Archie (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Looking back, you'd think I should
have been happier.
Everybody loved the '60s.
I had the beautiful home.
I had the beautiful home.
The maid to run the beautiful home.
The beautiful car
and a beautiful job.
I made movies and everybody
loved me.
I even got to choose my name,
Cary Grant.
Now isn't that a beautiful thing?
So you might be asking
what I often ask myself
So you might be asking
what I often ask myself
as I look at my dumb face
in the mirror,
why wasn't I deliriously happy?
Well, it's a long story.
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Cary Grant!
Hello.
Thank you. Thank you.
You haven't even heard
anything yet, might be terrible!
We love you, Cary!
I love you too. I love you too!
Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening. Good evening. Shh!
You're gonna ask me some questions,
whole bunch of questions,
anything you like.
Nothing's off limits.
Of course, I don't like it,
I won't answer the question.
So, madam?
Cary, I've just got to know,
if you and I were married,
what would you want me
to make you for your dinner?
From the way you asked your
question, I have a suspicion
that we might end up skipping
dinner. Sir?
that we might end up skipping
dinner. Sir?
How do you stay in such great
shape now you're getting older?
Well, I eat everything
that's put in front of me
and I don't do any exercise at all.
Apart from the greatest exercise
in the world which is
making love.
Sorry.
Making bread.
How do you create a character?
How do you become someone else?
That's a very good question.
A lot of people think I don't,
they think I just played myself.
Well, I can't play Bing Crosby,
I'm Cary Grant.
Well, I can't play Bing Crosby,
I'm Cary Grant.
But I'll confess something to you.
He is a character.
Cary Grant, I made him up.
I made up the perfect man
..in order to survive.
- Mum! Mum! Mum!
- Oi-oi-oi, calm down.
- What's the matter?
- John's hurt himself.
Oh, my goodness! Sit down.
Oh, it's all right, my love.
I'll make it better.
How did it happen?
I fell over and there was some
glass.
You told me you'd be careful if I
let you play with the other boys!
What have the pair of you been up
to?
Honestly, if you can't be trusted
Honestly, if you can't be trusted
There's no meat for tomorrow.
I don't know how you can just
sit there
when we can't put enough food
on the table.
I'm having to make
the boys' clothes.
I've asked you to see
about a promotion but, no,
you're too content with your lot.
Well, I'm not.
I'm not content at all.
You're like a yapping dog, you are.
A yapping bloody dog! Yap, yap, yap!
Doesn't it bother you
that we are living in penury,
one step away from beggars?
one step away from beggars?
What are you doing out of bed?
John?
It It really hurts.
Don't worry, I'll make it better.
Archie, bed.
Come on, darling. Let's get you to
bed.
I've tried that,
I've tried everything,
and he's been sick all night.
Just let him rest.
The sleep will do him good.
All right?
All right?
We should take him to the doctor,
it's infected.
The doctor can't do any more
for him than you already have.
Hmm?
Look at his ratty trousers!
You hate these, don't you?
All the other boys
have shop-bought trousers.
Mm-hm.
A gentleman should try
to look well-dressed
A gentleman should try
to look well-dressed
whatever his circumstances.
Now, you leave it with me,
all right?
Is John going to be okay?
He'll be fine.
Your brother is asleep resting
so don't you disturb him.
What's on the floor?
We don't waste food in this house,
do we?
Pick it up and eat it.
Eat on the floor, please.
You've got a lot to learn, boy.
If you can't eat properly
at the table,
you don't deserve to be at the
table.
Please, Elias.
Please, I'm worried about him.
He's feverish.
God, I should never have
let him out of my sight.
You can't wrap him in your skirts.
You've got to let boys be boys.
I told you, he needs to see a
doctor.
I told you, he needs to see a
doctor.
Hey
He's just cut his bloody hand.
All right? You're overwrought,
woman.
SCREAMING: You!
I blame you for this!
WEEPING: Oh, God,
how will I bear it?
SHE SOBS
I remember all I really
wanted to do was
..was
feel love.
Sorry.
CLEARS THROA
Would you mind terribly
if we end the first half there?
Would you mind terribly
if we end the first half there?
I'm feeling a little odd.
I'm not sure I've drunk
enough water today.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
- Aren't you having any?
- You eat.
Go on. I'm not hungry.
No!
No!
SHE SOBS
I don't see you for 12 days!
I don't know why you bother
to come home at all!
I don't know either when
this is the reception I get!
Were you expecting
open arms when you abandon us
in favour of that whore
you've taken up with?
- I told you!
- No!
- I told you!
- No!
You're deluded, woman.
I've been in digs.
That's the last time!
We're hungry, Elias.
Don't you understand?
Because of you, we haven't
got enough food to eat!
I should have listened to my mother
and never married you.
But I won't allow you to shame me.
But I won't allow you to shame me.
Understand that!
No.
I don't want to go.
Mm-hm.
Well, I think it would help you.
They might be able to give you
some medicine for your nerves.
It's only you that frays them.
Since John
..you've not been right.
I'm not mad, Elias.
I've lost my child!
Well, you've got to think
about Archie.
All right?
You're not being fair on the boy.
You're all I've got left.
I'll never let you go, Archie.
That's what they do.
Kind people.
Mr Leach, the doctor
will see you now.
Hey, come on now.
Keep your pecker up, my love.
It's for the best, you know it is.
Stay with me.
I'll be right back
in one moment, I promise.
I'll be back.
I'll be back.
Hold still.
I've decided I'd like to go home.
My son will be back from school
soon. I can come another day.
- You can't go home.
-What do you mean? Why not?
You're to stay here till you're
better.
On whose authority?
Your husband is having
you committed.
Your husband is having
you committed.
Committed? But I just came here
to get some medicine!
- What's that for? No!
- It will calm you down.
- No, please, I want to go home!
- Orderly!
- No, Elias!
- Orderly! Orderly!
No, get off me!
