You Should Meet My Son! (2010) Movie Script

You want a kiss?
- Yes......
All right, you happy?
No I am not happy I want more!
You want more?
All right.
Now come on....
No more come on
All right...
Now get your game face on!
You are going to have to tell her sooner or later Brian!
And I will!
Just as soon as I learn CPR
Do you really think she is going to have a hear attack?
Yes I do!
How's my favourite boy?
Hey mom
Dennis, it is good to see you.
Oh my, I always say my son has the nicest room mate.
Where is this one from?
It is a Portuguese red.
Why I can't wait to try it.
I bought you a little something.
Brian you shouldn't have...
It's not my birthday!
Oh it's....... Oh it's
OK what is it?
It's a washer to fix that drip under the sink
Oh you!!! (laughs)
He gets it from his father.
Yeah, so I have heard...
I hope you boys have an appetite
your aunt rose made her famous pork chops
Smells delicious.
Wow aunt rose you look well.
mm mm..... Rose you are looking fine!!
Have you been working out?
Here you go....
Mom do you know that your hairs.....
Yes, Light....
It's this new hair stylist, that girl can't seem to do anything right.
What happened to the old one?
Oh you mean Monsieur Felix.
That is quite the scandal.
Not really fit for polite company.
Well you can tell us.
Well... I was having lunch the other day
with Mrs Johnson from the daughter of the confederacy
She has it on very good authority that Monsieur Felix is......
You know...
He's "you know"
A GAY hairdresser.
I know!!
What is the world coming to.
So Mom you stopped seeing Felix,
because he's "you know".
Well what would you expect me to do?
I can't very well have him touching my hair,
After his hands have been...
Lord knows where his hands have been.
(Door bell rings)
Oh! I will get it.
Now who could that be?
(talking at door)
Hello! It is good to see you again
come on in?
Brian, This is Charlotte...
She is a lovely girl that we met at the market.
There you go.
Charlotte this is my single son Brian.
and that's his room mate Dennis.
Oh Brian, I thought I heard the door.
Well this is Susan, she is the niece
of my dentist Doctor Peterson
Susan this is my single son Brian.
Oh my you look terrible what's wrong?
It's nothing Mom
It's just allergies I will be fine.
Where's Dennis?
Dennis decided to get his own place.
Oh did he finally find a nice girl?
Not exactly.
Well you tell him not to be a stranger....
He is always welcome at my table.
Rose and I have to finished up a few things in the kitchen,
Why don't you two talk a little?
So your mom do this a lot?
(sigh) yours?
Every Sunday but most of the guys she brings home
are dogs though.
(Charlotte) Oh yeah.
If a guy isn't married by the time he is 30,
there is a reason
You're a nice surprise though.
Looks wise at least.
(Charlotte) I like your hair,
how do you get it to do that?
Do what?
Well it's up in the middle then....
It's gel
(Charlotte) It's cute.
(Mae shouts from kitchen)
Susan's a lawyer did she tell you that?
Mom we were just discussing it.
So what's your dirty little secret?
Excuse me?
You're not married yet....
Axe murderer?
Compulsive neat freak?
Oh my god.....
Oh my god....
Don't tell me your a trekie.
It's errrr...... complicated.
(Mae shouts from kitchen again)
Susan did Brian mention he is a teacher?
(Charlotte shouts back to kitchen)
Yes Miss Davis he was just tell me all about it.
You know what I really like that top on you,
it's cute.
Oh yeah, you do?
You want to see my tits?
(Brian gags)
Yes! I figured that was it.
Did you have a nice chat?
I am sure you have so much in common.
Oh yes,
there is at least one thing we both like....
Oh that's nice.
So let's start with some salad.
Susan just take some then pass it on to Brian.
So Brian how long have you been out??
Out here in the suburbs....
Oh Brian doesn't live out here.
He has a lovely old house in the city.
It's very spacious, he restored it himself
Now, Dennis helped.
Oh yes, Dennis so was he...
Friend Yes!
Your good friend?
Your REALLY good friend?
My extra special bestest bud.
Gee why don't tell my mom all about
that court case your working on?
Oh nobody wants to hear about tax law.
No really it is fascinating,
please enlighten us.
So why did Dennis move out?
He said he was tired of the furniture.
But you have such nice things.
You know a lot of times men don't appreciate the
furniture they have till they lose it
Yeah so...?
Tax law?
So how long were you two room mating?
and can we move off the subject now.
You have to talk about it!
it's therapeutic
It's annoying!
It's entertaining!
Aren't they cute?
Yeah it's like they have there own little language.
OK look just tell me...
was it because he wasn't sleeping well in the house?
He was sleeping just fine thank you!
I dunno maybe the mattress was lumpy?
The mattress goes to the gym three times a week.
Look I wasn't belittling your mattress.
I am just saying that you might try changing the sheets.
I have a nice variety of sheets that isn't the problem.
What if you two went out and bought a nice "end" table together?
I have a nice variety of sheets that isn't the problem.
What if you two went out and bought a nice "end" table together?
Call me old fashioned but I don't like to share my furniture.
I am just saying I know a couple of guys in New York,
Who are very happy with a non- traditional floor plan.
No offence but I don't need the decorating tips.
Oh I was just trying to be helpful.
Who would like some butter?
Thank you so much for coming,
I hope you enjoyed yourself?
Oh yes I just had a GAY old time!
Maybe the two of you would like to trade numbers,
you never know when you might like to talk again
maybe grab a coffee
Maybe the two of you would like to trade numbers,
you never know when you might like to talk again
maybe grab a coffee
You know what Brian you and I should go dancing.
I bet you know some great clubs.
Mom we gotta go.
(Both sequels)
We did it, we did it
This time they are getting married for sure.
I can't wait to have some little grand kiddies....
(Mae shushes Rose)
They are still out there.
(Charlotte talking outside)
Oh come on it will be fun.
My cousin Tony,
is looking for a room mate to and he plays rugby.
Thanks but I think I am going to be out of the
room mate market for a little while.
OK fine.
Call you tomorrow to check on you?
Damn why are all the cute one's gay?
She thinks.....
I heard.
How could she think that?
Well, well he does dress awful nice...
Maybe but....
and he was living with a man....
(Rose) in a house they restored themselves
(Mae) but that doesn't mean
(Rose)with all those really nice antiques.
and a cappuccino maker...
and all those pictures of Michaelangelo "David"
all over the shower curtain.....
