Zombie Apache (2025) Movie Script
1
(horn blares)
(majestic cinematic music)
(distant shout echoes)
People think that Custer
and his like were
the first white men
we saw in these parts,
but they'd be wrong.
For hundreds of years, the
Northmen raided our villages,
killing our people.
(footsteps splash)
They came from across the sea,
bringing only death
in their wake.
We fought them for centuries,
until eventually
only one remained,
the Horned Wolf, we called him.
They say he was forced
into the mountains
by a single brave,
(powerful orchestral music)
Screaming Panther.
The Panther cornered the Wolf
up in those mountain passes,
so they say.
And a mighty battle was fought.
(Panther shouts in
Native language)
(intense music)
(Panther yells)
(axe whooshes)
(axes clash)
(blades ring)
(Panther yells)
(Panther grunts)
Neither man was ever
seen alive again.
(Wolf growls)
(axes clash)
Some say the Horned Wolf
still wanders these parts,
feeding on people,
his hunger not yet sated,
his hatred a burning fire,
a furnace of evil powering
an undead killing machine.
(ominous music)
Scary shit, eh?
Damn, Joe.
I just came by for some milk.
And your point is, exactly?
Listen, when you were saying
"we" fought the white man,
is that like a...
You're...
I don't wanna assume,
but, er, are you Native,
Native, Native American?
No.
I'm from Liverpool,
home of The Beatles.
But I fell in love with
a woman from these parts,
and she taught me her ways.
When she passed over,
I stayed on and
bought this place.
I'm just gonna go get some milk.
[Joe] Yeah, you do that.
And it's an honor to work here.
No offenses to any culture.
That's what Custer said.
Go get your milk.
I'll keep an eye out
for the horny wolf.
Horned Wolf!
That...
And the Wendigo!
Yeah, that one.
And the Chupacabra!
Him too!
Suck your face right off!
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield grunts)
Come on!
Come on!
Sheriff.
Josey.
Pay him no mind,
he's just sore 'cause his
horse didn't come back
at the track yesterday.
He told me he was feeling fast!
Horses don't talk!
Says you!
Josey, I-I just stopped by
to pick up something
that I need,
which would be...
Uh, do you have milk?
Oh! Sure, we do.
It's in the back, you know,
in the refrigerator.
Of course, where it's cold.
That makes sense.
Good place for it.
(radio beeps)
[Doris] Sheriff, it's Doris!
Come in, Doris, just
picking up some milk.
[Doris] I found that
athlete's foot powder
you were looking for, hon.
Doris, Doris, I'm good on that.
[Doris] Also, them local
kids must have been drinking
up at the burial grounds again.
We got an anonymous tip.
Strange noises in the night.
They're messing with forces
they just can't comprehend.
Thanks for that, Joe.
Copy that, Doris.
Doom awaits you up
there in those woods!
Lots of people have gone
missing over the years.
Smarter looking people than you.
(haunting flute music)
Listen, Josey, if you
need anything at all,
I'm new in town,
and all you have
to do is just...
Call the police?
That's right. That's me.
So yeah, just call the police,
and I'll probably pick it up.
Sure thing, Sheriff.
All right.
Well, see you later.
See ya.
And the milk.
Right, right.
Of course, the milk in the back.
Joe, you have a
great day, all right?
The wind whispers to me
of terrible things
on the horizon.
Or not.
Why do I have a feeling you
don't like me very much?
Terrible things!
(car zooms by)
(tense fiddle music)
(upbeat bluegrass music)
(radio chatter)
Can I help you, Officer?
Yes, sir.
You're aware you were
speeding back there?
Really?
Nope, I don't think I was.
120 miles per hour.
That's a little
too fast anywhere.
I'll have to see your
license and registration.
Okay.
License.
And registration.
(tense music)
My name's Sheriff Tim Hatfield.
I'm new in town.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have
to see some real license
and registration.
Okay.
(tense music)
Barf.
Homer Barf.
Thank you.
Are we in trouble, sugar?
Hush up, Dana.
It's Susan, thank you very much!
Say it with me, "Susan."
Whatever! Just zip it!
You don't even
know my name, do you?
Mr. Barf, is
this your vehicle?
It is my daddy's.
Uh-huh. Who's your dad?
(Homer and Susan laugh)
Well, he's only the
man who ran this town.
What do you guys do in town?
Well, if you must know,
I am in fact a painter.
Oh.
Ma'am?
I am an exotic dancer.
I work on Thursdays and Sundays
over at the Happy Beaver,
down on McAllister.
You should come by
some time, Sheriff.
Uh...
we'll see.
Can I go now, or do
you two need a room?
Well, unfortunately, Mr. Barf,
I'm gonna have to
write you a citation.
Well, you just opened
up Pandora's case, buddy.
It's Pandora's box, silly.
Whatever.
There you are.
For the sake of
others and yourselves,
please be careful on the roads.
All right?
We'll be seeing
you around, Officer.
That's for sure.
(tense flute music)
(epic Western music)
(epic Western music continues)
He just jumped
right in front of me.
There's nothing I could do.
He just came springing
out of the woods?
Ahem!
Technically, we don't assign
gender to our animals.
Say what?
Well, we don't wanna
accidentally misgender this moose.
The moose?
Yeah, National Park Service
protocol, as of January.
Animals can be
non-gender too, you know?
Frogs, jellyfish, and the like.
Well, missy, those are
some pretty big balls
on that genderless moose.
(truck driver laughs)
All right.
Let's not talk about
the balls on the moose.
Ma'am, what's a non-male moose?
That would be a birthing moose.
What about my truck?
Killed by a genderless moose.
Well, we'll take care of
your truck, sir, I promise.
It'll be all right.
Brokeback moose.
Now, okay.
So, let's take said not-birthing
moose and move it off.
Hmm?
Yeah?
You all right there, bud?
(tense flute music)
(bombastic orchestral music)
(bombastic orchestral
music continues)
Oh, Wally, you're not gonna
believe what just happened.
You hear that?
(birds chirping)
That's the sound of
nothing stupid happening.
I don't hear anything.
But Wally, listen, there's
a new sheriff in town.
And guess what?
He gave me a ticket!
Can you believe that?
Were you speeding?
A little bit.
In daddy's car?
Maybe.
Were you picking
up hookers again?
No, Wally. I swear.
I'm a painter now.
Yeah, I've seen your paintings.
It looks like a bear
got into the paint cans
and shat himself.
It's called being
an expressionist.
An expression out
of a bear's ass.
You always put me down.
We are family, you know?
Yeah, and so was Fredo.
Daddy would want you
to treat me with respect.
Daddy put me in charge.
I'm the lawyer.
You failed the test 13 times.
You thought prepping for the bar
was honing up on
your cocktail skills.
Now I need you to quiet
down and get over here.
Behold, dipshit,
your father's legacy.
Our inheritance.
A dollhouse?
No, you idiot.
It's a design for our very own
hotel-casino-resort property.
Barf Towers!
Will there be hot tubs?
Easy, boy!
It's a very delicate
operation here.
If we do well here
in Pokie County,
then we'll have a line of Barf
Towers all coast to coast.
What about a dance club?
Will there be a disco?
There's just one problem.
Tiny. Really insignificant.
It's me again, isn't it?
No, it's the heritage folks.
(brief flute music)
I don't follow?
There's a shocker.
What's stopping us?
An old Viking burial site.
Here, where we're
scheduled to dig.
Apparently, those
stupid Vikings used
to bury their folks up there.
Animals!
Idiots!
Somebody oughta really
do something about it,
make that burial site a
piece of ancient history.
Wally, let me
do it! I can help!
No, this is a job
for professionals.
Men with resolve.
Well, Daddy once said that
if a man's old enough
to have babies,
then he's old enough
to create an empire,
through his children.
Daddy may be gone,
but I am Daddy's children,
and I have a baby-maker!
Are you high?
No, not intentionally.
Come on, Wally. Gimme a chance.
Wally...
(pensive music)
(Wally retches)
What's the point of all
this hotel legacy stuff
if I didn't do
anything to earn it?
Let me do this one thing,
to prove that I love you.
It's simple enough,
hypothetically speaking.
Don't screw this up!
He did say I have a
knack for wrecking things.
(unsettling music)
No!
(exaggerated yodeling music)
(model clatters)
(exaggerated yodeling
music continues)
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield sighs)
Ahem.
Long day?
Yeah. You could say that.
[Doris] Sheriff, city
towing says they're backed up
till this afternoon.
Well, Doris, we can't have
that carcass on the road.
We gotta get that off ASAP.
-[Doris] Copy that.
-I did tell them.
And?
[Doris] They recommended
a chainsaw in the meanwhile.
Over.
A chainsaw?
Do you know how nasty that is?
We'll be carving that
thing up till Thanksgiving.
[Doris] Oh, and Sheriff?
That balding treatment
shampoo you ordered came in.
You know, the
prescription-strength stuff
you had me find. Over?
Doris, I think we're
good on that one.
[Doris] Sure thing, hon.
Thank you.
(Hatfield chuckles)
The hat, it kind of
pushes back on the hair.
And it's not a real
problem, but...
Ahem.
Was there something you needed?
[Joe] Some milk perhaps?
No.
Well, yeah, I did...
I needed...
I need something.
Headphones.
Headphones.
(Hatfield laughs)
That's what I needed.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Uh, nice cat.
Screaming Panther.
He fought the Horned Wolf
to avenge his beloved.
Or so the story goes.
Joe mentioned that, yeah.
It's just a myth, but I like it.
It's kind of romantic.
It is kind of
romantic, isn't it?
Will that be all?
Yeah, I...
Come on, man!
I mean, it's nice that y'all
are having a moment, but...
I'll add it to your tab.
Thank you.
I can help the next customer.
Hey, how you doing?
Hi.
(quirky suspense music)
(crickets chirrup)
(Homer grunts)
(car zooms in the distance)
(footsteps crunch)
(owl hoots)
(Homer grunts)
(comedic ninja music)
(Homer grunts)
(quirky suspense music)
(footsteps crunch)
(Homer yells)
(Homer pants)
(Homer grunts)
Dumb Vikings.
(Homer chuckles)
(gasoline pours)
(uneasy music)
Stupid stuff!
(Homer grunts)
(flare sizzles loudly)
(explosion cracks)
(Homer screams)
(explosion rumbles)
(tense music)
What the heck!
(menacing, dark music)
(fire crackling)
(Homer yells, trembling)
(Loki growls)
(Homer yells, trembling)
(menacing, dark music)
(fire crackling)
(horn blares)
Oh, shit!
(Homer yells)
(Homer pants)
What are those things?
Oh!
My eyebrows!
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
(engine starts)
(engine revs)
(Loki sighs deeply)
(uneasy music)
(insects buzz)
Once my uncle
finishes his new hotel,
I'll be the floor manager.
I'll be the third or fourth
most powerful man in town.
Well, that'll be good.
Yeah, it will be.
So what do you say we, uh,
take it all the way
to third base tonight?
I'm not that kind of girl.
You're not?
Not until we're married.
(Eddie laughs)
Married?
I'm not marrying a
waitress, you dummy.
Well, then I guess
you better take me home,
Mr. Floor Manager.
Not without a
little sugar first...
Get off me!
(indistinct rumbles)
(campfire explodes)
What the hell is that?