- Please! I want to go home!
- Orderly! Orderly!
No! I want to go home! No!
Please! I want to go and see my son!
Hello.
Why did Mother not come to meet me?
Why did Mother not come to meet me?
Pack up your things.
There.
I don't want to leave home!
What if Mother gets back
and I'm not there?
Stop your whining!
You haven't even seen inside.
You might like it.
Right, Mabel, this is Archie.
- But we've no room!
- I pay the bloody rent, don't I?
- I don't want him here!
- Right, don't I?
Can't you see I've got
enough on my plate as it is?
He'll fit in.
It's just one more mouth.
He'll fit in.
It's just one more mouth.
Don't like the way he stares
at me with them big eyes.
Like creeping Jesus.
He'll have to go!
You wait there.
Come on!
We're going to Grandma's
and I won't hear any more about it.
Come on, Ma.
He'll feed and wash himself,
all he needs is a bed.
But he's your responsibility,
not mine.
I don't want him here disturbing me.
I don't want him here disturbing me.
I'll give you two shillings a week.
And that's all it cost
my father to be free of me.
Week after week, I'd come home
from school hoping my mother
would be there
and we'd be together again
but she never was.
Archie, where you been?
He don't live here no more.
You tell him, I ain't.
Here, I got you some chips.
Come on, I'll take you out back.
Couple of things
to talk to you about, boy.
First off, I need you to be
a good lad for your grandmother,
cos I'm not gonna be able to
see you much more for a while.
Why not?
Why not?
Because I've got to look after
Mabel now.
And the baby.
So, I'm counting on you
to be a good boy.
Dad.
When am I going to see Mother again?
Right, well, yeah,
that's the other thing
I need to talk to you about.
You listen to me now,
I've got something to tell you.
I got word this morning.
I got word this morning.
I'm very sorry to have to say this,
but your ma's passed away.
Passed away?
She died, Archie lad.
So you won't be seeing her again.
Now you be a good boy for your
grandmother like I told you.
Right, I'd best be heading back.
Don't be coming round Mabel's
looking for me now.
Don't be coming round Mabel's
looking for me now.
Bye, Archie.
Try and think of it like
your ma's in a better place.
And so I was alone.
Which is exactly how I found
myself in the summer of 1961,
Which is exactly how I found
myself in the summer of 1961,
in my beautiful Benedict Canyon home
with the ink drying
on my third divorce
and Sophia Loren refusing
to answer my many, many calls.
WOMAN ON TV: 'I don't want to go,
Jack. Pool parties aren't my thing.'
MAN ON TV: 'What is wrong with you?
'Why are you pretending
you don't want to be my girl?
'You know you're crazy about me.'
WOMAN ON TV: 'I'm not playing hard
to get. I'm just not interested.
'Careful! Contrary to
appearances, I'm no pushover.
'I can fight and I can bite.'
'I can fight and I can bite.'
And then, there she was.
- Stanley.
- Cary, how are you?
- I'm fine.
- Not calling Sophia, I hope?
I've not been calling her.
I told you I wouldn't. I
- She's married. It's bad news.
- I promise.
- She's married. It's bad news.
- I promise.
Listen, Stanley,
I need you to set up a meeting
for me with someone.
And what did she say exactly,
the girl?
What?
Oh, uh, yeah.
She says no, she doesn't want to
meet you.
What do you mean?
What? I thought Hitch
could use her in the movie.
There's a part she's perfect
for in North By Northwest.
There's a part she's perfect
for in North By Northwest.
So, Sophia Loren?
You don't mind me asking?
Oh, it's it's done.
She went back to Rome.
- Great.
- I do mind you asking.
You can trust me sometimes.
What did she say, exactly, the girl?
She's working abroad somewhere.
Europe. Um, does it matter?
So she didn't say
she didn't want to meet me,
she said she couldn't meet me.
There's a big difference.
If you say so, Cary.
Can we give her
name? What's her name?
Her name is Dyan Cannon.
She's, uh, she's too young for you.
You know, why can't you just stay
home,
find some, you know, easy-going
girl?
You know, all she wants to do
is just date some mature
but still beautifully
preserved movie star.
All right, come on, the movie,
the spy movie.
I read it, I liked it. What's it
called?
James Bond.
That's the character.
What's the movie called?
Uh, Dr No.
The title is Dr No.
The money's good.
The money's good.
Yeah, well
They'll be a lot of exotic
travel and big action sequences.
I'll be waiting a long time
before the studio recoups
and I get any of my profit share.
We can talk to them about that.
And they want a four-picture deal.
I'm sorry, what?
They want me to play
the same character four times?
No!
You can tell them thank you,
but no way.
Dr No Way.
- Okay.
- And you can tell Dyan Cannon,
- Okay.
- And you can tell Dyan Cannon,
I'll wait for her to get back.
Okay.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you, Miss Cannon.
I'm Cary Grant.
Nice to meet you, Miss Cannon.
I'm Cary Grant.
Can Uh, Cannon.
I'm Dyan Cannon.
We agree on that at least.
Come inside.
Were they all right
at the front gate?
Yeah, fine. Everything was fine.
I was in Rome
and I was finishing a picture,
and I thought that
all of this had gone away,
and then I was really surprised
when I got the call.
Well, it's been quite
a struggle getting to meet you,
but I have to say it's worth it.
You're even more attractive in
person.
You're even more attractive in
person.
So are you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, gosh!
It's a breath of fresh air
having you here.
I saw you in an episode
of Malibu Run
and I thought
you seemed unobtainable.
I I have other credits.
Uh, I've done Have Gun Will Travel,
Zane Grey Theatre,
Highway Patrol
- Tell me something about yourself.
- What do you want to know?
- Something about you.
- What do you want to know?
- Something about you.
Not your career.
My mother is Jewish
and my father is Christian.
Oh, okay.
