Write & Wrong (2007) Movie Script

And she was lying in the grass.
Ah, damn it.
And she could
head the highway breathing.
And she could see
a nearby factory.
She's making sure
she's not dreaming.
See the lights of
a neighbor's house.
Now she's starting to rise.
Take a minute to--
And she opens up her eyes.
I need you to move your car,
and I need you to pay your rent.
Billy, I need you to--
To get a job, I know.
I'm back there writing
very funny stuff,
but no one's paying me.
Yeah, join the club.
Well, what's got you on edge?
I have a pitch at
Olympus Pictures.
- Can you believe it?
- Impressive.
But I really mean it
about the rent stuff.
I can't cut you anymore slack.
I need the money.
You look great.
Good try, won't work.
Move it.
Better put your top up.
It's supposed to rain.
Yeah, right.
You know it never
rains in California.
Moving into the universe,
and she's moving
this way and that,
not touching the ground at all,
and she's up above the yard.
Hey baby, nice
lips you got there.
You want something
to do with them?
You want to plant one on me
just for practice, honey?
You one of those Hooters girls?
Oh, no, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No doubt about it.
She isn't sure about
what she's done.
No time to think
about what to tell
him, no time to think about
what she's done, and she was.
Oh, for God's sake.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
And she was looking at herself.
And things were
looking like a movie.
And she had a
pleasant elevation.
Oh, Ms. Langdon, how you doin'?
How you doin', Piv?
I don't think I've ever seen you
with the top up on this car.
I don't think I've
ever seen that.
Oh, yeah, well, this rain.
You know what you need to do?
You know what's hot?
It's bad weather,
it's bad weather.
That's right.
You need to write a script
about global warming.
That's what you need to do.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Good to see you.
You too.
Be good.
The world was moving.
She was right there
with it, and she was.
And she was.
Hey, hey, hey, and she was.
Your script was good.
It's just not the kind
of film we make here.
Oh, because, you know, Steve has
a track record that's pretty--
Steve doesn't run
the studio anymore.
Since when?
He was fired last night.
That's awful.
Who's replacing him?
Lev Jordanson.
Lev Jordanson?
Isn't he head of
accounting or financing
or something like that?
Your, uh, agent didn't send
me your current writing credits.
Uh, would you like to
take me through them?
Um, OK.
There's "Gina's World."
It was 1987, right?
Ugh, horrible year.
I started kindergarten
and my brother was born.
OK, there was "The
Countess of Brooklyn,"
of course, nominated for an
Oscar, poster in your hallway.
Right, vintage Hollywood.
Love them.
Uh, your agent said you
had something to pitch.
Yes, I do.
OK, impress me.
All right.
So, a devout Catholic hit
man, being a good soldier,
decides to take the
murder rap for his boss.
Sorry, I-- I gotta--
I gotta take this call.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Oh, fine, crazy busy.
Listen, I'm out of
creamy chamomile.
You think you can put
me up a few ounces?
'Cause dry skin's back in town.
OK, great, I'll have
a messenger come pick it up.
Thanks, Gin.
You're the best.
My facial consultant.
When the Santa Anas blow in,
they so mess up my complexion.
So, yeah.
All right, anyways, so
he gets a life sentence.
Wait, who does?
The innocent hit man--
Devout Catholic?
So 30 years passes.
He's released from prison.
At this time, he's about 60.
So he decides he's going
to turn state's evidence.
The FBI needs a safe house to
keep him in until the trial,
so they put this devout Catholic
into a Jewish retirement
A Jewish retirement village?
Sounds a little
too ethnic for us.
You-- by ethnic--
You don't mean too
Jewish, do you?
It's always a tough sell.
And another problem,
your hero is too old.
No, Stacy, come on.
You're not saying that your
young demographic can't
identify with someone older?
I mean, I'm assuming
they all have parents
and grandparents, right?
Well, yeah, but I
don't think they want
to see them like carry a movie.
"Bridges of Madison
County" did very well,
and "Meet the Fockers"
was a huge hit.
And Stacy, each one of
those Fockers was over 45.
It's about putting bodies
in the seats-- bodies that are
between the ages of 14 and 28--
Young bodies that see the
same movies over and over,
and then buy the DVD, and
then play the video game,
and buy the soundtrack.
Yeah, well, you know,
instead of putting
it in a retirement
village, hell,
let's set it in a high school.
Yes, we are always looking
for high school projects.
But we like to give
those to writers
who are a little more like--
Closer to that age.
Yeah, here's the deal, Stacy--
When we get older,
we don't get dumber.
We start out stupid,
and then get smarter.
Sorry, your idea is
just not our cup of tea.
But thank you so
much for coming in.
Oh, you know,
Stacy, you wouldn't
know a good idea
if it bit you in
that tight little teenaged ass.
I refuse to dignify
that with a response.
Yeah, well, that's
because dignity
is about as foreign to you
as a set of real boobs.
And I'm 24.
Is that you?
Oh, hey, Steve, yes.
Um, I-- I just dropped
my lipstick down here.
Sorry to hear about you.
One of treacheries
of running a studio--
Hired to be fired.
How about Andrea?
- Fired too.
- Ugh.
But I'm hoping that
when I land a new job
that she'll be coming with me.
- How are you doing?
- Me?
Oh, well.
I-- I'm-- I'm doing great.
Thank you.
I always enjoyed
reading your scripts.
It's just, uh, I haven't
seen anything for a while.
Yeah, well, you know, sometimes
it's tough to get it past the
palace guards to the emperor.
Well, maybe I'll be emperor
again somewhere else soon.
From your lips to God's ears.
Thank you.
- Um, nice seeing you.
- You too.
Good luck, Steve.
Yeah, you too.
Good afternoon, PTA?
Good afternoon, PTA?
Good afternoon, PTA?
Excuse me?
I haven't seen you in--
You can't go in there.
Marty's in--
Uh-- Ed, I'll
call you right back.
I just had my career judged
by a prepubescent cheerleader.
Good bye, Cheryl.
What do you have
for me next, Marty?
Pitching a fetus?
I mean, what do
these guys do, stick
scripts up these
kids' asses the second
they pop out of the womb?
Are you finished?
Yes, according to Ms.
Congeniality, I am finished.
So I heard.
She called.
She didn't sound
too pleased, either.
You know what I had to
do to get you this meeting?
Oh, please, what is
it now, a mercy meeting?
Son of a bitch.
Oh, this is pathetic.
I actually think
that this may be
the best script I
have ever written,
and she dismissed
it in 10 seconds.
She is an idiot.
OK, Byrdie, but
you know what else?
This is the first script
you've finished in three years.
You know, you fell
out of the loop.
This studio has
produced two of my movies.
But things change.
People turn over.
You know, the new ones
don't know your work.
I was nominated for an Oscar.
That was 21 years ago.
And the rumors?
What rumors?
Oh, no, no, no.
I am on the wagon.
I am so on the wagon that I
am driving the freaking wagon.
You and I both know that
this is not about me
calling some bitch a bitch.
This is about age
Yeah, well, and you're
not the only one, OK?
You know, I'm fighting
to keep my job.
Marty, you are a
founder of this agency.
Yeah, well, you tell
that to those young minnows
out there circling
me like sharks.
Well, then what the
hell am I supposed to do?
I mean, do I really have
to get my face yanked back
like I live in a wind tunnel?
No, no, but you know what?
Next time you talk
about your credits,
just-- just lop off
everything before 1990.
You know, oh--
Uh-- I need a job,
so I will be good.
