting of a fat squirrel.
And this one's called
"triple team,"
All right. This is the den.
These dudes are just
testing out video games.
Ned, Stephy says that you're
pretty serious about your bowling,
so I had
a couple lanes installed.
Oh, my god.
None of this was here?
You said you were fixing
a crack in the foundation.
Is that us?
Yeah, I got the images off
your league's Facebook page.
That's so insane.
Dad, look, he even got in
your signature "crotch chop."
Oh, yeah.
All right, this here is
where we develop a few apps
for the apple and
android platforms.
Hey, gang,
say hi to the Flemings.
Hey, guys.
Hey, what's up?
Wait, I don't understand.
Do your employees live here?
Uh, maybe some of them do.
I don't really know.
Gustav is actually
an amazing architect.
We designed this place together.
When did you go to machu picchu?
Hun, when did you put these up?
What the heck is that moose?
That's a Phillip Manfredi.
Great pick-up, Barb.
Stephy told me that you're this amazing
art and photography professor.
- That's awesome.
- Mmm-hmm.
I teach a couple of classes
at a local community college.
Don't be so modest, mom.
You're an amazing photographer.
Oh, that looks like
a real dead moose.
Well, that's exactly
what it is, Ned.
A dead moose
suspended in its own urine.
It's meant to symbolize the way
that our culture
has imprisoned our minds.
I got to tell you, Ned,
great art really
gets me aroused.
It's actually
a very strong aphrodisiac.
Not that you need any help getting
turned on by that gorgeous woman.
What? Your mom
is beautiful.
She is. She deserves
some props for that.
Well, I'll take a compliment
wherever I can get one.
Well, here's another one.
You got a bangin' bod, too.
All right.
Hey, what's going on, everyone?
Richard Blais, everybody.
This is the maestro
of molecular gastronomy.
Oh, my god.
That's that cute one
from top chef.
Oh, he's the one
who goes, "bam!"
No, that's Emeril.
He's a fucking dick, that guy.
Dickie Blais what's up?
Yeah, so laird thought it would be a
fun idea to do a pop-up restaurant
just in your honor tonight.
Did he?
And I have here
a little amuse-bouche.
So if anyone's looking for
a little pre-dinner snack,
you can head on up here.
Count me in,
'cause I'm famished.
All right.
There are so many surprises.
I know.
You're hungry, you've come
to the right place.
I've got surf and turf for you.
Steak and lobster.
Yum, yum.
My version of surf and turf,
edible soil and plankton foam.
Dig in.
Wow, can't wait for dinner.
Hey, so I think
it's going great, right?
I think they've already
accepted me.
I'm getting a little bit
of a different vibe.
Oh, really?
Like what?
Don't try so hard.
I'm not, what do you mean?
You put in a bowling alley
for my dad
and you got a tattoo of my
entire family on your back.
Was the tattoo too much?
Shit, I knew it.
Yeah, Gustav said
the same thing.
Okay, don't worry...
I won't get any more tattoos
of them while they're here.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, one more thing, stop
calling them motherfuckers
and talking about
how hot my mom is.
Well, she's sneaky sexy,
took me by surprise.
Dude, she is a MILF,
like a genuine MILF.
And if it wasn't your MILF,
she'd be a MIWF...
A mother I would fuck.
But I won't.
Of course.
Thank you.
All right, it's pretty.
You know...
It's a lot.
Yes! I mean, the moose...
And the language.
Come on!
A real moose!
And he's coming onto your mother.
That's not okay.
And the tattoo?
The tattoo! And how...
Oh, my. And you're...
You didn't like the mural
of you and Scotty
down in the new bowling alley?
The bowling alley
with the mural is...
And the bowling alley
is regulation.
That's quite nice
and that's very rare
to have something that nice.
And the Polish
that he used was quite...
It was good. But...
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
About everything, of course.
Honestly, I didn't know how to
explain him over the phone.
I just kept imagining...
Mom googling laird Mayhew
and you guys
jumping to conclusions
before you even got
a chance to know him.
Well, now we know him.
No, you don't.
You've been here for 15 minutes.
Thank you.
I wouldn't have asked you
to come out here
and miss Christmas in Michigan
for the first time ever,
if he wasn't...
really important to me.
You'll give him a chance?
Okay. Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So if I did Google him,
what would I find?
Don't do it.
Just don't Google him.
Well, I still don't see it.
Darling, this is the male,
and he's thrusting.
Oh, god.
All right, everybody,
dinner is served!
Scotty! Come on,
grab a stump.
Dad, you wanna
go there? Mom.
You sure you don't want
to take off your coat?
No. I'm good.
We do it family style here,
so everyone just dig in.
It's super Cas.
Okay, so we have three dishes
for this evening.
We have sous-vide geoduck.
We have mission-style
sea urchin burritos...
With edible paper.
Because you're a printer.
And last but not least...
We have smoked California bear.
Oh, shit!
Thanks, Blais.
- Bear?
- Mmm.
Yo, Scotty,
you see the Revenant?
No, I wanted to,
but my parents don't really
let me watch r-rated movies.
You're darn right we don't.
He's only 15.
You want some paper?
Yes, certainly. Thank you.
I don't know
what section that is.
Because that bear
fucked that dude up!
Now we're gonna
fuck this bear up.
Hey, what about that language?
Oh, shit. Sorry.
Ah, I think I've got
the arts section here.
You better slow down, Barb.
You're gonna be full
before you get to the funnies.
So, um, how did you two meet?
Uh, you want me to go?
Laird sponsored a talk on campus
with doctor Joanne Liu,
the head of
doctors without borders.
Melinda gates
got me totally pumped
about issues
in the developing world.
Now I'm obsessed.
- That's Bill Gates' wife.
- Yeah.
- She's great.
- Yeah.
That's terrific.
That's Steph's field of
interest, too, so that's great.
Yeah, I know.
Ned, you should've
seen her at the talk.
She asked the most intelligent
question. I was blown away.
Really? What did I say?
You were like...
"Hey, what's
the connection between
"women's health
and population density
"in indigenous communities?"
I was like,
"bam! Who's that?"
That's so sweet of you
to remember that.
Of course I remember. Mmm...
- The first time I saw you.
- That's our girl.
She's always been the smartest
person in the room.
So true.
And the sexiest. My god.
I couldn't keep my eyes off her.
Her hair, and her eyes.
Very pretty eyes.
The way her spine gently arches
to meet the top of her tailbone.
I just wanna pitch a tent and live
in there. You know what I mean?
You're taking it too far.
Quite the outdoors man.
I just mean
she's got a great body.
Oh, well, yes.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
She's a darling girl.
- Like you, Barb.
- Great genes.
Two fit women.
I'll have to
agree with you there.
Ol' slamming bod Barb.
Two fit women
and two lucky dudes...
And one double-dicker.
Okay, well.
Laird, when did you graduate
from Stanford?
Oh, I didn't go
to Stanford, bro.
I hardly even graduated
from high school.
He's being modest.
He actually started writing code
for sun micro systems
when he was 13.
That's true.
Wow, that's just like me.
I've been interning
at the Fleming company
since, what, the seventh grade?
Mm-hmm. Yup.
Future CEO,
but you are going to college.
I know, dad. I know. I know.
Just like your sister.
So, Steph,
weren't your surprised
that this big tech mogul
wanted to date you?
He said he was some
low-level programmer at Uber.
I had no idea that
he sponsored the entire event.
So he lied to you.
Oh, Ned, I had to.
I mean there are so many gold
diggers in silicon valley.
They just wanna fuck you
for your tech money.
Language, baby.
You gotta be careful.
I didn't spill the beans
till April.
April? That's
eight months ago. What?
Steph, over the phone, you said
you've only known each other
for a couple of months.
It was super casual at first.
No, it was not.
We exchanged I love you's
on the third date.
Remember? Right after we...
The third date?