Daddy used to drive us
to synagogue every Saturday
singing "Jesus Loves Me,
This I Know"
and then I'd go inside
and sing it for the rabbi,
which caused quite
So it's been an absolute pleasure,
Dyan.
Oh, my goodness!
It's been four hours!
I've been here four hours.
I have to go.
I've been here four hours.
I have to go.
Well, I hope I get to see you again.
Oh! Uh, what about the movie?
My agent said you wanted to see me
about a movie you were producing?
Well, yes, but that was
six months ago.
It's been cast and I'm afraid
we're about to start shooting.
Oh So why did you still
want to see me?
Well, because you're a very
difficult woman to pin down
and I thought I'd grab
a meeting while I could.
To what end?
I was intrigued.
I was intrigued.
Not a lot of people
keep me waiting this long.
Well, I'm sure it does you good
every now and then
to not always get your way.
She fights and she bites.
Excuse me?
Nothing.
Well, goodbye, Dyan Cannon.
Goodbye, Cary Grant.
He's just through here.
- Yes?
- Dr Hansen.
- Ah! Jim!
- Cary.
How are you feeling?
Fine. You look flustered.
- Want some coffee?
- Uh, no thanks.
I want to discuss
what happened at the show.
Ah, come on then.
Spit it out. It's that bad, is it?
Well, we ran all the tests
and I've been talking with the
neurological expert this morning.
and I've been talking with the
neurological expert this morning.
- What?
- And he's in agreement.
About what?
You've had a mild stroke, Cary.
I just had a bit of a headache,
felt nauseous.
Which are the classic symptoms
of a stroke.
Luckily, it was a mild one.
There appears to be no lasting
damage,
but we must take this as a warning.
Must we?
You're not young any more.
You need to slow down.
All these personal appearances
you do.
What? Go gently into
that good night?
What? Go gently into
that good night?
We've known each other
for many years.
And hear me when I say this,
if you don't slow down
and you have another stroke,
it could be fatal.
Yes?
- Five minutes, Mr Grant.
- Okay.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
The show must go on.
I don't do autographs,
they're terrible things.
Shake hands if I have to
Shake hands if I have to
'Against doctor's orders,
I resumed my tour.
'Why, I hear you ask?
'Well, because I still had
things I wanted to say.
'And lots more terrible
questions to answer.'
Spinach, I detest it!
'And the applause.
'Maybe I got used to your applause.
'Which brings me to dear
old Bob Pender.'
Beware the fuzzle of the giants!
Observe the behemoths!
Witness their feet on the ground.
Their heads in the clouds!
Oh, be careful with it, lad!
It's already got a crack in it.
Mr Pender?
Mr Pender?
Yeah, what can I do for you, son?
I really loved
watching your show, sir.
Oh, that's lovely.
I just wondered
I work here selling programmes,
but how would I go about
having a try out for you, sir?
I'm very supple. I play in goal
for the school football team
and I dive about everywhere.
Oh, hello!
I can do that better.
Yeah, well, that needs some work
but don't worry for now.
How old are you?
How old are you?
Fourteen, sir.
Well, if you want to come
and audition,
you need a signed letter from
your dad giving you permission.
All right? And if you do okay,
we tour the whole country, you see.
There's even talk of going
to New York.
You can write to me at this address.
Huh!
What's your name?
Leach, sir. Archie Leach.
Archie Leach!
See you later, Archie.
See you later, Archie.
I can already see your name
in lights, Archie Leach!
What are you doing?
Just finishing off my homework.
Don't you be staying up
all night, using my oil.
Don't you be staying up
all night, using my oil.
"To Mr Bob Pender,
I'm writing to you
about my son, Archie Leach,
who is a strong boy
and is in good health."
Don't look down, Archie!
The secret is to lift your head up.
If you look down, you'll only
see how far you have to fall.
"And I should be very happy indeed
for my son to tour with your troupe.
He is as good a boy
as what you could wish to have,
very dedicated and won't eat
too much.
Your faithful servant,
Elias J Leach."
Surprised to see me, lad?
I know you faked the letter.
You can't go to America
without his approval.
I could get arrested,
I could get closed down!
Come on.
Come on.
He's too young, Mr Pender.
I mean, he's still just a boy.
What do you care?
I haven't seen you in years.
I'll care enough to give you a thick
ear, lad,
if I have any more of that
chat.
How old does he have to be,
Mr Pender?
Without your permission, 15.
- Well, that settles it, then.
- I'll just wait.
If I have to wait a year, I'll wait.
And then I'll be off and there's
nothing
you can do to stop me, you
old bastard!
- Watch your mouth!
- Mr Leach!
- Watch your mouth!
- Mr Leach!
Mr Leach, let's try
and be reasonable, shall we?
Look, before you know it,
young Archie here,
he'll have left school.
You'll be having to try
and find him some work.
So why not let him join my troupe
and
avoid that burden, eh?
Let him try, with my guidance,
a career on the stage.
And in the circumstances,
And in the circumstances,
I can of course offer you
a small payment
for your agreement in this matter,
by way of a signature fee.
You're not my responsibility now.
My loyalties lie elsewhere.
Our paths won't cross no more,
my lad.
Well, that's settled, then.
If you'd like to come with me,
Mr Leach.
Behold!
The gods and the giants!
Observe the behemoths!
Their feet on the ground!
Their heads in the clouds!
Behold!
Defying gravity!
Thank you, New York!
Thank you!
Remember this, Archie. It's the best
feeling in the world, lad.
That's love out there
they're giving you.
Whooo!
Wisconsin, where's that?
Wisconsin. It's nowhere.
That's why I came here,
to make my fortune.
That's why I came here,
to make my fortune.
For now, I just work
at a department store.
Just stand there all day
watching people
who do have money spend it
on the things they don't need.
Do you have a fella?
A what?
A boyfriend?
Cos I think you're a smasher.
You're nuts.
Wait here.
- This is for you, my lady.
- Thank you, sir.
- This is for you, my lady.
- Thank you, sir.
