Worth Winning (1989) Movie Script
[Horse Nickers]
Whoa!
Now that's a fine animal.
Oh, yeah.
Great stud, I bet.
Now, the real advantage ofbeing here today
at Atlantic City Racecourse..
to bring you the weather
is that we've got the real thing.
No boards, no mattes,
no pretty computer graphics. Uh-uh.
The real thing.
We got the real sun,
as I predicted.
We've got the real blue skies,
as I predicted.
Heck, we even got real horses,
as I predicted.
- [ All Laughing ]
- And speaking of predictions...
hey, we even got a real winner.
Oh!
This is TaylorWorth,
Channel 5 News, Philadelphia...
- and I'll seeyou at 1 1 :00.
- And we're clear.
[Women Murmuring ]
Ladies' day at the races.
I'm a happy guy.
[Man Singing]
[Continues ]
[Vocalizing]
[Singing Continues ]
That's 1 0, 20, five-fifty.
Number seven,
Movin' Marcel, to show.
- Come on, Ned, at least bet him to win.
- Thankuou.
Hi. Fortu dollars, numberthree...
My Charlie's Angel to win, please.
Thankyou.
- My gambling fund's a little low.
- Gambling fund.
- Gambling fund?. Ned, what happened toyou?.
- Yeah.
What happened to the kid who bet his father's
golf clubs on Cindy Brownell's bra size?.
Hey, rememberwhen I bet my scholarship money
you'd flunk out before midterms?.
Yeah. What happened?.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
I settled down.
Come on, pumpkin.
Ned's actually a terrific guy,
except he's lost his edge.
When we were 1 1, he decided
we should get Mohawks.
- I shaved my head. He laughed for a month.
- You see this 50?.
- Yeah.
- And you see that 50?.
- They're not the same.
- They're not?.
No, this is three days
of nursery school to me.
And what's that?.
Champagne for two?.
- Silk panties for Mona.
- Mona?.
- Do I know Mona?.
- No, I haven't mentioned her.
You're buying silk panties for a girl
you haven't even mentioned to me?.
Ned, it's not important.
Don't worry about it.
There is no Mona.
- Taylor.
- Lizbette.
- Don't sweet talk me.
- How are you?.
How should I be?.
You asked Wendy out, my own roommate.
I know.
You workTuesday nights.
- Don't touch me.
- She said no.
- Of course she did.
- See?. No harm done.
He is my hero.
A hero should
accomplish something.
I mean, what has Taylor accomplished?.
We are happily married men.
- With curfews.
- Yeah, I'd rather be like Taylor.
Well, Taylor doesn't know ityet,
but he'd rather be like us.
Youshouldsee him with mufamilu.
He reallusoaks it up.
No, that's what he reallywants.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Hey, I'm a shrink.
I know these things, right?.
[Ned]
Oh, I'm worriedabout him.
Oh. Did you get a load
ofher legs?.
Yes.
Don't you understand?.
He is dumping her.
Tauloris stuck
in a very destructive pattern.
They hit the two-month mark,
and he is running.
It's classic-- reject them
before they reject you.
[ Guffaws ]
No, no woman is ever gonna reject Taylor.
Oh, and it's too bad,
because that's what he really needs.
Well, that's what every man really needs.
Without suffering, you don't grow.
Yeah, forget it.
It'll never happen.
If only there was something
I could do for him.
If only I could pick
Taylor's next woman.
You know, someone who will dump him first.
Someone who will give him the gift ofheartache.
- Someone with P.M.S.
- No.
Someone who's looking
for more in a man than good looks.
- And a great sense ofhumor.
- And a six-figure income.
- And glamorous job.
- Yeah, but more than that.
Someone who will
torture him a little bit.
- Ned.
- Turn him inside out. Hurt him. Like love.
Forget it.
She's not out there.
- No, I bet I could find her.
- I betyou couldn't.
- I bet he could.
- I got 1 0 bucks says no way.
You're on.
You in, Ned?.
You are both missing my point.
Taylorwould have to cooperate.
- Oh, no, no, he'll want in on this.
- It's gotta be bigger.
- Bigger?
- Two women.
- Ten women.
- Eleven women.
Well, that's not gonna cut it anymore.
You're gonna have to--
I know, stop seeing you.
- Taylor.
- Lizbette.
I'm not good enough foryou.
You've made some veryvalid points.
I oughta be able
to make a commitment by now.
Taylor, let's say
I never came here today.
- No. No. No.
- Let's just forget everything.
No, no, listen to me.
Your instincts are sound.
It's time to move on. Lizbette,
I just don't think it can be together.
Well, what am I supposed to do?.
You?. Soar.
[ Call To The Post]
[Man On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,
the horses are parading to the post...
[ Man On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,
the horses are parading to the post...
for the next race
ofthe afternoon.
[ Chuckles ]
What?.
We've got a proposition for you.
You have three months
to get engaged to three women...
- and I pick the women.
- You're insane.
Oh, Chloe, that's pretty.
Now, this is the dumbest one
they've ever come up with.
They're always trying to rope me in
on some stupid bet.
Then, when I take them up on it,
they drop like flies.
Watch.
What are the stakes?.
Your fishing cabin
against my Mercedes.
No. See, I already have a car.
I want something else.
Name it.
I love torturing him.
Picasso.
Picasso?.
It's an original.
- I can't bet that.
- Fine, no bet.
It's Claire's.
Her grandfather left it to her.
So?.
- You're on.
- You're kidding?.
- [Man On Monitor] Theu're off..
- This is foryour own good.
It's Moving Marsdale
in a chargingstart...
with Boo-boo,
Rachel's Ride...
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Dreamu Messiah
breaks fifth on the rail.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Boys, sorry I m issed the game.
- That's okay.
-[ Woman ] Diduou cripple another quarterback?
- Yeah, two.
[ Man On Monitor]
Boo-boo running their own race.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Bachelorette num ber one.
I ce goddess.
- I got 2 0 says he can't even get a date.
- Forty says he can.
Guys, a beautiful woman is one of the
loneliest creatures on the face ofthe earth.
All I needis an opening.
A ticket ofadmission.
- Bet. Bet.
- No, Chloe, horseu. Horseu.
Chloe, you see that pretty
blonde lady right there?.
I just bet she would love
to see this picture you drew.
That's pretty, honey.
Is it for me?.
- Yes.
- Oh. Come here.
Gee, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's okau.
She's a doll.
- How old is she?
- Three.
Let me get her offyour hands here.
Come on, Chloe.
Let's not bother
these nice people.
Oh, she's no bother.
I love kids.
- Well, she's for rent.
- She's got your eyes.
- Don't let her father hearyou say that.
- She's not yours?.
No, no, I wish she were.
There anureason whuwe can't
have dinnerSaturdaunight?
- I don't even knowuour name.
- Erin.
- Erin Cooper.
- Taylor.
- Taulor Worth.
- Dinner would be fine.
- Great. Andre's, 7::00?
- Okay.
[ All Laughing ]
See you, guys.
You feel free to make
the other two a challenge.
Well, so much for the bet.
[ Video Game ]
[Bou]
I'll betuou can't get this point.
They sayyou don't
know how to play.
[ Woman ]
Well, I don't know whuuou don't like him.
Claire, he was fluff..
His idol was Geraldo Rivera.
Wel l, Veronica, what did you
see in him in the first place?.
He was the first guy
I dated in ages who didn't own a VCR...
shop Brooks Brothers
and drive a BMW.
[ Claire ]
Youjust described Ned.
That's diff.erent.
You and Ned becameuuppies together.
Please, don't tell Ned that.
You know, when I first met Ned...
he had hair down to here
and he was growing marijuana in the closet.
- Ned?.
- Yeah, my Ned.
[ Sighs ]
Whatever happened to Randy?.
Oh, gone.
He got way too serious too fast.
I tell you, the harder they push,
the bigger the flaws.
You and Ned were lucky
to get married so early.
[ Claire ]
I know I was lucku.
- Although sometimes I wish I could just--
- What?.
- [ Giggling ]
- Come here.
- Sometimes I wish I couldjust--
- [ Video Game ]
There, I said it.
[ Laughing ]
Well, who doesn't?.
Who are these men?.
Who are these men?.
- Who are these men?
- [Knife Chops ]
[ Claire ]
Veronica?
[ Video Game ]
You're out ofyour mind.
Number two
is a friend of Claire's.
- [ GolfBall Being Struck ]
- She's a musician.
You can't be serious.
This is exactly the type of place
she can't stand.
These are exactly
the kind of people she hates. Hi.
And you're one ofthem.
No, you can count me out.
This bet's totally absurd.
Well, you should have thought of
thatyesterday. Afraid you'll lose?.
Ned, haveyou considered how
this is going to affect other people's lives?.
- Mulife, for example.
- Won't change that much.
You can come visit us
at the cabin anytime.
$50 a nassau.
Ten forbirdies.
Sandies are greenies.
I feel lucky today.
Well, sign.
Forget it.
Uh, you're chickening out.
Don't push me.
You're reneging on our agreement.
Am I to understand
thatyour handshake means nothing?.
It's time to teach
this guy a lesson.
[ Scoffs ]
Don'tyou wanna know
who Eleanor is?.
Come on. Aren'tyou just
a little bit curious about number three?.
- I am trying to play golfhere.
- She's right over there.
EleanorLarimore.
You're gonna love her.
She's classu.
She's beautiful.
[ Taulor]
She's an alien, right?
No, she's a human. All three women
are humans. I have a heart.
She's married.
[Ned Chuckles ]
- You're not playing fair today, Ned.
- It's a bad marriage.
- It's a bad marriage. Trust me.
- No, no, I don't.
Never have. But that doesn't matter.
I always win anyway.
You did read the fine print, didn'tyou?.
Because I have to admit...
you're being a greatsport
about this.
How will I know
that they accept your proposals?.
Videotapes.
[ Chuckling]
[ Taulor]
We have all this rain up in here.
Then we have this lowpressure--
[ Rewinding]
We have all this rain up in here.
Then, we have this low pressure front,
sweeping down--
We have all this rain
up in here.
Then we have this low pressure front,
sweeping down--
Sweeping down
from the north.
Sweeping down from--
I'm a perfectionist.
Hey, I don't try to be this way.
And it's really rough
on the women I know.
It's like there's
this critic on my shoulder.
Troubleshooter, really.
[ Chuckles ]
Example:
Say she's a cat lover.
All I hear is him screaming,
""Say good-bye to navy blue."
Hey, don't get me wrong.
I don't wanna grow old alone.
I love kids.
I certainly love women.
But I'm no Casanova.
I'm just trying to find a woman
to get past the critic in me.
My housekeeper.
Great cook.
[ Beeping ]
Who knows?. Maybe one of Ned's choices
might be the perfect woman.
Wouldn't it be great
if it was the blonde?.
Good evening, sir.
Hereyou go.
Thanks.
Okay, here we are,
Saturday evening, 7::00.
I've given Erin
a lot ofthought...
but mostly about strategy.
I can't touch her, because
ifl touch her, I'll jump her.
And ifl jump her,
I'll lose her.
Every man wants to jump her,
so I've gotta be different.
- Erin.
- Taylor.
This bet's going to kill me.
Let's getyou
back in your coat.
We're going on a picnic.
Theuflooded the zone, Kosarthrew underneath
the coverage to Newsome...
Shara totally wimped out.
Shara's my main man.
Shara tackles like he's putting
his grandma to bed.
Oh, no! Look, you may be
the Eagles' receptionist--
- Yea!
- But that does not mean you know
a good tackle when you see one.
I not only know one,
I can do one.
[ Laughs ]
Right. Right.
Okay.
Come at me.
Come at me.
No, I believe you.
No, you don't.
Let me have it.
Come on. Come on.
Come at me.
Erin, really,
I don't wanna hurt you.
- [ Yells ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Laughing ]
- I think I'm in love.
See?.
You call the plays.
[ Disguised Voice]
Good-bye, Bryan. Seeyou next week.
- [ Cap Gun Fires ]
- [Ned] I'llseeuou tomorrow, Marcu.
- How are you today, young fella?.
- Pow!
How's the bad seed?.
We're making progress.
I still thinkyou oughta send him through
a metal detector beforeyou see him.
Mm. Honey, can I
askyou a question?.
- Of course.
- Why areyou fixing Veronica up with Taylor?.
- Who areuou madat?
- I'm not mad at anyone.
Honey, Veronica is a talented,
highly respected concert pianist.
She's gonna hate him,
and he's gonna hate her.
- She's not nearlyvapid enough.
- Well, Claire...
as his best friend and as an expert
on the human mind...
I think it's in his best interests
to have an atypical congregation...
with a member
ofthe opposite sex.
- You are pissed at him.
- Yeah.
[ Woman On TV] The Philadelphia SWAT team
is still surrounding a downtown jewelry store...
where four gunmen
have taken hostages.
As far as we know,
no one has been harmed...
and negotiations
are in progress.
- [ Woman On TV, Continues ]
- Where's TaylorWorth?.
Over there.
Has been for the past twoyears.
- Thankyou.
- NovelistAnn Travers died todau...
in a freak skiing accident
in Chile.
She had broken her leg on the slopes
and was being transported to safety...
when the rescuers lost control
ofher stretcher.
Miss Travers plummeted
1,500 feet to her death.
She's best remembered for her 1 979 novel,
Aren't I The LuckuOne?
Andnow Taulor Worth
with the weekend weather.
Ann Travers, a woman
whose luck ran out.
Let's see.
How'd I douesterdau?
It did rain last night.
Got that right.
Still is unseasonably cold here on the east coast,
but I've been saying that for days.
Uh-oh, Hurricane Brenda.
Yeah, right down there
in Florida. Came to shore-- Whoosh!
You wanna talk rain?
Theu had to cancel the Eagles-Dolphins game.
And I said it was gonna stay out there
i n the ocean somewhere...
so joke's on me.
