You're Telling Me! (1934) Movie Script

Is that you, Samuel?
Yes... | Yes, my bun, it's only me.
Is the...
Is the...
Is the dinner | on the table, dear?
On the table and off,
five hours ago!
Don't exaggerate.
It's only the shank | of the evening.
Half past eight.
We will now give you the | correct time. Half past eight.
When you hear the sound of | the gong, it will be exactly...
8:30. | Take off your hat!
Where have you been?
Don't answer! I know | what you're going to say.
"Down at the shop, | working on an invention. "
If you was married | to Thomas Edison...
You're no Edison, | Sam Bisbee.
No, and you're no prophet, | Mrs. Bisbee.
If you've no regard for me,
you might at least have some regard | for your daughter's happiness.
My daughter's the happiest | little girl in the world.
Her silvery laughter rings out | from early morn
till late at night. | Till late at night.
Yeah. | Yes, very late.
But not in her own home, | it doesn't...
Take those shoes | off the table.
Who was putting them | on the table?
Where is she now? | What's she doing?
Who's she with?
I don't have to worry | about my daughter.
Well, | you'd better worry.
She wouldn't be out if she wasn't | ashamed of her home, ashamed of you.
Me? | Look at you.
Suppose she were entertaining | a nice young man in her home,
and you came in | looking like that,
with your shoes off, | your suspenders down,
and your breath | smelling of cheap liquor.
Cheap? Four dollars a gallon.
My daughter ashamed | of my suspenders?
There she is now | with that Bob Murchison,
that no-good...
What did I tell you?
I forgot. | What? Oh, yeah.
Kissing him. | Kissing who?
Bob Murchison. | Who's kissing Bob Murchison?
Pauline, our...
Well, that's life, dear.
Girls will be girls.
When I was a little boy, | I used to kiss little girls.
A rich man's son making | a fool of your daughter,
and you stand there.
No rich man's son will ever make | a fool of Sam Bisbee's daughter.
You might as well | get that in your...
That's the... | Take of that hat!
I'm sorry.
There. There they are, right in my hand.
Good night, Bob.
I know how to solve | our problem.
No, no, Bob.
You won't elope with me?
You won't let me | elope with you?
What's keeping us apart?
Haven't you heard?
The railroad tracks.
Twenty years married to a man | like you is enough for any woman...
Give him a rest, Mom.
Say, you little night owl.
What do you mean by staying | out the middle of the...
The middle of half past eight? Who, me?
Yes, you. Running | around with that clown.
Never let it | be said that...
Hey, you left your gadget | on the doorknob.
Your father and I think this thing | between you and that Murchison boy
has gone far enough. | Yes.
He doesn't seem to think so.
He just asked me | to marry him.
Marry him? Darling.
Hey, didn't I tell you? | I knew it all the time.
Oh, shut up!
He really wants to | marry you? Well, why not?
I'm young and healthy and | full of the devil. Pauline!
Sure, | my little daughter
doesn't have to be in a | hurry to marry any man.
Pick and choose, dear.
Liberty is sweet.
Once you're married, | it's just like being in jail.
I guess I'll go to bed.
Look out!
Don't get tangled up | in that thing again.
I won't get tangled up | in nothing.
I'm going upstairs.
It's worse than flypaper.
Might as well have some flypaper | curtains in the house as that...
You know, Charlie, | I've been thinking about...
Look out! | Don't sit down there.
That's another | of my inventions.
It's what I call | the "murder chair. "
When a burglar comes in here | and says, "Stick 'em up,"
I get friendly with him. | I say, "Have a drink. "
Then I invite him | to sit down in the chair.
When he sits in the chair | he releases that lever.
The iron ball comes up
and smites him | upon the sconce,
thus knocking him | deader than a doornail.
Now, don't either of you boys | ever sit in that chair.
Put that down, | will you, Doc?
Soon as I get this tire on the market, | I'll sell a lot of these things.
How's the tire coming, | Sam?
Coming? It's perfected.
Get over there, and I'll | give you a demonstration.
Get over, Doc.
Now, give that wheel a spin.
Good. Now, stand clear, boys.
That's a puncture-proof tire.
Say, that's pretty good.
Pretty good? It's perfect!
I've got nothing to worry about | now for the rest of my life.
Hello. | Hello.
Do I work fast?
My mother is calling on your | mother this afternoon at 4:00.
But, Bob, why? | What happened?
