Bad Move (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1
What is that noise?
What, that?
That's the sound of our ruined lives.
It can't be a tractor.
Tractors don't sound like that.
You'd think we'd be able to zone it out.
Spent five years living on one
of the busiest roads in Leeds.
Yeah, but that was different.
Everything was noisy.
Whereas here you've got
life-sapping silence
interspersed with
Oh, bloody hell!
How could we have given away every
sharp knife in the house?
They weren't sharp, were they?
That's why we gave them to him.
He's not coming back, is he?
I mean, he said he'd be half an hour.
Mm. It's been, what?
Three days now. So, no,
I'd say we've been stitched up
by a good, old-fashioned
travelling conman.
I knew he was dodgy.
Oh, is that why you ran after him
with the scissors as well? Oh, God.
How much is a new set of kitchen
knives going to set us back?
Better hope they get the Internet up
and running. Probably cheaper online.
I was thinking more about
you earning some money.
Oh, that. Well, they seemed pretty
confident they'll get it sorted today.
Good. Well, just in case
they're wrong again,
I'll go into the village
and put that in the shop window.
Mm, "Gardening Services".
Sounds like a proper business.
It is.
Well, it will be,
soon as I get some customers.
Oh, no.
It's the Von Trapps.
Coo-ee!
Where are the Nazis when you need them?
Ta-da!
Tell Steve what it is, Silas.
Our cow made some milk.
Really?
Oh.
What is that noise?
Oh, fresh milk! That's lovely.
Thank you, Silas.
Come in, come in.
We'll look forward
to drinking that, won't we?
Mm.
I've brought you some flowers.
Oh, how kind.
You don't get flowers
like that in the city.
Only strapped to lampposts.
No, I mean they're lovely.
Thank you, um er
I'll put the kettle on.
Did you get the email I sent?
Still haven't got our Internet working.
What, still? They're gonna
sort it out this morning.
We get some phenomenal
speeds up where we are.
Of course, you're in a dip, aren't you?
Meena and I were worried about that.
I mean, we looked at this place
Yeah, I remember you saying.
So, what was the email about, anyway?
Oh, it was just warning everyone.
There's someone going round
pretending to be a knife sharpener.
He's not very convincing.
We sent him packing.
He's a bad man.
Is he?
Are you sure?
Two hours ago?
There's no sign of him.
What? H-Hello?
Hello? Oh, come on.
Woo!
Hi, Steve. How's it going?
Oh, Grizzo, it's you.
I was
wondering what the noise was.
Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.
Got myself a quad bike.
Shooting a promo for the new album.
Asked if I could keep it.
They said, "Yeah, why not?"
That was nice of them.
We had a right laugh making it.
Never guess who I raced against.
He's only guesting on one of the tracks.
Um
Stormzy!
Oh, Stormzy.
Oh, do you like him?
Oh, yeah, very much.
Can't beat a bit of Stormzy.
Oh, I'll send you a link.
Oh, right.
I still haven't got the Internet. I'm
waiting for the bloke to come out.
No worries. I'll burn you a copy,
drop it round.
Would you? Thanks.
Anyway, I'll leave you in peace.
But, but
Woo!
Morning.
Gareth, that were Bronson.
You what?
That were Bronson.
He got 40 hours community.
What about the police car?
They fished it out of the canal.
Er do you mind
if I put this in the window?
10 pounds.
Sorry?
It's 10 pounds for the first month,
a fiver a month after that if you're
daft enough to keep it there.
Right OK.
So so shall I put it
in the window, or?
OK, thanks.
You don't want any gardening work
done, do you?
Gareth do we need a gardener?
You what?
Do we need a gardener?
No thanks.
I'm looking for a new butler.
And a chauffeur.
And an equerry.
But I think we're all right
for gardeners.
Yeah, sorry about that, mate.
I got about two miles away and the
satnav just gave up the ghost.
I mean, I know the area pretty well
but I never knew this bit existed.
Maybe next time, give me a ring.
Yeah, no, I did try but no signal.
