Wishful Thinking (1996) Movie Script
[ Rain Falling ]
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
[ Man Narrating ] I was once hypnotized by a spoon.
I was alone in the kitchen,
and I pulled one out of the drawer and started staring at it.
It was like it was speaking to me.
I forgot who I was, what I was doing-- everything.
The damn thing had me in a trance.
After a few minutes, when the spoon really had me where it wanted,
it told me to walk over to the trash can and pee in it.
You could say I was a little confused at that moment.
I saw a doctor and he said, "People lose their senses like that all the time."
You know what ?
It isn't just caused by spoons.
[ Panting ]
Sorry ! Sorry ![ Shouting ]
Excuse me !
[ Woman ] Now, I have some very, very good news.
The test came back-- the second test--
and it came in "negative."
Mm-hmm.
[ Door Closes ]Oh, that-- Um--
Excuse me. If I could
have your attention
for a second, please.
Could you hold on
one second ?Thank you.
I need somebody to--
Thank you, Miss.Hold on.
Um, I think this dog
is kind of hurt.
He's got a little cut
on his head here.[ Whimpering ]
[ Scoffs ]
God. It looks like
he's been beaten.
Yeah.
Did you do this ?No. Of course not.
No, I--
I just--
I really need a doctor
to take a look at him.
You know, get some stitches,
a shampoo or something.
Oh, God !
Uh, he's coming. Um--
Who's he ?Uh--
Um, you take him !
Yeah, that's it.
Good. Bye, dog.
[ Dogs Barking ]Give it up, asshole !
I warned you !Dog beater !
[ Barking Continues ]
Well, well, well.
If it ain't the hero.
Take it easy, mister.
I just thought the dog
looked pretty bad.
I thought maybe he might
need some attention,
you know ?
[ Stammering ]
Medical attention.
[ Grunting ]
[ Body Falls To Ground ]
[ Woman ]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay ?
Are you okay ?
Did I kill him ?No, he left.
Did he get the dog ?No, I wouldn't
give it to him.
I told him I was gonna
call the police.
It was so great
what you did.
I don't feel so good.Come on. Let's get you inside
and fixed up.
No, that's okay. I'm--Oh, my God !
You've got a big cut up there.
Come on. Yeah.Actually, I could use
a little comfort right here.
Am I delirious,
or are you kind of pretty ?
[ Chuckles ]
You're very delirious.
What's your name ?Elizabeth.
I'm Max. You like movies ?
[ Man Announcing ] On the weather front,
it looks like summer is gasping its last breath.
It may be warm today, but the forecast calling for cold and rain.
[ Knocking ] Autumn's on its way, folks, whether you like it or not.
[ Door Opens ] [ Woman ] Max is here ! He says he has a date with you.
I'll be right out. [ Door Closes ]
[ Gasps ]
Is that--
Oh, my God !
That's where that guy hit you.
Yeah.[ Gasps ] Wow !
That was so good of you--
I'll be right out !
[ Laughing ]
[ Chattering ]
That's true.
I did ?
A model ? No.
[ Scoffs ]An actress ?
Well, I was in
this stupid film.Really ?
[ Chattering Continues ]
Hi, Max.Hi.
Are you ready to go ?You look beautiful.
Thanks. Bye.Bye.
[ Moaning ]
Stop.
[ Panting ]
I have to get some water. [ Water Running ]
[ Slurping ]
[ Gasps ]
Okay, I'm ready.
[ Moaning Resumes,
Kissing ]
Oh ! What is that ?
[ Max Panting ]
The vacuum cleaner.
She always cleans
when we're in here.
We must be driving her crazy.
How long have we been in here ?
[ Whispering ]
I don't know.
But I think if I stay
in here another two minutes,
I'm gonna break
a personal best.
All right.
Come here, you.[ Moans ]
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Man Announcing ] Tristate area expecting to reach the high 90s.
That's hot.
You could just call
your mother.
Is that the way
you do it in Iowa ?
You remember the rule:
no knocking Iowa.
Look, if I just call
my mother on Mother's Day,
she would kill me.
We have to at least
to take her out to brunch.
She only lives an hour away.
I always just call my mother.Well, that's 'cause
she lives 2,000 miles away.
Yes, but she's very close
to my heart.
Listen, normally I would,
but this time I won't.
My mother called me
and told me that since
you've moved in,
I've only gone
to see her once.
I haven't seen
my mother at all.
Can I help it
if you're evil ?
No, I don't suppose you could,
but would you really want to ?
Evil is so much more
interesting than good,
don't you think ?
Well, it depends on
whether or not we're
going to see my mother.
Well, as long as I can get
some evil in sometime,
I suppose I can swing it.
In that case,
I'm ready to be possessed.
[ Max Narrating ] I used to be... an idiot.
Ta-da.
Oh, Max !
Ohhh.
Open it ! [ Rubs Hands Together ]
I can't believe it.
Go on. Open it.
Oh.
Your toothpick.
Yeah, it came this morning.
Isn't it great ?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, it's nice.
It's just...
a little small.
Oh, God !
I'm an idiot.
I just realized
how this looked.
No. Just--I-I'm sorry.
[ Stammering ]
I just wanted
to surprise you.
No, no, no.
It's just--
I saw the box, and I thought--Of course. I'm a colossally
stupid human being.
- I'm so sorry.
- I shouldn't even bring it up.
It's just since
my little sister got married,
I've been thinking.
I've been thinking
that I'm the last one,
you know ?
I mean, I'm the last one
in my family to--
Yeah, me too.
The same is true for me.
Well, h-have you
thought about it ?
Actually,
I have, a lot.
And I just need to feel
in my chest that it's
the right time for that.
You don't--
You don't feel it
in your chest ?
No, no.
I-I feel it in my chest
that I love you.
I love you.
I just need to feel
in my chest that it's
the right time for that.
Okay ?
Yeah.
You wanna try again ?
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Clears Throat ]
All right.
Ta-da.
Oh, a surprise !
Wow ! What is it ?
Why-- It's--
It's a toothpick
with a floss attachment !
My God. Somebody
ought to market these
to restaurants.
It'd make a lot of money.That's an excellent idea.
Oh, my God.
What's that taste ?
What taste ? [ Unwrapping Toothpick ]
They taste like ginger.
It's kind of strange.Uh-oh.
Ah-ha.
It says right here:
"Ginger Flav."
Houston,
we got a problem.
[ Closes Box ]Serves you right.
[ Sighs ]
[ Max Narrating ] The problem with being an idiot is you can't stop doing it.
You can't just decide one day that you're no longer gonna do idiotic things.
It doesn't work that way.[ Sniffs ]
In order to quit doing idiotic things,
you first have to be able to recognize what they are.
[ Voice ] Tastes like ginger.
Tastes like ginger.
They taste like ginger.
They taste like ginger.
- Taste like ginger.
- [ Door Opens ]
I think I'm in trouble.
I know that expression.
She doesn't look happy.
I really-- Oh
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
Strange things are happenin'
Things that I just can't understand
Who can it be Christ,
they taste like a shrub.
You know what ? How I wish I knew
The floss thing is neat,
but it does taste peculiar. Who could it be
We're fixing the taste.
But the floss part,
that's the important part.
Do you like the design ?Did you design this ?
Yeah, I had the idea,
but--He had a manufacturer--
Yeah, a manufacturer
in Hong Kong made 'em.They're cool.
And they turned into
a Chinese food dish--
Moo shoo Toothpick.
My favorite.Well, it's not as original
as opening...
the one millionth video store
in Manhattan, but-- Good one.
I think they can catch on,
don't you ?
- I'd buy 'em.
- I'm sorry. What's your name ?
Henry. I went to college with Jack.
I went to high school
with Jack. Really ?
- Yeah. Elizabeth.
- Hi. Henry.
- Important thing is, what do
you think of the toothpick ?
- I think they're great.
So, if these things didn't
taste like shit, what were
you gonna do with them ?
[ Mouthing Words ]I was--
If they caught on,
I was gonna try and sell them
to a restaurant chain...
and, um, take some... [ Stops ]
time off and try
to write my... book.Book.
That's cool.Hey !
Hey, what are you doin' ? [ Jazz ]
Putting on some quality.
Are you sayin'
my party lacks quality ?
Of course not.
I love pigs in a blanket.Weenie-wraps. Try one.
No. First I have
to say "hello"
to my favorite co-worker.
Hey.Hi, Maxie !
Come on ! [ Max ]
Try one of these.
Mmm, ginger.You like it ?
Uh-huh. They say it has
very restorative powers.
You hear that ?
There you go.
Elizabeth.Hi.
Lena, this is Henry. Hi.
Hey.It's nice to meet you.
It is ?Mm-hmm.
[ Jack ] I told you, Henry, if I introduce you to these folks, you'd never forget it.
Especially Lena.That's why I never dated you,
Jack. You're so rude.
Trust me. Once you
get to know us, you'll learn
we're very nice people.
Sorry.Excuse me.
[ Max ] Are you all right ?Fine.
Excuse me.
[ Henry ] You learn this in college ?
[ Lena ] No, actually, I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
It's not really a stroke I'm worried about.
What are you worried about ?
Impure thoughts.
Change gonna take you
It's gonna slow you down
It's gonna make you feel
Like you don't want to feel
Your life is gonna come
It's gonna make you crack up
Gonna make you forget about
All those dreams you dreamed about
How will you learn at last
She's gone and won't be back
Maybe you'll understand
What made her go away
One night while you rested
Was the night she packed to go
One night in a thousand
She picked to let you know
She was up for leavin'
She had an itchy pain
She would see the sun shine
Aboard the mornin' train
Change gonna break you
It's gonna throw your ride
And if you anger it
[ Elizabeth ] It was innocent.
Jack was just being Jack.He had his hands
all over you.
He practically did
a cavity search.He did not do a cavity search.
He did too.Don't exaggerate. I know how
it must have seemed to you,
but that doesn't mean
that's the way it was.
All right ?[ Growls ]
[ Growls ]
Do you really believe
I would do something
like that ?
Hmm ?
I'm crazy about you.
Come on.
All right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm--
I don't know what I was.
You said you were sorry.Yes. I said I'm sorry.
You did ?I did.
I said I'm sorry.
It drives me crazy to see men
touch you like that.
It makes me twitch.
Maybe that's a good thing.
No, it's not.
My doctor told me
to cut down on twitching.
What did he say
about your chest ?
It had a relapse, and in time it would get better.
[ Gunfire On Film ]
Morning.
[ Gunshot ]
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Chattering On Film ]
Hi. Don't I know you
from some place ?
I know who you are.
Everybody does.
That ought
to make it easier.
I'm Theresa Porter.
[ Man On Film ]
Wanna dance ?
All right.
Didn't you come with a girl ?
Are you kidding ?
I ain't got a girl.
I knew it.Hmm ?
I said I knew it.
All the girls know it.
They've been wondering
which one you were
going to pick.
[ Man ] Are girls really like that ?
[ Woman ] Are you shocked ? Nah.
So, who's it going to be ?
You got my number, baby.
You had it since
the moment I laid eyes on you.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, Jack !
You're my kind of man,
and you always will be.
[ Gasps ]
Not here.
[ Big Band On Film ]
There's a storm
Deep inside me
Need someone
Who will guide me
[ Elizabeth On Machine ]
Hi. You've reached Max
and Elizabeth's.
So just leave your name
and number, and we'll get back
to you as soon as we can.
