Yoga Hosers (2016) Movie Script

Now we're Glamthrax
And we take no shit
And we don't care
for writing hits
The sound you hear
is what we like
And I'll steal your
puppets like I stole your...
Yo, man,
what's the matter with you?
Sorry, I'll get it next time,
I promise.
Colleen beats the beats,
the beats you beat
The only thing harder
is the smell of my feet
So listen up 'cause
you might get dissed
go drain the lizard or take a...
Damn, c'mon, girl,
watch the beat.
I'm on your case
I'm in your face
Get you and your
father back in place
Step up sucker understand
- Don't you know that...
- I'm the man.
- I'm the man
- I'm bad
I'm so bad
I should be in detention.
I'm the man!
All right.
We've got real def rhythms
And fresh new jams
You say we got egos
But we're just hams
Roof shit, top shelf
And we like to skate
But we're never on time,
we're always...
- Sleeping.
- Late.
Damn it.
The important thing
is that you tried.
I'm on your case
I'm in your face
Put you and your
father back in place
Step up sucker, understand
- Don't you know that...
- I'm the man.
I'm the man, I'm bad.
I'm so bad I should be
in detention.
- I'm the man!
- All right
As this rap is winding down
It's plain to see
we wear the crown
You know Glamthrax is number one
But we don't care,
we just wanna have...
A festival.
Fun, Colleen,
girls just wanna have fun.
Hey, that's a song
Mailed the mail,
the mail she mailed
We are the queens
so all shall hail
We're like a diamond is forever
And we'll remain the hardest
I'm so bad it's a crime.
Not, not, not, not-not
Look at his cute little nipples.
Oh, my god, Ichabod, cover up.
You know, I don't have to come
and beat the skins
for you two Beliebers.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
You know we love you, Icha-wad.
Remember when he ripped
off his shirt before
and we saw his yummy Icha-bod?
I nearly wrote a whole blog about
it, girl, hasthtag Ichagod.
- You did?
- I did not.
Not, not, not-not
- Shit.
- No, what's that noise?
Oh, no, do you two
uncompromising rebel riot girls
actually have to
go back to work?
- Shut up, Icha-bodily functions.
- Yeah.
Excuse me,
Condescending Riot Girls.
Uh, we'll take two packs of
smokes, gimme a bag of milk,
and why don't you throw in
the best most exciting years
of your life
stuck behind a counter, eh?
You're a dick, Ichabod.
Oh, that's mean.
I call you Dickabod.
I can't believe it took you this
long to think of Dickabod!
Sorry aboot that.
Sorry aboot that.
Sorry aboot that.
Sorry aboot that.
Sorry aboot that.
Now, that was a lot
longer than 10 minutes.
My best friend was having lady
problems in the bathroom, okay?
May I shop?
Sir Pedophile-in-Denial.
So I'll see you guys Friday, eh?
I said, eh?
Um, True Norths,
this week's issue of Them,
and his Pucky Charms.
And, um...
Oh, my god,
this is about you two.
Yes, ma'am, and we hate it.
It says here
that you saved a man's life.
But it's, like, dumb
because the guy was a walrus
- and not a manatee.
- There's a big difference.
Yeah, a walrus has
tusks and manatees don't.
Did you know they called
the manatee a sea cow?
Moo, I'm utterly underwater, eh?
Moo, moo, eh?
That's her underwater cow,
it's hysterical.
That is funny. C'mon, Wayne.
Moo, moo, moo.
I'm a loser, eh?
Okay, that kid rules.
More of that,
less of everything else ever.
Hunter Calloway's here,
Hunter Calloway's here!
Oh, my god,
could you stop being so basic?
Oh, I gotta Gram the shit
outta this.
The little Colleen Coalition.
The only sassy, sexy...
sophomores in Honors history
rockin' the smocks.
Where's the Pepto Bismol?
Ew, it's over there.
Sorry aboot that,
he's such a sitcom.
Yeah, well,
we close in 20 minutes,
so if he pukes,
you're cleaning it up.
Let me ask you somethin',
you ladies like workin' the Zed?
- Not at all.
- Customers make it suck.
Yeah, you know what
wouldn't suck?
Colleen and Colleen
with me in between.
The very definition of suck.
Are the Colleen's, perchance,
working tomorrow?
Not on a Friday night, no way.
We're off, why?
I would like to invite
you both to my party.
A senior party?
A neenior nardy?
Now with two very
cool sophomores.
May I have the honor of
your number, mademoiselle?
Who's there?
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
- Wunderbar.
Oh, oh.
Get out of my bum!
A grade 12 party with boys?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not aboot to let you go to a
grade 12 party with boys, Colleen.
It's just a grade 12 party,
it's not the Nazi Party.
Senior boys only invite sophomore
girls to parties for one thing.
Well, me and Colleen don't do that.
And even if we did,
we have our periods this week.
No, you don't, little liar.
We're always in-sync and I don't
get mine for two more weeks.
Holy shit, you still get
your period Ms. McKenzie?
Please, you have to
let me go to this party.
It's only the most important
night of my entire life.
No way. Just the thought of
going to a grade 12 party
has you lying to me about
your menstrual cycle.
And you know a woman's menstrual
cycle is sacred, Colleen.
I'm talking aboot
the period blood of women.
Please, just let me go, Mom.
I promise won't sellout
on my gender ever again.
On one condition,
you bring something stabby.
They get cute, they get cut.
Holy shit.
I call her The Mohel,
she's my date knife.
So we start with
Pretentious Frog.
Pretentious Frog,
"I only eat grass-fed flies."
The Dissatisfied Customer.
Dissatisfied Customer.
"I don't like
the product you've given me."
Atlas Shrugged, Atlas Shrugged.
We've got Atlas
and then we shrug.
Do Lasers from the Wrists,
Lasers from the Wrists.
Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett.
Awkward Conversationalist,
we put our foot in a mouth.
Foot in the mouth.
Upward Dog, our favorite canine.
Downward Dog.
Here we go
Three-Legged Dog.
That's sad, Three-Legged Dog,
look at that dog.
But you know what's sadder?
Two-Legged Dog,
and he's in his little pushcart,
his little makeshift wheelbarrow
and he's pushing himself along.
