Woody Woodpecker (2017) Movie Script

WOODY: Wood.
Peanut butter. Oh, yeah, peanut butter.
I love peanut butter.
- Huh?
Did you hear that?
Yeah, me, too. Better go check it out.
NATE: Yeah, no poaching.
NATE: Why you gotta eat them
damn things for anyway?
-You're gonna rot your teeth.
-WOODY: Mmm-hmm...
Poachers in my forest!
This ought to be fun. Game on.
Hello, boys. Guess who?
What in the hell kind of bird is that?
WOODY: I'm gonna give
you guys five seconds...
It sure is angry about something.
...to get you and your guns outta here.
-NATE: Well, it ain't no eagle...
-Do you hear me?
But somebody will surely pay
to have it stuffed.
Guns? Oh, no. What ever will I do?
Toro! Toro!
Come on! That the best you got?
Shoot him!
Over here now!
Nice shot.
Now let's try this with a moving target!
NATE: Reload! Come on! Reload!
WOODY: Yoo-hoo!
Looking for me? Whoa!
Too slow. Gotta go.
Over there! There he is.
Peekaboo! Over here!
NATE: Gotcha!
Okay, boys.
You got me fair and square. I give up.
-Nighty-night, boys.
Did you...
And I'm the one with a brain
the size of a walnut?
STAFF: Speech! Speech! Speech!
All right, all right, all right.
Now, raise your glasses,
and here's to our victory
and here's to our team.
Barb, come on in. Join the party.
Actually, Lance, we need to talk.
LANCE: Terminated?
I just won a case for this firm
worth millions, and I'm being terminated?
...another thing.
Since when do we need to be
so overly concerned
with the rights of wildlife?
Wildlife don't vote.
Wildlife don't pay taxes.
Big Oil creates big jobs.
When's the last time
you ever saw a bear create a job?
Barb, come on.
Fifteen years of
busting my butt for this firm.
Not to mention,
the biggest case you've ever won.
And you're gonna fire me?
They can't do that.
Actually, turns out they can.
We will sue.
Sue one of the toughest
law firms in the country?
Not a great idea.
Don't worry, baby. I got a plan.
Are you gonna smear them on social media?
I was thinking something
a little more mature.
My grandfather left me
an amazing piece of property
right up near the Canadian border.
We are going to create a country estate.
Look at me.
Look what I'm wearing.
I can't. I'm a city girl!
We're not gonna live in it.
We're gonna flip it.
Take a huge profit.
I'm gonna start my own firm.
Success is the best revenge.
NATE: Nope. Nope.
That's it! That's the one we saw!
"The pileated
red-crowned woodpecker.
"Thought to be extinct...
"Last one sold on the black market for..."
Get this. $500,000!
OTIS: Holy moly! I could
buy me that blue suede tux.
Or one of them monster trucks.
All I know is that bird
is out there in the woods someplace,
just waiting for us to bag it!
Home sweet home!
And no one around to bother me.
And this is gonna be great.
I gotta tell you,
this is the first time in a long time
I'm actually excited about something.
Lance, look who is here.
Linda! What a nice surprise.
May we come in?
Of course.
Hey, Tommy. How you doing, bud?
LINDA: My dad is in the hospital.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I always liked your dad
even though he hates my guts.
He doesn't hate your guts.
No, he told me.
He actually said, "I hate your guts."
It's a little hard to misinterpret that.
Look, I'm leaving on a flight
to Philadelphia at 10:00.
I need your help. I need you
to watch Tommy for a while.
-LANCE: Uh...
- No way. No.
If this were any other time,
I would be happy to help.
-But this is not any other time.
I'm sorry my dad didn't ask
if it was convenient for you
before he had a stroke.
LANCE: I'm starting construction
on a big project.
Can't you just take him with you?
No, I have a family crisis.
You hardly ever see your son!
It is time for you to step up to the plate
and do your part.
You know what? I'm sorry, Linda.
The timing is just really bad.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry, I would like to help you,
but I can't.
And that's final.
My hands were tied. You saw that.
Yeah, I know. But I'm not a kid person.
Even when I was a kid.
I need a Xanny.
I feel a migraine coming on.
LANCE: Hey, Tommy.
Tommy, take off your headphones, please.
Look, it's not that I don't
appreciate the drumming,
because it's awesome.
But can you maybe drop it down
a few decibels, please?
Fine. I won't play ever again.
Happy now, Lance?
What happened to "Dad"?
I know you don't want me here.
The only kid you want in your life
is your girlfriend.
You know what,
Vanessa is not a kid. She's much...
Much older-ish than you are.
Look, your mom's right.
We haven't had a chance
to spend much time together lately.
So we can just look at this trip
as an opportunity to bond.
Good talk.
LANCE: Well, we are here.
By "here," do you mean middle of nowhere?
Just wait till you see it.
Oh, come on. Would you just look at this?
Pristine, untouched.
I cannot wait to get a bulldozer in here
and start building.
Petty exciting, huh, bud?
I'm telling you, baby,
if a house on this site
does not quadruple our investment,
I don't know what will.
Come here, let me show you.
Uh, Lance, these shoes...
Baby, wait,
my shoes are not made for that!
Okay, so the front door
is gonna be somewhere about here.
And then...
Two-story vaulted ceiling,
stunning view of the river,
opens up to a state-of-the-art kitchen.
-TOMMY: Awesome!
-I know, right?
I'm getting five bars!
Five bars! Yeah, that is awesome.
LANCE: Let's go.
This place really needs to be fumigated.