[Girlfriend] Who are they?
[Eddie] I'll go have a look.
You stay put.
What?
Do you think they're
gonna put out
for some towel and soap?
No.
But I don't want them to
be axe murderers either.
(mysterious ritual music)
(mysterious ritual
music continues)
Oh, lookie here,
it's Halloween!
Ooh! Gee!
Your face looks like
a frog's ass, lady.
Hey! Hey, get off me!
(girlfriend gasps)
(Eddie grunts)
Look! What the hell is that?
What the...?
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki growls)
(Eddie screams)
(Eddie screams)
(Loki grunts)
(ax strikes)
(body hits ground)
No! No! No!
(tense brassy music)
(footsteps crunch)
(girlfriend screams)
(glass crashes)
(girlfriend screams)
(girlfriend cries)
(suspenseful music)
(birds chirping)
[Joe] It's not safe
up here, Sheriff,
especially at night.
How'd you guys
hear about all this?
A bird told me.
Uh-huh.
So I got Josey to
drive me up here.
I thought you might
need some protection.
You're enabling this nonsense?
He knows what
he's talking about.
I'll get a statement,
and hopefully somebody
at the department
speaks woodpecker.
(uneasy music)
Huh...
What is it?
-These tire tracks.
-Burnt rubber.
And it's obvious they
sped off in a hurry.
They look pretty familiar.
I think I know exactly
who was down here.
Who was it?
Can you guys just get back
to the store where it's safe?
What's so safe about stores?
Lots of people die in stores.
Just not here, all right?
(foreboding music)
You'd think they
would know better
than to mess with
burial grounds.
You think maybe it was high
school kids out drinking?
I thought I told you guys
to go back to the store?
This is an active crime scene.
(foreboding music)
Now what?
Death has come to Pokie.
Could you be a little
more specific, Joe?
[Doris] Sheriff,
I got a dead body up
by Lover's Lane, over!
Told you.
What is it, dispatch?
[Doris] Some
jogger phoned it in.
Mrs. Francine Bates said
she found a dead man!
Right. I'm on my way.
Thank you, Doris.
[Doris] Oh, and Sheriff,
I picked up that plunger
you said you needed
from the hardware store.
No, no, no! Doris, Doris.
I don't think that was me.
Ahem.
We'll handle that later. Copy.
I've gotta go.
Evidently quite a lot.
Just do me a favor and
steer clear of the area.
I've got it from here.
(bird squawks)
(bird droppings splat)
(tense guitar music)
And so it begins!
(intense music)
(uneasy music)
(wildlife calling)
(birds chirp, insects buzz)
(camera shutter snaps)
What do we got, Dorsett?
(deputy gulps)
Sorry, sir.
It's just none of
us have ever seen
a murdered person before.
-That's all right.
-That's all right.
Pull it together, man.
Any witnesses?
The girlfriend.
We sent her down to St.
John's for observation.
She says some kind of...
some kind of fancy
dressed Vikings did this.
Fancy dressed Vikings?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir.
(deputy retches)
All right.
Just...
Oh, my God!
Try not to go everywhere on it.
Sorry, sir.
They really...
really dressed for
the part, didn't they?
-The killer.
-Mm-hmm.
Quite a character.
I don't know what's
going on in this place.
You know, I knew him.
The Viking?
The victim, I mean.
He was gonna be the floor
manager at Barf Towers
once it was finished.
He promised me a free bathrobe.
You'll be all right.
Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
You got it.
(deputy retches)
Oh, Lord!
(deputy coughs)
I'll get you a bathrobe.
Don't worry about it.
When did I eat carrots?
Watch out, sir.
Come on, Dorsett!
(brooding detective music)
(uneasy music)
Hello!
In here!
(brooding detective music)
(door creaks)
(quirky suspense music)
(quirky suspense
music continues)
(quirky suspense
music continues)
Welcome to Barf Manor!
Mr. Barf?
(footsteps tap)
I'd offer you a drink,
but you're obviously on duty.
(beverage pours)
(glass clinks)
Say, aren't you that new sheriff
that ticketed my
brother for speeding?
The very same, in fact.
Actually, I have some bad news.
Unfortunately, Edward
Muntz was discovered dead.
Eddie?
Yes.
Since you're next of kin,
I'm gonna have to ask you
to come down to the morgue
and identify the body.
When I say morgue, I
mean, we have him on ice
at the convenience store.
We got defunded.
Murdered? By whom?
Some kids dressed up
in Halloween outfits,
looking like Viking berserkers.
(Wally sputters whiskey)
(Wally coughs)
Ahem!
You don't say.
Peculiar.
Terrifying, actually.
(uneasy music)
Mr. Barf,
you okay?
He will be missed.
Well, I know it's
unfortunate timing,
but I'm gonna have to ask
to talk to Homer as well,
if he's around.
Well, he's not feeling well.
And once he hears this
news, he's a delicate soul.
Perhaps another time.
I don't want to make it formal,
but I'm gonna have to insist.
It'll only be a few questions.
Fine.
Come with me.
(brooding music)
Homer? It's your brother.
I'm here with the sheriff.
Got a couple questions for you.
[Homer] Go away! I'm busy!
We're coming in.
(intense music sting)
Careful now, we have guests!
I saw him...
crawl out of the ground...
but I have a surprise for him!
Easy, Homer.
Put the gun down!
Paint is for paintin',
not for sniffin' again.
I know!
(Homer cries)
Is there something
different about you?
Did you get a haircut?
Shut up!
How about you leave
the gun on the ground
and show us what you're
painting back there?
You wanna see it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
Let's see what you got.
(pensive music)
Wow...
Homer...
Ahem.
I'll put out an
APB ASAP on that.
Where'd you see that figure?
Was it down at the
ancient burial grounds,
the Viking burial grounds?
It wasn't?
It was?
No.
No, I've never, never heard
of those grounds before.
Why would it be down
at the burial grounds?
Strip club, maybe.
You didn't see that
at the strip club?
No, uh...
No.
Okay.
Well, I'll do an APB
on this, and yeah.
I heard you talking
about Cousin Eddie.
Is he...
everything okay?
Now that-
He's fine.
He's fine. He says hello.
Liar!
(tense music)
His momma's kind of dumb.
She thought Monty Python
was a performing snake.
Let's go ahead and get going.
We'll be back.
Now, Homer,
just don't touch any outlets.
Keep clear of that paint.
(light tense music)
(dramatic flute music)
Joe, I got Mr. Barf here
to identify the body.
Mr. Barf.
Got killed with
an axe, didn't he?
Now, why did you
look in that body bag
after I told you not to?
I didn't.
I've been sat on this
porch all day as per.
What, a squirrel tell you then?
Why don't you ask one?
Come on, I don't
have time for this.
It's the Horned Wolf, you know!
His grave was desecrated
by someone in this town,
and now he's after blood!
Aagh! He says
all kinds of stuff.
(uneasy music)
Well, obviously, I
can't see his face.
Sorry, man. That is this one.
(Wally groans)
(Wally retches)
Mm. That...
that's Cousin Eddie, all right.
Now, I was gonna give him
a job in the parking lot.
Not anymore.
Why?
Well, because he wasn't
qualified to empty the ashtrays.
No, no, no!
Why did somebody
want to murder him?
Who can say? A
true murder mystery.
[Doris] Sheriff, coroner's
report just came in
on that boy Muntz, over?
(tense music)
And?
[Doris] Autopsy report
concludes victim died
as a result of a
large ax to the face.
Yes, Doris.
We all knew that.
Is there anything else?
[Doris] That's it. Over.
All right.
Well, hit me back whenever
you do have something
that we don't all know.
Mr. Barf...
can I be honest with you?
I think your brother was at
the burial grounds last night,
and I think he
knows a little more
about Cousin Eddie's
predicament than you or I.
And now, all I need is a motive.
Do you realize how
many jobs I'm bringing
to this dilapidated community,
the affluence alone?
Now that's a fancy
word for money, boy.
Oh, I know what it means.
And now, I know a motive.
You ain't got diddly.
I got that your father's car was
at the burial
grounds last night,
and that your brother
lost his eyebrows
and his mind since
I've seen him last.
Obviously, a cooking accident
when he was making waffles.
Waffles?
You are playing a
dangerous game, Mr. Barf.
You ever read Kipling?
"Rikki-Tikki-Tavi"?
In fact, I have.
I'm the mongoose.
I'm the mongoose!
You sure about that?
You calling me a snake?
Fellas!
Can we finish this up outside?
I'd like to close
up for the evening.
(foreboding music)
In what movie does
Robert De Niro say,
"Talking to me"?
I...
"Star Wars".
Homer!
You have to play right!
(evil music)
What is the capital of Iceland?
The North Pole.
So close. No.
F that card.
Get outta my face! Who cares?
I'm gonna die tonight anyways.
It doesn't matter.
Will you stop that negativity?
I'll protect you.
You?
Protect me?
(Homer laughs)
No.
What are you gonna do?
Offer it a lap dance?
It's married, as
far as I can tell.
Twice over!
Well, no need to be rude.
What about the police?
The police?
You saw the sheriff,
Officer Hatfield!
You feel safer now?
(Loki growls)
Oh!
Did you hear that?
Damn zombie Apache out there!
Well, technically
around these parts,
it would be a Mohawk,
but since you desecrated
a Viking site,
it's probably a
zombie Viking, hon.
What?
Oh!
You burned down a
Viking burial site,
not an Indian one.
Oh, so you're some expert
on how to cook up a
freaking zombie, huh?
Did you get your PhD
on zombie physics?
All right! Calm down!
You're giving me
a headache. Jeez!
(upbeat music)
(Homer breaks wind)
Oh!
Homer, what is wrong with you?
That is disgusting!
[Homer] I'm sorry.
I'm nervous, I can't help it.
Oh, no! I need some fresh air.
I can't-
Out there?
You're gonna go out there?
Have you listened to one
word I have said, woman?
Relax!
I'll be right back.
(ominous music)
(footsteps crunch)
Oh, would you look at that?
He wasn't kidding.
It sure does look married.
(Loki growls softly)
(tense, ritualistic music)
(hypnotic flute music)
No, no, no! What
is that music?
What is...?
What is happening to my body?
Oh! My head!
Oh, my head!
No! No! Stop that!
Stop that!
(door creaks)
(door closes)
Hon?
(knife screeches
on cutting board)
(footsteps tap)
Hon, could you grab me a beer
while you're in the kitchen?
(tense, ritualistic music)
Hon?
(intense music sting)
(dramatic music)
(Homer screams)
(hypnotic flute music)
(menacing, dark music)
(Homer moans)
(surreal mix of flute
and country music)
Oh God, Zombies!
(upbeat country music)
(Homer yells, trembling)
Oh, God!
(zombies grunt)
(Susan yells)
(upbeat country music)
(zombies grunt)
(glass shatters)
(blows thud)
(Susan grunts)
(knife whooshes)
Stupid!
(upbeat country music)
(Homer yells)
(Homer grunts)
(Homer pants)
(suspenseful music)
(Homer yells)
Ah!
(intense music)
(door bangs and rattles)
What's the number?
9-1-1.
(ring back tone)
Yes!
There are zombies
raiding my fridge!
