You Can't Have It (2017) Movie Script

It was the night that
everything had changed.
No one could predict,
but some saw it coming.
Fernando was my best friend.
Last night, my brother.
Yeah, man.
I didn't think I could keep my secret,
but Fernando kept his.
You're a spy.
I'm drunk though, I am.
Shawn, my man.
Come on.
Oh come on man, you've
been working for three weeks,
you're still looking for ID's?
Suzanne, you're looking lovely as ever.
Thank you, $5 handsome.
Oh come on, it's the last night,
shouldn't we all get in for free.
Every week, every week.
Pretty sure I'm 21.
Bill, gotta keep the books clean
even though the place has gone to shit.
Even Shiam Simya doesn't
condone underage drinking.
You're weird dude, but I love it.
Come on in, let me buy you a drink.
I'm on the clock, Bill,
but you go in and have fun.
Jacob was not that good.
I disagree.
I worked with the man for six years,
we were like brothers,
there's no way that he could
have faked that he knew me.
Don't ever count anybody out.
I just totally don't agree.
Wouldn't be the first
time you were wrong.
How much money do we got?
Well Shiam Simya took it all.
You're obsessed.
They were all there, my wife Tammy,
my girl Sandra, my work buddy Tyler.
And Sandra's BFF Karen,
and of course, Craig.
All had their own secrets,
well except Craig.
Making a deposit, Tyler boy?
There's a free urinal in
here if you piss standing up.
I find it weird that you're concerned
at all where I pee.
Last night at the old
watering hole, huh, T money?
Let's go out with a bang, right?
Well far be it for me to tell a man
how to conduct his business.
For you, and one for you.
I got this.
What's up my man?
What up, brother, how are you?
Hey, how you doin'?
Oh, nope.
Why don't you look at a menu instead?
Don't worry, he's not looking at you.
Is that on the happy hour menu?
Even with a discount, it will
be more than you can afford.
Ah, you'd be surprised
how big my wallet is, baby.
All the size in the world can't make up
for having a credit
score of asshole pervert.
Well what do you expect
wearing a skirt like that, huh?
I expect you to first,
not smoke in my bar,
and second to order for the last time
so I don't have to see you anymore.
Wow, way to kill the
mood, sweetheart, geez.
Come on, you know what I want.
It's gonna be hard
for me to find another
good bar in this neighborhood.
Well you could, you know, branch out,
try new experiences, and
don't call me, sweetheart.
I'm not your wife.
Oh, my wife is not sweet,
she gives me cavities.
But you, if she was half as good as you,
I'd call her sweetheart too.
What is this?
What is this, you know
what I like, light beer.
Come on.
Well shit Bill, I guess I'm
distracted by your charms.
When are you gonna
finally stop pretending
that you're attracted to me,
give me some of that sweet....
First of all, who talks like that?
Why do you try so hard?
You got your light beer
right in front of you.
Well this beer only
quenches one kind of thirst.
You know how everybody
thinks girls dig assholes?
Well they're wrong, they
like guys with class.
Like your friend Tyler.
Oh, yeah I'm sure the chiseled body and
the washboard abs don't hurt, huh?
You're an asshole.
You might have your wife at home fooled,
and your sweet little
girlfriend in the corner
obviously wants you more
than anyone ever would.
So leave me the hell alone
and finish your drink.
Maybe I won't tell either of
them how friendly you are.
Oh, and I expect a good
tip for that wisdom.
Good boy.
Oh, speak of the devil, damn.
Hi, honey.
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
What are you doing here?
I thought you were going to a new club
with Jessica and Lizzie.
Oh, I'm not here to spoil your fun,
I'm gonna meet up with them in a minute.
Come on, you're not
gonna spoil all the fun.
But what's up?
I was just wondering
what time you'd be home?
Why didn't you just text me?
It was on my way.
I don't know, I mean,
it's the last night
so I figured I'd go the distance.
You're not in college anymore, Bill.
Well, one could argue that
this is like grad school.
What time?
I don't know, 2:00 AM,
5:00 AM, I don't know.
2:00 is fine.
No, I said 5:00.
What will it be, Tammy?
Oh, the usual.
Coming right up.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Tyler, what's up, look who it is.
Playgirl centerfold.
What can I get for you, sweetheart.
Hey, Jackie, just the usual.
Coming right up.
I don't believe this, what is this?
Believe what?
What, my wife, mentally addressing
one of my best friends.
Come on.
I can look, I just can't touch.
Right Bill, I mean that's
how you always do it.
Well, that only applies to me.
I will touch Tyler anytime
or place he wants me to.
Okay, all right, what is that?
What is that, huh?
It's sovereign blanc, it's a white wine.
Sovereingn what?
White wine, what are you on your way to
a Liza Minnelli concert?
Come on Jackie, get
this guy a real drink.
Come on, it's the last night, come on.
Hey, it's up to him.
Yeah, yeah, I'll take
something stronger.
Give him my usual, you
remember what that is.
Light beer, maybe?
That's a real professional, right there.
Well technically though, Bill,
that light beer is not
even a third as strong
as his white wine.
Ooh, well aren't we smart.
All right Tyler, tonight
we're gonna play darts,
we're gonna drink beer like men.
Come on, what do you say?
One last Mr. Phil's dart
game, what do you say?
Last game, you never
even had a first game.
Well maybe I'm trying to branch out.
God damn it, I wish
he would come play with...
Me too.
I would ride him like a donkey.
I bet he's hung like a horse.
Only one way to know.
You got that right.
I think I should go be with my husband.
Yeah, see ya.
Hey, girls.
Can I have a ginger ale please, Jackie?
Sure, coming right up.
Ooh, that sounds good,
can I have one too?
You got it.
Can you put some rum in mine?
Well actually, can you
put a lot of rum in mine?
Maybe some Jim, some whisky.
Hey, it's your funeral Karen.
Anything extra for you, Sandra?
