You, Me and Him (2018) Movie Script

[OLIVIA] You know that moment
when you finally understand life?
You just get it?
Well, this was my moment.
I got it. Everything and everyone in
my life fit into a neat, little box.
Here are the individualist
hipster clones...
and the better-than-you bankers.
I knew exactly what was what, who was
who and most importantly who I am.
Aw, the yummy mummies.
[OLIVIA] Look, we all do it.
We give ourselves labels
to feel we belong.
Silly, really. Because waking up
to yourself is about letting go
of who you imagine yourself to
Of course, I had yet to learn
Yep. No. I'm up.
I'm gonna take on the world.
Look smart, everyone! She's
almost here.
- Could I get that deposition, Charles?
- Yes, yes.
Could I get a smile too
for Sophie's last day?
Terrifying as usual. Thank you.
[ALL] Surprise!
You do not do that to someone!
I'll be sad to leave the firm.
Glad to see the back of you lot,
of course.
- Yay!
Yes, Olivia, thank you for the surprise.
I can tell you were the one behind it.
[SOPHIE] And now for another
I'm gonna be a mum.
That's right. I'm having a baby.
- Thank you.
Shoo! Go on. Shoo! Go on! Fuck off!
Go get the mouse that's...
- not this one.
That was rather embarrassing,
wasn't it?
- Excruciating stuff.
- Yes.
Thank you. Much better
- It is possible, you know.
- Yeah! Sure, yes. I mean...
that was always the plan. Um...
but then you wake up after yet
another pointless relationship
and you realize...
the only thing you ever truly
wanted, you left up to fate.
And now it's too late.
- No chance with the current?
- She's barely 12.
Unfortunately, I am
completely obsessed with her.
- Finally happy.
- You don't look very happy.
who's the man then?
No man.
A woman needs a man like a fish
needs a bicycle and all that.
- Yes, but who's like a man?
- We are, quite literally, two women.
Yes, but top or bottom sort of thing.
I mean, how does it fit together?
Charles, please. Stop doing
- What do you call this piece?
- Dot.
- Do you know what it represents?
- What?
- Fuck all!
- Don't say that.
I literally spent all day,
creating a full stop.
But this what being a
struggling artist is all about.
Yeah, but when do you
stop saying "struggling"
- and just realize that you are not one.
- Never.
If I'm all right with it,
you can be too, you know.
Alex, that's not who you are.
[SIGHS] How was your day?
Lovely, thank you.
Um... I did get us a new pet.
Her name's Maureen.
There are ways to address
procrastination, as we discussed.
Are there?
Are there?
- I know...
- You do?
I need to get up and face the
Actually, um...
I was going to ask you to marry
- Have you got a ring?
- Yes! No, I don't. It...
- More of an "in theory" situation.
- You just proposed to me in theory?
I mean, do you think we should?
Because, then we'll be as close as...
you know, family and we could...
All those lovely tax benefits.
- You've not proposed before, have you?
- Is it too soon?
It is too soon. Yep. It
Ignore me. I've had a lot of
And now you're literally taking
your proposal back?
Got me divorce papers through,
this morning.
- John!
- Most people just say good morning, John!
As long as she gives me my
signed football back, I'm happy.
[OLIVIA] Oh, I'm sure she will.
- So, you're a single man, now?
- Yeah!
Gosh! You can party, date and...
- [STUTTERING] the world.
- Grow my hair a bit.
- [OLIVIA] And that.
- Have a divorce party.
Oh, that's classy.
- Thank you!
- [ALEX] Goodbye, John!
[JOHN] What you doin'?
Are you two doing stuff?
[OLIVIA] Look at him. Mr.
Family Man.
If we were still kids, I'd go
over there and give him a wedgie.
Those trousers are doing the
job for you.
- Do you ever think about that?
- You brother's ass. Daily, yeah.
I wish I had the courage to be
to stand alone and accept
that I have feelings for men.
- I just can't deal with the stigma.
- Just 'cause, lately I've been...
I've just been thinking, I don't
know, what a great mum you'd make.
So that's what it was about.
- What?
- The anti-proposal.
- No.
- That's why you had no ring.
Look, were we... You know, I don't...
We haven't broached that, have we?
- The kid thing? Have we covered that?
- Uh, yeah. Date two.
You asked me, and I said maybe,
but like, not for years.
Well, you didn't shut it down.
- Did you?
- That was ten months ago.
[BEN] Get ready, people!
You've seen my bank balance, huh? I
don't know if I'm ready. If I'm ever...
- gonna be ready.
- Yeah. Yes.
- Ah! Ah! Ah!
Are those tears?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I know you're not
But Alex, I'm almost 40.
The shop is closing.
I know that's not terribly Gloria
Steinem of me but it's true.
This is a thing, isn't it?
I should have been more honest.
How long have you wanted this?
Only since I was five.
You should have been more
I just didn't want to lose you.
You have me.
This is it. I'm done.
- I want us to be a family.
I need time...
- time to think.
- Sure. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Cool.
No pressure.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
[ALFIE] So, you dumped her?
No, Alf. She asked for a baby.
Not a kidney.
That would be way less hassle.
- I said I'd think about it.
- Who would have it?
You'll never have sex again. Pregnancy
fucks with your vagina, man.
She wants to do it. There's no
way I'm shitting out a kid.
- How many of these we've had?
- Like...
three... each.
- The guy said just have a half.
- It'll be mellow. It's always mellow.
[ALFIE] What is happening?
It just won't stop.
[ALEX] We're all gonna die.
- [JOHN] Hey! You made it.
- Of course, we did.
We needed the alcohol.
Well, I'm just glad
you didn't feel intimidated.
[OLIVIA] Happy divorce.
Thank you very much, Olivia.
I'm heartbroken, you know?
- Hang on in there.
- [JOHN] Thank you, Alex.
Just BTW, I can see right
through that top.
Oh, oh! Mojitos are up!
Come on! [CHANTING]
[ALEX] Babe.
- I'm still not talking to you, okay?
- I'm sorry.
Those brownies were stronger
than expected and to be fair...
that ride cannot be safe for
- Alex, this is not the way to behave.