Here in uour tristate area, we have clear air
qualitu tomorrow in the Delaware valleu.
Well, Cory, what have you
got on for the weekend?.
I 'm going to the country, Taylor.
There you have it. Cory Chu,
outstanding in her field.
- [News Theme ]
- That's the news.
ForBob Mahon and Taulor Worth,
I'm Cory Chu.
- Good night.
- And we're clear.
[ Taylor ]
Okay, everybody have a nice weekend.
You have a good weekend, Taylor.
Good night, Cokie.
- Great show, Taylor.
- Thanks, Paul.
Have a good weekend, Iry.
Are you at least a meteorologist?.
This must be... Veronica?.
- You just say the weather?.
- Harder than you think.
It would have to be.
Look, Taylor, I'm gonna save us both
some time and foryou a few bucks.
I'd like to giveyou a little test
to see ifwe're psychologically compatible.
- Shoot.
- Imagine this.
You walk into a room, you see a hole
in the floor, you walk up to it and look in.
- What doyou see?.
- A meteorologist.
Reliable birth control devices?.
Perfect.
Thankyou very much.
Good luck and good-bye.
Imagine this.
You walk into a studio,
you meet a guy...
you talk to him
for a couple seconds.
- What doyou see?.
- A man who reads the weather...
- wearing a lot of makeup.
- Yeah.
Doesn't that pique
your curiosity at all?.
I mean, aren'tyou saying toyourself, ""I wonder
ifhe wears more makeup in the evenings??"'
Let me takeyou to dinner.
You can find out foryourself.
I'll call you.
I've gotyour number.
[Man ]
742 minus 619?
[Bou]
487 minus 356?
1 31.
663 minus 421?.
1 42.
Maybe on Mars.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]
[Husterical LaughterContinues ]
[Laughter Continues In Distance ]
A woman with all this
should look happier than that.
[Laughter Continues In Distance ]
It really doesn't matter.
It really doesn't matter
what shoe you choose.
Any shoe would look good
at the end ofyour leg.
Maybe I can help you
make a decision.
Walk over there.
Let me take a look.
I really can't tell anything
unless you stand up.
Nice.
How about something like this?.
- No.
- Please.
Allow me.
No.
[ Gasps ]
How does that feel?.
Fine.
Please, come with me.
How about... this?.
Try it on... for me.
[ Snickers ]
I can't come out.
[ Giggling]
It may take a while,
but Eleanor's going to blossom.
- [ Eleanor Screams ]
- [ Yells ]
[Phone Ringing]
This is TaylorWorth.
Talk to me.
[ Beeps ]
Hi, Taylor. It's Leanne.
Hopeyou're having a good time
with your foster child.
Gimme a call when Kim Su
goes back to Korea, you big softie.
- Kim Su.
- She sounded hot.
Oh, she is.
But what am I supposed to do about it?.
Between being a perfect gentleman
every night with Erin...
the perfect stud every day
with Eleanor, who has the time?.
- In or out?
- The only time I'm going to be worried...
is when I see three tapes
with three proposals and threeyes's.
By then it'll be too late.
You'll have lost Claire's Picasso,
your marriage will be destroyed.
Ned, look,
I'm your best friend.
You just say the word, we can call off
this whole stupid bet.
Raiseyou five.
Threeyes's, Taylor,
and you only got two months left.
Veronica will call. So?.
I seeyour five.
I raiseyou five.
- [ Phone Ringing ]
- Oh, shit, it's Claire.
I will... seeyou.
[ Answering Machine ]
This is TaylorWorth. Talk to me.
[ Beeps ]
Taylor, this is Veronica Briskow.
Nedand Claire are coming to dinner
tomorrow night. Whu don'tuoujoin us?
My number's 555-3299.
Bye.
- [Ned] Shit.
- Oh, and, Ned, go home.
Double shit.
- No, no, no, no, no. It's legato, legato.
- [Piano On Stereo ]
- Don't you understand?.
- Legato.
Here. Listen to it again.
I've already listened
to it three times.
- Hmm?.
- No. I don't know what legato is.
- Sounds like a boat race.
- Boat race. [ Laughs ]
- Taylor hates music.
- [Continues ]
Well, why don'tyou tell us
what legato means?.
[ Laughs ]
Nice sweater, Taylor.
It's very Brooks Brothers.
Oh, areuoustill having trouble
withuourBMW?
I can name that segue
in five words.
Name that segue.
Sweater, cold,
Alps, Germany...
[ Both ]
BMW.
[ Chuckles ]
So, what diduour managersau
about the rehab centerbenefit?
He hates it when I play for free,
but I'll do it.
Oh, great.
Thankyou.
Hell, I mean, if I can't play
for 1 5 minutes...
to keep a bunch of drugged-out teenagers
from stealing my car...
- what kindofcitizen am I?
- Yeah, a real philanthropist.
- No, I leave that to Claire.
- Mm.
My tombstone's going to read,
""What's in it for me??"'
Nothing ifyou marryTaylor.
Let's eat. Taylor, you come join me
in the kitchen.
Claire, check Ned's pockets
for hallucinogens.
Ifyou can't speak English with the rest of us,
I'm gonna have to send you home.
Mm-hmm. Come on. I wanna see
Taylor's reaction when he sees the painting.
- You didn't tell him about the painting?.
- No.
[ Laughs ]
Let's go.
Why doyou ask?.
Just curious.
I can't stand that term ""new age."
I was doing it long before it was ever called that.
I had a classical background--
Oberlin,Juilliard, the whole competition circuit.
It was basicallu
too rigidforme.
I mean, I reallu
hate that kind ofstuff..
- Remember the critic that sits on my shoulder?.
- [ Continues, I ndistinct ]
Well, he just passed out.
I mean, what the hell
am I supposed to do?.
Must be another one
ofher psychological tests.
I tell you, ifl hadn't signed
that damn contract...
I wouldn't put up
with this crap for a minute.
I thought the hole
in the floorwas hard.
[Veronica ]
So, the rest is history.
I'm having a little trouble concentrating
on whatyou're saying...
so could you just shut up?.
[ Continues ]
Taylor.
[ Laughs ]
[ Giggling ]
- Thankyou so much. It was great.
- Oh, I'm glad you came.
How about a game of Monopoly?.
- Ned, I'm a little beat.
- Ned, turn around and walk out.
Come on, Taylor.
Let's let the girl get to bed.
Now.
- Bye, Ned.
- Bye.
Oh,uou know what?
[ Chains Door]
Come on, Taylor.
Let the girl get to bed.
[BedSqueaking]
- [Taulor] How about this?
- [ Veronica Laughs ]
- Does that feel good?
- It's fine. You're crushing mu bone.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
- How-- [ Groans ]
- [ Veronica Screams ]
I 've had better times
taking out splinters.
I wish it was yesterday.
Hey, it happens.
There wouldn't be great sex
ifwe didn't have awful sex.
Awful. Mechanical.
Slightly painful.
Unsatisfying sex.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
Coulduou letuourselfout, please?
Sure.
[ Water Running]
[ Gasping, Moaning]
[ Woman Laughing]
[ Tires Skid ]
[ Tires Screech ]
I love my lingerie.
[ Giggles ]
Eleanor, what do you say
next time we just talk?.
Why?.
I don't know.
Romance?.
I get to know you.
You get to know me.
I thinkwe're getting
to know each otherjust fine.
[ Clears Throat ]
Oh, would you give me
a special signal on the show tonight?.
When you rubyour nose...
it means you wished--
[ Whispers, Indistinct ]
Thank God
it was just my nose.
[ Car Engine Starts ]
Dinner at Erin's
will be a welcome change.
You know, I thought
I'd find you here.
I'm only gonna say this once.
Erin is a flower.
A rare and beautiful flower.
And I don't know
what she sees in a guy likeyou...
but ifyou mess with her
or lay a hand on her...
I'll ripyour head off.
Seems reasonable.
Terry, I'm so glad you dropped by.
Can you stay for coffee?.
Put Taulor down.
He doesn't knowuou're kidding.
[ Laughing ]
Oh, I get it now.
Uh, I'll be in the living room.
Did you like him?.
Isn't he great?.
Yeah, he seems very nice.
- [ Purring ]
- Oh, he is.
- He's smart andsophisticated.
- [ Grumbling ]
- Uh-huh.
- Andhe's reallusweet.
He won't even start the car
unless we both have ourseat belts on.
- [ Groans ]
- [ Terry] What a guu.
I 've never gone out with someone
for a month who didn't make a pass.
I never made a pass.
You're my friend, silly.
It doesn't count.
- [ Purring ]
- Seeuou, Terry.
[DoorCloses ]
[ Grumbles ]
['"We've OnluJust Begun'"
Bu The Carpenters ]
Pookie really seems to like you.
- Pookie's a hell of a cat.
- [ Grumbles ]
- I know.
- Will there be any other Eagles
dropping by tonight?.
- I hope not.
- [ Continues ]
- Taylor?.
- Hmm.
Would you do something for me?.
- [ Continues ]
- Anything.
On your show, could you give me
some sort of signal...
to let me know
that I'm your special girl?.
Sure. Sure.
How about ifl rub my--
How about
ifl scratch my chin?.
[Fades ]
The kid deseryes her own signal.
Call me sentimental,
but I like the one in her dining room better.
Can you believe this?.
She won't go out with me.
I'm just here
to pick up mywatch.
- TaylorWorth. What's happening, honey?.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, not much.
- She left this too.
Thankyou.
It's good.
Ambivalence I can workwith.
Hate takes longer.
What areyou doing here?.
Shh.
[ Whispers ] Guess who's
the head fund-raiser for the rehab center?.
Mmm.
Come here, come here.
Seeya.
- [ Grunts ]
- Hi.
Uh, Eleanor, please, not here.
Oh, yes, here, in the lobby,
in the middle ofthe street.
In the cereal aisle at the A&P.
- Tell meyou're dying for it.
- Tell me I'm dying for it.
- Tell me I'm the best.
- You're the best.
- Tell me I'm better than the best.
- You're better than the best.
[ Both Yell ]
[ Both Snoring ]
[ Ends ]
[ Man Yelling Bravo ]
I haven't had much of a chance to get to know
yourwife, but she seems like a real gem.
- Yes.
- Uh, I don't know ifl mentioned it...
- but I'm a psychiatrist, and sometimes I can just--
- Yes.
- I can just tell a great marriage when I see one.
- Good.
Anditseems to me thatuou guus have
a reallustrong, close, good one. Am I right?
- Uh-huh.
- [ Claire ] Taulor? Taulor.
- Where are you running to?.
- Taylor.
Taylor Worth?.
- The weatherman?.
- That's right.
I love your reports!
You give the most thoroughly
detailed weather reports.
I know.
Weather's a hobby of mine.
How about thatstorm
last March?
- Was it a shock, or what?
- Your fly is open.
- What a shock.
- And that flash flood in Nebraska last May?.
- Whoosh!
- How can she stand him?.
- Your fly is open.
- Oh, honeu, honeu.
Look, TaylorWorth.
Oh. How do you do?.
Your fly is open!
Well, it doesn't make me deaf!.
Uh, excuse me.
Gotta run. 1 1 :00 news.
- Hi. How are you?.
- Your playing is beautiful.
[Veronica ]
Douou know what time it is?
I know you just played for two hours,
but may I come in?.
Just so you know
why I'm mad.
I hate it when my friends run out of my concerts
without telling me how wonderful I am.
And I really hate it when guys
come by here, unannounced...
thinking it means
that I have to let them in.
How manyyou let in there so far?.
Imagine what she's going to do to me
when I call off ourwedding.
Look, uh, you gotta admit,
you sent me some pretty mixed signals.
I mean, here's yourwatch,
because I neverwant to seeyou again.
But here's a ticket, because I wantyou
to see whatyou're missing.
Well, I saw, okay,
and you're magnificent.
I can't wait
to hearyou again.
Callme.
[Unlocks Door]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello.
- Veronica Briskow?.
- Yes.
- Hi. It's TaylorWorth.
I know this seems silly,
but I can't help it.
It's such a pretty movie.
I haven't seen it
since I was a little girl.
- Really?. I've never seen it.
- You haven't?.
- No. Two please.
- Wait till you see Dopey.
He is the most adorable thing.
- Hey, that's why I'm here. Thanks.
- Thankyou.
I actually had a different sort
of day planned.
- One that ends in a proposal.
- Hello.
Maybe ifl toss in
a honeymoon at Disneyland.
Go ahead.
- [Disneu-esque ]
- [ Sobbing ]
[ Chattering ]
It's so very beautiful.
There's so much love.
[ Sobbing ]
- What areyou doing?.
- Filming our own happy ending.
Can you move a little to the left?.
Whoa! Whoa! Right there.
That's perfect.
- Erin.
- Taylor.
Erin, I thinkyou already know
what I'm going to askyou.
And this may seem inappropriate,
because I haven't known you very long...
- but, Erin--
- Taylor.
Dear Erin, will you marry me?.
[ Erin Sobbing ]
I take it that's a yes.
Can I hear the word, please?.
Can I hear that precious word?.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, Taylor.
I will marryyou.
Take me, Taylor.
Oh, wild horses couldn't stop me.
[ Moaning ]
Ow! What?.
Sorry.
Ned, Ned. Not only am I one third
ofthe way from teaching you a lesson...
but tonight
I will by lying with the gods.
Erin, I wantyou to know...
there is no one
I would rather be with...
and nothing
I would rather be doing.
[ Both Moaning ]
- I'm so glad I waited.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm glad we waited too.
Wonderful.
No, I'm so glad I waited.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm glad you waited too.
[ Moaning ]
I'm so glad I waited.
What?.
Erin, I know this is
ourfirst time, darling...
butyou're not saying, areyou...
that this is your first time?.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Taylor, don't be upset.
I know it's notyour first time.
It's different for men.
Erin, Erin, Erin, you are very special.
You are. You are.
And you waited such a long time.
I want this to be right foryou.
Let's wait. Okay?.
