Bad Thoughts (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- [baby cooing]
- [indistinct chatter and laughter]
- [pleasant music playing]
- [children chattering]
[crowd cheering]
- [woman] I love you.
- [man] I love you too.
[singing "Happy Birthday"]
[sound distorting]
[clangs]
- [light thuds on]
- [chains clinking]
[eerie music playing]
[intense music playing]
Havana. You got 24 hours, Agent Six.
Don't get yourself killed.
Could be fun.
In my line of work,
I'm always on the road.
[engine revs]
New city.
New name.
New target.
[people chattering]
- [suspenseful music playing]
- Whiskey. Big ice cube.
They tell me you are
looking for El Escorpión.
Not tonight.
But I never lose myself.
It's a job.
I have a routine.
No attachments.
[beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
Follow your rules.
I only have one.
No women, no children.
[silenced gunshot]
[people exclaiming]
[Agent Six] Oh, fuck.
Maybe she's okay.
- [explosion]
- [people screaming]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- [cell phone ringing]
Fuck.
[sighs] Six here.
Is it done?
Yep.
Got her.
[mouthing]
"Her"?
Your target was a man.
Uh, no, it wasn't.
The target you sent was a blonde woman.
Unless you're saying it's a man.
I mean, I'm not gonna
assume their pronouns.
It's a female-presenting person.
[softly] Uh
Six, you killed the wrong target.
I don't know what to tell you, PQ,
but the way this works is
you send a photo of a person
and I kill them.
The only way it gets fucked up
is if you send the wrong photo.
Holy shit!
You sent the wrong photo?
- I didn't.
- You did!
You got an innocent woman killed,
now you're gonna deny it.
You know what? Connect me with HR.
We don't have an HR.
Exactly. That's how we end up
in situations like this.
Look, I gotta go, man.
I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
In my line of work,
I only have, uh, two rules.
How do I get out of this fucking place?
- No children.
- [stomach gurgling]
And, uh, never lose your cool.
[wet splattering]
Oh
[line ringing]
- [cell phone ringing]
- [sirens blaring]
[Agent Six] What the fuck?
Ugh
Fuck!
What the fuck did I eat?
Fuck. I got ice.
Did I drink the ice?
- This is fucked.
- [line ringing]
Ugh, there's so much shit,
it's fucking everywhere.
I hate my life.
Jesus Christ.
- Oh
- [cell phone ringing]
Oh, fuck.
[sirens continue blaring]
[shouting in Spanish]
Just a moment, Enrique, I'm coming!
[high-pitched] No problem, sir.
[in English] I'm at the harbor right now,
dude. There's a paid ticket I have.
They're gonna leave
- if I don't get on the boat.
- Six.
- This guy's gonna take off.
- Six.
[Agent Six] Hold on a sec.
The bags. Pick the
- [PQ] Six
- Pick the bags with me.
[high-pitched in Spanish]
Hurry up, sir.
[quietly in English] Fuck!
- Fucking key's in my jacket.
- Six.
I, uh Hey!
Oh, it's you.
[Agent Six] Yeah. Would you do me a favor?
Would you fuck a friend of mine?
You don't have to really fuck him.
Just play with this dick.
He probably comes fast.
Uh, you understand?
[in Spanish] Like, will you have
sex with my friend?
Motherfucker.
[Agent Six in English]
No, uh You know what?
Scratch that. New plan.
You're making me pull out
the big guns here.
That's some wild shit.
You like sloppy top, right?
- What?
- Blow jobs. I'll give you a blow job.
Make sure nobody learns about this,
and I will give you a blow job
on your morning commute
- Agent Six.
- every day.
And if I go out of town,
I'll double up when I get back, all right?
And I will not act like it's a chore.
I will work at it.
I'll learn what you like,
and I'll take my time.
I will enjoy it.
Want me to put my finger in your ass?
I can do that too.
I don't mind getting a little dirty.
- Um
- And you can just bust
right as we're pulling
into the parking lot.
Please let me do this.
I want to be your cum slut.
- [soft music playing]
- [voice breaks] I want you to fill me up,
fill up my belly every day
with your yum-yum sauce.
- I want to drain your nuts.
- [sighs]
And I don't have a gag reflex.
I've never told you that.
So, my throat [sighs]
which has no gag reflex, is yours.
You own my throat.
Every day. Please.
Does this guy ever shut the fuck up?
Am I on speakerphone?
And video.
