Wild Honey Pie! (2018) Movie Script

Never mind.
Never mind, we can't go in now.
How do you know?
You what?
How do you know?
Wo, wo, wo.
No, come on.
No, that is such bullshit
that you can die from this,
it's actually very
good for your skin.
Up my nose.
Shit foam up my nose.
It really bothers you, does it?
Just a bit of foam,
on your face right now.
Would you like that.
Alright, go on then.
If you can't jump in the sea
Then we're gonna go for a quick run.
Wait a minute.
I'm coming there now, right.
Come on, sweetheart.
I'm coming.
You can do it.
You can do it!
Alright, I've got it.
Take it easy.
I've got it, it's alright.
You won't fall,
look at me, I've got this.
Come on, Oliver.
Alright, it's just like that.
What are you doing?
I just slipped.
Cheater. Look.
It's so beautiful up here.
I love living here.
It's just...
It's perfect for me.
I love getting up in
the morning and being able
to just come out here, see this,
go back home, keep writing.
It's like, it's the dream.
I mean I know that living here
is not full of opportunity,
but in terms of being an artist,
and in terms of atmosphere
and in terms
of inspiration, this...
There's nowhere else.
There's nowhere else for me.
New York, L.A.,
whatever, these big cities,
that's, that's of course, London.
These are the places where,
you know,
if you really want to get
your career off the ground
but I'm not quite there yet.
Lots of people work
out of Cardiff as well.
Figured you could commute
to Cardiff from here,
you could still,
have all of this.
It's brilliant for kids here.
That's my only gripe with it.
If I could change it,
it would just be,
a few less
families here, less kids.
You know, it is getting
a bit crowded.
Why? Why? What is the...
Oh, god!
What the hell are you doing?
What are you doing? I'm just
cleaning my teeth, babe.
Why do you have to.
God, just do it normally.
No, it's just...
No, no, no, no,
do not! No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I don't like it.
Can you just cuddle me? Please.
That's nice.
You told my mother
to fuck off last night.
All I told her was that we needed to establish
some boundaries, that's all I said.
Yeah, but you're late
though, what's the hold up for?
Janet, hi, sorry. It's...
Here we go.
Hi, it's Gillian.
Did you break down?
Are you on the way
or what's the...
No, we're not late.
I'm sorry, we're not coming,
did he not tell you?
When could I? I was...
Can you stop calling my husband
at this time of night?
No, I know we're not at dinner.
I know we're not at dinner.
I know it's not that late,
but it's my husband,
and at some point
you need to understand
that I'm the woman in his life
and that sometimes I want, to
stay home with my grown husband.
Why don't you just give
me the phone back now.
No, no, you're not going
to speak to your son.
This is a sick,
sick relationship.
You're going to have to
sort that out.
There's a shit storm
coming of your making.
Of all day yesterday,
you were a bit...
Let's be honest,
you started off.
And it might have
been a bit of me,
but you were a bit touchy
with all the bin stuff.
Do you know that, how easy
it would have been
for you to just say
"thanks, thanks, Gillian, that was
so nice of you to let me sleep in
and to take out
the trash for me." I mean,
"wow, next time,
you sleep in, Gillian,
you sleep in
and I'll do everything else."
No don't pull that card on me now.
I have to work at night. Yeah.
I'm really sorry, that's what
I have to do, but sometimes
I sleep in.
Yeah, and then I say you do have work
but you didn't have
work last night.
If you're up all night.
Don't even, I didn't even...
It was a...
It was going to be
a fucking slap in the head.
It was a...
We both should be
doing a bigger job right now.
Job? I think I'm the one
with a job though, ain't I?
I'm the one who goes out
and earns money.
Yes, you get paid
your whatever it is
100 quid, I don't know.
150. 150 minimum.
What am I paying for?
The food, the roof
over our head.
Not the roof over
our head, are you?
Well, no, well, bills.
I'm paying for the bills,
but actually, you know what, I kind of
I'm paying for the roof over our head,
because who does it?
It's my mom.
It's not your mom, it's my mom.
It is a bit weird that we live in a
roof that your mom has paid for.
You know what, why don't we just go and
do our work that your mom gave us.
Okay, so I would like, first of
all, everyone off stage. Off stage,
because I want to start
from the top. That way.
Which way?
That way? Yeah.
Who put the
fucking flowers there?
Look, in this place,
ran Cassius' dagger through.
See what a rant the
envious casca made.
And Tonya go.
Love is merely a madness.
Craig, don't stop. Don't stop.
Do you want me to stop?
Just listen... no, I want you guys to keep going,
just listen to me, just do it. Just do it.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
And, I tell you,
deserves as well as
a dark house and a whip
through this the well-beloved
And as he
plucked his cursed steel away.
Mark how the blood of Caesar
followed it,
as rushing out of doors...
What are you doing there?
What are you reading?
It's just Julius Caesar,
but this is utterly pointless
'cos you can't hear us all
at the same time, can you?
No, but that's the point. I don't want
to hear you all at the same time.
I want to hear the ambiance of the sound.
It's a warm-up for me,
it's a warm-up for me, okay?
I just got in here.
You should have warmed up before
you came to rehearsal just like I did.
Are you saying to me
what I should have done?
What's with everyone
being so fucking
aggressive this morning?
I don't understand.
What happened to everyone this morning.
I was fine!
You know what, if you don't want
to listen to me, then don't.
Do what you think it should be
and I'll watch.
From women's eyes
this doctrine I derive
they sparkle still the right
Promethean fire;.
Hi, I'm Rachel, oh, my god.
Sorry, we don't have
the space for another actor.
No, that's Rachel. It's not
another actor, it's Rachel, isn't it?
It's not one of those...
Come you, carry on.
Come here.
Go on, do it.
How are you?
I'm good, how are you?
Really good.
I can't believe this.
Sorry, I thought that you
were an actor because you were on
the stage and I was like "oh".
Sorry, we go back.
We do. And we used to do this
Shakespeare thing at school.
Do you remember when we had to pair up...
Of course I do
and do the speech and I just...
Of course!
Thought it would
be a funny thing.
So I just got up there
and it's quite scary
when you have all the
lights on you and stuff.
Yeah, well, that's why you
have to be trained as an actor.
Guys, I'm really sorry,
I know, this one...
I did not foresee this.