Made love in the hot tub
at Esalen in big sur?
No, no, no.
Where, what?
Esalen in big sur.
Ned. Don't get
the wrong idea.
It was not sexual at all.
It was so much more than that.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
Did you have intercourse or not?
Scotty, shut it.
Dad, I'm just trying to
connect the dots here.
Look. Yeah, we did.
But what I'm saying is
I was transformed.
Stephy opened up like a flower.
You should have seen it.
I shouldn't have seen it,
but now I feel like I have.
I just want your parents to know
that you're living with someone
who's completely devoted to you.
Wait a minute.
What-ing with someone?
You say you're living together?
No. We do not.
Okay, five nights out of seven.
Your stuff is here.
You don't really
stay at the dorm.
Do you have a toothbrush here?
That's cohabitating.
Scotty, stop talking
and eat your paper.
Dad, we do not live together.
Yeah, we're cohabitating.
"Opened up like a flower."
Honey, I'm looking at
the Esalen website right now
and there's nothing
dirty about it.
You go up there for yoga
classes and things like that.
They've been practically
living together for a year.
Why didn't she
just tell us that?
Where the heck are the towels?
He's even affected Scotty.
What is a double dicking,
for crying out loud?
There she is.
Oh, my god.
Oh, yeah. She's gonna...
She better explain what
the heck is going on here.
All right, so be nice.
Be like, "oh, my god. I love
your boyfriend. He's so normal."
I'm good.
Hi, uh...
I thought you'd be Stephanie.
Steph's super pooped.
We had a big fight because of
the way I behaved at dinner.
Don't worry, we took a shower
together and worked it out.
But I snuck out
to have a little check in.
Okay. Well...
Ned, would you come join us?
I'm good here.
Oh, please.
This is an Alaskan king.
There's so much room.
So much room.
It'd really mean
a lot to me. Please?
I owe you two an apology.
When I get nervous
all kinds of crap comes
flying out of my mouth
and I know that's not
how you guys roll.
I was just trying
to make a good impression.
Yeah. Well, you did.
It was...
I mean you didn't,
but it's okay.
It was an awkward dinner.
It was a unique situation for...
Yeah, but let's all
just move on.
Okay. Great.
Truth be told,
I haven't spent a lot of time
with parental figures.
I don't know if you know this,
but I never knew my father.
Yeah, he picked up my mom
in this bar in Oakland.
They had some sloppy car sex,
and then never spoke again.
I'm not really close
with my mom, either.
To be frank, she's kind of
a motherfucking bitch.
If I had a nickel
for every time I...
We're sorry to hear that.
That's some tough stuff, pal.
Yup. That's...
All right. Well,
it's getting late, so...
I'm in love
with your daughter, dudes.
And I'm just so fucking psyched
to get to know
the people that raised her.
And we're gonna do Christmas
just like you do at home.
Tomorrow night,
I'm gonna throw a party
in your honor.
Oh, you don't have to
go to the trouble.
You don't... it's not.
We're gonna do
all the holiday shit.
Okay. Hmm.
All the shit.
Ned, I'd love some
guy time with you.
So maybe we could take a walk
tomorrow morning?
Okay, cool.
Justine, will you set Ned
an alarm for 6:30 A.M.?
You got it, laird.
Ned, an alarm's been set for
you for 6:30 en la manana.
What? Who is that?
That's Justine.
Yeah, she's like Siri,
but awesome.
I got that chick from
the big bang theory,
Kaley Cuoco, to do the voice.
J, say hi.
Hey, Ned. Hey, Barb.
How are you guys?
- Hi.
- Oh, my god.
Stephanie's told me
so much about you.
Anything you need, I'm here.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
She can't...
Can she see us?
She says that she can't,
but I think that she can.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
You know I can't see them.
She's a perv.
Anyway, I hope you two have
a nice night's rest.
Yeah, have a good night.
Great night.
Have a great night.
My instinct is to
hug you right now.
- Oh. No.
- I don't think you...
That's okay.
Oh, my god.
Good night.
Barb? There's
no toilet paper.
Would you get
a roll for me, please?
Papa make a poopie?
Yes. I made a poopie.
Did daddy do a doo-doo?
Barb, just get
the toilet paper, please?
All right.
Well, you sit tight.
I'm gonna go find you some TP.
Thank you.
Of course.
Mr. playboy.
Who is that?
She's a bit of a plain Jane.
Yeah. Yup.
Just, um, crack the door
and toss the roll, please.
It's gonna be a little
more complicated than that.
Good morning, Ned.
It's Gustav.
As I've already told Barb,
we are a paperless household.
Paperless? What?
It's a paperless house, darling.
I got that.
But how am I supposed to
complete my business?
Well, all Japanese toilets
have a very effective
and pleasant cleaning spray.
And I will be very happy
to walk you through the entire process.
Oh, god.
Ned, please locate the
control panel to your left.
Okay, I see it.
Now on that
control panel is a button
that shows an image
of water spraying up.
Okay. And I just push it?
Just press it, yes.
Was that Cologne?
Cologne? Oh, yes!
That is a designer-scented
talcum powder.
But that button should
not have activated that.
Ned, that is what is called big
pony for men by the Ralph Lauren.
I'm excited to try.
Can we please just continue?
All right.
I would like to apologize
sincerely again.
This is the 2018 model
that you are on right now,
so they have not yet made
an instruction manual
in English yet.
So I'm going to take care
of this on my end, all right?
So Ned, you focus on
your end in there
and I will focus
on your end out here.
That's too good.
This is it.
This should do it, Ned.
Okay. Something's whirring.
Something's spinning around
in there.
No! Turn it off!
Turn it off!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Oh, Scheisse!
We are having some
technical difficulties.
That was the vaginal cleanse.
The what cleanse?
I just want a square
of toilet paper.
The vaginal cleanse.
Which I hear is refreshing
and apparently
also very stimulating.
Just saying.
I'm so sorry, Ned...
But I'm going to have to manually
reboot the system from the inside.
In here?
I am so sorry.
Why not?
Barb, would you
close the door? Sorry.
It's gonna be great.
Ned, I am blinders.
I see nothing.
I smell nothing.
The print is very small.
Okay, forgive me.
I can't see the instructions.
All right.
What do we have here?
I had some
stomach problems last night.
I think it was the bear.
I can guarantee you,
it was the bear.
Turning on the fan.
Great. Wunderbar.
How'd it go?
I am so sorry
that it took so long.
Ned, I'm going to need you
to be completely still
while we try to
lock in your location.
I'm sitting on a toilet,
that's pretty still.
searching, und searching.
And we have target achieved!
And sploosh!
There you go, girls.
You raise chickens?
All free-range.
Cows, too.
Pigs, artisanal llamas.
Everything you eat here
comes from within
a 500-yard radius.
I call it
"lawn to table eating."
There she is.
Hey, Daisy.
Go on, get.
So glad we're doing this, Ned.
I feel like I know you after everything
that Steph's told me about you,
but still not the same...
Do you submit?
Fuck you!
Ned, stay away!
You wanna fight?
Tap out!
You want to tap out.
Okay, okay! Fine!
Nice work!
And your reactions
are getting quicker.
I am so sorry, Ned. I just
didn't want you to get hurt.
Wait, so you just do
this pink panther thing?
Pink panther?
Pink panther?
The pink panther
from the pink panther movies.
When Cato attacks inspector
Clouseau to keep him sharp.
Are those really old?
I never heard of it.
I'm not familiar, either,
but it sounds
absolutely charming.
Pink panther.
The movies?
Cato is his assistant,
his houseboy.
Well, it's...
That sounds racist.
He did call him "my little
yellow friend." But...
I'm sorry, you have to
understand, Ned.
Laird is the CEO
of a massive tech company.
I don't like bodyguards around
so I have goose train me in case
I get kidnapped or whatever.
By the way, your CHUN kuk do
moves were very solid.
