Zoolander 2 (2016) Movie Script

Sting, open up!
It's bieber!
Sting! Come on! Sting!
It's bieber, bro!
Open the door!
Oh, fudge!
You can't kill us all.
We will protect
the chosen one.
Peace out, world.
Peace out.
he was pronounced dead
13 minutes ago.
I can't believe it.
Justin bieber?
The sixth pop star
to die in the last year.
And all with that look.
As if they were
trying to tell us something.
That look.
There's only one person
on earth
who would know
how to interpret this look.
It's a dead end,
No one has seen
that man in years.
Then god help us all.
Shocking. Stupefying.
Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.
Just a few of the ways
new yorkers described
what happened today
as Derek zoolander's
center for kids
who can't read good
and who wanna learn to do
other stuff good, too
literally collapsed
into the east river
only two days after
its official opening.
Students and teachers
were evacuated.
And while
zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,
sadly, his wife,
Matilda jeffries-zoolander,
has reportedly died.
I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!
She was crushed by the book?
A vigil is being held tonight
for the other
chisel-cheeked lion
of the modeling kingdom,
hansel, who is reported
to have sustained
permanent injury
to his breathtaking face
after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.
Although authorities
are still investigating,
the cause of the disaster
is believed to be
mind-boggling decision
to build the reading center
out of the actual materials
that were used to construct
the original
architectural model.
Clothing designer
Jacob moogberg,
aka jacobim mugatu
was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms
in a maximum
security fashion prison
for his role in
the attempted assassination
of the Malaysian
prime minister.
His co-conspirator,
modeling agent
Maury ballstein,
turned state's witness...
I'll give you anything
you want on that fakakta fink.
...in exchange for
relocation in the witness
protection program.
Back in the news tonight,
former model,
negligent builder,
now unfit parent,
Derek zoolander.
This footage was taken
by a neighbor
across from
zoolander's soho loft.
D.J., how did mommy
make it soft?
The child protection agency
removed zoolander's son,
Derek Jr.
Late last night in
a daring midnight raid
placing him in
the custody of the state.
Which is why it
pains me to say
that effective immediately,
i will retire from modeling
and live alone
as a hermit crab.
I will now be anonymous
and known only as...
And finally tonight,
here's something
to make you feel old.
Incredible as it may sound,
of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates
this year
less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,
name a Caucasian president,
or know who
Derek zoolander was.
Was... was... was...
Go away.
Open up, it's me.
I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.
No one lives here
by that name.
Right. Sorry.
I mean, Eric.
I've got your mail.
Billy Zane. It's been years.
Where's my regular mailperson,
He couldn't make it.
I was in the neighborhood,
i thought I'd stop by.
Got your netflix.
Whoa, Jack Ryan...
...and Jack reacher.
Tonight's gonna be
a total Jack-off.
You have
something else here.
What is it?
Open it.
Gryootings, Derek zoolownder.
Are you a boxtroll?
That's alexanya atoz,
owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.
Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,
I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...
The eturnanal cyootee...
To muddel my
nyouest colleeauction
by my hoottest
now designer...
Doon atari.
don atari.
He's "it" in
fashion right now.
People would die
to be in his show.
I can't.
I'm a hermit crab now.
Derek zoolownder.
I already told you!
It's like you're not
even listening to me!
Derek, uh...
Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.
Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.
And what if it's
a stop sign, Billy?
I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.
Now, I'm just
a model/failure.
Slash-guy who is
still a model/father.
who killed his wife
using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.
Slash-guy who has got
to stop beating himself up
about that!
Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft
so they took away his son,
so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.
Slash-have you ever
even tried to get
your son back?
You can do that?
You'd hire a litigator,
he files
the appropriate paperwork...
But I don't even
know where he is.
First things first.
If you take this job
that alexanya's offering you,
you could prove
to child services
that you're a productive
member of society again.
Go to Rome.
Find yourself.
Become the father
you were meant to be
and get your boy back.
Safe journey, my friend!
Thanks, Billy!
What have you got?
Ball and chain not happy.
Sorry I'm late!
Oh, my gosh.
I was finishing up
and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.
I'm okay, though.
Ah, natalka,
you look beautiful.
Yes, really.
Dinner is ruined!
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me,
didn't I?
we talked about this.
Can't we just
take it slow?
When I met you guys
two years ago,
it was the best orgy
of my life.
Let's get back to
that feeling.
It's there.
Every relationship
has to evolve.
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.
But you're gonna
have to change, my man.
'Cause change,
she is a-comin'.
All of you?
How is this even possible?
We thought you'd be happy.
Well, I am happy.
That, uh...
