Worst Friends (2014) Movie Script

1, 2, 3...
[dog barking]
So I'll be Batman for Halloween.
You can be Alfred.
- Alfred?
- Yeah.
Why not Robin, his sidekick?
Batman doesn't need a sidekick.
He needs somebody to pick up
his dry cleaning.
- Wait.
- What?
- That's Rita.
- So what?
So what?
This is my chance.
Are you kidding me?
Those are
high school girls, Jake.
Listen, walk like
10 steps behind me.
When I reach her,
go hide behind Mrs. Gomez's bush
and wait for us to leave.
It's Miss Gomez.
She got a divorce.
Just hide behind
the Mexican lady's bush, Sam.
Why can't I just walk ahead
of you and go to school?
Because if Rita rides
the tard cart,
I don't want to walk the rest
of the way to school alone.
[no audible dialogue]
So, Mr. Sanderson,
is this right?
Mr. Sanderson,
I think this is right.
No, it's wrong.
You're never going
to get that one right.
No, no, no.
I meant even someone
old enough to take the SATs
would have trouble with that.
maybe not.
But you're 11,
for Christ's sakes.
It's not a big deal you're not
smart enough for this.
My mom thinks
I'm smart enough for it.
You know what?
Your mom's delusional.
Sam, I don't think you're
the right person for this job.
Just remember, Linda, I got
a perfect score on my SATs,
and I never went to college.
Great SAT score
doesn't mean a great future.
You owe me $60 for the hour.
My rental just got a flat.
No, I've never changed a tire
in my life.
I'm not gonna start now.
Just gonna jog it out.
I don't know that I want you
to meet my dad just yet or ever.
I'm literally seeing him
as I walk down the aisle,
meeting his new wife as she
takes off her goddamn veil.
It's a quick in and out.
What the fuck?
No, no. I'm not involving
you because I love you.
Listen, everything
you don't like about me,
that's my dad times a million.
- I really don't wanna fight...
- [bell ringing]
[tires screech]
- [crash]
- [horn honks]
Oh, fuck. Don't move.
Let me get your dad.
There you are.
We thought we lost you, man.
I was just watching the Yanks
in the other room.
They played her commercial
like six times.
Jersey Junkers!
We'll kill you
with lower prices.
Do you recognize the voice?
She does all the voices.
I sent you the YouTube, right?
How do you feel?
- Come again, Jake?
- What... happened?
Oh, well, uh, you got into
a fight with a car, kiddo.
- The car won.
- [laughter]
Kiddo, I want you to formally
meet my beautiful bride.
This is Cassandra.
You got married?
Of course.
We got the skinny on you,
and then, you know, we just
went on with the ceremony.
I am exhausted.
The deejay played every song
I asked him to.
Your father.
I got video of it.
Don't worry.
Don't you have tutoring today?
I think I got fired.
Why would they fire you?
You got a perfect score
on your SATs.
There's no better tutor
in this town.
I was tutoring a 10-year-old.
They can't take the SATs
that young.
Kids aren't smart enough then.
Well, that's just silly.
I know.
You win some, you lose some.
I'll just pick up some more
shifts at St. Vincent's.
I'll figure it out, Mom.
We'll be okay.
I don't know.
We'll figure it out.
Did you hear about Jacob?
- Who?
- Jacob. Jake.
What about him?
Jake, everything's
gonna be fine.
You got like a month of
physical therapy, and that's it.
No big deal. Plus you got
the run of the house,
and we just renovated
and everything.
[Jake] What the fuck
are you talking about?
We're gonna get out
of your hair, kiddo.
No big deal.
Hey, where are you going?
- It's our honeymoon, kiddo.
- Don't call me that.
Your honeymoon?
I can't be alone.
Well, you can't come with us,
Jake, that's nuts.
Whoa, whoa! Wait!
I don't wanna go with you.
I want you to stay.
Jake, you're gonna get in
a good five or six car accidents
in your life.
I only get one honeymoon
with this beautiful woman.
Be reasonable.
Now, look, we're gonna push our
flights back a couple of days,
and when we do leave, you're
gonna get the best in-house care
money can buy, okay?
Come on!
[woman on TV] ...is best
known for its birds.
They gather here each winter
in great numbers.
- [doorbell rings]
- I got it.
You call those specialists yet?
You're leaving tomorrow.
Yeah. I just got to confirm,
you know, a few things.
Hey, Jake, there's someone
named Sam here to see you.
- Sam?
- Yeah.
Like a squirrely little
Jewish kid?
I don't know. He could
be Italian or something.
Hey, buddy!
What's going on?
- How are you, Mr. Kitner?
- Fine, fine, fine.
So, what you got going on
these days?
Nothing much.
Heard Jake got into an accident.
Yeah, yeah,
on the way to my wedding.
Selfish son of a bitch.
It's always got to be
about him, right?
All finished?
Hey, Cassandra, do me a favor.
Grab that desk lamp,
plug it in over there.
Sure thing, kiddo.
So, anyway, you working?
You got anything...
Making any money?
Actually, times are
kinda tough right now.
I just lost a client.
Oh, yeah?
What do you do for a living?
I'm a tutor, uh,
for the SATs.
So, you know, just, uh...
- Is Jake here?
