8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e01 Episode Script

[# James Bond Theme playing]
Rory, what do you like
about James Bond?
I like that he has a license to kill.
[horn honking]
Yeah, me too.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What's this one called?
- Kyle.
- Hi, Paul Hennessy. Bridget's Dad.
- What's up! Kyle.
Kyle. Right.
Just so you know, Kyle, if you
ever pull into my driveway and honk,
you'd better be delivering a package
because you're sure as hell
not picking anything up.
- Uh, sorry, Mr. Hennessy.
- Please.
All the guys call me Paul, or
Sensei Paul, because of my black belt.
- Whatever you're comfortable with.
- [phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
- Your pants are ringing.
- Yeah.
What up, my brotha from anotha motha?
Oh, Lindsey, yeah, I
I can't talk right now.
No, I'm at a friend's house.
Yeah, just a friend.
Yeah. Late.
- Mr. Hennessy
- Please, Sensei.
Lindsey, huh?
You have other girlfriends, Kyle,
and that's fine with me
- Sweet.
if it's OK with my daughter.
Otherwise, you will continue
to date her and no one but her
until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.
[grunts forcefully]
- Hey, Kyle!
- Hey.
Oh, my God, you talked to him.
Little bit.
You two have fun!
Later, my brotha from anotha motha!
- Keys, keys, keys
- Where are you going?
You know this. I'm starting
the morning shift in ICU.
- I have to get down to the paper.
- You're in charge of the kids today.
Oh, right! That starts today.
Actually, it started
when they were born.
I just never worked mornings before.
You know, you could call them
and tell them you're sick.
Paul, you're doing this. Bye.
This is a bad day for me.
I've got a huge deadline.
Ed needs 800 words
on the boat show at Auburn Hills.
OK, I'll tell the guy without a liver
to hold on because there's a boat show.
- I owe you.
- [scoffs]
Paul, if you love me,
and if you ever want another shot
at a nurse fantasy
- And I do.
- And you do.
then you will stick to our plan
and share duties.
- You're right.
- [Kerry] Bridget! Give me that!
- [Bridget] That's my mirror!
- [Kerry] They're all your mirrors!
OK. This is where
sharing the duties begins.
Girls, don't make your mother
come up there!
Good job.
The boy. My boy.
Hey, Dad.
- Good morning, Care Bear.
- Yeah? Prove it.
Someone's not getting any
Mickey Mouse pancakes today.
Uh, Bridget Why are you
dressed like that?
It must be Casual Sex Day at school.
Hey! At least I get
look good.
Cupcake, I think you missed
the word "under" in "underwear."
I can see your bra and that slingshot
you're wearing under your pants.
- It's a thong.
- It's floss.
I can't wear anything else.
Panty lines. Hello.
Panty lines, hello, are fine.
- They were a big deal in my day.
- We're the Thong Generation.
Well, maybe that's why
your generation is so angry.
You're always walking around
with a wedgie.
Hey, Dad, did you know Bridget's
got underpants with leopard spots?
- What were you doing in my drawer?
- Showing my friends.
- Oh God!
- No, no, no.
Not the boy.
Never hit the boy.
Go upstairs, cover up!
[sighs]
- Kerry, sweetie?
- What?!
Problem in the coven?
You're so immeasurably not funny.
You seem like you're in
some kind of mood this morning.
- Is everything OK?
- Stop yelling at me!
I Uh
I'm not yelling. Honey
are you having your?
Are you on your?
Is it your
birthday?
No. It's not my birthday.
[screams]
- What?
- Sack lunches?
Only losers bring
their lunches to school.
I brought a sack lunch every day
all throughout college.
- Loser.
- Loser.
- [Kerry] Stop here.
- [tires screech]
[groans] Do not drop us off up front.
And after we walk away,
do not shout something after us.
- Or honk.
- Or wave.
Don't say "you're welcome,"
like you're making a brilliant point
because we didn't say "thank you."
Oh, Dad.
Bridgie! Care Bear!
You forgot your lunches!
You're welcome!
- Hey, Hennessy, think fast!
- Damn it, Tommy! Come on!
- I got a meeting with Ed in five.
- Easy. Ooh.
I'm sorry. I'm just a little crazed
because of my kids.
You should've seen
the way my daughter dressed.
- Which one, the hot one?
- No. You can't call her that.
- Right. Not in front of you.
- Not ever.
- Well
- No, come on, you know.
- You've got teenagers.
- But I've got the good kind.
Boys.
