AfterMASH (1983) s01e01 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021 So my
country's purpose is to help us
move out of the dark
chamber of horrors into the light.
To find a way by which the minds of men,
the hopes of men, the souls of men
everywhere can move forward toward peace
and happiness.
The president said we live not in a moment
of danger, but in an age of danger.
Nevertheless, we do live.
Yes, dear?
Mind if I switch the TV off?
Well, just turn the sound down.
It makes a nice work like.
Okie doke.
On your head, dear.
Naturally.
Thank you.
No charge.
September 26, 1950.
Dear Klinger, so glad to learn that you're
back stateside.
Less than glad to learn that things aren't
going so well for you, about which more later.
First, let me bring you up to date on
yours truly.
It's a joy being back with Mrs. Potter,
whom you will remember I used to speak of
so endlessly and practically added up to
infinitum.
I got off a real corker on her when I was
mustered out of the service last month.
The U.S.
Army, which usually makes mistakes only
on
days that have a Y in them, pulled a boner
and let me out one day early.
It was a grand opportunity to surprise
Mrs. P., and I just couldn't resist.
I have to tell you that those
eight steps up to my front
door felt better than any
victory parade I ever marched in.
It struck me, though, that what I was
doing was maybe not such a hot idea.
Surprising people my age puts a lot of
Undertaker's kids through college.
Sir.
Sir.
You are due till tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
Today isn't tomorrow, is it?
Sure it is.
You and I have nothing but tomorrows.
Do you think your husband will mind if I
come in?
Oh, what the hell?
That night we had the foreman.
A normal dinner we always planned to
celebrate my leaving the service.
You can bet your bottom dollar Mr. and
Mrs. Douglas A.
MacArthur wouldn't have done it any
different.
Unless he washed and she dried.
It wasn't long before I found myself doing
everything I'd so looked forward to.
Took me a few days to understand that it's
crabgrass and not the meat that will inherit the earth.
Painting the place, fixing the screens, being
generally helpful, took me all of two weeks.
Our social life got pretty much back to
normal.
One club.
Normal for people our age, that is.
One diamond.
Pass.
Grat.
It's not the end of the world, Sheriff.
Clevering?
Anytime.
It is the end of the world.
He's dead.
Oh.
Maybe he realized something right then and
there.
That I wasn't going to go on just killing
time until vice versa.
I borrowed some space from an old buddy
and started seeing a few patients again.
That's just where it hurts, Doc.
Albert, the pains in your chest are in
your head.
Your constipation is also in your head.
As well as your muscle spasms and
sciatica.
All your problems are in your head.
Now, if you're not here just for the
company, and you really want my
professional advice, I suggest we amputate.
Take off your dress, please.
Then I'd like a nurse in here.
Come again?
If I'm going to get undressed,
I'd like a nurse to be present.
Are you serious?
Doris Gardena, do you realize the first
time I saw you without a dress,
you had an umbilical cord sticking out of
your belly button?
But I'm a grown woman now.
Whatever you've got now is what you had
then.
It's all just blown up a bit, that's all.
And I've seen hundreds of what you've got.
And thousands of what I've got.
A doctor is a doctor, not a date.
Now, you either trust me or you don't.
Because if you insist on a
nurse being in here for your
examination, she's going to
have to take her dress off, too.
Sir, you wait.
Kind of.
You all right?
You want to talk?
Must be almost three.
I don't have to get home or anything.
Damn war has made me something else.
Took away my bedside manner.
Feels as good as ever to me.
Stethoscope feels like a noose around my
neck.
I hate going into the office.
But if I hang around here, put one more
layer of paint on these walls,
you're gonna need a railroad spike to hang
a picture.
I'm sorry.
Let's try to get some sleep.
What about General Pershing?
How about?
The VA hospital over in River Bend.
Old General General?
Wouldn't you be happier working with
veterans?
You'd be right at home.
My God, I wonder if there might be an
opening.
I'm sure they'd love a pair of hands like
yours.
It's only about 40 miles from here.
You wouldn't mind?
As long as we're finally back in our house
together, I don't mind anything.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Oh?
Well, but you have a mind, soldier.
Strikes me this is getting to be more like
a book than a letter.
I hope you've got the time for it.
Time I got plenty of.
Folks were kind of surprised when the General
Pershing VA hospital got built down River Bend.
It's way out in the boondocks, not too
close to anything but the train tracks.
And every time one goes by, it sets off a
bedpan symphony.
First off, I want to see Mike D'Angelo,
the hospital administrator.