[ Answering Machine Beeps ]
In my world
Of confusion
Where's the someone
Who'll show me
Love is not
An illusion
[ Telephone Ringing ] I need love
[ Ringing Continues ]
Hello.
Uh, no,
she's not home yet.
Okay.
[ Siren Wailing ]Bye.
[ Telephone Clicks Down ]
[ Clock Ticking Loudly ]
[ Typewriter Paper Advancing ] [ Voice ] Where is she ?
Where is she ?
Where is she ?
Where is she ?
She's with him. She's with him. She's with him. I know it.
With Jack. Right now. This sucks.
Hey, Lena.
Hi, Maxie.
- Can I have the key
to the booth ?
- Here.
Um, Elizabeth called,
and she said she's sorry.
She ended up staying
at her mom's last night.Thanks.
Wanna talk about it ?
Maybe later.Okay.
I'll come up later.
There's nothing left of her anymore. Just what you see. And it's all yours.
You come in here
dolled up like that.
I told you why
I'm dolled up, didn't I ?
Must you make me repeat it ?
For some reason that I just can't think of, I happen to be in love with you.
But when the district attorney wanted me to give answers...
that would put you in the electric chair, I just... stopped fighting.
[ Man ] Then I'll do it for you.
Are you turning me down ?
I'm not gonna make
a moll out of you.Then you don't love me ?
Of course I love you.
What's that got to do
with anything ?
You wanna be a moll,
come to our parties,
have me tear your clothes off,
slap ya, beat ya ?
Yes. Yes, because
I want to be with you.
Elizabeth,
don't you understand ?
I'm anything you said I was,
only worse.
I don't care.[ Sighs ]
You dumb broad.
You wonderful, dumb broad.
[ Elizabeth's Voice ] This lady came in with a snake...
that she had bought from her daughter, only her daughter was tired of it.
[ Max's Voice ] Wow. What'd you do ?
I told her that
her husband called and that
he was tired of her.
[ Laughing ]And could we
put her to sleep...
the same time
we did the snake ?
Where's the bathroom ?To the left.
Very nice. Good--
Nice touch.
I couldn't help myself.
[ Chuckles ]
More water ?
Please.
Thank you. Yes.
[ Water Pouring ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Jack's Voice ] "Elizabeth,
"If you need anyone to talk to, I'm around.
"Just remember, it will work out with Max...
"or without him.
Love, Jack."
[ Door Closes ]
[ Sighs ]So, how'd it go ?
Same as always.Good.
Say, do you have
any Blistex ?
What ? Yeah.Seems a little chapped.
Max, I'll look.
I can do it.That's okay.
I'm sure it's in here
somewhere. What's this ?
Oh, a note. Who's it from ?
Let's see.
Who's it from ?
Jack.I can't believe
you opened this.
I'm sorry.Yeah.
It just caught my eye.Yeah, I'll bet it did.
Something
I should know about ?
[ Chuckles ]
It's just that ever since
I told Jack that you didn't
want to get married,
he's been...
concerned about me.
Has he ?Mm-hmm.
Is there... something going on
between you two ?
[ Clears Throat ]
Listen to you, Max.
You sound so paranoid.
Now, why don't you
just relax.
Because I can't when I think
something is going on.
Max.What ?
You know I would never
hurt you like that.
I have to tell you something.Mm-hmm.
The nice thing,
that worked the last time.
But I think I need you
to tell me the truth.
What do you wanna hear ?
The truth.
Are you listening ?I'm all ears.
Max, I am absolutely
not cheating on you.
Not with Jack
or anybody else.
All right ?
All right.
Is that enough ?Yeah, that's enough.
Have you decided ?
You'll be sorry
You ever let me down [ Elizabeth Brushing Teeth ]
You'll be sorry
No, I won't hang around [ Projector Running ]
You wonderful, dumb broad. Life must go on
No matter how I feel
Maybe some day
I'll find a love that's real
You'll be sorry
For all you've done to me
You'll be sorry
Now just you wait and see
Vows that you made
Yes Every one you broke
I'll make you pay
Believe me that's no joke
Liz ?
Come on, Liz.
Wake up.
What's happening ?
You were asleep.
I woke you.
I was sleeping ?
Liz.
I've been thinkin'
about us.
And I know--
I mean, I realize how important--
What I'm trying to say...
is that I was wrong
to say "no" to you.
And now I'm asking.
Asking what ?
[ Chuckling ]
I'm asking you to marry me.
I changed my mind.
What do you say ?
Is that great or what ?
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, well,
it would have been
about a month ago,
when we talked about it.
But... things have
changed since then.
I've changed.
Remember--
Remember the way
I used to push you so much.
I was wrong.
And all those things
that you said about...
how you feel in your chest,
I think that you were right.
But my chest is sure now.
But mine's not.
Not anymore.
It's not ?
Mm-mm.
Who is it ?
Who's who ?
Whoever it is that you've been seeing.[ Scoffs ]
Is it Jack ?
Is Jack "who" ?
Youare my boyfriend, Max.
I know I'm your boyfriend.
A lot of people
have boyfriends.
It doesn't mean they don't
have someone else.
Why are you acting
like this ?
Because it makes me feel
so warm and creamy inside.
Now, who is it ?
What do you wanna know ?
Hmm ?
Every man that I've spoken to
since I met you ?
Is that what you wanna know ?
No, we can just start
with the ones that
you've had romantic,
sexual, physical contact with
since we started going out.
You ! Okay ?
It's you ! All right.
Maybe I brushed up against
a guy last week at work,
but I swear I didn't enjoy it.
Okay ? Does that do ? What about Jack ?
I told you about Jack !
Jesus !
I don't give you grief
about the way you and Lena
hang around together. No.
And she's the type
who would have an affair !
You're not answering
my question. You're impossible.
What difference does it make what I say ? You're not gonna believe me, anyway.
'Cause you can't say it ! I can say this.
I am going out tonight,
and I may not come home.
How's that ?
If you explain it,
I will believe you.
I'll see you.I said I would believe you !
[ Groaning ]
That hurt !
[ Door Opens ]
What happened to your eye ?
I hit it on that hook
by the kitchen.
I'm sorry...
about last night.
I am too.
Where'd you go ?
Coney Island.
Yeah ? With who ?
I went by myself.
The hell with my sister !
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Man On Film ]
Really got it bad for her,
don't you ?
Put away the heat, kid.
I seen the way
you look at her.
I got eyes in my head.
You ain't seen nothin',
kid.
Max, what are you
doing here ?Shut up !
He's goin' a little wild.Yeah ?
I'm goin' a little wild.
The only thing
that's gonna cure me
is your blood-- lots of it.
Max, put the gun down.
Oh !
[ Gunshot ]
He was all hopped up.
Oh, Jack.
[ Ringing ]
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Max ] Hello ? Max, it's Lena.
Do you know something ?
They're there at your place.
You gotta go.
[ Panting ]
[ Max Narrating ] The time for thinking was over. I was finally going to find...
the truth.
[ Stairs Creaking ]
With every step I took, the stairs called out to me.
[ Voice Creaking ] Don't... do it.
Go... back.
Damn stairs. Why couldn't they mind their own business ?
Then I heard something else.
[ Elizabeth Laughing ]
I heard a voice.
Elizabeth, it's me !
Open the door !
I know you two are in there.
Now open the door !
[ Elizabeth ]
Hold on just a second !
[ Max ] No, I'm not gonna hold on just a second !
I know what's going on ! There's no use in hiding it !
Now open the goddamn door !
Hold on just a second !
[ Max Narrating ] As I burst into that room,
I realized I had removed all doubt of who I was.
I was an idiot.
[ Lena Narrating ] It all started the day that Jack had that party.
I was baby-sitting Donita.
Does he talk about Jesus ?
Not that God.What other God is there ?
The God I'm talking about
is different than
those other gods.
He doesn't talk about
right and wrong and all that.Why not ?
Well, 'cause He talks
to special people
like you and me,
and He knows
we're not interested in that.
He doesn't talk to me.He will.
What does He do ?
Well, mostly
He just floats around
and watches people,
but sometimes He tries
to let people know
that He's alive.
Oh. Like Houdini's ghost.Exactly.
Hi, Mom !Hi ! Give your Mom
a big hug.
- Ooh ! I missed you.
- [ Donita ] I missed you too.
[ Chuckling ]
You sell any cards today ?
Some. Not that many.Aw.
[ Lena ] Hey. You didn't tellme you were selling any cards.
There you are,
a new customer. [ Lena ] What do you got ?
Some angel cards.Let me see.
Oh, I like those.
Can I buy the whole box ?Sure.
Is this gonna be enough ?
Wow ! Thanks, Lena.
Sure. Thank you.
How is it, Lena ?It's okay.
Come and sit.
We find out what else
happening with you.
[ Folk ] [ Woman ] The King of Wands.
It's very interesting
what's happening today
in cards for you, Lena.
I think this has something
to do with...
mystery in your life.
You have a mystery ?
Maybe mystery man ?Maybe.
- But you don't know everything
about him, do you ?
- No.
Well, then it's definite. This mean you got a mystery man.
[ Turning Card Over ]
Oh, no !
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Lena.
Your mystery man--
he's hanging upside down.
There is something wrong here
with you and mystery man.
Is this true ?Yes.
Well, then something is
about to change.
He may become ex-mystery man,
and you don't see him no more.
Why not ?Because he's hanging
upside down.
[ Continues ]Oh.
Or maybe he could become
ex-mystery,
and the mystery will disappear,
and you will know everything
about him.
Either way,
he will be ex-something.An ex-man.
Yes !
Ex-something man.
He gonna have a big impact
on you, Lena.
[ Lena Narrating ] It was the fortune I had been waiting for.
My destiny was finally doing what I wanted it to.
All right. I'll fill you in.
I knew I was in love with Max from when I first met him.
It was like there was a halo around him or something.
I just knew.
He was the only person I knew with an "X" in his name.
Oh And now I was gonna find out if he had an ex in his life.
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
I've got a feelin'
God was gonna give me a sign. Somebody's tryin'
To steal my man
Strange things are happenin'
I told you, Henry,
if I introduce you
to these folks,
you'd never forget it.
Especially Lena.
Jack, that's why
I never went out with you.
You're so rude.
Excuse me. [ Jack ] Sorry.
Excuse me.
[ Continues ]
[ Lena Narrating ] God had delivered.
[ Jazz ] [ Chattering On Film ]
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Stops ] [ Applause On Film ]
[ Resumes ]
[ Continues ]
[ Lena ]
Have you ever
watched this movie ?
About a thousand times.
Watch it. It's good.
I've seen it.
Trust me.
Is something bothering you ?
What makes
you say that ?
It's obvious.
Nothing is obvious.
You are to me.
Really ?
Something's definitely wrong, otherwise you wouldn't even have let me say that.
Yeah, well, I left all
my biting responses at home.
Is that where you left
what's bothering you ?[ Chuckling ]
[ Chuckling ]Well, if you must know,
Elizabeth and I are not getting along that well right now.
- What's the fight about ?
- It's not a fight.
It's a-- Well,
a couple of days ago,
she asked me to ask her
to marry her,
and I said "No."
No way !
Since then
things have been different.
Well, doesn't that
mean it's over ?
What are you talking about ?
Well, it's just that--
[ Scoffs ]
once you rule out the idea
of marriage, where is there
to go from there ?
Wait a second. Nobody ruled out the idea of marriage.