Well, after what you said | last night about my family,
I decided to have it out | with them. I know, darling.
But why does she have | to call on us today?
What'd you say to her?
Nothing much.
I merely said I was going | to marry Pauline Bisbee.
You did? | I did.
And I am.
Mother's very much | interested in meeting you.
I'll bet she is.
Well, I'd better go | and break the news,
and if you see ten women | being carried out of here
kicking and screaming, | that'll be my mother.
Howdy, boys! | Hello, Bill.
Say, Sam, I got | a special delivery.
Registered airmail letter, | here, for you.
Sam. Sam.
What's the matter with him?
Sound sleeper, | that's all.
Hey, Sam!
Registered letter. | Sign for it.
Sign for me, will you, Doc?
She didn't work out as well | as I thought she would.
Ought to put | a heavier ball on there.
"Samuel Bisbee...
"Dear sir.
"Your letter, at hand, regarding | your Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire.
"If you care to demonstrate | your invention to our company,
"the Board will meet you | Saturday, June 12, at 2:00,
"in our main office. "
That's great, Sam!
Yes, I guess I finally | put one over. Yes, sir.
Come on, Charlie, | help me get this tire off.
Mrs. Bisbee? | I'm Mrs. Murchison.
How do you do?
Won't you come in, please? | Thank you.
So nice of you to call, | Mrs. Murchison. Not at all.
I'm sure you understand | why I'm here.
My daughter told me | you were coming.
It's about your daughter I've | come to see you, Mrs. Bisbee.
I suppose you already know | that my son,
who is very young | and unsophisticated,
has been... Shall I | say, taken in by her?
Has been what?
Well, fascinated by her.
Now he even talks of | wanting to marry her.
Of course, with his social position, | his family and his future...
In short, the whole affair's | absurd, and I've come to...
And why is it absurd that your son | should want to marry my daughter?
The women of the Warren family | have always been above reproach.
That is history.
The Warren family?
You don't mean | the Warrens of Virginia?
My grandfather was General | Robert Henry Warren of Virginia.
Not really!
There, | you can see for yourself.
Well, this is a surprise.
Of course, | you wouldn't recognize me.
I'm the baby on his lap.
That was taken on the veranda of | our old homestead in Warrenton.
You're sure this album | belongs to you?
Quite sure. | Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Then your daughter Pauline | is really a Warren!
Well, of course, | that puts the whole affair
in an entirely | different light.
You all right, boy? | Yeah.
Glad you weren't hurt.
That's a puncture-proof tire.
Couldn't hurt that tire.
Knock the tree down first.
I still think Robert's | far too young to marry,
and I was afraid some cheap | girl of vulgar family...
You understand.
Delicious, delicious!
Robert tells me your husband | is a businessman.
Yes, in a manner of speaking.
However, his greatest | interest is in his inventions.
May I ask, | what does he invent?
Oh, various things.
For instance, he's been | working, lately, on a tire.
A tire? | An automobile tire?
That's been | invented already.
An automobile tire | that cannot be punctured.
Oh, but that's | impossible surely.
I've never heard | of any such tire.
And if there'd been a demand | for a puncture-proof tire,
surely someone would've | invented one before this.
They've been trying to | for 20 years, and here she is.
Mrs. Murchison, | this is my husband.
Your husband?
Well, this is a pleasant surprise. | I want to show you this tire.
Look at the resiliency in that | thing. I think I'd better be going.
won't you please take | your invention out of here?
All right.
I take it Mr. Bisbee | did not come from Virginia.
So Abigail's been telling you | her family history, eh?
Well, | you ain't seen a thing.
Wait till I show you | the Bisbee clan.
We were all Union men.
Sam, I don't think Mrs. Murchison | would be interested in those pictures.
Oh, sure she would. | Real down-to-earth people.
Speak our language.
Now, there's Uncle Bean. | Bean Bisbee, the tiger.
Fight at the drop of a hat,
and yet underneath it all as | tenderhearted as a baby lamb.
Look at those eyes...
Wrong picture. | That was Uncle Jim.
He was the black sheep of the | family, until he got into politics.
Now he's got a big home | up at Passamaquoddy.
And that's Aunt Minnie,
an angel of mercy if ever | there was one, and there was.
Known from California | to Maine and back again.
Stay up all night | taking care of the boys,
night after night.
I really must be going now.
Wait a minute. I want to show | you my private art collection.
Okay, Abigail?
Not bad, eh?
Get the knee action?