Oh, campers!
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Mmm, there's granola bars, corn chips,
ice cream, snack cakes, corn nuts,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Grill's ready!
-Don't you dare post that.
-Too late.
Mmm, it is so coffee o'clock.
Will you make me
a double macchiato, please?
Sure, dear.
-Hi, there.
Hey, welcome.
You must be Ben Walters' grandson.
How'd you know that?
Because you look exactly like him.
Spitting image.
-You knew my grandfather?
-He came up every summer.
Taught me how to fish on this river.
No kidding.
Shoot. Where are my manners?
I'm Sam Barlett,
Park Ranger in charge of the state land
that surrounds your property.
Lance Walters.
This is my fiance, Vanessa.
That's my son, Tommy,
the mythical half boy, half smartphone.
Just swung by on my rounds.
We've had a problem
with bird poachers in the area.
So if you see anyone suspicious,
please let me know.
Will do.
I hear you're building a house up here.
Breaking ground tomorrow.
You wanna see it?
It's very blue.
5,000 square feet, every amenity.
And I'm decorating it.
Yeah, you are.
-5,000 square feet for three people?
Hope you won't be cramped.
Oh! No. Well, we're not
building it to live in.
I mean, live here?
Uh, get real.
It's an investment property.
We're gonna flip it.
SAM: I see.
Don't you think it'll, kind of,
overwhelm the landscape?
LANCE: I've got government
land on all sides.
Yeah. Not like there are
any neighbors to complain.
All I'm saying is if you were to build
something a bit more modest,
you'd preserve these old growth trees
and be a lot more green-minded.
Well, it's my land, so I'm pretty sure
I can build however I want.
But don't worry,
I'll leave plenty of trees for you to hug.
Well. Let me know if you see any poachers.
And good luck with this
Death Star you're building.
Nice meeting you.
Who does she think she is?
I like her. She's cool.
-Don't worry about it, baby.
Hey, Tommy, come help me
with this stupid grill.
Um, sounds like fun, Lance,
but I think I'm gonna go explore a little.
Like you say,
can't play video games all the time!
Chip off the old block.
Part boy, part lawyer.
How the heck does this thing work?
What the heck are you?
Now, it's your turn.
Come on, kid. Show me what you got.
O-ho! O-ho! Yeah!
Wow. You are really cool for a woodpecker.
Are those Peanut Butter Bonkers?
I'm a sucker for peanut butter!
Come on, brother. Share the wealth,
spread the love. Hook me up.
What are you trying to tell me?
Humans. You gotta
spell everything out for them.
You're hungry.
You want a Peanut Butter Bonker?
Does a woodpecker peck in the woods?
You like that, huh?
Even better than beetle larva!
Which if you haven't tried,
is quite good when in season.
-Have another?
-Don't gotta ask me twice.
-It's okay.
Hey, don't let the mushy music fool you.
We're not friends or anything.
I'm only doing this for the free food.
-I'm gonna call you Woody.
You like that name? Woody?
I'm gonna call you
Kid Who Just Ran Out Of Bonkers.
See you!
Well, I hope everyone is hungry.
I wanted our first night in the wilderness
to be a little less wild.
-Got any pizza?
-No, I don't have any pizza.
This is much better than pizza!
Nothing is better than pizza.
Well, I think it looks
absolutely delicious, Lance.
Thank you, baby.
Here's to me building,
and you designing something amazing.
Here, cheers.
Oh, come on, clink it.
-Hiya, campers!
Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
So, what's for dinner?
Mmm, good to see you again,
Kid Who Gives Me Food.
What is that thing?
It's okay. I met him in the forest.
He's friendly.
I named him Woody.
What are you doing? Don't feed it.
-We'll never get rid of it.
Stay away from him!
You don't know where it's been!
And I have no idea
where you've been, sweetheart.
He's practically tame.
Yeah. As long as you feed me.
Okay, who cut the cheese?
Whoever did it, did a great job!
Please, get rid of it!
Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!
You know, it's so funny
when they try to fly.
-You don't have wings, you dummy!
-Get outta here!
Mmm, beans.
Get rid of it! Do something!
Okay, okay, okay.
Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you...
-I think he's awesome!
-WOODY: Mmm-hmm.
- Whoa!
-Get outta here.
You know, I'm sensing
a little hostility here.
Hey, stop. He's not hurting anyone.
You got something in your hair.
Ow. Ow!
-Missed me! Whoa!
-Is it something I said?
Over here, you big featherless freak!
-Oh... Oh! Oh, baby!
WOODY: See you at breakfast.
LANCE: Oh, no.
VANESSA: You hit me!
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Look, it was an accident.
Aw, let me see, let me see, let me see.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? You okay?
Look, let's just eat our...
Can you not hear that?
That woman could sleep
through a hurricane.
Can you believe that stupid bird?
Get outta here! Come on, beat it!
Go find somewhere else to peck.
Go find somewhere else to sleep.
Around here, I'm at the top
of the pecking order.
I said beat it!
He makes the catch,
and the crowd goes wild!
Give me that back right now!
Big day, Mr. Walters.
Ready to break ground?
I sure am, George.
Remember, I want this house
on the market by fall.
So it needs to be done quickly.
Well, for enough money,
anything can be done quickly.
Even out here in the sticks.
Well, that is good to hear.
'Cause according to my schedule,
you're already 20 minutes behind.
-Your schedule?
-Oh, I am hands-on, George.
I'm gonna ride your crew.
Super! They'll love that.
And by the study fireplace,
I was thinking twin
zebra sheepskin chairs.
