Yes Man (2008) Movie Script

Unknown caller
No, means No.
- Carl, I know it's you
Oh, hey man
I had your number dialed and was about to press send.
Did you block your number?
Yeah, I did.
You never answer when I don't.
So, what are you doing?
Oh, just hanging out in my apartment.
You did get my text right?
What? Text, what?
We're all going out tonight.
- Oh, man that sounds great. I wish I could join you.
I'm just so jammed up.
I'm totally off the grid. Know what I mean?
Uh, no I don't at all.
I have a bunch of stuff going on.
There's this thing I gotta do.
Any other night would have been great.
Darn it to heck!
Thing? What thing?
- A thing. You know? Just a thing.
If I had my thing in front of me I could
tell you what it is, but... I know there's a thing.
A thing, huh? I don't think there's anything
written down in your fake calendar.
No, it's a specific thing.
A specific thing,
like getting in line at the video store?
What are you talking about?
I'm not at the video store.
I'm in my apartment.
I can see you Carl.
I'm outside the video store.
That's not me.
- It's not?
Oh, I know what's happening.
There's this guy who looks just like me,
who goes to a lot of the same video stores
That's probably who you are seeing right now.
Wow, that's amazing, because his mouth
is moving in exact sync with what you're saying.
Carl, I know you are not saying anything.
Carl, get outside.
I know you are not talking.
- What?
- Alright.
Look who's here.
I don't believe it,
Carl Allen.
Never thought I'd see the day, my man.
I thought you had hung up
your spurs you old cowboy.
No, I just got a lot of stuff going on.
Some things I gotta do.
Issues pending. They keep me pretty busy.
Yes, I hear you buddy.
So, we are really excited for you to be here Carl,
because we have an announcement to make.
Honey, show'em.
Oh! There it is. Deal with it!
We are engaged.
That is a big step, huh?
- Yeah it's a big step.
Moving fast. That's okay.
What has it been? Six months?
- Two years.
Oh, yeah, that's about right then.
So, anyway, we are going to have an
engagement party on the 21st. Open bar.
Oh, you bastard. Always knows how to get me.
Carl, does that work for you?
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
What's there to figure out?
Oh God, look who's here.
- I'm not falling for that Carl. what's to figure out?
Carl it's open bar. What's the problem?
- I'm serious. Stephanie's at the bar.
The Stephanie?
- Yes, my ex. She's at the bar.
Oh God, that is Stephanie.
Looks like she's with someone there too.
- Yeah, they seem to be thriving. Good for her.
Oh look, they're touching each other's genitals.
Isn't that amazing?
I'm so glad I came out.
OK, you know what? I gotta go.
- No, Carl, you're going to stay.
It's been three years. You can't leave every time...
- It's totally unrelated.
It has nothing to do with Stephanie ...
- Carl.
Stephanie, guys.
- Hey
This is my boyfriend, Ted.
I don't believe we've....
- No, I don't believe we have.
You're leaving?
- Yeah, unfortunately.
Terrible timing too, because you just got here.
You just got here too, Carl.
Yes, but he's got a thing.
- Yeah, that's a thing. There's a thing and uh...
There's no time. There's a time crunch,
and time is of the essence.
Anyway, I am gone-a-rea.
Wow, that didn't sound quite right..
Oh well. - Woah!
See you, guys.
Hi, Tillie.
- Good morning, Carl.
Would you like to come over for breakfast?
- That sounds great, but I can't.
Some cereal, a yogurt, or something?
- Yes, I know.
How about some toast?
- I have to go to work, but thanks.
A good show tonight.
Come check us out.
Hey man, want to rock out tonight?
Oh, it's you. Let me guess, no?
- Yes
- No, I meant 'yes' to your 'no'.
Oh, yeah, fine.
No, thank you.
Costume party?
- Yea... No.
Oh boy.
Here we go.
Carl Allen has reported for duty?
I'm not a soldier, Norman.
You are a soldier
on the front line of finance.
Norman - Line 1.
You want to get that in the privacy of your office?
- No, I'll just get it here.
You're with Norman.
Are you sure, because ...
Whatever you say.
Remember that promotion we were talking about?
That's not going to happen.
I tried to fight for you
on the phone there.
It was between you and
Demco and they went with Demco.
I don't care.
I didn't really want the job badly.
I just figured after 5 years I'd be the
logical choice, but whatever.
Well hey, look at it this way.
At least you didn't get shitcanned.
You know what that means?
- Fired?
Oh, how did you know what that means?
You heard me say that before?
No, it's a pretty common expression.
In my circles. I made it up.
It is catching on.
This will cheer you up
I'm having a get-together at my place.
It's a funny hat and/or wig party.
Oh, man!
Sucks I'm going to be out of town.
You don't know what day it is.
- When is it?
- I'm out of town.
You spoke at the same time I did.
It was almost as if you were committed to what
you said regardless of what I was going to say.
I admit business has been slow.
I mean, there's a lot less demand
for a small rollerblade shop,
what with Big 5 and Sport's Chalet,
but my designs are going to
revolutionize the roller industry
I know Marv,
but you have no equity.
And your credit ...
- It's bad
but I don't want to sound desperate.
I have no other options left
Unknown caller
- Ignore.
Carl. Hey, long time no see.
Nick Lane?
You don't still work at the bank, do you?
Yeah, kind of why I'm sitting outside here,
eating lunch, wearing the name tag.
You must be running this place by now.
I could have been. I had a couple offers.
I didn't want to get tied down.
How is Stephanie?
- Good God!
She's good.
What have you been doing?
- I've been all over the map man.
I have lived.
I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro.
I ate a bat in Laos.
I shot a cow with a bazooka.
I'm not proud of that last one,
but I did it, man.
Wow, that sounds wild.
- You want to know my secret?
I'm a Yes Man.
The word "Yes" has changed my life. Here.
- No, thanks. I'm fine.
Fine? I wipe my ass with Fine.
- Wow. Okay.
You don't want to work here Carl.
- Yeah I do.
No, you don't.
Why don't you take this rock and throw it
at that bank & shatter the window the window?
No, thanks.
- Ask me if I want to do.
Do you want to throw that rock at the bank?
- Yes
Are you crazy?
- Go to this reunion, Carl.