But what happened to
the evasive parkour?
Ah, evasive parkour.
I totally fucking spaced!
There's always room to improve.
All right.
Thanks, man.
You got it, brother.
All right, ciao for now,
you friends.
And you guys have a lovely chat.
Ned, come on. I wanna
show you my office.
You know, that's like
classic pink panther.
This is where you work, huh?
I have a den in the house
where I do the financial stuff
but this is where
all the big ideas happen.
Don't you need a computer and...
Nah. My girl Justine
records everything.
Right, j?
- Yep, I'm here.
- Hey, Ned.
Hey, why don't you play back a
blip from yesterday's session?
All right, hold on. Fuck. There's
so much shit up here in your cloud.
Okay, okay got it.
Come on, idiot, think.
Names for games. Um...
Ape assassins six:
Capuchin chaos.
Uh, silverback salsa.
Baboon Bukkake.
Fuck! Wow, that's awful!
Bad idea.
Why? Why's that?
What does that mean?
Oh, um...
Just means a lot of
things are happening
and you're feeling overwhelmed.
I've felt Bukkake before.
Grab a seat. Make yourself
comf. Let's break it down.
Just pop down
right here on the floor.
There you go.
Ned, I think you and
I have so much in common.
We see something we want
and we just dive in
and we take it.
Know what I mean?
Which is why...
on Christmas day...
I'm going to ask Stephy
to marry me.
And I know
how tight you two are.
So I'd really, really
like your blessing.
Uh, laird.
Really appreciate
you coming to me.
But, uh, the answer's no.
Dude, I'm so confused.
What the fuck?
What the hell?
This went so much differently
when I rehearsed it with Gustav.
Yeah. I asked you
and you were like,
"yeah, dude. My son."
Laird. Listen to me, okay.
Beside the fact that I don't know
you from a hole in the wall...
Stephanie is just not ready
for this step in her life.
Oh, I'm totally getting
the signals that she is.
I'm her father,
I know her pretty well.
Okay, all right.
All right, Ned...
Dude, I know
I sprung this on you.
My bad. Okay?
Let's just back it up.
All right?
All right.
Why don't you give me a few
days to win you over, okay?
And by Christmas morning...
I promise, you're going to be
calling me "son."
I'm gonna be calling you "dad".
Don't think
that's going to happen.
I think it's gonna, dad.
Dad, come on.
Don't call me "dad."
Don't call you "dad"?
I'm not your dad.
I mean, you're gonna be my dad.
No. No.
What, dad?
Okay, now you're
playing with me.
All right. Dad.
Look, laird.
Why do you even care
about what I think?
You're Stephanie's father.
I'm not gonna ask Stephanie to marry
me unless I have your blessing.
Justine, did you get that?
Yeah, recorded every word.
Totes. And totes is what?
It means totally. But totally's kind
of long, so "totes" is just easier.
Okay. Good.
All right, cool.
But you gotta promise me
that you won't tell Steph
anything about this.
About any of this.
Trust me, that is the last
thing in the world I will do.
For reals, dude.
I want it to be a surprise.
No word. I won't say a word.
Barb and Scotty, too.
No clowning.
No clowning.
I'd just feel a lot better
about this if we pinky swore.
I see what you mean.
Go get breakfast.
Sup, guys?
- Hey, boss.
- Mayhew!
The fuck?
Come with me immediately.
The hell is this room?
Randy, get the fuck out.
Yes, sir, Gustav.
I am on the needles und pins.
I need you to tell me
how it went right now
or I'm going to burst.
He said no!
What? Okay, okay.
But how did you respond?
I was blindsided, man.
I didn't know what to do.
I challenged him.
I started calling him dad.
Oy vey.
The fuck, man!
Why would you call him dad?
You're putting him at unease!
You have to find a way in.
You have to do something
for him that's truly special
so that he knows
that your intentions are pure.
Dude, goose, I don't know
how to talk to the guy.
It's like we speak two different
languages or something.
You do.
He speaks English.
And you speak English with
resounding amounts of "fuck."
All right, Stephanie's been
on my case, too.
I got it.
All right?
All right, man.
You just fucking really
hit me really hard.
I know. I am sorry.
It's just, laird...
your relationship
with miss Stephanie
is very special.
It's the real deal.
Goose, I know I pay you
a shit-ton of money,
but you're my best friend.
Our friendship is priceless.
Hey. Thanks, brother.
Okay. Ow! Mercy. Mercy.
Bro, you're incredible.
That was very imaginative
how you took that tender moment
and used it
as your pivot to attack.
Very good.
What's up, cheese?
I'm about to go to
the football game.
Lions, baby!
Great. How's business?
Tell me something good.
Oh, uh...
I talked to my guy
over at dick's sporting goods.
Don't tell me
they're going with China, too.
Freaking online banner ads.
No. Damn it.
All right, listen.
I'm gonna call Don Millis at
Subaru of Southern Michigan.
I heard a little rumor that they might
be looking for a new dance partner.
Yeah, don, the big guy, right?
You guys go back
to your car selling days.
Yeah. It's worth a shot.
I need you to go in
and pull his card
from my Rolodex
while I look for a pen.
You got it, cheese.
No, you got it.
So how goes it in Cali?
It feels like we've landed
in the twilight zone.
Did you find the card?
Yeah. I got it right here.
Just hang on.
I have nothing
to write with here.
This whole house is paperless.
Well, how do you wipe your ass?
You don't.
They have these Japanese
toilets that...
It's one of those little
squat jobs, little squatter.
No. Just... never mind.
Just give me the number.
Hey, Ned, I'm here.
I can take it down for you.
Justine, please just...
I'm fine.
Just go away.
All right,
I'm just trying to help.
You don't have to be
such a dick.
Whoa, whoa.
Cheese, who is that?
She's got a foul little mouth.
Is that the kid's secretary
you fighting with?
No, no, no. That's the woman
who lives in the ceiling.
Cheese, what she look like?
The woman who lives...
You say she lives
in the ceiling?
She's a disembodied
voice that...
Never mind.
I'll explain later.
The voice sounds sexy.
Are they using somebody famous?
I wouldn't say too famous.
You know,
million dollars a week,
biggest show in the world,
no big deal.
She can hear me?
Of course I can hear you.
How you doin', baby?
Better now
that I'm talking with you.
Just give me the number.
I'm calling him now.
Let's catch some waves.
- Tsunami.
- That guy's cool.
Yeah, goose is the best.
Laird, I'm gonna be
honest with you, buddy.
Gorillas in board shorts
is a fun touch.
I'll give you that.
But when the only mission
is to get to shore,
I'm not feeling
enough drama there.
You know?
You know what?
You're so fucking right.
We've been developing this
limp dick for months.
You come and
you play it for five minutes,
you know exactly
what's wrong with it.
You're a sharp little fucker.
You know that?
Thank you.
I mean, for real, man.
I appreciate it.
It's just nice
to be listened to.
What do you mean?
I'm gonna be running
my dad's business one day.
But he won't even listen to any
of my ideas about innovation.
You're next gen, dude.
It's where all the new seeds come from.
Everyone knows that.
And I told him that.
I was like...
"Dad, if you're gonna unleash
me to my full potentsh...
"I need a seat
at the table."
He just won't listen to me.
Um... get that seat!
I will get that seat.
Gotta get that seat, Scotty.
That's my seat.
Nobody else touch it.
Where is that seat?
It's at the fucking table.
And I'm gonna
get that seat at that table.
You deserve
a fucking throne, dawg.
Yeah, the iron throne.
Iron throne.
Iron throne.
Game of thrones over here!
I'm breathing fire and grabbing
titties left and right.
Fucking king Joffrey up in this.
Those are my titties!
You're the next in line.
That's me.
My man.
Oh, god.
They're paying
your student loans.
They're paying
your student loans.
Stamp free invites.
Oh, man.
Ho, ho, ho!
