Women Want Everything! (2024) Movie Script

All I did is work harder
All I did is work harder, yeah
Hustled a little bit smarter
To take myself farther, yeah
Had my marching orders
Reach my goals or die trying
Take off, never stop flying
Keep going, never retire
Can't quit
All I did was work harder
All I did was work harder, yeah
All I did was work harder
All I did was work harder, yeah
All I did was work harder
All I did was work harder, yeah
All I did was work harder
All I did was work harder, yeah
Started life at a disadvantage
Don't get me wrong
We were better off than quite a few
But I wanted the next level
My bar shouldn't be
getting out of the ghetto
If Bezos and Gates can, I can too
Won't be held by standards
confined to my race
Social economic status
I was born to be way more than average
Gonna keep climbing
til ain't no more ladders
Heard destiny calling,
won't be no cattle
Declare war on the
status quo go to battle
Who knew that this would
be all mine to manage
Risk everything for a
dream and a challenge
I told y'all my name aint Jim no more.
It's Tyrone.
Ha, he's too good for Jim.
Hey, guys.
What's up, T?
She gets it.
I got you.
Thank you.
Ooh, that's my ride.
Gotta go get this money.
Don't wait up.
Nice ride.
So, uh, a guy with this kinda ride's
gotta be putting it down, right?
Man, girl, please.
Love just can't seem to find me
Yeah, that girl aint never
gonna get a rich man like that.
I don't know.
Started life at a disadvantage
Don't get me wrong
We were better off than quite a few
But I wanted the next level
My bar shouldn't be
getting out of the ghetto
What's going on?
Ooh, Stu, you're the
prettiest boy from Polk County!
Gotta handle my business.
Yeah, Marcus!
Marcus, I done ran
outta toilet paper again.
I got me a case of the itchy butt.
Marcus, what's going on?
I'm good, bro.
Hey, what's up, guys?
What's up, man?
Okay, okay, next time, next time.
You guys heard from Jim lately?
- Nah.
- No.
I tried calling him the other day, too,
and he ain't called me back.
You know he went on
that date the other night.
Hasn't said anything about it.
Yeah, yeah,
you're right, you're right.
That's true, that's true.
You know, I tried calling
y'all like last Monday,
and y'all called me back neither.
Oh, you see we're with Verizon.
What does that mean?
Listen, they changed the rules.
If you're not on the same network,
you can't even talk no more.
You can't talk to them?
Well it does make sense.
You know, with the two different.
All right, well, I gotta
change 'cause we gotta talk.
We gotta talk.
I got things to talk about, okay?
Anyways, when Jim comes in,
I'm gonna ask him about it.
All right, go ahead.
We good.
It's Jim.
What up, fellas?
Hey hey, what's good?
It's time to show 'em what I'm made of
My time, my time, my time
Y'all ready for me to take y'all money?
Yeah, whatever.
Just give it here, bro.
That's a little dusty.
I'll get with you later.
Okay, later.
So, anyways, Jim.
You gonna tell us what happened last night?
Yeah, man.
That hoe.
It did not go well.
What, no goodnight kiss, boss man?
Yeah, see I told you
you weren't gon' get none.
Yeah, he did tell you that.
He told me you weren't gonna get none.
Man, that ain't even
the thing, all right?
Things were goin' fine until
she said she wasn't sure
and maybe we should slow it down a little.
Whoa, Stu ain't never heard that before.
Man, I just don't get it, okay?
I don't get it.
What do women want, huh?
Just tell me what the
hell that is and I'll do it.
Yeah, I.
I dunno.
Yeah, me neither, man.
Beats the heck out of me.
Man, y'all useless, man.
Don't know why I be tellin' y'all nothin'.
You know what?
I think I do know what women want.
They want implants.
- What?
- What?
What the heck?
Yeah, you know, like,
breast implants, face lift, Botox?
- You know.
- No.
- Implants.
- Man, you crazy.
Women don't want implants.
Yeah, they do.
Heck no.
And you're supposed to the
be the smooth one of the group.
Mr. Jet Magazine.
The black James Bond.
Man, y'all crazy.
I know what women want.
And it's implants.
See, that's why y'all
don't have no girls now.
B, you know I got me a girl.
You don't have a girl.
Because you look like Joe Dirt's cousin.
I got it.
I know what women want.
- Oh, hell, man.
- I like that, I like that.
That's what's up.
And not just those flats neither.
Hell no.
They want those long ass heels, right?
Those come-fuck-me heels, right?
Those kind, like, when
you're havin' sex, right?
She's got her legs up in there
and she's kickin' you like that, right?
And she's yellin',
"Whose your mama, whose your mama?"
Then she takes it off, right?
Starts hittin' you in
the ass with it, say in,
"What's my name?"
Say my name, bitch.
Ride me!
Ride me, you big beautiful bastard.
Come on, give it to me!
"Come on!"
- Whoa!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey!
- What?
I don't know what you be
watchin', but you're nasty.
For real.
Man, y'all know
that's happened to you.
Not at all.
Y'all front post lyin'.
Man, see, God is listenin'
to you right now, okay?
God is listenin'.
That's why I don't play with you guys.
Oh! Oh!
I know what women want?
Darn it, I forgot.
Oh my God.
Man, why do we always let him play?
'Cause he always buys the beer.
Yep, that's why.
And nobody else has a place to go.
Hey, you know what?
I think I got it.
I now know what women want.
Man, if you say liposuction,
I'm taking your black card.
Okay, okay, no, no, no.
No, women want clothes.
Oh hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Right, it's really simple.
Hell yeah.
And not just a few things.
They've got a whole damn
walk-in closet full of shit.
Always talkin' 'bout,
"I don't have anything to wear."
They got dresses, pants, tops.
And, not just a few,
but, like, all laid out,
all different colors.
And I hate it when I go pick them up
and they can't figure
out a single piece to wear.
Ah, I hate that.
I know!
Got me waitin' all night.
I got a J-O-B, you know what I'm sayin'?
I got things to do.
He do.
He do got that job at Walmart.
Oh, man, you work at Walmart?
Man, shut up.
You know I don't have no job at Walmart.
What's wrong with Walmart, anyway?
I ain't out stealin', am I?
I ain't out sellin' drugs, am I?
All right then.
You right, you right.
Nothin', nothin' at all.
Ooh, I got it!
We're playin' poker.
Yeah, what the hell?
Stu, we're playing poker.
Not Gin, not Goldfish, or that
game you like with 53 cards.
Ooh, that's a good game, though.
Can we play that game?
No, 'cause there's
no 53 cards in the deck.
My bad, my bad.
A white man can't make a mistake,
but the brother, a Hindi, and,
whatever the heck you are?
Oh snap.
I can't believe I didn't
think of this before.
- Shoot.
- Mm hm.
You already know.
And not just a little bit.
No, hell no.
They want a whole damn
safety deposit box full of shit.
I ain't rich.
I ain't rich.
Oh, what the heck?
Stewart, I know that was you!
that's worse than horse pile.
Bro, my mouth was open.
Come on.
That one had some hang time.
It did.
Damn nasty.
Is it all safer now?
Find my drink.
Ooh, I got it!
Darn it, I forgot again.
Dude, focus.
Come on.
I'm tryin'.
It's hard.
Oh, I got it.
A man with a job.
You damn right.
You right.
I give you that a hundred percent.
Hey, listen.
'Cause if you ain't got no J-O-B,
you ain't gettin' no booty.
You feel me?
I know that's right.
No, no, no.
No you don't.
'Cause you, you don't have a girl.
You're right, I don't have a girl.
I got me a woman.
That's right, that's right.
A woman.
Man, whatever, man.
You can't even spell woman.
Man, I can spell woman.
Mm hm.
- W.
- Mm hm.
- O.
- Mm hm.
- Men.
- No.
Man, whatever, man.
Just shut up and play cards.
Man, I don't know
why I hang out with y'all.
That's it, I'm not bringin' no more beer,
no more cigars, nothin'.
'Cause y'all don't even treat me right.