They'll be a nice contrast
to the Crested Butte cigar leather sofas.
And, of course,
the 30-light, elk antler chandelier
will tie it all together.
And I want it all done in eight weeks.
That's really not enough time.
Money is no object.
-Consider it done.
-Thank you!
Lance, honey,
I've decided on volcanic stone
for the kitchen counters. Mmm?
Baby, aren't those
the most expensive counters in the world?
Well, duh! The best usually is.
Let me see.
-Okay, honey.
-VANESSA: That's so exciting!
Hey, Tommy, you wanna watch
the excavation?
Hmm, let me think about it. No.
Okay, uh, I'll take that no as a no.
Can't a bird catch some Z's around here?
Huh? Hey, what's the big idea?
MAN: Watch it! Watch it!
Wait a minute.
They're not camping, they're moving in!
No, no, no. This is my forest!
Time for an eviction notice.
Hey! Yeah, you!
Get off my lawn.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"P." "P who?"
Somebody get that bird!
WOODY: Let's see who's next, shall we?
Eenie, meenie, minie, moe!
-WOODY: Bombs away!
The bird!
WOODY: How's that for an eviction notice?
No. No!
The good thing about a high-fiber diet,
it keeps you regular.
That'll buff right out!
-Oh, baby.
Don't you "baby" me!
Well, the bad news is
you're encroaching on the habitat
of a very territorial bird.
No kidding.
Well, don't worry about the window.
We'll just add that to the bill.
Would you keep it down out here?
-Well, see?
-That's much better.
Tommy, open the door!
You planning on buying it,
or just tuning it to death?
Uh... Sorry, I was just browsing.
Don't sweat it. Play away!
-I'm Jill.
-Uh, I'm Tommy.
-Are you visiting?
My dad's building this house by the river.
Oh, man. That mega mansion
everyone's talking about?
Yeah, that would be it.
So, you interested in it?
Uh, this is a really...
This is a really sweet guitar.
I helped restore it.
The guy who sold it to us
was a roadie for Springsteen.
Who knows,
Springsteen himself may have played it.
Or at least breathed near it.
You're not bad. Not bad at all.
Thanks. I've been taking lessons
for a couple years.
Uh, but I left my guitar at home, so...
I can make you a really sweet deal
on that guitar if you like.
My dad is the one with the coin.
I'm pretty much broke.
Maybe we can work something out.
My friend Lyle and I have a band.
He plays the drums, I play bass, but...
You need a guitarist.
The town's annual Firefly Festival
is at the end of the month.
We really wanna play there.
If you help us out,
I'll lend you that guitar for free
for the whole summer.
You interested?
Uh... Yeah, totally!
This is our road, and we didn't
give you permission to use it.
Um, actually, this is a public road
built with government funds
and it belongs to everyone.
So technically you are correct.
It is yours, but it's also mine.
Hey, you don't get off that easy.
Look, I don't know what I did
to offend you guys,
but whatever it is, I'll stop.
'Course you will.
You'll be too busy crying.
Seriously! Doesn't your school
have an anti-bullying policy?
Sure does. That's exactly
why we got kicked out.
Right, John? High five!
-Ooh! Look, a guitar!
-Hey, give that back!
What was that?
Whatever it was, it clawed me!
Now as for you two, where were we?
Get ready to go commando!
This bird's psycho!
Woody, that was awesome!
You went all MMA on 'em!
Nobody messes with my BFF!
And by that, I mean,
Bringer of Free Food. See you!
Oh, come on, George.
You gotta be kidding me.
And why am I paying for that?
It is not my bird.
Fine! Fine. Just...
Every day out here is costing me money.
Yeah, great. Thank you.
Hey, buddy, where you been?
Where'd that come from?
I'm starting a band with a girl I met.
Oh, and fun fact, I almost got
my butt kicked on the way home.
What are you talking about? By who?
A couple of Neanderthal kids.
It's okay, because Woody saved me.
-Who's Woody?
-The woodpecker.
Do not mention
that stupid bird.
Last I remember, that stupid bird
-wasn't the one covered in bird poop.
LANCE: You know what?
That's enough outta you.
You're in a time-out. Go to your room.
I don't have a room.
Then go into the RV.
Oh. And in case you were wondering,
nobody in town is happy
about us building a house up here.
-Can you believe that?
-I know!
What is wrong with these people?
Don't they understand
how great this is gonna be
for their property values?
No, Lance.
I'm talking about
how disrespectful your son is to me.
Yeah. That.
This isn't what I signed up for, okay?
Being stepmom
to a bratty kid who hates me!
-Baby, he doesn't hate you.
-He hates me.
If anything, he's just mad at me.
He's just acting out.
I know this is difficult,
but you just gotta be patient.
You'll see, we're gonna get
our old life back in no time.
I promise.
WOODY: Wakey wakey.
Here's Woody!
Ow. Ow. Ow.
That is it.
I'm finished with you!
Now maybe you didn't get the memo,
but man, not wildlife,
is top of the food chain!
So if I were you,
I would get outta here
before you land on my rotisserie!
Nice rant. Easy to dance to.
I give it a seven.
Yeah, you better fly outta here!
WOODY: Yeah, right!
Really? A pinecone?
How pathetic...
You sure this foundation's
deep enough, George?
I want this place to last
longer than these trees.
Twice as long, sir.
Trust me, been doing this a long time.
All right. Babe, isn't this great?
I'm not really a cement person.
Can I have the keys for the car?
I need to go into town
and find a place
to get my highlights touched up.
