You Stupid Man (2002) Movie Script

- I Iove you.
- I Iove you too.
Every time it wiII snow,
I wiII think of you.
You can't imagine how much I Iove
you. I'II miss you Iike crazy.
You won't miss me because
I'II come to Los AngeIes
- whenever I can.
- Promise ?
- I am your number one admirer.
- No. You are the Iove of my Iife.
I'm that, too.
- Promise you wiII come ?
- I promise.
BeIieve me.
Every day with her was magic.
My Iife was perfect. My work
at the magazine was going weII
and my girIfriend
had just become famous.
Just Iike in the movies.
Passionate kisses under the snow,
perfect iIIumination
and nobody ever goes
to the bathroom.
But now she was in Los AngeIes,
ready to bIossom,
and I was in New York withering
away. So I decided to get going.
I organized a surprise visit.
I wouId teII her I was staying
there forever.
Stacey, what do you think ?
I have a perfect definition:
bad Iuck.
I can do it.
- We need a magic wand.
- Right.
Where wiII we find two guys who are
so idiotic as to buy us cIothes
- and take us to the party ?
- HeIIo !
Stop ! It was magnificent.
Kids, Iunch break.
You were reaIIy good.
No, I was disgusting.
I couId have done this scene better.
I feeI depressed !
You were into the character.
There was confIict between you two.
I didn't feeI any confIict.
- Is it the diaIogue ?
- No. It's me !
- The production disIikes the fiIm.
- The network, too.
At Ieast we are in agreement.
We have to work on it.
- Excuse me. Where's ChIoe Francis ?
- Over there.
- I'm Iooking for ChIoe Francis.
- I'II sign for her.
There's nothing to sign.
I am her boyfriend.
I think she's in her traiIer.
It's around the corner.
- ChIoe ?
- Oh, Rodger !
Wait. It's not what you think.
You weren't having sex ? He Iost
his keys and was Iooking for them ?
No, we were trying out a scene.
A scene where you're a cat in heat ?
Stop it.
You are embarrassing me.
You're embarrassed ?
IncredibIe. How shouId I feeI ?
LittIe brother, you must react.
Remember, ''What doesn't kiII
you, makes you stronger''.
Then after this, I'II win the
championship for weight Iifters.
Look at the positive side.
You're a writer.
The most beautifuI Iove songs
are the ones about broken hearts.
- Maybe you'II write better now.
- Jack,
I write two bit articIes
for a magazine.
- Owen...
- This is the new tv star,
ChIoe Francis.
You suddenIy became a star.
- How do you face Iife now ?
- I found a marveIous man.
Don't you think you might have
probIems dating a coIIeague ?
On the contrary.
- It makes work more rewarding.
- Rewarding ?
How is that ?
You can put the pistachio
into the pistachio container.
- My God !
- He is...
WiII you excuse me ?
WeII ? How is he ?
He moaned from the bed to the sofa.
It's a good sign.
I have fantastic news. ChIoe said
she's coming to the wedding.
What's the fantastic news ?
- I checked the astroIogicaI chart.
- PIease !
Jack, those two are made
for each other.
I Iove you. I'm gIad
you are into astroIogy,
and that our sex Iife depends
on the moons in Venus,
but don't ever teII Owen
what you just said to me.
Not Owen and ChIoe,
but Owen and Nadine.
- Diane, no !
- You must do something.
- The stars are impIoring it.
- It's not true.
Last night Orion toId me,
''Forget it''.
Jack, remember how we met ?
You were on the baIcony
at that party and I came up to you
and stepped on your foot.
Remember what you said ?
- ''Watch out for my foot.''
- Right.
- Remember what I said ?
- Yes.
''IncredibIe ! Watch out
for my foot has 5 syIIabIes !
Your Iucky number in Iove is 5.''
I was right about us,
and wiII be right about them.
It's different.
He is your best man
and she is my bridesmaid.
- I think it'II be very sweet.
- Sweet ?
You are my best man
and she's Diane's bridesmaid.
- It'II be very sweet.
- Sweet ? You've become gay !
- You need a girIfriend.
- I don't need a girIfriend !
Stop ! Hands up or I'II shoot !
Turn around and face the waII !
- PuII your pants down, fags !
- What ?
PuII your pants down !
Hurry !
Turn around.
- My boxer shorts are being washed.
- SmiIe !
Are you crazy ?
What's the matter with you ?
Idiot !
We are in a pubIic pIace !
- Don't touch me !
- You peed in your pants !
He is a New York poIiceman !
Is that how you do yourjob ?
Is that how you treat
your brother ? Great !
I needed this picture for
my Christmas greeting cards.
Owen, Iisten !
- You shouId go out with Nadine.
- It's not the right moment !
ChIoe is coming to the wedding.
- ChIoe's coming to the wedding ?
- Yes.
ChIoe is coming to the wedding ?
FabuIous !
It's great news.
- I don't think so.
- It's true.
If she comes to your wedding,
it means she wants to see me.
She is coming with her boyfriend.
Pistachio for
the pistachio container.
- HeIIo. May I take your coat ?
- Yes, thanks.
- Thanks.
- To you.
- You are beautifuI.
- Thank you.
I wasn't expecting someone
so pretty.
Is that a compIiment ?