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.
To be honest,
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know,
as a...
You mean a father?
Well... uh... I...
Let me...
I want to check on...
On the camel here!
Who am I?
Who am I?
Hey, hansel!
Billy Zane?
Got your netflix.
And this.
- Thanks very much.
- No, it's my bag.
Excuse me,
i think that's...
No, trust me,
this is my bag.
Just look at
the ticket right here.
Never heard of him,
Look right here
at the ticket
and you can see that...
Derek zoolander.
Hi. It's been a long time.
Yeah. Not long enough.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
i think I should peace.
Wait a minute!
We haven't seen
each other since...
Since the building
you designed
fell on my face
and ruined my career?
Yeah, it's been a while.
It was an accident.
I didn't mean to...
You didn't mean to build
the support beams
out of popsicle sticks
and highly-flammable
rubber cement?
That was just
a little accident?
This is it. Forever.
Because I promise you,
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.
Right here, this moment.
Good-bye forever.
Works for me.
Hope you're not
an epiplectic,
because we're about
to get blinded.
Yep. Here we go.
Susan boyle, right here!
Take a picture of that!
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,
they don't know
who we are.
Derek! Hansel!
Hey, boys. I'm vip.
I'm in charge
of social media
for don atari.
I've been working for him
since I was 10.
How old are you now?
Should we go to the hotel?
Pretty strange, you and i
both getting called back
to the big stage
like this.
A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this
to get my son back.
Explain how doing
a fashion show's
gonna accomplish that.
Simple. Child services hears
I'm working again,
kkk, a responsible parent,
and they give me
my son back.
Responsible parent?
What? You don't think
i could be one?
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.
I didn't have a father.
It's kind of my
big issue right now.
You didn't
have a father?
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.
Always on the road.
The road away
from little hansel.
Valentina. You're going
to want to see this.
Check out
Mr. disco Barry gibb.
Zoolander is in Rome?
Welcome to the palazzo d'caca.
The entire hotel
is biodegradable
and made from
reclaimed human waste.
This is the ultra-exclusive,
zero-footprint suite.
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.
And the hotel
has complimentary
farm-to-table Wi-Fi.
We're rooming together?
There must be some mistake.
I'll call Billy Zane.
Good idea.
Look, tiny phone!
That is so retro.
I'm gonna take
a picture of it
with my phone.
This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...
Well, don atari
is waiting for you
down in the lobby.
Oh, and don't
drink the water
or you'll die.
I just have one question.
What in the world is
farm-to-table Wi-Fi?
You're asking me?
Muchacho, I have no idea.
For serious?
Because when vip said that,
you had this look
on your face, like,
"i totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"
I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.
I thought you knew!
No, I just didn't want vip
to think I was uncool!
I miss not knowing things
with you.
Yeah. Me, too.
Why didn't
we do this sooner?
Because we've
both been in hiding
since the day
i killed my wife
and permanently
disfigured you.
Oh, yeah,
that's probably it.
That was the day
i lost the fire.
The fire?
The fire in my face.
It's kind of
my big issue right now.
You still got it, d-zone.
You're Derek zoolander.
You stopped a Chinese
throwing star in mid-air
with a look.
I was there.
That's not me anymore.
Yes, it is.
Hey, flash me
that beautiful look.
Give me that
incredible Magnum.
Think fast. Magnum.
Wait, no!
Magnum! Now!
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!
Come on!
Hansel, stop!
You have this! Yeah!
Maybe we could
try a wash cloth?
Hansel, no!
No! It's not working!
Ah, you're right.
What happened to us?
You mean me.
You still have it.
No, I don't.
Look at this face.
It's a horror show.
Come on, hansel.
It can't be that bad.
It is.
Take off your mask.
No way.
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.
And no one ever will.
I think I know the real you.
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.
You mean that?
Of course, I do.
It's disgusting!
Put it back!
I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on!
It's so gross!
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!
It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!
Please, hansel, put it back,
i was wrong!
No. This feels good.
Could you please
put the mask back on
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?
No! I'm done hiding.
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.
Know what that is?
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,
hottest models
in the world again.
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,
shave that
Billy goat beard,
go downstairs
and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?
Oh, my god. Yes, dude!
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school
just to meet me.
So jedi.
You guys suck.
Both of you guys suck.
You look great.
I'm don atari. What up?
What up, hansel?
Yeah. That's sick.
Wait a minute.
"I'll call Billy...".
I just said that!
I know.
Like, 15 minutes ago, right?
Vip told me,
so I made these retro shirts
with your old
catchphrase on it.
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.
They're all losers,
i hate these guys.
We got trs-80, kitt...
