Wild Boys (2023) Movie Script

All right.
Who's ready to play pirates?
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll be Blackbeard.
- No no, I'm Blackbeard.
No, I'm Blackbeard.
Don't you dare tell me what
I am and what you're not.
You're not the boss of me.
I'm always the boss.
- No, youre a stupid boss.
Youre a stupid boss
who isnt Blackbeard.
Because you can't be Blackbeard.
I'm a better pirate than you.
No, no, no.
You stupid idiot. Im
blackbeard, get off me.
- Thats right.
That's right. Who wins?
Who's Blackbeard?
Say it! Say it!
- Me.
Kate! Im heading out.
- Remember my shake.
Why don't you leave the house for
a change and get one yourself?
I'm busy.
Thanks, Dad.
- I'll be back by four.
Bye. - Bye.
You are now officially an
Online Certified Ninja.
Your certification will
arrive in 7-10 business days.
This is it.
Hey, Dad.
You're late.
You're supposed to call me
when youre late. So call me.
And remember my shake.
If this is another prank
to get me out of the house.
It's not funny, Dad.
It's actually super lame.
Forget about the shake.
Just come home, please.
And declaring it, I'm
officially worried.
Just call me back.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, whats up Maggie?
It's your father.
Come on.
Hey, I thought you
handled that really well.
You want a cup of coffee?
You know, youre really not
as weird as everybody says?
Can you please have
my house to myself?
Technically, it's
still your dad's house.
He left it to me.
So technically, it's my house.
Oh, shoot.
I meant to give you
this a few days ago.
It just didn't seem appropriate.
I think it's an audio CD.
What's it say?
How would I know?
Because you listened to it,
which I'm 100% sure you did.
Because you always have
to know everything.
I think you just
need to play it.
This is the will
of Frank Collins.
If I'm not dead yet,
skip to track two.
I had Dan put some classics
from the Boss on here as well.
He gets the booze, by the way.
That's part of the deal.
Kate, I know I've given
you a hard time about,
you know, not leaving
the house and all,
but I want you to know that you made
me the proudest dad in the world.
If it was up to me,
I would get you your shakes
until the end of time.
But it's not, so...
You got to get your own shakes
from now on, so to speak.
What I'm trying to say is
I'm not leaving you anything.
Not the car, not the house.
Oh, wait.
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
Oh. Unless you agree
to go on one final
adventure with me.
Just like we used to.
When you were little.
I can promise you treasure maps,
secret codes, and amazing experiences.
All it takes is for you to get
out there and see the world.
You have a week from my
passing to find the treasure.
Once you do, everything
that was mine becomes yours.
And I think you'll really
like the treasure, too.
It's something I've
never told a soul about.
And I'm trusting you to
take good care of it.
You can do this.
Good luck.
- Seriously. A week?
Well, four days now.
Is this even legal?
- It's airtight.
Your dad made sure of it.
The bank is authorized to seize the
property when the seven days are up.
No, Maggie, you can't just throw me
out because my dad made a stupid CD.
I'm not the one
throwing you out.
It's his will.
It'll be easy peasy,
lemon squeezy.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
I heard you're an
online certified ninja.
My certification hasn't
even come in the mail yet.
Is this 100% for sure?
- Yep.
There's nothing else I can do about it?
- No.
I was planning on playing
video games today.
Let's see what he had in mind.
That's a lot of green.
Do you know what that means?
Mother frickin
nature. I don't hike.
You do now.
Are you going hiking?
What the hell are
you doing here?
Finest selection of
crossword puzzles in town.
It helps him with
his bowel movements.
I mean, what the hell are
you doing in Frank's house?
I'm collecting my inheritance.
Dan, you helped my dad
make the CD, right?
Did he say anything to you about
a treasure or a scavenger hunt?
I used to be a disc jockey
back in the eighties.
You, have a good morning.
Lifes great mysteries...
- Bye Dan.
May the beacon guide you.
Basic clue, Dad.
There better not be bugs.
Son of a bitch
whipped his head around
almost stuck me up
the ass with the horn!
Kate, so you're really doing it?
Damn it!
- You owe me ten bucks.
I knew you'd come
through for me.
You're welcome.
You know, your dad,
he loved these beans.
Hed buy a couple of cans of these to
go on his hikes for the last 15 years.
You're not hiking, are you?
How much?
It's on the house.
- Yeah.
Is this enough? - It's free.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
I go to stores all the time.
Frank fought this bear once...
Can I have a?
Did you say vanilla shake?
A peanut butter
fudge shake, please.
Peanut butter fudge shake.
It'll be $4.25.
Oh, please have my change
of quarters, please.
Shake will be right out.
Oh, okay.
Axel. I havent
seen you in forever.