- Hmm?
- Jake?
- Yeah, no, totally.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, run up and see him.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Uh, catch me on your way back.
Would you like
something to drink?
Maybe a glass of water.
Who's there?
It's Sam, man.
I heard about the accident.
- Who?
- Sam.
Sam Sanderson
from back when we were kids.
Who's talking?
Sam Sanderson.
Geez, man.
It's been a long time.
Yeah, yeah.
I hear you're doing really well.
Well, I've been better,
You know, I was considering
calling you.
Just been a lot of shit
between us.
It's been a really long,
long time.
I can't say that enough.
Long time from what?
I can't see you.
My vision's going in and out.
Are you okay?
Should I get your dad?
My dad? My dad's been
dead for many years.
They took him away
a long time ago.
Who did?
The Spaniards.
Buddy, buddy, there's a miracle
on 34th Street.
You've gotta help me find it.
I'm Sam! Sam! I'm Sam!
It's me, Jakey!
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
I don't...
I don't remember anything.
They told me
I got into an accident,
but I don't remember you!
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get your name.
It's Cassandra.
Thanks, Cassandra.
No problem.
Cassandra was born
in Tenafly, New Jersey.
She graduated
from Montclair State
with a degree
in fashion history.
Her favorite color is turquoise,
and she likes swimming
for exercise.
Hi, Cassandra.
Who are you?
Fucking piece of shit!
Who's a piece of shit?
Who's talking?
Who are you?!
Is Jake suffering
from memory loss?
Not that I know of.
Didn't think so.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Where you going?
- Home.
What happened?
- Your son's an asshole.
- I know, but what happened?
- I'm going home.
- Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait.
Listen, Cassie and I,
we just got married.
- We're going on our honeymoon.
- Congratulations.
No, wait. Do you know how
expensive in-home care is?
'Cause I didn't.
I was throwing the term around
like it was nothing,
and then I looked it up.
Well, let him pay for it.
He's got all the money.
He's not doing as well
as he likes to sing about.
It costs a lot of money
to put a piece of metal
in somebody's shoulder.
Now, listen, we are gonna get
onto that plane to St. Barts.
I mean, come on!
I don't deserve this!
So how about it?
He's gonna be in a wheelchair
for like another week,
and then after that,
it's gonna be a lot easier.
So do your oldest friend
a big favor.
Stay with Jake while we're gone.
Absolutely not.
I'll pay you $750.
How long do I
have to be here for?
A month.
500 now,
500 when we get back.
Now, we're leaving
in the morning.
I mean, you gotta stay here.
You understand that, right?
I can't have you
going home at night
just in case
something happens.
Are you sure you're okay
with me staying here?
I'm not a nurse.
You work with kids.
Not the same thing.
It's fine.
Listen, I wouldn't do this
unless I trust
that everything will be okay.
I mean, it's not like
I'm a shitty father, right?
You gotta kidding me.
[door closes]
- What's going on, dummy?
- Who are you?
- Drop it. I talked to your dad.
- Who?
Eat shit, Jake.
I'm gonna go downstairs,
make a sandwich.
You want something?
All right.
Is there a note or something
down there?
Why would there be?
For the nurse.
My dad said he was gonna
get me a live-in nurse.
Fuck you, Jake!
If you call me that
while I'm here,
I'm gonna walk out,
and you're gonna shit yourself
and starve to death
in that bed.
Did I stutter?
Don't call me that, Jake.
- It's turkey.
- Are you kidding?
Your dad left food money,
but that's the best I can do
with what's in the fridge.
Is this a joke?
It's the best I can do,
They're on an airplane, Jake.
You want anything to drink?
Don't try to move,
or I'll hobble you.
I have to go to the bathroom!
Watch the door, asshole.
This door isn't wide enough.
Why would my dad's
second-floor bathroom
be wheelchair accessible?
The default for any bathroom
should be that it be
wheelchair accessible.
Right! Why don't you go ahead
and pioneer that one, nurse?
Second-floor wheelchair
accessible bathrooms.
Great idea.
All right, whatever.
Look, Sam, come on!
I'm messing with you.
Come back.
I'm shitting my pants!
- Easy.
- Yeah.
[pats back]
Can't shit through
my pants, buddy.
Move it on back.
Oh, come on.
Nothing you haven't seen before.
- [doorbell rings]
- Who is it?
I don't know yet.
I haven't opened the door.
Who is it?
Hey, I got a delivery here
for Jacob Kitner.
Yeah, I can sign for it.
- He's not Jacob Kitner!
- I'm not.
Are you a resident
of this house?
- He is not a resident!
- I'm not.
Is there someone who can
sign for this who is?
It ain't him!
He's Jacob Kitner.
He can sign for it.
[door closes]
I'm Jacob Kitner.
Sign here.
This guy, he kidnapped me.
He broke my arm and leg.
You gotta help me.
Did he also cast
and set your injuries?
He's a doctor.
You gotta help me.
Nothing changes, Jake.
Who the hell are you?
Daniel O'Connor.
We took trig together.
See you later, asshole.
I never took trig!
Hey, sorry, dude.
I didn't recognize you.
That's cool, man.
The hat and shorts and shit
really throw people off.
Yeah, no doubt.