And, yeah I'm sure
you're really good
and I'd love to hear...
From women's eyes this doctrine I derive,
to sparkle still the
great Promethean fire.
Wow! We're not
doing that one now.
We're not doing that one.
Right, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm so sorry, this is the day.
The paid ones, they're like,
stood there, like reading it.
She didn't even have a book
and she knew it all, when she came on...
Stop that now!
What? Why don't we just go
and call that Rachel now.
We go and take a picture of her
and blow it out really big
and I'll print like,
five fucking thousands of them.
And we just have Rachel
be the poster!
And then we just put
Shakespeare over and
it's just Rachel it'll be like...
You know, and then underneath
I put... we just putting
a tiny, tiny, tiny, bit little
give me a little corner
that says "by Gillian".
By Gillian blah blah, I'm just
like "fuck my last name. Fuck it."
Shall I let it fall off the end.
I think she'll look great.
Now you're just taking the piss
I was trying to help then,
just selling
tickets for your thing.
You were probably dropping
bombs yesterday, weren't you?
"Everything's going alright
let's have a chat with my dad."
"He's cool because he is."
You have a go at my mom
with that stab me.
Jimmy, did you meet Rachel?
Darling David.
We're so full tonight. I hate
to be the bearer of bad news.
I'm so proud.
Ollie, I'm dying!
You've done something really
and special, and meaningful.
Any mother-in-law
would be proud of you.
Hold your wife.
Is she okay?
I don't know if she's okay.
If you won't help me...
I'll save you, Gillian.
She's killing herself.
Oh no, she's dying.
I loved you.
All I did was love you.
Her guts are on the floor,
let's put them back in. Sorry.
I'm sorry. I was not doing that.
I was just being stupid.
A bit of a drama queen, isn't she?
It's what she does.
But she loves it.
Yeah, she does, she loves it,
but she's done all of this, mind.
Did she?
Yeah, she did all of that.
Hello, how are you?
Come in here
and doing her thing.
Ollie's father.
Are you around tonight
to come around for dinner?
David, are we around tonight?
Can we go to Clara and dicks
with her and the rest
of the family?
We're doing ribs.
Oh ribs, sorry,
thank you very much.
Are you coming, Ollie pop?
Oh yeah, I'm going.
Ah, good, good.
Thank god for that.
And then make me
not go to that meal?
You were, you stopped me.
Are you... "Making you
not go to that meal"?
We've got to sell some tickets.
You said sorry to me.
I did.
You said sorry and then it was so nice that
we decided to stay in.
And we stayed...
You offered to stay,
I'm making you go.
Suddenly, we're right
back here, aren't we?
We're right back.
Lots of people know her.
Can you stop?
Please stop this, okay?
It is not cool that you
make this whole thing
about motherfucking Rachel.
The Shakespeare
extravaganza is off.
What do you mean off?
We've had some serious health
and safety issues at the theater today.
The theater is closed,
I'm up to my fucking
eyeballs here, mate.
Okay, before you say the theater
is... before you all get all...
"The theater is closed," how long
is it going to take to fix it?
God, we're talking about at
least two, three weeks minimum.
Three weeks. See, he's probably
going to show in four days, mate.
But you can't...
Hold up, what?
I'm not putting the lives of the public
at risk. I'm sorry, but this is it.
I'm going to jump in the Van now.
Shit, yeah.
I'm up to my ankles in shit.
Oh, my god!
I can't come there.
Of course you can, I can't get there
you got to drive me down there.
I didn't realize what time
it is, I have a meeting.
Gillian's going to drive me
down there now in the Van
but I have... have...
I'll speak to you
in a minute, okay?
Okay, on the way, on the way.
Okay, I'm going.
Bye. Come on.
I'm not driving you
down there now.
I actually do have a meeting.
Schedule it again. Change it.
I've been preparing for this.
I've already redrafted the play,
for this very meeting.
I have to go.
There's sewage seeping
all through the place.
Seepage were the words he said.
It's going to be everywhere,
so we can't really just...
I'm going.
No, you can't just go like that.
Where do you think you're going?
Come on!
What are they gonna...
How I'm I going to
get down there now?
You're going to leave
me here like this?
How I'm I
going to get to Mike's?
Are you seriously just going to leave me
here now, knowing you're just
going to leave now? Yeah.
You're just going to drive away now?
But I love you.
What? You've got to be...
She's but...
Oll? What?
I don't know.
I've been walking like...
And you just been...
Hi, hi you.
Look I'm...
You're so funny.
I just want to say
to you straight away
I'm so sorry
that we couldn't make it
last night. I'm so sorry.
Not cool. I knew it was going
to be not cool, but as well.
One cooks and shops
and chops and marinades, and...
Six hours.
Delicious sticky barbecue sauce.
I'm joking.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm joking.
Oh, really?
You believed me.
I did, I totally did
believe you as well, yeah, wow.
Whoa, okay, so we're okay, yeah?
We're fine.
We're good to forget.
We missed you and Gillian.
I did a little thing for her.
Did you?
It's too keen, isn't it?
No, it's just kind of, you know.
It's fine.
She's hard nut to crack,
isn't she?
No, not that, you came into
a slightly tense environment.
I know you're a bit worried
about it, but Gillian
we were talking about you,
you fantastically run the stage.
Yeah, you were in a bunch
of professional actors
and you just kind of,
entered and naturally have a
feel for the language. Stop it.
Yeah, it's just that
Gillian has even mentioned
about you maybe kind of
on a poster
or something if we could...
Okay, you're taking
the Mick now.
I wish I was,
but I'm not. That was all her.
Because I've always thought about it.
It was all her.
We were talking about it.
From women's eyes
this doctrine I derive
to sparkle still the
right Promethean fire.
Hark, what is that I hear?
Gillian's men are slaying?
I must go
in the middle of the night
and seek for all of us comfort.
Look, I'm really sorry,
but I've got to go.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm not
going to always do this to you,
but I've got to get
to the pavilion.
I'll walk with you. Are you sure?
I don't want to force you to go.
No, no. I was going that way.
Yeah, yeah. It is so nice to see you.
Hello, you've got
through to Oliver's phone,
please leave a message
after the tone.
Hi, Ollie, it's Gillian.
I got here in one piece, and...
Listen, I'm sorry for the way
everything just went down.
I was just too nervous
about this morning
and I should have been
more communicative.