I can see how she might get the wrong idea.
What are we going to do?
This is terrible.
She is never going to marry him if she think he is "you know".
I know just what we need.
Rose? what are you doing?
Glamour magazine?
You always made fun of me for keeping the back issues.
July 1991.
How to tell if your boyfriend is gay!!
Oh it's a little quiz?
So we can fill it in and show her that Brian isn't gay.
That is very clever of you Rose.
Question number 1 - Does he watch sports?
Of course he watches sports he never misses the Olympics.
It says that men's gymnastics doesn't count.
That would be a no then.
Does he have a subscription to men's fitness?
Yes but only for the articles.
Does he have any pictures of Michaelangelo "David" in his house?
You are just making that one up.
You want me to finish this?
I think that might be best.
No..... No.....
"Wonder Woman" and "Speedo".
Right OK.....
Oh dear....
Well you must have added it up wrong.
Oh no.....
Oh no....
Oh I don't believe it.
Oh I won't believe it
You don't believe it do you Rose?
It's Glamour Magazine.
They know there stuff.
(Screams really loudly)
Where did I go wrong? what did I do?
Mae you didn't do anything.
Maybe I shouldn't have let him join the cub scouts.
You know with all those boys alone in the woods,
Anything can happen.
Oh Mae....
Maybe I shouldn't have let him watch the Wizard of Oz because...
You know.... that scarecrow is very likeable.
Oh that Judy Garland....
Mae that didn't mean why this...
Once upon a time I took him to see the "Nut Cracker" at Christmas.
What was I thinking taking a boy to a ballet
Mae it is not your fault.
Although you did let him watch an awful lot
of Madonna videos as a kid.
No wonder he is gay, Rose I am the worst mother in the world....
You are not a bad mother, you are a great mother and you know it.
Then why?
Why is my only son a homosexual?
How did I fail him?
Oh you didn't fail him...
I'm never going to have grand kids Rose, never.
Brian..... what about him?
Brian is never going to have a wife,
he is never going to have a family....
He is going to be all alone in that great big house.
Oh Mae....
(Mae sobs)
Oh Mae maybe they can help him here.
(Lady shouts off screen to Mae and Rose)
Ladies.... the Reverend will see you know.
Thank you.
(Reverend talking)
Well you have come to the right place.
Here at "gay be gone"
we can knock the gay clean out of them.
With Christ loving mercy of course.
We are just so worried about him.
Do you really think you can fix him?
(Reverend) Let me show you how our program works.
We begin by teaching our new recruits proper
"masculine" behaviour.
(Voices from behind door)
(Teacher) Check out the tits on that chick!
(students drone) Check out the tits on that chick!
(teacher) Woman bring me a beer!
(Students drone) Woman bring me a...
(high pitched voice) Sour apple Martini
(Reverend) and then they practice in a more realistic
heterosexual environment.
(Stripper music coming from behind door)
Shake you money maker.
Bambi take it off...
I am going to fuck her, then go and play some football
then fuck her again!
(Reverend laughs)
(Rose) Oh my?
(Reverend) Impressive huh?
Reverend I don't mean to question your methods,
I don't believe I want my son behaving like that.
Lady do you want a polite little woosy mama's boy.....
Or do you want a macho stud that is
pumping out your grand kids?
I guess so.....
Of course you do.
and to make sure the message sticks,
We give the a short course of "aversion therapy".
Every time Eric here sees a homo erotic image on the screen,
He gets a gentle electric shock,
(Sound of electric shock and man screaming coming from behind door)
Through a wire connected to his testicles.
It's sort of like hitting a puppy with a rolled up newspaper
(another electric shock and scream from behind door)
This will rewire his brain to start accepting
more heterosexual ideas
(Longer electric shock and prolonged scream of pain from behind door)
So in doing so we have cured him,
In a manner consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Well that was certainly educational.
I guess.....
Oh what are you going to do Mae?
I don't know Rose.
I want him to be happy but....
(Mae talking from inside)
Look at him, he is so handsome.
(both Mae and Rose talking)
(Mae) I know he is so good
(Rose) I know he is such a good boy.
(Brian talking to lady)
hey I will probably see you next time.
(lady) bye bye thank you again so much.
(Brian) It's OK bye guys.
Hi there... I just came by to finish the garage.
It will be white, it is suppose to last about 50 years.
Are you happy?
(Brian) What?
(Mae) It's just that your usually smiling....
But this past week...
Is something?
It's nothing.
(Brian) Look at me now I'm smiling.
I'm fine.
You know I will do anything to make you happy.
I know.
I am going to go and finish that garage.
You know something Mae?
I don't care if he is "you know".
I like Brian just the way he is.
You know what Rose?
So do I.
God I am so relieved.
Even if I will never have grand kids.
There is not a single thing I would change about that man.
(Rose) No, me neither.
What am I going to do Rose?
I can't stand the idea of my baby boy
going through life alone and unhappy.
Well he always seemed to be happy when Dennis was around.
Rose what are you suggesting?
I am not suggesting anything....
I am just saying....
That maybe that was why he always had
that big old goofy grin on his face.
You mean.....
Oh my god.
I just got a picture in my head of Brian and Dennis....
Which one do you think was....
Well you remember when Brian was toilet training and...
I don't want to know
(Rose) Well what are you going to do?
The only thing a good mother can do.
There you are.
(Mae) I just thought you would like a little help
with the move is all.
Where do you want these?
In the kitchen.
So Mae... how have you been?
Other than my hip, nothing to complain about.
and you?
I'm fine.
That's nice.
By the way....
When were you going to tell me you have been sodomizing my son?
Oh my isn't that the right word?
Well what I mean is when you and....
I know what you meant Mae.
You have been eating at my table for 5 years,
and you couldn't even drop me a hint?
Brian was just waiting for the right time.
Dennis listen to me couples fight...
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
The two of you should talk.
It's not right for men to live by themselves
it says so in the bible.
Although I must admit I had to get passed all that stuff in laviticas....
about the two of you being unspeakable abominations.
But there is this lovely part in Genesis,
where it talks about how men should not live alone.
How the should have a companion.
(Dennis) Yes Mae I know.
Now I have to admit you are not exactly what
I was expecting in a daughter in law.
But you do make my son happy.
and lord knows I can be flexible.