What are you doing here?
His dad paid me
to take care of him.
- How much?
- A grand.
That's not enough.
That kid's an asshole.
Yeah, he messes around.
You don't get into an accident
like that for no reason.
He's bad energy.
Where's the package?
Just a second.
By the way, he told me
that you kidnapped him.
I'm gonna come around back.
All right.
I don't remember that kid
at all.
Somebody loves this guy.
Yeah, then why am I here?
Stop talking and kiss already!
All right, Sam,
see you around.
I'll see you around.
- Help me downstairs.
- I don't think so.
Well, it's either that
or bring the shit up here.
I could just as easily
do neither.
I'm gonna throw myself down
the stairs and break my neck.
Everyone will think you did it,
and you'll go to prison.
What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?
It's from your cousin Marie.
You used to have a thing for
Marie, didn't you?
I don't remember.
Yeah, you totally
had a thing for Marie.
Stop it.
Oh, cool! West Wing.
- Never heard of it.
- It's a pretty good show.
Yeah, I bet. You want it?
I'll sell it to you.
- No.
- Wholesale, at cost.
You can't say at cost.
It cost you nothing.
I'm not gonna give this to you for free.
That's ridiculous.
Going, going, gone.
Who would send me this shit?
This is from your office.
I know who sent it to me.
I don't understand who'd send it
to me in the figurative way.
Well, looking at this stuff,
whoever sent this to you
doesn't know anything about you.
really any of this stuff,
all of it
seems to be indicative
of someone who doesn't
know you at all.
They probably don't know you
because you don't know them.
That's not true.
This is from Kate,
from your office.
What's Kate's last name?
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
Been here for a few hours now,
not to mention last night.
You'd rather jerk me around
than ask me how I've been
or what I've been up to.
Are you kidding me?
It's not like you asked me.
All right, fine.
We're in the same position then.
What have you been up to, Sam?
- Shut up.
- No, tell me.
I really, really,
really want to know.
Shut up.
I'm taking you upstairs.
Come on!
No, no, wait, wait.
Seriously. You know
what the difference is
between you asking me what I've
been up to since I left Jersey,
and me asking you?
There are any number of things
that I could've been doing
because I left
my parents' house.
I have something
interesting to say
because I have
something to say.
I know what the answer would be
if I asked you, you know?
You've been doing
what you've been doing
for the last 10 years.
You gotta see
what I'm talking about.
Is that the shirt
Zoe Mayer threw up on?
Yeah, of course.
When was the last time
you washed that?
You wear that like every night,
wrap it around your face and
sniff it before you go to sleep?
All right, show's over.
I'm taking the shirt off.
[trumpeting ring tone ]
[ring tone continues]
Hey, are you Sam?
Yeah, I am.
Who are you?
I'm Lily.
I'm Jake's physical therapist.
- Physical therapist?
- Yeah.
At some point, he's gonna
have to walk again.
No, it's not that.
I'm just surprised
his dad sprang for it.
Well, it was a choice
of someone to bathe him
or his ability
to walk straight.
I think they made
the smart decision.
I don't know.
Uh, can you tell me
where Jake is?
Yeah, he's in the other room.
Who the hell is this?
Lily. She's your
physical therapist.
My dad sprung for
a physical therapist?
Well, it was a choice between
either having to bathe you or...
Okay, thank you, Sam.
Thank you.
So can you stand
on your own yet?
I haven't tried.
Okay, try.
Can I at least get a cup of
coffee or something first?
Uh, nope.
- Get a little help there?
- Mm-hmm.
You live around here?
Can you lift up
your left arm, please?
Your injured arm.
- Oh, my left arm.
- Yeah.
- That was the confusion.
- Yeah.
You got a boyfriend?
No patience either.
And those two things
go hand-in-hand.
This kitten's got claws.
You're gonna walk like a peg leg
for the rest of your life
if you don't let me help you.
In order for me to help you,
you need to not talk
while I'm giving you
directions, okay?
Okay, so try lifting
your arm again.
This time keep the tension
in the shoulder.
Good. See?
The world's a lot quieter
when you listen.
- Sam.
- You need me to walk you out?
No. Okay, here's the deal.
I need you to get up
every morning at 9 a.m.
I need him up early,
moving his arms and legs.
If he doesn't do this,
he could get major blood clots,
and he could die, okay?
I need you to shower him
once a day.
I need you to change
his dressings twice a day.
And keep him off heavy dairy,
and keep him eating protein.
- All right?
- Okay.
Okay, I'll be back
once a week.
Do you need me to walk you out?
- She's awesome.
- She's tough is what she is.
I don't need that
in my life right now.
Yeah, the last thing you need
is someone pushing you
into some sort of recovery.
She's got a whole regimen
I gotta do with you.
Sounds awful.
Yeah, for me more than you.
Why are you doing this anyway?
My dad gonna give you
his Buick or something?
I'm your friend.
You know who I saw
taking out the garbage
across the street last night?
Are you sure
you weren't hallucinating?
You sure?
Because your room smells like
the University of Vermont.
Could've been a pot high.
I wasn't.
It was her.
Well, we all know who reigned
victorious in that case.
Who potted that plant?
Okay, Jake.
Who mined that field, baby?
