Zainab Johnson: Toxically Optimistic (2026) Movie Script

-[hip-hop music plays]
-[audience clapping and cheering]
[announcer] Washington, D.C.,
make some noise for Zainab Johnson.
[cheering rises]
[whooping]
[hip-hop music continues]
[cheering continues]
[whistling]
Hello, D.C.
[audience cheers]
[scattered applause]
[Zainab scoffs]
I I'm glad to be here.
-[whoops]
-[woman 1] Yeah!
Ooh, that was a beautiful welcome!
[cheering and applause]
I know I know it's crazy in the world.
I know. It's crazy in the world.
Something happening every day.
You know? I didn't even know.
When I was coming to D.C.,
I was like, "I hope Trump ain't here."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] You know, they be shooting
where he at. I was, like
[audience laughs]
[scattered giggling]
It's crazy. It's crazy.
But you know what? I'm optimistic.
I'm optimistic.
Yeah, I've always been this way.
Like, I see the glass as half full
all the time. All the time.
I'm like, "The glass is half full.
It's gonna be okay."
And if I encounter anybody that's like,
"You know what, Zainab,
there ain't even shit in the glass"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I'll be like,
"I guess I'm not thirsty, then."
[audience laughs]
I'm like I just
I believe that the world is conspiring
for my greatest good.
-[man 1] Whoo!
-Yeah.
-[applause]
-Yeah. Anything you give me.
Anything you give me.
You're like, "Oh, I lost my job."
I'm like, "That's okay. That opens you up
for another opportunity." Right?
If you like, "Well, girl, I lost my toe."
I'm like, "That's okay. You got four more.
They're gon' get stronger."
[audience laughs]
"Post a video. Put it up.
Find your tribe."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
I'm always gonna find the positive.
I'm always looking for the best possible,
you know
just the best possible scenario, you know.
But I know where it comes from.
So when I was 17, I got hit by a truck.
-[scattered gasps]
-Plot twist! Dun, dun!
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I got hit by a truck,
a drunk driver.
-[murmurs]
-Yeah, I got hit by a drunk driver.
And I woke up in the hospital,
and my legs were broken.
Yeah, from the waist down. I didn't know
if I was gonna be able to walk.
I was beat up so bad.
I used to play basketball.
My coach came in.
I must have looked beat up on one side.
He was like [gasps] "That's not Zainab."
-[laughter]
-"That's not Zainab."
And in my attempt to let him know,
like, "It is me," I turned over,
and when he saw this side,
it must have looked okay.
He was like, "Oh shit.
It's the Phantom of the Opera."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
But it was a scary time for me.
I didn't know
if I would be able to walk again.
I have like
I have a metal rod in this leg.
I have, like, severe scarring
and skin grafting all over my legs, right?
And I'm like, "Oh, my life is over."
Because I'm 17 years old, you know?
But then, my friend,
who was also hit with me,
her leg was amputated.
-[gasps]
-[man 2] Goddamn!
Perspe [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
Somebody said, "Goddamn!"
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
[Zainab laughs]
Things can always be worse.
[audience laughs]
But it was a perspective shift for me.
You know?
It made me understand, at 17 years old,
as bad as I think something is,
there's always something worse.
So I'm able to always exist in gratitude.
All I gotta do
is think about something worse.
[audience chuckles]
It's toxic.
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
-But it works.
-[audience laughs]
The other day, I was drinking a matcha.
I was like, "This tastes like grass."
[audience laughs]
-Then I'm drinking my iced grass, uh
-[scattered chuckles]
and I'm scrolling through TikTok,
and I see this man in Lebanon
walk into a caf.
-A bomb drops.
-[woman] Oh.
I said, "Damn. This matcha good as shit."
[audience laughs]
Perspective. You know?
Even when I think about, like,
our current administration, right,
like I I don't like him.
I don't like the guy,
but there's an upside.
He ain't in my house.
[audience laughs]
You gotta focus on the good thing,
'cause I hear he shits on himself, so
-[laughter continues]
-[scattered clapping]
[laughter continues]
[Zainab chuckles]
I'm telling you.
You watch them conferences.
You You'll know
'cause the people around him go
[sniffs]
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
[laughter continues]
[Zainab laughs]
Now, here's the thing.
Here's the thing about being positive,
being optimistic all the time.
The people I attract are realist.
Yeah, while I'm in the world,
like, "Things are gonna be great,"
my friends are like, "Things ain't shit,
and this what we gotta do."
-[audience laughs]
-[individual clapping]
I remember, I tried to do
something good for the environment.
I went and got myself an electric car.
Yeah, I was like, "The earth is gonna live
if it's up to me."
[laughter]
Got me an electric car.
Then things started going bad politically.
And my friend called me, "Zainab,
get rid of your electric vehicle now!"
I was like, "Why? What happened?"
She was like, "We gonna have to
get the fuck up outta here."
[audience laughs]
"And when it's time to go, you don't wanna
have to wait to charge up."
[laughter rises]
-[Zainab chuckles]
-[scattered clapping]
And when I thought about it,
I'm like, "Yeah, you trying to run,
you like, 'I need 25 minutes.'"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
You gotta hope the person chasing you
got an electric vehicle too.
[laughter continues]
I always thought when Black people say,
"Get the fuck up outta here,"
I thought we was going
to Africa. [chuckles]
I didn't know
we could caravan to Detroit, right?
[audience laughs]
I I used to have a Tesla.
-[scattered groans]
-[Zainab chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[laughter subsides]
I had a Tesla.
Here's the thing. I'll admit it.
I remember when it was a moral superiority
to have a Tesla.
It was a good thing.
I would pull up quietly.
[audience laughs]
Like, "Climate change? Not on my watch."
[laughter continues]
Felt great then. Then then it went bad.
Yeah, it went bad
in the middle of our leases.
[audience laughs]
That's what nobody likes to acknowledge,
you know?
Like, yeah, I'm down to protest,
but, like, my credit score says
I got four more payments.
[audience laughs]
And I have
I have strong Black women friends.
-[whoops]
-My friends are strong Black women.
Yeah, yeah, you know.
-[clapping and whooping]
-Oh yeah.
Some shit ain't right,
we gon' march for you,
we gon' protest, we gon' boycott.
We gon' stand for a change. Right?
-So I had this Tesla
-[audience chuckles]
that I wasn't supposed to have no more.
[chuckling continues]
And every time I would pull up,
my friends would be like, "Mmm"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab laughs]
Every Look, every friend group
got the leader of the friend group.
Every friend group got the alpha. Right?
Oh, she would love "Mmm"
[audience laughs]
You wanna know what's so crazy?
She ain't even the alpha.
I'm the alpha.
-[audience laughs]
-[man 3 whoops]
But she do all the administrative shit.
[laughter rises]
-[scattered clapping]
-[chuckles]
She planning birthdays,
making sure we show up on time.