- I know.
I just got bored of not getting
anything done
- and wanted to have some fun, I am trying.
- Well, just hurry up!
- Hurry up!
- Yes!
Girls? Really?
Isn't this something about MTV
in the 90's?
I think those two will fancy you
Alex, I need you to be the person
that you plan to be sooner.
Becau... because you're
going to be a mother.
I've started already...
the insemination program.
How could you do this?
You promised me time to think.
I just thought I'd give it a
shot and see.
- [SCOFFS] This is our life.
- Alex, I couldn't wait.
Not any longer.
This was never about me.
You'll be a great mother...
Stop telling me what I'm
fucking great at.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm going to go back to our house
and give us both time to cool off.
I don't wanna see you.
- Fine. I'll go to my parents.
- Fine.
- Ah-ha! Where's Olivia?
- Huh! I've been left behind.
You okay?
[SIGHS] "I make so many beginnings,
there will never be an end."
- I'm not quite following.
- Mm.
Little Women. You should read
it, John.
In the meantime...
do you fancy forgetting
who the fuck we are for a bit?
- Oh! Most definitely.
- Fantastic!
- [SUE] Green juice, darling?
- No, thanks, Mummy.
- Nice to have our princess home.
- Just the damn best.
Wish you had an argument
with your flatmate every week.
- Girlfriend.
- Life partner, darling.
Well, we'll be here when it
doesn't work out, won't we, love?
[SUE] Absolutely!
Good morning, Alex.
Do you wanna go again?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, thank God!
Oh, Alex, I can't believe I
did that without telling you.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- So sorry.
So sorry?
Let's just have a baby. Huh?
Let's do whatever you want.
Whatever it takes.
- Really?
- Let's mess up your VJ, good and proper.
That's a yes.
Thank you! Because, Alex...
this is about you.
I can't do this without you
being part of it, you know?
- It'll be easy, right?
- Yes!
Having a baby is just like having a
mate around who's always pissed.
They just need propping up now
and again, and given fluids.
- Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
- Sweet!
[OLIVIA] So I would ask you to find
him accountable for what he did.
In summation, clause 14
states that... [BURPS]
That's not what it states.
Clause 14... [HEAVES]
[JUDGE] Are you able
to continue, Miss Miller?
no, actually.
My colleague will tell you
about that clause.
If you will please excuse me,
I have to vomit.
There's more out here
if you need 'em babe.
Say a prayer to the god of
That's not gonna happen. Go!
- It's positive!
I'm pregnant! [HEAVY BREATHING]
Snap. I'm pregnant.
No, I am. I am pregnant.
- I don't understand what happened.
- Oh, poor you. You're all confused.
Meanwhile, you have just put my entire
life in a salad spinner of fuck!
I was so drunk.
And you went behind my back
and that really hurt.
So, you thought you'd sleep with a
man you nicknamed scrotum pole?
I don't remember anything.
[OLIVIA] You remembered
how to fuck, obviously!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Look how much you're fucking
making me swear!
I just don't understand why you keep
messing everything up for yourself.
- Oh, what's this?
- Bag.
- What?
- Bag. Paper bag.
- We were so good together.
- I know.
- I know
You can't be the one to
comfort me over you.
Oh, yes!
Olivia, look.
- She gave me my ball back.
- That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you.
Let's have a look.
Can I have my ball back now?
So just go romcom on her arse.
'Scuse me?
The big romantic gesture.
Richard Gere, roses,
so she no longer feels like a
Then I'm literally gonna be a mum
to two kids. Just like that.
- You're already having one.
- Not without her, I'm not.
Does that make me a shitty
It's not a story I'd tell them
at their graduation but no...
you're all right.
I don't know what to do.
Can you be without her?
- No.
- Not a chance?
- Not one.
- There you go then.
And now...
to celebrate.
- I'm gonna have a baby, Alf.
- Yeah, I know. I sympathize.
This'll make you feel better.
That is so not cool.
I can't sell a single painting.
Not even the one with me tits
So, I sold all those cool art
supplies and I got you this.
I can't do this on me own. And
I don't think you can, either.
Have you smelled this thing?
It's vintage, isn't it?
And why exactly do you think I
wouldn't be able to do this on my own?
I have support.
Friends, my family, friends.
- Which friends?
- Friends.
Well what do you bring, Alex?
And you need to get that
fucking mouse out of my house.
I'm home all day.
Got a thing for Pixar.
To be honest, I hadn't thought
beyond the pram.
I just know that if you were
ever able to forgive me,
then I would love to be the
mum that you think I can be.
So, I'd like to call today,
"Lez be having some babies!"
- No jokes.
- Understood. Not a laughing matter.
- Alex.
- Present.
Yep. We've established that. My
sister has asked me to do this
quite heinous bit of mediation today,
so you can both be sure you're entering
- into this agreement...
- Family. Family.
Bit of a stretch but anyway...
with clarity and closure.
Yeah, fine. I'll agree to
How romantic. Now here are
the hard and fast rules.
Never again shall either of you mention
that Alex slept with someone else.
- [ALEX] Fine.
- You have to meet each other's parents.
- Fine.
- And you have to tell John about the baby.
- No fucking way!
- He's the father.
We're talking about the man who thought
LGBT was just a really big sandwich.
You slept with him.
Oh! I think we agreed no
more mention of the S word.
- Shut up, Ben!
- That's mature.
Why would you want him involved?
He almost ruined us.
How else are we going to afford
two children on one salary?
Well, we don't need childcare.
I'll look after them.
No Alex, you're an artist.
You can't give up your dream.
You are my dream.
- Shut up, Ben.
You two are perfect for each
I want to do this properly.
One has to do the right thing.
You've started talking like the
Must be serious.
That's her serious face, too.
Or she's having a stroke.
- Shut up!
- Okay, why am I here?
- Hey, John.
- Oh, hey!
- I'm so glad you're talking to me again.
- [SEDUCTIVELY] Who's the daddy?
- You what?
- [SEDUCTIVELY] Who's the daddy?
Who. Is. The. Daddy?
I am the daddy.
- Yes, you are.
- Excuse me?
She's pregnant.