Come on, just calm down, Stu.
Nah, nah, nah, 'cause
y'all always do this.
And I'm the real player here,
because I know what women want.
I know what they want.
Oh, man, I'm gonna regret this.
What do women want?
Oh, snap!
You get love for that.
Oh snap.
That was right on.
That's the truth right there.
That is like the smartest
thing you've said all year.
That's some real
Buddha wisdom right there.
Forget Marcus.
You are the new Jet Magazine
Black Man of the Year.
Now, that was right on.
Hey, I crown thee, man.
Ooh, it fits.
Ooh, I like it.
Forget the secret.
That's the truth right there.
Did I bring it or what?
I told y'all.
I told y'all I knew what women wanted.
I give you credit.
I gave it to you.
And you know what Stu has?
Five of a kind!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 of a kind!
Hold up!
How did you get five of a kind?
'Cause we're playin'
poker, like y'all said.
Man, you see.
This what I'm talkin' 'bout.
This is why I don't like
playin' cards with you guys.
You ignorant.
I need to get the hell up outta here
before this crazy fool makes
me forget I'm a Christian.
Man, get.
Quit stealin' my cards.
Work on yourself.
Are absolute cheaters.
Man, what'd I do?
Yeah, Anoop, I don't know what's wrong
with them neither, man.
Oh, Lord.
Hey, baby.
What's so important you had
to absolutely see me right now?
Damn, baby.
You look good.
Got your hair all done up.
What do you got some
natural juices in there?
Mm hm.
And don't you worry about it.
I thought we weren't gonna
see each other for a while.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you said that,
but I had a few things
I wanna slide by you.
Seein' as you my baby and all.
- Uh huh.
- Know what I'm sayin'?
I can see that.
Mind if I have a seat, please?
Oh, sure, sure.
These are for you.
You got me flowers and candy?
Mm hm.
What is it Valentine's already?
Can I get you anything?
So, while I was sittin'
in church the other day,
just thinkin' about you.
And, um, I got to thinkin'.
Maybe we should move in together.
Uh uh.
Oh hell no, we are not doin' that.
Well, why not?
I told you we need to slow it down.
Besides, I don't see no ring.
On this finger?
Oh, girl, why you gotta bring that up?
Because if you wanna hit it,
you shoulda put a ring on it.
Okay, dang.
Oh my goodness.
These are for you.
What's this?
All right.
See, I know you said
we should slow it down, but
I thought these might change your mind.
Bein' as I'm all that and a jar of honey.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You bought me shoes?
Mm hm.
Interesting ones at that.
Yeah, you like them?
They're fly, aren't they?
I saw 'em in the store
and I was, like, "Ooh, wee.
I have got to get them for Shanequa."
Here! Try 'em on.
I'll help you.
All right.
Damn, girl, you smell good.
I know.
Don't tickle my feet.
I'm sorry.
Yep, there you go.
There you go.
I knew they'd fit.
Damn, girl, you all that and a basket of
finger lick in' chicken wings.
With some mild sauce.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what every girl wants to be.
You bought me shoes?
Don't you like 'em?
Yeah, they're perfectly nice heels, but...
But what?
Wrong color?
I knew it!
I knew I shoulda got you the red ones.
They're fine, just fine.
What do you say we go out and celebrate?
I'll take you out to dinner.
Then we can hit a movie.
Then, right back here with a bottle of wine
and some Lou Deville.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Okay, Barry White then.
You don't understand.
Ah, I get it.
I get it.
You a little freaky deaky, right?
You wanna skip dinner,
go right into dessert.
Oh hell yeah, you my kinda woman.
No, no.
You don't understand.
We need to talk.
For some reason, I really like you.
But, like I said the other night,
I really think we need
to slow this thing down.
Maybe even take a break.
But I don't understand.
See, I bought you shoes.
Yeah, I see the damn shoes.
The shoes was a very nice gesture.
They're very-
- Fly!
They're very-
- Super fly!
You know what?
Forget about it.
I can't think of nothin'.
We got more important
things to talk about, though.
You know, I don't understand.
See, I bought you new shoes.
That's one things women want.
That shows I wanna make a commitment.
I spent some serious money up on you, girl.
Those weren't cheap.
I didn't buy those at no Pay Less,
you know what I'm sayin'?
See, I bought you shoes.
And you were supposed
to be all happy and easy
and puttin' them up on the
glass for me and everything.
You see?
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
The puttin' 'em up on the glass part.
You are so nasty.
Look, girl.
You ain't gotta worry about that.
You all that and then some.
See, Jim.
Part of the problem is...
Part of the problem is your ethnicity.
I mean, look at you.
Baby, you ain't gotta worry about that.
Black is beautiful.
Yeah, I know it is, but you're white.
I'm sorry.
You're prejudice against black people?
You are not black.
I'm black.
You are not.
Oh hell no!
I can't believe this shit.
This day and age.
We done had a black man
elected to the presidency
and she don't like black people.
I can't believe it.
You probably don't like
shoes, neither, or BET.
Now, you know damn well I like BET.
And that has nothin' to do with the fact
that you are not black.
Oh hell no.
I need to get the hell up outta here
before this crazy bitch makes
me forget I'm a Christian.
Crazy bit?
You're callin' me a crazy bitch?
That's right.
You know what?
You can take your punk ass back
to wherever the hell
you got these shoes from
if I'm such a crazy bitch.
I can still return these.
They don't smell.
You got some funky ass feet, girl.
If we keepin' it 100.
Do what you gotta do.
All the damn women in the world,
I gotta get me one that
don't like black people.
I can't believe this-
- You are not black!
Oh my God.
I can't believe this.
Why did I even come over here?
Sittin' up here, tryin' to feel on me,
talkin' 'bout how I remind
him of chicken wings
and hot sauce.
The Hell was I thinkin'?
Got me all upset, I done
left my own damn house!
Get out!
Get the hell out!
You need to go find Jesus!
Don't rush me.
Oh, you ain't takin' my cherries!
Oh, hell yeah, I am.
You cherry stealin' bitch!
All the damn women in the world,
I gotta get me one that
don't like black people.
I wanted a woman with a big booty anyway.
Love just can't seem to find me
Ah, okay.
That's my man.
See ya.
Bye bye.
You must be doin' real well.
I am.
But I'm married.
Man, I don't know
what's up with these men.
It has to be the stupid uniform.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Maybe it's your hair.
It's not the hair.
Look, I told you.
You aren't gonna get a rich
man working here, doing that.
Man, whatever.
Why don't y'all worry
about your damn selves?
I'm gonna get a man.
Y'all just wait and see.
Well, Jim.
You wanna talk about what happened or not?
it didn't work.
What didn't work?
Man, I went over there with some flowers,
candy, and a nice set of high heels.
The come-fuck-me kind, right, boss man?
Yeah, right.
Red ones.
Women love red.
Oh y'all are playin' with me now, right?
No, no, no, no.
Y'all think it's funny?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go on ahead, get y'all's laugh on.
I'm just tryin' to deal
with a personal dilemma.
And y'all crackin' jokes.
Well, go ahead then.
Okay, okay, y'all.
Let's stop playin'.
Come on, man, tell us what happened.
No, no, no.
'Cause this exactly why
I can't tell y'all nothin'.
Y'all too immature.
- What?
- Immature?
Oh, hell no.
I know you didn't call me immature.
Yeah, sounds about right.
No, that's not right.
- See?
- Uh, no.
Stu knows what I'm talkin' about.
No way, man.
We're immature?
You're immature.
Right, Anoop, that's right.
Whatever, man, y'all crazy.
You crazy.
Check me out.
Let me see that for a sec.
Get back.
I have this dark spot
I've been tryin' to get rid of.
Do you have anything for that?
You need to moisturize.
Aw man, y'all are a bunch of girls.
Y'all gonna help me or what?
Hey, I'll get wit' ya, I'll get wit' ya.
So, what happened, man?
Man, it's like I said, y'all.
I went over there with some flowers, candy.
And I got the good kind, too.