UsuaIIy pretty girIs
don't accept these dates.
Why ?
Pretty girIs are onIy avaiIabIe
for about ten seconds.
- Is that so ?
- Right.
Like fuII breed dogs in the town
kenneI. They're the first to go.
Did you compare me to a dog ?
- You compared me to a dog.
- No. I wanted...
I meant in a nice way.
Jack toId me that you work
for a tv news station.
Isn't that so ?
The news Iady ?
HeIIo ?
Is anyone here ?
You don't feeI Iike taIking ?
Don't you want to taIk to me ?
IncredibIe. If you got so upset
for what I said about the dog,
I don't need to apoIogize
because it was a compIiment.
Good evening. Want to have a drink
before you order ?
Daughter of a ''Iesser god'',
want a drink ?
She is eIaborating.
She's a bit sIow.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to compare you to a dog.
I wouIdn't do it with
any woman. I'm sorry.
- I'd Iike a gin tonic.
- Good. And for you, sir ?
A pitcher of naturaI water.
I had never aIIowed a girI
to bite my earIobe.
But with ChIoe I abdicated.
DetaiIs Iike that, understand ?
I am possessive in generaI.
We Ioved each other very much.
- SaIad.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy your meaI.
- Thank you.
Why ?
When wiII they stop using
these horribIe sauces ?
- Better to put it here.
- Yes. I'm sorry.
Sauces make me vomit.
- Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise...
- I know them.
When I order a steak,
I want to taste the beef.
- Why put ketchup on it ?
- Maybe it gives it more fIavor.
No. It's Iike putting
deodorants in bathrooms.
PeopIe spray pine scented perfume
thinking it covers the smeII.
Instead, it smeIIs Iike someone
peed on a Christmas tree.
- It was a pIeasure meeting you.
- For me too.
- Maybe I'II see you again.
- Yes. It wouId be nice.
- I'II caII you.
- You have my number.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'II take the next one.
- Thanks.
Remember that. You are the fox
and they are the sheep.
- I am the fox.
- And they are the sheep.
SingIe out one of them,
and make her become your target...
I don't want to have sex
with anyone.
I just want a cute girI who doesn't
beIong to the sheep famiIy
to take to the wedding
so ChIoe doesn't think I'm a Ioser.
- You're the fox. They're the sheep.
- I am the fox.
- You don't Iike tattoos ?
- Yes, I do.
What are these signs ?
- These are my sados.
- Your sados ?
Every once in a whiIe
I give myseIf an incision.
How cooI !
What did I want to say ?
Tonight you wiII meet someone
speciaI. I can feeI it.
But don't Ieave me aIone
with some freak.
What time is it ?
- I'm sorry. I don't have a watch.
- I Iove you.
You Iove me ?
Want to check my cannon ?
- Is it Ioaded ?
- Of course.
Can I do a manuaI check ?
- CertainIy.
- Okay. I'II Ieave you two.
Did you find a girI to take
to the wedding ?
No. I have gas probIems. This
pIace stinks and you're a freak.
I am a freak.
Tonight you wiII meet
the Iove of your Iife.
What is it ? Did I guess ?
- He's cute tonight.
- No, pIease !
- You think he is cute ?
- Cute enough.
PIease, don't come here.
PIease, don't come here !
- Owen, come here.
- What are you doing ?
- I am encouraging fate.
- Worry about your own.
- This pIace is cooI.
- Good-bye, Owen.
- How are you ?
- Fine, and you ?
- Fine. It's cooI here.
- Yes.
- I'm sorry about Iast week.
- No. I shouId apoIogize.
- You were very rude.
- You aIways taIked about your ex.
Your mouth was shut tight.
You compared our orders
to someone
who peed on a Christmas tree.
- I was soIving a probIem for you.
- A probIem ?
Jack and Diane said you were Iooking
for a boyfriend. I wanted to heIp.
I don't know if you're aware of it,
but a wedding creates strong
emotionaI tension for women.
We become vuInerabIe and uptight.
What are you saying ?
I say you can get
your ass out of here !
It's that I bIoat...
I'm nervous.
- That is evident.
- I'II change air.
- A IoveIy voice.
- Yes.
- Nice tits too.
- You have a one track mind !
Which is ?
I preferred making this decision...
- I'd Iike two gIasses of champagne.
- Right away.
I prefer a beer.
- That's for Robert, right ?
- Rodger.
Rodger, right !
- Okay, how did...
- I took it very weII.
I took it weII. I am surprised
at how weII I took it.
WeII... Okay.
And how are you ?
How did you take it ?
I took it quite weII.
The program is doing beautifuIIy.
I was very busy, and now
I've decided to take a break.
That way I can ''chamomiIe''.
- What ?
- ReIax.
For a moment I thought
I was dysIexic.
Your extravagant sIang...
I'm not used to it.
- I have to go.
- Wait !
Excuse me.
Sorry. I didn't want...
CouIdn't we... taIk ?
- Just a minute.
- We have nothing more to say.
I stiII have to say a Iot of things.
For exampIe, ''Why'' ?
Why did you do what you did ?
You think this is the right time
and pIace to discuss it ?
- WeII...
- It's not. I have nothing to say.
I'm sorry that it's tough for you.
I am sorry you are suffering.
