You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939) Movie Script

- Come on, let's sit down.
- I don't want to sit down.
- Well, then, let's dance.
- And I don't want to dance.
- What's the matter with you tonight?
- I'm tired of being subtle.
Scram. B-o-t-p.
Beat it off the porch.
All right, Phineas Whipsnade,
but let me tell you something.
- I'll never buy gas for your car again.
- Aw...
- You care for some punch?
- No, thanks.
Impossibly stuffy in there.
- It was.
- I guess my collar's wilted.
It's lucky I brought a change.
As I was saying, Mother will be upset
about not going to Europe.
She'll miss her Baden-Baden.
Baths, you know.
- We're going to Bermuda.
- That'll be nice.
- You'd like Bermuda.
- I'm sure I would.
- Vicky, why don't you?
- Roger, I believe I'll have some punch now.
Punch? Did you say punch?
Oh. Excuse me.
- Well?
- Well what?
- When's the wedding?
- What wedding?
You didn't turn him down again?
Phineas, I've told you a million times,
I'm not in love with Roger, so forget it.
Love! You give me a pain in the neck.
The guy's gonna get a pile of dough when
he marries, and he's begging you to take it.
- I'm not interested.
- One sister, and she has to be a half-wit.
- That's enough.
- Listen, sister dear...
Roger will get tired of being pushed around,
and grab someone that isn't so dumb.
- As usual, Phineas, you have an angle?
- Sure I have.
Straight from the shoulder, you get a rich
husband, I get a job in his father's bank.
- And I'm going inside.
- Wait a minute, Vicky.
If you won't think of your own future,
think of the old man.
- What's Dad got to do with it?
- I know he's having a plenty tough time.
He could use help now after all
he's gone through to keep us in college.
- His last letter said everything was fine.
- Sure.
His letter also said the circus would be
in Bridgetown yesterday, but where was he?
I tell you he's in hock up to his ears.
- I don't believe it.
- OK. Go on your merry way.
Let the old man wind up
behind the eight ball.
I'm sorry. Oh, Phineas.
- Hello, Roger. That's a swell new car.
- Sixteen cylinders.
It is? How's chances I use it
for a few minutes?
Surely. Have the driver take you
any place you want to go.
- Who is it, new girl?
- Same one.
Where are we going?
Sorry to be so long,
but I was standing in the line.
Hah! Hyah!
Come on, step on it!
He'll get away!
You'll have to do better, Sheriff.
He'll be across that state line.
I'm doing the best I can.
- Maybe you can get more speed out of it.
- I got her down on the floorboard now.
He got away from us.
This is as far as I can go.
I'll chase him
through every state in the union.
Take me back to the sheriff's office.
~ 7-70... 75, 80 ~
~ Almost out of money ~
It's open! Come on!
Get your tickets at the box office.
The big show is about to s...
What's that, little girl?
No, I am not the good-humour man.
- The big show is about to start!
- One, please.
Thank you. Here's a seat
in front of the elephant.
- See the whole show.
- Two.
Thank you very much.
Down in front of the elephant...
- Count... your change before leaving.
- Thank you.
One right in front...
Hip! The big show is now going on!
No seats...
Pardon me.
I wish you fellas would keep...
Count your... Keep your hands
off my lunch, will you?
Count your change
before leaving the window.
Thank you.
My chapeau.
What are you doing there?
You don't want no trouble
with the unions, do you?
- I pay union wages.
- Which kind, the maxi-um or the mini-um?
The maxi-um or the mini-um.
You slay me.
Do svidanya, what's going on here now?
What's the idea?
I'm Colonel Dalrymple's nephew Chester,
your new assistant.
That doesn't give you
the right to kiss me.
- Hey, you got a match?
- Yeah.
Count your change
before leaving the window!
Mister, I'm supposed to pay you
$8 a week to learn me this business.
You can't do that.
The union says...
- You keep outta this.
- No, I won't.
The union said the mini-um wage
on assistants is 15 smacks a week.
Oh-ho, he's right.
I beg your pardon, young man.
He's quite right. Fifteen.
How much you got in there?
Fourteen dollars.
Another dollar, please.
- Fifteen is right, isn't it?
- That's right.
- Fourteen. Have you a half a dollar?
- Hey, I don't get it.
I got it, and I'm gonna keep it.
Count your change
before leaving the window.
- Two four-bit ducats.
- Thank you very much. A $10 bill.
Ten smackers.
Thank you very much.
There you are. That's one.
That's two, three...
Uh, pardon me.
Got a little pneumonia here.
Two, three, four...
- Step on it!
- I won't walk another step.
Make him drag you, lady.
He got you drunk.
Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
You gave me a $20 bill, did you?
10 and 10 is 20.
Count your change before leaving!
- You take the Wagner act.
- We had 'em last summer.
The worst acrobats I ever saw.
Liquor addicts.
That guy talks too much.
He counted "3, 4, 5" three times.
- Ain't it dishonest to keep it?
- He'd do the same if he had a chance.
Here, I'll split it with you.
One, two...
Why, there's only $5 here.
He's doubled the bills. Look.
- He tricked us?
- He thinks he has. Come on.
- Listen, you'll hear from me.
- Fine. Don't telegraph, write.
- There's been a mistake in my change.
- At long last, an honest man.
- Wanna return some money?
- No! I'm short.
Don't brag about it.
I'm only 5'8" myself.
I'm short in my money.
No mistakes rectified
after leaving the window.
- You're dishonest.
- Dishonest?
- Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego.
- You cheated us.
Sir, you impugn my honour.
As my dear old Grandfather Litvak said,
just before they sprung the trap,
he said, "You can't cheat an honest man."
"Never give a sucker an even break
or smarten up a chump."
- We want what's comin' to us.
- I'm gonna get it, too.
- You are?
- Yeah.
- You too?
- Come on, give it to us.
You are certainly both gonna get it.
What do you mean by?
You can't do this.
- Get out.
- He cheated.
That's libellous.
Demon rum. My heart bleeds
for those poor boys.
- We're being gypped.
- It looks like it.
- We do the work and don't get any money.
- I'll have to talk to Whipsnade.
- Talk? Action, that's what we need.
- What can we do?
I've been reconnoitring,
and I know where he keeps his money.
Charlie. So what?
- I want to get my hooks on it.
- Stay away from that box office.
You gotta fight fire with fire,
crooks with crookery.
Forget it.
- Bergen.
- Yes?
- He takes a shower every day at 2:00.
- I said forget it.
All right.
Just thinking, that's all.
Giddap, Napoleon.
~ Try-de-die ~
Thank you. Step right up.
The big show is now going on.
- It's time for the sideshow, Mr Ribsteak.
- Ribsteak.
You don't mean sirloin with onions,
by any chance, do you?
It's Whipsnade!
Gimme that ticket, you lug.
Gimme that ticket, you coot.
Give it to me!
Agh! Broken my metatarsal bone.
Ladies and gentlemen, this way.
Right up on this platform.
The world's greatest novelty -
the Pronkwonk Twins,
Elwood and Brentwood.
Elwood is ten minutes older
than Brentwood
and has been in a hurry ever since.
Ladies and gentlemen, Brentwood
is the smallest giant in the world
whilst his brother Elwood
is the largest midget in the world.