And stands without hitching!
Another relative, I presume.
No, no, no.
Just a little girl I met down | in the New Hebrides Islands.
Hello. | Hello.
What's the news | from the front?
All quiet, up to now.
Shall we take a chance? | Now or never!
Your naive gaucherie is amazing. Huh?
I said | your naive gaucherie.
Oh, yes.
Thanks, thanks very much. | Nice of you to mention that.
So this is the family | my son wants to marry into.
Yes, it is. | I really can't believe it.
The whole affair will be | definitely broken up at once.
We shall | disinherit Robert
sooner than consent | to a marriage as...
As impossible | as this one is!
Why, I'll crack her | in the eye.
Come, Robert. | Just a moment, Mother.
I don't know what's happened, but | I'm sure my mother doesn't mean...
Your mother means everything | she has said and more!
But, Mother, you can't talk | to Pauline's family like that.
What's happened?
Tell me. What is it? Your father.
Everything was lovely, | then he came in.
Me? What'd I do? | Never mind, Dad.
They don't understand you. | That's all.
I meant | every word I said.
I'm ashamed that | my son should...
You've said quite enough. | Now, please go.
Bob, take your mother out | of here and don't come back.
Pauline, | I can explain everything.
Say, who started all this?
Come, Robert. | Have you no pride left?
Don't you even know when | you've been ordered out?
Pauline. | Goodbye.
You better go, son. You've | caused enough trouble around here.
Well, I guess I told him.
Yes, you certainly | fixed that up.
You've got nothing | to worry about.
I got a letter from the National | Tire Company right here in my pocket.
Well, | isn't that just dandy.
Now, I suppose I can marry | a balloon tire.
Well, I've been married | to one for 20 years,
and a flat one at that!
Now, you two, | listen to this letter.
"Mr. Samuel Bisbee...
"Dear sir.
"Your letter, at hand, regarding | the Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire.
"If you care to | demonstrate your... "
Mr. Samuel Bisbee.
Mr. Bisbee? I'm Mr. Robbins, | the president of the company.
Pardon my glove. Glad | to know you, Mr. Robbins.
Gentlemen, Mr. Bisbee. | How do you do?
Gentlemen, glad to know you.
Are you ready to | show us your invention?
I'll be with you | in half a tick.
What's the idea | of the arsenal?
Going target shooting?
Use that for | demonstrating purposes.
Hey, what's this?
That's another | of my inventions.
I call it | the "nose lifter-upper. "
Makes breathing easy | and prevents snoring.
However, that's not for sale.
And this?
This makes scrubbing floors | a pleasure.
Put one on each foot, and | use the sponge as a polo ball.
What's this?
That's not for sale | just at present.
I thought we came here | to see a puncture-proof tire.
Yes. Did you bring a tire with you?
I have four tires | on my car, downstairs.
If you'll follow me,
I'll give you | a demonstration
of a 1000% | puncture-proof tire,
the Bisbee | Puncture-Proof Tire.
All right, gentlemen, | let's go.
I don't like his looks. | He acts like a maniac.
He's harmless. | Yes?
Oh, pardon me. | Okay.
Help me push this heap down the line.
Looks just like | an ordinary tire to me.
Give him a chance.
All right, thank you, gentlemen. | Will you please stand back?
These bullets bounce.
I'm going to show you a real | 1000% puncture-proof tire.
That's funny.
I'll try the other one.
I told you he was just | another fool inventor.
I guess you're right.
You think so, eh?
Well, I tell you, I haven't | crossed on those front tires,
but I put | the rear tires on myself.
I'm going to prove...
Watch this.
Now, this'll be | a different story.
They're a huge success!
A perfect case of deflation!
Calling all cars.
Maniac shooting up cars on | Main Street. That is all.
Hey, what are you doing there? Hey!
Where you going? Where | I usually go on Sundays.
Church? | Yes.
I thought I might go | to church, myself, today.
Mother's going with me.
You know why I'm here.
I can't stay away from you.
I called you | all day yesterday.
I know. | I wanted to answer.
Oh, Bob, it's no use.
I've thought it all out.
I'll come by for you tonight, and | we'll drive to Stanton and get married.
I have more pride than | to marry into a family that...
That thinks | they're too good for me.
Mother didn't mean that.
She was just annoyed | with your dad.
Well, Dad suits me.
I think he has just as good | manners as your mother has.
Don't go.
Your dad's all right.
You bet he is!