(hypnotic flute music)
(thunder rumbles)
(menacing, dark music)
(horn blares)
(doorknob rattles)
(axe whooshes)
(thunder rumbles)
No, no! We can't, Josey.
What would Joe think?
(Hatfield giggles)
Well, who cares what
he thinks, right?
Yeah.
How about we steal a
couple of jugs of milk
and see where it goes?
That'd be great.
[Doris] Sheriff, we got a 911
call from the Barf property,
assault in progress, with
a deadly weapon, over!
Copy that! Copy that!
Ahem!
Dispatch,
I'm on my way.
You didn't hear anything
about jugs of milk, did you?
(uneasy music)
(footsteps tap)
Hello?
Hello?
(fireplace crackling softly)
(uneasy music)
(uneasy music continues)
Oh, my God.
(ominous music)
Homer?
Mr. Barf?
(door creaks)
(floorboards creak)
(dog howls in the distance)
(door creaks)
(uneasy music)
(uneasy music continues)
(uneasy music continues)
(Susan moans like a zombie)
Stay right where you are!
(Susan pants)
No! Please!
Sheriff, please don't shoot!
Take it easy, take it easy.
It's all right. It's all right.
What happened here?
I must have banged my head,
and then I had the
worst nightmare.
It's all right. It's okay.
All right, all right.
Well, you're okay.
So everything's all
right, all right?
Okay. If you say so, Officer.
(unsettling music)
(doorknob rattles)
(Homer yells)
(gun bangs)
Homer!
Is everybody okay?
(tense music)
Give me that gun, Homer!
I'm sorry, Mr. Policeman.
Homer, what is wrong with you?
I can ask you
that same question.
Why'd you cut off my fingers?
What kind of an insane
person would do that?
Ma'am, did you
cut off his fingers?
No.
I was...
I blacked out, when the stranger
played his flute for me.
His flute?
Uh-huh.
What is that,
code for something?
(brief flute music)
Did you have relations
with that dead Indian man?
(Susan gasps)
How dare you!
And he's Swedish.
Well, you are a sleepwalking,
knife-welding psychopath!
That's enough!
I've had enough of all this!
Okay?
You!
Sit down!
I'm out of here!
(Homer grunts)
I hate her.
Homer, just sit down, okay?
Okay, but whatever have I done?
Well, let's start with the
part where you almost shot us!
That's a good part, hmm?
Does this mean I'm
going to prison again?
That remains to
be unseen, Homer.
Can you start by telling me
what the hell happened here?
Okay, so these zombies,
they came in and
they attacked us,
then they punched Susan
right in her face.
Which she did
deserve, by the way.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I know how that must sound.
(footsteps tap)
(tense music)
What?
Homer used up all the
toilet paper on his hand.
Oh gee, I wonder why?
Okay.
Can we just get back
to the intruder?
Can you tell me
what they look like?
I told you. Zombies.
They were dressed like
fancy-dressed Indians.
Like the one I had
painted. You saw it?
He means Vikings.
Yeah, they may
have been Vikings,
but they were also,
in fact, dead.
If that makes any sense?
No, it makes no sense at all!
So, you were hiding
in the bathroom, huh?
My hero.
Oh, hon.
I know you may have some
questions right now,
but if you're not too
busy in the meantime,
you can help find
my missing fingers!
Homer, do you know
where they could be?
What? My fingers?
No!
The zombies, Homer!
Yeah, they told me
they were going bowling.
How the hell would I know?
All right.
Well, let me go to the station.
You guys stay here
and lock the door!
I'm not leaving until
I find my fingers.
Okay, fine! Just stay here!
I'll grab a med kit,
and leave it to the
adults, all right?
(Susan sighs)
('70s funky music)
I'm living my life
on a knife edge
Can't you see by
my worry lines
I'm trying to get
my thoughts in line
Gonna need just a
little more time
This ain't a cry
for redemption
I haven't led a life
too sad to mention
Just trying to
catch my peers
Who've been ahead
for all these years
Paying now for
things I've done
They didn't like
what I'd become
Now you see what vibe I'm on
It won't be long
before I've won
(Wally vocalizes)
Yeah, yeah
Hey
(mysterious ritual music)
(hypnotic flute plays)
(woman moans hoarsely)
(mysterious ritual music)
(mysterious ritual
music continues)
(maiden 1 growls)
(Wally screams)
(Wally yells, trembling)
(Wally screams)
(menacing, dark music)
(Wally screams)
(Wally screams)
(Loki growls)
(axe whooshes)
(unsettling music)
(overly dramatic music sting)
(engine growls)
(tires squeal)
(engine revs)
(car hits with heavy thud)
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki roars ferociously)
Let me in! Let me in!
Wally, what
happened to your hair?
Oh, there's not
enough time for that.
You're not gonna believe,
there's a scary thing out there!
Scary killer thingy out there!
I don't know! I ain't got time!
Where's that chef?
He went into town to grab
some medicine for Homer's hand.
[Wally] What in the
hell happened in here?
We were talked by
dead Scandinavians!
Ah, join the club.
They almost got me in town.
But, Wally, I don't understand,
where'd your hair go?
Not now, boy! Not now!
You really thought
that toupee was real?
Really? This whole time?
Well, what do they want with us?
Well, I'm guessing
they think the land by
the waterfalls is theirs.
But they've had their time.
This is mine...
That land is ours by
the right of conquest!
The strong people take what
they want, when they want!
That's just the way it is.
All this for a stupid hotel?
Hotel resort spa, thank you!
You're a monster!
Am I? Then what
is that out there?
(intense music)
Vengeance!
(radio chatter)
(tense music)
Josey?
Joe?
(unsettling music)
What happened?
Oh, my God.
(Joe yells aggressively)
(Hatfield screams)
Damn it, Joe!
Sorry.
I thought you were
one of them things.
I told you those things are
just people
masquerading as Vikings,
taking advantage of
killing people around town.
It's not the boogeyman.
It's not voodoo.
Haven't you seen "Scooby-Doo"?
(uneasy music)
They took her, Sheriff.
They just came in the middle
of the night and took her.
You know, I reckon the
Horned Wolf intends
to make Josey his bride,
by the light of
the next full moon!
Joe, that's at least
in a couple days!
We gotta call this in.
This is FBI. This
is state troopers.
This is anything but me.
I mean, this is arson, murder,
kidnapped with intent to marry!
There's no time for that.
I mean, besides, you
can't kill something
that's already dead.
(Hatfield sighs)
Where do you think
they're taking her?
His old burial
ground was destroyed.
He'll find a new one,
I reckon somewhere deep inside
his old hunting territory.
[Doris] Sheriff, we
got reports of gunfire
up at Barf Lodge, over!
-Copy that, Doris.
-I'm on my way.
Yeah, me too.
No! We talked about this.
You stay here, Joe.
Look, you need me, Sheriff!
I mean, bullets are
no use against them!
Bullets are gonna be just fine.
I don't wanna hear any more
about the circle of life,
or all that the trees
are talking about, okay?
-Trees are stupid.
-Everyone knows that.
If you wanna know what's going
on, you talk to the wind!
(tense music)
What did I just say?
You're making a
big mistake, Sheriff!
Okay, everyone ready?
What 1981 film, starring
Henry and Jane Fonda,
won Best Picture that year?
Will you shut your pie hole?
No. On "Golden Pond."
Why is she even here?
Hey, that's my girl!
You don't talk to her that way!
(electricity buzzes)
Power's out!
[Wally] No shit!
Go check the breakers, genius.
[Homer] Why me?
[Wally] Because
you're a grown, man,
with the full set of
testicles, remember?
(quirky suspense music)
(Homer yells)
Why am I doing this?
(uneasy music)
(electricity buzzes)
Oh!
It's not supposed
to look like that.
(hypnotic flute music)
(Susan snores)
How in the hell
can that girl sleep
through something like this?
(upbeat country music)
Wally!
I can't control myself!
(Homer grunts)
Oh!
Homer, what are you doing?
Wally!
-What is it?
-He's doing some dark ritual!
-Help!
-What is that,
a dance from high school?
(Homer grunts)
I can't control my hands!
Wally!
Come on, are you having a spell?
Wally!
Brother!
Homer!
Help!
(hypnotic flute music)
Wally!
Help me!
-Hey you!
-(gun bangs)
That's my brother!
Homer!
Homer!
Come back here!
Where are you going?
Come back here!
Uh-huh.
That's it.
I am done with this family.
There's some sort
of kinky Norse crap.
Oh, my gosh!
(unsettling Western music)
(footsteps tap)
Ma'am, everything all right?
Yeah. Hey sugar.
It's just those crazy boys
at it again, you know?
Too much booze and testosterone,
not enough common sense.
Are they inside?
Oh, no, no, no!
They ran off into
the woods somewhere
just shooting at
each other again.
Where are you going?
Do you need a ride?
-No, don't worry.
-I'm gonna see...
No, I'm gonna borrow Homer's
car, because he said I could,
and you don't have to
look into it, okay?
Thanks.
(tense music)
(Hatfield sighs)
Honey!
I just wanted to say, please
be careful out there, okay?
We don't have enough good
men in this town like you,
and we really can't afford
to lose another one.
(pensive Western music)
All right.
Let's go.
(unsettling music)
(footsteps tap)
I never thought
I'd see you again.
Certainly not alive.
If I'm gonna kill this thing,
I'm gonna need some supplies.
Look, you're not gonna
last 10 minutes out there
without the proper stuff.
-Like what? Garlic?
-Silver bullets?
Toilet paper.
Unless you wanna wipe
your ass with your hand?
Look, you need me.
Josey needs me.
She was working for
me when they took her!
Fine!
Get in the car.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's the end of the
line for undead Vikings.
They're serial killers.
They're not Vikings
or zombies, okay?
Serial-killing zombies!
You don't take meds, do you?
What are you talking about?
Well, we're just gonna
be out there for a while.
I don't want you to
miss a dose or anything.
Are you kidding?
Let's kill these things.
(quirky music)
Wally?
Wally?
Homer?
Where are you?
Homer?
The zombie's after us!
Homer! Homer!
Wally!
Homer.
Where have you been?
(hypnotic flute music)
Wally, I can't move my foot.
What the hell?
What is happening?
Stop it!
Wally, help!
Help!
Wally!
No!
(playful, disorienting music)
I don't know
what's going on here!
I don't know!
Help! Help me!
Wally!
What's happening?
I don't know!
(magical music)
(waves rustle)
(tense militaristic music)
[Hatfield] You sure you can
track 'em through these woods?
Do you want to try?
What does the wind say?
The wind says, it's smart
to travel with a simpleton.
The Horned Wolf will
not be expecting that.
Who's the simpleton?
(tense flute music)
Where do we get the simpleton?
You know, before
all this started,
before all the killing,
I was gonna ask
Josey out for a beer.
Lucky her.
What stopped you?
I just didn't think she was
into me like that, you know?
I didn't think I had a chance.
Your competition has
been dead 300 years
and smells of old
leaves and turds.
So you do think I have a chance?
Can I ask you something?
What did we do
around these parts
to qualify for such
an esteemed lawman?
You mean, how did I get here?
Yeah, how did you get here?
Well, that's pretty simple.
I was working in a
major metropolis,
and that will remain anonymous.
Doris says Denver.
Yeah. Yes, it was Denver.