You are going to be a daddy.
And we're gonna need shitloads
of money.
- Well, I did it.
- Yes, you did.
- Why can we never do that?
- I thought you meant sexually.
- No, she didn't. That was our joke.
You did not mean sexually?
I had sex with that.
And now there's a baby gonna
be coming out of that.
Yes, thank you for the biology lecture.
Come in before you throw up on that.
Look, mate... I don't expect
- Maybe money.
- You work in banking, right?
- No, not anymore.
No. I own and run a site called
It's um...
It's a... It's a... A place where
alpha males can connect and...
share the message of the
ancient Greek word, " Arete".
- "Be the best you can be."
- So, money's out then.
[SNIFFS] Well...
you keep doing that.
Because, I'm perfectly cool
raising this baby with Olivia.
- I'm also having a baby.
- Bollocks.
Actually, it's certain.
No, not that. Congrats or whatever.
Bollocks to me not playing a part.
I am the father!
That little one needs a dad.
Please. Please let me be the dad.
Plus, I live right next door.
I have a complex vocabulary.
You can't drive. I can drive you!
If you want.
of this house, now!
- I've heard enough. He knows now.
- Yes.
Off you go, John.
- I cannot believe that is the man who...
- Turned your girlfriend straight?
- Oh, my God!
- That's what she said.
Sorry, that was right there.
I am so incredibly sorry for the
pain that I have caused you.
If I could go back in time and change
what happened, I would. But...
I'm a great guy.
Let me take you out to lunch, clear
the air, get to know me better.
Yeah? I want to be a part of
This is...
kind of all I've got.
- Aside from Mannism?
- Hail to the Alpha.
- Give me a chance?
Go on. Give me a chance.
Is it supposed to look like
an underwater alien?
Yes. It is quite revolting,
isn't it?
So, Alex, that membrane which
is protecting the fetus
is known as the amniotic sac.
- That's mingin'. Stop it.
- Yes. Please stop.
- So, you're pregnant too?
- I am.
- And you're both together?
- We are.
- Yes.
- And both pregnant with...
some other people's children?
Well, it's not quite that random. I was
artificially inseminated by a donor.
Oh, yes. Thank you. No need to elaborate.
Very feminist, I'm sure.
Okay, well. Thank you very much.
Are you wearing an underwire
- Sorry?
- You should stop during pregnancy.
It restricts the growth
of milk glands in your...
- Breasts.
- Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT] You need to know these
things. You can't ignore pregnancy.
Um, if my waters break
while I'm out and about,
uh, will it look
like I've just pissed myself?
It's more of a trickle than a...
Oh, dear God... Gush.
And um, during labor,
is it correct that...
- one can crap oneself?
- I'll give you some leaflets, okay?
Did you know,
I have a painting of my vulva
that would look absolutely
gorgeous in here?
- No, thank you. Goodbye. Toodle-oo.
- Okay, buh-bye. Bye.
[OLIVIA] How'd we manage to find the one
obstetrician who's weird about vaginas?
Saturdays at 11:00 a.m. Got it.
Thank you. Bye.
- Hello!
- Hello there!
I'm really pleased we got to do
- I'm pleased we could do this, too.
- Yeah.
I appreciated your apology.
Well, I appreciate you saying
- Great! I am starving.
- Sandwiches.
- Oh. This is Stilton?
- Yeah.
I don't think I can have it.
Alex was just going on
about this yesterday.
- What, 'cause of the...
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. I can still have the bread.
I'll just take this.
Yes, um...
- Alex is become quite the pregnancy major.
- That girl's hilarious. Never serious.
She can be quite serious,
No. I think even when she's
serious, it's a little un-serious.
Well, maybe you don't take
what she's saying seriously.
I'm pretty certain she's just
being fun and not serious.
- Well, she does laugh a lot.
- Yeah.
- Like a little squeaky mouse.
- It's quite a big laugh actually, I'd say.
It's big for her,
but pretty small, generally.
I'd say if it's big for her,
it's big for anyone.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I think, it's more like... [HIGH-PITCHED
LAUGH] Something like that.
Obviously, I've been making her laugh
a lot. But it's nothing like that.
No, I hear it quite a lot like...
- It's more of a... It's, uh, lower.
- No.
Guttural, sort of...
- That sort of...
- No, it's... [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]
It's not like that.
No, I'm thinking of something
So... how was he then?
Big fella? Nice moves?
- Mum, you're kind of missing the point.
- Best news I've heard all year.
- That's great to hear.
- You shagged a bloke.
You're back to yourself again.
What are talking about?
I've never been into blokes.
Oh! What about Turner's son?
I was five. He taught me how
to piss in the sea discretely.
It was hardly a grand romance. It was
more of a very useful life tool.
Well... I just think we've
turned a corner, that's all.
So... are you getting it dealt
No. I'm having it
and raising it with Olivia.
Listen. Listen to me.
Now you know I love you, don't
And I will support any decision
you ever make.
I just think two women raising a child
together is fucking disgusting.
And we're back.
I mean what're you gonna do
when it asks where its daddy is?
John is going to be a part of
their life.
- Oh, so he's still skulking around, is he?
- No. Not like that.
All I'm saying is don't
close off all your options.
Sort yourself out,
concentrate on your career
and see if you can have
a proper baby one day.
[ALEX] What am I gonna teach a
I'm gonna be a mum
before I've been anything else.
Oh, that's not true.
You were a stoner for a while.
Ah, see, John was definitely
not impersonating your laugh.
Are you gonna finish that?
No. Knock yourself out.
I'm only craving rabbit food
at the moment.
[MUMBLING] I hate you.
That just makes me pee myself.
- That can scientifically not be true.
- Well, something is making me pee myself.
You know...
I actually don't have
any sympathy for you.
You're gonna have this baby...
your body will snap back and
then you got the kid box ticked.
Do you have any idea how many
thirty-something women
are on horrendous dates right
One eye on the clock and one eye on some
dull bloke sitting opposite them thinking,
"Oh, crap. He'll have to do."
Or lesbians frantically googling,
"Sperm donors with Oxbridge degrees".
- Do you know her?
- No, but she's pregnant.