Rubik, my man gleek.
Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.
He's a genius.
His tattoos are so stupid.
He's the one who did
my colonel Sanders.
Look at that,
pretty epic, huh?
It sucks,
i don't like it, dude.
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.
That's really cool.
So, uh, what's the deal
with the show?
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?
Colosseum? Trevi fountain?
Spanish steps?
What? No way, dude.
Those places are
gnar-gnar Bo-Bo.
We're holding it
in an abandoned
medical waste facility
on top of
an industrial trash heap.
It's totally toxic,
but super chill.
Cool! Sounds dope.
Yeah, fresh.
Oh, what?
You guys are like,
"sounds dope!" "Fresh!"
They're doing the voices
and everything!
I didn't think you guys
would do the voices.
That's sick!
"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.
Hey, retreads!
I want to introduce you all
to my muse
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel
in the whole world
right now, dude.
This is all.
All what?
We are all.
So, are you like a male model
or a female model?
All is not defined
by binary constructs.
That's cool.
I don't like labels, either.
But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog
or a bun?
Do you have a wiener
or vergiener?
All is all to all.
By the way, all just
married hermself, dude.
Monomarriage is
finally legal in Italy.
I support that.
Derek, that's pretty good,
Uh, I'm sorry,
are you not comfortable
with people like all
in the workplace
or something?
No. Of course, I am.
I mean, like,
if your son or whatever
came to you and said,
"hey, dad,
i really want to marry all,"
like, wouldn't you
be so stoked for that?
Isn't that, like,
exactly what you want?
Imagine all walking in,
being like,
"we'll finally be together."
You'd be like hella
stoked for that, right?
I'd be, like,
totally stoked.
All is done here. Atari.
See you, fools.
Guys, alexanya atoz is here!
The show must begin now!
Wow. Alexanya atoz.
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.
She looks even better
in person.
Ah, I got those juices
flowing again.
Just put us out there.
Let us do our thing.
Come on! Come on!
Chop, chop!
Lay down, lay down!
Get in, get in.
Take off your robes.
Go! Go! Go!
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.
I know. I feel so alive!
Ha! Yah!
Quit it, all!
Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!
All is done.
So let me tell you
what I think worked.
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.
I was trying out
a few new looks,
although it might
have been hard to see
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?
Hansel, are you insane?
We were a joke out there.
A total laughing stick.
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...
I know we
looked like idiots,
but I'm trying to make
the best of it!
Knuck, knuck!
Not now! We...
...vere amowzing.
Your fece so hundsome.
Und, hansel, so stemmy.
Ridowkulously stemmy
and hyot.
I'm sorry.
I can't understand a word
that you're saying.
I want to invite
you to be my gyuests
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.
The incrediball.
Oh, what!
The incrediball?
Is that like the met ball?
No, sveet, stupid deryuck.
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,
all of the most important
designers will come together
under one rureff.
I trust you will be dere
with your hyot
and stemmy feces.
Dudes. Holy shazbot! What!
You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle
of incrediball!
What does that mean?
The center-pizzle
of incrediball.
That was bananas, Johnny.
I'm done.
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?
Did you not hear
what they just said?
We're going to be the center
of the incrediball.
I can only pray that
nobody from child services
attended the show
or I'll never get
little Derek back.
What about
all the attention?
This is exactly
what we were talking about!
No, hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.
We don't fit in anymore.
don atari and all
and that creepy little vip!
I don't want any part of it!
Derek! D-rock!
Derek zoolander?
Valentina valencia.
global fashion division.
Fashion police?
We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.
I'm out of fashion.
I need to talk to you.
It has to do with
the death of Justin bieber.
His death is not my problem.
Look, I'm trying to find out
who's killing the pop stars
of the world.
And I think
you're my only chance.
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?
None of it.
So you did understand
the part about it
not being my problem,
or you didn't understand
any part of it not being
a part of my problem?
No, no, no, Derek.
I think what she's saying
is that she understands
what you're saying,
but she doesn't accept it.
It's all too confusing.
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,
and possibly my son.
But this is more
than I bargained for.
This hermit crab
is crawling back
into his planetarium.
I can use
the database at interpol
to help you find your son.
If you help me.
I think we got to
play ball with her.
She's got some kind
of database
or something
that she says
will help us
find little Derek.
And she's hot.
I trust her.
So, before bieber died,
he twitpic'd this look.
He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.
He was trying
to send a message.
It's blue steel, right?
What are you,
a fucking idiot?
Yeah, that's blue steel.
My question is,
is interpol one of
those socialist things
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?
I... I know.
That's right.
I heard your mother
worked here.