Dr. Mortimer, please.
Hold your horses.
I'm going to two.
At least I thought I was.
Never get arrested for speeding in here.
Sergeant Potter?
It's Private Scannell, Sarge.
The fifth cab?
Bob Scannell, Fort Benning?
Benning, Paris, Chateau, Terry?
Of course, I should have known you.
You haven't changed that much.
Hell no, just lost my teeth, lost a lung,
lost my dog.
Can't seem to hold on to anything anymore.
You checking in for something?
No, no, I've got an appointment.
How long you been here?
Since 18.
Mustard gas.
Yes.
1918?
35 years.
Don't want to get well too fast.
They might draft me again.
Come see me next time.
I'm not going anywhere.
I will, Bob.
I surely will.
So long, Sarge.
Colonel Potter?
Mike D'Angelo, M.D.
Angelo.
Your M.D.'s at the back of your name.
Mine's at the front.
Come on in.
Colonel?
How about a smoke?
No, thanks.
Cigarette companies give them to us free.
Helps the patient's morale.
Especially the ones with lung and heart
trouble.
Well, we can't look a gift horse in the
mouth.
And I don't seem to know when to keep mine
shut.
I like a man who speaks his mind.
Well, you get to be a certain age,
your mind stops asking permission.
Quite a collection.
That's my wall of fame.
Being administrator has brought me into
contact with some very well-known elites.
Then-Vice President Truman.
General Omar Brass.
Sadly, fuzzy night.
Pretty impressive bunch.
I find most celebrities, when you get them down to
earth, can be even more common than you and me.
I must say, your own record is pretty
impressive, Colonel.
You MASH boys did one whale of a job in
Korea.
Too bad we couldn't win it over there.
We made our point.
To me, getting the hell home was winning
it enough.
So what do you think, Mr. D'Angelo?
Is there a spot here for me at General
General?
General, number one, we have very much of
a spot here.
Number two, it'd be a privilege to be able
to welcome you aboard.
And number three, why don't I show you
around my plant?
Pershing's small, but there are boys here
from the Spanish-American War.
They even had one from the Civil War in
for back treatment last month.
Joke around here was he heard it on his
honeymoon.
You see World War Oners here?
Veterans from World War II?
Korea?
Funny, the word veteran.
It suggests someone who's gone through an
experience, one that's all over.
For a lot of these people, their war goes
on every day of their lives.
Right here.
I get in line like everybody else.
How you doing, son?
Fine, sir.
Sherman Potter.
Danny Madden.
Korea?
How'd you know?
You look too young to vote.
Had to be Korea.
Whereabouts?
Here and there.
Know them both well.
I was with a MASH unit.
Had to move 23 times.
Only outfit ever put 5,000 miles on a
latrine.
Tell me where you were.
I bet we'd been there.
Hill 432.
Hill 432.
One came down for every five that went up.
They wanted to give it a name,
but hell was already taken.
And this wigwam belongs to the Chief of
Staff, slash Chief of Surgery.
All the medical departments are under him.
He only has to report to me.
It's a big job.
Pays 12,000 a year.
Sounds like a sweet deal.
You'll take it?
You're offering it?
Yes.
The former chief and I had to part
company.
Good man, but very uncooperative.
We were always locking horns.
Never satisfied.
He was.
Some people will kick even if they're hung
with a new rope.
With your years of medical experience,
your ability to command, you're just ideal.
I think your face belongs in this seat.
Ethel Wallace's husband didn't become
chief of staff until he was 68,
and running an animal hospital just isn't
the same thing.
Mildred.
I just can't wait for everybody to know.
We could either send out a few
hundred and now or just tell my sister.
Mildred.
Ah, Mildred.
Mrs. Chief of Staff, if you please.
Not quite.
I'm not taking the job, Mildred.
The chief of staff has to live on station,
on the hospital grounds.
We wouldn't be able to stay in this house.
Sherman.
You remember when we first moved into this
house?
I didn't have a wrinkle and I had a bus
line you could chin yourself on.
Well, this house and I have both gotten
creaky.
What are you saying, Mildred?
We're bugging out, soldier.
I feel so blessed, Max.
If only I could share my happiness with
you.
Okay, buddy, let's go see the judge.
Okay.
Maxwell Klinger, you're charged with
operating a telephone in a bookmaking
parlor behind Wolf's Barbershop at 4220 Stickney
Avenue on the afternoon of September 26th, 1953.
How do you plead?
Guilty or not guilty?
Both.