- [ Kisses ]
- Let's wait till after the wedding.
Areyou sure?.
Right now, more than anything,
I wantyou inside me...
to finally know
what it feels like.
Oh, God. I'm sure.
You are so good
at looking at the big picture.
Oh, yeah, I'm looking
at the big picture.
Mm.
What?.
I'm not a monster.
Can I hear the word, please?.
Can I hear that precious word?.
Oh, oh, oh,ues, Taulor.
I will... marryyou.
Take me, Taylor.
Oh, yeah, wild horses
couldn't stop me.
[ Both Moaning ]
Ow! What?.
Ned, Ned. Not only
am I one third ofthe way...
to teaching you a lesson
and winning this bet...
but tonight I will be
lying with the gods.
[ Static ]
I'll buy.
It was my idea.
Forget it. I've been trying to
takeyou out for a month.
- Two please.
- Thankyou.
Thankyou.
Guess it's
the hot ticket in town.
[ Chattering ]
Mmm. This is better than primal therapy.
It's more cathartic.
Care for a drink?.
We have mai tai or tequila sunrise.
- Whoa.
- No, no, what did you really think ofthe movie?.
I thought it was great. I'd love to lie there
until the rightwoman came along.
You don't get it, doyou?.
She leaves everything behind-- her home,
her little friends-- and forwhat?.
For some handsome prince.
The whole ending implies that a woman
needs a man to bring her to life.
Veronica, it is not real life.
It's a fairytale.
Come on. I mean, did you ever read
The Frog Prince?
In that one, he stayed a frog until
she kissed him and brought him back to life.
Yeah, well, I've kissed a lot offrogs,
and I haven't met a princeyet.
You're kissing the wrong frog.
It's hard to find
the right person.
It's a search, a process.
I don't think it's
supposed to be easy.
Well, maybe
I misjudged you, Taylor.
Up until now, I thought ofyou
as just a pleasant diversion...
but maybe there's a well of compassion
and sensitivity in you.
- Really?.
- Not a deep well.
More like a bucket.
Or a toy pail.
You can stop
beforeyou get to Dixie cup.
You know some say
you have to kiss a frog twice.
[ Sobbing ]
- Oh, why did you ever come into my life?.
- To make you happy.
To holduou
in muarms forever.
[Woman ]
I'll neverbe able to look mufather in the face.
Look, let's get away. Let's get married
immediately. Right away, tonight.
- You mean elope?
- That's what I mean.
Where would we go? I've never did
such a thing. I feel so helpless.
[ Humming ]
Guess what. This Veronica,
she's real easy to be with...
once she stops
busting your balls.
After she agrees to marry me...
I'm gonna keep dating her.
[Woman On TV]
Don't talk to one another.
And wheneverauoung man,
and I've met some verynice ones...
Hey, hey, I thought
we made a deal.
Whoever makes breakfast
gets to pick the station.
It's halftime and I don't care
what deal we struck.
I'm not watching the Eaglettes
do the ""Born in the U.S.A." routine.
- Oh, come on. That's the best one.
- [Announcer, Indistinct]
[ Moaning, Kissing ]
[Taulor]
I admire those women.
That's because their job
is more difficult than yours.
[Announcer]
What in the world is going on down there?
It looks like the Eagles cheerleaders
are unfolding a banner or something.
""Congratulations Eri n and T ay" --
[ Phone Ringing]
[ Beep ] Hel lo, Miss Briskow.
This is Eleanor Larimore...
confirming the luncheon tomorrow.
Please give me a call.
Thankuou.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Bye, love buckets.
Piece of cake.
- Veronica.
- Hmm?.
How about if tonight
I give you a special signal on the show?.
You know, one that says
I'm thinking aboutyou.
Oh, that's sweet...
but I watch channel eight.
That doesn't bother me.
Here in the tristate area, we have high winds
coming down from New York.
But we'll have clear air quality tomorrow
in all the Delaware valley.
That's all for the weather.
Now back to my favorite
newscaster, Cory Chu.
Right after
this commercial break.
And in local news, Philadelphia City Council--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello.
- [ Ned ] Hey, buddy.
- Did you see the game?.
- Ned, I don't have time to talk toyou right now.
Things are getting a little close.
I'm 1 5 minutes late for a date
with somebody, and I don't even know who.
Well, I saw that banner on TV.
Who knows who else did?.
Hey, you know, uh, Veronica and Eleanor
are having lunch together.
I think this whole thing
is gonna blow up right in your face.
- Ned, one more thing.
- Yeah, what?.
This is getting ridiculous.
I've gotta break upwith Erin.
[Piano]
- Haveyou picked the ushers yet?.
- Ushers?.
No. No, I haven't.
Uh, Erin, we have to talk.
At Teddy's Tux, ifyou have six or more ushers,
the groom gets his tux for free.
- I have a tux.
- See, I didn't know that.
Erin, you're a wonderful girl...
and I care about you very much.
From a selfish point ofview,
I can't think of anything I would rather have...
than you be mywife for the next 50 or 60--
What are these?.
- Swatches.
- Swatches. Forwhat?.
For my dress
and the bridesmaids' dresses.
What do you mean
by a selfish point ofview?.
I can't marryyou.
- What?.
- Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess that we'd get married
and then we'd be together...
and then we'd decide
to try to have a family.
And then we'd try
for a year or two, and...
then we'd both be tested.
- Anduou would realize that I'm--
- You're saying you're sterile.
Yes.
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Erin, you deserye better than me.
Wait a minute. You're saying that we'll never
have to worry about birth control...
andifwe want a babu, all I'll have to do
is to be artificialluinseminated.
I am sorry
they won't be yours though.
It's not just that I'm sterile.
See, I can't have an orgasm.
You mean you can just
stay hard forever?.
No, goddamn it,
I mean, I'm impotent.
[Stops ]
- Oh.
- I understand...
- [Resumes ]
you shouldn't be doomed
to a life without sex.
Now don't rush me.
It's just a lot to think about.
Could you give me
a couple of days?.
- Of course.
- Now, in the meantime...
which ofthese do you like best
for my maid ofhonor?.
[ Waiter] Yes, ma'am. Absolutely.
Yes, sir. Be right back.
[Taulor]
Two, please. Thanks.
I had to bring her. Hey.
Do you know about
our discount pass book?.
[ Chattering ]
[Intro ]
Come here.
- You want it, huh?.
- [ Giggles ]
Now. Come on.
- You be my little girl?.
- [ Gasps ] Yes.
[ Squeals ]
I'll beyour little girl.
- Will you be my mommy?.
- Oh, yes.
Oh. I'llbeuourmommu.
[Moans ]
- Willuou be mubride?
- [Squeals ] Yes.
- No. No.
- Yes.
Yes, I'll be your bride. Yes!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh. Oh, you know your Picasso?.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that one ofthose
priceless sort ofthings...
or-or merelyworth more than
any man could earn in his entire life?.
[Woman Singing]
- [Continues ]
- You ever heard ofthe Sooners?.
- Football team?. Proper noun.
- Yeah.
But it's also a word
that can mean, like, uh, pioneers.
- Fine. Put it down.
- Great.
S-O-O-N-
E-R.
That's yourword?.
Singular ""Sooner"?.
- Yeah.
- [ Giggles ]
What?. There was only one
""Sooner" in the covered wagon.
Great word, Taylor.
I just wish you could've
thought ofit sooner.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Continues ]
- You moved it.
- Yeah. Now we can see the sun
come up behind the trees.
- You moved my bed without asking.
- I didn't bolt it down.
No?. Why do women
always have to do that?.
Usuallu, it'sjust
a fern orsomething.
Well, I'm not trying to insinuate myself
into your perfectly constructed life.
- No?. Then what was that?.
- I just happen to love waking up in your arms.
I happen to think it would be beautiful
watching the damn sunrise at the same time.
- Ow!
- Oh!
- Afraid ofa little change?.
- You are the most stubborn person...
- I have ever met.
- [ Screams ]
I like it here.
- I should've said so... sooner.
- [ Breathing Heavily]
[Continues ]
[Fades ]
He's impotent.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
What should I do?.
- I can't make upyour mind foryou.
- I was hoping you could.
How?.
I'd like to know
what I've been missing.
Wait a minute.
Do I onluget one shot at this?
- Depends.
- Yeah!
[Fast Breathing]
- Marathon.
- That's very good.
[ High-pitched Voice ]
And the mouse Olympics continue.
[ Humming ]
- Figure-skating.
- That's close.
[ Continues ]
- A pair figure-skating.
- Very good.
- And that's all.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Do one more, please, please,
please, please, please.
Okay. Okay.
But this is not a sport.
This is an entirely
different event altogether.
[ Growls ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Knuckles Crack]
[ Gasps ]
- [ Giggling ] Do it.
- [ Mumbling In High-pitched Voice ]
[ Continues, Indistinct]
- [ Crying ]
- [ Laughs ]
- I'm so happy.
- [ Laughs ] What is it?.
- Oh. Thankyou.
- I haven't a clue.
- Miss Mouse America.
- Get out ofhere. [ Laughing ]
I feel great.
After today,
I will be through with this bet.
I'll have the cabin.
I'll have the Picasso.
But best ofall,
I will have the girl.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna have to write Ned a thank-you note.
I'm not gonna call off
the engagement with Veronica.
I'm not gonna rush it either.
A couple ofyears down the line
when a little Taylor sounds like a good idea...
we'll tie the knot.
I really love this girl.
- [Veronica Whoops ] Taulor, stop that.
- [TaulorLaughs ]
Huh. Let's sit here.
Yeah. Ah.
Why do I have a feeling
it's time for a serious talk?.
You know me pretty well.
See, it's just that, um--
- Ahh.
- Taylor, you're neryous.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're my favorite person.
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
Oh.
You know, all mulife, I was convinced
I was responsible for mu own happiness.
I could never depend on anyone else
to give it to me.
But I was wrong.
You've given it to me.
Come on. Sit down.
Veronica, marry me.
Marryyou?.
[ Laughs ]
I can't marryyou. I thought
you wanted to move in together.
I do and have kids
and grow old.
Yeah, well, I'd wanna try it out first.
Live together for a few months...
- see how we get along.
- How we get along?.
How we... get along?.
You do the mouse Olympics
with everyone?.
- I think there's more to
marriage than mouse Olympics.
- Yeah. So do I.
There's a lot more.
There's caring.
Veronica, I care aboutyou very much.
You make me laugh at myself.
You know whatyou have?.
- Uh-uh.
- You have my heart.
Anduou know what?
I don't wantuou to let go.
I wanna have terrible fights with you
and know that you're not going anywhere--
or that I'm not going anywhere.
I wanna pick things out
with you and buy them.
I wanna-- You know what, I wanna--
[ Shouts ] I want a commitment.
[ Gasps ]
Make one with me.
Oh, my God. I've been
swept off my feet.
- Is that a yes?.
- Yes. Yes!
I wanna marryyou... now.
Today.
[ Chuckles ] Well, how about
sometime this month?.
I gotta tell her about the bet.
Pretty ironic, huh?.
Same thing that got me into this
could take it all away.
Poetic justice
doesn't feel so good.
That was nice.
We're here.
Veronica, I've done some things
in my past I'm not proud of.
- Well, I don't wanna hear about 'em.
- Yeah, yeah.
But, see, there's this one thing
in myvery recent past.
Something I realize in retrospect--
[ Muffled ] wasn't very nice.
Something that involved
a few innocent people.
Something that now that my,
um, single days are behind me...
I realize was not very nice.
- Areyou planning on doing it again?.
- No.
- Areyou a criminal?.
- God, no.
- Then don't tell me.
- Thereyou have it.
However, you better
marry me soon...
- like before I seeyour face on the post office wall.
- How about Saturday?.
I have to be at Claire's in three hours.
I'm meeting that Eleanor lady.
I think I could
squeeze in a blood test.
- Mmm. Do me a favor.
- What?.
Let's wait. Tell Ned
and Claire together.
You're right. They'd probably
never believe just one of us.
[ Engine Starts ]
[Dog Barking In Distance ]
- Good weekend, huh?.
- Mmm.
- Are we talking girl in love here?.
- Yes.
But I'm not supposed to say anything about it.
I promised him I wouldn't.
- Areyou moving in with him?.
- I can't tell you.
- Areyou getting married?.
- I'm not supposed to tell you.
- Oh, my God.
- [ Squealing ]
- [ Squealing ]
- [ Laughing ]
Is he a great lay?.
- Oh.
- As a matter offact, he is.
- Oh.
- Well, so. Good.
I had a chance
to marry a great lay once.
But I-I didn't.
I married Howard Sr.
The richest, sweetest, most appropriate person
I could find.
And for 1 2 years I managed
to go through life...
as-as if the rest
didn't matter to me.
And then I met this man.
How he everfound me
I have no idea.
But he knew exactlywhat I needed,
and he gave it to me.
And he still gives it me
and gives it to me and gives it to me.
And I can't think of
anything else.
- Who knew?.
- [ Giggles ] Enough about me.
- W-What's your fella like?.
- Oh, well--
- [ ChildrenArguing]
- Excuse me.
[ Child]
Give me it. It's mine.
- It's mine.
- What's going on here?.
She put a tape on.
Ada said we should never do that.
- I wanna see MaryPoppins.
- You do?
That's not MaryPoppins
and you're gonna get a time-out.
- You're gonna get a time-out too.
- Are not.
- Are too.
- Are not.
- Quiet, kids.
Go to your room.
Go to your room.
- [Taulor] Willuou marryme?
- [Woman Squealing]
[TaulorLaughing]
Was that aues?
- Can I hear that precious word?.
- Oh. Oh. Oh, yes, Taylor.
I will marryyou.
- That's myTaylor.
- That's myTaylor.
- Take me, Taylor.
- That's herTaylor.
Ned. Ned.
Not only am I one-third ofthe way
to teaching you a lesson and winning this bet...
but tonight, I willbe
luing with the gods.