Stay where you are.
Carl, live your life.
You won't regret it.
The word "Yes" has changed my life. Here.
- No, thanks. I'm fine.
'Fine'? I wipe my ass with 'Fine'.
- Wow. Okay.
You don't want to work here Carl.
- Yeah I do.
No, you don't.
Why don't you take this rock and throw it
at that bank & shatter the window the window?
No, thanks.
- Ask me if I want to do.
Do you want to throw that rock at the bank?
- Yes
Are you crazy?
- Go to this reunion, Carl.
Stay where you are.
Carl, live your life.
You won't regret it!
Unknown caller.
You wanna see my band?
- No.
- Carl.
Yeah, it's me.
I just felt like calling you.
I was missing you I guess. Weird, huh?
Yes, Carl. I have to go.
Ted and I are taking a little boat ride.
Oh, that's great. Good for you.
Jesus, Pete.
I'm not in or I'm busy.
Oh come on. You're halfway through.
Just snap it off already.
Hi, Pete. Hey. Where have you been?
- You haven't been getting my calls?
God, no.
Oh, I totally lost my phone.
You are so full of shit.
Here it is.
Yeah, there it is.
You know what buddy?
You missed my engagement party tonight.
Oh no. Oh shoot. You are kidding?
That was tonight?
I am so sorry. I totally gapped it.
Listen, I'll make it up to you. I promise.
I swear. You pick the day. Any day you
want. We'll go out. We'll swashbuckle.
What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
This wasn't drinks at a bar, Carl.
This was my engagement party.
You only get married once.
- I certainly wouldn't do it again.
I know, Carl. I know that Stephanie left
and I know that you have issues because of it
but this isn't about you.
It's about me.
When was the last time you did anything fun?
You're always makinmg excuses.
'I don't want to commit.'
'I don't want to be tied down.'
Do you even know my fiance's last name?
Yeah, Fisher.
Wait ... Fish Wall?
- Fish Wall?
You think her name is Lucy Fish Wall?
- No, that's wrong.
It's Burns.
It's Lucy Burns, Carl.
And guess what?
She doesn't like my best friend.
And I keep trying to think of reasons
why she should, but you know what?
I can't think of any.
I don't want to hear another excuse, Carl.
Do what you want,
I'm just telling you, that if you don't change
your life, you're going to end up a lonely guy.
A lonely guy, Carl.
Hey, Carl.
Hey, Rooney. Come here for a second.
Carl look a little odd to you?
Is it me, or does it look like he's kind of dead?
Nope, no more than usual.
I do not know. I'm leaning towards
thinking he might actually be dead dead.
I guess I never saw him a lot
so it's hard for me to tell the difference.
Yeah, that's true.
He never did much.
He wasn't a good friend.
Wasn't a good anything.
Any more beers in the fridge?
Sorry, this was the last one.
That's pathetic.
What was that?
As we begin.
Find a seat.
Carl. Hey Carl.
Carl, man, hey!
Hey Nick.
You made it man.
I knew you'd come. I saw it
in your eyes, man. You're gonna love this.
Terrence is genius. He's going to
blow your mind all over the Goddamn room.
He's like a frickin mind grenade.
- I'm not sure I want that.
Yeah, but you need it.
That's why you're here.
You have got to start saying 'yes',
my man. And I mean to everything.
Shh, it's starting.
Life. We are all living it. .
Or are we?
- Eww, heavy
Change is generated from consciousness
but where is consciousness generated from?
From the external .
And how do we control the external?
With one word. And what is that word?
The word is' yes'.
Yes, yes, yes.
Say it a million times.
Say it a million more times. And the
word you will have said two million times is ...
I want you to invite 'Yes' into your life,
Because it will rsvp 'Yes'.
When you say 'Yes' to things,
you embrace the possible.
You've gobbled up all of life's energies
and you excrete the waste.
Before we begin today, I'd
like to welcome our new members.
Who among you is new?
He is! This guy right here!. He's new.
Over here.
Come on up,
future 'Yes' man.
That's okay, I'm just auditing.
You can't audit life my friend.
Now, get on up here.
- No, thanks. I'm cool.
I'm sorry? What was that you said?
Um, I said I'm cool.
Before that?
Thank you.
- Back up just a little bit more.
- "No man! No man! ..."
If the mole hill won't come to Terrence,
Terrence will come to the mole hill.
What is your name?
- Carl.
Let me guess, Carl. Someone
talked you into coming here, didn't they?
- 'Yes!'
And you're not sure about this, are you?
- "No, man! No man! ..."
You are dead, Carl.
You say no to life
and therefore you are not living.
You make up excuses
to the people around you
and to yourself.
You are stuck in the same deadend job.
You do not have a girlfriend.
You don't have anything close to a girlfriend.
And you lost the love of your life because
she couldn't be with someone who didn't live theirs.
(silently mouths) Wow.
And on most nights you are so bored
and filled with ennui
you can't even sumon the
enthusiasm necessary to masterbate.
Am I right, Carl?
I have some trouble.
We can make a covenent, Carl.
Do you want to make a covenent?
The word is' yes', Carl.
- "Yes!" "Yes! Yes!"
Once you leave this building...
every time an opportunity presents itself
No matter what it is,
you will say: 'Yes'.
"Yes! Yes! ..."
What if I say the other word?
You will be a promise to yourself.
When you break a promise to yourself
things can get a little dicy.
What do you say, Carl?
Are you ready to make a covenent?
- "Yes! Yes!..."
Say it again.
- "Yes!"
Make me believe it!
- Yes! Yes! Yes!.
Hey, there he is.
- Hey, that was really wonderful.
Thank you.
- That was pretty powerful stuff, huh?
Good to have you with us.
So, are you going to do it?
- I do not know. Maybe.
This is weird. I didn't realize we just
stepped out of a 'Maybe' seminar.
Hey, that's a nice car.
Could you drive me to to Elysian Park?
Oh, uh...
Yeah, sure he can.
Right, Carl?
Yeah, why not.
You won't regret this, Carl.
Can I use your phone?
- Come on, man.
Keep going or this will do?
Does it really matter?
Hold on a second
I can't hear myself think.
Just a little further.
Just right up the hill there.
Go ahead.
I'm just right over here.
