Would It Kill You to Laugh? (2022) Movie Script

You know them.
You love them.
They are the most iconic
comedy duo of all time...
Kate Berlant and John Early.
Now almost 20 years after...
Now almost 20 years after
their infamous falling-out,
they're finally reunited.
I'll find out, can
Kate Berlant and John Early
put the past behind them...
And make America laugh again?
Hey, yo,
I think I'm kind of a Kate.
Oh, yeah, you definitely a Kate.
Oh, wait, that makes me a John.
The moment the world
has been waiting for,
Kate and John together again.
Shh! It's starting.
With me, Meredith Vieira.
Good evening.
I'm Meredith Vieira.
In a world divided more
and more every day,
there's one thing we can
all agree on...
Kate Berlant and John Early
are funny.
From their hit television series
that started it all,
"He's Gay, She's Half-Jewish,"
to their record-breaking
blockbuster films,
they are arguably
the most iconic
and influential comedy duo
in the history of entertainment.
So what happened?
As they tap-danced their way
into the hearts of billions,
behind the scenes was a story
of discord, deception,
and artificial insemination.
Tonight the two of them
will sit down together
for the first time
in almost 20 years
for this exclusive "POV,
Point of Vieira" interview.
Come on in.
- It's a pleasure.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you for doing this.
Oh, here he is.
- Meredith.
- Oh, wow.
Hello, there.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for having us.
Let me let you have your moment.
I-I, um...
This is a shock.
- Wow. Wow.
- To actually see you,
I actually have to remove these
to finally actually see.
- Hi, Kate.
- Yeah.
There you are.
It's your friend John.
I really want to know
what went wrong?
Oh, it's, like,
really cute here.
Yeah, this is
a really cool group.
John, I did not read the book.
Oh, please, me neither.
it's not that kind of thing.
- Oh, it's more of a hang.
- It's more of a hang.
- Okay.
- Okay, cool.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Thank you.
All right, welcome everyone.
So we're here today to discuss
"Clancy's Reward" by Paul Floor.
And as usual, we're gonna
just try to adhere
to a nonhierarchical format.
Jump in when you feel moved
to speak.
And with that, in that spirit,
I will stop talking.
I'll start.
I just felt like
the whole breaking away
from the auto-fiction trend
was so self-conscious
and, like, it defeated
its own purpose.
I thought it was exhausting.
It felt like one long apology.
Floor is trying to attend to...
I mean, like, boo-hoo,
you have another book deal?
Fucking blew my mind.
What am I in, a Paul Floor book?
Kate, John,
do you want to share some
of your initial impressions
or thoughts about the text?
- I loved it. I loved it.
- Loved it, completely.
Loved it completely.
Loved it.
Loved it in a way
where I'm just, like,
"I loved it, period."
What did you love
about it, Kate?
You know what? You know what?
You know what? You know what?
I think that people who look
like me
have had the stage for so long,
the microphone for so long.
I just kind of feel like,
as a way to rectify, like,
the sins of my ancestors...
You know, by the way,
I hate you guys.
I really do.
I'm gonna give the floor
to someone else.
Uh, John,
do you have any thoughts
that you want to share?
I mean, any impressions
you have are welcome here.
Well, I'm gay.
I'm gay.
And I just want to get right
out in front of that, you know,
'cause I have to wake up
to that every morning.
It's not just a hat
that I can take off.
What did you think of the book?
Where were you guys when you
finished it? I'll start.
I remember being in my bedroom
and getting to the end,
and going...
From, like, that feeling
of completion.
Yeah, I felt like for me,
the book was so, like, big.
I kind of had this experience,
like, kind of being, like,
"I'm so little."
You know, kind of, like,
almost, like, crushed by it.
But equally,
I was really interested
in this dynamic, Ted.
I was equally interested
in this dynamic,
kind of, like, being almost,
like, on top of the book,
But sometimes
there was such liberation,
such a pleasure and kind of
feeling myself being erased...
and kind of going...
It was that push and
pull that I found so erotic,
obviously, but also...
And I don't think
we marry eroticism
to play enough culturally
because we're so focused on...
a 9:00 to 5:00.
It's fine
if you didn't read the book.
Like, honestly, it was bad.
Like, I wish I didn't read it.
It's fine if anyone
didn't read it, you know.
There are people in this room
who didn't read the book?
I read it.
There are people in this
fucking room who didn't read
the fucking book?
Okay, I mean...
- Fess up!
- Yeah.
Um, I definitely read the book.
I made notes.
It is kind of hurtful
if people didn't read the book,
'cause, like, if you take time
to read it
and people didn't,
like, it just sucks.
It sucks.
We know you didn't read
the book, but it's okay.
You can stay
and, like, you know,
watch the conversation.
Is there a toast smell?
Are you guys smelling
that toast?
Who brought a toaster from home
and is making toast
during this book club?
I'm just saying,
there's a burning...
Oh, John, John, John, John.
Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Kate, I'm fine. Sorry.
