Big Mood (2024) s01e01 Episode Script
Up
1
This time won't be nothing
like the last one ♪
Smoking so much gas
I forgot to put my mask on ♪
I shine with the lights off
He hates when I don't call ♪
Two months without me
Guess you're having withdrawals ♪
He on my hip like a Tamagotchi ♪
Leave a heart on my wall
so I can know you like me ♪
I'm important, can't be seen
with just anybody ♪
We was late, but we still
pulled up to the party ♪
Hey, st-- Um
Do you want this?
Yeah.
- Hi!
- Whose scooter is that, Maggie?
Mine, I bought it after watching
a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.
- And you've just given it away.
- Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself on it
reflected in a shop window,
it was a rude awakening.
- It had to go.
- Oh, shit. Question eight.
Which day of the week is the worst?
- We hate scooter people.
- I know, but, like, the environment?
You don't care about the environment,
you said all humans
- deserve to burn to death.
- Only because I'd just
had that really weird haircut.
- You seem better.
- Yeah, I'm having the best week.
- I went to a spin class, yesterday.
- What?
I left ten minutes in, cos the instructor
kept playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes,
but, like, the intention was there.
Anyways, I need you to take
tomorrow off work.
I've got too much going on here.
Look, it's important!
My old school want me to come back
and do a talk for their little drama club,
isn't that cute?
- Must've read the reviews of my play.
- The two-star reviews?
The state of the education system
in this country is dire. They need me.
As a former student
working professionally in theatre,
I thought I could
come in and do a talk,
cos I'm gonna be in town, anyways.
They practically begged me, Eddie.
So, I need you to drive me to East Sussex.
Question nine. Who did I vote for
in the 2002 Pop Idol final,
- Gareth Gates or Will Young?
- Can you stop asking questions?
No, I can't, people have
paid good money for this pub quiz.
And by "people," do you mean
two underage goths
- and Will?
- At least Will showed up on time.
- Maybe he's my number one bestie.
- You take that back.
Maggie, I love that you suddenly
seem to believe children are the future,
but you hate public speaking.
When you gave that speech
at Anya's wedding, you shook so hard,
someone asked me
- if you were detoxing from heroin.
- But this is a tiny group of kids.
- Drama nerds, I bet.
- I don't get why you'd travel there.
- That school did a lot.
- Everyone took the piss
- out of your accent.
- I had some amazing teachers.
I had this one history teacher
in particular,
he was just really inspirational.
He kind of changed my life.
And I think he still works there,
so maybe I could, like, thank him.
Sorry, were you visited in the night
by three ghosts?
- Where is this benevolence coming from?
- Look, I'm turning 30 soon,
and I want to be a good person.
I am a good person, actually.
I just wanna project that goodness more,
and you can project your goodness more
by driving me there.
- Who'll look after the bar?
- That manager you just hired.
What's his name?
The wanky earring guy.
The BMX doesn't have gears,
you just kind of set it up
- Him. What's his name?
- I think it's Klent?
- There's no way it's Klent.
- I think it is.
- He can't look after the bar on his own.
- Hey, Eddie!
Can I take a quick 60?
Jen, over there,
has never seen a BMX before,
and I am gonna pop her cherry.
Uh, no, you can't.
Go and clean the loos.
What?
How?
Fuck's sake.
Just get on with it.
Don't be scary!
-"How?" Ah.
- His dad's an earl.
It's like working with the little
sheltered boy from The Secret Garden.
Question ten. What's the name of the
little sheltered boy
- from The Secret Garden?
- Colin!
I'm convinced he's never
had a real job before.
But, I need him to lure
the other fuckboys in.
The fuckboy pound
has become surprisingly strong,
since they all
became social media managers.
Great quiz this week, Eddie.
Some really thought provoking
questions in there.
- Tell me, the day of the week question.
- Mm.
Are we talking worst,
as in, least enjoyable?
- Or, are we talking--
- Hey, Eddie!
If you come tomorrow,
I'll let you pretend to be my publicist.
You can lie to people all day
with no consequences,
like when you told everyone
you invented Jedward's haircut.
Can I have a fake name?
What's wrong?
What's wrong now? ♪
Too many, too many problems ♪
Don't know where she belongs ♪
Where she belongs ♪
She wants to go home ♪
But nobody's home ♪
Where she lies ♪
OK, quick stop,
and then we gotta hustle.
