You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown (1972) Movie Script

You're elected, Charlie Brown
You're the biggest head in town
Tell me, how do you like it now?
I'm never going to school again.
I've had it.
What's the matter, Sally?
Why are you upset?
Is your teacher giving you trouble again?
No, nothing's wrong with my teacher.
She's a very nice person.
Is it one of the classes?
No. The classes are okay.
Are you having trouble with math?
Don't you understand fractions
and decimals?
No, I don't find it hard.
In fact, I even got a hundred
in my test yesterday.
Are you having any trouble
with the kids on the playground?
No, no, no. That's all right.
Well, then, what's the trouble?
I can't get my stupid locker open.
Sally, it's time to get up
and go to school.
I told you
I wasn't going to go to school again.
Come on, I'll help you with the locker.
Well, okay.
But there's something else
you can help me with today.
If I go to school,
will you promise to help me?
Of course, of course. Now get up.
What are you going to have for breakfast?
Maybe I'll have a piece of toast.
I'm never very hungry in the morning.
You can't go to school
without a rousing breakfast.
It's a known fact that--
that all of our country's presidents
started each day with a rousing breakfast.
I don't know how they managed
to get together every morning,
but I guess that's one of those things
about government I don't understand.
Come on, Sally. Let's go to school.
Okay, Sally. About your locker,
do you know the combination?
Of course I know the combination.
It's 20-13-48.
You go to 20, then past zero to 13,
then back past zero again to 48.
I've been looking at that sign every day,
and I finally figured out what it means.
It means that the bus holds 50 kids.
Each kid has two feet, right?
100 feet means the bus holds 50 kids.
You gotta remember
that sometimes you have to tap the lock
on the bottom to make it open.
Some of these locks are kind of touchy.
You have to make sure
that you dial the numbers just right.
I had one once that I had to hit
on the bottom before it would open.
Mine won't open because I can't reach it.
That's why.
Forget that stupid locker.
I've got something more important
that I need your help with right now.
Miss Othmar, I volunteer to be first.
For show-and-tell today,
I have a treat for you.
I'm presenting my big brother.
Now, actually, he's my big brother
only because he was lucky enough
to be born first.
Stand up straight.
I'm trying to get an A in show-and-tell.
Don't goof it for me.
Actually, big brothers come
in a variety of sizes and quality.
Anyway, this is my big brother,
and I just thought I would present him
to you today for show-and-tell.
Thank you.
That's the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to me
in my whole life.
Student body president?
That would be a good job for you,
Charlie Brown.
You'd make a great student body president.
Me? Nobody would ever vote for me.
I would.
What's going on here?
What are you guys talking about?
I think Charlie Brown
would make a great candidate
for student body president.
That sounds great,
but I don't think I could win.
I'd hate to run and find
that nobody wanted me to be president.
I don't think I could stand that.
I'll tell you what,
I'll be your campaign manager,
and the first thing to do is take a poll.
We'll find out if you can be elected.
Just think, Charlie Brown,
how exciting it would be for you
if you did win.
I can see it now.
All the votes are counted, and everyone
comes running up to you and says,
"You're elected, Charlie Brown!"
Wouldn't that make you feel great?
I have the results of my poll.
You'll never be elected, Charlie Brown.
You have no way of winning. No way.
Joe Cool, back in school
Hanging round the water fountain
Playing the fool
Joe Cool, take it light
If the principal catches you
You're out of sight
Take those shades off
Walking round the hall
Joe Cool, making the rounds
Checking all the kiddies
Up and down
Joe Cool, play it straight
If the principal catches you
It's gonna be too late
Better learn to add now
According to my poll, Charlie Brown,
your chances for being elected are zero.
No way.
We'll have to put up another candidate.
How about you, Linus?
He'll do something about those lockers
that nobody can reach.
Well, I don't know.
I'll take another poll.
If my brother Linus
were running for student body president,
would you vote for him?
If my brother were running
for student body president,
would you vote for him?
Yeah, I remember one time he gave me
half of his peanut butter sandwich.
I'd vote for anybody
who took me out to lunch.
If my brother Linus
were running for student body president,
would you vote for him?
You bet!