Is that a horse?
That is a llama.
Oh, a llama.
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, girl.
We don't have those in...
There you are.
This is insane!
Oh, you working on the books?
Uh, yeah, you know.
Just the little stuff.
I was thinking about
laird's Christmas party.
Gustav gave me a preview
of the guest list.
And, dad, it is a veritable
"who's who"
of silicon valley power players.
Tyson Modell is coming!
Wait, who is he?
He's the kid
who founded ghostchat.
Oh, right.
He turned down three billion
dollars from Facebook,
and he's only 24 years old.
I'm gonna broker a sit-down
between you two.
Dad, thank you for telling me
to pack a blazer.
Now, should I throw on a tie or
should I keep it business casual?
Scotty, just listen to me,
all right?
Most of these Internet companies
are built on smoke and mirrors.
Don't get sucked in.
That whole industry
is based on hooey.
I'm gonna drop
some knowledge on you.
Times are changing, pops.
And not everything you think
is hooey is hooey.
Wow. That's profound.
And you...
Hooey-Meister himself.
You're nothing but an octopus.
An octopus.
Merry fuckin' Christmas
what are you pouring?
We are doing a deconstructed
eggnog tonight.
Eggnog. Yes. Thank you.
Where you from, boss?
Oh, Michigan.
You in the car business?
Uh, no. Printing.
Ned Fleming.
Elon musk.
Elon musk?
Tesla, Elon musk?
How do you know laird?
He's dating my daughter.
Nice talking to you.
Oh, hey! Hi, honey!
Could I get a glass
of white wine, please?
Ooh, hiya, handsome.
You look great.
Oh, come on.
No, you do.
Thank you.
I'm just getting in
the holiday spirit.
So what were you talking to
laird about for so long?
I got the entire
Mayhew family saga.
Oh, god. I'm sorry.
No, no, turns out it was
pretty interesting actually.
His mother was a secretary at
one of these tech companies.
Can I interest you
in a Kobe beef slider?
Ooh, yum.
Real food?
Yes, I'm starving.
Wait, what?
Oh, god.
Ma'am? Kobe squirt?
No, thanks.
Thank you.
It's actually pretty tasty.
Anyway, she saw all these young
programmers getting rich.
So she basically forced laird
to spend his entire childhood
inside, learning computers.
I think that's
kind of sad, right?
He ate it.
He's an octopus.
That kid is
wrapping his tentacles
around every member
of this family.
He's manipulating you.
Darling, we need to bring this
down a notch.
Okay? You think you're
at war with laird.
But he's not fighting.
It's just you.
Come on,
let's go meet his friends.
They look darling.
Oh, god.
Totally tanked porting the
thin-client apps for the JDK build.
The fuck? So you had to
rewrite all the code?
Mm-hmm. By myself.
But did you do it?
Oh, you know I did!
Hey, there they are!
Looking like a babe.
Look who's looking sharp.
Tyson, these are Stephanie's parents, Mr.
And Mrs. Fleming.
Oh, no. Barb and Ned, please.
So it was fucked up, man.
It took me two weeks
on the j2ee database...
Trying to get the interface
to react with the server...
So I can get the containers
up and running again.
I'm sorry.
Tyson, what's a j2ee?
Java 2 platform
enterprise edition.
Do you not write code?
This guy's the worst.
I'm actually more of a personal
relations kind of guy.
Like account management, client services.
That kind of stuff.
Dude, this kid is
fucking awesome.
Yes, Ned is grooming Scotty to
take over our family business.
That's right.
We own a printing business
in Michigan.
I'm sure you're familiar
with those two siblings
over there
since you're
in the printing business.
Yo, brother-sister act!
You gotta meet this guy.
Hey! Blaine
and Missy Pederman.
Hi, I'm Barb Fleming.
This is my husband.
I'm Scott Fleming.
Nice to meet you.
I'm sorry, we were told
we might know you,
but I'm afraid we don't.
Blaine and Missy started
stamp free invites.
Oh, okay.
What's up?
Did the server forget
to send a reminder
for your birthday party
or something?
No, he is actually
in the printing business.
Oh, shit.
No, no.
We didn't put you
out of business or anything?
What? Ruin our business?
No, no.
We're doing quite well.
Thank you.
Oh, that's great!
Good for you!
Honestly, good for you.
We love little
mom-and-pop printers.
So inspirational. So important.
My dad has more of a factory.
Not to brag,
but we're a pretty big shop.
People need paper. They need
something to write on.
They love the feel of that
card stock in their hands.
I've never heard
anyone say that.
Hmm. We have not
found that at all.
Yeah. Nope.
I think we come from
two different worlds.
Yes, we do.
You better start learning code
pretty fucking fast, dude.
Dude, Ned was crushing it
since before you two were fighting
over your mother's titties.
Our mom didn't breastfeed us.
Laird, you know
we had a wet nurse.
Oh, I can tell.
Boy, I'll tell you,
I don't know what's going on.
I'm lost.
I'm overwhelmed.
Yeah! Me, too.
There's Bukkake
floating all around me.
What's Bukkake?
Oh, laird told me.
It means when you're overwhelmed
and you got too much going on.
Oh, my gosh.
Can't figure things out.
Then, I'm drowning in Bukkake
at this point.
Okay, I'm gonna be
real with you guys.
It means jizz on your face.
I'm sorry?
Bukkake means covered in jizz.
Tons of jizz, ejaculate.
Usually after a gangbang.
Not as bad as it sounds.
Or during. Depends
if someone finishes early.
What the heck?
I was trying to
protect you, dude.
- Protect me?
- Fucking Justine.
You mean embarrass me?
It was a really
sensitive conversation.
I didn't want to start talking
about guys jerking off
on each other.
Why'd you tell me
it was overwhelming?
Justine brought it up!
I hope this is an opportune
time to show a video.
It's not.
- Oh, god!
- Yeah.
Oh, and this
is a teaching moment.
- Here's another.
- Oh, my god.
- No. Scotty.
- Don't look at that.
It's all good.
You don't have to see this.
Is that you?
Oh, my god.
Are you okay?
Come on, daddy.
You're okay!
Okay, I just need to
take a breather. One...
I love this kid.
Oh, my god!
DDT your ass.
I love you, dawg.
Hi, pops.
I just need some fresh air.
Can I come?
We've always been straight
with each other, haven't we?
Yeah, of course.
Okay, I need to
ask you a question.
And I mean this honestly.
Okay. What?
You're scaring me.
No. It's just...
Why laird?
I mean, come on.
Oh, my god.
You are so smart
and you're beautiful.
You could be dating anyone.
I don't get it.
You want the truth?
He kind of reminds me of you.
Okay, I need you
to explain that one.
You're both the most honest
and authentic men that I know.
It comes out
in totally different ways.
Oh, well...
Laird has literally no filter.
I don't know that to be true.
Is that right?
Trying to help you out here.
But I swear his heart
is always in the right place.
He's a very good guy.
And I love him.
You love him?
I'm processing.
We had the...
Very funny, dad.
Okay. Okay.
Just try to be cordial.
I will. I'll try.
Okay? I'll try.
Try to what?
I'll try to just...
understand that person better.
Come here.
Long night.
What are you doing?
Just chilling.
Barb, is that my shirt?
I don't know, is it?
Want me to take it off?
Would you, please? I only
brought two dress shirts.
I really don't feel like ironing
while I'm on this trip.
I'm so exhausted.
Oh, yeah.
Take it off, baby.
Yeah! Take it off.
Take off those shoes, girl.
Let me see those feet.
I wanna see those feet!
Did you hit your head
or something?
Yeah. Let me
smell that shoe.
You don't wanna smell my shoe.
Yeah, I want feet!
I want those feet
out of those socks.
Barb, what happened to you?
I am so stoned right now.
Yeah, I am so baked.
I am like super baked.
Barb. What?
Where did you?