So I will be a very
good little writer.
And I need you to be
a good little agent
and just get me some meetings,
you know, with people over 12,
if they exist?
Legitimate meetings.
OK, I'll make barely
noticeable incisions
under your chin and in
the contours of your ear.
OK, you won't really
be able to see them?
Oh, no, no, it's
right in the contour.
Like so.
Wait, no, that looks like
a slash from ear to ear.
No, no, no, that's
just the diagram.
- Don't worry.
- All right.
And then once the face is
lifted away from the skull--
Wait, excuse me,
did you just say face
lifted away from the skull?
Well, yes, well hang on here.
Oh, for God--
What, you just ripped
her face right off of her--
But then the skin is
stretched just far enough
to achieve the desired look.
Which is, hey, I've
just seen a ghost?
No, no, no.
You'll look startled for
the first three weeks,
and then voila,
no more wrinkles.
No, relax.
I've done thousands of these.
You'll look fabulous.
Oh, OK.
Um-- I'm just going to use the
powder room just for a minute,
Oh, sure, it's down the
hall, first to your right.
Oh, I'm just going to
take this with me in case
there's a sprinkler
malfunction in the ladies room.
I'm so glad you came, sis.
Me too.
It's one of the few places
I can go where I'm not
the oldest person in the room.
Byrdie, uh, nice to see you.
Hey, Gloria.
You look fabulous.
I love it here.
What can I get you to drink?
Uh, let's see,
nothing alcoholic.
I'll just get some red wine.
OK, I'll get it.
So, sis, how's work?
Peter, this is a party.
We don't need to
talk about work.
Speaking of work--
I just want to
remind you to send
me your invoices
and receipts so I
can get a start on your taxes.
You'll have a very easy
time on my taxes this year,
because all my invoices piled up
will fit right in your pocket.
So not a good year.
Not so much.
Byrdie, you might
want to start thinking
about, well, moving on.
You mean dying?
No, of course not.
You know what I mean.
I do know what you mean,
Peter, because you're
very serious Peter.
Byrdie, I'm just trying to--
Somebody lied
and told me there's
- a party going on in here.
- Oh, look who's here?
- Oh wow.
- Jason.
- Hey.
- Oh, come-- hurry up.
Oh, I'll hurry
so you can hug me.
My mom's losing her mind.
- She's going crazy.
- Oh.
Still pulling my coat off.
You remember Chloe, right?
- Yes, hi.
- Look at you.
Hi, dad.
Hello, son.
This is Aunt Byrdie.
Aunt Byrdie, this is Chloe.
Hi, how are you?
Very nice to meet you.
Well-- come on.
Yeah, yeah, no, thanks for
pointing out the obvious.
How's work?
It's good.
It's all about 15
units per month.
Mostly high-end, seven
series, five series.
Last week I won
the sales contest.
Wow, you know, my
nephew, a born salesman.
Speaking of which,
you really should
let me upgrade you out of that
junker into a brand new Beamer.
I guess I could change my
image if I was in a new Beamer.
You want a leaser?
I want a loaner.
All right, I'll
see what I can do.
Oh, speaking of
which, you want to see
- my fancy new business cards?
- Sure.
You ready for this?
Pretty fancy.
Jason Krueger?
What, the family name is not
good enough for you anymore?
Car salesmen always use aliases.
Oh, yes, so you can stay one
step ahead of the lynch mob.
It's from my favorite
movie when I was a kid,
"Nightmare on Elm Street."
Yeah, I get that.
Lead character
was Freddy Krueger.
People love it.
I get it.
I would cut off my left
nut to be in your business.
Hm, don't start chopping.
It's a really rough business.
And if everybody could do,
don't you think everybody
would be a freaking writer?
Come on, it's all the same.
You're selling cars.
You're selling movies.
It's all about
bells and whistles.
Hm, you got me there.
And that's why people are buying
these SUVs, because they don't
want to get run off the road.
You know, you've got
to think about this.
Up in the power
position, looking down
on all the midgets and their
outdated midget mobiles,
you know what I mean?
I mean, you listen
to music, right?
You don't listen to
music on cassettes.
You don't watch
movies on videotapes.
This is just the next
generation in safety--
A zillion airbags surrounded
by a cushion of air.
Well, I hadn't thought
about it like that.
Ah, what about gas consumption?
Oh, that's a good question.
Let me grab this
real quick first.
Krueger here.
Hey, Sal, how are you?
No, no, the sun roof
is completely optional.
Are you kidding me?
Your wife could have
quintuplets and there
would still be plenty of room
back there for a marching band.
Dinner will be
ready in five minutes.
Yeah, coming quick.
All right, buddy.
There is nothing sexier than
a tiny woman in a big car.
All right, listen, I'm
gonna give you my card.
You're going to stop
by the show room.
Absolutely no pressure,
just come look at it.
All right, thank you.
Good to see you, Amy.
You too.
You always have your phone ready
while you're making a pitch.
So you were--
Talking to myself.
That twit Stacy Herskowitz
told me Steve had been fired.
Yes, but now he might
be going over to Monolith.
Hmm, and he's promised
to take you with him?
How did you know that?
Ah, because I've
been around forever.
In fact, I am now
so old and so unhip,
I'm no longer a productive
member of society.
That is so unfair.
Your films are an inspiration
to people like me.
Andrea, I wouldn't let anyone
in this town hear you say that.
It just pisses me off.
You should be an executive, not
morons like Stacy Herskowitz.
I would love to be.
Steven promised to
promote me a year ago,
but it never happened.
And now if I'm going
to move to Monolith,
I'm sure it's going to
be back to square one.
No, no, when you
get to Monolith,
you've got to stand
up for yourself.
You've got to say,
I am mad as hell
and I'm not going
to take it anymore.
Someone already said that.
Yeah, well, it won him an Oscar,
even though he was dead by then.
Why didn't you ever have kids?
Oh, because I had
my ovaries bronzed.
They hang from my view mirror.
Besides, to do that,
you have to have
one of those sperm injectors.
What do they call them?
Well, what about adopting?
A child?
God, but I could adopt an
adult. I could adopt you.
I'd be very generous with you,
and I wouldn't have screwed
you up during formative years.
I love your hair.
That is a mercy compliment.
No, I-- it's very pretty.
I am being just a
little bit victimy.
Pity party of one.
Pity party of one.
The skin was softer than
it should be for a man his age,
and his eyes deep and sad.
He reached for his glass
and cradled it in his hand,
sharing his warmth with the sun
and releasing the earthy aroma
of his favorite drink.
Get out of here.
So, are there any
questions so far?
Well, if anyone does
have a question, uh--
Um, I-- I do.
I have a question.
How old was Ernest
Hemingway when
he wrote "A Farewell to Arms"?
Well, that's not exactly
the kind of question
I was expecting.
But yeah, I happen to know that.
He was 30.
How did you know that?
Let me see, uh--
Oh, yes, I have a PhD in English
Literature and I teach at Yale.
Whoa, fancy pants.
I'm sorry, you are?
I am Byrdie Langdon.
And you-- you are
author Ray McDeere.
Byrdie Langdon the screenwriter?
I know your work.
I mean, I've written things.
I mean, I've never written
anything like, you know,
"A Farewell to Arms."
I mean, I never wrote
anything like that.
I wrote sort of crap--
Well, I mean, it's not crap.
But anyway, I'm really
sorry I interrupted.
And now, I'm going to be going.
Where are you
going, Byrdie Langdon?