That's what you do when you're pregnant,
you wave at each other, like cabbies.
"Labor". Yeah. Even the
word makes us feel tense.
This course is gonna equip you
with all the tools and techniques
that you need to challenge the
contemporary over-medicalized,
fear-based, birthing culture
and to remind your body
to let it all go, guys.
Now, no questions till the end
Please remember the rules.
So, some of you are sitting here
in like a refrigerator of terror
and some of you will
be sitting here, doubting,
whether hypnobirthing works at all.
it... It does.
It does. Let's start
with the introductions, Alex.
- This is Alex.
- Hi.
And this is Alex's female
life partner, Olivia.
I'm just so happy and humbled
to have you in my group, guys.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, and this is Mike and Maya,
Morgan and Amanda, and Allison...
- Dave.
- And Dave. I know that.
I know that. Right.
Let's talk about pain.
"Pain". What is pain?
It's a rhetorical question.
Pain is being judged by
the color of your skin,
pain is not being allowed to
have a relationship with someone
because they are the wrong gender.
Am I right?
You go, girl. [LAUGHS]
Pain is being fisted by
a 300-pound rich white guy
because you haven't got
enough money to pay the rent.
What pain is not...
is labor.
- Sweet.
- Right.
- [JOHN] Wait.
- Okay.
[AMY] Excuse me. Can I be
of some assistance to you?
- Don't start without me.
- What are you doing here?
I have every right to be here.
I'm the father of Alex's baby.
I should be part of the process.
You looked at my planner.
Okay, okay, relax.
You never seen a poly-amorous
relationship before?
- No.
- Yeah. well simmer down.
Welcome, John.
- You are welcome, one and all.
- Yeah, sorry.
Amy, can I just say that we're
not wha...
- What you just said we are.
- Yes.
But, John is the real father
and he's very much welcome.
- Thanks, Alex.
- Is he your sperm donor, too?
Allison, that is enough
They're lesbians. They don't
wanna talk about sperms.
Right-O! Sorry.
I'd like you to take your partner's
hand, and put it on the baby's head.
Now, if you're seven months or
under, that's gonna be up here,
under your breastal balcony.
And if you're further along,
it might be down in your minge.
Right. I don't... What am I
supposed to do?
- I don't have a partner.
- [AMY] Oh, I want a part of this.
- I'll be your partner.
- Well, she's my partner, so.
[AMY] I'd like to be your partner.
Where are you? You up or down?
- I'm up. Yup.
- Here. Right.
- And if you put your hand on my hand...
- Okay.
Feeling that lovely little bonce there.
That feels nice, right?
Loving that.
- Olivia, wait.
- Nice breathing today, Alex.
- Yeah. Cheers, John.
- You're looking great, too.
Body's really acknowledging
the pregnancy. It's beautiful.
Olivia, wait. Look, he's harmless.
Like you said he has the right.
I was wrong. He deserves no rights.
He deserves impotency.
You have my word. This is
as close as John will get.
John? Not Skeletor-Mr. String Theory-
Fuck-face-Leaning Tower of Piss?
No? Or The Man Evolution Forgot?
- Just John.
- Just John? Okay.
Got it. Just so now, thanks.
Oh, I did have a couple of questions...
Extremely burnt toast. Can't get
enough of the stuff. Healthy?
Perfectly normal to have
- Also...
- I have tons of energy. Is that normal?
Perhaps, it's 'cause you haven't been
sober this long since you were 12.
Hey, hormones.
Oh, sorry.
It's just that your...
spring-has-sprung pregnancy
is fucking annoying.
I don't know,
Amy said something about...
baby feeling the meaning
of everything that it hears.
Is that right, Dr. Parks?
Just medical questions, please.
I'm not, uh, singing at crystals or
waving my arms about dancing in a field.
Also, nose bleeds.
I've had millions of them.
In court, debating a case, no idea I
looked like the final scene of Carrie.
The increase in blood supply puts
more pressure on the vessels,
causing them to... easily erupt.
- You still don't want to know?
- No, no thank you.
I guess we don't get many
surprises in life anymore,
- so I thought, why find out.
- How fascinating.
- You ready?
- Yes, yes. Let's find out.
- You will be having...
- Yep.
A little baby...
- boy.
- Aw.
Baby boy.
- I have a penis inside of me.
- First time for everything. Hey! Hey!
[HIGH PITCHED] That's something I
wanted to feel, I wanted to feel the...
Hello, Charles.
- What's wrong with your face?
- Oh!
- Ah! Pigmentation thingamajig.
- Yes. Yeah.
Same thing happened to my wife
when she was pregnant.
Yes. Turns out I've got every
possible pregnancy ailment going.
I'm actually terribly depressed.
My wife picked up some fake tan,
smothered it all over her face.
Evened it out.
That's actually not a bad idea.
She looked like
an entirely different person.
- Hmm.
- Like I was having a naughty affair.
I just pissed myself, Charles.
I've missed this.
Just hanging out with someone.
What? Your wife?
I thought you hated her guts.
Actually, she hated mine.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
I guess I just had to make a decision
between being a pioneer and a husband.
- I'm sure Steve Jobs had the same problem.
Or maybe, I wasn't the perfect
And what's the perfect husband?
Uh, not a total dick?
That's better.
"Be worthy love and love will
Are you quoting my favorite
Little Women.
Yeah, you were absolutely right.
I read it cover to cover and I
Good! And who am I? Joe?
You can be whoever you wanna be.
You are lovely underneath it
- You're lovely everywhere.
- Huh?
So, how're you feeling, anyway?
The bump gets in the way of everything.
Even shaving my legs.
Uh, I need to pee. But it's a
phantom pee.
I go to pee. No pee comes out. You
know, like when you're on drugs.
- What about the constipation?
- You what?
Haven't you got nuts bowels?
I have.
I hate to break it to you,
John, but you're not pregnant.
I have couvade syndrome.
Sympathy pains for the partner.
- Of course you have, darling.
- I do.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.
John was just going.
Was he brushing your hair?
It's getting so thick and I just
needed someone to brush it out for me.
- Mine's not getting any thicker.