I was very lonely
after you guys left.
And I saw this guy,
and he had a cigarette.
I thought it was one of those
electronic cigarettes.
They're called e-cigs.
But turns out...
I was vaping.
I was vaping.
What is that?
It's marijuana that comes
out of some kind of machine.
Keep your voice down!
Ned, it's legal.
Oh, this poor boy
had it for sleep apnea.
At his age? So sad.
I'm going to bed. That's it.
No, no, no. Wait!
- Barbara, I'm tired.
- Wait a minute.
And I've got a headache.
Let's play a little bit, huh?
No, no.
I'll give you
one of my patented massages.
Let's take the little cheese
out for a spin.
No, no, no.
Come on, let me just see him.
I just want to see him.
Don't call him that.
Please. Come on.
Oh, my god!
You used to love getting high
and fooling around.
What? Barb! No, Barb.
We're on vacation!
But someone could walk...
There's no locks on the door!
Justine! Do you have any kiss?
Oh, hell yeah!
Are you kids gonna do it?
We're doing it already.
We're doing it right now.
I'm doing it with my feet.
One foot.
That's kiss!
Honey, you love kiss!
But not right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look what I learned
at the party.
There was this real cute girl,
and she was going like this.
She was doing this cute,
new dance.
You're gonna
throw your back out.
I'm not gonna throw my...
I'll throw you out.
Let me get on you.
Wait, do you smell that?
I'm putting him in.
What is that scent?
There. Oh, it's in.
What is that?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
Is that Indian summer
by Priscilla Presley?
I used to wear
that perfume in the 90s.
Yup, pumping some in.
I saw you mentioned it on your
college reunion's Facebook page.
I know what you like, Ned.
Oh, I know you do, dawg.
Yeah, get in there. Get it!
Get you some!
Get it! Good. Oh, that's...
Yeah. You're almost in there.
No, you're, like,
six inches away from it.
Get in there.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Oh! Yeah!
That's good.
Oh, that's good.
You're getting into it now.
- That's it!
- No!
No, no! Take me! Yes! Take me!
I'm not...
Take me.
I'm taking you right to bed.
That's what I'm doing.
Here you go. Yes.
No, I wanna do sex.
We are not gonna do sex.
No, honey.
But I want to.
Justine, turn all the music
off please...
I wanna do it.
And leave us alone
for the rest of the night.
It's gonna be full penetration!
Would you stop!
Psst... hey, girl.
Fifth button from the right.
You'll thank me later.
Mama, won't you please let me
There we go, girls.
Okay. You all right?
Yeah. Oh, man.
That's it.
Dude, I thought
I was gonna make it.
I know. You almost did, but...
Very good evasive parkour.
Yes, but the last move
you ate shit.
I know.
I'll put you on the table later
and we'll do
a little adjustment.
Christmas tree shopping
with the big cheese.
Ned, you don't know
how excited I am about this.
I don't know
if I ever mentioned this,
but I never had a father
to do this kind of stuff with.
I'm glad we're getting
a chance to hang out.
That's nice.
Uh, it's not getting me hard.
You need an erection
to buy a Christmas tree?
I wanna get to know you better.
I mean, you're so perfect.
Seriously, did you always
have your shit together?
Oh, heck no.
I got fired selling Datsuns.
How'd you fuck up
selling little dogs?
No. Datsuns.
What's that?
It's a car. Doesn't matter.
It doesn't exist anymore.
But you're still here.
You ever get nervous
about shifting tides?
Well, you know, every business
has its ups and downs.
Yeah, I know it, bro.
Guerrilla gang, it's been
struggling a little bit.
Yeah, it's just a fucking
tough landscape, dude.
What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.
Chills. Did you
come up with that?
No, laird.
Whoa, whoa.
There she blows, Ned.
It's our motherfucking tree.
Why not? It'll look great
opposite your moose.
Ned, Ned. Not that one.
That one.
Oh, no. See, laird...
That doesn't belong to this lot.
See, it's owned by...
Wet games?
WEWT games.
Like, 'woot-woot'.
I know those dudes.
They're dicks.
Tried to rip off ape assassins.
Plus, it's the first Christmas
with the family, dude.
Gotta do it right.
Hey, buddy.
Can I borrow that chainsaw?
Are you serious?
Come on.
Will you hurry up?
I'm trying.
Come on, guy.
I need my chainsaw back.
Just give me a second.
Should we call an ambulance now,
or wait till he loses a finger?
Can I borrow those?
Have at it.
Okay. Laird just...
Hand it over?
You sure, Ned?
Total fucking dad move!
Oh, shit!
Love kiss!
Kiss, baby!
These guys are awesome!
Stephanie and I do karaoke
to kiss all the time.
Dude, I know,
that's why I put it on!
And we do
a pretty good job, too,
if I might say so.
Oh, man.
That's cute.
Listen, laird,
I've been thinking about
our teepee talk yesterday.
Oh, dude, me too.
I've got so many ideas
for the proposal.
No. Ned, hear me out.
I was thinking about
getting the Goodyear blimp,
releasing a thousand doves.
No. Wait.
Laird, just hold on
a second, okay?
Slow down.
Look, I get it that Stephanie
really likes you.
Look. Man to man.
Now is not the time.
Dude, Ned, I thought we were
getting past all that.
No, it's not me.
It's all about Stephanie.
I don't know, dude.
These last few semesters
are gonna be so intense.
And then there's graduation,
and she'll be looking for a job.
And who knows
where that will take her.
It's just...
All right, Ned...
I wasn't supposed to
tell you this,
but I just wanna
put your mind at ease.
Stephanie is not going back
to school next semester.
Dude, I know you're probably
shocked, but do not worry.
She's already
got this awesome job
lined up
at this non-profit.
What organization
is that exactly?
She's going to be president of
the laird Mayhew foundation.
That's me.
Everybody upstairs right now,
family meeting!
Ned, would you like
me to schedule a meeting?
Oh, fuck off!
Just trying to help.
You don't always have to be
such an asshole.
Yes, I do!
You are so dead.
Shut up. Of course
I was going to tell you.
I told mom yesterday
at the mall.
I was just waiting for
the right time to bring it up
and that hasn't happened.
Wait a minute.
You knew?
Honestly, honey, we thought
you might freak out.
So we decided to wait until
after Christmas to bring it up.
But, okay, he told you
about the foundation, right?
Yes, okay.
This is a big part of
why I wanted you
to come out here and meet laird.
Stephanie, even if he wasn't
this abject lunatic,
which he is,
I still wouldn't understand why.
You've only got
a few semesters left
before you graduate.
Why would you
just throw that away?
I'm not throwing
anything away, dad.
The year I spent
in central America
doing this kind of work,
I know you think that I'm
making some rash decision
and I'm not.
We've spent months
figuring it out.
All the months
where you didn't even tell us
you had a boyfriend.
All those months?
I think you should hear her out
because it actually sounds
very interesting.
Does it?
Are you willing to listen to me?
Give it your best shot.
The plan is to focus
on women's health
as a function of environmental
change in the third world.
All right.
And when all that
goes belly-up,
you know what you're left with?
Being a college dropout.
That's it.
You don't get it.
Oh, I don't get it?
No, you just, like,
don't get it at all.
Oh. What is that?
It's a tattoo.
With his name?
You got a tattoo?
You've marked your body
with his name on it.
Look at that, Barb!
Oh, no.
That is so cute.
Let me see.
I wanna see.
Laird's been telling me
I should get a neck tat.
I see what laird is doing here.
I see what he's doing.
He is trying to put his
imprint on this entire family.
And that is why we've got
all these secrets now.
And it's all because of him!
Why do you have such
a big problem with laird?
Great question. You know why?
Because of his influence,
you drop out of college.
Because of his influence,
you get a "too."
Dad, I think you mean "tat."
You definitely mean "tat."
I mean "tat?"
