Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling (2009) Movie Script

Ben, honey, don't forget
your jockstrap thing.
Twenty-two seconds into high school
and my social life is already over.
Dweeb, nerd, slut.
Super nerd. Not you, you.
- Zach, hey what's up?
- Nothing. What's up with you?
This is going to be our year, Benji.
Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
Yeah, I'll settle for a moderate drop
in public ridicule.
- Still aiming low, huh?
- Still self-deluded, huh?
You really think we got a shot
with all these older guys around?
These girls aren't looking
for Daddy in their men.
That'll come later. Am I right, ladies?
Let's go.
Howdy! Howdy!
Check out Sissy McPhee.
Looks like she made two new friends
over the summer.
- Yeah!
- Hey, guys.
Stand back as I boldly go
where no man has gone before.
Just sign here. Rats have rights, too.
No more dissections.
Rats have rights, too.
Please just sign here.
Rats have rights, too.
- Just sign here.
- I'll sign.
Hi. I'm Heather.
- And you are?
- Heather.
Right. Well, here's the petition.
Yeah, dissections are terrible,
especially for,
you know, the thing getting dissected.
Awesome! It's really cool
to meet someone
who is also into not killing animals.
Like sometimes, I'm afraid to tell people
that I'm the "V" word.
- "Virgin"?
- Well, I meant "vegetarian."
Thanks. You've done a great thing here.
Ben Reed.
Just sign here. No more dissections.
- Look here. Fresh meat.
- He's checking out lab-rat girl.
Maybe we should call him rat-boy, huh?
Hey, rat-boy.
Hey, Ben, are these boys
bothering you?
Guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Hey, tell me, who do you prefer more,
Bruce Wayne or his Boy Wonder?
I'm guessing they both
like the Boy Wonder.
Get him!
Get him, man! Get him!
- Oh, my God!
- Get the hell off him!
"I'm thinking they both like
the Boy Wonder." Brilliant!
I told you this was going to
be our year, Benji.
Hey, do me a solid and wake me up
when Lipshutz is ready for us, okay?
Sure thing.
Sweetie, don't forget
your meatball sandwich.
You can expel me
for freeing the lab rats,
but you can't make me give up the fight.
- You're done at this school.
- Rats have rights. Free the rats!
Don't do this to the rats!
Rats have rights, too.
Free the rats! Free all the rats!
Don't worry, Benji.
Plenty of other fish in the sea.
Thank you.
How you doing, Mrs. Washington?
I'm going to be back
for that canasta game real soon,
but this time I shuffle.
What's up, Mr. Reynolds?
I see the Viagra order came in today.
Oh, yeah.
- Watch out, ladies.
- Hi, Zach.
By the way, Mrs. B, allow me to say
how much I love the new robe.
Parisian velour, am I right?
- You are such a flirt!
- That's how I roll, Mrs. B.
There you are, Grandmama.
Ready for another cracking good day
of chitty-chat?
Oh, chit.
Zachary, this is
my step-grandson Nigel.
He's some computer whiz
from England.
Yes. Bristol, actually.
Just off the Severn Estuary there.
Though not really computers, mind you,
more mobile Internet device
manufacturing, to be exact.
All very technical,
all really rather boring, I'm afraid.
Well, right-o!
Shall we pop outside for a little turn?
Yes? Lovely. Here we go then. Right-o!
You can join us again at 6:00 and 11:00
for all the local news and weather.
Coming up next,
The Return of Batman and Robin.
- For you.
- Thank you.
- Ben Reed.
- Benji, it's me.
You'll never guess
what they're playing on TV right now.
Zach, can this wait?
I'm kind of swamped right now.
Oh sure. No problem.
Just call me when you get a chance.
Yeah, will do. Later.
Ben, good news. The Laport brothers
just jumped their bail.
- What? How is that good news for me?
- Well, it's not,
since they must be
furious with you right now.
They thought you were going to
get those charges dropped.
They shot up a deli
in front of two dozen people
simply 'cause the deli
mixed up their order.
It's a minor miracle I got the judge
to even allow a bail bond, sir.
Well, you're right.
That just means an even bigger case
to represent them on, now doesn't it?
- Once the cops catch up with them, of course.
- Sure
Ah, those Laport brothers.
They're quite the cash cow, aren't they?
Actually, sir, I was wondering
if you would assign another attorney
to the case,
so I can finally get started on that
civil rights case I've been working on?
Got a new one here for you, Ben.
I think you'll like this one.
- You call me tonight on that, will you?
- I will do, sir.
- I... Sir...
- Okay, thanks.
Yeah, I'm going to have to call you back.
Okay. All right. Bye.
That. Did you hear that?
Listen, I'm sorry... Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just... I gotta...
Oh, God! Did you see that?
Grab a beer. Yeah, yeah...
We need these done by Friday.
Thanks, guys.
Hi, Zach!
Easy, Mr. Reynolds.
Hey, listen, guys. If you guys
aren't doing anything Saturday,
I know a club that has
a great seniors' night.
So if you're not doing any...
Just a second.
Excuse me.
- Mrs. Bessler, is she okay?
- It's her heart.
I'm afraid she doesn't have much time.
- How are you, Mrs. B?
- Zachary.
Don't talk, Mrs. Bessler.
Just save your strength.
Just shut up and listen.
- Okay.
- It's about my granddaughter.
I need to see her again before I die.
Of course. Just give me
her name and number,
I'll give her a call for you.
That's the problem.
You see, she's missing.
Yes, seven years now, I'm afraid.
My step-sister left
on a quest or some such.
Hasn't been seen since.
Interesting story how we came
to be step-siblings, by the by.
It seems her father, Grandmama's son,
was visiting Bristol.
Nigel, please.
I don't have too much time left.
I need you to find my granddaughter
for me, before it's too late.
Please, Zachary. You're my only hope.