Course we are going to have to think of something
to tell the neighbours.
(Mae) I do not wanna hear,
Of the two of you yammering on about how great your sex life is.
If its all the same to you...
I'm just going to go back to pretending you are Brian's room mate.
I can do it, I am very good at denial.
I want you to take these cups and....
(Mae) your....
(Dennis) Now Mae...
You left my wonderful son Brian,
For this.... this bleach blond home wrecker?
No offence I am sure your a very nice person.
It's complicated Mae.
(Mae) Complicated?
Oh Dennis it's simple.
You sir are a scoundrel.
and you know what my son deserves better.
You are not worthy of a man as good as my Brian.
I tell you what...
That boys head had seen more bleach
than a laundry room.
Poor Brian....
Poor Brian?
Poor Dennis!
He was lucky to have a man as good as my Brian.
Someday he is going to realise that.
Well at least you tried.
Oh I am not done yet.
I thought you said Dennis wouldn't....
Dennis shmemis
I am sure there are plenty of guys who would
be thrilled to marry a guy like Brian.
I know but....
My son is a good person he deserves to be happy.
Yeah but Mae we don't know any gay men.
Not yet.
Mae, what did you do?
(Door bell rings)
Hi, I have a delivery here for Mae Davis.
What a nice surprise.
It is so completely unexpected.
Oh would you mind carrying them into the kitchen for me?
(Mae)Thank you, right this way
Mae you didn't.....
Zip it!
Where would you like...
(Mae) Oh right over there would be perfect.
Thank you so much.
What's your name?
I'm Tim
Hi Tim, I am Mae and this is my sister Rose.
(Rose whispers) Hi
(Tim) It's nice to meet you.
You ladies have a beautiful home.
That is so nice of you to notice.
You know what I am going to get you,
A glass of ice tea
(Tim) Oh no I couldn't...
Oh but it is such a hot day...
No I insist.
(Tim continues to object)
It's important to stay hydrated.
Thank you.
So you like being a florist Tim?,
Is it a good living?
(Tim) Actually I am not a florist, I just deliver the flowers.
It helps pay for school.
Now that wouldn't be medical school by any chance?
(Tim) Of sorts.... I am studying acupuncture.
Err what??
(Tim) It's a Chinese method.
(Tim) You relieve pain by inserting needles into pressure points.
(Mae) Really is that a good living?
(Tim) It can be.
How nice for you.
Then you must be a kind person to be a healer.
Do you think your a kind person, Tim?
(Tim) Sure
That is such a nice quality in a man.
I am always like a man with a sense of humour,
you know who is funny.
Do you think your funny Tim?
I guess so
Good tell me a joke.
You said you were funny, so tell me a joke.
(Tim) Now?
(Mae) If you don't mind.
Hey I really gotta go
One more question.
Are you a homosexual?
It's not that you come across that way I just....
Oh that is so nice.
Isn't that nice Rose?
Oh yes that's wonderful.
That's so nice.
(Mae stutters)
As a matter of fact... my son .... is a homosexual
Isn't that right Rose?
And he is a real nice boy.
He is and he is funny and he is a good cook...
and he is handsome, don't you think he is handsome?
He would be a great catch for some lucky guy.
Oh really?
You know he is coming over for Sunday dinner.
Why don't you join us?
You know I would love to....
But I don't think my boyfriend would like that.
Oh sure.
Nice boy like you of course you would have a boyfriend...
I really appreciate the tea but I have to get going.
Tim just one more thing...
Where did you meet your boyfriend?
Oh come on we are grown women, you can tell us.
You know....
The internet.
The internet?
He met him at the internet.
oh yes I heard.
Are there a lot of homosexual men at the internet?
Oh yeah.
Brian gets me these like four Christmas's ago.
Says we can email each other,
It's not like he couldn't just pick up the phone and call.
That boy....
There sure are a lot of pieces.
I'll say....
Where do you suppose that goes?
How should I know?
The only people that understand these things are kids.
Hey Mrs Davis, my mom said you called about the lawn,
but I just cut it two days ago.
Oh I am so sorry I must have been mistaken.
But as long as your here....
And that is how you turn it on...
You are a very smart boy.
So what did you want to do with it?
We want to go on the internet.
OK what kind of connection do you have?
Yeah, are you using DSL or a cable modem?
I'll just piggy back you off my wireless network.
And where would you like to go?
On the internet where would you like to go?
Well..... My son Brian...
You remember Brain you met him at Christmas.
Well he has a best friend and he moved away.
And we want to find him another best friend.
But we have to have a very perticular type of.....
I'll sign you up on Man Hunt.
How do you know that?
I've heard about it from a friend at school, OK!
Just don't tell my mom I know how to do this.
Here is some cookies for later,
and here is a little something for the college fund.
No you deserve it you were a big help.
No problem.
Call me any time you need tech support.
Look at all of them.
It's like a catalogue of men.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
That can't be real....
Oh he must have a real hard time finding pants that fit.
How about this one?
A masseur?
I was really hoping for a doctor.
How big are you?
Huh what?
I am just reading what he wrote...
and he said how big are you?
Well that's a hell of a way to start a conversation.
Oh he wrote it again.
How big are you?
He is a fast typer.
Oh my god, it's in caps now.
How big are you?
He is just very impatient.
How big are you?
Well Brian is 6 foot 4.
No Brian is 6 foot 2
Just write I'm big...
(Rose says sarcastically) I'm BIG.
Cut or Uncut?
How old are you?
It is none of his business.
How old.....
How old are you?
Tell him I am.... 52
(Mae repeats herself sternly)
Where did he go?
Well I don't know.
Well get him back.
What in the world make you think I know how to do that?
There was a thing I saw on Opera
I think it was called..... "Googling".
Yeah how do you spell "google"
Well what do you know.
You have a knack for this Rose!.
What do we want to ask it?
Where can we find some nice gay men?
Where do we find nice gay men in Birmingham?
Birmingham, Alabama
You over rated toaster.
But Mae.... Mae that is down town.
Well we haven't been down town after dark in like 20 years.
We just never had any reason to go till now.
You coming?
He man I gotcha I gotcha it is right around the corner...
Ladies there's a line...
Mae... I don't think this is a very good idea.
Seeing that I am sure they are personally nice people.
Lets go.
That's gross...
We are not going anywhere until we find someone for Brian.
