Camping (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
This summer, I went swimming
This summer, I might have drowned
But I held my breath
and I kicked my feet
And I moved my arms around
Moved my arms around
This summer I swam
in the ocean ♪
Can you slow down a bit, please,
Robin? We're going too fast.
Oh, sorry, darling.
Very bumpy.
Thrill of the open road, that's all.
Don't be silly.
-Straight on.
-Mm-hm.
Can't see anything.
Oh, look, there's a sign here.
Just slow up a bit, Robin,
it's left.
It's here, Pittleford Farm.
-Quick, pull in.
-Oooh!
Watch out! Oh, my!
Plenty of space, darling.
Where's the tents?
What are you
Why are you stopping, Robin?
Just go straight down,
it's down the end here.
I think the tents will be
It's not, just go down to
the bottom, Robin! Keep going!
-It's not here.
-Sorry, Fi.
God's sake! Just about had enough
of this whole
Right. All right, stop here, please.
Right, Noel Maunders.
Wait here. OK.
Sorry. Thanks.
Ooh! Here we are, then.
Let the holiday commence.
FI KNOCKS
-Ah.
-Hello. Fiona Betherill,
with the group party.
-Noel Maunders.
-Hello.
The tents are all
..set up, so you can
-..take your pick.
-OK.
Super. And parking-wise,
where do we?
You're welcome to drive
down to the field
to unload your suitcases
and whatnot.
And then you can park
back up here
..once you've unloaded everything.
Right. OK. Super. Thank you.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ah! Six-all.
KNOCKING Oh!
Sorry.
-All OK, Fi?
-Well, no -
we can't drive down to the field,
unfortunately,
so you'll have to unload
all the cases up here
and bring them down manually.
Oh. Okey-doke.
-Does he need to wear that?
-Yes!
Here.
It's down the bottom here somewhere,
we'll see you down there.
-Come on, Archie.
-Great.
Don't keep fiddling with these zips,
Archie, please.
HE PANTS AND GRUNTS
I'm gasping for a tea, Robin.
Okey-doke.
You'll need to get the fire going.
-Will do.
-Right.
-Typical Kerry to be late.
Well, we did say to arrive
an hour after us.
Oh, don't start, Robin.
OK.
I brought you a welcome apple cake.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
No, wewe do it
for all the guests.
Right.
It's one Mother used to enjoy,
but
..she can only suck, now, really,
she
Ohdear.
Is she, umin the house
with you?
Yes, yes, yes, if I mash some up
with milk and 'nanas,
she might have aspoonful
or two later
..if we're lucky.
Sorry, Neil,
can I just ask about?
It's Noel.
Can I just ask about
the bed situation within the tent?
I mean, will they beraised,
raised at all?
Well
You've got the little mattresses.
But no, no, it's as it is,
it's about the height of
A Weetabix. Yes, it's just that
I've got an issue with my hips.
So, I mean
Well
You could take one
from another tent,
then they wouldn't have a mattress.
No, dear, we can't do that,
we can't take
I mean, it's FCFS, isn't it?
It's FCFS. So
-FCFS?
-FCFS.
-First Come First Served.
-Yes.
Yes, I suppose so,
but we did tell everyone
to come an hour afterwards.
There we are.
-We have lift-off.
-Oh! Super!
Well done.
Thank you, thank you, Noel.
Right, I'm going to take
those mattresses, Robin.
Can you grab them?
Right, yes, Fi, can we have
a cup of tea first?
No, get them both quickly, please,
before they get here, Robin.
What about the pillows,
do you want?
-I think they're here.
-Oh.
-Hi!
-Oh! She's here!
Hello, Kerry!
Happy birthday, Robin!
Oh! How lovely!
-Oh, looks intriguing.
-Ah, no, sorry,
we're not doing presents
until Sunday,
Robin's birthday proper,
so I'll pop that
in the pressie bucket.
-Oh.
-Hi, by the way.
Thanks, Fi. Good journey?
Good, yes.
Yes, did you send over
the kitty money, or?
Oh, no.
-Well, there's no hurry.
-No, it's
It's £350,
as per my January e-mail.
Yes, sorry. I will.
No, there's no hurry, Kerry.
How's Adam? Is he here?
Yes. He's fine. Adam's very well.
Just having a rest in the car,
bit tired, so
It's quite a journey.
Did he drive?
He didn't. I drove.
But as Adam says, it can be
just as tiring for the passenger.
Mm, yeah, passenger.
And he gets very tired
since he stopped drinking. So
Oh.
KNOCKING Argh!
Good morrow, sir.
Ah, bonjour, bonjour!
Welcome to ze camp!
Don't be silly, please, Robin.
-Hello, Fi.
-Adam.