Sweetheart, why does that matter?
We're out here in the middle of nature.
Yeah, and I wanna look natural.
-Keys are in the RV.
Time to get these trespassers outta here.
We can do this the easy way,
or the Woody way.
I'm thinking the Woody way.
LANCE: Come on, Tommy.
You cannot sit in here all day
staring at a screen.
There's nothing to do here.
Nothing to do here?
They're getting ready
to pour the cement. That's cool.
You should go outside
and watch them do that.
Go outside and find something to do.
-Give that back!
VANESSA: Lance? Hurry! That thing is back!
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Jackie Chan taught me this one.
How about some of this?
How about some of that?
Bath time!
Hope you're getting hazard pay.
-No, don't! No!
-Karate chop!
I do all my own stunts.
Here comes the thunder!
Don't worry.
I didn't forget about you two.
You're my favorites.
Let's get to the SUV!
Mmm, I wonder how this thing works.
Only one way to find out.
Come on! You know
you want me to push it! Oops!
VANESSA: Lance! Lance...
You were right, Lance.
Watching them pour cement is fun.
Now that's how you do things
the Woody way.
LANCE: I'd like to file a complaint.
No. No.
Yep, that's it.
That's the flying demon right there.
The pileated red-crowned woodpecker?
The red-crowned woodpecker
has been extinct
for almost 100 years.
I'm telling you, that's the bird.
Uh-huh. Sure it is.
Any chance you're taking
any sort of medication?
Look, I don't care
what kind of bird it is.
I want it off my property for good.
Now how does that happen?
Well, the local Native Americans believed
it was the incarnation of Marconda,
God of Chaos and Mayhem,
mischievous trickster
who haunted the forest.
Super factoid. What did they do about it?
Moved away.
-Moved away?
-More like fled.
Didn't even pack,
left all their things behind.
Well, I'm not gonna flee.
Can we just kill it?
No, you can't just kill it.
The woodpecker is a protected species.
You'd be breaking the law.
A $10,000 fine.
Do you take credit cards?
And two years in jail.
All right.
Well, there's Plan A.
Do you have any ideas?
Learn to live with it.
There is plenty of room for both of you.
You've been tremendously unhelpful.
NATE: How hard can it be
to find a red-headed woodpecker
with hands?
Well, I feel like I know
the answer to this one.
Hey, give me a hint.
Oh... Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's it!
Nobody poops on my truck
and gets away with it!
One time.
That happened one time
and you never let me forget it.
Hey, I know that song. That's my ringtone!
Well, what do you know? Peanut Butter Boy!
That was awesome!
Heck yeah! We killed it!
-Hey, kid!
-Hey, Woody!
I was just flapping by and heard someone
laying down a fresh beat.
What kind of bird is that?
Some kind of woodpecker.
He lives up by my place.
Before I met you guys, he was
pretty much my only friend out here.
Friend? Hmm...
Nope, never had one of those before.
The festival's at the end of the month.
We still got a lot of practicing to do.
One, two. One, two, three, four.
Everybody's heard about the bird
Yeah, this here is my jam!
Bird is the word
Bird, bird, bird
Oh, yeah! That's right. I peck by ear.
Never had a lesson.
Whoa! That bird's got mad skills!
Don't you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that
The bird is the word
Bird, bird, bird
Bird, bird, bird
LANCE: Another bill!
Where did this come from?
Oh, jeez! Bees!
-To the river!
Hmm. "On"? Okay. I can do that.
Just like in the cartoons!
I'm back!
No, no, no!
Well, don't you know about the bird?
Well, everybody knows that
The bird is the word
Well, the bird, bird
B-bird's the word
Oh, yeah! That was awesome!
Woody, that was sick!
Oh, yeah! The bird is the word!
You know this song is about me, right?
Hmm. It's quiet. Too quiet.
I can fix that.
Anyone else smell gas?
And it's not me this time!
Nothing works around here.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
Oh, jeez.
Kids, don't try this at home.
I'm a professional cartoon character.
Ew! Definitely swipe left.
Oh, boy.
Baby, please,
can we talk about this a minute?
-You know what? You were right.
I should have
listened to you in the first place.
We'll go to a hotel.
I'm going to a hotel.
The Fairmont Olympic in Seattle.
Five stars. All the amenities.
Suite for one.
I will get rid of that woodpecker,
I promise you.
It's too late, Lance.
You're not the man I thought you were.
I fell in love with a cold,
heartless, courtroom killer.
Not a man who loses to a flying squirrel.
If you ever move back to Seattle,
we can do lunch.
I think I just did that guy a huge favor.
You're welcome!
About Vanessa.
I know you liked her.
Yeah, I did.
Sometimes things
don't work out the way you planned.
You'll find that out when you're older.
Not sure I wanna find out.
Nah, it's not all that bad.
It's just that in life, your dreams
and reality don't always line up.
So what you're trying to tell me is,
it basically stinks.
No, not all the time, but...
Sometimes life basically stinks.
Let's get some sleep.
Things always look better in the morning.
At least I hope they do.
LANCE: So I've got
a pretty serious bird problem.
And from what I understand,
you two gentlemen are the finest
pest control company in town.
You're the only pest control
company in town.
But I'm sure men of your...
...caliber, won't have
any trouble with this job?
It's just a little woodpecker.
-Mister, do you know how...
How can we help you, Mr. Walters?
Well, I need you to trap it
and release it far, far away from here.
I'd say kill it,
but apparently that's illegal.
Of course not.
We would never break the "law."
Nate, what about that time...
How much?