We push right into
Lotus Position.
And we feel positive
energy all around us.
And let's hold onto that
positive energy in the room.
But, you know,
I did read on the message boards
that they've been finding
body parts all over Winnipeg
for the last few months.
Body parts?
Oh, yeah, arms, legs,
heads, scalps, torsos,
feet, hands, nipples, dinkies.
I said, "Take my dinky first,
but leave me my nipples."
It's basically a vestigial
dinky at this point.
But you take my nipples,
and that's my identity.
There's some real negativity in
the world, girls. But remember,
negative space can still be a design
asset, as long as you live the Yoga Way.
And you breathe the Yoga Way.
And. yes, you even have to
shit the Yoga Way.
Seriously. sit in Lotus Position
next time you're on the toilet,
everything just falls out of you.
Like you're dumping a book bag.
A book bag full of poo.
Okay. let me see.
That one's cute. that one's cute,
don't post that one though.
Okay. yeah, you look basic.
Oh. what in the ham and
eggs is this all about?
It looks like a
Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.
What'd you do. rob a mall?
- Hi. Dad.
- Hi, Mr. Collette.
What are you doin'
with all these clothes?
- We're screening outfits.
- Oh. yeah?
Whatever gets the most likes. we
wear to the party tomorrow night.
A grade 12 party.
A grade 12 party already eh?
Oh. where did my little girl go?
Aw. stop.
You two are gonna make me cry.
- I'm back.
- Hey. hey!
That's gonna make me cry.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- A little tongue
- I bit ya. eh?
I got a bite!
Oh. my god. It looks like
a Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.
I know. I know.
What is this.
What are you two doing?
They're picking out their
outfits for a party tomorrow.
A grade 12 party.
- Big time. big time.
- Oh. with seniors now.
I know.
She's only supposed to go
to sophomore mixers. I thought.
Yeah. right. C'mon. Tabs,
we all know you can't think.
Okay. okay.
When I went to count out
the register tonight.
The back room was a mess.
Okay. they can't be
practicing in the back
of the store anymore. Bob.
Last year. they blew out
the power with their amps.
Yeah. it's bad enough the
two of them are always
with their faces in their
phones behind the counter.
Such pretty faces too.
Pretty faces.
Lock up the store and go
play their so-called music
in the backroom with
that pederast loser.
- He's not a loser.
- God knows what else. eh?
That's disgusting.
Absolutely disgusting.
And. like. who are we? You?
Skeezing on losers
is your superpower.
This isn't skeezing. okay?
I fell in love with your father.
After he made you manager.
And as manager.
You know what I've noticed?
Where'd all the
beaver stuffies go?
Not the beavers!
Oh yeah.
- No. that's a big seller.
- Yeah. yeah.
They didn't sell 'em.
I checked the receipts.
She checked
She checked the receipts.
Where'd all my beavers go?
Frankly. Tabitha. I don't
give a damn about your beavers.
Goddamned yoga hosers.
Where's little
Miss Wo-Manager going?
We're just gonna go in
our room and we're gonna
I'm gonna we're just gonna
go watch a movie.
- Okay?
- Oh can you just do me a favor?
Can you just leave
the door open. though?
Love you. Dad.
Close the door. Bob.
All the way. Bob.
She told me not to.
God. she's the daughter.
Bob, not the parent.
You're in charge. not her.
What do you want me to do. eh'?
That's my little girl.
That's my little girl.
I'm your little girl. Bob.
Bob. do you wanna ride
the Ferris Wheel. Bob?
Don't talk about the
Ferris Wheel. don't talk about
Wanna go for a ride
on the Ferris Wheel?
I don't wanna Oh!
You wanna jump in
the bouncy house?
You'll let me jump
in the bouncy house?
- Oh. my god.
- What. you finished already?
Oh. come on.
I'm sorry. sorry.
What is she playing?
Babe I'm leavin'
I must be on my way
- The time is drawing near.
I used to sing this to her
when she was a baby.
- My train is going
- I see it in your eyes.
The love. the need,
your tears.
She she just remembers it.
But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love
to see me through.
She's just growing up so fast.
You know?
So please believe me my
heart is in your hands.
Cause' I'll be missing you.
You know it's you Babe.
Whenever I get weary
and I've had enough.
Feel like giving up.
- - You know
it's you Babe.
Giving me the courage and
the strength I need.
Please believe
That it's true.
Babe I love you.
Goddamned yoga hosers.
You know it's you Babe.
Whenever I get weary
and I've had enough.
Feel like giving up.
You know it's you Babe.
Giving me the courage and
the strength I need.
Please believe that it's true.
Babe I love you.
Babe I love you.
Oooh... Babe.
Ladies. Up Dog.
One. two. three.
What a farce.
I can't believe they
actually have the balls
- to try to call this Yoga.
- I know.
How are ya. girls?
Ms. Wicklund.
You photo bombed us.
Way hip. Ms. Wick.
What makes you two
think that you can sit out
of my yoga class this morning?
This isn't yoga.
This is like a parody of yoga.
And our yoga instructor gave us this
note to give to you. Ms. Wicklund.
We have permission to
sit oot anytime you do yoga
here in Phys Ed because he
doesn't want his teachings
derailed by what he calls.
"The abortion of Phys Ed Yoga."
Well far be it me to argue
with a strip-mall swami.
Uh. technically he's a yogi.
There's a school honor policy
aboot camera phones in PE.
There is?
Do any of you ladies want
to be photographed by these
two while you're all
sweatin' like hogs?
- No.
- I didn't think so.
Is she talking aboot us'?
No. she's talking aboot the
other two Colleens behind us.
I'm talkin' aboot
you're entire generation.
Generation Why Me? I call it.
You live on your phones.
You have no idea how to function like
normal people in the real world.
Ms. Wicklund.
This isn't the real world.
This is Canada.
Oh. is that right. eh'?
Well. how about you save
your Can-bashin' sass
for your tweets.
And your Facebookins'.
And try clickin' like on this.
No phones for the
rest of the day!
You can get 'em back at 2:45.
After the last bell.
Ms. Wicklund.
Our phones are who we are.
If you take away my phone like I'm
some sort of pygmy in Monaco.
- Who am I supposed to be?