[scattered laughter]
So I gotta let her believe
she's in charge,
and she used it to her advantage.
Every time I pull up.
"Mmm"
"Mm-mm!" One day, it got real bad.
-She said, "Mm-mm-mmm!"
-[audience laughs]
I'm like,
"Girl, you sound like a Porsche."
[laughter continues]
"Mmm"
"So, Zainab, let me get this right."
"You don't care if we go back to slavery.
Cool, cool, cool."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
That's dramatic.
[laughter continues]
And of course I care. I'm fit.
They gon' put me to work.
[laughter continues]
[chuckles] You the one
with high cholesterol. You know?
[laughter rises]
[scoffs] You know what I'm saying?
I'm the Lupita of slavery.
-You know what I'm saying?
-[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
[scattered laughter]
I'm a gun owner.
[laughter halts]
-Ooh.
-[scattered cheers]
-[woman whoops]
-[scattered applause]
I'm a gun owner because of my friends.
I actually I don't believe in guns.
I don't think anybody should have guns.
I'm "no" on guns.
I don't think
law enforcement should have guns.
-I don't think civilians should have guns.
-[scattered applause and whoops]
I'm the person in an argument
that's gon' be like, "Guns kill people."
My friends are like,
"No, Zainab, guns don't kill people."
"People kill people."
"Yeah, people with guns kill people."
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
I ain't never seen no gun levitate
and point itself, right?
[laughter continues]
I, um I bought a new house.
That's how I got the gun.
They wasn't just like,
"You should get a gun today."
-[light applause]
-I bought a house. Thank you.
-[cheers and applause]
-Yeah, it's it's
It's an accomplishment, right?
It's something to be happy about,
so I thought.
But my friends,
they got me back into reality quick.
[audience chuckles]
They said, "Oh, girl, that's great.
Congratulations."
"Also, you know
they killing women in houses."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
I said, "That's the only criteria?
You just"
[laughter rises]
"You just gotta be a woman in a house?"
-[laughter continues]
-[chuckles]
"Why are they selling us houses?"
[laughter continues]
[Zainab laughs]
I was mad that the guy at the bank
didn't tell me, right?
What if my friends didn't know?
I signed so much paperwork,
he had time to be like, "Congratulations."
"Also, you 'bout to die."
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
Now, before I jump off the ledge,
you know, I'ma do a little research.
I'ma do a little research
before I jump off the ledge.
So I go to Google, right? I go to Google.
You gotta be careful when you go to Google
'cause Google will confirm your worst
[audience laughs]
your worst fears.
I opened up my laptop. I went to Google.
I was like, "Are they killing"
Google was like, "Women in houses?"
[audience laughs]
[laughter and clapping]
[Zainab chuckles]
Closed my laptop,
threw it across the room.
[chuckles]
My friend said, he said,
"You know what, Zainab?"
"If somebody break into your house,
you might not have to shoot them."
"Just let off three shots in the sky.
Bah! Bah! Bah!"
[scattered chuckling]
I said, "Well, there's no way
I'm shooting in my roof, so"
[laughter continues]
[laughs disingenuously] Now that I know
how much a new roof costs
[audience laughs]
there's no way.
[scattered chuckling]
Also, that's so aggressive, right?
"Bah! Bah! Bah!" No!
If I'ma get a gun,
my gun is gonna go "pew, pew," right?
[audience laughs]
Yeah, my gun is cute. "Pew." Right?
-My gun is French. "Pew."
-[laughter continues]
-"Pep Le Pew." Right?
-[laughter continues]
She's plant-based. She does Pilates.
-"Pew, pew, pew."
-[laughter and applause]
My gun is a vibe.
-[nonchalantly] "Pew."
-[laughter rises]
[chuckles] You die by my gun,
it's gonna be a cute death.
You're gonna be like, "Uh! Mm!"
[audience laughs]
"I'm dead."
[laughter rises]
[scattered laughter and clapping]
[Zainab chuckles]
[laughter continues]
I got a Glock.
[scattered chuckles and whooping]
I got a Glock. "Bah! Bah! Bah!"
[chuckling continues]
Yeah, I got a Glock. Um
I'll I'll admit this to you guys.
I I thought Glock was a slang word.
[scattered chuckles]
Just me? [chuckles]
-[scattered laughter]
-[chuckles]
I thought I thought
Black people call guns "Glocks."
[audience laughs and applauds]
I I don't I don't know
I'd never heard anybody else say "Glock."
I thought it was like our superpower.
You know, we've had to speak
in coded language over the years.
We say things cool.
I thought any gun was a Glock
if you put it in my hands.
[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
I thought a Glock just meant
you take a gun, you turn it 45 degrees.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
I thought it was like a personality.
You know? Like, this is a gun.
This is a motherfucking Glock.
[laughter continues]
I thought it could not be a Glock
unless you lean, you know?
[laughter continues]
It's not a Glock.
The guy at the store had to tell me
it wasn't a Glock.
First of all, buying a gun is is crazy.
It's It's just
You should not be able to buy a gun
like you buy a purse, you know?
But I went in, I went in to get it,
and bad customer service at first.
[audience chuckles]
That threw me. I'm like, "This
That's counterintuitive, right?"
Why would you be rude?
You about to give me the very thing I need
to change your attitude.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
[chuckling]
[scattered laughter subsiding]
There was another salesperson.
He was super enthusiastic.
"You gon' get the Glock?" [rasps]
-[laughter]
-[chuckles apprehensively]
I was like,
"Why? 'Cause I'm Black?" [rasps]
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] I was ready. I was ready.
I was ready to get on a soapbox
in the name of equality.
-[man whoops]
-You know? "Do I not bleed the same blo"
-I was ready.
-[audience laughs]
Before I could be dramatic, he stopped me.
He was like, "Oh, no, no, no. No, sorry."
"Glock is the brand of gun."
And I said, "Oh, like Nike? Okay."
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
-I'll take the Nike of guns, right?
-[laughter continues]
Now when I shoot, I'm like, "Just do it."
-No, I'm kidding.
-[laughter rises]
-[laughs]
-[applause]
And I run off in my Air Max's.
-No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. [laughs]
-[laughter continues]
I don't know. I don't I don't
I'll be honest with you guys.
I do have the gun. Um
But it feels it feels like
a stranger in my house.
I don't feel more safe.
Actually, sometimes,
I hold it and I look in the mirror.
[audience laughs]
-[laughter continues]
-[chuckles awkwardly]
It's like me against me.
[laughter continues]
Doesn't feel good, you know?
And then, me always looking,
you know, for the good in it,
I'm like, "Well, how can I be
the change I wanna see?"
[audience chuckles]
"Maybe maybe maybe I could go
to one of the meetings."
-[scattered laughter]
-Right?
"Maybe I could go to one of the meetings
with the gun and maybe
maybe change people's minds."
[audience laughs]
'Cause, you know, here's the thing.