It's a little... I'm fine.
Just a burning-toast smell.
If you legitimately smell
burnt toast,
that's cause for concern.
Casey, Casey, I'm fine.
I just think someone outside
maybe is making toast,
maybe a friendly neighbor, and
it's just wafting through the...
- Oh, my God. W-W... Oh, my God.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Maybe we should call
an ambulance.
John. Oh, my God, we can't
continue the discussion.
Oh, my God. John.
Does this happen to him often?
- I finished the book.
- John. John.
- I finished the book.
- He finished it.
He really finished it.
- Babe, did you call 911?
- Yeah.
Are you proud?
I finished "Clancy's Reward."
You should definitely call
an ambulance.
I'm so sorry to have to end
the discussion early.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- We can't continue.
- We came prepared.
Welcome back
to "Point of Vieira."
I'm Meredith Vieira.
Let's get back
to our exclusive interview
with Kate Berlant
and John Early.
How does it feel
to be sitting here together
after so many years?
I needed this.
I think I'm actually now
really looking around...
- Cathartic.
- It's really cathartic.
- Yeah.
- I'm getting a little dizzy.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh.
- I'm fine.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna move through it.
- Okay.
But I'm getting a little dizzy.
- For you, John, same feelings?
- Uh...
- I'm sorry.
- I feel really good.
- We can't hear you, sweetie.
- I feel good.
You look... I'm looking at you.
It's so strange 'cause you look
12, but you also look 60.
And I love the shading,
and you finally found
a foundation that matches.
You know, it's so funny.
Obviously, I haven't seen you
in years.
Yeah, I know, years, years.
You know, I haven't seen you
in person,
Um... I haven't seen you
in person,
but I also haven't seen you
just kind of reflected
anywhere in the culture,
so what have you been up to?
I've been really good.
I've been busy.
I've been in New York
doing theater.
It's just kind of
the first love of mine.
But, mostly, I'm busy
with my foundations.
That is really
what keeps me occupied.
- You have foundations?
- Yeah.
I've started many foundations.
And that's where I really pour
my energy now.
- What foundations?
- My foundations.
Which ones?
A lot of work,
but it's so worth it.
Which foundations?
- Which foundation?
- Name one.
Which foundation would I name?
Do you see?
One of them, yeah.
Which foundation, you know,
and if you come down
to the office...
It's almost Irish.
Which foundation?
I didn't go Irish
at all with that.
I didn't go Irish
when I said foundation.
Now she's fully Irish, so...
You, mister,
I can't go anywhere
without seeing your face.
I know.
I saw you in the movie
where you play the genie.
Oh, yeah.
I walked in on
my friend's dog watching it.
The dog was completely
fixated on you.
That must have
been hard, though.
I know you got a lot of flak
for playing the genie.
People are so vicious now.
Oh, my God, I should've
congratulated you on the kiosk.
- What kiosk?
- Should've led with that.
Yes, congrats on the kiosk.
Um, Kate has been selling
- Oh, my gosh.
- At the airport.
This little kiosk at
the airport with your candies.
No, I don't sell candy
at the airport.
Pralines and nut clusters
and toffees...
- I don't sell pralines.
- And little whoopsie daisies.
I don't sell candy
at the airport.
It's just not what I heard.
I don't think anyone's
ever told you I do that.
I can't believe I'm saying that.
Kate, I'm not attacking you.
It is just not what I heard.
Well, I don't have a kiosk
at the airport.
Mutual friends
have reported that you have
a kiosk at the airport
where you sell candy.
I do not sell candy
at the airport,
and no mutual friends
have reported that
'cause that would be a lie.
- Sorry, is it cold in here?
- I don't think so.
Yeah, I just feel a little cold.
John inquired about
the temperature of the room
upwards of 14 times
throughout the interview.
I started those meds
you told me about.
Yeah, you seem really good, man.
I feel good.
I feel really good.
Didn't I tell you
the first month
is a little tough with nausea?
But then you just overcome that
hump, and it feels so good.
Yeah, my receptors
were completely gnarled.
- Yeah. Are you sleeping well?
- Like a rock.
My head hits the pillow now...
I'm out immediately,
two minutes max.
Yeah, buddy, I'm the same.
I'm the same thing.
No, you seem
to have really leveled out.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's really cool to see.
Yeah, yeah,
I told you we're doing,
like, a lot
of home-renovation stuff.
We're actually doing
some renovations, too.
Oh, no way.
Yeah, a buddy of mine's
helping me out with some...
You know that wall between
the living room and the garage?
- Yes.
- We had that knocked down.
Oh, so the garage is exposed
to the living room?
- Totally exposed.
- Oh, no way. No way.
You know that wall
that separates the bedroom
from the bathroom,
like, the main...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We knocked that down.
- Oh, amazing.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, my daughter's room
at the top of the upstairs?
Oh, yeah, for sure.
There's that utility room
next to it
with the boiler,
hot water heater.
Yeah, we had
that wall knocked down.
