Action Team (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Abacus
Abacus? (GUNSHOT) (BONE CRACKS) Argh! (FIRES TWICE) (FIRES) Argh! (GUNSHOT) Your Ssh, ssh.
You're OK.
Shush, shush, now.
Take your time.
Take your time.
You got all the time in the world.
You got something to say, say it.
Yourpenis is hanging out.
Oh! Is he? Is he really? Ah, he is.
Oh, God.
I'm I'm I'm mortified right now.
I'm test-driving a zip fly, and it's taking some getting used to, buddy! Maybe put it away? Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS) What's the point in keeping it out?! (LAUGHS) Yeah.
We just met, yeah? Let me get him back.
It's I've known guys ten years haven't seen my johnson.
This was my meet.
Gringori wasmy asset, Logan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know my name? You know me? I sit four desks away from you.
(LAUGHS) What - at the office? Agent 4043? 44? 49! What?! That's crazy! (LAUGHS) Gimme a second, bro.
(GRUNTS) We got Huxley? We got Huxley in? Huxley? So, this is aaftermath of a siege.
This is Agent 49.
He's dying.
This is Huxley.
He's doing some work experience with us during the summer.
Are you for real? Yes.
(LAUGHS) It's a new government scheme.
It's something I'm pretty proud to be a part of.
Bringing through the next generation.
Is Is that guy gonna die? Yeah.
He's definitely He's most certainly gonna die.
FindAbacus.
Aba- Abacus? Did he What could that mean? Ah, heck! He's dead.
He's dead as a daddy dodo.
Yeah! He's a nice guy.
I liked him.
He could do 500 press-ups on a couple of coconuts.
Yeah.
Good kisser, an' all.
Strong tongue.
Yeah.
He sounds like one hell of a human being.
OK.
Let's roll this out .
.
Action Team style.
Ma'am? We have a Skype friend request from a Vlad Schev 69.
Ah! Thank you, Anne.
Must be Vladimir Schevchenko of Oliviak, rogue republic of Russia.
I didn't know he was still active.
Shall I accept it and trace the source? Yes.
I was just about to say that.
LOUDLY: Accept it and trace the source! IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Cowardly custards of MI6! Hello.
Yes, this is MI6, Ruth Brooks.
How may I help? I have some pretty sick shit lined up for you buttholes in the West.
Oh, really? And what's that? Abacus! DRAMATICALLY, WHISPERING: Abacus, Abacus, Abacus Abacus is a myth.
Maybe it is .
.
maybe it isn't.
Or maybe it's completely just a false flag.
That isn't what 'false flag' means.
Isn't it? A false flag would be if we made it seem like you did something terrible, to frighten our own citizens.
Oh! You've picked up completely the wrong end of the stick! You fool! That's actually a lot cooler than what we thought it was in the first place.
So maybe it IS that.
Suck my dick, United Kingdom - North America's favourite bitch.
(BANGS CONSOLE) That was good.
That last bit REALLY felt good.
I mean It was Yes.
Brilliant, right? Yeah.
What bit wasn't so good, you think, Sergei? What bit did we lose them on? No.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Whisper.
What bit was it? False flag.
False-flag bit! The one bit I gave you to look after! Mr Schevchenko? You haven't hung up.
What? You do 'end call'.
What? Right.
I'm sorry.
This is an new laptop.
We're just trying to get the bugbears of it.
What have you done? I thought that it What do I press? I think it's circle button with camera on it.
Yes.
All right.
I think Can you still see? Just put the lid down! Just put the lid down.
Sorry.
You should be.
Is new laptop.
Well, I shall burn your mother's village down.
Oh, surely No! It is What were you doing in Morocco? You weren't supposed to be there! Before you say anything, you can't make me wear underpants.
What?! Yesterday.
The mission, where Mr John flopped out.
Was there something else on your mind? Yes.
Agent 49 is dead.
He was one of my best agents.
What - best at being dead? Just shut up.
You're a liability, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, really? Would a liability be able to pull this from his pocket? A dongle! I found it on 49 before he bought it.
Oh! That Great(!) Brilliant(!) I got it.
I got it.
Oh, God! It's difficult to get a grip on it.
Look at your fingers! They're huge! Get the glass off my fingers.
They're stuck.
Ah! That's it.
Right.
What's on this? Details for an attack on the National Theatre, Vienna, where this year's World Peace Convention is taking place.