Anyways, I was assigned to
help a cat out of a tree.
And I figured, this is usually
something for animal control,
but I think I'll save the day.
Yeah, like Superman.
(confident music)
(cat meows)
Ma'am, did you
call about the cat?
Yeah, my cat, he's
been up there for hours.
I don't know what to do.
My dad's gonna kill me.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Okay.
Just step back
for me real quick.
Here we go.
(Hatfield grunts)
Come on!
(cat meows)
(Hatfield grunts)
(cat meows)
It's a nice cat, right?
No, he bites.
(cat yowls)
(dog barks)
(dogs bark and growl, cat yowls)
My cat!
Um...
So not like Superman.
Not at all.
Hmmm.
What's the "hmmm" about?
Oh, I wouldn't tell Josey that.
She kind of likes cats.
I like cats.
Ever killed anything
bigger than a cat?
No. Why?
Because we're hunting a
flesh-eating creature from hell.
Not Mr. Pickles.
Who's Mr. Pickles?
(gentle guitar music)
(Joe vocalizes)
Seem to whisper soft
and very, very low
You are my heart's desire
You're the one that
I adore, Melody
Oh, Melody
That is beautiful, Joe.
Ah, it's an old song,
which like me will soon
be gone from the world.
Me and my wife used to sing
it around the campfire.
I didn't know you were married.
She was Cherokee.
When she passed away,
I couldn't bring myself
to leave the place.
Every tree, every leaf
reminds me of her.
So I stayed on and
bought the store.
She always wanted a store.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's all good.
I'll see her again soon enough.
Listen, let's make
camp here, okay?
You get some firewood.
I'll make a start on the tent.
Sounds good.
(haunting flute music)
Joe, I found some firewood.
You're eating?
Did you find some berries?
No.
A lot of mushrooms
down by a stream.
You want some?
You don't get out in
nature much, do you?
Not really.
Why?
They're death caps.
(tense flute music)
Death caps?
Is that a bad thing?
They don't call
them "life caps"!
I thought it was the red ones
you were supposed to avoid!
Yeah. I wouldn't
eat them either!
(Hatfield sputters)
Joe, I ate a lot
of these things.
What's gonna happen,
what are we gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna build a fire.
Your bum's gonna start
screaming like an angry bear
who's caught and
tortured, in a zip.
And then we'll find help.
How long...?
(solemn organ music)
(stomach growls)
Oh!
(Hatfield groans)
(retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(retro rock-organ
music continues)
(retro rock-organ music
layered with fiddle)
(Hatfield hoots incoherently)
(retro rock-organ music
layered with fiddle continues)
(Hatfield breaks wind)
[Joe] Maybe next time save
that part for outside the tent?
(Hatfield breaks wind)
[Hatfield] Oh, sorry.
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield groans)
(Joe laughs)
You look like
you spent the night
up a grizzly bear's ass.
(Hatfield groans loudly)
Well, the irony is, Joe,
that I'd probably be safer
in a grizzly bear's ass.
It can be arranged.
-What?
-I'm just saying,
I know some.
I gotta go take a pee.
Get all this bad juju out.
Oh...
Oh!
(urine trickles)
(intense music sting)
(Hatfield screams)
(tense music)
Coffee?
(unsettling music)
So there's Wally.
Yep. Part of him.
Where's the rest?
I told you, it's
the Horned Wolf.
Joe, we're not hunting Dracula.
We're not hunting the Wolf Man.
We are hunting a man in a mask.
That's it!
Horned Wolf.
I put enough lead in this thing.
He's going down.
Whatever it is.
(tense militaristic music)
(Wally belches)
Ugh!
Joe, he's starting to belch!
It's just escaping gas.
(Wally breaks wind)
Oh, God! It's making me ill.
Can we just give it some
antacids or something?
I think he's a bit
past that, don't you?
We could always bury him.
No, we can't. He's evidence.
(suspenseful music)
(Josey grunts)
(menacing, dark music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
You used Wally as bait?
I certainly did.
It was either him or us!
There goes our evidence!
Shhh!
The creature must be close.
It means Josey is too.
And then what?
I don't know.
We take the
shield-maiden hostage,
use her as collateral, okay?
I'm going away.
I'm gonna try and circle
around and flank her.
(suspenseful music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
Great.
Dances with Prunes
is gonna flank her.
(intense music)
Get back to hell, demoness!
(bowstring snaps)
Oh!
Great, great plan, Joe.
(sinister music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
(Maiden 2 shrieks)
Kill her!
Dammit, Joe!
Kill her!
(gun bangs)
(body thuds)
Ah, see there,
a little lead goes
a long way, Joe.
(Hatfield yells)
(Maiden 2 growls)
Stop!
Get it off me! Get it off!
(Joe shouts)
Oh, God!
(Hatfield grunts)
There has gotta be an
explanation for that.
Crystal head...
meth head...
What? Crack head, something.
Whatever.
Help me tie it up.
We'll swap it for Josey.
Why do we gotta tie her up?
Because it's still alive!
Wait, Joe.
I just shot it five times and
kicked the crap out of it!
Look, how many crack
heads do you know
who can get shot five
times in the chest
and forget to bleed?
(tense music)
That's a good point, Joe.
Okay. Come on,
let's go to move on.
He'll have heard them shots.
That was good
shooting, by the way.
Well, I wish I could
say the same about yours.
Oh, whatever.
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki growls)
It's okay, babe.
I'm here. I saved you!
(Homer grunts)
Ow!
Whoa, whoa! Hang on, hang on!
Ow!
Ow!
No more! I said stop it!
I told you, I'm
here to save you.
Who the hell are you?
I've been asking myself
that same question as of late.
Ruminating, if you will.
(menacing, dark music)
Oh, no!
(axe whooshes)
You done mess
with the wrong dude!
I really think we should run.
No! Not this time, squirrel.
We will stay!
Hope you're ready for pain!
'Cause this forest has
changed me, molded me!
I've become death!
I read that in a Nat Geo once.
Die, zombie dick!
(Homer yells)
(Homer grunts)
Ow, my toe.
(sinister music)
(axe whooshes)
(Homer grunts)
That poor idiot...
(blows thud)
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music continues)
(menacing, dark music)
(Josey's voice
quavers with fear)
Hey!
Want your maiden back?
How about a trade?
(Maiden 2 growls)
(Maiden 2 grunts)
(blows thud)
(Joe screams)
(Loki roars)
Well, that went well.
I thought you said we
were going to trade.
Well, I thought you said
they couldn't be killed!
Well, you proved me
wrong, haven't you?
(Loki growls)
I think we can all agree that
this was a terrible mistake.
A tragedy!
(Loki growls)
He's not buying it.
You go save Josey.
I'll just take him to the river.
Good plan.
Oh, and Sheriff!
I was wrong about you.
You are a good man.
(handshake squelches)
Ugh.
Thanks, Joe.
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
Josey!
Be careful!
Don't worry.
The sheriff is leading
him towards the river.
Come on now.
Let's get you someplace safe.
I can't, I have
to help the sheriff!
Wait, Josey! It's not safe!
This is your idea, isn't it?
Yes, it is!
(suspenseful music)
(horn blares)
Oh!
A few more bullets
would've been nice.
(Hatfield grunts)
(Hatfield yells)
(Hatfield sputters)
(Hatfield groans)
(horn blares)
Oh, shit!
Come on, you big...
uh...
big...
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music continues)
(Loki growls)
I heard about your
little tricks.
I came prepared.
(Hatfield grunts)
(Hatfield yells)
(blow thuds)
(unsettling music)
(unsettling music continues)
Oh...
no!
(footsteps tap)
(Loki growls)
(menacing, dark music)
(helmet clangs)
(Loki grunts)
(Loki growls)
(blow thuds)
(Josey's voice
quavers with fear)
(suspenseful music)
(Loki growls)
(war drum music with chants)
(Loki growls)
(intense music)
(Panther yells)
Screaming Panther!
(Panther yells)
(axe whooshes)
(Panther yells)
(Panther yells)
(blows thud)
(knife whooshes)
(intense music)
(knife slashes)
(knife slashes)
(Panther grunts)
(axes clash)
(knife slashes)
(Panther grunts)
(Panther yells)
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music with
eerie instrumental undertones)
(upbeat country music)
(upbeat country music continues)
(triumphant orchestral music)
(Loki growls)
(body thuds)
(Panther yells)
(majestic cinematic music)
(water murmuring)
(gentle flute music)
(gentle flute music continues)
(gentle flute music continues)
(Josey sighs)
(water rippling)
(haunting flute music)
(haunting flute music continues)
(gentle music)
I thought I'd say hey
to my two favorite people.
[Joe] Really?
Well, let us know
when they get here.
You short on milk?
No, I'm actually doing
pretty good on milk.
Stocked full of it, actually.
And I'm lactose intolerant.
Hm.
What I really
would like to know is
if you'd like to
go out on a date.
Well, you did save the town
from the smelly
dead Scandinavians.
Oh, I had a little help.
Yeah. What am I, chopped wood?
You too, Joe!
I'm off tonight at seven.
Well that's perfect.
I'll see you then.
And don't worry.
Joe, we'll look out
for the Chupacabra!
(Josey giggles)
Don't worry, son,
you'll be fine.
The Spirit moves in all things.
I like that, Joe.
See that, my love, eh?
Love is everywhere.
You used to look
at me like that.
Yes, you did.
(upbeat country music)
Some came to
fight or run away
And lived to stand
again, they say
Hatred and dread and
fear is all around
Still we hear the sound
Men in steel
pound the ground
Still we hear the
sound, pound the ground
(instrumental break)
Out from the mountain
stood a lone little home
And from the dark
night come the day
(mumbles) I have bad news.
(car whooshes by)
It's a nice, quiet
car, don't you think?
They take our love away
They raise their flags
Zombie-killing...
(Joe laughs)
They take our love away
Raise their flags
and sail away
Homer, I'm gonna
be watching you!
They say they
came from far away
Across the fields and rivers
Your boom's gonna
start squeaking
like a rusty spring in
a (beep). Oh, bollocks!
Dressed in robes
of precious things
Who knows what
became of those
Who chose to stay
And those of us
who had to go
(Hatfield chuckles)
(both laugh)
(upbeat music)
Why
Ooh
Why
I've got so much
love to give
I've got so much
love to give, baby
Now what do you say
Why don't we spend
a while on it
A little bit of this
Take your time
and let it stew
A little bit of that
Take your time
and let it brew
Let it slowly simmer before
you bring it to a boil
Sprinkle it with sugar,
not to heavy on the oil
A touch of me and you
Bump the heat
but not too far
A little twist of ooh
And a pinch of ooh-la-la
A little bit of this
I'm giving you
the best of me
A little more of that
I'm cookin' up a recipe
A recipe for love
Standing on the crossroads
I've been waiting
to watch you change
Whoa
Bendin' over backwards
I've been hopin'
that we stay the same
Standing on the crossroads
I've been waiting
to watch you change
Whoa
Bendin' over backwards
I've been hopin'
that we stay the same
I've got so much
love to give
I've got so much
more to give, baby
Baby
Now what do you say
Why don't we spend
a while on it
A little dose of you,
then add what's left of me
A whole lot more of lovin'
(horn blares)
(majestic cinematic music)
(distant shout echoes)
People think that Custer
and his like were
the first white men
we saw in these parts,
but they'd be wrong.