- I feel like I'm going to pass oot.
And now Colleen M.'s
having hot flashes.
You're on a new
phone plan now. girls.
Unlimited minutes. unlimited
looks to the world around you.
And no roaming charges.
So go roam.
Withoot your phones!
Here I go.
Are you happy. Ms. Wicklund?
You killed Colleen.
- The gym floor was really hard.
- I know. it's okay.
Cess-bearing scholars.
Are you ready to go deep
inside the annals of history?
We're still talking aboot
World War ll.
Fascists. Genocide.
The worst thing that has
ever happened to human kind.
Why do we even gotta learn about
this old stuff anyway. Ms. Maurice?
I mean. it happened. like.
A million miles away,
like a million years ago.
Mon dieu?
You all think history
is so boring.
Well. what if I told you.
During World War ll.
There were Nazis right here.
In Winnipeg?
All of them making
preparation for the day Hitler
finally came to conquer
Canada and the United States.
There were Nazis here in Canada.
Ms. Maurice?
Let's see. what can
I tell you about Canadian Nazis?
Well. many years back
in the 1930's there was
a great depression
in the True North.
Canadians were hungry.
Some turned their hunger into anger.
And they looked for
someone else to blame for
the country's financial woes.
And as a result. in Toronto.
The first Swastika Club opens.
A pub full of drunks.
Offering up anti-Semitic rabble
aboot deporting Canadian Jews
to the Hudson Bay.
Wait. they wanted
to send them shopping?
Not to the Hudson Bay
department store. Ms. Collette.
I'm talkin' aboot the
actual Hudson Bay.
Put them all oot in the water'?
That's just so wrong.
The Canadian Union of
Fascists was founded right here.
In Winnipeg by a Manitoban.
And over in Quebec. you had
the big kahuna of crazy himself.
The nuttiest of all nut bars.
Adrien Arcand.
The self-proclaimed
Canadian fuhrer.
So. this Arcand guy was.
Like. Canadian Hitler?
Is that as bad as.
Like. Canadian Idol?
- Nothing's as bad as Canadian Idol.
- Right?
Let me take you back to
a time in Canadian History
this nation has tried
so very hard to forget.
In this trying time...
Adrien Arcand
was an anti-Semitic journalist
in Montreal who spearheaded
a series of fascist political
movements in Quebec before
the start of World War ll.
Why are you hungry?
Why are you unemployed?
Is it. as our ally in Germany.
Adolf Hitler. tells us,
the fault of the Canadian Jew?
Yes. it is!
Now Henry Hamilton Beamish
suggests that to save
Canada from ethnic ruin.
We must send all Canadian Jews
to Madagascar.
Instead. we at the Parti
National have a better plan.
First. we will round
up all Canadian Jews
and ship them off
to the Hudson Bay.
Then we will fire cannons
at their boats
and sink them!
Why are you not applauding?
These atrocious ideas
were met with derisions
from the good and
mighty people of Quebec.
This plan is the shit!
But not everyone in
attendance that day was from Quebec.
Wunderbar! Wunderbar!
Andronicus Arcane
was a brilliant scientist
from Berlin who was teaching at the
University of Lachute in Quebec
when he first heard the
clarion call of the Nazi Party.
So. Adrien Arcand took Andronicus
Arcane under his wing.
And soon there were more.
These jackbooted thugs
would torment immigrants
and minorities
throughout Montreal.
They called themselves the
National Unity Party of Canada.
Which was a very
polite way of saying
Canadian Nazis.
So what ever happened
to these guys. Ms. Maurice?
They ever get caught?
In 1940 the Service de
Quebec arrested Adrien Arcand.
And under the War Measures Act.
Arcand was locked up
as a security threat to
our home and native land.
He died in 1967 still believing
Hitler would rise again.
But what aboot
the man from Berlin?
Oh. Yeah. What aboot him?
Andronicus Arcane?
He was never found.
He just disappeared.
Perfect timing class dismissed.
How basic.
Straight from the Eh-to-Zed
it's the Mountie McBeaver Doll.
Oh. Where did
all my beaver stuffies go?
Well. frankly Tabitha.
I don't give a damn
about your beavers.
Are you doing me'?
- That's hysterical.
- I know.
C'mon. Isn't anybody on duty?
Who's dropping a
doodie in my office? Oh!
What a nice surprise.
It's Lulu and Lemon.
Good afternoon
Principle Invincible.
Good afternoon.
Colleen squared.
We're here for our phones.
We haven't had them since PE.
Ms. Wicklund unjustly
confiscated them.
And Colleen here fainted.
- I passed oot.
- Oh!
We're not
pressing charges or anything.
We're not going crazy.
We just want our
phones back now. please.
Oh. Of course girls.
And I am so. so sorry
that that happened to you.
The sad tale of
heart-wrenching woe.
I mean. it could win an Oscar.
Really. you could write it up,
sell it, and win an Oscar.
Seriously. you could call it.
Um. Twelve Years a Private
School Student.
You see what I did there?
I compared your privileged
lives to slaves.
And that's weird.
'Cause I'm black.
That's not funny.
Principle Invincible.
And keep your faces
out of your phones.
I don't care if they do have
a cool gummy rubber cover
that you can personalize.
- We have the same case!
- I know.
Very trendy. my friendy.
Oh. Ladies. I am an educator.
It is my job to shape the minds
of the young and the stupid.
So I need to be able to think.
Like the young and the stupid.
Which means I'm not gonna let
my students be cooler than me.
I do my research.
I read this rag. weekly.
Oh my god.
We read that every week.
Oh. I know.
The "Famous People Are Just
Like You" page is the best.
You know. when they, like,
show the celebrities
doing normal things.
Like. just like us.
That is the best
part of Them Weekly.
One time they showed
Harry Styles buying bacon.
- It was so hot.
- So hot.
Okay. all right.
I need to run this school.
Be good Colleens.
And be nice, all right'?
There's enough haters
in the world already.
Principle Invincible.
Oh my god. my phone's dead,
my phone's dead!
Oh my god! My phone's dead!
Children should
not play with dead things.
My name is Guy Lapointe.
Righty-oh. So the good news is
your school library does
indeed have a copy of my book.