But my job. I can't just...
All I ask is that you take a few days.
You know,
check the last place she lived.
- Somewhere in Oregon.
- Oregon?
I can pay you.
I have some money in our coffeemaker.
I can't take your money, Mrs. B.
But I'd be happy to help you
find your granddaughter.
Thank you, Zachary. Thank you.
Everything you need is in here.
All right.
Hey. Terribly sporting of you
to volunteer,
though I do feel it's a bit
of a fool's errand, I'm afraid.
- What do you mean?
- Well, we've tried it before.
Twice, in fact. I engaged the services
of a private investigator myself,
but I'm afraid my step-sister
just doesn't want to be found, so...
It's all in there, her last whereabouts,
photos, etc, etc.
Well, good luck.
Holy shiitake!
Mr. Laport, you and your brother
were lucky to get bail in the first case.
Your only hope now is
to turn yourselves...
Look, you little punk,
I thought we had a deal.
Sir, please don't talk to me like that.
Oh, yeah?
You know who you're talking to?
Well, maybe you should
look into another lawyer.
Maybe you should look into
getting some life insurance.
Hello. Hello?
That's just great.
- Yeah.
- Ben,
Mr. Harry Lipshutz is here to see you.
My high school principal?
I'll be right out.
Mr. Lipshutz, huh?
Figured you wouldn't come
if you knew it was me.
- What's up, Zach?
- I'm going on a trip to Oregon.
- I need you to come along.
- Jeez, Zach!
- I wish I could, but I'm...
- "Really swamped right now,
but I'll call you when things slow down."
Dude, are you not afraid
that day's never going to come?
Look, I'm not asking for you,
I'm not even asking for me.
I'm asking for her.
After all these years.
- I wonder if she'll still remember me.
- Of course.
- Really?
- Yeah, man!
She's going to remember you.
In the meantime,
it's Zach and Ben together again,
on a big-ass man-cation!
- Yeah, we are.
- Who couldn't use one of those?
Hello, mate.
Glad I caught you
before you dashed off.
Nigel, what are you doing here?
Well, Grandmama asked me
to tag along.
I guess three heads are better than one,
or so they say.
Cool. Well, Nigel, this is Ben.
Ben, this is Nigel.
- Nigel is Heather's step-brother.
- Ben Reed.
- Nigel, pleasure.
- Okay, so we should get going.
Right-o, there you are.
Nice car. Don't scratch it.
Well, let's hit the road.
Wow, that's old school.
- Excellent. Just lovely.
- Thanks.
This should be cracking good fun.
Just think, the three of us
on the open road,
with nothing but our own...
good old company.
We're on our way.
Reminds me of the time
I spend in Edinburgh
with my mates from Cambridge.
"What-ho," I cried. Of course, the young
lady apparently mistook my exclamation
for a colloquial expression
for a woman of ill repute.
Quick leak, then we're on our way.
Watch the wind, Nigel.
Who would talk and talk and talk.
About so big and sort of... Chop.
Tiny little trees. Did you see that?
I haven't felt a breeze like this
since I tracked down
the dreaded flatulent elephants
from Upper Khartoum.
Oh, yeah! I'm free!
I'm king of the world!
When he suggested that I am a 'tard,
I simply felt obliged to point out
the word derives from the Latin roots
ad, "to," and mors, "death." "To death."
Hey, boat rentals.
You should have seen his face.
So, years later my search
for the perfect Gouda
picked up again in Belgium,
of all places,
where I instinctively decided
to visit their famed museum of cheese.
Sounds like fun. Listen, Nigel,
why don't you look into renting our gear.
Ben and I are gonna ask around
about Heather.
Division of labors and all that.
Brilliant. Brilliant.
Remind me to tell you about my days
with the Royal Bureau of Statistics.
No. Don't. This will take care of
mine and Zach's share of the raft rental.
- You got the rest?
- Oh, absolutely. Of course.
- Great.
- Don't be silly. Oh, bollocks.
I'm terribly sorry, chaps.
I think I've left all my US currency
back in the city.
This is a little bit embarrassing.
- This happened to me years ago in...
- Just...
...Dublin, I think.
- Fascinating.
But we really do have to get underway.
- Sorry, this is silly. I'm sorry.
- Go. Go.
- Silly me. Sorry about that.
- No, go. Go.
- Keep going. Go. Keep going.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Ten straight hours without shutting up,
and then he has no money?
Look, I know he's
Heather's step-brother,
but couldn't Nigel meet
with a slight accident in the woods,
like falling on someone's knife
50 or 60 times?
Benji, eyes on the prize.
Let's ask around,
see what we can find out about Heather.
All right. All right. All right.
- All right?
- Yeah.
The only other place open is a bar.
My kind of town.
That's fine.
Nice decorating job.
Yeah. The way I like my women,
furry and feisty.
Nothing like that first beer of the day,
huh? Two Buds, please.
Actually, make mine a coffee. Decaf.
One Bud and
one coffee, decaf.
That's... That's good coffee.
We were wondering,
have you ever seen this girl before?
- Earthchild?
- Earthchild?
Her hippie name.
I never did learn her real name.
She and her pal Thunderstorm
came in here.
Didn't like the atmosphere much.
Earthchild and Thunderstorm, man.
I haven't thought about them in years.
Talk about boner fiders.
Yeah. Too bad they're both dead.
- Dead?
- Dead?
What happened?
They went deep into the woods,
never came back.
Well, that doesn't mean
that they're dead.
They could've moved on
somewhere else.
- Yeah.
- Anywhere else.
What part of D-E-D
don't you understand?
Them woods got a reputation.
A reputation?
A creature
watching, waiting.
And when you least expect it...
It snatch you up.
Yeah. Okay.
Fine, don't believe us.
Chalk it up to the superstitious rants
of a bunch of drunken yokels.
