Wished (2017) Movie Script

Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.
Just enjoying a late supper, been busy.
This is bird's nest soup, it's fantastic.
My name's Shangguan Furong.
You folks like to call me
the Goddess of Fortune.
Some like to call me an Earth Goddess.
Hot guys like to call me... often.
Follow me.
I know what you're thinking.
This gal's hot.
How could she be an Earth Goddess?
What era you think we're in?
You think I'm so out of touch
I'd walk around looking like a hag?
You see, as an Earth Goddess,
most of my day is devoted
to screwing with people.
Hiding winning lotto tickets,
making money you lost
show up in couch cracks,
kicking guys in the nuts,
stepping on girls' shoes...
It's diverse, but it has to get done.
But every so often I help a human.
The Earth Goddess code is:
Aid humans, if you feel like it.
Catchy, right?
My style from back in the day.
Bitches were so jealous of me.
But I didn't invite you here
to talk about how awesome I am.
Although it's clear I'm seriously awesome.
I want to tell you the story
of how I single-handedly
turned Ma Fendou's life around.
Since you're here, pay attention.
Don't play with your phone,
and if you have to tinkle, hold it.
Or use a bottle or a plastic bag.
when it came to this Ma kid,
I liked the cut of his jib.
I decided to help him.
Oh Furong, I love it when you help people.
It's so sexy.
I know what you're thinking.
Who the hell is Ma Fendou?
What's so special that I chose him?
You like to say you're in
control of your destiny.
Are you really in control of your fate?
Well, he was asking himself
the exact same question.
Bet you the kids down there are thinking,
who are the morons on stage?
I don't get it.
Why are you so eager to come back here?
Weren't you bullied enough here?
Ain't worried.
I've still got you here.
No thanks.
I lost two teeth on account of you.
I'd like to keep the ones on this side.
You know I love you.
All right, quiet down.
Okay, students.
Today we've invited several
of our school's alumni to be here.
To share personal experiences
in their respective industries.
Hey, Fei
Miss Chen.
Holy moly.
She's still here!
That woman
makes my wife look like bat barf.
In the past, the speakers we've invited
have all been CEO's,
CFO's, COO's and the like.
This year, I've invited several alumni
who are a little different.
But of course, for what they do,
they're also successful.
And now,
let's welcome...
Ma Fendou.
Go get 'em, bro!
Hello, teachers, students.
I'm Ma Fendou.
I'm an...
I work for Huansheng...
You're just a dumbass insurance salesman!
My nuts!
Sorry, I booked this taxi. I'm in a hurry.
What? I'm in a hurry too.
Come on, please!
Hey, taxi!
Mr. Bo,
You haven't told me how
big your company is,
but no matter how big it is,
these options, like:
extra rider B
are not necessary for you.
Honestly, they're scams.
You'd be wasting money if you buy it.
As a kid, I always thought
my life would turn out amazing.
Maybe that's why people
said you were retarded.
Yo, Fen!
Hey, Wang.
Long time no see.
You weren't at the class reunion.
What's up?
Heard you're working at a shipping company?
You're thinking of Li.
I'm at --
-- that's great!
I got a meeting.
Hang soon!
Take it easy.
Look at yourself!
You look like my uncle's nutsack.
Stop yelling.
Quick, look!
Your ex-girlfriend.
- Meimei and I have great chemistry.
- It's on again.
A hot physical connection.
- Turn it off.
- And it just gets better.
But when a friend told us
about Goddess 2-in-1 Massage Lotion,
we decided to give a try.
- Turn it off!
- Let's just say...
This shit's the funniest!
Hmm, exactly.
Why aren't you watching?
It's classic!
Stupid infomercial's on every hour.
Can't miss it even if you try.
It totally should be!
Kai Li and I tried that stuff.
The results are indeed...
"Hmm, exactly."
Hurry. Your phone.
Hey, quick! Lotion girl!
Hi Shanshan.
Thought you wouldn't pick up again.
Yeah, sorry.
I've just been really busy lately.
Oh. Thats good.
So, how are you?
How's Hong Kong?
Kongers staying off your back?
I'm actually in Beijing now.
You're moving to Hong Kong,
I don't see how this
relationship will work.
This again!
I'm not immigrating there.
I'll be back after I finish that class.
I feel like you deserve better than me.
That's a lot of pressure.
When have I ever complained?
I always thought...
my life would be more than this.
Should we... meet up or something?
Fendou, I'm getting married.
To whom?
Are you serious?
I really don't know.
My boyfriend. Who else?
I thought you guys just met.
That was like six months ago.
For the past six years,
you're all I've thought about.
So it's my fault?
I'm not saying it's your fault.
But I feel we should...
take some time off...
I need to adjust my life.
I don't get it.
You don't want to be with me anymore?
Who knows what will happen in 6 months.
That's awesome.
I mean I...
When's the wedding?
This Sunday.
This Sunday?
Wow, thats...
I mean, you must be so happy.
You got the license so fast.
No, we're going to register in Hong Kong.
But since my family and
friends are all here,
my parents are having
this celebration first.
I thought of inviting you,
No, it's cool.
It'd be too awkward.
I get it. It's all good.
Feel's strange
being back and not seeing you.
No worries.
I'll call you to catch up.
Okay, bye.
You alright?
I'm good!
The burden is lifted, man.
I can finally move on.
Go man. Since you moved in,
all I see is your undies.
You've always been jealous of me.
Kai Li even said,
from a 45 degree angle,
I look like her idol Daniel Wu.
I'm doing the ad just for
fun -- and a few bucks.
I'm going to Hong Kong anyway.