How could I help it?
Linus all the way!
If you knew that Linus van Pelt
were running for president,
-would you vote for him?
If you knew
that he was going to straighten out
the whole educational system,
would you vote for him?
If you knew that he was going to solve
all the problems of the whole world,
would you vote for him?
-Well, why not?
'Cause I'm the one
who'd be running against him.
Okay, the results are in.
I've conducted my poll on Linus's chances
to be elected student body president.
The results are 99% for Linus, 1% against.
Boy, this auditorium is packed
with teachers and kids.
Schroeder's starting
his nomination speech for you.
I'm here this morning to nominate
for the office of school president
a great young man.
But first, I'd like to say
a few words about Beethoven.
Oh, good grief.
The candidate whose name I would like
to place before the electorate
possesses the same
unique combination of qualities
as those possessed by Beethoven,
the greatest of all composers.
That wonderful pianist
and that tower of strength.
Linus is sort of like that too.
I accept the nomination for the office
of student body president.
All right. To get organized,
I'm the campaign manager.
And, of course,
I have to have an assistant.
That will be you, Charlie Brown.
And if you need any assistance,
you line up your own staff.
You gotta have somebody
who will handle things
like signs and posters.
Snoopy, you're going to be my assistant
in this campaign.
And the first thing I want you to do
is to have some signs painted.
You can line up your own staff.
What about a platform, Linus?
What are you going to do
about drinking fountains?
I'm for them!
Good. What will you do about recesses?
Longer recesses, I say!
Good, good. What about homework?
Are you against homework?
Hear! Hear!
What about sick pay? Are you for sick pay?
I'm for it!
The studio's right through here.
I've lined you up with a talk show
so you can have a chance
to answer questions
that some of the voters may have.
It'll give us the kind
of exposure we need.
Stand by.
Okay. You're on, Linus.
Hello? Yes? Are you there?
Hello? Hello? Am I on the air?
Hello? Hello?
-Are we talking now?
-Good grief.
Yes, you're on the air.
What do you have to say?
Do you have a question?
Yes. I'm a first-time caller
but a longtime listener.
I wanna know what the candidate's gonna do
about the rivers.
Our school doesn't have any rivers.
-Hello? Hello? Am I on the air?
-Yes, you're on the air.
What is your question?
Well, you know,
I just called to, you know--
I have questions, you know?
And you know how it is
when you're a voter.
And, you know, I just wanted to ask--
I just wanted to talk to the candidate.
'Cause you know how it is
when you're going to vote for somebody.
You sort of like to talk to them
and feel how they talk--
Hello? Who is this?
What do you mean, "Who is this?"
Do you wanna talk to the candidate?
What? No.
I'm calling Harold in Saint Paul.
Is Harold home? I wanna talk to Harold.
You have the wrong number.
Hello. I have a question.
I want to ask this question,
and I want to talk to the candidate.
Can I ask the candidate a question?
Yes, the candidate is here.
Well, I have this question
that I thought maybe if I called,
I could ask you the question.
Because I know that if you're going
to vote for a candidate,
I'm kind of glad that it's good
that you're having a talk show like this.
Because it's kind of nice
that we can call in and ask our questions,
because you really can't ask questions
of candidates.
I don't know how you can vote
for somebody, and I'm glad that I have
a chance to ask this question.
And I hope you don't mind,
because I thought about this question.
And I think it's good to be able
to ask questions of a candidate.
I have a question for you.
Yes. What?
What is your question?
What did you say?
What is your question?
Question? Oh, my gosh.
I forgot what the question is.
I see by the clock
that our time is just about up.
I'm glad we have had
this opportunity to talk,
because I think it has cleared up
a lot of the issues
on the minds of you voters.
And if we don't have talk shows like this
that can help us clear up these issues,
we cannot really have good government.
Thank you all for your cooperation.
We're in.
The polls show Linus ahead 99.8% to 0.2%.
Great. I'll go out now
and introduce the opposition.
My friends, it gives me great pleasure
to present to you our two candidates
for office.
I'm happy to present Russell Anderson.
And Linus van Pelt.
I know you are all anxious to hear
what the candidates have to say.