We fear Abacus may strike.
'What? You're joking!' No, I'm being serious, Ruth.
I worked this out on my own.
'You're the best, Logan!' 'I dunno what I'd do without you.
' Oh, you'd be OK, but the world would be destroyed.
Right.
Well, that's interesting.
We had a direct threat from Vladimir Schevchenko, name-checking Abacus, this morning.
Clever! I look forward to taking him down.
No.
You won't be taking anybody down.
You'll be going to Vienna as eyes and ears only, and you'll leave the rest to the Austrians.
Why are THEY involved? Because Vienna's in Austria.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
You got anything, G-Whiz? Hell, yeah, Logi Bear.
I've noticed a lot more people dress their dogs here.
I've seen three or four with little vests on - mainly smaller breeds, but I did see a Rottweiler in a hoodie.
Hmm.
Must be a European thing.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm on you.
Cover me.
Right behind you, boss.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: Good morning, Mr LoganAction Team.
Your superior, Ruth Brooks, has sent me to assist in your operation.
I am Agent Bogohardt of the Austrian Secret Service.
We don't need any help.
We're fine on our own.
I have intel on a prime suspect that might be carrying Abacus.
Well, fuck me! Somebody pass me a wet-wipe.
All right? Monica Lang, head of explosives, mixed martial arts, pretty much anything goes.
Oh! Can you hear that? N-N-No.
It's like a .
.
it's like a galloping in my undercarriage.
Oh, steady! Oh, more like a canter now.
(SIGHS PASSIONATELY) Ah, hey Hey, Mo? Leave it.
Leave it for now.
All right.
Yeah, Mo.
Just Just chill out.
All right.
Fair play.
Right.
Right, show us this intel.
So, who's this butt-munch? This is well-known bomb-maker and terrorist Naslav Klone.
Wow! Such a Russian-baddie name.
He is Ukrainian, actually.
Well, what's the difference? Same thing.
Potato, po-tah-to.
One difference is that they are at war with each other.
Klone is down to perform at the main gala this evening.
In attendance will be the patrons of the world's leading charities.
We believe inside the cello case is a dirty bomb (SNORTS) .
.
codename Abacus.
The security will be incredibly tight.
I believe we have to infiltrate - OK, can it.
I got this, buster.
It's my team.
Right! Here's how we're gonna do this thing.
Hux? You're going in undercover as a waiter.
Um I-I'm only here on on work experience.
I don't think I'm ready to be a waiter.
There's no 'can't' here.
You can do this.
Graham, you're my eyes and ears.
As per.
Monica, you take Dork Vader here down to the basement.
'Hack into the mainframe.
Put one Logan Mann on the gala's guest list.
' Logan Mann? But are you not going in disguise? (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) It's called hidingin plain sight.
But you wouldn't know a thing about that, would ya? The king is in the castle.
Hey! What are you doing? Are you waving at me?! (WHISTLES) You're waving and whistling! No, no! You got to be a waiter.
Go to the ballroom.
Go in the ballroom! Ballroom, OK? Let me know as soon as Klone gets there.
I have Klone in my sights.
He's got a few big, suspicious suitcases with him, and he's flanked by some rather tasty-looking toe rags.
Over.
"Roger that.
" Evening.
Can I take your name, please, sir? Yeah.
It's Mann - Logan Mann.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your name is not on the list.
Would you mind checking one last time? Ah, come on, you fucker! (TAPS KEYBOARD FRANTICALLY) Boom! He's in.
Oh! Your name is here.
I apologise, Mr Mann.
Please have a good evening.
I intend to.
Thank you, John.
(SIGHS) Impressive! Yeah? So, what made you want to become a secret agent? Ooh, steady! Are you flirting with me? No, I'm just making small talk.
No, I actually, er became a secret agent in revenge for what happened to my parents.
Oh.
I'm I'm sorry.
Were they murdered? No.
Nah, they were divorced.
I'mreally, really sorry to hear that.
Oh, well c'est la vie.
It's It's funny.
I've, er .
.
never told anyone that before.
I just, erfeel like I can tell you anything .
.
you know? Of course.
You can tell me everything.
Yeah.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Argh! Fuuuucking hell! Oof! Vlad? Hello.
It's me.
Abacus is now active.
I will terminate them all.
There you go.