And when he gets back from putting | that big deal over in the city,
why, we'll have | as much money as you have.
You wait and see.
Are you two children | quarreling?
Good morning, Mrs. Bisbee. | Good morning, Mr. Murchison.
Coming to church, | Pauline?
Yes, Mother.
Goodbye, Bob.
This is final.
There goes Sam Bisbee, | drunker than a hoot owl.
Is he a hard drinker?
Hard? It's the easiest thing | he does.
Looks like I'm holding you | up. No, I got plenty of time.
Pardon me.
I should have brought | a little Vaseline with me.
By golly, I put over | a big deal today!
Will my wife and kids | be tickled to death.
Oh, I beg your pardon. | It was the wind.
"Goodwill tour. "
If they only knew, | Rosita.
But you must forget him, | Your Highness.
Could you, | if you were I?
Yes, officially.
Confidentially, no.
So I am to forget Michael, | and marry the crown prince.
But I can't forget Michael.
But you must.
You're right, Rosita.
I must forget him.
Why, | you've cut your finger.
One moment, Your Highness. | The iodine.
It's nothing, Rosita.
Nothing serious, but | we must take no chances.
I'll call Nicholas.
I bet he's got a woman in | there! I wouldn't be surprised.
There! What did I tell you?
I beg your pardon. | I beg yours!
I thought this was the | gentlemen's drawing account,
the washout.
If you don't mind, | I think, perhaps...
I'm going right away. | I beg your pardon.
What's this?
What are you up to?
Don't do it, little lady. | It don't pay.
When you wake up | in the morning
and find yourself dead,
it's too late to regret it.
What are you talking about?
Don't commit suicide.
You're too young. | You're too beautiful.
I got here just in time.
What makes you think that I...
I was going to | do the same thing.
On this train, | not five minutes ago.
Suppose I'd have | sent a telegram
I'd have had to | go through with it.
How terrible.
Are you so unhappy?
Little lady, you think | you've got troubles?
Listen to mine.
I lost my car, | I lost my tires,
and I lost my patent | nose-lifter-upper.
Yeah, nose-lifter-upper. | The only one in existence.
My own invention. | Poor man.
When I get back to town, | everybody'll laugh at me,
except my wife. | She won't think it's funny.
She'll murder me.
But can't you explain to her | as you explained to me?
No. You don't know my wife.
The other night | we had some folks to dinner.
I said, "Abigail, dear,
"is it okay | if I take my vest off?"
She said, "You don't mind | keeping your pants on, do you?"
Uncalled-for sarcasm.
Yeah, | the great commoner, Bryan,
almost went through | our town one time.
Really? | Yes.
Crystal Springs. | Thank you.
Has he come out yet? | No, he's still in there.
I feel sorry for | my little daughter.
I depended upon this trip | to put her over.
Have you a daughter?
Yes, she's a sweet kid,
but she's in love | with a rich clown.
Son of the Murchison family,
the richest people | in Crystal Springs.
Oh, I see. Society.
Yeah. Mrs. Murchison!
Looks like | an old Newfoundland dog.
Don't you care for society?
We don't go in for it.
We live on the other side | of the railroad tracks.
But you wouldn't | understand that.
I think I understand.
It's the same in my country,
only we call it | "class distinction. "
Yeah, we still call it | railroad tracks.
Here's my little daughter.
It's my wife | on the other side.
She's lovely... | Isn't she a honey?
She's lovely.
It's sad to be | young and in love
and not to marry | the loved one.
Don't you think so, Mr...
Bisbee's the name, but my | friends all call me Sam.
All right, Sam.
But your daughter should | marry the man she loves.
There must be a way, | in this country.
Only a fairy princess | could put it over now,
and there ain't | no such thing.
Don't be too sure, Sam.
You never can tell when a fairy | princess might come to your rescue.
Thanks, thanks, Miss... | What's your name?
My friends call me Marie.
Thanks, Marie.
If you ever get down | to Crystal Springs,
you must stop in | to see us.
My wife and daughter would be | tickled to death to see you.
Well, I hope | I haven't bored you.
Bored me? | You've saved my life.
Well, thank you. Goodbye.
Crystal Springs. | Don't forget it.
What time do we get | to Crystal Springs?
Crystal Springs? | We just passed it.
Why didn't you call it out?
I did, sir, but you was too | busy with that lady back there.
Oh, drat!
When do we get to the next | stop? Albian, 40 miles.