Not quite yet, we'll wait a
little while before we start.
You guys wanna open a tab?
Happy hour for another 15 minutes.
Yeah, why do they call it happy hour?
I mean, that doesn't make any sense.
Shouldn't like every hour be happy hour?
Well you both look hot tonight,
let's just say you should be happy.
Ugh God, look Sandra,
Tammy's gonna leave any second.
I hope so, I need to talk to him.
You know who you should wanna talk to?
Tyler, god he is just perfection.
Look at him, he's so big.
Oh yeah, then there's Bill who's Bill.
Well Bill has his charms,
besides Jackie's in love
with Tyler, so.
Oh, love is definitely not
the word I would have used.
Well you better get up on that,
because that dick is mine.
You better turn your
attention elsewhere.
Who's your runner up?
Aw, Craig, you could be his one
and only doll for the night.
Hey, I don't know, where is he?
You may wanna find the nearest mirror.
Oh my God, wow, such a bitch.
I'm just kidding, he
usually goes to the gym
before he gets here, so he
should be walking in any minute.
See, consistency, that's
a good trait for a man.
No, predictability, no way.
Oh nothing, I just didn't
know you knew a word that big.
That's good.
It's all about concentration.
Is that all you got?
Okay, I'll eat my words, but watch this.
Too many people living in this world
Wonder what's gonna kill them all
I made it on the board.
I don't think that counts.
Not bad at all.
That was pretty good.
So, what the doctor say?
If you came with me you would know.
Come on, don't start this again.
I know, I'm sorry.
The doctor said that there's
no problem with your parts.
Some couples just can't conceive.
Okay, so what do we do now?
Well we're not entirely out of options,
we can keep trying, we can
adopt, we can get a surrogate.
Surrogacy, I get to
have sex with her, right?
And medically she's required to be
a 19 year old cheerleader.
Yeah, you know, doctors are so smart.
Come here, hey, hey.
Look, I know I talk a lot, okay, but...
Look, there are worse things
in life than ejaculating
into a cup while watching porn.
Well I do that now, just not into a cup.
Well, we can make a
sex tape if you want.
Or we could find a
girlfriend and have a threesome
for a while, until she gets pregnant.
Very funny.
No, you can pick the girl.
Oh, you're so considerate.
Okay, how about that one.
I'll see if she's interested.
Keep dreaming, tutz.
If you touch any of these
girls, I'll kill you.
Okay, sounds good.
Have a good time tonight.
See you at 2:00.
What was that about?
Oh my god, do you think Bill told her?
Not a chance, Bill
practically lives in secrecy.
Lucky bitch.
Okay look, her husband
is cheating on her.
He spends every possible
moment in this shitty bar.
I'm sorry, I love you very
much but this is a shitty bar.
What the hell do you see in him?
Hello, he's got looks,
and charm, and brains,
and yeah, he's really, really cute.
And I thought I had low standards.
He's got a wife.
And she's gone so go talk to him.
I will.
I will, geez, just give me a...
Just give me a minute.
Hey, you think Sandra's hot?
Yeah, she's all right.
Would you bang her?
Are you serious?
Oh come on, it's a
simple man to man question.
Dude, you're a sex addict.
Yeah, maybe.
No come on, seriously,
there's gotta be somebody
that you're interested in.
Oh, Karen?
Mmm hmm.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie wants your ass.
I'm hooking you up with Jackie,
I'm gonna give her your number.
You a lefty?
Look, don't change the subject, okay?
I'm hooking you up with Jackie.
Oh, and there's Fernando.
Dude, calm down, it's
not even a big deal.
He fired me, I've never
been fired from a job before.
You'll find another job.
A government job's
supposed to be secure.
Look, just don't do
anything stupid, all right?
It's only a job.
Just a job?
Let me tell you something,
if I see my boss, I will murder him.
Whatever you say, bro.
Let's go.
His hair never moves.
Did you say he looked nice?
No, I said he...
What was that, what was that?
He made me look twice
to see if it was him.
Oh, right, right, made me look twice,
his hair looks nice, right?
What's up, dude?
Hey, what's up man?
I'm Craig.
Hey, Tyler.
What's that?
You shake like my grandma, dude.
Don't call me that, man.
Oh come on, lighten up, geez.
Not today man.
All right, let's just
throw some darts, all right?
Well I saw Tammy pulling out of here.
Yeah, she was here a little bit ago.
What, she's not gonna stay?
No, she went to checkout
some new cocktail bar
with her friends.
What, aren't we her friends?
So anyway, listen up, check this out.
Okay, so this guy who's
engaged to be married,
and he's always had the hots
for his fiance's sister.
Look at this guy?
So one day, they're home
alone and as the sister
keeps, you know, kind
of flirting with him
because she knows that he's
got the hots for her, right?
It's written all over his face.
So she says to him, "I know
that you have the hots for me,
"and I know that you're not
married yet to my sister,
"I'll have sex with you one time,
"and I promise that
nobody else will find out.
"We'll go upstairs right
now and we'll do this."
And so he hears this
and he's tripping out,
he's like, you know,
sweating, his heart's beating.
So he follows her
upstairs, gets to the top,
all of a sudden spins around,
shoots down the steps,
busts out the front door.
When he gets out there, the
whole families out there,
soon to be wife, mom, dad,
cousins, aunts, and uncles,
Future father in law comes
up to him, embraces him,
he says son, congratulations,
you passed the test.
Welcome to the family, you're the one.
What's the moral to the story, boys?
Don't cheat.
Always leave the condoms in the car.
Yes, dude?
Right, you with me?
I was with you, man.
You need a drink, let's go.
Tyler and I would like the usual.
Piss beer, got it.
I make no apologies for my taste.
I told you to stop calling me that.
Yeah, I'll have another.
Give me some Pink's Jackpot Vodka shot.
Ooh, vodka and energy
drink, good man, good man.
That's actually Sandra's
favorite drink too.