Oh! Don't mind if I ding-dang-do.
Thank you muchly.
In Austria, we say 'prost'.
Oh! Proeust.
(MUGS CLINK) By God! That IS milky tea, sir.
(CHUCKLES) It's funny, foreign milk, innit? Can I just say, Bogohardt, now that we're mates, um don't take Logan's banter too seriously, OK? I mean, they go on as if I'm boring sometimes, and I just laugh my head off, you know? Cos I'm all right.
I'm all right up herein the nest.
I got everything I need.
I got my pencils, I got my snacks and I can see what you've done now.
You've poisoned me.
(THUD OF BODY HITTING FLOOR) "Logan! Logan, look.
He's here!" Yeah.
"Logan!" Yep.
I I can see him.
I can see him.
Just I know.
Stop pointing at him.
You're gonna attract attention.
What? Oh, great(!) He's noticed you.
He's made you out.
Kid, get out of here.
Why? Cos a lunatic with a bomb - No! Yes! A bomb?! Buddy, work with me here.
Oh, my gosh! You were in the room with me when I was discussing the plan.
Kid, get out of here.
Get out.
"I'm going, I'm going!" Threat is live.
Oh! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Argh! OK, Klone.
You want this the easy wayor the hard way? Aaarrrgh! All right, chill out, everyone.
I'm from MI6.
Er, these men are from an evil network.
In that case is a dirty bomb.
Open the case.
Go on.
Open it.
Well, it - it is what looks like a cello.
If it is If it is a, um (CLEARS THROAT) .
.
a cello, play it.
Play it, music man! Come on, pick it up.
Play it! Play it! (PLAYS SLOW-PACED CLASSICAL MELODY) Well Ooh! (CLEARS THROAT) Holy shitballs! I did, er I did not expect to feel like to feel like this right now.
Beautiful sound.
Stop it.
Stop it! You've proved your point.
Very well proved.
And, um Round of applause! What a What a performance! Anyone else here think they were bad guys? I mean, straight off the bat who else would wear sunglasses inside? We are the Cataract Society String Quartet! Yep! Well, yeah, of course! Blind people.
That would Er, well, that's a great answer.
So, musician and a brain-box! Someone call security! Oh, there's no need for that! It's a It's a simple mistake.
Um Graham? Monica? Do you copy? Do you copy me?! Do you copy? (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Arrgh! Graham? Graham, can you hear me? Yeah.
OK.
Situation is, you've had a nasty fall.
You can't feel your legs.
You've soiled yourself and you're probably gonna die in a minute, I reckon.
So, what we're gonna do is this.
We're gonna turn ourselves over and, if I'm not mistaken, you should have some adrenaline in your bum bag, son.
OK.
(GRUNTS AND GASPS) Come on! Come on! (SOUND OF NEEDLE STICKING INTO FLESH) Aieeeee! "Logan? Monica? Do you copy? Over.
" "Logan? Monica? Do you copy? Over!" Bogohardt! Or, should I say, Abacus.
Finally he works it out! Idiots! I walked right into your midst, and How do you call it, Mr Logan? I'mhiding in plain sight.
You know, it was really sad, watching you chasing your own tail, like itchy-itchy-bum dog.
But your plan is very bullshit.
Oh, and, erwhat about Klone? Just a diversion.
I don't get it, though.
You were the threat to the convention this whole time? Mr Logan, you will never get it.
And now (GUN CLICKS) .
.
you're going to die.
Logan! Logan! (SOBS) Any last words, Western pigs? Yeah.
I got something to say.
You know your balls stink? My what?! Yeah.
You You have severely stinking bollocks, my friend.
And, sitting where I am right now, it's getting in my grille, up my nose.
I can taste your balls! (LAUGHS) Seriously?! For you, this is the last thing you ever want to say? You're more pathetic than I thought.
Do not beat yourself up about this, buster.
I know a lot of guys with smelly balls.
Here's what you need to do.
Have yourself a bath or a shower, and then, when you're done, dry off your squiddles and then sprinkle on a little talc.
Get those talced up nice! Just dust them down.
Yeah, dusting's good.
Just shut up! You just try to make me feel bad because you made shitty, shitty, bullshit plan, and not realise that I am Abacus! Ya got me! (LAUGHS) My plan really did stink.
But you know the only thing that stinks worse? What? Your gonads.