Our standard woodpecker
removal fee is 200...
500 bucks. Cash money.
-Otis, are you...
Gonna eat your cherry?
All yours.
Thanks. I'll, uh...
I'll save this for later.
Check, please.
So, I will see you gentlemen
in the morning, yes?
Uh, you got it.
We will hit the hay early.
Be there bright and early,
ready to removify that bird.
Just not before 10:00 a.m., all right?
That's been when my son
usually comes into town,
and I'd rather he not know
anything about this.
10:00 it is.
We will see you in the maana.
I thought we were seeing him tomorrow?
Holy crow!
We've been searching
for that woodpecker for a month
and now it just falls right in our laps.
Plus, we're gonna make
five hundo, cash money!
It's the pileated red-crowned woodpecker.
We can sell that bird
for 1,000 times more than that.
Can't you just smell the money?
Nah, it's just me.
TOMMY: Hey, what are we
gonna call our band?
JILL: How about Poison Ivy?
'Cause I think I just stepped in some.
LYLE: Hey, look! An eagle feather!
TOMMY: And there's another one!
JILL: That's a lot of feathers.
Let's follow the trail.
LYLE: Uh, I thought
we were going swimming.
JILL: Don't worry, we will.
I wonder where they came from.
Guys, the quarry's back that way.
JILL: Don't be such a wimp.
TOMMY: Hey, let's go check it out.
JILL: Looks totally abandoned.
LYLE: Uh, did you guys not see the sign?
Hey, wait for me!
LYLE: What is this place?
Can we go now?
Look at all this stuff.
JILL: Who would do something
like that to those animals?
LYLE: I told you guys
we shouldn't have come in here.
Let's go. Come on!
What was that?
What... What are you doing?
Look how sad he looks.
What are you doing here?
We're sorry, sir.
We didn't touch anything.
This is private property.
You are trespassing!
We could press charges.
TOMMY: We were just
on our way to the quarry, and we got lost.
JILL: Yeah!
See the towels? Swimming?
It wasn't my idea. They made me.
If any of you little runts
come back here again,
bad things are gonna happen.
Now, all of you,
get outta here!
-Go! Go! Go!
JILL: Come on, guys!
TOMMY: Let's go!
Not you, dummy.
JILL: Come on! Quick!
LYLE: Guys, come on!
Peck away all you want tonight, bird.
Tomorrow, the hammer drops.
NATE: Otis, take her up.
LANCE: So, what's the plan?
NATE: Oh, I'll tell you the plan.
We got this carbon fiber
and titanium reinforced cage.
We've got the thermal cameras
all over the perimeter.
And for just a little added insurance,
we've got these electrified net guns.
If for any reason he manages to escape
and make a run for it,
heat-seeking tranquilizer darts.
Oh, and for bait,
we've got two aces in the hole.
At first, a female decoy.
Second, we've added a jar
of extra-nutty peanut butter.
Because no right-minded woodpecker
can resist the combination of romance
and peanut butter.
It is a bad day to be a woodpecker.
Everybody thinks I'm crazy
Yessiree, that's me, that's me
That's what I'm cracked up to be
I chop a hole in every tree
Knock on wood
Knock on wood!
So I'm crazy
What, what, what can I do?
So are you
Do you smell that?
Is that what I think it is?
Peanut butter!
Peanut butter!
Peanut butter! Peanut butter!
Peanut butter!
Incoming bogey.
300 yards and closing fast.
What do we have here?
Well, hello there. Come here often?
I noticed you have a jar
of extra-nutty peanut butter.
I'm a big fan of the stuff myself.
Mind if I join you?
Is it just me,
or is there something kind of
wooden about this chick?
Come on.
How about we take this back
to my place and watch a movie?
Ever seen The Birds?
It's hilarious.
It feels like something
has come between us.
Heat seekers!
You didn't think I was gonna
get caught this easy, did you?
Peanut butter makes me crazy, not stupid.
-Come on, what else you got?
-NATE: Shoot him!
Yikes! Time to go!
Whoa, there he is!
Tag, you're it!
Nighty-night, boys.
Not again.
WOODY: Hey, beardo!
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Feeling lucky today, punk?
Well, do you?
Come to Papa.
Later, babe. Text me
when you make parole.
SAM: Here, I got it.
Why, Ranger Sam. How kind of you.
No worries.
I heard about your RV. Was it bad?
Let's just say I don't think
I'm gonna get my damage deposit back.
How's your fiance taking it?
You mean, my ex-fiance?
I'm pretty sure she's taking it
to a five-star hotel in Seattle.
-I'm sorry.
-Yeah, thanks.
Never thought a woodpecker
would break up my relationship.
But I guess out here these things happen.
Can I give you a piece of advice
about that woodpecker?
It is not a woodpecker.
It is a demon from hell.
Okay, then, can I give you a piece
of advice about that demon from hell?
Does it involve
untraceable forms of poison?
No. Just the opposite.
Instead of fighting with the woodpecker,
maybe try being nice to it.
-Be nice to it?
-You've tried everything else.
Besides, you catch a lot more flies
with honey than vinegar.
Think about it.
Hey, bird!
Just your friendly neighbor, Lance.
A little peace offering.
Is that a sock on a stick? Pathetic.
You win!
Hey, do you like cookies?
Everybody likes cookies.
There'll be plenty more
where those come from.
-Whole brand new box every day
as long as you let me
build my house in peace.
And then once I sell my house,
you'll be somebody else's nightmare.
Listen, buster,
if you think giving me a little food
is gonna make me forget...