Okay, yeah.
What? Hello?
Aw shit, man. Your battery is dead.
Aw, great.
Gracias amigo. It was real nice of you
to give me a ride. Most people just say no.
Of course i have been having a lot
of luck lately outside of that hotel.
No problem. Have a good night.
Can I borrow a couple bucks?
I came this far.
Yes, you can.
You havea whole lot there.
Can I have it all?
All yours.
God bless you man.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Hey Carl? Do you want to give all your
money away to a homelss guy? Yes, yes I do.
How about letting hm
burn out your phone battery
so you can't call 'Triple A'
when you run out of gas?
You know what?
That sounds like a fucking great idea!
Why not take a late night stroll
through the hills and get killed by the Manson family?
Don't mind if I do!
Come on, man.
Click yes or no.
My only fucking option
Would you like to carry a 20 lb
container of gas up a giant hill to your car?
Oh, could I? Could I really?
That's a good look.
Oh, hi.
Did you just take my picture?
- Maybe.
Did you just run out of gas?
- Maybe.
That sucks.
That happened to me last week.
When you were driving rediculously far
out of your way to drop off a homeless guy
who wore out your phone battery
so you couldn't call 'Triple A'
Uh, no. I take it that's what happened to you.
- No.
Why do you assume that?
He used up your phone?
- Yes
Apparently he was the most
popular homeless man on the planet.
He was staying connected.
It was good to see.
I'm just glad that I could be a part of it
- That must feel good.
Oh, truly. And I'm geting
some excersize, which is cool.
Well, do you need a ride?
- On that thing?
Am I going too fast for you?
- No, In fact I think you should go faster.
That way if we crash at least I'll die..
I don't want to be kept alive artificially.
What are you doing?
I'm taking a picture. Smile.
I can't see. I'm blind.
- Me too. Isn't it great?
Yes, that's getting it good.
Thanks again for the ride.
- No, problem.
Hopefully the color
will return to your face sometime soon.
I'm more of a four wheel kind of guy.
- Really?
I never would have guessed that.
You seem so at ease on two.
Can I have my helmet back now?
I'm still wearing it aren't I?
Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Unless you want to stick around and make out?
- What?
What did you say?
Hey, I ...
Have a good night.
"Yes" always leads to something good.
Carl, it's your buddy, Norman .
And your boss,
but more your buddy than your boss right?
I guess.
So, we're kind of short on Sat staff.
Is there any way you could come in?
Sure. Nothing I like better than
the inside of a bank on a beautiful Saturday.
Yeah, there really is
something magical about this place.
Would I like to increase the size of my penis?
Like I need that.
Persian-wife finder
Hi. I am Faranoosh
Would you be the man for me?
I guess so.
Excuse me.
I'd like to apply for a small business loan.
- And what is your business?
I bake cakes in the shape of
different celebrities' faces.
Wow, Mickey Rourke.
- No, it's Bono.
Yeah, right.
Let's hope it doesn't taste like Mickey Rourke.
So what do you think?
I think yes
Interesting. Cakes, huh?
- Yes, I just kind of went with my gut on it, Norm.
You called me Norm.
Could that be like my nickname?
Yeah, I guess.
- Nice. I like your style, Car
That can be yours.
- Carl is pretty short already, but ...
You could say it's the kind of
detail we need around here.
You know what I did?
- What?
That whole Demco thing really chapped my ass.
I marched upstairs and told the big guns
Carl gets promoted in leiu of Demco
or along with Demco, whichever.
or I walk.
- Really? What did thay say?
Well, they were quite attracted to the me
walking option, you know, for a moment.
but then I threw that off the table.
- Good move.
And I said if you started to show
some initiative I could promote you.
- Well you are doing it!
Yeah, the whole cake thing.
- Yeah
You're making up nicknames.
You know what? I called Demco this
morning to ask if he could work on Saturday.
You know what he said?
- No.
How did you know that?
- He's not here.
Oh yeah, but you are Car
And that's why I'm giving the job to you
Norm, that's amazing. My God. Thank you.
- I saw the raise in it for you too.
Bump up your salary to sixty-five.
- Thousand?
Of course, thousand.
Come one let's take this thing up a notch broseph.
See what I did there? I joined "bro" with
"Joseph": "Broseph". Pretty cool, huh?
Very cool, Norm.
I have been such a dick and a douche.
More of a douche than a dick probably.
I'm sorry. I should have been there.
I mean really.
- You're preaching to the choir, Carl..
I'm telling you man. Things are different.
- So wait, you have to say yes to everything?
Yeah, exactly. It's like you said, I wasn't open
to stuff, and now that I am, things are changing for me.
It's like, the era of yes has begun.
Alright. Look, if it gets you
out of the house I'm all for it.
Excuse me. can we get another round of drinks.
Actually, we're going to start a tab, and our
good friend here, Carl Allen, will be taking care of it.
You're okay with that right buddy?
- Yes, yes I am.
I should be prepping my piece for Mon,
but I cannot miss this.
Hey, yo, another bump of hot sauce.
Oh boy, you guys are really into this shit.
Carl, that was so awesome.
Excuse me, can I ...
- Absolutely.
I do not think that's
what she was asking for, but ...
Was I chewing gum before?
What do you think you're doing asshole?
- Easy, hey. There's a little misunderstanding.
I was just saying yes to life.
You gotta say yes to life.
I made a sacred covenent.
That sounded naughty.
I think you and I need to step outside.
- No. God no, it's ...
Okay. It's okay.
I got this.
But if I win, I get to take that
pretty girl of yours to a ball.
Because she deserves that.
Every prety girl deserves
to go to a ball.
That is so nice.
You punched me right in the face, man.
Come on, I got your back.
- You don't have anybody's back.
I'm sorry man, it's all our fault.
- I haven't gotten in a fight since grade 7.
Hey, are we going to fight or what?
- Yeah, we're going to fight.
We're going to fight alright.
Okay, you want some eh?
Because I'm open for business, okay?
Where did I go?
How do you fight what you can't see?
Did you see 'The Legend of Billy Jack'?
Because i'm going to take this foot and
I'm going to whop you on that side of your face.
And there's not a goddamn
thing you can do about it.
Just don't break my teeth off on the curb okay?