Well, I have a pressing
engagement with my Uncle Jack.
Yes, I happen to
be well acquainted
with Mr. Daniels myself.
Then I will give
him your regards.
And I will be
stealing your book.
I'll pay for the book.
Hey Byrdie, it's Marty.
I got you a legitimate meeting.
Call Cheryl for the details.
Looking out
the window I see, la, la, la,
la, la, somebody I don't know.
I've been waiting
so long to see,
la, la, la, la, la, for
this moment to arrive.
Oh, and I'm still here,
hey, yeah, I'm still here,
I'm coming loud and clear,
yeah, I'm still here.
My films are my children.
26 babies have come
from these loins.
Very virile.
And most have gone
directly to video.
And I'm always
looking for new writers.
Well, good.
So when do we get started?
This would be the third in
my trilogy of decap films.
Excuse me?
Have you written any
female decap movies?
No, no, I can't say that I have.
Now, male decap movies, that's--
That's where my heart is.
Good afternoon, PTA?
Hold on, please.
Excuse me, Miss?
It's that same woman again.
She just blew right past me.
Uh, you can't go in there.
Decap movies, Marty?
Is that what I'm reduced to?
You're not Marty.
What-- where the hell is Marty?
New Guinea, at
their film festival.
New Guinea has a film festival?
I didn't even know
they had electricity.
Sorry, Byrdie Langdon.
Ah, Richard Fleiss.
So why are you
in Marty's office?
Actually this is my office now.
See, we divided up Marty's
clients, and I got you.
Well, that's really flattering,
but if you don't mind, I'm
going to stick with Marty.
He's been my agent for 15 years.
Yeah, Marty is being phased out.
Phased out?
You mean like last
month's computer software?
Stuff happens.
He's had a good run.
So have you.
Oh, I'm phased out too?
It's a natural progression,
the circle of life--
Someone dies, someone's born--
"Lion King."
Good one.
I've got-- I've got one too.
You can't just eat the orange
and throw out the peel.
You know where that's from?
The Tropicana commercial?
Close it's from a
little play called
"Death of a Frickin' Salesman."
Yeah, heard of it.
Never saw it.
Isn't that early Dustin Hoffman?
Richard, if stupidity was
pee, you would be a urinal.
Hey, let's not
get bitter here, OK?
Age impairment is not a crime.
You still have the rest
of your life to enjoy.
Point taken.
What did you do that for?
For everybody over 40.
You know this, uh--
This is tough for me,
but I love her so much.
Ever since they removed
her brain tumor, I--
I can't talk to her.
I get around her
and I'm tongue tied.
I say all the wrong things.
I can't be like you, Mr.
Smooth with the ladies.
Call her on the phone.
I'll tell you what to
say, and you'll say it.
She'll fall in love
with you and never know
it was my words drew her in.
That's great.
Why didn't I think of that?
Because Cyrano de
Bergerac already dead.
Yes, the answer is yes.
I'm flattered.
Who-- I mean-- but why me?
Because you're
cute, and you're 25,
and you can charm
the pants off a nun.
All right, that's true.
But nobody knows me.
How am I going to get
my foot in the door?
OK, this is your ticket.
"Father and Son"?
Never heard of it.
Yeah, but have you ever
heard of "Kramer vs. Kramer"?
- No.
- No?
Why are we eating here?
Isn't this place
a little budget?
Because I wanted to be away
from people in the business,
plus I'm poor.
OK, "Kramer vs. Kramer" just
happens to be one of the best
screenplays ever written.
And I have taken the
liberty of changing
only the names of the
characters and the title,
thus "Father and Son."
It will no longer be
written by Robert Benton.
It will now be written by,
God help me, Jason Krueger.
Hey, that's me.
So the plan is, I send
this script on your behalf
to a Ms. Stacy
Herskowitz, and this
will be your writing sample.
Wait a minute, so what if
this Stacy what's her face
recognizes the story?
She won't.
She has similar tastes
in movies to you.
I'm pretty sure
that's condescending.
So what if this Stacy lady calls
your agent and asks about me?
Believe me, if the
studio's interested in you,
Richard Fleiss will have
his face so far up your ass
he'll say hello to your lunch.
OK, so what do I do if this
Richard Fleiss guy calls me?
No, you don't pick up the phone.
You need to make him
squirm for a while.
It'll make you more valuable.
All right, and then what?
And then after they have
read you brilliant script,
they will, of course, pass
on it, because it's good.
And they don't like
things that are good.
But Stacy will call
you into her office,
and she will want to hear any
of your other swell movie ideas.
OK, yeah, I don't have any.
I know.
I do.
That is the whole point
of this conversation.
OK, focus.
- Come on, Casanova.
- No, I mean it.
I love it.
So what happens if
we sell a script?
And then I write it and
you put your name on it.
So what's in it for you?
- Revenge.
- Revenge.
And money.
We split it right down
the middle, 70-30.
You're only going to take 30%?
You're funny.
OK, so pitch is--
Byrdie Langdon?
Oh, hey, Ray.
That's right.
- How are you?
- I'm well.
Yeah, I'm fine, fine.
Uh, this, uh, this is
my-- my niece, Molly.
Yeah, oh, his niece.
And this is my-- this
is my nephew, Jason.
Your nephew, right.
And how is your uncle?
- My uncle?
- Jack.
Oh, that uncle.
Oh, he-- he's great.
He sends his regards.
Molly has been, uh, showing
me all the Hollywood hot spots.
I bet she has.
Oh, she-- she has, actually.
Uh, do you mind if we--
- Mind if we join you?
- No, of course.
You know, we are
just leaving because we
have a script meeting,
but, um, but you know,
why don't you take our spot?
It's pretty crowded in here.
Ray, good to see you.
- It's great to see you too.
- Thank you.
- Jason?
- I just--
And, uh, nice to meet you.
You're a very
lucky little niece.
- We're leaving.
- Jason.
All right.
Well, I guess we'll sit here.
OK, so let's start again.
Pitch is 50-year-old
fashion designer.
She used to be the
hottest game in town.
And she, oh, by the way,
still has more talent
in her little pinky than
the rest of those hot shots
have in their entire ass.
Anyway, she can't get
hired because of her age.
So she plucks this smart,
sexy, beautiful black girl
out of the ghetto and she
fronts for her designs.
So it's exactly like
what's happening to you.
You think, Jason?
Uh huh.
All right, so anyway,
write what you know.
That's my motto,
write what you know.
It's very clever of you to
put it in the fashion industry
instead of Hollywood, because
there's no sense in biting
the hand that feeds you.
That hand's been starving
me for years, Jason.
So if you were the
over-the-hill fashion designer,
I guess that makes me the
very young, attractive,
and sexy black ghetto chick.
So I have a question for you.
Who's the guy back at the cafe?
I don't know, just some
guy I don't really even know.
Some guy you don't really know?
- No.
- So you didn't know him?
No, I don't.
I mean, like, hey, hey,
I know him like that.
I don't know him.
So why were you so quick
to get away from him?
I wasn't quick.
- Oh, you were a little quick.
- No, I wasn't quick.
- Kind of scurried off.
- I wasn't quick to get away.
- We were leaving.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Why were you blushing?
Come on, he was with his niece.
I know.
She was cute.
- Yeah she was.
- Hmm.
- What?
- Nothing.
- What?
- You love him?
You want to smooch him.
I don't want to smooch him.
I don't--
You totally want to smooch him.
I want to slap you.
Hi, uh, Jason Krueger, writer,
here to see Stacy Herskowitz.