For hundreds of years, the
Northmen raided our villages,
killing our people.
(footsteps splash)
They came from across the sea,
bringing only death
in their wake.
We fought them for centuries,
until eventually
only one remained,
the Horned Wolf, we called him.
They say he was forced
into the mountains
by a single brave,
(powerful orchestral music)
Screaming Panther.
The Panther cornered the Wolf
up in those mountain passes,
so they say.
And a mighty battle was fought.
(Panther shouts in
Native language)
(intense music)
(Panther yells)
(axe whooshes)
(axes clash)
(blades ring)
(Panther yells)
(Panther grunts)
Neither man was ever
seen alive again.
(Wolf growls)
(axes clash)
Some say the Horned Wolf
still wanders these parts,
feeding on people,
his hunger not yet sated,
his hatred a burning fire,
a furnace of evil powering
an undead killing machine.
(ominous music)
Scary shit, eh?
Damn, Joe.
I just came by for some milk.
And your point is, exactly?
Listen, when you were saying
"we" fought the white man,
is that like a...
You're...
I don't wanna assume,
but, er, are you Native,
Native, Native American?
No.
I'm from Liverpool,
home of The Beatles.
But I fell in love with
a woman from these parts,
and she taught me her ways.
When she passed over,
I stayed on and
bought this place.
I'm just gonna go get some milk.
[Joe] Yeah, you do that.
And it's an honor to work here.
No offenses to any culture.
That's what Custer said.
Go get your milk.
I'll keep an eye out
for the horny wolf.
Horned Wolf!
That...
And the Wendigo!
Yeah, that one.
And the Chupacabra!
Him too!
Suck your face right off!
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield grunts)
Come on!
Come on!
Sheriff.
Josey.
Pay him no mind,
he's just sore 'cause his
horse didn't come back
at the track yesterday.
He told me he was feeling fast!
Horses don't talk!
Says you!
Josey, I-I just stopped by
to pick up something
that I need,
which would be...
Uh, do you have milk?
Oh! Sure, we do.
It's in the back, you know,
in the refrigerator.
Of course, where it's cold.
That makes sense.
Good place for it.
(radio beeps)
[Doris] Sheriff, it's Doris!
Come in, Doris, just
picking up some milk.
[Doris] I found that
athlete's foot powder
you were looking for, hon.
Doris, Doris, I'm good on that.
[Doris] Also, them local
kids must have been drinking
up at the burial grounds again.
We got an anonymous tip.
Strange noises in the night.
They're messing with forces
they just can't comprehend.
Thanks for that, Joe.
Copy that, Doris.
Doom awaits you up
there in those woods!
Lots of people have gone
missing over the years.
Smarter looking people than you.
(haunting flute music)
Listen, Josey, if you
need anything at all,
I'm new in town,
and all you have
to do is just...
Call the police?
That's right. That's me.
So yeah, just call the police,
and I'll probably pick it up.
Sure thing, Sheriff.
All right.
Well, see you later.
See ya.
And the milk.
Right, right.
Of course, the milk in the back.
Joe, you have a
great day, all right?
The wind whispers to me
of terrible things
on the horizon.
Or not.
Why do I have a feeling you
don't like me very much?
Terrible things!
(car zooms by)
(tense fiddle music)
(upbeat bluegrass music)
(radio chatter)
Can I help you, Officer?
Yes, sir.
You're aware you were
speeding back there?
Really?
Nope, I don't think I was.
120 miles per hour.
That's a little
too fast anywhere.
I'll have to see your
license and registration.
Okay.
License.
And registration.
(tense music)
My name's Sheriff Tim Hatfield.
I'm new in town.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have
to see some real license
and registration.
Okay.
(tense music)
Barf.
Homer Barf.
Thank you.
Are we in trouble, sugar?
Hush up, Dana.
It's Susan, thank you very much!
Say it with me, "Susan."
Whatever! Just zip it!
You don't even
know my name, do you?
Mr. Barf, is
this your vehicle?
It is my daddy's.
Uh-huh. Who's your dad?
(Homer and Susan laugh)
Well, he's only the
man who ran this town.
What do you guys do in town?
Well, if you must know,
I am in fact a painter.
Oh.
Ma'am?
I am an exotic dancer.
I work on Thursdays and Sundays
over at the Happy Beaver,
down on McAllister.
You should come by
some time, Sheriff.
Uh...
we'll see.
Can I go now, or do
you two need a room?
Well, unfortunately, Mr. Barf,
I'm gonna have to
write you a citation.
Well, you just opened
up Pandora's case, buddy.
It's Pandora's box, silly.
Whatever.
There you are.
For the sake of
others and yourselves,
please be careful on the roads.
All right?
We'll be seeing
you around, Officer.
That's for sure.
(tense flute music)
(epic Western music)
(epic Western music continues)
He just jumped
right in front of me.
There's nothing I could do.
He just came springing
out of the woods?
Ahem!
Technically, we don't assign
gender to our animals.
Say what?
Well, we don't wanna
accidentally misgender this moose.
The moose?
Yeah, National Park Service
protocol, as of January.
Animals can be
non-gender too, you know?
Frogs, jellyfish, and the like.
Well, missy, those are
some pretty big balls
on that genderless moose.
(truck driver laughs)
All right.
Let's not talk about
the balls on the moose.
Ma'am, what's a non-male moose?
That would be a birthing moose.
What about my truck?
Killed by a genderless moose.
Well, we'll take care of
your truck, sir, I promise.
It'll be all right.
Brokeback moose.
Now, okay.
So, let's take said not-birthing
moose and move it off.
Hmm?
Yeah?
You all right there, bud?
(tense flute music)
(bombastic orchestral music)
(bombastic orchestral
music continues)
Oh, Wally, you're not gonna
believe what just happened.
You hear that?
(birds chirping)
That's the sound of
nothing stupid happening.
I don't hear anything.
But Wally, listen, there's
a new sheriff in town.
And guess what?
He gave me a ticket!
Can you believe that?
Were you speeding?
A little bit.
In daddy's car?
Maybe.
Were you picking
up hookers again?
No, Wally. I swear.
I'm a painter now.
Yeah, I've seen your paintings.
It looks like a bear
got into the paint cans
and shat himself.
It's called being
an expressionist.
An expression out
of a bear's ass.
You always put me down.
We are family, you know?
Yeah, and so was Fredo.
Daddy would want you
to treat me with respect.
Daddy put me in charge.
I'm the lawyer.
You failed the test 13 times.
You thought prepping for the bar
was honing up on
your cocktail skills.
Now I need you to quiet
down and get over here.
Behold, dipshit,
your father's legacy.
Our inheritance.
A dollhouse?
No, you idiot.
It's a design for our very own
hotel-casino-resort property.
Barf Towers!
Will there be hot tubs?
Easy, boy!
It's a very delicate
operation here.
If we do well here
in Pokie County,
then we'll have a line of Barf
Towers all coast to coast.
What about a dance club?
Will there be a disco?
There's just one problem.
Tiny. Really insignificant.
It's me again, isn't it?
No, it's the heritage folks.
(brief flute music)
I don't follow?
There's a shocker.
What's stopping us?
An old Viking burial site.
Here, where we're
scheduled to dig.
Apparently, those
stupid Vikings used
to bury their folks up there.
Animals!
Idiots!
Somebody oughta really
do something about it,
make that burial site a
piece of ancient history.
Wally, let me
do it! I can help!
No, this is a job
for professionals.
Men with resolve.
Well, Daddy once said that
if a man's old enough
to have babies,
then he's old enough
to create an empire,
through his children.
Daddy may be gone,
but I am Daddy's children,
and I have a baby-maker!
Are you high?
No, not intentionally.
Come on, Wally. Gimme a chance.
Wally...
(pensive music)
(Wally retches)
What's the point of all
this hotel legacy stuff
if I didn't do
anything to earn it?
Let me do this one thing,
to prove that I love you.
It's simple enough,
hypothetically speaking.
Don't screw this up!
He did say I have a
knack for wrecking things.
(unsettling music)
No!
(exaggerated yodeling music)
(model clatters)
(exaggerated yodeling
music continues)
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield sighs)
Ahem.
Long day?
Yeah. You could say that.
[Doris] Sheriff, city
towing says they're backed up
till this afternoon.
Well, Doris, we can't have
that carcass on the road.
We gotta get that off ASAP.
-[Doris] Copy that.
-I did tell them.
And?
[Doris] They recommended
a chainsaw in the meanwhile.
Over.
A chainsaw?
Do you know how nasty that is?
We'll be carving that
thing up till Thanksgiving.
[Doris] Oh, and Sheriff?
That balding treatment
shampoo you ordered came in.
You know, the
prescription-strength stuff
you had me find. Over?
Doris, I think we're
good on that one.
[Doris] Sure thing, hon.
Thank you.
(Hatfield chuckles)
The hat, it kind of
pushes back on the hair.
And it's not a real
problem, but...
Ahem.
Was there something you needed?
[Joe] Some milk perhaps?
No.
Well, yeah, I did...
I needed...
I need something.
Headphones.
Headphones.
(Hatfield laughs)
That's what I needed.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Uh, nice cat.
Screaming Panther.
He fought the Horned Wolf
to avenge his beloved.
Or so the story goes.
Joe mentioned that, yeah.
It's just a myth, but I like it.
It's kind of romantic.
It is kind of
romantic, isn't it?
Will that be all?
Yeah, I...
Come on, man!
I mean, it's nice that y'all
are having a moment, but...
I'll add it to your tab.
Thank you.
I can help the next customer.
Hey, how you doing?
Hi.
(quirky suspense music)
(crickets chirrup)
(Homer grunts)
(car zooms in the distance)
(footsteps crunch)
(owl hoots)
(Homer grunts)
(comedic ninja music)
(Homer grunts)
(quirky suspense music)
(footsteps crunch)
(Homer yells)
(Homer pants)
(Homer grunts)
Dumb Vikings.
(Homer chuckles)
(gasoline pours)
(uneasy music)
Stupid stuff!
(Homer grunts)
(flare sizzles loudly)
(explosion cracks)
(Homer screams)
(explosion rumbles)
(tense music)
What the heck!
(menacing, dark music)
(fire crackling)
(Homer yells, trembling)
(Loki growls)
(Homer yells, trembling)
(menacing, dark music)
(fire crackling)
(horn blares)
Oh, shit!
(Homer yells)
(Homer pants)
What are those things?
Oh!
My eyebrows!
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
(engine starts)
(engine revs)
(Loki sighs deeply)
(uneasy music)
(insects buzz)
Once my uncle
finishes his new hotel,
I'll be the floor manager.
I'll be the third or fourth
most powerful man in town.
Well, that'll be good.
Yeah, it will be.
So what do you say we, uh,
take it all the way
to third base tonight?
I'm not that kind of girl.
You're not?
Not until we're married.
(Eddie laughs)
Married?
I'm not marrying a
waitress, you dummy.
Well, then I guess
you better take me home,
Mr. Floor Manager.
Not without a
little sugar first...
Get off me!
(indistinct rumbles)
(campfire explodes)
What the hell is that?
[Girlfriend] Who are they?
[Eddie] I'll go have a look.
You stay put.
What?