You can't.
Has to be one or the other.
Then guilty with the explanation that I'm
not guilty.
What is this nonsense?
Where's your lawyer?
Unfortunately, he was arrested in the same
raid.
Get on with it, then.
If it please the court, I'm a Korean vet.
In fact, I'm a Korean vet if it don't
please the court.
And things haven't exactly
been what I thought they'd
be while I was still over
there before I came back here.
I remember when the G.I.s came home after
World War II.
That was like a hit war, you know.
People threw flowers.
The G.I.
just opened his mouth and somebody put a
kiss in it.
I didn't expect around-the-clock parading, but I
didn't think everyone would go into hiding, either.
It's like the biggest secret of the Korean
War was that there was a Korean War.
You know what kills me?
Nobody calls it that.
Police action.
Korean conflict.
Take it from me.
It was a war.
It was dirty.
It stunk.
At least, let's call it what it was.
Don't get me wrong, Your Honor.
I'm no kind of hero who couldn't wait to
get over there.
First thing I did when I got my letter from
my draft board, I tried to shoot my big toe off.
I'd have done it, too, but my foot was too
fast for me.
Maybe a medic, an orderly, a clerk.
And most of what they told me to do, I
couldn't unless I lied a little, stole a little.
Somebody grab you and say, the ambulance
is full, corporal, go get a truck.
Only you ain't got a truck.
So you run down the road and you see a
driver from some other outfit in the woods
with a copy of Stars and Stripes and his pants
are down, and then suddenly you got a truck.
Gets you a laugh in the army.
Here, that gets you two years.
Or three.
Anyhow, it's been no bowl of roses coming
back.
I married a wonderful girl overseas.
Wonderful.
But believe me, Eva Braun wouldn't get the
kind of look she gets over here.
We'll be all right, though.
All I need is time, Your Honor.
Not the kind of time you give out.
I gotta learn to stop taking shortcuts.
I gotta put the war, the conflict, whatever the hell
they tell me I went through, I gotta put it behind me.
You think you can make that adjustment?
I once picked up a heart with my bare hands
that slipped out on the table during an operation.
I used to have to throw away arms and legs
that weren't even 20 yet.
In between, I was sleeping on a two-inch
thick mattress full of three-inch thick
bugs and eating food that was pre-barked
before we got it.
Your Honor, if I can adjust to that.
It's from my CO, sir.
Colonel Sherman Potter.
He's offered me a job in the VA as his
clerk.
In Missouri.
He says I can begin right away and take a
civil service test later.
This could be a fresh start for you.
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
Have you got money to get there?
If I let you go, you're not going to steal
a train or anything?
No, Your Honor.
But if you haven't spent all of this year's
budget, why send the surplus back to Washington?
Number one, Washington loves to get money.
They're always giving it away.
You send the bureaucrat back there a
check, he'll spend in his chair for an hour.
Number two, image is everything.
Show them how well we handle funds by sending
some back, they'll send us even more next year.
But that only means you'll have more to
send them back.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Emergency call for Colonel Potter.
Colonel Potter here.
When?
No idea.
Well, keep looking.
I'll be in my office.
A patient, Danny Madden, kid from Korea.
I talked to him in the cafeteria that
first day.
He's nowhere to be found.
How do you call the police?
You don't.
Our security guards will take care of it.
They're crackerjacks.
There's a very, very troubled boy out
there somewhere, Mike.
We need all the help we can get.
No police.
The papers eat this kind of thing up.
There's some things more important than
image.
You let Washington know you can't run your
own shop.
And they'll stop sending you all that money that
you send back instead of using it on the patients.
So they'll cover our noses with brownie
points.
Excuse me, Mike, but I spent
too many years in the cavalry
not to recognize the gentle
thud of stable droppings.
Sorry.
But you did say I could speak my mind.
You can speak it all you like.
Just don't act on it.
Respiratory therapist, report to ward 2A.
Hi, Sarge.
Or should I start calling you Colonel?
Don't bother.
I was much better as a sergeant.
Down this is my footlocker.
That's you and Blaze.
You just got through grooming him when it
took that.
I don't look too proud, do I?
Never realized it before.
My horse and I had the same teeth.
You keep it, Sarge.
I got plenty more in my head.
Thank you, Bob.
We'd have gone through hell for you, sir.
Never been anyone like you to look after
his men.
Get me the police.
Colonel Potter here.
Oh, thank goodness.
Where did you find him, Chief?
Oh, my God.
Do we know if Mrs. Potter's all right?