It's just that I said
I wasn't gonna get married
right now.
I mean, eventually
we're gonna get married.
I mean, definitely
we're gonna get married.
Eventually.
Oh.Just not right now.
Okay.
Well,
[ Sighs ]
I'll bring a brownie
up to the booth later, okay ?
Okay.
[ Applause On Film ]
[ Stops ]
You know,
I'm really surprised
you called me.
I had a really nice time
with you at the party.
Yeah, well,
I did too with you.
It's just--
You know, I was really sorry
about spilling that wine
on your dress.
- I could've sworn
that bottle was empty.
- No, it was okay.
I actually had a harder time
getting the Brie out.
Yeah. You gotta admit
after a couple of drinks,
those things look a lot
like a sponge.
- To new beginnings.
- Yes.
[ Speaks Japanese ]
[ Lena Narrating ] Truth was I was looking for a new beginning, but only as a test.
Before I put my plan into effect, I had to see if I could ever find someone else...
who made me feel the way Max did.
Arigato.
Gracias.
So, do you come here
a lot ?
Actually, I do. It's really healthy here, and, um,
Max turned me onto it, so--
I really trust him, as far as recommendations go.
I think a lot of people say, "You should try this," or "Do that,"
and they think that they know best.
They don't.
Are you okay ?
No-- Yeah--
It's just--
- I swear this
just blinked at me.
- You mean the sea urchin ?
You should try it.
It's delicious.
- What's the yellow thing ?
- That's a quail egg.
It's good for your hair.
See, who comes up
with these combinations ?
It's like
a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
situation.
Two guys walk together--
bang. You got sea urchin
in my quail egg, and they--
You know, it's like
a bacon cheeseburger.
That's a combination.
You get a little slice of pig,
a little slice of cow,
and you put it together.
It's a delicious sandwich.
But this--
I don't know.
I don't really eat meat.
Yeah-- No--
I don't either.
It's just, uh,
a friend of mine ran a ranch,
and that's--
A lot of that came
from, but--
Yes. Tea after a meal is very comforting.
Yeah.
No fortune cookies ?
I think that's only
in Chinese restaurants.
Oh. That's too bad.
I love those.
We like to add a phrase
to the end of the fortune
to make it funnier.
Yeah ! Yeah !
Actually, Max likes to do that.
He adds, "in bed."
So it would be like,
"You will have great fortune
and wealth in bed."
"In bed" is a great one.
That's a great one to add. I like it.
What do you add ?Uh, "and then you die."
That's kind of spooky.
Yeah. Well--
I mean--
Not that you're gonna die.
I meant just more like--
'Cause it's a twist on--
I hadn't heard
the "in bed" one,
which I'll use--
[ Lena Narrating ] The jury was still out, but I felt like I already knew the verdict.
The thing about destiny is it doesn't always come true.
I know its definition says it should.
But I think there's destiny, and then there's potential destiny.
Everyone's got about two or three potential destinies.
Destiny usually decides which destiny comes true.
But if you're clever, you know you have to give the destiny you want a little push.
[ Jack ] So what made you decide to stop by ?
I bought you a present.[ Scoffs ]
Thanks, but what for ?
Well, two reasons. First:
I wanted to thank you for
the party the other night.
And two:
I thought I could help you
improve on your manners.
You really think
I'm rude ?
Here.
What are they ?They're cards, silly.
So you can write people notes
like "thank you's", "get wells,"
"I miss you's."
You're supposed
to mail 'em ?
Well, that's one way,
but it's also nice
to give it in person.
Is this
why you're here ?
Yes. That, and I wanna
rent a video.
All right.
I'll fix you up.
You got anything you want
at your disposal.
What's Lena's first
"fame and fortune" video
gonna be ?
Waited on by the president.
Wow !
I love gettin' back
to the counter.
You've known Elizabeth
for a long time, right ?Yeah. So ?
I guess she's really miserable
ever since Max said
he didn't want to marry her.
- Oh. Yeah. I know.
- Well, maybe you could help.
Maybe I'll send her a card.
There's hope
for you yet.
Thanks for this, okay ?Sure.
All right.
See you.Bye.
- [ Horn Blaring ]
- [ Gasps ]
[ Horn Continues ]
Thanks a lot !
Thank you so much !
You're so very kind !
Excuse me.Oh, Lena.
Hey. My God,
you scared the shit
out of me.
Hi.
God--I-I'm just on
my lunch break.
That truck just tried
to run me over.Rea--
What are you doing ?I'm-- I'm on
my lunch break.
Oh.Um--
[ Both Chuckling ]
Actually, I'm-- Yeah.
I probably have to get back
to work now, so-- I'm late.
Okay.Sorry. I was just
taking a walk.
But I'm late, so--
I'll see you later, though.
Bye.Bye.
[ Lena Narrating ] What if it was the truth.
My plan had always been just to foster the idea.
I knew that lack of trust would do the rest.
But what if my maneuvering had actually brought the two culprits together ?
I should be happy, right ?
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Ringing ][ Woman ]
West Village Animal Hospital.
Yes. Hello.
May I speak with
Elizabeth Black, please ?
She's at
a doctor's appointment.
She'll be out of the office
for the afternoon.
Can I take a message ?
No. No, thank you.
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
[ Max ] Projection.
[ Lena ] Max, I've got some bad news for you.What ?
I just saw Elizabeth,
and she's playing hooky
from work.
What was she doing ?
[ Sighs ]
Max, I don't want you
to get upset.
Lena, what is it ?
I saw her with someone.
Who ?
Lena !
Tell me who it was !
[ Lena Narrating ] It was destiny time.
Jack.
She was with Jack.
Goddamn it !
What were they doing ?
[ Scoffs ]
I don't know--
walking together, closely.
You have to promise me
you're not gonna tell her
I told you.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it !
Where were they ?Downtown.
Look, do you promise
not to tell her ?
Yeah. I won't say anything.
I promise. Oh, Lena ?
If you hear anything else,
call me immediately.
You're the only one
I can trust.
If I hear anything,
I'll call you at home
later.
Okay, Max.
I'll be there.
She's having an affair.Are you sure ?
Somethin's goin' on.
Well, did you ask her
about the other day ?Yes !
She denied it as usual.
But I have more proof
than that.
Remember the other night
when I took her out to dinner ?Yeah.
I found a card in her purse
from Jack.
What kind of card ?
It was your typical
"Forget your loser boyfriend,
let's fuck" card.
Well,
what did it say ?
"Forget your loser boyfriend,
let's fuck."
[ Chuckles ]
Come on.
It said, "If you need someone
to cry to, I'm around.
It'll work out with Max
or without him."
Fucker.
Well, maybe he was just
consoling her.
They've known each other
a long time.
There's always been
sexual tension
between those two.
You saw 'em !Yeah, but--
Maybe it was just innocent.
Then why would she
deny it ?
I don't think
I can handle this.
Yes, you can.No, Lena,
you don't understand.
I've never felt
like this before.
It's like someone else
is in charge of my mind.
I'm helpless.
I'll help you.
You are helping me.
[ Max ] Lena !
- Hey !
- Hey !
- Can I come up ?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry !It's all right.
[ Max ] Maybe I should go over to Jack's right now.
What do you think ? [ Lena ] No.
Remember what I said ?
It's all up to fate now.
So, you might as well
just sit back
and let it happen.
That sounds great.
Like watching football on TV.
Well, the more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she is,
and the more relaxed she is, the better your chances with her are.
- What are you doing ?
- Hmm ? Oh, nothin'.
Max ?
Whatever happens
between you and Elizabeth,
I don't want it
to hurt you.
Too late. It has ?
Well, let's make you
feel better.
Put your head
in my lap.
What are you gonna do ?Nothing weird.
Come here.
Okay.
Now I'm gonna start
an expression and
I want you to finish it.
Okay.
I finish expressions.
Exactly. Good.
Curiosity--
Killed the cat.
Look--But don't touch.
Before you leap.
Oh, yeah. I see.
It takes--
One to know one.
You can't--
Always get what you want.
Now, what is it
that you wish, Lena ?
Tarot ? Maybe palm ?
I just want some advice. Advice ?
Come.
Come and sit in my chair.
If you did some--
something wrong...
to someone
that you loved,
but there was no way
they'd ever find out,
would you tell them ?
This person,
you love him
with your true heart ?
Yes.
And if you don't tell him
he will never know ?
Is this true ?Yes.
Will you ?What ?
You will know, yes ?
Of course.
Then I have
a question for you.
How will your true heart...
ever love...
if it knows its love
holds knives...
and not kisses ?
[ Sighs ]
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Phone Ringing ][ Elizabeth ]
I'm sorry.
[ Ringing Continues ]
Hello ?
It's true, isn't it ?
Who is this ?You can tell me.
You're cheating on him,
aren't you ?
What ?
How could you do it to him ?You don't know
what you're talking about.
Then what was going on
at the movie theater ?
Oh, so you're the little bird.
I knew it. Somehow,
I just knew it.
Well, you want to know
what was going on
at the theater ?
I was waiting for Jack
so I could take him to the
nearest hotel and fuck him.
How's that ?
He betrayed me,
I betrayed him.
So now you'll probably
go out with him and
he'll betray you.
[ Henry ]
Who is it ?
You're making this
all up, aren't you ?
Oh, my God.
I think you might have
just had a thought.
You're a fucking genius,
Lena !
[ Dial Tone Humming ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Max ] Hello ? Max, it's Lena.
Do you know something ?
They're there at your place.
You gotta go.Who ?
Elizabeth. She's with him.
I heard them.
You gotta go fix it.
Are you sure ?I heard him.
Damn it !
They're both there ?
Yes. Max, there's
something I need to tell you--
something about me.
What ?
[ Shouting ]
Lena, what ?
I don't have time
for this !
I-- I lied about seeing
Elizabeth with Jack.
I pushed them together.
I wanted you and Elizabeth
to break up so that
I could be with you.
Max ?
Max ?
[ Lena Narrating ] Right then, I learned the only thing I've ever really learned:
I didn't know anything.
[ Elizabeth ] What difference does it make what I say ? You're not gonna believe me.
[ Max ]
'Cause you can't say it ! I'm saying this.
I am going out tonight and I might not come home. How's that ?
If you explain it,
I will believe you.
I'll see you.If you'd just explain it,
I'd believe you.
[ Grunts ]
That hurt !
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] I was having problems with my boyfriend.
I knew he could be jealous, but somehow this went deeper.
I've always believed there was goodness at the bottom of people.
But now I was beginning to think that if you could strip away...
all the weakness and insecurity, underneath you'd only findmore weakness and insecurity.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
What are you doing ?
Just more problems
with you-know-who.
Oh. That's too bad.
Well, you were so nice
to me about it, at your party,
I thought maybe--
I don't know-- maybe
we could go out for a cup
of coffee or somethin'.
Uh, yeah,
uh, definitely. Um--
Listen, uh,
I'm just about to meet
this woman who I met.Mm-hmm.
Why don't you come along ?
Well, I don't want
to intrude or anything.
She won't mind
if I bring along
an old friend.
Yeah, and interfere
with your getting some ?
I don't think so.
Come on. I just met her.
Why don't you join us ?
Mmm, I think I'll survive
on my own. It's okay.
Are you sure ?Yeah. Yeah.
I'm really sorry. I-- It's okay.
Have fun.
[ Henry ] Split pea ? I'd have taken you for chicken noodle there.