Guy Lapointe and the Quite Queer
Case of the Manitoba Manatee.
The bad news is. regrettably.
Some naughty student
has decided to deface it
by changing the word "Guy"
and adding in "A"
so that it says "Gay".
And also.
They added a set of testicles
right under my nose.
You see that? You see that?
With that kind of.
You know, awful poking hair,
I don't know why.
Sticking out of them.
You can put it down now.
Oh. Okay.
Haters have got to hate.
Like the douches have to douche.
That's the life.
Right there in a nutshell.
I'm not referring to
that nutshell either.
I don't know if you
guys remember this.
But you know we did meet
once before. Do you?
- Oh. We remember you.
- You do?
Yeah. you came to Eh-2-Zed
with that American girl
and that podcaster.
Yeah. You're the legendary
man hunter from Quebec.
Yes. I am that man.
The man who saved
the Winnipeg Walrus.
Wow. you know something?
That's a very good title.
Guy Lapointe and
the Winnipeg Walrus.
I should've chose that title.
But. you know, still, we did
okay without it. I mean...
One critic even described
my book as. like.
You know. like a uh,
John Grisham-ist thriller
who was set in the Canada.
That review I
showed to my mother.
- Aw.
- Mm.
And you know, that was. like, the
good one, and the rest of them were
not so kind. you see.
I read one from the
Toronto Paper that said.
"This is what happens when
you publish poop."
People can be goddamn
mean. You know?
Sorry. That was very rude.
Sorry aboot that.
Right. on to my
questions then.
Do either of you recognize
this very proud and
quite hairy Canadian?
That was that giant fart
that called us yoga hosers.
- Oh. Toilet Paper Man.
- Yeah.
Why Toilet Paper Man?
Cause he bought toilet paper.
- He bought toilet paper.
- Duh.
And for this reason alone you call
this man the Toilet Paper Man?
- Well. yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't mean to be a critic.
Maybe I do.
Maybe you need to be hurt.
I'm telling you now. that is
one of the stupidest names
I ever heard in my life.
Very unimaginative.
- That's pretty rude.
- Yeah.
This man's name is
the Francois Jois.
He's from Gatineau. Quebec.
And he was a fugitive
from the law. and he was
hiding out right here.
Hiding from what?
He was hiding from the
investigating prowess of
the Service de Quebec.
Which is kind of a joke.
Because. like, they couldn't
find their own butt holes
even with. like, a butt hole
application on their telephone
to find their butt hole.
I probably shouldn't say
butt hole
to two 14-year-old girls.
I'm so sorry.
We're 15 and a half.
Well. whatever.
You sold a roll of Eh-2-Zed
discount brand bathroom tissue
to the Toilet Paper Man
at what time?
Right aboot closing.
Yeah. he was all mad because
we had the store closed
for. like, five minutes 'cause
we were going to the bathroom.
You went to the
bathroom together?
Well. yeah.
I had to poop and I don't like to
go alone there. The toilet's weird.
So while she's pooping.
You're sitting there with her?
Yeah. we're best
friends. Yeah.
Why would we not'?
That's quite disgusting.
Best of luck on your
academic journey.
Um. I don't know what you
plan to do in life.
But I can promise you that
you won't need algebra.
I knew it.
Good day.
Well. wait.
What'd Toilet Paper Man do?
So. Toilet Paper Man was killed.
Oh my god.
He was cut into.
Like. a hundred pieces.
Ew. no way.
Well anyway. you two
girls with the same name,
I thank you so
much for your time.
And I give you the Au Revoir
that I should have
given you before.
I thank you.
Ew. Why did your dad
text me. like, 37 times?
Oh my god.
He's making us work tonight.
You're going to Niagara Falls?
Yup. Cruising like a couple
of Californians. How bout that?
- Right now?
- Yeah.
You can't leave.
It's Niagara Falls. Colleen.
We're settin' sail on
the Maid of the Mist.
When did this happen?
Oh. Tabitha surprised me with it
as an early
birthday present this morning.
Okay. you listen to me.
I left you 10 messages
and a bushel of texts.
I'm sorry. but you gotta
work at the store tonight.
We can't. actually.
Yes. you can. Colleen M., 'cause
I cleared it with your mom
and you're going to be staying with
the McKenzies until Sunday morning.
Mr. Collette. we got invited
to a grade 12 party tonight.
Do you not remember?
All I remember is Tabitha
telling me somethin' about
flying to Niagara Falls. and after
that it is a blur of bliss.
So happy. Bob.
I'll get that for ya.
I love the leopard print.
I love the leopard print.
Okay girls. you're gonna be
working from six pm
until closing and don't forget
to set the alarm before
you lock up. okay?
You did this on purpose.
Didn't you?
You could have taken him any
day. but you picked today.
Just so we couldn't go
to the party.
I have no idea what you're
talking aboot. Colleen.
Goddamned yoga hosers.
I love you so much.
Cauliflower. I love you so much.
Listen. no boys. no boys.
No bull, no boys, no boys.
- Okay. I gotta go.
- Dad. Dad!
- Dad. Dad!
You can't leave.
- Come on. please.
- Dad. we have...
Oh. my god!
No. no. no. no, no.
Oh. you are killing me,
do you understand me'?
Killing me!
Bark all you want.
Lawyer pants USA.
I am not ceasing or desisting.
Oh. ls that so?
Well. I think you're being
rather obtuse and super fruity.
So let's just say Namaste.
And leave it at that. eh?
You piece of beaver shit.
Beaver shit?
Sorry. girls.
I am so sorry you girls
had to hear that parasite
stealing my energies.
With his legal entitlement.
Why does that lawyer
from Warner Brothers even
keep calling you Yogi Bayer'?
Oh. who knows?
He says there's some cartoon
character that I'm violating.
I mean. how can you
violate a cartoon?
How do you own a cartoon. right'?
It's like a thing that doesn't exist.
It's like owning a leprechaun.
So rude.
Okay. let's get back into it.
Enough Sasketoonin'.
Let's get
back into our Warrior One.
Up to Perfection. Colleen C..
Hold that pose Colleen M..
Hold it.
Warrior Two.
Come and get me now.
You serenity stealers.
All you need to handle
any situation in life.