Get ready for my "talk."
I mean, you're gonna
have to give a talk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna wing it,
they're children.
- And what if you get the shakes?
- I won't, have some faith.
What the fuck?
- What?
- That's what you're wearing
to go to a school?
I wanna seem like a successful lady.
That is not a successful lady outfit.
That is a "shag me" outfit.
- Who are you trying to shag?
- No-one.
That history teacher you mentioned,
what's his name?
- I can't remember. Mr Wilson.
- Maggie.
OK, was Mr Wilson hot?
Smoking hot.
- Oh, my God.
- I haven't slept in a week,
I might've overdone the concealer.
Do I look like a pale panda?
- Maggie!
- OK! OK!
Mr Wilson might me my soulmate.
He wasn't like the other teachers,
he was funny,
and smart and we just,
like, had this connection.
Was Mr Wilson the teacher
who tried to molest you?
No! Ew, that was the maths teacher,
Mr Phillips.
It was prom night, 2008.
I'd just turned 16,
my braces were freshly off,
and I was resplendent
in my Debut by Debenhams dress.
Then, Mr Phillips slithered over.
He said I looked really grown up,
which, let's face it, was not true.
Then, all of a sudden,
he lurched at me
with his gross mouth.
But guess who saved me.
It was so intense.
So, if it had been the history teacher
who tried it on,
- you'd have banged him?
- Yes!
But the crucial thing
is he didn't try it on,
- he wouldn't shag a child.
- Wow!
We should nominate him
for a Pride of Britain award.
It's not beyond the realms of possibility
that we're truly meant to be together
and we just met at the wrong time.
- My brother.
- Diet Coke?
- What's up?
- Hiya, I'm in Dalston,
Thought I'd come by,
see how our bar's doing.
- You about?
- I'm not.
But I'll be back tomorrow,
if you wanna swing by.
Ah, sorry, me and Lauren
have a deer carcass
preparation workshop tomorrow.
- We've had it booked for ages.
- Oh.
- So, you're still into all that stuff?
- Um, yeah.
I'm still into surviving
the inevitable collapse of society.
- Call me crazy.
- I do.
I've got to go, Jay.
Enjoy the dead deer.
All clear. So, we've owned the bar
for nearly 12 years,
our father owned it before.
Hey! Let's go.
Now, to go get my bagel.
Oh, God, you're gonna end up
on the fucking news.
Walkin' like a man
Hitting like a hammer ♪
She's a juvenile scam
Never was a quitter ♪
Tasty like a raindrop
She's got the look ♪
Heavenly bound
'Cause heaven's got her number ♪
When she's spinnin' me around
Kissin' is a colour ♪
- Her lovin' is a wild dog ♪
- Hi!
I remember you,
you're the little Irish girl.
Top o' the mornin' to ya!
Bloody hell, you've not grown
an inch, have you?
Hiya. Maggie Donovan,
here to do a talk for Miss Finch.
Oh, yeah,
she said something about that.
Hang on here,
while I give her a buzz.
Do you still get
those nasty nosebleeds?
No!
Sometimes.
I can't believe
you were the nosebleed kid.
Ugh! I forgot how much I hate it here.
God, it even smells the same.
How do you preserve a smell, like?
I can't picture you here.
It's very Grange Hill,
but somehow, less glamour.
Oh, my God.
That's him. That's Mr Phillips.
The lurcher?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! He fucking remembers.
He probably thinks you're here
to make a historical complaint.
How does he still have his job here?
People saw him do the lurch.
Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch,
and now he's his boss.
- That's really fucked up!
- Maggie Donovan!
Hey!
The greatest Willy Loman
this school has ever seen.
- Aw
- And you're a professional actor, now.
No, um, I'm a playwright.
Oh. Well, that's nice, too.
- Uh, this is
- Adele Dazeem.
Maggie's publicist.
My goodness, a publicist.
Isn't that something?
Now, listen, I have some fab news.
Our principal, Mr Wilson,
you might remember him.
Mr Wilson
- History, was it? Yeah, yeah.
- Yes! That's right!
I told him about you coming,
and he said,
with an alumnus of your calibre,
we shouldn't be wasting you
on the little'uns.
So, he set up an assembly
with the A-level lot.