- Okay.
- So now the boiler is kind of
in the room with my daughter
as she sleeps.
The renovation stuff is,
like, you have to.
I don't want to interrupt,
but a check for you.
No interruption.
No, absolutely not.
No, no, no, let me get this.
- No.
- Do not listen to this guy.
Don't take his money.
- Oh, do you take hot caramel?
- Of course, yeah. Of course.
- Very cool. Thank you.
- He insisted.
- I surrender.
- I insist.
She's gorgeous.
Yeah, she's beautiful.
Yeah, you know
that row of homes
right across from our place?
Yeah, we went ahead, had
all those homes knocked down.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
So when Kara's cooking
in the kitchen, she looks out,
and it's totally open.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I would love
to bring Sasha over there
and see how you guys
opened the space.
And I know Sasha would love
to see Kara.
Kara would love to see Sasha.
This is, like, Mediterranean
food, technically.
Yeah, it's my trip.
She was really nice.
Did you valet?
Yeah, same.
Oh, my God.
It's not gonna fit.
Give me a second before you
make these bold declarations.
No time is gonna make that fit.
Had I put this
in the checked bag,
we would've gotten a fee,
an exorbitant fee.
You know what?
I'm just gonna hang on to it,
read on the plane...
It'll be fine.
You are not gonna read
that thing.
Yes, I am gonna read it.
This line is not moving.
We are at standstill.
Oh, God.
I just hope I get on the plane.
They're boarding.
They're boarding.
Hey, hey, what's up, folks?
How would you like to breeze
through the security line
today, huh?
What is does that mean?
My name is Frankie.
I'm with Breezer.
Breezer, what is that?
What is Breezer?
It's a VIP experience
at the airport.
Could have you at your gate
within five minutes, huh?
F-five minutes?
Damn, boy, you're strong, huh?
- Ask how much. Ask how much.
- How much is it?
You don't need to worry
about that.
You won't even be charged
for the first month,
and you could cancel anytime.
Well, that seems low risk.
- Yeah.
- That seems low risk.
Sorry, are you
with the airport, again?
He's with the airport.
Let's go, Blake.
Off your phone, buddy.
Okay, okay.
Hi, there, I'm Breezer.
Let's get started.
Just need a ID and credit card.
Oh, okay.
You have ours.
Do you have Blake's, too?
Yeah. Here you are.
Now I just need you to look
at this red dot here.
- Oh.
- Just look right in there?
Yeah, let's get you scanned.
- Oh, oh.
- Following guest.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
No, I-I didn't like that.
Right here?
- You go.
- Three, two, one.
Oh, should it sting?
There's a stinging.
Ah, it's in your mind.
Oh, and you are not gonna
want to hear this,
but if we go to Disneyland,
we're stopping
to visit my sister.
Oh, Anaheim.
She just got through chemo.
I haven't even called her.
That's hilarious.
You're not listening.
Congratulations, folks.
Welcome to the Breezer family.
- Oh.
- Thank you so much, Frankie.
No problem, baby.
Just head over to that sign
that says Breezer
and breeze on through.
Okay. Okay.
It's just $240.
That's half off the first year.
If we want to buy back
a retina scan,
it just takes 90 days,
and all we have to do
is appear in court.
- Oh, I'm sorry, $240?
- I'm hearing myself.
- I feel violated.
- We've been scammed.
It's the naturalization
of these daily indignities.
Next thing you know,
your auto-enlisted
in the goddamn military.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Blake, get off your phone.
Oh, well, at least
we're gonna get through.
I'm gonna confront him.
- David.
- Oh.
Hi, Phil. Hi, Chris.
Dave and Ellen.
And oh, it's Blake.
Kayla, it's Blake.
Hi, Kayla. Hi, Katie.
- So this is crazy.
- I know.
- Where are you guys going?
- Los Angeles.
- No, that's where we're going.
- Stop.
- For two weeks.
- We're going just for 10 days.
Both: Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Isn't that just,
like, serendipity?
- Yeah.
- Where are you staying?
At this place that was
highly recommended...
- For ease, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Fun, fun, fun. So amazing.
- That's great.
How about you guys?
We got a little place out
in Malibu.
Oh, wow.
You know, we tried
to get off the beaten path.
We're going on a hike
out by the Hollywood sign.
Yeah, see the Hollywood sign.
Always wanted to get that shot.
I heard you can't get up there.
You can't.
There's no access.
- No, there is, though.
- No, no, no. No, you can't.
You cannot hike
to the Hollywood sign.
100% you cannot hike
to the Hollywood sign.
No one can.
Well, tell that
to our travel agent.
There's a whole thing...
Someone hung themselves
up there.
Oh, God.
That's so horrible... suicide.
- Oh, no.
- Jesus.
Oh. Sorry.
Are you...
You're reading that book?
That's a client of mine.
I know him.
He's a client?
- Yeah, he's fantastic.
- Paul Floor is a client?
- Crazy but fantastic.