Are the Warrior One and
Warrior Two positions. girls.
Master those and you will master
anyone who gives you shit.
Now let's go Lotus for
our closing meditation.
Yoga teaches us to take
what the universe gives.
And what?
- Embrace it?
- Nope.
Fight against it.
You fight against it.
Yoga demands that we grab
the universe by the throat
and we just choke it until
it bends to our will.
We inflict yoga on our enemies
until they join us in peace.
Always be peaceful change girls.
But if you have to. you destroy
everything that threatens
anyone or anything that you
love by hook or by crook.
That's the yoga way.
Please join me
in a final prayer.
Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.
Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.
Yoga Fett.
Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.
And sorry not sorry.
Confetti feel.
Caller. go ahead.
Oh. hey Bob, big fan
and a first time caller...
Hey. pack of True North Menthol.
Those are lights.
Sorry aboot that.
You know girls.
That's just not very Canadian.
C'mon Robin.
Let's get out of here.
When is one's
virginity technically lost'?
Like when what is the process
when you're going
through the sex process
of losing virginity.
That process?
How can one come out at
the end and then say like...
- Hunter's calling.
- So answer.
Colleen McKenzie!
Where you at?
You're missing a killer
grade 12 party over here.
Please don't hate us. but we
got called into work tonight.
That sucks.
Yeah. it really sucks.
Because there's like.
Nobody here tonight either.
Holy shit.
We could have a
party right here.
Hunter. Hello.
This is Colleen C.
We unfortunately cannot make
it to your party tonight
but we want to invite
you to another party...
At Eh-2-Zed.
Hold on. this shit's loud,
let me go in the bedroom
so I can hear.
Ah ha. sweet.
Sweet dude.
You want me to bring
the party to you guys?
Won't your dad flip if we're
drinkin' beers in the 'Zed?
Oh. don't you worry aboot that.
My dad's long gone in Niagara
Falls with the store manager.
And bring beers.
We don't have any booze here.
Did you say boobs?
What time should
we head to the Zed?
Nine o'clock?
Perfect. We'll be there.
And I can't wait...
to see you. Colleen M.
Show you what I'm
really all aboot.
What the hell was that?
Here we go.
Going to the Zed
again is so stupid.
Now. follow me on this. Gordon.
These girls just gift-wrapped
themselves for us.
We were gonna have
to dig shallow graves
after we cut 'em up.
Now we're goin' to their store.
We kill 'em in the store.
Shit, we can take our time,
do it right.
We can leave their bodies
right between the Pucky Charms
and the Chug-a-lugs.
And all we gotta do is take
the money from the register.
Break some shit
on the way oot...
And make it look like a
failed robbery gone bad. eh?
These stupid sophomore bitches
want to have a party at the Zed?
We'll give 'em a party at the Zed.
Their farewell party. yo.
Where should I kiss
Hunter tonight?
Ew. lips only.
I mean. in the store?
Keep it tasteful. McKenzie. Don't
whore him on the first date.
Casual. not contrived.
You give the best advice.
You're my best friend
in the whole world.
Aw. you're mine.
Hear that?
That's our destiny
knocking at the backdoor.
Ladies. we are here to
cordially accept your invitation
to party hardy.
Party. yeah!
What's he doing here?
And where's everybody else?
Hmm. where's everybody else?
Well. when I made
the other seniors
the same very generous
offer you made me
to move the party here.
Yeah. they all laughed at you.
Tonya Simmons said. and I quote.
"A party at the scummy Eh-2-Zed
with those two little
girls from honors history?
No way. eh?"
"I'd rather kiss
Gordon Greenleaf."
I'd rather kiss...
She didn't say that. man.
She was thinkin' it.
Anyways. I've never
been much of a follower.
So I left all
those losers behind
and came here to
hang with you two.
You left your own party?
Parties are basic.
This is better.
This is what they call in
the states. a kickback.
States. Eh?
And. I brought Gordon
so Colleen C. would have
someone to talk to while
little Miss Colleen M. gives me
a private tour.
Looks like it's just us. eh?
Maybe we should form
the Just Us League?
A little kickback hookup.
Yeah... heh.
So this is the
Eh-2-Zed backroom. again.
Colleen and I call
it the Highway to Hell.
'Cause Eh-2-Zed's right
through that door.
And Eh-2-Zed's
pretty much our hell.
Highway to Hell?
Devil talk always
gives me goosebumps.
You believe in Satan?
I used to believe in Santa.
Does that count?
So basic.
Me and Gordon
are way into Satan.
Kind of like how you and
Colleen are way into yoga.
Or your band'?
Now. the good news is that
we're Canadian Satanists.
So we don't go in for
any of that touchy stuff.
Your virtue stays intact.
It's gotta.
You know why?
You see.
Satan seeks his souls pure.
And there are no virgins
in grade 12.
- Mm-hmm.
- All the virgins are in grade 10.
Well. I've just been
waiting for the right person.
In the right place.
You are so adorable. McKenzie.
You think I want your body?
I don't want your body.
I just want your untouched.
Virgin soul.
But. well,
the shit sandwich of it all,
I kinda gotta cut
you open to get to it.
You know. I'll be right back.
Just one sec.
I thank you for your sacrifice.
Colleen M.
Every pure soul I give to
Satan brings me one step closer
to meeting the beast
and that's gonna be so metal.
What the hell's that?
That's my mom's date knife
pointed at your balls.
Is that enough metal for you.
Or do you want more?
Oh. no. no. no, no.
Can we talk aboot this?
Talk to The Mohel.
Okay. okay.
Put the knife down. pretty boy.
Okay. knife's down.
I guess I got a
little carried away there.
Sorry aboot that.
And I was gonna let
you get to second base.
There's something inside of me.
- Are you okay?
- Help me.
Oh my god!
Here we go.
Gordon. please.
Stop begging. okay?
You are not getting any.
My ass.
Gordon. I swear to God. If you
puke. you're cleaning it up.
Somethin' just
crawled up in my ass!
Is this what happens
when you smoke weed?
Oh no!
Oh my god.
Uh. Colleen?
What the hell was that?
Nein. Nein. Nein. nein.
- Sh... Sheisse!
- Oh hell no!
- Shut up.