I wish I could get you
on the phone.
I was thinking about the show,
and I thought maybe what if we just
changed the venue or like push it back?
I mean these kinds
of things happen.
I mean, this is not the end,
the be-all end-all.
And, anyway, let me know
what you think
and I love you and call
me later. Okay, bye.
Can I show you something? It
started growing. You have as well.
I have.
It does...
Did you just sniff your armpit?
Did you just Your own armpit?
Don't you find it sort of sexy?
No, you don't have to do that.
Why? What?
It's alright, you don't have to.
Come back up here.
Sorry, it doesn't work for me.
Okay. Yeah.
Alright, I don't... it's not you.
I just don't, you know I don't...
Anyone, not with anyone.
I just don't...
I'm not... I just don't.
No, don't come in. Don't come in.
You are not coming in.
The whole thing's fucked up.
Yeah, but it's going to be alright.
No. We've got four days, so that's
going to be plenty of time.
It's not going to be
alright for weeks.
Can I have a look?
You don't want to see.
Look, look.
I do want...
Just cancel it. You're gonna have to do
your Shakespeare somewhere else.
It's off, it's not my problem.
This just seems like such a shame really,
because you put so much work into this.
That's one of the things you
do have, you have a great show,
you have a
talented director,
you have people who are coming.
What you're missing is a venue.
Yeah, we haven't got that anymore, have we?
That's what we've not got, is that.
Why don't I call my dad and see
if we can get like some
sort of temporary structure or
some sort of, I don't know,
uhm, marquee or something.
A marquee would work,
couldn't it?
This is it.
Oh, my god.
My woman cave.
Incredible, isn't it.
God, it's amazing.
It's amazing. It gives me
vertigo just looking at it.
I mean, we can have about
five minutes here.
Thanks, yeah, I'd love that.
Oh, my god.
I know, it's amazing. Oh,
my god, the sound is so good.
I know.
You'd have
to be a trained singer
to make that sound good, but.
It's fun, isn't it?
No, but just hold on.
Don't touch that.
No, I wasn't actually.
It's sort of greaseproof. If you're
worried about how far back it goes
it goes back a fuck up a long way.
Right, yeah.
Their apartment, I think is going to be
on this side and then to the left of it
is going to be, you know,
everything else happened outside
the apartment, but you'll
always see the apartment.
And then I was thinking, when
they're watching that play
you know, I think it's going to
be something a bit like Hamilton.
They're sitting on their chairs,
they're sitting side by side,
the audience is the
audience, who do you fancy?
Then it's really small, like... which is
nice in contrast to how big the room is.
Then he's like "not going to answer
that, that's a trick question."
And then she's like, "just tell me
who you fancy I don't think you want
to fuck them or anything but who do you
fancy?" Oscar, I read your letter.
I don't do it good because I'm not an actor
but... I don't want to go through it.
He's like, "shut the fuck up, Rachel"
you know, because he loves her.
I love saying fuck in this room in
particular because it feels like
such a... with this, the acoustics
in here I think will be really...
If you can get fucking to it,
then that will sell tickets.
As many fucks on the page as you can.
A couple of cunts, that bums on seats.
I can do that. Yeah.
Because you're a female writer
So people, they don't
want to come in
and watch something about
a '50s housewife, you know?
No. They want to come in and
they want to see some fucking
some rimming, and some like,
fisting, and whatever you've got.
I want to eat your body,
I want to eat you.
Like you know when
you love someone so much
that you just
want to consume them?
You wish you could put
that person inside you.
Do you want to go to lunch?
Are you hungry?
Oh, so, okay. Yeah, I am starving actually.
I would love, yeah.
I'm buying.
Thank you.
Oh, it's Gerald.
Right, right, right.
Hi Gerald, it's Rachel.
Thanks for calling me back.
Rachel, dick's daughter.
Dick. Dick.
Yes, his daughter.
Hi, some friends of mine,
lovely people,
they've put together
this Shakespeare festival.
They're really into plays
and actors and things.
And unfortunately, the pavilion
that they were going to host it at
has fallen through.
Yeah, no, I didn't
think that would...
Thank you!
Thank you, Gerald,
that's so kind.
Yeah, I'm on Facebook.
Okay, bye now.
Yeah, bye, will do.
Yeah, bye. Done.
Just done?
Done? We've got a marquee?
We have a marquee.
We've got a marquee! We've got a marquee!
We've got a marquee!
We've got a marquee!
We've got a marquee!
Are you serious?
I mean I...
I made one call.
To the marquee.
To the marquee.
To the marquee.
We've got a marquee.
You've got a marquee.
Don't move.
I've got half a marquee
with you.
I've got half a marquee
with you, mate.
God, it's so slow,
I can't believe it.
Downing one.
Oooh, I just find that
wakes me up for some reason.
I know. No, it burns
really good right here.
Here I'm kind of a big fish
in a small pond,
but I like being a big fish.
Yeah, who doesn't?
Who would want to be
a small fish?
Do you know what I mean? I'm sort of a big
fish in a small pond too in the sense
that amongst my friends
I'm like the loudest,
funniest one.
Yeah, that's so funny,
we have so much in common.
Yeah. I've had several really
terrible experiences with men
and that's what I liked
about your play.
You just captured the complete
pointlessness of men.
I see you as a bright light.
And I mean, you know, there's a point
in your life where you have to say
"I'm great, I'm fantastic.
I am the light. I am the light."
I say it to myself all the time.
"I'm a fantastic woman."
I look in the mirror
and I think:
"Yeah, you don't need anyone."
And who needs a relationship
when they keep fucking you up?
Do you know what I just feel
like you're all the way over there
yeah. And I'm sort of shouting
and there's a space here.
The thing is, I should have
sat there in the beginning
but I really have to go now
why? Because I feel like I've
had one too many already
and I should get going.
You know it's just...
That's a shame, I just feel like we've
got much more to talk about the play.
Do you know what I mean?
I agree actually,
I don't even know
what I was thinking.
I mean what are
your priorities, right?
Are you asking me?
Yeah, I want to get into the core of you.
You've got so much going
for you, you're photogenic.
I don't want to be
like, sleazy about that
but the thing is that sells.
You can do a lot of press.
Oh my god.
So we're going to put you on the poster.
What do you mean I'm going on a poster?
Of course you are.
