Ann Droid (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
We all worry about looking after
our loved ones as they get older,
but at Querrick Medical,
we've developed a diverse
range of compassionate,
reliable and attentive
care support humanoid workers
to offer round-the-clock home care
at an affordable
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Each robot is unique, whilst meeting
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And if your loved one would feel
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with a familiar face,
we have a variety of robots who look
identical to beloved personalities.
Haven Comfort -
for companionship, independence
ADVERT CONTINUES ON TV:
..and peace of mind.
RAPIDLY: Terms and conditions apply.
We do not take responsibility if
the robot attacks or disfigures you.
I'm sorry, darling.
Take your dirty foot off the bed.
You're fortunate it's just
a sprained wrist,
cos a fall at your age
Didn't fall.
I fainted.
I've had low blood pressure faints
the whole of my life.
Well, you're lucky like plucky
you never smash your head on
the corner of the coffee table,
or land teeth-first
on the iron doorstep,
or fall down the marble staircase.
What, the marble staircase
in my two-bed terrace?
The home environment can be
lethal at your age, you know.
Hey! Don't joke with it.
Now, in terms of recovery,
you're going to need help.
You live with anybody?
Yeah. I live with my son, Michael,
and he should be here any minute.
Is it?
Well, he's taking a long time.
Look, love
does Michael really exist?
Mum! Oh, Michael!
Where the hell have you been?
Um
How did you fall? I fainted.
And apparently I'm very lucky
I didn't fall in a fire
or a hornet's nest!
You can pick up her pain relief
prescription at the reception.
Look what me have for you.
SHE CHUCKLES
If she's going home, I'm going home.
Mr Thomas!
We cannot send you home
'pon your own,
and if you won't go
into assisted living
I don't belong in a care home!
I mean, look at me.
I can lift a bed!
HE STRAINS
Oh, what a backside.
Lyle!
Here we are.
All right.
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, I've just got to take this.
You go through to the kitchen.
It's just about the, er
The broadband, the, um
The gigabyte, the, um
The transponder!
Lovely.
Hello, babe.
Yes, I'm home.
No, I haven't told her yet.
She's just had a fall.
I'm not delaying it. It's just
It's just a difficult conversation
to have.
That's hurtful.
I'm not a nappy-wearing,
breast-fed emperor baby.
Mum.
I don't like to pester.
Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
I just haven't had time to plant it.
I got it I know, I know.
August 16th. Yeah.
It doesn't seem like two years,
does it?
He's still everywhere.
SHE CHUCKLES.
It's called a David Rose.
That's why I chose it.
I will get round to it, I promise.
I want you to know that I know
how lucky I am that you're here.
Going through this alone
would just be awful.
SHE CHUCKLES
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
OK. Um
So I was late picking you up because
I was with, um
Renee. I was with Renee.
She's changed.
She's getting therapy.
She's getting therapy
because she cheated on you
with her karate instructor?
Yes.
She's making real inroads with that.
And it's BJJ, Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
Well, as long as you don't
do anything stupid,
like move back in with her.
Oh, you berk!
I still love her, Mum.
How can you be sure
she isn't still cheating on you
with her karate instructor?
She told me.
And
it's Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
It's a lot more lethal than karate.
I'm 42.
I'm not meant to be with my mum
on a Saturday night,
watching Michael McIntyre.
You were cackling at
Michael McIntyre's jokes
about buffets. Cackling!
I'm sorry. I didn't realise
you were having such a bad time!
Mum.
I can't just leave my wife
and look after you the way
you looked after Dad.
That is very different!
Your dad was very, very sick.
PLATE SMASHES.
And I don't need looking after.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just have to start building
my own life
and stop being a
nappy-wearing,
breast-fed emperor baby.
Are you going to eat that?
No.
CRUNCHING
It's got bits of plate in it.
Could you please make me
another one, Mum?
Sue!
Oh, shit.
Sue!
Sue.
Hello, Phyllis. Oh, dear.
I heard about your fall.
Oh, it wasn't a fall. I fainted.
I've had low blood pressure
all my life.
Look at you.
You can't even carry your tray!
Let me help you.
No, I don't need help.
You're injured!
There we go.
Oh, it is lucky Michael lives
with you and can help.
Otherwise, you would be all alone.
Yes, he's a real godsend.
Because you don't have
any grandkids, do you?
At least you get to spoil
your one and only child.
Trudi, I ordered your to as tie
on wholemeal bread
for your bowel health.
Imagine needing one
of those ghastly things.
I've heard stories
that would curl your toes.
Turning on their owners,
spying on them.
And some people are doing things
with their robots
that they really
should not be doing.
No!