You mind sending one over to her?
Well Sandra just had ginger ale before,
and she's not drinking, apparently.
Why not?
I don't know, why don't
you ask her yourself?
I will be back.
Last night.
Yeah, man.
Is Karen sitting here?
No, she's in the bathroom.
She'll probably be a while.
It's fine.
What, just ginger ale?
Bill, do you care about me?
Do fish fly, do zebras have spots?
Why was Tammy pointing at me?
Oh yeah, I said that we
should have a threesome to
get you pregnant, but I
think that twosome would
probably work just...
I'm pregnant.
Oh my god, is it mine?
Yeah, it's yours, and I'm keeping it.
So you have to tell Tammy.
I will, I will.
Don't blow me off, okay.
When are you gonna tell her?
I want you to tell her tonight.
Okay, I will, I will.
Okay, shake on it.
What are we cowboys or something?
I said I'd handle it.
Now you're committed.
What a wonderful word.
Hey, hey!
Hey, that's not funny.
You're freaking me out, man.
I'm in trouble, man.
What, how?
Can I tell you a secret?
This is big.
Mine is more important, man.
I'm losing my shit right now.
I got Sandra pregnant. / I got fired.
What happened?
You got her pregnant.
Don't tell Tammy.
Shit, man.
Yeah, she said she wants
to keep it, what do I do?
That means you gotta keep it.
Oh really, is that what that means?
Well look, you're gonna have to tell
the wife eventually, right?
Now you have a reason.
You know what, the universe can suck it.
The universe hates me, the
universe is ruining my life.
Come on, I wouldn't talk
that way about the universe
right now, come on.
You know when Tammy finds
out, she's gonna kill me.
She's gonna literally kill me.
She's gonna find me at night,
she's gonna duct tape me
and slit my throat.
She's a crazy bitch but
she's not gonna kill you.
No, you've really seen
the tip of the iceberg, man.
Tammy is psycho.
Okay, why do you think
I'm still with her?
Shit, I wanted to leave her
after six weeks of marriage.
Besides, I told Sandy that
I'd tell Tammy tonight.
Well look, um,
do you want me to tell her?
No, no, think about it.
If you tell her, she'll
probably kill you.
But if I tell her, she'll
get mad I kept a secret
for a week, or maybe she'll be
calmer next time you see her.
Is that right?
Or she'll put a bullet in my
head the second she finds out.
Let's do this!
Can I get another shot
of Mr. Pink Jackpot?
Might wanna pace
yourself there, big guy.
You don't wanna finish early.
Hey baby, I'm always
the last one to finish.
Usually when the other
racers have finished two,
three times.
I'd rather finish myself I think.
Hey doll, it's way more
fun to finish together.
Come on, we could do it right now.
You, me, that little
bathroom over there, come on.
You're not even close to being my type.
What's your type, huh?
The shaman of sexy?
The midnight delight?
Come on, what could be
more your type, baby girl?
Uh, someone with an
IQ in the triple digits,
who doesn't smell or look
like he just stepped out
of a Hollister store, like Tyler.
You're way out of
luck on that one, baby.
Boy Tyler likes girls like Karen,
you know blonde, big tits, tiny waist.
Gee, thanks Craig.
Why don't you come to
the bathroom with me?
Introduce me to the twins.
Hey, I'd be happy to kiss the girls.
No one wants to go to the
bathroom with you Craig, okay?
What's wrong with all these guys?
Why are you wearing two shirts?
Because it's cool.
If I wanted them kissed,
I'd kiss them myself.
Prove it.
Not literally.
Karen, if they really
wanted you kissing them,
they wouldn't be staring at me.
Oh my God, he's such a douche.
And you're a bitch.
Look man, Sandra would probably kill you
if you don't do it.
God, look I'm...
Look, you're a good friend, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to make this all about me.
This whole job thing
must be eating you up.
Do you need anything from me?
Just focus on you, brother,
this is some heavy stuff.
Come on, let's go back
inside, we'll get some drinks.
Come on.
Working people, they fear
What, hey, I ain't your bitch
Hey, what you reading Ty Ty?
Hey, easy, come on.
Ooh, what a secret, huh?
Come on, you can trust me.
We used to sell investigations... /
for the FBI.
Are you drunk?
It's what, it's not even...
Nah, nah, I'm just getting started.
Come on, what's this all about?
I'll tell you later, I've
got an announcement to make.
Okay, whatever, just let
me know if you need to talk.
Well I appreciate that,
Bill, that's really nice.
Listen, Craig and Jackie,
what's the deal there?
Yeah, the muscular gentleman.
Who knows, I heard
last summer he got a DUI,
he shouldn't even be here.
Like I'm gonna miss the
last night at Mr. Phils?
Come on, this is my spot.
It could be your last
if you're not careful.
Make me my drink, woman, okay?
What are you a cop or a bartender?
What are you, a creamsicle?
You want the stick?
What, popsicle sticks aren't even big.
Well mine's a jumbo.
It's a fudgicle.
If that's what you're into.
Oh, okay, you're into Jackie?
Ow, ow, relax man,
you're hurting my shoulder.
Don't touch the hair.
Damn, geez, where'd you
learn that Bruce Lee shit?
My father taught me.
Craig and Jackie, seriously,
are they together?
What, together?
No, no, in Craig's dreams,
if he's smart enough to even have one.
All right, good.
So you want me to set it up with Jackie?
No, no, I don't want that,
I'm perfectly capable...
Come on, I got your
back, I'll handle it.
Bill, don't, don't do this.
Don't, don't, don't.
Um, shit, he's going there.
Tyler's into you.
You're lying.
No, he told me to come over here and
talk to you for him.
Why are you telling me?
It's not like you're a
good guy or anything.
Look, I know I have
my faults, all right?
But I always stick up for my friends.
There's always one guy in
a bar who knows everybody,
and everything that's going on.
After everything I've done for you!