- Wow.
No, I'm loving it so far.
I'm loving it so far.
And, Blake, how are you,
Mr. Man?
- Fine.
- Oh, well, you...
Both: Oh.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
It's so good to see you.
I have to say, we're a little
anxious to get to the plane,
although we're part
of this new...
Do you know Breezer?
It's kind of
a concierge VIP service.
It kind of gets you...
Exclusive service.
Yeah, you can bypass
the whole line and get there.
- It's in the name... Breezer.
- It's not cheap.
But it's worth
kind of the peace of mind.
We love it.
You've not read the article
about Breezer?
You didn't give them
your credit card, did you?
- Y-yeah.
- Whoa.
Yeah, you're gonna probably
have your identity stolen.
You're kidding.
No, no, no, you do not want
to get involved with them.
They're gonna take
all of your information.
Did they do the eye scan?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's out there.
You can buy back your retina,
oh, so don't worry.
Folks, folks, I can take anyone
who's in first class
to our expedited line.
- Oh, my God, it's us.
- Guilty.
Anyone in first class.
It was so fun running into you.
I love your top.
It's so cute.
We'll see you on
the Walk of Fame, huh, buddy?
- Okay, cool.
- Bye. Bye.
- It is good to see you.
- You look amazing.
Have you been doing something?
- No, but you look great, too.
- Okay. Love you.
Bye. Love you, too.
What was that?
I know.
- What the hell was that?
- It's a hustle.
I do not like the way
he talks to you.
I shut down, did you feel that?
I did.
I really felt myself
powering down.
You were gone.
I don't have the energy anymore.
Maybe three years ago,
you know, when the boys
were really small,
I had the energy.
But now, I've grown past it
and I can't do it anymore.
That'll be... Oh, oh, oh.
I see right through you.
First class,
well, that'll be us.
So crass.
We know you're first class.
It's right there in the clothes.
I can see by the rose gold
on your iPhone case, bitch.
Thank you. By the way,
the baggier the clothes,
the bigger bank account is...
Oh, we have to get you
a new one of those.
We have to find...
'cause this, it should stick.
Mom, Dad, our flight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
should we breeze on through?
Let's go. Let's go.
- I'm getting a new suitcase.
- Wipe the slate clean.
Oh, you know what?
This is above five ounces.
I've got to chug this.
I'm having a residual sort of
dull pain from the retina scan.
It's a dull present pain.
- You both are married?
Both: Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Very happily so. Very happy.
- So happy. So happy.
- How is Mark, by the way?
- Mark's so good.
He says hi.
He sends his love.
Well, send it right back to him.
- How's Keith?
- Keith is great.
Keith is great.
We're great.
- He's been good?
- He has been good.
I've really lost track
of the breakthroughs.
Mark and I pull back a layer,
there's another layer.
Pull back a curtain,
there's another curtain.
It's constantly unfolding.
It's almost like an onion.
I don't think anyone's
ever talked about that.
The layers of an onion
and the way you peel it back
and there are more layers.
We have a marriage
that just keeps evolving.
Mark and I don't separate.
We follow each other.
We share one towel.
You know, we're really committed
to no barriers between us.
That's disgusting.
We don't go anywhere
without the other person.
The emotional breakthroughs,
the physical breakthroughs,
if I can, if I can go there.
Please go there.
No, physical sexual
chemistry... white hot.
We just...
We are like two teenagers,
just kind of skin against skin,
just kind of...
- No, when skin hits skin...
- Yeah, yeah.
Over years, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I, uh...
Mer, the sex is good.
I think maybe we'll get off
that topic. I think that...
Mark can work the middle.
We should really switch gears
once again.
Shake that off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Let's talk
about something positive.
You both are married, both
happily married and children...
How many kids do you all have?
I have a couple.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I've got a four.
I know how many kids I have.
I have four, yeah.
Do you know the names
of your children?
- Go, name them.
- Huh? Say?
Say the names of your kids.
I will.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
- Marsha.
Two more, honey.
I'm almost there.
- Manda.
- Last one.
And they're all different
heights, which is so fun.
Really, still?
They're all different heights.
Yeah. And which ones
were IVF? Which ones...
How are your girls?
I know that you board them
upstate and rarely see them.
They go to a school
that's amazing,
and it's on a farm.
And the kids really, you know,
work with produce.
It's for kids with extreme
behavioral issues...
Biting, snatching, stealing,
pushing, scratching.
You had those scratches.
I remember that.
When we come back,
I finally get to the bottom
of the ugly truth.
What ripped Kate Berland
and John Early apart?
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Very nice.
Next group.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two...
And hold.
- What's up?
- What?
I want to take this
from the top, guys.
- Okay, cool. From the top.
- Okay.
No, no, no.
Your top, just your top.
Five, six, seven, eight.
And stop.
- Just say it. What?
- Yeah, we can take it.
- Yeah.
- I'm just trying to think
of terms that'll stick,
you know.
Both: Wow.
- Okay.