Navy bean or--
Henry. Jack's party.
Mm-hmm.Floss guy.
Elizabeth. Hi. Hey.
So, um, what are you
doing up this late ? I'm always up this late.
I'm always, uh--
My time clock works
a little differently...
than, uh, normal people, so--
What do you mean ?
Well, I sleep in shifts--
from 4:00 until 8:00,
four hours each,
twice a day.
[ Chuckles ]
Why ?
Well, I get twice as many days as most people.
See, I have my day-day,
and then I get a nap,
and then I have my night-day.
I'm 64 and yet remarkably supple.[ Laughs ]
Do you mind if I sit down ?No, go ahead.
Thanks.
[ Groans ]
The real question is, uh,
what are you doing up here
at 1:00 in the morning ?
Mm, I didn't want
to go home.
Mm-hmm ?
Well, actually, there was
someone that I didn't
want to go home to, so--
Yeah. You didn't
have to tell me.
I saw the rest of it
on Melrose Place. [ Laughs ]
What happens ? It's very moving,
until that bitch
steals your baby.
Stop it.How could she ?
[ Laughing ]
Was it bad ?
Bad enough.
[ Laughing ]
That was a good one.That was a good one.
Okay, now the next one
is, um,
you have to do
utter disdain,
all right ?
Yeah. All right.Utter disdain
for a person...
who cuts in front of you
in line.
All right ?
And he's bigger.
That was it.No, come on !
Person cuts in front of me
in line and utter disdain
and he's bigger than I am.
[ Laughs ]
That was good. Yeah ?
Yeah. You're really
good at this.
I spent years
with Mummenschanz.
So I can learn
my lessons well.
All right.
Here's one for you.Okay, I'm ready.
You're on the phone.
You're baby-sitting.
You get a prank phone call.
When suddenly someone breaks in. It's coming from the basement.
[ Gasps ]That was very good.
That was really good.Did you like
the high-pitched scream ?
Yeah. I didn't know your mouth
opened that wide.Wow.
What about the scariest thing ? I ever did ? Um--
Riding the Cyclone. What's that ?
The Cyclone ? Mm-hmm.
Oh, man. It's this really
old wooden roller coaster
out at Coney Island.
Tremendous.I've never
even been there.
We should go. Now ?
- Yeah, absolutely.
It's the best time
- Isn't it closed now ?
No, it's open late, and I don't have to be in bed for another two hours.
Okay. Yeah ?
Yeah, let's go.
[ Horn Sounding ]
[ Woman Scatting ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ People Screaming ]
He used to be so...
much different.
I don't know.
Like those toothpicks,
with the floss on the end ?Yeah.
Man, I know it was
a crazy idea, but I liked it.
I liked that he was
always coming up
with wild ideas.
And what happened ?
Well, ever since I brought up
the idea of marriage,
he kind of lost
his sense of humor.
And now the only wild idea
that he has is that
"I'm not to be trusted."
[ Chuckles ]
Wasn't he writing
a book or something ?
Yeah, but that hasn't happened yet, so--
And what about you ?
What do you want to do ?
You say you like
wild ideas ? Yeah.
I wasn't gonna tell you
what I did, but--
Elizabeth,
I'm a hired assassin. [ Laughs ]
I kill for money
and sheer enjoyment.
And I was hired
by a foreign government
to kill you.
I don't know
what you did in Canada,
but they're very angry.
Come on.
I make prints
for other photographers.
Really ? Yeah.
Do you like it ? It's all right.
It's not the kind of
travel opportunities
as killing for money.
When are you ever serious ?
Just say the word.
[ Touch Tone Dialing ]
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Woman ]
Hello. You've reached
the Black residence.
We're not home right now,
so leave your name and number
and we'll get back to you.
[ Machine Beeps ]Hi, Mom. It's me.
I was just calling
to chat. You home ?
I guess you already
went to work. [ Door Opens ]
Anyway, I should go.
I just wish you were home.
Love to Dad. Bye.
What ?
[ Phone Ringing ]Otherwise, maybe
you should just wait.
And if you want to talk
to the doctor, that would be-- [ Ringing Continues ]
Excuse me.
Uh, West Village
Veterinary Hospital.
[ Whining ]Hi.
No, I was hoping
you would call.
[ Laughs ]
Now ?
[ Horn Blaring ]
Thanks a lot.
Thank you so much.
You're so very kind.
Oh, Lena.Hey. You scared
the shit out of me.
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] It's odd how you need someone else to make you feel guilty.
If you were alone on an island, you'd never feel guilty...
because there'd be no else there to judge you.
But the other requirement for guilt...
is that you have to think it's wrong as well.
It's a two-party contract, which is helpful...
because if you don't think you're guilty,
then you don't have to waste your time feeling that way.Bye.
Hey. Hi.Oh, my God.
We've almost been found out,
I swear.What ?
Elizabeth, where
are we going ?
What ? What ?
What, are you
gonna mug me ?No, no !
[ Panting ]
What's going on ?
She saw me waiting
for you. She saw me
waiting for you.
And I was just sitting there
lying. I stammered so much
I'm sure I gave everything away.
What do you think
she thought ?
That I was crazy--
that's what she
probably thought.
Maybe you are
a little bit.
[ Laughs ]
I know, it's great.
It's good.
Yeah, I am.
I think I am, you know.It's okay.
Yeah, well-- What it is
is I have never been in
this kind of situation before.
I feel like I'm in
some kind of weird--
I don't know. I-I--
I keep thinking that a murderer
always leaves a clue.A murderer ?
Yeah. A murderer
always leaves a clue
at the scene of the crime.
What did you leave behind ?Well, yeah, I haven't
left anything yet.
But I was thinking that...
if I were really bad,
[ Chuckles ]
that I probably would have
left it at Coney Island.
Did you want to leave it ?Sure.
Your heart's beating
so fast.[ Laughs ] Well--
[ Sighs ]
What about Max ?
Or--Um--
I don't know about Max.
Can we just go to
a different movie ?Sure.
Let's just go
to a different movie, okay ?Yeah.
But no foreign films,
all right ? It'll just be
too depressing.
That's okay with me.
I'm allergic to culture.Oh, really ? How convenient.
a rash.
Max ? Can you--
What ?
I got my recommendation
from Dr. Hillard.
It was great. Yeah ?
Great.
That's good.Yeah.
Congratulations,
really.
Thanks. See you.
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello ?
- I couldn't tell him.
How come ?
Well, I couldn't
separate with him...
without telling him
about you and I couldn't...
tell him about you
without... crushing him,
you know ?
And without me becoming
a cheating slut, so--
He's at work, right ?Yeah.
I'm comin' over.
[ Dial Tone Humming ]What ? No, wait !
[ Stammers ]
[ Knocking ]
Hi.Hi.
Can I come in ?
You're not supposed
to be here.
No ?
[ Latches Door ]
The place looks fine.No, I'm sorry.
[ Muttering ]
You can sit right here.Thanks.
I should--
What ?
Tell him.
I should go.What ?
Should I go ?
I don't know.
What do you want ?
I just--
[ Laughs ]
I just want it to be over.
You know ?
But I know that once...
he knows,
[ Sighs ]
that it would be
awful and...
that it will probably...
go on forever.
And I just
don't want to...
start so much...
ugliness.
I'm glad you're here
though.
Yeah.
[ Phone Ringing ]
I'm sorry.
Hello ?[ Lena ]
It's true, isn't it ?
Who is this ?You can tell me.
You're cheating on him, aren't you ? You're a fucking genius, Lena.
Fuck !
Fuck !
[ Woman Giggles ]
Elizabeth, it's me !
I know you two are in here !
- Open the door !
- [ Elizabeth ]
Hold on just a second !
No, I'm not gonna hold on !
I know what you two are doing ! There's no sense in hiding !
Hold on just a second ! This isn't your fault.
Yes, it is. Here.
- Open the fucking door !- This isn't what I meant to do.
- Where is he ?
- What are you doing ?
It's a simple question.
I'd like a direct answer.
Now where is he ?Don't yell at me !
It just upsets me !
Elizabeth, I want you to explain to me what's going on. I don't care if it's a fucking lie !
Now tell me
what's going on here,
and look me in the eye !
I said,
look me in the eye.
I-- I was in the bathroom,
and I was going to
take a shower.
What's that on your neck ?What ?
The mark, what is it ?There's no mark.
What are you talking about ?He is a big boy. All that
weight pushin' down on you.
You don't know.Or was it a hug good-bye,
something sweet and precious ?
You're crazy.Now where did he go ?
Which word
don't you understand ?
- At least I know I'm not crazy.
- You are fuckin' crazy !
[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]
What the fuck
are you doing up here ?
Will I see you ?Some time.
I'm sorry.
[ Max Narrating ] At that moment, I became two Max's:
One was lying on the roof,
while the other one-- me--
floated up into the sky.
As I rose, I began to see what had happened--
to see what I had done.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
And with that knowledge,
I flew into the clouds.
It was a mistake.
I got a bad idea
in my head.
It wasn't a mistake, Max.
I need to be away from you
for a while so I can figure out
what's going on with me.
So you can be with him ?
I don't know what
will happen with Henry.
I just--
I just want to be
on my own for a while.
How long ?I don't know.
And then we get
back together ?
I don't know, Max.
I mean, I don't know
if things could be
the same between us. I--
I mean, I wouldn't say never,
but I wouldn't say maybe either.
But you--I wish it weren't true.
I wish everything
in the world weren't true.
Me too, but it is.
[ Sighs ]
I sold the toothpicks.
Where ?
Chinatown.
Apparently,
they love the flavor.
I sold them to a chain.
They ordered 100,000.
That's great, Max.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
You leaving ?
Yeah.
I guess I should
leave you alone, huh ?
Bye, Elizabeth.
Bye, Max.
[ Lena Narrating ] That day I started to hear a new voice--
one that didn't come from above.
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] You know, if you could strip away...
everything superficial from people,
really get to the bottom of them,
you wouldn't necessarily find weakness and insecurity.
You'd just find something else to strip away.
And behind that would be something else.
What's at the bottom of people ? There is no bottom.
[ Max Narrating ] Then I returned from the sky,
and the two Max's were joined together.
I began to think of something that happened when I was floating in the sky.
I flew into a cloud,
and I heard a voice--
quiet and clear.
It said, "Be careful where you tread,
for the world is full of angels."
[ Max ]
Lena !
"You'll be very successful in
business, and then you'll die."
"You are surrounded
by true friends
who are all going to die."
[ Opening Fortune Cookie ]
Oh. "One of your best friends
will try to destroy your life...
by telling you that your girlfriend is cheating on you, and then you'll die."
- Max, I said
I was sorry for that.
- I'm just joking.
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
"You will find the one
you truly want,
and they'll forgive you...
in bed."And then you'll both die.
So what do we do ?Get out of here because
this is a dangerous area.
I was mugged here.Really ?
Yes, by the freak show--
the bearded lady.
Oh, right.Never call her "Scruffy."
Uh-huh.[ Laughs ]
You don't believe me anymore.No, I don't believe you
anymore.
I'm sorry. What happened ?
Okay, what happened ?
She-- I--
She called me "Scruffy."
We became friends.
You know what they love,
the bearded ladies ?What ?
Uh, flowers and
hair conditioner.
[ Woman Scatting ]
[ Scatting Continues ]
[ Scatting Continues ]
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
[ Man Narrating ] I was once hypnotized by a spoon.