How you been?
Did you
go away to college or something?
- Oh.
Oh, hey, I heard about your dad.
I'm really sorry.
So, what have you
been up to these days?
Video games.
Oh, a gamer.
That's cool. I wish I could
make a living off Call of Duty.
I don't make a living off it.
Speaking of duty,
I work for ICE now
Keeping America safe.
Why are you talking to me?
Oh, I just hadn't seen you in a while,
and you came in, it was one of those...
Peanut butter fudge shake!
- Sorry
I didn't mean that to
be mean or anything.
I just don't talk
to a lot of people.
But here, do you want
a sip of my shake?
I cant. Peanut allergy.
I'm so sorry.
I have to go, but keep the goatee
It looks really good on you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You missed a spot!
Thank you.
So you going digging
for treasure?
No, I'm just.
I'm just going on a
stroll. I'm not. No.
Mm hmm.
He says you ought to
put on some real shoes.
But I say it ain't our place to judge
the fancy footwear of you city folk.
I'm from here.
Then you're just one fry shy of
a Happy Meal, aint you, honey?
Thank you.
Watch out for skeeters.
- And bears.
Oh, my Gosh.
Oh, my Gosh.
No. Oh.
Where is X?
Oh! X. This way.
How am I supposed to find X
when everything looks the same?
You're supposed to be a rock.
Oh, my God.
What's that?
Back off!
- Beans!
It's delicious.
Where did you get this?
- The store.
Why are you here?
- Because I got lost.
- Because my phone stopped working.
- Because I lost service.
- Please back off, I cant breathe.
- Because you're in my personal space, and I don't appreciate it.
Why are you here?
Why do you care?
I. I don't care.
We saved you.
Really? You scared me.
And you made me run into a tree.
And then we saved you.
- Yeah, but I wouldn't have needed saving
if you hadn't scared
me in the first place.
I don't like her.
Why not? She has beans.
Its too dangerous.
She has to leave.
She's not dangerous. She's like a
rabbit, but really, really slow.
Shes not like a rabbit.
She's like a possum.
Ew, no, she's not like a possum.
She's a. She's like a doe.
A cute doe.
Can we keep her?
Stranger danger.
- Yeah, stranger danger.
I'm not scared.
You're scared.
Im terrified.
I'm Red.
- Personal space.
I'm Red.
- Red!
Stranger danger.
She's not a stranger.
Kate? She's Kate?
Hi, Kate?
I'm Red.
Nice to meet you, Red.
That's... Jondeer.
Like the tractor?
Nothing runs like a deer.
Were Wild Boys.
- What does that mean?
We're Wild Boys.
So, what, you guys
live out here?
Well, we live next to the...
You can't tell anyone
that were here.
Anyone. Kate?
Hey, that's mine.
- It's a treasure map.
X means treasure.
You're a pirate?
She doesnt looks like a pirate.
How do you know what
a pirate looks like?
Are you a pirate?
I am a pirate, Captain.
What's the treasure?
I can't tell you. It's a secret.
What's the secret?
Personal space, okay.
What is personal space?
Yes. What is it?
It's like a bubble around you
where no one else can enter.
Only you.
I don't see it.
Oh, I don't see it.
Its invisible. You just
have to feel for it.
Oh, I don't feel it.
Can I have my map back?
Oh, we'll find the treasure.
We have the map.
Can you even read a map?
No, no.
Can so! The treasure
is where the X is.
Oh, yeah.
As a pirate captain, I'm
an expert at reading maps.
So how about I read the map
and you guys find the course?
We get the treasure.
- Yeah!
No, My dad left it for me.
Well, then you have to
give us something else.
Yeah. - Like what?
More beans. Okay,
fine. I can do that.
hot chocolate
and Spaghetti-Os.
- Tomato soup!
You guys can get three
things, and that's it.
Beans, hot chocolate and chips!
Ok, beans, hot
chocolate and chips.
I will bring you guys those things
after you help me find the treasure.
Do you think we're idiots?
First you bring us the beans,
and the chips and
the hot chocolate.
And the hot chocolate.
- And then we help you find the treasure.
No, but we're already out here.
It makes so much more sense
to just do it right now.
There's no treasure here.
You're very bad at treasure hunting.
- Very, very bad.
Ok, fine.
We'll do it your way.
How will I find you?
We'll find you.
Does he always do that?
Every day.
So do you guys play video games?
Me neither, that's
like, super nerdy.
I have hand sanitizer!
Whats happening?
Bye Kate.
I don't know how to get home.
I need my map back.
Peanut butter fudge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, sorry.
My God. What happened
to your head?
A tree.
You okay?
- Yeah.
Hey. Hey, listen, I was
thinking it was really a
you know, it was nice
seeing you the other day.