Your balls, eh? Oh, wow! I wash my balls, OK?! I wash and clean my balls every morning before breakfast.
(SNIFFS) I wash my balls, yeah? There's nothing wrong.
They don't stink! (TWO GUNSHOTS) Nice shooting, G-String.
"Nice shooting, indeed.
" Oh, it's an absolute pleasure, mate.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Got Logan Mann, ma'am.
Thank you, Anne.
Oh! What the hell is going on out there, Mann? Threat neutralised, ma'am.
Abacus is down.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Well done, team.
Great.
That's Mr Schevchenko on line two.
Fine.
Put him through.
Yes, Mr Schevchenko? What can we do for you now? Hello, everyone! Is everyone there? "Can you hear me?" Yes, we can hear you.
I can hear you.
That's right, you gas-buying bitches! Bogohardt is Abacus.
Abacus is down.
He's dead.
(GIGGLES) You fool! You stupid fool! Abacus is not one man! It's manymen! Abacus is everywhere! WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY: Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere! It's a good view from up there, wouldn't you say, Mr Mann? It's all right.
It's not the best view I've ever seen, but it's perfectly adequate, quite a nice view - (EXPLOSION) (HORNS BLARE / CAR ALARMS BEEP) Oh, God! That's me, Bullshit Mann! It was a double, double, double, double bluff! Slam-dunking your face! You see, the real fun, it begins now, and my next move will be more insane and more scary than this one even was! Good night! Well, I think you know what we're dealing with here, ma'am.
Yes.
What's going on, Logi Bear? Some sick maniac has just blown up a building for no good reason but to show off.
Butdidn't we do that last week in Morocco? No.
No, no, no, no.
That's a completely different explo- Why? It just is.
It was the exact same thing.
It really isn't.
You don't know what's going on.
But we did the exact same thing.
That's irrelevant.
It really is.
You're Inquisitive mind! I like that.
But keep it to yourself.
It's - Graham, mate, you shat yourself? That is affirmative.
Whew! Mate, that's strong.
(COUGHS) I know.
(GAGS) It's in my shoes.
(SIGHS) Ma'am? Yes, Anne? Do you fancy maybe grabbing a drink? (LAUGHS) No! Yes.
Of course, ma'am.
Good night.
You're OK.
Shush, shush, now.
Take your time.
Take your time.
You got all the time in the world.
You got something to say, say it.
Yourpenis is hanging out.
Oh! Is he? Is he really? Ah, he is.
Oh, God.
I'm I'm I'm mortified right now.
I'm test-driving a zip fly, and it's taking some getting used to, buddy! Maybe put it away? Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS) What's the point in keeping it out?! (LAUGHS) Yeah.
We just met, yeah? Let me get him back.
It's I've known guys ten years haven't seen my johnson.
This was my meet.
Gringori wasmy asset, Logan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know my name? You know me? I sit four desks away from you.
(LAUGHS) What - at the office? Agent 4043? 44? 49! What?! That's crazy! (LAUGHS) Gimme a second, bro.
(GRUNTS) We got Huxley? We got Huxley in? Huxley? So, this is aaftermath of a siege.
This is Agent 49.
He's dying.
This is Huxley.
He's doing some work experience with us during the summer.
Are you for real? Yes.
(LAUGHS) It's a new government scheme.
It's something I'm pretty proud to be a part of.
Bringing through the next generation.
Is Is that guy gonna die? Yeah.
He's definitely He's most certainly gonna die.
FindAbacus.
Aba- Abacus? Did he What could that mean? Ah, heck! He's dead.
He's dead as a daddy dodo.
Yeah! He's a nice guy.
I liked him.
He could do 500 press-ups on a couple of coconuts.
Yeah.
Good kisser, an' all.
Strong tongue.
Yeah.
He sounds like one hell of a human being.
OK.
Let's roll this out .
.
Action Team style.
Ma'am? We have a Skype friend request from a Vlad Schev 69.
Ah! Thank you, Anne.
Must be Vladimir Schevchenko of Oliviak, rogue republic of Russia.
I didn't know he was still active.
Shall I accept it and trace the source? Yes.
I was just about to say that.
LOUDLY: Accept it and trace the source! IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Cowardly custards of MI6! Hello.
Yes, this is MI6, Ruth Brooks.
How may I help? I have some pretty sick shit lined up for you buttholes in the West.