We We We've gotten to the point
where people don't like to hear anything
from anybody that they already know
is in opposition to them.
You ever try to tell somebody
about their kids and you ain't got kids?
[audience chuckles]
They shut down whatever you just said.
I'm like, "Oh no. Is the baby sleepy?"
"Do you have kids?!"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
"No, but I got eyes."
[laughter continues]
[laughter subsides]
"That baby seems sleepy."
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
So maybe maybe
they'll be more apt to listen to me
if I show up with my "pew."
[audience chuckles]
-"Guys"
-[scattered chuckling]
"let's put 'em down"
[laughter]
"on three."
[laughter rises]
[Zainab chuckles]
There's only one upside to it,
in my opinion.
One upside, to me, being a gun owner,
especially right now
with, like, all of the rolling back
and the attacks on DEI,
that's the one good thing about it,
I feel very powerful.
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a Black Muslim woman
with a gun."
That ain't the DEI they wanted.
[audience laughs]
I, um I don't want anybody
to break into my house.
That's scary. Right?
Nobody want a stranger in their house.
-Sometimes I don't like people I know
-[audience laughs]
[chuckles] in my house.
Right? So I definitely don't want
somebody that I don't know.
But I feel like if you gotta
If you wanna come in my house
to take stuff
Like you just wanna you wanna just
you wanna take stuff, you know?
I don't think you should be shot.
I definitely don't think you should die.
-Yeah, that's why I have insurance.
-[man] Right.
Yeah. They make me pay for it
every month. You know?
I don't see him as the robber.
I see him as the guy that's gonna help me
see what this claim do.
[audience laughs]
How will I know
if I'm getting what I pay for
[laughter continues]
if he don't come in and take the shit?
Now, if you come in my house
and your dick is out, I gotta shoot you.
[laughter rises]
-[applause and whoops]
-I gotta shoot you. [chuckles]
'Cause I don't know why your dick is out.
[laughter continues]
I have to shoot you.
I gotta take dick, balls, thigh, stomach.
I gotta take everything.
The big gun. "Bah! Bah! Bah!"
-I gotta take it.
-[laughter continues]
You gon' be left with chin and shin
by the time I'm done with you.
-[audience laughs]
-[Zainab laughs]
'Cause the only thing scarier than a gun
is an unsolicited dick.
[laughter and applause]
-[groans]
-[scattered clapping]
-It'll mess up the night, right?
-[laughter]
I ain't talking about
the ones that we invited,
the ones that RSVP'd.
[laughter continues]
I'm talking about
the ones that just show up.
Ain't nobody ask them to be there.
[laughter]
And I see the men getting tight.
-[laughter continues]
-[scattered clapping]
I see you getting uncomfortable, sir.
Not you? [laughs heartily]
Are you gay?
[laughter, whooping and applause]
[Zainab chuckling]
I said, "I see you getting uncomfortable."
He said, "Absolutely not."
-[laughter and applause continues]
-[Zainab scoffs]
"If a dick walked out right now,
I'd be A-OK."
[laughter rises]
[Zainab laughs heartily]
[audience laughing]
[scattered clapping]
[laughs]
All the men, besides him
-Nah, I'm just kidding.
-[audience laughs]
[laughter subsides]
Men, you guys tighten up, though,
'cause you have dicks.
So you take it personal.
You're like, "Oh, women always think
we wanna attack them."
"Talk about they feel unsafe around us."
No, no, no. This ain't a gender thing.
An unsolicited dick is scary
for y'all too.
[audience laughs]
Imagine you just on your way to the show
with your boy.
[laughter continues]
Y'all vibing to the music.
"Zainab 'bout to be funny."
And then he pull his dick out.
[laughter rises]
[applause]
[man laughs loudly]
[chuckles]
You know what's crazy? [chuckles]
You know what's crazy? [chuckles]
[laughter subsiding]
Titties have the opposite effect.
[laughter rises]
-[applause]
-[Zainab laughing]
An unsolicited titty,
that's a party, right?
[laughter continues]
It don't matter where you are.
You could be in line at the bank
in the middle of the afternoon,
if a titty come out,
you're like, "I need more money."
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] Right?
Worst-case
Worst-case scenario, you break in my house
and I have to shoot you, I have to,
I don't want to, but I have to,
"pew, pew," I'm taking your knees.
[audience chuckling]
Yeah, death is final, you guys.
Some things are a teaching moment.
[audience laughing]
He comes in my house, breaks in,
I "pew, pew" him. Now [whimpers]
[audience laughs]
He down there, hurt. I empathize.
I got hit by a truck. I know. It hurts.
-[laughter rises]
-[applause]
[chuckles] There's life after. Watch.
[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
-[laughter subsides]
-[woman whoops]
I'll talk to him.
Yeah. "Let's Let's Let's stop this.
Let's repurpose this energy."
[audience laughs]
"Get you into a college."
"And now you disabled."
[scattered laughter]
"So we gon' get you a scholarship."
-[laughter rises]
-[applause]
[chuckles] Changing lives,
one home invasion at a time.
-[laughter continues]
-[Zainab chuckling]
It's my theory
It is my theory that the reason
we love guns so much, um,
is that we can't fight.
[audience laughs]
If the first thing you think to do
when you get into a dispute
with your neighbor,
you have a road rage incident,
or you're at a bar,
the first thing you think to do
is get a weapon, get a firearm,
you ain't got hands.
-[woman] Hello!
-No, you ain't got hands.
-Yeah!
-[applause]
Anybody ever take fight training before?
Any sort of fight training.
-[scattered whoops]
-Martial art Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boxing, martial arts,
you know, when you take a little bit,
first class, you be feeling like
you could fight anybody, right?
It don't even gotta be in a real fight.
It could be, like
-[woman 1] Period.
-[audience laughs]
-[individual clapping]
-[laughter rises]
You be waiting for somebody
to bump you. [grunts]
[laughter continues]
I took boxing.
-I love boxing. Boxing, tried and true.
-[woman 2 whoops]
Yeah. Boxing is a classic
classic workout.
Trains your body, trains your mind.
I love boxing.
Love. Really, really love it.
I start training, right?
Every time I go in,
a couple of times a week,
the trainer starts the sessions
the same way.
Jump rope, three minutes.
[man] Okay.
[scattered chuckling]
For three minutes.
Then we go on to the training, right?
Either ropes, weight training.
You know, I get in, I'm hitting the mitts,
like, the bags, whatever, right?
After maybe about six months of training,
he comes in, he throws the rope at me.
He says, "Zainab,
I just want you to jump."
"I want you to jump until you mess up.
We gon' see how long you can jump."
I start jumping.
[low, scattered chuckling]
I'm not thinking about anything.
I'm listening to music.
After a while, he comes in,
he looks at the clock.
He said, "You've been jumping
for 60 minutes."
[scattered gasps]
He said, "How you feel?" I said,
"I would knock Muhammad Ali's ass out."