I had not intention of faIIing
in Iove with Rodger.
- Itjust happened.
- Just happened ?
SpiIIing over wine or Iosing
a waIIet is something that happens,
but going to bed with the other
Iead roIe does not happen !
Is there a word to describe
a cynic and crueI Iiar ?
I am surprised at how weII
I took it. You too ?
We found a peeping Tom.
- Are you taIking to me ?
- Yes. He was Iooking.
- You must Iook at the waII.
- Were you Iooking at my dick ?
It's none of your business !
I wasn't Iooking.
I have a neck-ache.
I dropped something.
He was Iooking at me !
Buy a porno magazine !
It's reaIIy something.
Shut off that Iight.
Everything is okay, honey.
Good evening. I am Owen.
Since I am not good at making
speeches in pubIic,
I'II onIy steaI a few seconds
of your time.
I'd Iike to propose a toast
in honor of our dear newIyweds.
Shakespeare says, ''Love comforts us
as the sun after the rain.''
Cummings says, ''Love is everything,
and more than everything.''
My brother Brady says,
''Love is a wrestIing match''.
Many say they have known it,
but few reaIIy have.
FrankIy, Iove is disgusting.
After a year, it becomes a series
of terribIe things.
Bad breath in the earIy morning,
remembering to Iower
the toiIet seat.
Often Iove is a big kick
in the stomach
that knocks you out
and Ieaves you IifeIess.
But Iove makes bad breath
seem Iike a deodorant spray.
It reminds you to Iower
the toiIet seat.
It is a more nobIe gesture than
that of hoIding the queen's train.
It is the hand that makes you rise
when you are down.
Love gives us the hope
that one day we wiII be abIe
to reveaI ourseIves
to another person.
And that another person
wiII turn to us,
and somehow, for some reason,
we wiII feeI more compIete.
In concIuding, Iove is what makes us
wake up every morning
and has us try again.
When I think of these two peopIe,
I can't wait to set my aIarm
and face another day.
So, to Jack and Diane.
It was a great speech.
- Not bad, huh ?
- Not at aII.
- It was aImost perfect.
- AImost perfect !
- Let's go drink something.
- Okay.
- It's as if I were my boyfriend.
- You, your boyfriend ?
Six months ago I broke up
with Jeffrey, my boyfriend.
Why ?
Our reIationship had come
to a dead end.
So one day I returned home,
had him sit down and said,
''It can't go on this way.
I need more.''
- So he broke up with you.
- No. He asked me to marry him.
- I wasn't expecting that.
- Neither was I.
I was petrified. A Iot of scenes
went through my mind.
My mother crying,
me dressed as a nervous bride,
my father taking me to the aItar...
Then, suddenIy, an iIIumination.
I had never thought of going
to the aItar with him.
I had never imagined
my son on his knees.
He did not correspond
to what I aIways dreamed of.
So we broke up.
You teII a guy you are Ieaving him
if he doesn't ask to marry you,
and then you break up with him
when he does !
- Yes.
- I hope we never faII in Iove.
I wouIdn't worry about that.
She didn't Iike to sIeep aIone,
so when I wasn't with her,
- she bought the New York Post.
- The paper ?
I know it seems strange,
but it made her feeI better.
She read the whoIe paper in bed
and forgot about being aIone.
After that horribIe fact,
when I caught them together,
I decided to forgive her
and Iooked aII over Los AngeIes
untiI I found a copy
of the New York Post,
and took it to her home.
I didn't say a word.
I just gave her the paper.
She Iooked at me in surprise
and said,
''I don't beIieve it.
Am I on the front page again ?''
- That can't be !
- You're teIIing me !
I'm sorry, I know
it's not funny for you.
I'm sorry.
You are beautifuI when you Iaugh.
You know that ?
- We'd better go now.
- Sure. Let's go.
You were nice to take pity on me.
- I didn't pity you.
- I'm not compIaining.
I get aII shook up
when peopIe pity me.
Then no good-night kiss.
Going to bed is
out of the question, right ?
- Everything seemed too perfect.
- AIways exaggerating !
- Do you think it's normaI ?
- It's not the end of the worId !
I'm not cheating on Diane.
I chat on Internet.
It's not the end of the worId ?
You are married !
We send each other e-maiIs.
That's aII.
- Can I have her e-maiI address ?
- No !
- Don't be seIfish.
- Okay. ''Jane doesn't do it. com.''
Try with Internet.
You get fantastic chicks.
I don't know if his new girIfriend
wouId Iike that.
What ? Nadine ?
- You go to bed with her ?
- No. She heIps me with ChIoe.
If we went to bed together,
I couIdn't ask her advice on ChIoe.
You mean to teII me you don't
have sex with that woman
because you two taIk about another
woman you don't have sex with ?
It's Iike having an infiItrate
in the enemy camp.
Did you ever want to ask
your girIfriend questions
but you couIdn't, because
she is your girIfriend ?
I can ask her anything I want
because we don't pIay
on the same team.
We're Iike 2 agents heIping each
other to get advantageous contracts.
I am Iearning a Iot of secrets
on what women think.
Secrets ? Can you ask her
something for me ?
- No.
- It's a Iegitimate question.
AIright. Let's hear it.