You know that kind that
has the little cherries in it?
Ooh, that's the poor
man candies right there.
Yeah, man, you know what else is good?
Indian candy.
- No.
- No.
Heck no, you crazy?
Nothing beats that.
No, no, no.
Know what you wanna do?
You wanna take those
candies while mixing with some
chewing tobacco.
- Now, that's good.
- Don't do that.
Got that nice kind of flavor to it.
That's nasty.
Nah, man, I'm tellin' you.
Is there somethin' I could ask you.
What do women want?
I don't know, security, maybe?
Holy shit.
That's a smart lady right there.
That was right on.
I'll secure that.
You go, girl!
Here we go again.
Man, English, English, Kama Sutra.
- We're in America.
- Buddy, that's my heritage.
Don't rag on my heritage.
We don't speak no Indianese.
That's not funny, okay?
That's my heritage.
Stop raggin' on my heritage
or someone's getting hurt!
Oh, please don't hurt us!
Damn, man, we're just playin' with you.
Give me a slushie.
Calm down, my soul brother.
I went over there with the good candies.
Bought these nice pair of heels, right?
Gave 'em to her, right?
And nothin'.
- Nothin'?
- Mm hm.
What do you mean nothin'?
Nothin' happened.
Well, she was happy she got them, right?
She at least thanked you, right?
You got at least a hug and a kiss, right?
I know what happened.
She broke him off.
She gave him a little
somethin', somethin', right?
He got some!
He got some!
He got some!
Man, shut up.
I didn't get shit, okay?
I got the cold shoulder, that's what I go.
That's why it didn't work.
I don't get it.
I mean, you gave her a
nice pair of heels, right?
That's one of them things women want.
Correct, correct.
I know.
They weren't red.
See, women like red pumps.
Man, that's stupid.
Shouldn't matter what color they are.
It's the gesture that counts.
That's right, boss man.
- Buddha knows.
- No.
It's the thought that counts.
It's a good man steppin' up and say in,
"Hey, baby, I love you."
And I'll prove it.
Here's a nice pair of shoes.
For you to wear when I
take you to the movies.
Keep your feet warm.
Look at you, girl.
Lookin' all nice.
Got me salivatin' already!
Yeah, that's kinda sweet.
That sounds nice.
Little bit romantic.
A little bit.
Then, on top of that.
She got all racial on me.
That ain't cool.
Thank you.
Yeah, the girl had the nerve
to say I wasn't even black.
Can you believe that?
I can't believe that.
Shanequa said that?
Yeah, that's somethin' real.
Naw, I can see that.
- What?
- I mean, you're light.
I mean, uh.
Darn, that's wrong.
That's just wrong.
Mm hm.
See, now I know how you feel.
Rag on someone's heritage like that.
It's the context.
It's the context of how they sayin' it.
See what I'm sayin'?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you right.
You're right.
See, now y'all with me.
Now we finally communicatin'.
Okay, now, that's friendship.
That's friendship right there.
Yeah, you right.
I guess, I guess.
For real, boss man.
Thank you.
Ebony and ivory, baby.
Ebony and ivory.
What, what, what?
Oh, you feel it in your heart.
I know you do.
You know you love me, Marcus.
Why is this man so damn stupid?
Look, man, anyways.
Much as I hate to say this,
maybe she just wasn't the right woman.
What do you mean?
We all know women like shoes, right?
That's one of the things
they want the most, right?
But she didn't accept shoes.
So, forget the fact
they weren't red, right?
Forget that.
Maybe that was her way of sayin',
"I like them and I like
you, but I can't accept it."
That actually makes complete sense.
Are you sure you're not Hindu?
I dunno.
That's some wisdom right there.
You gotta listen to him.
- He's right.
- Thank you.
Okay, okay.
Darn, I really liked her, too.
I know, man.
She was fine.
Oh yeah, she was fine.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, she had a sweet ass.
Skin looked like honey and smelled good.
Damn, she smelled good.
And the way she used to kiss me, man.
With those juicy lips.
Got me all roused up.
Like a kid in a candy store,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Like a kid in a candy store.
Just let me have one lick.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, hey.
Keep Mr. Johnson down there, all right?
See this why I can't tell y'all nothin'.
That's y'all's problems.
Y'all can't communicate y'all's feelin's.
See, I don't have a problem with that
because I'm a pure, spiritual black man.
I can talk about anything.
See, I'm in church with my own sexuality.
Whatever, man.
Yeah, whatever, whatever.
See that's just love, okay?
That's love.
What I'm sayin' is just makin' love
is just the natural thing, see?
Y'all on the closet with your sexuality.
I'm not.
I'm out in the open.
I'm lettin' it loose.
I'm free, I'm free.
- You know what I'm sayin'?
- Yeah,
and that's your problem.
You're too damn free.
Yeah, amen to that.
Yeah, man.
You might need therapy.
Man, shut up, I don't need no therapy.
You the one who need therapy.
All y'all.
Man, let's just shut up and drink.
All right, Fresh Prince.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, uh, excuse me.
We got somethin' to ask you.
What in the hell do women want?
What do women want?
I don't know.
That don't make sense.
Hell nah, the don't want no damn love.
- No.
- Heck no.
- Mm, no.
- Tried that.
Man, did not work.
I'm sorry, baby, no.
Wrong answer.
I got it.
I know women want and
I can't believe we didn't
think of this before.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- Yeah, man, what?
Women love to eat.
So, it's obvious, they want food.
You know what?
I can't believe I get to
sit here between you
and this jackass right here.
Oh man.
Man, I'm sorry, okay?
Maybe in India, but this is America.
Women don't want no food.
That's right.
All right, look, I'm gonna
teach you guys, okay?
The Kama Sutra has finally spoken to me.
And I'm gonna show all of you guys.
Hail to Hinduism.
Hail to Hinduism.
Teach me?
Ain't gonna teach me shit.
I've got all the answers.
Man, I'm sorry.
But that motherfucker's crazy.
All I do is work harder
All I do is work harder, yeah
Hustle a little bit smarter
To take myself farther, yeah
That's my ride.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
You come here often?
They did a good job on your car.
Yeah, yeah, I'm very happy.
What's that?
A Cadillac?
Uh, well it's a Hyundai.
Oh, a Hyundai?
I heard of those.
How 'bout you make me your day?
- Uh, I don't think so,
- Lookin' really good.
My friend.
I think I've washed this one before, too.
I can do more than just wash cars.
I can wash you.
I bet you can.
Yes, I could.
Okay, great.
Have a good day.
All right.
Oh shit.
Oh this some bullshit here.
Oh hell no.
Uh uh.
No, Anoop, that is not how you say it.
It's right on the card, "Jason Red Dick."
It's Reddick.
I read the card and it's "Red Dick".
I've been meaning to ask you.
What do you want out of life?
Where did that come from?
Me and the boys were
talkin' the other day and-
- Anoop.
I wish you would make some new friends.
You know how I don't like
you hangin' out with those guys.
They're okay.
No, hun, they're not okay.
One of them is about as dumb as a cucumber.
The other one thinks that he's James Bond.
And the other one thinks that he's black.
I mean, come on, does
that sound okay to you?
They're mostly just fooling around.
No, don't you start defending them.
They're most certainly not kidding around.
I'm serious.
I think they need professional help.
That's what I was just saying.
Oh my God, that was disgusting.
No, no, no.
You have got to make some new friends.
You gotta stop listening to those guys.
In fact, you just need
to find a new roommate.
I met this guy the other day.
Oh my gosh, so intellectual.
I think you'd really like him.
He's giving a talk next weekend
on arousing the inner self.
Oh my God, we have to go.
- Yeah, sure.
- Great.
You're gonna have so much fun.
I promise.
Anyways, babe.
You didn't answer me from earlier.
What do you want out of life?
I don't know.
I mean, I guess what any woman wants.
But, can we talk about this later?
This is my favorite show.
Like shoes?
Like high heels?
Yeah, I guess shoes.
All women love shoes.
I don't know any woman
who doesn't like shoes.