OK, hold on one second.
Test us.
You'll be put in an urn,
and head home afterwards
to watch as the world turns.
OK, you're going to want
to take a left here,
and then follow
the directions to back here.
All right, cool.
Thank you.
Uh, have a good one, man.
You too.
Is it OK if I sit here?
No, of course, of course.
Make yourself comfortable.
So, Jason, Richard
raves about you.
Your agent?
Oh, right, my agent.
Of course, yes, yeah, no,
he's, uh, he's great, huh?
Oh my gosh, I have so
much respect for him.
Who doesn't?
Oh, oh, sorry about that.
It's just been
really busy lately.
I usually put it on vibrate, but
I just tend to get too excited.
I'm sorry about that.
Perhaps that was too
much information.
Jason Krueger, where
have you been hiding?
"Father and Son" is a
terrific piece of writing.
Wow, thank you very much.
I mean, it
needs work, of course,
but it just touched my heart.
Well, it's kind of true.
Sadly enough, my
mom actually split when I was,
uh, when I was six years old.
Oh, that is so sad.
No wonder your characters
are so finely drawn.
Well, I can only write
from life experience.
You know, otherwise it just--
It feels dishonest.
I wish more writers
felt that way.
Unfortunately, "Father and
Son" isn't right for us.
The father is too old
and the son is too young.
Our key age demographic
won't relate.
But if you have anything
else you'd like to pitch,
I'm all ears.
Stacy, do you know
how many kids our age
come from broken homes?
No, I don't.
Just think about it.
What about your, uh,
what about your friends?
What about your colleagues?
I guess quite a lot.
What about you?
The divorce rate among baby
boomers is over 50%, Stacy, 50.
We are the children
of those baby boomers.
That means that half of us
have lived through that misery.
You want to talk about
key demographics?
Stacy, you and I are
those key demographics.
Hey, Byrdie, it's Jason.
What are you doing?
You were supposed to call
me after your meeting.
Yeah, I've been
a little tied up.
What are you talking about?
Why are you whispering?
Where are you?
I'm in Stacy's apartment.
I don't even want to know why.
I closed the deal.
What do you mean?
You sold the pitch?
No, I didn't have a
chance to pitch the new idea.
I sold the script.
What script?
"Father and Son."
Isn't that awesome?
God, no.
No, Jason, this is not awesome.
What are you talking about?
What's wrong?
Why the hell did you do that?
What do you mean?
That's what I do.
I sell things.
I thought you'd be
happy about this.
Jason, this script is
word-for-word "Kramer vs.
You can't sell it.
It's already been sold,
and shot, and released.
It's my mom.
And it was a huge hit.
For God's sake, you watched
the damn movie you crackhead.
So yeah, I watched it.
I mean, I just-- but it's--
I thought they did remakes.
You know, it's-- it's all
they seem to do is remakes.
They are not going to
look at this as a remake.
They will call this stealing.
Studios don't look
kindly upon stealing.
Are you familiar with the
term massive lawsuits?
OK, so what do we do?
What do we-- frick.
Just-- Byrdie?
Stacy, Stacy, Stacy, Stacy.
Morning, Stacy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, a hug.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, Jason Krueger
in the flesh.
All right.
All right, you should
return calls, dude.
I was getting a
little worried there.
I didn't know if you
actually existed.
I exist. Here I am.
So, uh-- did we
hook up at that industry
Q and A over at UCLA?
Yeah, that was the
UCLA, the Q and A.
Yeah, yeah, no, I knew.
I was on the panel.
You came up afterwards,
asked me to read your script,
just like everybody else.
But you, killer script, bro.
Um, thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, uh, you have a copy for me?
I thought you just
said that you read it.
Yeah, no, no, I did.
I-- uh, yeah, of
course I read it.
But then, you know, my
assistant, you know, lost
it by mistake, threw it out.
Hah, anyway, my phone
has been ringing off
the hook because every studio in
town wants a piece of your ass.
Just send me in
the right direction.
You like the Lakers?
Do I like the Lakers?
I love the Lakers.
When the Lakers
lose, I can't sleep.
So I've got tickets
tomorrow night, court-side.
- You in?
- Am I in?
Are you kidding me?
I'm already there.
Yeah, dude.
- Now we're talking.
- Yeah.
Hang on to those for me.
All right.
Hey, listen,
I'm negotiating your deal
over at Olympus Pictures.
Let me tell you right now,
they try to play hardball,
I'm going to shop your
script around town so
fast their heads will explode.
Yeah, listen, about the script,
it's already spoken for.
Say that again?
Olympus can't have it.
I already sold it
to another studio.
You're busting on me, right?
- Who?
- Who?
That's a-- that's
a good question.
Thing is, I can't tell
you, because it was was
part of the purchase agreement,
kind of like a gag order,
you know?
But that's what I wanted to talk
to you about, because I need
someone to take the heat for me
with Stacy. So--
Unless you don't want to.
I can get other agent to
do it if you don't want to.
Hey, hey, stand down, bro.
I'm there for you, OK?
You and me.
OK, all right.
I knew I could count on you.
You want to know why?
Because you're a salesman.
Right, huh?
If you've got something they
want and they can't have it,
they'll buy anything
else in your bag just
to keep you close.
And do you have anything else?
Stephanie, the poor
black girl from the ghetto,
stands at the podium, accepting
the Coty Award for Fashion
Designer of the Year.
We cut to the big finish.
Stephanie's outside
of Barbara's door,
handing the trophy over to the
rightful owner, the person who
actually designed the winning
gown, the person, who because
of age discrimination, had
to go underground and have
a younger woman front for her.
Barbara is overcome,
unable to speak.
Fade to black.
What do you think?
That was terrific.
I can't even speak.
I swear, Lev, it
took my breath away.
It's not often you can
make your audience laugh
and cry during the same movie.
And I just love how
this dynamic woman
puts one over on the jerks
to put her out to pasture.
No surprise, Jason is
the next big thing.
I'm going to make
this my first official
purchase as studio president.
Just one change.
Name it, Lev.
50 is little long in the
tooth for our lead character.
We need to put her in
her early 30s, tops.
Oh, yes, definitely.
Um, yeah, but it's, um,
it's about age discrimination.
OK, how about we put
her in a wheelchair?
She's a paraplegic.
She's-- she's a
25-year-old paraplegic,
and she's in a wheelchair.
And now you know why
she's so brilliant.
You know, it's-- it's great.
It's great. Are you kidding me?
It's great.
For my script?
A 25-year-old paraplegic?
Well, the morons are
running true to form.
I know, but I thought
maybe we could compromise.
We can't compromise.
I want my lead character's
breasts to be heading south.
You want extra pine
nuts in your pesto?
I would love extra
pine nuts in my pesto.
Do you have anything else
for me to pitch to them then?
Huh uh.
Yes, no, I do,
just not with them.
They want to be in
business with you.
I don't care.
Screw them.
They're out.
Because it's fun.
Thank you very much.
So Richard is the
bomb, by the way.
Last night we're at the Lakers
game, sitting court side.
He introduces me to who?
To Jack.
All right, I'm
schmoozing with Jack.
We're hanging out.
We go down to the VIP, a little
locker room with the players.
I love this guy.
I love him.
Hmm, I'm glad you hit it off.
Yeah, then you've
got to dump his ass.
Sorry, what?
You have to dump his ass.
Because he screwed me
over, and this is payback time.