I was alone in the kitchen,
and I pulled one out of the drawer and started staring at it.
It was like it was speaking to me.
I forgot who I was, what I was doing-- everything.
The damn thing had me in a trance.
After a few minutes, when the spoon really had me where it wanted,
it told me to walk over to the trash can and pee in it.
You could say I was a little confused at that moment.
I saw a doctor and he said, "People lose their senses like that all the time."
You know what ?
It isn't just caused by spoons.
[ Panting ]
Sorry ! Sorry ![ Shouting ]
Excuse me !
[ Woman ] Now, I have some very, very good news.
The test came back-- the second test--
and it came in "negative."
Mm-hmm.
[ Door Closes ]Oh, that-- Um--
Excuse me. If I could
have your attention
for a second, please.
Could you hold on
one second ?Thank you.
I need somebody to--
Thank you, Miss.Hold on.
Um, I think this dog
is kind of hurt.
He's got a little cut
on his head here.[ Whimpering ]
[ Scoffs ]
God. It looks like
he's been beaten.
Yeah.
Did you do this ?No. Of course not.
No, I--
I just--
I really need a doctor
to take a look at him.
You know, get some stitches,
a shampoo or something.
Oh, God !
Uh, he's coming. Um--
Who's he ?Uh--
Um, you take him !
Yeah, that's it.
Good. Bye, dog.
[ Dogs Barking ]Give it up, asshole !
I warned you !Dog beater !
[ Barking Continues ]
Well, well, well.
If it ain't the hero.
Take it easy, mister.
I just thought the dog
looked pretty bad.
I thought maybe he might
need some attention,
you know ?
[ Stammering ]
Medical attention.
[ Grunting ]
[ Body Falls To Ground ]
[ Woman ]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay ?
Are you okay ?
Did I kill him ?No, he left.
Did he get the dog ?No, I wouldn't
give it to him.
I told him I was gonna
call the police.
It was so great
what you did.
I don't feel so good.Come on. Let's get you inside
and fixed up.
No, that's okay. I'm--Oh, my God !
You've got a big cut up there.
Come on. Yeah.Actually, I could use
a little comfort right here.
Am I delirious,
or are you kind of pretty ?
[ Chuckles ]
You're very delirious.
What's your name ?Elizabeth.
I'm Max. You like movies ?
[ Man Announcing ] On the weather front,
it looks like summer is gasping its last breath.
It may be warm today, but the forecast calling for cold and rain.
[ Knocking ] Autumn's on its way, folks, whether you like it or not.
[ Door Opens ] [ Woman ] Max is here ! He says he has a date with you.
I'll be right out. [ Door Closes ]
[ Gasps ]
Is that--
Oh, my God !
That's where that guy hit you.
Yeah.[ Gasps ] Wow !
That was so good of you--
I'll be right out !
[ Laughing ]
[ Chattering ]
That's true.
I did ?
A model ? No.
[ Scoffs ]An actress ?
Well, I was in
this stupid film.Really ?
[ Chattering Continues ]
Hi, Max.Hi.
Are you ready to go ?You look beautiful.
Thanks. Bye.Bye.
[ Moaning ]
Stop.
[ Panting ]
I have to get some water. [ Water Running ]
[ Slurping ]
[ Gasps ]
Okay, I'm ready.
[ Moaning Resumes,
Kissing ]
Oh ! What is that ?
[ Max Panting ]
The vacuum cleaner.
She always cleans
when we're in here.
We must be driving her crazy.
How long have we been in here ?
[ Whispering ]
I don't know.
But I think if I stay
in here another two minutes,
I'm gonna break
a personal best.
All right.
Come here, you.[ Moans ]
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Man Announcing ] Tristate area expecting to reach the high 90s.
That's hot.
You could just call
your mother.
Is that the way
you do it in Iowa ?
You remember the rule:
no knocking Iowa.
Look, if I just call
my mother on Mother's Day,
she would kill me.
We have to at least
to take her out to brunch.
She only lives an hour away.
I always just call my mother.Well, that's 'cause
she lives 2,000 miles away.
Yes, but she's very close
to my heart.
Listen, normally I would,
but this time I won't.
My mother called me
and told me that since
you've moved in,
I've only gone
to see her once.
I haven't seen
my mother at all.
Can I help it
if you're evil ?
No, I don't suppose you could,
but would you really want to ?
Evil is so much more
interesting than good,
don't you think ?
Well, it depends on
whether or not we're
going to see my mother.
Well, as long as I can get
some evil in sometime,
I suppose I can swing it.
In that case,
I'm ready to be possessed.
[ Max Narrating ] I used to be... an idiot.
Ta-da.
Oh, Max !
Ohhh.
Open it ! [ Rubs Hands Together ]
I can't believe it.
Go on. Open it.
Oh.
Your toothpick.
Yeah, it came this morning.
Isn't it great ?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, it's nice.
It's just...
a little small.
Oh, God !
I'm an idiot.
I just realized
how this looked.
No. Just--I-I'm sorry.
[ Stammering ]
I just wanted
to surprise you.
No, no, no.
It's just--
I saw the box, and I thought--Of course. I'm a colossally
stupid human being.
- I'm so sorry.
- I shouldn't even bring it up.
It's just since
my little sister got married,
I've been thinking.
I've been thinking
that I'm the last one,
you know ?
I mean, I'm the last one
in my family to--
Yeah, me too.
The same is true for me.
Well, h-have you
thought about it ?
Actually,
I have, a lot.
And I just need to feel
in my chest that it's
the right time for that.
You don't--
You don't feel it
in your chest ?
No, no.
I-I feel it in my chest
that I love you.
I love you.
I just need to feel
in my chest that it's
the right time for that.
Okay ?
Yeah.
You wanna try again ?
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Clears Throat ]
All right.
Ta-da.
Oh, a surprise !
Wow ! What is it ?
Why-- It's--
It's a toothpick
with a floss attachment !
My God. Somebody
ought to market these
to restaurants.
It'd make a lot of money.That's an excellent idea.
Oh, my God.
What's that taste ?
What taste ? [ Unwrapping Toothpick ]
They taste like ginger.
It's kind of strange.Uh-oh.
Ah-ha.
It says right here:
"Ginger Flav."
Houston,
we got a problem.
[ Closes Box ]Serves you right.
[ Sighs ]
[ Max Narrating ] The problem with being an idiot is you can't stop doing it.
You can't just decide one day that you're no longer gonna do idiotic things.
It doesn't work that way.[ Sniffs ]
In order to quit doing idiotic things,
you first have to be able to recognize what they are.
[ Voice ] Tastes like ginger.
Tastes like ginger.
They taste like ginger.
They taste like ginger.
- Taste like ginger.
- [ Door Opens ]
I think I'm in trouble.
I know that expression.
She doesn't look happy.
I really-- Oh
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
Strange things are happenin'
Things that I just can't understand
Who can it be Christ,
they taste like a shrub.
You know what ? How I wish I knew
The floss thing is neat,
but it does taste peculiar. Who could it be
We're fixing the taste.
But the floss part,
that's the important part.
Do you like the design ?Did you design this ?
Yeah, I had the idea,
but--He had a manufacturer--
Yeah, a manufacturer
in Hong Kong made 'em.They're cool.
And they turned into
a Chinese food dish--
Moo shoo Toothpick.
My favorite.Well, it's not as original
as opening...
the one millionth video store
in Manhattan, but-- Good one.
I think they can catch on,
don't you ?
- I'd buy 'em.
- I'm sorry. What's your name ?
Henry. I went to college with Jack.
I went to high school
with Jack. Really ?
- Yeah. Elizabeth.
- Hi. Henry.
- Important thing is, what do
you think of the toothpick ?
- I think they're great.
So, if these things didn't
taste like shit, what were
you gonna do with them ?
[ Mouthing Words ]I was--
If they caught on,
I was gonna try and sell them
to a restaurant chain...
and, um, take some... [ Stops ]
time off and try
to write my... book.Book.
That's cool.Hey !
Hey, what are you doin' ? [ Jazz ]
Putting on some quality.
Are you sayin'
my party lacks quality ?
Of course not.
I love pigs in a blanket.Weenie-wraps. Try one.
No. First I have
to say "hello"
to my favorite co-worker.
Hey.Hi, Maxie !
Come on ! [ Max ]
Try one of these.
Mmm, ginger.You like it ?
Uh-huh. They say it has
very restorative powers.
You hear that ?
There you go.
Elizabeth.Hi.
Lena, this is Henry. Hi.
Hey.It's nice to meet you.
It is ?Mm-hmm.
[ Jack ] I told you, Henry, if I introduce you to these folks, you'd never forget it.
Especially Lena.That's why I never dated you,
Jack. You're so rude.
Trust me. Once you
get to know us, you'll learn
we're very nice people.
Sorry.Excuse me.
[ Max ] Are you all right ?Fine.
Excuse me.
[ Henry ] You learn this in college ?
[ Lena ] No, actually, I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
It's not really a stroke I'm worried about.
What are you worried about ?
Impure thoughts.
Change gonna take you
It's gonna slow you down
It's gonna make you feel
Like you don't want to feel
Your life is gonna come
It's gonna make you crack up
Gonna make you forget about
All those dreams you dreamed about
How will you learn at last
She's gone and won't be back
Maybe you'll understand
What made her go away
One night while you rested
Was the night she packed to go
One night in a thousand
She picked to let you know
She was up for leavin'
She had an itchy pain
She would see the sun shine
Aboard the mornin' train
Change gonna break you
It's gonna throw your ride
And if you anger it
[ Elizabeth ] It was innocent.
Jack was just being Jack.He had his hands
all over you.
He practically did
a cavity search.He did not do a cavity search.
He did too.Don't exaggerate. I know how
it must have seemed to you,
but that doesn't mean
that's the way it was.
All right ?[ Growls ]
[ Growls ]
Do you really believe
I would do something
like that ?
Hmm ?
I'm crazy about you.
Come on.
All right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm--
I don't know what I was.
You said you were sorry.Yes. I said I'm sorry.
You did ?I did.
I said I'm sorry.
It drives me crazy to see men
touch you like that.
It makes me twitch.
Maybe that's a good thing.
No, it's not.
My doctor told me
to cut down on twitching.
What did he say
about your chest ?
It had a relapse, and in time it would get better.
[ Gunfire On Film ]
Morning.
[ Gunshot ]
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Chattering On Film ]
Hi. Don't I know you
from some place ?
I know who you are.
Everybody does.
That ought
to make it easier.
I'm Theresa Porter.
[ Man On Film ]
Wanna dance ?
All right.
Didn't you come with a girl ?
Are you kidding ?
I ain't got a girl.
I knew it.Hmm ?
I said I knew it.
All the girls know it.
They've been wondering
which one you were
going to pick.
[ Man ] Are girls really like that ?
[ Woman ] Are you shocked ? Nah.
So, who's it going to be ?
You got my number, baby.
You had it since
the moment I laid eyes on you.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, Jack !
You're my kind of man,
and you always will be.
[ Gasps ]
Not here.
[ Big Band On Film ]
There's a storm
Deep inside me
Need someone
Who will guide me
[ Elizabeth On Machine ]
Hi. You've reached Max
and Elizabeth's.
So just leave your name
and number, and we'll get back
to you as soon as we can.