Maybe I could take you out for
a drink or something sometime.
Oh no. I. I got to go.
Oh, are you going hiking?
- Oh, can I come with you? I love to hike.
Maybe some other time.
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
I have to go.
Be safe.
Are you stalking me?
No, no, I
thought itd be nice if I
surprised you with a picnic.
You know, I've got some cheeses
Oh, my God, patriot down!
You promised to keep the secret.
Oh, no. I didn't know he was
following me until just now.
Now we have to kill
him. Kate, Kate, Kate!
Hes not going to tell
anyone, right, Axel?
Pinky promise?
- Yeah.
Do it.
Do it.
Here's the stuff.
You ready to do this?
Who the hell are these guys?
It's complicated.
They're like savages.
Are they even American?
Does it matter?
Absolutely. We cant have illegal immigrants
just wandering around our country.
There's no telling what kind of
raping and pillaging they could do.
You can't tell
anyone about this.
I am an ICE agent and it is my duty
to inform the public about this.
Okay? They can't ask
me to pinky promise.
I'm asking.
Why do you care?
They're helping me.
I thought you said you
didn't need any help.
Just get out of here before
they change their minds.
Kate, not without you!
Why is he still here?
He's just about to leave, right?
You sure you want to do this?
- I can take care of myself.
Could be dangerous. Axel,
I don't need your help.
I want you to call me when you
get off the mountain, okay?
I need to know you
made it home safe.
If you tell anyone about us,
we'll find you.
- And kill you.
I pinky promised.
You did.
I did. Did.
Enjoy that brie, if you can.
Can I have my map?
Thank you.
Okay, so this is
where we need to go.
So all this green we have to cross
is forest, and the gray is mountain.
Oh, that's Big Rock.
- You know it? - Yeah.
- Is it far?
Yeah, it's really far.
Mm mm.
- Oh, one more thing before we go.
You guys remember
personal space?
It's an invisible bubble.
Not invisible any
more. Blow these up.
I want that one.
- I want that one.
You blow it up. Put
your mouth here.
On this one.
Its too hard.
Bite down on this
part right here.
- Yeah.
Guys. Captain calls a break.
- Captain's orders.
Bush Tit.
Excuse me?
- Bush Tit.
Whats a Bush Tit?
It's a bird.
White Breasted Nut Hatch.
That's pretty cool.
What other tricks do you know?
I can catch fish
with my bare hands.
No way.
Do you know any tricks?
I have a magical thumb.
Show me.
Jondeer, Jondeer, look.
She has a magical thumb.
I think that's all I can take.
I don't want to
make it permanent.
I like her a little better now.
Word on the street is you two are the
best hunters in town. Is that right?
Aint you that ICE agent that cried wolf about
15 times last year if I aint much mistaken?
I mean, look, are
you or are you not?
Damn straight.
I want to hire you for a job.
What kind of a job?
I need you to track two young men living
in the wilderness outside of town.
I have reason to believe
they are illegal immigrants.
Quite possibly Canadian terrorists
planning an attack on our town.
He says bullshit.
And to that I say,
why aren't you taking this
through the proper channels?
This sort of thing supposed
to be your job, ain't it?
I need proof before I
take this upstairs, okay?
I cant have another
case dismissed?
Oh, I bet you can't.
Theres another one
when youre done.
America's in danger?
We are talking
national security.
You hear that?
Muricas callin.
Oh, well spy for you.
Observe and report, okay?
Dont let them see you.
I'll be in touch.
Your call sign is Hillbilly NSA.
Pretty cool, huh?
Where's the treasure?
No idea.
This is X. Where's
the treasure?
Yeah, I don't know.
I just have a clue.
May the beacon guide you.
Careful, we built that!
- Sorry.
You know what? I know.
Let's meditate on it, okay?
May the beacon guide you.
We built a lot of stone towers like
this all throughout the forest.
Theyre good for keeping
away evil spirits.
Keep us safe.
- Hey, can you guys be quiet?
How am I supposed to meditate with
you chit chatting the whole time?
Just be quiet so we
can let the beacon...
The beacon!
No! No, Kate!
Stop, my treasures in here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Open it.
That's not a treasure.
Yeah, no doy.
I only have three days left.
How does he expect me to find the treasure
if he can't even leave me a real clue?
Sorry, Kate.
Sorry, Kate.
Well make you hot chocolate.
- Really?
Hot chocolate always helps.
No ones made me hot chocolate
in a really long time.
Let's go home.
Keep your eyes closed.
Keep em closed. Walk, walk,
walk. Keep your eyes closed.
Keep them closed.
This way Kate.
Remember, Wild Boys secret.
- Okay.
Are your eyes closed?
- Theyre closed, Red.