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
Not Laila Ali.
Muhammad Ali.
[laughter continues]
He said, "Okay, you know what, Zainab?
I mean, you do really good sparring."
"I wanna set up an amateur fight for you."
I said [gasps] "Oh no."
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
"No, no, no, I'm just doing this
to look nice in my clothes, you know?"
[laughter continues]
He said, "No, I think you could do it.
This is good mental exercise."
"This has nothing to do with your career,
your love life, your family. Let's do it."
I'm like, "Well, if he believe in me,
I must be able to do it."
-[audience chuckles]
-He sets up this amateur fight, right?
When the day comes,
I have to fight this girl.
Three rounds, three minutes each.
Three rounds, three minutes each, right?
So now we show up
the day of the fight, right? We ready.
Now, the thing that threw me is,
the girl had just got her hair done.
-[audience chuckles]
-Yeah, silk press, bob, fresh.
[audience laughs]
I had cornrows. Claressa Shields, right?
-[laughter continues]
-[scattered clapping]
[Zainab chuckles]
I'm thinking she trying to do
a Jedi mind trick,
like, "She think
she ain't gonna be sweating."
"She think this gon' be
light work," right?
But I turned it around in my mind.
I said, "Girl, I'm about to
knock the texture back."
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
I'm excited. The bell rings.
We go into the ring.
-She hits me.
-[concerned murmurs]
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[audience chuckles]
Boxing ain't about
if you could throw a punch.
Boxing is also about
if you could take a punch.
Yeah, she hit me.
Now, I don't know
if they do this in professional fights,
but when she hit me,
I looked for the clock.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
[chuckles awkwardly]
I just needed to know,
like, how much longer
[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
does she get to do this?
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
[breathing heavily]
When I finally find the clock,
it says I have two minutes
and 54 seconds.
[laughter rises]
[Zainab chuckles]
[chuckles]
I said, "Oh no. I gotta shoot this lady."
[laughter rises]
[audience applauds]
[chuckles]
"She better get outta here
before I get these gloves off."
[laughter continues]
You know there's more
We have We have more guns than people.
Did you guys know that?
Yeah, yeah.
For every one person, there's three guns.
-[man] Wow.
-I know.
It's easier to get guns
than it is to get health care, housing,
a husband.
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
I don't even like that.
That's who I wanna be.
I wanna be the woman,
if I wake up in the middle of the night,
or at some point,
in my house, 'cause I hear a noise,
I wanna be this type of woman.
[gasps]
"Babe."
[audience laughs and applauds]
"Babe."
[laughter continues]
[murmurs nervously]
[whispers] "I heard something."
[laughter]
He's like, "Huh? What? Huh?"
"I heard something."
And my husband goes to check
[agreeing murmurs]
and I, you know, crawl up in the bed,
I cover half my face with the sheet
[chuckles] and wonder,
"Will my husband ever return?"
[audience laughing]
[scattered clapping]
-[laughter subsides]
-[Zainab chuckles]
I I I'm
I'm single. I'm not married. Um
-[audience whooping]
-Thank you.
Uh, okay. Uh
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
Y'all like, "We optimistic too, girl."
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]
I, uh But I I I'm
You know, I'm optimistic.
Like, I I I think it will happen.
I believe it will happen. Um
I like being out in the world, though,
just in terms of dating.
I like being out in the wild.
You know what I'm saying?
I like the spontaneous encounters.
You know? I want it to be a surprise.
I wanna be so deep in my errand.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, "I just need to find an avocado,"
you know?
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I just wanna be like
[mutters indistinctly]
Feel it, you know?
And then here he go.
[mutters indistinctly]
-[audience laughs]
-[Zainab giggles]
"You found a good avocado?"
-[laughter continues]
-[laughs]
I'm probably gonna mess it up
the first time, you know?
I'm gonna be like,
"What? Oh, I don't work here."
-[laughter rises]
-[applause]
[Zainab laughs]
I love I love a chance encounter.
Like, I'm just walking down the street,
and he's walking down the street.
He's on his way to work.
He's rushing. He's moving fast.
He don't wanna be late, right?
But then he sees me.
[audience chuckles]
And he gotta decide, does he lose his job?
[audience laughs]
[sighs] I love I love that type of stuff.
I like a good story.
I really like a good story.
Ask Ask my Ask my mom
how her and my dad met.
My mom just turned 70 years old.
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-Yeah. Yeah.
I like I really like talking to my mom
now that she's older,
'cause she's more forthcoming
with information.
You know? I don't know.
There was a certain period of time
where I think parents have this thing
where they feel, like, holier than thou,
you know, they be acting like,
"Well, I don't know how y'all came,
'cause I didn't have sex."
[audience laughs]
It's like, "It was 13 of us,
so you was fucking."
[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
[laughter subsides]
Now now that she's older, though,
now she just volunteers information.
Some stuff I never wanted to know.
The other day, she called me, like,
"Zainab, did I ever tell you about
when I almost got trafficked
in New Jersey?"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
I said, "Why were you in New Jersey?"
-[laughter continues]
-[scattered applause]
[mutters concernedly]
[Zainab chuckling]
I asked her how her and my father met.
I said, "Umi, how did you and Abu meet?"
She said, "Oh, Zainab"
It was beautiful to see the nostalgia
take over her face as she told this story.
She said, "Oh, Zainab. I was 19."
"Your father was 26." I said, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab laughs]
I said, "Change that in the story."
[laughter continues]
I said, "People was liking that
back in the day,
but they don't like that now."
She said, "Zainab, I don't care
about you new-aged people."
She said, "I was in college."
"I used to stay at a dorm
on 72nd and Broadway,
and I would have to pass your father."
And I'm already on edge, 'cause he's 26.
I'm like, "Well, where where was he?"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckling]
She said, "Oh, Zainab,
your father, he worked at a newsstand."
I said, "Change that in the story too."
[laughter rises]
[scattered clapping]
[chuckles]
I said, "You was messing
with the newsstand man?"
[laughter rises]
[Zainab sighs]
[scattered laughter continues]
[chuckles]
[laughter subsides]
I said, "Show me a picture.
Let me see if he was newsstand fine."
[audience laughs]
She said, "Well, Zainab,
your father was tall, handsome,
but that's not the thing that got me."
"The thing that got me is,
every time I would pass him,
he would just yell out a fact."
-I said, "What?" [chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
She said, "Zainab, your father,
he was so smart."
"He just yelled out facts. Every day,
a different thing about the world."
"He just knew so much. Every single day,
a different fact about the world."
I said, "Umi,
he worked at a newsstand."
-[laughter rises]
-[audience applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
[chuckling]
[audience continues laughing]
"Could he have been
yelling out the headlines?"
[audience laughs uproariously]
[Zainab chuckles]
[individual clapping]
I was so disappointed in my mom.
I was like "You was one of those?"