Let's really sell this. Give'em a show.
First we have to establish the ground rules.
And the ground rules are
there are no ground rules.
I am wrong guy.
- Maybe you need to start being the right guy.
That's why you got punched out. Because
you got the wrong attitude right out of the gate.
I'm over here, dickhole.
Oh my God, that's so funny.
- You're a complete...
Are you alright?
I almost blocked it.
I just didn't get there in time.
Look, we've been drinking.
He's really been drinking.
Seriously, I'm glad we had this experience.
I think we both grew from it.
Call me.
- Asshole!
Oh, she's never going to go to a ball.
No, she's not.
Okay, Tillie. There you are.
Hi Carl.
- What can I do for you?
I was wondering if you could
help me put up some shelves?
Oh really?
Okay, that should just about do it.
I'll see you later, Tillie.
- That was wonderful, Carl.
Not so fast.
Oh, what are you doing?
Damn, I forgot to go to the bank.
- Never mind.
I am getting so forgetful.
That happens with age.
- Don't worry about it.
I am going to have to repay you somehow.
Oh, just doing a favor for a neighbor's
good enough for me.
You are so handsome.
How come I never see you with a girl?
Well, I'm not in a
serious thing but I am dating.
Would you like a release?
- I'm sorry?
You know, sexual release?
What do we do here?
You don't have to do anything, Carl. You
just lay back, and I'll take care of everything.
I do not know what to say.
I'm stumped. Baffled.
I don't know if I'm going
to be able to say yes to this one.
Thanks for the offer
and the image.
I got this thing i gotta do, so.
I'll be seeing you.
Oh, come on. Give me a break.
Terrence said this would happen if I said no.
That's ridiculous.
If I want to say no, I'll say no.
Nice dog.
Just relax. I'll handle this..
Oh God!
Oh, wow. That was ...
How can you do that?
Costume party. Come as
your favorite Harry Potter character.
You got it, Norm.
Really? I always wanted to try it.
So I can expecy delivery anytime
between 8 am and 5:30?
We were wondering if you had a moment to
discuss the Church of Jesus Christ and the L.D.S.?
Yeah, come on in.
Buttercup Girls!
- Buttercup cookies.
Yeah, alright.
Hey, it's really working!
It's beautiful, man.
I do want to take guitar lessons..
I do want to learn to fly.
Yes, I would like to learn Korean.
Alright, now I got it.
What did he call me?
Homeless. Hmmm?
Come and get it.
He never listens.
I want to start an organic
fertilizer distribution business.
Want to see ... Oh, sorry.
- You know what? I'd love to.
Way to stick in there.
Here you go.
Hey, I came.
Rolling Rock, please.
Hello Jake, Penelope,
Rodrigo, Felipe, Zachary.
We are Munchausen by proxy.
- You're kidding me.
Hey, did you ever meet my friend Ian?
He is a computer hacker.
He helped me erase your MySpace page.
And your band's MySpace Page
And your Facebook page.
Happy networking, asshole.
Can I have a water?
Hey, out of gas makeout guy.
Did we make out?
Oh, right, we did. Now I remember.
What are you doing here?
- Is this crazy or what?
It's so crazy. Are you stalking me?
- No, I would never do that.
By the way, your new LR furniture,
it looks great from the yard.
Hey, uh, great, uh, gig, whatever
- Thanks.
Strong lyrics. Do you just make that stuff up?
- It gots some personal experience.
Do you want a drink?
Oh I can't. I have to wake up early
so I have to go but ...
Aww, really?
But you can walk
me to my scooter.
I teach a jogging-photo group for people who
want to both exercise and practice photography.
Really, that's getting very popular.
It's in Griffith park and
we do a loop it's about 5 miles.
At six AM.
I haven't been up at 6AM in like...
That's early.
- Yes, but it makes for amazing pictures.
Okay, so you're in a band,
do the jogging-photography. What else?
Oh, whatever I want.
I volunteer at a shelter.
I paint a little bit.
That's cool. I've done some charity work.
And some nude modeling, FYI.
That's good to know.
If I ever need to ...
So anyway, my answer is yes.
I'd be happy to go out with you.
I didn't ask you not.
Could have fooled me with that
nude modeling comment.
You said that.
- Whoever said it, it made me very uncomfortable.
Why don't you come to my class tomorrow?
Why don't you stop smothering me?
Seriously, way too much too soon.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, um ...
Yeah, Rooney?
Yo, Carl. We're hitting the clubs.
We have a case of Red Bull.
Gonna pull an all-nighter.
You down?
Okay, guys everybody ready?
Cameras loaded?
Do we need to use a flash?
Not when the sun is up, Reggie.
Beautiful night, guys.
You take it to the limit.
I respect that. Hit me on the cell this week.
Do it again.
Carl, if someone asks me to describe
tonight, I'll just go 's-l-o-o-w'.
Back at ya man.
- Lee, I hardly know you
but I feel comfortable.
Look how close I'm getting.
Hello, Allison, it's me Carl.
I'm here.
Allison, I'm here.
Hey, who were those guys?
- That's Rooney and my
new friend Lee. He's a male nurse.
We hit a couple of raves last night.
It was totally off the hook.
Yeah, you seem a little hyper.
- I had a couple Red Bull's.
Have you ever had a Red Bull?
I'd never had a Red Bull before but I had
one last night and I really like Red Bull.
I got a new necklace.
It glows in the dark.
but you can't really see it right now
unless you do this.
That's really something. Doesn't
Red Bull make you crash pretty hard
No, I don't think so. No.
Hey, after we jog we should get a Red Bull.
You could get a Red Bull
and I could get a Red Bull.
We could share a Red Bull.
Okay that would be really...
- Red Bull.
That sounds g ...
- Red Bull.
I think id r...
- Red Bull.
Okay, a lot of energy. I like it.
Everybody, this is Carl.
Carl, this is everybody.
Hey, everybody.
Come on.
Let's get into ship-shape.
Got it!
Hey, Carl?
Are you Okay?
Hold it right there.
That's good.
I can't put my finger on you.
You're kind of unpredictable.
Kind of mysterious.
I like to keep it fresh.
I like to live it up. I like to mix it up.
If that doesn't jive with you,
we should end this right now.
I love that.