No, no.
Before you dismiss us completely,
just take a ponder
at the wall of the dead.
Well, this has all been
very enlightening.
- Yeah.
- We wouldn't mind getting directions
to where Earthchild
and Thunderstorm went,
you know, before they were killed.
Suit yourself.
I've never been there myself, mind you.
Just going by what I heard.
What's this here, "A shapely pass"?
Actually, shapely ass.
When you find it, you'll know your rear.
I mean, near.
Of course, by that time,
you'll most likely already be dead.
- Of course.
- Sure.
Well, thank you very much.
This has been very informative.
- We'll see you around.
- Yeah.
Have you ever seen so many idiots
in one place before?
Well, not outside a courtroom.
Still, they seem so sure. It's...
Come on! Creatures, wall of the dead,
shapely ass?
Smile, boys.
That's not good.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
- We really need two kegs?
- Of course.
What if something happens to the first?
Like what?
- Like we finish it.
- I guess.
We're in luck, chaps.
It looks like it's gonna be
an absolute corker.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
Nigel, is all this really necessary?
Oh, you're joking. Of course.
- Papaya enzyme scrub?
- Oh, yes.
Skin calmer?
Nair for Men?
Well, the ladies prefer me smooth.
Let's avoid that particular stop
on the Tube, shall we?
What's this?
My darts. I was Commonwealth
champion for four years running.
Practice makes perfect, and all that.
Really? Only four years?
Yes. Well, I would have won
the fifth as well,
but I was visiting with the Dalai Lama
in the Himalayas that year, so...
Dalai Lama?
Can I grease a fellow up?
- No.
- I'm okay.
No? Okay. You wouldn't mind
greasing me up, would you? Excellent.
- What? No, I...
- Excellent.
- Thank you. I appreciate it.
- I'm not...
Thank you.
Just the back of the neck and the ears.
Go for it, buddy.
- This is...
- Don't want red, flaky ears.
Just a pea-sized blob. Thank you.
Lift your hair.
Little more.
That's cold.
Let's never speak of this.
- Little shiver down my spine.
- Please don't talk.
- In fact, let's not talk now.
- Oh, but it does feel good.
Oh, that's lovely.
- You boys ready?
- I think I'm ready. Yeah.
- Nigel.
- Him first?
Stroke! Stroke!
Stroke! Stroke!
It feels like I'm back
in the retirement home.
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm the coxswain.
Isn't that what Lyle and Kyle
used to call you in high school?
No, I believe that was cock-stain.
- Cock-stain.
- No, the coxswain
is the setter of the pace, lads.
I crewed for two years at Harberton.
Oh, those were the days.
Chapel, choir.
First alternate to the chess squad,
thank you very much.
- He's just so annoying.
- Easy there, Benji.
I mean, here we are
in the middle of paradise.
It's quiet, it's peaceful,
and I have to listen to... Hang on.
Reed here. No. No, you don't know
what they might do. No.
No, they shot up a deli.
They jumped bail. They threatened me.
No. No. Send our investigators, ASAP.
And whatever you do,
don't let them know I'm out of the office.
Okay. I'm gonna call you later.
Just lovely. This stretch reminds me
of East Zambezia.
Minus all the tsetse flies,
needless to say.
Hey, here's a thought.
If it's needless to say, don't.
Yes. Very good, sir. It's the truth.
Please. Tell me we're getting close.
Map says we're coming up
on our first landmark called
Dead Man's Run.
Yeah, this should be exhilarating.
- Dead Man's Run?
- Dead Man's Run.
All right. Here we go. Here we go.
Come on.
Yes, dig in.
Right side! Right side! Starboard!
That's right.
That's right. Keep on.
Dig in, boys! Dig in!
- Push hard to the left!
- Left or right?
I must say that was really
rather disappointing.
- Actually, it was kind of fun.
- That was nothing.
Oh, what a ride.
That was kind of exhilarating.
So, what's next?
All right.
Coming up on The Heavenly Float.
Well, that sounds easy enough.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
Who said rafting was difficult?
- Okay.
- Oh, boy. That's not good.
- This doesn't look too heavenly!
- Retreat! Retreat!
- We just dig in and give over to...
- Retreat! Retreat!
- Retreat!
...the vortex.
My Lord, give us strength.
Come on, dig in!
Paddle it. Paddle it.
To the left. To the left.
Back right. Keep going. Back right!
That's good.
That's good. Forward two! Forward two!
Coming around.
- Coming up right side.
- Yeah?
- Look out.
- Hard left! Hard left!
Come on!
Left! To your left! To your left!
Come on.
Come on! Yeah!
End of the line here, boys!
Oh, yeah!
What a ride.
I haven't been this exhausted
since the weekend I spent
with two beautiful physical therapists
from Texas.
I didn't know you went to Texas.
This looks like a lovely little spot.
- Shall we?
- We shall.
Bring her in, lads.
That's it. Bog her up. Watch it.
- Nice land.
- Let's find a place to set up camp.
I bet that bartender sent us down
the most insane part
of the river on purpose.
I see you got the beer.
Damn it. Light a fire?
I can't even light a match.
Tell me again why
we didn't join the Boy Scouts.
It was the little green shorts
and whacky hats.
That and the camping.
It's all coming back to me.
Little more kindling.
Right. I'll give it a shot.
- Oh, you go.
- Yeah.
- There she goes.
- Awesome.
Nothing like a roaring blaze
to warm the spirits, eh?
Hear, hear.
Right. What's for supper?
Wait, you brought two kegs of beer,
but no food?
- Yeah.
- What...
That's okay.
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I can go muster us up a meal.
I'll be back in a tick.
What are the darts for?
Fishing, dear boy. Fishing.
You should have brought some
sandwiches or something, dude.
What do you mean,
"There's still no sign of the Laports"?
No. No.