I do.
- Huh?
- Nothing.
That's it?
Well, no, I mean.
A nice home, a nice car.
You know, the little things.
Those aren't little.
You know, just to feel secure.
What about clothes?
Well, of course clothes.
I love clothes.
I don't know any woman
who doesn't love clothes.
What about food?
Well, yeah, food.
We can't survive without food and water.
That's exactly what I told the guys.
What did you tell the guys?
I have this theory and these four idiots
were tryin' to tell me that women like this
and women like that,
and I told them, point blank
and I knew.
I knew.
Well, anyways, let me
just go grab it for you.
What's this?
Oh, they're for you.
You've never gotten me anything.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry about that.
But I just thought it was
time I got you something
a little special.
Can I open it now?
Yeah, of course.
Wow, honey.
It's cute.
I knew women like lingerie, so-
- It's cute.
I bought some.
Let's see what else you got me.
What do you think?
It's the good type of naan, too.
I was thinkin' we could
have some with dinner later.
Maybe with some kebabs and.
Then, for desert with some Dulce halwa.
It's gonna be great.
Um, hon?
What the hell is this?
It's naan.
It's Indian bread.
It's very tasty.
I can see that it's bread.
Is it some kind of a joke?
No, no joke.
I love you.
I was just trying to
get you something nice.
Something nice?
Something nice?
So, what?
You're idea of something nice is that
I'm gonna get dressed up like
a whore and feed you bread?
I spent a year with you.
Waiting for an engagement ring.
Hell, waiting for a damn
Valentine's Day present.
And when you finally get me
something it's slutty underwear
and bread?
I'm sorry.
I, I thought you might like it.
- Food's a symbol of love.
- Like it?
Where is my engagement ring, huh?
Where is my designer handbag?
Where's my Mercedes?
The only reason I'm with you is because
I thought that you would bust your ass
to be with someone like me.
I've been carrying you.
You're a freaking charity case.
When I met you, you
could barely speak English.
That's not true.
Do you know how many
men look at me every day?
And how many times I could've
been with someone else?
I'm sorry.
Maybe, I love you.
- Stop hitting me.
- Get out of my way.
Take this slutty shit with you.
By the way.
I like Italian food.
Love just can't seem to find me
I can get you some pasta!
So, you wanna tell us
what happened or what?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, what?
You mean she didn't like
the chicken curry and rice?
Man, you see?
I told you that wouldn't work.
'Cause this ain't India, man.
This America.
Land of the free.
Home of the materialistic.
- Amen, brother.
- Yeah, that's right.
Man, I just don't get it.
What do women want?
You know, my mom used to
cook for my dad all the time
and he would love it.
And, sometimes, my dad would come home
and bring lamp chops.
And my mom would hug
him and kiss him and tell him
how much she loves him.
And I swear to Shiva, man,
after dinner, after everyone went to bed,
I think they did it.
And she was genuinely happy about that.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Get what?
You were poor.
I get it.
Now that makes sense.
That doesn't make sense.
What does being poor
have anything to do with it?
And we weren't poor.
Man, bein' poor ain't
nothin' to be ashamed of.
My family was poor.
Shut up, man, you still poor.
Shut the hell up.
No, no, no, that's right.
Whole darn country
got us feelin' inadequate.
No, no, no that's right, that's right.
We're breakin' out the big words now.
Lord, help me, you done got me started.
We about to have a
deep, deep ass discussion.
Calm down, Jim.
No, no, no, whole country got us thinkin'
we gotta be like this and act like that.
That's right, I said it.
Got these magazines all up in our face,
sayin' you should be
buyin' this and buyin' that.
And you need to lose
weight, 'cause you're too big.
Ain't nothin' wrong with
a full-figured woman.
That's more for me to love.
That's right.
Mm mm!
Baby, let me squeeze you and tease ya.
- Feel me?
- Yeah.
But, no!
You gotta be drivin' this kinda
car, be with this kinda man.
Heck, when I was little,
all I needed was my mama and an ice cream.
That's all I needed and I was happy.
I was happy, Jack.
All I needed was my Sheik.
All I needed was a football.
I was all-American back in the day.
All I needed was my cousin.
Damn, she was fine.
See, now that's nasty.
You need some help.
Anyways, all's I'm sayin' is,
what's changed, hm?
What's changed?
We got more technology now.
- More debt.
- Yes.
We have better toys.
Heck, no, we ain't got no toys.
That was rhetorical question, ya dumb-
- Rhetorical?
Another big word from Jim.
Nothin's changed, that's
my point, ya ignorant sons of.
Nothin's changed, okay?
You got all these magazines,
tryin' to make us think
we need this and that,
when we don't need.
All we need is our mamas
and an ice cream cone, okay?
You feel me?
We don't need this car or that boat,
this ring or that house.
We just need each other.
Simple things.
That's all I'm sayin', okay?
You feel me?
It's okay to be poor.
You ain't got to be ashamed of who you are
or where you come from.
That's all I'm sayin'.
I know that's right.
Amen, bro.
Oh yeah.
My time, baby.
Amen, bro.
Oh, hell no.
I'm not touchin' that.
I can't do nothin' with that.
You know what?
That does make sense, though.
Oh, here we go again.
Oh, no, no, no, Marcus.
I'm just agreein' with Floyd.
You see, when you're poor,
women appreciate things more,
includin' big important things like food.
That's why your moms would get all excited
when your pops brought home the bacon.
Lamb chops.
He brought home the lamb chops.
Well, what's the difference?
You know what the hell I'm talkin' about.
You said bacon.
It wasn't bacon, it was lamb chops.
Okay, okay.
Bacon, lamb chops, whatever.
The point is, that's why she got happy.
So you're saying Sarah got
mad, because she's not poor?
So, food wasn't a good gift for her?
That's right, man.
Now, he gets it.
There, now he gets it.
See, if she was poor, then
she would've been all over you.
Oh heck yeah.
He did just bring her bread,
though, not lamb chops.
Yeah, he did.
That is true.
Damn, you must really be poor.
No, he ain't poor.
He's just cheap as hell.
Dude, I, I just don't get this.
It's all confusing.
I just want a girl who
loves me, listens to me,
and, maybe believe in
a little bit of Hinduism?
Welcome to my world, brother.
Welcome to my world.
I'd like a woman with a big booty.
Mm mm.
Anyways, I just
don't know what to do now.
She won't even talk to me.
Look here, my little Indian friend.
Let me ease up here and
holla at you for a minute.
What you need to do is drag
your cheap Indian ass over there
and bring that girl some
candy, flowers, jewelry,
a brand new car, and
whatever else that materialistic,
no good, gold diggin' bitch wants,
if you wanna keep her.
Yeah, no.
Hell no.
You need to cut that ho loose.
Well, I was gonna say that,
but I didn't think he would listen.
Cut her loose?
I don't agree with that at all.
I love her.
Bro, you don't love her, okay?
That's love you don't need, all right?
That's a divorce waitin' to happen.
You know what?
I'm with Jim on this one.
This is why I can't tell you guys nothin'.
You guys are always on
someone else's backside
and not mine.
Why nobody on your backside, man?
That's nasty.
Yeah, calm down, man.
Yeah, man, don't go all terrorist on us.
Shit, we just tryin' to help.
You guys aren't helpin', okay?
Okay, look.
Since I'm the real player
here, I'm gonna let y'all in
on a little secret.
What, you ugly?
'Cause we already knew that.
Very funny.
Secret is women want one thing.
Just one.
If you can find out what that one thing is,
you got 'em right where you want 'em
for the rest of their lives.
What, a good orgasm?
'Cause we already knew that.
Heck no.
Well, yeah, but that
ain't what I'm talkin' about.
Well, what the hell
you talkin' about then?
Look, Anoop.
If you can figure out what
that one thing is that Sarah wants,
she will be putty in your
hands for the rest of your life.
I guarantee it.
How the heck am I
supposed to figure that out?
Darned if I know.
I don't know everything.
I'm the the one and only
all-knowing god of the universe.