You know I've come here
every Friday night since 1997,
when Mr. Phil opened up.
And a little piss ant like you
ain't gonna ruin my streak.
Hey Jackie, bring me my usual.
Are we clear?
Yes, yes.
You're a dead man.
I was just thinking about you.
Yeah, he's here.
He's talking to her a lot.
I really wanna see you.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't think tonight's the right night.
No, no, I do wanna see you.
Will you dress up for me again?
No, baby please, no, you
should not come here.
Okay, if you're sure it
can't wait, I'll be here.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, bye.
What's up buddy?
What's up bro?
Not much, how's it going?
Is that the blond
from the baseball game?
You don't have to tell me,
if you want a gorgeous blond,
Karen's tits are a whole other level.
Nah man, I dropped that
blonde a long time ago.
So who was on the phone?
It's just some dude.
What dude?
A telemarketer?
No, some guy, getting
work done on the car,
just boring shit.
Hmm, you ride a motorcycle.
I know, exactly, I'm
getting tired of the bike,
it's time to take the
car out of the garage.
Okay then, man, sometimes
you just wanna relax
in some AC on the commute, right?
What about, how come you
didn't take it to Larry?
What, he's not good enough for you?
Larry's fine, I just
needed something special,
this guy's good with rims.
You mean like rim jobs?
Maybe if you gave more rim jobs.
Oh, no, don't tell me
about your deep dark secrets,
all right, guy?
Well, speaking of secrets,
you thought about what
you're gonna say to Tammy?
I don't know, it's just something
you can't really rehearse, you know?
So I figured I'd just kind of wing it.
I feel you.
All right, let's
assume for argument sake
that I thought you telling
her was an okay idea.
about doing it?
Well you told Sandra
you'd tell Tammy tonight.
Yeah, I'm speaking hypothetically,
I know what I said.
Well, I don't know.
It seems like you should
invite me over for dinner.
To my place?
Yeah, your conflict, your place.
Okay, you send me the invite,
Tammy makes my favorite dish,
lemon chicken and roasted mushrooms.
Good enough, sounds a
little lightweight but
I'm still listening.
And that's it, I tell her over dinner.
It's not gonna be easy,
it certainly makes
you look like a pansy.
Yeah, I'm not really
concerned about that, all right?
I just don't wanna hurt her.
Wait, you actually care about her?
Yeah, I'm not a complete
asshole, all right?
So you think it will work?
Well I'm not sure,
but I think it'll get us
through that experience that
will get you killed by Tammy.
Well, I like it.
You wanna take some
time to think it over?
Maybe when you haven't had a few drinks?
I'm the same sober as I am drunk.
Sounds like a plan.
And what about Sandy?
I'll run it by her.
And I'll send Karen over for you.
What sarcasm from Fernie?
Karen, can I steal Sandy
away from you for a moment,
please, I promise I'll be forever yours.
But promise me to never call me baby.
Whatever it takes.
Okay, here me out for a second.
This doesn't feel good.
Okay, Fernie and I have
decided that it'd be best
if he told Tammy.
Him, wait, why him?
Lower your voice, okay?
Okay, well he's my best
friend and he's known Tammy
for a long time so we
figured that it'd be best
if he told Tammy, that way I
could avoid being murdered.
If she's gonna kill
you, she's gonna kill you.
What difference does it make?
You are remarkably
callus about my death.
You promised you'd tell her tonight.
We've been married for four years, okay?
I can't just throw that away.
Bill, sweetheart, do you love me?
Do I...
Yeah, that's why this
is such a big deal.
Are you attracted to me?
Like, sexually?
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Mmm hmm, say it.
Baby, I am so attracted to you.
Your heart, it's your tender heart.
Make love to me, right now.
What, like right now, like
on this table right now?
You still find me sexy
even though I'm pregnant?
Our baby is the most
important thing in my life.
That's the man I fell in love with.
Five minutes, okay?
Give me the usual.
In a minute.
I got it.
Bill, there you are.
Weren't you supposed to
talk to me about something?
Wait, no, wait, not right now, I'm busy,
talk to Karen.
Busy with what, drinking?
No, Sandy wants the D right now.
This Karen chick is an idiot.
Not even close to my problem, all right?
Besides, look at her tits.
You do still want me to help
you with Tammy, don't you?
Come on man, give me five minutes.
Five minutes.
You're fast.
Only when I have to be.
I'm starting the clock.
Wait, did you put the sign on the door?
The sign?
Yeah, of course.
Oh God, I wanted you bad.
We got two minutes.
Wait, what?
Take it slow, baby.
Two minutes.
It's been like three seconds.
You turn me on so much.
Uh huh.
Hey Jack.
Bring me those crosswords, will ya?
Who cares if there was no
weapons of mass destruction.
We brought down a dangerous dictator.
That depends, dangerous to whom?
Whom, whom?
How you learn to talk like that, girl?
I'm sorry, am I supposed to
be an idiot with nice tits?
No, I'm sorry about that,
I was just being an idiot.
Yeah, well a lot of
guys don't like girls
to use their brains.
No, you really shouldn't do that.
You're turning me on with
all this intellectual shit.
Are you hitting on me?
I swear, if Bill and Sandra weren't in
that bathroom right now.
Come on.
What, who better to go back there with?
What, is Craig more your type?
Hey, baby.
I was just admiring your
skirt, what's your name?
I love the way you
put your L's together.
You're cute.
So about that skirt,
is it a space skirt?
Because I'd love to dock on Uranus.
Hate to see you go but
love to watch you leave.
Peach schnapps, really?
For Tyler maybe.
Okay, I can see that.
But it looks like Jackie's
got dibs on him, so.
So, what?
I'm supposed to sleep with you
due to process of elimination?
God forbid I'm here
just to have a good time
with my friends, huh?
I must need to hook up someone tonight.
Girl, all those syllables.
God, whatever.