You win.
You're the man.
And who's shirt
did she throw up on?
Yeah, that was funny
10 years ago. Thanks.
- Hey, Sam!
- What?
[Jake] I need you to look
through the basement
and get some of my old stuff.
I can't keep wearing
the same two shirts every day.
I don't think you're gonna want
any of this shit down here.
Don't make that decision for me.
Take a little longer.
Are you masturbating?
Did you hang yourself?
You hung yourself while
masturbating, didn't you?
Oh, you are not gonna believe
what I just found.
Does your guy have glasses?
I'll answer gender-neutrally
that my person
does not wear glasses.
- Stop trying to cheat.
- It's not cheating.
It's strategy.
Does your person
have brown hair?
No. Does your girl
have brown hair?
My person does not have
brown hair.
This used to be a lot more fun
when I could cheat your ass out
in two moves.
I know.
It must suck.
Yeah. When's my dad coming back?
Three weeks.
I asked Lily if I could
be out of here before then.
She said maybe.
Does your person have
wrinkles on their face? Why?
No. She wants me to get
up and walk around first.
Does your guy have brown eyes?
Damn it!
Why do you want to leave
before your dad comes back?
I barely wanted to be here
for the wedding.
I'm all set
with seeing my father.
Is your person
Wendell McAdams?
I win.
[phone ring tone ]
Yeah, hey, Mom.
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's okay.
I feel like I'm back
in fucking high school again.
Yeah, Mom, he's moving around
a lot better than before.
He was supposed to out of
the wheelchair this week.
I guess he's just not ready.
No, Mom, you can't afford
to give me money, okay?
The plan is to make
the food money last,
and then I'm gonna give you
whatever's left over.
Yeah, Mom, it's just
a lot of bullshit,
like he can't t even make it
through physical therapy
without saying something
disgusting to his therapist.
You know how easily we can
turn this into a sex swing?
Nah, it's not that bad.
It's a lot of sitting around.
I mean, the guy's on Vicodin
almost all the time.
Whoa! Shit my pants!
Shit my pants,
shit my pants.
No, I can't leave him alone.
He might break his neck
or something.
- [doorbell rings]
- Mom, Mom, I gotta go.
That was the doorbell.
Jake might have woken up, too.
All right, bye.
Oh, shit.
Do I have the wrong house?
I don't know.
Who are you looking for?
Jake Kitner.
Yeah, he's upstairs.
Might still be sleeping,
It's 10 a.m.
Yeah, you think with
all those broken bones,
he'd get his ass up.
Um, can you wake him up for me?
I'm his girlfriend.
Who'd have thunk it?
He hasn't mentioned you once.
- What?
- Julie's here.
- Give us some privacy.
- No.
I'm gonna sit in the corner and
keep record of everything said.
No, seriously, go outside
and take a walk or something.
I can hear almost everything
in this house.
No, you can't.
I can hear you cry yourself
to sleep every night.
You can go upstairs.
He's awake.
- He's not coming down?
- Nope.
Why don't you go upstairs and
give him a hard time about it?
Who's there?
Jake, baby, it's me.
Jesus, you're a mess.
[music on car stereo ]
What's going on?
Hey, what's up?
I'm Jeremy.
Hey, Jeremy.
Want a hit?
Uh, no, no.
You, uh, you friends with Julie?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah, she's up there
talking to Jake.
That a Cathode Corner
Nixie watch?
You know about these?
- I know everything about those.
- Oh, my God.
- Sam, right?
- Yeah.
- Jeremy.
- Yeah.
What took you so long
to get here?
I've been a little busy.
I almost died.
And you didn't.
That's the most important thing.
And I shouldn't look bad
because it's not like you
weren't gonna get better.
This just couldn't have
come at a worse time.
For who?
For me, for us.
When would have been a better
time for this to happen for you?
Jake's been here for almost
a whole week though,
and she was supposed to come
on like day two or something.
She's been busy.
I mean, I've been busy.
I know, but she should
really be there for him.
She's here now.
I mean, she's a good friend.
No, no doubt.
I mean, I wouldn't
drag you to Jersey.
But I guess otherwise
she's pretty cool.
Jake's just always had
garbage taste in women.
No, "taste" is
the wrong way to say it.
It implies some sort of
discerning view.
He'll go for anything
with a vague interest.
I guess shitty women just flock to him.
I don't know.
Yeah, that's the right way
to put it.
Okay, I'm just gonna need you to
be a little more understanding.
I'm just gonna need you to
meet me halfway here, Jake.
I'm sorry.
- Really?
- I've been alone all week.
There's nothing familiar
around me.
I just feel kicked around,
you know?
- But this is my fault.
- What?
You were on the phone with me,
and you crashed.
It's your subconscious saying
that we shouldn't be together.
Julie, I want to be with you now
more than ever.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Second door on your left.
- [coughing]
- [laughing]
Oh, shit. Get out of the car,
get out of the car.
[engine starts]
Hey, baby, how you doing?
Bye, Jeremy!
Bye, Julie!
Hey, do me a favor
and check on Julie.
She went to the bathroom.
She left.
She did?
Yeah, with her new boyfriend.
I didn't know
it was her new guy,
not until they left.
I think I wanna go outside,
go for a walk or something.