Are you a nice "dogman"
(Man barks loudly at Mae and Rose)
Gregory Phillips..... what do you thin your doing?
(Greg chokes on cigarette)
Mrs Davis????
(Mae) Does your mother know you are doing this?
I was just standing here honest
I didn't know it was a gay bar.
My friend lynette god rest her soul,
She died of lung cancer.
You are much to young to be starting such bad habits.
Can I see some ID please.
Oh... really you are so kind.
(Both ladies giggle)
Oh god where is it?
Oh wait here it is.
There's my licence it has kind of expired but....
There is my shopping card, library card and there's a calendar.
Mam..... go in.
You are a credit to your profession.
Come on Rose lets go.
Hi, how are you?
That nice young man outside told us to come in here.
(Mae) 10 dollars?? each?
Do you offer a senior citizen discount?
Here you go.
No, don't worry it is always good to ask.
(Really loud dance music playing in background)
It's so LOUD.
(Mae) It's so dark,
how am I meant to find a man in this place?
Sorry, oh god I am so sorry...
Excuse me.
Does that hurt?
Hi my name is Mae...
Would you like to meet a nice....
(Mae sighs)
I must be doing something wrong.
I think your smiling to much.
(Rose) Look at them....
They all seem so serious.
(Mae using a really deep voice)
Hey I'm Mae...
(Rose) Mae lets get out of here we don't belong here.
We are not going anywhere till we find someone for Brian.
Oh for goodness sakes.
Mae.... MAE?
Excuse me.
Smoking and drinking?
I know you mother didn't raise you like this.
Can you please just go away and pretend you don't know me.
Is there a problem here?
He is to young to be drinking this.
She is kidding... I am 21
See I have ID.
And I have a library card that doesn't make me Stephen King
He will have a coke.
That's 5 dollars please.
for a coke?
You people must have a very profitable business here.
Are you single?
Never mind.
Excuse me....
Rose did you find anyone while I was gone?
I swear I don't know how these gay men
meet each other is they don't even crack a smile.
(Rose whispers to Mae)
And why didn't you go before you left?
You were rushing me.
Go then.
Meanwhile I am going to make these men talk to me.
If I can face down those daughters of the confederacy,
I can certainly win over some stuffy homosexuals.
Hey there, I'm Mae Davis.
Oh my but isn't it a lovely evening?
Oh my god!
What do we have here?
What drapes died and made that?
Grandma the sound of music look is sooo over
(makes a tutting sound)
This I wouldn't bury my dead cat in this.
I'm sorry....
I didn't mean to intrude.
Please don't hurt me.
I know karate.
Yes Fantasia
A tiara?
I don't want any trouble.
You don't want any trouble?
But my dear life is trouble and it wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't.
Yes Fantasia?
Does my memory fail me?
I don't remember inviting this "person" into my parlour.
And she certainly does not meet the dress code.
I am so sorry I didn't mean to intrude,
I just thought....
You would pop in and take a look at the freak show?
See how the other half was living?
Take a walk on the wild side?
and then rush back to your bridge club
to tell them some shocking little story.
No.... I am looking for a husband.
You do know what kind of club your in?
(everyone laughs)
Not for me.
It's for my nephew Brian
Oh wow he is cute.
Well you know his last relationship just turned out real bad,
and his mum and I want to find someone nice for him.
Some to make him smile.
Well you know what I mean.
When my mommy found out I was gay
she kicked me out of the house.
Mine did have a few unkind words on the subject.
Rose is it?
I am the Lady Fantasia Extravaganza
And this my protege and BFF, Miss Salsa Roha
I just love your outfit.
Are those chimmy chews?
Good eye.
You know what chimmy chews are?
I have never seen any in real life
but I have read all about them in Glamour Magazine.
You read Glamour Magazine?
From cover to cover.
I practically devour the whole thing the moment it arrives,
all those beautiful clothes
And yet you dress like this?
Oh I couldn't wear anything like that.
I am not like you two,
I am not a model.
Oh I am nobody special.
My dear you don't know how wrong you are.
Ladies, it's glamour time!
(Music playing)
(Music Playing)
You are such a scamp...
I don't believe a word of it but thank you.
Now why don't you tell me how you got...
Rose is that you?
Don't you just love it?
Now this is my new friend Miss Fantasia.
Hello, I am Rose's sister Mae.
Oh the mother of young master Brian,
I am delighted to meet you.
Rose told me all about you little enterprise...
My friends and I would like to offer any assistance we can.
Thank you so much.
Miss Fantasia?
This is Jim and Glenn.
Would you know it there a couple.
Jim is in real estate and Glenn is a paramedic.
I am delighted to make your acquaintance.
I was just telling them about our little husband hunt for Brian.
Oh he's nice.
Yeah pity he is a coke head.
How about that one?
That one?
Passive aggressive.
Crystal fiend.
What about...
Also mine.
What I am popular.
This is harder than it looks.
What was that?
It's called growing attitude.
ahhh he's just young.
Well that is no excuse for bad manners.
(Greg shouts in pain)
What was that all about?
What was what?
That nice man just said hello to you and you just sneered at him.
Because he is like 100 years old
Now honey listen to me...
Being 16 and skinny is no great accomplishment.
That man is a paramedic he saved someone life today.
Now would it kill you to be polite and come over and say hello?
Jim, Glenn this is my neighbours son Gregg.
Hello (sneers)
Are you like a doctor or something?
See was that so hard.
(Mae sighs)
And pull up your pants for god sakes.
Who is going to buy the cow when you give the milk for free.
What does that even mean?
Now where did Rose go?
Did I do it right?
Like an old pro.
Rose we are suppose to be finding a boyfriend for Brian, not....
Looking at his heine...
It's so tight.
I have just never seen a heine that tight.
Oi, it is very nice
I am not saying it is everything...
Ladies can we focus?
Look at his tummy Mae....
I can count each little muscle.
Oh?.... look at the size of that...
Ladies, he is a walking talking anatomy lesson...
I am sure that Brian is looking for a man that...
Oh my...
Oh... Brian isn't looking for a man that...
All right give me a dollar.
Excuse me....
Woohoo Mr Stripper Man?
You single?
Are you single?
Lady I am flattered but I am not even straight.
Yeah it is hard work but it makes you feel like
your making a difference every single day.
Yeah fascinating story.
So you guys going to but me a drink now or what?
Now why would we go and do that?