[ Answering Machine Beeps ]
In my world
Of confusion
Where's the someone
Who'll show me
Love is not
An illusion
[ Telephone Ringing ] I need love
[ Ringing Continues ]
Hello.
Uh, no,
she's not home yet.
Okay.
[ Siren Wailing ]Bye.
[ Telephone Clicks Down ]
[ Clock Ticking Loudly ]
[ Typewriter Paper Advancing ] [ Voice ] Where is she ?
Where is she ?
Where is she ?
Where is she ?
She's with him. She's with him. She's with him. I know it.
With Jack. Right now. This sucks.
Hey, Lena.
Hi, Maxie.
- Can I have the key
to the booth ?
- Here.
Um, Elizabeth called,
and she said she's sorry.
She ended up staying
at her mom's last night.Thanks.
Wanna talk about it ?
Maybe later.Okay.
I'll come up later.
There's nothing left of her anymore. Just what you see. And it's all yours.
You come in here
dolled up like that.
I told you why
I'm dolled up, didn't I ?
Must you make me repeat it ?
For some reason that I just can't think of, I happen to be in love with you.
But when the district attorney wanted me to give answers...
that would put you in the electric chair, I just... stopped fighting.
[ Man ] Then I'll do it for you.
Are you turning me down ?
I'm not gonna make
a moll out of you.Then you don't love me ?
Of course I love you.
What's that got to do
with anything ?
You wanna be a moll,
come to our parties,
have me tear your clothes off,
slap ya, beat ya ?
Yes. Yes, because
I want to be with you.
Elizabeth,
don't you understand ?
I'm anything you said I was,
only worse.
I don't care.[ Sighs ]
You dumb broad.
You wonderful, dumb broad.
[ Elizabeth's Voice ] This lady came in with a snake...
that she had bought from her daughter, only her daughter was tired of it.
[ Max's Voice ] Wow. What'd you do ?
I told her that
her husband called and that
he was tired of her.
[ Laughing ]And could we
put her to sleep...
the same time
we did the snake ?
Where's the bathroom ?To the left.
Very nice. Good--
Nice touch.
I couldn't help myself.
[ Chuckles ]
More water ?
Please.
Thank you. Yes.
[ Water Pouring ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Jack's Voice ] "Elizabeth,
"If you need anyone to talk to, I'm around.
"Just remember, it will work out with Max...
"or without him.
Love, Jack."
[ Door Closes ]
[ Sighs ]So, how'd it go ?
Same as always.Good.
Say, do you have
any Blistex ?
What ? Yeah.Seems a little chapped.
Max, I'll look.
I can do it.That's okay.
I'm sure it's in here
somewhere. What's this ?
Oh, a note. Who's it from ?
Let's see.
Who's it from ?
Jack.I can't believe
you opened this.
I'm sorry.Yeah.
It just caught my eye.Yeah, I'll bet it did.
Something
I should know about ?
[ Chuckles ]
It's just that ever since
I told Jack that you didn't
want to get married,
he's been...
concerned about me.
Has he ?Mm-hmm.
Is there... something going on
between you two ?
[ Clears Throat ]
Listen to you, Max.
You sound so paranoid.
Now, why don't you
just relax.
Because I can't when I think
something is going on.
Max.What ?
You know I would never
hurt you like that.
I have to tell you something.Mm-hmm.
The nice thing,
that worked the last time.
But I think I need you
to tell me the truth.
What do you wanna hear ?
The truth.
Are you listening ?I'm all ears.
Max, I am absolutely
not cheating on you.
Not with Jack
or anybody else.
All right ?
All right.
Is that enough ?Yeah, that's enough.
Have you decided ?
You'll be sorry
You ever let me down [ Elizabeth Brushing Teeth ]
You'll be sorry
No, I won't hang around [ Projector Running ]
You wonderful, dumb broad. Life must go on
No matter how I feel
Maybe some day
I'll find a love that's real
You'll be sorry
For all you've done to me
You'll be sorry
Now just you wait and see
Vows that you made
Yes Every one you broke
I'll make you pay
Believe me that's no joke
Liz ?
Come on, Liz.
Wake up.
What's happening ?
You were asleep.
I woke you.
I was sleeping ?
Liz.
I've been thinkin'
about us.
And I know--
I mean, I realize how important--
What I'm trying to say...
is that I was wrong
to say "no" to you.
And now I'm asking.
Asking what ?
[ Chuckling ]
I'm asking you to marry me.
I changed my mind.
What do you say ?
Is that great or what ?
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, well,
it would have been
about a month ago,
when we talked about it.
But... things have
changed since then.
I've changed.
Remember--
Remember the way
I used to push you so much.
I was wrong.
And all those things
that you said about...
how you feel in your chest,
I think that you were right.
But my chest is sure now.
But mine's not.
Not anymore.
It's not ?
Mm-mm.
Who is it ?
Who's who ?
Whoever it is that you've been seeing.[ Scoffs ]
Is it Jack ?
Is Jack "who" ?
Youare my boyfriend, Max.
I know I'm your boyfriend.
A lot of people
have boyfriends.
It doesn't mean they don't
have someone else.
Why are you acting
like this ?
Because it makes me feel
so warm and creamy inside.
Now, who is it ?
What do you wanna know ?
Hmm ?
Every man that I've spoken to
since I met you ?
Is that what you wanna know ?
No, we can just start
with the ones that
you've had romantic,
sexual, physical contact with
since we started going out.
You ! Okay ?
It's you ! All right.
Maybe I brushed up against
a guy last week at work,
but I swear I didn't enjoy it.
Okay ? Does that do ? What about Jack ?
I told you about Jack !
Jesus !
I don't give you grief
about the way you and Lena
hang around together. No.
And she's the type
who would have an affair !
You're not answering
my question. You're impossible.
What difference does it make what I say ? You're not gonna believe me, anyway.
'Cause you can't say it ! I can say this.
I am going out tonight,
and I may not come home.
How's that ?
If you explain it,
I will believe you.
I'll see you.I said I would believe you !
[ Groaning ]
That hurt !
[ Door Opens ]
What happened to your eye ?
I hit it on that hook
by the kitchen.
I'm sorry...
about last night.
I am too.
Where'd you go ?
Coney Island.
Yeah ? With who ?
I went by myself.
The hell with my sister !
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Man On Film ]
Really got it bad for her,
don't you ?
Put away the heat, kid.
I seen the way
you look at her.
I got eyes in my head.
You ain't seen nothin',
kid.
Max, what are you
doing here ?Shut up !
He's goin' a little wild.Yeah ?
I'm goin' a little wild.
The only thing
that's gonna cure me
is your blood-- lots of it.
Max, put the gun down.
Oh !
[ Gunshot ]
He was all hopped up.
Oh, Jack.
[ Ringing ]
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Max ] Hello ? Max, it's Lena.
Do you know something ?
They're there at your place.
You gotta go.
[ Panting ]
[ Max Narrating ] The time for thinking was over. I was finally going to find...
the truth.
[ Stairs Creaking ]
With every step I took, the stairs called out to me.
[ Voice Creaking ] Don't... do it.
Go... back.
Damn stairs. Why couldn't they mind their own business ?
Then I heard something else.
[ Elizabeth Laughing ]
I heard a voice.
Elizabeth, it's me !
Open the door !
I know you two are in there.
Now open the door !
[ Elizabeth ]
Hold on just a second !
[ Max ] No, I'm not gonna hold on just a second !
I know what's going on ! There's no use in hiding it !
Now open the goddamn door !
Hold on just a second !
[ Max Narrating ] As I burst into that room,
I realized I had removed all doubt of who I was.
I was an idiot.
[ Lena Narrating ] It all started the day that Jack had that party.
I was baby-sitting Donita.
Does he talk about Jesus ?
Not that God.What other God is there ?
The God I'm talking about
is different than
those other gods.
He doesn't talk about
right and wrong and all that.Why not ?
Well, 'cause He talks
to special people
like you and me,
and He knows
we're not interested in that.
He doesn't talk to me.He will.
What does He do ?
Well, mostly
He just floats around
and watches people,
but sometimes He tries
to let people know
that He's alive.
Oh. Like Houdini's ghost.Exactly.
Hi, Mom !Hi ! Give your Mom
a big hug.
- Ooh ! I missed you.
- [ Donita ] I missed you too.
[ Chuckling ]
You sell any cards today ?
Some. Not that many.Aw.
[ Lena ] Hey. You didn't tellme you were selling any cards.
There you are,
a new customer. [ Lena ] What do you got ?
Some angel cards.Let me see.
Oh, I like those.
Can I buy the whole box ?Sure.
Is this gonna be enough ?
Wow ! Thanks, Lena.
Sure. Thank you.
How is it, Lena ?It's okay.
Come and sit.
We find out what else
happening with you.
[ Folk ] [ Woman ] The King of Wands.
It's very interesting
what's happening today
in cards for you, Lena.
I think this has something
to do with...
mystery in your life.
You have a mystery ?
Maybe mystery man ?Maybe.
- But you don't know everything
about him, do you ?
- No.
Well, then it's definite. This mean you got a mystery man.
[ Turning Card Over ]
Oh, no !
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Lena.
Your mystery man--
he's hanging upside down.
There is something wrong here
with you and mystery man.
Is this true ?Yes.
Well, then something is
about to change.
He may become ex-mystery man,
and you don't see him no more.
Why not ?Because he's hanging
upside down.
[ Continues ]Oh.
Or maybe he could become
ex-mystery,
and the mystery will disappear,
and you will know everything
about him.
Either way,
he will be ex-something.An ex-man.
Yes !
Ex-something man.
He gonna have a big impact
on you, Lena.
[ Lena Narrating ] It was the fortune I had been waiting for.
My destiny was finally doing what I wanted it to.
All right. I'll fill you in.
I knew I was in love with Max from when I first met him.
It was like there was a halo around him or something.
I just knew.
He was the only person I knew with an "X" in his name.
Oh And now I was gonna find out if he had an ex in his life.
I've got a feelin'
Somebody's tryin' to steal my man
I've got a feelin'
God was gonna give me a sign. Somebody's tryin'
To steal my man
Strange things are happenin'
I told you, Henry,
if I introduce you
to these folks,
you'd never forget it.
Especially Lena.
Jack, that's why
I never went out with you.
You're so rude.
Excuse me. [ Jack ] Sorry.
Excuse me.
[ Continues ]
[ Lena Narrating ] God had delivered.
[ Jazz ] [ Chattering On Film ]
[ Projector Whirring ]
[ Stops ] [ Applause On Film ]
[ Resumes ]
[ Continues ]
[ Lena ]
Have you ever
watched this movie ?
About a thousand times.
Watch it. It's good.
I've seen it.
Trust me.
Is something bothering you ?
What makes
you say that ?
It's obvious.
Nothing is obvious.
You are to me.
Really ?
Something's definitely wrong, otherwise you wouldn't even have let me say that.
Yeah, well, I left all
my biting responses at home.
Is that where you left
what's bothering you ?[ Chuckling ]
[ Chuckling ]Well, if you must know,
Elizabeth and I are not getting along that well right now.
- What's the fight about ?
- It's not a fight.
It's a-- Well,
a couple of days ago,
she asked me to ask her
to marry her,
and I said "No."
No way !
Since then
things have been different.
Well, doesn't that
mean it's over ?
What are you talking about ?
Well, it's just that--
[ Scoffs ]
once you rule out the idea
of marriage, where is there
to go from there ?
Wait a second. Nobody ruled out the idea of marriage.