For a walk?
What goes around, rolls around.
That was... That was
really something, Marky.
- What's up, Sam?
- Nothing much.
You gonna take out the garbage?
[mock laughter]
Hey, Marky, you're gonna die
cleaning a booth.
You know who's gonna be there
to find the body?
No one.
You're gonna die alone.
Real funny, Jake.
Heed my warnings, Marky.
Heed them.
I'm gonna get a milkshake.
Lily said stay away
from heavy dairy.
One milkshake's
not gonna kill me.
Jacob Shitner.
Sara Michaels.
I could punch you in the face
right now,
and no one would say
I was out of line.
How's that?
Hey, Sam. How are you?
Been better, been worse.
Why could you punch him?
Uh, let's see.
I was gonna go to L.A.
take a vacation,
see some friends,
maybe see
our friend Jake here.
He said,
"Come on by, stay with me.
We'll have a different dinner
every night of the week."
Which was very nice of me
to offer, by the way.
Yes, and exceedingly nice of me
to take him up on it.
What happened?
Well, I clear my schedule,
tell all my friends my dates,
and then I get to LAX,
and his phone goes
to voicemail all week.
I apologized.
Yes, he did.
He apologized up and down,
and he finally invited me
to a very nice lunch date
two hours before
I was going to leave L.A.
The apology still counts.
In some cultures, maybe.
Did you have a good time,
Yes, of course.
See, if I've learned one thing
from being in close proximity
to Jake in high school,
it's to have a backup plan
because that is usually
more reliable.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Well, I'll let you two
peruse the menu.
I'd like a milkshake.
- She's sharp.
- She got fat.
- What?
- She got fat.
Maybe she's just bloated
or something.
You're nuts.
I'm just telling you
how I see it.
You know that thing
about anorexic girls
where they can't tell
just how skinny they are?
Yeah, let me guess.
I have that problem with women.
No. You're the asshole
that causes that shit to happen.
I'm definitely not the first
person to think that way.
Sara's nice and smart,
so please tell me.
Why did you treat her
like crap?
I didn't treat her
like crap, okay?
And besides, who comes up
to a table like that
and just tells a nasty story?
Who does that?
Sounded like
she was pretty upset.
What does she have
to upset about?
She said she had a good time.
You could say you're sorry.
I think I just saw Zoe.
She was taking out the garbage.
Yeah, right.
I swear.
You're wrong.
I saw what I saw.
Hey, Sling Blade.
Come here.
Does Zoe Mayer work here?
She works in the kitchen.
Are you serious?
She's great.
Most chicks, they don't like
taking out garbage
and cleaning dishes and shit.
You know how many used tampons
we find on old plates of food?
Why does she work here?
She lost her job
and her dad died.
Whole bunch of shit.
She moved home
a few weeks ago.
Tough shit, this economy.
Wonderful platitude, Marky.
Hey, you should go
talk to her, dummy.
March in there,
rip her bloody apron off,
and burn her ass
on the deep fryer.
Why do you live in New Jersey?
Why can't you raise
your arm any higher?
No, seriously, I think you'd
make more money elsewhere.
My partner lives here.
Yeah, but you shouldn't be
unhappy for someone else.
I live in L.A. and...
Jake, you live in a dream world.
Come on. Arm higher.
- I can't.
- Try harder.
I know you can try harder
than this.
I'm gonna break my own shoulder,
let it set for two days
and show you that you can
raise your arm higher than this.
That'd be silly.
Come on.
Good. Good!
- You want some water?
- Yeah.
- You know, you're very lucky.
- How's that?
Do you know how hard it is to
get someone to help you move?
You got someone here with you
for a over month,
taking care of you.
That's friendship.
I guess.
Tell me what it is then.
I don't know.
Well, despite your best efforts,
that kid's your friend.
Thank you very much. Thank
you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome once again
to "Beat the Clock."
What are we doing tonight?
I don't know.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and maybe finish this book.
Or maybe blow my brains out
after you fall asleep.
Why didn't you ever
go on Jeopardy!?
Why would I go on Jeopardy!?
You aced the SATs.
The SATs aren't like
Trivial Pursuit.
Did you take the SATs?
Yeah, and I finished college,
which puts me one up on you.
It doesn't just have to be
Jeopardy! It could be any show.
Any question show.
Who's Smarter
Than A Fifth Grader?
I bet you're at least that.
We can make a lot of money,
Sam, seriously.
I'll represent you.
I'll be your agent.
And you know what?
If you act retarded
in real life,
it'll be even more surprising
when you win.
We'll make even more money.
Whole roadshow.
You see what you're doing
right now?
- What am I doing?
- You're trying...
or at least
I think you're trying...
to help me out,
but you just end up being
an asshole and belittling me.
I am not.
That's exactly
what you're doing,
and you do it all the time.
I don't know that that's true.
I think you're happier
with people in your life
being bullet points.
You know line items about me,
but nothing more.
And none of it applies
to the last six or seven years
of my life.
Not true at all.
Am I virgin?
- Totally.
- I'm not.
- You carry yourself like one.
- Well, I'm not.
So you had sex
with a prostitute.
I dated a girl
for three years, Jake.
So you dated a prostitute
for three years.