No, no.
Don't go in.
I'll be right there.
In the kitchen, dear.
Mildred, are you all right?
I'm fine.
We're just having some coffee.
Just wondering when you'd get here.
I found your service revolver.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
You have to go back there by yourself.
This woman's never harmed you, son.
Nobody's taken me back to Korea.
I'm not going up any more hills.
No one wants you to.
You just showed up at the hospital, right?
Just like that?
Didn't come to take me back?
Well, I'm not going.
You tell him not to send anybody else.
I got other plans.
Sherman.
You don't care, do you?
You're the one who doesn't care.
You're the one who's looking to send his
brain across the room.
Do it, then.
Go ahead.
Pull the trigger.
It's all you can do, isn't it?
Give orders to kill.
Go to hell with it.
Nobody's telling me to do that again.
He's fine, Chief.
Take it easy.
Are you both okay?
Fine, fine.
No problem.
Take it easy with him.
I'll see you in the morning, Danny.
Oh, I'm sorry about this, Mildred.
I didn't know this would be the kind of job
where the patients make the house calls.
I never knew you were so brave.
I never meant to kill anybody.
He just wanted to show someone how much he
was hurting.
I never had your courage.
Took me a while to get it.
I started as a coward.
You're both all right.
Thank goodness.
If he had shot you, you can't imagine the
paperwork.
We've got a long way to go with that young
man.
I triggered some horrible memories for
him.
I couldn't help but notice several squad
cars outside your door, Colonel.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you
called the police.
But I don't see any reporters around and
nobody's harmed.
As old Bill Shakespeare once said,
all's well that ends well.
Old Bill doesn't work for me.
Well, that makes two of us, because I
don't either.
I work for the patients.
Forgive me, Mrs. Potter.
This uncooperative attitude is totally
unacceptable from a Chief of Staff.
Lucky for you, somebody's already been
fired for that.
Staff meeting, 7 A.M.
Ma'am.
It's a good thing you didn't try to stay a
coward.
You would never have made it.
What kind of
Oh, please, Mrs. Potter, let me help.
No need, dear.
We've got a dishwasher.
Really?
I'd love to meet her.
Thanks, honey.
All set to start tomorrow?
I wish I could tell you how grateful I am,
sir, both of us.
This cigar imported from Toledo is all the
thanks I need.
They make them right next to the rubber
factory.
No.
Who?
Sister Angelica.
Angelica, I'm calling from Philadelphia.
My brother is Francis Mulcahy.
Oh, how is your brother the father,
sister?
Uh-huh.
Huh.
Is he there?
Would you put him on, please?
Francis?
Francis?
They try to tell us we're too young.
Drunk?
Too young, too wheelie, being loved as a
skunk.
Colonel Potter's office.
I have a long-distance call from St. Louis
for Max Klinger.
Yeah, yeah, this is me.
Go ahead, please.
Klinger?
Colonel, is it over?
No, no.
Just wanted you to know.
Everything's going according to plan.
The operation's in about half an hour.
Sir, if there's an officer's club in
heaven, you're gonna be the maitre d'.
I'll call you as soon as it's over, Max.
First thing.
I put the graft right over the perforated
eardrum.
It's not unlike putting a patch over a
torn sail.
So simple.
Brilliant.
The Germans, there's nothing they can't
do.
Except play jazz.
Packing.
Packing.
I've never seen so little bleeding.
He's got friends in high places.
When will you know, sir?
Next week.
That's when the packing comes out.
But it went well.
Dr. Raymond is the best man I've seen
stateside.
I can't believe the progress they've made
in medicine.
People will be lining up to get sick soon.
And how's Colonel Mrs. Potter doing,
sir?
Been in every department store in St.
Louis twice.
She's never sure she's picked out the
right dress.
Yes, you used to be a pleasure.
Thank you, sir.
Look forward to seeing you back,
especially Father Mulcahy, too.
How's those at it, General General?
You managing without me?
No problems, except the usual paper
blizzard.
Oh, and one of the patients in orthopedics
ward.
Somebody smuggled him in some booze.
Is he all right?
He's fine.
The only thing is he painted all the
toilet seats in the middle of the night.
There's an awful lot of red faces around
here this morning.
Well, hold down the fort, Klinger.
Consider it held, sir.
You are sloppy, you are slipshod,
you are careless.
Your records are incomplete.
Your inventory totally out of whack.
In your issue book, you requested a gross
of paperclips and two staple removers.
I went through your drawers.
I found you already had enough of both.