Oh, snap!
My mother
doesn't work here.
No more games, okay?
Is this blue steel or not?
Not even close.
I knew what it was
the moment I saw it.
It's an old one...
From the 90s.
It was for a body lotion
campaign I did.
I called it "aqua vitae".
Young forever.
Still holds up.
Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.
It's night and day
from blue steel.
He's right.
When I overlay them,
there are over 14,000
different facial anomalies.
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.
Please accept my apologies,
None taken.
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is
on aqua vitae.
Hold on a second, lady.
A deal's a deal.
Now, you help me
find my son.
His name is Derek Jr.?
Have you ever facebooked him?
No, thanks.
Matilda facebooked...
...and it killed her.
Found him.
He's at the orphanage
del piccolo cletusi.
In Rome.
Wait. What?
He's in Rome.
That's convenient.
So we can hit that party
at the incrediball.
A little too convenient.
Someone wants you here, guys.
But who?
Listen to me.
Be careful
at the orphanage.
And trust no one
at house of atoz.
I'll see what I can find.
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.
Hey. You're showing up.
Feel good.
That must be him.
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.
You're a lucky man.
You there. Boy.
What's his name?
That's fabrizio.
What a beautiful name.
He used to be
called Derek Jr.
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.
Bye, mister.
Let's go.
Let's go.
What? Why?
I can't do this.
Why not?
He's fat!
The fat one is Derek Jr.
No, that chubby kid's
name is fatlander.
I heard them call him that.
Don't you get it?
He switched the "zoo" part
with "fat".
That's how he came
up with "fatlander".
Fat equals zoo!
So wait.
You're saying that just
because your son is fat
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?
Maybe you're right.
No, I'm asking.
Does being fat
make someone
a terrible person?
And I'm agreeing with you.
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.
And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.
But I don't know
what to say.
I think you better
puddle-talk it out.
So I guess
i have a lot to ponder.
You sure do.
What? Who's that?
I don't know.
It wasn't me.
Ghost of Matilda?
Is that really you?
Yes, Derek.
I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch,
but I've just been so dead.
You must love our son.
He needs you.
But beware
of the headmaster.
What's happening to you?
Love our son.
And beware the headmaster.
I'm the headmaster.
Derek zoolander...
...I'm assuming.
Because I've never
met you ever.
Mr. hansel informs me
that you'd like
to see your son.
Easily arranged. Come.
I should tell you,
your son is
incredibly gifted.
If you want
to find the spirits
in the material world,
you need to talk
to the ghost in the machine.
What? Who is this?
I have a message
in a bottle for you,
so don't go to the police.
Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message
in a bottle.
Okay, I got it.
Now go prank call
someone else, idiot.
Here they are now.
Hey, there, sport.
I hear someone's
a fat little smartypants.
I'll leave you to it, then.
I'm gonna let
you two catch up
and maybe hit the spa
back at the caca.
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,
but I'm still your father.
You're not my father.
You weren't there.
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when
you were little.
Most kids play
catch with their father.
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.
There are lots of
starving children in Africa
who would die to
go to a thong shoot.
Look, let me
make it up to you.
Let's go play
ball-catching now.
So how's the family
reunion going?
Great. I'd like
to check him out
for a few hours,
if that's okay.
Sure. As long as
he's back by sundown.
He seems like a nice guy.
You seem like an idiot.
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.
Frozen chocolata gelato!
Oh, my god!
Hashtag, oops.
You know, sometimes
it takes an extremely
traumatic experience
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.
Am I right?
Derek Jr.!
Are you
mentally insane?
What are you reading?
I am malalalala?
No books!
Think of your mother.
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.
And a one-ton book
killed her.
The book didn't kill mom.
You did.
And you nearly
killed me, too.
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.
What, okay,
maybe your pants
are a little loose.
Are you serious
right now?
I don't want to be
anything like you!
You're a has-been!
And you are
the most narcissistic,
self-involved person
I've ever met!
But that's not
how I think of me.
I'm going back to school.
Little Derek,
come back here!
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!
How did you learn
to speak Italian?
Because I'm smart!
Mom was smart, too.
The only stupid thing
she ever did
was fall in love with you.
I don't even have
the words to express
what a burn that is.
I don't know
what to say.
No, I mean I literally
don't have the vocabulary
to respond.
You're like
a walking tyrannosaurus.
You mean
"walking thesaurus".
I don't know.
I guess it's nice
that you want to reconnect
or whatever.
But we're too different.
And it's too late.
Thanks for the gelato.
Hi there, hansel.
I heard you
are on the rebound.
No, no. I'm still...
Still committed.