She wasn't a prostitute.
- Stripper?
- No.
- Sexually abused?
- No.
- Down on her luck?
- She was a normal girl.
She was in our class.
Lisa Martinez.
Oh! Bullshit.
Three years,
you piece of shit.
Yeah? What happened?
She wasn't very nice to me.
I don't know what
to say to you right now.
She wasn't nice to you?
She was manipulative
and a liar
and played games
and was just really uncaring.
That sucks.
That's where you gotta
hit her back, man.
Establish some fuckin' power.
Or just be in a relationship
where those games don't happen.
Doesn't exist.
Gotta understand that, you know?
Can't let one bad egg
ruin the pantry.
You gotta get your heart broken again.
Get out there.
What are you looking at,
Jimmy Stewart?
Nothing. I think I see
Zoe walking her dog.
- Sam?
- Zoe.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.
I didn't know you lived
in Jersey.
Never left.
I mean, I did for a second.
About 20 minutes out of town.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I don't have a license,
so it's tough.
Um, are you
taking care of Jake?
His dad asked me to.
It should take a lot more
than his dad asking you to.
[dog barking]
Hey, Harold.
What's shaking?
- You remember his name?
- Of course.
You want some company?
You see anybody
from high school?
Once in a while,
around town.
The ones who live
in the city, sure,
but not that much.
High school wasn't
the best time for me.
Yeah, anybody could have
told you that.
Jake's a pretty shitty guy.
Especially to you.
I guess.
Anyway, I grew up
across the street from him.
You know what he did
on my tenth birthday?
He gave me a card.
It said, "Happy Birthday.
I hate you."
Ohh! That sucks!
I know! It sucks huge.
I was ten. I didn't know
what a sociopath he was.
I thought
he actually hated me.
I remember that knocked me out.
Ten years old.
Yeah, that's pretty bad.
I'm sorry he did that to you.
It was a long time ago.
Feels pretty small now.
How'd it go?
You fingerblast her brains out?
No. It was fine.
We just caught up.
I catch up with my cousins.
- Are you gonna see her again?
- I don't know.
Did you ask her?
I didn't.
I live here, Jake.
I got all the time
in the world.
You know what?
I like her just as much I did
when we were in high school.
It was easy talking to her.
And in a week and a half,
you're gonna be on a plane
back to L.A.,
and I can do
whatever I want, right?
You're not gonna do anything.
That's not true.
This is a perfect time.
She's vulnerable, she's hurt.
Am I right?
She's in a bad way, sure.
So manipulate that shit.
If it's because I've already
plowed that pasture,
I give you my permission.
My loose, flaccid permission.
Thank you.
Hey, Jake, what's up?
I'm hungry.
And I smell like shit.
What are you doing?
Zoe was walking Harold.
I was up...
Waiting for Zoe to walk Harold.
Yeah, I know.
What the hell, Jake?
She's gonna find out
you're a creep at some point.
For once, please try
to keep things to a low boil.
What the fuck
does that even mean?
I'll feed you in 20 minutes.
I promise.
[phone ringing]
Jake! Boyo!
Hey, Dad.
Boyo, how do you feel?
I'm getting better, I think.
Can I get a little refill
on this one, please?
How's the honeymoon?
Fantastic. Couldn't have
come at a better time.
- That's great.
- Listen, is Sam around?
- He's in the shower.
- Oh, uh...
Can you let him know...
Listen, I fudged the dates.
Yeah, we were gonna be back
two days later than I told him.
- Sure.
- Now, uh...
if you could just offer him
an extra 50 bucks
on top of the 500 I owe him
for the extra days.
No, wait.
No, no, listen.
Don't offer him anything
unless he looks really upset.
Even if he is,
let's start at 50,
but don't go higher than 75.
No, don't go higher than 100.
- Yeah.
- Okay! That's my boy!
Now, listen,
you have a good time.
Don't have too much fun
and no part...
You got any money?
I wanna get a paintball gun.
Any money? No.
You don't have any extra money
lying around?
Just the food money that your dad left.
A paintball gun?
Yeah. I think it'd be fun
to just wheel around
and shoot one off, you know?
No. I mean, uh, if I had
the money, yeah, sure.
But I don't, so sorry,
no paintball gun.
Spilt my cereal!
Are you serious?
- Oh!
- Come on!
You're crippled, not stupid.
We're gonna need
more paper towels, too.
Jake, what's up?
Jesus, I didn't realize
you were hurt that bad.
Yeah. The car flipped over,
threw me a good 30 yards.
Yeah, it was pretty bad.
The doctors
didn't even know if I'd...
Not important.
Are you gonna walk again?
Think so.
I hope so.
Uh, well, it'll knock
some sense into you.
You would know.
- What?
- No, no, no.
I didn't mean to be cruel.
I just meant with everything
that happened with your dad
and your job.
It was bad.
Worse, even.
I'm really sorry, Zoe.
Your dad was a great guy.
It's okay.
I'm gonna go inside.
It was great seeing you.
You just...
You forget, you know?
Zoe, can you do me a favor?
Uh, sure.
You know how Sam used to have
a thing for you in high school?
Um, yeah, I guess.
Well, I've been using
the accident
as this opportunity
to make things right with him,
and I just know he'd think it
was weird if he knew we talked.