I don't know how people go through life
with the same boring routine every day.
Just shoot me.
- Right to the face.
Seriously, I dated this guy and I was
astounded at how perfectly content he was
just living his life in this closed off little box.
- I know. It's so frustrating.
I just want to grab these people and shake'em
and say 'wake up, you!'
'You're missing out'
on a little thing called life.
- That's so true
So, what happened to
closed off little box boy?
It just didn't work out.
It's a long history.
Same story you
were singing about last night?
Might be.
Closed off little boy. Tender topic.
Go no further.
Okay, if you must know
we lived together.
I thought he was it.
The one. Whatever.
And then, surprise,
He ended it out of nowhere.
for no reason, gone, never saw him again.
Wow, that's rough. I'm sorry.
Next time you really should warn me
about the length of the story
It kind of dragged on there.
- I'll work on that.
Yeah, just trim the facts.
Oh! Geeze,..
That was ... very healthy.
She is spontaneous. She's ballsy.
She has no clue what she's doing
and she doesn't care.
She's the complete opposite of me.
Carl, could you please pass the Cholula?
- Sure, Faranoosh.
How did you two meet again?
It's pretty cool,
You should check it out.
I'm engaged.
Should you be talking about
Allison in front of Faranoosh?
It's okay man. We just met.
She knows it's not exclusive.
Besides, she's totally not my type.
- I can hear you.
Oh, sorry, Faranoosh.
I never would have met Allison
if I hadn't said yes to the homeless guy.
You also wouldn't be on a blind date with
a strange Iranian woman. No offense, Faranoosh.
None taken.
Wow, I didn't realize
I was dealing with a 'No' man.
No, I think it's great.
Throw this away for me, will you?
Lucy. Faranoosh.
- Hello.
My friends are being really lame, and
nobody's offered to throw me a bridal shower.
Hey, I have an idea.
Carl, would you like to
throw Lucy a bridal shower?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
That would be great. I'd love that.
Problem solved.
- Yes
Well, thanks, Carl.
That's very sweet.
That's sweet, Carl.
- Thanks, Faranoosh.
Oh, I forgot. I've got to pick up
costumes for me and Allison.
Costumes for what?
Just kidding.
- That's okay, I blocked it & deflected it back.
Wow, cool costume, my man.
The only one they had left was for toddlers.
This is Allison, with her wand
made from a sequoia.
You must be Norman.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming.
Come in.
We've got drinks, you know, chips, dips,
and good people, just like you two.
Pace yourselves
it's going to be a crazy night.
Get in there, play the zone.
- Good dip, huh?
Got tons of it at Costco.
I have an exclusive membership card and
with that card I get access to the whole place.
I can buy large quantities
of anything at discount prices.
Can't anyone get one of those cards?
- No, I don't think so.
But I can talk to someone if you like.
- Yeah, put in a good word for us.
It feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?
I'm not going home.
Not really.
Alrighty gang. Who wants to watch Chamber of Secrets
Thanks for coming.
So nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you too. Thank you.
That's right, come in.. or go in.
And you just keep your hand there for a shake
The other hand goes around for a hug.
Thanks for walking me through that.
- Allright - Bye bye
Okay, guys.
All aboard the Hogwart's Express.
The next stop, Azkaban.
Hey, do you want to drive?
Hey, you're getting better.
- Yeah, not bad, huh?
I got it.
I got an idea.
We can't do this.
Why, are you scared?
Hurry, somebody's coming.
I see someone. Hurry!
This is crazy.
- I know.
But it's great.
This is unreal.
I couldn't agree more.
# Say you don't need those diamond rings #
# and I'd be satisfied #
# Tell me you want those kind of things #
# that money just can't buy #
# I don't care too much for money #
# money can't buy me love #
You know I never met anyone driving a scooter before.
I've never had anyone kiss me
on the stage of the Hollywood Bowl before.
Good evening, Los Angeles.
Please welcome to the Hollywood Bowl,
'Munchausen by Proxy'
I'm your biggest fan.
I killed her.
I'm a somebody.
I don't know about that.
C'mon, you gotta have freaky fans.
I don't think so.
We don't really have that much of a following
What are you talking about?
There's Rodrigo and the guys at the bar.
They can't bet trusted.
Then there's me and my friends.
That makes eight or nine
very unstable people.
How many people can this place even hold?
I think 17,000.
So each one of us invites
No need. I know our music
isn't that mainstream, but I love doing it
It's like my photography.
I know there isn't much demand
for blurry photos taken while running, but ...
I wasn't going to say anything.
You know, who cares?
The world is a playground.
You know that when you're a kid,
but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.
I love your music.
Everyone can take a photo
standing still
Hey, what are you doing?
- Stopping.
Come on, Carl. Run!
- Oh, thanks.
Wait right there.
- You got it.
Down on the ground.
- Whatever you say.
Carl, what are you doing? Let's go.
- Alright. I can't please everyone.
Hello everybody.
A little vitamin C.
Keep you straightened out.
I will be right with you.
Pass those out, will you?
- Hey.
What up? My brizzo?
That is not right, is it?
- Carl, I need you for a second.
Can you hang on a minute, Lee?
What is going on, Norm?
Something going down on a big scale.
A guy from corporate is here.
Don't look.
He wants to talk to you.
I think it's about all those loans
you've been approving.
Eww, well, we had a nice run.
I might get shitcanned, Norm.
Anyway, don't worry about it.
I'm sure it will lead to something good.
Hey, I'm tied to this too.
I stood by and let it happen.
When you were feeling it?
You were in the loan zone, remember?.
Yes, I was.
- And I was watching you.
Yeah you were.
- But I'm afraid it's caught up with us.
Right now you and I
have to face the music. Come on.
Can I have one minute?
Lee, what do you need?
It may be my last loan.
It's a Ducati. I'm thinking it will get
people off my back about the male nurse thing.
See what I mean?
- Yeah.
Nice ride.
See you one the other side, Lee.
Wesley T. Parker. V.P. Brea Fed Savings.
- Pleasure to meet you
Every two months the typical
loan officer approves 35 to 40 loans.
You have given out 561.
A little more than average.
- What's even more unusual are the amounts
A $250 loan for a mountain bike.
$600 for windsurfing lessons.