I haven't given up my dreams of
being a top interior decorator.
Thank you.
This song again!
Your recent sales reports show
you haven't been selling our new products.
That's because they're pointless.
I'm not selling pointless products.
Don't we want the clients to trust us?
What's going on with you?
Look at Taozi.
He's like the son I never had.
Stop repeating what grandpa told you.
What? He's the son I never had.
Instead, you're the son I had.
Makes perfect sense.
Look at what he's doing!
What about it?
If you can't sell, you might as
well just play with your balls.
Look at your mother.
That's what delivering looks like.
Look, top brass has made it clear,
if you don't start improving your figures,
I'm afraid even your mom
and I can't save you.
I think this time, he gets it.
You spoiled him.
He's got no fight in him.
Just look at him.
How do I get insurance around here?
Reminder, mandatory
team-building game's at 3pm.
You're not happy here, are you?
At this job?
Here. There.
You've been unhappy recently.
How do you --
I know a lot of things, Niu Fendou.
It's Ma Fendou.
I was just like you.
Well, maybe not just like you.
Wait, actually, I was nothing like you.
That's weird. Why would I say that?
But I've seen people like you.
Miss, what exactly can I do for you?
You're here for insurance, or...
I'm here to help you.
Help me?
Oh, am I ever.
I got it.
Bro, you got a package!
What's wrong with you?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Don't worry, Yang Fendou, he can't see me.
Who's this?
I meant he can't see the real me.
The scared little girl inside
who misses her father and what-not.
Aren't you gonna open it?
Let's open it.
Hey, Mr. Bo.
Mr. Bo, I'm sorry.
I busy with a client now.
I'll call you back later, okay?
Sure, cool.
Real sorry. Cheers.
I'll be leaving.
I'll be back.
Uh, okay.
Who's it from?
Don't know. No return address.
Maybe it's a box of lotion!
What the hell is this?
Plastic money?
"Everything You've Ever Wanted"
You piss somebody off?
Yeah right.
I know who sent it.
The crazy lady who was just here,
spouting weird things,
and wearing a gold money necklace.
That chick definitely wants to bang you.
Think about it.
She got straight to the point.
Everything you've ever wanted.
And, quite honestly bro,
maybe what you want,
is exactly what that ol' lady can give you.
Very funny.
No, seriously.
Have you been with a woman since Shanshan?
Have you?
Time out.
You're up.
No need, chief, I'm fine!
You are our best 3-point shooter.
No, we better not risk it.
Not sure if your coverage is high enough.
Don't rush it!
Pass to me! Over here!
Hey, here!
Go! Go!
Man, you're hopeless.
Son, are you okay?
"We may lose, but we never give up!"
"We may lose, but we never give up!"
Get the ball.
Lin, is your foot okay?
Get back in.
At least you guys made it to the finals.
Dude, it's gonna get better.
Yeah? When?
Kill me now.
A bus? It's on buses now?
You should be happy for her.
She seems to be doing better.
I am happy for her.
I just don't want to see her everywhere.
I just wanna say one thing.
That lube is the best!
Ugh, that burger isn't settling well.
I'm gonna get another.
So, you want it?
Lady, listen,
I'm flattered,
but you're not exactly my type.
I'm not after sweaty cougar sex, Niu Niu.
Unless that's what you're after.
We can arrange it.
Who are you?
And my name is Ma Fendou,
not Niu Fendou,
and definitely not Niu Niu.
My name is Shangguan Furong.
And I'm the Earth Goddess
in this part of town.
I'm sure you know what that is.
Oh really?
For reals, squirt!
You can call me Furong.
whatever you say.
Do you want it?
Want what?
Yes or no?
I don't even know what
you're talking about!
If it's something good,
of course I want it.
All right.
I will grant 19 of your old wishes,
starting from the first wish
you ever made until today.
Wow. Impressive.
19 wishes?
When was my first wish exactly?
When you were six years old.
Hey, exactly twenty-something
years ago today.
I'm already in my 30's, OK?
That doesn't matter.
What matters is you made the wishes.
Yeah, and then?
Then from your many wishes, I choose 19,
and make them come true.
The 19 miracles of Ma Fendou!
Look, lady.
Thanks for the crazy,
but that's a nice cool area there,
why don't you go scam them?
This isn't a scam.
It's an incredible opportunity.
And how should I thank you?
Just give me your soul.
Just kidding.
I'm an Earth Goddess, not the Grim Reaper.
The hell am I gonna do with a soul?
Okay, gotta bounce.
You made a good choice.
Wait. What choice?
I didn't choose anything.
And thus, you've chosen everything.
Who you talking to?
The nutjob from the office.
I saw you talking to someone,
but I didn't see anyone.
I saw you talking to someone,
but I didn't see anyone.
What do you mean?
Nah, I'm just messing!
What's the plan? You hooking up?
When you guys going out?
I don't know,
5' 4"... maybe 5' 5"?
No, I didn't say she dressed like a deity.
She said she was one.
You're the cops! Who else would I call?
How can you stink so bad
when you barely played?
Hang up and take a shower bro!
They hung up on me!
Look, if that crazy
chick wanted to kill you,
she would have done it in the restaurant.
So go shower, you smelly smelly bitch.
Is your water working?
Guess not.
Why isn't mine?
What the--!
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Crazy shit's happening!
Tell me about it.
I think I've got hair growing on my ass.
How does that happen?
No, man! The water!
The water...
when I poured it on me,
the water split, it avoided me!
How is that possible!
Keep yelling, maybe water fairies will come
then we can really have some fun.
Come and look if you don't believe me!
I can't take a shower!
Come to my bathroom. I'll show you.