Mm-hm. Yes.
Oh, we are so lucky.
I mean, I have my daughters,
all my grandchildren and Geoffrey.
And you have
Michael.
Oh, my God. What?
That woman over there
has just grabbed
her robot's penis. PHYLLIS GASPS.
Really?
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
Do you want some lunch
before you go?
No, no. I've eaten. Thanks.
You know, Michael, if you were
in a good relationship,
I'd be very happy for you.
What's that on your neck? Hmm?
It's a rash.
Oh, no, no. It's nothing.
Apparently, it's a totally
normal side effect.
Of what?
Oh, I did some clinical trials.
It was only five days.
Really good money, though.
Sounds dangerous.
Mum, if it was dangerous,
do you really think
the drug companies would do it?
PHONE VIBRATES
DOORBELL RINGS
Now, the whole reason I did it was
because I wanted to
buy you a present.
Now, I want you to be safe.
And if you fall again.
I'm not going to be here, so
No!
You got me a robot.
I got you a robot.
Hey! You Michael Bevan?
Take it away, please.
I don't want it.
She does want it. Bring it in.
Mum, I've already paid the deposit.
Oh!
SHE PANTS
Woo!
OUT OF BREATH: It's fragile.
CASS STRAINS
OK.
Christ!
SHE STRAINS
OK.
I'd forgotten how heavy
these models are.
Oh, here. Let me help.
Thank you.
That's enormously helpful.
MICHAEL CLEARS HIS THROA
Welcome to your Ann Droid Z58/100
Basic Care Model.
She's very easy to operate.
Does have a few dings and scuffs.
After all, she is pre-loved.
Pre-loved? Second-hand.
Yep. CASS LAUGHS.
A little more than second, but hey,
that's why she's such a bargain.
This was a very popular model
back in the day,
in spite of some
some pretty catastrophic
teething errors.
Problems that have
all been resolved.
SHE SCOFFS
Yes!
OK, so you've got
a 24-month contract.
Your 48-hour trial period begins
when you switch her on.
You absolutely cannot have sex
with this model.
Sure. Finally, I'm just going
to need a signature at the bottom.
OK, lovely. And can I please
also just get a photo?
Yeah, yeah. Mum, Mum!
Oh, no. It's not a fam OK.
Oh! SHUTTER CLICKS.
Lovely. Great.
Well, enjoy.
If you have any problems, issues,
there's a number on the back.
The call centre is open
1pm till 2pm on Saturday.
That's the third Saturday
of every month.
Have a lovely time. Enjoy!
DOOR SHUTS
So if you need someone to talk to,
or she can help with
shopping, cleaning.
Why couldn't I just have a carer?
What, a human? They cost a fortune!
And what if you fall
on their day off?
This is 24/7.
Phyllis said they spy on you.
What happens if they drain
my account?
Who? I don't know!
Mum, this means that you can
stay in your home.
I don't want it.
Look, how are you going to manage?
You don't even drive any more.
PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry.
Hi, babe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just leaving now.
Yeah. It's arrived.
She loves it. She's so happy.
Er What does it look like?
Er
It's just a woman with
enormous dead eyes.
No, it's not better
looking than you.
You're the most beautiful
woman in the wor
Hello?
Babe?
Just give it a go, Mum.
48 hours.
Bye, Mum!
DOORBELL RINGS Jesus Christ!
Stupid!
Oh, I can't do this!
Hey.
Oh! Hi, Eileen.
Heard you fell.
Haven't seen Phyllis this excited
since Deirdre Taylor
got a kidney cyst.
I fainted.
You've always had
low blood pressure.
Thank you.
Sally died. Sally Harris?
Nah, Sally Whittle. Oh.
Sally Harris is dying,
Sally Whittle is dead.
Oh.
Do you fancy a cuppa?
Nah, I'm really busy.
Course I've got time!
I'm 81 and all my friends are dead.
I'm never going to plant this rose.
Ah, just leave it.
Good job you've got Michael.
Oh, he's moved out.
Back to the kung fu slut?
Yeah.
Oh, balls to this.
Probably for the best.
It's a bit old to be at home
with Mummy.
Bit Norman Bates.
I guess so.
I just feel alone.
I've been alone all my life.
It's not that bad.
Unless you die in a heatwave
like my Uncle Nelson.
He was so bloated by the time
they found him,
he'd trebled in size -
and he was no swimsuit model
to start with.
Hey, what's this?
Oh, Michael got it for me
because he felt guilty
about leaving.
Oh!
Let's switch it on.
No, no, no, don't!
Eileen, I'm sending it back.
You can still send it back.
Come on. Aren't you curious?