Keep searching, and call me
the second you find anything.
Okay, bye.
Look, I'm sorry,
but I don't have the kind of job
where I can just drop everything and go.
Okay, okay, okay. Fine. I'm done.
Now what?
I don't know, man. We talk.
Talk about...
We talk about whatever.
We talk about, like...
I don't know.
What did we used to talk about?
I mean, let's talk about, like,
softball or girls
or the fact that we saw two stuffed
tigers biting each other today, man.
That was awesome!
We're on a crazy adventure right now.
This is cool stuff.
Where is Nigel?
- He's been gone a long time.
- No kidding.
Hey. Hey, maybe
the scary creature got him.
Oh, it reminds me of my days
at Harberton
and serving as Vice Chair
on the Satanic Worship Club.
- That was good.
- Nice, thanks.
Listen, man, I'm sorry about before.
Yeah, me, too.
It's just, you know... Things just got
a little distant between us.
I've had a lot going on lately.
Yeah, but you've got to admit it, though,
if it wasn't for Heather, you wouldn't
even be on this trip right now.
- That's not true.
- Oh, come on.
You are obsessed with this girl.
You have been ever since high school.
Obsessed? That's insane.
No more insane than
you trying to find another Heather
in every other girl
you've ever gone out with.
- What? You're...
- Yeah.
Okay, allow me to demonstrate.
- Hey, no.
- Okay.
Here we go. Remember Joy?
Okay, I... I can see there's a slight
- Slight?
- Yeah.
Then tell me,
what would you say about Monica?
Or, let's see... Elaine.
- Well...
- Or let's not forget Callie.
Look, man, I'm sorry.
I'm just joking around.
No, you're right.
I am obsessed.
I mean, even if we do
track Heather down,
which is a pretty big "if,"
why would she give a damn
if I'm one of the ones who found her?
I don't know, man.
Maybe you got to look at it like
it's about the getting there
more than the being there,
once you're there.
I have no idea what you just said.
Neither do I.
What was that?
Maybe it's the yokels from the bar
trying to scare us.
Trying to make us think there's actually
a creature out there in the woods.
Are we drunk?
You mean we're not?
You seeing shadows?
I was hoping that was just the beer.
Nigel, what are you doing?
You okay?
Didn't you hear the howling noise?
I'm sure you're just referring
to the howl of the Canis latrans,
commonly known as the coyote.
Although they do sound
really rather close, don't they?
- Yes.
- Interesting. Interesting.
Well, the good news is,
my search for supper was a success.
- Freshwater trout.
- Oh, yeah!
Dude, what would we do without you?
Oh, come off it. I'm sure you chaps
could've done the same, eh?
How about we just eat?
Excellent. Right.
I'll go prepare these little blighters.
You weren't really scared
back there, were you?
- Are you kidding me? No.
- No. Me neither, me neither.
- Right.
- Right. Right.
Dude, that trout was fantastic.
I still can't believe
you caught these with darts.
- Yeah.
- Yes, indeed. I got quite handy
while I was on the circuit.
Though not much of a life, I'm afraid.
I spent every night in a pub,
drinking and tossing,
and tossing and drinking.
Oh, apologies for earlier, by the way.
I had no intention
of frightening you both.
We weren't really mad, Nigel.
It was just something that these
crazy people in town told us before.
Right. They said there's like
some huge creature in these woods.
Really? Well, we'll just have
to watch our backs, won't we?
Right. Fancy a splash?
Oh, no, I got a beer, so...
No. Oh, okay. More for me. Lovely.
All right, let's tuck in.
That's good trout.
I would've had the wine
if I wasn't drinking beer.
Damn it.
Hey, what are you doing?
That's my stuff.
Go away.
I said, get out of here.
I'm sorry, little buddy,
but this is my backpack.
Easy there, Pep.
Zach, wake up!
Zach, you got to get this thing off me.
Oh, boy.
Zach. Zach.
You got to wake up, man.
We've got to get out of here.
- What's going on?
- No time to explain.
We got to go. Now, now.
Come on.
Holy shiitake!
Come on.
- Early morning workout?
- There's a gang of very pissed off
psycho squirrels heading our way.
Oh, well, good for you.
I'm pretty sure they mean us
some serious harm.
Not a problem.
A few well-placed darts and...
This is going to make for
one embarrassing burial.
Don't worry. Once those
psycho squirrels are done with us,
there won't be anything left to bury.
What did you do to
those squirrels anyway?
- Go!
- Go!
Don't try to pin this on me.
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
- Stroke, stroke, stroke!
- Keep going.
- Keep going.
- Stroke, stroke, stroke!
Hey, will you look at this?
There's a little squirrel.
He's looking right at me.
Hello, there, little fellow.
Get him off!
Oh, it hurts! Oh, it hurts!
Well, left the trunk behind,
but still have my darts.
So, what's next on the map?
Okay, we're either heading for
"Piss Filled Halls" or "Fist Full of Balls."
I don't know. Benji, can you look at this?
Dude, I'm still helping you
with your geography.
I don't know. I can't read that.
What is it?
There's no north, south, east, west.
It's not a map.
- Where are we?
- Well, I don't know.
Feel like you're in a Piss Filled Hall?
I don't feel like I'm in a Fist Full of Balls.
I don't want to know what that feels like.
Yeah, well, we still got Twin Boulders
and a Shapely Ass to go,
but I don't think I've seen any of those.
- Me, neither.
- I don't know where we are.
No, no, no. Got a leak. Got a leak.
- Can it wait?
- Just hang it over the edge, Nigel.
Yeah, and this time,
don't aim into the wind.
No, I don't mean I've got to take a leak.
I mean, we've got a leak in the raft!
There's a leak in the raft!
- What?
- Oh, no!
Okay, this is not the time to panic.
Well, how about now? Now?
- Is now a good time?