Only 100 kids or so,
so it should be quite fun.
- What? I, uh--
- 100 teenagers?
Like-- like, big teenagers?
Hm. I don't know if that's a great idea,
- from a PR point of view.
- James!
She's getting cold feet.
Oh, that is not how I remembered him.
Maggie Donovan.
James Wilson.
I don't know if you remember,
but I had the pleasure
of teaching you history.
Yes, I, um
Yes, I do remember.
Uh, this is my--
- Adele Dazeem, publicist to the stars.
- Lovely to meet you.
So, Maggie, I hope it's all right with you
that we've expanded your audience a bit.
- Well, I-- Um
- Come on.
The Maggie Donovan
I remember wouldn't have
been scared of a few teenagers.
Um
Yeah, no, I'd love to.
Great.
I mean he still
has something about him.
He does have a thing.
It's not the thing I was expecting,
which is, like, classic good looks,
but he does have a thing,
and he's the principal,
and that's fit.
It is fit. It is fit!
- However, I cannot do this assembly.
- Yeah, right.
Because it's, like, my idea of hell.
You know, like,
a group of 11-year-olds who don't know
their arse from their elbow
- is one thing, but 100--
- 100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.
And these aren't nice kids.
I went to this school,
- we're not fucking Hogwarts.
- You'll literally get cyber-bullied.
They'll find your Instagram
and make fun of your selfies.
Do you think they've read the reviews?
Do I think these small-town teenagers
have read the reviews of your Fringe play?
I mean, I would say off-West End,
but I mean--
He-- Mr Wilson,
he's literally just
a secondary school teacher.
- You wanna do a runner.
- Thanks for saying it, I didn't want to.
Ah!
- Busted.
- Hi, we weren't leaving.
Well, I hope not.
That's work, sorry.
Klent, I've told you,
if there's a spider
Could I, um, grab one of those?
- Yeah, sure.
- OK.
- Thought your generation didn't smoke.
- That's the one after us.
We smoke, we just refuse
to drink cow's milk.
Oh, right.
What is it?
The till's not printing receipts.
- Shall I just close?
- No.
It just needs new till roll,
it's in the office.
Uh, Jay told me to stay out of there
while he's here with the surveyor.
What do you mean, surveyor?
I don't know.
I think they take surveys of things.
- Like a questionnaire.
- No, I--
- How did they get in there?
- I gave them a key.
- Why did you do that?
- Uh, because keys open locks.
I'll be there soon.
She's so badly raised.
D'you remember me, or did you have
to look through old yearbooks?
No, you're not
someone you forget in a hurry
- Cos I was a nightmare.
- No, no.
I saw you as a young woman
with a lot of spirit,
a lot potential, and very little
patience for authority.
Plus, you know, you'd just moved
to a whole new country, so
- Can't have been easy.
- Well, thanks for, um
for being nice to me, back then.
You were special.
Are special.
Sure.
- So, um, Mr Phillips
- Mm.
D'you remember what happened
with him at prom?
Surprised to see he's still working here.
Well, I better get back.
Nearly time for your big moment.
- Eddie!
- There you are. We need to go.
- My brother's snooping around the bar.
- We can't leave now, can we?
You're doing the assembly?
You left me with him.
He kept looking at me with his eyes.
Maggie, I need to go.
You can leave straight after.
This will take five minutes, tops.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Maggie Donovan!
Oh, my goodness, hi!
How are you? You look incredible.
Thanks, you too.
Uh, Adele, this is
- Alison.
- Alison. We were in the same year.
It's been yonks.
What are you doing here?
Uh, they've invited me here
to lead an assembly,
to inspire the next generation
to reach beyond
the confines of their tiny lives,
but, uh, what about you?
- What have you been up to?
- Wow! I teach dance here.
Which is brill.
Oh, and I've got three kids,
if you can believe that.
Why-- Wise of you to have so many.
Right, well, I don't wanna
keep you before your big assembly,
but I would love to catch up afterwards.
- Aw.
- Aw!
Three kids? She is my age.
What was she, a child bride?
Some women spend their 20s
starting a family.
Some women spend them on ketamine,
both are valid choices.
Right, time for my TED Talk.
OK, Maggie, you are really confident
about this improvised,
but apparently, life-changing speech
you're about to make.