- Have you ever tried that? It's fun.
Carl, this bank traditionally
has never given out small loans.
I can explain..
- Sit down, Norman.
You know at first I thought
you might be raiding our coffers.
I would never do that.
- I would if I could so why wouldn't you?
But then I looked closer.
These people are so grateful
to have their needs met.
More than 98% of them are
following through with the payments.
And because you've given out so many
of them, we're actually making a lot of money.
Carl, these micro-loans. Not bad..
See, Car. You worry-wart.
Carl, what would you say if i asked you
to work upstairs with the big boys?
- Wow. That's great.
I would have to say ...
- Wait, before we give our answer ...
let's talk money. dollars and cents worth.
I'm afraid I can't discuss that with you,
since we're only taking Carl.
Got it.
We'll have the employment contract
to you by the end of the day.
Nice work, Carl. Bump my fist.
Aww missed it. I was gonna fist ya.
- Here's a fist.
I especially love it in creme.
What do you think?
I love it.
Bridal Bingo?
How to play Bridal Bingo?
It's the same as regular bingo, but you
just use embarrassing things about the bride. Okay?
No, I'm not doing Bridal Bingo.
I do not want anything complicated.
You gotta squeeze every
drop of juice out of this experience.
It does not seem complicated.
Is it complicated?
Are you going to be asking a lot of questions?
I don't got all day.
Maybe we should just go somewhere else.
- It's okay, I'll talk to her.
is there something wrong?
There is something wrong.
Here I am, sitting here all day long
watching others getting engaged
and married over and over again.
It's just not fair! How about me?
How about Soo-Mi? When is my turn?
Ahh, I understand you.
Soon your time is going to come.
Do you see the lady who came with me?
She is my best friend's fiance
and she really hates my guts.
You'd really be hooking me up
if you helped make this fun for her.
Let's get on the same team here.
What do you think, Soo-Mi?
- Let's go for it!
Okay, Bridal Bingo is very simple.
I can explain to you in more detail if you want.
I can't believe this.
There is a man on the ledge trying to jump!
What can we do?
- What's going on?
He says someone wants to commit suicide.
I mean, someone's trying to kill themselves.
A jumper.
What the hell are you looking at?
Don't point at me buddy.
Lady, move that dog.
Buddy, can you move over a little bit?
Like two feet.
Did somebody call the police?
- Yes, but he'll be dead before they get here.
Somebody needs to talk him down.
- Move out the way!
Help him!
Hey buddy.
Who are you man?
Don't try anything. I'm going to kill myself,
so don't try to stop me.
- What do you mean 'Okay'?
No. I don't mean, 'Okay'.
Just give me a second.
I should say something here.
But I don't really know what it is.
- Man you're terrible. Are you even cop?
Hold on a second, I'm thinking.
Wait, I've got it.
Where you going, man?
My man? Hello?
- Don't do it, I'm coming.
Patience is a virtue.
What the hell are you doing in there?
# I wish you would step
back from that ledge my friend #
# You could cut ties with
all the lies that youve been living in #
# And if you do not want to see me again #
# I would understand #
# I would understand #
What is it?
# The angry boy a bit too insane #
# Icing over a secret pain #
# You know you dont belong #
# Well everyone I know has got a reason #
# To say put the past away #
# I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend #
# You could cut ties with
all the lies that youve been living in #
# And if you never want to see me again #
# I would understand #
# I would understand #
# I would understand #
# I would understand #
# I would underst... #
I've got blisters on my fingers.
Stephanie. Ted.
Hey. How's it going?
What are you guys doing here?
- We're doing a week in Tahiti.
Ted's father owns a little piece of property.
A hundred acres isn't so little, hon.
Not in Tahiti, anyway.
I saw you on TV. That was amazing, Carl.
It was just a little life that needed saving.
No big deal.
So, where are you headed?
Meeting my girlfriend here.
We don't know where we're going.
- Yeah, we're just going to pick a place.
Kind of an 'eeny, meeny, miny' thing
Keeps it fresh.
I'll see you guys.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
- Can you imagine?
I have some carry on, here
I'd like two tickets
on the first plane out of here, please.
We have never done this before.
The next flight available for boarding is to...
Lincoln, Nebraska.
Okay. Okay? - Okay.
Yeah, Lincoln. Here we come.
Where does someone go in Lincoln Neb?
- Well, clearly we should go there.
Telephone Museum
The earliest switchboard operators'
headsets weighed over 10 1/2 pounds.
- Look at this.
The first phone call ever.
- Pretty cool.
Check out the phone.
Smaller than I thought it would be.
Hold on. I'm vibrating.
Nice shot.
What do you know about that?
- Pretty sexy.
So, what do we do just....
I got it! I got it!
Can I do it again?
What's wrong?
Twenty bucks OK kills 'em
Hey, Pete. Mind putting that on a coaster?
What, do you live here now?
Yeah, I asked Carl and he had to say 'yes'.
Hey, is that Carl?
- Wait a second.
He's there in Nebraska.
- Wow!
This is the interesting part,
because if you don't take the heads off properly,
then everything gets mixed into the batch
Someone gets a beak in their bucket
or a mouthfull of tendons.
and you've got a lawsuit on your hands.
We got a fainter down in head removal.
I can't believe I tripped like that.
Huh, it seemed like you fainted.
- No, I told you my foot caught a nail.
Oh, okay.
I thought it was all the chicken beaks in the bucket.
- Don't. Please.
Oh God, it starting to rain.
I'll protect you. Come on.
Hurry. There's no time to lose.
We have to find shelter.
Come on.
Get in here.
It's okay. I got you..
Are you okay?
Are you hurt?
I do not know.
I think I love you.
I known that I like you for a while,
but now I have decided
that I love you.
Do you love me?
- Definitely.
I love you like
I can't believe it.
It's kind of ridiculous.
I've been thinking and I know
it's crazy, especially for me,
but maybe when we get back
we should move in together.
Wow? Really, you think of that?
What do you think?
- What do I think?
- Oh God, you paused.
No, I didn't pause.
- You paused.
No no no I didn't pause. It's just a big step.
- It was a stupid idea. I shouldn't have said anything
It is too soon.
- No, no, stop. Come on, what are you talking about?