Ned.
- What?.
- Wedding?.
- Wedding.
Saint James Chapel.
2:00. Saturday.
Cigar? Cigar.
Right.
You're not getting the painting.
No tape, no painting.
Ned, I cannot believe
how immatureyou are being.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Doyou expect me to showyou a tape ofthe
woman I love accepting my proposal?.
- Ifyou want the painting.
- Painting?. Painting?. It's not about a painting.
It's about human beings.
It's not about a stupidbet.
People.
[ Sighs ]
I'm ashamed ofthat bet.
It's contemptible. Really.
Plauing with people's lives
that wau.
You should all be ashamed.
Especiallyyou, Ned.
Well, I--
I never thought you'd win.
Win?.
That's not the point.
The point is I am out. Out.
- You're serious?.
- Yes.
- You're really gonna marry her?.
- Yes, I am.
Forget the bet.
Good man.
- I still get my $400 though, right?.
- All bets are off.
Hey. What about Erin
and Eleanor?.
I'll handle it.
- Hey, Taylor. How areyou?.
- How areyou, Harry?.
Tracy. Thanks.
Seeyou tomorrow.
It's Wednesday,
and everything's working out just great.
Tomorrow I'm going to have
one last lunch with Erin.
She'll call offthe wedding by dessert.
Trust me.
By Friday, Eleanor should
get this letter.
I told her it was time to put her passion
back into her marriage.
Marriage. I'm getting married
to Veronica on Saturday.
[ Giggles ]
God.
Did you ever think it was going to
work out this well?.
[ Laughs ]
[Theme toJaws ]
[Phone Rings ]
- Hi, Taylor.
- Hi.
Amy.
Do the station a favor
and call this Eleanor back.
""Thursday, 9:00 a.m.
I want to seeyou. 9:1 5, where areyou?.
9:30, I need you."
Et cetera, et cetera.
[ Scoffs ] Here's a smart girl.
""Can't make lunch today, how about Friday?. Erin."
[Man]...it will be nice to seeuou too.
Thankuou verymuch.
- Hi. Worth. 1 :00 for two.
- Yes. Yes, the young lady's inside.
[ Sighs ]
Sir, she--
Hello. Taylor.
You can't make it?
I know we got a lot to talk about.
You said you'd
make your decision by now.
No, it can't wait till next week.
It's gotta be tomorrow--
in the morning.
Uh-huh. Fine. Fine.
Your house, 1 1 :00.
Yeah. Yeah, thankyou. Bye.
Hi, Taylor--
Where are you?.
Why haven'tyou called me?.
You've been very naughty.
Mommy's gonna
have to punish you.
[ Buzzes ]
- Hi.
- Hello, Taylor. I've made my decision.
- Whatever it is, I'll understand.
- Come on in.
I may have time for a haircut
before the wedding.
[ All ]
Surprise!
- Mom and Dad, this is Taylor.
- Son.
- Oh, Taylor.
- Erin, can I talk toyou for a minute?.
- Not right now. Where is that party mix?.
- Welcome to the family, son.
- Thankyou.
- Hey. Hi. I'm, uh, Chip, brother ofthe bride.
Oh, don't worry about that. You'll have
plenty oftime for talking afteryou're married.
Like, yourwedding night.
God, I love Erin.
She's my favorite niece.
You know, it's just like her
to find somebody likeyou to marry.
I mean, what a heart
on that girl.
Always bringing home some limpin' puppy
or bird with a broken wing.
Erin. Erin.
Can I talk toyou?.
Haveyou tried the stamp test?.
- The what?.
- Thestamp test.
You take a few stamps from a roll--
enough to circleyour penis.
I'd say in your case...
about five.
Put them on beforeuou go to bed.
Overlap them just enough
so you can lick one to make them stick.
Now ifthey break off during the night,
your problem is up here.
- Want to know whu?
- Why?.
Erin!
You don't have toyell, honey.
I'm right here.
Erin. How could you
tell everyone, huh?.
This was supposed to be personal.
Honey, I just talked about it
with my family.
- And some ofthe guys on the team.
- Some ofthe guys on the team?.
- And the coach.
- The coach. Damn it, Erin.
They all seem to agree that
after the firstyear of marriage...
- sex isn't that important.
- Sex is the cornerstone ofintimacy.
Intimacy-shmintacy.
I got a hunch aboutyou, Taylor.
I thinkyour problem's just with women.
I knowuou wouldlook goodin rose,
but liluwouldlook awful.
We're not getting married.
Erin, I can't marryyou.
You can and you will.
- I wanna propose a toast.
- A toast.
- Hey. Right.
- Stay there, son.
Today is the happiest day of my life.
My little girl's engaged.
She's got herself
a wonderful guu.
Of course, I'd be a little happier
ifhe could function as a real man.
- [ Snickers ]
- But even so, it's the happiest day of my life.
- Hip-hip--
- [ Guests ] Hooray.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which noboducan denu
Which nobodu can denu
Which nobodu can denu
[Faint ]
Forhe's ajollu good fellow
Oh! Hi, honey.
You're home.
Yeah. I 'm home.
Where are you?.
I'm home too.
- I know what's bothering you.
- No. No, you don't.
- Sex.
- No.
You're afraid it's going to be routine
now that we're living together?.
It won't be. [ Giggles ]
I promise.
- Look!
- Oh.
-Jesus.
- Let's party.
[ Whimpers ]
[Lock Clicks ]
[ Panting ]
It's been a really bad day.
You probably think
I deserye this, don'tyou?.
- Go ahead. Say it.
- Who areuou talking to?
Canuou wash muback?
Hey! Hey, taxi!
[ Whistles ]
Taylor, need a ride
to the wedding?.
Yes.
I'm just gonna
drop these kids off, okay?.
[ Child ]
Mommy,Jason hit me.
[ Claire ]
Then tell Jason you don't like it.
Jason, I don't like it.
I don't like it.
- [Jason ] Good.
- Claire?. Can you drop me offfirst?.
- [ Children ] Hi, Taylor.
- We're off.
- [ Taylor] Claire, did you hear me?.
- [ Children Cheering ]
Hey, Pirate, can you move
your ice cream a little?.
[ Child ]
Maryin dropped his ice cream on Taylor.
Mommy, I lost my balloon.
Can we stop?.
- [Taulor] No.
- Sure we can, sweetie.
Claire, the wedding was supposed to
start five minutes ago.
- Taylor, they're not going to start without you.
- Left. Left!
Claire, left. Turn left.
- [ Kids Shout ]
- [ Claire ] Relax.
There's nothing
to worryabout.
Oh. I'm getting carsick.
- Now that's something to worry about.
-Jason's throwing up on me.
- Then tell Jason you don't like it.
- None of us likes it.
[ Groans ] I have to get to the wedding.
Stop the car.
[ Claire ]
You're so on edge. Take a Valium.
- [ Child ] What's a Valium?.
- It's like a nap.
- [Children ] Bue, Taulor.
- [ Claire ] Bue, Taulor.
[ Child]
Bue, Taulor.
Oh, there he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the groom.
- Where have you been?.
- 3 1 Flavors. You look disgusting.
Here. Come on.
Let's get a shot here. Huh?.
- Oh, that's nice. That's good.
- Come on. Get up there. Go. Go.
God. I can't believe it.
I'm walking down the aisle.
[ Humming ]
[Processional]
[Continues ]
Hi.
Seeing you right now
made me realize something.
Deep down inside,
I didn't thinkyou'd be here.
Thankyou for being here.
- Let's get married.
- Shall we begin now?.
Yes.
Every couple
has its own story.
It's been my obseryation that the more
interesting the story, the better the marriage.
It looks to me like Taylor and Veronica
are going to have a wonderful marriage.
All of us
are gathered here today...
to witness
and support that union.
TaylorWorth, doyou take Veronica Briskow
to beyour lawfullywedded wife?.
To have and to hold, for better or forworse,
in sickness and in health...
to love and to cherish
from this dauforward...
till death douou part?
- I do.
- Veronica Briskow, do uou take Taulor Worth...
to be uour lawfullu wedded husband,
for better or for worse...
in sickness and in health...
to love and to cherish from this dau forward,
till death do uou part?
- I 'd never marry hi m.
- [ Guests Gasp ]
And you can bet on it.
- [ Guests Murmuring ]
- [ Recessional]
Taylor, did she say
she was going to marryyou?.
And you believed it?.
- This was a setup.
- I-I don't know-- I don't know anything about this.
Ned.
[ Quietly]
Oh, God.
Claire. Claire?.
Claire. Claire.
[Toilet Flushes ]
Veronica, marry me.
Marryyou?. I can't marryyou.
I thoughtyou wanted to move in together.
I do and have kids and grow old.
Yeah, well, I'd wanna try it out first.
Live together for a few months...
- see how we get along.
- How we get along?.
How we... get along?.
- Go away.
- You do the mouse Olympics with everyone?.
- I think there's more to
marriage than mouse Olympics.
- Yeah. So do I.
- There's a lot more.
- I said, go away.
There's caring. Veronica,
I care aboutyou very much.
- Oh, the hell with it.
- [Intercom Buzzes ]
You make me laugh at myself.
You know whatyou have?. You have my heart.
Anduou know what?
I don't wantuou to let go.
I wanna have terrible fights with uou
and know thatuou're not going anywhere.
- Yeah?.
- I t's me.
- Go away.
- Are you gonna lock yourself
in there for another month?.
- I am not home, Ned.
- I've seen her.
[ Taulor On Video ]
I'm not going anywhere.
I wanna pick things out
withuou and buuthem.
What'd she say?. She mention me?.
Did she talk about it?.
- Huh?.
- Actually, I just watched her get into Claire's car.
[TaulorOn Video ]
I wanna-- You know what, I wanna--
- [ Shouts ] I wanna commitment.
- [ Veronica Gasps ]
Make one with me.
Oh, my God.
I've been swept off my feet.
- Is that a yes?.
- Yes. Yes!
- Give me that tape.
- No.
- Give me the tape.
- I insistyou get professional help.
These are classic signs
of depression. Furthermore--
- Give me the tape!
- No!
- Ned!
- No!
Yes! Ned, stop!
[ Shouts ]
What?. No. Let me go.
That's my bad ankle.
[Taulor Groans ]
[ Whimpers ]
Don't be an asshole.
There's a real Veronica out there.
- Who hates me.
- You don't know that.
Ned, I proposed to her
to win a bet.
- Yeah, that's pretty fucked.
- It was your idea.
Well, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it would be a good idea
foryou to suffer.
Yeah. Well, here it is.
Take a goodlook.
Hopeuou're happu.
You hate me, don't you?.
You hate me.
- No.
- But you have every right to.
But I assume since
I'm not out there on the street...
with that tape
that you've forgiven me.
Am I right?.
Well...
maybe Veronica
could do the same with you.
I think it's different
between a man and a woman.
Not as different as you think.
Maybe that's been
part ofyour problem.
- Claire forgiveyou?.
- Yes.
But I had to ask, hmm?.
Well, beg, actually. Beg.
Thanks.
Ournext item comes from...
Ournext item comes from...
ourgreat football team the Eagles.
Ofcourse, theu're great now.
For those ofuou who grew up here as I did...
you remember what theu used to be like--
everyuear theu were in last place.
So manuuears, we used to read
the sports page upside-down...
just to get a feel i ng what it'd be I i ke
to see our team i n fi rst place.
- [ Laughing ]
- Well, we have here a great item.
It's a jersey worn by
ourvery own Terry Childs here.
- Now who's gonna start the bidding
on thisjerseu?
- Two hundred dollars.
Come on. The man sacked
Elwautwice wearing this veryjerseu.
- Let's go.
- Three hundred dollars.
Sold for $300.
Our next item for auction
has to be the special one of the evening...
and I expect the biggest
response to this one.
We all enjoyed Miss Briskow's playing
earlier this evening.
Well, she has graciouslu
donated to the highest bidder...
an evening performance
at a private party.
How's that?. Miss Briskow,
would you come up?.
Come on up. Takes a lot ofguts.
I'd never do muact in a house.
Meet me at the kitchen.
Please don't eat that.
I have a chicken joke. It's great.
Put down your sandwich.
I have a chicken joke. It's great.
Put down your sandwich.
Okay, now. Let's open up
the bidding at $200.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Four hundred dollars.
- Six hundred.
- Six. Do I hear seven?.
One thousand dollars.
Ohh. One thousand dollars.
Going once. Going twice.
[Man ]
Two thousanddollars.
- I heard $2,000.
- Twenty-two hundred.
- Three thousand.
- Thirty-two hundred.
Thirty-two hundred.
Going once.
- Going twice.
- Fourthousand dollars and a fishing cabin.
- Fishing cabin?.
- Taylor?.
Look, it's our very own
Channel 5 weatherman...
- Taylor Worth.
- [ Whistles ]
Okay. Uh, do I hear 4,200?.
- Forty-two hundred.
- Fortu-two hundred. Okau. Going once.
- Going twice--
- Not so fast, David.
Fortu-two hundred dollars,
a fishing cabin...
and a publ ic proclamation
ofwhat a creep he is.
[Scattered Laughter]
- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- I'm a creep. I'm a bastard.
- He's a great lay.
- I knew it.
I don't deserye you.
I know that.
But I can't imagine not loving you.
You're bold. You're splendid.
You're intriguing. You're a whole lot ofthings
I never knew mattered.
Veronica. Veronica.
Save me.
I beguou. Marryme.
- Is that all?.
- And a Scrabble rematch.
- Unlimited mouse Olympics?.
- I'll even become a meteorologist.
Then kiss me.
[ Cheers ]
Soldfor$4,200,
a fishing cabin...
a public proclamation ofwhat a creep he is,
a Scrabble rematch...
unlimited mouse Olumpics,
he'll become a meteorologist and a kiss.
[Applause ]
Piece of cake.
[ Woman Singing ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Saxophone ]
[ Continues ]
[ Fades ]
Whoa!