- Well, gentlemen,
I'm afraid we're going to have to rid
ourselves of some of this ballast.
Damn it, Nigel.
Fine, the keg. Throw the keg.
- No, not the beer!
- Zach.
- No, no.
- Let it go, Zach. Let it go.
Got to let it go, buddy.
Fellows, I think I know
what that sign on the map was
talking about now.
Oh, shiitake!
We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- Bail!
- Bail!
What are you doing?
No, wait, don't bail out.
Bail water.
For a lawyer, you need
to work on your clarification.
Why don't we talk about that?
No way back across from here, lads.
I'll have to meet you back in town.
Sure. Assuming we don't drown first.
Good one, Benjamin. Good one.
I do envy you, boys.
Going over those falls should
be a truly bonding experience.
Well, best of British luck to you.
I hate that guy. Come on.
We're going down.
Not in a good way.
Bloody nightmare.
Now I've just got to
figure out where I am.
All right.
Dry land.
- We made it.
- Yeah, we did.
You know what that means?
It's just the two of us now.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
So, what's the plan?
Well, we've got no raft.
We've got no supplies,
no camping equipment,
no food.
- No beer.
- No beer.
Well, logic dictates
we give up and head home.
- And what do you say?
- Well, I say...
Twin Boulders.
What's next on the map?
There's only one landmark
left on the map.
- Shapely Ass!
- Shapely Ass!
Okay, I admit it.
I'm disappointed. I was looking
forward to a little more action.
This profession is about results.
Not about action.
Split up.
Split up.
Mr. Cahill sends his best.
I bet he does.
What's the point of
pursuing them any further?
Even if they survived the falls,
they've no doubt turned tail
and headed home.
You know, Mr. Cahill is quite
disappointed in your shenanigans.
You should not have failed to lose
that darts tourney in New Brunswick,
- as promised.
- Yeah, well,
I'm afraid my pride took over
at the last instant.
But, as I have already explained
to Mr. Cahill,
I will be able to pay back my full debt
just as soon as I inherit
my grandmother's estate.
It should be any day now, so...
And what if your sister
inherits instead of you, eh?
And, no, she won't inherit. She won't
be found. I've made sure of that.
Plus, have you seen
the two looking for her?
They couldn't find their peckers
if they started at their bollocks
and headed north, trust me.
Those two are not long for these woods.
Well, you better hope so. Overton.
Hey, so, have you thought of what you're
going to say when you see Heather?
No, dude, I haven't
even thought about that.
Hey, I know. What you've gotta do
when you see her...
No, no, no. The last time
you gave me a line in high school,
the one about the monkey
and the old lady and the fish,
it didn't work, man.
I got slapped in the face.
Well, it always works for me.
This is an absolute waste of time.
They wouldn't have survived those falls.
They've either drowned,
hit their head on a rock,
or choked on a salmon or something.
Truth is, we're lost, aren't we?
You can tell me, it's fine.
Just be honest with me.
I think we're all bonded now.
The three of us are getting on famously.
Nice work, Overton.
Oh, come on, that could belong
to absolutely anybody.
But it doesn't, does it?
I'm so hungry, dude.
I know.
I want a spicy chicken
cheesy burrito right now.
I want to find, like, blueberry tree.
I could go for some chili fries.
Zach? Zach?
Yeah? Shapely Ass?
What is this?
What the...
This does not look good.
- What the...
- I'm running.
Me, too.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter
what I say to Heather anymore.
That crazy bartender
wasn't so crazy after all.
Wall of the dead, here we come!
Shapely Ass.
- Ben?
- Yeah, Zach?
This is...
This is one freaky-ass dream, huh?
It actually feels like we're upside down.
Zach, we are upside down, dude.
Very upside down.
- Ben?
- Yeah?
Do creatures have breasts?
Like, really spectacular breasts?
We in heaven?
All right, get up.
- You!
- Get inside!
- Get in there!
- Now!
- What?
- In!
- Move it!
- Go!
A little faster, come on.
All the way.
Move it.
There you go.
We'll do anything you want.
Silence, tree killers,
we know why you're here.
First you survey the forest,
marking your path of destruction.
Then you send in your logging crews
to commit your tree-icide.
Well, your path of destruction ends now.
No, no.
I go by my eco-warrior name
Earthchild now,
- but how did you know that...
- I'm Ben.
We went to Palm Ridge High together.
At least, until you were expelled.
Ben Reed, he signed your petition
to stop dissections, and...
Zach Howel?
I remember now.
It's so good to see you again.
So, you're not surveyors
from a logging company?
No, I'm a lawyer, he's a nurse.
This is
my co-nature guardian, Thunderstorm.
What's up?
Welcome to our home.
- Awesome!
- Yeah!
Wow, this place is incredible, Heather.
I mean, Earthchild.
Thanks. Thunderstorm and I built it,
you know, to serve as a base
to protect this universal tree
and, you know, all the beauty
that surrounds it.
So, all that talk in town about
creatures and the wall of the dead.
Yeah, and the skeleton bones,
and the hanging us up by our ankles
and threatening us thing?
Yeah. All to scare away
logging operations.
- Hey, that's cool.
- Yeah. Fine.
So, if you're not loggers,
then what brought you out here?
Yeah, I mean it's not like
you've been obsessing over Earthchild
since high school, right?
No, no.
We came here with
your step-brother Nigel to find you.
Nigel? Is he okay?
Oh, yeah. He's fine.
We just got separated on the river,
and he went back to town to wait for us.
We're really here
about your grandmother.
Nana Bessler?
Yeah, she doesn't have
too much time left,
and really wanted to see you again
before it was too late.
And you guys came all the way
out here just to tell me that?
- Yeah.
- That is so sweet.
You know, the only reason
I regret becoming an eco-warrior was
leaving my Nana Bessler behind.