Eddie, they are kids.
How hard can it be?
Jesus, they're massive.
These are teenagers?
Maggie is a playwright.
She's worked with some big-name
London theatres,
including the Dagenham Arts Club bar,
and several up-and-coming pub theatres.
It just goes to show,
the sky's the limit for our alumni.
So, let's welcome her on
with a round of applause.
Hi.
What is theatre?
It's just a room.
Uh, it's like this room, but, um
better, you can get wine there,
uh, for instance.
If you have a room,
you have theatre.
That's actually quite profound,
because, if you think about it,
like, everyone has a room
No, not ev-- um
And, um, you know what they say
All the world's a stage.
And the men and ladies, merely people.
Do you know who said that?
Abraham Lincoln.
Uh, so, yeah.
Instead of me, like, doing this,
like, long speech,
I think I'll kinda do, like, a Q and A.
So, if anyone has any questions
they wanted to
- Yes.
- Yeah, what's your bra size?
All right.
Absolutely hilarious, Aaron.
Mr Willy, would you take him
to your office, please?
Um Yeah, I'm, um
I'm not gonna answer that one,
cos I don't wanna get Yew Tree'd.
Uh
Are there any other ques-- Yeah.
- Did you like school?
- Oh, fuck, no. I hated it.
All right, come on.
You've heard a swear word before.
Um Sorry, um
Sorry, yeah, no, I, um
I really hated school.
It felt like, um
Like a huge waste of my time,
and, like
Like, nobody gives a fuck about
your A-level results in the real world.
University's just a scam
run by the government
to fund nuclear arms, probably.
But, um Yeah. What did I even learn?
I don't remember anything I learned,
and I turned out fine, so
Any more questions?
Come in.
So apologies.
- That was a bit inappropriate.
- A bit?
They really responded to me,
you know, the honesty.
- Teenagers like honesty.
- Oh!
Oh, is that--
is that what teenagers like?
You completely undermined
everything we do here.
Cos I didn't pretend school
was the best years of my life?
It's a battle keeping
some of these kids in school.
You have absolutely no idea.
- You, you're just--
- I'm what?
You--
What?
Just tell him to leave, Klent.
He's not answering my texts.
No, he's not gonna karate kick you,
he's my brother.
Wh-- Hang on. Excuse me,
have you seen Maggie anywhere?
Who?
The little Irish girl.
Oh, yeah.
She went into Mr Wilson's office.
I've been thinking
about you for 15 years.
Oh, me too.
- Not in a paedo-y way.
- Don't say that word.
Sorry, sorry.
I mean, we just had this--
this connection.
Exactly. Exactly, right.
- Take your knickers off.
- OK.
Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.
- She's actually-- Hi!
- Oh, hi! Maggie's Friend!
Could you tell her
it was nice to see her?
- Yeah.
- I've gotta start dance club.
I'll leave these two with their dad.
I think Mr Wilson's a little bit busy.
No, it's OK, it's just us.
Sorry, could I-- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Come on, guys.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh!
What the fuck, James?
No, no, no. Please, listen.
- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
I'm his wife!
I'm sorry, you married a student?
- We connected years after.
- Oh, my God.
Can you tell your kids
to stop filming?
Don't fucking talk to me.
You don't fucking talk to me!
I think they're gonna put it on TikTok.
You promised me I was the only one!
- You were-- Are.
- I am genuinely sorry,
but I cannot
Thank you for accompanying
me on another gorgeous day out.
One for the, um
record books.
Look, I'm all for shenanigans
but are you manic?
Just because, if you are,
you know what comes next, right?
OK, this wasn't my finest hour,
but you don't need to be so judgy.
No, I'm not, I was just
I just wanted to check.
Sorry, I'm just
I'm pranging out about Jay
sniffing round the bar, earlier.
No, no. It's cool, I get it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go wash an old man's cum
out of my tights.
You're a nightmare.
But you love me!
But I love you!