Come on. We're almost there.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Are your eyes closed? - Yeah, theyre closed.
- Okay.
Open your eyes.
Wild Boy camp!
You guys make this.
- I did. I did. Yeah.
Jondeer helped a little bit.
A little bit. Kate, come here.
Come here, come here.
Look, look, I killed this pig.
I caught him and I stabbed him.
Well, Jondeer stabbed him.
You know, I skinned him.
Kate, look here, we grind with
this. We cook all of our stuff.
This is Jondeer. This
is where he sleeps.
- Jondeer sleeps here.
- Red, I sleep right here.
Nice, Red.
Yeah. Sometimes I roll
over and hit Jondeer.
He gets really mad.
Then, right here,
Kate, is our food.
This is the smoke
and the... the heat.
Oh, it's so good.
And with this right here, it
smells and tastes really good.
And, Kate, look over
here. Look, look, look.
Kate. Kate.
I poop on that tree right there.
And Jondeer poops on that one.
- Okay, cool. - You can poop on that one...
I don't need to know that one.
And then right here,
Kate, this is the fire.
Tastes weird.
Jondeer, this is sunscreen.
This is not for eating.
Are you okay?
- You guys want to make hot chocolate?
Yeah. Hot chocolate.
Here you go, you gotta stir it.
Thanks, Red.
Its perfect.
I still can't believe you
guys actually live out here.
Where else would we live?
Anywhere with Internet.
Our people have always
lived out in the forest.
This is not a very
good flashlight.
Do it again. Idiot.
You're an idiot.
Oh, what's it say?
- Hidden people.
Oh, it's a story my dad used
to scare me with as a kid.
Okay. One time there
was this little girl.
She went into the forest
and she came across these
hidden people called the Hulder.
They look just like
you and me except
they have tails.
And she became really
good friends with them.
And they showed her
all these magical things about the
forest that she never knew before.
But then one day she went
into the forest to see them
and they tricked her
deep, deep into the forest.
They jumped her. And ate her!
I don't think they eat people.
Okay. It's just a story.
But I think I know
what it means.
I think my dad is telling me
I have to go to that cave where he
used to tell me the Hulder lived.
On the mountain road.
- I wouldn't live in a cave.
There's only one way in or out.
If a bear attacks,
youre dead. Stupid.
We'll come with you.
You don't have to if
you don't want to.
She can handle it on her own.
We made a deal.
You bring the goodies, we
help you find the treasure.
Wild Boys don't
break their promises.
It's nice having friends.
We're the best
friends you can have.
To new experiences
and new friends.
It was this big, but Jondeer
said it was only this big.
It was clearly this big.
- No, no, it was this big.
I caught it first, I was the one that caught it.
- Red, you are so stupid.
I killed it. You are so stupid.
- Dont talk to me like that.
You're an idiot!
Are we going in that?
It looks dangerous.
We'll walk and meet you there.
- Yeah. - Yep.
Oh, okay,
I thought you guys were
brave, but guess not.
I'm brave.
- I'm braver than Red.
No, Im brave!
Then get in the car.
I thought you guys wanted to help me find the treasure.
- Yes.
Then get in the car.
- No.
Have you guys ever
had these before?
Theyre good, yeah? You want more?
- Yeah.
Come here. You want more?
We're just going to sit back
here for a while and enjoy these.
Now, I am going to go up
into the drivers seat.
I'll drive!
I'm driving.
Really, guys?
Sit down.
You're fine.
Im Jondeer.
The Chipmunks is on the move.
This is it.
You guys ready to find the treasure?
- Ready.
Leroy Jenkins!
Leroy Jenkins.
What is that?
Hey, that country club tool didn't
say nothing about no treasure.
Oh, you damn straight we will.
I don't know anyone who
would live in a cave.
Except if you want to Kate.
Lets just figure out why my dad
wanted us to come here and get out.
This is it.
- It says Hulder.
I thought you couldn't read.
I can read runes, its easy.
Of course, its a
code. Red, hold this.
Of course.
Okay, got it.
Lets go.
Yeah, Stickem up and
hand over the treasure.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
We know you lots
looking for treasure.
We heard youse talking about it.
Now, unless you want
a little meeting here
with Garth Brooks, you
better start explaining.
You kidding me?
The only treasure I have is dirty
underwear and a dead game boy.
Look, look, look.
Either you or one of your little
terrorist buddies better start talking
because we know youse
hiding something.
What do you mean Axel's
going to get pissed?
Axel put you up to this?
This is exactly why I
never leave the house.
You can't go anywhere without running into bunch of idiots.
- Idiots!
Hey, we're not idiots.
We're entrepreneurs.
Then go find the treasure
yourself. Lets go.