So I can keep standing here being seen with you of course.
Really I like a guy with a great sense of humour.
This life is just to damn hard if you can't laugh at it.
That is so true.
You know you both totally want me.
(Both start laughing)
Not so much.
Not since you opened your mouth.
So what do you do when you not..... naked?
I go to school.
Law school? Med school?
Art school.
Oh nothing...
It's just me letting go of a dream.
See you know you want it.
Oh I really wish my mom was as cool as you are.
Good can you tell that to my son when you meet him?
And between you and me Chase he is a catch.
Honey I get to go home to that every night....
So you can put away your pop gun.
Here are directions to dinner at 5PM sharp.
And you don't have to...
You don't have to bring anything.
Chase it's not formal dress but...
Oh yeah yeah yeah I will put on pants.
awww come on why not?
Your annoying
A twink
and like total jail bait.
I'm 21... see?
Oh this again... I think this little card has
caused enough trouble for one night.
Hey can I bring my friend Miss Kitty?
She is an elegant woman just like you.
Well of course.
There right there.... Kitty?
Miss Kitty?
Which one is she?
The one with the strong right hook.
Give me that.
I know you mother.
This sucks.
I ..... Language.
Now I hope you two boys can come over for dinner.
It's nothing fancy just good food and good folk.
Now Gregg say goodnight to your new friend,
I am giving you a ride home.
I just got here.
It's 10 PM and it's a school night.
I don't know where you mother thinks you are.
Ugh... women.
I heard that.
Rose , come on...
Can I tell you two something?
You all are the first new friends I have made in 20 years.
Good OK...
(Speaks Spanish)
and then....
Sister sizzle.
I love you
No I love you.
Oh he's cute.
Yeah you should probably stick to university for a little while.
Wow you have been everywhere.
Yeah Artith and I finally had a chance to travel
when Brian was in college.
That one is take in Rome.
And is this Brian?
That is my pride and joy.
Where's your husband?
He passed away a few years back.
I'm sorry.
Oh don't be, he had a good life
and I was lucky enough to share it with him.
(Doorbell Rings)
(Rose) Hey Mae, you want me to get that?
No no I will get it.
Well here we go.
You go and hide in the dining room
because I wanna surprise him.
OK great.
Hey mom.
I am so glad you are here there is
someone I want you to meet.
Oh yeah about that I actually...
Everybody this is my son Brian.
Hi Brian.
This is the Lady Fantasia Extravaganza.
All right...
This is Jim.
And Glenn
I am Gregg.
Remember what we said about the varsity team.
Isn't that the neighbours....?
Yes we are trying to find him some better role models.
And this is Chase
He is going to art school.
That's nice.
This is Miss Salsa Roha.
Who I might add has turned out to be quite the cook.
You will have to try my (Spanish word) sometime.
And now that we are all here
why don't we sit down to dinner?
errrr... you see mom.... the thing is...
Oh now where is kitty?
Knife fight.
Don't ask.
Well does everyone have something to drink.
Mom.... MOM!!
So your mom tells me that your a teacher.
So what does a girl got to do to get a little extra credit?
So what is it that you teach?
AP Literature.
So what is your favourite book?
Errrr... excuse me both you guys but...
Can I ask you something?
Of course dear.
How do you know all these people?
Why you acting like I never get out of the house.
So are you surprised that I have friends you don't know about?
You know that they are all...
Delightful? Yes are they just.
So Chase, why don't you tell Brian
about the painting your working on the one about the rack...
Oh well it is this kind of arigory....
Sorry ERM...
Mom I have some news,
and I mean some really big news.
Well I think I know what it is.
Really how did you find out?
I'm your mother I know everything.
(Doorbell rings)
Now I wonder who that can be?
Maybe it's Kitty.
I'll get it.
Mom wait a....
Well hi you must be Brian's mom.
I'm Jenny Sue.
Errrr.... Yes?
Jenny Camble of Scott's Camble.
This is Jenny Sue, My Fiancee.
(Jenny) It is so nice to finally meet you.
Brian talks about you all the time.
Does he?
My goodness and so many people.
Brian never told me that you were throwing us a party.
Well you know how things slip his mind.
Oh this is Salsa Roha.
Hola, delighted to meet you.
Just because you have a real couchie....
Tourette Syndrome poor dear and
the doctors can't do a thing about it.
I am Miss Fantasia Extravaganza.
It is so nice to finally meet you.
Brian has been talking our ears off about you all evening.
Oh you must be frightfully bored by now.
Oh on the contrary we are dying to hear more..
This is my sister Rose.
It is nice to meet you.
This is Chase, Jim, Glenn and Gregg.
Everybody this is Brian's Fiancee err....
Jenny Sue.
Hiya ya all.
Wait you said Brian was playing on our team.
Yeah well apparently he is cross training.
Would you like some salad?
What don't you all say grace?
Of course dear,
Would you like to do the honours?
Thank you god for another wonderful day,
and the chance to be here with my new friends.
And thank you for all this wonderful food,
and most importantly thank you for bringing Brian to me again.
Oh my this certainly is an interesting dish,
What do you call it?
(Speaks very aggressive Spanish)
Wow what a name!
Mom is everything OK?
Of course dear why do you ask?
I was kind of expecting you to be jumping up
and down with excitement right about now.
You just caught me a little by surprise is all...
Am I not what you were expecting?
Oh no dear I have always wanted a daughter in law.
Oh bless your heart.
You know we should go out next week and have lunch,
we could get together and go shopping and get our hair done.
Oh that sounds like so much fun.
Can I come?
Of course I wouldn't think about leaving out Brian's favourite aunt.
You know mom I was really kind of....
Eat your salad dear.
Jenny Sue, have you and Brian given any thought,
about what your going to name the children?
I am just making conversation.
Oh yeah I have been keeping a list,
because I plan on having a big family with Brian.
Like the bible says be fruitful and multiple.
Jenny Sue, I love you already.
See Brian, I told you we would get along.
Now how about some red win it's a lovely...
Oh no thank you, I never touch the devils alcohol.
Brian how about you?
Oh he doesn't touch it either.
But Brian you have such lovely taste in...
Well Jenny Sue is helping me clean up my act.
That's right no more drinking, no more swearing..
and don't get me started on those practical jokes,
I don't know how you ever put up with that.
How long have you and Brian been seeing each other?