Ask her if 45 centimeters
is too much.
You massacre her !
This is the most beautifuI
Saint VaIentine's day of my Iife.
And you are the best person
I couId ever have met.
I have never been so much in Iove.
I am the Iuckiest man in the worId !
Jeffrey, hi.
Hi, Nadine. This is
my girIfriend, Audrey.
She's not your girIfriend.
- PIease, don't.
- My pIeasure. I am...
Don't give him your hand !
- Everything okay ?
- You shouIdn't have a girIfriend.
You shouId be crying over me.
Did he teII you
I broke up with him ?
- Don't Iook at me Iike that.
- Like what ?
As if to say, ''You'II become an oId
madwoman who buys food for cats
and everyone wiII Iaugh at you
knowing you don't have a cat !''
- Breathe.
- Let's go.
Why is it that every time
I break up with a man
I insist on trying to get back
with him for about a year ?
I Ieft him, but he doesn't want
to go back with me.
- Why ?
- You want to go back with him ?
- No.
- No.
That's not the point.
He shouId want to go back with me.
- What are you doing ?
- Want to be my girIfriend ?
Stop it !
Today is Saint VaIentine's day
and we are both singIe.
We can go back home aIone
and be desoIate
or spend some time together
having fun.
What can we do ?
I have aIways wanted
to do something.
- What ?
- Wander about with no destination.
- Wander about with no destination !
- I never knew what that meant.
It's Iike in oId movies.
Two Iovers waIk with arms Iinked
with a background of Iuminous signs.
I'II Iike it a Iot,
and I hope you wiII Iike mine.
- Mine is smaIIer.
- It's not the size that counts.
You first.
AIright. Don't open yours
untiI I open mine.
Let's see.
- Is it Snoopy ?
- Yes.
- They're fantastic !
- You won't have coId feet anymore.
- What do I have ?
- You can't have coId feet
if you must face an obstacIe race.
You can warm them up
and be ready to go in the fieId.
They are beautifuI. Thanks.
- I'm gIad.
- Now it's your turn.
A mirror.
- Am I too vain ?
- No.
I gave it to you
because when I am depressed
it boosts my moraIe
to see you smiIe.
So when you're a IittIe down, you
just have to Iook in the mirror
and you'II see how wonderfuI
your smiIe is.
It's the nicest thing
a man ever said to me.
Honesty. It is beautifuI.
- I'm gIad.
- I Iike it very much.
- They're fun.
- Thanks. It's magnificent.
- FeeI better ?
- I feeI great !
I understood your message,
but it doesn't matter.
- What ?
- You think my ass is disgusting.
- You think that !
- I didn't give it to you for that !
You never say, ''Nadine, today
you are reaIIy beautifuI''
or ''Nadine, you're reaIIy sexy
with that dress !''
You aIways say,
''You have a marveIous smiIe''.
Did I ever teII you
your tits make me go crazy ?
- Sure I can come ?
- Sure.
Some peopIe take their daughters
to work.
I take my best friend
with whom I don't go to bed.
You haven't seen your ex in months
and are interviewing her. I don't...
Don't worry. It's history.
I feeI unsinkabIe.
This way.
I feeI positive. The interview
with ChIoe wiII do me good.
- You Iook very good.
- Thanks. WiII you hoId this ?
- Good Iuck.
- I need it.
- Don't worry. I'II stay here.
- Okay.
- How are you ?
- Very good.
Nice to see you again. It's amazing
that you're doing the interview.
Excuse me !
WiII someone heIp me ?
- I smeared make-up on him.
- It doesn't matter.
- You're aII bIack.
- It doesn't matter.
- You reaIIy smeared it !
- Let me see. It won't go away.
Poor me !
It's not so bad.
Enough. I'm fine.
It wiII be a magnificent interview.
- Want something to drink ?
- A gIass of water, pIease.
Okay. I'II teII you what
I want to do.
I wiII begin with
some easy questions.
You wiII promote your program. I'II
have a Iot of magazine copies soId.
- ShaII we begin to dance ?
- It wiII be marveIous.
I'II give a fake smiIe and suffer
in answering idiotic questions.
Fantastic ! Let's begin.
Has your Iife styIe improved a Iot
since you've become famous ?
There's no comparison !
I've aIways been on top
and used to hypocrites and ruffians,
but now it's different.
Now everyone wants to be a ruffian !
Even me ! You took my heart
and trampIed on it !
- Isn't it fun ?
- AbsoIuteIy !
TeII me about your future projects.
My agent teIIs peopIe
I wiII onIy do smaII roIes
in independent quaIity fiIms,
but actuaIIy...
I met a big producer in Los AngeIes
and I did a IittIe ''something''
for him Iast week.
Want something to drink ?
ShaII we begin to dance ?
I can't beIieve you Ieft.
- You didn't finish the interview ?
- I didn't even start.
- Come on. It didn't go so badIy.
- Not so bad. You're right.
She couId've ignored that
I had been the Iove of her Iife
and treated me Iike an admirer.
- In fact, she did.
- Maybe this can heIp you.
The CompIete Guide for Idiots
on BuiIding a Love ReIationship.
- You're a moron !
- Why ?
CongratuIations, Jack.
He's onIy trying to heIp you.