No, no, it's not bad.
It's just not what we rehearsed.
- Got it. No, point taken.
- Yeah.
You're making
your point so clear.
Good job. Good job for making
a point so clear.
Okay, let's concentrate
on the movement.
Yeah, I would love to focus
on the movement.
That's what I came here to do...
Focus on the movement.
- Great.
- Here to dance.
Just distribute the weight
evenly on your feet.
Very top.
One, two...
We know, you know what I mean?
Okay, let's just take a beat,
because I don't think anything
I say is gonna get through
right now.
So, everyone,
water and snack break.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I don't want to take a water
and snack break.
I want to work.
Back in line. Back in line.
Honestly, I think
this is just a matter
of not enough rehearsal.
Try to talk to me
in a way that actually
allows me to learn
because I feel completely
dragged through the mud.
I feel completely alone up here.
My hands are tied,
and I can't dance
if my hands are tied.
This is not
what's going on here.
- Then that's gaslighting!
- Yeah.
That's gaslighting, mama!
If you're denying our reality,
if you're saying
that what's happening to us,
our lived experience isn't real,
that's textbook gaslighting.
It actually is.
Okay, because what I see,
my lived experience
is that Riley... Sorry, Riley,
but you're asleep at the wheel.
- Asleep.
- Me?
- Yeah, Riley, you.
- Yeah.
Sloan has her hand up.
I think you guys
are really good,
but you just get
in your head maybe.
Both: Sloan.
I'm just really glad
that your mom's at jury duty
and isn't here
to see this today, bitch.
Maybe we should take a break.
It might be good for us
to blow off some steam and...
Oh, pick me, pick me.
Shut the fuck up, Cha Cha.
this is not a big adjustment.
And why am I hard on you?
Because you're good.
Because you're good.
You're better than this.
Both: Yeah.
- Okay?
- I know that we have it.
I think we're under, like,
a lot of stress.
Let's actually go now.
Let's actually go.
Let's go now.
It's actually good to go now.
I'm ready now.
Yes, snap to two.
- Snap to two.
- And one, two, three, four.
- What the hell?
Both: Whoa.
Oh, my God. What is that?
What is that?
- Where is that coming from?
- It's coming from the window.
Don't pop it.
All: Don't pop it.
Don't pop it. Don't pop it.
Don't pop it.
Where the heck did the bubble
come from?
Like, it came from the window.
But, like, where would
a bubble come from?
It was, like, big.
And then it came down,
and no one touched it,
and it just popped by itself.
- It did! Totally by itself!
- I know!
Okay guys, now get in
position... let's do the dance.
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah.
Put this right into the dance.
All together,
five, six, seven, eight!

Yes! Yes!
John, Kate,
that's what I'm talking about!
Good job, everybody.
Good job.
Good job.
I was gonna say
we could rehearse
at my dad's house tonight
and then watch a movie.
We could get something
from Redbox
or even just stream something.
- Yeah!
- Okay.
That's a snack.
I've never get used to it,
- Hey, Bella.
- Wait up.
Whenever you're ready.
- Where are you going?
- Uh, the bathroom.
- You should pay the check.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
I forgot my hot plate.
I left my hot plate at home.
I know exactly where it is.
It's in, like,
the front hallway.
I can see it,
like, in my mind's eye.
Like, it's literally
on that little end table
we have next to the front door.
It's okay. I can get it.
'Cause I leave it there...
Oh, thank you.
It's not a problem.
I'm used to it.
What do you...
What do you mean by that?
You know, I just, like, think
you should know.
Know what?
Like, I would just want
someone to tell me
if they sensed a pattern
in my behavior.
And the pattern that I'm
sensing is that you never pay.
You always forget
your hot plate.
Like, you always
forget your hot plate, yeah.
Do I?
I will just say, like, even if
I had brought my hot plate,
like, look
at where the outlet is.
Do you see the outlet?
It's, like,
just right of center.
It's, like, on your side.
Yeah, it's dead center
on the table.
It's just right of center.
It's dead center on the table.
Okay. Yeah.
That's not how you even measure.
It's dead center.
This is how they used
to do it, sweetie.
I'm just saying, like,
the outlet,
see how its faced towards you?
Like, I know my cord.
Like, if I had my hot plate,
like, I know my cord.
It would not have reached there.
Mm, it's really fine.
I've got it.
So I just think
it's a more streamlined
experience for you.
Okay, so you had
the orchard bowl,
and you added grilled chicken.
And you added yuca.
To share.
I mean, I got it to share.
It's not a shareable.
Oh, my god, so stupid...
I knew that we should've
gotten the carafe of Prosecco
instead of getting
individual glasses,
'cause I knew that I would get
one and that you will get two.
And, ultimately,
it's just a lot more expensive.
Okay. It's fine.
I've got it.
And the lavender mead.
You wanted to try the mead?
I think I've had a crazy week,
just 'cause, like,
my roommate, like...
my roommate died.
And, like, we can't get in
touch with her parents.