If you're trying to get me
to look at a big dump you
took, don't flush.
I'll check it out tomorrow. I promise.
I'm not messing with you.
I'm seriously freaking out here!
And I'm seriously trying to sleep, bro.
I have an early shift!
Wait, I got it.
You got hit in the head with a basketball.
You're probably just hallucinating.
It's probably just a little brain damage.
You just need a good night's sleep.
Could be, huh.
What's up?
How are you here?
It was you!
Did you slip me something?
Why are you messing with me?!
I'm not doing anything to you.
They're your wishes, remember?
My wishes?!
What the hell you talking about?!
When you were six, you hated taking baths.
You wished to never take another one.
When you were seven-and-a-half,
you wished you never had to sleep.
I hooked it up.
Awesome, right?
Just think of all the
fun things you can do,
read, watch movies, play video games,
tweet, chat...
all while smelling like ass.
What time is it?
Hit me, hit me.
Hey Furong, how come you're still here?
I'm still eating.
You freak!
Strange woman sitting here,
wearing PJs,
eating breakfast in our home,
and you don't think it's weird?
I got thirsty last night,
and saw her eating snacks here.
We chatted a bit.
Have a drink.
Thought you let this Earth Goddess in.
What's wrong?
He can't read the clock.
Doesn't know the numbers.
Why can't I read the numbers?
When you were 9, you had trouble in school.
One day in class, he quietly said:
I wish I don't have to know math.
- Classic!
- Are you serious?
I wanted to get out of math
class, not be innumerate!
Semantics man, semantics.
Quick! What's 3 times 5?
Don't think. What's three times five?
Just say what it is. Quick!
Three times five, I know.
Don't think! Don't think! Say it!
I know it, it's easy.
I don't even know what
three and five look like!
That rocks!
No! It doesn't rock!
You keep slamming the table. I'm out.
Wait! Stay right there!
Take back your witchery!
See you.
You're screwing with my life.
Not like you were doing
anything interesting with it.
She's got a point.
Whose side are you on?
But she's got a point.
If things get too tough,
and you need to talk,
you know what to do.
No I don't.
How do I find you? You have a cell phone?
Don't go!
I'm going back to bed.
Are you serious?!
What? It's six in the morning.
How is this not freaking you out?
A magical woman
was sitting over there
granting my old wishes.
That doesn't scare you?!
I'm in the delivery business, dude.
I've seen some pretty weird shit.
Like this?!
Not unlike this.
My ass you have!
You wanna see my diary?
Fine, I'll show you.
This is exactly
why I can't talk to you about work.
What the hell is this?
I couldn't sleep after
I went to the kitchen.
Watched a bit, why?
Why is it my parents?!
Thought you were OK with
me watching their movies.
Their movies?!
Since when are my parents porn stars?!
I'd hardly call them porn stars.
It's strictly educational material, man!
Someone had to be in them.
Plus, compared to what
you can find on-line,
this is Teletubbies shit.
I never wished my parents were porn --
Oh, shit.
Xu Ruijie!
What about him?
Oh, right...
you mean because his parents
made sex-ed videos too.
Pretty strange huh,
two kids in the same class whose parents
did it on camera for a living.
My parents never did,
Xu Ruijie's parents did!
When I was a kid,
I always wished my parents
were more like his.
They were fun, cool, loving...
Hey yo, for the record,
I was only watching it for science.
Don't get the wrong idea.
So, in your memory,
my parents have always made these videos?
You really have no memory of this?
In my memory they sell insurance.
Your parents are like a hundred years old.
I'm sure they haven't
made a video in years.
What the -- someone filming something?
A passionate tryst in the kitchen
can really get things cooking.
Let's see this older couple
and this new position they're in.
Wait. Stop.
Sorry, director.
What's that smell?
Don't worry, it's not you.
You're fabulous.
People, we've got a smell.
Someone take care of it.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Who is it? I don't have my glasses.
Your son.
What the hell are you guys doing?
Fendou, you still don't get it?
Were helping society.
What's that gotta do with it?
Hey, Fendou,
your parents help elderly couples.
Forget it, he's never going to understand.
Who watches this crap anyway?
Hey! We sell big in
southeast Asian markets.
can I have a word with you?
Okay, let's get ready for the next shot.
Be ready for the next position in 5.
Everybody take a break.
You're pressing too hard!
- Take a break.
- I could barely breathe.
Know why I wished my parents
were more like Xu Ruijie's parents?
Because his parents were nice to him.
But look,
my parents treat me
exactly the same as before,
except now they're porn actors!
Which makes them more
like Xu Ruijie's parents.
Another wish granted.
You traitor!
You think that was a little harsh?
It's called tough love, Li Fei.
And sometimes
it's the only love people respond to.
I have problems too, you know.
I'm not omnipotent.
I still carry my husband's
protection talisman.
If I'm stuck, I'm forced to call on him.
I'm fully aware,
of the people burning
incense at the temple,
very few ever burn any for me.
Typical sexism.
They think Earth Gods have stronger powers.
Fine, but don't bitch behind my back.
An Earth God
shares goodies with mortals,
but Earth Goddess doesn't like
sharing, and denies things.
Since when did I not share?
Even the apples offered me
at shrines, have worms.
Let me ask you this, Li Fei.
If some kid wants to pig
out on a hundred candy bars,
am I supposed to just grant it?
If I did, wouldn't I be hurting the child?
Am I right?
so can I be in the next scene?
What are you...?
I just... some stuff you left.
I wasn't sure if I should...
Glad to see you.
I know.
Are you okay?
Yeah... Actually, no.
Look, can we talk?
Some place ventilated, obviously.