Y'all need to get up off y'all's lazy butts
and find out for yourself.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Watch it now.
I work 12 hour days, you country bumpkin.
It's cool, dude, it's cool.
Look, I'm just sayin'.
I found what Loretta wants.
That one thing.
And, after tomorrow night,
she's gonna be with me forever.
So, I'm gonna tell you guys right now,
I probably won't be playin' as much poker
for a little while.
Oh, okay.
I like that.
- Finally!
- Thank God!
I'll bring the beer.
I thought you would never leave.
That fool was about
to get on my last nerve.
'Kay, all right, I see how it is.
Maybe I'll leave right now then.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
It be my destiny to
prove that I'm the greatest
My time, my time, my time
They say I'm confused
To let 'em become
See ya.
Bye Stu.
See you later.
My time
Check your watch
I've been gettin' on for
so long without a watch
With them haters
You're the one up on the clock
Only got one shot to give it all I got
Hey, we just playin'.
Come on back.
You know we love you.
- Come on back.
- A little bit,
we cray cray.
Hey, it's cool, brother.
Nothin' but love.
Nothin' but love.
You know I love you, bro.
Mm hm.
Sure y'all do.
So that's when I told 'em, baby,
you just gotta put a door
right there in front of that gate
and them pigs won't get out no more.
Baby, you are a genius.
Oh, I know.
You know what you should do?
What's that?
You should go on that game show.
Oh, I love that show.
Me and my mama watched that show.
Think of the hundreds
of dollars we would win.
And we would have hundreds of dollars.
Man, we could have, like,
chew and beer and Stu and you.
That's a package right there.
That is, that's a package.
That's right.
You know, because you're my baby angel,
I got you a little somethin'.
You got me somethin'?
Yeah, I got this for ya
and it's no used, it's new.
I didn't get it from
somebody cryin' or nothin'.
You got me a gift?
Not just any gift.
Oh, wait, wait.
Before you open that, I
just wanna tell you somethin'.
I just wanna tell you how
much you mean to me.
How much these last few
months have meant to me.
I mean, it's been the best time of my life.
And, the truth is,
I never thought I'd meet someone like you.
Someone who gets my jokes.
Lets me fart in the bed
and pull the covers up.
You like that one, you do.
See, I see you laughin'.
Drinks my beer.
That's one of my favorites, by the way.
Mine too, mine too.
Oh, uh.
Hold on now.
Where was I?
Let me see.
You like me.
And I like you.
And, most of all, you lets me chew my chew.
You remember that one time
you asked me to try some?
You got all red and threw up on me.
That's when I knew.
I knew right then that you
were the right girl for me.
And, ever since then, I
been wonderin' and thinkin'
about what I could get you
to show how much you mean to me.
Then, it hit me.
So, here it is.
It's not 'cause they're important.
But it's 'cause you are, to me.
Aw, my little Stu-y.
Aw, shucks.
Go ahead and open it up now.
Oh my lord, this is so nice.
Like it?
I love it.
Oh, baby.
I'm gonna go try it on for you right now.
Now, hold on.
Hold on a second.
I got you somethin' else.
Just have a seat here for a minute.
Somethin' else?
Oh, Stu.
Oh my Lord.
Loretta, like I've been sayin'.
I wanted to show you
how much you mean to me
and how much these last
few months meant to me.
And, I.
I wanted to seal it with that one thing.
That one thing that makes life worth,
worth livin' together.
Will you move in with me?
Is that a bag of chewin' tobacco?
You betcha.
It's your favorite.
And, look, there's a
little engraved can in here
that you can put your little chew in.
There's a little key so you
can keep it all locked up.
Are you surprised?
Ha ha, I knew you would be.
I done told the fellas
I found that one thing
that makes you love me.
And here it is.
Your very own bag of chew.
Go ahead, take it.
I had some on my way over.
It's good.
We need beers.
I'm gonna get you one.
Get out.
What you wanna go somewhere?
You wanna go out?
You wanna get out and celebrate?
Get out.
Get the hell outta here.
I been puttin' up with you for months.
Your smells, your farts.
That sick shit you wanted to do in bed.
And that stupid ass haircut.
And instead of an engagement ring,
you bring me chewin' tobacco?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You could've at least
bought a case of Budweiser.
Now, I told you my mama took me
to the doctor that one
time and they let me go
and said there weren't
nothin' wrong with me.
I told you that.
Well, maybe you should
give them this chewin' tobacco,
'cause I ain't havin' it.
Get out!
Wait, I thought you liked chew?
I was bein' nice, you idiot!
Can't you be nice again?
Well, what about us?
I thought I was gettin' you the one thing
you really wanted.
Then, you are dumber
than your mama
led you to believe!
Now, get out!
And take this nasty crap with ya!
He ain't no genius.
But, baby, ain't this my house?
Get out!
Love just can't seem to find me
Big Stu!
How'd your date go, bro?
Man, I don't even wanna talk about it.
I guess she wanted more than one thing.
Yeah, she wanted everything, right?
Instead of chew.
You should have seen him when I got home.
Sittin' on the curb like a lost puppy.
I had to bring him in.
It's okay, Stu.
We're sorry.
We don't have to talk about it.
Oh, hell yeah, we do.
No, we don't, Jim.
Yeah, maybe we shouldn't.
Think we might wanna
leave this one alone.
Ah, just leave the boy alone.
Forget that.
I had to talk about it.
Y'all wouldn't leave me
the hell alone about it.
Leave you alone?
We couldn't get you to shut up.
Man, why don't you shut
up and go open up a 7/11?
Makes some money for a change.
Yeah, your people
sure do like them 7/11s,
I tell you that.
See, he's okay.
Yeah, 7/11.
Or WaWas.
That ain't even funny, okay?
Even though it's true.
All right, all right.
It's okay, Stu.
Man, she kicked me out.
She didn't even wanna talk about it.
We feel you, young man.
I just don't understand.
I thought I knew her.
I really loved her.
Thought we were gonna get married.
We were gonna make little Stuies, you know?
I thought I had the answer, man.
What the heck do women want, anyways?
Shit, damn, I dunno.
Beats me.
She done stomped on my heart, guys.
I'm hurtin'.
I'm hurtin' bad.
I ain't even have a chew today.
It's like she might as well a died,
'cause she's outta my life for good.
She don't ever wanna
see me ever again.
Hold it together, Stewie.
I love you, guys.
I remember when my Pops died.
It was bad.
I didn't wanna talk to anyone.
Yeah, I felt the same way when
my grandmother passed away.
When my dear Estelle
passed, it was very hard.
It's okay, Stu.
You take all the time you need, all right?
Hell no, it ain't okay.
She ain't dead.
She left him.
There's a big difference.
Not now, Jim.
Nuh uh, damn her.
Forget her.
She don't deserve you, Stu.
Yeah, you might be slow sometimes,
but you a nice guy.
You shouldn't feel sad
about this shit is all I'm sayin'.
Forget her.
Man, you don't understand.
I don't understand?
I don't understand?
I understand plenty.
Shanequa left me, remember?
That prejudiced bitch didn't deserve me
and Loretta didn't deserve you, okay?
Yeah, we might not rich,
but we're good peoples, okay?
We are good men.
We take care of business.
We pay our bills.
That's all I'm sayin'.
And if she can't see that,
and she thinks she can do better,
then damn her.
Let her go try.
And, you.
You need to go out
there like the rest of us
and find a woman who will appreciate you.
If you want a woman who
likes to chew that nasty ass
chewin' tobacco,
then you go find her.
You feelin' me?
I feel you.
You know what?
You're right.
I am a good man.
I pay my bills.
Mm hm.
I take care of my business.
I like public affection.
Oh yeah.
I like cold beers.
All right.
I like to cuddle after sex.
Oh yeah.
I like to suck on a girl's big toe.
I do that.
That's good.
And I like to lick her-
- Whoa!
Sure you don't wanna know?
We're good.
All right, okay.
I'm just sayin', Jim's right.
I'm a good man.
The best!