We're just taking
a little time to kind of...
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.
Oh, damn it.
Meaningless sex
always makes me feel
better about myself.
Come on.
We know you're in there!
Stay here. Stay here.
Hansel, let us in!
We want to apologize!
Come back to the pigpile,
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.
Back! Back!
Hello! Hello!
My gosh.
Oh, hansel.
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, go.
You are a basic bitch.
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Out.
I can kill you.
Let me just explain.
Guys, you didn't
even give me
a chance to explain!
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people
when you don't even
love yourself?
I hope they were worth it.
That's not fair.
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Hey, hansel.
Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?
Hey, Katy!
Yeah, it's like,
when will we find out
who we really are?
I know, right?
Who am I?
Neil degrasse Tyson.
Even you don't
know who you are?
In an ever-expanding universe,
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,
what use does the question
"who am I?" Even have?
Neil, I got to say,
you're totally blowing
my mind right now.
That's what I do.
I'm Neil
degrasse Tyson, bitch.
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come
to interpol!
I have incredible news!
We did
a full diagnostic
on your aqua vitae look,
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.
The direct translation
is "water of life."
But many have
interpreted it another way.
"The fountain of youth".
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.
And, no, they don't
give happy endings.
No, Derek.
The actual fountain of youth.
Can you imagine if
the fountain of youth
indeed does exist...
And if alexanya atoz
could market such a liquid...
Do you ever
get that feeling
when you see
beautiful teenager girl
with perfect skin
and you want to kill her
and take her skin
and put it on your skin?
We bottled that feeling.
House of atoz yowth milk.
...she would make billions.
Excuse me.
You are in serious danger.
Don't stand
so close to me.
Come on.
It's this prank caller again.
Put it on speaker.
What... why?
Just put it
on speaker!
Who is this?
I am your king of pain.
Every breath this
guy takes, I'm like,
"what are you talking about?"
Oh, Jesus.
Just meet me
at Saint Peter's
basilica at midnight.
Sounds like this guy's
really into sting.
I model my life after sting.
And bieber was killed
in front of sting's villa.
Forgive me, father.
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin bieber.
No way.
Hey, Derek.
Hey, sting.
And hello, sweet hansel.
You two know each other?
Sadly, we've never met.
And yet I feel like
I've known you...
...my entire life.
Tell me.
Have you heard of
the fountain of youth?
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?
No, Derek,
not the hand job joint
you worked at in soho.
The real fountain of youth.
It dates back
some 6,000 years.
Its original location
is thought to have been
the garden of Eden.
You mean the turkish bathhouse
i used to work at in Tribeca?
No, Derek.
The garden of Eden.
The birthplace
of Adam and Eve
and Steve.
Steve? Who's Steve?
Steve is
the original supermodel.
The first of the purebloods.
He was said
to be so beautiful,
with a look so powerful...
...that even
the pools of water
he gazed upon
could not reflect
his beauty back to him.
That look...
That look was
called "El nino".
But, honestly,
I've never heard of Steve.
Countless lives
throughout history
have been lost
to make sure of that.
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.
For the legend states
that if you wrench
the still-beating heart
from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve
and drink its blood,
you will obtain
eternal beauty.
So the fountain of youth
is not a fountain at all.
The fountain of youth is...
A person.
And not just anyone.
A direct descendent of Steve.
The chosen one.
How do you know all this?
Because I,
and many rock stars like me,
are his protectors.
You see,
there are only a few genes
that separate
the greatest rock stars
in history from male models.
Which genes are those?
The ones for talent
and intelligence.
Of course.
We were entrusted
to protect the chosen ones.
But who is the chosen one?
We believe it is your son.
And that he is
in grave danger.
But he's back at the school!
We have to get to him
before something terrible
happens to him!
No. Wait.
Hansel. Look into my eyes.
Is there anything
you want to ask me?
Anything at all?
Do you really have sex
for ten hours?
No comment.
Farewell, my handsome boy.
Good-bye, sting.
Bolt cutters!
He's gone!
It's like
no one was ever here.
It was a wig.
It was a wig
the whole time.
That was a wig?
That headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!
No! No! No!
Derek, relax!
Don't do it.
When you want to go to it.
I need you to pull up
everything you have
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001
for brainwashing zoolander.
Facial scans
to be cross-referenced
with security footage
of the headmaster
of the orphanage.
It's a positive I.D.
The headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.
Oh, my god.
It's the evil
breakdancing dj.
He was arrested with mugatu
and his accomplice
back in 2001.
It's katinka
Where are they now?
disappeared off the grid.
It looks like the evil dj
came through the Swiss border
with forged papers
about three weeks ago.