Here, ask me again.
Do you wan...
- Yes!
Did I pause there? I could probably
knock a couple milliseconds off that.
Where are you traveling today?
- Los Angeles.
I'll just be one minute.
We should do this every weekend.
We could see the whole world.
I'm in.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Sir, you mind coming with us please?
I'm sorry?
We just want to ask you a few questions.
You are hilarious.
Aww, that's great.
Are you in on this too?
You guys really had me going there.
There is a crazy man in the terminal.
Red alert!
Good job.
- Let's go funny guy.
Do you hate your country, Mr. Allen?
- Do you hate America?
No, of course not.
- Why are you plotting to attack it?
What? - I think you have the wrong guy.
- I'm sorry, was I speaking to you?
We've been tracking you Mr Allen. We know
who you are. We know what you are planning.
This is insane.
Do you think I'm a terrorist?
Why did you purchase
these plane tickets at the last minute?
It was a spontaneous vacation.
Oh right. I was just saying to Agent Tweed how
I wanted to take a fun-filled acation in Lincoln, Neb.
Are you currently a member of
Yes, but you don't underst...
- Yes? What is that?
Faranoosh. It was nothing.
I can explain.... I can explain.
Explain this jackhole.
As chief loan officer at BREA F.S.L. you
gave a man money to start a fertilizer business.
For what? Bombs?
- No.
Have you recently started taking flying lessons?
- Yes. Oh come on!
Why did you learn Korean?
Are you allying with the North Koreans?
No! What?
You were married for only six months.
Was that some sort of immigration thing?
Were you married?
- Yes, oh, that was a long time ago.
I was going to tell you.
I was going to tell her, I just didn't ...
- Start talking, Carl.
If that is your real name.
We knew another Karl we weren't
too crazy about, didn't we, Tweed?
His name was Marx.
I need to speak to my attorney.
Several months ago, my client
attended a self-empowerment seminar
that requires him to say 'Yes'
to any request that's presented
So all the activity that appears
suspicious, the flying lessons, ...
the spontaneous trip taking
it's all because he must
say 'Yes' to any opportunity.
He is really in to it.
You just say 'Yes' everything? Are you kidding me?
- It's not what it sounds like.
Oh really? How does it sound,
because I'd really love to hear it.
I'm wondering if there's a
better setting for this back and forth?
Yeah, maybe we should
speak privately. Come on inside.
Whew, pretty close.
What the hell, Carl?
Are you serious, you just say 'Yes' to everything?
Even if you don't like it?
- No, of course not.
- Oh, good. What a relief
because I thought you lied all the time.
but it's just sometimes, that's really excellent.
So you didn't want to come to my show?
You didn't want to go jogging with me?
You didn't want to travel with me?
- Yes I did! That was my idea!
And when I asked if you wanted to move in together,
that took a lot for me to do that and I meant it.
and I didn't know what to expect, but I guess I
figured like an adult you were going to weigh the options.
You paused. You wanted to say no,
but you couldn't because you had to say 'Yes'.
That's not ...entirely ...true.
How do I know if anything you did was because
you wanted to or because of some goddamn program?
Bye, Carl.
I can't believe I didn't tell her
I was married. I'm such an idiot.
You know what I did?
- What's that.
She asked me to move in with her
and I hesitated.
That was like a 'no'. I should have
just said 'Yes' right away, you know?
That's how the whole thing got screwed up.
I broke the covenant.
No, you ever think things got
screwed up because you said 'Yes'
to every single thing without thinking?
Not because of a covenant you made with yourself.
- Well, this
...covenant with the universe is kind of a big deal man
There is a new ground rule, Carl.
You can process things. You can weigh them individually
and make decisions on a case by case basis,
aka what normal people do.
Yeah, that's a good point. Hold that thought.
Or not.
Allison! Please, can we talk for a second?
- Get away from me. -- Okay
- Yep.
Goodbye, Carl.
I just love good food.
- So do I.
Do you?
You know you and I are a lot alike?
Hey, it's me again
Specifically I'm talking about 15 to 20 percent....
Okay, I'm totally off the controls.
You're officially flying by yourself.
There's no greater feeling in the world, is there?
Hello Jake, Rodrigo, Penelope,
Phillip, Zachary.
I'd like to thank you all for coming for
no other reason than you genuinely wanted to.
In an unrelated note, everyone
else can go jump off a bridge.
No, it's Wes P., Big C.
Did I catch you at a bad time?
No, I'm just hanging here.
Okay, I'm just checking in,
seeing how corporate's treating you.
It kicks the crap out of dealing with those peons, eh?
Well I never really thought of it ...
- Hang on just a second.
Can you hear me?
- Go get the ball!
So listen . I've got a job for you.
We're shutting down a bunch of branches
and I need you to tell the managers.
Shutting down branches?
- Uh huh.
Which ones?
We are Sparta!
Hi, Norm.
You have three messages
Hi Car, this is your answer phone speaking
Nah, it's me, Norm, just a reminder
about the party tonight. See you there buddy.
Carl, it's Rooney. Thanks for letting me use your car.
You might notice the front bumper is missing
Not to worry. I gave them your insurance.
The whole thing is being handled.
Oh, and I left a pile of laundry
in my room. Don't forget, no starch.
Love you.
It's Peter. I'm sure you are aware,
and completely on top of it
but I just wanted to make sure that Lucy's
bridal shower is still on for tomorrow night.
I haven't received a confirmation
of any sort from you.
At all.
- Shower!
- Allright? Call me.
Hey guys.
- What's wrong?
I just really need to talk to you.
Come on inside,
I'll explain everything.
Oh my God!.
- Happy shower!
How did you pull this off?
- I just called in a few favors,
kept throwing money at it.
I like it. I like it.
That's Bert. He's in fertilizer.
And Lee. He's a male nurse.
Hey, let's get this guy a drink.
He doesn't have long to live.
- Thanks.
Oh, John Goodman.
- No, it's Alec Baldwin.
Oh, right. Nailed it.
Hey, thanks for coming, man.
How are you holding up?
I'm okay Car.
Taking it day by day.
Welll I got a friend I want you to meet.
Soo-Mi, this is Norman.
Norman, this is Soo-Mi
Hi there.
Can I call you Soo?