I'm really sorry.
You're probably swamped with wedding stuff.
No, it's on autopilot.
Of course we're swamped!
My parents are going crazy planning things.
Are you okay?
If I tell you about this,
you'll think I'm crazy.
I've always thought you're crazy.
Well, half-crazy at least.
Really? When?
You don't remember?
Remember how convinced you were that
you could blow a wad
of paper from your nose
further than anyone else in the world?
Was that me?
I have no recollection.
You even mailed Guinness World Records!
Or what about the time
you and Li Fei competed
to see who could recite
more classic Stephen Chow
movie lines in one breath?
That's nothing.
You were rushed to the hospital
because you passed out!
You stubborn idiot.
Or that one time...
you insisted Fragrance Hill was the place
to see moonset and sunrise at once.
We waited there all night
but at dawn we saw
nothing, it was overcast.
Instead, I caught a terrible cold,
and ended up in hospital for days.
Yeah, that definitely
wasn't meant to be.
You really have a good memory.
What else was there?
How would I know?
You broke up with me.
You remember that, right?
But, hey, when I called you before,
things sounded pretty good.
I have to tell you.
Wishes I made in the past
are coming true.
What do you mean?
This asshole Earth Goddess
came out of nowhere,
and is granting random wishes I made.
I know you won't believe me.
Nobody in their right mind
would believe me.
Pretty much.
Let's go find a faucet.
I'll prove it to you.
What're you doing in my seat?
It's cool.
I'm the Earth Goddess around here.
There's no faucet anywhere.
How about...
Shanshan, wait!
What's wrong?
Are you alright?
What the hell is wrong?
I just saw your hair --
Long hair...
just grow out of your head!
There it goes again.
How is that possible?!
Goddamn F4.
Remember F4's Jerry Yan had this style
on early episodes of that show?
All the girls were crazy about him,
so I wanted his hair,
but the school didn't allow it.
OK fine. I admit it.
I secretly watched Meteor Garden,
and I liked it.
This is incredible.
You finally believe me.
You ran like I was a ghost or something.
You know how scary that was?
Can I touch it?
You're still missing his hair band.
I got it.
At least your new hair smells nice.
Sort of takes the focus
off the rest of you.
Jerry must've used a lot of hair products.
You know what I think?
This might not be so bad.
Well, up until now,
have any of your wishes
really caused problems for you?
there are tons of people in
the world who never bathe.
They are still fine, aren't they?
And you said you can't sleep, right?
And you'll never need sleep?
Are you tired?
Nothing out of the ordinary.
How cool is that!
You can get
much more done in a day than others.
I guess so.
Also, I always felt pressured
by time.
Guess I won't be needing this from now on.
For you. Souvenir.
Plus, if I got this right,
your wishes are in chronological order.
Think so.
Maybe those coming up
won't be so ridiculous.
I have no idea.
She picks the wishes, not me.
When I was a kid I wished
I was an astronaut,
and a superhero who saved the world
and brought peace to Earth.
Why didn't she make those come true?
Instead of these random ones.
Your wish timeline is about
to hit puberty, right?
That could be fun.
I gotta go. Wedding stuff.
I'm stuffed. Thanks.
Thank you. Really.
Thank you for letting me talk this out.
I miss that about you,
you always saw the bright side of things.
it's just...
some friends are gonna
party at Sir Teen tonight,
to celebrate,
and I was thinking, if you're not busy,
maybe you'd like to come...
Haven't been to a club in ages.
Assuming she doesn't make
me a monkey or something.
Come anyway.
I like monkeys.
Okay, bye.
How much?
It's on the check.
Yeah, I know, but...
Forget it,
just swipe it.
Ma Fendou?
Miss Chen?
How long has it been?
I haven't seen you since your junior year.
Actually, I saw you at Career Day.
I was there.
You haven't changed at all!
Well you've changed, big time.
Why didn't you say hi?
I didn't think you'd remember me.
Not remember you?
You were my best student.
But you always flunked me.
Flunked you?
Yeah, you said I was retarded.
I don't remember that.
Not at all.
That hairstyle is so hot.
I love it!
Miss Chen...
You here alone?
No. I mean, yeah, I am now.
There was a girl here.
My ex.
She's getting married.
Oh, poor baby.
That must be so hard for you.
It must be...
So very very hard.
Now that you've gotten bigger,
what say we go back to my place,
and I teach you all you
really wanted to learn.
Li Fei?
You're back.
Not just back.
I'm a new man.
Woah, new hairdo.
you won't believe what I just got.
I'm pretty sure you got a new hairdo.
Very retro.
Yes, it's Miss Chen.
Oh my god!
She's only wearing underwear?
I know.
Is that chalk?
Holy crap.
No, no!
Where'd you get this?
She gave it to me.
She wants me, dude.
She what?!
Wait a minute.
You said, "she wants."
Meaning you didn't do anything?
Uh, no.
May I inquire as to why not?
Well, I still can if I want.
I mean, her number's on the back.
Of course,
you'll need to dial it for me.
You didn't answer my question, Ma Fendou.
Why'd you reject alluring,
immensely doable Miss Chen?
I just had brunch with Shanshan,
I felt it would've been too...
Too what, man!
Shanshan's getting married tomorrow!
To another guy!
Know what I'd give just to be close to her?
Just for a moment.
You know what I'd give?
Even just one minute.
My iPod, Ma Fendou!
I'd give up my iPod!
I would give it up!
I know, I know,
you really love that shitty old iPod.
Plus, now you've got this cool new haircut.
Friggin A...
I swear.
Hey, get back here
so I can yell at you more!
What the --!