It's not a "too?"
"Tat." No, it's not a "too."
No, I saw it on Geraldo.
They call them "toos," okay?
This is what's going to be
your downward spiral.
First you get a tattoo,
then you start vaporizing.
- What?
- You're vaporizing.
What are you talking about?
When you have...
It's an e-cigarette.
But instead of tobacco
or a fake tobacco,
no, you have marijuana
in that e-cigarette.
Dad, I know what it is.
How do you know what it is?
Because I've been around.
Haven't I?
Then you go
from there to heroin.
Mm-hmm, that's right.
After that, after you
get hooked on drugs,
you know what happens next?
You'll become a hooker,
a prostitute...
A pimp's bitch.
That's what's
going to happen to you.
I see it very clearly.
Oh, my...
How long do I have?
I'm glad you asked.
Not long.
You keep going down this path,
at this rate, not long.
You're clearly not in a place
to listen to me right now.
So I'm gonna go.
Thank you, pops,
for the guidance.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Boss, let me get this straight.
You want me to hack into
Stephanie's boyfriend's computer
and find out
if there's any record
of him starting a foundation?
Yes, I do.
Listen, Kevin,
you are my it guy.
I've got nowhere else to turn.
You know I've always thought
so highly of Stephanie.
Yeah, she thinks
a lot about you.
Really? Oh, yeah.
That's so crazy.
Now, listen.
I know that this character
has money,
but there's something about
this whole foundation
that sounds like
a bunch of hooey.
If this guy's running hooey,
then I'm gonna find out.
Okay, first thing's first, Ned,
you have to break into
his computer
and download a program
that I'm gonna send you.
That's hacking?
I took a shower,
washing every body part...
Yeah, okay.
I'm getting online.
Kevin, what are you doing?
Huh, baby?
Oh, I'm helping Ned
with something it-related.
Oh, tell Ned I said hi.
All right, webcam's on.
Okay, I'm in the office.
All right, now get
in front of the computer.
All right, good.
Press the spacebar.
Oh, darn.
It's asking for a password.
No surprise.
A lot of guys have passwords related
to their girlfriends or their wives.
Kevin, you're a genius.
That's what I have!
It's "barbsguy1989."
The year we were married.
The younger generation tends
to go a little bit racier.
I'm gonna get into some
sensitive areas here,
so just bear with me.
We need to focus on Stephanie's
more defining qualities
that this guy might latch onto.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Would you just get to it?
For example, like,
would you say...
Stephanie has perky breasts?
I would say yes,
because she does.
Please try "Stephanie's boobs"
one word, no caps.
I'm her dad!
I understand that
you're her dad,
but you gotta think like him.
We're gonna have to
kick it up a notch.
You said that this guy was edgy?
Please try
"Stephanie's tight ass."
Give that a whirl.
Are you messing with me, dingle?
I wish I was messing with you.
I'm trying to help you, Ned.
Make the two "s's"
dollar signs in "ass."
I am going straight to hell
just for typing this.
Tight ass.
Hey, guys?
Do you wanna raise the volume
on the movie?
Okay. I'm just gonna list
some off, you type them in.
All right,
try "Stephanie's sweet slit."
I am not writing that!
"Stephanie's pink canoe."
Listen, this isn't fun for me.
Oh, my god.
What is it?
It's the password!
The one piece of paper
in the entire house.
What does it say?
I'm gonna log it in.
"Stephanie's dude."
Aw, that's actually sweet.
Boom! We're in.
Oh, gosh!
What? What is it?
It's a nude photograph
of Stephanie.
May I see it, please?
May I please see it?
I said no!
Go to your earthlink account
in the web browser.
Earthlink, earthlink, okay.
I give it my password.
I just emailed you a file.
Download that and
open it on his desktop.
Ned, we're gonna fucking nail this guy!
We're good!
We're hacking, baby!
We're gonna nail him.
We're gonna nail him the way
he's been nailing Stephanie.
Just come with me right now.
Why are you
taking me to my office?
Everyone's downstairs.
Oh, shit! Someone's coming!
Okay. Escape!
Oh, god!
Baby, what are we doing?
Christmas Eve is about to start.
What is the matter with you?
What's happening?
I specifically told you...
Don't say anything.
That I wanted to be the one to
tell my dad about Stanford.
I know. We were just...
Then why did you do it?
We were bonding so hard,
it just sort of slipped out.
You clearly have no idea
what this means to him.
He was so proud of me
when I got into Stanford.
He worked so hard
to make it happen.
Me dropping out is like
a huge slap in his face.
I just never had anyone
like him in my life before.
Oh, my god!
I thought we could
just talk it out.
You could see how that's not
your place to do that, right?
Okay. Maybe not.
Definitely not.
Okay, you're right.
He was super pissed.
Sometimes I feel like
you're not capable
of being in a relationship.
It's time that you get a handle
on these father issues.
That's the truth.
When you call me on my shit...
My god! It makes me
feel so close to you.
Your honesty has
such an effect on me.
You're making me so
fucking horny right now.
- What?
- Yeah.
That face is boner-bait.
Can you not see
that I'm mad at you?
Yeah, I see it.
That's what's...
Oh, my god.
You're driving me crazy!
You're not listening to me.
I'm listening.
I'm sorry.
Do you...
You need therapy.
Not working.
Mm-mm. Not today, buddy.
Okay. How about this?
Is this working?
A little bit.
Okay, how about this?
Okay. That's working
a little bit more.
Laird, I love you.
But I'm still mad at you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, no!
I'm gonna make it up to you.
What is happening?
You just lie back, and I'll give
you an early Christmas present.
You are such a freak.
I know.
Here comes Santa.
Oh, really?
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, my god.
Merry Christmas.
Somebody's been
naughty this year.
Ned. Are you there? Hello?
Yes. Kevin, I'm here.
What's happening?
I'm in.
Do you have access
to the Internet?
Yes, I do. Hold on.
Wait a second.
Log into your earthlink account.
Okay. Got it.
I'm gonna send these
to you right now.
You're done, Mayhew.
What the fuck?
What happened?
Oh, my god.
Wait, what?
What's going on?
I don't know. He has my face.
What do you mean
he has your face?
I'm locked out.
I can't use my computer anymore.
Stop that!
What's happening?
He's onto us, Ned.
What are you doing?
We have to abort.
Oh, god. Oh, no.
Oh, fuck!
He's a mythical creature, Ned.
He's what?
What the fuck? Oh, god.
He's pulling out his penis!
Oh, my god.
He's balls deep
in my digital butt.
Are you watching porn?
Turn that off!
Ned, he's doing it!
Marnie, it's not good!
Stay the fuck out!
Turn that off!
He has control of the house!
Come here!
Kevin, what is happening?
We gotta get out of here!
Go, go, go!
- What?
- Kevin!
Oh, my...
You know what?
Let's not fight.
I'm sorry, truly, that you found
out about Stanford that way.
Thank you.
It was not okay of laird,
and he knows that now.
But I'm confident
this is a really good idea.
Honey, before you continue,
I need to tell you something.
Laird has been lying to you.
I tried.
No, no, no. Hey!
It's unbelievable!
He is in serious
financial trouble.
In what way?
It's Christmas.
Ned, you're making a mistake.
He doesn't have enough money
to finance his business,
let alone a foundation.
What exactly
makes you think that?
Wait till you see this.
What's this?
Look at this,
his own bank records.
All in red.
Is this for real?
Yeah, it's true.
Guerrilla gang hasn't crushed
one in a couple of years.
So you lied to me?
I'm dropping out of school
to start a foundation that
you're supposed to be financing.
Baby, the foundation
is all good.
What are you talking about?
Ned, there has been
a very big misunderstanding.
These are only
laird's business holdings.
On the personal side...
I have put together a moderate,
conservative private
equity sleeve
that has been
performing delightfully.
You could say that again.
So you followed
the Buffett rule?