Shut up. I mean, I would actually like to
keep my face out of it as much possible.
No. I got to put a... no.
You are the play.
I'm the play?
You are the play.
Well, I just sort of thought
the play was the play.
I just think a couple more
of this and the play is on.
Wait, what do you mean
the play is on? Clarify.
Oh, my god, yeah,
the play is on.
Let's get a pen and paper.
No, let's fucking
carve it in my arms.
Let's get another drink.
I would love another one, thank you.
The same again or two?
Two and a shot?
Okay, okay, okay.
Absolutely fine, let's drink up.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
She left me for another woman.
I'm a laughing stock.
She doesn't get you.
She doesn't get you.
She doesn't get essence of me.
Even my kids think I'm an idiot.
Who cares about it?
Who cares, really?
But I still love her.
I love her so much.
Oh, my god.
Look at this hair.
Yeah. Hello,
you alright?
Yeah, I'm good.
What are you doing?
Wait a minute, it's quite
loud here, wait a minute.
Yeah, are you alright?
Yeah, it's all good,
just having a couple of people.
Nothing, just listening to
stuff. Are you alright?
That sounds fun. That sounds
so... I'm still in Cardiff.
It went so well.
So well!
Good, good.
Ollie, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here, I'm here.
I said my play is
going to get produced.
That's great stuff, that's good,
so when are you coming home?
Well, here's the thing I've had
a couple of drinks, not many.
Not like a... just like one or
two, but I don't want to drive
because I think that
would be irresponsible.
I thought you were at a meeting.
I thought you had a meeting.
You're right, I know. I was,
but we had a drink to
celebrate. Because you know...
Are you going to get back then?
Do you want me to come home?
Yeah, of course, I do. You just...
Do you?
Yeah, course I do. Of course, I want
you to come back. I want to come home.
Well, yeah.
Where else are you going to go
if you don't come home?
I love you.
It's good here. It's good, yeah.
Alright, then.
I was hoping...
Just get in a taxi, I'll see you in a bit.
Yeah, I'll jump in a cab.
I'll see you
when you get back here, yeah?
Can I...
Hey, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie.
Wow, we're going there, aren't we?
Do you want to come to my place?
When I meet Gill,
I mean the girl that he meets
sort of this nice, normal girl.
You look amazing in that.
In this?
Slowly kiss me.
Kiss me.
Just kiss you?
You're not scared, are you?
No, I'm just... I'm not.
Oh, my god.
Some more kissing, is it?
Ah, fucking hell.
Oh, my god, babe,
where have you been?
Are you alright?
Where have you been?
I've been out.
I've been out.
Out? That's what I'm going to get? Out?
Come on, how did you not...
I love you. Just come here,
just shut up.
Just shut up,
and come and cuddle.
Do you promise
you'll never leave me?
You alright, babe?
Yeah, I'm good. I feel good.
Are you sure?
30 seconds. 28.
I think it's a really
good thing that it's done.
That we've had this little kind of,
I don't know, little blip.
If we can get through that...
If I can get through that as well
as everything else, we'll be fine.
I would hope so.
You can't hope it,
you've got to be more positive
than that, we will do it.
I do want to say sorry, I don't
want to just brush it off like that.
I am sorry that
I came last night.
Came back this morning actually.
Just forget about it now I guess, yeah?
Just move on from it.
It's a blip and now it's done,
so that's good.
It makes us stronger, actually.
Maybe when we get through
enough off these.
Hopefully, this is the one.
No more of these.
Yeah, well no...
I don't fancy any more of those.
Maybe we'll have a baby?
Yeah, but you have to have
sex with me to have a baby.
Yeah, I know that. We have
sex, we're normally like...
Oh, uhm.
We have some.
We do it a lot at home.
We don't.
We've done it in the kitchen.
We did. We didn't even take our
shoes off and we came in here
and then I did you over
the kitchen thing, didn't I?
I mean, you were having it and
we were on that table. Stop it!
Oh, please, I don't like the way you talk
about me. What are you talking about?
Did you not come fucking...
Like I'm a project. Stop!
I think you were thinking about the moves
then, because we did the moves the first time
and then you wanted the moves again
if I remember. Stop with the moves!
Okay, the...
The fact that you can go
"remember this time, remember
this time, remember this time",
well, it should just
be all one big blur.
You remember the time because
isn't it every day, baby?
I can't do it every... come on you've got to
have a bit of sense now as well, every day?
Cool head, that's just
being daft as well.
Nobody does it every day, you only need
to do it once to have a baby, anyway.
Do we have any garlic? No, I didn't...
sorry I didn't know we needed any.
It'll be a garlic-less
pasta sauce.
Garlic won't make a difference anyway
really. It won't, you know what?
It'll be fine.
Fuck it, it will. Let's not
pretend, right? Already.
I like it anyway.
How is that?
It's alright.
It's alright, yeah.
It's alright.
It's a bit sweet.
It's not the best, not.
No, it was good.
It was a good night.
I'm glad that I went, I'm glad that I
stayed late, not that late obviously
I could have done without that,
but it was good for
the job, it was good
for the relationship, you know.
You want to stay
in their consciousness
you want them to be thinking about you the
next day like "yeah, I love that girl."
She was liking your play.
Liking your play.
She loves my... of course
she loves my play. Good.
That is what's so validating
is just to have someone,
you know, who's not my family member,
not someone who loves me, think that
what I'm making
is brilliant, you know.
It's funny because
she is so fucking smart.
She's so on it, especially
with this kind of stuff.
We really, like, we really
understand, she likes the same plays
and it was just like
boom, boom, boom, boom.
And do you know it's good.
That... this was wild,
but like, I kissed her.
I mean she kissed me, but, yeah.
We kissed.
Like what?
I just... that is so...
It's so not me.
I kissed a girl.
I Li... like snogged.
Like properly like: "Oh, my god, what
am I doing? I must be so drunk."
Wow! Is it just in your 30's
that you start being like:
"Whatever, I'm just going
to kiss some girl now."
I totally kissed her.
I guess I should have done it in high
school and got that out my system.
I'm kind of...
So did I.
Shut up!
What are you... don't even.
You got...
I got kissed by someone as well.
What? That's not the same,
is it though?
No, it's not exactly the same,
but it's...
Similar. It's not. I don't
think it's the same at all.
Other people can kiss girls
as well, not just you, maybe.