-Hey!
-Happy birthday, old man!
Thank you. What, old man? Old man?
Where's me Zimmer frame?
HE PANTS
-Ah.
-Just making a coffee for Adam.
No. Sorry, no. No. No.
The kettle is out of bounds,
I'm afraid.
No, it's for an emergency situation
only.
Which we would have to define
in the moment.
I mean, the whole point
about being here
is to have the genuine
outdoor camping experience,
so that's off-limits, I'm afraid.
-So sorry.
-Well
Ah!
What's that?
Could it be a hawk?
A hawk, that's got into the shower?
I'm so sorry, Fi,
cos I knew this wasn't planned,
but Adam hashe's
Well, we've got his son
with us, so
-Oh!
-What?
Davey, yes. I hope that's
I'm so sorry.
Well, it's not going to work for me,
I'm so sorry.
I'd like to be able to help you out,
but it's not
-It's not going to work.
-Oh, Fi.
Apologies, but no.
Oh. So
--Should we go back?
-Hm.
-Well
No, I don't think there's any need
to go back, is there, Fi?
Well, so where is he now?
PANTING Ooh, ooh!I
That's him on the loo. So
-Oh.
-Yes, gets a bit bunged up.
So I'm the same,
I'm an absolute martyr to the
..the early-morning push.
The bolus becomes very compacted.
Anyway, it will be nice for Archie
to have a little chum to play with.
-Yes. Yes.
-Ugh!
Oh.
Sounds like success!
I don't want him
playing with Archie, Robin,
it's obviouslyit's obviously
some kind of condition.
Yes, it's called
being a teenage boy.
I mean, it's every chance
you get at that age.
What, did you?
Well
I presume you were hygienic.
In what way?
Did you wear a glove, or?
No. No, no.
You wouldn't wear a glove, no.
You sometimes might
pop it into a sock.
-Pop it into a sock?
-Yes.
It's just what boys did, Fi,
tocollect the mess.
Were they your socks?
No. I'm afraid they were Mum's.
I filled her pop socks.
Ah. Suppose Tom and Anne,
not coming.
I shouldn't think so, no.
Oh, it's very sad,
isn't it, the break-up?
-Mmm.
-Awful.
Poor Anne.
Maybe not, maybe it's poor Tom.
Oh, no, no, because apparently
Anne said that she, at one point,
she thought he was
seeing a prostitute,
because she found sort of clumps
of ginger pubic hair in the bed.
Why did she assume
that was a prostitute?
Well, II imagine
She did buy Tom that zookeeper's day
for his birthday, so
Maybe picked up some hairs there.
You know - a fox or an orang-utan.
Or servals, they're sort of gingery,
aren't they?
Well, no, there was evidence
of a takeaway as well.
Maybe he brought the serval back
for a takeaway.
Well, no, I mean, I think if it had
been a full-bodied human being
as opposed to a prostitute,
he'd have at least offered her
a ready meal.
Oh, here's Davey.
Hello, love.
Archie?
-Archie, here's Davey.
-Archie?
Say hello, love.
Come and say hello. Come on.
-He's a bit shy.
-Yes, he's
It's Davey.
Don't, sorry, don't
Why don't you two go and play
hide and seek or something?
Where we can see you. Just
That's enough.
-Cheers, Rob.
-Ah! Cheers!
Adam's got something to celebrate,
as well, actually.
Have I? What?
Two years.
-Oh.
-Two years sober.
He got his badge.
Oh, well done, Adam.
-Yeah.
-Oh, so not a drop since
Elizabeth. No.
Well, that is fantastic, Adam.
And you look great.
Thanks, mate. I feel great.
RAINFALL, BIRDS CALL
SNORING
GRUNTING
Did you hear that?
Robin!
Can you hear that?
What's that noise?
Robin, go and have a look.
OK.
I won't be a sec.
Robin, don't shine that in my face.
--Ow!
-Sorry.
-You stupid idiot.
God's sake!
MOOING
It's just a bull and a cow
having, you knowintercourse.
Don't shine that at me, youmoron.
Sorry.
What are they doing,
having intercourse
in the middle of the night?
I don't know.
Maybe it's his birthday.
Don't be stupid.
Don't be silly, Robin.
I think it's quite romantic.
It's not romantic.
Robin, don't poke that in my hip.
-Stop it.
-OK.
Move it away.
HE SIGHS
HE SNORES
YELPING, LAUGHTER
Robin! He's got someone in there.
Do you want me to go and look?
Yes. Go, now, quickly.
All right, darling.
Hurry up.
Back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Just get on with it.
Argh!
-Give me your money.
MAN LAUGHS
ROBIN EXCLAIMS
Come on, come on, one, two, three!