Here, listen to this
and tell me what you think.
I've been practising since
I got here.
Whatever I have tried to do in life,
I have tried with
all my heart to do it well.
Whatever I have devoted myself to,
I have devoted myself completely.
In great aims and in small,
I have always thoroughly
been in earnest.
MAN: Shut your goddamn mouth!
MAN: Shut your goddamn mouth!
Do you know what time it is?
It's from Charles Dickens.
What do you think?
Well
..I guess you don't sound
so weird but
you don't sound like
you're from any place I know.
Shh!
Pull it out!
What?
You heard, take it out.
You ain't finishing off in me!
You know how babies are made,
don't you?
Well, I ain't taking any risks.
So are we?
So are we?
You know, are you my girl now?
I ain't anybody's.
But what if I was in love with you?
Oh, boy.
You've got a lot to learn.
Kid, I've got to keep
myself available.
Available?
For who?
For the rich guy,
who's gonna come and marry me
and take me away.
who's gonna come and marry me
and take me away.
How else is a girl like me
gonna make her fortune?
Take care, Archie Leach.
I'm gonna be rich. You'll see.
Bloody hell! She was gorgeous.
Action!
Smoke!
Guns firing!
Look up!
And cut!
BELL RINGS
Get enough?
And cut!
BELL RINGS
Print that one, please.
Hitch, I have no idea
what the bloody hell's going on!
Who the bloody hell is trying
to kill me?
That's exactly how
I want it to be, dear boy.
I don't want you
to know what it's all about
until your character does.
Well, if you want confusion, believe
me, you've got confusion.
Speaking of which,
Speaking of which,
your soon-to-be-ex-wife
rang the house last night,
had a long chat with Alma.
I'm sorry. It's this divorce.
It's proving to be more
complicated than I thought.
Also, I have a new girl
I really like
and I think she might like me,
I don't know.
She's playing very hard to get,
but
Don't tell me any more.
I don't want to be ahead
of the plot.
Are you trying to kill me in there?
Can I get some water, please?
- And an iron lung!
- Quickly! Quickly!
- And an iron lung!
- Quickly! Quickly!
CARY: 'You're a difficult woman
to get hold of.'
DYAN: 'Cary Grant. How are you?'
- 'Well, I'm hopeful.'
- 'Hopeful? Of what?'
'That you might come
and have something to eat
'with me at my house tomorrow
afternoon?'
'A friendly dinner?
That sounds like fun.'
Finally
I get to see you again!
Thank you so much for coming.
Just all the prying eyes
and everything, hmm?
- Shall we?
- Sure.
So, what did it in the end?
Was it my charm, my persistence?
- Food mostly.
- Ah
- I'm really hungry.
- We have food.
# Night and day
Under the hide of me
# There's an, oh, such a hungry
Yearning, burning inside of me
# There's an, oh, such a hungry
Yearning, burning inside of me
# And this torment won't be through
# Till you let me
spend my life Making love to you
# Day and night #
Big finish.
# Night and day. #
Bravo! Get him off!
I didn't know you could sing.
I didn't know you could sing.
I love that song.
It's my mum's favourite.
Ouch! Of course, your mum's
favourite.
I played Cole Porter in a movie
about a million years ago.
You were fantastic.
"Cary Grant soars to
new heights of mediocrity,"
I think that was the best review
I got.
But I don't care one jot,
I love to sing.
# There was a young lady
called Coleshill
# Who unfortunately sat
On a moleshill
# The nose of the mole
Went right up her hole
# And now Miss Coleshill is fine
But the mole's ill! #
# And now Miss Coleshill is fine
But the mole's ill! #
Mr Grant. Dinner's ready.
Ah, saved by the bell. Come on,
then.
- Come through, come through.
- Oh, my God!
Here we are. Now
This is my side. Ah!
And by process of elimination,
that's yours. Come on.
Cary, I told you this was
just a friendly dinner.
Is this where you normally eat?
Mostly. Come in, I won't bite.
Mostly. Come in, I won't bite.
Shoes off.
- Comfy?
- Yeah.
Here we are.
Thank you.
I hope you don't mind
if I don't stand on ceremony,
Can't bear the formality
of the dinner table.
All that starchy cloth nonsense.
All that starchy cloth nonsense.
No, that's fine. I just
Tuck in. You did say you were
hungry. I'm always hungry.
How on earth are you still single?
Because I haven't met
my soulmate yet.
Oh, that's what you want, is it?
Who doesn't?
I want a husband and children.
I want what my parents have.
Well
..you seem so certain.
I was that way once.
I was that way once.
What happened?
Uh
Two divorces, third imminent.
I realised a long time ago
it wasn't for me.
I'm not good at being married.
That sounds to me like a cop out.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you're very good
at being an actor
because you work at it.
Maybe you need to work
a little less on your tan
Maybe you need to work
a little less on your tan
and a little more on your marriages?
Ouch!
Touche!
Hmm!
Can I ask you a personal question?
Do I have a choice?
Why did you never have any children?
I can't have children.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.
I
No, I don't mean physically.
No, I don't mean physically.
I mean, I don't want them.
I don't want to be married. I don't
want to be tied down ever again.
I want to be free to be where I
want,
doing what I want and with who
I want.
Here, having dinner
with you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for welcoming us
to your wonderful country.
Sadly, tomorrow our stay
comes to an end
Sadly, tomorrow our stay
comes to an end
and we return to England!
So, all that's left for us to say
is thank you, goodbye
and good night!
Hey, cheer up, kid.
It'll turn out all right.
I ain't going home tomorrow.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I'm staying.
I ain't got nothing worth
going home for.
I'm gonna stay here
and I'm gonna be a star.
I'm gonna be a star!
APPLAUSE
Your rent's paid up
for the rest of the month.
If you do change your mind
..there's money in there
for a return fare.
Good luck, laddie.
Good luck, laddie.
Come along!
If you take too long,
the boat will sail without us!