Do you dance?
Well, I've won some competitions.
Watch this.
Come on.
That's an interesting one.
- Yep, and it's half price.
This is the best wedding shower ever, man.
- You deserve it.
You allright?
- Yes
Still not calling you back?
- No.
What are you going to do?
I don't know. I guess I'll just stick with the
program. Keep saying 'Yes' to everything.
I know it sounds silly, but maybe
all that bad stuff leads to something good.
That doesn't sound silly.
Well, maybe a little silly.
You wanna get dinner tomorrow night?
- Yes
Not because I have to.
Well, you do have to.
- Yeah.
But you want to?
- Oh yeah.
So badly.
- Oh God, me too.
It's all I can think about.
- Really?
Hi there.
Hello there.
You must be Tillie.
I've certainly heard a lot about you.
- Isn't that nice?.
Would you mind helping me?
- Absolutely. No problem.
Come on, let's go.
- Hi, Carl.
Oh, Stephanie. What's wrong?
Can you come over?
We had this big fight and he stormed off.
These things have a way of
working themselves out.
I don't know. Not this time.
I think it's over.
Maybe it's supposed to be?
You know?
Part of me felt like something
wasn't right from the beginning.
I don't know, Carl. I'm so confused.
I'm kind of confused at this point as well.
Stay with me tonight.
- Oh, Steph ...
Steph, I can't.
I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
I'm saying no.
Are you serious?
Oh Jesus!
Oh please.
I didn't even see the red zone.
I've only been here for twenty minutes.
- Sorry pal, can't help you.
Oh come on, can't you give me a break?
'No man' 'No man' 'No man'
Not possible!
Terrence don't freak out.
Geeze, could that nurse be any more obvious?
She keeps coming in the room,
it's like 'Give me some space, woman.'
Again, I'm pretty sure
she was just here checking on Carl.
The covenant.
Hey, buddy, you alright?
The covenant.
It's coming down hard on me, man.
Gotta do something about this covenant nonsense
- It's not nonsense.
It is nonsense.
It's him.
Oh my God, Terrence.
You have to remove the covenant.
It's killing me.
- First, what were you doing in my car?
I told you. I need you to remove the covenant.
There is no covenant.
There never was.
It was just riffing.
Well, I had to say something.
You were being difficult.
Embarrassing me in front of my crowd.
So the whole thing 'Yes' thing is all bullshit?
No, you just don't know how to use it.
That's all.
Yeah I did. Say yes to everything.
Real tough to grasp.
No, that's not the point.
Well maybe at first it is.
That's just to open you up to get you started.
Then you are saying 'yes'
not because you have to
not because a covenant told you to
because you know in your heart
that you want to.
You're right.
That imakes perfect sense.
That's what I told you. I said that.
- You didn't say that.
I did say that
- You didn't say it like that
Well, I didn't say it with an accent
- Well.
Thanks, Terrence.
Sorry about the car and your head there.
What time is it?
- 5:40 in the morning.
I said that.
I'm going to hop in the bed
just in case the nurse comes back.
Sir, you need to get back to your room.
- No I don't.
Sir, stop right there.
- Eat me.
Lee, what are you doing here?
- I am a nurse, remember?
Oh, yeah, right.
Sorry, I borrow your car?
Well I don't have my car anymore.
I got my Ducati, thanks to you.
Have you ever driven one of these before?
They're quite powerful.
Yeah, I ride double all the time
on the scooter with Allison.
No, Carl, this is not the same.
You really have to be careful.
These things have a lot of ...
- Holy shit...
How are you doin'?
- Can't complain.
What an asshole.
Carl, what are you doing here?
I just wanted to tell you
that I don't want to live with you.
Oh, wow, thanks. My knight in shining armor.
Okay people, let's go.
But I want to be with you.
But I don't want to be with you.
I don't even know who you are.
Everything I said to you, I meant, except for
the part about living together.
That makes me nervous.
But that's normal. It's a big decision.
We shouldn't just jump into something
like that without thinking about it.
Why not? You do it with everything. You just
say 'yes, yes, yes' to whatever comes your way.
That's not true.
You can say no if you don't want to.
Oh, brilliant Carl. Where did you get that?
Your literature?
Look, I know the philosophy has some holes.
- Oh, you think?
Seems pretty air tight to me.
- But if I hadn't done that
I never would have met you.
Because the old Carl didn't think he was enough for anybody.
I thought if I said 'yes' to things and got involved with people
sooner or later they'd find out i'm not enough.
I didn't think I had anything to share.
But now I know what
I have to share is pretty huge.
And I want to share it with you.
- Do you mind, Reggie?
Seriously, dude.
- Sorry, seemed interesting.
Even if I had met you,
I never would have asked you out.
You were the complete opposite of me.
You did things and had friends,
and sang in rock bands
and made life happen.
You weren't scared of anything.
You don't think I'm scared of anything?
Who do you think I am?
I'm scared of a lot of things.
- And I'm scared too.
Let be scared together.
I don't know what you want me to say?
So just say yes,
but only if you really want to.
And can you do it kind of soon?
I'm starting to get a chill.
Yeah, I noticed that.
- Come on.
I'm not going to say that word.
- Okay, maybe is fine. Maybe's good.
I like 'maybe'.
Reggie, come on.
Excuse me but pleats are kind of out of style.
You got anything with a flat front?
Aww, Soo-Mi, pleats are out?
- It makes your package look good.
Thanks, guys. This is the single biggest
donation that we've ever haaad.
You're welcome,
but it was Carl that made it all happen.
You're a good man, Carl.
- No big deal.
I know a lot of people who are willing to give.
Say it a million times
Say it a million more times.
And the word you will have said two million times is:
Good God.
Subz by XCEL
So, anything else we need to know?
Your instinct is going to be
to break with your chin or your forehead.
Try to resist that.
- That's right - Right
Oh, and thanks for the loan. I never
could have finished the suits without it.
Listen, i'm not going to think anything
less of you if you don't want to do this.
I mean I'm still going to be attracted to you
if you're a little chicken.
What about one of those chickens
whose head didn't get cleanly severed
and my beak ends up in the bucket?
I'll see you at the bottom.
Unless you pass out.
I told you. My foot caught a nail.
I love this!