No, you shouldn't have sex with me out
of process of elimination,
you should have sex with
me because you know I could
make you, you know.
Fall asleep.
No, the opposite, I can
make you come real hard.
Oh my God, that's horrible,
that can't actually work on anyone.
All right, you have your doubts,
but a week from now
you'll be stalking me.
Outside of my apartment
with binoculars on.
Okay, that sounds like
a restraining order,
doesn't it?
Don't knock it until you try it.
Oh my God.
Ladies, you're just in time.
You got two free tickets
to ride on the Craig train,
non stop to pound town.
All aboard, toot toot!
You're gross!
So just you then?
Ew, die.
Whatever baby, once
we get married it will
just all be part of our story.
Target acquired.
You know what really just turned me on?
My enormous member?
No, I was thinking about our future.
Yeah, we're gonna
have like a huge house,
and lots of kids, and a huge
wedding and Christmas parties.
Hold on, hold on, hold on a second.
Look, let's take on thing at a time.
Wait, what do you mean?
Like we just had sex, I
mean, if you call it that.
Okay, there's a lot to...
It's not that simple,
it's not that easy.
Hey, hey, come on, can we talk?
Oh my God.
Ooh, baby.
Ooh, you are big.
That's right, girl for you.
Ah, okay, whoa guys...
I know man, I lost track.
Are you guys done?
We're you guys...
Uh huh.
What, are you gonna not talk to me?
What, you're not gonna talk to me?
Well that depends on you.
Look, what do you want from me?
You're an asshole.
What in god's name.
That bad, huh?
Look at you, what's the occasion?
You like it?
Uh, yeah, like it, yeah.
I dress up for you, and you
think you're hallucinating.
Come on babe, you're turning me on.
So this is what you want?
Me to dress like a whore?
You put the clothes
on, I can't help myself.
You're hot, that's why I married you.
God, those are bigger
than I ever imagined.
You've been fantasizing about me, huh?
Si mamasita, si.
I can't stop staring at you.
You haven't looked at
me like that since Cabo.
No hey, wait, wait, no!
Get off!
What is going on in here!
Get off him, you whore!
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey!
Yes, kill each other!
Cat fight!
Stop, stop!
Ow, god damn it, Bill!
What the hell is wrong with you guys?
It's our last night, holy shit.
If you ever touch me
again, I will kill you!
She's a god damn psycho.
And how dare you touch her.
She's probably carrying diseases.
Okay, why do you even
care who he sleeps with?
That's a good question.
Because he's my husbands best friend,
and he's a bad influence.
Okay, that literally makes no sense.
And you put your hands
on a pregnant lady.
You're pregnant?
With Fernando's baby?
Sandra's pregnant, and it's Bill's.
So suck on that.
It's not true.
It's true.
How could you, Bill?
Look, I was gonna tell you tonight,
I just found out about the pregnancy.
Are you in love with her?
Look, Tammy, we've been having problems,
and not being able to get pregnant.
Do you not love me anymore?
We have a lot to discuss.
Oh yeah, you mean you
have a lot to answer for.
You know, hold on.
Why'd you act like a lunatic just now?
I have to gather my thoughts.
No, I don't think so,
why do you care who Fernie bangs?
And don't tell me because
he's a bad influence.
I am not the one who's in trouble here.
No Tammy, hey, come...
Leave me alone!
Did you guys see the look in her eyes?
I'm surprised we're all still alive.
You're telling me.
Did you see it, Ty?
I heard it, but I was talking to Jackie.
Jackie, Jackie, you're
always talking to Jackie.
Listen guys, be warned,
all women go crazy eventually.
To hit and quit.
I mean, it's not that
bad, it's just a little cut.
A little cut, that's
easy for you to say,
you don't have a mark on you.
Yeah, but I'm gonna
have nightmares about
that glare for weeks.
Dude, that is a crazy bitch.
Did you seriously have to
tell her about me and Bill?
And the baby, no less.
Look sweetie, I'm
sorry, but the truth was
going to come out anyway,
and that's a lot of pressure,
and you know, the cork's gonna pop.
So come out with it, Fernie.
Why'd Tammy lose her shit when she heard
you were banging Karen?
Pretty obvious, dude.
Is it?
Come on, don't make me say it.
Tammy's had a thing for me for years.
You must've seen it.
You know, I think a
reaction like that's a little,
a little much, huh?
Yeah, well you said it yourself.
She's psycho.
Here we go again.
What's wrong Alex, not used
to men walking towards you?
If I were you, I would
stop picking on me.
If I were you, I would
stop picking on me.
Okay, what, I haven't
even said anything yet.
Good job with the fight, Craig.
What, huh?
What, huh?
You yelled out cat fight
like some stupid frat boy.
I... represent.
Come on baby, that's
exactly what it was.
Besides, I did way more
than he did to break it up.
All right, I'm going on my
break, you guys need anything?
No Jackie, I'm good, thank you.
I'm always good, but
you all ready knew that.
It never ends.
How'd you know girl, you
ain't even seen it yet?
You get it, right?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Man, I'm the funniest guy here.
You're the funniest guy at the bar.
Only if you count the guys that are
trying to be funny though.
But I am the best looking,
biggest catch at the bar.
Like the Moby Dick of bros.
I'm Broby Dick, that's awesome.
You got nice cheekbones.
Thanks, bro.
No really, that's awesome.
You know, it takes a man
who's real secure in his
masculinity to compliment
another mans looks.
I respect that.
No, I'm not too shabby myself,
so it's not like we're going
to compete with each other.
Exactly, bro.
I'm hot and you're hot, plenty
enough of us to go around.
Well you're in good
shape, I'll tell you that.
Thanks, man.
Just a few hours in the
gym each day, you know?
We should go together.
Of course man, let's get that pump.
Yeah, we'll do that, we can do that.
Yeah, it'll be great
dude, it'll be awesome.
Um, now you and Jackie,
is there something going on?
Oh, with her?