Every teenage boy's dream bedroom.
Thanks so much!
Hey Li,
you might want to check out your
room, Li Fei.
You did mine too?
No trouble at all.
What the?
What the hell is this?!
I had to make space for his room.
Hey man,
we can share my room.
Right, you don't need sleep.
My dear Furong!
I thought we were BFF's!
You did?
I didn't get that at all.
We were laughing and high-fiving...
You even gave me a role,
you let me oil up his mom. Remember?
You did what with my mom?
Whatevs! Let's shoot hoops
before your big game.
What game?
Your inter-department finals.
I still sell insurance?
Yeah. I don't get it either.
since my parents are sex-ed actors,
why am I still selling insurance?
Tell him.
Because you're an idiot.
You should be following
your parents' footsteps,
right into Miss Chen's room.
I always thought I went into insurance
because my parents forced me to.
You sort of fell into it.
And then slumped into the routine.
so who do I work for?
Who manages our group?
Taozi, man.
I work for that douche?!
Don't look at me. Wasn't me.
The kid's a talented businessman.
You wished you could play like Jordan?
Like Mike, baby.
Why are they here?
Tell him.
What am I? I ain't your bitch.
You don't want to piss me off, kid!
The consequences are grave.
Your parents,
they bought insurance from Taozi
and became close,
so thus, the obvious.
What the hell's growing on your head?
That hairdo takes real courage.
You cosplaying?
Sorry, fellas,
but it looks like
we're short a man.
Why don't I switch teams?
You aiding the enemy?
I was gonna just bench warm anyway.
You guys don't have to pass to me.
Yes or no? Up to you guys.
Alright, fine with me.
Me too.
He sucks though.
Yeah, total noob.
I'll get an extra jersey.
Shoot more.
Sure, I'll try.
Good luck!
We got this!
Got a plastic bag?
I gotta pee. Let me know who wins.
Gee, I wonder.
Here! Go!
Here! Pass it!
Come on.
That's in.
That's my boy!
That's my son! He's my son!
Beat their ass!
You-you --
You are so awesome!
Wh-when --
When did you get so good?
You could play in the NBA!
LeBron ain't got shit on you. Seriously!
It was okay.
Thanks for the love.
I'm just a beginner.
You are great.
Hey, earlier, I didn't mean to stare.
It's just,
Id never seen one that big before.
It's all good, Lin.
Nor have I.
First time I'm seeing it too.
Really? That too?
Next time I'll do a 360 dunk.
It just keeps getting better.
Shanshan was right.
What's wrong buddy?
You okay?
Is it because of your bedroom?
I'll tell Furong next time I see her.
Just sleep in my room.
I don't need sleep anyway.
No, that's okay. I need to get back.
Going out with Kai Li tonight.
Thought you were going out with Kai Li.
Yeah, we decided to break up instead.
Li Fei.
I shouldn't have doubted you.
You truly are awesome!
That's for sure.
Wanted to ask you something...
Could you grant Li Fei a few wishes?
He's feeling pretty down.
I can, but I won't.
if I showed you a phone number,
would you mind dialing it?
You going to see Miss Chen?
Or Shanshan?
Oh, that's right. I said I'd stop by.
Unless you became a monkey.
No no, we do not want that. Seriously.
That one year,
you didn't like your clothes,
you wished you could
have whatever you wanted
for your graduation party...
Well, now you can.
Have you seen my keys?
Let's go.
Don't mope at home,
let's go out and hang.
I just want to sleep.
No way!
You are a master of your craft!
Go have fun.
I'm gonna try on some of your clothes.
Why do you hate me?
Who said I hate you?
You have a better grip on life than others.
You don't need coddling.
Yes I do! I need coddling!
I'm just a fragile boy!
Oh shit! Yeah!
I've become a hunk!
I always knew I looked like Daniel Wu!
Whoa! Six-pack!
Big guns!
Friggin hot!
Thanks Furong!
But why?!
You want a body like his?
Go hit the gym like him, fat-ass!
"Because you're worth it."
Who is this guy?
Keep showing off!
You don't think I had wishes, Ma Fendou?
Want a Lamborghini?
Happy to give you one.
What? Don't you know me?
You know I don't drive Japanese cars!
Shut up!
You're waking people up!
You shut up! Come get some!
My name is Megaton.
Are you Ma Fendou?
Hmm. Not bad looking.
Get inside me.
Never in my wildest dreams
did I imagine
I'd have my own Transformer one day.
Are you a new character?
I don't recall a Megaton...
Any relation to Megatron?
None whatsoever. I'm not a Transformer.
I'm a Transchanger.
Never heard of that.
Why would I have wished for a Transchanger?
You were around nineteen,
and saw a neighbor kid
playing with my line of toys.
So you...
So the kid was playing with a knock-off?
You wished for a real-life version of me.
Now I'm here.
I've noticed something.
Furong enjoys taking
things I've said in passing
and making them come true.
No matter.
I'll take a robot car any day.
Just think of the
adventures we're gonna have.
Your body feels amazing
against my leather.
What'd you say?
Um. Hold on to me.
No, no. Touch it, touch it.
Don't be embarrassed.
Watch it for me.
Don't let anybody touch it.
Yes, sir!
You smell nice.
Fendou, let's go somewhere else.
Yeah, let's go to your place.
My place?
Let's go to the Maldives!
Yeah! Yeah!
Let's take your private jet!
Private jet?
Boss, your jet can be fueled
and ready in two hours.
Come on, take us away.
Look, let me go in and say hello,
and then we'll go, all right?
We'll go anywhere you ladies want.
Hey uh,
wait for me at the bar, cool?