Always, dude.
70/30, stocks to bonds.
Your little hacker, dingle...
Was worming down the wrong hole.
- Does he mean Kevin dingle?
- Probably.
No, must be another dingle.
Only dingle I know of
is the berries on the butt.
Look, how much money
do you have?
Babe, you don't
have to answer this.
Yes, he does.
Fine! Full disclosure.
It's bad.
I'm down to my last 97 million.
197 million.
He's just barely scraping by.
All you had to do was ask me.
Gentlemen, I need
deck the halls, allegro, now.
Ned, it's the holidays
and I think
we should start over.
So this is for you.
What is it?
It's a little stocking stuffer.
I think you'll like it.
A phone?
Press the button.
This is from my bank
in grand rapids.
Merry Christmas.
Someone fill me in here.
Well, Steph...
I bought your father's company.
Sort of.
Ned, I purchased all your debt
as a Christmas present.
What the fuck?
You son of a bitch.
Dude, I'm trying to be nice,
so you can avoid bankruptcy.
Are you guys talking chapter 11?
I don't even wanna
hear that term.
Okay, gentlemen, I need
jingle bells, and step on it!
I can't believe that
you didn't tell us about this.
What? No, it's just...
The business has been running
a little rough lately.
I'm already working on
a new deal right now.
So you had no idea?
How the hell
did you know about this?
It was Justine.
Yeah, it was me.
She played me back a little bit of a
conversation you had the other day...
With a guy named Lou.
Of course, I had to help.
Ned, I'm sorry if I overstepped.
But I was really,
really worried about you.
She was.
No clowning.
And just so you don't stress,
you're still gonna be
the big cheese, dude.
I plan on being
a very hands-off owner.
So what do you say, partner?
- Ned, what are you...
- What the fuck?
Why would you do that, dad?
Fuck you, paper man!
Oh, Scheisse.
Ned, I'm sorry, bro.
Are you okay? Oh, man.
My training, it just takes over.
Everybody is feeling
a lot of tension.
Calm down.
Or we can hit people square
in the face with an iPad.
Disengage and run!
Dude, that was kind of cool.
You gotta be honest.
Ned, I love you.
I was just trying to help.
Laird, disengage him!
Ned, let go of his balls!
Laird! Evasive parkour!
Laird, get away!
Evasive parkour!
Do the wall pop!
Wall pop!
Goose! Did you see that?
That's right! Because you
finally engaged your core!
Get down here!
You see the difference of the feeling?
How it feels differently?
I know!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Don't breathe in.
I'll save you, brother!
Scotty, no! Scotty!
No, honey!
I'm here to save you, laird!
Scotty, watch out!
Laird! You okay?
You're okay.
You're okay.
Wait. Where's Scotty?
Scotty! Oh, my god.
He's under the moose!
He's under the moose!
Oh, shit.
These fucking moose balls
are in my mouth.
Oh, shit,
he's teabagging you, bro!
I got you.
Come here. Come here.
Oh, my god. It's okay.
It's okay.
Honey, I'm so sorry
it turned out this way.
Me, too.
I'll call you when I get home.
Okay. Good luck with Scotty.
Thank you. I'll need it.
Steph, listen. I never...
I'm done listening.
Have a safe flight.
See you, sis.
Bye, Scotty.
Can't believe I have to
go back to toilet paper.
Hey, Don Millis.
Merry Christmas, sir.
You too, Ned. Look, I hate
to call on Christmas.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It was great
catching up yesterday
and I wanted to ring you
as soon as we made a decision.
I talked with the group here
about your proposal
and we just can't go for it.
I'm sorry, pal.
We really appreciate you offering
us such a sweetheart deal.
But fact is we're just not doing a
whole lot of printing these days.
You know how it is.
It's a whole new world, right?
Sure is.
I sure wish we could've
done business, cheese.
All right, listen, um,
if you're sure I can't
change your mind there, don.
Yeah, unfortunately not.
Okay. All right.
You have a happy holidays.
You, too, Ned!
Best to Barb and the kids.
Excuse me, Ned?
I'm sorry to bother you, but
your flight leaves in an hour.
I'll miss you.
Welcome home, Flemings!
Lou, what...
You guys must be freezing.
Come on, get in here. Let me get that.
Come on, cheese.
Lou, what's going on?
Barbara, hey.
- Barb, you look great.
- There they are!
Merry Christmas!
Um, Lou, I texted you that
I needed to talk to you.
I mean, what's...
Come on, you hear this guy?
Hank rouse from first national
shot me a congratulatory
voicemail this morning
about the Mayhew deal.
You did it, big cheese!
You pulled off
the Christmas miracle.
Cheese, cheese, cheese!
Cheese, cheese, cheese!
Ned, as a little token
of our appreciation,
we all chipped in
and bought you something
that we're pretty sure
you don't own.
You shouldn't have.
Open it. Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
It's an iPad.
Hit the home button right there.
We had a little fun
with that down in graphics.
I got the images off
Scotty's Facebook page.
He looks like a stand-up guy.
Like a younger version
of you, Ned.
Make a speech!
Oh, yes, speech!
Speech, speech, speech.
The heck is that?
Laird, a jet and
a helicopter? Where are we?
Hang on, babe. Almost there.
One second.
Guys, stay here for a minute.
Honey, go inside
and get a jacket.
That's Mayhew.
Is that the guy?
Where are we?
That looks weird.
It's kind of fifty
shades of grey -ish.
And here we go.
Hi, honey.
You brought me home?
Without telling me?
I realize I violated the
sanctity of mystery date
but I just thought the family
should all be together today.
Okay, that wasn't your
place to do that, hon.
Steph, I know,
but it is Christmas.
And we're glad to see you.
This isn't what she wanted.
No, it's not.
What I wanted was
for us to spend
Christmas in California together
like I planned, before
everything went to shit
because you made it
all about yourself.
You both did.
I did?
You idiots think you can
pass me back and forth
like I'm your property
or something?
I'm done.
This is the worst
Christmas ever.
Steph. Honey.
I think she's pissed.
Yeah, she's pissed.
I just thought that you guys
should be together today.
All right. Well, I'll
leave you to it.
Happy holidays, Ned.
You too, laird.
Uh, laird.
You're doing a "I'm
gonna walk away slowly
"'cause I really don't
wanna leave" walk.
Come here.
Come here.
So what happened?
You didn't propose?
How could I?
I never got your permission
and we pinky-swore
I wouldn't ask without it.
You are remarkable.
You don't have a gear
to be dishonest, do you?
Guess not, dude.
Laird, you never needed
my permission
to ask Stephanie to marry you.
But if it still means
anything to you,
you have my blessing.
For reals?
No clowning.
But, laird, Stephanie's right.
It's up to her. It's
always been up to her.
Not us.
It just took me a while
to realize that.
It's so true.
Dude, we were such jerks.
I bit your dick.
Shaft and balls.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, dude.
Look, laird, if you wanna
ask Stephanie to marry you
when the time
is right, just do it.
Okay. Is it cool
if I do it right now?
Because, uh, just in case
it worked out
I had goose put a shit ton
of doves in the helicopter
and I have
a couple other surprises.
Laird, this is
totally your call.
But can I give you some advice?
Dude, please.
I'm so fucking
nervous right now.
All right, look...
Stephanie doesn't care about
all the bells and whistles.
You know her.
She cares about you.
She loves you.
So you get down on one knee
and you speak to her
from your heart.
That's what you're best at.
Isn't that right, Justine?
Totally agree.
Holy shit.
My first time in Michigan.
It's cold as balls here.
Dude, that's fucking great!
Do it Ned Fleming style.
Old school!
Fuck yes.
Okay. Well, look...
I'll go in there and see if
I can get her to come out.
Good luck.
Hey, promise me one thing.
You will treat her well.
Dude, I'm gonna treat her
like a motherfucking queen.
I'll take that.