Oh, really? And what's that? Abacus! DRAMATICALLY, WHISPERING: Abacus, Abacus, Abacus Abacus is a myth.
Maybe it is .
.
maybe it isn't.
Or maybe it's completely just a false flag.
That isn't what 'false flag' means.
Isn't it? A false flag would be if we made it seem like you did something terrible, to frighten our own citizens.
Oh! You've picked up completely the wrong end of the stick! You fool! That's actually a lot cooler than what we thought it was in the first place.
So maybe it IS that.
Suck my dick, United Kingdom - North America's favourite bitch.
(BANGS CONSOLE) That was good.
That last bit REALLY felt good.
I mean It was Yes.
Brilliant, right? Yeah.
What bit wasn't so good, you think, Sergei? What bit did we lose them on? No.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Whisper.
What bit was it? False flag.
False-flag bit! The one bit I gave you to look after! Mr Schevchenko? You haven't hung up.
What? You do 'end call'.
What? Right.
I'm sorry.
This is an new laptop.
We're just trying to get the bugbears of it.
What have you done? I thought that it What do I press? I think it's circle button with camera on it.
Yes.
All right.
I think Can you still see? Just put the lid down! Just put the lid down.
Sorry.
You should be.
Is new laptop.
Well, I shall burn your mother's village down.
Oh, surely No! It is What were you doing in Morocco? You weren't supposed to be there! Before you say anything, you can't make me wear underpants.
What?! Yesterday.
The mission, where Mr John flopped out.
Was there something else on your mind? Yes.
Agent 49 is dead.
He was one of my best agents.
What - best at being dead? Just shut up.
You're a liability, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, really? Would a liability be able to pull this from his pocket? A dongle! I found it on 49 before he bought it.
Oh! That Great(!) Brilliant(!) I got it.
I got it.
Oh, God! It's difficult to get a grip on it.
Look at your fingers! They're huge! Get the glass off my fingers.
They're stuck.
Ah! That's it.
Right.
What's on this? Details for an attack on the National Theatre, Vienna, where this year's World Peace Convention is taking place.
We fear Abacus may strike.
'What? You're joking!' No, I'm being serious, Ruth.
I worked this out on my own.
'You're the best, Logan!' 'I dunno what I'd do without you.
' Oh, you'd be OK, but the world would be destroyed.
Right.
Well, that's interesting.
We had a direct threat from Vladimir Schevchenko, name-checking Abacus, this morning.
Clever! I look forward to taking him down.
No.
You won't be taking anybody down.
You'll be going to Vienna as eyes and ears only, and you'll leave the rest to the Austrians.
Why are THEY involved? Because Vienna's in Austria.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
You got anything, G-Whiz? Hell, yeah, Logi Bear.
I've noticed a lot more people dress their dogs here.
I've seen three or four with little vests on - mainly smaller breeds, but I did see a Rottweiler in a hoodie.
Hmm.
Must be a European thing.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm on you.
Cover me.
Right behind you, boss.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: Good morning, Mr LoganAction Team.
Your superior, Ruth Brooks, has sent me to assist in your operation.
I am Agent Bogohardt of the Austrian Secret Service.
We don't need any help.
We're fine on our own.
I have intel on a prime suspect that might be carrying Abacus.
Well, fuck me! Somebody pass me a wet-wipe.
All right? Monica Lang, head of explosives, mixed martial arts, pretty much anything goes.
Oh! Can you hear that? N-N-No.
It's like a .
.
it's like a galloping in my undercarriage.
Oh, steady! Oh, more like a canter now.
(SIGHS PASSIONATELY) Ah, hey Hey, Mo? Leave it.
Leave it for now.
All right.
Yeah, Mo.
Just Just chill out.
All right.
Fair play.
Right.
Right, show us this intel.
So, who's this butt-munch? This is well-known bomb-maker and terrorist Naslav Klone.
Wow! Such a Russian-baddie name.
He is Ukrainian, actually.
Well, what's the difference? Same thing.
Potato, po-tah-to.
One difference is that they are at war with each other.
Klone is down to perform at the main gala this evening.
In attendance will be the patrons of the world's leading charities.
We believe inside the cello case is a dirty bomb (SNORTS) .
.
codename Abacus.
The security will be incredibly tight.
I believe we have to infiltrate - OK, can it.