I can't believe it
how we ended up so far ♪
We could be coasting
like the angels with a habit ♪
I'll see the ocean closer
if you let me say my ♪
You can't tell me
you're not like this ♪
Staring down the pages
of the shit you've missed ♪
Hoping you'll find a way
just to change ♪
Days spent waiting in my living grave ♪
Then turning up at parties
like a hurricane ♪
But it comes in waves ♪
It comes in waves ♪
This time won't be nothing
like the last one ♪
Smoking so much gas
I forgot to put my mask on ♪
I shine with the lights off
He hates when I don't call ♪
Two months without me
Guess you're having withdrawals ♪
He on my hip like a Tamagotchi ♪
Leave a heart on my wall
so I can know you like me ♪
I'm important, can't be seen
with just anybody ♪
We was late, but we still
pulled up to the party ♪
Hey, st-- Um
Do you want this?
Yeah.
- Hi!
- Whose scooter is that, Maggie?
Mine, I bought it after watching
a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.
- And you've just given it away.
- Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself on it
reflected in a shop window,
it was a rude awakening.
- It had to go.
- Oh, shit. Question eight.
Which day of the week is the worst?
- We hate scooter people.
- I know, but, like, the environment?
You don't care about the environment,
you said all humans
- deserve to burn to death.
- Only because I'd just
had that really weird haircut.
- You seem better.
- Yeah, I'm having the best week.
- I went to a spin class, yesterday.
- What?
I left ten minutes in, cos the instructor
kept playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes,
but, like, the intention was there.
Anyways, I need you to take
tomorrow off work.
I've got too much going on here.
Look, it's important!
My old school want me to come back
and do a talk for their little drama club,
isn't that cute?
- Must've read the reviews of my play.
- The two-star reviews?
The state of the education system
in this country is dire. They need me.
As a former student
working professionally in theatre,
I thought I could
come in and do a talk,
cos I'm gonna be in town, anyways.
They practically begged me, Eddie.
So, I need you to drive me to East Sussex.
Question nine. Who did I vote for
in the 2002 Pop Idol final,
- Gareth Gates or Will Young?
- Can you stop asking questions?
No, I can't, people have
paid good money for this pub quiz.
And by "people," do you mean
two underage goths
- and Will?
- At least Will showed up on time.
- Maybe he's my number one bestie.
- You take that back.
Maggie, I love that you suddenly
seem to believe children are the future,
but you hate public speaking.
When you gave that speech
at Anya's wedding, you shook so hard,
someone asked me
- if you were detoxing from heroin.
- But this is a tiny group of kids.
- Drama nerds, I bet.
- I don't get why you'd travel there.
- That school did a lot.
- Everyone took the piss
- out of your accent.
- I had some amazing teachers.
I had this one history teacher
in particular,
he was just really inspirational.
He kind of changed my life.
And I think he still works there,
so maybe I could, like, thank him.
Sorry, were you visited in the night
by three ghosts?
- Where is this benevolence coming from?
- Look, I'm turning 30 soon,
and I want to be a good person.
I am a good person, actually.
I just wanna project that goodness more,
and you can project your goodness more
by driving me there.
- Who'll look after the bar?
- That manager you just hired.
What's his name?
The wanky earring guy.
The BMX doesn't have gears,
you just kind of set it up
- Him. What's his name?
- I think it's Klent?
- There's no way it's Klent.
- I think it is.
- He can't look after the bar on his own.
- Hey, Eddie!
Can I take a quick 60?
Jen, over there,
has never seen a BMX before,
and I am gonna pop her cherry.
Uh, no, you can't.
Go and clean the loos.
What?
How?
Fuck's sake.
Just get on with it.
Don't be scary!
-"How?" Ah.
- His dad's an earl.
It's like working with the little
sheltered boy from The Secret Garden.
Question ten. What's the name of the
little sheltered boy
- from The Secret Garden?
- Colin!
I'm convinced he's never
had a real job before.
But, I need him to lure
the other fuckboys in.
The fuckboy pound
has become surprisingly strong,
since they all
became social media managers.
Great quiz this week, Eddie.
Some really thought provoking
questions in there.
- Tell me, the day of the week question.
- Mm.
Are we talking worst,
as in, least enjoyable?
- Or, are we talking--
- Hey, Eddie!
If you come tomorrow,
I'll let you pretend to be my publicist.
You can lie to people all day
with no consequences,
like when you told everyone
you invented Jedward's haircut.
Can I have a fake name?
What's wrong?
What's wrong now? ♪
Too many, too many problems ♪
Don't know where she belongs ♪
Where she belongs ♪
She wants to go home ♪
But nobody's home ♪
Where she lies ♪
OK, quick stop,
and then we gotta hustle.