I mean, just your
average guy meets girl,
you know, then guy hits
on girl, girl slaps boy.
Rinse and repeat.
But one day, one day she'll realize that
she wants the Craigster.
I can see that.
I mean, you did see
the way she referenced
my love muscle.
Yeah, we all did.
Okay, I can't, I'm
pulling your dick, bro.
She can't stand me at all.
I have seen her checking you out though.
Well I don't know about all that.
I do, bro, I seen it!
Yeah man, you could tap that ass.
What's stopping you?
I'm not like you.
You know what, I'll be your mentor,
and your best bro.
I will be your Brobi Wan Kenobi.
And I could be your Luke Guywalker.
It's a start.
No, I mean, it's your first time.
That was my first one.
They'll get better.
We'll have plenty more.
Oh my goodness, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay, I'm finished.
I'll wait outside.
Don't be silly, come in.
Oh my God, Tyler, do I really
have to throw myself at you
to get you to notice me?
We just talked for half
an hour at the bar, I...
Tyler, I want you, I've
wanted you for weeks.
You're always the best
dressed guy in the bar.
Thank you, thank you.
Come on, I'm on break for 15 minutes.
No, this is not a good idea, Jackie.
Oh, what's wrong?
You nervous?
Don't worry, I'll take care of you.
No, yes, very, very nervous, yes.
You wanna go back to my place?
We can relax properly?
Jackie, I'm not interested.
I don't get it.
It's not you.
What, you're married?
No, God.
Don't you like me?
Yes Jackie, I like you very much.
I mean, my breasts
aren't bad either, right?
I've been told they're pretty fantastic.
They're awesome, they're beautiful.
Please put them away.
I don't believe you.
It's not you, Jackie,
it's nothing personal.
What, you like somebody
else, Karen, Sandy?
No, oh no.
They're pretty hot, dude, I'd do them.
I should go.
No, I'll go.
I mean, you've gotta pee, right?
Jackie, give me that back. /
What's this?
Wait, stop screaming!
Oh my God, it's a suicide note!
Tyler, you need to call a hotline.
I knew it, you had to be depressed.
It's not a suicide note.
You're not alone, we're here with you.
Give me the note, Jackie.
You have so much to live
for, to throw it all away.
We're gonna get you help. /
I don't wanna die!
I don't wanna die!
Nobody wants you to, you're loved.
You're not listening to me, Jackie.
I'm not gonna stand
by and let this happen.
Jackie, I like me,
okay, I like me, I'm gay!
It's not you, it is me.
Okay, okay, well everything
makes so much more sense.
You could've told me
this three weeks ago.
Well nobody knows.
My aunt knows, I told her I'd
kill her if she told anyone.
That's overreacting a little bit.
Wait, are you threatening me?
No, and tonight was the
night I was coming out,
and I was nervous and I
just wrote some stuff down,
and that's the note.
That's what that note is.
Aw, that takes a lot of courage.
And I am relieved because
if you were straight
and rejected me, I'd
probably binge on ice cream
for the next two weeks.
Be right there with you,
there's another secret
that's not in the note.
Well I come up here
every night to see Craig.
Are you kidding?
Okay, I'm sorry, is my mascara running?
No, it looks good.
I'm not laughing at you, I promise.
But maybe finally now,
Craig will get some action.
Not even now, I'd never
talked to him until tonight,
he's kind of an ass.
Uh yeah, no kidding.
Could you do me a favor?
Don't tell anyone until I
make my announcement, okay?
Cross my heart.
You're a really sweet guy, Tyler.
Last chance.
I'm good, and you're pretty,
and all of that is awesome,
but you know.
Okay, I'll leave it alone
but if you ever want to
experiment, you know where to find me.
But that in the bank.
Holy shit, bro, bro, bro!
Hey, you did not just hit that?
Hit what?
Jackie man!
Dude I saw her coming
out of the bathroom,
fixing her jacket and her apron.
Dude, the sign, I know what you did!
Yeah, it was great Craig,
she had long breasts.
Long tits?
No shit, like how long
though, like out here?
Like long, erect nipples.
Okay, awesome, did she?
Come on, did she?
You know, the face, the...
Yeah, she did!
Yeah, I know she did, yes!
Oh dude, I'm not
jealous or anything man.
I have a really healthy ego.
Man, honestly I'd like some advice.
Like what's your secret, bro?
Just be yourself.
Don't what us, you just had
sex with Tyler, didn't you?
Oh, stop.
Oh my god girl, you
don't cover up well at all.
No, we didn't, I swear.
We were in there together
and we just talked.
What you talk about, huh?
His favorite position?
No, I swear to god, we
talked about authenticity.
You are full of shit.
So what's he like?
Is his dick as big as I imagined?
Guys, I can't really
get into this right now.
So it was like straight,
or is it crooked?
Because sometimes when it's crooked it
just hits that little spot, you know.
Oh my God, we literally just talked.
Trust me, it will make sense later.
It's hard to talk with
a dick in your mouth.
You guys.
Um, we've been friends
for a long time, right?
Oh shit, who did you do?
No one, no, I just wanted
to get everybody together
and just talk about something
that has been on my mind
for a long time.
And I thought it'd be
easier if I just had
everyone together.
Well come on, come on, out with it, man.
Guys, I'm gay.
Yeah, awesome, so what do
you wanna talk to us about?
That's not really news there, man.
Yeah, we've known for a while.
What are you talking about?
I've got every chick here wanting me.
You guys are telling me
who to have sex with,
and new positions, and drawing diagrams.
Come on man, any other
guy would've been banging
Jackie for years, all right.
Plus you have a lilac...
It's a kerchief, it's French.
And tonight's the only
night that you've drank
something other than white wine.
Plus we heard you
screaming in the bathroom
four minutes ago.
Scream what from the bathroom?
Tyler's gay.
Told you everything would make sense.
Dude, you're awesome, bro.