- Nein! - Shut up!
Nein. Nein. Nein!
Nein. Nein. Nein. nein, nein!
Auf Wiedersehen.
Did you know Hunter Calloway
was religious?
Oh you piece of shit!
Shut up!
- Pull.
- Ew. no.
- Pull!
- Okay. okay, okay, okay.
Nein stretchy. Nein stretchy!
Uhh.. Ah.
Ahh... Ahhh.
Mein Kampf.
Security lights.
911. eh?
Hello? We're being attacked
by little sausage men.
With concentrated
sauerkraut for blood.
That look like Adolf Hitler.
Oh. Hitler. eh?
Well. he sure is a nasty camper.
Worse than Dr. Doom and
Darth Vader combined.
Yeah. boy.
Shut up. old man.
Send a bunch of cops to the
Eh-2-Zed on Portage and Wayne
- and bring some body bags.
- Little ones.
Hello? Hello?
Goddamned yoga hosers.
We've got wieners.
Check over there.
Sausage party.
I don't wanna die in Canada!
We're not gonna die in Canada.
- There's no other way oot!
- There's always another way.
The Yoga Way.
- The Yoga Way?
- The Yoga Way.
Okay. Warrior One.
- Hold it. McKenzie. Hold it.
- Okay.
Warrior Two. back to back.
Das frauleins!
Now. on Warrior Three.
We yoga the shit out of these
- bratwurst bitches. Okay?
- Okay.
Warrior three.
I'm not even supposed
to be here today!
Nein! Nein! Nein!
- Take off!
- Nein. Wunderbar!
Thank you.
I've got aboot 10 left.
I've got aboot the same.
Then let's drop that puck. Go!
Nein! Nein! Nein!
Hands up. Hands up.
Don't you move.
You goddamn yoga hosers!
RCMP. freeze.
This is so basic.
This is beyond basic.
- So basic.
- Shh.
Stop it.
I'm itchy.
Stop it.
All right. C'mon. c'mon, c'mon.
All right. You got aboot ten
minutes before the RCMP come back.
I'll try to stall 'em
as long as I can.
You know. thank you
very much for doing this.
I cannot know how to
repay you for this.
No. No. Thank you.
Look. this book, is my bible.
And you're like a goddamn
Canadian Batman. Eh?
Oh. That is so touching.
I cannot believe.
I'll stall for a second.
Um. I thought that maybe
you might need a stiff drink.
You saw my mom?
Where is she?
Well. she's out there and she's
trying to post bail. You know.
Your father. who's name
I think is Bob Collette.
They are having a heck of a time
getting in touch with that man.
He's in Niagara Falls.
The RCMP will not let your mommy
bail you out of here
because the RCMP don't ever let.
Eh. serial killers out on bail.
And they're saying
that you are both
the serial killers
because you killeded those...
Those eh. two boys, you know.
You killed the absolute
shit out of them.
But we didn't kill the boys.
We didn't kill anybody.
They were gonna kill us.
- They were devil worshipers.
- Yeah.
I don't really know much about
the devil. but there we go.
Somebody sure put their poop-holes
through hell. You know?
We didn't do this.
Who did then?
It was the Bratzis.
I want to know what this
Bratzi is. What is a Bratzi?
It's like a foot-tall Canadian
Nazi and it's made of Bratwurst.
They have concentrated
sauerkraut for blood.
And they dress like
Mountie Beaver stuffies.
Are you guys tripping
on the pot?
I mean do you even hear
how crazy that sounds?
Yes. So I go down
to the old Eh-2-Zed
and I will look around myself.
You know?
Guy Lapointe style. and you
want to know what I believe now?
I believe that I believe you.
You saw them?
I saw only this. You know.
It was buried in a wad of cheese
at the back of the microwave.
I found this.
What's this?
This is a land purchase
agreement signed in 1939
by the self-proclaimed
Canadian Fuhrer.
Adrien Arcand.
For 100 acres in the Winnipegs.
On this now sits a little
store that could be
very near and dear to
your hearts. I think so.
- Lulu Lemon?
- He's talking about the Zed.
Canadian Nazis were
the original land owners
of that piece of land
where that store is now.
And it is my theory that these
horrific monsters never left.
That's why I need both of
you to help me solve this
quite queer case
of the untold tale
buried beneath the
Canadian convenience store.
Which is probably what I
should call the book. I think.
Okay. so.
When do we get out of here?
We don't get out of here. I do.
You don't.
Because you're in the jail.
" Right?
I'm gonna speak to this
fool in French for a second.
Excuse me.
I can get you
inside the Eh-2-Zed.
As you said. I
can get myself inside the Eh-2-Zed
quite easily. little kitty cat
woman smarty pantsies.
But you need me
to show you the secret passageway.
She's saying that I
need her for the secret passageway.
What secret passageway?
The Colleen who
doesn't speak the French
has never heard
of the passageway.
My Dad showed
only me the secret passageway.
And I'll take you there.
But you have to
get us out of here.
That means shit.
Aw it's Hunter's chalk line.
Maybe we should Instagram it.
Ooh. right?
Uh. Mr. Lapointe?
Can we have our phones back now?
You want your phones?
No. I didn't steal your phones.
You didn't get our phones?
Do you mean that when I was illegally
breaking you out of the jail
that I forgot to steal your
precious telephones.
Is that what you're
trying to say?
Well. I'm sorry I'm so selfish.
How can I ever
make it up to you?
Well. you can start by letting us
change out of these prison rags.
Yeah. they make us look fat.
You listen to me.
You Lady Gagas.
You know that this is
not a photograph shoot
for the Canadian Vogue.
And I did not bring
for you wardrobe styles
with all that frilly business.
So what would you like to do?
Well. We have our Yoga
clothes and backup smocks
in the bathroom. can we at
least go change into that?
Yeah. and I'll take that
over this
Orange is the New Black
bullshit any day.
You have one Manitoban minute.
And then you will show me
the secret passage way.
So you must hurry up.
Hey. oh whoa.
No poopie stuff.
Okay. Colleen. seriously,
why didn't you tell me about
this secret passageway?
That's so cool.
Seriously. there is
no secret passageway.
I'm pretty sure there
is a secret passageway.
You said there was.