And I'm-- I'm--
I'm sure he's-- he's very
sorry about that, but he's got
court-side Lakers tickets.
Hmm-mm, sorry, I'm having fun.
Wait, who's going
to be my agent?
Someone else who
also got screwed over.
I must be
having a senior moment.
I can't remember meeting you.
Yeah, it was at one of
those UCLA seminar things
that they do.
Yeah, well, wherever it
was, it doesn't matter now.
You are hot.
Without even breaking a sweat
I got you a pitch meeting
with the new regime
at Monolith studios.
They're-- they're good.
Listen, Marty, I have
a question for you.
How are you with Lakers tickets?
You get court-side
seats, don't you, Marty?
Of course.
All right.
In my living room.
It's a joke, right?
That's not-- so you
don't-- doesn't matter.
And we cut to big finish.
Stephanie's outside
of Barbara's door,
handing the trophy over to the
rightful owner, the person who
actually designed the winning
gown, the person who because
of age discrimination had
to go underground and hire
this younger woman
to front for her.
Barbara is overcome,
unable to speak.
Fade to black.
What do you think?
That was absolutely beautiful.
Thank you.
It reminds me of "All
About Eve," don't you think?
Only your story is better.
I love that the lead character
is considered old at 50.
That's a real statement
for our times.
It's age discrimination that
the baby boomers can relate to,
and that's a big audience.
Yeah, my Aunt B is
going through some pretty
frustrating stuff, right?
I was just about to tell
you a really uninteresting
story about my family.
It doesn't-- it doesn't matter.
Uh, look.
I have to ask.
It's a formality, and if I
didn't, I would get fired.
And, well, I just
got hired, so--
Do you have a writing
sample that I can read?
Of course.
Thank you.
It's just so refreshing.
I never get to hear
stories that are character
driven and adult themed.
I-- I love it.
I love that you love it.
Hi, uh, do you have
"All About Eve"?
Oh, yeah, Bette Davis, right?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Good flick.
Yep, it's good.
Do you have it?
Who else was in that?
I don't--
Oh, uh, uh, Anne Baxter.
Anne Baxter.
Yeah, it's in the
classics section.
In the back? OK.
- Is that just this way?
- Keep going.
- Red--
- --wall?
Red wall, in the back.
Yeah, the red wall.
You hungry, Mae?
I'm starving.
Oh, mmm, cheese.
Byrdie, it's Andrea.
I'm so excited.
You'll never guess.
Steven got the job at Monolith.
He's taken me with him
and he's promoted me.
I stood up for myself like you
said, and now I'm an executive.
I cannot wait to have you in.
Steven is a big fan.
I owe all of this to you.
You are back in business.
Oh damn.
Call me.
This is Jason.
If you're offering a three
picture deal, call my agent.
Otherwise, leave a message.
There's a party
going on in here.
Oh my.
Oh God, that is
the dumbest message
on your answering machine.
It's obnoxious.
Where have you been?
Out trying to sell our movie.
And I had to go through
five development girls,
literally, if you
know what I mean.
Yeah I-- I really
don't want the details.
And sadly enough,
no one wants to make
the movie with an older woman.
Oh, there is a God.
I was feeling bad about this.
Except for one, hey Byrdie,
I sold your movie.
You son of a bitch.
You could at least
try to act happy.
Who did you sell it to?
This beautiful creature
over at Monolith, Andrea.
- Andrea?
- Mhm.
Oh my God.
Do you have the sample script?
- Where's the sample script?
- She insisted on it.
I gave her "Father and Son."
Oh my God, I live in hell.
What are you talking about?
Can you tell me
what's going on here?
I thought you'd be happy.
I thought that was your
objective, to sell the pitch.
She is not some
dumb bimbo like Stacy.
This is Andrea.
She's a smart girl.
She will know this is "Kramer
vs. Kramer" by page two.
I've got to call her.
- Give me the phone.
- Wait, you know her?
- Give me the phone.
- Can you tell me--
- Give me the damn phone.
- What do you know about her?
Hold on a second, I'm
just asking you questions.
- Give me the--
- I've got a plan.
I've got a plan.
I've got a plan.
All right, hold on.
All right, you
crank out 10 pages.
I take them over to Andrea.
She falls in love
with them, forgets
about the sample script.
We all live happily ever after.
- I am obviously not an idiot.
- You're right.
You're smart.
Give me the phone.
Get out of here.
Thank you. Bye.
Thank you so much.
I'll let you know they're going
to need that loaner Beamer
back because I quit my job.
You quit your-- you what?
God, you are dumber than I--
So let's do this Byrdie.
I don't have time for this.
I forgot my keys.
Get-- ahh.
Pita toast, two tough--
Get-- you-- get
the hell out of here.
Hello there, Ms. VP of
Acquisitions and Development.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
These are beautiful.
Yeah, well, so is this office.
Yes, you might notice
the corner suite.
Yeah, very impressive.
Thank you.
I owe all of this to you.
I'm getting you in
here right away.
I'm just happy to be here
right now, because I just
want to talk about something.
I want to talk to you too.
I've got a meeting with
Steve, but quickly,
I just bought my first project.
It's a woman's story from a guy.
Can you believe it?
Uh uh.
Totally unknown, but I've
got a feeling about him.
I ponied up, too.
I hope the brass won't mind.
I haven't even had time
to read his sample yet,
but he is so in demand
that I had to nail him down
before anybody else did.
Y-- of course you did.
Oh, I did.
I just-- I loved his story.
You did?
Yeah, and he was so
passionate about it.
And he's also
really, really hot.
Ah, God, speaking of hot,
is that George
Clooney out there?
Are you serious?
Oh, no it's Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, win some, lose some.
I'm going to get
out of your hair.
It was great to see you.
And again, congratulations.
Thank you.
When can we have lunch
so that we can talk
- about what you wanted to say?
- Oh, it was nothing.
I just wanted to
say congratulations
and give you these flowers.
Are you sure?
Scout's honor.
Thank you for the flowers.
See ya.
Byrdie, it's Peter.
You're not going
to believe this,
but Jason quit his job at
BMW to become a screenwriter.
I feel like I got hit
by a cement truck.
I need you to talk some
sense into the kid.
Call me.
Good morning.
Oh, wow, you look fantastic.
Shut up.
Those 10 pages took
a lot out of you, huh?
They must be brilliant.
I got nothing.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I thought that I'd
just sit down and hammer out
a bunch of pages and
give them to Andrea
and she would love
them, and we'd
forget about the sample
script, and then everybody
would live happily ever after.
Yeah, that was the plan.
Didn't work.
I was up all night.
I don't have a damn thing.
That's what they
call writer's block.
No, it's what you
call a morality block.
That's where your
conscience won't
help you screw over a friend.
I didn't drink all this.
Do you think I'd be standing
here if I drank all those?
I poured them in the sink so
that I wouldn't drink them.
At least I recycle.
That's good.
Oh, and by the way, thanks
for telling your dad you
quit your job, because
that went over really well.
Well, you know what?
My dad is going to be just fine
with it when he sees this--
And I quote, "torrid
newcomer Jason Krueger
has sold his pitch,
'Bogus, ' to the new
regime at Monolith Studios.
Project was ushered
in by Development
Executive Andrea Davis.
Damn good picture.
Cute, semi.
Do you have any
idea what this means?
It means I'm the hottest
new writer in Hollywood,
and I need those pages, Aunt B.
Stop calling me Aunt
B. It makes it sound like
we live in frickin' Mayberry.
In Mayberry?
No, it means that now
I have to write this.