Yeah, thanks Craig.
No, really, you're a true American hero.
Like GI Bro status.
First you're banging the
snot out of Jackie in
the bathroom, and then
you come over here and
you tell us all that you're gay.
That's so good, I love you man.
Well I appreciate that,
Craig, that was nice.
We didn't do anything Craig.
I mean, how did you become so thick?
That's what she said.
Okay, you guys are crazy.
Tyler, we're really proud of you.
Thank you.
You know, you're brave,
and if you ever wanna like
experiment maybe, like
tag team me, a couple guys
or something, you know where to find me.
Well that is not out of question.
You know, it took a lot
of guts, you're awesome.
You are awesome, thank you.
Sorry about the big surprise.
Ah, it's all right,
what are you gonna do?
At least something positive happened.
I wanna thank you guys
for sticking with me
and making this a little easier on me.
Thank you.
So, you're gay, you didn't tap that ass?
No, Jackie's great
but she's not my type.
Okay, what is?
I don't know, you finished drinking yet?
Finished drinking?
I don't know, is it morning yet?
Well have you ever had
the flavor of a nice pinot
in your mouth?
No, actually, I'm not
really a fan of white wine
but sure dude, I'll try
anything once, you're buying.
He's so easy.
Hey babe, how you doing?
You all right?
No, no, that is not a good
idea, do not come here.
No, we can talk about it later!
I gotta go, I gotta go.
Why so shady, brother?
What, you can't talk on the
phone in front of your friends.
That was Tammy, bro.
She's on her way back here.
And she called you?
Oh, she's gonna call you?
She wants to talk about it.
Well that doesn't sound good.
Yeah, you know her,
there's no way of knowing.
What they hell, she called
you from the parking lot.
Why did you change?
I told you not to come here.
You show up dressed like that.
I need to talk to Bill.
Tammy, you cannot tell
him about us, all right?
He's all ready suspicious.
I'm not losing my husband to that whore.
All right, he's my best
friend, I'm not losing that.
You lost that as soon as
you started banging his wife,
now didn't you?
What are you gonna tell him?
Oh, Fernie, it's none of your business.
It is my business.
Ah, don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it, just relax.
Hi Billy boy.
Hey, sweetheart.
We have a lot to discuss, don't we?
Yeah, yeah we do.
Let's discuss how hot you look,
I've never seen you like this before.
Give me a hard on the size of Florida.
You're as shallow as
a kiddie wading pool.
Can you please just be
a man for five seconds?
I'll try, I can guarantee two or three.
What... about all this?
Well we have options.
Options, good, what are they?
Uh, well one, we can
just completely distance
ourselves from the whole
situation and pay child support.
Two, we can accept the
child into our lives.
Three, I can be in the child's life
and just not involve you at all.
Or four, Sandy could have an abortion,
but that would take a lot of persuading,
and I don't see that happening.
Hmm, so in all four of these scenarios,
you and I stay together.
Yeah, yeah, 100%, that's
what we want, right?
So, what do you wanna do?
Then I'll go with option
two, we stay in the kids life,
we help raise it.
I mean, just because
you're a real piece of work
doesn't mean the kid doesn't
deserve a dad, right?
Sounds like a plan.
I'll tell Sandy.
No you won't.
I won't?
I'll tell her.
Of course.
Where is she?
I haven't seen her.
Okay, well don't worry about it.
You just run off and play with
your little friends, okay?
Sandra, may I have a
word with you, please?
Yeah, okay, I don't think so.
You're lucky she's not in the hospital.
Well, she's about to be in the hospital
having my husbands baby, so
I think I deserve a word.
Not now, they need to settle...
You know, I'm as cool
as a cucumber, Karen.
The way I see it, the
kid just doesn't deserve
to grow up without a dad,
so I suggest that you and
I go somewhere privately,
and discuss the dynamics
of our new family.
All right.
Yeah, Karen, I'm willing to listen.
Will you excuse us?
You know, Karen can stay here,
I think you and I should go to
the bathroom, talk about it.
I have to get over him anyways.
Are you really gonna be okay.
Look, all things considered,
I owe you an apology.
I've been sleeping with
your husband and I'm sorry.
I know it was wrong.
Bro, what kind of bullshit is that?
Options, I thought you
were breaking up with her.
What, I thought about it and I decided I
wanna stay alive.
Besides, she's started looking
hotter over the last hour.
Yeah, that's the magic of
makeup and a tight dress.
Come on?
Something's gotta happen
and it's gotta happen soon.
Guys, it's all ready
been a night, all right?
And you're right, Tammy looks great.
Look, if you ever decide
to experiment on the straight
side, stay away from my wife, all right?
She's bad news.
They're all bad news.
Like I said, he knows everything.
I don't remember asking you to join us.
Hey, I don't remember
asking for all the shit
that happened neither,
because this is the one
night I come here to relax.
Well look man, none of
us wanted this to happen.
Well whatever happened, it happened
because you messed up.
I oughta kick your ass.
Fernando, you lost your
job because you messed up.
Are you gonna buy me a drink?
And you're gonna shut up.
Please give me a scotch.
Pay attention, Bill, that's
what a real man orders.
You don't know who's who here, do you?
You don't even know who you really are.
What the hell you talking about?
These are my best friends.
You didn't figure out Tyler
here was gay until now.
And Fernando, you keep
insisting that you just speak
with your best friends wife privately.
And Billy, you're just facing
those little girls off in
there because you wanna
save your own ass.
You wanna save your
own little sorry ass.
You're pretty quick to judge.
Hey Billy, there's a lot of old sayings
written about guys just like you.
What old saying?
Such as hell have no
fury like a woman scorned.
Yeah, I've heard it, so?
Yeah, what do you think
Tammy is doing with Sandra
in that room?
Well, I'm not entirely blameless,
I've been having an affair
with Fernando for months.
Fernando, oh my God.
Okay, so that's why you
ran into the bathroom and...