- The ones on your chin are. Boom!
I'm sorry. Sorry! I'm
- Fake tan.
- Yeah.
For my blotchy and apparently
hairy face.
- Why? Why? Why the fuck is he here?
- Shh.
I'm sorry. Did I swear?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know I'll fall for you. But you
know what else is really awful?
Trying to get Mr. Chapman convicted of
tax evasion whilst you repeatedly fart
throughout your closing statement. Mr.
Chapman is roaring with laughter.
What do I do?
Just keep on farting.
All I want is to come home for
a snuggle with my girlfriend.
- But she's...
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh, God! I'm sorry.
- What did I do?
- I think it kicked.
Oh! Oh!
- Can I feel?
- Yep.
- There?
- I can't feel anything.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Still can't...
- Just wait.
- I missed it kick.
- No, shh.
- Babe. No, babe.
- I can't believe.
- I missed the baby kicking.
- No. Shush, shush.
- I'm sorry, I'm so useless.
- Babe, this is gonna have to stop.
- The baby kicked.
- Aw.
- Felt like wind.
- Perhaps, it was wind?
It's entirely possible.
- We're going out.
- Do you want me to go?
- Uh, finish your food.
It was nice.
Aw! Bugger me! These boobs, man.
[SIGHS] They're so big and
- [OLIVIA] We ready?
- [ALEX] Yep.
- What's wrong?
- Boobs. They kill.
Aw. Poor darling.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- [OLIVIA] Yeah?
- [ALEX] That's nice.
- [OLIVIA] Yeah?
- [ALEX] Mm-hmm.
[ALEX] Oh, yeah. Mm.
Oh, that's better.
[SIGHS] Bye, John.
So, you're in your safe space
and you can feel the warm water
lapping against your ankles.
- [AMY] And your digestive system...
- Alex, I need to show you something.
- [ALEX] What?
- My... My penis.
- Yeah, I'm set. Thanks.
- Wait, wait.
Please, it'll take two minutes.
Your membranes give away. You're
dealing with the... Hi, guys!
- [ALLISON] Hello. How're you? All right?
- [AMY] Hi, Olivia.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you're a
tiny bit late, Allison.
I'm really worried. Be a friend.
- [AMY] You can feel yourself moving...
- C'mon!
- I did my 96er on you.
- I don't wanna remember anything, okay?
All my best moves wasted on a
- [AMY] Throughout history...
- All right, two minutes. C'mon.
Give birth. You feel
your vagina give way.
You can feel that baby weighing
down on your perineum.
And the urge to shit it out
is now overwhelming you.
- It's orange.
- Am I gonna die?
So, we're gonna do some exercises now to
stretch the internal abdominal muscles.
But it's quite absorbing. I don't
really want to be interrupted.
- Do you know where your "people" are?
- Oh, yes, yes. Sorry. I'll just check.
[AMY] Leave that there.
[ALEX] And how does that feel?
Does it feel good?
[JOHN] Oh, it's definitely
- Oh!
- Oh, God! No, no, no.
- Oh.
- Now, it's John's John.
- Just look at it, babe.
- What?
Can cancer be orange?
Is that fake tan?
- [AMY] Sorry to interrupt.
I've gotta say, you guys, I am
starting to wonder whether this...
arrangement situation... life
choice thing is altogether healthy.
Amy... so sorry. Please ignore
I promise you. We are all
perfectly normal and healthy.
- Is it bleeding? Am I bleeding?
- You are.
Take that and get out.
[AMY] Please.
Yeah, all of you. Thanks.
I'll make this up to you. I
Just don't masturbate in our
house again.
- That's all I ask.
- Yep.
I most definitely probably
I bought you a yoga teacher.
- Just for an hour.
- Or two.
Cheers, John.
[JOHN] Alex!
Cheers, John.
[BEN] Well, it's jolly nice to
meet you.
- I love Alex like a sister.
- Have you ever been with a man?
[SCOFFS] Why'd you ask that?
I just thought it might run in the family.
I had a small bet with myself, actually.
Oh, right. I see.
Well, I take it one of you lost?
Jury's still out.
It was Alex's idea. Get mad at
She wants you to spend more time
with her bestie.
She did not call you her bestie.
Isn't pregnancy making her
Did you call John your bestie?
Huh? I can't hear you. Talk to
I do hope, Olivia and he'll get on today.
He's a sweet guy underneath.
Underneath what? His trousers?
- Michael, really?
- No. That's cool. It is kinda confusing.
- Oh, is it? So, you're confused?
- No, I mean, to the outside.
Someone once said that, sexual orientation
goes beyond the act of sex and...
Well, I think that makes sense for
what happened with me and John.
So you're... You're really
straight underneath.
No, I'm gay. I just did something that
wasn't necessarily about my sexuality.
Do you mind if I use that excuse
sometime, love?
My friends say I'm like a gay
man trapped in a woman's body.
We should go shopping sometime.
We'd have a right laugh.
Yes, I'm sure we would have a laugh,
but not 'cause I'm gay. I'm straight.
Oh, yeah. I'm not making any
I'm just saying if you
did happen to be gay.
And you are short of a diva. I do
know all the moves to "Vogue."
- I have a wife. And kids.
- And a bit of a lisp.
I'm just saying.
So, did we bond?
You're not going to go that angry
puce shade whenever I'm needed?
Aw, says the man with the tango
You've done enough. Thanks.
- What do you mean?
- Maybe, you need to give Alex some space.
Is that what Alex wants?
I think she's being kind because
she thinks you're lonely.
- She said that?
- Yeah.
Why am I asking you, I'll ask her.
Hey, Al. [GRUNTS]
- [OLIVIA] Oh, no.
- What was that for?
- It was an accident.
- Oh, no.
God, poor chap. He's soaked.
Does that turn you on?
Hello, you two. Where did you
come from?
Where's your mommy?
Where's your mum...
Would you like some chocolate?
Now since you're both so
I'm going to give one to you...
and one to you. There you go!
Is that nice?
Okay. Um, you both stop. Stop
Um, do you want to put that...
Put the cucumber back.
- Could you stop that? Do you want...
Maybe just... I don't... I don't know.