Little freaky.
But you all right.
Next weekend.
Pig races?
I'm gonna find me a new girlfriend.
A good one.
One that don't mind
me fartin' in the house.
There you go.
Gotta have standards.
Y'all nasty.
Mm hm.
Y'all know where y'all
goin' wrong at, don't y'all?
Y'all cheap.
Y'all should've bought them women jewelry.
And, if you did, then we
probably wouldn't even
be havin' this conversation right now.
- Whatever.
- Come on.
That's true, that's true.
Women sure do like them some jewelry.
Thank you.
Okay, okay.
Just watch.
I'm gonna surprise Tina tomorrow night.
I got her some beautiful jewelry.
And then, bam!
She gon' be all over me.
Man, that ice better cost
hundreds of thousands.
'Cause that girl is the most
money-grubbin' ho of all times.
Like Ali said, "Of all times."
Man, whatever.
You don't even know my girl like that, dog.
I know enough.
No you don't.
Just shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
- No, you shut up.
- You shut up.
You shut up.
I shut up.
Darn right, you shut up.
You both shut up.
Yeah, Jim, shut up.
I'm gonna see my girl tomorrow night.
I got her a gift.
And, bam!
You guys will be at my wedding
in about 10 to 12 months.
Oh, man, you're gettin' married?
Once she sees this ice I got her,
ooh, it is on!
Where is it at?
I got it put away.
I wanna see you with it.
Yeah, let's see it.
Yeah, let's see it.
I'm definitely not lettin' you see it.
I got it put away.
Just chill.
You'll see it soon enough.
I bet he ain't even bought it yet.
Probably gettin' it outta layaway tomorrow.
No, I'm not gettin' it
outta damn layaway.
I bet he got it at a pawn shop.
Did you get it at a pawn shop?
I wouldn't tell her that.
No, Stu, I did not get it at a pawn shop.
Yo, can we just drop it?
Just chill?
Good luck.
That's all I gots to say.
Good luck, 'cause you gonna need it.
Look here, man.
Slide over her and let me
holler at you for a minute.
What's up?
How in the hell is it
that you grew up poor?
Oh, here we go.
Darn, guys, can we just not
get into any more arguments, okay?
Hold on, I ain't tryin'
to start no argument.
I'm just curious.
Every Indian I see is rich.
They got all the money.
Yeah, well obviously not all of them.
Yo, can we just chill?
I'm just tryin' to, like, keep the peace.
Hold on, hold on, it's
botherin' me, Marcus.
All them Indian people got that old money
and he grew up poor.
I'm just tryin' to wrap
that around my head.
That don't make no sense.
Look, my parents didn't own oil, okay?
And, besides, not everyone in India's rich.
Is everyone in the U.S. rich?
- Heck no.
- Correct.
Ya see?
Yeah, but why not?
And what kind of a name
is Anoop Aran Amir Patel?
How in the hell you gonna
name somebody Amir
after a mirror?
"Hey, here's my son, A mirror.
Check yourself out."
First of all, it's not a mirror.
It's Yamir.
Second of all, that's
not even my first name.
It's my middle name.
Whatever, Amir.
That's right, that's right.
You are right.
I didn't think about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You see where I'm goin' with this, Marcus?
Even our culture, okay?
Got all these women callin' their children.
Shanequa or Shanailnail.
What the hell is a Shanailnail, anyway?
And I ain't leavin' out
the white culture, neither.
'Cause they got the most borin' ass names
in the history of mankind.
Callin' all their children
Jim, Edward, Mike, okay?
I know about a million Jims
and every damn one of 'em
put me to sleep, like.
Except for me, of course.
He's right, he's right.
I know about five.
Ha! There you go.
That is true.
I didn't think about that.
You're right.
Thought about what?
It ain't true.
Yeah, see, he in denial.
'Cause he know I'm right.
Oh, you know who has the best names?
People from the south.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like names like Bubba, Red, Jimbob.
You did not just say
you like the name Jimbob.
You dumb country, mo-
- Okay, okay.
Yeah, I like it.
It's a good name.
It's American name.
What's wrong with it, huh?
What's wrong with it?
You do not want me to
tell you what's wrong with it.
Yeah, I'd rather we
just stuck with A Mirror
than Jimbob.
There you go.
Man, this what's wrong with y'all.
Y'all wouldn't know a good
name if it bit you in the ass.
Bro, just, just calm down.
Nah, nah, nah, here we go again.
Yeah, man, you better
sit your country butt down
'fore I break out the
Matrix Fu on your ass.
Naw, naw, naw.
Screw you, Jim, 'cause you the worst one.
You really are.
Oh hell no.
He did not just say I was the worster one.
Boy, you better sit down before I break out
the Matrix Fu on your ass.
'Cause I don't play.
You're ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
I'll slap the white off your ass.
Fight, fight.
See that?
That's the three finger technique.
Boy, you don't want none of that.
Sit down.
You know what?
Hey, y'all, y'all both chill out.
Did you see that?
How it rose up like that.
Boy, I was floatin'.
I was floatin', Jack.
Did you see that, Mar?
'Cause I was, like.
Boy, that was some skill right there.
I mean, that was some serious shit.
Man, whatever.
Listen, you know what?
Let's just get up outta here, all right?
You did sit down, though.
I'm so sorry.
Man, you know I love you.
Stop hatin'.
Stop hatin'.
Ah, okay, okay.
Give him some.
- Come on now.
- You want some love?
Aw, look at.
You're cool, you're cool.
I like your hat, Jim.
I'm gonna buy you some chew tomorrow.
Ooh, chew!
I love chew.
Want some, Marcus?
No, Stu.
Black people don't chew.
That's true, we don't.
Hey, babe.
Hey, girl.
It's so good to see you.
It's good to see you.
I've been thinkin' about you all day.
I couldn't wait to get here.
Babe, I'm loving my new job
workin' for the fashion magazine.
Oh, it's a dream of mine, really.
But, I have to tell you,
some of the girls there?
I think they shop at Walmart.
Have you been to that
store that I told you about?
You like that?
You like that?
I love it.
Hey, babe.
Think I should let my hair grow out?
Like this style right here?
No, babe.
You look perfect just the way you are.
So, how was your day, babe?
Mm, it was good.
What about yours?
Oh, before I forget.
Thank you so much for
the flowers and balloons.
Today, at work, all the girls were like,
"Woo, girl, what did you do?"
Of course, I didn't tell them.
'Cause they don't need to
be in our business, right?
I'm glad you liked them.
Oh, babe, I met the most
amazing couple the other day.
He's a lawyer at the
most prestigious law firm
and she's a doctor.
Can you believe that?
And you should see the
car that they were driving.
Ah, a new Cadillac.
Oh, what a sweet ride.
Oh, and the outfit.
She had on 400 Manolo Blahnik.
She was it, okay?
She was the moment.
And she's totally my new best friend.
We're going out with them this Friday.
And I want you to wear that new suit
that I bought for you, okay?
Okay, baby.
Oh my God, you should've seen that suit
that he was wearing, too.
Armani, baby.
Oh my gosh.
I think he got it in Italy.
It's the nicest suit I've ever seen.
And his watch, too.
Oh my gosh.
I could go on and on.
I'm sorry.
That's nice, baby.
Sounds like good people.
The best, baby, the best.
These are the people that
you should be hanging out with.
Instead of those friends of yours.
You know, I think we should
get you a new suit for Friday.
Can you believe that
they tried to charge me $20?
You pay $20.
I'm not gonna give you $20.
I'm not your homie.
What is he saying?
I don't know.
Okay, no.
This is what I'm talking about.
What the hell is even on his head?
Oh, nuh uh.
You need to stop hanging out-
- Look, I'm not
gonna give you 20 bucks.
Come on, man.
Okay, okay.
Man, you gotta go.
Bros before hos, bro.
Excuse me?
Nothin', baby.
What did you call me?
I'm serious, Marcus,
I can't live like this.
That's it.
From now on, you're
coming over to my place.
Okay, okay, baby, I will.