Boys are great.
My little guy's something, though.
He made the flag football team
this year. Defensive End.
Cute. Wanna hear something?
Guess what I found in Kyle's room?
- What?
- Come on, guess. Condoms.
- The big ones.
- Hey! Father of girls here.
- What?
- You and I are no longer friends.
When were we friends?
Whoa
Watch out for that one.
Come on, relax, he's 17.
What were you like at his age?
- Horrible.
- Well
Horrible!
- Wait a minute! Kyle?
- He goes to your kids' school.
Got kicked out of the old school.
In fact, I think he's friends
with the hot
- Bridget.
- Hot Bridget.
- Tommy
- [phone ringing]
I don't want to talk about the girls
right now. They're safe in school.
Suspended? Kerry's suspended?
She was ditching.
This isn't like her.
She's an honor student.
I have to ask, has anything big
happened in the home recently?
Well, before I switched to columnist,
I was named Sportswriter of the Month.
- How would that affect Kerry?
- It can't be easy living in my shadow.
- She doesn't care about your shadow.
- Come on, Sportswriter of the Month.
I meant something that
might be upsetting to the kids.
- Cate went back to work.
- What?
- Which was a mutual decision.
- I had to go back to work.
Bridget is two years away from college,
and unless she gets a scholarship
[laughing]
I'm sorry. Go on.
Both of us working and sharing duties
seems like the only way to make it work.
- Commendable.
- I make lunches and drive the kids.
- Once. You did it once.
- I got them to school, didn't I?
Next time make sure they walk
all the way in the building.
Hello! People.
Look, Kerry's a good kid,
but she's at that age where
there's a lot of peer pressure.
Drugs, sex, you name it.
And as parents,
you need to ask the hard questions.
Kerry, your father and I
are very disappointed
[beeping]
Oh, my God, it's the hospital.
I have to get back.
But, Kerry, I will be home tonight
and we will talk then, OK?
- You got this?
- Handled.
I got your nose.
[knocking]
- Kerry?
- Dad, can I go to the library?
- Just a second. Kerry?
- [horn honking]
Uh, that's my ride. Bye.
- Uh I've decided you can go.
- [door closes]
- Honey?
- What?!
Now come on, I gave you enough
Just a second.
What? I come in here
to think sometimes.
Get out!
I let you have
the entire afternoon to chill.
Oh, God.
You gotta tell me why you're ditching
school. What's going on, Care Bear?
Stop calling me that!
God, one Halloween costume at five
and it sticks for life.
Do I call you Man With Ax In Head?
Kerry, I am your father.
You can tell me anything, anything.
Anything?
Stop looking at my pupils!
I'm not on drugs!
I'm not accusing you.
Should I be? I mean, you know, I
There are certain signs.
You lost interest in soccer like that.
Yeah, in the third grade.
The coach wouldn't let me play.
You were too little.
I was afraid to send you in.
Well, something's going on with you,
whether it's drugs or
Are you using this?
My retainer? Yes.
- No, I'm not using birth control.
- Good.
- So, you
- No, I don't need birth control.
Better.
[giggles]
What?
It's funny that you're
worried about me,
when Bridget says stuff like,
"I'm going to the library."
"Hey, babe"?
"Hey, sexy"?
"Dat U?"
"Yes, it me.
Who dis dawg?"
"Jesse"? "Chatrooms"?
Oh, my God!
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- [Bridget] Hey, Dad.
Can you get me at the mall?
Lindsey's car died.
Mall? What happened,
and please try to be coherent.
We were on our way to the library,
but Lindsey's car died
but Amanda and Brooke were getting
a picture taken for Brooke's birthday,
which I want for mine,
they give you a makeover.
Wendy did one with this cowboy hat,
which was so cute.
- When I say coherent Who's Jesse?
- Skittles.
- Skittles?
- I'm getting Skittles for the movies.
- Who said you could go?
- I can't help it.
- I'm getting a nosebleed.
- You never listen.
- Who is Jesse?
- Forget it. I'll ride with a stranger.
No, don't you hang up on me.
Don't hang
God.
[grunts]
- Where you going?
- Out.
- Mall?
- Yeah.
Hey, check this out,
me checking you out.
Checking me out,
checking you out.
Yeah, I'm checking you out.
Kyle!
Hey, security, you've got
to stop that behavior over there.
They're holding hands.
Give me your pepper spray.
Just for a minute.
Don't tempt me.
- Hey, Kyle.
- I gotta go.
Hey, check this out.