You went through my drawers?
An executive executes, Mr. Klinger.
Her own orders and anyone who doesn't
carry them out.
It's Hornbeck.
Yes, Miss Cox.
I find typing goes a lot faster when you
actually press down on the keys.
Yes, Miss Cox.
And why don't we make shorter nails the
rage this year?
Yes, Miss Cox.
Can I go now?
I could let you go, but then this wouldn't
be the end of it.
Dr. Pfeiffer, the resident?
Yeah.
You forgot to get his signature on these
lab slips.
And half of them have only half the copies
you need.
I want these on my desk first thing in the
morning.
Yes, ma'am.
It'll probably all go a lot faster if you
don't play your radio.
Yes, ma'am.
No radio.
I'll shoot it.
Do you love your arms, Mr. Klinger?
Ma'am?
Do you want us all to share and admire the luxuriant
tufts of silky hair that cover your public parts?
This is a hospital, Mr. Klinger.
Roll down your sleeves before someone
throws you a banana.
Sign these as quick as I could, Miss C.
Thank you, Mr. D'Angelo.
How goes it, Klinger?
Right.
Heard from our Colonel Potter?
He'll be back late Sunday, sir.
That's a good day for it.
How are you enjoying your work here?
I'm thrilled to the teeth, sir.
If you need any help, this is the guy to
see, Alma Cox.
She's number one when it comes to problems
around here.
That's what everyone says, sir.
Is he asleep?
No, no, no.
He's still groggy.
Oh, Mom, Dad, I hope you're not angry.
I know I'm not supposed to steal rides on
the back of streetcars.
I never played hooky before, either.
I think it was the cross that made me do
it.
The right cross from Sister Stanislaus.
She got so mad when the bomb went off and
I went deaf.
I don't know why they put bombs on
streetcars, but that's Korea for you.
Hawkeye used to say Korea, first cousin to
Daya.
I bet he could have talked the archbishop
into giving me a parish.
What good is a deaf priest in a
confessional?
That's all the juicy parts.
Maybe she hit me because of the drinking.
There's some nuns that do it, too.
I've seen a few wobbly habits in my time.
But that's no excuse.
How am I going to come through this,
Lord?
Just give me a sign.
Just one sign from above.
Faith, Francis.
Faith.
He's a lot shorter than I thought.
One step at a time.
Same.
Terrific.
How you doing, Edwards?
Blousy, rotten, crappy.
That's the spirit.
Yeah, that looks fine.
Let's continue with the same dressing.
Yes, Doctor.
Mr. Sterner, I'm Dr. Pfeiffer.
I'll be looking after you today.
You weren't here last year.
I'm a resident.
You're a real doctor?
Yeah, I can do anything a regular doctor
can do except putt.
How are you doing?
Couldn't be better.
I'm in for my liver function tests.
They don't do those till now.
Next Thursday.
This is only Saturday.
I don't mind spending a week in bed.
Why do I have the feeling your liver
functions better than this hospital?
Last year, the lab messed up and I was
here for two weeks.
Two weeks?
For one set of tests?
You could have used the Grand Canyon for a
specimen cup.
You can take my temperature if it'll make
you feel better.
You know how to do that, don't you?
Yes, I do.
But you wouldn't like it.
I'll see you later, Mr. Sterner.
Healthy people are no help to me.
What I need is a good plague.
Somewhere.
Hey, Doc, the men are here with your red
tape.
Don't they ever run out of paper around
here?
Only in the Johns.
Every place I put a check.
Where does all this garbage wind up?
In records.
Every minute of every day, every breath,
every fact, every fiction, it's all in the files.
And a key is kept in a dark and tiny place
where no man has ever been.
Alma Cox's heart.
Ah, the wicked witch of the Midwest.
Soon-Lee sends her love, Doc.
How's she feeling?
Her throat's much better, thanks to you.
No charge.
If you ever need a favor, I'd swim the
Sahara for you.
Dr. Pfeiffer.
Where do I sign?
The woman's in admission.
She was a whack in World War II.
Severe abdominal pains?
Well, why don't we admit her?
Well, female patients have to have a
private room, and we don't have one left.
Then how the hell do we get one?
Swearing does not help at all, Doctor.
Damn, careless of me.
What I've got to do is submit a form to
the Space Committee requesting permission
to convert some space for use as a private
room.
That's strict SOP.
Clinger?
Start swimming.
Aye, aye, sir.
Max, look at this.
Oh, yeah, I seen that there.