Now I am forced to
write, and I have
to do it quickly, because it's
already been in the trades.
And I'm having a very hard
time writing, as I told you.
I spent all night trying
to write something,
- and I couldn't write.
- It's got to be good.
But who the hell
could write in a house
that's all disorganized
like this, and confusing,
and messed up, and loud?
It's just loud.
Who could write in a house
that is so damn noisy?
Hey Jason, it's me.
Now that I've recovered
from my nervous breakdown,
I decided to get out of town
and do a little writing.
I'll call you when
I've got something.
Hey, hey,
hey, one small step for mankind,
to make a run for the door.
Don't need a reason
to ask what for.
You've got the secret motion.
Take yourself by the bed.
Excuse me?
I need a cabin for the weekend.
Yes, no, maybe?
I just need a cabin,
something isolated and quiet.
OK, we've got "The Shining"
or the "Cujo" cabin available.
Stephen King wrote up here?
All right.
We begin anew.
OK, interior
warehouse, morning--
And interior, old clothing
warehouse, morning.
It is morning in the
old clothing warehouse.
Shh-- whew.
You think-- you
think it's morning?
You said it's morning
three times now.
It's frickin' morning.
I'm so hungry.
I'm starving.
Bleh, this isn't
going to cut it.
Sweet-- coffee,
mustard, ketchup.
Oh, for God's Sake Come on.
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
For Christ's sake,
what are you doing, Ray?
Stalking me?
Did you follow me
from Los Angeles?
No, I didn't.
Well, what the hell
are you doing here?
You scared me to death.
I'm sorry, I was--
Uh, I was hungry.
Are you staying here?
Yeah, I am, actually.
I've been here for a while.
They put padlocks
on the refrigerator.
All I could find
was these crackers.
Well, maybe we can
pool our resources.
What is that?
Peanut butter?
So this was the, uh, the
default menu for midnight
snacks with my kids.
Oh, you have kids?
Yeah, a son and a daughter.
And a niece?
Yeah, my brother's daughter.
- That was really your niece?
- Yeah.
She is?
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it was fine.
You were-- uh, charming.
And, uh, your nephew?
My lover.
I thought so.
You Hollywood types
are all the same.
It's my brother's son.
So, where is Mrs.
Hottie Stalker Writer?
My-- my last wife
left me six years ago.
Your last wife?
Three marriages, three divorces,
two kids, one broken heart.
Second wife, mother
of my children.
I never could figure out
how I could be a full time
writer and a full time
mother and a full time wife,
because I had to be suffering
day and night for my craft.
You could have been a
writer and had a family.
I did.
Yes, and it worked
out well for you.
Good point.
I like your book.
No, I hate it.
You don't.
No, I'm so bored of it.
- It's getting great reviews.
- I know.
It's probably going
to be a bestseller.
It's so depressing.
I write crap. They like it.
I write more crap.
It's like I'm on some kind
of endless cycle of crapness.
I'd really like
to write something
that I can be proud of.
What are you working on?
I'm working on a screenplay.
Here's the thing--
You're a really nice guy,
especially for a stalker.
You're cute and--
And you're funny.
Well, I could change
if that's a problem.
But if we went to dinner and
we-- we had a really good time,
we might click.
Clicking would be bad, right?
No-- it's bad-- yes, because
clicking leads to sex.
And sex leads to more sex.
And that leads to really
getting to know each other.
We don't know each
other after all that sex?
It won't end up well,
because let's say you called me
and I didn't call you back.
Even worse than that,
let's say you don't call me
and I freak out.
And I come over to
your house and I
start rummaging
through your trash,
and I put sugar in
your gas tank, and--
I-- I-- I-- it just ends
up with hard feelings
and restraining orders.
I mean, we don't want that.
No, no, that--
That would be bad.
So good, I'm glad
we-- we agree on that.
Hey, it was good to see you.
Good night.
Did they-- uh--
Did anyone tell you
about your cabin?
As the story goes, several women
have checked into that
cabin and never checked out.
I like the way you paused
between checked into your cabin
and never checked out.
See, I was going for
like danger and suspense.
Did I get it?
And no.
I've got to get back to work.
See ya.
Good night, Byrdie Langdon.
Time keeps burning.
I was going down,
now I'm strong.
Wheels keep turning.
Take me back to where
I once belonged.
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.
In case you live
through the night
and sneak out before I see
you, I had a great time, and--
Pause for effect-- would
love to see you again.
I'm in "Gone with the Wind,"
and I'll be here until summer.
Hey Jason, it's Byrdie.
Meet me at my house at 10:00.
I've got pages for Andrea.
Jason, these pages
are incredible.
I'm glad you liked them.
I was, uh, I was really
nervous about it, actually.
It's why I brought
them personally.
I love that Stephanie
the ghetto girl
can talk her way in and
out of any situation.
And I love that all the male
fashion buyers are hot for her,
and some of the women too.
It's very bold.
Thank you.
There's more where
that came from, so--
I can't wait.
In the meantime, welcome
to the movie business.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I have to deliver something
to one of the sound stages.
Do you want to come with me?
I'd love to.
Good films have always moved me.
I wanted to be part
of the process.
I hear you.
It didn't start out that way.
I have a degree in education.
I love teaching kids.
Yeah, no, kids are the bomb.
I mean, kids are, you
know, they're our future.
They're going to be
running the country,
so they need to be inspired.
When I was a little
kid, my grandpa taught
me his theory for happiness.
He called it the big four.
It's made up of money,
career, love, and health.
If you've got zero out of
four, it's OK, because you've
got no place to go but up.
One out of four, let's
hope it's health.
But if you have a consistent
two or three out of four,
your life is pretty sweet.
That being said, we know
that you have money.
How's your health?
How's your career?
It hasn't been great, but
you've got me excited about it
- again.
- Thank you.
That's very charming.
That'll count as a half a point.
And how's your love life?
Uh, well, it sucks.
It sucks?
Why did I just tell you that?
Because you trust me.
2.5 out of four, not bad.
Life's pretty sweet.
It's a pretty interesting
theory, simplistic.
I find that sometimes
simplicity works.
Do you?
I'm a simple guy.
I don't believe
that for a second.
Randall, you're going
to go to the 50 on this one.
How's my second
favorite screenwriter?
God, you scared me to death.
What the hell are
you doing here?
Andrea loved the pages, didn't
even mention the sample script.
Thank God for that.
So you got more pages for me?
No, not finished yet.
I'll take what you got.
No, it's the end of the day.
I'm tired.
I'll get them to you tomorrow.
I was just going to bring
them over to Andrea's place
myself tonight.
My God, that is so
thoughtful of you.
But here's the deal.
You know, I love Andrea
like she's my own daughter.
So what we
need to do is keep you
and your overworked protrusion
out of her zip code.
Wow, my overworked protrusion.
Well, that's interesting,
because Andrea invited me.
I bet she did.
But you need to
keep this business
until I can get all of
this stuff sorted out,
so I don't end up destroying her
career and what's left of mine.
Oh, wow, that's convincing.
Thank you.
So Andrea liked the pages, huh?
She loved then.
What did she say exactly?
I think the direct
quote was Jason, I love them.
I love that she loved them.
I love that you
love that she loved them.
I love that you love that
I love that she loved them.
Wow, videotapes, huh?
Are you making fun of me?
No, no, I love the 80s.
"All About Eve," I saw that one.
We talked about that one.
Obsession with fame?
Better fasten your
seat belt, because we're
in for a bumpy night.