So, without further ado,
I present to you Russell Anderson.
I'm very honored to be running
for student body president.
If I'm elected,
I promise to do the best I can.
Thank you.
Boy, now we're really in.
That's the worst speech I ever heard
in my whole life.
Well, you've heard the thoughts
of one candidate.
Now I'd like to introduce Linus van Pelt.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Friends, schoolmates,
teachers, countrymen.
I'm elected student body president,
I will purge the kingdom.
My administration will release us
from our spiritual Babylon.
My administration will bring down
the false idols in high places.
I wonder why the principal looks so pale.
I'm elected school president,
I will demand immediate improvements.
I will demand across-the-board
wage increases for custodians,
teachers and all administrative personnel.
And any little dog who happens to wander
onto the playground
will not be chased away
but will be welcomed with open arms.
I'm elected, I will do away
with cap-and-gown kindergarten graduations
and sixth grade dance parties.
Hooray! Tell it like it is, Linus.
With my administration,
children will be children,
and adults will be adults.
If I'm elected school president,
my first act will be to appear
before the school board.
I'm sorry.
I will not be able to appear
before the school board.
They meet at eight o'clock,
and I go to bed at 7:30.
I'm a reporter
from our school paper, Linus.
Would you care to tell us
what you intend to do if you're elected?
I intend to straighten things out.
We are in the midst of a moral decline.
If I'm elected, my first act will be
to meet with the parents' club,
the principal and all the teachers.
-We are starting--
-I'll just put down
that you're very honored
and will do your best if elected.
The press is against me.
I'm a photographer
for our school paper, Linus.
As long as you're running
for school president,
we'd like a picture of you.
In order to make it look sort of homey,
I thought we'd pose you with a dog.
I've changed my mind.
Linus, this is your last speech
of the campaign.
So go out there
and give it all you've got.
Mr. Chairman,
teachers and fellow students.
This will be my last speech
before our election.
We've got it cold, Charlie Brown.
I want you to know
that I have enjoyed this campaign.
You tell 'em!
And it has been a pleasure
to meet so many of you.
Yay! Tell it like it is!
And I have appreciated your support.
I have a little surprise for you.
Tell it like it is!
And as a change of pace,
rather than campaign talk,
I've decided to say a few words
about the Great Pumpkin.
Halloween will soon be with us.
And on Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin
rises out of the pumpkin patch
and brings toys
to all the good little children.
I've blown the election.
All right, say it. Say it.
Go ahead and say it.
I know you wanna say it.
I talked too much,
and I blew the election.
-So go ahead and say it.
-You blockhead!
She said it.
The way I see it, we still have a chance.
My personal poll now shows
you and Russell tied at 50-50.
If you don't do some other stupid thing,
we might still pull it out of the bag.
It's depressing to think
that there are students
who don't believe in the Great Pumpkin.
It's hard being a campaign worker.
We're completely at the mercy
of our candidate.
We do all the work,
and the candidate gets all the credit.
We ring doorbells and make the posters
and build up the candidate's image,
and then he says something stupid
and ruins everything we've done.
The next time I do any campaigning,
it's gonna be for myself.
Two for Russell. One, Linus.
Three, Linus. Two, Russell.
Eighty-two, Russell. Eighty-one, Linus.
One for Linus.
Eighty-two, Russell. Eighty-two, Linus.
One for Russell.
Eighty-three, Russell. Eighty-two, Linus.
Vote for Linus.
Eighty-three, Russell.
Eighty-three, Linus.
I think that he would make
a better president than I would.
Vote for Linus.
That makes it 84, Linus and 83, Russell.
Linus is the winner!
Boy, oh boy. We finally made it.
Here we are.
Now you go in and tell him
exactly what you're gonna do
to straighten out this school.
You go right in and tell him.
You've got the authority. We voted you in.
Linus will lower the boom.
He should make today a school holiday.
Yes, sir. You're absolutely right, sir.
I won't do anything
without consulting you, sir.
What an ordeal.
Well, I hope you told him.
Well, not really.
As a matter of fact, he told me.
He sold out!
We elected him, and he sold out!
They're all the same! Promises, promises.
You elect them,
and they weasel out of their promises.