I'm pretty sure I only said that to
get us oot of jail. Colleen. God.
If we don't prove the Bratzis exist.
We're going away for murder.
But what do
we do aboot Guy Lapointe?
I don't know.
Colleen. I guess it's time
to tell him there
is no secret passageway.
- Oh!
Das boo!
Oh. you're awake.
Wunderbar. Wunderbar.
Wunderbar. Wunderbar.
Bratzis. no?
I would like to welcome you.
To my Canadian
Subterranean Stronghold
Located 37 feet below
the surface of Winnipeg.
Und I am Andronicus Arcane.
That's that guy Ms. Maurice
told us aboot in Honors History.
The man from Berlin?
Poof. He disappeared.
Yah. frauleins.
I am from Berlin.
This is why I have
an accent that sounds
both scary und creepy.
So in an effort to make
our future communications
less spooky and more friendly.
I will now be speaking
only in the voice
of American movie star.
Al Pacino.
I bet all
you need are the dulcet tones
of one of Hollywood's
greatest living actors.
Do you know what. that's not
a half-bad Al Pacino there.
Thank you.
- Who?
- Al Pacino.
Al Pacino. he was
an American president?
- Oh.
- Geez.
You see. the Third Reich
imprisoned me here
inside this Canadian
Subterranean Stronghold.
To build a clone army
that would conquer Canada
and the
United States of America.
I used my own DNA and
made the clone bodies from
the finest bratwurst and sauerkraut
direct from Deutschland.
So in 1945. I initiated
the 100 year-long
incubation process.
And I put myself on ice.
In a cryogenic chamber,
timed to wake up when my
little wiener babies
were full-grown clones.
But 70 years later...
We've got real def. rhythms
And fresh new jams
You say we got egos...
The little Colleens
would change everything
simply by singin' a song.
Goddamn it. Ichabod.
How much did you plug
into that socket?
You told me to plug
everything into that soocket.
We're 14 years old. Ichabod.
Yeah. what are we supposed
to know about physics. Ichabod?
You guys wouldn't talk to me this
way if I was covered in tattoos.
The power outage in
the Eh-2-Zed that night.
Shorted out my ancient Canadian
Subterranean Generator.
So I woke up prematurely
from my cryogenic slumber.
But the incubation process
had also been interrupted...
Forever stunting the growth
of my wiener babies.
My life's work was a failure.
That's so sad.
Yeah. maybe it
would be less sad coming from
American tough guy. Sylvester Stallone.
So. you know.
Even though making
clones was my life's work.
It wasn't my passion. you know?
This guy sounds like Groot.
No. he was being
Sylvester Stallone.
So. anyway,
before I got into science
and before the war.
And then before I met
Adrien Arcand. I was like.
"Yo. Adrien."
Adrian was the wife in the
movie of the Rocky Rambo.
He's very good.
And before the Nazi
No-good-nicks took over my life.
I was an artist. you know?
And my art was sculpting.
You know.
I'd chip away at the marble
until it was beautiful to me.
You know?
I loved being an artist.
Except for one thing.
I'm talkin' about the
goddamned critics. you know?
They told me I had no talent.
They told me I stink on ice.
They're so negative and hurtful.
They cut me. man.
They drove me away from doing
the thing I really love to do.
Ya know. being who I am.
That's when I found
Adrien Arcand and Canadian Nazis
and. you know, Hitler.
You know that this man is
not a puppy on the internet?
Maybe my Stallone
is too aggressive
I will switch to a Hollywood
impression that is less threatening.
So. I didn't want to be
a Nazi for the rest of my life.
The exit tunnel of my Canadian
Subterranean Stronghold
got me to the backroom
of the Eh-2-Zed.
And one night. after closing.
I took my first steps
into a brave new world.
So. every night
after the store closed,
I would make myself at home
in the Eh-2-Zed backroom.
Where I learned to speak
English and do voices.
By watching every
single thing on Netflix.
I'll be...
I'll be back.
And I discovered that this
modern world worships popular.
Arts and entertainment.
I'll be back. I'll...
So, for the past six months.
I've been sculpting again.
Don't ya know?
Sculpting up a storm with the help
of my wicked little wiener babies.
May I present the debut of
my first new work in decades.
It's a sculpture
celebrating my beloved
adopted home of Canada.
I call it. the Goalie Golem.
So. what does everybody think?
Well. I will tell you
that this giant Canada man
is very bold.
And it's a real statement.
You know?
It captures perfectly
that kind of essence
of the True North. you know.
Oh. thank you.
But it also captures the
actual people that you killed
in the sculpture as well.
So I'm thinking that we should
all be very afraid right now.
But. Mr. Lapointe,
you and the Colleens
were never in any jeopardy.
You see. I brought the
Colleens here to help me.
I have a need for their
very specialized skills.
Um. I don't mean to be mean.
But I don't know
who this is either.
Do you want to try doing
someone we might recognize?
Uh. do you know the actor
who played the Batman?
I can do him too.
You see girls.
Each night as I slaved away
over my masterpiece.
One dream fueled me.
Uh. that does not
sound like Batman.
Yeah. Batman sounds like...
Where's the trigger? Uhh.
Where's the trigger?
Uh. where's the trigger?
No you don't understand.
He's doing the original.
The real Batman from the
televisions. Adam West's Batman.
- Wasn't it'?
- Yes.
It's supposed to sound like...
Uh. where's the trigger. Joker?
Uh uh.
Where's the trigger?
Do you know he never once
said that line to the Joker.
So just stop it.
The only thing I've dreamed
of for the past six months
is looking at a photograph
of me standing proudly
next to my sculpture on the
"Famous People are Just Like You"
page of Them Weekly magazine.
Oh my god. he reads it too!
Isn't that page. like, the best?
One time. they showed
Harry Styles buying bacon.
- It was so hot.
- It was so hot.
And this is my Harry Styles
buying bacon moment.
Now you are pleased
to photograph me
for Them Weekly magazine.
You're kidding!
You're never going to believe
this. Mr. Old Man. but
we don't have our phones.
Nein. nein. nein. nein, nein.
So much nein it's almost 10.
How can this be? You always
have with the phones.
The cops took our phones.
Surely you must have a phone.