There's more.
Bill and I've been trying
to get pregnant since we got
married and nothing's worked until,
well, in a sick way hearing
Bill got you pregnant
was almost a relief.
Because you know he's not sterile?
No, because I'm pregnant
with Fernando's baby.
Oh my God, you're kidding?
Wow, I mean, I guess it's perfect,
everyone gets what they wanted.
I just never, never planned
for it to happen this way.
Well I mean, life is what happens
when you're busy making other plans.
I mean, that's what they say, right?
Yeah, it's just, it's
just a lot to take in, okay.
It's gonna be fine.
It will be fine.
Everything won't be fine.
Why, we're both getting what
we wanted, it will be perfect?
Do you remember what I told you before,
last time we were in here?
I said if you touch me
again, I would kill you.
You've been picturing
this perfect little life
where everything works out,
but you can't have it.
Bill, Bill, Bill!
Lay her down.
What you do, what happened?
Bill, this isn't about you.
Fernando, I'm carrying your child.
Why did I have to fall in love with you?
Oh my God.
Our friendship didn't mean shit!
I can explain, bro.
Calm down, Bill.
What's going on in here?
Boys, back it off, relax!
Hey, get off of me.
Hey, we'll take it from here.
Keep everything locked down, officers.
Excuse me, who do you think you are?
You were my best man.
Someone need to do some explaining,
what's going on in here?
Stand down, officers, we've got this.
I need more than that, ma'am.
Federal agent, we're good, thank you.
Thank you for coming in.
You two want to get fired, Officer.
No, ma'am.
Then I suggest you call
your god damn captain
and get on with doing my job.
Gentlemen, I have your proof right here.
Thank you, good work.
Sit down, Fernando.
Have you ever heard of Shiam Simya?
No, why should I give a shit about them?
It sounds like Chinese or something.
It's actually Russian,
also known as MI7,
the biggest crime syndicate
in the former Soviet Union.
Were those the bastards
that killed Tammy?
Not quite, why don't
you tell him, Fernando?
I've got nothing to say.
It's all in there.
Your best buddy Fernando
here was paid to be
the eyes and ears of the... Muerto,
MI7's biggest rival in the heroin trade.
Geez, that's a lot of cash.
Yeah man, my idiot dad decided he wanted
to buy a house with cash.
Uh, okay.
You're all dead.
Everyone wanted to
keep an eye on you, Bill.
Tammy was an agent for MI7,
assigned to keep an eye
on you and Fernando.
Was that Russian?
Hey, yeah, I'm taking a class.
I don't get it.
It was all about Jacob, Bill,
everyone thought you were him.
Jacob, no, they told me
he died four years ago.
He did, he took six bullets to the chest
but not everyone was convinced.
He had a habit of posing as you,
an average, government
employee, no threat to anyone.
That doesn't make any
sense, why would he do that?
Because who knows what
kind of secrets people spill
when they think nobody knows
what they're talking about.
In this case, the codes
for the information satellite
that MI7 uses for their
secure communication.
Yeah, your brother was
real close to cracking
those codes when he was killed.
Nobody knew how close he was,
and everybody wanted to know.
So convenient information
leak made the dealers think
that he was still alive
and posing as you.
We wanted to keep an eye on them,
and knew they'd be drawn to you.
Ah great, so you used me as bait.
Sometimes sacrifices must
be made for the greater good.
I know I shouldn't have voted for Bush.
Actually, it was Clinton who authorized
the company for those types of calls.
So, I don't get it, why
did Tammy kill Sandy?
Sandy was with the Sicilians.
The Sicilians were
also trying to get access
to that satellite.
Oh, an Italian passport.
And they all thought
that I had these codes?
Still not sure you don't.
Why didn't you just kill me?
MI7 was afraid you had written
down the codes somewhere,
and everybody else
was afraid you hadn't.
So every relationship
that I've had for the past
four years has been a lie.
I need a god damn drink.
Tyler was straight, not literally,
but he wasn't an agent
and neither was Craig.
You should just be happy
that you're alive, pal.
Tammy was actually supposed to
kill you and Fernando tonight.
It turns out she
really did love you guys.
So what about you three?
Suzanne, Rafferty, and I,
we're assigned to protect you,
but we couldn't let you know.
Hey, hey!
Off me, get off me!
For gods sakes.
Yeah, do it tight.
Okay, so what now?
So now, your friend Fernando
goes away for a while,
a long while.
And you go into witness protection.
You're still a target, Bill.
We can't risk letting you go.
I need a cigarette,
anybody have a smoke?
There's no smoking in here.
Well can I go out for
at least a minute, please?
He's fine, I mean,
there's cops everywhere.
Hey, Bill.
I'm sorry.
All my friends were not my friends
and I was just the job to them.
But you are too.
Seriously, if you need me for anything,
I got your back, okay?
It's finally over.
Well hell, this is
bigger than I thought.
Isn't it?
Yeah, you were right about one thing.
Everybody has secrets.
My secret, I took my dead
twin brothers identity.
I had to, so I could survive.
The Russian family, MI7,
wanted the codes very badly,
and would've stopped at nothing.
They sent Tammy, Karen, and Alex.
I'm gonna get to the
bottom of this if it kills me
She left them a present.
We gonna shake our grey
away, you gonna heal me
And I'm gonna heal you.
If I were you, I'd stop picking on me.
If I were you, I'd stop picking on me.
Won't take long girl,
you'll find I am unstoppable.
We all want a perfect life,
but as Tammy said to
Sandra, you can't have it.
Ever tasking standing at my door
Hands up, look like
trouble, head right into us
Things are dangerous
Razor sharp little lady,
move like I need an ambulance
For the way she cuts
...this can't relax and
Like you've been touched before
Become up oh, oh
I risk... I am unstoppable
Up above it all
Never had no love like this before
Never tasking
standing there, my lord
In love, or so I thought, before
Ever chancing standing at my door