What the hell is "sloppy top"?
Uh
What's that?
You guys are breaking up.
My battery's dying.
[PQ] We got you at 85%.
[captivating music playing]
[Agent Six] In my line of work,
there are no rules.
Actually, I just can't
be handcuffed by rules.
So, you know what I mean?
Oh, except for that no children rule.
The "no children" is a good rule.
I don't kill kids.
- [bullet ricochets]
- [baby crying]
- Fuck.
- [woman sobbing] My child!
- No.
- [woman] My one-week-old child.
Can somebody come shoot me?
[dramatic sting plays]
[musical note dings]
Jobs are tough.
I mean, I wouldn't know
because mine is not.
I'm a comedian.
You know that dumb shit
you get sent to HR for saying?
I get paid for that.
But other people's jobs are
- [man grunting]
- [metal squeaking]
messy.
- You ready, boys?
- [whip cracks]
[Tom] Also messy.
Some people are great at their jobs.
Fifty-five years,
not one kid hit by a car.
Other people are bad at their jobs.
Like my piece-of-shit assistant Reed,
who is a completely inept fucking moron
who is only still here
because I hate confrontation.
- Doing great, bud.
- Sorry, sir.
I may be a lowly comedian,
but it's a job I take very seriously.
As you'll see from the stories
I'm about to share with you.
[low pensive music playing]
[man] Let me be perfectly
clear from the start.
This isn't so much a job
as a responsibility.
Our residents, they don't have much time.
What they need is consistency and order.
- [grumbles]
- [clatters]
[man] They don't like change.
Do you understand?
Si. Yes, I understand.
When I see a wrong in the world,
to leave it would be
a betrayal of my own heart.
[nurse] Mr. Fletcher.
Mr. Fletcher.
You gotta see this.
[inspiring music playing]
[Fletcher] I pay you to clean,
not to dance.
Signore, these people are not ghosts.
They are not shadows of the past.
We must give them more.
You're a liability.
[nurse] I don't know
what this man is doing,
but he's incredible.
I used to be an opera singer.
You have a beautiful voice.
They're alive again, sir.
The man has a gift.
How is he doing this?
[inspiring music crescendos, stops]
Lick my ass. Lick it. Oh.
What the fuck?
Yes, you are my nasty girl. Yeah.
[spits] Yes.
- [inspiring music continues]
- [Fletcher] What the hell is going on?
Signore, I give them life. I come so hard.
They eat my ass.
Now you understand?
No.
No, I don't understand.
You get out! You get out now!
Coward!
I do it for them!
[old woman] Massimo!
Please calm down.
This is very cut-and-dried.
He was not cut.
And I was not dry.
I didn't even get to eat his ass.
- We want Massimo.
- [people chanting] Massimo!
They won't eat, sir.
It's been weeks.
I don't know what to do.
[pensive music playing]
[woman chanting] Massimo.
[chants indistinctly]
- Massimo.
- Yes.
[Massimo] I am a simple man from Sardinia.
Where I'm from,
we take care of our elders.
We show them love.
It fills them with life.
You treat them like they're already dead.
These are beautiful people.
Look at Marta. She can garden again.
Basta. Basta. No more. Oh!
And John,
he play a baseball catch with his bambino.
- [inspiring music playing]
- Dorothy.
She learn and she love a nipple torture.
Feels nice.
Yes! [gasps] Yes!
Oh!
[inspiring music continues]
Well, it's unorthodox,
but I can't argue with the results.
Massimo can stay.
Hey!
Come into me!
[Massimo] This is my home!
- I don't go nowhere!
- [all applauding]
This is my home! Forever!
I'm pregnant.
[speaks Italian]
No
English.
What?
Io no speak inglese.
He definitely speaks English.
No, no. Uh
He's calling an Uber.
No, no, no.
I, uh I go Walmart.
- I come back ten minuti.
- [vehicle approaches]
- You stay.
- [tires screech]
Uber for Massimo. Going to the airport?
Fuck.
Okay, I come right back.
[speaking Italian]
[in English] Okay. Bye-bye.
I come back ten, maybe 15 minuti.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Fucking Italians.
[upbeat music playing]
Fuck my life. [sighs]
[music stops]
We need to increase efficiency
in the fourth quarter
if we're going to keep the board at bay.
So I'm expecting big things
from your team, Evan.
Evan. Are you even listening?
Uh
Sorry, sir, I, uh
I'm just a little thrown by the IT guy.