Didn't even say "no signal",
just "error".
Well, if you could
just get it working
Oh, yeah, no problem-o.
That's what I'm here for.
So, er, you work from home, do you?
Once I've got the Internet I will, yes.
Right. What is it you do, then?
I'm a web designer.
Oh. Oh!
Right, I see your problem.
That's a bit ironic, innit?
A web designer with no Internet.
Yep. It is.
Definitely ironic.
So, if you wouldn't mind
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
No worries. I'll have you up
and running in no time.
Funny. I'd never heard of
this brand before we moved here.
It's all perfectly legit.
Oh, no, I wasn't suggesting
Gareth! Where do we get
that Nice Choice stuff from?
It's a company that repackages
unused military rations.
It's all perfectly legit.
Is your Internet good here?
Yeah, why?
We seem to be having a few problems
where we are. Well, you would do.
You live down in t'Dip.
You won't get Internet down in t'Dip.
There you go.
So, er, what made you
move out here, then?
Oh, you know,
we'd had enough of the city.
Just fancied the countryside.
You know, proper pubs
Is there a pub here?
Well, not here.
But there is one not far away.
And there's always the village shop
for emergencies.
That's really well stocked.
Well, as long as you're happy.
We are.
Cos some people move to a place
like this,
they spend a stack of money doing it up,
get into so much debt
they can't afford to sell
and then they're just like stuck.
Yeah.
Well, that isn't us.
That's me, if you're interested.
Sorry, dear?
That's my card.
You looking for someone to do your garden?
Oh, well, do you know, I am.
That's exactly what I'm looking for.
Old Ted used to come and cut the grass for
me, but he hasn't been so well lately.
He's had terrible sciatica.
I could come and do it tomorrow
if you like. Oh, would you?
I'm just down the road.
Rose Cottage.
Great.
And you're OK with the rates?
I thought £6 an hour would be
Oh, no. I used to bake Ted a cake.
He never asked for money.
It's only mowing the lawn.
Oh. No, that's fine.
Cake'd be lovely.
Oh, good.
I'll see you tomorrow morning, then.
Brilliant. I'll see you then.
Oh, bollocks.
I think we're there.
I'll just pop the password in.
That's weird.
Oh, what's the matter?
Well, it's saying, "Unknown error.
IP address not recognised."
I don't understand.
I mean, it should be working.
Good point.
Any ideas?
Oh, don't you worry.
I'll get you up and running.
We're looking at a booster kit.
That'll work, will it?
Oh, one hundred percent.
I'll bring one out tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
If I set off now, I might just
about make it back by then.
What is that noise?
That?
Oh, it's just a quad bike.
Surprised that doesn't get on your nerves.
Nah. I just zone it out.
Right, well, I'll see you
tomorrow, then. Yeah.
Didn't they have anything in the shop?
Well, they did, if you count
packets of dehydrated chicken soup
that the SAS
weren't brave enough to eat.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Dad! What a nice surprise.
I would have rung, but you know
what your landline's like.
More crackling than a Sunday roast.
Didn't you get my email?
No, we're having a few problems
with the Internet.
You would do. You're in a dip.
I could have told you you'd have
problems when you came to look round.
Yeah, you could have. Well, you know me.
I don't like to interfere.
We're fine, Dad.
Where's your bread knife?
Oh, don't tell me
you fell for that conman?
Well, I wouldn't say he's a
Took all the sharp objects, did he?
I notice he left your brain behind.
He was very plausible.
Was he heck!
I sent him packing before
he even opened the gate.
So, how are you gonna run your business
if you don't have the Internet?
I'll be up and running by tomorrow.
How long have you been saying that?
They're sorting it.
Anyway, I've made a start on
my gardening business.
Have you got any customers?
I have, actually.
The lady at Rose Cottage wants me to
do her lawn. You didn't tell me that!
There, there's a start.
So, you're a kept man now.
Mind you, I'd forget about other
people's gardens if I were you.
I'd concentrate on your own.