- I have to go see her.
- Absolutely.
You leave first thing in the morning.
- I'll stay and watch over things here.
- Of course.
And you guys are going to
stay the night, right?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
I mean, we don't have
anything else to do, right?
- Might as well.
- Yeah.
Bottoms up.
Easiest tracking job ever, eh?
Well, now you just have to worry about
what you're gonna find at the other end.
Well, I'm just saying.
There be beasties here.
It's like they just disappeared.
Oh, come on, you old hound dog.
You can't have lost it.
Give it a little sniff and a lick.
You're spooked, though. He's spooked.
Look at him.
Don't mention old Black Jack.
He was dragged off
by 40 screaming demons.
You're a big guy. You got guns, too.
More dried chickweed?
No, thanks. I'm actually trying to
cut down on my weed intake.
I will have a few more of
those delicious strawberries, though.
- Oh, me, too.
- Thank you.
Well, like everything on this table,
we grew it ourselves.
Our goal is to leave the smallest imprint
possible on the forest floor.
We even recycle our own excrement
to use as fertilizer.
Like, for those strawberries.
- It's delicious.
- Absolutely.
I'm so excited to see my nana.
And Nigel, too. Isn't he just like
the coolest? Like James Bond?
My turn to clean up.
You three relax.
I'm thinking of taking
an after-dinner walk,
in case anyone wants to
join me along nature's path.
- What?
- Go after her.
Oh, no, I think she's just being polite.
- Benji, go after her.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Stupid walk.
Mind if I join you?
- Sure.
- Great.
So, kind of a nature freak, huh?
- I guess you could say that.
- Right.
I've just...
I've always had a connection
with Mother Earth.
Good. You know,
I've always admired you.
A lot of people talk the talk,
but you, you squat the squat.
I mean, walk the walk.
- Thank you.
- Was that...
Well, your passion for a cause is
what inspired me to become
a lawyer in the first place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What kind of lawyer?
Environmental? Civil rights?
Well, that was the original plan,
but then somehow I ended up...
Ended up what?
Look! Look, a hummingbird.
So beautiful.
Can't you just feel its energy
contributing to the eternal now?
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
I love flowers.
Listen, Heather... I mean, Earthchild.
There's... There's something
I need to tell you.
What's that, Ben?
That day at school
where we first met, it...
It didn't just get me interested in law.
Where was I?
You were saying something
about the day we first met.
Something... Something else
happened that day.
Something that...
Even more significant than
my future choice of career.
What are you trying to say, Ben?
What I'm trying to say is... Damn it, I...
I realized something that day.
I realized I... I...
I'm a vegetarian.
Well, on behalf of all things
residing in this magical realm of life,
we thank you.
This just makes no sense.
People don't just disappear.
- Unless...
- Unless what?
- Nothing.
- Guys, listen. All that really matters
is that they're gone, so why don't
we just head back into town,
have ourselves a beer and just...
Urine. Human. Female.
Lactose intolerant.
We're getting close.
We make camp here.
- Stop it.
- Okay.
It was the biggest bear I ever saw.
He was as big as a house.
Oh yeah.
Woah indeed.
It's so beautiful.
We're just about out of wood.
Why don't you go fetch us some more?
I'm happy to go, mate.
You stay and relax.
Yeah, you're right.
I should stay and relax.
Don't tell me you're afraid
there's some angry creature
out in the woods.
For the last time,
there is absolutely nothing out there.
All right. Jeez.
So why didn't you go? Didn't fancy it?
The answer to that would be,
"None of your bee's wax."
Dude, I got to hand it to you.
She is way hotter than I remembered.
She was 14 then.
Good point.
Listen, Zach. I...
I didn't get a chance
to tell Earthchild how I felt earlier.
You didn't get a chance?
You didn't have the cojones, Benji.
It was both.
Anyway, I was hoping
that you could talk to her.
I don't know. I don't really think
that's a good idea, man.
Let's go.
What were we talking about?
I have no idea.
They're coming. They're coming.
They're coming. Okay.
Did you two get wood?
Excuse me?
Did you get wood for the fire?
It gets awfully cold around here at night.
Oh, that kind of wood.
We thought that you meant...
Yeah. Yeah. We...
We got wood.
Whole lot of wood.
Lumberyards worth of wood.
You are not coming down
with something, are you?
- No.
- Hey, maybe we could help.
Thunderstorm is real good
with shiatsu massaging,
you know, pulling, squeezing, rubbing.
Yeah, and Earthchild,
she knows all the yoga positions.
Yeah, you'll be amazed at how good
you feel after a few bends and thrusts.
It's a little bad, actually.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah, I'm thinking
we should all go to bed.
My thinking exactly.
Well, good night. Sleep well.
See you in the morning.
Dude, it is on.
What's on?
Us and the ladies.
You heard Earthchild.
She said, "Let's get to bed."
Thunderstorm agreed.
And you somehow took that to mean
they want to have sex with us?
Benji, they said, "Let's get to bed,"
not, "Let's go to sleep."
She said, "We." As in we.
Didn't you see Earthchild smile?
That's a "let's get funky" smile
if I ever saw one.
I don't know. Wait. Earthchild smiled?
- I saw Thunderstorm smile, but not...
- Yeah.
Yeah, Earthchild,
she was looking right at...
Look, just trust me, okay?
- They're in there waiting for us.
- All right.
Dude, I am so...
- You heard that, right?
- It was probably just our imaginations.
Well, our imaginations
are sure as hell loud.
Just put the wood on the fire.
Wait a minute. That's all you got?
I was in a bit of a hurry to get back.
Easy there.
Your equipment took quite a wallop.
What else is new?
This salve should help
reduce the swelling.
Back to your normal,
might I add not too shabby, size.
- Wait. You saw my...
- Three Stooges?
Yep. Though no more Curly.