- Your roommate died?
- She died, yeah.
And we're, like, all trying to
get in touch with her parents.
Like, none of us can get
in touch with her parents.
Really insane that you
haven't mentioned that.
No, I know.
It's a really huge loss...
Your roommate dying.
And you can't get in...
both: Touch with her parents.
- Yeah.
That's crazy.
I don't...
Yeah, that's... I don't really...
And, yeah, uh...
Oh, shit. I forgot tip.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Fucking hell.
Do you need to change?
- No, we're good. Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, Jesus.
We're, like, really sorry.
I'm, like...
I'm, like, really shaking.
That was,
like, the craziest thing
that's ever happened.
- That was insane.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, should we go?
Do you need a ride?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Let's go to one
of my favorite clips
"He's Gay, She's Half-Jewish."
Take a look, guys.
I didn't know
you were doing this.
Yeah, man.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Jake, what's gotten into you?
I've lost my keys and my wallet.
What's next, my gag reflex?
Wait, that could be good.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
See, I look at that, and I go,
"What happened?"
- That was magic.
- That was. Thank you.
- That was magic.
- Yeah.
So what went wrong?
How do you go
from that to this, to this?
You know, Meredith,
I don't know.
I don't know what went wrong.
- I mean...
- I don't know what went wrong.
John, I think
it was you suing me.
I think that's...
- What sparked the lawsuit?
- You know, I don't know.
After all these years,
I still don't know.
But gun to my head,
I would say I did it for sport.
Yeah, I did it just consciously
to hurt you.
Thank you for the honesty there.
Thank you for creating
an environment
where I could be that honest...
It feels really good to say it.
- Yeah, very brave.
- Well, it's refreshing.
- I feel brave.
- Good.
Well, the lawsuit...
I know they said it resulted
in you dividing up
comedic mannerisms...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Between the two of you.
Is that right?
Yeah, we did.
So who got what in that deal?
Let's see, I got crossed eyes.
Oh, you got
the crossed eyes, huh?
Only fair 'cause that
was always her crutch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what did you get?
- John got this.
- Oh.
Well, no, no, no, but she's
doing it.
That's mine.
That's mine.
You just did mine.
And now we have it on record.
So she's actually
crossed a boundary.
You've crossed a legal boundary.
- John did...
- You crossed a legal boundary.
- Thank you so much, honey.
- Bye, babe.
- You were amazing.
- Thanks, babe.
- You killed it.
- See you tomorrow.
Kate, you were so funny today.
Oh, John, I was dying
all day... I almost broke.
Seriously, I was looking
at you, and I was like,
"Okay, that's my best friend
and my chief collaborator.
Like, did I win the lottery?"
No, you're, um...
No, you were killing me.
You really, um...
This what?
What are you...
You, me... us.
What about us?
You've never thought about it?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Kate, what are you doing?
Okay, I guess
I misread the situation.
Literally what are you
talking about?
All those years of
collaboration, drunken nights...
Always right in line, right?
Never crossing the line.
Okay, Kate, I'm exhausted.
We've been shooting
for 13 hours.
Drop the bit. This isn't funny.
It's not a bit.
It's not funny
for the first time in my life
I'm dead fucking serious.
This is making me
really uncomfortable, Kate.
Oh, my God, John.
I just want to fool around
a little bit, blow off steam.
Ew, I don't need
to blow off steam.
'Cause you seem
pretty tense, brother.
Okay, you are unrecognizable.
You're born C-section, right?
Y-yeah, why?
So no part of you
has ever touched a vagina?
Jesus Christ.
I'm just saying,
we're all pink in the middle.
Oh my God!
I'm going home.
Clearly, I struck a nerve.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, John.
So fucking stupid!
Oh, my God.
What did I do?
If I compromised the shoot,
I'll kill myself.
Kate, Kate, Kate, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay. You're fine.
I have to make it up to you.
Oh, God, let me make it
up to you, please, please.
What can I do?
What can I do?
I'll give you a foot massage.
Come on, I've given you
a foot massage before, John.
I know your back's killing you.
My doctor says everything
starts with the foot
and then radiates up
to the back, yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
- Okay.
- Give me that foot.
God, feet are incredible.
How so?
They carry us...
our whole lives, every step,
taking our weight,
feeling the earth.
If I run my finger
along this ridge,
I can feel the calluses formed
from years of tap dancing
for executives.
And, you know, all I have to do
is drag my finger
three inches to the right.
That skin is so sensitive.
You're so receptive to my touch.
You feel it everywhere.
How can something so strong...
be so sensitive?
What would it take for the thing
that's carried weight
for so long...
to finally let itself
be carried?
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, whoa. Where'd you go?
Don't look at my feet.
Don't touch my feet.
Don't look at my feet.
They're hideous.
No, not on my watch.
You don't talk
about yourself like that, okay?
You're beautiful,
every part of you.
No, I'm not.
God, I wish you could see
yourself the way I see you.
What do you see?