Do you think they're
gonna put out
for some towel and soap?
No.
But I don't want them to
be axe murderers either.
(mysterious ritual music)
(mysterious ritual
music continues)
Oh, lookie here,
it's Halloween!
Ooh! Gee!
Your face looks like
a frog's ass, lady.
Hey! Hey, get off me!
(girlfriend gasps)
(Eddie grunts)
Look! What the hell is that?
What the...?
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki growls)
(Eddie screams)
(Eddie screams)
(Loki grunts)
(ax strikes)
(body hits ground)
No! No! No!
(tense brassy music)
(footsteps crunch)
(girlfriend screams)
(glass crashes)
(girlfriend screams)
(girlfriend cries)
(suspenseful music)
(birds chirping)
[Joe] It's not safe
up here, Sheriff,
especially at night.
How'd you guys
hear about all this?
A bird told me.
Uh-huh.
So I got Josey to
drive me up here.
I thought you might
need some protection.
You're enabling this nonsense?
He knows what
he's talking about.
I'll get a statement,
and hopefully somebody
at the department
speaks woodpecker.
(uneasy music)
Huh...
What is it?
-These tire tracks.
-Burnt rubber.
And it's obvious they
sped off in a hurry.
They look pretty familiar.
I think I know exactly
who was down here.
Who was it?
Can you guys just get back
to the store where it's safe?
What's so safe about stores?
Lots of people die in stores.
Just not here, all right?
(foreboding music)
You'd think they
would know better
than to mess with
burial grounds.
You think maybe it was high
school kids out drinking?
I thought I told you guys
to go back to the store?
This is an active crime scene.
(foreboding music)
Now what?
Death has come to Pokie.
Could you be a little
more specific, Joe?
[Doris] Sheriff,
I got a dead body up
by Lover's Lane, over!
Told you.
What is it, dispatch?
[Doris] Some
jogger phoned it in.
Mrs. Francine Bates said
she found a dead man!
Right. I'm on my way.
Thank you, Doris.
[Doris] Oh, and Sheriff,
I picked up that plunger
you said you needed
from the hardware store.
No, no, no! Doris, Doris.
I don't think that was me.
Ahem.
We'll handle that later. Copy.
I've gotta go.
Evidently quite a lot.
Just do me a favor and
steer clear of the area.
I've got it from here.
(bird squawks)
(bird droppings splat)
(tense guitar music)
And so it begins!
(intense music)
(uneasy music)
(wildlife calling)
(birds chirp, insects buzz)
(camera shutter snaps)
What do we got, Dorsett?
(deputy gulps)
Sorry, sir.
It's just none of
us have ever seen
a murdered person before.
-That's all right.
-That's all right.
Pull it together, man.
Any witnesses?
The girlfriend.
We sent her down to St.
John's for observation.
She says some kind of...
some kind of fancy
dressed Vikings did this.
Fancy dressed Vikings?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir.
(deputy retches)
All right.
Just...
Oh, my God!
Try not to go everywhere on it.
Sorry, sir.
They really...
really dressed for
the part, didn't they?
-The killer.
-Mm-hmm.
Quite a character.
I don't know what's
going on in this place.
You know, I knew him.
The Viking?
The victim, I mean.
He was gonna be the floor
manager at Barf Towers
once it was finished.
He promised me a free bathrobe.
You'll be all right.
Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
You got it.
(deputy retches)
Oh, Lord!
(deputy coughs)
I'll get you a bathrobe.
Don't worry about it.
When did I eat carrots?
Watch out, sir.
Come on, Dorsett!
(brooding detective music)
(uneasy music)
Hello!
In here!
(brooding detective music)
(door creaks)
(quirky suspense music)
(quirky suspense
music continues)
(quirky suspense
music continues)
Welcome to Barf Manor!
Mr. Barf?
(footsteps tap)
I'd offer you a drink,
but you're obviously on duty.
(beverage pours)
(glass clinks)
Say, aren't you that new sheriff
that ticketed my
brother for speeding?
The very same, in fact.
Actually, I have some bad news.
Unfortunately, Edward
Muntz was discovered dead.
Eddie?
Yes.
Since you're next of kin,
I'm gonna have to ask you
to come down to the morgue
and identify the body.
When I say morgue, I
mean, we have him on ice
at the convenience store.
We got defunded.
Murdered? By whom?
Some kids dressed up
in Halloween outfits,
looking like Viking berserkers.
(Wally sputters whiskey)
(Wally coughs)
Ahem!
You don't say.
Peculiar.
Terrifying, actually.
(uneasy music)
Mr. Barf,
you okay?
He will be missed.
Well, I know it's
unfortunate timing,
but I'm gonna have to ask
to talk to Homer as well,
if he's around.
Well, he's not feeling well.
And once he hears this
news, he's a delicate soul.
Perhaps another time.
I don't want to make it formal,
but I'm gonna have to insist.
It'll only be a few questions.
Fine.
Come with me.
(brooding music)
Homer? It's your brother.
I'm here with the sheriff.
Got a couple questions for you.
[Homer] Go away! I'm busy!
We're coming in.
(intense music sting)
Careful now, we have guests!
I saw him...
crawl out of the ground...
but I have a surprise for him!
Easy, Homer.
Put the gun down!
Paint is for paintin',
not for sniffin' again.
I know!
(Homer cries)
Is there something
different about you?
Did you get a haircut?
Shut up!
How about you leave
the gun on the ground
and show us what you're
painting back there?
You wanna see it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
Let's see what you got.
(pensive music)
Wow...
Homer...
Ahem.
I'll put out an
APB ASAP on that.
Where'd you see that figure?
Was it down at the
ancient burial grounds,
the Viking burial grounds?
It wasn't?
It was?
No.
No, I've never, never heard
of those grounds before.
Why would it be down
at the burial grounds?
Strip club, maybe.
You didn't see that
at the strip club?
No, uh...
No.
Okay.
Well, I'll do an APB
on this, and yeah.
I heard you talking
about Cousin Eddie.
Is he...
everything okay?
Now that-
He's fine.
He's fine. He says hello.
Liar!
(tense music)
His momma's kind of dumb.
She thought Monty Python
was a performing snake.
Let's go ahead and get going.
We'll be back.
Now, Homer,
just don't touch any outlets.
Keep clear of that paint.
(light tense music)
(dramatic flute music)
Joe, I got Mr. Barf here
to identify the body.
Mr. Barf.
Got killed with
an axe, didn't he?
Now, why did you
look in that body bag
after I told you not to?
I didn't.
I've been sat on this
porch all day as per.
What, a squirrel tell you then?
Why don't you ask one?
Come on, I don't
have time for this.
It's the Horned Wolf, you know!
His grave was desecrated
by someone in this town,
and now he's after blood!
Aagh! He says
all kinds of stuff.
(uneasy music)
Well, obviously, I
can't see his face.
Sorry, man. That is this one.
(Wally groans)
(Wally retches)
Mm. That...
that's Cousin Eddie, all right.
Now, I was gonna give him
a job in the parking lot.
Not anymore.
Why?
Well, because he wasn't
qualified to empty the ashtrays.
No, no, no!
Why did somebody
want to murder him?
Who can say? A
true murder mystery.
[Doris] Sheriff, coroner's
report just came in
on that boy Muntz, over?
(tense music)
And?
[Doris] Autopsy report
concludes victim died
as a result of a
large ax to the face.
Yes, Doris.
We all knew that.
Is there anything else?
[Doris] That's it. Over.
All right.
Well, hit me back whenever
you do have something
that we don't all know.
Mr. Barf...
can I be honest with you?
I think your brother was at
the burial grounds last night,
and I think he
knows a little more
about Cousin Eddie's
predicament than you or I.
And now, all I need is a motive.
Do you realize how
many jobs I'm bringing
to this dilapidated community,
the affluence alone?
Now that's a fancy
word for money, boy.
Oh, I know what it means.
And now, I know a motive.
You ain't got diddly.
I got that your father's car was
at the burial
grounds last night,
and that your brother
lost his eyebrows
and his mind since
I've seen him last.
Obviously, a cooking accident
when he was making waffles.
Waffles?
You are playing a
dangerous game, Mr. Barf.
You ever read Kipling?
"Rikki-Tikki-Tavi"?
In fact, I have.
I'm the mongoose.
I'm the mongoose!
You sure about that?
You calling me a snake?
Fellas!
Can we finish this up outside?
I'd like to close
up for the evening.
(foreboding music)
In what movie does
Robert De Niro say,
"Talking to me"?
I...
"Star Wars".
Homer!
You have to play right!
(evil music)
What is the capital of Iceland?
The North Pole.
So close. No.
F that card.
Get outta my face! Who cares?
I'm gonna die tonight anyways.
It doesn't matter.
Will you stop that negativity?
I'll protect you.
You?
Protect me?
(Homer laughs)
No.
What are you gonna do?
Offer it a lap dance?
It's married, as
far as I can tell.
Twice over!
Well, no need to be rude.
What about the police?
The police?
You saw the sheriff,
Officer Hatfield!
You feel safer now?
(Loki growls)
Oh!
Did you hear that?
Damn zombie Apache out there!
Well, technically
around these parts,
it would be a Mohawk,
but since you desecrated
a Viking site,
it's probably a
zombie Viking, hon.
What?
Oh!
You burned down a
Viking burial site,
not an Indian one.
Oh, so you're some expert
on how to cook up a
freaking zombie, huh?
Did you get your PhD
on zombie physics?
All right! Calm down!
You're giving me
a headache. Jeez!
(upbeat music)
(Homer breaks wind)
Oh!
Homer, what is wrong with you?
That is disgusting!
[Homer] I'm sorry.
I'm nervous, I can't help it.
Oh, no! I need some fresh air.
I can't-
Out there?
You're gonna go out there?
Have you listened to one
word I have said, woman?
Relax!
I'll be right back.
(ominous music)
(footsteps crunch)
Oh, would you look at that?
He wasn't kidding.
It sure does look married.
(Loki growls softly)
(tense, ritualistic music)
(hypnotic flute music)
No, no, no! What
is that music?
What is...?
What is happening to my body?
Oh! My head!
Oh, my head!
No! No! Stop that!
Stop that!
(door creaks)
(door closes)
Hon?
(knife screeches
on cutting board)
(footsteps tap)
Hon, could you grab me a beer
while you're in the kitchen?
(tense, ritualistic music)
Hon?
(intense music sting)
(dramatic music)
(Homer screams)
(hypnotic flute music)
(menacing, dark music)
(Homer moans)
(surreal mix of flute
and country music)
Oh God, Zombies!
(upbeat country music)
(Homer yells, trembling)
Oh, God!
(zombies grunt)
(Susan yells)
(upbeat country music)
(zombies grunt)
(glass shatters)
(blows thud)
(Susan grunts)
(knife whooshes)
Stupid!
(upbeat country music)
(Homer yells)
(Homer grunts)
(Homer pants)
(suspenseful music)
(Homer yells)
Ah!
(intense music)
(door bangs and rattles)
What's the number?
9-1-1.
(ring back tone)
Yes!
There are zombies
raiding my fridge!
(hypnotic flute music)
(thunder rumbles)
(menacing, dark music)
(horn blares)
(doorknob rattles)
(axe whooshes)
(thunder rumbles)
No, no! We can't, Josey.