I suppose they could have...
Driven to Rome
and kidnapped Derek's son.
Which means the person
behind all of this is...
Who are we talking about?
Mugatu's in there.
For ten years,
there has only been one name
on the list of visitors
that he will allow.
Thank you.
For what?
For helping us.
When I was a little girl
growing up in albacete,
my room was covered
in pictures of
Derek zoolander.
The most amazing model alive.
Except I'm not one anymore.
My son called me
a has-been.
I'm a has-been.
What kind of has-been
were you?
I was a swimsuit model.
I'm so sorry.
My heart goes out to you.
I was never able
to transition to print
or runway.
To your world
of high fashion.
Because of these.
These intrusive,
oversized naturals.
These things could never fit
into a sample size.
You need to go
for this now...
Not later. Now.
Hansel, are you serious?
While Matilda lies
warm in her grave?
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.
Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.
A piece of spine.
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from
tales from the crypt.
The crypt keeper.
Hansel, stop it!
I'm not ready.
The world's most
notorious fashion criminals
are in there.
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get
inside your head.
Don't worry.
It's closed for business.
Give 'em hell, Derek.
You're goin' down,
You're goin' down,
listen to me!
You better
listen to the hammer!
Can't touch this!
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch mugatu! No!
Shut up, hammer!
Members only. Members only.
Epaulettes are not a crime.
Smart casual. Smart casual.
You can't touch him!
Mr. hammer is wrong!
Derek zoolander.
I've been expecting you.
What have you done
with my son?
Our most
overrated appendage.
When not allowed
the use of them,
you'd be surprised how quickly
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.
Your son
is doing wonderfully.
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...
He's incredibly smart.
Your accountant?
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?
When he was taken away
from you,
someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals
a day.
Eight? You bastard!
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.
I'd ask you
to scratch it for me,
but no doubt you'd think i
was just trying to trick you.
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.
In which case,
i should do the opposite
of that and help you.
Or don't help me.
I think that's even
a better option.
You're trying to
switch it around on me,
but I won't take the bait.
Sorry, mugatu.
I'm going with
my first instinct.
And helping you.
I really wish you wouldn't.
Too late. The die is cast.
I'd prefer that you didn't.
I'm going to do it.
Please don't.
Let me go!
Not until you
untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?
If I do,
will you let me go?
Which means you
will let me go.
So I'll do it.
Oh, my gosh.
Check and mate, mugatu.
Your move.
You really are an idiot,
aren't you?
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.
For ten long years...
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.
For ten long years.
For ten long years.
Ten years spent creating
some of the most realistic
and lifelike masks...
...ever made.
One for you.
And one for me.
All so that today...
...you can become me!
And I can become...
That's it?
You'll never get
away with this.
All of the guards here
are former male models.
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.
Guard! Guard!
Will that be all,
Mr. zoolander?
That will be all.
Come back here, mugatu!
Go get Derek!
Go get Derek!
And tell my orgy
i love them!
Where's my goddamn latte?
Oh, and, um, here.
What's that?
I missed you, too.
Oh, no.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
don atari,
what are you doing here?
Don't you knuck?
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.
You're like some
dangerous criminal
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.
That was some crazy
retro-bond shit.
So corny. I loved it.
Who are you?
Uh, hello! I know you been
all shawshanked out,
but, like, seriously,
I'm the new stupid king
of fashion, whatever.
don atari, baby.
So you know
who I am, right?
Derelicte was the dumbest,
You and spongebob are,
honestly, like, my biggest
influences ever, dude.
And did you just
escape from prison
in the most
ingenious way possible?
Uh, what?
And did you engineer
the abduction
and fattening of
the son of zoolander,
and delivery
of the chosen one
for ritual sacrifice
as the key to
the fountain of youth?
Did you?
Did you? Did you do that?
Did you say "naw"?
I... I said..."Naw".
So, I just want
to ask you again.
Do you know
who I am?
Whatever, you're...
I'm jaca-boo-who?
Jacobim mugatu.
That's right!
I'm jacobim mugatu!
Fashion genius.
And you...
You are no one!
Do you understand me?
No one!
I'm the mamba bajamba!
I'm the mamba bajamba!
You'll take my name
into death!
You should know, I actually
care about everybody
and everything very truly...
That's right!
I just killed
a little hipster!
Prison changed me deeply!
It affected me
I'm a psycho!
This is just the beginning.
Watch out!
Buyer beware!
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?
Guys, mugatz
just killed atari.
For serious?
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.
Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.
What's going on?
Why did you kidnap me?
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-Billy.
I'm just a fun,
non-threatening clown,
that's what I am.