I got this, buster.
It's my team.
Right! Here's how we're gonna do this thing.
Hux? You're going in undercover as a waiter.
Um I-I'm only here on on work experience.
I don't think I'm ready to be a waiter.
There's no 'can't' here.
You can do this.
Graham, you're my eyes and ears.
As per.
Monica, you take Dork Vader here down to the basement.
'Hack into the mainframe.
Put one Logan Mann on the gala's guest list.
' Logan Mann? But are you not going in disguise? (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) It's called hidingin plain sight.
But you wouldn't know a thing about that, would ya? The king is in the castle.
Hey! What are you doing? Are you waving at me?! (WHISTLES) You're waving and whistling! No, no! You got to be a waiter.
Go to the ballroom.
Go in the ballroom! Ballroom, OK? Let me know as soon as Klone gets there.
I have Klone in my sights.
He's got a few big, suspicious suitcases with him, and he's flanked by some rather tasty-looking toe rags.
Over.
"Roger that.
" Evening.
Can I take your name, please, sir? Yeah.
It's Mann - Logan Mann.
I'm sorry, sir.
Your name is not on the list.
Would you mind checking one last time? Ah, come on, you fucker! (TAPS KEYBOARD FRANTICALLY) Boom! He's in.
Oh! Your name is here.
I apologise, Mr Mann.
Please have a good evening.
I intend to.
Thank you, John.
(SIGHS) Impressive! Yeah? So, what made you want to become a secret agent? Ooh, steady! Are you flirting with me? No, I'm just making small talk.
No, I actually, er became a secret agent in revenge for what happened to my parents.
Oh.
I'm I'm sorry.
Were they murdered? No.
Nah, they were divorced.
I'mreally, really sorry to hear that.
Oh, well c'est la vie.
It's It's funny.
I've, er .
.
never told anyone that before.
I just, erfeel like I can tell you anything .
.
you know? Of course.
You can tell me everything.
Yeah.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Argh! Fuuuucking hell! Oof! Vlad? Hello.
It's me.
Abacus is now active.
I will terminate them all.
There you go.
Oh! Don't mind if I ding-dang-do.
Thank you muchly.
In Austria, we say 'prost'.
Oh! Proeust.
(MUGS CLINK) By God! That IS milky tea, sir.
(CHUCKLES) It's funny, foreign milk, innit? Can I just say, Bogohardt, now that we're mates, um don't take Logan's banter too seriously, OK? I mean, they go on as if I'm boring sometimes, and I just laugh my head off, you know? Cos I'm all right.
I'm all right up herein the nest.
I got everything I need.
I got my pencils, I got my snacks and I can see what you've done now.
You've poisoned me.
(THUD OF BODY HITTING FLOOR) "Logan! Logan, look.
He's here!" Yeah.
"Logan!" Yep.
I I can see him.
I can see him.
Just I know.
Stop pointing at him.
You're gonna attract attention.
What? Oh, great(!) He's noticed you.
He's made you out.
Kid, get out of here.
Why? Cos a lunatic with a bomb - No! Yes! A bomb?! Buddy, work with me here.
Oh, my gosh! You were in the room with me when I was discussing the plan.
Kid, get out of here.
Get out.
"I'm going, I'm going!" Threat is live.
Oh! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Argh! OK, Klone.
You want this the easy wayor the hard way? Aaarrrgh! All right, chill out, everyone.
I'm from MI6.
Er, these men are from an evil network.
In that case is a dirty bomb.
Open the case.
Go on.
Open it.
Well, it - it is what looks like a cello.
If it is If it is a, um (CLEARS THROAT) .
.
a cello, play it.
Play it, music man! Come on, pick it up.
Play it! Play it! (PLAYS SLOW-PACED CLASSICAL MELODY) Well Ooh! (CLEARS THROAT) Holy shitballs! I did, er I did not expect to feel like to feel like this right now.
Beautiful sound.
Stop it.
Stop it! You've proved your point.
Very well proved.
And, um Round of applause! What a What a performance! Anyone else here think they were bad guys? I mean, straight off the bat who else would wear sunglasses inside? We are the Cataract Society String Quartet! Yep! Well, yeah, of course! Blind people.
That would Er, well, that's a great answer.
So, musician and a brain-box! Someone call security! Oh, there's no need for that! It's a It's a simple mistake.