Looking back, you'd think I should
have been happier.
Everybody loved the '60s.
I had the beautiful home.
I had the beautiful home.
The maid to run the beautiful home.
The beautiful car
and a beautiful job.
I made movies and everybody
loved me.
I even got to choose my name,
Cary Grant.
Now isn't that a beautiful thing?
So you might be asking
what I often ask myself
So you might be asking
what I often ask myself
as I look at my dumb face
in the mirror,
why wasn't I deliriously happy?
Well, it's a long story.
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Cary Grant!
Hello.
Thank you. Thank you.
You haven't even heard
anything yet, might be terrible!
We love you, Cary!
I love you too. I love you too!
Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening. Good evening. Shh!
You're gonna ask me some questions,
whole bunch of questions,
anything you like.
Nothing's off limits.
Of course, I don't like it,
I won't answer the question.
So, madam?
Cary, I've just got to know,
if you and I were married,
what would you want me
to make you for your dinner?
From the way you asked your
question, I have a suspicion
that we might end up skipping
dinner. Sir?
that we might end up skipping
dinner. Sir?
How do you stay in such great
shape now you're getting older?
Well, I eat everything
that's put in front of me
and I don't do any exercise at all.
Apart from the greatest exercise
in the world which is
making love.
Sorry.
Making bread.
How do you create a character?
How do you become someone else?
That's a very good question.
A lot of people think I don't,
they think I just played myself.
Well, I can't play Bing Crosby,
I'm Cary Grant.
Well, I can't play Bing Crosby,
I'm Cary Grant.
But I'll confess something to you.
He is a character.
Cary Grant, I made him up.
I made up the perfect man
..in order to survive.
- Mum! Mum! Mum!
- Oi-oi-oi, calm down.
- What's the matter?
- John's hurt himself.
Oh, my goodness! Sit down.
Oh, it's all right, my love.
I'll make it better.
How did it happen?
I fell over and there was some
glass.
You told me you'd be careful if I
let you play with the other boys!
What have the pair of you been up
to?
Honestly, if you can't be trusted
Honestly, if you can't be trusted
There's no meat for tomorrow.
I don't know how you can just
sit there
when we can't put enough food
on the table.
I'm having to make
the boys' clothes.
I've asked you to see
about a promotion but, no,
you're too content with your lot.
Well, I'm not.
I'm not content at all.
You're like a yapping dog, you are.
A yapping bloody dog! Yap, yap, yap!
Doesn't it bother you
that we are living in penury,
one step away from beggars?
one step away from beggars?
What are you doing out of bed?
John?
It It really hurts.
Don't worry, I'll make it better.
Archie, bed.
Come on, darling. Let's get you to
bed.
I've tried that,
I've tried everything,
and he's been sick all night.
Just let him rest.
The sleep will do him good.
All right?
All right?
We should take him to the doctor,
it's infected.
The doctor can't do any more
for him than you already have.
Hmm?
Look at his ratty trousers!
You hate these, don't you?
All the other boys
have shop-bought trousers.
Mm-hm.
A gentleman should try
to look well-dressed
A gentleman should try
to look well-dressed
whatever his circumstances.
Now, you leave it with me,
all right?
Is John going to be okay?
He'll be fine.
Your brother is asleep resting
so don't you disturb him.
What's on the floor?
We don't waste food in this house,
do we?
Pick it up and eat it.
Eat on the floor, please.
You've got a lot to learn, boy.
If you can't eat properly
at the table,
you don't deserve to be at the
table.
Please, Elias.
Please, I'm worried about him.
He's feverish.
God, I should never have
let him out of my sight.
You can't wrap him in your skirts.
You've got to let boys be boys.
I told you, he needs to see a
doctor.
I told you, he needs to see a
doctor.
Hey
He's just cut his bloody hand.
All right? You're overwrought,
woman.
SCREAMING: You!
I blame you for this!
WEEPING: Oh, God,
how will I bear it?
SHE SOBS
I remember all I really
wanted to do was
..was
feel love.
Sorry.
CLEARS THROA
Would you mind terribly
if we end the first half there?
Would you mind terribly
if we end the first half there?
I'm feeling a little odd.
I'm not sure I've drunk
enough water today.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
- Aren't you having any?
- You eat.
Go on. I'm not hungry.
No!
No!
SHE SOBS
I don't see you for 12 days!
I don't know why you bother
to come home at all!
I don't know either when
this is the reception I get!
Were you expecting
open arms when you abandon us
in favour of that whore
you've taken up with?
- I told you!
- No!
- I told you!
- No!
You're deluded, woman.
I've been in digs.
That's the last time!
We're hungry, Elias.
Don't you understand?
Because of you, we haven't
got enough food to eat!
I should have listened to my mother
and never married you.
But I won't allow you to shame me.
But I won't allow you to shame me.
Understand that!
No.
I don't want to go.
Mm-hm.
Well, I think it would help you.
They might be able to give you
some medicine for your nerves.
It's only you that frays them.
Since John
..you've not been right.
I'm not mad, Elias.
I've lost my child!
Well, you've got to think
about Archie.
All right?
You're not being fair on the boy.
You're all I've got left.
I'll never let you go, Archie.
That's what they do.
Kind people.
Mr Leach, the doctor
will see you now.
Hey, come on now.
Keep your pecker up, my love.
It's for the best, you know it is.
Stay with me.
I'll be right back
in one moment, I promise.
I'll be back.
I'll be back.
Hold still.
I've decided I'd like to go home.
My son will be back from school
soon. I can come another day.
- You can't go home.
-What do you mean? Why not?
You're to stay here till you're
better.
On whose authority?
Your husband is having
you committed.
Your husband is having
you committed.
Committed? But I just came here
to get some medicine!
- What's that for? No!
- It will calm you down.
- No, please, I want to go home!
- Orderly!
- No, Elias!
- Orderly! Orderly!
No, get off me!
- Please! I want to go home!