-Cheers!
-Cheers!
Oi-oi, what the fuck?!
-Hey, man!
-What's this makeover?
You look, er
I did what millions of people
do every day,
I just walked into Topshop
-and expressed myself.
-Right.
It's skinny,
it's, ercarrot jeans.
With a nutmeg boot.
I was really sorry to hear
about the split, you know,
you and Anne, that's
That must have been awful.
It was awful. But
I'm actually
I'm actually feeling kind of awesome
right now.
So, cheers to that!
--Sorry.
-Ooh!
-Sorry, I just
Hey! Hello, darling. How are you?
No, well, asleep. Asleep.
I'm sorry, this isn't going
to work for me, because it's like,
it'ssort of midnight,
and we didn't know you were coming.
-Oh, Fi!
-Don't please snap
at me again, Robin.
But the point is
I've had everything organised.
You know, the kitty and everything.
-Right.
-You know, it's just
Numbers are sort of building,
aren't they?
-By one!
-Right, Robin, you are going
to have to stop drinking
if you're going to lash out
at me like this.
Actually, you've got not one but two
new partners in crime, birthday boy.
What are you talking about?
-I've brought someone with me.
-What?
-Well, do we know him?
-Er
It's a she, actually.
Oh, goodness, Tom, is?
-Is Anne here?
-Hm?
No, no, fuck, no, no.
No, I'm talking aboutmy new lady.
Your new la
Oh, for
You don't fucking waste any time,
do you?
Haven't got time to waste, mate.
Plus, you know, Anne and I have been
broken up a while, now.
Three weeks?
Actually just shy of a month, Fi.
But, um
-Hey!
-Hey, baby. How you doing?
-Hi.
-Hello.
Guys,
this is the aforementioned Fay.
-Hi!
-I'm Robin.
-Hi, Robin.
-Nice to meet you.
He's the birthday boy.
This is my wife, Fiona.
Hi, Fi. Hi there,
thank you so much for inviting us.
Well, I didn't
This is Adam and this is Kez.
Hi, Kez. Hi, Adam.
This is a wicked venue.
-Yeah.
-Fi, kudos to you.
It's reallyit's incredible.
How did youhow did you find
somewhere like this?
- Well, I looked online.
- Oh, that's great.
-Cool.
-That's great.
It's really,
kind ofkind of countryside-y.
Yeah, it's rural. Sorry, Tom
Do you fancy a brewski, babe?
Yeah, I'd love one.
Whoa, big man, is this, er
Is this cool?
Oh, God, yeah. Cool.
Listen, we should get you to your
quarters because it's getting late.
Oh, no, sorry, that's, actually, no.
Because no, the point is
we've only got a single tent
on standby for Tom,
you know, in the event that Tom
came, he would be coming solo.
Well, luckily, Fi
..those days are over.
Right?
I'm a bittired, actually, so
Yeah. Yeah, let's
See you in the morning, mate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good to see you.
-Night, Fi.
-Night, Kerry.
TOM AND FAY GIGGLE
Just at the back there, Tom.
Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.
-Night.
-Take care, man.
Nice to meet you, Fay.
Shall we go? Shall we go?
What?
Ssh!
--Sorry.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
Come on.
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
Morning.
M-M-Morning.
Mmm
This is the life, eh?
Mm. We need to get cracking, really,
I want to get to Bridport
by 10am at the latest.
-It's 7.30.
-We're just mooching
there, aren't we. darling?
I mean, there's no hurry.
No, I want to pick up the fish
I ordered from the Bridport fishery
-last year.
-Right.
I'm making a stargazey pie
for supper tomorrow,
it's where the little fish heads
poke up out of the cheesy crust.
Yum.
Tomatoes, anyone?
We've got stewed or sun-dried.
Oh, no, stewed are fine for Archie,
but please not sun-dried, thank you.
What? It's an allergy, is it?
Oh, no, it's any foods which Fi
feels could be vaguely homosexual.
Couscous, Marie-Rose sauce, wraps.
Yes, yeah. Quite a few grains,
apparently.
Polenta, buckwheat.
Things like that, you know,
but also mozzarella.
Baguettes, you know,
things that gay people eat.
You know, they've discovered
there is a link.
So, you know He's already showing
some of the facial bloating
normally associated
with profoundly homosexual men.
Actually, I've got some itineraries
for you, you know,
best routes to Bridport.
There are actually seven.
I've highlighted
the three fastest, etc.
It's a 15-minute drive,
but I've allowed an hour
for unexpecteds.
Yeah, Fi, can I just ask one thing?
With theitinerary,
what time can I actually
have a shit?
Here's the coffee. And I've got
some lovely treats for lunch.
-Oh, yum.
-Oh, my God.