Um Graham? Monica? Do you copy? Do you copy me?! Do you copy? (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Arrgh! Graham? Graham, can you hear me? Yeah.
OK.
Situation is, you've had a nasty fall.
You can't feel your legs.
You've soiled yourself and you're probably gonna die in a minute, I reckon.
So, what we're gonna do is this.
We're gonna turn ourselves over and, if I'm not mistaken, you should have some adrenaline in your bum bag, son.
OK.
(GRUNTS AND GASPS) Come on! Come on! (SOUND OF NEEDLE STICKING INTO FLESH) Aieeeee! "Logan? Monica? Do you copy? Over.
" "Logan? Monica? Do you copy? Over!" Bogohardt! Or, should I say, Abacus.
Finally he works it out! Idiots! I walked right into your midst, and How do you call it, Mr Logan? I'mhiding in plain sight.
You know, it was really sad, watching you chasing your own tail, like itchy-itchy-bum dog.
But your plan is very bullshit.
Oh, and, erwhat about Klone? Just a diversion.
I don't get it, though.
You were the threat to the convention this whole time? Mr Logan, you will never get it.
And now (GUN CLICKS) .
.
you're going to die.
Logan! Logan! (SOBS) Any last words, Western pigs? Yeah.
I got something to say.
You know your balls stink? My what?! Yeah.
You You have severely stinking bollocks, my friend.
And, sitting where I am right now, it's getting in my grille, up my nose.
I can taste your balls! (LAUGHS) Seriously?! For you, this is the last thing you ever want to say? You're more pathetic than I thought.
Do not beat yourself up about this, buster.
I know a lot of guys with smelly balls.
Here's what you need to do.
Have yourself a bath or a shower, and then, when you're done, dry off your squiddles and then sprinkle on a little talc.
Get those talced up nice! Just dust them down.
Yeah, dusting's good.
Just shut up! You just try to make me feel bad because you made shitty, shitty, bullshit plan, and not realise that I am Abacus! Ya got me! (LAUGHS) My plan really did stink.
But you know the only thing that stinks worse? What? Your gonads.
Your balls, eh? Oh, wow! I wash my balls, OK?! I wash and clean my balls every morning before breakfast.
(SNIFFS) I wash my balls, yeah? There's nothing wrong.
They don't stink! (TWO GUNSHOTS) Nice shooting, G-String.
"Nice shooting, indeed.
" Oh, it's an absolute pleasure, mate.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Got Logan Mann, ma'am.
Thank you, Anne.
Oh! What the hell is going on out there, Mann? Threat neutralised, ma'am.
Abacus is down.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Well done, team.
Great.
That's Mr Schevchenko on line two.
Fine.
Put him through.
Yes, Mr Schevchenko? What can we do for you now? Hello, everyone! Is everyone there? "Can you hear me?" Yes, we can hear you.
I can hear you.
That's right, you gas-buying bitches! Bogohardt is Abacus.
Abacus is down.
He's dead.
(GIGGLES) You fool! You stupid fool! Abacus is not one man! It's manymen! Abacus is everywhere! WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY: Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere! It's a good view from up there, wouldn't you say, Mr Mann? It's all right.
It's not the best view I've ever seen, but it's perfectly adequate, quite a nice view - (EXPLOSION) (HORNS BLARE / CAR ALARMS BEEP) Oh, God! That's me, Bullshit Mann! It was a double, double, double, double bluff! Slam-dunking your face! You see, the real fun, it begins now, and my next move will be more insane and more scary than this one even was! Good night! Well, I think you know what we're dealing with here, ma'am.
Yes.
What's going on, Logi Bear? Some sick maniac has just blown up a building for no good reason but to show off.
Butdidn't we do that last week in Morocco? No.
No, no, no, no.
That's a completely different explo- Why? It just is.
It was the exact same thing.
It really isn't.
You don't know what's going on.
But we did the exact same thing.
That's irrelevant.
It really is.
You're Inquisitive mind! I like that.
But keep it to yourself.
It's - Graham, mate, you shat yourself? That is affirmative.
Whew! Mate, that's strong.
(COUGHS) I know.
(GAGS) It's in my shoes.
(SIGHS) Ma'am? Yes, Anne? Do you fancy maybe grabbing a drink? (LAUGHS) No! Yes.
Of course, ma'am.
Good night.