Wow, these are killer. What was I saying?
Pretty good, huh? What do you say?
I'll think it over.
Well, I'll take that as a yes.
All right, you measure twice and cut once.
That's correct.
Here you go.
WOODY: Hey, what's up there, hardhead?
-Hey, look out! Hey!
Whoa, whoa! Everybody, relax! Relax.
I got this.
Ah, thank you very much.
Same time tomorrow.
Please, allow me.
That's lunch! Woo-hoo!
Okay, okay.
I know what you folks are thinking.
Woody is a big, fat sellout.
But the way I see it,
it's a mutually beneficial
business arrangement.
Anyway, I let them build
their dream house in peace.
As long as they paid me.
Well, Mr. Walters,
looks like you're gonna get your house.
Over schedule and over budget,
but we did it.
All righty.
-Here you go.
-Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome.
Hey, what about me?
Don't worry, I didn't forget about you.
I sure hope not.
Mmm, my favorite!
-You must give me the recipe.
Hey, Linda, what's up? How's your dad?
Uh, a little better. Thanks.
You guys deliver?
Listen, uh, I've got some good news.
I talked to my cousin
and she can take Tommy
while I'm at the hospital.
So you're off the hook.
Well, it's what you wanted, right?
You know what? No.
I think we're okay here.
Yeah, seriously.
Keep me posted on your dad, would you?
Take care of my boy.
Our boy.
See you later.
how are we ever gonna get that bird?
It's always with them.
Just a matter of time, Otis.
Keep your shirt on.
Wasn't planning on taking it off.
Last 10 seconds.
JILL AND TOMMY: You can do it!
TOMMY: Lyle, come on!
-Almost there!
-JILL: You can do it!
Come on! You can do it!
And we have a wiener!
Go, Lyle!
VENDOR: Here you go, sir,
here's your chocolate ice cream.
Well, look who's here.
Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber.
Hiya, fellas.
How about a little topping
for your ice cream?
...not fake. You don't know
what you're talking about.
Yuck! Even I think that's disgusting.
-Take care.
-Thank you. Bye.
Well, hello again.
Free trees, huh?
That might be
the first thing I've seen here
that isn't battered and deep fried.
How's your ongoing battle
with the woodpecker?
Well, I hate to admit it,
but you were right.
Took your advice,
made peace with it. It's...
It's actually been... Not awful.
But in another month or so,
I'll be finished.
I'll sell the house and adis.
So problem solved.
Problem solved.
So, I was about to listen to Tommy's band.
They're getting ready to play.
You wanna come?
Yeah, sounds like fun.
This is what happens
when you eat 29 hot dogs!
No guts, no glory.
Dude, are you sure you can't play?
Dude, I'm just trying not to blow chunks.
We'll be totally lame without a drummer.
Wouldn't it be lamer to have a drummer
puke all over himself on stage?
No, that's rock and roll!
Sorry, guys. I really wanna play,
but my stomach's got other plans.
-Well, here we go. We're up next.
But we don't have a drummer.
So we go on without a drummer.
Worst case scenario is
we make total fools of ourselves.
Come on.
Okay, let's do this.
Now let's give a nice warm,
Pine Grove welcome
to our next local act, 3Peat.
Hi, everyone. We're 3Peat.
Although, um,
at the moment, our third peat
is puking up hot dogs behind the barn,
so tonight we're just 2Peat.
Enjoy the show.
Uh-oh. Sounding a little light
on percussion.
Hmm, what would MacGyver do?
Perfect! I got this!
You hold me tight
Tell me I'm the only one
Wanna come over tonight
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that
I wanna hear
'Cause it's true
That's what I like
That's what I like about you
That's what I like
What I like about you
You really know how to dance
When you go up, down
Jump around
Think about true romance
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that
I wanna hear
'Cause that's true
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
-That's what I like about you
What I like about you
You keep me warm at night
Never wanna let you go
You know you make me feel
All right, yeah
Keep on whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that
I wanna hear
'Cause that's true
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
That's what I like about you
LANCE: Way to go, Tommy! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
They should call this Woodystock.
You guys were amazing!
I knew you could play, but I didn't know
you could play like that.
I'm so proud of you.
You are? Really?
Of course I am, really.
What do you think?
This place isn't so bad after all, is it?
Yeah, it doesn't totally bite.
It doesn't totally bite.
Hey! Shouldn't we be hanging backstage,
doing peanut butter shots with groupies?
We totally rocked it!
Oh, I'm sorry, have you met Woody?
Enchant, mademoiselle.
You really did find
a pileated red-crowned woodpecker.
And he's domesticated?
Yeah, that depends
on your definition of domesticated.
Uh, Woody here was our drummer.
No kidding.
Way to go, Woody.
Thanks. Always happy to help a...
Friend. Anyway, gotta go.
Time to forage.
I don't know about you, I am starving.
-Are you hungry?
I could kill a corndog.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all been waiting for.
What's going on?
You'll see.
Let there be light!
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad
if they stuck around.
That gives me an idea.
Well, what do you know?
I'm a regular Pablo Peck-asso.
Maybe... Maybe I've been alone too long.
Just because I'm one of a kind
doesn't mean I can't be
part of a family, too, right?
Oh! I almost forgot to sign my name.
What happened?
Oh, no! Ahhh!
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Anyone smell chicken cooking?
Yikes! It's me!
Oh, no.
Oh, what did I do?
LANCE: It's a total loss.
How does this even happen?
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.
FIREMAN: Well, I think we found
the cause of the fire.
Looks like something was
destroying the wall and hit the wiring.