Herr Guy.
My phone has no camera.
What the fudge?
So. nobody has a camera.
I guess we have to go directly
to phase two of my master plan.
Fly my pretties,
Fly! C'mon.
That's right. yes.
Wiener babies, let's go!
C'mon. c'mon.
Let's all go to the lobby.
Let's all go to the lobby
And okay for you. Mr. Straggler.
Now you inside there.
Now. my wiener babies.
Bring mein art to life.
Rise. rise!
Yeah that's what I'm
talkin' about. baby!
- Wow.
- Wow.
That's the same thing that
Them Weekly magazine
is gonna feel
when they see this baby.
For tonight he is going to
start his bloody rampage
across the True North.
Killing every art critic
in Canada.
Go my Goalie Golem.
Go kill the critics and all
the haters that gotta hate.
Oh. I hate those haters.
- You can't let him do this.
- You've gotta stop him.
Let me just hang on a minute.
He's not talking about
killing real people.
He's just talking
about killing critics.
Mr. Lapointe!
Let it go!
Use the ladder!
Go my Goalie Golem!
- We can do this.
- Yeah.
We don't need his help.
We do tons of stupid
stuff without adults.
- All the time.
- All the time.
It's just a bunch of
Bratzis in a giant suit.
And we beat a bunch of Bratzis before.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Okay but what are we gonna do
aboot Guy Lapointeless over here?
This epic fail?
Unhand me. Unhand!
Okay all we have to
do is do every yoga pose
Yogi Bayer ever taught us.
That's your plan?
What in the heck did your
yogurt instructor teach you?
He taught us to destroy
everything that threatens
anything and anyone you love.
By hook or by crook.
And that's the Yoga Way.
Frenchie. Let's go.
Wunderbar. wunderbar, wunderbar!
Hey Bratzi Party.
We wanna have a Weenie Roast.
Nein. Das frauleins!
Wunderbar. Wunderbar.
Nein. nein, nein,
nein, nein, nein.
You're objective is not
the Colleens. it's the critics.
- Nein wunderbar?
- Nein wunderbar.
This is all bad.
This is all wrong.
I give you two thumbs down.
Das frauleins.
As your maker. I command
you to crush all the critics
and the negative peoples
and the haters who
gotta hate. hate, hate.
Mein Heiny.
- What you waiting for?
- Haha..
I command you to kill a
negative critic right now!
Okey dokey. Papa.
Oh. Sheisse.
They just killed their dad.
Wunderbar. wunderbar,
All right. I'd say
we got his attention.
Boss stage. biotch.
Warrior one!
Now. warrior two, back to back.
Okay. now warrior three...
We crush King Koopa
and save Princess Peach.
Yeah okay.
Warrior three!
- Shit!
Atlas Shrugged!
- Atlas Shrugged!
Dissatisfied customer!
"I don't like the
product you've given me!"
So. this is yoga.
Warrior Two!
- Yoga Fett?
- Yoga Fett.
Yoga Fett.
Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.
Basic. right?
So basic.
Ah Schwein!
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
- Are you okay?
- It's been a long night.
You big bear riding a bulldozer!
Wunderbar. Wunderbar.
Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size huh?
Don't come to me.
Wunderbar. Wunderbar.
Auf Wiedersehen!
Three-legged Dog!
What the...
Two-Legged Dog.
In a Push Cart.
Mein spine!
Of all the times not
to have our phones.
I am so sorry ladies.
But I seem
to have dropped my
book onto your wiener.
No, no, no, no, no!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But this is getting ridiculous.
Now you're telling me that
you own Boo Boo Bayers too?
How can Warner Brothers
own something
that I just made up last week?
No. I did!
Yes. out of my own brain.
Smarter than what average bear?
No. No. No. I...
Sorry. sorry, may I speak?
Is it my turn to speak?
I think you need to
find some inner peace.
Mr. Yelling Lawyer Man.
So why don't you shove
your head up your anus
and look for it? Namaste.
Piece of shit.
Young ladies. Young ladies.
Might I just tell you I
am a huge. huge, huge fan.
Out! Get out! Take off!
- I'm a fan!
- Shoo!
No. No. No. you go!
- What am I. a dog?
- Shoo, get going!
- No. go, go!
- But I want to see them!
You're smudging my glass with
your perverted energy. go!
Sorry aboot that. girls.
I'm very incredibly satisfied
by those dissatisfied customers.
No. We don't want it. right?
And release.
Sorry about that guy.
Yogi Bayer.
No. No. No. do not be sorry.
That is not the yoga way.
In yoga. you're right
and they're wrong.
Savasana. ladies. Savasana.
You know. I am so
proud of you girls.
You really
legitimized this place
and brought honor to the
sacred strip mall yoga dojo
and a 60 percent increase in
walking traffic to boot!
My two best pupils.
Both faced the ultimate
evil. the yoga way.
And you kicked it's
little Nazi assner.
You girls are my kind of
And when I grow up.
I want to be as colossal
as the Colleens.
- Thanks. Yogi.
- Thanks.
Stop it. you're
going to make me cry.
- You're on speaker phone. Dad.
- Hi. Mr. Collette!
You've got work tonight!
Ooh. Lucky you.
You ready?
Already have a sign.
- Oh my god. Colleen!
- What?
Add another heart!
- Better?
- Better.
- Ready?
- Ready.
En Francois!
Welcome to
Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.
Scott Mosier.
Hey. Scott.
So. from Edmonton.
Good ol' YEG.
A team of police
officers were opening
Open up. Yoga hoser!
Yoga hoser. Genius.
Do you guys want some twig tea?
You look like you
could use some.
You look like a poutine eater.
I enjoy a good
poutine now and then?
- Yeah. who doesn't?
- Hey. hey, hey.
Don't engage with this guy.
Damn yoga hoser.
Don't go down the road with him.
We got a database
of yoga hosers.
You're the termites of Canada.
God damn you hosers.
Gnawing away at the
foundation of this great country.
With your smoky incense and
your patchouli.
It smells like a
Chinese brothel in here!
It's really hard out here
for a yoga hoser. man.
I want to start a podcast.
That's Smodcast for this week.
- I'm Kevin Smith.
- Scott Mosier.
Have a week!