Uh, okay.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Okay, yeah, I understand.
To Catch a Predator is on.
Wasn't your dad on that show?
Hey, it's 10:00.
You know where your kids are?
In bed with Sam's dad.
Wait, what time is it?
Hey, it's 10:00.
Do you know where your kids are?
Gotta go!
Sam, we need
more toilet paper!
And Drano!
Are you waiting for me?
I don't know.
All right, come on,
let's go.
What are we doing?
We're going for a walk.
You're too pale.
Where's your dad?
He went on his honeymoon
with his new wife.
Oh, he's got
his priorities in order.
Well, I'm not used to my dad
not being an asshole.
Hey, Zoe?
When I apologized yesterday,
I was apologizing
for everything.
What do you mean?
I mean, I know it's a cop-out
to make a blanket apology,
but that's what this is.
I'm sorry.
It's cool. You prevented
me from ever dating
anybody like you in college,
so I owe you a thank-you.
Well, I hope I'm not
like that anymore.
So tell me about your life
in Manhattan.
- What do you wanna know?
- Everything.
Your job, your apartment,
your friends.
Just talk to me.
Sam, you gotta do something
about Zoe.
I don't know.
Stop being a little bitch
and do something.
What is your problem?
Stop being a bitch and letting
people walk all over you.
Good call.
So are you seeing anyone
in Manhattan?
Right now?
Now or before, I guess.
Whatever answer you have.
Not really.
I don't know
why I said not really.
I meant no.
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
You're not working?
No. Why?
Uh, I don't know.
Seriously. Why?
I'm just curious.
No reason.
Wake up.
I need more pills.
Fill the prescription.
- Now.
- [pop]
So did Sam talk to you
about you?
- What?
- Nothing.
- You know what'd be nice?
- What's that?
Me cooking you dinner.
- [laughs]
- What?
I've liked seeing you.
It's been great.
It's nice to know
that people can change.
It sounds like naive, but...
you hope that it could happen,
think it might happen.
As glad as I am you've
turned over this new leaf,
you're not
cooking me dinner.
- Why not?
- Jake...
you've burned that particular
bridge to the ground,
no matter how much
you've changed.
Zoe, I didn't mean it like that.
I meant me, you, and Sam
sitting down together,
spending some time.
Well, I'd like that.
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Do you think that Sam...
No. Trust me.
I know Sam.
He's the kind of guy
if he thinks something,
he says something.
What are you doing?
I am having someone
over for dinner.
Yeah, right.
I swear.
Is there a punch line here?
You gonna kick me in the balls
or something?
You know what?
Took your advice from the diner.
What's that?
Said I'm sorry.
Worked like a charm.
You're having Sara over?
I can't believe it.
What are you doing?
Checking out your eye color.
That's the first tipoff
that an alien life form
is impersonating your body.
It's a wonder other virgins
don't make pilgrimages
to worship you.
You want me to go anywhere?
I can go for a walk
or something.
If you want.
I can sit upstairs.
Yeah, if you want.
It's gonna get loud.
Fuck you.
No, Sam, Sam, seriously,
this girl made it seem like
she's only interested
in eating and fucking.
That's disgusting.
I'll close my door.
[doorbell rings]
It's open!
Hey, Jake.
Dad's house looks nice.
So, um, where's the food?
What are we eating?
- You look great.
- Oh, really?
I can hear you guys talking,
and although it means nothing,
it's making me feel
kinda weird, so...
I'm... gonna go for a walk.
What the hell?
Hey, Sam.
Sam, meet Zoe.
Fuck you, Jake.
You unbelievable piece of shit.
I don't know
what's going on here.
If you leave, he's not gonna
pay you your money.
He's not going to pay you
your money.
How do you know about that?
What kind of friend
takes money
from someone's father
to take care of them?
I mean, what the hell else
were you gonna do?
And you wouldn't even buy me
the paintball gun
when I asked you for it.
Yeah, that was a test, Sam.
You're out of your mind.
My mom and I live alone.
Paycheck to paycheck.
I gave her all that money
to help her out.
You get that at all?
Stand up.
I said stand up!
I know you can stand up.
'Cause I'm gonna
punch you in the face,
and I'm not gonna hit
a guy in a wheelchair.
- What's the problem?
- Shut up.
You gonna do something,
do something.
Shut up.
- Do something.
- I don't have to do anything.
Your girlfriend
didn't give a shit enough
to not fuck someone else.
Your dad didn't
care enough to stay.
You're all alone.
Nobody cares.
Someone had to pay me to care.
Zoe, this is bullshit.
I honestly thought you wouldn't
make the mistake twice.
[door closes]
[engine cranks]
[engine cranks]
[starter fails]
Why did you do that?
Because of the money.
Jake, I'm 26 years old,
and my father just died.
I have no savings,
and I'm living at home.
And this?
This is the least important part
of my life.
You know,
you guys aren't 16 anymore.
He's not gonna be waiting
at the bus stop tomorrow
for you to make it up to him.
Nobody wants you to be
anything like your father.
You know that, right?
You're dad's not even here.
[door opens, closes]
[line ringing]
Hey. I need help.
I think I broke my shoulder.
Why? What happened?