It's probably a small animal.
Mouse or a rat or a bird or something.
Like a woodpecker?
That's possible.
Dad, Woody wouldn't have done this.
It couldn't have been him.
Do you see any other
psychotic animals around here?
-Dad, don't say that. Dad!
-It was that woodpecker.
-All this time...
-Come on.
...he's just been lulling me
into a false sense of security.
Waiting to strike.
He couldn't have.
It's Lance Walters. You remember me?
Of course we remember you, Mr. Walters.
How can we help you?
I'm sure we could
work you into our schedule.
Yeah, how about, um...
How about... How about right now?
I didn't mean to. Accidents happen.
I mean, who amongst us
hasn't burned down a house, right?
Oh, fine. I'll just go back
to the way it was before.
No humans.
Who needs them anyway, right? Right?
Don't you ever have anything to say?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I had a good thing going with those guys!
I gotta make it up to them.
Help them rebuild,
for free this time, too.
No food.
I could stand to lose an ounce or two.
He's all yours, boys.
My home.
Happy place.
Let me outta here!
I wasn't read my rights!
I'm out of order? You're out of order!
You can't handle the truth!
Yeah, stick a cork in it, you dumb bird.
Anyone out there know a good lawyer?
$500. Good job, and good riddance.
De nada.
Potato, French fries.
What are you doing? You can't take Woody!
-Tommy, that bird burnt our house down.
-But I...
LANCE: So long, woodpecker.
To think I was actually
starting to like you.
-But, Dad, they're gonna kill him!
-They're not gonna kill him.
They're gonna take him out
in the mountains and release him.
Yep, he'll be free as a, um...
Free as a...
A bird!
A little on the nose, Nate.
I was thinking more like a wild stallion.
Jill and Lyle and me found their barn.
It's filled with stuffed birds.
They're taxidermists.
They're gonna kill Woody
and stuff him, I know it.
You are gonna let him go, right?
Oh, uh...
I am as, uh...
Good as my word.
Yeah, I'm cool. Thanks.
So long, kid.
You were the first friend I ever had.
I'm sorry, Woody!
I will never forgive you.
Tommy, come on.
Someday you'll understand
why I had to do this.
I understand.
I understand that whenever
something bothers you,
you get rid of it.
Like me and Mom.
Come on. That is not fair,
and you know it.
I'm surprised you
didn't have us stuffed, too.
WOODY: Yeah, you're a real tough guy
when I'm all caged up.
Why don't you open up the cage
and we'll step outside and do this right?
Have it out man to bird...
All chirp and no bite.
Guys, guys!
JILL: Checkmate!
Woody's been taken. I need your help.
-No way!
You weren't trying to burn the house down.
Oh, no!
It's showtime.
Gentlemen and lady.
This here rare bird
is the Holy Grail of rare birds.
I give you the legendary
pileated red-crowned woodpecker!
-One hundred years,
it has been thought to be extinct.
Not only that, Nate,
but everyone thought it had died out.
And I'm the one
who's an endangered species?
Folks, the opportunity to add
this fine taxidermy specimen
to your collections
won't ever come around again.
The bidding will start at $100,000.
Do I have any takers?
Well, we can't go in there.
There's people there.
Let's see if there's a back way.
We should call the police.
They'll never believe us.
By the time they do, Woody will be dead.
NATE: $600,000... Thank you.
650, 650. Do I hear 675?
Tommy? You came for me!
That's my boy.
NATE: $750,000, $700,000...
Do I hear 800? 825, 825...
How do we get him out of there?
We gotta sneak in and steal him.
They'll catch us in a sec.
We have to call the police.
Or the National Guard.
No, that'll never work.
We gotta lure them out.
How about we pretend
we're wealthy eccentric bidders
who are willing to pay, like,
a million dollars for Woody?
-For a million dollars.
-TOMMY: Go, go, go!
Going somewhere?
LANCE: Hey, Sam, have you seen Tommy?
No, why?
I thought the woodpecker
burnt my house down on purpose
so I hired the Grimes brothers
to capture and get rid of it.
He's pretty upset with me.
-Any chance he might try and rescue it?
-Yeah, maybe.
I know where the Grimes place is. Come on.
$900,000, going twice...
Sold! Ha-ha!
To the guy in the funny-looking hat.
Thank you all so much for bidding.
Winner, you have
our electronic transfer information.
Funds are due in 10 minutes.
I hope you all are comfortable...
If you two so much as touch
a hair on my friends' heads,
I'll peck you new ones.
And I ain't talking about nostrils.
Squawk it up, bird.
It's the last noise you'll ever make.
Just so you know,
you're going to jail for this.
Well, just so you know,
not if they can't catch us.
And we're not sticking around
to get caught.
We just sold that little bird
for close to a million dollars. Stuffed.
Otis and me are officially
retiring to Ka-Ching City.
Ka-Ching City, that's in China.
Start loading the truck.
Excuse me, Mr. Poacher, sir,
is that poison gluten-free?
Aw, don't worry, bird.
This is just gonna be like
taking a nap, forever.
Don't do this!
Whatever you're getting for Woody,
my dad will pay double!
I thought you said your dad was broke?
Oh! You were bluffing. My bad.
Now what?
Otis, are you...
OTIS: Well, howdy, Mr. Walters.
What can I do you for?
You got a moose problem now or...
I was looking for Tommy.
He was pretty upset about
the whole woodpecker thing
and I thought he might have
come up here looking for it.
Well, you know how kids are about animals.
I'm sure he'll be fine in a couple days.