It's just that I said
I wasn't gonna get married
right now.
I mean, eventually
we're gonna get married.
I mean, definitely
we're gonna get married.
Eventually.
Oh.Just not right now.
Okay.
Well,
[ Sighs ]
I'll bring a brownie
up to the booth later, okay ?
Okay.
[ Applause On Film ]
[ Stops ]
You know,
I'm really surprised
you called me.
I had a really nice time
with you at the party.
Yeah, well,
I did too with you.
It's just--
You know, I was really sorry
about spilling that wine
on your dress.
- I could've sworn
that bottle was empty.
- No, it was okay.
I actually had a harder time
getting the Brie out.
Yeah. You gotta admit
after a couple of drinks,
those things look a lot
like a sponge.
- To new beginnings.
- Yes.
[ Speaks Japanese ]
[ Lena Narrating ] Truth was I was looking for a new beginning, but only as a test.
Before I put my plan into effect, I had to see if I could ever find someone else...
who made me feel the way Max did.
Arigato.
Gracias.
So, do you come here
a lot ?
Actually, I do. It's really healthy here, and, um,
Max turned me onto it, so--
I really trust him, as far as recommendations go.
I think a lot of people say, "You should try this," or "Do that,"
and they think that they know best.
They don't.
Are you okay ?
No-- Yeah--
It's just--
- I swear this
just blinked at me.
- You mean the sea urchin ?
You should try it.
It's delicious.
- What's the yellow thing ?
- That's a quail egg.
It's good for your hair.
See, who comes up
with these combinations ?
It's like
a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
situation.
Two guys walk together--
bang. You got sea urchin
in my quail egg, and they--
You know, it's like
a bacon cheeseburger.
That's a combination.
You get a little slice of pig,
a little slice of cow,
and you put it together.
It's a delicious sandwich.
But this--
I don't know.
I don't really eat meat.
Yeah-- No--
I don't either.
It's just, uh,
a friend of mine ran a ranch,
and that's--
A lot of that came
from, but--
Yes. Tea after a meal is very comforting.
Yeah.
No fortune cookies ?
I think that's only
in Chinese restaurants.
Oh. That's too bad.
I love those.
We like to add a phrase
to the end of the fortune
to make it funnier.
Yeah ! Yeah !
Actually, Max likes to do that.
He adds, "in bed."
So it would be like,
"You will have great fortune
and wealth in bed."
"In bed" is a great one.
That's a great one to add. I like it.
What do you add ?Uh, "and then you die."
That's kind of spooky.
Yeah. Well--
I mean--
Not that you're gonna die.
I meant just more like--
'Cause it's a twist on--
I hadn't heard
the "in bed" one,
which I'll use--
[ Lena Narrating ] The jury was still out, but I felt like I already knew the verdict.
The thing about destiny is it doesn't always come true.
I know its definition says it should.
But I think there's destiny, and then there's potential destiny.
Everyone's got about two or three potential destinies.
Destiny usually decides which destiny comes true.
But if you're clever, you know you have to give the destiny you want a little push.
[ Jack ] So what made you decide to stop by ?
I bought you a present.[ Scoffs ]
Thanks, but what for ?
Well, two reasons. First:
I wanted to thank you for
the party the other night.
And two:
I thought I could help you
improve on your manners.
You really think
I'm rude ?
Here.
What are they ?They're cards, silly.
So you can write people notes
like "thank you's", "get wells,"
"I miss you's."
You're supposed
to mail 'em ?
Well, that's one way,
but it's also nice
to give it in person.
Is this
why you're here ?
Yes. That, and I wanna
rent a video.
All right.
I'll fix you up.
You got anything you want
at your disposal.
What's Lena's first
"fame and fortune" video
gonna be ?
Waited on by the president.
Wow !
I love gettin' back
to the counter.
You've known Elizabeth
for a long time, right ?Yeah. So ?
I guess she's really miserable
ever since Max said
he didn't want to marry her.
- Oh. Yeah. I know.
- Well, maybe you could help.
Maybe I'll send her a card.
There's hope
for you yet.
Thanks for this, okay ?Sure.
All right.
See you.Bye.
- [ Horn Blaring ]
- [ Gasps ]
[ Horn Continues ]
Thanks a lot !
Thank you so much !
You're so very kind !
Excuse me.Oh, Lena.
Hey. My God,
you scared the shit
out of me.
Hi.
God--I-I'm just on
my lunch break.
That truck just tried
to run me over.Rea--
What are you doing ?I'm-- I'm on
my lunch break.
Oh.Um--
[ Both Chuckling ]
Actually, I'm-- Yeah.
I probably have to get back
to work now, so-- I'm late.
Okay.Sorry. I was just
taking a walk.
But I'm late, so--
I'll see you later, though.
Bye.Bye.
[ Lena Narrating ] What if it was the truth.
My plan had always been just to foster the idea.
I knew that lack of trust would do the rest.
But what if my maneuvering had actually brought the two culprits together ?
I should be happy, right ?
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Ringing ][ Woman ]
West Village Animal Hospital.
Yes. Hello.
May I speak with
Elizabeth Black, please ?
She's at
a doctor's appointment.
She'll be out of the office
for the afternoon.
Can I take a message ?
No. No, thank you.
[ Dial Tone ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
[ Max ] Projection.
[ Lena ] Max, I've got some bad news for you.What ?
I just saw Elizabeth,
and she's playing hooky
from work.
What was she doing ?
[ Sighs ]
Max, I don't want you
to get upset.
Lena, what is it ?
I saw her with someone.
Who ?
Lena !
Tell me who it was !
[ Lena Narrating ] It was destiny time.
Jack.
She was with Jack.
Goddamn it !
What were they doing ?
[ Scoffs ]
I don't know--
walking together, closely.
You have to promise me
you're not gonna tell her
I told you.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it !
Where were they ?Downtown.
Look, do you promise
not to tell her ?
Yeah. I won't say anything.
I promise. Oh, Lena ?
If you hear anything else,
call me immediately.
You're the only one
I can trust.
If I hear anything,
I'll call you at home
later.
Okay, Max.
I'll be there.
She's having an affair.Are you sure ?
Somethin's goin' on.
Well, did you ask her
about the other day ?Yes !
She denied it as usual.
But I have more proof
than that.
Remember the other night
when I took her out to dinner ?Yeah.
I found a card in her purse
from Jack.
What kind of card ?
It was your typical
"Forget your loser boyfriend,
let's fuck" card.
Well,
what did it say ?
"Forget your loser boyfriend,
let's fuck."
[ Chuckles ]
Come on.
It said, "If you need someone
to cry to, I'm around.
It'll work out with Max
or without him."
Fucker.
Well, maybe he was just
consoling her.
They've known each other
a long time.
There's always been
sexual tension
between those two.
You saw 'em !Yeah, but--
Maybe it was just innocent.
Then why would she
deny it ?
I don't think
I can handle this.
Yes, you can.No, Lena,
you don't understand.
I've never felt
like this before.
It's like someone else
is in charge of my mind.
I'm helpless.
I'll help you.
You are helping me.
[ Max ] Lena !
- Hey !
- Hey !
- Can I come up ?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry !It's all right.
[ Max ] Maybe I should go over to Jack's right now.
What do you think ? [ Lena ] No.
Remember what I said ?
It's all up to fate now.
So, you might as well
just sit back
and let it happen.
That sounds great.
Like watching football on TV.
Well, the more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she is,
and the more relaxed she is, the better your chances with her are.
- What are you doing ?
- Hmm ? Oh, nothin'.
Max ?
Whatever happens
between you and Elizabeth,
I don't want it
to hurt you.
Too late. It has ?
Well, let's make you
feel better.
Put your head
in my lap.
What are you gonna do ?Nothing weird.
Come here.
Okay.
Now I'm gonna start
an expression and
I want you to finish it.
Okay.
I finish expressions.
Exactly. Good.
Curiosity--
Killed the cat.
Look--But don't touch.
Before you leap.
Oh, yeah. I see.
It takes--
One to know one.
You can't--
Always get what you want.
Now, what is it
that you wish, Lena ?
Tarot ? Maybe palm ?
I just want some advice. Advice ?
Come.
Come and sit in my chair.
If you did some--
something wrong...
to someone
that you loved,
but there was no way
they'd ever find out,
would you tell them ?
This person,
you love him
with your true heart ?
Yes.
And if you don't tell him
he will never know ?
Is this true ?Yes.
Will you ?What ?
You will know, yes ?
Of course.
Then I have
a question for you.
How will your true heart...
ever love...
if it knows its love
holds knives...
and not kisses ?
[ Sighs ]
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Phone Ringing ][ Elizabeth ]
I'm sorry.
[ Ringing Continues ]
Hello ?
It's true, isn't it ?
Who is this ?You can tell me.
You're cheating on him,
aren't you ?
What ?
How could you do it to him ?You don't know
what you're talking about.
Then what was going on
at the movie theater ?
Oh, so you're the little bird.
I knew it. Somehow,
I just knew it.
Well, you want to know
what was going on
at the theater ?
I was waiting for Jack
so I could take him to the
nearest hotel and fuck him.
How's that ?
He betrayed me,
I betrayed him.
So now you'll probably
go out with him and
he'll betray you.
[ Henry ]
Who is it ?
You're making this
all up, aren't you ?
Oh, my God.
I think you might have
just had a thought.
You're a fucking genius,
Lena !
[ Dial Tone Humming ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Max ] Hello ? Max, it's Lena.
Do you know something ?
They're there at your place.
You gotta go.Who ?
Elizabeth. She's with him.
I heard them.
You gotta go fix it.
Are you sure ?I heard him.
Damn it !
They're both there ?
Yes. Max, there's
something I need to tell you--
something about me.
What ?
[ Shouting ]
Lena, what ?
I don't have time
for this !
I-- I lied about seeing
Elizabeth with Jack.
I pushed them together.
I wanted you and Elizabeth
to break up so that
I could be with you.
Max ?
Max ?
[ Lena Narrating ] Right then, I learned the only thing I've ever really learned:
I didn't know anything.
[ Elizabeth ] What difference does it make what I say ? You're not gonna believe me.
[ Max ]
'Cause you can't say it ! I'm saying this.
I am going out tonight and I might not come home. How's that ?
If you explain it,
I will believe you.
I'll see you.If you'd just explain it,
I'd believe you.
[ Grunts ]
That hurt !
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] I was having problems with my boyfriend.
I knew he could be jealous, but somehow this went deeper.
I've always believed there was goodness at the bottom of people.
But now I was beginning to think that if you could strip away...
all the weakness and insecurity, underneath you'd only findmore weakness and insecurity.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
What are you doing ?
Just more problems
with you-know-who.
Oh. That's too bad.
Well, you were so nice
to me about it, at your party,
I thought maybe--
I don't know-- maybe
we could go out for a cup
of coffee or somethin'.
Uh, yeah,
uh, definitely. Um--
Listen, uh,
I'm just about to meet
this woman who I met.Mm-hmm.
Why don't you come along ?
Well, I don't want
to intrude or anything.
She won't mind
if I bring along
an old friend.
Yeah, and interfere
with your getting some ?
I don't think so.
Come on. I just met her.
Why don't you join us ?
Mmm, I think I'll survive
on my own. It's okay.
Are you sure ?Yeah. Yeah.
I'm really sorry. I-- It's okay.
Have fun.
[ Henry ] Split pea ? I'd have taken you for chicken noodle there.