I see someone who's been running
for a really long time
and is finally starting
to get a little tired.
- I'm so tired.
- I know.
- I'm so scared.
- I know, baby.
What are you scared of?
I don't know.
Being seen, I guess.
And if I saw you,
what would I see?
Someone who doesn't see
- What don't you see?
- Myself.
- Why don't you see yourself?
- Because I'm scared.
- Of what?
- Of being seen, I guess.
- Okay, so we're looping.
- Yeah, yeah, totally.
So I'm just gonna break us
out of this.
What if I told you
that you are enough...
right now as you are?
I want you to look
in the mirror...
and I want you to tell yourself
that you're enough.
Sorry, so am I looking at you
or at myself because...
- John, look in the mirror...
- Totally, totally.
And tell yourself
that you're enough.
- I'm enough.
- I don't believe you.
Me neither, yeah.
I'm enough.
- Again.
- I'm enough.
There it is.
Oh, I'm enough.
I'm enough.
I'm enough.
I'm enough.
I'm enough.
Tragedy averted today
when a local father
stopped a rogue gunman
from opening fire
on airport travelers.
But the father insists
he's not a hero.
Uh, I did what
any husband would do.
I did what any father would do.
I'm just glad I was in the
right place at the right time.
We're so proud of him,
and we're so glad he's safe.
And now we can just continue on
with our vacation.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
It was finally time
to pay a visit
to America's favorite
two-bedroom apartment...
The set of
"He's Gay, She's Half-Jewish."
Having not stepped foot
on the hallowed studio lot
in many years,
Kate Berland and John Early
warned me,
it was sure to be
an emotional afternoon.
Kate, you're not
gonna believe this.
- Oh, my God.
- Still gets me.
Oh, my God.
Kate, Kate, the couch.
Try bottomless...
mimosas that is.
There is no heartache
a boozy brunch with me tomorrow
can't remedy.
Bloody Mary full of grace.
Oh, my God.
- You guys need to get this.
- So much happened here.
This couch.
I know I'm horny
because I just read this
as "bareback pecan."
Do you remember
I tried to buy it?
- Yes, yes.
- They wouldn't give it to me.
And, actually, it was a bit
contentious with the producers.
So I said, "Well, I gave
my life to the show."
Oh, oh, John.
Oh, my God.
Sweetie, are you okay?
What? From what?
That looked like a real tumble.
- Are you okay?
- From what?
From the fall.
I didn't fall.
Honey, I'm homo.
I'm afraid to ask.
I tried to decorate
my first Christmas tree,
and I guess my Jewish
half took over.
You remember this spot.
John would always be...
I wonder if there's still...
Oh, this has to have
been there...
It's probably been there
for 15 years.
John always had his stash,
little bottles of gin,
hidden around the set.
Where else?
Now I'm on a...
Oh, I remember this.
This is one of my books here.
John, you're not gonna
believe this.
Still stashed all over the set.
I was actually impressed
by that.
I used to always say that he's
tanked, the ratings haven't.
No. No. Oh!
They did it.
Um, come in here.
Yeah, we were one of
the first multicamera...
- First show.
- First show?
First show, period.
We were the first
television shows in...
We were the first.
We were the first
television show in history
to show someone, uh,
actively taking a shit.
I happen to hold
two world records.
I was also simultaneously
the first gay man
in television history
to be seen taking a shit.
It happened again!
People come up to me,
and they go,
"Thank you for being
a woman on screen."
And there's
so much shame... sorry.
'Cause kids watch the show,
and they go, "That's a woman."
There's so much shame
that we have culturally
around these bodily functions.
And I was one of the first
Jews to break into Hollywood.
It's a responsibility.
You know, is it not just
another function of the body?
It can be a lot
of responsibility.
Is it no different than pee?
I'm so moved.
I'm so moved.
Is it no different than talking?
No. It's an opening
and closing of an orifice.
It's the same as this.
I love this painting.
Hey, get...
You're gonna want to get...
This is really...
An answer to this,
because, oof, yeah, Grandma.
I know, Grandma.
I don't know what to do.
It's like
with each promotion I get,
I become more
and more undatable.
Will I ever find someone?
You're a catch.
There are many eligible men
in this city who will celebrate
your success with you.
You just have to be patient.
Thanks, Grandma.
Sorry, they serve seltzer
on tap in hell.
The actress
who played my grandma...
- Dominique Reich.
- Dominique.
It was such a loss
to the show, of course,
but also to
the comedy community at large
when she passed away,
especially for me.
You know, I was lucky enough
to have fostered
a real connection
with her on set.
Meanwhile, I actually
fostered her daughter.
After she passed.
She left a lot
of her assets with me.
Actually, I rent out
some of her properties
still to this day.
I remember I had to rent out
a dance space
just to work
through some of my grief
that wasn't verbal.
Sorry, do you hear how just
with "fostered" and "rent out,"
you're literally
just kind of free-associating
off the language that I'm using.
I always loved these chairs.