They baffle science.
- He's dishonest.
- Quiet.
- Listen to that guy lie.
- Quiet, you termites' flophouse.
Did you hear that?
That's the last straw.
I'm going.
Now if you'll take one short step with me
to the next...
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Upsa-daisy.
What a floperoo.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on this platform
we have The Great Edgar
and his whispering pine,
Charlie McCarthy.
They baffle science.
Are you eating a tomato,
or is that your nose?
- Shh.
- Oh.
Very good, very good, Charles.
You must come with me after the show
to the lumberyard
and ride piggyback on the buzz saw.
Nobody's gonna find me after the show.
Yes, they are. You'll be hanging
in my window as a Venetian blind.
That makes me "shutter".
Quiet, or I'll throw a woodpecker on you.
So help me, I'll clip that guy.
I'll mow him down.
- Just be quiet.
- I don't care.
For my first experiment,
I call your attention to this mystic cabinet.
Mystic hooey.
- This cabinet is entirely unprepared.
- So are you.
- It consists of three walls...
- And a false bottom. You can see it. Ohh!
- Will you stop it?
- Will you stop that?
This, ladies and gentlemen,
is the little maharajah.
- Where?
- No, you.
Me? Oh, yes. How do you do,
how do you do, how do you do?
- Well, hello.
- Hello.
- Ohh!
- Will you sit back?
My name is Charlie,
but I don't get billing.
- Will you let me finish this experiment?
- Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!
We'll go ahead, and I'll cause this little man
to completely disappear.
- You'll do what?
- And then reappear.
You'd better.
Bet him eight to five he can't,
and I'll double-cross him.
- Are you ready? Are you ready?
- For lunch?
- No, the experiment.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Go ahead. Take it away.
Wait a minute.
What's your phone number? Ooh!
- Will you sit back?
- OK.
- Now we'll go...
- Don't go away.
~ Zazazay, zazazay, za-ow! ~
I now call upon the powers of Yagabamba.
One smoked ham coming up.
Fine. Now to prove the cabinet is empty
and the maharajah has disappeared,
I will force this sword right through.
- Not yet, not yet, not yet.
- Ahem. Hurry up.
- One, two...
- OK.
There you see for yourself, he has gone.
Now, as quickly as the bullet flies from
the magic pistol, the maharajah shall return.
Oh, you got me.
And there he is.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
- Charlie set it up.
- So Charlie's in back of this.
Is he? He said it would
make the trick twice as good.
He did? Well, you've made the trick
just twice as bad.
- Tsk. Is that so?
- Yes.
- It was twice as something.
- Will you get out of here?
Yes, ma'am. Charlie,
will you let me down? Ooh!
That concludes my performance,
ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
- The big show is now going on!
- Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.
Count your change
before leaving the box office.
- Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.
- Uh, street gabber?
Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.
Uh, messenger boy?
- Thank you.
- Larceny Whipsnake?
Gimme that telegram.
It's not "Larceny", it's "Larson E."
And it's not "Whipsnake",
it's "Whipsnade".
- OK, Snake, how about a tip?
- I'll give you a tip.
I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.
It's an air raid.
Wish that was a gun.
I'd shoot you deader than a mackerel!
That's what I'd do to you, you...
What's that?
Well, I guess you're satisfied.
That's what I thought.
I wanna tell you something.
As long as you're with this show,
cut out those peccadilloes.
There's too much of the tomboy in you.
There you go. Get me up!
Get me up!
Give me a hand.
- How about a ticket?
- I got a dog on my foot.
Now he's biting me. Aah!
...before leaving the box office.
No mistakes rectified!
Boss? It's time for your bath, sir.
How time flies.
Seems only yesterday it was Monday.
- You sure runs on schedule.
- Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Don't open that door until I come back.
I can hear the bell.
Boss, the sword-swallower's got tonsillitis.
Can't go on.
Tears of Falstaff.
I haven't swallowed a sword in 20 years.
I'm taking on the personality
of a Mexican jumping bean.
First the contortionist gets rheumatism,
then the sword-swallower gets tonsillitis.
Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer.
Till I get rid of this cold, anyway.
What is that?
Ah, c'est bon, as they say in French.
Perfume de la mountain goat.
Come on, Queenie,
let go of that provender and give.
Give, Queenie! Give, Queenie!
Come on!
Good girl.
Hold it in your trunk a little longer.
Try to heat it up a bit.
~ I'd rather have two girls at 21 each ~
~ Than one girl at 42 ~
Gimme a towel.
- These aren't big enough to dry your face on.
- Maybe you better use less water.
Quite right there.
- Now, boss, look out.
- What is it?
- There's ladies.
- I thought the cassowaries got loose again.
You better put on your robe.
You might catch cold.
Yeah, thanks. Thank you.
Uh, uh and uh.
40 cents and 5 makes 45.
Five more makes half a buck.
Ooh, money, money, money, money.
Beautiful Whipsnade money.
Oh, help! Bergen, help!
Bergen, help! Help!
Help! Ohh, help.
- Charlie? Have you seen Charlie?
- No.
- Have you seen Charlie?
- No, I haven't.
- Charlie!
- Bergen!
Charlie. Blacaman!
Blacaman, the lions have got Charlie.
Ohh, poor Charlie.
- That's that.
- Bergen, help! Help!
Charlie? Charlie.
- It's about time you got here.
- Which one are you in?
- How do I know? Get me out of all of them.
- Blacaman. How did you get in there?
Don't change the subject.
How do I get out?
- Charlie's in one of these animals.
- Come on, boys.
I'm just north of his liver.
Oh, boy.
- Come in!
- Oui, that is he.
Will you help him?
We'll have you out in a minute.
All right.
I wish I had a flashlight.
Easy, boys. Easy.
What are you doing, dancing or wrestling?
Easy, boys. Easy, boys.
Ah, ah. Ah, daylight.
Oh, Blackie, old boy, boy.
Wait a minute, Blackie.
My foot's caught on a tonsil.
Open it up! Open it up!
Open up. Open it...
Oh, don't do that. Leave it open.
Get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
Oh! Oh, you dog, you.
- Oh, dear.
- You'll be all right in a few minutes.
I never want to go
through anything like that again.
Alors, alors...
Oh! Oh, excuse me, Blackie.
Yeah. Oh, merci beaucoup,
Blackie old pal. Yeah.
Pay attention.
I didn't go in there.
Whipsnade threw me in.
- That goes double, the snake.
- Yes. You say Whipsnade threw you in?
- Yes, he did.
- Why?
I don't know.
I'm innocent. Innocent.
- Charlie, look at me.
- What?
- Have you been in that box office again?
- Ohh... Yes. Yes, I have.
- Haven't I told you?
- But I didn't get anything.
- But Whipsnade caught you?
- Yes, he did, yes.
- What did you say?
- He owed us money, and I wanted action.
- Mm. And?
- And believe me, I certainly got it.
- Have you seen those things? Whoa!
- You'll be all right now.
- Charlie, this has gone far enough.
- You mean we can pack up?
- After the next performance.
- Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
My life ain't worth a dime.
~ Gwine to work all night,
gwine to work all day ~
~ Makes no difference
what the boss man say ~
~ You ain't gonna get no pay ~
Break it up.
Say, who's the head Ubangi around here?