The Colonel and his wife, they were so
young.
Well, nobody starts out old, you know.
Mrs. Potter was very pretty.
Not as pretty as you, Soon-Lee.
It's your turn to say I'm prettier than him.
To me, you are the most beautiful man in
the world.
Really.
I wake in the morning before you just to
look at you.
Honest.
I study your eyes, your nose.
Next thing you know, it's noon.
Don't make fun.
I love it.
You think one day we'll live in a big
house like this?
Bigger.
Bigger?
Yeah.
And with children?
As many as you want.
With your face.
And your brain.
And my nose.
We will need a bigger house.
You rat.
You come here.
Get over here.
Come on.
Come on.
We got to do a lot of this while we still
look like our wedding picture.
Sure.
Jeez, the folks are here.
Wait, what?
Lipstick.
Got it all?
Enough.
Father!
Max!
Father!
Father!
Oh, you're a sight for sore ears, eh?
Gus, you look terrific.
I think I've never seen you in black
before.
Well, there's a mask and a cape that go
with it.
Oh, Soon-Lee.
Father, are you all right?
Are you in there?
Oh, I'm perfectly fine.
My goodness, the last time I saw the both
of you was the day I married you.
You did a good job, too, it took.
Well, as long as you love, honor,
and obey.
Well, I usually get two out of three.
That ain't bad.
Francis, I think you might like to sit
down.
Let's ask Gail to get the coffee.
Aye, this seems a lovely house, Colonel.
Chief of Staff has to live on station.
Place goes with the job.
Really?
Free?
Yep.
Except for the rent.
Why don't you sit there, Francis?
I live about six blocks from here, Father.
Me and Soon-Lee.
Not a house, too.
Not exactly.
Not exactly an apartment, either.
It's very small.
We don't live in it.
We sort of wear it.
Well, I must say, you seem to be adjusting
to civilian life splendidly.
Like a ruptured duck to water.
Certainly quite a tie.
Loud, right?
Can't get enough color all that time in
khaki.
Khaki shorts, khaki socks, shirts.
When I came home, I burned it all.
Even the flames were khaki.
Tell me about Soon-Lee's family.
Their farm had been wiped out.
Sixteen of them were living in an empty
aircraft crate.
We helped them get set up again.
He sends them something every week.
Nothing much, just a pittance or two.
What about you, Father?
Yes, well, I, uh
Well, as you know, I've had my operation so
thoughtfully arranged by one Sherman Potter.
America's kid colonel.
So now I'm here in River Bend for some
operation.
We'll wait an hour and hour, and in a couple of
weeks we'll know if the operation was a success.
Then back to Philadelphia?
Then back to Philadelphia?
Didn't you just say that?
Yeah, aren't you going back?
Back where?
Philadelphia.
Oh, yes, yes.
I get the bends without that brotherly
love.
We'll see them in six months when they do
the other ear.
No, Sherman, I've been thinking about
that.
If this ear, the really bad one, is okay, I'm
not going to need that other operation at all.
Well, let's see.
I won't even have to wear this nuisance.
Damn thing, makes you hear more than
anyone was ever supposed to.
You pick up everything, straight ahead,
backwards, sideways.
You go to a movie, all you hear is the
movie.
I hear that and the people behind me
making babies.
Father.
Oh, thank you.
Sherman.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, wait a minute.
Can you make a toast with coffee?
Why not?
To the nicest Sunday since the war.
May they all be this way.
For each and every one of us.
Hear, hear.
Pardon?
Hear, hear.
I certainly hope to.
Good night, Mary.
Good night, Miss Cox.
Oh, Mr. Johanson.
Are we having a little picnic for
ourselves?
Ma'am?
You know you're not supposed to eat in the
storeroom.
I wasn't.
There's a female patient in there.
That's why I was told to change it into a
private room.
Anyway.
Who told you to do that?
Mr. Klinger.
Mr. Klinger did, did he?
Going down, ma'am.
He certainly is.
When did the fever begin?
During the night.
Same discomfort, Miss Shaw?
Mm-hmm.
Record says you served in France.
Yes.
I saw some action there myself in World
War I.
I know that's hard to believe.
I was only five at the time.
You lied about your age.
Still do.
Well, we'll see what's causing that pain.
Doctor?
What do you think?
I'm not sure.
What do the symptoms tell you?
Appendicitis?
Or?
Chronic pelvic inflammatory disease?
Or?
Ruptured ovarian cyst?
Or?
Those are my only ors.
Did she let you take a smear?