Get ready for my "talk."
I mean, you're gonna
have to give a talk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna wing it,
they're children.
- And what if you get the shakes?
- I won't, have some faith.
What the fuck?
- What?
- That's what you're wearing
to go to a school?
I wanna seem like a successful lady.
That is not a successful lady outfit.
That is a "shag me" outfit.
- Who are you trying to shag?
- No-one.
That history teacher you mentioned,
what's his name?
- I can't remember. Mr Wilson.
- Maggie.
OK, was Mr Wilson hot?
Smoking hot.
- Oh, my God.
- I haven't slept in a week,
I might've overdone the concealer.
Do I look like a pale panda?
- Maggie!
- OK! OK!
Mr Wilson might me my soulmate.
He wasn't like the other teachers,
he was funny,
and smart and we just,
like, had this connection.
Was Mr Wilson the teacher
who tried to molest you?
No! Ew, that was the maths teacher,
Mr Phillips.
It was prom night, 2008.
I'd just turned 16,
my braces were freshly off,
and I was resplendent
in my Debut by Debenhams dress.
Then, Mr Phillips slithered over.
He said I looked really grown up,
which, let's face it, was not true.
Then, all of a sudden,
he lurched at me
with his gross mouth.
But guess who saved me.
It was so intense.
So, if it had been the history teacher
who tried it on,
- you'd have banged him?
- Yes!
But the crucial thing
is he didn't try it on,
- he wouldn't shag a child.
- Wow!
We should nominate him
for a Pride of Britain award.
It's not beyond the realms of possibility
that we're truly meant to be together
and we just met at the wrong time.
- My brother.
- Diet Coke?
- What's up?
- Hiya, I'm in Dalston,
Thought I'd come by,
see how our bar's doing.
- You about?
- I'm not.
But I'll be back tomorrow,
if you wanna swing by.
Ah, sorry, me and Lauren
have a deer carcass
preparation workshop tomorrow.
- We've had it booked for ages.
- Oh.
- So, you're still into all that stuff?
- Um, yeah.
I'm still into surviving
the inevitable collapse of society.
- Call me crazy.
- I do.
I've got to go, Jay.
Enjoy the dead deer.
All clear. So, we've owned the bar
for nearly 12 years,
our father owned it before.
Hey! Let's go.
Now, to go get my bagel.
Oh, God, you're gonna end up
on the fucking news.
Walkin' like a man
Hitting like a hammer ♪
She's a juvenile scam
Never was a quitter ♪
Tasty like a raindrop
She's got the look ♪
Heavenly bound
'Cause heaven's got her number ♪
When she's spinnin' me around
Kissin' is a colour ♪
- Her lovin' is a wild dog ♪
- Hi!
I remember you,
you're the little Irish girl.
Top o' the mornin' to ya!
Bloody hell, you've not grown
an inch, have you?
Hiya. Maggie Donovan,
here to do a talk for Miss Finch.
Oh, yeah,
she said something about that.
Hang on here,
while I give her a buzz.
Do you still get
those nasty nosebleeds?
No!
Sometimes.
I can't believe
you were the nosebleed kid.
Ugh! I forgot how much I hate it here.
God, it even smells the same.
How do you preserve a smell, like?
I can't picture you here.
It's very Grange Hill,
but somehow, less glamour.
Oh, my God.
That's him. That's Mr Phillips.
The lurcher?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! He fucking remembers.
He probably thinks you're here
to make a historical complaint.
How does he still have his job here?
People saw him do the lurch.
Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch,
and now he's his boss.
- That's really fucked up!
- Maggie Donovan!
Hey!
The greatest Willy Loman
this school has ever seen.
- Aw
- And you're a professional actor, now.
No, um, I'm a playwright.
Oh. Well, that's nice, too.
- Uh, this is
- Adele Dazeem.
Maggie's publicist.
My goodness, a publicist.
Isn't that something?
Now, listen, I have some fab news.
Our principal, Mr Wilson,
you might remember him.
Mr Wilson
- History, was it? Yeah, yeah.
- Yes! That's right!
I told him about you coming,
and he said,
with an alumnus of your calibre,
we shouldn't be wasting you
on the little'uns.
So, he set up an assembly
with the A-level lot.