Her anger really does keep her from
being mindful of other people's feelings.
That was so brave, Kate.
- Yeah.
I just get so frustrated
with idiots like that.
Where are we going?
Back to my house.
It's the best place to lay low for a while
while we figure out what the code means.
It's too dangerous.
- Do you have more beans?
I've got beans.
I have a bad feeling about this.
- Beans. - No too dangerous.
Beans, beans, beans, beans!
This makes no sense.
Hi, Dan. Still solving
crossword puzzles?
It expands the vocabulary
and exercises the noggin.
You ever done code breaking?
- I was with the CIA in the Cold War.
Of course you were.
My dad left this for me, but it makes no sense.
- Hi.
You wanna play It?
We were playing sticks.
- Sticks.
I can teach you It.
Yeah, yeah. Yes. Come.
You're not going to help me?
Cant you see? I'm going to go
play It with my new friends.
Whatever, Dan.
Im it first. Youre it!
You got to touch him. Go.
He's got to get me now.
I'm missing something
really obvious.
Whos it?
What the hell is a Zoplec?
Those aren't runes.
Time out.
I'm using the wrong alphabet.
Guys, its shakes.
Have you ever had shakes before?
Okay, we need to go.
But you can't go like that.
Okay, here's some hot chocolate.
Now we just need to get
you some normal clothes
so you guys are going to
look like you own this town.
Try again.
I used to do the Prt--Porter
shows in Paris in the eighties.
You need help.
Oh, okay.
You guys look...
- Weird.
- I done good, huh?
Yeah. Dan, real good.
Now let's go find some treasure.
I used to be a grave
robber down in Egypt.
Let me tell you it was a long time...
- It's time to go home, Dan.
Are you going to help me or
just sit there and gorge?
Im so full.
Kate, there's nothing here.
What is that?
That's my parents.
The clue has got to be
somewhere in this picture.
- Are you going to introduce me to your friends?
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, This is Red mund.
And this is John.
- Jondeer. I'm Jondeer.
Like the tractor?
- No.
I'm Sheriff Maggie Jones.
How did you two sneak into town?
These men are terrorists.
You're ridiculous.
Sheriff, I have reason to believe
that these two men are affiliated
with a Canadian terrorist cell
operating out of the Rockies
known as the Maple Leaf Mad Lads.
You've been on the Internet
reading conspiracy theories again?
No. Check their IDs.
He's delusional. They
haven't done anything wrong.
Then there shouldn't be a
problem with checking their IDs.
It's complicated.
They don't have
their IDs on them.
Hah! Hah!
Should I be worried here, Kate?
No, Maggie, we're
just trying out shakes
and looking at pictures.
- And looking for treasure.
They are planning an attack.
- Ill attack you.
You just want Kate because you
like her. You think she's pretty?
Everyone calm down! Axel, stand down
before I report you to your supervisors.
I'm sure you don't want
them to hear you're out
performing another act of
heroism on their behalf.
Kate, Red, Jondeer.
I'd like to have a chat with
you down at the station.
That's not necessary.
I wasn't asking.
You broke a pinky promise.
Now you're going to have
bad luck for 27 years.
Ladies, Axel Johnson,
local hero, patriot.
If you're ready for a
fling, give me a ring.
Well, after I fell,
they offered to help me.
There's no way I would have been able
to do anything out there by myself.
So they pretty
much saved my life.
And Jondeer was strangling him...
- Sit down!
Where did you come from before
your home in the forest?
Was it Canada?
- I've never seen a Canada.
Where then?
It's a secret.
You got to work
with me here, buddy.
Red Shouldered
So, have you ever been with or
dealt with known terrorists?
What's a terrorist?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Kate is my friend.
- Oh.
So are you guys, like, doing it?
- Where? When?
On the mountain.
In the forest. In the
cave. In the house.
It's getting hot in here.
- It's hotter in the fire.
Jondeer said it was this
big, but it was this big.
Guess I'm the best
fisher I've ever seen.
Just answer the question.
Are you related to Jondeer?
So you're not doing it?
We were looking for it.
Looking for the treasure.
That makes me very happy.
Why did you help Kate?
She's very clumsy.
Red think she's pretty.
- What about you?
Red doesn't think I'm pretty.
I'm Jondeer.
Yes, you are.
Red. I'll take it slow
this time for you, okay?
What is your real name?
- Oh, got it.
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
They're my friends.
Are you having sex with them?
No, Maggie. No.
Jondeer said Red likes you.
Maggie, you are
such a gossip queen.
Okay, so just stay out... No.
Is that why you're blushing?
- Did he really say that?
I can't hold you guys, but I am
going to have to run your DNA
and your prints against our national
databases and that may take some time.
What about Axel?