- The head what?
- The head eageroonie.
You ain't referring
to one of us coloured boys, are you?
I'm referring to the head Ubangi.
I want to tell him how to make an easy $5.
Oh, you mean the head Ubangi,
the head eageroonie.
Look here, yeah,
I assumes that portfolio.
- All you do is hold an apple on your head.
- Oh, that's easy.
I bound around the ring
on a wild Percheron stallion.
Then I take my .404 elephant gun,
and I try to...
try to shoot an apple off your head.
- Try?
- Who's been fooling with that?
What are you looking for?
Nobody there.
There must be.
You ain't talkin' to me.
Ha. I'll tell you what to do.
Get a dozen or two apples,
because I may miss eight or nine...
~ Oh, ze, oh, zazu za
zazu za zu ze - ~
Act nonchalant.
~ Da da-da da... ~
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next act on the programme
is Buffalo Bella,
the only bearded-lady sharpshooter
in the world!
- Here he comes now.
- OK.
~ Help yourself to popcorn,
the rocks are in the box ~
- What is all this mumbling?
- Just singing. That's all.
- Shh-shh. Singing.
- All right.
All right. It's OK.
Come on, Bregasus. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the largest
Shetland pony in the world.
Come on, Bregasus.
OK, you ready? Ready? Re...
- Ready what?
- That's his name. Red.
- Oh.
- That's his name.
Shooting glass balls whilst perched
on the back of a wild Percheron pony.
~ And name rhymes with aim, ahh ~
Oh, a bull's-eye. Ha-ha.
Evidently a Ubangi in the fuel supply.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, ahem.
Hide it. Ahem.
- Enjoying it?
- Yes, thank you.
- He's very clever.
- Yes. He seldom misses.
- What?
- Oh, I mean...
- He hasn't hit anything yet.
- What do you mean?
Quiet, quiet, stranger.
- What's that?
- I don't know the kid.
~ Die da-die da-die ~
~ Oh, hidey-hodey, better loady ~
~ Za zazu ~
I wish to reiterate - whilst bounding
around the ring on this wild Percheron...
~ Now the coast is clear,
Oh, where there's smoke there's fire ~
~ I'd feel more rosy
if you'd hit him on the nosey ~
~ Oh, zazu za... ~
Scram, kid. Scram.
That, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes my performance.
I've bagged a covey of acrobats.
Beg your pardon, Miss.
Can you tell me where I can find Whipsnade?
Uh... No.
My name's Schickelgruber.
Gretel Schickelgruber.
Better known as Buffalo Bella.
I thought Buffalo Bella
was a bearded lady.
Yes, I just came from the barbershop.
Such a close shave I feel naked.
- Hey, come here.
- Wait a minute.
- No, wait.
- No, no.
I used to be one
of the Schickelgruber Sisters.
Remember them?
"Hi, lovely dumpling..."? "Slack wire"?
Would you like to make
a few honest dollars for yourself?
Do they have to be honest?
I bought the credit accounts of this circus,
and I'm in control.
I'll buy your IOUs
for ten cents on the dollar.
When I own the circus,
I'll give you half-interest
and we'll rename it
"Buffalo Bella's Wild West".
Won't that be ducky?
Oh, that'll be wonderful.
- Are you interested in any other man?
- Aah!
I'm not the girl you take me for,
you baddums, you.
You baddums, you old baddums.
You too.
You baddums, you.
You baddums.
I'm going to take your watch
and put my picture in it.
I'll be back sometime. Maybe.
Hello there, Miss Victoria.
How are ya?
Fine, Ernie. Thanks.
- You're quite a stranger around here.
- That's not my fault.
Hello, Bill. Henry.
Gonna pass me up, were you?
- Miss Vicky, I never knowed ya.
- I'll forgive you if you tell me where Dad is.
- I reckon he's in the sideshow.
- Fine. See ya later.
Let go. Let go, I tell ya.
Oh, it's you.
Not another cent.
You kids are disgusting.
Standing around here all day,
reeking of popcorn and lollipops.
Mister, I want more candy.
My little dog died.
Your dog died? I don't care.
Come here.
Your elephant stepped on him
and squashed him.
My elephant stepped on your dog
and squashed him?
- Where is he?
- I shoved him under the door.
You shoved him under the door.
Here. Here's a quarter.
Buy another dog.
That ain't enough!
I want a big dog!
A big dog'll bite ya. Now go ahead.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Go ahead. Go ahead, buy your dog.
Wait a minute.
That's your dog, isn't it?
- I guess he got better.
- I guess he did.
- Gimme back that money.
- No!
- What's this?
- Was ist los?
Oh, nothing's lost.
Everything's OK.
Fortunate for you you got a dress on,
or I'd bust you in the nose.
Now you can see for yourself,
he has gone.
As quickly as the bullet flies from this
magic pistol, the maharajah will return.
You missed me a mile.
- And there he is.
- Where?
Well... My friend, we must not attempt
to understand the supernatural.
At least he has disappeared.
Are there any questions?
How do you get out of here?
- Right here.
- Where are you?
In front.
- You don't know what I've been through.
- Come out.
- I can't come out.
- Why not?
- I'm caught on a nail.
- You're not.
- I am. I'll show you.
- Charlie, come out.
Stop this monkey business.
We have the next trick.
- What trick?
- Where I saw you in two.
That oughta be...
You do what? Oh, no.
- Will you come out?
- I'm not here.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm in conference.
- Whose idea was that, Whipsnade's?
- Yes.
- That's enough. Goodbye.
- Charlie.
Let go of me. Let...
Hey, Rube!
- Charlie...
- He stuck a knife in me.
I st... He stuck a... Ohh.
- Who's that?
- Princess Baba.
- Bow-wow?
- No. Baba.
- Goo-goo.
- No, Princess Baba.
- She's my new assistant.
- Mine too?
She holds your head in the next trick.
- She does?
- Yes.
- Why are you keeping me in here?
- You said...
Come, come. This is no time for small talk.
Let's get out of here.
I didn't know.
~ Zazu za za za ~
~ Za... ~
How do you do?
How do you do?
You will be careful, won't you, Baba?
- Yes, my little lamb.
- Oh, baa-baa.
I want to be your black sheep.
Oh, excuse me.
For my next experiment,
I will saw the little maharajah in half.
I'm a victim of saw-cumstances. Ha-ha.
- Charlie, look at me.
- I'm busy. Scram. Will you scram?
- Don't be afraid.
- Promise me it won't hurt?
- I promise.
- Well, anything for science.
OK, Bergen.
Yes. Sleep, sleep.
Say, what is this?
Ohh. You're in a trance.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
He says I'm in a transom.
- Charlie, I've got a good mind to...
- Why don't you use it?
- Listen...
- I know what you want. Do it again.
- All right. Sleep.
- Yeah. Uh-oh.
Oh, oh. Ohh...
- If you please, Princess.
- Ohh!
The box is made of solid oak.
Come in.
Watch this razor-sharp steel saw
tear through the body of the little man.
- Ohh.
- Don't worry. I'm here.
Yes, but dash it all, I'm here.
- Just ignore him.
- Bounder.
~ La-di-da, la-di-da ~
~ Seesaw my dear doll ~
~ Help, oh, help ~
Help, help, help.