You sent for me, | Your Highness?
What engagements have we, | Nicholas?
Tonight, the usual reception | by the city officials.
Tomorrow, | Your Highness rests.
Excellent. That fits in perfectly | with an idea I have in mind.
I saw Sam Bisbee | on the train coming home.
He was drunk and making love to one | of them painted dolls in a compartment.
Did you say | anything to him?
I was just going to tell him, "Sam | Bisbee, what would your wife say?"
And what do you | suppose he did?
He leered at me, gave me an evil | wink, and slammed the door in my face.
And they went right on through | town. He didn't even get off.
What do you suppose | they did in there, then?
I don't pretend to know, | Sarah.
It's entirely | out of my line.
Sells his invention | in the city for $100,000,
and then what does he do | with all that money?
Runs off with | a notorious Russian dancer.
No! | Yes. One of them Romanoffs.
What's all the excitement about? Sam.
Anything happen to him?
Who'd have thought it. | Poor old Sam!
He ain't in trouble, | is he?
Oh, boy, and how.
Here's the way | I got the story.
Sam goes on a tear up in the city and | picks up a woman, some foreign actress,
and he's going across the | country with her in a stateroom.
They went through here, throwing | champagne bottles out of the window.
I tell you the best of | them are nothing but beasts.
No, you can't trust | one of them.
And isn't that | just like Sam Bisbee?
Traipsing around the country | with a burlesque queen.
She was sitting | on his lap,
and he was drinking | champagne out of her slipper.
When he sees | Mrs. Price is watching him,
he gets up and slams | the door and locks it.
You know | who she was?
I think it was | one of them fan dancers.
How do, Mrs. Price?
How dare you speak | to a respectable woman!
What's wrong with her?
Hello. Lovely weather | we're having.
Hello, Jane, how are | you? Fine, Mr. Bisbee.
How are you? | I'm fine, thanks.
How's your...
Maybe that was it.
Fellows, here's the sheik! | Hello, boys.
How was she, Sam?
Has she got a friend?
What's the matter with you | guys? You all gone nuts?
I can't understand what's | happened to this town.
Everybody shuns me | like I had leprosy.
We've been | hearing things, Sam.
It was a tough break, | that's all.
How did I know I was | shooting up a police car?
Sam, Charlie and me | are your friends.
We're with you | no matter what, see?
If ever I needed | friends in all my life,
I need them today.
Who was she, Sam?
Who was who?
That woman you had | on the train.
Oh, so that's it, is it?
Ain't it funny how much trouble | a man can get into innocently?
Come on, Sam, | tell us who she was.
She was the finest lady | I ever met in my life.
Joke's on me, Sam. | Wrong jug.
Try some of this | new blended stuff.
It's a funny old world.
A man's lucky | if he gets out of it alive.
I never met a princess before.
I never met anything | higher than an elk!
Princess Lescaboura.
I'm the Mayor | of Crystal Springs.
I'm delighted.
Will you step | this way, please?
I'll be all right. | Take care of Rosita.
May I present the Chairman of | our Entertainment Committee,
Mrs. Edward Quimby Murchison.
Oh, yes! I've heard | of Mrs. Murchison.
Really? I'm charmed.
My husband, Mr. Murchison. | Delighted.
Maybe you'd like to take | a little drive around the city
or something, | eh, Your Majesty?
Thank you. But I must | first see the friends
I've come to visit | in your charming city.
We shall include them, | of course.
You're too kind.
Are you sure | you won't mind?
Princess! How could we? | Thank you.
Well, well, | I don't see him.
Him? Who?
Everyone Your Highness might be | interested in meeting is here.
I've seen to that.
But I don't see my | old friend, Mr. Bisbee.
Did she say Bisbee? | Bisbee?
There is a Bisbee in our town, but | he's not one of our best citizens.
Then it couldn't be the same | Bisbee. I mean Samuel Bisbee.
Surely you don't mean...
Not Sam Bisbee, | Your Highness?
Yes, Sam Bisbee.
A real hero | and one of nature's noblemen!
A hero? | Sam Bisbee?
No one will ever know what | he did for me during the war.
What did he do for you, | if I'm not too inquisitive?
He saved my life.
Why... Your Royal Princess... | I mean, Your High Majesty,
if we'd have knowed it was | Sam Bisbee you was looking for,
we'd have had him | down here, but, gosh...
Would it be | asking too much?
Would you drive me | to his home?
His home? You mean you | want to go to his house?