I know Axel's like
an angry hemorrhoid.
Trust me.
I wish I could make him
disappear, but I can't.
So you guys are going to have to
tread carefully for a while. Okay?
Okay, can we go.
You're free to go. Kate.
I know you've got dibs on Red,
but I'm calling dibs on Jondeer.
I'd work that tractor every day.
Really proud of you, Kate.
The scavenger hunt
is really working.
Never seen you so
full of life before.
No, as soon as this is over,
I'm getting Amazon Fresh
and I'm never leaving
my house again.
Kate has a boyfriend.
Bye Maggie.
- Bye!
It's a real pirate paper.
- Wow.
What does it say, Kate?
Boss Spectrum 71381, 11.
The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.
My dad was obsessed with him
like beyond what is healthy.
He used to sing me Born
in the USA as my lullaby.
What about the rest?
I'm not sure.
It must be some sort of,
like, lesser known song...
The River!
- Bruce Springsteen.
The Spectrum in Philadelphia,
July 13th, 1981.
Me and your father was there
with 90,000 other people.
Oh, I said it then
and I'll say it again.
It was a day I'll never forget.
But why The River?
11th song on the setlist
neatly positioned between
a Woody Guthrie cover
and a Jimmy Cliff cover.
Dan, you can't even
remember where you live.
How the hell did
you remember that?
Priorities, Miss.
Guess we're going to the river.
- Swimming.
Oh, and you know, the second
verse of that song is true
in Frank's case.
No, no, no.
In the second verse of that song,
the guy gets his girlfriend pregnant.
Are you saying I was
conceived at the river?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
I know that had to happen for me to be here,
but thats just so gross to think about.
I don't want to right now. I don't
want to hear about it right now.
So it just. Itll
ruin my childhood.
So we're just going to... You guys
can watch some TV. I feel gross.
I'm gonna go take a shower. So here.
Heres the remote, go watch some TV.
Just don't go anywhere.
If you guys sit that close your
eyes are going to get square.
The kidnapper allegedly grabbed
the victim in broad daylight,
taking him as he was
going to his car.
The police say it's as
if he just disappeared.
The criminal is still at large and
the police are eager to hear from
anyone that can provide
additional information.
We will continue following the
situation as it develops and keep you up
to date on everything.
Hey, hey,
All have a good morning.
Thank you. Wheres Jondeer?
I don't know. Maybe
he's in the bathroom.
I guess not.
His spears gone.
- Crap.
He's probably just
hunting us some breakfast.
No, we have breakfast here.
- Oh.
Hope he doesn't do
anything stupid.
This is delicious.
Shouldn't Jondeer
be back by now?
I'm sure he'll be back
soon. Oh, this one time.
He was gone for
three or seven days,
and he was chasing this
fox that took our food.
And he came back with
the fox and not our food.
I think he ate it.
Okay, if he's not back in 20
minutes, we're leaving without him.
Hey Billy, Call of
Duty later, yeah?
I guess whatever
John Deere is doing
is more important than
helping us find the treasure.
Red, are you ready?
- Ready.
Okay, let's go.
All have a good morning.
How are we supposed to
find the treasure here?
Woo! Kate, jump in!
Lets go look for the treasure.
I'm Jondeer.
How are we supposed to
find the treasure here
if my dad didn't even tell
us what we're looking for?
Maybe we should do what
your dad was doing?
What? No, we can't do that.
I nev... We cant
do what he did here.
Ive never done that.
Unless you want to do that.
I never done that before.
What are you talking about?
I don't think my dad
sent me here to have...
Sex. Whats sex?
You don't know what it is?
- No.
Tell me. Is it fun?
I don't know.
I never done that.
Walk me through the steps, Kate.
Why do you want to know?
Because then we can do
what your dad was doing
and maybe find the treasure.
Its what a good hunter would do.
Not a bad idea, but I want to say that
I kind of feel like you're trolling me.
No, I hate trolls.
Okay, well, Ive never done it
before, but I feel like probably...
Maybe you probably start out by, like,
getting really close to each other.
Okay. Then, you would probably,
like, touch each other.
Okay. This. This is sex, this is...
- No not yet.
Maybe you get really close.
- And that's it.
We had sex.
My dad probably would have offered
my mom a bottle of wine or something.
Like this?
Where did you get that?
No, no, I found it.
I'm close to it.
I like it. I want
to have sex with it.
Red. Give me the bottle.
You said.
- Just.
I'll tell you more
later. Hold on.
Its a clue.
You're almost there.
The last thing on
this little adventure awaits
along with all the old treasure
maps from when you were little.
This last map will lead
you to the real treasure.
I hope you find it as
enjoyable as I have.
Now, you take good
care of it. Go getem.
Let's go.