[chairs creak]
Oh, right. Uh, Cyrus from IT is using
the latest tech to update our servers,
which should help us
with our efficiency objectives.
Now, if you look at the numbers
from the latest manned projections,
page 3 clearly lays out
the efficiency measures
that will put a cap on cost overruns
that put us in the red
on two of the last four quarters.
Part of that was due to
Tampa not coming through
with the metrics we requested.
We do not want to pull another Tampa.
Sir
What's going on? I was really cranking.
Yeah. What are you doing?
Updating our server
with the new software patch
and getting us back online.
What's it look like I was doing?
I mean, it looked like you
You had two, uh
Look, I
Why are you doing your work in here?
Can't you do it in your office?
And miss Cheryl's birthday?
No.
I guess I was just raised different.
Plus, I don't want a repeat
of Oliver's birthday.
I didn't get any of that cake.
- That was some good cake.
- It was.
Can I get back to it? Please?
Yes, of course.
[sighs] Jesus Christ.
[man] Anyway, legal wanted me
to remind all of you
that any and all sales contracts
need at least three days of lead time.
- [continues indistinctly]
- Whoa, doc.
That's a big one.
You can reach out to Marcy Malloy,
lead counsel,
and she can turn around contract approval
in as little as one business day.
- Just don't abuse it.
- [grunting softly]
- [man] Please please do not forget to--
- [spits]
Oh, come on, sir.
He's clearly using that headset
for virtual reality porn.
[Cyrus] I'm sorry.
Did you just say virtual reality porn?
Is that even a thing?
You just mimed unzipping pants
and said,
"Whoa, doctor, that's a big one."
I unzipped a server file
that's absolutely huge.
I've never seen printer drivers this size.
Okay, but then you pumped.
I mean, you were pumping
Lube?
Thank you, Cheryl.
Lubrication was the word
I was looking for.
You were pumping lubrication.
Okay.
After I unzipped the server file,
I pushed down the excess data.
And then I just rubbed my hands together
because I was cooking, man.
Yeah. What about all the licking?
Oh, my God.
I have severe carpal tunnel
from working with computers all day. Okay?
So I activated the oral control,
including the tongue toggles,
so I could be more efficient, sir.
Why am I explaining myself to you, Evan?
Do I come into your office
and ask you about the numbers
on why our tax liability in China
has tripled since you joined the company?
No. I let you do your work.
Let me do mine. Okay?
As far as I know, I'm the only one here
who knows how this software works.
Uh, maybe I'm mistaken. Do you?
Do you?
How about just get back to work?
The sooner we finish,
the sooner we have cake.
Sound good? Okay.
He was eating ass.
[whispers] I don't know how servers work.
[Cyrus] This technology is the future,
ladies and gentlemen.
Six months from now,
you're all going to be using it.
So adapt or die.
[grunting]
Well, speaking of tax liabilities,
Evan, why don't you give us an update?
I'd love to, sir.
- [Cyrus] Ahh. Come here, little buddy.
- [Evan clears throat]
That's a good boy.
As you know,
over the past several quarters,
we have had a tariff
- That's a good boy.
- [Evan]um, increase.
[Cyrus] Oh, yeah. Tight little pup.
Our projections are show
[squealing softly]
- [with accent] Oh, so tight.
- [Evan] My My
Sir, he's being a little Chinese girl.
Evan, let the man do his work.
[Cyrus] Oh, is this hard?
[breathing heavily]
You know what? Let's just do cake.
[Cyrus] Oh, yeah.
[grunts]
[Evan] Yeah? Let's get cake.
- [grunting]
- [Evan] Come on, guys.
[all singing hesitantly]
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, dear Cheryl ♪
I'm almost there.
Happy birthday to you ♪
[Cyrus grunts]
[sighs]
[cell phones chiming]
Oh! Look, the servers are back online.
You're welcome.
- [man] Good job, Cyrus.
- [woman] Nice work.
Oh, Christ.
[sighs]
- Hey.
- [low ominous music playing]
Where's my slice?
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, Cyrus. All out.
I guess I'm not so good with numbers.
All right. Did everyone get cake? Good.
Double slice.
[Evan] For you a slice. All right.
[Cyrus] You cut that piece in half.
[Evan] Great. Let's eat some cake.
[low ominous music continues]
That's fantastic.
Wow. Who picked this up?
Mmm Now this is cake.
[upbeat music playing]