Do you feel any pain?
Just hunger pains, that's all.
Cut right through my breakfast.
The little man is perfectly normal.
We shall proceed.
Toot, toot.
We are now passing
through the state of indigestion.
Uhh. That did it.
I now separate the two halves to prove
that there is no connection nor deception.
If you please, Princess.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
In spite of his condition,
the little man retains all his faculties.
I command you, move your feet.
- Where?
- Over there.
- Are those my tootsies?
- Yes.
Move your feet.
Move the feet.
- Who me?
- No, no, not you.
Well, I didn't know.
Charlie set it up... Oh, dear.
- How long have you been with the circus?
- Too long. In fact...
- Don't pay attention to him.
- It was a very nice performance.
Thank you very much.
It's a pleasure to have such a lovely audience.
Did you really enjoy it?
- Oh, it was splendid.
- Oh.
My name is Charlie McCarthy.
What's yours?
- Vicky.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Charlie...
- Oh, Vicky, Mr Bergen. Bergen, Vicky.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- Ventriloquism has always fascinated me.
- It has?
I'll be glad to explain it for you.
- I'd love to know, but I must find...
- Please stay. It'll just take a minute.
Oh, yes. Well, ventriloquism,
it starts here and goes up here...
- And it comes out here.
- It comes out there, yes.
Tell me, how do you talk
without moving your lips?
- Oh, now you're asking quite a bit.
- You're asking the wrong man.
He's noticed it, too.
Your... your voice isn't double-jointed, is it?
Oh, no. No, no.
It's, uh...
Well, may I have your hand?
Now, you can feel the muscles contract
in my vocal cords.
- Vocal cords.
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
- Like this.
You're lovely.
Did that come out of me?
Uh, I'm a little confused.
I guess he's talking...
Uh, can you throw your voice
just anywhere?
Oh, certainly, yes.
Won't you sit down?
Move over.
- How about the packing?
- Later on. Forget it.
That's what I thought.
I knew this would come...
Now, if you move your lips,
I can make you talk.
- Are you ready?
- Ready.
- What is your name, little girl?
- Vicky.
Now you know how foolish I feel.
Isn't it silly?
- Would you meet me after the show?
- Oh, now...
Just move your lips.
I'll do the talking.
- Will you meet me after the show?
- I'll be glad to.
Perfect. Now that completes
our first lesson.
- Are there any questions?
- Yeah, am I intruding?
You certainly are.
Hey, Whipsnade!
- Hey, are you Whipsnade?
- Weinstube?
- No, no, no, Whipsnade, you know.
- No ich kein die English sprechen.
- Aw, you dumb stupe.
- Ja.
Ja, you go 'way.
I break your throat.
Break my foot at the same... time.
I think we can do better
if we start over.
- So do I. Let's go.
- Stay out of it.
Oh, OK, OK.
- Are you ready?
- Ready.
- What's your name, little girl?
- Vicky!
Dad. Oh, Dad, darling.
I guess we'll pack now, huh?
Uh, what were you doing talking
to the unholy two over there?
I stopped to catch their act.
They're marvellous.
You were fortunate
to acquire their services.
They'll be fortunate
if we don't attend their services.
- You have to catch us first...
- Quiet.
"Have to catch us first."
Can you imagine that? I hate him.
Horse face. Uhh. Let go of me.
- Why, Dad? He's nice.
- Uh, let's go this way.
We won't be interrupted.
Tell me all about Phineas and yourself.
Uh, why didn't he come along, then?
I say, why didn't, uh?
Why didn't he come along with ya?
- I can't figure it out.
- Uh, wha?
- Oh, nothing.
- Oh.
I must read up on evolution sometime.
- It doesn't seem right.
- You mean we're not gonna quit?
It wouldn't be fair to Mr Whipsnade
to leave like this.
Why you?
Oh, I get it. I get it.
She... she is beautiful, isn't she?
Yes, she is. But of course that had
nothing to do with my decision.
Oh, no, no. You said
you were going to quit and now...
- Listen...
- Don't talk to me.
- Don't you want to meet her younger sister?
- Women and business don't mix.
- Has she got a younger sister?
- Yes, and lovely, too.
Oh. Oh. Hmm. Tsk.
I'm beginning to see your point now.
That's why I say we shouldn't be too hasty.
No. Let's not do anything
we'll be sorry for.
- Exactly.
- You're right.
It wouldn't be fair to Mr Whipsnade.
- Or his daughters. Catch on?
- Yes.
~ Tra la-la da-die die-die ~
- How's everything going, Dad?
- Fine, dear.
Last night they were so packed,
they couldn't applaud that way.
- They had to applaud this way.
- Let me do that.
What? Oh, thank you, dear. Yeah.
- You need someone to take care of you.
- Ah, quite the antithesis, my little plum.
- I was hoping you'd let me stay with you.
- Oh, no, dear. No, dear.
I couldn't break that promise
to your dear old mother.
Don't want you kids with the circus.
Another thing.
What's happened to that squirt
Phineas tells me you're with?
- I'm still going with him.
- He's very rich. Why don't you marry him?
- What about you, Dad?
- Nobody could take your mother's place.
Besides, circus doing great business.
I don't owe a cent.
- Salaries are all paid up to date.
- I want my money.
- What?
- I want my money!
Pardon me, dear.
All right, Mr Pronkwonk, go right ahead.
Be right back.
Got change for a $100 bill?
- No.
- That's fine.
I offer you your salary, and you
haven't change. That's sabotage.
- All I want's my salary.
- Ha-ha. Glutton.
Yes, indeedy, yes, indeedy.
You'll get your celery
and olives and mustard, too, yes.
Ahem. I'll right back in a minute, dear.
Yes, right back
Let go of me, will you?
Mr Wipesnose?
- Wipesnose.
- It's Windshade. Uh...
- Whipsnade.
- Whipsnade, yes.
Yessir. The ventriloquist has got
a tent full of ofays and can't go on.
- Why not?
- He's got the hic-hiccups.
The hiccups?
Tell him I'll be right over.
Don't touch that drawer.
Is it a holdup?
We were trying to cure our hic-hiccups.
- I'm afraid I can't go on. Hic!
- Gimme this...
- No, don't touch me!
- Drop him with a quarter horse.
Why don't you sandpaper that whiffle tree?
Got a splinter again.
- That's good.
- Remember, he's the boss.
- I don't... hic... care.
- Someone has to go... hic... on.
Well, let him monkey around
with Oli... hic... Oliver.
- You can have... hic... Oliver.
- Very good. I... I'll take O... Oliver.
Here, put him in my pitch.
I'll be right up there.
That reminds me.
I must order cracked crab for dinner tonight.
- Ha-ha. We certainly fooled him.
- Let's get our clothes changed.
- Vicky's waiting.
- Is she?
- Is her sister with her?
- Who?
- Her sister.
- Has Vicky a sister?
Oh, yes. Yes, she has a lovely...
What's that? Why, you said she did!
I'm sorry about that.
I had to do that.
Why, you double-crosser.
You-you-you cad.
You... you... you Whipsnade. I...
- A little castle in the air.
- Unusual place for a rendezvous.
Unusual but exclusive.
I'll let you in on a secret.
When I was a little girl,
this was always my favourite hideaway.