Did we have sex?
- No!
What the hell?
- Careful.
What happened here?
I made hot chocolate.
- No. Here.
I kidnapped him.
What made you think
that was a good idea?
- That's a horrible idea, Jondeer.
Oh, we had sex.
Im so sorry about this.
I promise you. It's never
going to happen again.
Untie me right now.
So I can knock these fart
brained sons in tomorrow.
Calm down.
I am perfectly calm, but nobody
treats a patriot like this.
It's probably just a joke, okay?
Right, Jondeer? It was just a joke.
He's a hemorrhoid, and
it's best if he disappears.
We are going to rip out
your toenails one by one.
I swear.
You are getting a one-way
ticket to Guantanamo Bay.
Do you realize what you've done?
The sheriff said she wished he disappeared.
- She did? Yes.
So I made him disappear.
- Jondeer!
Kidnapping people is
illegal, and it's not nice.
So just untie him while I go figure
out where the treasure map is.
Good job.
Thank you.
She's so mean sometimes.
The sex, Jondeer. The sex is...
Tell me what it is.
Me and Kate did it, but she showed
me all of it down by the river.
She showed everything.
- Enough! Enough!
You're going to regret ever
touching your hands on me.
Stickem up! Now.
Alright, let's show these beardos
how Americans treat terrorists.
Let's go, boys. Now.
Get in the truck.
Found it! You guys ready?
I did it.
New York Times Sunday
edition has been conquered!
Dan, where did everyone go?
Oh, I thought I heard kerfuffle.
And, then, I heard
that Bear's voice.
Oh, she makes the finest
moonshine I have ever had.
And, I thought for sure
I must be dreaming.
Because ain't no way
she could be here.
And, then, I heard silence.
So I went back in, and I did it.
13 across.
Dan, do you know where
they brew their moonshine?
Moonshine Mansion,
heaven on earth.
Can you take me there?
I'm not due for a
refill till next week.
Dan. Game on.
That'll be a whole good time.
Hillbilly NSA, this
is Patriot One.
What kind shake you want? Over.
Peanut butter fudge.
You know I have a level
red peanut allergy, right?
It's the only way to go.
All right, fine.
Just because I owe you one.
- They must be in there.
The good stuffs
always in there.
We got to MacGyver ourselves
out of this situation, okay?
Do you have any explosives?
Not on me.
Here. Hold that.
I got to go take a piss.
Nows our chance.
Okay. Just go that way.
Nobody messes with my Yappy.
Cave troll!
Dan! Dan! Theres a very rude,
mean looking woman out here.
Okay, Bear.
I'm an Online Certified
Ninja, Bear, so watch...
And Im a bear!
This is my first fight, okay?
Aw, did you hurt yourself?
Why dont you cry and
call somebody who cares?
Run! Get out guys!
Drop my moonshine now!
Damnit Dan, thats
my best moonshine.
Hey, Bear, you want some beans?
Let's go.
you're so pretty.
- Are you drunk?
I had a little bit
of that weird water.
All right.
Who is ready for
some hamburgers?
See what happens when
you treat everything
different from you like it's
a frickin terrorist threat?
Just because someone
is unfamiliar
doesn't mean they're going
to blow your house up.
It's because of people like you
I never want to
leave my house again.
Peanut butter fudge.
Let's go.
That was a whole good time.
We're going home.
No. We only have one more
day to find the treasure
or else I'm going to lose all
this. We're having so much fun.
Don't you just want to
know what the treasure is?
I found the last clue.
Look, it's a map of the forest.
So here's Big Rock.
Here's Hikers Parking and
we just need to get to here.
- No.
Oh, come on. Don't
be such a buzzkill.
Think about what Red would want.
Kate, we're Wild Boys.
We don't belong here.
One more adventure is
not going to hurt you.
It already hurts a lot.
Dont you at least just
want to know where X is?
This is where it leads.
- Yeah, you know it?
Yeah, it's over, Kate.
Were going home.
Come on, please!
- Because I need your help.
You need our help?
You need our help to get to X.
You guys have helped me this whole
time, and I can't do this by myself.
Yes, you can.
You've been there.
- No, I haven't.
Youre the treasure?
We're Wild Boys.
You knew my dad?
Always had a helpful hand for
those in need, your father.
Why didn't you tell me?
- Wild Boys don't tell secrets.
He brought us beans and chips and
Spaghetti-Os and hot chocolate.
I messed up.
- No. Kate, youre our new best friend.
No. My dad trusted me
to take care of you guys, but I
can't even take care of myself.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to fix this.
Sheriff Maggie Jones.
- Hi, Maggie, it's Kate.
I need help.
Kate, what the hell
have you been up to?
It's a long story, but Axel and
his goons tried to kidnap the boys.