You wanna get some vegetables planted.
We've had this conversation, Dad.
I'm more of a landscape gardener.
Well, good luck eating landscapes.
You wanna take a leaf out of your neighbours'
books, that there Matt and Mini.
Meena. It's Meena.
Do you know their cow
is producing milk now?
Yeah, we have heard.
"Our cow
made some milk. It tastes like sick."
Take the mick all you like, at least
they're self-sufficient. They're not, Dad.
Get most of their groceries delivered.
They've got the Internet.
Unlike you.
He's getting worse.
On and on about bloody Matt and Meena.
It's all right if you've got money.
"Ooh, we can't get an Internet signal.
Let's build our house up there instead."
You know they're making
their own yoghurt now?
Well, I hope they get botulism from it.
Dean had better bloody well
fix our Internet tomorrow.
If he does, the first thing I'm gonna Google is
"how to sell a house that nobody wants to buy".
Oh, it'll be all right.
It's not all bad here.
No, I know.
I can't believe I'm not
getting paid for this.
Well, it's just a misunderstanding.
Quite a misunderstanding.
I'm doing her garden for a cake.
Well, if you do a good job and she's
happy with it, she'll tell everyone.
Yeah, then they'll all want me to
do their garden for a sodding cake.
Let's hope your Internet guy turns
up with his magic booster kit.
Bloody hell! Good old Dean!
Well, that's not what you
called him last night.
There we go.
This'll do the trick.
Excellent.
Hiya, I'm Nicky, Steve's wife.
So, do you think this booster thing
will work, then?
What, this? This'll get you
a signal at the top of Everest.
Well, if all else fails,
we could move there.
Probably be nearer the shops.
Does she not like it here, then?
No, I wouldn't say that.
Cos my missus would absolutely hate it.
Oh, my God.
Are you OK?
Grizzo!
That was a close one!
I hit a fox last night.
Oh, yeah, I think we heard that.
Don't think we'll get that
out of there in a hurry.
What are you going to do with it? Er
probably just leave it there, I reckon.
Getting bored with it anyway.
Any chance of a lift?
Yeah, it's called a para-motor.
Basically, what it is, you've got a parachute
and a massive propeller strapped to your back.
Isn't that a bit dangerous?
Yeah.
Definitely gonna get one.
Stormzy got his manager one
for his birthday.
That reminds me,
I burned that track for Steve.
What track?
I did a demo with Stormzy.
Turns out Steve's a massive fan.
I didn't know that.
No, nor did I.
Anyway, tell him I'll drop it round.
So where you off to with that lawnmower?
Oh, I was just gonna
Actually, you don't need any
gardening work doing, do you?
Do I ever! I've got enough work
for eight gardeners.
So how many have you got?
Eight.
Oh, right.
Installation successful.
Just pop the password in and
That's weird.
Oh, you're kidding.
Well, on the plus side, at least
it's not saying, "unknown error".
Oh, yeah, it is.
Oh, this won't take me long.
It's not this one that's the problem.
It's this.
Coo-ee!
That's the spirit!
Nearly there!
This is something you don't
get to do in the city.
Isn't it?
It's so nice of you to do this
for Alice.
Old Ted used to come and do it.
Yes, I know.
But then his sciatica started playing up.
So I hear.
Make sure she gives you a cake. She
always used to give old Ted a cake.
Oh, tell Nicky what we made, Silas.
We made some more yoghurt.
Did you?
With rhubarb from our garden.
Yes, we found the recipe
on Mumsnet, didn't we, Pipps?
Ooh!
Internet? Cheating, surely.
Eh?
Well, it's hardly self-sufficient,
having to depend on the World Wide Web.
Morning, Matt!
Meena!
Hello, Ted.
Morning!
That's old Ted?
Ain't it the life?
Ain't it the life?
Ain't it the life?
Got no crime
Just sail on by
Hello?
Sail on by
Hello?
Ain't it the life?
I'm sorry, mate.
You live in a dead zone.
A dead zone?