Oh. By any chance, did your father
ever find you up here?
- Many times.
- He did?
- Let's get out of here.
- I think we're safe with Charlie as lookout.
I don't think we can count on Charlie.
He's acting disagreeable.
I don't have to come up here
to be insulted.
What's the matter?
Have I hurt your feelings?
Well, a certain thing, but...
I told him you had a sister.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
follow me to this platform.
We have the great...
Keep on going. I have it. OK.
Ladies and gentlemen,
special announcement.
On this platform, the Great Whipsnade,
ventriloquist extraordinary.
He will be assisted by his little friend Oliver.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Whipsnade the Great.
Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you
for this mental and silent reception.
- Mr Whipsnade?
- Yes, Oliver?
- Can I ask you a conundrum?
- Certainly, Oliver. Go right ahead.
- Ask me. What is it?
- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?
I don't know, Oliver.
Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?
Because it's fur to the end.
Because it's...
Ladies and gentlemen,
what do you think of that?
Drinking and singing simultaneously.
It baffles science.
Proceed, Oliver.
~ His heart was set on becoming a banker
and wearing a high silk hat ~
- How did you come to join the circus?
- I was a dignified college teacher.
One day I dropped my dignity
and flew the coop.
- Must be fun working with Dad, though.
- Oh.
- There is Dad, isn't there?
- You can say that again.
- You like him, don't you?
- Talk yourself out of that one.
Well, he must have some fine qualities.
After all, you're his daughter.
- Maybe she takes after her mother.
- Why don't you keep quiet and look out?
Aye-aye, sir.
But you look out.
~ And he treated rich and poor alike
and it wasn't long before ~
~ He had accumulated nearly $1,000
in his own right ~
Away, boy. You'll draw flies.
~ And he'd charge 'em $500 and told 'em
that was practically nothing ~
~ He returned to the village
to see his own sweetheart ~
~ She looked coyly through
the imitation lace curtains ~
~ She'd gained a f... ~
~ Pounds in the ten years he'd been away ~
Dad means a lot to me.
Whenever I'm upset or things don't go well,
I run right to him.
- He's the one I can always count on.
- Wait a minute. You can count on me.
I know, Edgar.
I'm grateful for your loyalty.
Loyalty? Is that what you call it?
- What should I call it?
- If you ask me, I call it mush.
- I didn't ask you.
- I told you anyway.
- You keep quiet.
- Tell her you love her.
- Quit beating around the balloon.
- That's enough.
I'm hungry.
Whoop! I dropped something.
Hope I didn't hit anybody. Except one.
~ Calico dress ~
That, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes my performance.
Two bells and two cigars.
Two bells and two cigars.
What'd you do, eat 500?
Jiggers, jiggers, jiggers.
No, no, no.
- Want to make an easy $5?
- Sure.
I want you to chop some wood for me.
Follow me.
I can't understand why that fella hit us.
Gee, he didn't even give me a chance
to insult him.
I just opened my eye,
and a fist flew in. Gee.
- Must have been a mistake.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
You know what I think?
I smell a rodent, and I do mean Whipsnade.
- I don't think he would do anything like that.
- Oh, Bergen, don't be so naive.
Victoria, dear, some weasel...
took the cork out of my lunch.
Then a Lompoc comes along
and spills it all... over the place.
I was fit to be tied. I...
Honestly, Dad, you and your Lompo...
Yeah, he might be in here.
I'll tell you what.
- You go around, and I'll go through.
- We'll bottle him up.
- There, that's the last dab.
- Yeah, and I resents every dab.
You do? Forget it.
Want to look at yourself?
- I don't care how I look.
- You look very cute.
I don't... I don't care how...
I do...
Doggone, is that me?
Well, shut my mouth.
- Say, you know, I do look kind of cute.
- Yes, you do.
You little rascal, you.
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ha-ha-ha.
Well, ptooey.
Uh-oh. Here comes old rubber nose.
Hide your gold teeth.
- Hello, Edgar.
- Hello.
- Hello, Charles, my little eggplant.
- Yeah, hello.
Little nipper have his napper out
as we went through the tunnel?
That ain't funny.
I'm blacked up.
He's got a mouse.
Why, you have a mouse on your eye also.
We know the rat who did it, too.
Yes, he certainly earned his...
My heart bleeds for the little chap.
Hey, you, seen Whipsnade around here?
- Wha?
- Whipsnade?
- Fat fella with a big red nose.
- Yeah...
Come in, Sheriff.
I think we can help y'all.
~ Hoeing in the cotton
and the corn high ~
~ The corn, uh... ~
~ Uhh... ~
- ~ Uhh... ~
- Yeah.
Hey, what's it worth to you
if I point out Whipsnade?
- I'll give you $5 if you'll point him out.
- Five bucks...
How's my little magnolia twig?
Here's $10 I owe you.
Happened to think of it.
- Don't know what reminded me of it. Huh?
- Thank you, Mr W...
Pardon me.
I got a spell of coughing.
- You wouldn't give 20, would you?
- Charles, hold my hat until I return.
Let me out of here.
I'm blind. Lights.
Hey, boss. Boss?
Don't call me Hoss. Be the loving
little piccaninny you've always been.
Show these gentlemen around the circus.
They want Whipsnade, the entrepreneur.
- Entrepren?
- Quick, quick.
- Right this way.
- He'll show you.
Nothing to worry about.
He'll show you where to go.
- I got ten bucks out of him.
- Yes, he'll show ya.
- I got...
- Gimme that money, you rat.
- Give it to me.
- No! No! Sheriff! Sheriff...
Shut up. Aah!
- Agh! He's a can-eyeball.
- Sheriff.
I say, Sheriff, he's got my hat, too.
Get him, Bergen.
All right.
Here, Queenie. Some elephants' caviar.
Take it. Or leave it.
- My hat. Give, Queenie!
- Shh.
Cease, Queenie. Cease, Queen.
- Missed him, darn it.
- Thank you, Charles.
I shall send over a couple of pet beavers
to romp with you.
I'm innocent, so help me.
Yes, I suppose it was the wind
through the whispering pines
that said, "Give, Queenie."
Cease. Cease, Queenie!
Cease, Queen.
You shouldn't say, "Give, Queenie."
Cease, Queenie! Cease, Queen.
Red nose. Get him, Sheriff.
- Can't fool us any longer.
- Stand clear or I'll lay hands on you.
I'm serving you with this summons.
- I served it on him.
- You haven't served me, you served Queenie.
- You'll pay for this.
- Dictum de dicto!
Obstructin' justice.
We'll come back with a paper
that'll put you in jail, where you belong.
If I'm not here, don't wait for me.
Wait a minute, please.
- How much is this circus in debt?
- $3500. Why?
- I just wanted to know. Thank you.
- Aw.
What? You... you will?
Vicky, darling, you've made me
the happiest person in the world.
We'll make it Saturday night.
Fine. Well, goodbye, darling.
Robinson, I'm gonna be married.
- Very good, sir. Your tea.
- No.
Father. Father, I'm going to get married.
- Why?
- I had to stand there while she talked.
Now I understand the separation.
She's a woman who never stops talking.
Mother. Mother.
- Roger, Mother is talking.
- How did she look?
I'm not the kind who wants to talk
about anyone, but...