No, she wouldn't let me do a pelvic
examination.
Then you got yourself another or.
How about VD?
Oh, no.
Why not?
How'd a nice lady like that get VD?
The same way a naughty lady would.
Let me tell you something about Cupid's
bacteria, son.
Most Democratic creatures in the world.
They couldn't care less if you're a king
or a queen or Al Capone.
All they want to do is get on with their
work, which is usually done in the dark,
with the most awful racket going on around
them.
Take the tests.
Yes, sir.
Every morning starts here.
A cup of Joe, a few laughs.
This is just like the old 4077.
This is just like the old 4077.
Right.
Anybody who can walk, roll, limp,
or inch their way along comes in here.
The guys in blue, they're the lucky ones.
They come down for their meals.
Are any of these people mental?
Only the doctors.
They're the ones in white.
Morning, early bird.
I love your tie.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
It's nicer than the one with the volcano.
Well, we try.
The young lady seems to have quite an eye
for you.
Not a chance, Father.
I know the Fifth Commandment.
Thou shalt not kill?
You mean the Sixth Commandment.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Oh, yeah.
Well, six will get me five.
Hey, Doc, meet Father Mulcahy from my old
outfit.
This is our resident, the fine Dr.
Pfeiffer, Father.
Boy, try saying that fast three times.
You had the tympanoplasty.
Try saying that once.
What an operation.
A year ago, it was unknown.
You were really lucky to go deaf when you
did.
Well, my loss was my gain.
It's a privilege, sir.
I keep trying to meet interesting cases
like you.
Father.
Pfeiffer?
Father.
Did you always drink that much coffee?
I don't know how much Colonel Potter has
told you.
A bit of a drinking problem.
I know.
Pride, vanity, frustration, not being
given my own parish.
I can't tell you how many times I've been
crocked in my frock.
Is there anything I can do, Father?
Just knowing you care helps.
This right arm is yours.
This right arm is too.
Mr. Klinger, report to Ms. Cox.
Mr. Klinger, to the executive secretary's
office.
Yes, sir, please.
Alma Cox, Father.
Executive vampire.
But you'll be safe.
Just hold up your cross.
Come by my office.
Or I could come to your office.
Much better.
Good morning.
I'm the chief chaplain here at General
Pershing, Simon Foley.
They call me Holy Foley.
Ah, great pleasure, sir.
I'm Father Mulcahy.
They call me Father Mulcahy.
You were with Colonel Potter at the 4077?
Yes, he did his work.
And I did mine.
We called it our body and soul shop.
Good man.
I understand you just had Oh, watch it!
Is he all right?
Come on, Edwards.
You can get up.
I can't.
Stand on your leg.
If I had my leg, I'd stand on it.
What are we going to do with you,
Mr. Klinger?
I don't know, ma'am.
Barney, what do you think we should do
with Mr. Klinger?
Oh, I don't know, ma'am.
I'm typing very hard.
Sounds like still more of those nails
could come off.
Well, I certainly don't know what to do
with you.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
Oh, now it's sarcasm, is it?
You're in very hot water, Mr. Klinger.
Even though my sleeves are down?
Who gave you permission to convert storage
space into a private room?
No one.
It just seemed a thing to do.
That is the last reason to do anything.
Good morning, everyone, and all.
Morning, Mr. D'Angelo.
Good morning, sir.
Back in the principal's office,
Mr. Klinger?
Rules and regulations, Mr. Klinger.
And regimentation.
Those are the three R's around here.
But if there's an emergency
You're not the one to decide.
Clerks don't run hospitals.
You're not at war anymore.
Well, the fun had to end sometime.
Record, Mr. Klinger.
That's the fourth R.
This incident is going on your record.
A stain on your record is like a hot brand.
It marks you for life.
Like the Scarlet letter.
What's that?
You don't know what the Scarlet letter is.
Is it another R?
It is the letter A.
And it stands for a low, vile,
disgusting thing.
A.
A.
I've got it.
Alma.
Alma.
All right.
Potter here.
Oh.
You're right, sir, about Miss Shaw.
Oh?
You tell her?
I went to see her a few minutes ago.
It was kind of rough on me.
I mean, I've never had to tell a woman she
had those particular initials before.
You got VD.
She was very good about my embarrassment.
She said I'd get over it.
Fine.
They tell me I shouldn't feel anything
down there, but I do.
Phantom pain.
You know what that's like?
Oh, yes.
Now that I'm deaf, I hear a lot of rotten
things that were said about me years ago.