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!
-Morning, morning!
-Give me coffee!
--Hi, guys!
-Wowsers.
-Hi.
Wicked brekkie spread, guys.
You a coffee head too, are you?
Oh, my God, I am such a bitch
if I don't get my coffee.
Mm. A beautiful bitch.
Bitch on bloody heat.
Mmmmm!
-Mm, yumski.
-Have you got
pain au chocolat in here?
Er Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
Those are the pain au chocolat!
Oh, my God. Pain au chocolat!
I'm going to come,
I'm going to come!
Oh-ho, no more coming!
I'm going to drown!
Excuse me, can I?
I would appreciate everyone's kitty
contributions before people start
snatching at food willy-nilly.
OK. Well, look, tell you what,
how about lunch-wise,
we, like, I don't know,
maybe we could, like,
treat these guys to some pub grub?
Just have a bit of a boozy one,
what do you think, Robin?
-Boozy-woozy.
-Yeah.
Oh, sorry, I love kids, by the way,
so that's not a problem.
Oh, that's great, isn't it
--Oh.
-Is it choccy?
-A bit of choccy.
-Can we play swing ball now?
Not at the moment, just when
I've finished my coffee, love.
So, um So what do you do, Fay?
-Oh.
-Do youknow anything
about dubstep?
Dubstep? Yes, I think
they offer that at our gym.
-Oh, bless.
-No, they don't.
THEY LAUGH
-No?
-No, OK, so
Stepercise?
-Fay's a DJ. Right.
-Guilty.
And dubstep's about 80 to 120
120bpm, that's beats per minute.
Oh, OK. Quick.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fast.
Keep up, mate.
I didn't think you liked clubbing.
I love it, mate.
But what about the?
Well, I've got
the inner ear problem.
Funny story about that, actually.
Right.
Cos the night we met,
like, in the club,
I actually had a fit. I fitted.
And this little lady put me in the
back of an ambulance, didn't you?
It's basically vertigo
with vomiting, isn't it?
Still, one advantage is
you look like the drunkest
motherfucker in the room.
You know? Some people thought
I was doing the worm and shit.
-I wasn't.
-Which you can do.
I can, I can do the worm.
He's really good at the worm.
I thought you'd shit yourself.
Yeah, well, I did a little bit!
-Did you?
-Yeah, you're not in
complete control in that situation,
but you know,
it's a condition, and
you live with it every day
that God gives you, fo' sho'!
Have you got any conditions
you want to tell us about, Fay,
or can we get going?
Unfortunately, Fay is,
umon a course of treatment
because she's a
nympho-fucking-manic.
Aren't you?
No known cure, baby.
HEAVY BREATHING
Dad, will you play swingball now?
Erwhen I've had my coffee, love.
Two minutes.
Um I could play with him,
if you want?
-Oh.
-Yeah? Why don't you enjoy
your coffee, Robin.
-Thank you.
-Baby!
15-love!
-OK.
-God. She's so great with kids.
Does Anne know all about this, Tom?
Huh?
Does Anne know about this?
Anne is
I mean, we're on, like,
we're on different cycles,
at the moment, I think, you know?
We having time off,
that's understood.
I'm seeing Fay, she's seeing
this builder called Horst.
-Horse?
-Horst, with a T.
-Oh.
-Cos he'sfrom Denmark.
And Ronan Keating got it right,
you know?
Life is just a freaking
rollercoaster, and I just
I hope things are going
as beautifully for her
as they are for me.
Argh!
Oh, my God!
Um
- I'm sorry.
- Sweetie
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!
Get the bloody car, we going to have
to take into A
She's just belted him in the eye.
I didn't mean to!
I'm sure it's not serious.
Of course it's serious, he's got
a detached retina, probably.
Is he OK?
No, he's not OK. No, he's not OK.
Oh, my God! Robin, get the car!
He's going to be blind.
Let me have a look, darling.
Oh, my God,
he's going to be blind, or dumb.
He's going to be a gay blind dwarf!
Oh, my God! Come on, Archie!
How you doing? Come on, baby.
Oh, no.
Oh, he'll be all right.
Come on, Robin!
Right, stand there, darling.
Stand still.
Right.
Is he all right? How are you?
There we are, sweetie.
I'm not sure he needs the eye patch.
Of course he does, Robin,
it was completely flung forward.
His eye's virtually come out!
Just give him some Calpol.
What, to keep his eye in?
All right, all right.
Step in, darling.
There we are, carefully, carefully.
All right.
Put your seatbelt on.
Oh, just drive, Robin!
You're overreacting slightly.
You're under-reacting enormously.
Just drive, please.
Have you there in a jiff.
--It's left.
-What?
-Oh!
Hey! ♪