What would Joe think?
(Hatfield giggles)
Well, who cares what
he thinks, right?
Yeah.
How about we steal a
couple of jugs of milk
and see where it goes?
That'd be great.
[Doris] Sheriff, we got a 911
call from the Barf property,
assault in progress, with
a deadly weapon, over!
Copy that! Copy that!
Ahem!
Dispatch,
I'm on my way.
You didn't hear anything
about jugs of milk, did you?
(uneasy music)
(footsteps tap)
Hello?
Hello?
(fireplace crackling softly)
(uneasy music)
(uneasy music continues)
Oh, my God.
(ominous music)
Homer?
Mr. Barf?
(door creaks)
(floorboards creak)
(dog howls in the distance)
(door creaks)
(uneasy music)
(uneasy music continues)
(uneasy music continues)
(Susan moans like a zombie)
Stay right where you are!
(Susan pants)
No! Please!
Sheriff, please don't shoot!
Take it easy, take it easy.
It's all right. It's all right.
What happened here?
I must have banged my head,
and then I had the
worst nightmare.
It's all right. It's okay.
All right, all right.
Well, you're okay.
So everything's all
right, all right?
Okay. If you say so, Officer.
(unsettling music)
(doorknob rattles)
(Homer yells)
(gun bangs)
Homer!
Is everybody okay?
(tense music)
Give me that gun, Homer!
I'm sorry, Mr. Policeman.
Homer, what is wrong with you?
I can ask you
that same question.
Why'd you cut off my fingers?
What kind of an insane
person would do that?
Ma'am, did you
cut off his fingers?
No.
I was...
I blacked out, when the stranger
played his flute for me.
His flute?
Uh-huh.
What is that,
code for something?
(brief flute music)
Did you have relations
with that dead Indian man?
(Susan gasps)
How dare you!
And he's Swedish.
Well, you are a sleepwalking,
knife-welding psychopath!
That's enough!
I've had enough of all this!
Okay?
You!
Sit down!
I'm out of here!
(Homer grunts)
I hate her.
Homer, just sit down, okay?
Okay, but whatever have I done?
Well, let's start with the
part where you almost shot us!
That's a good part, hmm?
Does this mean I'm
going to prison again?
That remains to
be unseen, Homer.
Can you start by telling me
what the hell happened here?
Okay, so these zombies,
they came in and
they attacked us,
then they punched Susan
right in her face.
Which she did
deserve, by the way.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I know how that must sound.
(footsteps tap)
(tense music)
What?
Homer used up all the
toilet paper on his hand.
Oh gee, I wonder why?
Okay.
Can we just get back
to the intruder?
Can you tell me
what they look like?
I told you. Zombies.
They were dressed like
fancy-dressed Indians.
Like the one I had
painted. You saw it?
He means Vikings.
Yeah, they may
have been Vikings,
but they were also,
in fact, dead.
If that makes any sense?
No, it makes no sense at all!
So, you were hiding
in the bathroom, huh?
My hero.
Oh, hon.
I know you may have some
questions right now,
but if you're not too
busy in the meantime,
you can help find
my missing fingers!
Homer, do you know
where they could be?
What? My fingers?
No!
The zombies, Homer!
Yeah, they told me
they were going bowling.
How the hell would I know?
All right.
Well, let me go to the station.
You guys stay here
and lock the door!
I'm not leaving until
I find my fingers.
Okay, fine! Just stay here!
I'll grab a med kit,
and leave it to the
adults, all right?
(Susan sighs)
('70s funky music)
I'm living my life
on a knife edge
Can't you see by
my worry lines
I'm trying to get
my thoughts in line
Gonna need just a
little more time
This ain't a cry
for redemption
I haven't led a life
too sad to mention
Just trying to
catch my peers
Who've been ahead
for all these years
Paying now for
things I've done
They didn't like
what I'd become
Now you see what vibe I'm on
It won't be long
before I've won
(Wally vocalizes)
Yeah, yeah
Hey
(mysterious ritual music)
(hypnotic flute plays)
(woman moans hoarsely)
(mysterious ritual music)
(mysterious ritual
music continues)
(maiden 1 growls)
(Wally screams)
(Wally yells, trembling)
(Wally screams)
(menacing, dark music)
(Wally screams)
(Wally screams)
(Loki growls)
(axe whooshes)
(unsettling music)
(overly dramatic music sting)
(engine growls)
(tires squeal)
(engine revs)
(car hits with heavy thud)
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki roars ferociously)
Let me in! Let me in!
Wally, what
happened to your hair?
Oh, there's not
enough time for that.
You're not gonna believe,
there's a scary thing out there!
Scary killer thingy out there!
I don't know! I ain't got time!
Where's that chef?
He went into town to grab
some medicine for Homer's hand.
[Wally] What in the
hell happened in here?
We were talked by
dead Scandinavians!
Ah, join the club.
They almost got me in town.
But, Wally, I don't understand,
where'd your hair go?
Not now, boy! Not now!
You really thought
that toupee was real?
Really? This whole time?
Well, what do they want with us?
Well, I'm guessing
they think the land by
the waterfalls is theirs.
But they've had their time.
This is mine...
That land is ours by
the right of conquest!
The strong people take what
they want, when they want!
That's just the way it is.
All this for a stupid hotel?
Hotel resort spa, thank you!
You're a monster!
Am I? Then what
is that out there?
(intense music)
Vengeance!
(radio chatter)
(tense music)
Josey?
Joe?
(unsettling music)
What happened?
Oh, my God.
(Joe yells aggressively)
(Hatfield screams)
Damn it, Joe!
Sorry.
I thought you were
one of them things.
I told you those things are
just people
masquerading as Vikings,
taking advantage of
killing people around town.
It's not the boogeyman.
It's not voodoo.
Haven't you seen "Scooby-Doo"?
(uneasy music)
They took her, Sheriff.
They just came in the middle
of the night and took her.
You know, I reckon the
Horned Wolf intends
to make Josey his bride,
by the light of
the next full moon!
Joe, that's at least
in a couple days!
We gotta call this in.
This is FBI. This
is state troopers.
This is anything but me.
I mean, this is arson, murder,
kidnapped with intent to marry!
There's no time for that.
I mean, besides, you
can't kill something
that's already dead.
(Hatfield sighs)
Where do you think
they're taking her?
His old burial
ground was destroyed.
He'll find a new one,
I reckon somewhere deep inside
his old hunting territory.
[Doris] Sheriff, we
got reports of gunfire
up at Barf Lodge, over!
-Copy that, Doris.
-I'm on my way.
Yeah, me too.
No! We talked about this.
You stay here, Joe.
Look, you need me, Sheriff!
I mean, bullets are
no use against them!
Bullets are gonna be just fine.
I don't wanna hear any more
about the circle of life,
or all that the trees
are talking about, okay?
-Trees are stupid.
-Everyone knows that.
If you wanna know what's going
on, you talk to the wind!
(tense music)
What did I just say?
You're making a
big mistake, Sheriff!
Okay, everyone ready?
What 1981 film, starring
Henry and Jane Fonda,
won Best Picture that year?
Will you shut your pie hole?
No. On "Golden Pond."
Why is she even here?
Hey, that's my girl!
You don't talk to her that way!
(electricity buzzes)
Power's out!
[Wally] No shit!
Go check the breakers, genius.
[Homer] Why me?
[Wally] Because
you're a grown, man,
with the full set of
testicles, remember?
(quirky suspense music)
(Homer yells)
Why am I doing this?
(uneasy music)
(electricity buzzes)
Oh!
It's not supposed
to look like that.
(hypnotic flute music)
(Susan snores)
How in the hell
can that girl sleep
through something like this?
(upbeat country music)
Wally!
I can't control myself!
(Homer grunts)
Oh!
Homer, what are you doing?
Wally!
-What is it?
-He's doing some dark ritual!
-Help!
-What is that,
a dance from high school?
(Homer grunts)
I can't control my hands!
Wally!
Come on, are you having a spell?
Wally!
Brother!
Homer!
Help!
(hypnotic flute music)
Wally!
Help me!
-Hey you!
-(gun bangs)
That's my brother!
Homer!
Homer!
Come back here!
Where are you going?
Come back here!
Uh-huh.
That's it.
I am done with this family.
There's some sort
of kinky Norse crap.
Oh, my gosh!
(unsettling Western music)
(footsteps tap)
Ma'am, everything all right?
Yeah. Hey sugar.
It's just those crazy boys
at it again, you know?
Too much booze and testosterone,
not enough common sense.
Are they inside?
Oh, no, no, no!
They ran off into
the woods somewhere
just shooting at
each other again.
Where are you going?
Do you need a ride?
-No, don't worry.
-I'm gonna see...
No, I'm gonna borrow Homer's
car, because he said I could,
and you don't have to
look into it, okay?
Thanks.
(tense music)
(Hatfield sighs)
Honey!
I just wanted to say, please
be careful out there, okay?
We don't have enough good
men in this town like you,
and we really can't afford
to lose another one.
(pensive Western music)
All right.
Let's go.
(unsettling music)
(footsteps tap)
I never thought
I'd see you again.
Certainly not alive.
If I'm gonna kill this thing,
I'm gonna need some supplies.
Look, you're not gonna
last 10 minutes out there
without the proper stuff.
-Like what? Garlic?
-Silver bullets?
Toilet paper.
Unless you wanna wipe
your ass with your hand?
Look, you need me.
Josey needs me.
She was working for
me when they took her!
Fine!
Get in the car.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's the end of the
line for undead Vikings.
They're serial killers.
They're not Vikings
or zombies, okay?
Serial-killing zombies!
You don't take meds, do you?
What are you talking about?
Well, we're just gonna
be out there for a while.
I don't want you to
miss a dose or anything.
Are you kidding?
Let's kill these things.
(quirky music)
Wally?
Wally?
Homer?
Where are you?
Homer?
The zombie's after us!
Homer! Homer!
Wally!
Homer.
Where have you been?
(hypnotic flute music)
Wally, I can't move my foot.
What the hell?
What is happening?
Stop it!
Wally, help!
Help!
Wally!
No!
(playful, disorienting music)
I don't know
what's going on here!
I don't know!
Help! Help me!
Wally!
What's happening?
I don't know!
(magical music)
(waves rustle)
(tense militaristic music)
[Hatfield] You sure you can
track 'em through these woods?
Do you want to try?
What does the wind say?
The wind says, it's smart
to travel with a simpleton.
The Horned Wolf will
not be expecting that.
Who's the simpleton?
(tense flute music)
Where do we get the simpleton?
You know, before
all this started,
before all the killing,
I was gonna ask
Josey out for a beer.
Lucky her.
What stopped you?
I just didn't think she was
into me like that, you know?
I didn't think I had a chance.
Your competition has
been dead 300 years
and smells of old
leaves and turds.
So you do think I have a chance?
Can I ask you something?
What did we do
around these parts
to qualify for such
an esteemed lawman?
You mean, how did I get here?
Yeah, how did you get here?
Well, that's pretty simple.
I was working in a
major metropolis,
and that will remain anonymous.
Doris says Denver.
Yeah. Yes, it was Denver.
Anyways, I was assigned to
help a cat out of a tree.
And I figured, this is usually
something for animal control,
but I think I'll save the day.