Only 100 kids or so,
so it should be quite fun.
- What? I, uh--
- 100 teenagers?
Like-- like, big teenagers?
Hm. I don't know if that's a great idea,
- from a PR point of view.
- James!
She's getting cold feet.
Oh, that is not how I remembered him.
Maggie Donovan.
James Wilson.
I don't know if you remember,
but I had the pleasure
of teaching you history.
Yes, I, um
Yes, I do remember.
Uh, this is my--
- Adele Dazeem, publicist to the stars.
- Lovely to meet you.
So, Maggie, I hope it's all right with you
that we've expanded your audience a bit.
- Well, I-- Um
- Come on.
The Maggie Donovan
I remember wouldn't have
been scared of a few teenagers.
Um
Yeah, no, I'd love to.
Great.
I mean he still
has something about him.
He does have a thing.
It's not the thing I was expecting,
which is, like, classic good looks,
but he does have a thing,
and he's the principal,
and that's fit.
It is fit. It is fit!
- However, I cannot do this assembly.
- Yeah, right.
Because it's, like, my idea of hell.
You know, like,
a group of 11-year-olds who don't know
their arse from their elbow
- is one thing, but 100--
- 100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.
And these aren't nice kids.
I went to this school,
- we're not fucking Hogwarts.
- You'll literally get cyber-bullied.
They'll find your Instagram
and make fun of your selfies.
Do you think they've read the reviews?
Do I think these small-town teenagers
have read the reviews of your Fringe play?
I mean, I would say off-West End,
but I mean--
He-- Mr Wilson,
he's literally just
a secondary school teacher.
- You wanna do a runner.
- Thanks for saying it, I didn't want to.
Ah!
- Busted.
- Hi, we weren't leaving.
Well, I hope not.
That's work, sorry.
Klent, I've told you,
if there's a spider
Could I, um, grab one of those?
- Yeah, sure.
- OK.
- Thought your generation didn't smoke.
- That's the one after us.
We smoke, we just refuse
to drink cow's milk.
Oh, right.
What is it?
The till's not printing receipts.
- Shall I just close?
- No.
It just needs new till roll,
it's in the office.
Uh, Jay told me to stay out of there
while he's here with the surveyor.
What do you mean, surveyor?
I don't know.
I think they take surveys of things.
- Like a questionnaire.
- No, I--
- How did they get in there?
- I gave them a key.
- Why did you do that?
- Uh, because keys open locks.
I'll be there soon.
She's so badly raised.
D'you remember me, or did you have
to look through old yearbooks?
No, you're not
someone you forget in a hurry
- Cos I was a nightmare.
- No, no.
I saw you as a young woman
with a lot of spirit,
a lot potential, and very little
patience for authority.
Plus, you know, you'd just moved
to a whole new country, so
- Can't have been easy.
- Well, thanks for, um
for being nice to me, back then.
You were special.
Are special.
Sure.
- So, um, Mr Phillips
- Mm.
D'you remember what happened
with him at prom?
Surprised to see he's still working here.
Well, I better get back.
Nearly time for your big moment.
- Eddie!
- There you are. We need to go.
- My brother's snooping around the bar.
- We can't leave now, can we?
You're doing the assembly?
You left me with him.
He kept looking at me with his eyes.
Maggie, I need to go.
You can leave straight after.
This will take five minutes, tops.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Maggie Donovan!
Oh, my goodness, hi!
How are you? You look incredible.
Thanks, you too.
Uh, Adele, this is
- Alison.
- Alison. We were in the same year.
It's been yonks.
What are you doing here?
Uh, they've invited me here
to lead an assembly,
to inspire the next generation
to reach beyond
the confines of their tiny lives,
but, uh, what about you?
- What have you been up to?
- Wow! I teach dance here.
Which is brill.
Oh, and I've got three kids,
if you can believe that.
Why-- Wise of you to have so many.
Right, well, I don't wanna
keep you before your big assembly,
but I would love to catch up afterwards.
- Aw.
- Aw!
Three kids? She is my age.
What was she, a child bride?
Some women spend their 20s
starting a family.
Some women spend them on ketamine,
both are valid choices.
Right, time for my TED Talk.
OK, Maggie, you are really confident
about this improvised,
but apparently, life-changing speech
you're about to make.
Eddie, they are kids.
How hard can it be?