Funny. I don't remember the estate
agent using that phrase.
I think "idyllic setting" was more
I've never known anything like it.
I just don't think
you can have the Internet here.
So, what? That's it, is it?
'Fraid so.
I'll pack up my stuff.
Oh, hi, Grizzo.
Oh, hi.
Got your demo.
Stormzy?
Oh, yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers, Stormzy.
Eh?
For the track.
That's Joel, my driver.
Sorry, I'm
Sorry, Joel.
Anyway, this is for your ears only.
Don't go sharing it on the Internet.
No danger of that.
I can't have the Internet here.
Oh, what?
I've been told it's a dead zone.
Bummer.
Here, I know what you want.
I've got this geezer who does all my stuff.
A genius. Best in the business.
He got my recording studio
connected up directly
so I can jam online with
my drummer who lives in Monaco.
If he can't fix it, no-one can.
Oh, that would be brilliant.
Can I have his number?
Yeah, course.
Here you are.
Sick.
Huh!
Hello, Dean.
What are you doing here?
I was just talking about you.
'Eh up!
You've done a grand job.
Almost as good as Ted.
Oh, that reminds me,
I promised you a cake.
I'm afraid I nodded off
so I didn't have time to bake you one,
so I popped into the shop
and I got you this.
Oh. Nice Choice.
Thanks.
Honest to God, I've never
known anything like it.
So what am I gonna do?
It's your location.
But you said that thing could
get a signal on Mount Everest.
Yeah, but, you see, Everest is high,
whereas here you're
In a dip.
That's right, you're in a dip.
There's just no way.
Unless
What?
You happen to know the people
that live up there?
What, Matt and Meena?
Yeah, I know them.
Do they have the Internet?
Cos in theory it should be possible
to run a cable from up there.
What, you mean?
If they let you do it.
Meena, hi!
Hey, Silas!
How's that cow of yours?
We made some yoghurt.
Did you? I bet it was yummy!
Would you like some?
Oh yeah, please.
Great. Come in.
It's Matt's special recipe.
Course.
Mm.
Mm!
It doesn't have any added sugar.
Does it not?
Some people find it a bit sharp
but we're used to it, aren't we, Pipps?
We don't like sugar, do we?
No, it's great.
It's tangy.
Oh, hello.
Oh, I see you're enjoying the yoghurt.
Mm.
There's no added sugar in that,
you know.
So Meena said.
So, to what do we owe the pleasure?
Um well, look, I'll come
straight to the point.
How would you feel if Nicky and I
were to install some cabling,
so we could have access to your Internet?
I mean, obviously we'd pay for it.
Ah, yes The thing is
Not just the installation.
We'd pay for whatever we use, plus
our share of the monthly charges.
No, it's not that. It's just we've
cancelled our Internet contract.
What?
Why the Internet?
Why did you do that?
Well, it was something
that Nicky said, actually.
We can hardly claim to be self-sufficient
if we've got the Internet.
You haven't finished your yoghurt.
Well, you said it first. I
didn't mean "Go and say it to them."
They agreed to reconnect it. What's your
problem? It's gonna cost us a fortune.
Unless I can persuade Dean
to do it for a cake.
No-one would be that stupid.
I think I'll give up.
I'm hardly gonna dent it with that if it
survived being thrown out of a Chinook.
Can't take the easy way out
and slash our wrists.
I could always bludgeon you
to death with it.
I'm happy to help.
Nice thought, thanks, but no,
I think I'll struggle on.
Once I get the Internet,
I'll be up and running.
You can work offline till then.
Exactly. Give me a chance
to get the office finished.
It's gonna be nice in there.
You're right.
It's probably my favourite room
in the house.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, hello.
Sorry about that.
These things are lethal!
Ba ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba
When the world
in which you're living
Gets a bit too much to bear
And you need someone to lean on
When you look
there's no-one there
You're gonna find me
Ba-ba-ba
Out in the country
Ba-ba-ba
Yeah, you're gonna find me
Ba-ba-ba