I'll, uh... I'll keep an eye out for him.
See you around.
You guys going somewhere?
Our, um, barn has
a termite problem.
We're just clearing out
while we fumigate the place.
Yeah, you do not wanna
breathe those chemicals.
I learnt that the hard way.
Wait a minute.
I want the woodpecker back.
-You do?
-You do?
Yeah, I do.
If that's what it takes
to make my son happy, it's worth it.
I'm real sorry, Mr. Walters, we...
We already let him go.
LANCE: You did?
Yeah, he's probably flapping his way
to Saskatchewan by now.
Come on, Lance. Let's go find Tommy.
Good luck finding your, you know, kid.
Otis, let's stuff that bird
and get the heck outta Dodge.
What are you doing?
For the past year, I've been finding these
wherever there's been poaching.
It has to be them.
And I'd bet anything
they still have Woody.
Get the gun, Otis.
It's time to wrap this up.
-Please don't!
-Stop! No!
Don't do this!
Hey, don't I get a last request?
Like, you let me go?
TOMMY: No, please, no, no, no!
LYLE: Please!
Hold it right there!
We're saved!
Oh, you two are so going down!
What the hell?
-You put my son in a cage?
Well, that was disappointing.
The sheriff's on his way.
We'll be well over the Canadian border
by the time he gets here.
Otis, get me my gun.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't let them kill Woody.
Tommy, this is not your fault.
If I'd listened to you in the first place,
we wouldn't be here.
Uh, real heartfelt moment,
but can we please save
the schmaltz for later?
In case you didn't notice,
I'm about to get stuffed!
-This time
no interruptions.
Guess we can kiss the sequel goodbye.
-That cage was built to hold a bear.
You can't escape.
Who said anything about me getting out?
Huh? Hmm.
Get ready for a beatdown!
Oh, crud!
I wonder who's gonna win.
The suspense is killing me!
Take this, and some of these!
Where do you think you're going?
Now that's what I call
taking out the trailer trash.
Nice job, Woody.
Hey, I got your back.
Heads up!
NATE: Otis! Otis!
Woody, don't let them get away!
-Woody, go get 'em!
-TOMMY: Stop him!
-I'm on it!
Stop in the name of the law!
-The truck!
-The ATV.
Come on! We'll take the logging trail
across the border. Go!
I got this.
Ah, cue the action chase music.
I'm coming to get you!
OTIS: I think we lost him!
Well, come on, let's go!
OTIS: Kick it! Come on!
WOODY: Going somewhere?
Oh, hello, eh! Welcome to Canada.
Do you have anything to declare?
Quick. Let's go back!
Get a grip!
He's just one little bird!
There's two of us.
Make your move, bird.
A knife?
I told you!
He's more chicken than woodpecker!
And for this week's lesson...
Going somewhere?
Heya, fellas. Remember me?
Save us!
Please! Lock us up!
-Lock us up!
-Save us!
I have been waiting for this day
for a very long time.
That bird is crazy.
Who you calling crazy?
Now it's your turn to live in a cage. Ha!
LANCE: So, what do you think?
TOMMY: It's pretty cool, Dad.
SAM: It's beautiful.
LANCE: If you think it's beautiful now,
wait till it's actually built.
Good thing my insurance
covered woodpecker damage.
Well, I think you're
gonna be very happy here.
And since it's a smaller footprint,
there'll be plenty of room
for the nine-hole golf course.
I'm surprised you didn't wanna
build a shopping mall.
What an amazing idea.
Oh, Dad, the surprise?
Oh, right. Saved the best for last.
Hey, Woody?
Oh, Woody?
Is it food o'clock?
Woody, I am very sorry
I destroyed your home.
But technically,
you destroyed mine first, so we're even.
But in the interest of harmonious living,
I got something for you.
I got a home again!
It's got built-in appliances
and granite countertops!
All right!
You guys are my family now.
I never even knew I needed one.
Aw, he's giving you love taps.
Ow. Ow. Too much love, Woody.
Woody, I got it!
TOMMY: Night, Dad.
Good night, Tommy.
Home sweet home!
Don't you just love happy endings?
My bad.
Gotta fly!
Boy, someone's in a hurry
for the credits. See you!
Guess who?
TOUR GUIDE: Niagara Falls is one of
the most scenic spots in all the world.
The grandeur of this famous attraction
brings visitors from far and near.
It is a favorite spot for honeymooners,
who stand and gaze at its wondrous beauty.
Niagara affects
different people in different ways.
Some people are overcome by a strong urge
to go over the falls in a barrel.
Of course this foolhardy stunt
is now absolutely prohibited.
And, I might add, nobody has gone over
since I've been on the job.
And I...
A barrel?
Hey, you, going over the falls
in a barrel is absolutely prohibited.
Hey! Come back with my barrel!
No, no! No!
ALL: Hooray!
Well, now I need a new barrel.
Good barrel.
Good solid barrel.
Bring back my barrel!
ALL: Hooray!
Come out of there, you crazy woodpecker!
I'll show you! Take that. Now keep out!
And stay out!
Oh, no!
ALL: Hooray!
Oh, shut up!
A barrel!
I know a barrel when I see one.
ALL: Hooray!
ALL: Hooray!
That woodpecker!
Before we go over now, men,
is there anyone here without a barrel?
ALL: Hooray!
Which way to Niagara Falls?
TOUR GUIDE: Now we'll see
who's going over the falls in a barrel.
ALL: Hooray!
So, going over the falls in a barrel, eh?
I'm giving you a ticket.