- Orderly! Orderly!
No! I want to go home! No!
Please! I want to go and see my son!
Hello.
Why did Mother not come to meet me?
Why did Mother not come to meet me?
Pack up your things.
There.
I don't want to leave home!
What if Mother gets back
and I'm not there?
Stop your whining!
You haven't even seen inside.
You might like it.
Right, Mabel, this is Archie.
- But we've no room!
- I pay the bloody rent, don't I?
- I don't want him here!
- Right, don't I?
Can't you see I've got
enough on my plate as it is?
He'll fit in.
It's just one more mouth.
He'll fit in.
It's just one more mouth.
Don't like the way he stares
at me with them big eyes.
Like creeping Jesus.
He'll have to go!
You wait there.
Come on!
We're going to Grandma's
and I won't hear any more about it.
Come on, Ma.
He'll feed and wash himself,
all he needs is a bed.
But he's your responsibility,
not mine.
I don't want him here disturbing me.
I don't want him here disturbing me.
I'll give you two shillings a week.
And that's all it cost
my father to be free of me.
Week after week, I'd come home
from school hoping my mother
would be there
and we'd be together again
but she never was.
Archie, where you been?
He don't live here no more.
You tell him, I ain't.
Here, I got you some chips.
Come on, I'll take you out back.
Couple of things
to talk to you about, boy.
First off, I need you to be
a good lad for your grandmother,
cos I'm not gonna be able to
see you much more for a while.
Why not?
Why not?
Because I've got to look after
Mabel now.
And the baby.
So, I'm counting on you
to be a good boy.
Dad.
When am I going to see Mother again?
Right, well, yeah,
that's the other thing
I need to talk to you about.
You listen to me now,
I've got something to tell you.
I got word this morning.
I got word this morning.
I'm very sorry to have to say this,
but your ma's passed away.
Passed away?
She died, Archie lad.
So you won't be seeing her again.
Now you be a good boy for your
grandmother like I told you.
Right, I'd best be heading back.
Don't be coming round Mabel's
looking for me now.
Don't be coming round Mabel's
looking for me now.
Bye, Archie.
Try and think of it like
your ma's in a better place.
And so I was alone.
Which is exactly how I found
myself in the summer of 1961,
Which is exactly how I found
myself in the summer of 1961,
in my beautiful Benedict Canyon home
with the ink drying
on my third divorce
and Sophia Loren refusing
to answer my many, many calls.
WOMAN ON TV: 'I don't want to go,
Jack. Pool parties aren't my thing.'
MAN ON TV: 'What is wrong with you?
'Why are you pretending
you don't want to be my girl?
'You know you're crazy about me.'
WOMAN ON TV: 'I'm not playing hard
to get. I'm just not interested.
'Careful! Contrary to
appearances, I'm no pushover.
'I can fight and I can bite.'
'I can fight and I can bite.'
And then, there she was.
- Stanley.
- Cary, how are you?
- I'm fine.
- Not calling Sophia, I hope?
I've not been calling her.
I told you I wouldn't. I
- She's married. It's bad news.
- I promise.
- She's married. It's bad news.
- I promise.
Listen, Stanley,
I need you to set up a meeting
for me with someone.
And what did she say exactly,
the girl?
What?
Oh, uh, yeah.
She says no, she doesn't want to
meet you.
What do you mean?
What? I thought Hitch
could use her in the movie.
There's a part she's perfect
for in North By Northwest.
There's a part she's perfect
for in North By Northwest.
So, Sophia Loren?
You don't mind me asking?
Oh, it's it's done.
She went back to Rome.
- Great.
- I do mind you asking.
You can trust me sometimes.
What did she say, exactly, the girl?
She's working abroad somewhere.
Europe. Um, does it matter?
So she didn't say
she didn't want to meet me,
she said she couldn't meet me.
There's a big difference.
If you say so, Cary.
Can we give her
name? What's her name?
Her name is Dyan Cannon.
She's, uh, she's too young for you.
You know, why can't you just stay
home,
find some, you know, easy-going
girl?
You know, all she wants to do
is just date some mature
but still beautifully
preserved movie star.
All right, come on, the movie,
the spy movie.
I read it, I liked it. What's it
called?
James Bond.
That's the character.
What's the movie called?
Uh, Dr No.
The title is Dr No.
The money's good.
The money's good.
Yeah, well
They'll be a lot of exotic
travel and big action sequences.
I'll be waiting a long time
before the studio recoups
and I get any of my profit share.
We can talk to them about that.
And they want a four-picture deal.
I'm sorry, what?
They want me to play
the same character four times?
No!
You can tell them thank you,
but no way.
Dr No Way.
- Okay.
- And you can tell Dyan Cannon,
- Okay.
- And you can tell Dyan Cannon,
I'll wait for her to get back.
Okay.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you, Miss Cannon.
I'm Cary Grant.
Nice to meet you, Miss Cannon.
I'm Cary Grant.
Can Uh, Cannon.
I'm Dyan Cannon.
We agree on that at least.
Come inside.
Were they all right
at the front gate?
Yeah, fine. Everything was fine.
I was in Rome
and I was finishing a picture,
and I thought that
all of this had gone away,
and then I was really surprised
when I got the call.
Well, it's been quite
a struggle getting to meet you,
but I have to say it's worth it.
You're even more attractive in
person.
You're even more attractive in
person.
So are you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, gosh!
It's a breath of fresh air
having you here.
I saw you in an episode
of Malibu Run
and I thought
you seemed unobtainable.
I I have other credits.
Uh, I've done Have Gun Will Travel,
Zane Grey Theatre,
Highway Patrol
- Tell me something about yourself.
- What do you want to know?
- Something about you.
- What do you want to know?
- Something about you.
Not your career.
My mother is Jewish
and my father is Christian.
Oh, okay.