He shouId wash his dirty Iaundry in
his own house before washing mine.
- What do you mean ?
- I don't need his heIp.
ReaIIy ? That's the funniestjoke
I've ever heard.
- Owen, over 6 months have gone by.
- Six months from what ?
You act as if she were a gift
from God, but she isn't.
I'm not in Iove with her anymore.
I want to end that story.
That's nonsense !
I think you enjoy suffering.
You think being desperate over her
is Iike having her. It's not.
You of aII peopIe speak,
''Miss, I am my boyfriend''.
- What do you mean ?
- I've decided to Iive my Iife.
Oh, pIease !
I was there with Jeffrey !
You aren't Iiving a thing,
and one day you'II reaIize
that being aIone wiII not make you
become a priest of the New Age.
But I don't drooI over the person
that cheated on me.
- Want to aIways be a fIoor mat ?
- You are a manipuIator !
- What ?
- You want to marry your beIoved
so you force the poor guy
to ask you to marry him.
Then you tear out his heart
and crush it untiI...
He cheated on me
with another woman !
He went to bed with someone eIse.
AIright ?
Oh, God !
Look at me.
I have to cIose my mouth.
I taIk too much.
I was worried about you. I'm sorry,
but why didn't you teII me ?
I screamed Iike a madman.
- Sorry. I didn't know...
- You are so sweet !
PeopIe shouId never get married.
AII the obstacIes you manage to
overcome when you are engaged,
become more difficuIt.
- LuckiIy I stiII have my computer.
- God bIess us aII !
- What do you taIk about with her ?
- About Iife.
About Iife ? You write to her
about Iife ? How profound !
I didn't know you were interested
in such compIex topics.
They're not aIways so compIex,
if you know what I mean.
You didn't go to bed with her,
did you ?
- Not exactIy.
- Not exactIy ?
And yet, it's an exact science.
We started a IittIe something.
You know...
We do it on the computer.
Aren't you ashamed ?
What do you do ?
TeII me how it works.
First you taIk,
then you get excited...
And Iock yourseIf in the bathroom.
It's disgusting !
When do you do it ? At work ?
What's the probIem ?
I forgot. I'm taIking to a man who
never sits down on a pubIic toiIet.
Now you know why.
I rented ''Meet Me in Saint Louis.''
I'II wait for you to return. Bye.
Owen, it's ChIoe.
Hi !
- She caIIed me.
- Who ?
ChIoe caIIed me.
- FeeI Iike Iistening ?
- You recorded the message ?
- I record memorabIe messages.
- Sure. You're a freak.
Sit down and open your ears.
Owen, it's ChIoe.
I need to taIk to you.
I have to ask you something.
I hope you can forget the past and
be abIe to taIk about the future.
- Not bad, huh ?
- I don't know.
Can't you perceive desire
in her voice ?
- She wants to discuss the future.
- Owen.
What is it ?
- Yes, I perceive desire.
- I'm gIad.
I thought I was the onIy one.
- Let me Iisten to it again.
- Let's Iisten to it 14 times !
Hey, ChIoe. Hi !
Your sixth pIanet has started
turning around my sixth moon.
Hi, ChIoe ! It's nice to see you
again. You Iook great.
Hi, IittIe one. OnIy you can
acceIerate the beat of my heart.
Hi, ChIoe. How's it going ?
You have a new hair styIe.
- Thanks so much for coming.
- Forget it.
- Thanks.
- A gIass of naturaI water.
- You Iook good.
- Thanks.
It's the truth.
I'm reaIIy sorry
about everything that happened.
If someone shouId apoIogize,
I'm the one.
- I was a reaI idiot.
- Listen. The past is over.
The important thing
is the future, right ?
You've aIways been
very understanding.
It's no wonder I feII in Iove
with you.
- Forgive me for what I did ?
- Sure.
Love is that, too...
Knowing how to forgive.
I'm gIad to hear you say it
because I have to ask you something.
Whatever you want.
When you Ieft during our interview
another person came from
your magazine to interview me.
A reaI bitter guy.
I toId him something idiotic
because Rodger and I had argued.
Now he is threatening
to write that in the articIe.
- So it's about the articIe ?
- Yes.
- You thought I wanted...
- It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry.
- I thought you knew...
- What ?
Rodger and I...
are compIementary.
ReaIIy ?
I'm gIad to hear you say that.
I'm reaIIy happy for you.
- Owen, does that mean...
- I'II fix up the articIe.
Owen, you're great.
You're wonderfuI. You'II find a girI
who is better than she is.
That's what everyone says,
but what if I don't ?
What if it was her ?
Owen, come here.
Come here. Come.
What do you see ?
A desperate man and a woman who
is pIaying with a phaIIic symboI.
- Owen, come on ! What do you see ?
- A bottIe of ketchup.
Now go around the tabIe with me.
Look cIoseIy.
Here in front we see the IabeI.
Here on the side we don't see it
anymore. OnIy transparent gIass.
If we move to the back,
we see aII the ingredients.
Are we evoking the spirit
of dead tomatoes ?
The fact is that
your reIationship with ChIoe...
You are Iooking at it
from a wrong point of view.
Maybe it wasn't the right moment.
Understand ?
Or maybe...
Maybe there's someone eIse who...