No, I'm not, actually.
Oh, Eileen!
It's got a button at the back
of the head.
ROBOT BLEEPS
Hello. Bonjour.
Buongiorno.
Konnichiwa.
Guten tag.
Hello.
You have chosen English.
Now tell me your name by saying
it into my face holes.
I can't do this, Eileen.
Sue, Sue, Sue.
Nice to meet you,
Sue! Sue! Sue!
My name is Ann Droid.
I'm a Z58/100 robot carer.
But you can name me
something more memorable.
Please say the name you'd prefer.
Um
Linda. Hi, Sue! Sue! Sue!
My name is now Linda.
My sister's name.
Aw, that's lovely.
I hate my sister. Ah.
SUE GASPS
What's it doing?
What is it doing?
What is it doing? I don't know!
Oh, my God. Ah!
What is it doing?
It's putting lasers in my eyes!
Imprinting. Imprinting. Imprinting.
Imprinting. Imprinting. Imprinting.
Retina scan complete.
I have uploaded your
full medical profile.
I thought it had turned on you.
I thought it was trying to
set fire to your brain.
Right.
Best get back to the shop.
Don't!
Don't leave me alone with it.
I can't stay here
and play with your robot.
I've got to get back to work.
Text me if it starts attacking you.
I just don't want to be
on my own with it.
It's creepy!
I mean, look at it.
What is that?
Oh!
I found it in donations.
What do you think?
Hi, Sue. You all right?
Can't talk to you with
that on your head.
Tom, you look like an idiot.
Hmm.
Sue just got a robot.
She's terrified of it.
Oh, wow!
I had no idea that androids
were still being used!
I thought we'd been forced
to decommission them.
Roxy, would you like to speak
to a vintage robot?
Eh? I sure would.
Yeah. Well, go on!
METALLIC CLATTERING
Hi!
I'm Roxy.
I help Tom.
Hello! I am Linda.
I help Sue! Sue! Sue!
It is nice to meet you, Linda.
It is nice to meet you, Roxy.
I like your top.
Thank you, Linda.
It belongs to Tom's wife.
She is dead.
It comforts him to see me wearing
her clothes.
Perhaps I will see you again for
incidental social interactions.
I would enjoy that.
But I am being sent back.
Sue! Sue! Sue!
Thinks I am going to kill her.
Are you going to kill her, Linda?
Yes.
I'm also going to kill Tom.
I am joking.
I am also joking.
She won't hurt you.
I'm sure they've sorted
all that out.
I find Roxy enormously helpful.
Oh.
I can't imagine life without her.
You are going to have to go home
at some point, Sue.
I'm closing in ten minutes.
Tell Linda to stay in her own room,
if you feel uncomfortable.
Fine.
Come on, Linda. We're going.
I'm not buying that.
Heated mono slippers
improve circulation,
increase blood flow, repairs
ligament, bone and tissue damage.
All right, then.
I'm not buying the sunglasses.
OK. That'll be 80 quid.
How much?!
All right, three.
I don't know the value
of nothing in this shop.
MUSIC: Lakme, Flower Duet
by Delibes.
ALARM BLARES
Danger, danger, danger!
Danger, danger!
Linda, stop it! Stop it!
You're supposed to stay
in Michael's room!
Falling asleep in the bath
can be lethal.
Iconic songstress Whitney Houston
tragically passed away
For God's sake! I am naked!
Yes.
I can see most of your right breast
and the top of your mons pubis.
Your naked body is not a problem
for me.
But it's a problem for me.
Nobody's seen me naked since Dave!
Here is clothing for your nakedness.
No, don't! It's cashmere! Don't
get it wet!
You seem angry.
I will lighten the mood with humour.
Why did the doughnut go to
the dentist?
Just piss off, Linda!
Where would you like me to
piss off to?
Piss off to the room I told you
to stay in.
Only, stay there!
I just want a quiet evening alone,
watching the TV!
Oh!
Oh
The doughnut went to the dentist
Oh!
Because it needed a filling.
Piss off!
TV PLAYS: This week's task is all
about using your life,
and I know I've got the perfect
recipe to impress Lord Sugar.
I'm going to be his next
business partner, trust me.
I made my first million by 25
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
Oh, God.
What happened?
You tripped and hit your head.
I assessed you as concussed,
with ligament damage in the neck.
Oh.
Oh
Last thing I remember is
nodding off to a task in a bakery.
Yes, Lord Sugar said the failure
of the task lay with Kevin.
Kevin. Oh, he was a bully.
Kevin said it was a big mistake,
and wished them the best of luck.
But he did not sound sincere.
I tripped.