Now that's a fine animal.
Oh, yeah.
Great stud, I bet.
Now, the real advantage ofbeing here today
at Atlantic City Racecourse..
to bring you the weather
is that we've got the real thing.
No boards, no mattes,
no pretty computer graphics. Uh-uh.
The real thing.
We got the real sun,
as I predicted.
We've got the real blue skies,
as I predicted.
Heck, we even got real horses,
as I predicted.
- [ All Laughing ]
- And speaking of predictions...
hey, we even got a real winner.
Oh!
This is TaylorWorth,
Channel 5 News, Philadelphia...
- and I'll seeyou at 1 1 :00.
- And we're clear.
[Women Murmuring ]
Ladies' day at the races.
I'm a happy guy.
[Man Singing]
[Continues ]
[Vocalizing]
[Singing Continues ]
That's 1 0, 20, five-fifty.
Number seven,
Movin' Marcel, to show.
- Come on, Ned, at least bet him to win.
- Thankuou.
Hi. Fortu dollars, numberthree...
My Charlie's Angel to win, please.
Thankyou.
- My gambling fund's a little low.
- Gambling fund.
- Gambling fund?. Ned, what happened toyou?.
- Yeah.
What happened to the kid who bet his father's
golf clubs on Cindy Brownell's bra size?.
Hey, rememberwhen I bet my scholarship money
you'd flunk out before midterms?.
Yeah. What happened?.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
I settled down.
Come on, pumpkin.
Ned's actually a terrific guy,
except he's lost his edge.
When we were 1 1, he decided
we should get Mohawks.
- I shaved my head. He laughed for a month.
- You see this 50?.
- Yeah.
- And you see that 50?.
- They're not the same.
- They're not?.
No, this is three days
of nursery school to me.
And what's that?.
Champagne for two?.
- Silk panties for Mona.
- Mona?.
- Do I know Mona?.
- No, I haven't mentioned her.
You're buying silk panties for a girl
you haven't even mentioned to me?.
Ned, it's not important.
Don't worry about it.
There is no Mona.
- Taylor.
- Lizbette.
- Don't sweet talk me.
- How are you?.
How should I be?.
You asked Wendy out, my own roommate.
I know.
You workTuesday nights.
- Don't touch me.
- She said no.
- Of course she did.
- See?. No harm done.
He is my hero.
A hero should
accomplish something.
I mean, what has Taylor accomplished?.
We are happily married men.
- With curfews.
- Yeah, I'd rather be like Taylor.
Well, Taylor doesn't know ityet,
but he'd rather be like us.
Youshouldsee him with mufamilu.
He reallusoaks it up.
No, that's what he reallywants.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Hey, I'm a shrink.
I know these things, right?.
[Ned]
Oh, I'm worriedabout him.
Oh. Did you get a load
ofher legs?.
Yes.
Don't you understand?.
He is dumping her.
Tauloris stuck
in a very destructive pattern.
They hit the two-month mark,
and he is running.
It's classic-- reject them
before they reject you.
[ Guffaws ]
No, no woman is ever gonna reject Taylor.
Oh, and it's too bad,
because that's what he really needs.
Well, that's what every man really needs.
Without suffering, you don't grow.
Yeah, forget it.
It'll never happen.
If only there was something
I could do for him.
If only I could pick
Taylor's next woman.
You know, someone who will dump him first.
Someone who will give him the gift ofheartache.
- Someone with P.M.S.
- No.
Someone who's looking
for more in a man than good looks.
- And a great sense ofhumor.
- And a six-figure income.
- And glamorous job.
- Yeah, but more than that.
Someone who will
torture him a little bit.
- Ned.
- Turn him inside out. Hurt him. Like love.
Forget it.
She's not out there.
- No, I bet I could find her.
- I betyou couldn't.
- I bet he could.
- I got 1 0 bucks says no way.
You're on.
You in, Ned?.
You are both missing my point.
Taylorwould have to cooperate.
- Oh, no, no, he'll want in on this.
- It's gotta be bigger.
- Bigger?
- Two women.
- Ten women.
- Eleven women.
Well, that's not gonna cut it anymore.
You're gonna have to--
I know, stop seeing you.
- Taylor.
- Lizbette.
I'm not good enough foryou.
You've made some veryvalid points.
I oughta be able
to make a commitment by now.
Taylor, let's say
I never came here today.
- No. No. No.
- Let's just forget everything.
No, no, listen to me.
Your instincts are sound.
It's time to move on. Lizbette,
I just don't think it can be together.
Well, what am I supposed to do?.
You?. Soar.
[ Call To The Post]
[Man On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,
the horses are parading to the post...
[ Man On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,
the horses are parading to the post...
for the next race
ofthe afternoon.
[ Chuckles ]
What?.
We've got a proposition for you.
You have three months
to get engaged to three women...
- and I pick the women.
- You're insane.
Oh, Chloe, that's pretty.
Now, this is the dumbest one
they've ever come up with.
They're always trying to rope me in
on some stupid bet.
Then, when I take them up on it,
they drop like flies.
Watch.
What are the stakes?.
Your fishing cabin
against my Mercedes.
No. See, I already have a car.
I want something else.
Name it.
I love torturing him.
Picasso.
Picasso?.
It's an original.
- I can't bet that.
- Fine, no bet.
It's Claire's.
Her grandfather left it to her.
So?.
- You're on.
- You're kidding?.
- [Man On Monitor] Theu're off..
- This is foryour own good.
It's Moving Marsdale
in a chargingstart...
with Boo-boo,
Rachel's Ride...
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Dreamu Messiah
breaks fifth on the rail.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Boys, sorry I m issed the game.
- That's okay.
-[ Woman ] Diduou cripple another quarterback?
- Yeah, two.
[ Man On Monitor]
Boo-boo running their own race.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Bachelorette num ber one.
I ce goddess.
- I got 2 0 says he can't even get a date.
- Forty says he can.
Guys, a beautiful woman is one of the
loneliest creatures on the face ofthe earth.
All I needis an opening.
A ticket ofadmission.
- Bet. Bet.
- No, Chloe, horseu. Horseu.
Chloe, you see that pretty
blonde lady right there?.
I just bet she would love
to see this picture you drew.
That's pretty, honey.
Is it for me?.
- Yes.
- Oh. Come here.
Gee, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's okau.
She's a doll.
- How old is she?
- Three.
Let me get her offyour hands here.
Come on, Chloe.
Let's not bother
these nice people.
Oh, she's no bother.
I love kids.
- Well, she's for rent.
- She's got your eyes.
- Don't let her father hearyou say that.
- She's not yours?.
No, no, I wish she were.
There anureason whuwe can't
have dinnerSaturdaunight?
- I don't even knowuour name.
- Erin.
- Erin Cooper.
- Taylor.
- Taulor Worth.
- Dinner would be fine.
- Great. Andre's, 7::00?
- Okay.
[ All Laughing ]
See you, guys.
You feel free to make
the other two a challenge.
Well, so much for the bet.
[ Video Game ]
[Bou]
I'll betuou can't get this point.
They sayyou don't
know how to play.
[ Woman ]
Well, I don't know whuuou don't like him.
Claire, he was fluff..
His idol was Geraldo Rivera.
Wel l, Veronica, what did you
see in him in the first place?.
He was the first guy
I dated in ages who didn't own a VCR...
shop Brooks Brothers
and drive a BMW.
[ Claire ]
Youjust described Ned.
That's diff.erent.
You and Ned becameuuppies together.
Please, don't tell Ned that.
You know, when I first met Ned...
he had hair down to here
and he was growing marijuana in the closet.
- Ned?.
- Yeah, my Ned.
[ Sighs ]
Whatever happened to Randy?.
Oh, gone.
He got way too serious too fast.
I tell you, the harder they push,
the bigger the flaws.
You and Ned were lucky
to get married so early.
[ Claire ]
I know I was lucku.
- Although sometimes I wish I could just--
- What?.
- [ Giggling ]
- Come here.
- Sometimes I wish I couldjust--
- [ Video Game ]
There, I said it.
[ Laughing ]
Well, who doesn't?.
Who are these men?.
Who are these men?.
- Who are these men?
- [Knife Chops ]
[ Claire ]
Veronica?
[ Video Game ]
You're out ofyour mind.
Number two
is a friend of Claire's.
- [ GolfBall Being Struck ]
- She's a musician.
You can't be serious.
This is exactly the type of place
she can't stand.
These are exactly
the kind of people she hates. Hi.
And you're one ofthem.
No, you can count me out.
This bet's totally absurd.
Well, you should have thought of
thatyesterday. Afraid you'll lose?.
Ned, haveyou considered how
this is going to affect other people's lives?.
- Mulife, for example.
- Won't change that much.
You can come visit us
at the cabin anytime.
$50 a nassau.
Ten forbirdies.
Sandies are greenies.
I feel lucky today.
Well, sign.
Forget it.
Uh, you're chickening out.
Don't push me.
You're reneging on our agreement.
Am I to understand
thatyour handshake means nothing?.
It's time to teach
this guy a lesson.
[ Scoffs ]
Don'tyou wanna know
who Eleanor is?.
Come on. Aren'tyou just
a little bit curious about number three?.
- I am trying to play golfhere.
- She's right over there.
EleanorLarimore.
You're gonna love her.
She's classu.
She's beautiful.
[ Taulor]
She's an alien, right?
No, she's a human. All three women
are humans. I have a heart.
She's married.
[Ned Chuckles ]
- You're not playing fair today, Ned.
- It's a bad marriage.
- It's a bad marriage. Trust me.
- No, no, I don't.
Never have. But that doesn't matter.
I always win anyway.
You did read the fine print, didn'tyou?.
Because I have to admit...
you're being a greatsport
about this.
How will I know
that they accept your proposals?.
Videotapes.
[ Chuckling]
[ Taulor]
We have all this rain up in here.
Then we have this lowpressure--
[ Rewinding]
We have all this rain up in here.
Then, we have this low pressure front,
sweeping down--
We have all this rain
up in here.
Then we have this low pressure front,
sweeping down--
Sweeping down
from the north.
Sweeping down from--
I'm a perfectionist.
Hey, I don't try to be this way.
And it's really rough
on the women I know.
It's like there's
this critic on my shoulder.
Troubleshooter, really.
[ Chuckles ]
Example:
Say she's a cat lover.
All I hear is him screaming,
""Say good-bye to navy blue."
Hey, don't get me wrong.
I don't wanna grow old alone.
I love kids.
I certainly love women.
But I'm no Casanova.
I'm just trying to find a woman
to get past the critic in me.
My housekeeper.
Great cook.
[ Beeping ]
Who knows?. Maybe one of Ned's choices
might be the perfect woman.
Wouldn't it be great
if it was the blonde?.
Good evening, sir.
Hereyou go.
Thanks.
Okay, here we are,
Saturday evening, 7::00.
I've given Erin
a lot ofthought...
but mostly about strategy.
I can't touch her, because
ifl touch her, I'll jump her.
And ifl jump her,
I'll lose her.
Every man wants to jump her,
so I've gotta be different.
- Erin.
- Taylor.
This bet's going to kill me.
Let's getyou
back in your coat.
We're going on a picnic.
Theuflooded the zone, Kosarthrew underneath
the coverage to Newsome...
Shara totally wimped out.
Shara's my main man.
Shara tackles like he's putting
his grandma to bed.
Oh, no! Look, you may be
the Eagles' receptionist--
- Yea!
- But that does not mean you know
a good tackle when you see one.
I not only know one,
I can do one.
[ Laughs ]
Right. Right.
Okay.
Come at me.
Come at me.
No, I believe you.
No, you don't.
Let me have it.
Come on. Come on.
Come at me.
Erin, really,
I don't wanna hurt you.
- [ Yells ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Laughing ]
- I think I'm in love.
See?.
You call the plays.
[ Disguised Voice]
Good-bye, Bryan. Seeyou next week.
- [ Cap Gun Fires ]
- [Ned] I'llseeuou tomorrow, Marcu.
- How are you today, young fella?.
- Pow!
How's the bad seed?.
We're making progress.
I still thinkyou oughta send him through
a metal detector beforeyou see him.
Mm. Honey, can I
askyou a question?.
- Of course.
- Why areyou fixing Veronica up with Taylor?.
- Who areuou madat?
- I'm not mad at anyone.
Honey, Veronica is a talented,
highly respected concert pianist.
She's gonna hate him,
and he's gonna hate her.
- She's not nearlyvapid enough.
- Well, Claire...
as his best friend and as an expert
on the human mind...
I think it's in his best interests
to have an atypical congregation...
with a member
ofthe opposite sex.
- You are pissed at him.
- Yeah.
[ Woman On TV] The Philadelphia SWAT team
is still surrounding a downtown jewelry store...
where four gunmen
have taken hostages.
As far as we know,
no one has been harmed...
and negotiations
are in progress.
- [ Woman On TV, Continues ]
- Where's TaylorWorth?.
Over there.
Has been for the past twoyears.
- Thankyou.
- NovelistAnn Travers died todau...
in a freak skiing accident
in Chile.
She had broken her leg on the slopes
and was being transported to safety...
when the rescuers lost control
ofher stretcher.
Miss Travers plummeted
1,500 feet to her death.
She's best remembered for her 1 979 novel,
Aren't I The LuckuOne?
Andnow Taulor Worth
with the weekend weather.
Ann Travers, a woman
whose luck ran out.
Let's see.
How'd I douesterdau?
It did rain last night.
Got that right.
Still is unseasonably cold here on the east coast,
but I've been saying that for days.
Uh-oh, Hurricane Brenda.
Yeah, right down there
in Florida. Came to shore-- Whoosh!
You wanna talk rain?
Theu had to cancel the Eagles-Dolphins game.
And I said it was gonna stay out there
i n the ocean somewhere...
so joke's on me.
Here in uour tristate area, we have clear air
qualitu tomorrow in the Delaware valleu.