He's gone.
By the way, what's wrong with
the suit that you bought me?
I just don't like the color
for where we're going.
It just doesn't match.
Baby, where we goin'?
I got other suits.
Oh, this really nice place.
I know you've got some
really nice stuff, Marcus,
but you need something
a little extra special.
Let mama take care of you, okay?
You remember how we
were talking about
Yeah, yeah.
Well, about that, I went to the mall.
I saw this beautiful engagement ring.
It was three carats, white gold.
Beautiful design.
Diamond crusted around the center.
It was to die for.
And you would've loved it.
And it was on sale.
It was not even that expensive, either.
Like, 30 Gs?
You're excited, I can tell.
You're gonna love it.
And, there was only one of them.
Can you believe that?
But, every girl should have a
unique engagement ring, right?
Will you please go look at it?
You know what?
You leave me the address,
I'll go take a look at it.
Here you go.
Okay, you.
You have it right there.
Mm hm.
Meet her.
Um, she has it in the back.
She's waiting for you around six.
Just tryin' to be helpful, babe.
Oh, oh.
Speakin' of jewelry.
I got you a little somethin' somethin'.
- You didn't have to.
- Yes.
But it's totally okay that you did.
Oh my gosh.
What's the occasion?
Just because.
You're you.
And you make me wanna be a better me.
I do do that, don't I?
Thank you.
My gosh, it's so beautiful.
Oh, I can't wait to show the girls.
Oh, they're just going to die.
Especially Melanie.
She's gonna die right in her cubicle.
I'm ready for that.
Oh my God, it's gorgeous.
Where did you get it?
Oh, uh, some place at called 402nd.
Oh, baby, did you get it from Jared's?
Why does it matter where I went?
It's beautiful and it's you.
It is me, isn't it?
I'm just asking, because I
think it should be insured,
or I think we should get it appraised.
Nah, I don't think we need to do that.
Well, you never know.
There could be a break-in
or could be a robbery.
Or I could lose it, God forbid.
We should open a safety deposit box.
Oh, now I have something
to wear for our date
with Jill and her husband.
So, where did you get it?
You know what?
I need to use the restroom.
Order me another drink, please.
- Okay.
- Okay?
I'll be right back.
Hang on, baby.
Can you take this off for me, please?
What for?
I just wanna look at it, ya know?
Okay, all right.
Thank you.
This looks really expensive.
I hope it didn't set you back
to much for our engagement.
Listen, we are fine, okay?
You know, something, like, this valuable
should always be insured.
I'm gonna go to the jeweler's
tomorrow and get it done.
No, no, no.
You know what?
Let me do it.
I gotta go downtown, anyways, tomorrow.
I'll take it, I got this.
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can totally do it, I-
- Baby.
I got you.
I got it, okay?
You know, Marcus, maybe
we shouldn't worry about it.
You know what?
You know what?
Where's the waitress?
Where's the waitress?
Where did you get this bracelet?
I don't wanna tell you.
'Cause you're gonna go down there
and you're gonna see how expensive it was.
Then, you're gonna get all
mad and da, da, da, da, da.
And think we don't
have enough money for it.
Which, in fact, we do, baby.
'Cause guess what?
I got it saved up.
And you know what?
This right here?
I'm goin' downtown,
take a look at it tomorrow.
You know why?
Because you are my sweet, sweet, sweet-
- This bracelet is fake, isn't it?
No, girl, this thing is top of the line.
It cost me a lot of money.
It was the most expensive
CZ in the whole store...
Oh, I know you don't
mean what I think you mean.
Is this cubic zirconia?
Baby, listen, they're making stones
that almost expensive as diamonds, okay?
You can't even tell the difference.
You don't want no blood diamonds.
All those poor little kids in Africa
dyin' over stones and stuff.
Mm. Mm, mm, mm.
Forget the damn kids.
Where did you get this bracelet?
You got this off the street?
Oh, hell no!
Baby, he was givin' me a great deal.
I can't believe you brought
that cheap ass shit to me.
As a gift?
Okay, baby, listen,
I know you're upset, okay?
And I'm sorry.
But, you have to believe me.
It was the most expensive
CZ in the whole store.
And I didn't care, because you're worth it.
You're damn right I'm worth it.
And you shoulda thought about that
before you bought some
cheap ass shit as my gift.
Get the hell out of my
way and do not call me.
Baby, listen, I was tryin' to
get you somethin' nice now,
so I can get you somethin'
for the engagement later.
Mind your damn business.
Get out of my way.
- You cannot call me.
- Baby, please.
Don't you dare call me.
I know you don't mean that, okay?
Hey, listen, I'll take it back.
I'll get you another one tomorrow.
- Keep your cheap shit.
- Hey!
Hang on, girl!
I'll get you those breast implants.
All I do is work harder
All I do is work harder, yeah
Hustle a little bit smarter
To take myself farther, yeah
Got my marchin' orders
Uh, that's him.
See ya.
What, he didn't want none?
It ain't over yet.
Oh man.
Holy shit, she did it.
Oh my God, she pulled it off.
Oh, I got this.
Love just can't seem to find me
What up?
Man, what are you guys doin' here?
Just came to see if you
wanted to grab some dinner.
See what happened with money grubs.
So, did the girl accept
the boobies or what?
Oh, man.
Why did you say it like that?
Well, y'all ain't sayin' nothin'.
I said it, because I'm the only one
with the cajones to do it.
That's balls in Spanish.
Man, it ain't about balls, Jim.
Can't you see this man's upset?
He ain't said a word.
Well, you ask him then.
So, uh, Mr. Black Bond.
What happened?
She didn't like the jewelry?
She, uh.
She bust the windows out my car.
And told me don't call her no more.
Oh hell no.
You bought that girl
some fake shit, didn't you?
No, see that girl?
She can spot a fake diamond
like a hundred miles off.
Got some weird diamond scope vision.
Man, I thought you said
you got her somethin' nice?
I did.
It was expensive.
It was beautiful, too.
I don't know, man, I.
I don't know what women want.
I even bought her breast implants.
What do women want, huh?
I don't know - Beats me.
Who knows?
Naw, see, that girl?
You'da have to buy her some big double Ds.
Like from the best plastic surgeon in LA.
Yeah, like some big giant
goat boobs or somethin'.
What the?
You see, in my country-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, Hindi.
Woo, look at my big beautiful boobs.
I'm too good for you.
Man, you are nasty.
Anyways, look, man.
You're probably better off.
- Yeah, man.
- That's right.
Guess you guys are right.
Wanna know what this party needs?
Guys night out!
- That's right, Stu.
- Hell yeah.
Bro, I'm good.
I thank you, but nah.
No, forget that.
You goin'.
Yeah, man, we'll
pick you up at 8 o'clock.
I said I'm not goin'.
Hey, I have a voice.
I said I'm not goin'!
All I do is work harder
You all know what this party needs?
Some of my grand pappy's
100 year old original recipe
good old-fashioned moonshine.
I been savin' this for a
special occasion and this is it.
Oh, hell no.
That stuff will kill you.
Finally, he brings the real liquor.
Bring it on.
What's moonshine?
You don't know what moonshine is?
Do not drink.
This stuff will knock you out.
It'll turn you out.
No, it won't, no it won't.
Yeah, it will.
This stuff is my grand
pappy's favorite recipe
and it is as smooth as a baby's behind.
Well, that's smooth enough for me.
Let me have some.
It ain't nothin' but liquor, Hindi.
Try it, you'll like it.
I was born to be way more than average
Gonna keep climbin' 'til
there ain't no more ladder
Woo hoo.
Hey, yo.
Bro, you better slow down, cuz.
Damn, it ain't no Kool Aid.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh, it's good.
All I do is work harder
All I do is work harder, yeah
Mm, yeah.
It's actually really good.
As a matter of fact.
It's some
really good stuff, dude.
May I?
Yeah, I told you.
Who needs women anyways?
I got my grand pappy's
good old-fashioned whiskey.
Damn straight.
All right.
You know what, guys?