[laughter rises]
[audience applauds]
[laughter subsiding]
[Zainab chuckling]
She said, "Well, you know what, Zainab?
Say what you want."
"But me and your father got married
three months later"
-[audience murmurs]
-"and we had 13 beautiful children."
-[scattered applause]
-Yeah.
[audience applauding and whooping]
Sometimes sometimes,
when I wonder if I'll be married,
the thought comes into my mind,
"Well, Zainab, just remember,
if you don't get married,
maybe it's because
you have to take care of your sister."
My oldest sister is special needs.
She's special needs.
She's intellectually delayed, which means
she stopped developing intellectually
at about five years old,
four or five years old,
but she's in the body
of like a 45-year-old woman.
You know what I'm saying?
And she know she grown.
[audience chuckles]
Yeah, she know she grown,
and she wants you to know she grown.
[chuckling continues]
Yeah. She has a job. My sister has a job.
You know, like a "job."
-[audience applauds and whoops]
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She goes to the library,
Monday through Saturday.
Rain, sleet, or snow,
my sister's gonna be at the library.
-And she gon' help you get the book.
-[murmurs]
Yeah, she's gon' help you get the book.
And just let her help you get the book.
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
Even if you don't want her to help you,
just let her help you.
'Cause if you don't let her help you,
then we're gon' come to the library.
[laughter and applause]
[chuckles] And we got guns.
[laughter continues]
[Zainab chuckles]
My, uh My sister, she always carries
these two, like, large shopping bags.
They're filled with, like, VHS tapes.
And Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We don't have the heart to tell her,
"Don't nobody got a VCR."
[audience laughs]
But that's her genius.
I think she knows nobody's gonna miss
the VHS tapes, you know?
And it's heavy, so it feels like
she's had, like, a long day,
and when she comes in,
she's very dramatic,
she's very performative.
It's almost like
she's cosplaying adulthood, you know?
[audience chuckles]
She'll come in the house and drop the bag.
[groans]
[audience laughs]
And if we don't stop and acknowledge
that she's had a hard day,
she gon' pick them bags back up
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
she gon' go back outside
-[laughter continues]
-[woman] Whoo!
and she gon' do it all again.
And she gon' be extra dramatic with it,
jingling the keys
-[laughter continues]
-shaking the doorknob
[chuckles] breathing heavy.
Then she gon' drop the
[groans exaggeratedly]
[audience laughs]
We'll be like, "Oh, hard day at work?"
And she'll be like, "Whoo! People. Shit."
-[audience laughs and applauds]
-[laughs]
My My oldest sister,
she loves talking in, like, sassy ad-libs.
Like, it don't matter what you say,
she'll be like, "Shit. Shut up. Whatever."
-Like
-[audience laughs]
It don't matter what we say.
I could be like, "It's cold outside."
She be like, "Stupid. Blah."
[laughter continues]
Okay.
Sometimes she'll start the conversation.
We sitting in my mom's house, quiet,
she'll come in, like, "Ooh, trouble!"
We'll be like, "What happened?"
She'll be like, "You do it."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
She like,
"Y'all do the conversation, right?"
"I do the one-liners."
[laughter continues]
Now, if you've ever been around
anybody with special needs,
you know that they're a savant
in some way.
Yeah, they they they have superpowers.
You know, my sister's superpower is,
if you take her somewhere once,
she can always get back there.
-[murmurs]
-Yeah, yeah.
We like, "Good thing you ain't dating.
You'd be a stalker."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab laughs]
Now, the most fascinating thing
about my oldest sister,
uh, is that she has been proposed to
three times.
[audience whoops]
Yes!
[audience applauds]
I've been proposed to no times.
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
The first two times,
they were also special needs.
-Yeah, they--
-[man] Oh. Well, whatever.
[audience laughs]
[individual clapping]
Sir, is there a microphone on your tongue?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I like how he changed his mind.
"Well Well, that's okay."
[laughter continues]
[laughter subsides]
They show up, proper proposals, though.
Really, really sweet.
They come with some version of a ring,
flowers. You know, they
My sister, she be overacting, though.
They ain't even come in the door,
and she be [gasping]
[audience laughs]
I'm like [chuckles]
"Let 'em ring the doorbell first."
[laughter continues]
Those first two guys, my parents said no.
-[audience chuckles]
-Yeah. I know.
-We watch Love on the Spectrum, right?
-[agreeing murmurs]
We be like, "Why Let them be in love!"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
But I know I know the severity
of my sister's disability, you know?
And I know that Love on the Spectrum,
great show, I love that show,
those are really
high-functioning individuals, you know?
I love the show. Watch it.
Ladies, especially,
if you got low self-esteem,
that's the show you need to watch.
[audience chuckles]
Don't watch none of them dating shows
where everybody in a bikini.
Watch Love on the Spectrum.
-[scattered clapping]
-It's great.
When you see a little autistic girl
tell an autistic boy,
"I can't date him.
He works at a supermarket."
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
And everybody is like, "Yeah."
-[laughter continues]
-[chuckles]
If I said that, they would be like,
"You a gold digger."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
Ah. But it's regular when she say it.
Even the autistic boy,
he just walk away like, "Mm."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
Like, "Where you going?"
"To the supermarket."
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
Also Also, I really do like the spe
I like stuff on the spectrum.
Especially for dating. Oh my God.
I love stuff Like Asperger's.
Yeah, put that on your profile.
He can't lie if he wanted to?
[audience laughs]
That's my man.
[laughter continues]
[chuckles] My friends would be like,
"Where's your man?"
I would be like, "Where he said he is."
[laughter and applause]
[Zainab chuckles]
"Yeah, I don't know
where your man is, but" [chuckles]
"I heart Asperger's."
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
[scattered laughter continues]
[Zainab chuckles]
The third guy was regular.
-[woman] Oh my God.
-"Regular."
[inhales sharply]
As far as the eye could see.
[audience laughs]
I'm sure I'm sure
that's not the proper way to say it.
Uh What's the proper word?
-[people] Neurotypical.
-Neurotypical.
Okay, that ain't gonna work
for the joke, so
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
But I acknowledge
that it's "neurotypical."
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]
-But I'ma go back to "regular."
-[laughter continues]
There was a specialist in the room
just for that. "Neurotypical."
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
[woman laughs raucously]
There'll be people like,
"I thought it was funny
until she said 'regular.'"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
"If I wrote the joke,
I would have said 'neurotypical.'"
"But I'm no comedian." [laughs]
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
-[scattered whooping]
-[applause continues]
[Zainab groans and chuckles]
[laughs]
He was regular.
[audience chuckles]
That surprised us.
That surprised us. We were shocked.
We We didn't know what to think.
Me and my other single sister was like,
"Did he not see us?"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab laughs heartily]
Oh. [chuckles]
I mean, we look just like her,
but we regular.
[laughter continues]
[Zainab chuckles]
-We ain't say it out loud, but
-[laughter continues]
we was thinking it. I looked at her,
like, "We gotta go to the library."