Well, Cory, what have you
got on for the weekend?.
I 'm going to the country, Taylor.
There you have it. Cory Chu,
outstanding in her field.
- [News Theme ]
- That's the news.
ForBob Mahon and Taulor Worth,
I'm Cory Chu.
- Good night.
- And we're clear.
[ Taylor ]
Okay, everybody have a nice weekend.
You have a good weekend, Taylor.
Good night, Cokie.
- Great show, Taylor.
- Thanks, Paul.
Have a good weekend, Iry.
Are you at least a meteorologist?.
This must be... Veronica?.
- You just say the weather?.
- Harder than you think.
It would have to be.
Look, Taylor, I'm gonna save us both
some time and foryou a few bucks.
I'd like to giveyou a little test
to see ifwe're psychologically compatible.
- Shoot.
- Imagine this.
You walk into a room, you see a hole
in the floor, you walk up to it and look in.
- What doyou see?.
- A meteorologist.
Reliable birth control devices?.
Perfect.
Thankyou very much.
Good luck and good-bye.
Imagine this.
You walk into a studio,
you meet a guy...
you talk to him
for a couple seconds.
- What doyou see?.
- A man who reads the weather...
- wearing a lot of makeup.
- Yeah.
Doesn't that pique
your curiosity at all?.
I mean, aren'tyou saying toyourself, ""I wonder
ifhe wears more makeup in the evenings??"'
Let me takeyou to dinner.
You can find out foryourself.
I'll call you.
I've gotyour number.
[Man ]
742 minus 619?
[Bou]
487 minus 356?
1 31.
663 minus 421?.
1 42.
Maybe on Mars.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]
[Husterical LaughterContinues ]
[Laughter Continues In Distance ]
A woman with all this
should look happier than that.
[Laughter Continues In Distance ]
It really doesn't matter.
It really doesn't matter
what shoe you choose.
Any shoe would look good
at the end ofyour leg.
Maybe I can help you
make a decision.
Walk over there.
Let me take a look.
I really can't tell anything
unless you stand up.
Nice.
How about something like this?.
- No.
- Please.
Allow me.
No.
[ Gasps ]
How does that feel?.
Fine.
Please, come with me.
How about... this?.
Try it on... for me.
[ Snickers ]
I can't come out.
[ Giggling]
It may take a while,
but Eleanor's going to blossom.
- [ Eleanor Screams ]
- [ Yells ]
[Phone Ringing]
This is TaylorWorth.
Talk to me.
[ Beeps ]
Hi, Taylor. It's Leanne.
Hopeyou're having a good time
with your foster child.
Gimme a call when Kim Su
goes back to Korea, you big softie.
- Kim Su.
- She sounded hot.
Oh, she is.
But what am I supposed to do about it?.
Between being a perfect gentleman
every night with Erin...
the perfect stud every day
with Eleanor, who has the time?.
- In or out?
- The only time I'm going to be worried...
is when I see three tapes
with three proposals and threeyes's.
By then it'll be too late.
You'll have lost Claire's Picasso,
your marriage will be destroyed.
Ned, look,
I'm your best friend.
You just say the word, we can call off
this whole stupid bet.
Raiseyou five.
Threeyes's, Taylor,
and you only got two months left.
Veronica will call. So?.
I seeyour five.
I raiseyou five.
- [ Phone Ringing ]
- Oh, shit, it's Claire.
I will... seeyou.
[ Answering Machine ]
This is TaylorWorth. Talk to me.
[ Beeps ]
Taylor, this is Veronica Briskow.
Nedand Claire are coming to dinner
tomorrow night. Whu don'tuoujoin us?
My number's 555-3299.
Bye.
- [Ned] Shit.
- Oh, and, Ned, go home.
Double shit.
- No, no, no, no, no. It's legato, legato.
- [Piano On Stereo ]
- Don't you understand?.
- Legato.
Here. Listen to it again.
I've already listened
to it three times.
- Hmm?.
- No. I don't know what legato is.
- Sounds like a boat race.
- Boat race. [ Laughs ]
- Taylor hates music.
- [Continues ]
Well, why don'tyou tell us
what legato means?.
[ Laughs ]
Nice sweater, Taylor.
It's very Brooks Brothers.
Oh, areuoustill having trouble
withuourBMW?
I can name that segue
in five words.
Name that segue.
Sweater, cold,
Alps, Germany...
[ Both ]
BMW.
[ Chuckles ]
So, what diduour managersau
about the rehab centerbenefit?
He hates it when I play for free,
but I'll do it.
Oh, great.
Thankyou.
Hell, I mean, if I can't play
for 1 5 minutes...
to keep a bunch of drugged-out teenagers
from stealing my car...
- what kindofcitizen am I?
- Yeah, a real philanthropist.
- No, I leave that to Claire.
- Mm.
My tombstone's going to read,
""What's in it for me??"'
Nothing ifyou marryTaylor.
Let's eat. Taylor, you come join me
in the kitchen.
Claire, check Ned's pockets
for hallucinogens.
Ifyou can't speak English with the rest of us,
I'm gonna have to send you home.
Mm-hmm. Come on. I wanna see
Taylor's reaction when he sees the painting.
- You didn't tell him about the painting?.
- No.
[ Laughs ]
Let's go.
Why doyou ask?.
Just curious.
I can't stand that term ""new age."
I was doing it long before it was ever called that.
I had a classical background--
Oberlin,Juilliard, the whole competition circuit.
It was basicallu
too rigidforme.
I mean, I reallu
hate that kind ofstuff..
- Remember the critic that sits on my shoulder?.
- [ Continues, I ndistinct ]
Well, he just passed out.
I mean, what the hell
am I supposed to do?.
Must be another one
ofher psychological tests.
I tell you, ifl hadn't signed
that damn contract...
I wouldn't put up
with this crap for a minute.
I thought the hole
in the floorwas hard.
[Veronica ]
So, the rest is history.
I'm having a little trouble concentrating
on whatyou're saying...
so could you just shut up?.
[ Continues ]
Taylor.
[ Laughs ]
[ Giggling ]
- Thankyou so much. It was great.
- Oh, I'm glad you came.
How about a game of Monopoly?.
- Ned, I'm a little beat.
- Ned, turn around and walk out.
Come on, Taylor.
Let's let the girl get to bed.
Now.
- Bye, Ned.
- Bye.
Oh,uou know what?
[ Chains Door]
Come on, Taylor.
Let the girl get to bed.
[BedSqueaking]
- [Taulor] How about this?
- [ Veronica Laughs ]
- Does that feel good?
- It's fine. You're crushing mu bone.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
- How-- [ Groans ]
- [ Veronica Screams ]
I 've had better times
taking out splinters.
I wish it was yesterday.
Hey, it happens.
There wouldn't be great sex
ifwe didn't have awful sex.
Awful. Mechanical.
Slightly painful.
Unsatisfying sex.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
Coulduou letuourselfout, please?
Sure.
[ Water Running]
[ Gasping, Moaning]
[ Woman Laughing]
[ Tires Skid ]
[ Tires Screech ]
I love my lingerie.
[ Giggles ]
Eleanor, what do you say
next time we just talk?.
Why?.
I don't know.
Romance?.
I get to know you.
You get to know me.
I thinkwe're getting
to know each otherjust fine.
[ Clears Throat ]
Oh, would you give me
a special signal on the show tonight?.
When you rubyour nose...
it means you wished--
[ Whispers, Indistinct ]
Thank God
it was just my nose.
[ Car Engine Starts ]
Dinner at Erin's
will be a welcome change.
You know, I thought
I'd find you here.
I'm only gonna say this once.
Erin is a flower.
A rare and beautiful flower.
And I don't know
what she sees in a guy likeyou...
but ifyou mess with her
or lay a hand on her...
I'll ripyour head off.
Seems reasonable.
Terry, I'm so glad you dropped by.
Can you stay for coffee?.
Put Taulor down.
He doesn't knowuou're kidding.
[ Laughing ]
Oh, I get it now.
Uh, I'll be in the living room.
Did you like him?.
Isn't he great?.
Yeah, he seems very nice.
- [ Purring ]
- Oh, he is.
- He's smart andsophisticated.
- [ Grumbling ]
- Uh-huh.
- Andhe's reallusweet.
He won't even start the car
unless we both have ourseat belts on.
- [ Groans ]
- [ Terry] What a guu.
I 've never gone out with someone
for a month who didn't make a pass.
I never made a pass.
You're my friend, silly.
It doesn't count.
- [ Purring ]
- Seeuou, Terry.
[DoorCloses ]
[ Grumbles ]
['"We've OnluJust Begun'"
Bu The Carpenters ]
Pookie really seems to like you.
- Pookie's a hell of a cat.
- [ Grumbles ]
- I know.
- Will there be any other Eagles
dropping by tonight?.
- I hope not.
- [ Continues ]
- Taylor?.
- Hmm.
Would you do something for me?.
- [ Continues ]
- Anything.
On your show, could you give me
some sort of signal...
to let me know
that I'm your special girl?.
Sure. Sure.
How about ifl rub my--
How about
ifl scratch my chin?.
[Fades ]
The kid deseryes her own signal.
Call me sentimental,
but I like the one in her dining room better.
Can you believe this?.
She won't go out with me.
I'm just here
to pick up mywatch.
- TaylorWorth. What's happening, honey?.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, not much.
- She left this too.
Thankyou.
It's good.
Ambivalence I can workwith.
Hate takes longer.
What areyou doing here?.
Shh.
[ Whispers ] Guess who's
the head fund-raiser for the rehab center?.
Mmm.
Come here, come here.
Seeya.
- [ Grunts ]
- Hi.
Uh, Eleanor, please, not here.
Oh, yes, here, in the lobby,
in the middle ofthe street.
In the cereal aisle at the A&P.
- Tell meyou're dying for it.
- Tell me I'm dying for it.
- Tell me I'm the best.
- You're the best.
- Tell me I'm better than the best.
- You're better than the best.
[ Both Yell ]
[ Both Snoring ]
[ Ends ]
[ Man Yelling Bravo ]
I haven't had much of a chance to get to know
yourwife, but she seems like a real gem.
- Yes.
- Uh, I don't know ifl mentioned it...
- but I'm a psychiatrist, and sometimes I can just--
- Yes.
- I can just tell a great marriage when I see one.
- Good.
Anditseems to me thatuou guus have
a reallustrong, close, good one. Am I right?
- Uh-huh.
- [ Claire ] Taulor? Taulor.
- Where are you running to?.
- Taylor.
Taylor Worth?.
- The weatherman?.
- That's right.
I love your reports!
You give the most thoroughly
detailed weather reports.
I know.
Weather's a hobby of mine.
How about thatstorm
last March?
- Was it a shock, or what?
- Your fly is open.
- What a shock.
- And that flash flood in Nebraska last May?.
- Whoosh!
- How can she stand him?.
- Your fly is open.
- Oh, honeu, honeu.
Look, TaylorWorth.
Oh. How do you do?.
Your fly is open!
Well, it doesn't make me deaf!.
Uh, excuse me.
Gotta run. 1 1 :00 news.
- Hi. How are you?.
- Your playing is beautiful.
[Veronica ]
Douou know what time it is?
I know you just played for two hours,
but may I come in?.
Just so you know
why I'm mad.
I hate it when my friends run out of my concerts
without telling me how wonderful I am.
And I really hate it when guys
come by here, unannounced...
thinking it means
that I have to let them in.
How manyyou let in there so far?.
Imagine what she's going to do to me
when I call off ourwedding.
Look, uh, you gotta admit,
you sent me some pretty mixed signals.
I mean, here's yourwatch,
because I neverwant to seeyou again.
But here's a ticket, because I wantyou
to see whatyou're missing.
Well, I saw, okay,
and you're magnificent.
I can't wait
to hearyou again.
Callme.
[Unlocks Door]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello.
- Veronica Briskow?.
- Yes.
- Hi. It's TaylorWorth.
I know this seems silly,
but I can't help it.
It's such a pretty movie.
I haven't seen it
since I was a little girl.
- Really?. I've never seen it.
- You haven't?.
- No. Two please.
- Wait till you see Dopey.
He is the most adorable thing.
- Hey, that's why I'm here. Thanks.
- Thankyou.
I actually had a different sort
of day planned.
- One that ends in a proposal.
- Hello.
Maybe ifl toss in
a honeymoon at Disneyland.
Go ahead.
- [Disneu-esque ]
- [ Sobbing ]
[ Chattering ]
It's so very beautiful.
There's so much love.
[ Sobbing ]
- What areyou doing?.
- Filming our own happy ending.
Can you move a little to the left?.
Whoa! Whoa! Right there.
That's perfect.
- Erin.
- Taylor.
Erin, I thinkyou already know
what I'm going to askyou.
And this may seem inappropriate,
because I haven't known you very long...
- but, Erin--
- Taylor.
Dear Erin, will you marry me?.
[ Erin Sobbing ]
I take it that's a yes.
Can I hear the word, please?.
Can I hear that precious word?.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, Taylor.
I will marryyou.
Take me, Taylor.
Oh, wild horses couldn't stop me.
[ Moaning ]
Ow! What?.
Sorry.
Ned, Ned. Not only am I one third
ofthe way from teaching you a lesson...
but tonight
I will by lying with the gods.
Erin, I wantyou to know...
there is no one
I would rather be with...
and nothing
I would rather be doing.
[ Both Moaning ]
- I'm so glad I waited.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm glad we waited too.
Wonderful.
No, I'm so glad I waited.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm glad you waited too.
[ Moaning ]
I'm so glad I waited.
What?.
Erin, I know this is
ourfirst time, darling...
butyou're not saying, areyou...
that this is your first time?.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Taylor, don't be upset.
I know it's notyour first time.
It's different for men.
Erin, Erin, Erin, you are very special.
You are. You are.
And you waited such a long time.
I want this to be right foryou.
Let's wait. Okay?.
- [ Kisses ]
- Let's wait till after the wedding.