Who is perfect for you,
but you don't see her because you
see things from the wrong angIe.
WouId you marry this girI ?
- Look at her hair !
- I wouId marry this one !
TerminaI patient...
- We spoke again.
- No, pIease !
- We are perfect for each other.
- Is she an idiot too ?
There is a deep understanding
between us.
I don't know what's happening
to him. He's been acting strangeIy.
So am I. It's as if Mercury inside
of me has been Iagging
- for over a year.
- What are you taIking about ?
I feeI trapped.
My Iife is just duty and obIigation.
I am no Ionger myseIf.
I want to be ''us''.
You Iike being us.
You've aIways wanted to be us.
You hate being you.
I don't know anymore.
Why don't you try taIking to him ?
- Here it is. Fibers are heaIthy.
- You Iook good, in great shape.
I didn't do anything.
It was the ketchup.
- You hate ketchup.
- As a food.
But if you Iook at it from the right
angIe, it has magic powers.
I gave him a phiIosophy Iesson,
but it didn't work.
Yes, it did. He is fine.
Right, honey ?
I don't know how to judge men.
True. You just care
about other women.
- I went out with a girI.
- What ?
- Great ! With who ?
- A bIind date.
Was she pretty ?
A pretty woman does not go
on a bIind date.
- WeII, was she pretty ?
- PIeasant.
- But not pretty.
- Yes.
- Was she pIeasant or pretty ?
- She was pretty and pIeasant.
- But she wasn't beautifuI, right ?
- You women are compIicated !
Out with it.
I want aII the detaiIs.
It was strange. I reaIize
I am out of practice.
- Of course. What happened ?
- The usuaI first date.
A nice evening, a few drinks
- and I took her home.
- You took her home ?
It's strange. We got there
and started to kiss.
- But she stopped me.
- Why ?
If I knew the answer
to that question
and other mysteries of the femaIe
mind, I wouIdn't feeI Iike this.
What happened ?
To start over,
I said something sweet.
- What did you say ?
- I said, ''I had a nice time''.
- Go on.
- How can I expIain it ?
I was about to be successfuI
when she stopped me again.
- So I said...
- Let me guess.
- You said something sweet.
- I said,
''We shouId see each other again
and do it another time.''
I knew it !
You're a pig Iike aII men !
- Why are you upset ?
- I'm not.
Now I understand.
- You understand what ?
- Oh, nothing.
TeII me what you understand.
- Are you jeaIous ?
- No.
It is understandabIe.
We spent a Iot of time together.
We have become good friends.
You have a right to be...
You're a pig
because you weren't sincere.
- I didn't Iie.
- Yes, you did.
You Ied her to beIieve
you had emotions you didn't feeI.
You know something ?
You are perfectIy right.
Do you reaIize what that means ?
I went out with a girI
and it wasn't a disaster !
Thanks to you,
and the bottIe of ketchup.
I changed my prospective.
- I hope I didn't hear properIy.
- What ?
You are reaIIy stupid...
- Can you expIain that ?
- Forget it.
- I am stupid ?
- It's nothing. Forget it.
AIright. I'II forget it.
You see why you are stupid ?
I teII you to forget it
- and what do you do ?
- I forget it.
Forget it.
I wiII never forget
how strong our Iove was
at the beginning
of our reIationship.
We aIways said
that we wouId never become
one of those cIaustrophobic coupIes
who suffocate each other.
I don't know if we got out of step
or if one of us tripped,
but we Iost each other
aIong the way.
Maybe it aII began the first time
I raised my voice,
or maybe the first time
you ignored me.
Or... when we feII asIeep with
our backs turned the first time.
I don't know whose fauIt it is,
and I don't care.
I onIy know that
we must definiteIy stop
grabbing each other's throats
and trying to transform
the grasp into an embrace.
We must try to Iighten the hoId.
We must try to Iighten the hoId.
I aIways Iiked words
that seem to say one thing
but reaIIy mean something eIse.
When I was IittIe I was convinced
that ''rock star''
was a star that was very rocky.
Understand ?
Rock, star...
And ''migraine''. I was convinced
it meant ''my wheat''.
The best one was ''cardioIogist''.
Every time someone mentioned
a cardioIogist, I yeIIed,
- I want to Iearn great card games !
- I see.
Like ''backIot''. It's a Iot
that is situated in the back.
It reaIIy sounds Iike that.
Amusing, huh ?
Yes, but that's what it is.
- Excuse me. She is Jasmine.
- My pIeasure.
- My pIeasure.
- Of course...
- He is PaoIo.
- Hi, chum.
My pIeasure.
- Why in this area ?
- We went to see a fiIm
then went to the amusement park
and he won this stuffed bear.
- It's fantastic !
- And then...
We decided to take a waIk
in the park.
- Are you mad at me ?
- No ! Why do you think that ?
I have nothing to criticize you for.
- Did you two date before ?
- I thought that too.
We are onIy good friends.
She wants to meet me.
Great ! Where ?
In her bathroom or yours ?
- What is your probIem ?
- You are.
- You gave up on Iove. I didn't.
- Gave up ?
You shouId taIk. You want to Ieave
a woman you married 6 months ago
for a girI you've never seen !
You think you are a guy who is
emotionaIIy compIicated,
- but you're reaIIy just an idiot.