Why, it's a pleasure, | Your Majesty.
Thank you.
Where does Bisbee live?
The other side | of the railroad tracks.
Gosh all hemlock!
We're sure it's the wrong | Bisbee, Your Highness,
but if you insist.
All ready, boys?
What'd you tell her? Well, | what could I tell her, Sam?
When your wife phoned | and asked me were you here,
I said you were | on the way home.
I thought I was | doing you a favor.
If I had enough money to pay | your back salary, I'd fire you!
Think I'll do it anyhow.
Why don't you take | your wife home a present?
A little pet of some kind.
Women are crazy about pets. | They're just crazy.
Pets haven't a thing to do | with it. Look at Charlie there.
See what I'm taking | home for the old lady?
It'll take a bigger bird than | that to square me with my wife.
Hey, pet man!
Whoa, Myrtle!
Hey! Myrtle! Look at Sam | with that funny-looking bird.
Myrtle, look out! The | lamp post! The lamp post!
Get down, Myrt! | Come on, now.
Come on. Now you're okay.
Now, come here! | Come here! Come here!
Come back here! | Come here! Come here!
Put your hat | over your head!
It's a shame, Your Highness,
you came all this way | only to find the wrong Bisbee.
Edward! Edward! | Isn't that Bisbee?
Yes, my dear, | that's Bisbee.
Well, stop him! | Stop him quickly!
Hi, boys! | Catch Bisbee there.
We want Bisbee. | Catch him. Stop him!
Come on, Myrt! Here.
Mr. Bisbee! | Sam!
Bisbee! | Sam!
Come on up | out of there.
Bisbee! Bisbee! | Old Sam, come here!
Your old friend, | the Princess Lescaboura.
Who? | Hello, Sam.
I'm afraid you girls | have the advantage of me.
Surely you remember the girl whose | life you saved during the war?
Marie! How are you?
You're a sight for sore eyes! | Fancy meeting you here!
We're conducting Her Royal | Highness to your home.
Her Royal Highness? | The Princess Lescaboura.
You are, eh? Well...
We're on our way to your | house. Come along, Sam.
Yes, do come, do come.
Say, I wouldn't ride in the | same carriage with that dame
for all the money | in the world.
If you don't mind, I'll | give my place to Mr. Bisbee
and ride with the mayor.
Thank you so much. | Come along, Sam.
They rolls off my knife.
Here, Murchie, | hold the chickadee.
If she starts singing, | give her some birdseed.
Well, Marie, | here we are again.
I'm surprised you didn't recognize your | old friend, the Princess Lescaboura.
That's a funny name. How'd | you happen to think that up?
That princess stuff's | a great idea.
Hope we can put it | over on the wife.
Must be a fire! | Maybe it's the ambulance!
There she is now. Duck!
How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee? | I'm so glad to see you.
Isn't this an honor for our town? Honor?
Why, | the Princess Lescaboura!
Your Highness, have I your | permission to present Mrs. Bisbee
and her daughter, Pauline?
I'm so happy to know you, | Mrs. Bisbee.
I think you're the luckiest | woman in the world.
Is my husband dead?
Not at all.
And you, the daughter of my dear | friend and benefactor Colonel Bisbee.
Aw, gee! | Thanks, Princess.
You don't realize | what a great thrill this is.
Of course, I don't know | what my dad did, but...
You don't know he saved the | Princess's life during the war?
Heroes don't talk much, | do they, my dear?
But in my country, the name | Samuel Bisbee is a household word.
Quickly, get some water! Quick! | Won't somebody get some water?
Look out, she may be stalling.
There, there, Mother! | How are you feeling now?
I'm all right.
I'll get your husband.
Colonel! Colonel Bisbee!
Hello, Abigail, dear. | Did you miss me?
Hello, Samuel.
Your Highness,
I know | it's an awful lot to ask,
but won't you come in?
I'd be delighted!
Won't you all come in?
Charmed, I assure you.
It looks like a great day | for the Bisbee family.
Thank you, Mayor. You haven't a | little dram on the hip, have you?
Colonel, I always have | something on the hip.
Mayor, you're okay.
I voted for you | last election.
Five times.
Your Highness, please.
Before you make | any other engagements,
I've invited some | of our best people
to my home | to dinner tonight.
I hope you'll enjoy | meeting them.
I'm so sorry,
but you see, I'm dining with | the Bisbee family this evening.
But Your Highness!