Daddy used to drive us
to synagogue every Saturday
singing "Jesus Loves Me,
This I Know"
and then I'd go inside
and sing it for the rabbi,
which caused quite
So it's been an absolute pleasure,
Dyan.
Oh, my goodness!
It's been four hours!
I've been here four hours.
I have to go.
I've been here four hours.
I have to go.
Well, I hope I get to see you again.
Oh! Uh, what about the movie?
My agent said you wanted to see me
about a movie you were producing?
Well, yes, but that was
six months ago.
It's been cast and I'm afraid
we're about to start shooting.
Oh So why did you still
want to see me?
Well, because you're a very
difficult woman to pin down
and I thought I'd grab
a meeting while I could.
To what end?
I was intrigued.
I was intrigued.
Not a lot of people
keep me waiting this long.
Well, I'm sure it does you good
every now and then
to not always get your way.
She fights and she bites.
Excuse me?
Nothing.
Well, goodbye, Dyan Cannon.
Goodbye, Cary Grant.
He's just through here.
- Yes?
- Dr Hansen.
- Ah! Jim!
- Cary.
How are you feeling?
Fine. You look flustered.
- Want some coffee?
- Uh, no thanks.
I want to discuss
what happened at the show.
Ah, come on then.
Spit it out. It's that bad, is it?
Well, we ran all the tests
and I've been talking with the
neurological expert this morning.
and I've been talking with the
neurological expert this morning.
- What?
- And he's in agreement.
About what?
You've had a mild stroke, Cary.
I just had a bit of a headache,
felt nauseous.
Which are the classic symptoms
of a stroke.
Luckily, it was a mild one.
There appears to be no lasting
damage,
but we must take this as a warning.
Must we?
You're not young any more.
You need to slow down.
All these personal appearances
you do.
What? Go gently into
that good night?
What? Go gently into
that good night?
We've known each other
for many years.
And hear me when I say this,
if you don't slow down
and you have another stroke,
it could be fatal.
Yes?
- Five minutes, Mr Grant.
- Okay.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
The show must go on.
I don't do autographs,
they're terrible things.
Shake hands if I have to
Shake hands if I have to
'Against doctor's orders,
I resumed my tour.
'Why, I hear you ask?
'Well, because I still had
things I wanted to say.
'And lots more terrible
questions to answer.'
Spinach, I detest it!
'And the applause.
'Maybe I got used to your applause.
'Which brings me to dear
old Bob Pender.'
Beware the fuzzle of the giants!
Observe the behemoths!
Witness their feet on the ground.
Their heads in the clouds!
Oh, be careful with it, lad!
It's already got a crack in it.
Mr Pender?
Mr Pender?
Yeah, what can I do for you, son?
I really loved
watching your show, sir.
Oh, that's lovely.
I just wondered
I work here selling programmes,
but how would I go about
having a try out for you, sir?
I'm very supple. I play in goal
for the school football team
and I dive about everywhere.
Oh, hello!
I can do that better.
Yeah, well, that needs some work
but don't worry for now.
How old are you?
How old are you?
Fourteen, sir.
Well, if you want to come
and audition,
you need a signed letter from
your dad giving you permission.
All right? And if you do okay,
we tour the whole country, you see.
There's even talk of going
to New York.
You can write to me at this address.
Huh!
What's your name?
Leach, sir. Archie Leach.
Archie Leach!
See you later, Archie.
See you later, Archie.
I can already see your name
in lights, Archie Leach!
What are you doing?
Just finishing off my homework.
Don't you be staying up
all night, using my oil.
Don't you be staying up
all night, using my oil.
"To Mr Bob Pender,
I'm writing to you
about my son, Archie Leach,
who is a strong boy
and is in good health."
Don't look down, Archie!
The secret is to lift your head up.
If you look down, you'll only
see how far you have to fall.
"And I should be very happy indeed
for my son to tour with your troupe.
He is as good a boy
as what you could wish to have,
very dedicated and won't eat
too much.
Your faithful servant,
Elias J Leach."
Surprised to see me, lad?
I know you faked the letter.
You can't go to America
without his approval.
I could get arrested,
I could get closed down!
Come on.
Come on.
He's too young, Mr Pender.
I mean, he's still just a boy.
What do you care?
I haven't seen you in years.
I'll care enough to give you a thick
ear, lad,
if I have any more of that
chat.
How old does he have to be,
Mr Pender?
Without your permission, 15.
- Well, that settles it, then.
- I'll just wait.
If I have to wait a year, I'll wait.
And then I'll be off and there's
nothing
you can do to stop me, you
old bastard!
- Watch your mouth!
- Mr Leach!
- Watch your mouth!
- Mr Leach!
Mr Leach, let's try
and be reasonable, shall we?
Look, before you know it,
young Archie here,
he'll have left school.
You'll be having to try
and find him some work.
So why not let him join my troupe
and
avoid that burden, eh?
Let him try, with my guidance,
a career on the stage.
And in the circumstances,
And in the circumstances,
I can of course offer you
a small payment
for your agreement in this matter,
by way of a signature fee.
You're not my responsibility now.
My loyalties lie elsewhere.
Our paths won't cross no more,
my lad.
Well, that's settled, then.
If you'd like to come with me,
Mr Leach.
Behold!
The gods and the giants!
Observe the behemoths!
Their feet on the ground!
Their heads in the clouds!
Behold!
Defying gravity!
Thank you, New York!
Thank you!
Remember this, Archie. It's the best
feeling in the world, lad.
That's love out there
they're giving you.
Whooo!
Wisconsin, where's that?
Wisconsin. It's nowhere.
That's why I came here,
to make my fortune.
That's why I came here,
to make my fortune.
For now, I just work
at a department store.
Just stand there all day
watching people
who do have money spend it
on the things they don't need.
Do you have a fella?
A what?
A boyfriend?
Cos I think you're a smasher.
You're nuts.
Wait here.
- This is for you, my lady.
- Thank you, sir.
- This is for you, my lady.
- Thank you, sir.