Of course they can... of course
other people can kiss girls.
Maybe other girls
want to kiss me.
Maybe somebody
kissed me last night.
I'm sure other people
want to kiss you
I want to kiss you
all the fucking time.
I know somebody else
wanted to kiss me
because I kissed someone
else last night.
A bit of fun.
Wow, who did you kiss?
I don't want to know. I don't
want to know who you kissed.
You do know.
I don't want to know who you kissed.
Actually, just don't even fucking tell me.
I won't then. I won't.
Don't fucking... do not even try.
Whatever you did is not
the same as what I did.
No, I wasn't up all night.
Yeah, just...
Oh, shit!
I forgot the spaghetti.
Do you know what? I cannot believe
what is going on? It's a bit dry.
That was always gonna happen
with that heat on it.
I knew it! I knew Rachel liked you.
I knew she liked you.
Yeah, but it was not...
I knew it. I knew she had a crush on you.
I called it.
It was...
Hi, guys!
Hi! Wow!
Oh, my god!
It's good, isn't it? Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, wow!
Don't let us stop you. If we're in the
middle of it, don't let it stop you, though.
Because we got to...
I'll leave you to it.
Bye, guys.
Okay, bye-bye now, ta-ta.
Bye! Bye!
Thank you for both turning up. We've
got a problem with the actors.
What's wrong?
The actors are saying that they don't think
you were really into this.
That's not the point.
It doesn't matter what I want
and don't want, we're here
to do a job, aren't we, Jeff? Am I not there
and present every fucking day, am I not?
I'm sorry, what more do you want? Do you
want me to love it? Let's do your play.
Just telling you what
the actors have said.
Let's do your play.
What do you mean let's do my play?
What about your mom?
Forget about my mother.
My mother will just sit there
and be happy with anything.
No, she won't be happy.
There's a tent and there'll be a play
and my mother will be happy.
If we do yours, I'll be happy.
It's ready, let's just do it.
Come on, guys.
Let me ask them. Let me just show them
Jeff's right, let's do it.
I want to hear their thoughts.
Let's go and ask them and see.
I want to see who would...
Just give me a second.
Are you guys okay?
Yeah, we're fine.
I used to come down
here with your mother.
Yeah, we were courting.
All those years ago.
Things aren't going the best, really.
What, with you and Gillian?
I've done some things wrong.
What did you... come on.
I kissed Rachel.
It was just...
Just kissed her?
Just kissed her.
She kissed me back.
There's nothing wrong kissing
somebody else, you know, I mean.
Isn't there?
No, Christ no. She's a lovely girl.
She is, yeah.
And I... even an old twat like me
I can realize that she's a very,
very, very attractive girl.
I wouldn't blame you for a minute.
It's a bit more complicated.
It's a bit more complicated.
What, do you mean you...
No, not me
doing anything, but Gillian,
she kissed a lady as well,
though. I kissed a woman
and she kissed a woman.
Oh, god.
I thought that that was
a bloody, you know... but...
One of them women.
Lesbian, dad, you can say it, it's alright.
Alright, a fucking lesbian.
Yeah, you can still say lesbian
without the fucking,
it's alright.
I don't think she is one.
No, I don't think she is either.
Christ, it's just one of those...
You know, one of those...
She did say she was drunk.
There you go then.
There you are.
I mean that's it, isn't it?
It's as simple as that.
You know.
I just love her, dad. I cant...
I know that.
She's a good kid. She's stuck
by you like give, really.
She deserves a medal, actually
for putting up with you.
No, she does.
She does.
Great pep talk, dad.
She deserves a medal
for putting up with me.
It's the beer talking.
The fuck it is.
She has stuck around, though,
hasn't she?
Yeah. I mean, maybe if
you had a job,
a proper, proper job.
Well, I've got a job.
Deejaying is
a proper job, is it?
Well, yeah.
How much do you make on that?
150 quid a week?
A night... 150 quid a night.
A night, how many nights a week?
One night a week.
One night a week, 150 quid a week?
Alright. 150 quid a week,
that's what it's about?
Yeah. Yeah.
What I suggest you do now,
is you go out, right?
Go all the home,
don't stop, okay?
Yeah. You pick up a meal,
takeaway, an Indian or Chinese.
She likes Chinese, doesn't she?
Chinese, okay.
Flowers, right?
Yeah, the full shebang.
Women love that.
They do. You need to
sort it out. Just sort it out.
Just like... I'm young.
Just because you kissed a girl, doesn't
mean you don't love your husband.
I love my husband, that doesn't mean I
don't like to have sex as well with girls.
I think that's what people do
as a rite of passage, isn't it?
He loves girls too,
he loves a girl named Rachel.
That's amazing.
We're not...
We're not the conventional sort.
Matt, wow, hi.
Gillian, been looking for you.
What are you doing here?
Ollie's not here.
I'm not here for Ollie,
I'm here for you.
You got me flowers.
Can you just listen.
I just want to talk to you,
if that's alright?
You know I went to London
and I went
to get away because
you're with my mate
and that's not right
that I should have the thoughts
that I have, but I have them
and I've decided...
Hold on right there.
Just come in, come in a sec.
I would like that very much.
What are you talking about?
It made me realize something.
The right thing to do,
is to be with you.
Now, I know that maybe you think
"you like, as in you like writing"
and maybe you think I can't be
that sort of guy, but I can be.
I wrote you a poem.
Can I read it to you?
Oh, yeah, please,
I'd love to hear your poem.
I've never written before,
I've done this for you.
It's called Gillian.
I think of you night and day and
how you'd be the greatest lay.
I think of us together at last.
I think of banging you
out on the grass
to kiss your neck would be my task,
but in the end, I'd want your ass.
There is no one finer
from here to north Carolina,
and if you don't mind,
I'd like to kiss your vagina.
Oh, my god, yeah.
That was so good.
Hello, babe, you alright?
I feel like I'm deep inside you.
If she's in there with you,
I'm coming in now!
I'm just telling you now,
GILLIAN: Don't be so fucking loud.
I don't know what's going...
You alright, mate?
You know it's not been right
between you two
and you know it's always
been right between us.
You need someone your own size,
and she's my fit.
In many ways, I've done you a favor.
You need to just stop. Just go.
I'll be waiting.
I don't think?
I know. What are you...
What are you doing?