No! We've been waiting all day.
Be good girls and wait at the bar, OK?
Hey, come on...
Order anything you want.
Here, buy drinks, whatever.
Don't leave!
Don't forget, you all love me.
Love you!
Sorry I'm late.
So glad you could come.
- Wouldn't miss it.
- Sit down.
Sure you're in the right place?
This isn't a casino, Mr. Chow.
I forgot to tell you.
I saw "God of Gamblers" once.
My wish to be as cool as
Chow Yun-Fat came true.
Let me buy an introductory round.
This pocket?
There's always money in it now.
You didn't wish for hot
girls to go with the look?
They're here.
At the bar.
So your wishes are getting better.
Not too shabby.
What wishes?
Long story.
To Shanshan's happiness!
To the happiness of Shanshan!
I wish you happiness forever.
Where is he?
The groom?
What? You want to meet him?
Never mind. I'll meet him eventually.
Hey, Shanshan...
Hey, Ni.
- Come here, a friend wants to meet you.
- Okay.
I'll be back.
Excuse me,
gotta use the restroom.
What are you doing here?
Looks like you're over her.
Yeah. Over ages ago.
Don't worry. Your reaction's normal.
After all, your ex-girlfriend
is getting married.
It's normal to feel
maybe even a bit jealous,
but that doesn't mean you still love her.
Exactly. Because there's
no way I'm that guy.
You definitely can't be that guy.
Which guy?
The guy who only realizes
what he had after he loses it.
That guy is the worst.
Everybody hates that guy, right?
Those guys are assholes.
No thanks.
- Here.
- Thanks very much.
Good service.
I can wash my hands.
How come I can wash my hands?
Is this because of my Chow wish?
Chow does like to take care of himself.
I know him well.
Really, really well.
Why else would he look so good for so long.
Thank you.
Hey man.
- Thanks.
- Thank you man.
Luo! What's up?
Why are you here?
And that outfit!
That's some fashion right there.
Going to the wedding tomorrow?
That's the guy from the commercial.
Why is he here?
You never seen them kiss before?
She's marrying him?!
The friggin lotion guy?!
You seen that ad too, huh?
they've gotta be using that stuff
all the time.
They probably get tubs for free.
Lifetime supply to oil each other up.
Hell, they probably shower with it.
Bathe in it, make some tea with it.
Yo, you remember in the ad?
When he winks in the end?
I love that.
You can tell the guy is a beast.
That's all he thinks about, like --
Let's go!
Why are you ignoring us?
- Let's go, baby. Come on.
- Let's get on the plane.
- Okay.
- Baby, let's go!
Come on!
Come on.
You know what I want right now?
Fendou, naked.
How did you know?
Because all you think about is doing him.
This song!
Come on.
What. The. Hell.
Why you tripping?
How about...
Let's all kiss instead.
Good idea!
Get in here!
No, no, no!
Stop! Stop!
Stop. I'm sorry.
I appreciate all this.
But I can't.
- Because...
- Because why?
Because I'm that guy.
What guy?
Why dont you go by yourselves?
Just tell the driver, uh, guy
to take you to the Maldives.
- No! We're not going alone!
- Or go to Bali.
Take my jet wherever you want.
- Together please?
- Okay?
make a U-turn and drop me off
first, thanks.
What the hell?
Get in.
Leave me alone. I wanna walk.
Come on...
Maybe I can help.
What would you know.
In any relationship,
there are calms before storms.
There will be days when we lose faith,
but we will never forsake this planet!
Wait, not planet. We'll never give up --
- What was it again?
- Forget it.
Even your speeches are Prime knockoffs.
Stop pretending to be
something you're not...
You're back.
Wow, looking smooth.
- Didn't you two...
- Break up?
We made up!
Did I somehow wish...
Wishes smishes.
Although, we do have you to thank for
wishing full fat ice cream is good for you.
Doctors recommend it for weight loss!
I told her about Shangguan Furong.
Yeah. That's badass!
Yeah, but, before you were all...
I've seen the light.
After you left, I passed out.
But when I woke up, I realized something.
I was moping around,
being a whiny bitch.
I realized I'd turned into you.
The you before your old wishes came true.
Randomly picking fights with me.
Randomly picking fights with Kai Li.
Wishing my life would get better overnight.
But it doesn't work that way.
Not everyone gets a magical
being to hook things up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you.
What I'm saying is,
to make one's wishes come true,
you gotta grab life by
the balls and screw it.
More positions the better.
But bro,
just don't let life screw you.
I want it.
This ice cream is so friggin good!
You're right.
Shanshan's getting married tomorrow, right?
But I still love her.
I know.
You know?
Everyone does, so obvious.
I have to see her.
I have to see her.
I have to tell her.
Dude, dude.
It's almost 3 in the morning.
We mortals still need sleep.
Go play DOTA or something,
deal with it in the AM.
I'm gonna kill you!
Ma Fendou!
Open up!
I know you're home. Lights are on.
I know you don't sleep!
Don't leave her waiting, go tell her!
So romantic!
- Open up!
- Hurry up!
Take a good look.
Notice anything different?!
What the --
You tell me!
You perv!
When did you wish for this?
Wait, no.
Who else would it be.
No really! I didn't...
Was it that one time...
Damn it, Earth Goddess!
Where are you?
Don't worry.
You really need to come fix this now!
Bigger boobs, no surgery.
What you complaining about?
I can't fit into my wedding dress!
Can I feel them?
So soft and bouncy! You're super lucky!
Babe, come feel these.
Yeah, okay, sure.
You guys aren't helping!
I can't believe he wished for this.
- Shanshan - So fess up.