Here, listen to this
and tell me what you think.
I've been practising since
I got here.
Whatever I have tried to do in life,
I have tried with
all my heart to do it well.
Whatever I have devoted myself to,
I have devoted myself completely.
In great aims and in small,
I have always thoroughly
been in earnest.
MAN: Shut your goddamn mouth!
MAN: Shut your goddamn mouth!
Do you know what time it is?
It's from Charles Dickens.
What do you think?
Well
..I guess you don't sound
so weird but
you don't sound like
you're from any place I know.
Shh!
Pull it out!
What?
You heard, take it out.
You ain't finishing off in me!
You know how babies are made,
don't you?
Well, I ain't taking any risks.
So are we?
So are we?
You know, are you my girl now?
I ain't anybody's.
But what if I was in love with you?
Oh, boy.
You've got a lot to learn.
Kid, I've got to keep
myself available.
Available?
For who?
For the rich guy,
who's gonna come and marry me
and take me away.
who's gonna come and marry me
and take me away.
How else is a girl like me
gonna make her fortune?
Take care, Archie Leach.
I'm gonna be rich. You'll see.
Bloody hell! She was gorgeous.
Action!
Smoke!
Guns firing!
Look up!
And cut!
BELL RINGS
Get enough?
And cut!
BELL RINGS
Print that one, please.
Hitch, I have no idea
what the bloody hell's going on!
Who the bloody hell is trying
to kill me?
That's exactly how
I want it to be, dear boy.
I don't want you
to know what it's all about
until your character does.
Well, if you want confusion, believe
me, you've got confusion.
Speaking of which,
Speaking of which,
your soon-to-be-ex-wife
rang the house last night,
had a long chat with Alma.
I'm sorry. It's this divorce.
It's proving to be more
complicated than I thought.
Also, I have a new girl
I really like
and I think she might like me,
I don't know.
She's playing very hard to get,
but
Don't tell me any more.
I don't want to be ahead
of the plot.
Are you trying to kill me in there?
Can I get some water, please?
- And an iron lung!
- Quickly! Quickly!
- And an iron lung!
- Quickly! Quickly!
CARY: 'You're a difficult woman
to get hold of.'
DYAN: 'Cary Grant. How are you?'
- 'Well, I'm hopeful.'
- 'Hopeful? Of what?'
'That you might come
and have something to eat
'with me at my house tomorrow
afternoon?'
'A friendly dinner?
That sounds like fun.'
Finally
I get to see you again!
Thank you so much for coming.
Just all the prying eyes
and everything, hmm?
- Shall we?
- Sure.
So, what did it in the end?
Was it my charm, my persistence?
- Food mostly.
- Ah
- I'm really hungry.
- We have food.
# Night and day
Under the hide of me
# There's an, oh, such a hungry
Yearning, burning inside of me
# There's an, oh, such a hungry
Yearning, burning inside of me
# And this torment won't be through
# Till you let me
spend my life Making love to you
# Day and night #
Big finish.
# Night and day. #
Bravo! Get him off!
I didn't know you could sing.
I didn't know you could sing.
I love that song.
It's my mum's favourite.
Ouch! Of course, your mum's
favourite.
I played Cole Porter in a movie
about a million years ago.
You were fantastic.
"Cary Grant soars to
new heights of mediocrity,"
I think that was the best review
I got.
But I don't care one jot,
I love to sing.
# There was a young lady
called Coleshill
# Who unfortunately sat
On a moleshill
# The nose of the mole
Went right up her hole
# And now Miss Coleshill is fine
But the mole's ill! #
# And now Miss Coleshill is fine
But the mole's ill! #
Mr Grant. Dinner's ready.
Ah, saved by the bell. Come on,
then.
- Come through, come through.
- Oh, my God!
Here we are. Now
This is my side. Ah!
And by process of elimination,
that's yours. Come on.
Cary, I told you this was
just a friendly dinner.
Is this where you normally eat?
Mostly. Come in, I won't bite.
Mostly. Come in, I won't bite.
Shoes off.
- Comfy?
- Yeah.
Here we are.
Thank you.
I hope you don't mind
if I don't stand on ceremony,
Can't bear the formality
of the dinner table.
All that starchy cloth nonsense.
All that starchy cloth nonsense.
No, that's fine. I just
Tuck in. You did say you were
hungry. I'm always hungry.
How on earth are you still single?
Because I haven't met
my soulmate yet.
Oh, that's what you want, is it?
Who doesn't?
I want a husband and children.
I want what my parents have.
Well
..you seem so certain.
I was that way once.
I was that way once.
What happened?
Uh
Two divorces, third imminent.
I realised a long time ago
it wasn't for me.
I'm not good at being married.
That sounds to me like a cop out.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you're very good
at being an actor
because you work at it.
Maybe you need to work
a little less on your tan
Maybe you need to work
a little less on your tan
and a little more on your marriages?
Ouch!
Touche!
Hmm!
Can I ask you a personal question?
Do I have a choice?
Why did you never have any children?
I can't have children.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.
I
No, I don't mean physically.
No, I don't mean physically.
I mean, I don't want them.
I don't want to be married. I don't
want to be tied down ever again.
I want to be free to be where I
want,
doing what I want and with who
I want.
Here, having dinner
with you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for welcoming us
to your wonderful country.
Sadly, tomorrow our stay
comes to an end
Sadly, tomorrow our stay
comes to an end
and we return to England!
So, all that's left for us to say
is thank you, goodbye
and good night!
Hey, cheer up, kid.
It'll turn out all right.
I ain't going home tomorrow.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I'm staying.
I ain't got nothing worth
going home for.
I'm gonna stay here
and I'm gonna be a star.
I'm gonna be a star!
APPLAUSE
Your rent's paid up
for the rest of the month.
If you do change your mind
..there's money in there
for a return fare.
Good luck, laddie.
Good luck, laddie.
Come along!
If you take too long,
the boat will sail without us!