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.
Come here.
There's an all-you-can-eat
pasta bar.
Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.
Which means
"whore's pasta"!
As in a whore,
who made this pasta.
Doesn't that look delicious?
Next, an all-you-can-eat
lard bar.
Squirt, piggy, squirt!
Squirt it! Squirt!
All the lard you want!
Fill your little
tummy full of lard!
Hansel, where is he now?
He's okay.
It's actually kind of nice.
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.
He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.
Oh, and pasta, too.
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him
for the slaughter.
You can drop
this stupid act.
I know who you are.
You're Jacob moogberg.
And you're supposed
to be in jail.
Hey! Jacob moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory
on skinny satin neckwear!
You hear me?
Okay. I got to make my move.
You listen to me,
biggie smalls.
I went to prison!
You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!
We roll in two!
You okay in there,
little fella?
We should call
the police boat!
They'll never get here
in time.
Who says swimsuit models
are useless?
Wait. What are you doing?
How long can you
hold your breath?
Take me from behind, Derek.
And grab me like your life
depends on it.
Not like this.
Like this!
For safety. And buoyancy.
Wait. What?
We are swimming back
to Rome.
Oh, okay.
I just talked to your dad.
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.
I never want
to see him again.
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.
He loves you
like you're his own.
I am his own!
He's literally
the worst father ever!
Do you know
it would break
your mom's heart
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?
You knew my mom?
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.
You didn't want to
cross her in the sack.
Those hips of hers
would put a love lock
on you to beat the band.
Wait, what?
I remember there
was one night,
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.
I was driving
the freight train,
your dad's tearing tickets
in the caboose.
She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.
You know where you, like,
try to pull it out but it
just keeps getting tighter...
Stop it! God.
Look... I'm not going.
Well, mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,
cut your heart
out with a knife,
and drink your blood!
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
I was exaggerating.
It's d-day, little dumpling.
You're an amazing swimmer.
Why are you doing this?
Don't talk with
your mouth full.
It's soaking wet!
It's ruined!
How are we gonna
reach hansel?
We need a phone.
Wait a minute.
Like this one?
Hansel, where are you?
I don't know.
Some kind of tunnel.
I think we're underneath
the incrediball.
It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.
It's at the caracalla baths.
I'll drop a pin
or a needle or whatever
and you can track
my coordinates.
They'll never let us in
looking like this.
Interpol fashion division!
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!
Why is Anna wintour walking
away from the red carpet?
We have to get in there.
Every bathhouse
I've ever worked at
always had a rear entrance.
I'm sure this
one's no different.
Come on.
This is definitely it.
If I feel around here
long enough,
I should be able
to find the hole...
Boy, am I glad
to see you guys.
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.
Hating you?
The last time I saw him,
he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.
He said that?
Yes. I mean,
I'm kind of paraphrasing,
and you had to read
between the lines,
but, basically.
Shut up!
Can we talk about this later?
Yeah, come on.
Let's go!
This way.
That's Alexander wang.
And Vera wang.
Both wangs.
Marc Jacobs.
Tommy hilfiger.
They are all here
for the sacrifice.
In the beginning of time,
god created Adam and Eve...
...and Steve!
We don't have backup yet.
Jacobeem mugowto
has deliver us...
...the choosen why-yun.
And behold,
god expunged Steve
from the garden,
only to redeem us
with eternal youth...
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little chosen one!
Derek, don't.
I don't care
if you're fat anymore,
Derek Jr.
I love you.
Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,
but you are by far
the best one.
I was a mistake?
I think so.
To tell you the truth,
we were having so much sex,
i can't remember.
Tell me about it, muchacho.
You're beautiful.
You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.
The fire?
The fire in your face.
I lost it the day
i killed your mom.
Oh, look. It's a sad,
scared little boy
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.
You are responsible
for all this!
You lured me to Italy
so you could escape
from prison.
You made don atari
and alexanya hire me
to set this trap.
But enough is enough!
Enough is enough!
Eat my blade, junior!
Time to die,
chubby checker!
Magnum, buddy. Now.
I can do this.
That did not work at all.
It just doesn't hold up,
does it?
You sleuthed
the whole thing out, Derek,
but failed to de-sleuth
the most important
piece of the puzzle.
I owned
the construction company
that built
the center for kids
who can't read good.
I personally made
sure they cut corners.
But that means that...
That's right, juju bean.
That's how I
killed your mother!
On CBS, right after
two broke girls.
Dad, it wasn't you!
It wasn't...
Wait. You called me "dad".
Oh, I guess I did.
Now you don't have
the ceremonial knife!
Which means,
no fountain of youth!