Areyou sure?.
Right now, more than anything,
I wantyou inside me...
to finally know
what it feels like.
Oh, God. I'm sure.
You are so good
at looking at the big picture.
Oh, yeah, I'm looking
at the big picture.
Mm.
What?.
I'm not a monster.
Can I hear the word, please?.
Can I hear that precious word?.
Oh, oh, oh,ues, Taulor.
I will... marryyou.
Take me, Taylor.
Oh, yeah, wild horses
couldn't stop me.
[ Both Moaning ]
Ow! What?.
Ned, Ned. Not only
am I one third ofthe way...
to teaching you a lesson
and winning this bet...
but tonight I will be
lying with the gods.
[ Static ]
I'll buy.
It was my idea.
Forget it. I've been trying to
takeyou out for a month.
- Two please.
- Thankyou.
Thankyou.
Guess it's
the hot ticket in town.
[ Chattering ]
Mmm. This is better than primal therapy.
It's more cathartic.
Care for a drink?.
We have mai tai or tequila sunrise.
- Whoa.
- No, no, what did you really think ofthe movie?.
I thought it was great. I'd love to lie there
until the rightwoman came along.
You don't get it, doyou?.
She leaves everything behind-- her home,
her little friends-- and forwhat?.
For some handsome prince.
The whole ending implies that a woman
needs a man to bring her to life.
Veronica, it is not real life.
It's a fairytale.
Come on. I mean, did you ever read
The Frog Prince?
In that one, he stayed a frog until
she kissed him and brought him back to life.
Yeah, well, I've kissed a lot offrogs,
and I haven't met a princeyet.
You're kissing the wrong frog.
It's hard to find
the right person.
It's a search, a process.
I don't think it's
supposed to be easy.
Well, maybe
I misjudged you, Taylor.
Up until now, I thought ofyou
as just a pleasant diversion...
but maybe there's a well of compassion
and sensitivity in you.
- Really?.
- Not a deep well.
More like a bucket.
Or a toy pail.
You can stop
beforeyou get to Dixie cup.
You know some say
you have to kiss a frog twice.
[ Sobbing ]
- Oh, why did you ever come into my life?.
- To make you happy.
To holduou
in muarms forever.
[Woman ]
I'll neverbe able to look mufather in the face.
Look, let's get away. Let's get married
immediately. Right away, tonight.
- You mean elope?
- That's what I mean.
Where would we go? I've never did
such a thing. I feel so helpless.
[ Humming ]
Guess what. This Veronica,
she's real easy to be with...
once she stops
busting your balls.
After she agrees to marry me...
I'm gonna keep dating her.
[Woman On TV]
Don't talk to one another.
And wheneverauoung man,
and I've met some verynice ones...
Hey, hey, I thought
we made a deal.
Whoever makes breakfast
gets to pick the station.
It's halftime and I don't care
what deal we struck.
I'm not watching the Eaglettes
do the ""Born in the U.S.A." routine.
- Oh, come on. That's the best one.
- [Announcer, Indistinct]
[ Moaning, Kissing ]
[Taulor]
I admire those women.
That's because their job
is more difficult than yours.
[Announcer]
What in the world is going on down there?
It looks like the Eagles cheerleaders
are unfolding a banner or something.
""Congratulations Eri n and T ay" --
[ Phone Ringing]
[ Beep ] Hel lo, Miss Briskow.
This is Eleanor Larimore...
confirming the luncheon tomorrow.
Please give me a call.
Thankuou.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Bye, love buckets.
Piece of cake.
- Veronica.
- Hmm?.
How about if tonight
I give you a special signal on the show?.
You know, one that says
I'm thinking aboutyou.
Oh, that's sweet...
but I watch channel eight.
That doesn't bother me.
Here in the tristate area, we have high winds
coming down from New York.
But we'll have clear air quality tomorrow
in all the Delaware valley.
That's all for the weather.
Now back to my favorite
newscaster, Cory Chu.
Right after
this commercial break.
And in local news, Philadelphia City Council--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello.
- [ Ned ] Hey, buddy.
- Did you see the game?.
- Ned, I don't have time to talk toyou right now.
Things are getting a little close.
I'm 1 5 minutes late for a date
with somebody, and I don't even know who.
Well, I saw that banner on TV.
Who knows who else did?.
Hey, you know, uh, Veronica and Eleanor
are having lunch together.
I think this whole thing
is gonna blow up right in your face.
- Ned, one more thing.
- Yeah, what?.
This is getting ridiculous.
I've gotta break upwith Erin.
[Piano]
- Haveyou picked the ushers yet?.
- Ushers?.
No. No, I haven't.
Uh, Erin, we have to talk.
At Teddy's Tux, ifyou have six or more ushers,
the groom gets his tux for free.
- I have a tux.
- See, I didn't know that.
Erin, you're a wonderful girl...
and I care about you very much.
From a selfish point ofview,
I can't think of anything I would rather have...
than you be mywife for the next 50 or 60--
What are these?.
- Swatches.
- Swatches. Forwhat?.
For my dress
and the bridesmaids' dresses.
What do you mean
by a selfish point ofview?.
I can't marryyou.
- What?.
- Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess that we'd get married
and then we'd be together...
and then we'd decide
to try to have a family.
And then we'd try
for a year or two, and...
then we'd both be tested.
- Anduou would realize that I'm--
- You're saying you're sterile.
Yes.
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
Erin, you deserye better than me.
Wait a minute. You're saying that we'll never
have to worry about birth control...
andifwe want a babu, all I'll have to do
is to be artificialluinseminated.
I am sorry
they won't be yours though.
It's not just that I'm sterile.
See, I can't have an orgasm.
You mean you can just
stay hard forever?.
No, goddamn it,
I mean, I'm impotent.
[Stops ]
- Oh.
- I understand...
- [Resumes ]
you shouldn't be doomed
to a life without sex.
Now don't rush me.
It's just a lot to think about.
Could you give me
a couple of days?.
- Of course.
- Now, in the meantime...
which ofthese do you like best
for my maid ofhonor?.
[ Waiter] Yes, ma'am. Absolutely.
Yes, sir. Be right back.
[Taulor]
Two, please. Thanks.
I had to bring her. Hey.
Do you know about
our discount pass book?.
[ Chattering ]
[Intro ]
Come here.
- You want it, huh?.
- [ Giggles ]
Now. Come on.
- You be my little girl?.
- [ Gasps ] Yes.
[ Squeals ]
I'll beyour little girl.
- Will you be my mommy?.
- Oh, yes.
Oh. I'llbeuourmommu.
[Moans ]
- Willuou be mubride?
- [Squeals ] Yes.
- No. No.
- Yes.
Yes, I'll be your bride. Yes!
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh. Oh, you know your Picasso?.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that one ofthose
priceless sort ofthings...
or-or merelyworth more than
any man could earn in his entire life?.
[Woman Singing]
- [Continues ]
- You ever heard ofthe Sooners?.
- Football team?. Proper noun.
- Yeah.
But it's also a word
that can mean, like, uh, pioneers.
- Fine. Put it down.
- Great.
S-O-O-N-
E-R.
That's yourword?.
Singular ""Sooner"?.
- Yeah.
- [ Giggles ]
What?. There was only one
""Sooner" in the covered wagon.
Great word, Taylor.
I just wish you could've
thought ofit sooner.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Continues ]
- You moved it.
- Yeah. Now we can see the sun
come up behind the trees.
- You moved my bed without asking.
- I didn't bolt it down.
No?. Why do women
always have to do that?.
Usuallu, it'sjust
a fern orsomething.
Well, I'm not trying to insinuate myself
into your perfectly constructed life.
- No?. Then what was that?.
- I just happen to love waking up in your arms.
I happen to think it would be beautiful
watching the damn sunrise at the same time.
- Ow!
- Oh!
- Afraid ofa little change?.
- You are the most stubborn person...
- I have ever met.
- [ Screams ]
I like it here.
- I should've said so... sooner.
- [ Breathing Heavily]
[Continues ]
[Fades ]
He's impotent.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
What should I do?.
- I can't make upyour mind foryou.
- I was hoping you could.
How?.
I'd like to know
what I've been missing.
Wait a minute.
Do I onluget one shot at this?
- Depends.
- Yeah!
[Fast Breathing]
- Marathon.
- That's very good.
[ High-pitched Voice ]
And the mouse Olympics continue.
[ Humming ]
- Figure-skating.
- That's close.
[ Continues ]
- A pair figure-skating.
- Very good.
- And that's all.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Do one more, please, please,
please, please, please.
Okay. Okay.
But this is not a sport.
This is an entirely
different event altogether.
[ Growls ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Knuckles Crack]
[ Gasps ]
- [ Giggling ] Do it.
- [ Mumbling In High-pitched Voice ]
[ Continues, Indistinct]
- [ Crying ]
- [ Laughs ]
- I'm so happy.
- [ Laughs ] What is it?.
- Oh. Thankyou.
- I haven't a clue.
- Miss Mouse America.
- Get out ofhere. [ Laughing ]
I feel great.
After today,
I will be through with this bet.
I'll have the cabin.
I'll have the Picasso.
But best ofall,
I will have the girl.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna have to write Ned a thank-you note.
I'm not gonna call off
the engagement with Veronica.
I'm not gonna rush it either.
A couple ofyears down the line
when a little Taylor sounds like a good idea...
we'll tie the knot.
I really love this girl.
- [Veronica Whoops ] Taulor, stop that.
- [TaulorLaughs ]
Huh. Let's sit here.
Yeah. Ah.
Why do I have a feeling
it's time for a serious talk?.
You know me pretty well.
See, it's just that, um--
- Ahh.
- Taylor, you're neryous.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're my favorite person.
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
Oh.
You know, all mulife, I was convinced
I was responsible for mu own happiness.
I could never depend on anyone else
to give it to me.
But I was wrong.
You've given it to me.
Come on. Sit down.
Veronica, marry me.
Marryyou?.
[ Laughs ]
I can't marryyou. I thought
you wanted to move in together.
I do and have kids
and grow old.
Yeah, well, I'd wanna try it out first.
Live together for a few months...
- see how we get along.
- How we get along?.
How we... get along?.
You do the mouse Olympics
with everyone?.
- I think there's more to
marriage than mouse Olympics.
- Yeah. So do I.
There's a lot more.
There's caring.
Veronica, I care aboutyou very much.
You make me laugh at myself.
You know whatyou have?.
- Uh-uh.
- You have my heart.
Anduou know what?
I don't wantuou to let go.
I wanna have terrible fights with you
and know that you're not going anywhere--
or that I'm not going anywhere.
I wanna pick things out
with you and buy them.
I wanna-- You know what, I wanna--
[ Shouts ] I want a commitment.
[ Gasps ]
Make one with me.
Oh, my God. I've been
swept off my feet.
- Is that a yes?.
- Yes. Yes!
I wanna marryyou... now.
Today.
[ Chuckles ] Well, how about
sometime this month?.
I gotta tell her about the bet.
Pretty ironic, huh?.
Same thing that got me into this
could take it all away.
Poetic justice
doesn't feel so good.
That was nice.
We're here.
Veronica, I've done some things
in my past I'm not proud of.
- Well, I don't wanna hear about 'em.
- Yeah, yeah.
But, see, there's this one thing
in myvery recent past.
Something I realize in retrospect--
[ Muffled ] wasn't very nice.
Something that involved
a few innocent people.
Something that now that my,
um, single days are behind me...
I realize was not very nice.
- Areyou planning on doing it again?.
- No.
- Areyou a criminal?.
- God, no.
- Then don't tell me.
- Thereyou have it.
However, you better
marry me soon...
- like before I seeyour face on the post office wall.
- How about Saturday?.
I have to be at Claire's in three hours.
I'm meeting that Eleanor lady.
I think I could
squeeze in a blood test.
- Mmm. Do me a favor.
- What?.
Let's wait. Tell Ned
and Claire together.
You're right. They'd probably
never believe just one of us.
[ Engine Starts ]
[Dog Barking In Distance ]
- Good weekend, huh?.
- Mmm.
- Are we talking girl in love here?.
- Yes.
But I'm not supposed to say anything about it.
I promised him I wouldn't.
- Areyou moving in with him?.
- I can't tell you.
- Areyou getting married?.
- I'm not supposed to tell you.
- Oh, my God.
- [ Squealing ]
- [ Squealing ]
- [ Laughing ]
Is he a great lay?.
- Oh.
- As a matter offact, he is.
- Oh.
- Well, so. Good.
I had a chance
to marry a great lay once.
But I-I didn't.
I married Howard Sr.
The richest, sweetest, most appropriate person
I could find.
And for 1 2 years I managed
to go through life...
as-as if the rest
didn't matter to me.
And then I met this man.
How he everfound me
I have no idea.
But he knew exactlywhat I needed,
and he gave it to me.
And he still gives it me
and gives it to me and gives it to me.
And I can't think of
anything else.
- Who knew?.
- [ Giggles ] Enough about me.
- W-What's your fella like?.
- Oh, well--
- [ ChildrenArguing]
- Excuse me.
[ Child]
Give me it. It's mine.
- It's mine.
- What's going on here?.
She put a tape on.
Ada said we should never do that.
- I wanna see MaryPoppins.
- You do?
That's not MaryPoppins
and you're gonna get a time-out.
- You're gonna get a time-out too.
- Are not.
- Are too.
- Are not.
- Quiet, kids.
Go to your room.
Go to your room.
- [Taulor] Willuou marryme?
- [Woman Squealing]
[TaulorLaughing]
Was that aues?
- Can I hear that precious word?.
- Oh. Oh. Oh, yes, Taylor.
I will marryyou.
- That's myTaylor.
- That's myTaylor.
- Take me, Taylor.
- That's herTaylor.
Ned. Ned.
Not only am I one-third ofthe way
to teaching you a lesson and winning this bet...
but tonight, I willbe
luing with the gods.
Ned.