Axel is prancing around down here
telling everyone who will listen
that your boys
tried to kill him.
I don't know what you guys are
up to, but it looks like he's
making out with poison oak and
people are actually listening.
I can't do this alone.
- Listen to me.
You're a strong,
independent woman.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
For Gods sake, you're an
Online Certified Ninja.
As far as I'm concerned, the boys
could disappear back into the wild
and never be missed.
I can't say the
same for you though.
Got it. How long do we have?
I'll do my best to stall
them, but it won't be long.
Thanks, Maggie.
Time to go home.
- Finally - I want to stay here with you.
We're about to have the wrath
of a bunch of angry hillbillies on us,
so we need to go and we need to go fast.
Kate, then you
come home with us.
Kate, this is Patriot One.
I mean, Axel.
Look, let's just end this before
anyone else gets hurt, okay?
Just give me the terrorists
and I'll make this all go away.
You know in your heart
it's the right thing to do.
Okay, America will thank you.
And, Kate,
you're the bald eagle
to my American flag.
I love you. Do you copy?
Eat shit.
Gods, I hate that guy.
It's time to put the
wild in Wild Boys.
We're going to have to go farther
and deeper than ever before
and I have a plan.
Do you trust me?
We'll be Wild Boys together.
Game on.
You all have a good time.
Bye, Dan.
- Bye, Dan.
The goal is for us to
gather at Wild Boys camp
no later than sundown.
Whoever is not there by
sunset gets left behind.
No exceptions. Understand?
Okay, so I'll take
the regular trail.
Jondeer, I want you to take the trail that
goes west and then south to throw them off.
Red, just go straight to the camp and be fast.
- Ok, fast.
We need to get
everything ready for...
I want them alive.
Split up.
Whoever is not back at camp
by sunset gets left behind.
He says its an awfully strange way
of winning a young girl's heart.
And to that, I say,
love's a fickle thing.
Like the Lord It works
in mysterious ways.
I don't pay you to
play Dear Abby, okay?
I pay you two to
track terrorists.
Now, which way did they go?
Now, he says...
- I get it!
Yeah, tell me about it.
Who the hell's Abby anyway?
I should have done
Ninja Extreme.
Son of a bitch!
- How could you miss? - Hes scrawny.
Where the hell
are you all going?
I told the wife Id have
the grill fired up by 7:30.
And now Im gonna catch hell because
it ain't gonna be done till eight.
And we got the
barn dance tonight.
There are terrorists
at large in our county.
Oh, we scared them up good.
They ain't gonna come
around here for a while now.
We scared them up real good.
This is ridiculous.
This is un-American.
God, you yell a lot.
- Inbreds, roll out.
You about to really piss me
off with all this yelling.
Hey, idiots, over here.
Son of a bitch!
Did you already get them?
- We scared them up good.
We're going to the
barn dance. You coming?
Is Axel still out there?
Yep. Him and Bear and Yap.
- Yeah, nice.
Wheres Kate?
This godforsaken rent-a-cop
got me up here on this mountain
when I could be making moonshine
chasing half naked men that I
can't even have my way with.
And they make me do
all kinds of stuff...
Unh uh... I'm done.
You now, too?
I aint made for
this kind of stuff.
I'm good at sprinting, but I'm
wasted over long distances.
You on your own.
America will not
thank you for this.
America will thank me if
I shot you in your behind.
Good luck catching
her, short feet.
No, no, no.
Stop it.
- Kate!
We can never be like them.
She's gone.
She's gone.
We can't be like them.
Wild Boys?
Wild Boys.
We have to move quick.
Game over, Kate.
Where are they, Kate?
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
Tell me where the terrorists are!
- Youll never find them.
Stop! Police!
Axel, lower your weapon.
Ive got it from here.
Put down the shotgun or I'm blowing your
brains out and calling it self-defense.
Youre out of your
jurisdiction here, Sheriff.
Want me to call your boss?
One phone call to her about how you've
yet again embarrassed the agency,
you'll never have a career
in government again.
No. Look, okay. This job is the
only thing I've ever been good at.
Kate Collins, I'm arresting
you on charges of assault.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.
Do you understand the rights
as Ive read them to you?
I understand.
Are the hotties okay?
Lets go.
Ill never forget the
shine in that auburn hair.
Mother Nature sure did
good with that one.
I miss them.
It's your last day
out here, right?
You ordered that Amazon Fresh yet?
- No.
I'm going to keep
shopping at Giffords.
Besides, I'm almost
done with my game.
The room cleaning thing?
- No, it's a new one.
I think youll really like it.
It's got some really hunky characters.
- Now you're talkin.
Sweetie, your dad would
be so proud of you.
Okay, let's see how you look.