[laughter rises]
[whoops and scattered clapping]
[laughter subsides]
We actually didn't like him at all.
We looked at him as a predator.
[agreeing murmurs]
Yeah, we were like, "What?
This is a five-year-old in the mind."
"What could you possibly want with her?"
My mom sternly looked at him.
"Don't you ever come to my house."
"I better not hear
you talking to my daughter."
My brothers grabbed him up,
threw him out the house.
For the first time,
my sister had the perfectly timed ad-lib.
She said, "Shit. Told you."
[audience laugh uproariously]
-[applause]
-[Zainab chuckles]
[chuckling]
I was just "You let him follow you home?"
[laughter continues]
-[clears throat]
-[scattered laughter]
In order to find a husband,
you gotta date, right? You gotta date.
You gotta put yourself out there, right?
-Are we dating?
-[woman] Yes.
-[whoops]
-Oh. A few of us. A few of us. [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
I I love the people that be like,
"I want this. I want this. I want this."
The person like, "Where you hanging out?"
"I just be in my house."
[audience laughs]
"Oh. Go outside? Oh, no, no, no.
There's people out there." I'm like
-[laughter continues]
-[chuckles]
I, um I actually got on an app once.
I don't really like the apps.
Like I said, I like the story,
but I got on an app once.
This guy, he's he's nice.
Nice guy. He sent me a message.
He Not the typical message.
He was like, "Hey, Zainab."
"I met you at an event before.
I was attracted to you."
"But I have social anxiety.
I was too afraid to talk to you."
"I saw you on this app. I didn't wanna
let the opportunity pass me by."
I really liked that message.
Yeah, it's not the typical.
It's not like, "Hey, ma!"
-You know what I'm saying?
-[laughter]
But I liked the the vulnerability,
the transparency.
I feel like that's a good place to start.
I'm not one of those people that thinks,
like, "men lie," you know?
Like, I think people lie, you know?
I think men
lie for no reason.
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
You know, a man will be bored
and be like, "What should I do?"
[audience laughs]
"I'ma lie."
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
Right here, in Washington, D.C.,
I was walking down the street.
This guy's walking down the street.
I'm thinking it's gonna be
my chance encounter, right?
Right as he's about to pass me, he stops.
He says, "You got beautiful eyes."
I said, "Thank you."
I got two steps past him,
realized I had on black sunglasses.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[chuckles]
So I liked I liked that this guy was able
to be vulnerable, transparent, you know?
I decided to go on a date with him.
And I meet him. He's a nice guy.
I don't really like him,
but he's a nice guy.
And I feel like
you gotta keep the nice ones nice.
-[women] Yeah.
-Yeah, you gotta keep the nice ones nice.
I don't know his lady,
but until he gets to her,
I'm gonna make sure he stays whole.
Yeah, in my mind,
I'm just serving my country.
[audience laughs and applauds]
It's the closest you gon' get
to shipping me out.
[laughter continues]
Now, I notice,
although the date's going good,
I notice, right,
that this guy's hands are shaking.
His hands are shaking, right?
And in my mind,
I'm thinking about the anxiety, right?
I'm like, "Maybe he nervous,"
but then I had my friends,
I had my realest friends in my head.
"Nah, he be he be murdering people."
[audience laughs]
"His hands shaking
'cause he used to choking necks."
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
I keep a straight face,
but I make a note in my phone.
-[agreeing murmurs]
-"8:52, his hands are shaking."
Just in case. Just in case.
I fully expect to make it home.
You know me. I'm optimistic, right?
But just in case I don't make it home,
at least the cops will find my phone.
Be like, she said it,
"8:52, his hands are shaking." You know?
Also, I will admit this.
Y'all know I'm a Black woman in America.
I got to solve my own murder
before I go, so
[audience whoops and applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
If I don't make it home,
just find my phone.
I will narrate the entire thing.
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
"8:53, stab."
[laughter rises]
[Zainab chuckles]
"8:54, stab, stab."
[laughter continues]
You'll know my time of death
'cause I ain't finished
writing out the words.
-[laughter continues]
-[Zainab chuckles]
Anyway, the date ends. The date ends.
I feel like I did a good job of, like,
making this nice guy feel optimistic
as he journeys on without me.
[audience laughs]
And so, he walks me to my
you know, he walks me to my car,
and he tried to get the kiss.
He tried to get the kiss.
Y'all, I went back. You know?
When you try to get the kiss,
I just I be looking like Stevie Wonder.
I be like
-[audience laughs]
-[Zainab chuckles]
"I notice it is a ribbon in the sky."
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
-[woman whoops]
-[scattered laughter continues]
He starts talking to me.
He's like, "I really enjoyed myself."
"I I I like you.
I'd like to continue to see you."
"I feel like you like me too."
-And I was like, "Ah!"
-[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
[chuckles] This is a good time
in the story to tell you guys,
this was a white guy.
-[audience] Oh!
-[scattered laughter]
It's not really important to the story.
It's not important to the story.
It's only important to the story
'cause of his reaction.
You know [hesitates] Here's
When I was like, "Ah,"
if he was a Black guy,
I feel like he would've
Exactly. He would've known.
He would've interpreted it. You know?
If I was like, "Ah,"
he would've been like, "Oh. Oh"
[audience laughs]
"My fault. Nah, you all good.
Nah. 'Ah, ah, ah.'"
-[laughter rises]
-[audience applauds]
[Zainab chuckling]
He would've gave me the universal
You know, when guys "get home safe,"
they hit the hood of your
-[woman] Oh yes.
-[laughter rises]
-It's all right. It's all right.
-[scattered clapping]
[laughs]
-[sighs]
-[scattered laughter continues]
But because he was a white guy,
and white guys, feel free to correct me,
but I think because he was a white guy,
when I was like, "Ah,"
he just did the shit back, like, "Ah!"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
I think he thought it was an improv game.
-[laughter rises]
-[chuckles]
He was like, "Yes, and ah, ah. Ah, ah?"
"Ah, ah. Ah-ah."
[chuckles]
[scattered laughter continues]
I know, uh that I have to be intentional
in terms of looking for a husband.
I know. A partner. Um
I know I know the time is now.
I know that because
I made friends with a possum.
[audience chuckles]
Yeah. My friends was like,
"Oh, you single."
[audience laughs]
I made friends with a possum.
Everybody know what a possum looks like?
-[audience] Yes.
-Yeah, yeah.
They're aesthetically challenging.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, that's a face
only a mother could love.
The American possum,
not the Australian possum.
Yeah, the American possum looks very
-Technically, it's the "opossum."
-[woman 2] Right.
But I think the only reason
they put that "O" in front of it
is 'cause when you see 'em,
you're like, "Oh!"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles nervously]
"Oh shit. You scared me." You know?
[laughter continues]
They're such an interesting creature,
because they're the only marsupials
on our continent.