Where's your mum...
- Okay, stop that.
- [LILY] Sam!
Stop that!
- [LILY] Pick this up.
What? I know! I'm a terrible mother.
You... Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just... I gave him some chocolate
and then he, um, but then I ran out.
God! He's gonna be up for days.
Okay, she's squashing the mush...
Stamping on the mushrooms there.
Right. I'll pay for this.
Don't worry. So sorry.
- My fault. Um, they're lovely.
- What're you having?
Hope it's a girl. Because girls never
turn psycho and shoot up schools.
And you know little boys,
they pee on your face...
every time you change their
And we've demonized any kind
of light spanking
so that playing card's off the
You know, I thought some...
The last month of pregnancy,
when my pelvis was splitting
and I was hobbling around on crutches.
It was hell. But um...
But then I had Sam.
- I'm having a boy.
- Bugger.
- Thank you.
- Well. At least, you're young.
- I'm 40.
I'm sorry, but, um...
you've actually made me feel
less alone.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I used to be pretty like you.
Great. Okay.
- Good luck.
- C'mon, Sam!
C'mon, darling, let's
get your brother. Sam!
- You into sports?
- Yes!
- Great!
- Chess!
I know why I'm here.
Oh, um, yes.
Olivia thought we might get on.
And she wants to stop me trying
to steal her girlfriend.
- That's it exactly, actually, yeah.
- I'm even throwing her a baby shower.
Maybe you should throw yourself
a cold shower.
How about we ease this situation
by getting hammered?
- Fuck, yes.
Alex, they need boundaries
or they will destroy everything.
- They're just a couple of kids.
- Okay, so don't... Please. Sorry.
Should we... should we just agree
to disagree about the whole...
- Parenting bit?
We've got plenty of time.
We'll be fine. Besides,
we're not gonna be alone.
We've got John.
- God, you're sexy.
- Yeah.
No wonder you turned a gay
woman straight.
I wonder if my wife's being gay
- Hey! What's up, man?
- She left me.
Age... ages ago.
No reason. Just that I dry her
entire being up like a prune.
No! They just do it to annoy you. Ha-ha!
We're in our little girly club,
and you can't join because
of your stupid penis.
Well, my penis is not stupid.
I used to pound her steak just the way
she liked it till it was extra thin.
And in return she...
pounded my heart till it
My penis is not stupid.
- Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hang on!
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- What happened? Oh, gosh!
- Oh, gosh!
All right. Let's just...
Let's just leave it, babe.
I need to go for a piss, okay?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Isn't it a bit late in the day
for a shower?
The baby waiters had
a month's waiting list.
I know this because the
shower planner told me.
I shit you not. The shower
- Are you about to be sick?
I literally haven't slept in
three days,
so I don't know
if I'm gonna puke or pass out.
- I'd go for the former.
- These floors look pretty solid.
- Got it!
Well, hello. [CHUCKLES]
Fancy finding you here.
No! No, this isn't... We're not...
I'm just standing here.
I meant Alex's baby shower.
- The girl you love like a sister.
- Yes. Yeah, I know. I just...
I was just making conversation.
- Oh, my gosh! You're pregnant, too. Aw.
- Oh, my gosh!
How did you guess?
You've got a little bit of sick
in your hair.
I know.
- I know. I put it in there.
- Oh!
'Cause it's good for the
natural protein fiber oils.
- [CAROL] Oh!
- Yeah.
John and Alex have such
fascinating friends.
- What did you call them?
John and Alex.
It's not John and Alex. It is
- Alex.
- That's what I said.
- John and Alex...
- No, you didn't.
'Cause you're saying it
like they're together,
putting them in a sentence together. They
don't belong in a sentence together.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Olivia! I'm Olivia.
- Ah! Yeah.
Olivia and Alex.
- Al and Ol?
- We're just so used to...
- John and Alex. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.
- Who are you?
- Uh, Luke Hammond.
- Oh!
- CEO of Mannism. Hail to the Alpha.
I'm gonna need to pop back in
for another puke.
- Sure.
- Mother.
- There you go.
Condoms. A massive box of
Well, I never make the same
mistake twice.
I make it five or six times
just to be sure...
Moving on.
[JOHN] All right, let's have
another family present.
- Here's mine.
- Thank you, John-O.
[SIGHS] John.
[JOHN] It's a first edition.
I know that our baby is going
to open my eyes to the world,
in as many varied and
wonderful ways as you have.
[ALL] Aw.
- Thanks.
- To John and Alex.
- [ALL] To John and Alex.
- Thank you from both of us.
- It's very kind.
- Sorry, John?
- What was that?
- It's very kind of everyone.
No, before.
- What you said before?
- Thank you from both of us.
Since when do you speak on
Alex's behalf?
- Uh, okay, Olivia.
- [OLIVIA] Huh?
I just asked a question.
It's a very simple question.
I just wanna know, when I am
conversing with my girlfriend,
- if I should be addressing you?
Hello! I'm still here. Remember
You enjoying your fetus shaped
- Just calm down, will ya?
- Oh, calm down. [LAUGHS]
No, John. No.
You don't tell me to calm down.
- Easy.
- Shut. The fuck. Up!
[ALEX] Babe?
- Not now, babe.
- If not now, then when? When?
Can I tell this mindless
human being to back off?
How about when we realize that
our child
is being raised on the
misogynistic values of Mannism?
Or, what about when we... Mm-hmm.
When I have to buy a bigger house
because John wants to move in.
Um, we should let him because
he's lonely and divorced.
- And after all, he's the real father.
- Stop it, Olivia. He's trying.
Am I just supposed to forget that
he's the one you cheated with.
C'mon! She didn't.
What is this? Alex?
You're gay. But then you're straight.
Then you're gay again.
Oh, and apparently, you're
pregnant woman of the year!
I'm ti... I just can't keep up.
I really can't. At some
point, you have to choose.
No, I don't.
You are supposed to love all of
I'm sorry I don't fit
into your tight knit plans.
Those plans were always about
All I ever wanted was to
give you a proper family.
Yeah. The perfect family, yeah?
Like Ben's?
Ben, who is getting divorced.