That was Bette Davis.
Yes, I know.
"The English Patient."
The transformational
power of love.
"Officer and a Gentleman."
An unlikely love
story between two people
from very different worlds,
after an initial flirtation
in Windsor.
And then he loses her,
and then he wins her
again with tenacity
and perseverance
and grand romantic gesture.
I, uh-- tenacity
and perseverance, huh?
Do you want to watch it?
Um, yeah, I'd love to.
Do you want some popcorn?
I would, uh, I would
love some popcorn.
Do you have, uh,
Parmesan cheese?
You put Parmesan
cheese on your popcorn?
Yeah, I know.
It's a little weird.
So do I.
I put Parmesan
cheese on my popcorn.
You put Parmesan
cheese on your popcorn?
I'm not making that up.
Prove it.
Well, that could be for pizza.
But it's not.
It's for-- it's for popcorn.
Did my mom call you?
Did my mom call you?
So I get called
in to write on staff
for a groundbreaking show about
a coroner who solves crime.
I wrote 16 episodes of "Quincy"
before most of the guys
in that room were born.
There are only seven
ideas in the world.
The rest are variations
on those seven stories.
Groucho Marx said that.
These young guys today
never heard of Groucho Marx.
That's the magic way--
Tell them what they want.
Dinner for two to
a deli in the valley.
I'll be right back.
- Hi, Cathy.
- Andrea?
Who's that cute guy you're with?
Jason Krueger.
He's a writer.
Oh, yeah, I've heard
his name mentioned
in our project meetings.
Is he available?
Uh, he's doing a script for us.
Oh, I meant the other available.
Uh, should I tell you this?
Why not?
Last night we watched
movies at my place
until the sun came up.
Are you OK in there?
And then he goes
home, and on no sleep
knocks out a set of
remarkable pages.
I mean, where does
he get that energy?
Yeah, I wonder.
I think I really like this guy.
I sound like I'm 12, don't I?
Oh, that's the
only way to sound.
Let's get out of here.
I'll be right there.
I'll ring it up right now.
Yeah, I think I'm down here.
I swear to God, I
didn't sleep with her.
Don't screw with me, Jason.
I'm not.
You have made a career
out of using women.
Who are you trying to fool?
Oh, that is hilarious.
Because what you're doing to me
right now, what's that called?
What's this?
She's different, all right?
I enjoy spending time with her.
I have never been this
close to the big four.
Oh, the big four again.
What is that again?
- Sex, sex--
- Career--
More sex, then kinky sex?
Health, money, maybe love.
Jason, this is my career.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, this is our career.
Don't even try that,
because you will not win.
I am way smarter
than you, little boy.
And I am way younger,
and you need me.
Not like you need me.
Not now.
Do you want those pages?
Then you back off Andrea.
No, no, no, no, don't do this.
Don't make me choose
between these two.
I've waited my whole
entire life to feel
this way about somebody.
Who are you trying to kid?
That's probably her.
She's probably
calling me right now.
Yeah, or you calling yourself.
Now it's time for
you to decide--
Do you want love with
Andrea, or do you
want to be a hot shot writer?
Which is it?
Please don't do this.
Make up your mind.
Aunt B, please, don't do this.
You need to decide.
Wrong choice, Casanova.
When time was running out,
I didn't have to hide.
I just kept--
Stephanie goes ti the thing.
Barbara doesn't know.
Come on, how hard can this be?
I told you time was running out.
It wasn't on our side.
Exterior, alcohol
rehab facility.
Barbara enters,
carrying a book bag, enter--
You're welcome.
What the hell happened?
What do you mean?
I thought that Steve
Brooks loved them.
Previous pages, not these.
These I won't show him.
These are terrible.
So you didn't--
You didn't like them.
Jason, I really
didn't like them.
That's what terrible means.
What's-- what's wrong with them?
I can't believe how different.
They are from your other ones.
Right, but in what way?
Writing style, tone, dialogue,
character continuity, grammar.
OK, I get it.
I get it.
I was particularly baffled
why you suddenly chose to put
Barbara in alcohol rehab.
Obviously not a--
Not a good choice.
My boss really needs a hit.
If I show him these
pages, he's going
to pull you off the project--
And maybe me out
of my new office.
Jason, you're a
really talented writer
who's also very new at this.
You just had a little mishap.
I want you to take a breath
and go home and write
the way that I know you can.
Don't let me down.
So, uh, I did something.
I, uh-- I, uh--
I wrote some pages and
I gave them to Andrea.
Please tell me you
wrote a greeting
card or a haiku or something.
You didn't give her
pages pages, did you?
Yeah, I gave her pages pages.
You'll be happy to know
they weren't any good.
Well, actually, it
doesn't make me happy,
but I'm not shocked.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
So, what about choosing Andrea?
This is me choosing Andrea.
I mean, that's why I'm here.
This isn't about me
anymore, and this
isn't about me being a writer.
If we don't get her pages,
she's going to lose her job.
We can't let that happen.
So what do we do?
Pages aren't hamburgers.
I can't just flip
them out there.
I wish I could.
When I write, I just try
to dig down in my soul,
and I try to find something
that's true about something.
Because that truth is what makes
people cry, or makes people
laugh so hard that
they pee their pants.
Sometimes it takes a
long time to find that.
So I should come
back in like an hour?
Bring me a burger--
With cheese.
I'll just go
flip that burger out.
I found it.
I found "Father and Son."
Thank you so much.
I knew that the mailroom
must have made a copy.
Thank you.
What the hell?
Let me take a guess what
pages you're holding.
They're terrible.
I asked your assistant for them.
Why didn't you show them to me?
He's rewriting them,
and I'm sure that they're
going to be a lot better.
And so I just thought
that I would show you
the new ones when they came in.
What about this?
Your assistant thought I might
want to see Krueger's sample.
She gave it to
everyone else, too.
Andrea, I'm sorry.
Uh, do I get to pack up?
If it was up to
me, but it's not.
This gentleman will
escort you off the lot.
Andrea, you didn't
read it, did you?
Not until it was too late.
Thank you for the promotion--
While it lasted.
The truth is, it--
It hurts.
I mean I was really starting
to like him, you know?
I really believed that he
was talented and passionate,
and I just--
I can't believe that I
was stupid enough to let
myself get that vulnerable.
I just lost three out
of his big four theory,
and now all I've got
left is my health.
Well, you know,
sometimes a person
can do things for
reasons that sometimes
no one else could understand.
I'm just saying, Andrea,
that sometimes the desperate
will take desperate measures.
And we don't understand
the ramifications
of what we've done,
especially during the time we
were doing it.
Byrdie, what are
you talking about?
I just lost my job.
I'm only saying that sometimes,
you need to take a step back.
You need to take a
deep breath, and you
need to look at-- at-- at--
Every aspect of something--
Every single little tiny
piece of every single element.
Do you want to tell me
what the hell's going on?
Oh, boy.
This picture, Byrdie, who is it?
You-- you and who?
You-- you and-- you
and who, Byrdie?
How do you know him?
It's my nephew--
Jason, my nephew.
I'm so sorry.
I-- it's why--
I wanted to tell you the truth.
It's why I came to your
office with the flowers.
It's not what you think.
OK, it's exactly what you
think, but it's not-- hell,
I don't know what you think.
You and your nephew
tried to con me?
No, we weren't
trying to con you.
We were-- we were trying
to con everybody--
Else, the suits, you know.
And-- and-- and it was never
supposed to go this far.