You fell in love with someone.
Oh, god!
"In love with someone."
Of course I'm not.
I don't believe it for a second.
I think you're just saying that
and I think you've fallen in love
with her, and I think you kissing her
is worse than any fucking dick I
could take in my pussy, right now.
I'm in love with you. What the fuck
do you mean with some connection?
I don't believe you for a second
that you're in love with me.
I can see
you connecting just now.
You've had a woman and man.
I've just have one kiss.
What are we even doing?
I don't know,
I'm not doing anything.
You're the one doing everyone.
That's the thing,
that's the thing.
You think that, is you think you're
not doing anything. Get out.
Come on, grow up.
What do you mean, "get out"?
"Come on, grow up." Why am I
grow... grow up? Get out. Get out!
Get out!
We are not doing well. Get out!
No, no. You get out!
Get out of my mother's house!
How's that?
Oh yeah, it's your mommy's house.
You get out.
Whose house is it?
Stay in mommy's house, then.
Don't bring my mother
into it, now!
You're disgusting kicking a woman
out of her own fucking house.
Oh, fuck off!
I'm going do really... I'm going to
surprise you now. Okay, are you ready?
I'm ready?
Oh, my god, you don't do it.
Left handed.
That's a fit.
I'm gonna be off a new drill.
Are you ready? I'm
going to throw to you, right?
Oh, sorry babe, I didn't mean to...
That one hurt. All of me, that was
all on me, that was my throw.
Come here, come here.
My fault. More?
Better, yeah?
Thank you.
Oh, yes! Did you see the way
you did that? Straight up, like a boom?
You like when
I go like that? Frisbee.
You look gorgeous.
You're having a think?
Are you having a think?
It's going to take a while?
Can you have a think in the car?
It's just,
I forgot WWE Smackdown
and it's on in 23 minutes.
Hey, Matt.
Do you like the beach?
Yeah, I love it.
You know how
parents take like a shell
and they put it to your ear, and they
GO: "You know, that's the ocean."
Yeah. My dad did that. He
said: "This is the sea."
And then, you listen and
it's like.
It sounds like the sea,
but actually it's not.
What is it? It's just the way
that the shell is structured
and then, you look
like a fucking idiot
when you finally tell someone:
"That's the sea in there." And
they're like: "No, it's not."
And I know he wasn't lying, he
was just trying to make it nice,
but it actually did end up being a
lie because then you believe it
and then, you look like a fucking idiot.
It's horrible, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it sounds like it was
quite a long time ago, though,
so, probably best not
to think about it anymore.
Do you ever think
about what love is?
Actual love?
Yeah. What is it? What do people mean?
Because it's this myth, isn't it?
It's just a concept.
No. Love is a thing.
What is it?
It's a chemical reaction in the body.
I look at you, and I love you
and what that means is,
I see you.
The image pass through
my eyes to my brain
down to my heart,
and into my knob
and I get a boner,
and that means I love you,
and you reciprocate it.
You look at me, and you
see me through your eyes
and it goes through your head,
through your heart
and you get wide on. And, if I have a boner
and you have a wide on, that's love.
If I have a boner,
and you don't have a wide on
that's unrequited,
and vice versa.
And when we kiss, that's
soulmates, for that moment.
Yeah. I think you're right.
I am right. I think you are right.
That's it, though. It's just simple.
It's just simple.
It's just...
People have been writing
what they've been writing
creating what they've been creating
the messes they've been making
and the people they've
been murdering for this
all because they're
fucking horny.
You might be right.
I'm completely right.
I've proved it many times.
You love me?
Right now,
I love the shit out of you.
Do you want to love me
in the Van?
I want to love you
till you're dead.
Okay, in the car.
Take me to the Van.
One second, let me adjust this.
You lie down,
I'm just going to climb on.
Fucking hell, hold on.
That's so nice.
That is... wait.
Wait, wait let me just
get my leg. It's cramping.
If you just stay still, I can just do it.
If you just stay right...
Just stick your tongue out.
What are you doing?
I'm doing 20 minute intervals,
you know what I mean, so that...
We're to start with this
and we're going to move on
To different... yeah.
I'll let you know.
I have a clue.
I've got the phone
right here, baby.
That is it?
This is the...
So, this is it?
This is the tent?
This is all yours?
It's mine and Oliver's.
The... generally...
Hi. Good morning.
You got this for me?
Yeah, I know you like it.
Alright, mate.
Alright, yeah.
Thank you.
I only got one,
I didn't know he was coming.
That's alright, mate.
Coffee is bad for you.
How is this feeling for you now?
Is this all looking right?
Oh, wow. Okay.
Did you do this?
And Tony set it all up.
Did you put up that fabric?
Yeah, I put it over the thing.
That's great. Thank you.
It's small, because
the ratio of the stage
to the tent
is a little bit weak.
It's more than weak, yeah.
You can put stuff up to break up
the white a little bit. Twigs.
I hate the twigs.
I really hate the twigs.
Do whatever you want, I'm not... I'll
give them a try. I will give them a try.
Yeah? Or we'll get something
else, then, maybe?
I think you're right
about the foliage, actually.
Can I...
And you want these?
Yeah, we can put those
wherever you want.
Mate, can I have a word?
Yeah, sorry, I've just got to go and
have a word. Just be a minute, babe.
I'll just be a second, now.
Yeah, be nice.
I re-did the life table.
Scores have changed.
I'm amazed
you're still doing this?
you, blank. Jeff, spots.
Jeff, standard as usual.
Girlfriends, me way more. Whys?
Yes, you had one, but I fucked her.
One nighters, loads more.
Cool jobs, me,
way more. Holidays...
Cool jobs?
Yeah, mate. I'm a personal trainer.
Are you?
Yes, mate.
Are you actually a personal trainer?
Yes, mate.
Or... I work with women. I
make their butts bigger.
Yeah, I'm a DJ. You are wedding DJ.
It's not quite the same.
What do you want? I've had the
time of my life again? Alright.
I've got a residency. You're like an uncle.
You are a resident uncle.
I do birthday parties and
I do any celebration you want
really, I can go around.
I do all of the stuff.
Moving on, holidays...
Look, I gave you that.
Friends, even.
Fashion, no competition.
Feasance, no competition,
anal, although, look, there was that one time you
told me about but I'm sure that was a mistake.
True love.