Jesus, they're massive.
These are teenagers?
Maggie is a playwright.
She's worked with some big-name
London theatres,
including the Dagenham Arts Club bar,
and several up-and-coming pub theatres.
It just goes to show,
the sky's the limit for our alumni.
So, let's welcome her on
with a round of applause.
Hi.
What is theatre?
It's just a room.
Uh, it's like this room, but, um
better, you can get wine there,
uh, for instance.
If you have a room,
you have theatre.
That's actually quite profound,
because, if you think about it,
like, everyone has a room
No, not ev-- um
And, um, you know what they say
All the world's a stage.
And the men and ladies, merely people.
Do you know who said that?
Abraham Lincoln.
Uh, so, yeah.
Instead of me, like, doing this,
like, long speech,
I think I'll kinda do, like, a Q and A.
So, if anyone has any questions
they wanted to
- Yes.
- Yeah, what's your bra size?
All right.
Absolutely hilarious, Aaron.
Mr Willy, would you take him
to your office, please?
Um Yeah, I'm, um
I'm not gonna answer that one,
cos I don't wanna get Yew Tree'd.
Uh
Are there any other ques-- Yeah.
- Did you like school?
- Oh, fuck, no. I hated it.
All right, come on.
You've heard a swear word before.
Um Sorry, um
Sorry, yeah, no, I, um
I really hated school.
It felt like, um
Like a huge waste of my time,
and, like
Like, nobody gives a fuck about
your A-level results in the real world.
University's just a scam
run by the government
to fund nuclear arms, probably.
But, um Yeah. What did I even learn?
I don't remember anything I learned,
and I turned out fine, so
Any more questions?
Come in.
So apologies.
- That was a bit inappropriate.
- A bit?
They really responded to me,
you know, the honesty.
- Teenagers like honesty.
- Oh!
Oh, is that--
is that what teenagers like?
You completely undermined
everything we do here.
Cos I didn't pretend school
was the best years of my life?
It's a battle keeping
some of these kids in school.
You have absolutely no idea.
- You, you're just--
- I'm what?
You--
What?
Just tell him to leave, Klent.
He's not answering my texts.
No, he's not gonna karate kick you,
he's my brother.
Wh-- Hang on. Excuse me,
have you seen Maggie anywhere?
Who?
The little Irish girl.
Oh, yeah.
She went into Mr Wilson's office.
I've been thinking
about you for 15 years.
Oh, me too.
- Not in a paedo-y way.
- Don't say that word.
Sorry, sorry.
I mean, we just had this--
this connection.
Exactly. Exactly, right.
- Take your knickers off.
- OK.
Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.
- She's actually-- Hi!
- Oh, hi! Maggie's Friend!
Could you tell her
it was nice to see her?
- Yeah.
- I've gotta start dance club.
I'll leave these two with their dad.
I think Mr Wilson's a little bit busy.
No, it's OK, it's just us.
Sorry, could I-- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Come on, guys.
- Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh!
What the fuck, James?
No, no, no. Please, listen.
- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
I'm his wife!
I'm sorry, you married a student?
- We connected years after.
- Oh, my God.
Can you tell your kids
to stop filming?
Don't fucking talk to me.
You don't fucking talk to me!
I think they're gonna put it on TikTok.
You promised me I was the only one!
- You were-- Are.
- I am genuinely sorry,
but I cannot
Thank you for accompanying
me on another gorgeous day out.
One for the, um
record books.
Look, I'm all for shenanigans
but are you manic?
Just because, if you are,
you know what comes next, right?
OK, this wasn't my finest hour,
but you don't need to be so judgy.
No, I'm not, I was just
I just wanted to check.
Sorry, I'm just
I'm pranging out about Jay
sniffing round the bar, earlier.
No, no. It's cool, I get it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go wash an old man's cum
out of my tights.
You're a nightmare.
But you love me!
But I love you!
I can't believe it
how we ended up so far ♪
We could be coasting
like the angels with a habit ♪
I'll see the ocean closer
if you let me say my ♪
You can't tell me
you're not like this ♪
Staring down the pages
of the shit you've missed ♪
Hoping you'll find a way
just to change ♪
Days spent waiting in my living grave ♪
Then turning up at parties
like a hurricane ♪
But it comes in waves ♪
It comes in waves ♪