Not long when it is right you just know it.
Where did you two meet?
Oh it was so sweet we met through my daddy.
Really who is your father?
(Salsa Sarcastically) Yeah who is ya daddy?
Minister down at Congrave Baptist.
Really but we are auspicable?
But Brian?
Really great salad mom.
Why thank you is there anything else you need tossed?
Oh the church has a Christian singles night on Thursday...
You all should come down sometime.
I am not sure we would fit in.
Oh nonsense
You would be the belle of the ball.
You know we have also dropped that whole rule
about interracial dating.
How wonderfully progressive of you.
Why thank you.
You boys should come to.
We're a kind of taken.
Oh are ya all married?
Only in Massachusetts.
Jenny Sue...
Have you and Brian given any thought to
the way the children are going to brought up.
Oh yeah they are going to be home school just like I was.
Home schooled?
Well we wouldn't want the exposed,
To all that amoral, secular, humanist, devil worship
in the public school system now would we.
It must be rough on you Brian.
Did they make you sacrifice the goat at the
beginning of class or the end?
My daddy is going to find him a new job.
That hasn't actually been settled yet.
You love those kids you teach.
Yeah and now I am going to have kids of my own.
Well I guess...
So Jenny Sue, Brian keeps telling me about
how much you have in common.
Oh (giggles)
That is so true.
Things like?
Oh well we both just love pecan pie.
Can't get enough of it isn't that nice.
Long walks, Oh and puppies we both just love puppies.
Well that is nice.
(jenny) and Brian is such a good listener.
(Jenny) Sometimes I just go on and on and on,
and talk about the silliest little things for hour after hour after hour,
and he won't even say a word.
So dear whens the wedding?
Well we haven't set a date yet,
but I do like the idea of a June wedding.
So soon?
Are you going to hire a florist or
is Brian going to do the flower arrangements?
I don't know what you mean?
He means do you know that your Fiancee is gay?
Oh god... Oh god... oh mom.
Breath breath... don't try to talk mom...
(jenny) hello my fianc's mother's having a stroke...
Don't talk just breath mom.
Are you OK, Mae?
(jenny) well actually I am not sure...
Oh god doesn't anyone know CPR?
Believe me I don't think she is having a stroke.
I am not having a stroke
(Jenny) never mind false alarm
Are you sure mom?
Let us just check you in as a precaution
Brian please stop it...
Don't worry about me...
What about your Fiancee?
She knows.
She knows???
Yeah she knows.
and I am tickled pink to be able to save Brian from a life of sin and perversion.
Can you pass the butter?
So... great pork chops.
Brian.... I did hear you right?
You did say that you were gay?
Mom if I say yes are you going to have a stroke?
Oh stop it.
But your marrying Jenny Sue.
(jenny) why ain't it grand?
I get a catch of a husband like this?
and I get to save a soul for our lord and saviour Jesus Christ.
He's a twofer.
I thought you would be kind of happy that I am settling down.
Yeah... I guess...
So Chase you help me out here.
I thought that being gay, meant you fall in love with other men.
That's what I thought.
Just checking.
So Brian do you love this girl?
Mom I like her a lot....
and I will love my kids.
Oh and he is going love me Mrs Davis
Don't you worry about that.
Who doesn't love me.
Except for that one weird little boy in Sunday school
I think his name was Curtis.
No matter how nice I was to him
he wouldn't love me back.
Tried flirting?
I even baked that boy peach biscuits
I tell you nothing worked.
(jenny) Oh by the way I wouldn't want to pry
into another woman's secrets but....
Oh pry away.
(Jenny) Well there is something I have dying
to ask you since I laid eye's on you.
Mom she is a sweet girl.
Brian she is practically cotton candy.
She is going to make a great mother.
Well maybe but be practical here,
Have you thought this through?
I mean how is it going to work in the bedroom...
Mom come on...
It's not like I can't be with a woman.
You sure?
Well there was this time in college....
I don't want to know the details.
You tell me this....
Does she make you happy?
I mean laugh out loud, thrilled to be alive,
smiling all the time happy.
Mom I'm 30.
The number of women willing to marry a
If I want to have kids it has to be now and it has to be Jenny.
Your not just doing this because of ....
You know Dennis?
You know about Dennis?
I'm your mother I know everything,
You just don't know what it's like...
I keep going to these clubs and half the
guys are on crystal meth,
and the other half are sneering at me,
because god forbid they actually talk to
someone born before 1980.
It's not that bad.
You wait 5 years and then you come and talk to me.
But Brian...
Mom I don't want to waste the rest of my life chasing,
after someone who cares more about what gym
I go to than what is going on with me
I want someone who cares about me.
It's all I want.
Then be happy for me.
(Jenny sequels) It's so cool...
You sure know a lot about make up.
I have a lot to hide.
Stop it you can't be a day over 30.
Oh your so sweet.
Blind as a bat....
But so sweet.
Hate to eat and run but we really need to get going.
But Brian you have finished your...
Well it was nice to meet ya all.
(Jenny) Mrs Davis, thank you for a lovely evening.
(Mae) It's so nice to meet you to dear.
My parents are dying to meet you.
Can you come over to our house on Friday?
Gee your parents live so far out in the country...
Gee I would love to come.
(Jenny) Yay...
I have a better idea why don't they come over here for dinner?
Oh they couldn't impose.
No please...
They have done so much already
getting the two of you together.
And sometimes I like having the home court advantage.
Mom I am really not sure...
I will not take no for an answer.
How about we say 6?
Well OK then.
It is going to be so much fun having
you in the family.
Look mom I really don't think this is...
I just want you to be happy.
Now you kids go and have fun.
(Gentle music playing in background)
(Mae) Well hello...
Mom you remember Jenny Sue?
(Mae) How could I forget.
It's nice to see again.
We are just as pleased as punch that you invited us over.
These are my parents.
I am John but my friends call me Buddy.
And this is my wife Edna.
Nice to meet you....
(Mae) An absolute pleasure.
Well why don't you all come inside?
Well Mrs Davis you have a lovely home...
Oh I just love it your so adventuresome.
Well now that you are looking after my Brian,
it mean I have found time for so many new interests.
Such as?
Can I offer anyone a drink?
Thank you but we never touch...
The devil's alcohol, I remember now.
Well Brian how about you?
I just learned how to make a Sour Apple Martini
and I am just dying...
To try it.