I'm so sorry.
Save it.
I trusted you.
You were my safety
net in this business.
Oh, God.
Hey, I went to your office.
Don't even.
They said that you were fired?
I prefer let go.
Listen, I am so sorry.
What you are is a liar.
OK, you cost me my
job, and what's worse,
you made me look like a fool.
I know.
Go away, Jason,
whatever your name is.
I am so not interested
in talking to you.
Listen, but I can explain.
All right, I wanted to
earlier, but I couldn't.
I never meant for
this to happen.
I don't want to hurt you.
Yeah, you're one of the
genuine nice guys, right?
Yeah, I am.
I mean, I'm trying to be.
Are you even a writer?
I sell cars.
You sell cars?
Byrdie, it's Peter.
Oh my God.
Come on, sis. Byrdie?
What-- what--
What-- wh-- what are you doing?
What am I doing?
What are you doing?
I frickin' live here.
Are you all right?
Yes, I am--
Did somebody break in here?
Yes, me.
Oh, Byrdie, I didn't know
whether you were dead or alive.
Uh, I was sleeping.
I fell asleep on the floor.
Haven't you ever done that?
I mean, for this you break
my frickin' windows out?
You haven't been
returning my calls.
Because I've been working.
All right, OK, all right.
I need to talk to you.
I need to pee.
Byrdie, I am serious.
I am serious.
Uh, I'll wait. You go first.
Your turn.
Have you talked to Jason lately?
No. Why?
- What happened?
- I don't know.
That's the problem.
I haven't seen him in days.
I went over to his apartment.
He's not there.
Well, you know, he's--
He-- he's 24.
I mean, maybe he's doing
what 24-year-olds do.
He's probably out,
you know, acting
all wild and crazy
and free, just like we
did when we were his age--
I did when I was his age.
Look, Byrdie, I know he
has his own life to lead,
but he's still my kid, and
I still worry about him.
OK, here's the deal.
You'll want to sit for this one.
So I'm sure that he's OK.
He's probably just a
little lovesick, you know.
He'll recover.
I mean, we've both been there.
I've been there.
How could you
involve him in all of this?
I mean, we just got
him on his feet.
We just got him
into a steady job.
I know, I'm sorry.
It's the dumbest thing
I've ever done in my life.
You can say that again.
This is the dumbest thing
I've ever done in my life.
Well, you're Byrdie.
You'll work it out.
Not this time.
I think I've really screwed
things up this time.
You've got to be kidding me.
Ninth grade, spring break,
you took Dad's credit card,
flew to Mexico, and
saw a Stones concert.
Yeah, well, there was a
rumor they might break up.
That-- I-- I had no choice.
Third grade Christmas
show, you sang
"Silent Night" in Pig Latin.
Yeah, yeah what is your ointpay?
The day you graduated
from UCLA, after Mom and Dad
had paid for four years
of business school,
you announced that you're
going to be a writer.
Well, who are you, the
ghost of Christmas past?
I know I screwed up
everything in my life.
I don't need you
to tell me that.
Hear me out.
You could have cared
less what they said.
You see, you just
knew what you wanted,
and you just went for it.
Why now do you care
what people say?
I mean, they say what, that
you're too old to write?
You tell them, how old
would you be if you
didn't know how old you were?
That's good. Who said that?
Satchel Paige.
My point is, the Byrdie
I know would have
told him to stick it in their--
I know, sometimes it seems
like I'm really on your case.
But the truth is,
Byrdie, the truth
is having you as a sister
reminds me that I'm connected
to something very special.
You make things happen, Byrdie.
You always have.
Oh, are you talking about me?
I can't write anymore.
Yes, you can.
It's who you are.
Remember your own motto?
Write what you know.
So what do you know?
Write what you know.
Write what you know.
What do I know?
I know I could write a dog book.
All right, ready?
Here we go.
I know a few hundred places.
We used to go
together, you and me.
I know solitude.
Go away.
I can't.
Sure you can.
Over and over again.
And maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you can't
trust me anymore.
I don't know if you want me.
This is what I know.
We used to sing all night.
Hey, I, uh, brought you
some Chinese for dinner.
Over and over again.
Over and over again.
Tenacity and perseverance.
This is what I know.
We used to sing all night,
over and over again.
This is what I know.
Break it down--
Nobody goes
until we get this right.
What's the first
shot for tomorrow?
How the hell should I know?
OK, guys, got the
cable in there.
Watch that.
- Mike?
- Coming through, guys.
Did you check that?
Hey, Byrdie, what
are you doing here?
I came to see you.
I'm in a hurry, so why don't
you walk me to the car, huh?
That is, of course, unless you
let the air out of my tires?
Not yet, but I might have to.
I need you to go to your
car and read this script.
All right, sure, you
got your number on it?
No, you don't understand.
I need you to go sit in your
car and read it right now.
Byrdie, it's the end of the day.
I'm tired.
Hence coffee.
Look, my mother-in-law
is coming over for dinner.
My wife will kill
me if I'm late.
No, see, your wife will
kill you if you're broke.
You need a hit for this studio.
This is your hit, my friend.
What's it about?
About what I know.
It's the Byrdie Langdon story.
It's about a writer
who can't get
a job because she's too old.
So she hires her hot-shot
nephew to pitch it.
He sells, she writes.
Think Susan Sarandon
and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Why me?
Why this studio?
Because Andrea
Davis is producing,
and she made me promise that
I would let you see it first.
Andrea Davis doesn't
work here anymore.
She screwed up.
No, she didn't.
I did.
It was my idea to have
my nephew come in here
and pitch my script.
You know what?
That will make a great PR
story when you open this movie.
You're awfully confident.
I'm Byrdie Langdon.
I'm full of it.
You're full of something.
That's for sure, Byrdie.
You know, my wife is
going to divorce me.
Again with the wife.
Your wife likes green.
Look, is-- is it OK if
I read it in my office
instead of the car?
Of course.
I'll wait right here.
Stop calling me.
Hi, this is Andrea.
I'm not here, so
leave me a message
and I'll call you
as soon as I can.
Hi Andrea, it's Steven.
I read the Byrdie Langdon
script, the new one.
I love it and I want to make it.
She told me you're producing it.
So, uh, call me when you're
ready to make a deal.
I hope we can forget about
the past and move forward.
Talk to you soon.
Do you want some
popcorn with Parmesan?
Are you kidding?
I'd love some popcorn
with Parmesan.
I'll bring it out.
Time keeps burning.
I was going down,
now I'm strong.
Wheels keep turning.
Take me back to where
I once belonged.
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.
Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-da.
I hope you brought crackers.
No, I didn't bring crackers.
I did bring peanut butter.
Crunchy, actually.
I know where they
keep the crackers.
Oh, I've already
looked in there.
I bet you didn't look behind
this box with the light bulbs.
No, I didn't.
A toast-- here's to
the big four theory.
The big four theory--
What's that?
I'm glad you asked.
Is that it?
No, that is the beginning of it.
- I don't know, it's--
- It's the beginning of it.
- Have a cracker.
- I know, it's a good beginning.
- I know.
- It's a great beginning.
I liked it, but I--
Just eat.
Hey, hey,
hey, one small step for mankind,
to make a run for the door.
Don't need a reason
to ask what for.
She cracked the secret potion.
Get yourself by the bed.
'Cause everything is
in motion, they're
rising up from the dead.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, so simple
but you know it's true.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, if you go
get it, it'll come to you.
It'll come to you.
Come on.
Do you look in the mirror?