Come on, Derek!
We need the blood!
Stop being so emotional,
Just give him
the goddamn knife.
Derek, we need the blood!
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife,
Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
Shut up, Valentino!
Just shut up!
Everyone shut up!
There is no
fountain of youth!
I mean,
Adam and Eve and Steve?
Are you serious?
You actually believed
that crap?
It's literally
the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!
I get it if
Alexander wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!
Oh, please.
Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns
at men's wearhouse.
Oh, look,
it's the white witch
from narnia!
Oh, no, I'm sorry
it's just Anna wintour.
I'll knock your teeth out!
I'll rip your
goddamn tongue out!
Check out the new
spring collection
from hilfiger.
Brought to you
by white privilege!
You couldn't
make a down jacket
to save your life!
I don't understand.
You're saying
the legend isn't true?
Why are you doing
all of this, then?
Because Marc,
by Marc Jacobs...
...i knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather
the entire
idiotic fashion world
into one place with no exit!
Todd! Doors!
Todd! Silks!
For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!
Well, now it's my turn!
I was living
a peaceful life
of reclusion.
Why drag me into this?
Because my big issue is...
...i hate you,
Derek zoolander!
Then why kill all
those pop stars?
Why kill Justin bieber?
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin bieber?
Todd! Pooch!
It's a bomb!
Not just any bomb.
A device,
designed by Philippe starck
in collaboration
with al-qaeda
for their new spring
explosive collection.
Todd! Floor!
When I throw this
into this ancient
pool of lava,
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.
Leaving only me.
You can't kill fashion!
I'm afraid fashion
already killed itself.
Mugatu! I'm coming across!
Heat is a temporal construct
of the mind.
It doesn't exist.
It's so hot! It's hot!
Stop it, hansel! Stop it!
Derek, toss me the knife.
You got it!
So stupid.
What the hell
is your problem?
You guys are
the absolute worst.
Put the bomb down, mugatu!
Oh, you're the
bubble-butted playboy model
trying to take me down.
Swimsuit model!
Sports illustrated cover,
three years in a row!
Game on, my sexy sister.
They're sexy fighting!
Tommy likee.
Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will
get your attention!
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!
Fly, baby, fly!
Bust it out!
Yes! I knew it.
Hansel, I need your help.
Here, let me try!
It's not working!
Derek, it's not working!
I can't hold it, hansel!
I don't have it!
You've got your son!
I've got nothing.
Not anymore, hansel.
Who's your daddy now?
I don't know
who my daddy is!
That's the whole point!
I am your father.
Holy shit. Sting?
Let's do this now.
Nice try, but that
looks about as powerful
as your fat son's...
I'm not fat!
He's plus size.
And I've got the fire.
El nino! It's real.
It's so beautiful.
The prophecy was true.
He is the chosen one.
He's still so hot right now.
No way! It's a glitter bomb!
Looks like
you still have it.
I guess I do.
Well, we do.
Your face!
How bad is it?
Welcome to my world, bro.
- Hansel!
- Hansel!
What are they doing here?
I knew how much
they meant to you,
so I called them
on the way over.
You did that for me?
You're the best friend
anyone could ever ask for,
Derek zoolander.
You look so beautiful. Oh.
We missed you so much.
And I've missed you, too.
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.
Minus one.
I lost my baby.
I guess
kicking the door down
wasn't such a good idea.
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.
Wait. Are you sure?
You're right. We shouldn't.
Hey. It's okay, dad.
I don't think mom would mind.
Go to her, Derek.
You're cool with it?
I'm totally cool with it.
I'm dead.
Literally nothing
bothers me anymore.
Oh, and guess what?
Mugatu live-streamed
all of this
to every fashion blog
on the planet.
Everybody loves
you guys again.
Did you hear that?
We did it. We're back.
And famous.
And totally self-realized.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
If you're thinking...
Lava pool party!
They're back!
After six weeks
in the burn ward,
their disgusting
facial scars healed
by a miraculous
hot lava treatment
Derek zoolander and hansel
owning the runway once again
after exposing
fashion's top designers
in yet another
human sacrifice scandal.
This time with the aid
of interpol agent
Valentina valencia,
now zoolander's wife.
The two recently broke ground
for the Valentina valencia
center for swimsuit models
who want to be taken seriously
and maybe transition
into law enforcement too.
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.
Now a model parent.
And father of ten.
As crowds at
Paris fashion week
go cray-cray for
Derek zoolander, Jr.,
the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-
national book award winner-
one-half celebrity couple
Yes, these three are
totally on fleek...
Redefining what it means
to be really, really,
ridiculously good-looking.