Gustav, change of plans.
We're go on the proposal.
No go on all that other shit.
I have only one bar.
You're saying we are a go, yes?
No. No go.
Go on the proposal,
no go on the shit.
Laird, are you saying
it's a no go
or are you saying, "no. Go."?
God damn it, goose.
You're making me fucking
nervous. Just shut up.
Oh, I'm sorry. Good luck.
Oh, and by the way,
please, laird, breathe.
And no cursing, okay?
Fuck, you're right. Good call.
I'm sorry.
I know that out in California
I disappointed you
and that kills me.
And I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I threw you in the
deep end out there.
I should've never
asked you to come.
Honestly. No.
No, you didn't do
anything wrong.
What was I thinking?
It was me.
It's just that, when we
got out to laird's...
I just didn't feel like
I knew you anymore
and I got scared.
I just went crazy.
This is me.
I'm doing good.
Oh, dad.
Oh, my god.
Okay, look. I forgot...
Oh, god.
He's still out there.
I know.
In a tank top and a scarf.
And he knew
we were coming to Michigan.
Why doesn't he just come inside?
He has to talk to you
about something...
He kind of wants to make
things right with you.
Oh, does he?
I think it'd be cool
if you gave him a chance.
You want me
to give laird a chance?
I thought that if you saw
fit to give him a chance...
I thought that it'd be cool.
That's all. Well?
What's going on? Oh, my
god, it's cold out here.
I know you're pissed,
but just hear me out.
Can we talk inside?
Oh, my...
Oh, my god.
It's so romantic.
I told him to keep it simple.
Oh, our little girl.
He's gonna get down to his
knee and keep it real simple.
How do you know all this?
I gave him a few pointers.
This has been the
happiest year of my life.
And fly! Go, go, go! Go!
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
Goose. God damn it.
I said no go! No go!
Oh, my...
Oh, gosh. Wow.
Why did he do that?
Smart boy.
Absolute fucking shit fest.
Babe, I'm so
sorry. Uh...
Stephanie Fleming...
Will you...
Are you proposing?
Did my dad know about this?
Yeah, I asked for his blessing
that first morning back in Cali.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
No wonder he acted
so crazy. Honey.
Yeah, that's why he was
a little out of whack.
Yeah, we could have had
a really nice holiday.
I know. But we're all good now.
This is a lot.
Oh, my god.
Stephanie Fleming...
That's a ring.
Goose! No!
And, go! Go, guys!
Go, go, go!
Oh, my god.
Laird, what is kiss doing here?
Um, well...
Is that...
He got look-a-likes!
Those aren't
look-a-likes, Ned.
That's gene and Paul.
It's gene and Paul!
Gene and Paul!
Oh, my god! Oh, god!
Kiss is in the front yard!
Originally, I had this more
elaborate proposal plan
but your dad gave me
this awesome advice
and told me not to do it.
But they're here,
and I know how much you
love their music, so...
What? Hi.
Is he still proposing?
They've stopped playing now.
- His name's Ned.
- Oh, my god, are they...
Are they coming in the...
Oh, my god.
They're coming up the sidewalk!
They're heading in!
They're coming in our house!
Oh, my god!
Everybody act natural!
Act naturally!
I have to redecorate the house!
Uh, hi.
- I'm Ned.
- Hey, Ned.
This is my wife, Barb.
This is our friends,
Lou and Patty.
It's Lou.
So excited you're here.
I gotta tell you.
Uh, we are huge fans.
We've been members of the kiss
army for, like, 30 years now.
Yeah. Our first date was
the crazy nights tour.
Yeah! And, boy,
was that crazy.
Did you get laid?
I gave him a handjob.
I'm having an awesome time,
but are you having
a buffet here?
Oh, my god.
What was I thinking?
Are you hungry?
Oh, god, of course!
Where's our manners?
We're terrible hosts.
Let's get those guitars, guys.
Come on, let me get that axe.
See my body?
Wow! Kiss is
in our house!
Yeah. I'm kind of
juiced up a little bit.
Oh! I almost forgot about them.
The happy couple.
She said no.
I'm sorry, what?
She said no.
I'm so flattered
that you wanna marry me
but I'm not ready for that.
And I'm gonna finish school.
For me.
Because that's what I wanna do.
Got it?
That's really smart.
It's just, I had this big plan
and it didn't work out.
Well, that's life, pal.
That is so well put, Ned.
It's really, really smart.
Dude, did you come up with that?
The words, "that's life?"
Ned, you're so full of
practical wisdom...
I was just really
looking forward
to you being
my father-in-law.
I'm not breaking up with you.
You're not?
No, honey.
No, no, no.
I'm still your girlfriend.
We're still together.
Oh, thank god!
Come here.
Merry Christmas.
Dude, your employees
are so cool.
Yeah, they are.
Maybe it was wrong of me
to interfere like that,
but why don't you
let me save your company?
No, laird, I can't.
That old model
doesn't work anymore.
I guess...
I don't know.
I guess I just didn't
want to believe it.
But since you mentioned it...
I do have a business idea
I wanna run by you.
Dude, elevator pitch me!
No, hold on.
This wasn't my idea at all.
One second.
- Scotty, come here.
- Yo, what's up?
Come here.
I want you to tell laird
about the business idea
you mentioned on the plane.
Go ahead.
Wait, really?
Told you to get that seat
at the table, bro.
You did. He told me,
dad. He was, like...
"You're gonna
get that seat."
I can't believe
I finally got the seat.
Dragons and titties, baby.
Dragons and titties!
Breathe that fire.
Get up in there.
Get up in those titties!
Gonna get those dragons.
Stop motorboating your dad,
and elevator pitch me.
Sorry. Uh...
Laird, I can't stop thinking
about your toilets, dude.
My toilets?
The fresh feeling,
the scented talc.
I was thinking if you can
get the controls in English
and maybe lower the price
point a little bit,
we could have
a potentially untapped
market here in America.
Oh, shit.
And look, we can contact
a Japanese manufacturer
about pricing...
No, Scotty. Pardon my French,
but fuck that noise.
Listen. We have a factory
right here in grand rapids
with 37 of the best employees
you're ever gonna want.
Let's build our own.
Hells yes, grateful Ned! Yeah!
Okay, sorry. Yeah.
It turned out to be a pretty
cool holiday after all, huh?
It did, son.
Told you you'd be calling
me "son" by Christmas.
That's just a figure of speech.
Sure, dad.
Hello there, you gang!
It is I, Gustav.
It's so great to see you!
Hey, what do you think
of the new facial hair, huh?
I'm based in Michigan now,
so you know...
I'm trying to do this
whole kind of
Paul Bunyan, Midwestern thing.
I wanted to fill it all out.
So Scotty, laird, and Ned
took the printing company...
Turned it into
a toilet factory...
And it's going great!
The toilet is water efficient
und eco-friendly.
It's state of the art.
I'm telling you, they have
invented the Tesla of toilets!
It's amazing.
Barbara has made sure
that each toilet
has a state of the art
vaginal cleanse.
You know
exactly what I'm saying.
Every single model
comes with Justine.
Talk about a smart toilet.
She knows
if you need a little sploosh
or if you actually need
the fountains
of the Bellagio up there.
Scotty has finally
got his seat at the table.
It's beautiful.
He went a little too far
with the dragons,
and the titties,
and the motorboating.
Oy vey.
Oh, miss Stephanie.
She had the idea to link
the Fleming-Mayhew company
with the new foundation.
So now, they're sponsoring
sewage projects
all over the third world.
I told you.
Smart, smart, smart girl.
So, things are working out
really well for the gang here.
The company is
a smashing success.
And my dear laird
has finally gotten
what he's always wanted.
To be part of a family.
All right, ciao for now,
you friends.
Until we meet again.
Laird, it doesn't count as
a sneak attack if I can see...
Fuck you, goose!
Captioned by deluxe