Navy bean or--
Henry. Jack's party.
Mm-hmm.Floss guy.
Elizabeth. Hi. Hey.
So, um, what are you
doing up this late ? I'm always up this late.
I'm always, uh--
My time clock works
a little differently...
than, uh, normal people, so--
What do you mean ?
Well, I sleep in shifts--
from 4:00 until 8:00,
four hours each,
twice a day.
[ Chuckles ]
Why ?
Well, I get twice as many days as most people.
See, I have my day-day,
and then I get a nap,
and then I have my night-day.
I'm 64 and yet remarkably supple.[ Laughs ]
Do you mind if I sit down ?No, go ahead.
Thanks.
[ Groans ]
The real question is, uh,
what are you doing up here
at 1:00 in the morning ?
Mm, I didn't want
to go home.
Mm-hmm ?
Well, actually, there was
someone that I didn't
want to go home to, so--
Yeah. You didn't
have to tell me.
I saw the rest of it
on Melrose Place. [ Laughs ]
What happens ? It's very moving,
until that bitch
steals your baby.
Stop it.How could she ?
[ Laughing ]
Was it bad ?
Bad enough.
[ Laughing ]
That was a good one.That was a good one.
Okay, now the next one
is, um,
you have to do
utter disdain,
all right ?
Yeah. All right.Utter disdain
for a person...
who cuts in front of you
in line.
All right ?
And he's bigger.
That was it.No, come on !
Person cuts in front of me
in line and utter disdain
and he's bigger than I am.
[ Laughs ]
That was good. Yeah ?
Yeah. You're really
good at this.
I spent years
with Mummenschanz.
So I can learn
my lessons well.
All right.
Here's one for you.Okay, I'm ready.
You're on the phone.
You're baby-sitting.
You get a prank phone call.
When suddenly someone breaks in. It's coming from the basement.
[ Gasps ]That was very good.
That was really good.Did you like
the high-pitched scream ?
Yeah. I didn't know your mouth
opened that wide.Wow.
What about the scariest thing ? I ever did ? Um--
Riding the Cyclone. What's that ?
The Cyclone ? Mm-hmm.
Oh, man. It's this really
old wooden roller coaster
out at Coney Island.
Tremendous.I've never
even been there.
We should go. Now ?
- Yeah, absolutely.
It's the best time
- Isn't it closed now ?
No, it's open late, and I don't have to be in bed for another two hours.
Okay. Yeah ?
Yeah, let's go.
[ Horn Sounding ]
[ Woman Scatting ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ People Screaming ]
He used to be so...
much different.
I don't know.
Like those toothpicks,
with the floss on the end ?Yeah.
Man, I know it was
a crazy idea, but I liked it.
I liked that he was
always coming up
with wild ideas.
And what happened ?
Well, ever since I brought up
the idea of marriage,
he kind of lost
his sense of humor.
And now the only wild idea
that he has is that
"I'm not to be trusted."
[ Chuckles ]
Wasn't he writing
a book or something ?
Yeah, but that hasn't happened yet, so--
And what about you ?
What do you want to do ?
You say you like
wild ideas ? Yeah.
I wasn't gonna tell you
what I did, but--
Elizabeth,
I'm a hired assassin. [ Laughs ]
I kill for money
and sheer enjoyment.
And I was hired
by a foreign government
to kill you.
I don't know
what you did in Canada,
but they're very angry.
Come on.
I make prints
for other photographers.
Really ? Yeah.
Do you like it ? It's all right.
It's not the kind of
travel opportunities
as killing for money.
When are you ever serious ?
Just say the word.
[ Touch Tone Dialing ]
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Woman ]
Hello. You've reached
the Black residence.
We're not home right now,
so leave your name and number
and we'll get back to you.
[ Machine Beeps ]Hi, Mom. It's me.
I was just calling
to chat. You home ?
I guess you already
went to work. [ Door Opens ]
Anyway, I should go.
I just wish you were home.
Love to Dad. Bye.
What ?
[ Phone Ringing ]Otherwise, maybe
you should just wait.
And if you want to talk
to the doctor, that would be-- [ Ringing Continues ]
Excuse me.
Uh, West Village
Veterinary Hospital.
[ Whining ]Hi.
No, I was hoping
you would call.
[ Laughs ]
Now ?
[ Horn Blaring ]
Thanks a lot.
Thank you so much.
You're so very kind.
Oh, Lena.Hey. You scared
the shit out of me.
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] It's odd how you need someone else to make you feel guilty.
If you were alone on an island, you'd never feel guilty...
because there'd be no else there to judge you.
But the other requirement for guilt...
is that you have to think it's wrong as well.
It's a two-party contract, which is helpful...
because if you don't think you're guilty,
then you don't have to waste your time feeling that way.Bye.
Hey. Hi.Oh, my God.
We've almost been found out,
I swear.What ?
Elizabeth, where
are we going ?
What ? What ?
What, are you
gonna mug me ?No, no !
[ Panting ]
What's going on ?
She saw me waiting
for you. She saw me
waiting for you.
And I was just sitting there
lying. I stammered so much
I'm sure I gave everything away.
What do you think
she thought ?
That I was crazy--
that's what she
probably thought.
Maybe you are
a little bit.
[ Laughs ]
I know, it's great.
It's good.
Yeah, I am.
I think I am, you know.It's okay.
Yeah, well-- What it is
is I have never been in
this kind of situation before.
I feel like I'm in
some kind of weird--
I don't know. I-I--
I keep thinking that a murderer
always leaves a clue.A murderer ?
Yeah. A murderer
always leaves a clue
at the scene of the crime.
What did you leave behind ?Well, yeah, I haven't
left anything yet.
But I was thinking that...
if I were really bad,
[ Chuckles ]
that I probably would have
left it at Coney Island.
Did you want to leave it ?Sure.
Your heart's beating
so fast.[ Laughs ] Well--
[ Sighs ]
What about Max ?
Or--Um--
I don't know about Max.
Can we just go to
a different movie ?Sure.
Let's just go
to a different movie, okay ?Yeah.
But no foreign films,
all right ? It'll just be
too depressing.
That's okay with me.
I'm allergic to culture.Oh, really ? How convenient.
a rash.
Max ? Can you--
What ?
I got my recommendation
from Dr. Hillard.
It was great. Yeah ?
Great.
That's good.Yeah.
Congratulations,
really.
Thanks. See you.
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello ?
- I couldn't tell him.
How come ?
Well, I couldn't
separate with him...
without telling him
about you and I couldn't...
tell him about you
without... crushing him,
you know ?
And without me becoming
a cheating slut, so--
He's at work, right ?Yeah.
I'm comin' over.
[ Dial Tone Humming ]What ? No, wait !
[ Stammers ]
[ Knocking ]
Hi.Hi.
Can I come in ?
You're not supposed
to be here.
No ?
[ Latches Door ]
The place looks fine.No, I'm sorry.
[ Muttering ]
You can sit right here.Thanks.
I should--
What ?
Tell him.
I should go.What ?
Should I go ?
I don't know.
What do you want ?
I just--
[ Laughs ]
I just want it to be over.
You know ?
But I know that once...
he knows,
[ Sighs ]
that it would be
awful and...
that it will probably...
go on forever.
And I just
don't want to...
start so much...
ugliness.
I'm glad you're here
though.
Yeah.
[ Phone Ringing ]
I'm sorry.
Hello ?[ Lena ]
It's true, isn't it ?
Who is this ?You can tell me.
You're cheating on him, aren't you ? You're a fucking genius, Lena.
Fuck !
Fuck !
[ Woman Giggles ]
Elizabeth, it's me !
I know you two are in here !
- Open the door !
- [ Elizabeth ]
Hold on just a second !
No, I'm not gonna hold on !
I know what you two are doing ! There's no sense in hiding !
Hold on just a second ! This isn't your fault.
Yes, it is. Here.
- Open the fucking door !- This isn't what I meant to do.
- Where is he ?
- What are you doing ?
It's a simple question.
I'd like a direct answer.
Now where is he ?Don't yell at me !
It just upsets me !
Elizabeth, I want you to explain to me what's going on. I don't care if it's a fucking lie !
Now tell me
what's going on here,
and look me in the eye !
I said,
look me in the eye.
I-- I was in the bathroom,
and I was going to
take a shower.
What's that on your neck ?What ?
The mark, what is it ?There's no mark.
What are you talking about ?He is a big boy. All that
weight pushin' down on you.
You don't know.Or was it a hug good-bye,
something sweet and precious ?
You're crazy.Now where did he go ?
Which word
don't you understand ?
- At least I know I'm not crazy.
- You are fuckin' crazy !
[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]
What the fuck
are you doing up here ?
Will I see you ?Some time.
I'm sorry.
[ Max Narrating ] At that moment, I became two Max's:
One was lying on the roof,
while the other one-- me--
floated up into the sky.
As I rose, I began to see what had happened--
to see what I had done.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
And with that knowledge,
I flew into the clouds.
It was a mistake.
I got a bad idea
in my head.
It wasn't a mistake, Max.
I need to be away from you
for a while so I can figure out
what's going on with me.
So you can be with him ?
I don't know what
will happen with Henry.
I just--
I just want to be
on my own for a while.
How long ?I don't know.
And then we get
back together ?
I don't know, Max.
I mean, I don't know
if things could be
the same between us. I--
I mean, I wouldn't say never,
but I wouldn't say maybe either.
But you--I wish it weren't true.
I wish everything
in the world weren't true.
Me too, but it is.
[ Sighs ]
I sold the toothpicks.
Where ?
Chinatown.
Apparently,
they love the flavor.
I sold them to a chain.
They ordered 100,000.
That's great, Max.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
You leaving ?
Yeah.
I guess I should
leave you alone, huh ?
Bye, Elizabeth.
Bye, Max.
[ Lena Narrating ] That day I started to hear a new voice--
one that didn't come from above.
[ Elizabeth Narrating ] You know, if you could strip away...
everything superficial from people,
really get to the bottom of them,
you wouldn't necessarily find weakness and insecurity.
You'd just find something else to strip away.
And behind that would be something else.
What's at the bottom of people ? There is no bottom.
[ Max Narrating ] Then I returned from the sky,
and the two Max's were joined together.
I began to think of something that happened when I was floating in the sky.
I flew into a cloud,
and I heard a voice--
quiet and clear.
It said, "Be careful where you tread,
for the world is full of angels."
[ Max ]
Lena !
"You'll be very successful in
business, and then you'll die."
"You are surrounded
by true friends
who are all going to die."
[ Opening Fortune Cookie ]
Oh. "One of your best friends
will try to destroy your life...
by telling you that your girlfriend is cheating on you, and then you'll die."
- Max, I said
I was sorry for that.
- I'm just joking.
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
"You will find the one
you truly want,
and they'll forgive you...
in bed."And then you'll both die.
So what do we do ?Get out of here because
this is a dangerous area.
I was mugged here.Really ?
Yes, by the freak show--
the bearded lady.
Oh, right.Never call her "Scruffy."
Uh-huh.[ Laughs ]
You don't believe me anymore.No, I don't believe you
anymore.
I'm sorry. What happened ?
Okay, what happened ?
She-- I--
She called me "Scruffy."
We became friends.
You know what they love,
the bearded ladies ?What ?
Uh, flowers and
hair conditioner.
[ Woman Scatting ]
[ Scatting Continues ]
[ Scatting Continues ]