- What?.
- Wedding?.
- Wedding.
Saint James Chapel.
2:00. Saturday.
Cigar? Cigar.
Right.
You're not getting the painting.
No tape, no painting.
Ned, I cannot believe
how immatureyou are being.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Doyou expect me to showyou a tape ofthe
woman I love accepting my proposal?.
- Ifyou want the painting.
- Painting?. Painting?. It's not about a painting.
It's about human beings.
It's not about a stupidbet.
People.
[ Sighs ]
I'm ashamed ofthat bet.
It's contemptible. Really.
Plauing with people's lives
that wau.
You should all be ashamed.
Especiallyyou, Ned.
Well, I--
I never thought you'd win.
Win?.
That's not the point.
The point is I am out. Out.
- You're serious?.
- Yes.
- You're really gonna marry her?.
- Yes, I am.
Forget the bet.
Good man.
- I still get my $400 though, right?.
- All bets are off.
Hey. What about Erin
and Eleanor?.
I'll handle it.
- Hey, Taylor. How areyou?.
- How areyou, Harry?.
Tracy. Thanks.
Seeyou tomorrow.
It's Wednesday,
and everything's working out just great.
Tomorrow I'm going to have
one last lunch with Erin.
She'll call offthe wedding by dessert.
Trust me.
By Friday, Eleanor should
get this letter.
I told her it was time to put her passion
back into her marriage.
Marriage. I'm getting married
to Veronica on Saturday.
[ Giggles ]
God.
Did you ever think it was going to
work out this well?.
[ Laughs ]
[Theme toJaws ]
[Phone Rings ]
- Hi, Taylor.
- Hi.
Amy.
Do the station a favor
and call this Eleanor back.
""Thursday, 9:00 a.m.
I want to seeyou. 9:1 5, where areyou?.
9:30, I need you."
Et cetera, et cetera.
[ Scoffs ] Here's a smart girl.
""Can't make lunch today, how about Friday?. Erin."
[Man]...it will be nice to seeuou too.
Thankuou verymuch.
- Hi. Worth. 1 :00 for two.
- Yes. Yes, the young lady's inside.
[ Sighs ]
Sir, she--
Hello. Taylor.
You can't make it?
I know we got a lot to talk about.
You said you'd
make your decision by now.
No, it can't wait till next week.
It's gotta be tomorrow--
in the morning.
Uh-huh. Fine. Fine.
Your house, 1 1 :00.
Yeah. Yeah, thankyou. Bye.
Hi, Taylor--
Where are you?.
Why haven'tyou called me?.
You've been very naughty.
Mommy's gonna
have to punish you.
[ Buzzes ]
- Hi.
- Hello, Taylor. I've made my decision.
- Whatever it is, I'll understand.
- Come on in.
I may have time for a haircut
before the wedding.
[ All ]
Surprise!
- Mom and Dad, this is Taylor.
- Son.
- Oh, Taylor.
- Erin, can I talk toyou for a minute?.
- Not right now. Where is that party mix?.
- Welcome to the family, son.
- Thankyou.
- Hey. Hi. I'm, uh, Chip, brother ofthe bride.
Oh, don't worry about that. You'll have
plenty oftime for talking afteryou're married.
Like, yourwedding night.
God, I love Erin.
She's my favorite niece.
You know, it's just like her
to find somebody likeyou to marry.
I mean, what a heart
on that girl.
Always bringing home some limpin' puppy
or bird with a broken wing.
Erin. Erin.
Can I talk toyou?.
Haveyou tried the stamp test?.
- The what?.
- Thestamp test.
You take a few stamps from a roll--
enough to circleyour penis.
I'd say in your case...
about five.
Put them on beforeuou go to bed.
Overlap them just enough
so you can lick one to make them stick.
Now ifthey break off during the night,
your problem is up here.
- Want to know whu?
- Why?.
Erin!
You don't have toyell, honey.
I'm right here.
Erin. How could you
tell everyone, huh?.
This was supposed to be personal.
Honey, I just talked about it
with my family.
- And some ofthe guys on the team.
- Some ofthe guys on the team?.
- And the coach.
- The coach. Damn it, Erin.
They all seem to agree that
after the firstyear of marriage...
- sex isn't that important.
- Sex is the cornerstone ofintimacy.
Intimacy-shmintacy.
I got a hunch aboutyou, Taylor.
I thinkyour problem's just with women.
I knowuou wouldlook goodin rose,
but liluwouldlook awful.
We're not getting married.
Erin, I can't marryyou.
You can and you will.
- I wanna propose a toast.
- A toast.
- Hey. Right.
- Stay there, son.
Today is the happiest day of my life.
My little girl's engaged.
She's got herself
a wonderful guu.
Of course, I'd be a little happier
ifhe could function as a real man.
- [ Snickers ]
- But even so, it's the happiest day of my life.
- Hip-hip--
- [ Guests ] Hooray.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which noboducan denu
Which nobodu can denu
Which nobodu can denu
[Faint ]
Forhe's ajollu good fellow
Oh! Hi, honey.
You're home.
Yeah. I 'm home.
Where are you?.
I'm home too.
- I know what's bothering you.
- No. No, you don't.
- Sex.
- No.
You're afraid it's going to be routine
now that we're living together?.
It won't be. [ Giggles ]
I promise.
- Look!
- Oh.
-Jesus.
- Let's party.
[ Whimpers ]
[Lock Clicks ]
[ Panting ]
It's been a really bad day.
You probably think
I deserye this, don'tyou?.
- Go ahead. Say it.
- Who areuou talking to?
Canuou wash muback?
Hey! Hey, taxi!
[ Whistles ]
Taylor, need a ride
to the wedding?.
Yes.
I'm just gonna
drop these kids off, okay?.
[ Child ]
Mommy,Jason hit me.
[ Claire ]
Then tell Jason you don't like it.
Jason, I don't like it.
I don't like it.
- [Jason ] Good.
- Claire?. Can you drop me offfirst?.
- [ Children ] Hi, Taylor.
- We're off.
- [ Taylor] Claire, did you hear me?.
- [ Children Cheering ]
Hey, Pirate, can you move
your ice cream a little?.
[ Child ]
Maryin dropped his ice cream on Taylor.
Mommy, I lost my balloon.
Can we stop?.
- [Taulor] No.
- Sure we can, sweetie.
Claire, the wedding was supposed to
start five minutes ago.
- Taylor, they're not going to start without you.
- Left. Left!
Claire, left. Turn left.
- [ Kids Shout ]
- [ Claire ] Relax.
There's nothing
to worryabout.
Oh. I'm getting carsick.
- Now that's something to worry about.
-Jason's throwing up on me.
- Then tell Jason you don't like it.
- None of us likes it.
[ Groans ] I have to get to the wedding.
Stop the car.
[ Claire ]
You're so on edge. Take a Valium.
- [ Child ] What's a Valium?.
- It's like a nap.
- [Children ] Bue, Taulor.
- [ Claire ] Bue, Taulor.
[ Child]
Bue, Taulor.
Oh, there he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the groom.
- Where have you been?.
- 3 1 Flavors. You look disgusting.
Here. Come on.
Let's get a shot here. Huh?.
- Oh, that's nice. That's good.
- Come on. Get up there. Go. Go.
God. I can't believe it.
I'm walking down the aisle.
[ Humming ]
[Processional]
[Continues ]
Hi.
Seeing you right now
made me realize something.
Deep down inside,
I didn't thinkyou'd be here.
Thankyou for being here.
- Let's get married.
- Shall we begin now?.
Yes.
Every couple
has its own story.
It's been my obseryation that the more
interesting the story, the better the marriage.
It looks to me like Taylor and Veronica
are going to have a wonderful marriage.
All of us
are gathered here today...
to witness
and support that union.
TaylorWorth, doyou take Veronica Briskow
to beyour lawfullywedded wife?.
To have and to hold, for better or forworse,
in sickness and in health...
to love and to cherish
from this dauforward...
till death douou part?
- I do.
- Veronica Briskow, do uou take Taulor Worth...
to be uour lawfullu wedded husband,
for better or for worse...
in sickness and in health...
to love and to cherish from this dau forward,
till death do uou part?
- I 'd never marry hi m.
- [ Guests Gasp ]
And you can bet on it.
- [ Guests Murmuring ]
- [ Recessional]
Taylor, did she say
she was going to marryyou?.
And you believed it?.
- This was a setup.
- I-I don't know-- I don't know anything about this.
Ned.
[ Quietly]
Oh, God.
Claire. Claire?.
Claire. Claire.
[Toilet Flushes ]
Veronica, marry me.
Marryyou?. I can't marryyou.
I thoughtyou wanted to move in together.
I do and have kids and grow old.
Yeah, well, I'd wanna try it out first.
Live together for a few months...
- see how we get along.
- How we get along?.
How we... get along?.
- Go away.
- You do the mouse Olympics with everyone?.
- I think there's more to
marriage than mouse Olympics.
- Yeah. So do I.
- There's a lot more.
- I said, go away.
There's caring. Veronica,
I care aboutyou very much.
- Oh, the hell with it.
- [Intercom Buzzes ]
You make me laugh at myself.
You know whatyou have?. You have my heart.
Anduou know what?
I don't wantuou to let go.
I wanna have terrible fights with uou
and know thatuou're not going anywhere.
- Yeah?.
- I t's me.
- Go away.
- Are you gonna lock yourself
in there for another month?.
- I am not home, Ned.
- I've seen her.
[ Taulor On Video ]
I'm not going anywhere.
I wanna pick things out
withuou and buuthem.
What'd she say?. She mention me?.
Did she talk about it?.
- Huh?.
- Actually, I just watched her get into Claire's car.
[TaulorOn Video ]
I wanna-- You know what, I wanna--
- [ Shouts ] I wanna commitment.
- [ Veronica Gasps ]
Make one with me.
Oh, my God.
I've been swept off my feet.
- Is that a yes?.
- Yes. Yes!
- Give me that tape.
- No.
- Give me the tape.
- I insistyou get professional help.
These are classic signs
of depression. Furthermore--
- Give me the tape!
- No!
- Ned!
- No!
Yes! Ned, stop!
[ Shouts ]
What?. No. Let me go.
That's my bad ankle.
[Taulor Groans ]
[ Whimpers ]
Don't be an asshole.
There's a real Veronica out there.
- Who hates me.
- You don't know that.
Ned, I proposed to her
to win a bet.
- Yeah, that's pretty fucked.
- It was your idea.
Well, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it would be a good idea
foryou to suffer.
Yeah. Well, here it is.
Take a goodlook.
Hopeuou're happu.
You hate me, don't you?.
You hate me.
- No.
- But you have every right to.
But I assume since
I'm not out there on the street...
with that tape
that you've forgiven me.
Am I right?.
Well...
maybe Veronica
could do the same with you.
I think it's different
between a man and a woman.
Not as different as you think.
Maybe that's been
part ofyour problem.
- Claire forgiveyou?.
- Yes.
But I had to ask, hmm?.
Well, beg, actually. Beg.
Thanks.
Ournext item comes from...
Ournext item comes from...
ourgreat football team the Eagles.
Ofcourse, theu're great now.
For those ofuou who grew up here as I did...
you remember what theu used to be like--
everyuear theu were in last place.
So manuuears, we used to read
the sports page upside-down...
just to get a feel i ng what it'd be I i ke
to see our team i n fi rst place.
- [ Laughing ]
- Well, we have here a great item.
It's a jersey worn by
ourvery own Terry Childs here.
- Now who's gonna start the bidding
on thisjerseu?
- Two hundred dollars.
Come on. The man sacked
Elwautwice wearing this veryjerseu.
- Let's go.
- Three hundred dollars.
Sold for $300.
Our next item for auction
has to be the special one of the evening...
and I expect the biggest
response to this one.
We all enjoyed Miss Briskow's playing
earlier this evening.
Well, she has graciouslu
donated to the highest bidder...
an evening performance
at a private party.
How's that?. Miss Briskow,
would you come up?.
Come on up. Takes a lot ofguts.
I'd never do muact in a house.
Meet me at the kitchen.
Please don't eat that.
I have a chicken joke. It's great.
Put down your sandwich.
I have a chicken joke. It's great.
Put down your sandwich.
Okay, now. Let's open up
the bidding at $200.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Four hundred dollars.
- Six hundred.
- Six. Do I hear seven?.
One thousand dollars.
Ohh. One thousand dollars.
Going once. Going twice.
[Man ]
Two thousanddollars.
- I heard $2,000.
- Twenty-two hundred.
- Three thousand.
- Thirty-two hundred.
Thirty-two hundred.
Going once.
- Going twice.
- Fourthousand dollars and a fishing cabin.
- Fishing cabin?.
- Taylor?.
Look, it's our very own
Channel 5 weatherman...
- Taylor Worth.
- [ Whistles ]
Okay. Uh, do I hear 4,200?.
- Forty-two hundred.
- Fortu-two hundred. Okau. Going once.
- Going twice--
- Not so fast, David.
Fortu-two hundred dollars,
a fishing cabin...
and a publ ic proclamation
ofwhat a creep he is.
[Scattered Laughter]
- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- I'm a creep. I'm a bastard.
- He's a great lay.
- I knew it.
I don't deserye you.
I know that.
But I can't imagine not loving you.
You're bold. You're splendid.
You're intriguing. You're a whole lot ofthings
I never knew mattered.
Veronica. Veronica.
Save me.
I beguou. Marryme.
- Is that all?.
- And a Scrabble rematch.
- Unlimited mouse Olympics?.
- I'll even become a meteorologist.
Then kiss me.
[ Cheers ]
Soldfor$4,200,
a fishing cabin...
a public proclamation ofwhat a creep he is,
a Scrabble rematch...
unlimited mouse Olumpics,
he'll become a meteorologist and a kiss.
[Applause ]
Piece of cake.
[ Woman Singing ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Continues ]
[ Saxophone ]
[ Continues ]
[ Fades ]