- I'm going to get married.
- Really? How nice.
- Girls, it's... Married, did you say?
- Saturday night.
Saturday? Lovely.
We're having the party anyway.
Of course you're all coming.
Dear, this dress was atrocious.
- I hear she waits for the sales.
- That's not the only thing she waits for.
You would be shocked...
Roger. Roger.
Isn't that like the silly boy?
He forgot to tell me who he's marrying.
Or did he?
Well, you must forgive me...
The big show is now going on!
The big show is now going on!
The big show is now going on!
The big show...
Children half-price.
Main entrance to the left.
Thank you.
What a pity your dear mother isn't here
to share this joy with us, dear.
She's the first woman to ever wear jodhpurs
with an evening basque.
She carried a riding crop at the same time.
She hit me with it once
when I was flirting with a girl in the show.
Nothing to it, though.
She'd have been the cynosure of all eyes
at your wedding.
I want to see Edgar and Charlie.
They're waiting for me at the balloon.
All right, dear, I'm going over there now.
You pack here.
I'll bring 'em back with me.
I'll be right back with 'em.
I'll bring 'em both here.
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.
All I hear is Vicky.
- Charlie, don't you understand?
- Yeah, I get it.
- Love, huh?
- Yes, I think it really happened this time.
Poor boy. Poor boy.
- Charlie, you could help me.
- All right, I will.
But if I'm nice to Whipsnade,
which is asking plenty...
- Yes.
...and you propose to Vicky...
- Yes.
...and she turns you down...
- Well?
- Then will you quit?
- Of course. There'll be nothing to stay for.
- It's a deal.
- You will be sweet to Whipsnade?
- I'll be more than sweet.
- I'll be sickening.
- I see.
I'll even go so far as... Uh-oh.
Speak of the polecat, and there he is.
Good afternoon, Charles,
my night-blooming jessamine.
My nostrils quiver at your pungent aroma.
Oh, thank you.
That's quite a compliment.
Considering the size of his nose.
Charlie and I were just saying
we should forget this ill feeling between us.
I have never been conscious
of any quibbling.
- Oh, that's fine, isn't it?
- Yes, I hope.
We know beneath your rough exterior
beats an honest and tender heart.
- Nice going.
- Thank you, Edgar.
I'll top it. We think you're the softest
hardboiled egg in the world.
- How's that?
- Thank you, Charles.
Thank you for those sweet pretties.
- Bergen is that way about Vicky.
- Oh, yes?
- Yes...
- He's waiting to propose to her now.
- I have hopes of being your son-in-law.
- In you, hope springs eternal.
At the mere mention of her name,
he rises to ethereal heights.
- That's what I had in mind.
- Wait!
- Help, help!
- Help!
Give my ethereal respects to St Peter.
- Help!
- Help!
I'll inform... the...
- We're loose.
- Help!
- Help!
- Help!
We're loose! Help!
Help! Make way.
Get out! Make way.
Dad, what on earth?
- Where's Edgar and Charlie?
- They've taken a powder.
I'll stand on good authority
they've absconded with our balloon.
- Come on, let's go.
- Dad, I can't believe it.
No, it's incredible.
As Grandma Litvak used to say,
never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.
Come on, let's... let's go.
Watch yourself. Come on.
- Ohh...
- Look, Charlie.
- Why, he did it on purpose.
- I agree with you.
Do you suppose he resented the idea
of my being his son-in-law?
From where I am now, I'd say yes.
- I know you're gonna be very happy.
- Dad.
Oh, come on, now.
Be brave, be brave.
Getting married is like buying a new horse
or going into a strange saloon.
- Sometimes...
- It's not that, Dad. I...
- See you tonight, Dad.
- All right, dear. Goodbye.
He certainly separated us
from terra... Ooh.
- You're not scared, are you?
- This is neither the time nor place for lying.
Oh! Whoa! Oh! Do something.
Whoa! Whoa!
- What was that? We hit something.
- No.
- What was that?
- Oh, it's probably an air pocket.
Yeah. Pocket has a bottom in it.
I... I don't... I... I...
- Oh, that's gotta stop.
- What?
- That's no good.
- What's the matter?
- I'm getting seasick.
- Airsick?
- What's the difference? I'm sick.
- I don't know what to do.
I do. Hold me.
- Oh, just throw me out, Bergen.
- Oh!
- Hang on, Charlie! Hang on!
Oh, no. Uh, hey.
- Why are you here?
- I'm a stowaway.
- A stowaway? Why?
- I don't know. Charlie said...
Oh, come on.
- Fine sort of thing.
- All right. What's the matter?
Plenty. We're in a free balloon.
- Free? Don't nobody own it?
- What I mean is we're in a runaway balloon.
Oh, a runaway. Let it run.
- No, it's untied.
- Yeah? Well, why don't you tie it up again?
All you got... Oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Guess you waited too long, huh?
- You might say that.
- Where's the rope?
- That's just it. It's been cut.
- Been cut?
- What's holdin' us up?
- The gasbag is.
- Gasbag.
- Yes.
Gasbag holdin' it up.
- What holds the gasbag up?
- Gas holds it up.
- Yeah?
- Gas is lighter than air. That's why we rise.
- That's the principle of a balloon.
- Tsk. No.
Gas lighter than air.
Principle of balloon.
- Yes.
- Uh, no. I don't think it'll work.
Of course it will.
It's not ordinary gas.
- Oh. No good for cooking.
- No.
No-o-o. Will you cut it out, Mortimer?
What's the matter?
You want a pork chop?
What's he sulking about?
Never mind that.
How are we going to get down?
Well, let's see.
I could climb up on top of the bag
and push it down.
- Oh, no.
- No?
- How can you be so ignorant?
- Well... it ain't easy.
- No.
- No-o-o-o!
Hang on, boys. Hang on.
- The balloon can't stand this.
- Neither can I.
- We'll have to jump.
- Jump? You'll kill yourself.
- I have a seat pack here.
- What good is that?
- It'll save our lives.
- That little cushion? Yeah?
Well, throw it out, but you gotta be
pretty darn smart to land on it.
You're as bad as Mortimer.
This is a parachute.
- Oh, a parachute.
- Yes. It'll open up.
- Yeah, you hope.
- Yes.
- Are you jumping or staying?
- Yeah, well, I'll, uh, I'll, uh...
- I'll... What are you going to do?
- I'm going to jump.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- OK, we're jumping.
- That's what I wanted to know.
We'll be ready in a minute.
~ A tisket, a tasket ~
~ I'm singin' in a basket ~
~ Like a little birdie,
I'm flyin' through the sky ~
~ La die, the sky, the sky ~
- All right, here we go.
- Whoa.
Whoa, boy. Whoa.
- Aren't you jumping, Mortimer?
- No. I like it up here.
- He would, the sap.
- I'm sentimental. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Open up that thing now.
- All right.
First we jump, count five,
then we pull this ring.
It's getting more complicated
all the time, isn't it?
Ohh! Five. Five, five, five.
- One.
- No, five.
- No, keep quiet. Two.
- Five.
Uh, three.
Whoa. It don't mean a thing
if you don't pull that string.
- Five, five, five, five, five.
- All right, five.
- Hey! Oh, boy.
- You see? You were scared about nothing.