I had to do a little manscaping.
Are all lawyers big babies like you?
Babies in expensive suits. Yeah.
So, how do you like it?
Well, it's wet
and muddy.
The touching, it's good. It's a little wet.
I meant being a lawyer.
Oh, right.
Suits are great. The law,
not so much.
Not exactly
what you thought it would be.
No. It was not remotely
what I thought it would be.
See, I was expecting the purity of law,
but what I got was
the manipulation of law.
So, maybe it's time you lost the suit.
- Yeah, right.
- No, really.
I used to be just like you.
Property foreclosures,
putting people
out of their home for profit.
Then I passed through Oregon
on business,
saw these woods.
Haven't looked back since.
- It was that easy?
- That easy.
So, tell me,
what were you two doing
when you got hurt, anyway?
Well, you see, I... We were...
You thought that Earthchild and I
would be so hot for you,
that we'd want you to spy the prize?
Kind of.
Not a bad thought.
Maybe we should talk about it.
Where's Earthchild?
Looking after Zach.
His equipment took quite a wallop, too.
But don't worry.
Like yours, his is in good hands.
That's kind of what I'm worried about.
Look, as much as I'd like to stay,
I gotta go.
Have you seen my pants?
This asana should help
reduce the swelling.
Actually, it appears to be
having the opposite effect.
You know, from the first moment
I saw you, I felt this Tantric connection.
- What's wrong?
- I can't do this.
What, because of the swelling?
No, because of my friend.
And, yes, because of the swelling.
But mostly because of my friend!
Oh, God!
- All right.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God, my back. Oh, God!
- Okay. Okay.
Just lift up,
and we'll pop it right back into place.
Good. Oh, God.
Benji, hey!
This isn't what you think. You see,
Earthchild was just showing me
a new position where we were both
kind of thrusting together,
and I kind of got stuck in...
That didn't come out
at all like I wanted it to. And...
Benji! Benji!
Benji, Benji.
- Ben, wait.
- No, I'm out of here.
- Stop running away, man.
- No, we're done!
- You betrayed me.
- I didn't.
Are you denying there's something
going on between you and Earthchild?
I wish I could, man, but there's definitely
some kind of connection there.
How could you?
Just when we were getting back
to the whole
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck thing.
Come on, man,
you're still my Ben Affleck, man.
What? No, no, I am your Matt Damon.
You're my Ben Affleck.
Really? Because I kind of think
I'm more like Damon.
Look, look. Just forget about it.
I hope you and Earthchild
are very happy together.
Don't worry about me.
Benji! Come on, man.
I'll find my own way back.
Benji, man. Come on.
You think you know a guy.
Well, screw Zach.
You know, who needs Heather?
AKA Earthchild.
I mean, I've been reasonably happy
without her all these years.
Well, not reasonably happy.
More like borderline depressive,
but still...
Is that you, Zach?
If so, this isn't funny.
If not, I hope you're ready for a fight.
If you're the creature in these woods,
then just go ahead and attack,
'cause this is getting really annoying.
I changed my mind.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
I'm sorry for causing disharmony
between you and your friend.
It's not your fault. It's just...
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yeah, I know.
It's probably pretty freaky to learn
Ben's had a crush on you
since the first day in ninth grade.
No, no, it's not that. It's just...
I totally, absolutely
believe in love at first sight.
That's just not the way it went down.
See, I didn't blow a kiss to Ben,
I blew a kiss to you.
So, if you and I were
to become one with nature,
that really wouldn't be that big
of a betrayal to Ben, now would it?
It's hard to argue with logic like that.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Ben is my best friend.
Yes, he's my crazy,
obsessive best friend,
but I really hope that
he always will be my best friend.
Not the crazy, obsessive part.
If Benji's not all right with us,
I can't be all right with us.
So you're willing to give up
a hot and wild night with me
out of loyalty to your friend?
Well, well...
Wow. You really are
a special guy, Zach Howel.
I hope you're happy, Benji!
Nigel's suitcase?
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
Now, what kind of host would I be
if I killed you?
- What did you do with Nigel?
- Nigel?
Oh, that? I picked it up when you and
your buddies ran off into the woods.
So you've been watching us?
I needed to make sure that you weren't
here to steal my years of research.
It's all quite valuable,
as you can plainly see.
Absolutely. But I promise you,
I didn't come here to...
Those moves and that voice...
- Do I know you?
- That's quite impossible.
No, really, I've seen
those moves before.
- What's your name?
- Hal Gore.
- What's that again?
- Hal Gore, damn it!
Hal Gore, with an "H," as in "hate."
All my life, it's been
"Al this" and "Al that."
He gets all the attention, even though
I'm the brilliant one in the family.
I am the one who scored
all the touchdowns
and knew how to dance.
So, you and Al are related?
And things have gotten worse
over the years.
First it was Senator Al,
then it was Vice President Al,
then it was Grammy,
Emmy, Oscar-winning Al.
Don't forget the Nobel Peace Prize.
- Never mind.
- And now, it's global warming Al.
It was me who got him started
in the environment.
He's always won everything,
beginning with my first love
in high school.
You don't mean...
But I'll have the last laugh.
Oh, yeah. You know why?
Because I found the secret to ending
global warming once and for all,
right in this forest.
- Squirrels?
- Squirrels.
No wonder the squirrels are
psycho around here.
Yeah, squirrels are the main cause
of global warming.
Specifically, squirrel farts.
Millions and millions of squirrels,
from Golden Gate Park to Central Park
to Hyde Park,
eating away at the ozone layer,
one poof at a time. Observe.
I came up with the following Halgorithm.
Don't you mean "algorithm"?
I mean Halgorithm.
If X equals squirrels,
and Y equals poof plus squirrel,
then X and Y equal the methane
the nut-biters release
into the atmosphere every year.
Over 9.2 metric tons.