If you don't know what a marsupial is,
they're the mammals that carry.
Yeah, the birth happens
After they deliver, you know, the baby,
the majority of the development
of this baby happens
in a pouch on the outside.
Kangaroos, koalas, wallabies, possums,
all native to Australia,
but we got one.
[audience chuckles]
In all of the Americas, we got one.
Bad Bunny showed y'all the flags.
[audience laughs]
[individual clapping]
-[laughter rises]
-[whooping]
I don't even know if the American possum
is related to the Australian possum.
I have no idea.
If they are, that's a long flight.
-What happened in the travel, right?
-[audience laughs]
Did it get raped by a rat? What happened?
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
Did it take a Jet2 holiday? What happened?
[laughter continues]
[scattered clapping]
I remember the first time I saw mine.
I saw it at night.
Saw it at night.
You normally see them at night.
You know, they they
they got white faces, black bodies.
They got that long tail.
You know, that tail drag
against the floor.
It's like the biggest rat tail
you ever seen in your life.
Their eyes glow in the dark.
You know, they sort of when they get
a little bit scared, they go [rasps]
-Right? I'm like, "You need Invisalign."
-[audience laughs]
I see mine crossing my driveway,
heading towards my house.
Now, the good thing is,
I was in my car. I was in my car.
I'm like, "Okay, I'ma pull up real fast,
scare it off," right?
So I figure, if I pull up fast,
the opossum will scurry, you know?
So I pulled up real fast,
but I was in a Tesla. It didn't hear it.
[audience laughs]
-So the opossum just kept going.
-[audience chuckles]
So I'm like, "Oh no."
"Do I live in my car now?"
[audience laughs]
But then that other thing activated in me.
You know? The opportunity.
"No, Zainab, this is good.
Face your fears."
So I jump out the car.
I got adrenaline. I slam the door.
When I slam the door, the opossum freezes.
-[gasps]
-[audience laughs]
It freezes in the most disturbing way.
It turns upside down.
The tongue is hanging out of its mouth.
The eyes go backwards.
[laughter continues]
It's shaking.
I I I couldn't [chuckles]
I couldn't believe it.
Now, I know now, like,
they call that "playing possum."
You know? They pretending to be dead.
-Did y'all know they not even pretending?
-[laughter]
-No, they have no control over it.
-[woman whoops]
Yeah, what happens is, they get so scared,
they go into an involuntary paralysis.
[murmuring]
Yeah. That makes more sense to me.
Why would you fake die like this?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
If I'ma fake die, I'ma be like
-[laughter rises]
-[audience applauds]
In case you take a picture.
[laughter continues]
I don't know
I'm not familiar with this creature.
I know what it is,
but I don't know what it does.
So it's scared, but I'm scared too.
So I start screaming
-"Die! Die! Die!"
-[audience laughs]
But the opossum,
as I'm yelling, "Die, die"
If the opossum could talk,
it would've been like, "I'm trying!"
[audience laughs]
It's shaking. I realize, "Oh shoot.
I'm the villain in the story."
[audience chuckles]
I run in the house.
I immediately do what I do.
I go to Google, right?
Let me see what I need to know
about this creature.
I'm hoping that I don't see the worst.
Turns out, I don't know
who's doing the opossum PR.
-Couldn't find a negative thing.
-[audience chuckles]
They're so good.
They're so good for the Earth.
First of all,
did y'all know they can never have rabies?
-[woman 1] That's right.
-I know. But they look rabid as fuck.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
They clean up all the ticks
and things that destroy y'all grass.
The opossum cleans it up for free.
Don't even judge us.
Like, "You got a lot of ticks."
[audience laughs]
I read a spiritual blog.
It said that if an opossum
crosses in front of you,
you are protected in this world.
I said, "That sound like me."
-[audience chuckles]
-[individual clapping]
I saw this woman. She did a video.
She was holding an opossum in her arms.
Oh yeah. Like it was a baby,
bouncing it on her hip.
Yeah, like it was a seven-month-old.
It was a white lady.
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
[chuckles]
She bounced that opossum on her hip.
She looked right at the camera.
She said, "Opossums only live
to be about three or four years old."
[audience] Aw.
"So if you don't want them around,
don't like the way they look,
if they scare you, give 'em a break,
'cause they're not here for very long."
-[audience] Aw.
-Yeah.
Then she looked at the one in her arm
and was like, "Right?" He was like
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
If you've never seen an animal trying
to figure out their age in real time
[laughter continues]
[chuckling]
He was like, "Am I one or four?"
[laughter continues]
Now I have all this new information,
I'm like, "Oh, okay, I'ma let him stay.
How dare I?"
It's this thing that human beings have.
We always wanna We wanna
-We wanna occupy space.
-[woman] Right.
We wanna own
Even if something was there before us.
Crazy thing.
I'm like, "You know what? He can stay."
Yeah. "I don't know
how long he was here before me."
"I'ma let him come and go as he pleases."
I named him Eugene.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, Eugene sound like somebody
who will help you change a flat.
-[laughter]
-You know?
Like he always got change for a dollar.
[laughter continues]
Eugene would come, you know,
every other night.
The sun goes down, and Eugene would come.
At one point, I thought
Eugene was practicing Ramadan with me.
[audience laughs]
The sun would go down. He would be there.
I would pray and need to break my fast.
He would be in the back.
I'd be like, "Ramadan Mubarak, Eugene!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] He like
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
For months. Months go by.
Eugene, he's my outdoor pet
that I don't gotta do nothing for.
My friends like Eugene. They coming over,
"Where Eugene? Where Eugene?"
I'm like, "He got anxiety.
He don't come out when"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I post Eugene on my socials all the time.
People know Eugene, right?
Eugene is now a fixture in my life.
One morning, I was up.
I was out for a run.
Early in the morning.
Sun had just came up.
I get to the main road.
I see a dead opossum in the street.
[audience] Oh.
I scream, "Eugene!"
[audience laughs]
I screamed so loud,
another runner came to me, frantic.
"Are you okay? Did somebody attack you?
Can you describe him? Can you"
She really wanted to be a witness, right?
[audience laughs]
And I'm processing in real time.
I'm like, "No, it's Eugene."
"Eugene is dead, you guys.
Eugene is dead."
I'm pointing at Eugene. She's confused.
[audience laughs]
She looks at me,
then she looks at Eugene. She's like
[scoffs] "You mean Mark?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
[chuckles]
I couldn't I don't know. Is that Mark?
Is that Eugene? I don't know.
If you've seen an opossum,
they all look the same.
Like, they standard issue.
That's what they look like.
[scattered laughter]
But in my mind, it was Eugene,
and he's dead.
I'm sad. I stop running.
I go home. I call my friend.
"You ain't gonna believe it."
[audience chuckles]
She said, "What happened, Zainab?"
I said, "Eugene died." She said, "What?!"