Yeah, like Superman.
(confident music)
(cat meows)
Ma'am, did you
call about the cat?
Yeah, my cat, he's
been up there for hours.
I don't know what to do.
My dad's gonna kill me.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Okay.
Just step back
for me real quick.
Here we go.
(Hatfield grunts)
Come on!
(cat meows)
(Hatfield grunts)
(cat meows)
It's a nice cat, right?
No, he bites.
(cat yowls)
(dog barks)
(dogs bark and growl, cat yowls)
My cat!
Um...
So not like Superman.
Not at all.
Hmmm.
What's the "hmmm" about?
Oh, I wouldn't tell Josey that.
She kind of likes cats.
I like cats.
Ever killed anything
bigger than a cat?
No. Why?
Because we're hunting a
flesh-eating creature from hell.
Not Mr. Pickles.
Who's Mr. Pickles?
(gentle guitar music)
(Joe vocalizes)
Seem to whisper soft
and very, very low
You are my heart's desire
You're the one that
I adore, Melody
Oh, Melody
That is beautiful, Joe.
Ah, it's an old song,
which like me will soon
be gone from the world.
Me and my wife used to sing
it around the campfire.
I didn't know you were married.
She was Cherokee.
When she passed away,
I couldn't bring myself
to leave the place.
Every tree, every leaf
reminds me of her.
So I stayed on and
bought the store.
She always wanted a store.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's all good.
I'll see her again soon enough.
Listen, let's make
camp here, okay?
You get some firewood.
I'll make a start on the tent.
Sounds good.
(haunting flute music)
Joe, I found some firewood.
You're eating?
Did you find some berries?
No.
A lot of mushrooms
down by a stream.
You want some?
You don't get out in
nature much, do you?
Not really.
Why?
They're death caps.
(tense flute music)
Death caps?
Is that a bad thing?
They don't call
them "life caps"!
I thought it was the red ones
you were supposed to avoid!
Yeah. I wouldn't
eat them either!
(Hatfield sputters)
Joe, I ate a lot
of these things.
What's gonna happen,
what are we gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna build a fire.
Your bum's gonna start
screaming like an angry bear
who's caught and
tortured, in a zip.
And then we'll find help.
How long...?
(solemn organ music)
(stomach growls)
Oh!
(Hatfield groans)
(retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(brief upbeat fiddle plays
over retro rock-organ music)
(retro rock-organ
music continues)
(retro rock-organ music
layered with fiddle)
(Hatfield hoots incoherently)
(retro rock-organ music
layered with fiddle continues)
(Hatfield breaks wind)
[Joe] Maybe next time save
that part for outside the tent?
(Hatfield breaks wind)
[Hatfield] Oh, sorry.
(haunting flute music)
(Hatfield groans)
(Joe laughs)
You look like
you spent the night
up a grizzly bear's ass.
(Hatfield groans loudly)
Well, the irony is, Joe,
that I'd probably be safer
in a grizzly bear's ass.
It can be arranged.
-What?
-I'm just saying,
I know some.
I gotta go take a pee.
Get all this bad juju out.
Oh...
Oh!
(urine trickles)
(intense music sting)
(Hatfield screams)
(tense music)
Coffee?
(unsettling music)
So there's Wally.
Yep. Part of him.
Where's the rest?
I told you, it's
the Horned Wolf.
Joe, we're not hunting Dracula.
We're not hunting the Wolf Man.
We are hunting a man in a mask.
That's it!
Horned Wolf.
I put enough lead in this thing.
He's going down.
Whatever it is.
(tense militaristic music)
(Wally belches)
Ugh!
Joe, he's starting to belch!
It's just escaping gas.
(Wally breaks wind)
Oh, God! It's making me ill.
Can we just give it some
antacids or something?
I think he's a bit
past that, don't you?
We could always bury him.
No, we can't. He's evidence.
(suspenseful music)
(Josey grunts)
(menacing, dark music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
You used Wally as bait?
I certainly did.
It was either him or us!
There goes our evidence!
Shhh!
The creature must be close.
It means Josey is too.
And then what?
I don't know.
We take the
shield-maiden hostage,
use her as collateral, okay?
I'm going away.
I'm gonna try and circle
around and flank her.
(suspenseful music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
Great.
Dances with Prunes
is gonna flank her.
(intense music)
Get back to hell, demoness!
(bowstring snaps)
Oh!
Great, great plan, Joe.
(sinister music)
(Maiden 2 growls)
(Maiden 2 shrieks)
Kill her!
Dammit, Joe!
Kill her!
(gun bangs)
(body thuds)
Ah, see there,
a little lead goes
a long way, Joe.
(Hatfield yells)
(Maiden 2 growls)
Stop!
Get it off me! Get it off!
(Joe shouts)
Oh, God!
(Hatfield grunts)
There has gotta be an
explanation for that.
Crystal head...
meth head...
What? Crack head, something.
Whatever.
Help me tie it up.
We'll swap it for Josey.
Why do we gotta tie her up?
Because it's still alive!
Wait, Joe.
I just shot it five times and
kicked the crap out of it!
Look, how many crack
heads do you know
who can get shot five
times in the chest
and forget to bleed?
(tense music)
That's a good point, Joe.
Okay. Come on,
let's go to move on.
He'll have heard them shots.
That was good
shooting, by the way.
Well, I wish I could
say the same about yours.
Oh, whatever.
(menacing, dark music)
(Loki growls)
It's okay, babe.
I'm here. I saved you!
(Homer grunts)
Ow!
Whoa, whoa! Hang on, hang on!
Ow!
Ow!
No more! I said stop it!
I told you, I'm
here to save you.
Who the hell are you?
I've been asking myself
that same question as of late.
Ruminating, if you will.
(menacing, dark music)
Oh, no!
(axe whooshes)
You done mess
with the wrong dude!
I really think we should run.
No! Not this time, squirrel.
We will stay!
Hope you're ready for pain!
'Cause this forest has
changed me, molded me!
I've become death!
I read that in a Nat Geo once.
Die, zombie dick!
(Homer yells)
(Homer grunts)
Ow, my toe.
(sinister music)
(axe whooshes)
(Homer grunts)
That poor idiot...
(blows thud)
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music continues)
(menacing, dark music)
(Josey's voice
quavers with fear)
Hey!
Want your maiden back?
How about a trade?
(Maiden 2 growls)
(Maiden 2 grunts)
(blows thud)
(Joe screams)
(Loki roars)
Well, that went well.
I thought you said we
were going to trade.
Well, I thought you said
they couldn't be killed!
Well, you proved me
wrong, haven't you?
(Loki growls)
I think we can all agree that
this was a terrible mistake.
A tragedy!
(Loki growls)
He's not buying it.
You go save Josey.
I'll just take him to the river.
Good plan.
Oh, and Sheriff!
I was wrong about you.
You are a good man.
(handshake squelches)
Ugh.
Thanks, Joe.
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
Josey!
Be careful!
Don't worry.
The sheriff is leading
him towards the river.
Come on now.
Let's get you someplace safe.
I can't, I have
to help the sheriff!
Wait, Josey! It's not safe!
This is your idea, isn't it?
Yes, it is!
(suspenseful music)
(horn blares)
Oh!
A few more bullets
would've been nice.
(Hatfield grunts)
(Hatfield yells)
(Hatfield sputters)
(Hatfield groans)
(horn blares)
Oh, shit!
Come on, you big...
uh...
big...
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music continues)
(Loki growls)
I heard about your
little tricks.
I came prepared.
(Hatfield grunts)
(Hatfield yells)
(blow thuds)
(unsettling music)
(unsettling music continues)
Oh...
no!
(footsteps tap)
(Loki growls)
(menacing, dark music)
(helmet clangs)
(Loki grunts)
(Loki growls)
(blow thuds)
(Josey's voice
quavers with fear)
(suspenseful music)
(Loki growls)
(war drum music with chants)
(Loki growls)
(intense music)
(Panther yells)
Screaming Panther!
(Panther yells)
(axe whooshes)
(Panther yells)
(Panther yells)
(blows thud)
(knife whooshes)
(intense music)
(knife slashes)
(knife slashes)
(Panther grunts)
(axes clash)
(knife slashes)
(Panther grunts)
(Panther yells)
(hypnotic flute music)
(hypnotic flute music with
eerie instrumental undertones)
(upbeat country music)
(upbeat country music continues)
(triumphant orchestral music)
(Loki growls)
(body thuds)
(Panther yells)
(majestic cinematic music)
(water murmuring)
(gentle flute music)
(gentle flute music continues)
(gentle flute music continues)
(Josey sighs)
(water rippling)
(haunting flute music)
(haunting flute music continues)
(gentle music)
I thought I'd say hey
to my two favorite people.
[Joe] Really?
Well, let us know
when they get here.
You short on milk?
No, I'm actually doing
pretty good on milk.
Stocked full of it, actually.
And I'm lactose intolerant.
Hm.
What I really
would like to know is
if you'd like to
go out on a date.
Well, you did save the town
from the smelly
dead Scandinavians.
Oh, I had a little help.
Yeah. What am I, chopped wood?
You too, Joe!
I'm off tonight at seven.
Well that's perfect.
I'll see you then.
And don't worry.
Joe, we'll look out
for the Chupacabra!
(Josey giggles)
Don't worry, son,
you'll be fine.
The Spirit moves in all things.
I like that, Joe.
See that, my love, eh?
Love is everywhere.
You used to look
at me like that.
Yes, you did.
(upbeat country music)
Some came to
fight or run away
And lived to stand
again, they say
Hatred and dread and
fear is all around
Still we hear the sound
Men in steel
pound the ground
Still we hear the
sound, pound the ground
(instrumental break)
Out from the mountain
stood a lone little home
And from the dark
night come the day
(mumbles) I have bad news.
(car whooshes by)
It's a nice, quiet
car, don't you think?
They take our love away
They raise their flags
Zombie-killing...
(Joe laughs)
They take our love away
Raise their flags
and sail away
Homer, I'm gonna
be watching you!
They say they
came from far away
Across the fields and rivers
Your boom's gonna
start squeaking
like a rusty spring in
a (beep). Oh, bollocks!
Dressed in robes
of precious things
Who knows what
became of those
Who chose to stay
And those of us
who had to go
(Hatfield chuckles)
(both laugh)
(upbeat music)
Why
Ooh
Why
I've got so much
love to give
I've got so much
love to give, baby
Now what do you say
Why don't we spend
a while on it
A little bit of this
Take your time
and let it stew
A little bit of that
Take your time
and let it brew
Let it slowly simmer before
you bring it to a boil
Sprinkle it with sugar,
not to heavy on the oil
A touch of me and you
Bump the heat
but not too far
A little twist of ooh
And a pinch of ooh-la-la
A little bit of this
I'm giving you
the best of me
A little more of that
I'm cookin' up a recipe
A recipe for love
Standing on the crossroads
I've been waiting
to watch you change
Whoa
Bendin' over backwards
I've been hopin'
that we stay the same
Standing on the crossroads
I've been waiting
to watch you change
Whoa
Bendin' over backwards
I've been hopin'
that we stay the same
I've got so much
love to give
I've got so much
more to give, baby
Baby
Now what do you say
Why don't we spend
a while on it
A little dose of you,
then add what's left of me
A whole lot more of lovin'