I've made all the preparations, | engaged the caterers.
Why how fortunate! | You won't object, will you?
If Mrs. Murchison's caterers | served the dinner in your home?
Then you could invite | all your friends.
Well, of course I'd be delighted, | if it pleases Your Highness.
It pleases me very much.
And you're all invited.
Isn't she marvelous! | What an idea!
I never would have | thought of it myself.
I can't tell you how I | appreciate it, Mrs. Bisbee.
What was that? | I beg your pardon.
Allowing me to use | your lovely home for my party.
Not at all. It's a pleasure. | Excuse me.
How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee? | Good evening, Robert.
Thank you, thank you, | gentlemen. Thank you.
Well, Samuel?
Abigail, my dear, | the party's a big success.
Don't be so stiff. | Relax! Relax!
How can you | in this armor?
Sam, you look marvelous.
Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks. | Marie, you're a prince.
Princess... Princess! | Oh, yeah, Princess.
Your Highness, | won't you come in?
Your Highness, may I | present Mr. Robert Murchison?
How do you do? | Not Bob Murchison?
You're Pauline's fiance, | are you not?
Not yet, Your Highness,
but I still have hopes. | Well...
And this is Mr. Phil | Cummings. How do you do?
She's a darling! She's the | finest lady I ever met in my life.
Except you | and your mother.
Thanks, Dad.
Don't drink | too much tonight.
No, I won't.
That's an idea.
Won't you sit down, | Your Highness? Certainly.
Come and sit with me. | Thank you.
What a marvelous match | they will make.
Take off those spats! | Huh?
And come right in here!
Oh, yeah, I'll have them right | off in a minute. I'll be right in.
Hey, you boys stick around.
There's going to be | turkey and ice cream later.
Samuel! | Yes, dear? Yes, dear?
Yes, dear?
Take that junk with you. | Yes, dear? Coming, dear.
Your Highness, friends,
I have a little | surprise for you.
It gives me great pleasure to announce | the engagement of my son, Robert,
to Miss Pauline Bisbee.
Formal announcements | will follow by mail.
Congratulations! | Congratulations! here, and everything. | I'm enjoying it.
Murchie, | you're a good scout.
I'm beginning to like you. Oh?
If you want a little | snort of gin later on,
I know where there's | some stashed away,
out here in the closet...
You play golf, of course, Your | Graceness? I mean, Your High Royalness.
Yes, but very badly, I'm | afraid. How fortunate!
We're opening our new | country club tomorrow.
I'm going to ball off | the first tee.
If you really | want to please me,
let me come and watch my dear friend,
Sam Bisbee, | open the new course.
Sam Bisbee? Sam?
It would | make me very happy.
Anything | Your Highness desires.
I'm afraid I can't do it. | I just hurt my foot.
Will you make an announcement, | please? Certainly.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I wish to | announce the opening
of our new course
tomorrow afternoon sharp.
Our esteemed friend, Mr. Sam | Bisbee will kick off the first tee.
I mean, will knock off the first green.
Shall we all go in to | dinner, Your Honor? Delighted.
His Honor has | a beautiful bun on.
You know, I have | a set of golf clubs.
They were left to me | by my grandfather.
He was an inventor, too, | you know.
That's fine, Sam. | You'll do all right.
Marie, this princess stuff is | working like a million dollars.
Keep it up! Keep it up!
Fish eggs!
All right, folks. | Step this way.
We're about to start | the festivities.
I'm depending a lot upon you.
I was never on a golf course | in my life before.
Don't worry. | Neither was I.
I don't like | that boy's face.
Why, he's the best caddy | they have in the club.
He don't know | from nothing.
Well, pretend you know.
Talk as though | you know all about it.
Well, I'll do | the best I can.
This is a happy day, | Mrs. Bisbee.
Do you know, | I'm really quite worried.
I don't believe he ever hit | a golf ball in his life.
Don't worry, Mother. | He'll try anything once.
Hey! Get out... | Hey!
Mr. Bisbee!
Ladies and gentlemen, as | Chairman of the Greens Committee,
it gives me | great pleasure to announce
that Mr. Sam Bisbee will knock | the first ball off the course.
I thank you | for your confidence.
Going to be a great help, | that boy.
I haven't played since playing in | the Thousand Islands, years ago.
What are you doing? Stop | that! Stop it! Stand still.
Put it... Put the bag down. | Go! What are you doing?
I haven't played since playing in | the Thousand Islands, many years ago.