"Not Eugene!"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
She said it like Eugene was
a pillar in the community.
-[laughter rises]
-[scattered applause]
[chuckles]
I said, "Yeah, girl, in the street,
when I was on my run."
"He laid out in the street."
She said, "In the street?
How did it happen?"
I said, "Girl, probably a Tesla.
I don't know."
[audience laughs]
She said, "Oh, Zainab.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."
"I know how hard you worked
to get comfortable
with Eugene."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
She said, "But, Zainab, don't worry."
"As long as you got fruit trees
back there, you got real grass,
another opossum will come, give it time."
She was right. A couple of weeks later,
I'm getting home late from a show again.
I'm in my car. I see an opossum
right in front of in the front yard now.
And I'm like [gasps] "Eugene."
[audience chuckles]
So I watch him a little bit,
but he goes to my front door.
[woman] Oh.
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
Eugene ain't never do that.
[laughter continues]
Ever since that first night,
when I was like, "Die, die, die,"
Eugene was like,
"I'ma go around the back."
[audience laughs]
[individual clapping]
[chuckles]
This opossum went
right to the front door and was like
[scattered laughter]
I said [gasps]
"Mark?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Zainab laughs]
You done showed yourself.
[laughter continues]
The reason I, um,
tell you guys about Eugene
is because, uh,
maybe about a year ago at this point now,
a friend of mine,
a really close friend of mine,
a mentor in comedy,
she called me one day, distraught.
Distraught. She was at her wit's end.
She called me yelling, frantic.
"Zainab, I'm quitting comedy.
I'm done. I'm done."
This is This is someone
who's responsible for a lot of the doors
that I've been able to walk through.
But the world doesn't know it.
And so I heard her out. I felt bad.
I said, "What happened?"
She said, "I'm done with this shit.
I can't take it. So much inequality."
"I'm done. I'm done. I'm done."
"I can't do it no more.
I can't do it. I'm done."
"I gave it 30 years of my life,
and I have nothing to show for it."
I'm like, "Wait. Tell me what happened.
Tell me what happened."
"Why tonight? What was the straw
that broke the camel's back?"
She said, "Okay.
So I'm at the comedy club, right?"
"And I have to go up after this white guy,
and he did that white-guy-comic bullshit."
[audience murmur]
You know when you don't know
what somebody is about to say, you scared,
so you try to get there first?
[audience laughs]
I said, "White-guy-comic bullshit?
What did he say?"
"Did he say something racist, sexist,
Islamophobic, transphobic, anti-Semitic?"
"What What did he say?"
"Did he call Mary J. Blige 'Beyonc'?
What did he say?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
She said, "No, Zainab.
He did his entire set on a horse."
-[confused murmurs]
-[scattered chuckles]
I said, "He rode in on a horse?"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
That's some white-boy shit.
She said, "No, no, no, Zainab.
He talked about a horse for 20 minutes."
I said, "Oh, what's wrong with that?"
She said,
"The audience let him."
-[woman 1 chuckles]
-[woman 2] Mm-hmm.
"I watched it, and they just let him."
I said, "Okay."
She said, "Yeah, I realize,
in this business, that's his privilege."
"He gets to get up on stage,
every single night, and be whimsical."
"He gets to be imaginative."
"He never has to say anything substantive
if he doesn't want to."
She said, "But I'm a Black woman."
"Every time I get up on stage,
I have to keep it real."
"I have to address my identity."
"I have to talk about issues
that are happening in the world."
"I have to be the voice of the voiceless."
"They would never let me
talk about an animal for 20 minutes."
-So
-[audience laughs]
-[uproarious cheering and applause]
-[Zainab chuckles]
[whooping]
[whistling]
[scattered hollering]
[cheering and applause continues]
I talk about
[cheering subsides]
I talk about Eugene
as a social experiment.
[audience chuckles]
Every night,
I get on stage and I ask myself,
"How long is this audience gonna let me"
[scattered laughter]
-[audience laughs]
-[Zainab chuckles]
"a Black Muslim woman"
[audience whoops and applauds]
"talk about an opossum?"
[applause continues]
[cheering and whooping]
You know what's crazy?
Every single time I do it,
by the time I get to Eugene's death,
y'all be like [gasps] "No!"
[audience laughs]
[Zainab chuckles]
And I also found out
I am giving voice
to a community that needed a voice.
[audience laughs]
I did not know
there's an opossum community out there
that wants to be heard.
Oh, they coming up to me, you guys.
They've made me their queen.
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered clapping]
They sending me messages.
At the shows, they coming up to me,
showing me their opossum.
"Mine is named Claude."
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
They are excited.
It only went left one time.
One time, this girl came up to me,
and she said, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"
"You know, I rescue opossums!"
I said,
"How would I know?"
[audience laughs]
She said, "No, it's just
when you started talking about Eugene,
I was like, 'Yes! Yes!
Somebody else gets it!'"
And that's a hard place for me to be
in a conversation,
because there's that part of me
that wants to affirm her, right?
Then there's that other part of me
that's like, "We not the same."
[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
-[laughter subsides]
But, you know, I'm trying to be positive,
and, you know,
I was like, "Well, do you have"
"Give me a card. How do we contact you?"
[audience laughs]
She said, "Well, well, I do need
to correct one thing you said."
I said, "Oh no.
Am I about to be cancelled?"
[audience laughs]
She said, "It's the dead opossum part."
I said, "What do you mean?"
She said, "When you see a dead opossum
in the street, in the road, wherever,
you gotta check the pouch."
[audience groans]
"Because there might be live babies
in the pouch."
[concerned murmurs]
And y'all know me,
being optimistic and positive,
but I think I think that was the moment
where I had poured the water
out the glass.
[audience laughs]
I said, "Girl, I ain't checking
no motherfucking opossum pouch."
-[laughter rises]
-[audience applauds]
[Zainab chuckles]
[laughter subsides]
I tell y'all about Eugene
because, as crazy as the world gets,
and it's probably gon' get
a little bit crazier,
as crazy as it gets,
I want y'all to remember
-to access joy, spread love
-[man 1 whoops]
-[woman] Yes!
-be whimsical
-[whoops and applause]
-Yeah.
And be so freaking optimistic
that it's toxic.
[audience laughs]
I'm Zainab, you guys.
Have a wonderful night.
-[uproarious cheering and applause]
-Thank you. [chuckles]
[hip-hop music plays]
[cheering fades]
[hip-hop music continues]
-[music stops]
-[Zainab] Let's see.
[tapping]
Oh, okay, there he go.
[chuckling] Oh
Okay, Eugene.
Look at his ass.
He's saying, "You looking at me?
I'm looking at you."
What if he said,
"Get that goddamn camera out my face"?
He just there.
All right, I got stuff to do,
so I'ma just have to let him be.
Let me see what happen
when I turn the lights off.
What does he do?
Oh, now he
Oh, he gettin' up outta there. Okay.
[chuckles]