Oh, who was scared? Ha-ha-ha.
- That umbrella won't turn inside out, will it?
- There's nothing to worry about.
All right. I don't worry, Bergen.
You know me. Ha-ha-ha.
Remember, when we strike the ground,
pull your knees up.
- Yeah. I know about that.
- So you won't break a leg.
That's logical. What's that?
Oh! Oh! Oh, please! Oh!
Oh, I can't see!
Jump for your life, Kelly!
Here comes one!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my goodness. Oh!
- Get those drunks!
- Get this off my head!
- What's the matter?
- Get your hands off me.
- Please. Please!
- Lady, there's nothing I can do.
- I've got to get out of here.
- It's a free country.
- It was my fault. Let her go.
- You have to wait for the judge.
- You said that an hour ago.
- And I'll say it again!
- Cossack.
- What's that?
You shouldn't talk that way to the man.
- Can I use your telephone?
- You'll have to wait...
Until the judge gets here. Oh.
~ Za za za-za za ~
No? All right.
Mayor, I want you to stand here
during the ceremony.
Come up here, everybody.
It'll soon be...
- Roger. Where's Roger?
- Yes, Mother. Yes.
I want you and Victoria
to walk along here.
~ Here come... ~
Where is Victoria?
- She's late.
- She can't be late at her own wedding.
- Don't get excited.
- Who's getting excited?
Don't stand here, everybody.
They'll soon be here.
Ahem. Did you want to see me?
Yes, I did. On account of your unimpeachable
integrity and business perspicacity...
You know what that is, don't you?
Well, that's fine.
On account of that,
I'm going to leave you in charge tonight
whilst I go over to Passamaquoddy
and announce my daughter's marriage.
If anybody comes around here
and asks for me,
you just say,
"He's around the place somewhere."
You can remember that, can't you?
What are you gonna say to them
if they come around and ask for me?
Well, that's OK.
That's even better.
I'll be back in time
to get the show out of town as usual.
Well... Stop! What are you?
Stop it, will ya?
Trouble with you, young man,
is you got too much of the dictator in you.
- Here's your cape, boss.
- Thanks.
Gimme that coat.
Don't hand it to me that way.
Hold it up.
- So, how's the house tonight?
- Biggest crowd we ever had.
They belong to some kind of lodge.
- We're getting lodge members now.
- The, uh, lapel-pullers.
- Lapel-pullers? Never heard of 'em.
- They do that and walk in.
- They're coppers. Gimme my cape.
- I gave it to you.
- Gave it? Where is it?
- I...
There it is. Give it to me.
I hate you.
I'll cleave you to the ground, the both of you.
Starting a mutiny around me.
What happened to the boy
that held the apple on his head tonight?
Hit him right down there
in the abdomen, yes.
Yeah. Yes. Don't ask so many questions.
Sheriff, over here.
OK, look at the gas and oil?
Come on, Queen!
Stop that man! Stop him!
Hey! Hey! Get out of the way!
- Get back!
- Somebody stop that man in the carriage!
Don't let that man in the carriage
get away.
Sheriff, you go back and get your men.
I'll get the car.
Victoria will be here very soon.
I'm sure she'll be here any moment.
She's motoring down with Father.
Whoa, Queenie.
Here, take over these reins, groom.
Wait a minute.
That's a funny place to have a doorknob.
I get it.
- There you are. OK.
- Your card, sir.
Card? I don't need a card.
Wherever the people speak a civilised tongue,
the name of Whipsnade is a household word.
Take it or leave it. Well, well.
What a wickiup. Huh? Oh.
Once more.
Ring him once more, please.
Well, well... Wait a minute.
Give me a break on the advertising.
Just a little break.
Put it up this way.
See? Very modest.
Just in black and white. No colours.
Put it over there.
- Where's the bar?
- Dad!
Phineas, this is the proudest moment
of my life.
- I'm glad to see you, too.
- What a wickiup.
- Where's the mob?
- In there. Quiet.
- Where's Vicky?
- She'll be here in half a tick.
Be a lot of necks washed here tonight.
What are you doing there?
- Come here a minute.
- I was leaving that there as an advertisement.
- Look, these people are society people.
- I know, the crme dee-lay crme.
They have noblesse oblige.
We have acrobats with our circus.
They don't know about that,
so don't mention it.
I got a button on my lip.
I told them you deal in wild animals.
They think you're a big-game hunter.
Leave it to me.
I'll explain anything if left alone.
- Am I intruding?
- Not at all.
Roger, this is my father.
Dad, Roger Bel-Goodie III.
- Oh, hello, Rog. How are you?
- Your future son-in-law.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh uh-uh.
This is a surprise, huh?
Yes, it's a very pleasant surprise.
- Where's Vicky?
- She's gone down to the barbershop.
She's gotta get a permanent and a facial.
There's eight or nine men ahead of her.
She'll be at least 20 minutes.
Do come in and meet
the pater and mater.
Mater and the p'tater?
What's the matter, is he starved?
- Ah, here's the mob.
- This is Mr Whipsnade, Vicky's... parent.
- Ah, Vicky's paternoster.
- Oh.
- How are you?
- I feel rather poorly, thank you.
I got a little stomachache.
Or, a bit of a big stomachache.
I believe it was canned cherries.
They put them in the Manhattan cocktails.
- Don't agree with me.
- You have put on weight.
I got a sweater under here.
Always wear a sweater...
This is my father.
Well, well, well, uh...
- How do you do?
- How are you? Are you?
Your son tells me you've had experience
with wild animals - a big-game hunter.
I had quite an experience at Lake Titicaca,
Lake Titicaca, the Bolivian...
- Andes. Huh?
- What time is it?
I don't know. This chain, I've got it pinned
in my vest pocket with a safety pin.
At Lake Titicaca, I had
a wonderful experience with a rattlesnake.
- Aah!
- Stop it. My wife's allergic to snakes.
She is, eh? How unfortunate.
- Mrs Bel-Goodie fainted?
- Stewed to the whiskers.
- Get a doctor, quick.
- Up at Lake Titicaca, this rattlesnake...
- What's happening?
- Aah!
I don't know.
Probably had too much to drink.
At Lake Titicaca, this rattlesnake
was imprisoned under a rock.
I took the rock, rolled it
off the little fella's back.
To show his appreciation,
he followed me down to the...
Followed me down to the wickiup.
We were living there.
- Get her some whiskey.
- Get me one, too.
With ginger ale on the side.
I followed the...
The rattlesnake followed me.
Followed me down to my shack.
What's the matter with these guys?
Followed me down to the shack.
What happened?
I don't know.
Probably drinking too much.
Followed me down to the shack. Hello.
The rattlesnake followed me to the shack.
I put my sock over the snake.
To show its appreciation, during the night,
a marauder crawled in through the window...
Everybody's in a hurry.
- Was there an accident?
- No, nothing happened.
A marauder crawled in
through he window.
The snake, in order to...
Chinese people.
The snake, in order to show its appreciation,
sunk its teeth into the marauder's fetlocks...
into its fetlocks
and stuck its tail out the window
and rattled for a constable.
- Dad, see what you've done?
- What?
- You've ruined everything.
- How?
- Mrs Bel-Goodie's fainted.
- She's been drinking too much.
Gangway, gangway, gangway.