I used to be in the dressing | business up there.
In the early days | in the Thousand Islands,
we used to tee off on one | island and drive to the other.
How far is it from | one island to the other?
About a mile.
Really? | You could drive a mile?
We used to putt | a quarter of a mile.
Of course, we had to | have the wind behind us.
Little too much whip | in that club, nimrod.
Now stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
By the way, did you | bring a ball with you?
Now, stand...
You don't play golf | with these things.
There's a marvelous club. | Bought that club in Europe.
Where's that club | I bought in India?
Let me see | that Indian club...
Never mind. | Wait a minute.
I bought a wonderful club | in Toronto.
Did you? Yeah, give | me that Canadian club.
This is a very remarkable | piece of wood...
I told you to hide that | and not let anyone see it...
You know | I never use tobacco.
That's no good.
Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
Ah, just as I thought. | It's warped.
Try this putting niblick.
Putting niblick?
A putting niblick!
Oh, that's much better. | Ah, that's much better.
Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
Stand clear!
Stop it!
Now, you stand clear and | keep your eye on this ball.
Sorry to have | lost my temper.
Stand clear!
Quite a breeze!
You stand still, will you?
Maybe this'll help a bit.
Stand still and keep | your eye on this ball.
I never should have had | a caddy in the first place.
Go on and hit it, Sam. | They're all watching you.
Well, I know, | but this chap keeps...
Stay still if I have | to choke you to death!
Awfully sorry I keep | losing my temper...
Godfrey Daniel!
It's chocolate custard. | I'm dripping.
I was a fool to ever | bring a caddy with me.
Go away! Go away!
Look at that thing!
Got the pie on there, yeah.
Put your foot on that.
Now stand clear and keep | your eye on the ball.
Look at that thing. | It's still going that way.
I was a fool for | ever having a caddy.
Hope they can't see this.
Come on, go away.
You know, when you first | suggested the caddy I...
I was against it | right from the start.
I wanted to carry | the clubs myself.
But of course when you...
Don't get | too annoyed, Sam.
I'm not annoyed, | only...
I look like... I look | like a fool out here.
All these people, | they're...
You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball.
I think I'll hit it now.
You see? Sorry...
There it goes again. | Come on.
There's your pie!
You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball!
Take that!
I hope you lose your nail.
I really don't. I'm only fooling, | pretending I do, you know.
That's strange. It was | around here just a minute ago.
There it is. | Huh?
There. | Where?
There. | Huh?
On the end of your club, | Sam.
So it is, so it is!
What a dunce I feel like. Oh!
Stop that, will you!
You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball!
Excuse me, please. Excuse | me, please. Excuse me, please.
Is that Mr. Bisbee? | Yes, Sam Bisbee.
Oh, thanks.
Stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.
Mr. Bisbee! Robbins, | National Tire Company.
Yeah, glad to see you again, | Mr. Robbins.
We found your car, | tested your tires.
I'm prepared to make you a | reasonable offer for your invention.
How much? | $20,000.
Just a moment, Sam. Is that | for your puncture-proof tire?
Yes, it is. | Ridiculous!
I'm prepared to offer | $50,000 for the patent.
I beg pardon. | And who are you?
I'm the Princess Lescaboura,
and I want the rights | for my country.
Well, I won't haggle.
$150,000! | $300,000.
$400,000! | $500,000!
$600,000! | $750,000!
I'll give you | a million dollars
and a royalty on | every tire manufactured!
Sold to the gentleman | with the Panama hat!
Here's a check | for $50,000. $50,000!
You take this check! | Grab this check! Here!
Goodbye, my bun.
Goodbye, Mr. Bisbee. | Goodbye, Mrs. Murchison.
Goodbye, Bisbee. | Goodbye, Murchie.
Goodbye, Sam. | Goodbye, Marie.
I want to thank you | for a lot of fun.
The pleasure's mutual.
We certainly put that | princess stuff over, didn't we?
You're telling me!
Goodbye, Sam. | Goodbye, Marie.
Goodbye! Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye now...
Don't forget... | Bye, Peter.
Goodbye! | Don't forget to...
Don't... Don't forget to send | me a postcard from Niagara Falls!
Boys, we're off to the races. | Take that.
Now, if anybody wants me | for the next two weeks,
I'll be in conference.
Right about face!
Forward march!
What a relief!
They've gone.
Charlie, open that bag.
This'll be the first real | drink I've had in months.