Mom you know I don't drink alcohol.
Silly me.
Jenny Sue you have certainly had an
influence over my little Brian.
Why thank you.
It is almost like I am getting a whole new son.
You know mom I could really go for a glass of ice tea.
What a nice idea....
Why don't you do and fetch a pitcher for the rest of us?
I can't tell you how happy I am,
that he is marrying a nice girl like Jenny Sue.
My little pumpkin is quite a catch.
Are you OK with Brian being....
The past is the past.
And I always said...
If anyone can turn a queer man straight it is my lttle girl.
You actually went around saying that?
Is everyone getting along?
Of course dear, I was just telling Jenny Sue
how I can't wait to get some grand kids.
and I can't wait to get started on them.
But I will of course wait till after we are married.
I think that might be best.
I'm sorry is this a bad time?
Chase it is never a bad time to see you.
Well I finished the piece would you like to take a look at it?
I can't wait
Chase is such a sweet boy,
he has been helping me out around the house
Well mom you know I would do that if you just asked.
Oh don't be silly.
Chase needs to earn a little money for art school.
Besides I am sure you are much to busy fixing
up your place for Jenny Sue.
We are not going to keep that old place.
We have picked out a new house
for them in our neighbourhood.
Calvary Heights.
It's a gated Christian community.
Very nice, only the right sort of people.
But we really haven't decided yet.
Oh nonsense.
No grandchild of mine is going to be raised...
in that heck hole of a neighbourhood you live in.
Did you know there is a Mormon family,
living just down the block from him?
and the Muslims are moving in.
There is even a rumour of.....
OK are you ready?
What do you think?
Oh my lord...
It's err....
Chase when you said you were doing a portrait....
Isn't that George Bush?
And that's his penis.
It's err.... as near as I could guess.
Isn't it really funny how different people
have different interpretations of art.
I just got it
The emperor has no clothes.
I was wondering if you were going to get
the reference.
You want me to come back tomorrow so I can hang it?
Oh could you do it now I want it right
here over the fireplace.
Now that I have seen it I can't go
another night without looking at it.
You are hanging a picture of a
naked man in your living room?
I don't see what the big deal is daddy?
Well Brian has the shower curtain
covered in little pictures....
I can tell we are going to have some lively art
discussions over family dinners huh.
What is on your shower curtain?
It's a sketch on Michaelangelo...
Who's that?
Probably just Fantasia.
Mae darling it is good to see you.
What a nice surprise.
What an unexpected pleasure.
These are my parents.
This is Edna and Buddy.
Mom this is Fantasia.
She is the one that showed me
this trick with the lipstick
Well you didn't tell me she.... she...
Did I forget to mention that?
What are you doing here?
Yeah what are you doing here?
Picking up Rose we have tickets to see a show.
A girl's night out
that sounds like so much fun
Now you have to tell me each and everything you get...
Now no one likes a girl who talks to much.
Yes mam.
So what are you two ladies going to see?
Oh it's called "Over Night Male"
It's a group of male strippers.
Mom shouldn't we be sitting down to dinner?
Brian, don't be rude to my friend.
Besides that Rose won't be ready for another 20 mins.
Yes mam...
Sorry Fantasia it is good to see you.
Think nothing of it planning a wedding
can be ever so stressful
Err... can I get you something?
Maybe a glass of ice tea?
Actually I am dressed for red wine if you got it.
I have a bottle in the kitchen.
Charmed I am sure.
Hi, Fantasia
Oh and how is our budding young artist tonight?
Nice job with the flesh tones.
But his willy isn't that big.
How would you....?
One of my performing gigs.
I'll tell you all about it at your bachelorette party.
(sequels) I get a party?
Well of course... we can't let you get
married without one last night of fun.
Jenny Sue, we need to have a
little talk about your new friends.
I was thinking we would go for a western theme.
All the guests can wear these little cowgirl outfits.
I am not sure that is really suitable.
Hey sport I am looking for a stud.
.... in the wall.
I know this one performer by the name of "Cowboy Joe"....
Who can do a trick with a 10 galleon hat, where he holds his...
I wish the best for the both of you.
Owww damn it
I think you meant oops,
your going to be hanging out with the holy rollers there,
You might want to stay away from the D word.
Trust me my mom is penticostal.
.... It just hangs there.
Oh thank you.
Aren't you having any Edna?
We never touch the devil's alcohol.
Oh really, you mean Satan is responsible
for this delightful Merlot
He is a cagey one....!
Does you mom know about....
Me oh yeah.
I told her when I was 16.
Wow... do you two ever talk?
Talk no?
shout lots.
Hey at least we are still trying.
It's right there in the bible.
Yes sir, that merlot is practically devil juice.
I must have missed that verse.
Didn't Jesus once turn water into wine?
He must have been very popular at parties.
So what so you think?
Do you want the nice answer or the honest one?
(Brian) Well I have this urge.
(Buddy) It was just a demonstration of his power.
what of Bartending?
Most certainly not.
That's my opinion.
I know it's...
I think it is so cute that you had an art class in college.
Jesus makes wine for his guests
but there not allowed to drink it?
Now you have got it.
I bet no one went back to his parties a second time.
I bet you can actually use the word
"impressionism" in a sentence.
Listen Mr I will have you know...
(Sounds of heated conversation in the background)
That I was...
Err... Jenny Sue and I have decided
that we going to adopt a puppy
We did?
Wow isn't that nice?
As long as it is a big dog I hate those little yappy ones.
Yes Buddy I know exactly what you mean.
I simply can't abide those little purse rats.
I know.... what was Paris Hilton thinking?
Who said that bitch knew anything about fashion?
I don't know, I thought that top she
wore to the emmy's was really cute
That thing with the ruffles you really liked that?
Well not on me,
But maybe with someone with a little more cleavage....
Jenny Sue...
To much talking....
Sorry Momma
So about that dog....
We were thinking maybe a German Shepard
perhaps a....
Hey Rose...
(Rose speaks with a sexy voice)
Hello I'm Rose.
Now there is a woman who knows
how to make an entrance.
Oh you are just to cute for words.
You like it?
I thought the feathers might be a bit to much.
No Jenny sue is right it is adorable.
You know we are having a senior social
at our church this Saturday, you should come.
Thank you so much
But Saturday is when I see my boyfriends.
Did you say.... "Boyfriends"?
No I am sure she meant...