What else didn't you like about me?
Obviously my boobs weren't big enough.
My forehead's too big?
Take too long brushing my teeth?
Forget to turn on my phone?
Listen to me...
Can we talk, calmly?
Ask them. I was about to
find you to tell you --
You nuts? Telling her now
will have the opposite effect!
Don't hide from me!
Answer me!
I'll tell that old perv to
make you the way you were.
I'm sorry
the way I was wasn't what you wanted.
But did you ever think about how you were?
The way you chew your food.
Your socks everywhere.
Not showering after a basketball game.
Even then,
I never wished you'd change for me.
After we broke up,
for a while there,
I actually missed your annoying habits.
Because they are a part of you.
You understand?
But I want to thank you.
Now I finally know,
why you suddenly broke up with me.
Shanshan, Shanshan!
You're misunderstanding it.
I have to go.
It's late.
I have a wedding at noon.
And a wedding dress to alter.
I still love you!
Damn you!
You jerk!
What are you doing?!
Hey, it's Bo here.
I'm still in Italy for business.
Sorry for dragging this out so long.
Compared to others,
you seem an honest standup guy.
I'm letting you insure my
factory, all 8000 workers.
Good thing you're a persistent fella.
Yong will follow up with you.
Li Fei,
wake up bro!
What's the time?
Can you turn that music down?
What the hell?
Megaton, volume.
The wedding program starts at 11am.
She's probably at her
parents' place getting ready.
Good work, stalker.
They're going with a seafood theme.
You just wait and see...
That'll be a disaster.
Hello diarrhea time.
Like, bad.
If I was in charge of planning...
I'm sorry,
it's just... I really like weddings.
I really do.
Dumb idiot!
Your driving sucks!
You know what to say, right?
I have no clue.
Be confident, but humble.
My boy's got it covered, Megaton.
You got this.
Don't think too much,
just be yourself.
Go get her!
Hello, sir!
Oh, Fendou!
I was about to go up.
So you're coming to the wedding?
Actually I'm here to see Shanshan.
I have some very important
things to tell her.
Does it have to be right now?
Yes, right now.
I have to...
I need to talk to her alone.
Okay. Go on up.
What're you --
What are you doing?
Oh it's on now.
This is his fight, Megaton.
This is his fight.
Fendou, I've always liked you.
Then... why?!
I always hoped you and
Shanshan'd end up together.
Then don't hold me back!
Let me go!
Fendou, go try the side entrance.
- Fendou!
- Hi...
What are you doing here?
I'm here to see Shanshan.
He looks good, no?
He's been working out I see.
What the hell is going on here?!
No idea, man.
Woah! When did he wish that?
Last year, Li Fei.
He'd just downloaded --
No need you to tell me.
- Zhuzhu! Stop shooting!
- Hey, what's up.
I'm here to see your cousin!
Will you be at the wedding?
Lsten, be good, stop shooting.
Ma Fendou!
Give it up!
What do you mean?
Let it go! You can't get in.
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible!
No, brother, this is!
I can do it!
This was one of your wishes, remember?
When you made the wish
I was right next to you.
It was at that restaurant.
A bus drove by,
and you said...
What did I say?
You said it yourself.
You wished you didn't
have to see her again!
I said I didn't want to see her everywhere!
Do you hear me?
Are you deaf!
Everywhere! Not ever again!
That was wish nineteen,
the last one.
Won't he ever be able to see her again?
I'll find a way in!
Turn around before it gets serious.
Don't let this get out of hand.
Cops are here.
Step away from the old ladies.
Leave the area.
You're definitely not getting in.
You sick bitch!
Earth Goddess!
Show yourself!
Get out here!
Sorry, sorry, he's not talking about you.
We're leaving! Sorry!
I know you're hiding, watching me.
Leave now and you won't be arrested.
Not sure...
Anyway, cops all left.
I think you've padded it too much.
She's not picking up,
her phone's on silent.
If you could,
would you take all those wishes back?
If I could, I'd do anything.
Aww, touching.
Would that include all the wishes...
The jet, the car, the
babes, the superpowers?
And me.
And Megaton?
And the ice cream?
Oh man, full fat ice cream...
Throwing away all you've wished for,
for one small chance
to get back what you had, but gave up?
Too bad I don't know how.
Cuz that'd really help now.
When did my wishes start coming true?
- When...
- That's right.
Right after you got that package.
What do we do with packages we don't want?
- Usually...
- Correct.
Return them.
We return them to sender.
Right, Megaton?
Return to sender!
Let the doer be the one to undo.
You got it, bro?
Li Fei's way smarter than you, Fendou.
You're wasting all that
talent as a delivery guy.
Who said you have to use
talent if you have it?
Who says I'm wasting it?
I'm content with my life.
But we don't know the sender's address.
Jeez. You don't need it!
That's the delivery company's
problem, not yours.
Except today.
Your branch is closed this morning.
Well they better open it!
Sure about this?
You think this'll work?
I don't have to think.
I'm a professional delivery technician.
Lemme make a call first.
Yo, dawg...
it's me, Li Fei.
Do you think you could...
Okay, okay, I got it.
Fine. Blacklist this jackass.
What a dick.
Why do we need him?
For starters,
we need keys to get in the office.
I can.
No, my manager needs to sign off.
Don't worry. I have an ace up my sleeve.
My supervisor.
The one you smacked two weeks ago?
Yo, Liu,
my man! It's Li Fei.
I already told you,
a mosquito landed on your face.
Lucky I killed it.
Well, it kept flying back!
Should I have let it sting you in the eye?
You should be thanking me, OK?
So you can reciprocate by
opening the office in 10 minutes.