Me checking you out,
checking me out,
checking you out.
[clears throat]
Oh. Hey!
- What are you doing here?
- Uh Oh, I just, uh
I had to pick up a new screwdriver,
the old one wouldn't
You need a ride home?
Mm-hmm.
- This is nice.
- What?
You usually don't let me
put my arm around you.
Oh, my God.
So, you really never planned
on going to the library, did you?
Sure, she did,
right after her Mensa meeting.
Mensa is a club for geniuses.
- I know what Mensa is.
- Kerry, this is private.
OK.
- Geniuses are really smart people.
- Kerry! Out!
Bridgie, the truth, come on.
All right, well I was trying
to run into Kyle.
I hoped he'd ask me to the homecoming
dance, but that's not gonna happen.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
She's already going with Dustin.
- Oh, my God!
- Bridget!
- You already have a date?
- Yeah, but I could do a lot better.
I mean, come on.
I'm past deadline,
sitting here feeling sorry for you
when you're at the mall
scamming for somebody better?
- Did he say "scamming"?
- He also says "chill."
Eww.
- Look at his pants.
- I know.
All right! Kerry, out!
- Bridget, you are grounded for a month.
- What? No, no, no.
- One week and I clean my room?
- No negotiating. Three weeks!
- One week, clean my room, no allowance.
- Two weeks.
- Well, let that be a lesson to her.
- All right, now you
I am sick of your smartass attitude.
You're not going to homecoming either.
- I wasn't going anyway.
- How come?
'Cause it's stupid.
'Cause it's for idiots.
'Cause, God
- 'Cause no one asked her.
- Uh, yeah.
[knocking]
- Kerry?
- Go away!
Look, Kerry, come on,
please talk to me.
- You got to let me in sometimes.
- Leave.
No, stay.
Dad
do you think I'm pretty?
Well, of course I think you're pretty.
What about that guy who hugged you?
I bet he thinks you're pretty.
Him?
I'm his friend.
I'm everybody's friend.
[sniffles] No one looks at me.
Well, you know,
maybe if you didn't dress so baggy.
I mean, you know,
you're starting to get a really nice
oh, boy figure, and
starting to develop things, so
Why hide it, I guess.
- Do you want some money?
- Dad!
I remember when you were born,
you had these huge eyes.
These enormous, expressive eyes.
Big, like on monkeys.
No wait, wait. First,
see where I'm going with this.
I got to watch this little girl
catch up to these beautiful eyes
and grow into this lovely young lady
who looks particularly pretty right now
because, heaven forbid, she's smiling!
A smile that can stop my heart.
Look at that, look at that.
Stop it.
So, in sum, yeah,
I think you're very pretty.
What do you know?
You're, like, 100.
- Dad?
- What?
Do you think I'm pretty?
Get out!
Hey, sweetie.
Paul?
- What's wrong?
- This is a bad place.
- I'm mad at you. Something you said.
- What?
"Let's start a family."
It was a bunch of years ago.
You wanted to keep going
till we had a boy.
And the boy is fine.
It's the girls.
The girls, they don't seem
to like me very much.
Where did you go wrong, Cate?
- So you had a rough day?
- Yes, I did.
So are you saying that I had
the tougher job all these years?
No. You had them
when they were cute.
They've changed.
Now, look, you're just
having problems adjusting to the fact
that your daughters
are becoming women.
That is ridiculous.
They are not becoming women.
Hey, you still have Rory, the boy.
He's gonna get older and you guys
can hang out at Hooters and drink beers
and come on to waitresses.
- That's true.
- There you go.
But I want the girls to love me too.
I know.
Hey, Paul, whatever's
going on in their lives,
you just have to trust
that they love you too.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Mom? Dad?
I'm really sorry for ditching school.
I won't do it again.
- Good.
- Glad to hear it.
I'll walk you up.
Good night.
You must have done something right.
Whoa.
- To what do I owe this honor?
- Daddy?
Oh, God, what do you want?
How about I'm only grounded for a week?
Six days. I didn't go anywhere good.
- Cate!
- I'm going with the boy you want,
- which is like being grounded.
- Cate!
You know, Lindsey
Hi, Dad.
Hey, where's your shroud?
- A friend's coming over.
- A boy?
Yeah. Is it OK?
To see you light up like this?
Sure.
- [doorbell rings]
- He's here! I'm not ready.
Hi, I'm Jesse.
- Chatroom Jesse?
- Yeah.
Hey, is Kerry here?
Mmm No!