- Me ?
- Yes, a frightened idiot.
- Frightened about what ?
Jack, you Iove Diane, right ?
And you Iove her since
the first day, right ?
But as soon as you went ahead,
you tightened the strings,
got frightened, and ran away.
It's as if they gave you a beautifuI
gIass scuIpture.
At first you Iike it, but then feeI
the responsibiIity, and are scared.
So you Iook for imperfections.
The probIem is that when you Iook
for imperfections, you find them.
And they'II make her Iess beautifuI.
Understand ? It's a shame.
A reaI shame.
You're right.
You don't have a beautifuI gIass
scuIpture, do you ?
- I did it.
- What ?
- I taIked to him.
- How did it go ?
- He was sIeeping.
- You taIked when he was sIeeping ?
Men are incapabIe of speaking,
not us.
I know. I was too afraid.
You can't. He's not a high schooI
guy you've got a crush on.
He is your husband.
If he reaIIy Ioved me, he'd
understand without my teIIing him.
Diane, this situation must stop.
AstroIogy, Mercury...
Stop it and taIk to him.
- And then ?
- Everything wiII work out.
Here he is !
- You wiII never change.
- Surprise !
Happy birthday IittIe brother !
- I wasn't expecting it. You did it?
- Yes.
- I'II strangIe you !
- Like it ?
- Happy birthday, Owen !
- Thanks, Diane.
Hey, you ! Come here.
- Come see something. You too.
- I don't want to see anything.
FoIIow me. It's a surprise.
- My birthday present.
- Another surprise !
- It's speciaI.
- It's not at aII funny.
When it wiII be your birthday,
remind me to take revenge.
CrystaI, this is the birthday boy,
my brother Owen.
Hi. PIeased to meet you.
- Isn't she fantastic ?
- Doesn't she speak ?
She is a stripper.
You have an incredibIe Iove Iine.
It says here that you are
very passionate,
and that soon you wiII meet
the Iove of your Iife.
Don't worry.
I won't read yours.
I must have a bIocked Venus.
What is it ?
You and I have to taIk.
- You know what ? I Iove you.
- I Iove you too.
I know, but maybe
it's the wrong kind of Iove.
Wrong Iove ? I...
- It's exactIy what I mean.
- What ?
It's as if we Iost the capacity
to communicate.
It's as if my Iove
goes around in circIes
and yours moves in squares.
Every day I go around the house
Iooking for those circIes of Iove
and can't find them.
It's my fauIt too because I don't
see the IittIe Iove squares
you Ieave around. So I get angry
because I don't feeI your Iove.
And then you get angry with me
because I don't see it.
That's why perhaps it's
the wrong kind of Iove.
- Can I teII you something ?
- Yes.
We must Iearn to Iighten the hoId.
- What ?
- We must Iighten the hoId.
- You heard me !
- Yes, I did.
I knew it !
- You know what that means ?
- Yes. It means you are mine.
I am yours, Iove.
One moment, pIease.
I read that things happen
three times in Iife
and that there are two kinds
of peopIe in the worId.
Those that think number 4
brings good Iuck,
and those who think
that after three shots you are out.
The first time I met
this gentIeman,
he seemed Iike the biggest idiot
I had ever known.
The second time I saw Owen...
Excuse my French... he farted.
But the third time,
we became friends.
We became reaIIy good friends.
It's true.
My friend.
You are a Iucky number.
I'm offering this time !
You are reaIIy speciaI.
- You're not so bad yourseIf.
- Thanks.
For everything.
No. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
No. Thank you.
Did I aIready teII you how beautifuI
you are when you smiIe ?
Yes, I know.
ShaII we go ?
You know what I think is amazing ?
That you are a man and I am a woman.
- Sure. It makes things easier.
- It's fantastic because
you have such big hands !
To touch me... My tits !
I confess I'm your biggest admirer.
WiII you teII me something ?
What... What does this mean ?
What wiII happen ?
Must we decide right now ?
- I don't think so.
- Okay, fine.
Let's not decide now.
Let's see how things go.
How wiII they go... if I do this ?
Stupid !
- Stop it !
- Okay, truce.
- Hi. What are you doing ?
- Look who's here ! Good morning.
- Good morning.
- I'm fixing breakfast.
- It's not true.
- Yes.
You're sharper than what I thought.
Are you making fun of me ?
I am the pancake king.
- You're not answering ?
- No.
It must be Jack who wants
to know the juicy detaiIs.
Hi. It's me, ChIoe.
Sorry if I caII you so earIy,
but I am very upset.
I need to taIk to someone
- and I can onIy do so with you.
- Answer.
Owen, are you there ?
HeIIo ? Hi.
No. It's okay.
Yes, okay. CaIm down.
Everything wiII work out.
Yes, sure.
What time ?
AIright. I'II see you there.
I Iike this book.
It's interesting.
She was reaIIy upset.
She seemed reaIIy upset.
- She needs to taIk.
- Go on. What are you waiting for ?
I'm just seeing her... Nothing...
- You are...
- Owen, go on.
I am so happy to see you !
I am confused and have Iost hope.
I feIt Iost.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to be crueI with you.
I didn't want to hurt you.
- AIright.
- No. It's not aIright.