They're just like cows, right?
I heard that cows were responsible
for 20% of the methane gas
the US contributes
to global warming each year.
Each year?
My God, you're right.
Obviously, cows are more significant.
The size, the weight,
the incoming and outgoing poof.
Seriously, what was I thinking?
Fresh squirrel juice?
I'm good.
- Look, don't be so hard on yourself.
- No, let's face it.
I wasted a good part of my life
researching squirrel farts
at the expense of my family,
my friends, especially my best pal Al.
So don't make
the same mistake I did, kid.
This planet is far too beautiful
not to share it with the ones we love.
I'm sorry about all of this.
Let me make it up to you
by showing you the way back to town.
Thanks, Hal, but
I have something important
I need to take care of.
I really enjoyed talking to you.
You know?
And don't give up your research just yet.
You know, when it comes
to the environment,
every little bit helps.
What about your friend's suitcase?
You keep it. Thanks again.
"Nair for Men."
- Still alive.
- We best keep searching then.
Come on.
All right. All set. Ready to go.
Hopefully we'll make it to town
in time to catch Ben.
I can't wait to see my nana.
Thunderstorm, I thought
you wanted to stay.
Yeah, I thought I did, too.
Then I realized
if this world is going to survive,
humans will have to be
part of the equation.
Even male humans who are lawyers.
- I see them. There they are.
- Beauty.
Okay, let's review our instructions.
If the girl is found, we take them all out.
Hold on. There's only three.
Where's the fourth?
- Stop!
- Ben!
I'm so happy I got here in time.
Just in time to die, you poor bloke.
No, Zach, I have something
important to say,
and if I don't say it now,
I'm afraid I never will.
See, I learned a lot about myself
in the last couple of days.
And for one thing, Heather,
all those years ago,
I fell in love with the idea of you
without ever really getting to know
the you of you.
Here we go.
You know, I mean,
you were willing to risk everything
to make the world a better place,
and I wanted to do the same,
but then somehow
I ended up getting lost.
You know, I became
like a corporate mouthpiece.
But now I know
it's never too late to change.
Ben, there's something going on.
Between you and me? I know and...
- I'm sorry. I take full blame.
- No, I mean that there's something...
No, Zach, I am the one
who lost touch with you over the years.
You know, who put my career
ahead of our friendship.
- No, I mean that there...
- Who treated you like Al Gore
when I had no right to claim Tipper.
Well, buddy, I'm sorry.
And I promise, I will never
take you for granted again.
Now, what was it you wanted to say?
Just that I think there are some people
over there trying to kill us.
- What?
- There are some people over there
trying to kill us!
- Run!
- Here, Benji! Come on! Come on!
Come on, buddy, get up here.
- Hurry, Ben!
- Come on!
- Come on, Benji!
- Hurry, Ben! Hurry!
- Holy Halifax!
- Benji, man. Come on! Come on!
Hurry, Ben!
Nice one, eh?
That stupid putz
ruined my shot at some fun.
Now they're trapped.
Nowhere to go but down.
Why are people shooting at us?
And why was Nigel with them?
All actually questions
which I really hope to live long enough
to answer one day.
Meantime, duck.
We need to fight back.
Thunderstorm and I
don't really condone violence
in any, you know, circumstance.
- Wait here!
- Wait here!
We need to fight back.
That really steams my clams.
- Go, go, go!
- Harder!
Here, here.
Here. Here's another.
Patience, eh?
I'm gonna find another way in.
Cover me.
- Let's go.
- Go, go, go.
Hurry! Get down!
They won't stop shooting!
Overton, try to smoke them out.
What are they doing?
Oh, no.
Take cover!
You all right?
Oh, hell!
Zach, look out! Zach!
- Zach!
- My foot.
I've got you. I've got you. Hang on!
Hang on! Ben!
Hang on! Ben!
Don't let it go.
- Ben, help!
- Try to pull yourself up. It's okay.
- Hang on, Zach. Hang on!
- Hang on, Zach.
We got you.
Give me your other hand. I've got you.
Quick, try to pull yourself up.
Hold on, Zach. Hang on!
No, don't shoot!
Hold on, Zach. We've got you.
Hold on!
Zach, hang on! I've got you. I've got you.
- I've got you, Zach. Don't let go.
- Oh, my God.
- Hang on!
- Don't let go!
- Help!
- Yeah.
Hold on! Hold on!
- Thanks.
- Who are those guys, anyway?
So, of course, when I refused
to throw the tournament,
Cahill demanded that I cover every
pound, dollar and loon of his losses.
So you figured your only way out
was to inherit Nana's estate.
Look, I didn't think for a second
that anyone would be hurt.
Wait a minute.
What estate are you talking about?
The only thing that Mrs. Bessler owns
is a coffeemaker.
Yeah. A coffeemaker
by the name of Starbucks.
Yeah. She bought, like, 20,000 shares
when it first opened up.
I wonder how it's doing.
Well, let's see.
Twenty thousand shares multiplied
by at least five stock splits,
with a location on every corner
in the US. That's... That's a lot.
Listen. I'm no longer worthy
to be called your step-brother,
but I do hope that one day
I can earn back that privilege.
Well, as a very wise, though
slightly insane, man recently said,
"This planet is too beautiful
not to share it with the ones we love."
Right! That's enough of that.
We had better skedaddle, I'm afraid.
Because, to be honest,
it looks like it might rain.
Although it's evenings like this that...
- Glad I don't have to listen to that.
- ...the very words
of Chaucer,
Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky...
We actually did it, didn't we?
Yeah. We actually kind of did.
It's getting dark.
Don't fret.
They said they'd send the law
when they got into town.
What a pisser, though.
Didn't even get to kill anyone.
Hey, there's always prison, then, eh?
What is that?
Is that...
- Squirrels!
- Squirrels!