Our researchers
at "Point of Vieira"
were able to confirm that
the actress Dominique Reich
did not, in fact, pass away
and currently resides
in Long Beach, California,
with her wife
and three children.
- She always...
- He always gets me.
Yo, can we go again?
Let's go again.
It's really nice
you two are processing this
because these wounds
clearly run deep.
They do.
They really do, Diane.
Oh, God.
Sweetie, it's Katie.
- Oh. Katie.
- Uh, it's Meredith.
Both: Meredith.
- Meredith.
- I'm always switching the two.
So how do you move forward?
You know, if I knew,
I'd tell you, Mer.
Call me when you figure it out.
Uh, I think self-care, right?
I think self-care is the answer
to all global issues.
Do you think there's any way
after today
that you could possibly be
friends again?
Did our waitress
say anything yet
while I was in the bathroom?
- We've yet to be acknowledged.
- Unbelievable.
- It's unbelievable.
- Just say something.
- Just say something.
- Just say you're a fan.
Say it... so we can move on
and enjoy our meal.
By the way, she doesn't even
need to be a fan.
She just needs
to acknowledge the work.
Well said, well said.
When we walk into a room,
there's a charge.
That charge, if you don't
acknowledge the work,
it can't release,
it can't be defused,
and then you're forcing
all the other patrons
to sit kind of suspended
in the charge.
And I'll just say this,
and I'm going to say it once.
If you don't do
a verbal acknowledgement
of the legacy, send a round.
Send an appetizer
at the very least.
Bruschetta, something...
Something symbolic,
something small,
something small
from the kitchen.
If you're not gonna
literally say it...
both: Say it with the kitchen.
Say it with the kitchen,
and then we know,
and then we can relax.
- The hostess was a sweetheart.
- The hostess knew.
- When we came in...
- She knew.
Her knees almost buckled.
I sensed it.
She was beside...
At least in the eyes,
she was beside herself.
She was beside herself.
Yeah, she's so sweet.
Our waitress, though...
Our waitress...
Something's off.
- She's frozen.
- She's frozen. Poor girl.
- What is she afraid of?
- Something's wrong.
I think maybe socially she's
a little behind her peer group.
No, no,
there's something at home,
something generational,
something very early.
Stop. I think she's coming.
- Is she empty-handed?
- She has a round of drinks.
She has a round? Okay,
I'm gonna turn ever so lightly.
She smiled, John,
so it's happening.
There's a little smile
creeping on her face.
Here she comes.
We can settle into the fact
that it's happening.
It's happening.
She knows how it works.
That's our round.
That's our round.
I haven't wanted to say this,
but she's charmless.
- She's charmless.
- The distaste.
The poor taste in that, John.
The gall.
To not have the gall,
the sense of self enough
to buck up, smile,
and, "I'm a fan."
I'd like to have
a word with her.
I'd like to follow her home,
give her a little scare.
- Give her a little scare.
- Knock on her door.
Finally she opens it.
Then the look on her face...
I can go, "Ah, so now
you acknowledge the work?"
She's coming. She's fucking
coming to the table.
Is she?
Well, you'll notice...
Yeah, no round.
Right here with your check.
No rush, of course.
- Why do I feel rushed?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just have to say,
I'm a huge fan.
I-I grew up on
"He's Gay, She's Half-Jewish,"
and to have you two
together like this,
it really brings me joy.
So the banana split's
on me tonight.
- Oh, thanks, doll.
- Thank you, doll.
Huh. Okay.
Now, that's class.
And did you see
the color in her cheeks?
Mm-hmm, that's grace.
I'll just say it once.
Was that so hard?
Was that so hard?
No. What an angel
and such poise.
Such a way of her, such a zest.
- Yes. Yeah, of course.
- Real something.
You know, I would love to
know her story, pick her brain.
Actually, we should get her
back here... where is she?
We'll get her name
when we leave.
- I just want to leave...
- I'll ask them matre d'.
You know, they still make
my favorite wedge...
It's an impeccable wedge salad.
Oh, dear. Oh.
Here we go.
How long was I out?
No time.
- Kate?
- No one saw.
- Kate, where are you?
- Right here, darling.
- Where are you?
- Right here, doll.
Dollface, right here.
Oh, there you are.
- No one saw.
- You absolutely sure?
- Absolutely sure.
- All right.
Do I have anything in my teeth?
Do I?
All clear.
All right.
Mm, mine's ready.
Mine too.
Both: One, two,
together on three, and three.
All right.
Oops, missed a sleeve.
Yeah, it's us.
A sidecar and a martini...
Love it.
Hello, hello, hello.
How are you?
Why don't I take
a lap over there?
'Cause you already
got that side.
Oh, I didn't get that far.
Yes, it's us, it's us.
You can say something.
Don't be shy.
We don't bite.
Oh, they're in our usual booth.
Your meal's on us.
I'm kidding.
Oh, very nice, a prime rib.
Now, where... I'm lost.
I'm lost.