I punched Sam.
What'd you do?
- I punched him.
- I know.
What did you do?
I may have sabotaged
this thing he had going
with this girl he liked.
Well, you sprained it.
- It's not broken?
- No.
It's gonna be sore for a week,
so you need to figure this out.
- Get my friend back?
- No, I don't care about your relationship.
That's on you. You need
someone to take care of you.
So call the girl.
You call the girl,
fix it with her,
and Sam will come back.
I don't know her number.
She lives across the street.
What, Jake?
I didn't mean anything I said.
I was being
a manipulative asshole.
Yeah, I know.
I know you know.
I just needed to tell you.
He's liked you
for a long time.
A lot.
I'm just being an idiot.
I saw you walking with him,
and my dad telling me about
Sam getting paid, it just...
It's me acting on
some shitty instinct.
Did you mean anything you said?
When you said you were sorry.
I don't know.
I am sorry, though.
Your dad was a really cool guy.
[dog barks]
What am I supposed to do now?
Wait for Sam to get back,
make some phone calls
and find someone else
to take care of you.
I don't know
that anyone else can.
Well, you gotta
figure this out, Jake.
You should call someone else.
Because Sam's
definitely coming back.
Why do you say that?
Because he's sleeping
in your dad's car right now.
If he was gonna go,
he would have gone already.
Well, I need someone
to take care of me.
Listen, anyone you treat
the way you treat that kid,
maybe it's not the best thing.
I don't understand.
You're not the most perceptive
guy in the world.
Do you understand that?
I guess.
You guess?
You've hit on me
countless times.
I've countered countless times
by referring to my partner.
Not my boyfriend,
my partner.
Can you put
two and two together?
Maybe you need to reevaluate
your relationship with this kid.
But I gotta go. I have an
appointment in 20 minutes,
so I'll see you
next week, okay?
I don't want
to beat you up again.
I just wanna keep my head down,
finish out my time here.
Beat me up?
I punched you.
I just want to go upstairs
and sleep in a normal bed.
I want you to leave.
What the hell
you talking about?
I think...
and you can correct me
if I'm wrong...
that as long as I'm here,
you're gonna take care of me,
even if my father
doesn't pay you.
The thing is...
you don't like me.
- Not right now, no.
- No, you don't like me at all.
And that's okay.
I'm an asshole.
But for some reason,
me being an asshole
has just caused you to stop.
And that's not okay.
I don't think...
We're not friends.
We're just used to each other.
So I need you to just leave.
I need you to go write
an SAT prep book
or date Zoe
or do anything...
as long as I'm just
not involved and far away.
Just do something so
that I don't feel
like I fucked this up so bad.
We were best friends, man.
Probably the best
when we were 10,
and then we never changed.
That sucks.
But we don't have
to be friends now.
But who's gonna
take care of you?
I called Sara.
She said do it for 500.
Don't worry about it.
See you later.
[door closes]
[young Jake] By the time I'm 16,
she's gonna be 28 or something.
[young Sam]
She slapped you pretty hard.
Yeah, well, you gotta make
an omelet to break some eggs.
What? That's not
what you meant to say.
How would you know?
That made no sense.
In the future, keep those
kinda things to yourself.
I got a lot more candy
than you.
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's even it out.
Yeah, well, get used to it.
It's not gonna last forever.
Uh, I think you meant
don't get used to it.
I mean shut up.
She said that
all of this would pass
That ways of living
are a second math
All's quiet
as she takes her aim
But the weapons
have changed
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
Those places
that I know the best
Save the breath
that whistles in my chest
And the edges
of a new design
Spin in my mind
With Natalie's numbers
And letters I find
Say her name again
and let it rest
It will be there
when you need it next
And I throw my noises
to the street
So Natalie sees
This wave of distraction
that's growing in me
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
La la
- [filmmaker] Camera speed.
- Marker.
All quiet.
And action.
Why did my daughter
just call me delusional?
I don't know.
Did you say something crazy?
No. I walked in from the den,
and she said I was delusional.
Sam, she doesn't know that word
unless you taught it to her.
Linda, it's probably
an SAT word.
[girl] I don't know
what delusional means.
But it's okay, Mom.
Mr. Sanderson says I'm not smart
enough for any of this anyway.
- For Christ sakes.
- That's...
Listen, I didn't say
those words exactly.
I said something very similar to it.
I'm not gonna lie.
The important thing is that I
didn't say those words exactly.
What exactly did you say?
I said she's not smart enough
for this stuff right now.
- What?
- She's not!
Linda, this stuff is tough.
You got her doing it
at ten years old.
Hey, you! Sun is to shining
like your mom is to what?
I'm just trying to give her
a head start.
A healthy head start
is six months.
The whole point of the SATs
is that a ten-year-old
shouldn't be able to do it.
Who are you to determine
whether my daughter
is ready or not for SAT prep?
I think I'm exactly the right
person to determine that.
I'm the SAT tutor.
Am I being unreasonable?
Sam, I don't think you're
the right person for this job.
- Are you firing me?
- Yes, I am.
- You gonna pay me for today?
- Fine!
Please, please go outside
and play with your friends.
Do not order
my daughter around!
The streets are
the greatest classroom.
She can't unhear that.