I have an urgent 704 situation.
You're talking about a code 324.
Your memory sucks!
I'll recite the employee
handbook right now.
Hey, forget it!
No time to BS with you.
I didn't want to say this,
but you're forcing me:
I know about you and the boss's wife.
Perfect. See you soon.
Good luck, Ma Fendou.
It's been an honor hanging with you.
Thank you, Megaton. I'll miss you.
That's one classy car.
No, Ma Fendou, come back!
Fendou, I love you!
Come back!
I can't be without you!
- Megaton! Get a grip!
- Don't leave me!
Ten minutes? You said ten.
- Your eye any better?
- Suck it.
That okay?
Yeah, no problem.
You're breaking the rules, you know that?
Would it kill you to keep quiet?
What are they gonna do?
Send us to "mail jail"?
Shut up and read exactly what I wrote.
What the hell is this?
What do you care?
Just read it.
I think another mosquito is on your face...
Read it, Liu!
As your delivery provider,
I must inform you
refusing this package may
result in major consequences.
Do you wish to continue?
Yes. Yes I do.
Then it is with great pleasure I hereby
accept said package,
and wish you success and
happiness in all things.
Go get her, stupid...
I love you, man.
Liu's so friggin gay.
Slap it on!
"Return to Sender"
We done here?
Anything else?
It's returned, but nothing's happening.
What were you guys expecting?
I beg you.
I beg you.
I beg you.
I beg you, please!
You finally came!
Holy crap! God damn!
- I was suffocating in there!
- You okay?
Are you stupid?
Ask and ye shall have.
They teach you manners for a reason.
I almost died in there,
before you finally said "please"!
All right,
let's take back your wishes.
Thank you.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- Watch this.
What the hell?
Aren't we going to a wedding?
Let's go!
Sup yourself?
Don't worry. It's just around the corner.
Hurry up.
Officer, please be merciful.
You're lucky I'm not arresting you!
Look where you are.
You call this a road?
I'm sorry. Our mistake.
But it's an emergency.
You wouldn't understand.
Understand what?
It's for...
for love.
My bro's soul mate
is marrying some jerk in half an hour.
We must be there to stop the wedding.
I friggin hate weddings.
I met my wife at a wedding.
Follow me.
I'm heading that way.
Life's full of little miracles.
What are you doing?
Yeah. What am I doing?
What if she doesn't want me?
What if she's actually happy with this guy?
I can't label him a prick
just because he was in a stupid commercial.
Does this make
me the asshole?
No, dude,
I meant the wedding's down the hall.
This here is a Go tournament.
what about all the stuff I just said?
Wasn't listening.
What's wrong?
Come on! If you have balls, let's go!
Ma Fendou,
what are you doing?
Ma Fendou?
Your ex-boyfriend Ma Fendou?
Why is he here? Tell him to leave.
What kind of best men are you guys?
He's right, do something.
Chill bro.
What if we get in a fight?
We've got that commerial tomorrow.
Commercial my ass!
Mr. Ren.
I'm sorry.
I'm not here to cause any problems.
If me being here is hurting you
Wait -- haven't you made
a habit of hurting her?
You're right.
Mr. Anus Yao.
Angus Yao!
You need glasses?
I'm sorry, Mr. Angus.
My mistake.
about what happened before,
I truly apologize.
I was thinking,
there are some things I must tell you,
because you misunderstood me.
If you can give me a chance to explain...
Do you need to?
I don't think there's a need.
What I want to say is...
Just speak from the heart.
Even if it sounds stupid, don't hold it in.
The last few days,
My life has been...
very exciting,
very entertaining...
But, no matter how fantastic,
or how amazing...
I still didn't really feel happy.
True happiness, from the heart...
You know?
Even though things kept getting better,
I didn't have you to share them with.
I understand now.
The only thing that makes me happy
is you.
Do you still remember
that client of mine, Mr. Bo?
Yeah. The one who always strung you along.
He finally bought from me.
And it was a huge order.
Then you owe me dinner.
I bet you back then he'd be a big client.
You didn't believe me.
I owe you a lifetime of dinners.
Hang on, hang on.
Are you two serious right now?
I never cared that your forehead's big,
it just means you're smarter.
With all that tooth brushing,
your white teeth are what makes
your smile light up the room.
I know I don't deserve you.
But as long as you don't give up on me,
I'll try to not give up on myself.
I'm just an average regular guy.
And I think
that's something everyone can see.
Somehow I got you to be with me,
and you stayed for six years.
Secretly I always admired myself for that.
Being together with you has been
the most fortunate thing in my life.
Other than you,
I don't want anything else.
I'm sorry, Angus.
Now I finally know
why you always seemed distant.
Thanks a lot.
The hell you guys doing? Come on!
Never thought my wedding would implode.
What are you waiting for?
Your son just crashed a wedding.
Come to the Langham.
All my wishes were returned
to the Earth Goddess.
How come they're still...
You'll have to ask Earth Goddess.
I made an exception.
I'm in a good mood today.
A back-together gift for the young couple.
So what did we learn here?
We learned that
there's greatness in all of us.
Well, not all of us.
Like this douche-bag behind me. He sucks.
Maybe we didn't learn anything.
Maybe you did, I know I didn't.
Dunno, gotta think about it more...
We'll talk about it later.
I need to go...
Who are you talking to?
I forgot. I thought I was still invisible.
Holy crap!
Where'd she go?
Son, you finally did something right.
You didn't let the good girl get away.
The whole office's talking
about your big deal.
It helps you lose weight.
If you don't like it, return it.
Not too bad.
When can I examine the goods?
Let's go.