Phantom insults, you might say.
What's it like not hearing?
Well, they once asked Helen Keller if she
could have one of her senses restored,
her sight or her hearing, which would she
choose?
And she said she'd stay blind if she could have
her hearing back because being deaf was so lonely.
Well, at least you can wear something to
help you.
Well, so can you.
It can't fit me right.
They keep remolding it, I keep getting
sores.
I can't do it.
I feel like I'm walking on somebody else's
leg.
Surely that's all in your mind.
I'd like to see Jackie Robinson steal home
and that thing.
Edwards, I wonder if I could borrow your
leg for a while.
I mean, the one you don't have, this one.
Go ahead, take it for a walk.
God knows I can.
How you doing, Father?
I think I know the cure for this.
I'd hear five minutes and he's nuts
already.
You want to see me, sir?
You are the last person I want to see.
Didn't I tell you to stay out of Alma
Cox's way?
Didn't I tell you to keep your nose clean no
matter how many minutes it took to do the job?
Now I want you to sit yourself down and
write me the reprimand that I'm supposed
to write about you with the spare five
minutes I have needed to do this job.
I haven't even got to go to the latrine
unless I fill out three forms and get
permission from the Joint Toilet
Committee.
Sir, if this is about the private room,
he did it for me.
I needed one fast.
I see.
Well, two rights do not make a wrong.
The hell with Alma Cox.
I'll deal with it.
You know the way to go.
A penicillin.
A magic bullet.
Penicillin?
What?
You got V.D.
Alma Cox?
Who volunteered?
Oh, Miss Shaw.
Private room.
Oh, that's a shame.
Not the best thing a person wants to have
on their record.
Hi, Bonnie.
For you.
Gee.
I love your nails.
When you cut them, I love to have the
clippings.
Oh, you do.
Gosh, this is my favorite flavor.
How about a favor for the flavor?
The key to the records.
For just two seconds.
Miss Cox would have a fit.
Miss Cox is a fit.
I'd love to, but I just can't.
Let me get a little whipped cream for
that.
That's terrific, son.
Ray, I told you you could do it.
I didn't do it.
He did.
He did.
Oh, not really.
All it took was a can of brown paint.
Now he feels like he's walking on his leg,
not somebody else's.
Wonderful cook, Mrs. Potter.
Been home three months.
My stomach's starting to come around the
corner before I do.
Hurry up, boys.
Bishop Sheen in five minutes.
Bishop Sheen?
Does that mean we can't watch Uncle
Miltie?
Father, Father, that was quite an
accomplishment getting Edwards to walk.
We'll see.
Tomorrow, I'll try him on water.
I'm serious.
There's an awful lot of work to be done
across the road.
You don't realize it, but I have seen it.
I was talking with Reverend Foley.
We'd both be tickled pink if you'd
consider joining us at General General.
Joining you?
You mean work there?
Transfer in from your diocese.
We've got no priest, and about a steady
10% of our patients are Catholics.
10%?
Well, we're a young firm, but we're
growing.
And it's, it's very flattering,
but I, I really don't
I know things aren't going all that hot
for you in Philadelphia.
The hospital would be your parish.
You get a regular salary, you could live in
a rectory, or maybe get a place of your own.
Gee, my own pad.
Well, I was a seminarian, I had a pad.
But that was a pad.
Will you give it a think?
Goodbye, Doctor.
And thank you for everything.
Well, thank you.
See you again.
Oh, no.
Dr. Robinson, call extension 6.
Good morning, Doc.
How goes it?
Oh, you can have that storeroom back now,
Klinger.
Miss Shaw just checked out.
Is she okay?
She is, but her record is No problem.
I put all that information in a special
place.
It'll be there if you need it.
But for now, I put the whole thing in
somebody else's name.
And no excuses.
Morning, Miss Cox.
Dr. Pfeiffer.
You're too much.
The least I can be.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Just a little bit more.
I can't stand this.
Packing's all out, Father.
Father, what is it?
I think we can get that 10% way up.
Dear, I knew you would.
But I prayed for you, Soon-Lee prayed for
you.
I prayed to Allah.
She prayed to Buddha.
And you stay on?
Yes.
Terrific.
Wow.
We'll be together.
And he can hear.
He can hear.
You put some of that packing back.
Tuesday, it's premiere.
Now stay tuned for a special two-hour premiere
of the series that will set your screen on fire.
Dennis Weaver as Admiral Thomas Mallory in
Emerald Point, NAS.
Next, following news break.
We'll be right back.