True love? How have you done that?
I should be at the top of that. Give me...
You can't just be doing that, "true love"
just all of a sudden... Jeff's
on the same as me as true love.
Mate, what did Rihanna say?
"All's fair in love and war."
Look, okay. All is fair and
all that, but come on, now.
You've had a bit of
a laugh now, right?
You've done that now, just...
I've done that a few times.
What do mates do?
They step aside
when a mate finds love.
Exactly, mate. So...
And they let love bloom.
Aside, out of your... You two,
would you mind? I'm just
trying to work over here.
Just keep it down a bit.
Do you need any help moving anything?
I can move the whole thing
if you need it.
We don't need
the whole thing moved
we just need that moving.
We just...
How much of the stuff did you need moved?
I can move stuff, as well.
I'm just trying to focus,
it's hard to focus.
Alright, sorry.
It's okay.
That's a bit childish, isn't it?
Bit childish,
doing that like that.
Is it like that?
Go on.
Get off.
What's that?
This needs redoing?
What're you doing there?
For a draw? It was a draw, mate.
Is there a plug hole in the tent?
I love the tent.
I really love it.
It'll break up the white.
Why have you brought a Frisbee
I thought we were working out.
Okay, catch it.
Just keep your eye on it,
and then you definitely
will catch it.
Alright, throw it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Matt, what are you doing?
Matt, not right here.
I just wanted to play Frisbee.
That's all I wanted.
Get on my back.
Because we're doing a workout.
I wanted to show you something.
And now what? Well, if you're
not going to do it properly,
forget it.
But I'm just doing
what you told me to.
You're being heavier on purpose.
Is that it?
Where'd the Frisbee go, then?
Fuck the Frisbee.
Let's go get back.
We've got to set up
the barbecue.
We hardly played.
It's okay.
It's going to be okay.
It's all going to be fine,
and I'm sorry for...
Oh, yeah, no, there's nothing
to be sorry about.
Oh, no, I feel really
awful about it.
Don't feel awful about it.
I mean, I didn't feel awful...
Kissing you was nice.
Just was a happy moment.
It was just a happy moment.
It was just a happy moment.
I have to get her back.
What if we go to the barbecue?
Who's barbecue?
Matt's having a barbecue
at his parent's house.
If we turn up together then,
go in there fairly strong,
and then you get straight in
in between Matt and Gillian,
and just take him away.
Oh, I see.
Just get him away,
because he'll be really into
the way you look, and stuff. If you can
just then keep him out of the way,
it would just
really let me get...
I see what you're saying.
You really want her back,
don't you?
I don't know
what to do without her.
Oi, you're not vegetarian, are you?
You're not vegetarian, are you?
Thank god for that.
It is very picnicky. Heads up.
Oh, shit.
In scene two, she already feels
like their marriage
is falling apart
And she says: "Who do
you fancy in here?"
It is a trick question.
If you ask someone
who you're with, if they fancy...
Who they fancy, what do
you think they mean?
They mean...
Hang on, if you ask me "who do I fancy?"
Thank you.
I was just on the phone
to one of my actors,
she's a fucking nightmare.
She's trying to infuse her own
meanings into my writing.
All I want her to do, is
simply say the line, you know.
Like I don't actually need her
to do like pregnant pauses.
Oh, yeah.
But anyway, I just told her that.
Please, just say the lines.
What did she say?
She said: "Sure." But listen
I just don't have a good
relationship with these actors.
They hate me,
they think I'm some sort
of controlling bitch,
but I am, because it's my play.
Yeah, you're the boss.
I'm just going to
spread this blanket out.
It's a nice blanket.
Yeah, it's a solid blanket.
Do you want to come
on the blanket with me?
Well, I mean,
I'm still cooking, so.
Very soft.
Do you want to come
lie down on it with me?
I can't take my eyes of this, you
overcook these, you ruin it.
But I wanted to celebrate.
What do you mean?
Well, I want to have
a celebratory shag.
In your mom's garden.
What are you celebrating?
My play being produced, finally.
Yeah, in a tent
for like 40 people.
It's good.
It's something.
Some people never get that,
not even a tent.
That's true.
Listen, I'd love to shag you,
but Jeff is coming around,
and my mom could walk in.
What we have is like...
It's more than just sex.
Not just... you can't just
have sex all the time.
I love sex, I'm all about sex,
but the fact is,
there is more to life.
Sometimes I just want
to know about you.
The real you.
Should I have brought some meat?
No, I don't think so.
I haven't bought anything,
not even sausage.
Don't worry about that,
guys, I'm not sure
this is a good idea.
It'll be fine.
It's okay, we've got quite a robust plan.
Guys, I mean... You'll be fine.
You'll be fine. You'll be
absolutely fine, you'll have a lovely time,
and I'm going to...
Yeah, that'd be great.
What a lovely house. Yeah, it's his parents'
house, it's not his. It looks good.
Jeffrey! How are you?
I've got some people with me.
Great, the more the merrier.
Rachel, do you remember me?
Fucking hell, you look great.
Hello, mate.
You know Oliver.
Hi, mate. Thank you.
Alright, you're alright, mate.
Do you mind if I...
What a lovely barbecue.
I bought some extra corn just
in case any more women were coming.
So corn for the girls...
Meat for the boys.
Oh, that's considerate.
What're you doing here?
Jeff asked me to come along.
Okay, but why did you
come to the barbecue?
I wanted to see you.
It's quite hot with that there, isn't it?
I like it.
What about you, I mean...
God, well I've been travelling
a lot, actually, for work.
Have you?
Can I ask you something?
Go on.
I don't want to be rude, but
could you open your coat a bit?
Just a bit so I could see just
what's going on under there?
Yeah, that is tremendous.
You see how I handled that.
Very good.
And then it just goes away.
I prefer that thing that I do,
like that.
That's just work, is it? What kind of
work you do? What are you doing now?
You're working with bats?
Fuck me, well that's great.
I mean, you could, if you want.
That is good. Do you know what?
For someone your size and shape,
that is solid.
Thank you.
Remember that barbecue
we had down on the beach?
I looked really young.
Look, what you've done to me.
It's alright.
I like your wrinkles.
There are no wrinkles!
Okay. Sorry,
there are no wrinkles.
If there were, I'd like them.
I know you would.
I started doing poetry now,
so I'm not just,
you know, a muscle man.