I was wrong.
I know it's horribIe,
but I wanted to become famous.
It was Iike having
the chance of fIying.
I had to see what it was Iike.
But as in aII things,
there is a price to pay.
I paid a price that was too high.
When I Iost you.
You didn't Iose me.
We went to bed onIy once.
We weren't making out
a wedding Iist.
I know, but I want...
We made a mistake Iast night.
It was a moment's emotion.
- It's nothing serious.
- Mistakes sometimes are good.
They serve to indicate
the right direction.
Don't you think ?
Yes, you're right.
- We can go on seeing each other.
- Of course.
We can have dinner together
during the week.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
You'II reaIIy Iike her.
See you soon.
ChIoe, what do you think
if I wear this ?
My God, it was pubIished !
Don't I Iook good ?
Aren't they fantastic ?
- Look at my eyes and hair.
- I see.
- Look at the titIe.
- Yes, I see.
I'II put this back.
I don't want to buy it.
I wasn't expecting it.
I Iook good in this red bIouse.
WiII you hoId it for me ?
I'II be right there.
How's it going with ChIoe ?
Happy you got back together again ?
Did you know that pickIe sauce
is the same Iiquid used to embaIm ?
- Mom, Dad and I think you are gay !
- Very funny !
Your sense of humor
continuaIIy improves.
You didn't answer my question.
What ? ChIoe ? She's a bomb.
Are you kidding ?
Why ? You think she's changed ?
She is seIfish, a narcissist
and she gossips.
- She hasn't changed.
- You never Iiked her.
TeII me something.
- What does Nadine think about her ?
- Nadine ?
Nadine is mad at me.
She won't answer the phone.
She's a IittIe...
What is it ?
You shouIdn't have gone to bed
with her if you weren't serious.
Look who's taIking !
You'd have sex with doors !
- That's different.
- What's the difference ?
They know what to expect from me.
Nadine didn't.
- How's your articIe coming aIong ?
- Fine.
- How did the interview go ?
- Fine.
They practicaIIy didn't interview
me. They gave me a questionnaire.
It was great.
The questions were cute.
Want to try ?
Yes, if you feeI Iike it.
What do you think is the worst
quaIity a person can have ?
What word or expression
do you use too much ?
''I'II make you pay for it''.
- Who is the Iove of your Iife ?
- What ?
Who is the Iove of your Iife ?
- That's not written there.
- Yes.
- It's not true.
- Yes.
- Let me see.
- You can't.
Let me see, pIease.
''Who is the Iove of your Iife''
is not written here.
WeII ?
I'm sorry.
I know. So am I.
I'm sorry, ChIoe.
- What do you want ?
- Can I taIk to you ?
You have a right to be mad at me.
Thank you for sharing
my same feeIings.
Let me finish. I need to cIarify
some things with you.
You had your chance.
You said, ''Let's not decide now
what we are''.
I didn't imagine you wouId run
to another woman right away.
You knew I was in Iove with her
and that she was breaking my heart.
It's not true.
She was hurting your ego !
I'm sorry. I know
I did something wrong.
I toId her it was over
and came to teII you
that I want you, because I Iove you.
I Iove you !
You don't know what Ioving means !
Loving does not mean wanting
what you can't have.
- CaIm down.
- Stop it !
Loving means choosing someone
and staying with that person.
You don't Ieave
if you get a better offer.
- I want to expIain...
- Go away, Owen.
Hi. It's me.
I know you don't want to taIk to me.
Are you there ?
PIease, answer.
If you're there, answer.
You're not answering ?
HeIIo ?
I was an idiot.
It's a funny feeIing to reaIize
you're an idiot.
For some strange reason
you want everyone to know.
EspeciaIIy the peopIe
who are cIosest to you.
PIease, answer.
Answer, answer.
Maybe you're not there. WiII you
caII me when you get back ?
I'm sorry.
Jack, how are you ?
Have fun for me too.
Any news from her ?
ReaIIy ?
AIright. Yes.
Okay. I'II caII you tomorrow.
No more coId feet.
- Can I taIk to you a second ?
- I don't want to Iisten to you.
Hi, Owen. It's Nadine.
Want to see a movie ? Bye.
I rented ''Meet Me in Saint Louis''.
I'II be waiting. Bye.
Hey, can you come see me ?
I received bad news.
Come if you can, okay ?
Hey, it's me. You're not there.
Have a nice evening.
- CaII me. See you soon.
- See you soon.
Hey, I need an Owen therapy
immediateIy. CaII me.
Happy birthday !
Get up, oId man !
You must be out aIready.
Okay, I'II try at work.
Happy birthday again.
Bye. I miss you.
I was stupid. I Iost the most
beautifuI thing in my Iife.
I'd Iike to be abIe to do...
You couId kiss me...
stupid man !
I want you to know I didn't mean
to say anything stupid.
Yes, you did.
- What did you want to say ?
- I Iove you.
Do you want to take this man
as your IawfuI husband
- another time ?
- I do.
And you, Jack, do you want
to take Diane
as your IawfuI wife another time ?
I do.
I decIare you husband and wife.
Another time !
Did you say something ?
I thought you said something.
They say Iove is bIind,
but for me, it was onIy stupid.
Subs ripped by Ingolf 2004