Hello. Yes.
I'm the one with a failed
- Glad everyone's been made aware.
- Shocker.
Everyone's got their shit,
Olivia, right?
- Alex, what is it?
- I think you should leave, Olivia.
- She doesn't have to leave.
- Okay, so I misjudged that.
- Oh! I think I'm having a contraction.
- Okay, it's fine. She's too early.
- She's not having a contraction.
- I'm sure it's a contraction.
- [GRUNTS] -It's not
gonna be a contraction.
- Fuck!
- We could, of course, be wrong.
Doctor Parks.
Oh hey, doc. We got a lot of snot
coming out of this one's hoo-ha.
I wanted to be a concert
All right. We'll get the nurse
to set you up.
- Who's coming?
- I am.
- Right take that!
- Yep, yep. All right, be careful.
Okay, I'll just... I'll be here.
[PAUL] Right then.
Baby's very low down in your pelvis.
Which is good.
I'm just gonna have a little
[PAUL] I can't find...
Well, let me just get Doctor
It's all fine. It's going to be
- Just let him out there know, okay?
- Okay.
- You all right?
- Mm-hmm.
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- [OLIVIA] John.
- What's happening?
We don't know.
They've gone to get the doctor.
Why, what's wrong?
- Should I speak to someone?
- I think...
it was trouble finding the heartbeat
but it's already quite far down.
- There's contractions, so...
- So, you wouldn't be able to find it.
- Right.
- Okay.
She will be fine.
Um, okay.
- [DR. PARKS] Miss Jones?
- Hi.
I'm so sorry.
There's no heartbeat. I'm so
What? Wait, wait.
- Are you sure? Could you try it again?
- No heartbeat was detected. I'm certain.
How are you certain?
Maybe, you made a mistake.
Most commonly, an infection has occurred.
We'll do further tests.
I know this is hard.
But I'm afraid we have to think
of Miss Jones' safety.
Now, and the safest step now
is to deliver this baby.
Plea... Please could you... could you
just do it one more time for us?
Just one more time again.
I'm so sorry.
She's gone.
Could you give us a minute?
- [ALEX] Babe?
- [OLIVIA] Yes, I'm here.
I don't want you here.
I don't want this in anyone's memory.
I just want to get it done.
- Are you sure?
- Please.
[JOHN] "Seldom, except in books, do
the dying utter memorable words,
see visions, or depart
with beatified countenances...
and those who have sped
many parting souls know
that to most the end comes as
naturally and simply as sleep.
As Beth had hoped,
the tide went out easily...
and in the dark hour before the
on the bosom where she
had drawn her first breath...
she quietly drew her last.
With no farewell but one loving
one little sigh."
Look, I know you're probably
gonna wanna talk about it...
about her.
But you see, I can't.
I don't know if I'll ever be
able to.
I was so looking forward
to being something.
- Is John okay?
- Uh...
When he cries...
his entire body crumples up
like a little old lady's.
That's funny.
- It's not.
- No.
I actually saw him this morning.
I can't help waddling...
about, reminding him... Sorry.
Maybe, it's best if you keep
your distance from him a bit.
Right. Okay.
We could go to my parents', I
Or you can go if you want.
[SUE] Darling!
- We're going to have such fun.
- [OLIVIA] Oh!
Daddy's birthday party's coming up.
I've invited that Biggles Tilsbury.
- I've got such a girl crush on her.
- You can just say crush, Mummy.
- Anyway, I shouldn't be here for long.
- You can stay here as long as you like.
We really are fine.
I think it's time you started thinking
about this baby other than that girl.
Don't you?
Oh, look. John's sporting a man
bun, the final tosser frontier.
He's a handsome devil.
Sorry, darling.
Oh, look! Biggles Tilsbury just got here.
You two would make a lovely couple.
Thanks, Mummy. I still have a
Magda and the girls then?
Oh, um, she took the kids
on a weekend away.
Isn't that a bit odd, going on
holiday without your husband?
- Um...
- Not at all, actually. No, um...
- Trudy leaves Sting behind all the time.
- Does she now?
- Bully for her.
- Hmm.
This is organic Hereford
blackcurrant vodka.
And this is the coolest old
person party I have ever seen.
I better not.
Alex, an international playboy
once said, "To drink is to live".
And that international playboy
was me!
Yeah, Alex. What you got to
Just one shot.
- Hmm.
- [OLIVIA] Very nice to see you.
- Whatto!
Oh! Sorry.
- Biggles, how are you? Very long time.
- Very long time, yeah.
The last thing I remember was
running around your garden naked.
- Oh!
- So, last week then?
- No, no. We were five.
Yes, no. I was joking.
Oh, right. Yeah, I know, 'cause
wouldn't have been last week.
- No.
- Wouldn't have been naked.
Aren't you a bit old to be
having a baby?
- Uh, I guess not.
- Ah! Well, I do hope it's normal.
Thank you.
Most kind. Ben.
Come over. Biggles, do you remember Ben?
This is my brother.
- Uh, vaguely.
- You babysat me through childhood.
- Oh!
- We went to the same school
and then university.
Ben? Whose wife is a rampant
Yep. That Ben.
You used to wet the bed, didn't
- [JOHN] Get up!
You weren't just going to
leave, were you?
No. I just needed a moment away
from it all.
You've been drinking.
- Yeah! I'm allowed now, remember?
- I know. I...
I wasn't saying...
- Did you not get the invite?
- Yeah. I'm...
stood right here.
Well, what part of "garden chic"
do hot pants fit under?
I don't know. Is there
a I-don't-give-a-fuck option?
Yeah, okay.
Alex, can we try and get
back to normal? Please?
Maybe, less of the swearing,
smoking, boozing?
More of the early nights, yoga?
So, I can be a good mum to my
non-existent child, is that it?
No. So you can be a good mother to mine.
For ours.
- I need more time.
- We don't have any more time, Alex.
We need you.
I can't be everything you want me
to be right now. I'm so sorry.
This feels like something has
- It's just changed.
- No.
I shouldn't feel so lost when I'm
where I always wanted to be.
[SUE] Olivia!
Should I go?
- Has she even seen this?