Yes, on the heated mono slipper
I told you to buy.
Mrs Bevan.
Another fall? Ah!
I didn't fall.
I tripped!
Over a heated mono slipper that
this IDIOT insisted I get.
Well, I'm sending her back.
I wouldn't do that.
You can't keep me here!
I have a son. I don't live alone!
Now, I know that's not true,
because Linda explained everything
about your situation
when you arrive.
You stupid twat.
Mrs Bevan, this stupid twat is
the reason I'm discharging you.
Oh, uh
Sorry, Linda.
Thank thank you very much.
UNDER BREATH: Stupid twat.
Now, I download all your home care
information pon Linda.
So, you can go home.
She's doing a great job.
Mm
Oh.
No, mine's the green one.
The purple one is Michael's.
No, it was Dave's.
Would you like me to throw
it away to clear space?
No! No, don't touch anything!
By scanning your retina,
I have measured your dopamine
and endorphin levels.
You are sad.
Music might improve your mood.
MUSIC BLARES
If it hadn't been for
Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long
time ago ♪
PHONE RINGS
No, no. It's Michael. Shut it off.
Hello?
Mum! Mum, are you OK? I just
I just saw your missed calls.
Oh, I tripped.
Oh, ANOTHER fall?
No, I tripped.
It's that idiot robot's fault.
She insisted on getting me
a mono slipper.
Tell him.
The mono slipper was my idea.
What's a mono slipper?
Designed to cradle the feet
in pure bliss,
the mono slipper boasts
a luxurious fleece fabric
that feels irresistibly
soft and cosy.
It does sound soft and cosy.
She put me in hospital
with ligament damage!
And a mild concussion!
It just sounds like an accident.
It's a good job that
you weren't alone.
Mum, please consider keeping her.
Oh!
Why can't anybody understand?!
I miss him!
I'm
TEARFULLY: I miss miss him
every
every day.
Oh
OK, OK, OK. Look, I'll
I'll book it for tomorrow.
OK.
Well, see you soon.
Yeah, sure. OK. Bye, Mum.
GEARS WHIR
Would you like to talk?
Talking improves mental health.
You're a robot.
Yes, I am a robot.
SUE EXHALES
It just seems like
everything in my life has been
taken away.
Dave's gone.
Michael's left.
I've no grandkids.
Soon, I'll lose my independence,
and then
I'll probably lose my marbles.
I can help you find your marbles.
Ha!
SUE LAUGHS
I don't
know how I'm going to do this
last bit
alone.
But whatever life I've got left
I do not wish to spend it
with a robot.
I know you don't understand.
Nobody does.
I am fired, like Kevin.
Thank you for this opportunity,
and I wish you the best of luck.
Unlike Kevin, I am sincere.
SUE GROANS
MUFFLED: You sound like
you are struggling.
Is your head stuck inside
a pullover?
No, I can manage on my own!
Do not be embarrassed,
Sue! Sue! Sue!
I've already seen your mons pubis.
Oh
Just leave me alone, Linda!
Oh! SUE GRUMBLES.
MUSIC: Only You by Yazoo.
Start search.
How to stop feeling sad
about a dead husband.
Looking from a window above
It's like a story of love ♪
LINDA: Restart search.
Why are humans sad when a life ends?
Came back only yesterday
I'm moving farther away
Want you near me
All I needed ♪
LINDA: Restart search.
What is the meaning of a human life?
All I need is for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you ♪
Linda.
PHONE RINGS
Linda, it's time!
Hello. Hi.
You, uh, want to return your robot?
Yes, please.
Yeah, well, that's what the trial
period is for, you know.
They're not for everyone.
Sue! Sue! Sue!
Your next dose of pain relief
medication is to be taken
after lunch.
Oh, right. Thank you.
All right, then. In you go.
Your lunch is in the oven -
toad in the hole, your favourite.
How did you know that
was my favourite?
You had a massive dopamine spike
when you saw them in the freezer.
Oh, this one's a real chatterbox.
I hope you find happiness,
Sue! Sue! Sue!
Hey, you don't have any wet wipes,
do you?
It's got dirt all over its hands.
You've planted
my rose.
You miss David, and David is dead.
That is a David Rose
to honour dead David,
the owner of the purple robe.
That's right.
I understand
Sue! Sue! Sue!
It was not a robot you were to be
sharing the rest of your life with.
It was dead David.
Linda
step out of the box.
I want you to stay.
I've changed my mind.
Yeah, I know. I've been listening.
In that case, I'll just
need your signature.
Lovely.
And, uh, now can I just get a photo?
Yep. Got it.
Thank thank you.
Did you know toad in the hole
is not made from toads?
I did.