- What?
- Let me handle this situation.
- I'm sorry I distressed you, honey...
- Honey?
...with that little story.
Why, some of my best friends are snakes.
- Aah!
- See what you've done!
This is outrageous!
- Carry her upstairs.
- You've done it again.
- I was trying to make everybody feel at home.
- Why not leave that to the Bel-Goodies?
Let's get this thing straight.
- Where was the car?
- Beside the road.
- Where were you?
- Up in a balloon.
- No wisecracks.
- Who's crackin'?
- It's the truth. We were up in a balloon.
- And then we bailed out.
- Then bail yourself outta here.
- That's the trouble.
We haven't any money.
Then what did you call for me for?
Get 'em out of there.
Put 'em back where they belong.
Get out of here.
Judge, I'm gonna be married tonight.
- You are?
- Yes.
- You're going to be married?
- I'm sorry, Edgar.
Your Honour,
may I leave this bracelet as security?
Well, I guess it'll be all right.
Thank you.
Who's the lucky man?
Roger Bel-Goodie.
- Must be a swell fellow.
- He is.
Well, I wish you luck.
Thank you, Edgar.
- Well, that's that.
- Yeah. I know how you feel.
- Did you get that name?
- Yeah.
It beats me how a nice young girl like her can
get mixed up with a lunkhead like Bel-Goodie.
How'd he get out
of his scrape with that maid?
- Money.
- Ah.
- Did you hear that?
- Yes. She's marrying for money.
- Yeah.
- That's her privilege.
Whipsnade's in back of this.
She doesn't love the guy.
- What can I do?
- We'll stop it.
We'll get a gun. Dynamite.
Burn the house...
- Oh, no, no.
- We'll do something.
Then suddenly, from out of nowhere...
Bang! Bang!
Two shots rang out in the clear home air.
Two blowouts and not a spare.
Quite poetic, wasn't it?
Well, two boa constrictors,
who I had previously befriended,
wrapped themselves around my naked rims,
and off we went again.
What's happened to Vicky?
She should have been here hours ago.
She might have telephoned.
Well, I go 300 miles on two tires
and two boa constrictors.
Uhh! Aah!
Hurry. Hurry, hurry.
My dear.
And they left us
on the outskirts of the city.
And a tow car came along
and pulled us into Punxsutawney.
Lift her carefully, gentlemen.
- Thanks.
- Help me carry her upstairs.
Carefully, now.
She's very beautiful,
but don't you think she's overdoing it a bit?
Every time you look at her,
she throws a dummy.
You're ruining Vicky and my future
with those stories.
- I can tell 'em that drummer's yarn.
- No, no.
- I can clean it up a bit.
- Oh, Dad.
It's not the quality of the stories.
It's that you're talkin' too much.
- Come in here and sit down.
- I'd rather be in here. It's cooler.
Get away from those barflies.
What's that, a beaver's tail?
By the way, how is your Ping-Pong?
Huh? Oh.
- Are you speaking to me, honey?
- How is your Ping-Pong?
Fine. How's yours?
You want to make anything out of it?
Miss Sludge, this is my Dad, Mr Whipsnade.
Uh, that's the name, yes.
- Does your father play Ping-Pong?
- Do I play Ping-Pong?
Do I play Ping?
I didn't get you the first time.
I was one-time champion of
the tri-state league and the Lesser Antilles.
Didn't know one card from the other,
but I stayed up at night
and marked them with a pen.
- So sorry to have kept you waiting.
- Oh, that's OK.
- Shall I serve?
- I've had enough. Would you like one?
- I'm serving.
- Trying to make a drunkard out of me?
Nothing, really.
Cease! Cease, you rat.
- You crud! This do-little devil.
- Aah!
Quiet! Try another key!
Stop, cease!
Pardon me, dear.
I'm haunted.
Pardon me, dear.
Nothing. Nothing. Don't get excited.
Mind your back. Caught in a hailstorm
one time in the Dakotas.
Look at that.
Hold your breath, Pierre.
This is getting irksome.
He's cut up my aisle. Gangway!
~ Do de di dum,
da de-da da de-da ~
~ Da dum... di dum ~
~ Diddle-ee di da,
di-di day ~
- Ooh!
- Disperse!
- This is unethical.
- Shh!
Shades of Izaak Walton.
- Whoo!
- What a game.
What a racket!
Mind your back there.
This is the way the general used to help me
lob cannonballs back at the fort.
Look out, General! Here I come! Aah!
Oh, the vulgarian.
Dear. Oh, Archibald,
get that man out of this house.
There's nobody home.
Stop at the second floor.
Foreign department.
Groceries and liqueurs. Oh.
Sir, you absent yourself
from this house immediately,
you Pharisee, you pecksniff,
you egregious tartuffle!
Tartuffle. Is that good or bad?
- You're a fraud, a charlatan and a rogue.
- Aw, is that in my favour?
You're talking to my father.
He called me a tartuffle.
What kind of a tartuffle?
Are there two kinds?
Male or female?
- Dad, this is no time for levity.
- This is no levity. Declare yourself.
- Mother!
- Mother? Calling your mother, eh?
- Poppa!
- Will you leave my house, sir?
Now, don't try...
- Phineas.
- Are you all right?
- I'm so sorry.
- Where have you been?
- The funniest thing happened.
- Get that father of yours out of here.
- What's the matter?
- Everything.
- Why didn't you tell me he was a-a person?
- What's the matter with my father?
- Everything. He's...
- Common, crude, vulgar.
- I'll sue for defamation of character.
- I've been imposed on.
- I didn't ask you to marry me.
- You were marrying for my social position.
- Why, you insignificant, egotistical...
- You're speaking to a Bel-Goodie.
You're speaking to a Whipsnade.
Get off the trapeze
and into the sawdust where you belong.
You can't talk to my mother like that!
Cease! Hold it up!
Young man, if there is such a thing
as a tartuffle, you are just that thing.
One more peep out of you,
and I'll give you a sound trundling.
A pummelling, a trounc...
Unhand me, woman.
A trouncing. Tartuffle, huh?
Whipsnade, your conduct
is entirely reprehensible.
- That's him.
- Gildersleeves. Great snakes.
Take her upstairs, quick.
Right upstairs. That's it.
Run for the Grampian Hills, children.
Entrez into the chariot,
my own flesh and blood.
Uh, giddy-up!
- What are you?
- Traitor!
- Where are those Grampian Hills, Dad?
- I wonder, I wonder.
Where those swanky affairs are concerned,
I'm a square peg in a round hole.
That was the kindest thing
you've ever done for me.
- Yeah?
- I'm in love with Edgar!
- Oh? Come on! Come on!
- Stop at the jail.
- What's that?
- Stop at the jail.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I guess everything
has happened for the best.
No women in our lives, Charlie.
It's the open road for us.
Edgar! Edgar, come on!
I didn't marry him!
Did you hear that, Charlie?
Wait for us!
- Dad, Edgar just passed us.
- Yeah?
That's fine. We'll overtake him.
Come on, there!
Come on, you hounds.
Giddap, there.
Oh. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Ha. It's a great race, folks.
They're all headin' for the state line -
Whipsnade in front,
and Vicky and Bergen are neck and neck.
Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Glad I'm safe up here. Ohh!