Oh yes every since Rose has discovered on-line dating,
she has been the belle of the ball.
That is so very...
Rose, do you have your dollar bills ready?
Oh aunt rose you certainly have...
That's the word I was looking for.
Chase, would you come over here and
show me that thing with the dollar bill again.
Simple... just fold it length ways...
You are such a flirt.
Oh come on show me those hips.
Oh yes he dances at one of those clubs down town...
You should come and see him sometime.
You mean your hanging out with male strippers?
No just the one.
(Edna stutters)
Oh it is OK to look...
He is very easy on the eye's.
Are you two?
Oh what me and Chase?
Goodness no.
After all he is gay.
Rose and I went to a gay bar,
and we met the nicest group of homosexuals.
Really? well come along next time.
We are going back next Tuesday for karaoke night.
Oh god.
Brian, I thought you had renounced your sinful past?
I didn't mean to make any trouble.
No... of course you didn't.
Just because Brian has given up all his gay friends...
I don't see why I should have to right Jenny Sue?
Well... I think...
I must draw the line at encouraging
that kind of immorality.
It says right there in the bible that homosexuality...
Yes I do recall a pithy little verse on the subject.
Right next to the one that forbids mixing different fibres.
Nice suit by the way Buddy.
Cotton Polyester is it?
That is total irrelevant.
Well if you say so...
Oh but I do think it is very
forward of you to tell me,
who I may entertain in my own home.
Now about that rumarki, I have some in the kitchen.
would anyone like to...?
(doorbell rings)
Oh who is that?
How can I know till I open the door.
(Both women sequels)
It's so good of you to come.
Of course because we always have
drag queens over for Sunday dinner.
Oh them they offered to bake cookies
for the youth group.
Youth group?
I have all this space, I don't see why
I shouldn't put it to good use?
Everybody this is Kitty and Salsa.
Brian would you take there rags?
Of course.
No ice.
Mom what are you doing?
I am being polite and saying hello to my friends.
Oh good lord.
If I had known you were going to be here,
I would have slapped on a fresh coat of paint.
Now be a gentleman and take Miss Salsa's coat
Of course.
Do I take it you know this... person?
I have never seen her before in my life.
I am assuming you know where the kitchen is?
Maybe you and I could cook up
a little something later huh?
Does he still have that cute little mole on his ass?
That looks like fun!!
Mum, can I have a word?
John I demand you...
Oh my lord.
Jenny Sue...
John... John Camble?
Mom, we have to have a word now.
Brian I am busy entertaining our guests.
I am sure whatever it is can wait.
Well it can't.
Brian whatever has gotten into you?
What are you doing?
Whatever do you mean?
Mom I am gay.
So why are you trying to ruin this for me?
because I want you to be happy.
Don't you want me to have kids?
Of course I do.
There are so many things that
I would do to have grand kids...
But seeing you trapped in a
loveless marriage is not one of them.
For the love of god who is that?
Well that would be the youth group.
The youth group?
See Brian there is nothing to
worry about just a gay youth group.
Of course the gay youth group !!!
They needed a safe place to meet,
we can't have them hanging out at bars,
you would not believe the bad habits they pick up.
Oh hey...
Thanks for letting us use your place Mae.
It is no problem,
you can use the den while we are eating.
What's on the agenda for tonight?
We are going to watch a movie about the stonewall...
riots and play some board games.
See Brian, don't you wish we
had this when you were a kid.
I don't even know where to begin.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I promise this will be the last interruption.
Now how about some romarki?
There you go, there you go.
Are you insane?
Your training young boys to be sodomised?
and your expecting us to have Hors d'oeuvre?
Trust me, sodomy is the one thing
they don't need to be taught...
You cannot believe what boys can
figure out for themselves.
Last hint.... DEK pledge class, who is your big brother?
So that is a no on the romarki?
Mom please just stop it.
Well I don't see the problem.
Someone has to look after these boys.
What if one of your kids turns out to be gay?
Mom that is not the point.
That's exactly the point.
When your son tells you he is gay
what are you going to say to him?
Are you going to tell him to be proud of himself?
Go and find a place for himself in this world?
or are you going to tell him to go
and hide in a gated community,
and marry a woman he doesn't love?
and pretend he is something he is not?
Why can't you just let me do this?
because I love you just the way you are.
You stubborn jackass.
If you think this world won't give you
the things that you want,
Love, kids, a family...
Then I am going to have to change the world,
because I will not have it change you.
(Brian starts to cry)
Mom I really loved him.
I know.
God why does this have to be so hard?
because love always is.
It wouldn't be so special if it was easy.
I tell you running away from it isn't the answer.
Mrs Davis...
I must say you throw the liveliest dinner
parties of anyone I have ever known
Get your hand out of that woman's crotch.
Don't you touch me.
Jenny Sue, I have to say you are one hell of a girl.
Why thank you, but I prefer it if you said "heck".
You deserve someone who is
going to make you truly happy.
Sweetheart that is not me.
Look we both deserve way more than this.
Are you saying we are not getting married?
I should certainly say not.
Good god.
I couldn't put up with this family another minute.
Come along Jenny we are leaving.
But I don't wanna go.
Excuse me?
I like Brian, even if he won't marry me.
He is the only person whoever
listened to a word I said.
Jenny listen to me I can't marry you.
I don't care if your gay or a democrat,
or French.
Can't I have you in my life?
Jenny Sue Rosewater Camble
you come right here this instant...
We're going to find you a good Christian husband
if it is the last thing we do.
No daddy...
Do not give us your lip young lady.
We have put up with quite enough from you.
After that incident with that girl from your soccer team.
and the police woman in Makeend.
and that cheerleader from Texas.
and the pizza delivery girl.
You're not only a lesbian...
You're a lesbian slut.
No wonder we get along so well.
If you don't get over here this instant,
You can forget about coming home at all.
Well then I guess this is goodbye momma
and goodbye daddy.
You are all going to hell you know.
Maybe but at least I will be there with my friends.
What did I just do?
I'm pretty sure you just broke up with your parents.
Oh what am I going to do?
Where am I going to live?
Stay here with us as long as you need to.
can't she Mae?
Of course she can.
What am I going to wear I don't have any clothes.
I might have a few things that might fit you.
Well are you ever going to come in for dinner?
That roast will be dry as a bone
if we don't start in on it.
(Music plays)