You guys are whack.
You're my breast friends.
Bro, what?
My breast friends.
What the heck?
You guys are my brothers
from a separate mother.
No, bro, that's another mother.
You know what I meant.
All I'm tryin' to say is
that I love you, guys.
Mm hm.
You know what?
- Marcus.
- Hm?
I love you.
Man, I love you guys, too.
Hey, let me get some of that.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Just showin' the love, Marcus.
Darn, Marcus.
It's good, ain't it?
Yeah, it is good, all right.
Guys, forget Sarah.
You know what?
She doesn't know you guys like I do.
And, besides.
She's homosexual, anyways.
- What?
- What?
Yeah, she likes to
sleep with men and women.
Dude, that's.
That's bisexual.
That's what I said.
Oh, hold up.
You lucky bastard.
Darn Loretta.
Who needs her?
I got you guys.
- My friends for life.
- All right.
Besides, most women
don't even like whiskey anyway.
Yeah, you right.
You know what they like?
Goddamn wine coolers.
Or some expensive ass
shit you can't even pronounce.
Yeah, or liquor with soda.
Oh, oh, oh, I got it!
No, no, no.
Let me show you some dancin'.
Watch this.
Yeah, this real dancin' right here.
Hey, hey, no.
Hey, stop.
Get out the way.
Stop, stop, stop.
Put on some MJ for y'all.
Mm, mm hm.
That's right.
Hey, you know what?
Hey, oh.
Let's line up.
Come on, let's line up.
Let's get a routine.
Come on!
Let's bring it back old school, come on.
Look at this shit.
Smell that.
Hey, let's go, guys!
Time to wake up.
Rise and shine!
Let's go.
Get up.
Come on.
Let me help you up, come on.
I feel great.
You don't look great, I'll tell you that.
My head's pounding.
Yeah, come on, gentlemen.
Had a lot to drink last night.
Come on.
Out to the kitchen.
Not all at one time.
Let's go.
To the kitchen.
Don't you dare touch me.
Dang, my head.
Come on, man, I made coffee already.
What day is it?
I feel great.
Hey, hey, come on.
You guys want some?
You need to calm down on that, man.
I know what I'm doin'.
Whatever, man, all right.
Look, I was thinkin' about
goin' to the movies today.
Y'all with me?
Yeah, that's cool.
I guess so.
I got a few errands to run first, though.
Oh, okay.
Well, you need to go ahead and do those,
'cause I'm tryin' to
make the 2 o'clock show.
Anyways, I was drinkin'
my coffee this mornin'.
I got to thinkin' about some stuff.
Like what?
You know.
How everything went down
with Jim and Shanequa.
And we're all tryin' to
figure out what women want.
And it hit me.
Like a bomb went off inside my head.
Why are we so concerned
about what women want?
So we'll know.
No, no, no, no, no.
See, y'all missin' the point.
We need to be concerned about what we want.
Not what they want.
We need to take care of ourselves.
We need to focus on our dreams.
And our purposes in life.
And, if we do that.
If we keep getting better.
And we keep going?
The right woman will come along.
She'll be our everything.
She'll be our dream girl.
And, most importantly, she'll
accept us for who we are.
Ya feelin' me?
So, you're sayin', if
we get ourselves straight,
we'll pull the right girl?
Is that what you're sayin'?
I see.
It's like some sort of
reverse universal flow.
By doing good and creating the right thing,
we'll attract the right person.
You with me, Jim?
I guess so.
But how long is that gonna take?
It doesn't matter 'cause
you're creating your own life.
And, before you know it, bam!
There she is.
Trust me, y'all.
This is going to work.
I guess you're right.
I mean, we've been so
concerned about what women want
that we forgot to try and figure out
what we want out of life.
And pursue that.
There you go.
When we make ourselves happy,
we'll have room to make someone else happy.
I'm gonna open up a pig farm.
Wait, what?
That's what I always wanted to do.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
My boy.
You really need to take it
one step at a time, okay?
Yeah, it's a little too
early to go all Porky on us.
Okay, okay.
Goodness gracious.
You know what, though?
This is good.
This is really good.
Yeah, it don't get no better than this.
Well, I guess I better get goin'.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I gotta go get me some
more chew before the movies.
You do that.
Oh snap!
Yo, I almost forgot.
I been talkin' to my mom lately.
She's been thinkin' of some little grants.
What kinda grants?
You know, like, government grants.
How to offer them and stuff.
I don't understand.
What kind of grants?
All kinds, man.
You mean the kind where
they're jumpin' and screamin'
and kickin' around?
No, not rants.
Well, that's what I said.
No, hell it ain't.
Nah, heck no.
That's what I said.
No, I didn't say rant.
I said grants.
Grants with a G!
- Yeah.
- Oh.
There you go.
Now he gets it.
Okay, so you with us, now?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, so.
There's a catch.
Oh, heck yeah.
Mm hm.
There isn't no catch.
Oh hell yeah, there is.
Me and Marcus, the
government ain't about to give us
minority people shit, okay?
I know.
Here we go.
Me and Marcus.
Let me tell you somethin'
about the government, okay?
Ooh, I wanna hear this.
Thank you.
See, the government-
- Ah, nah, no.
Listen to me, okay?
Jim, it's true, all right?
I've already done all the research, okay?
Listen, what I was thinkin' is.
You, you get a grant for
bein' a foreigner, okay?
That means you can get
money and open up a business
that you don't have to pay back.
And with that money?
You open up a convenient store.
And we'll help you run that joint.
All right?
All right.
So, with that money, we open
up a whole chain of stores.
And we'll help him run 'em all.
And, soon, we can sit back
'cause we'll all be millionaires.
Oh, snap!
Thank you.
Ain't no problems with me,
I got that M-O-N-E.
Money is what up!
You see?
Right there, right there.
That's why you the black
Microsoft king, okay?
Forget Bill Gates.
Damn, Bill Gates.
He don't got shit on Marcus.
That's right.
I can't believe we didn't
think of this sooner.
- It's a brilliant idea.
- Yes.
So, what do we have to do?
My moms already have the paper work.
We just gotta go there
tomorrow and start figurin' it out.
Oh, this is gonna be great!
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey, look, look.
Let me tell you the most important part.
Once we get all the money,
we'll have all the hunnies!
Hell yeah.
Them hoes love some money.
Darn straight.
Exactly, they'll be on
us like flies on a goat.
You know what I mean.
They'll be all over it.
Hey, man, how come you
don't own a whole darn fleet
of 7/11s already?
Oh, here we go.
No, no, no Marcus.
I'm just askin' the man a question.
I told you it's because I grew up poor.
Mm hm.
Grew up poor.
Man, you ain't foolin' nobody.
I tell you what?
I tell you what.
I better get some free
ass slurpies outta this.
Ooh yeah!
I love slurpies.
Especially the cherry ones.
Those are delicious.
Cherry's good.
Hey, now, now, now.
It's better when you mix.
You know, you get the
half cherry, half coke mix.
Oh yeah.
Cherry that's delicious.
That's D-E-L icious.
Well, that's how I spell it, too.
Do you know what?
Free slurpies for everyone.
And, you know what?
Just make sure you just wash your hands.
Just wash your hands.
That's it.
You know what, fellas?
The change is comin', my brothers.
The change is comin'.
Hey, bring it in.
My time, my time, my time
Who's at the door?
Wonder who this is.
Um, my friends and I are
out here tryin' to wash our car.
And we were hoping we
could borrow your hose.
Borrow the hose?
Hell yeah, you can borrow the hose.
It's around the back side.
We'll just go over here on the side, okay?
Let me get through.
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Don't let the night end
I can be your only
If you'll be my only, too
Maybe, I
See me
See you
Lookin' right through me
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Only have eyes for you
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, I
Maybe, I
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I'm in love
Maybe, oo ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, I
Maybe, I
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe, ooh, ooh
Maybe I
Maybe, ooh ooh
Maybe, I
Oh hell no.
Oh, it.
I quit, motherfuckers.
That's it, I quit!