I'm also an artist.
It's like:
Look at you, look at you,
your eyes so brown
I'd really like to hear
your sex sound
I'd like to lie down
with you on your front
or turn you over
and ignore your...
I just have lots of things... I
have other ideas that I have.
So good.
Poetry? Since when?
Since ages. It's just like
I look at something
and if I'm inspired by it,
then I'll do a poem like:
Jeffrey, Jeffrey,
your timing's quite shit.
Jeffrey, Jeffrey, could you
get the fuck out of it?
Jeffrey, Jeffrey,
we've got a thing happening.
Jeffrey, Jeffrey,
your presence is crappening.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to
hold on to something.
I don't work without you.
Simple as that, I just
don't... work without you.
Don't call him.
Could you take me back
to your flat, please?
I'm sort of alright here
with Rachel, as it goes.
Oh yeah.
We're really getting on.
We haven't...
Okay, no, no, enjoy.
You can't leave now.
It's for the best, isn't it?
It's all okay.
Take care.
You know, for someone so fit,
she's really like complicated.
What, because she looks like
that, she can't be complicated?
I just think,
why bother, like...
Why bother with what?
With what? Just coming
and taking her off me, breaking
her heart, breaking my heart?
Listen, if you want her back,
you know, I wish you luck, mate.
That's it, so I just have her back, now?
That's it, so you've moved on, now?
I'm saying you should fight for her
because she's, you know, a nightmare
and I want you to have that.
So, you want...
You know what, I do want that,
and I wouldn't
make it a nightmare.
What have I said mates are for?
Mates are for stepping aside when...
Okay, thank you for
stepping aside.
...Love is in the way.
It's always,
always going to be complicated
and you're never
going to have a nine to five.
He knew very well who I was
when he married me.
And he loved it.
So, we've accepted
that there are complications
with me constantly changing,
being a fucking moody bitch,
and he has to adjust to that
and I have to adjust to him.
He worships me.
I mean, he did.
He used to,
just not at the moment.
Is it cold, though?
It is cold. It is cold.
It is cold.
You've got your play,
you've got your play,
finally, Gillian.
And you're miserable.
The fuck!
Am I going to be the only one
sitting at my fucking play?
I want him to care about me.
I really do want him to.
I care about...
I care about him seeing it.
I need him to see it,
I want him to see it, I want...
Say hello, we'll
send this one to your mom.
Hi, Janet.
Should I try the trick?
Wind's going to take it.
Go on.
How the fuck did I hurt myself?
Did it hurt you?
But you could have
had it differently.
He could've sat there with you,
watching your play with you
being so fucking proud of you.
Oh, god. Please show up, please
show up, please show up.
Dear, Oliver,
I'm not the perfect wife,
that's for sure, and I realize
you could leave at any point
and make someone else
wildly happy,
but please, please stick around.
I'm getting there.
Love, honey-pie.
How are you gonna pitch it?
I'm just going to go in, I'm going to say:
"I think you need to come and see this."
I'm going to give him another try.
It's not going to work,
I just called him a second...
Straight to voicemail.
Like I said, I just called him.
It went straight to voicemail.
Oliver! It's Jeffrey!
Call me!
We're going to just have to presume
that we're going ahead without him.
So, you've tried him, I've
left him multiple text messages,
I'm sure.
Does he not care?
That's what I don't understand,
does he not care?
I'm sure he... you know what,
actually, I don't care.
No, I care about this,
I don't care.
If he makes it, he makes it.
Okay, you go, and I'll park up.
See you in a sec.
I'm sorry.
Hello, are you Jerry?
Please don't touch me.
You need to come with me now.
Would you be willing to
do that with me, now?
Get your hands off me,
I don't want you touching me.
Jerry. Sorry about him.
Hi, I'm Rachel. You don't know me,
You don't know my friend.
I wondered if there's any way
that we could show you
this performance?
I feel like I'm in a piece
of theater right now.
Just a bit of a different way. I'm
used to people just posting a script.
Right, no, obviously.
I've heard a lot about you.
You've a very good
reputation in the industry.
Who told you that?
I googled it.
You googled me, did you?
Yeah, it's quite
an impressive thread.
You are winning me over,
sort of mesmerizing me into
like going somewhere with you.
Is he coming too, this oaf?
Yeah, this way, yeah.
Excuse me, sorry, hi.
Actually, we're
not quite ready yet,
almost though. So, just
wait over there a minute.
Hi. Yeah, not ready yet,
almost, you're early.
Hi, Jeff.
We're going to just have
to start without olly.
Okay. Alright.
Everyone, hi.
Thanks for coming.
Boy, what a show we've
got for you tonight.
This is actually written by
a new writer, Gillian Walker.
So, please, come in,
take a seat and enjoy the show.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Not you.
Not me, alright.
I feel like I'm in prison.
Yes, I know what you mean.
Is that intended?
Jilly wanted to have a kind of
incarcerated beat
in the narrative.
Just on to that, next.
Okay, I'm feeling a bit manhandled, now.
It's about oppression of women, right?
Yeah, I'm getting it right
because I felt like he's
my owner, or my executioner.
Watch your head, get in.
Okay, everything is going
to be absolutely fine.
Who do you fancy?
Who do I fancy?
In here, right now. If I wasn't
around, who'd you be eyeing up?
That's a trick question, I'm not
falling for that. Who do you fancy?
Where are we now?
Very nearly there. This
is your new theater space.
Your new theatrical experience.
Why are you so defensive?
It's not like I'm saying: "Pick
someone and fuck them," is it?
You're being silly, Jill and I'm
not playing your games. Who do you fancy?
Cracking ass.
My ass.
Your ass is middle-aged,
flabby and spotty.
Oi, that's... well, yeah,
actually that's fair enough.
Literally, it was exhausting,
like all the
things that are awesome
in the world, at one time.
Forget about it.
He was so embarrassed, he
didn't have a clue where to look.
If he wants to
fuck around with Raquel...
But John said she was okay.
Tits, ass, fannies, cocks.
Oh, my god, that sounds amazing!
It was bad. Until he didn't get
up with the kids in the morning.
It was your turn.
I was pounded last night,
I'm still sore.
Oh, I can feel your pain!
Slow. Deep, deep slow.
Move, deep, move!
I feel so lonely.
I love you.
I never want to be
without you again.