- No.
Why is it yellow? She's having
a boy.
And what if it was a boy that
wanted to be a girl, Jonathan?
Yeah, all right.
All right. I'm a middle class,
straight, white guy and I suck, sorry.
To teach is to learn yourself. It's
a noble and inspiring profession.
- And Miss Jones?
- What?
I guess if I'm a teacher then
I won't be some wired artist,
desperate for her next joint.
I'll be normal. Be part of the
That sounds quite nice, now.
And yeah, what she said.
- Whatto.
- Hello, Biggles.
Bought the backgammon. Bit of competition
should help get that baby out.
Oh, yay!
- John, what on earth are you doing here?
- Hold the door. I have to talk to you.
- Who's this?
- Biggles Tilsbury. How do you do?
That is such a stupid name.
No offense. You should be a dog
in a handbag, in like, 2001.
- Goodbye, John.
- I have to talk to you.
- We're busy.
- It's Alex.
- What's wrong with Alex?
- Do you like my bun?
- I don't have time for this, John.
- No. But, yet, you never have time.
I've lost the love of my life, I'm
40 and I live with my parents
and I'm about to shit out
another human being.
Have you got a point in this
Or in life?
You know what you may not know,
I was born with scoliosis.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I had a back
right through school
to straighten things out.
- Okay.
- I know.
You're thinking, "But how he's
so tall and Greek-God like?
Well, that was not the case back then.
I was twisted like a pretzel.
The other boys used to hang me by
my brace from the football goal net
and then kick balls at my head.
- Oh!
- Right at my head.
- Gosh!
- Yup. And these were Scottish boys, not...
ya Harry Potter, posh, wee, skinny things.
These are real proper men,
kicking balls, right at my head.
And then, they'd leave me there.
All night, sometimes.
I just... I'd swing about a bit.
Come crashing down.
Mess up my back some more.
- Sounds painful.
- Oh, yep.
Oh, yeah. [SNIFFS]
Then now... I'm the one causing
the pain.
Breaking the ladies' heart.
Left, right, center, So...
I can get anyone I want.
You know who I couldn't get?
Okay, well...
Technically, you did get Alex,
so I don't know if this little
story is really working.
No, all I got Alex was blind
I've loved her since I first
saw her.
Since she shouted at me for directing
the Jehovah's witness' to your door.
To me, she was it.
And it...
loves only you.
Alex is...
100% bona fide carpet muncher...
and your carpet...
is the only one...
she wants to munch.
That was very sweet for about a
You know, she redecorated
the spare room...
for the baby.
I didn't know that.
- I was just so scared.
- I know you were. I was too.
I really wanted to be a dad.
Could you settle for uncle?
- C'mon.
- John, wait.
Wait, John. John, John, John, John, John.
I'm not just...
John, please. I can feel your
- Darling, where you're going?
- I'm going home.
- Are you trying to run?
- Yeah.
- [OLIVIA] That is the general idea.
- Why?
It just feels like a...
running kind of moment.
She's going to get the
love of her, and my life.
- [SUE] Really?
- Sounds complicated.
That tummy rather kills romance
doesn't it, darling?
Ah! Yes.
It does. It does.
Thank you, Mummy.
- Cup of tea before you go?
- I mean, we probably have time.
It is a toe ring but I'm
gonna get you a proper ring.
I want to marry you.
Because I do love it all.
If you're a stoner,
or an artist or...
a bloody astronaut. I don't care.
You're you.
You're so kind, and so great,
and just... Just...
You're just a great person, Alex
and obviously,
by the way, you're so much
better than an astronaut.
And... But actually, you're better
than anyone I can think of,
so I'm going to stop waffling
and beg you. Alex...
please be with me forever.
- "You're better than an
astronaut?" -[CHUCKLES]
I'm still not that great
at proposing or...
- to be fair, that great at any of it.
- I don't think either of us are.
- What?
- I think I've just burst.
- [SCREAMS] John!
- He's in the car.
'Course, he is.
- Go slow, go slow, go slow.
- Breathe.
I'll just be here.
You don't have to come.
I know.
Right, Miss Miller, let's prove
geriatrics can still have kids, okay?
- [LAUGHS] That's my joke.
Right. I do not want to be down here
for too long so c'mon now, push!
- Cake, you two?
- We've already had a ton of cake.
[OLIVIA] Right.
This one is without the hash.
- No, thank you.
- Beats the office, eh, Charles?
- Too bloody hot in here.
- Or not.
Ben, will you please have some
of our mother's cake?
I actually think masculinity is
overrated, personally. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello, my sweet boy.
[OLIVIA] Some days, I'm a good
Some days, I'm a bit of a crap
[JOHN] How was your first
Christmas, eh?
[OLIVIA] Alex and I never did
get married.
After everything that had happened,
it didn't seem important.
It's no longer about all those
I'm simply about you, me and
Your mammalian roots...
okay? Just have some respect
for those.
Has anyone ever seen
an elephant give birth?
No? Oh, you have to see that,
that's amazing.
Has anyone seen a chimpanzee
give birth?
No? Has anyone seen, like, a
family pet?
- Or...
- Yeah.
Uh, gerbil.
Seriously, John?
This is part of the problem.
We are so disconnected
from our natural history.
That we believe that birth is not
for us but you know everybody,
everybody eats, everybody
- What was that for?
- It was an accident.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no. The baby. The baby. The baby.
The baby. The baby. The baby. The baby.
The baby. The baby. The baby.
The baby. No! No!
Bit of a handful, I'd imagine.
- Would you consider divorce or...
Yeah, probably don't
wanna talk about it...
like here... with you...
One of those open
relationships, is it?
- So nice to catch up.
- It really is. What a... What a treat.
To see you and it...
Just you...
Um, just...
I think I've got a ladybird in
my ear.
- That's it. Um. Um, yeah, yeah.
- Oh!
- [WOMAN] Cut!
- Sorry.
I actively hope that baby's not mine.
I will punch you right in the boob.
You make me sick.
[LAUGHS] Please say cut!
[ALEX] Look, babe!
[ALEX] Look!
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What's happening? I want a part of this.
This looks like fun.