Can You Keep a Secret? (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
SHE PANTS
Shouldn't drive with that -
blind spot.
-Yeah, I know.
-It's dangerous, Harold.
That's illegal. Oof.
SHE SIGHS
It's meant to commemorate Dad,
but if we don't plant it soon,
it'll die, which would make it
not a memorial of Dad,
-more of a re-enactment.
-But today's not good,
because I've got Widow Club
with Billie and Jean and Pamela.
-Pamela's not a widow.
-I know,
but Jean worries that she's lonely.
It's annoying.
-Sweet, though.
-Yeah.
We have good fun, to be fair.
We have our own secret handshake,
like the Masons.
-I'd like to see that.
-Yeah, well, you can't.
You're not a widow.
PHONE RINGS
-Pigfish has struck again.
-Oh, no. Don't tell me.
I've got to buy him a chippy tea.
Neha, he's a criminal,
not a stray cat.
I just want to keep him
out of trouble.
He is the trouble.
He puts petrol pumps up his arse.
It's a cry for help, Harry.
If you did that,
would you want to be judged
or cared for?
-I wouldn't do it.
-You can't say that with any certainty.
I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb
to start doing that.
And anyway, you know,
-petrol makes me sneeze.
-Right, look, I'm going to be late.
Erm, can you pick
the boys up tonight?
-Yeah. Of course. Yeah.
-Good lad. Love you.
-I love you. Woof-woof.
-Meow.
Woof-woof.
SHE SIGHS
-Tea, wasn't it? -Yes, please.
-Well, we haven't got any bags,
so that's coffee.
Actually, we haven't got any milk,
so that's Yakult.
Do you mind if I stretch
while we chat?
It's very important after jogging.
-Right, except you don't jog.
-Of course I jog.
-You just saw me.
-Are you joking? That was not jogging.
-What was it, then?
-Walking. You were wearing furry slippers.
Harold, would you for once,
for the love of God
and all that is holy,
not find something to criticise?
Yeah, sorry.
I mean, I did bring a list,
-but I guess that can wait.
-But I'm very glad you're here.
Clearly.
I've got something for you.
Oh, no. You've not been to
the charity shop again, have you?
Jesus Christ.
The money from
your dad's life insurance
-finally came through.
-In cash?
What did he do,
take insurance out with a cartel?
No, that was my decision.
You know how I feel about the banks
after what they did to Noel Edmonds.
There you are, £10,000.
I'll get you a carrier bag.
My God.
Harold? What's wrong?
Are you crying?
Oh, sorry.
I thought I was cheering you up.
What, by reducing
my dad to a bag of cash?
Well, I was impressed by how much
we got for him.
I didn't think I'd miss him
like this.
It's just, you know,
on TV shows, people say,
you know, "She's my mum,
but she's also my best friend."
-Yeah.
-Well, obviously we've never had that.
-Mm-hm.
-And now he's not here,
I've realised
Dad was my best friend.
Oh, Harold, you really should have
friends your own age.
You're all right, though,
aren't you?
Yeah. Sort of. I mean, the doctor's
put me on anti-depressants.
-What? He hasn't.
-It was a she, actually.
Harold, why have they done
that to you?
You're not depressed, are you?
You've got nothing
to be depressed about.
-Why didn't you come and talk to me?
-It's not a big deal.
It's not. I mean,
lots of people take them.
Yeah, but they're people from
broken homes,
tattooed wackits
with proper problems
like, um, Pigfish,
you know Pigfish in town?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
-You know that he puts petrol pumps up his?
-Yeah, I know.
Right. Did you know that
Pamela has to clean off the nozzles?
If anyone should be
on anti-depressants, it's her.
Hm.
I didn't know you felt like this.
I didn't know you felt anything.
Is it my fault?
No.
Maybe a bit is, you know, 85%.
But I can't pin it all on you.
No, because your dad deserves
his fair share.
-Oh, Harold.
-I'm sorry. -So am I.
What?
Nothing. I just
SHE SIGHS
-Erm
-Mum?
Look.
-Can you keep a secret?
-What is it?
Wait there.
Oh, my God.
Dad!
I didn't want to do it.
Now, you're probably
wondering what's been going on.
-No, not at all.
-Oh.
I think he's being sarcastic.
-Are you being sarcastic?
-Of course I'm being sarcastic!
-Why didn't you tell me?
-Well, we thought it best
to lie low
until the money came through.
They're very nosy,
those insurance people.
Yeah, some might say
for good reason.
-Mm. Fair point.
-You let me think you were dead for two months!
Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you,
-but it's been, ooh, a bit
-It's complicated. -..complicated.
-Yeah.
-Has it?
Because right now you're acting
like you forgot to put the bins out.
Oh, OK. We'll take that as feedback.
-Yeah. Did you put the bins out?
-It's not Tuesday, is it?
Oh, William,
have you missed the bins?
Oh, no, sorry.
I thought it was Thursday.
-It is Thursday.
-No, the bins go out on a Tuesday.
I don't know about your bins,
but today is Thursday.
Is it? So we have missed the bins,
then.
Stop talking about the bins.
Please, stop!
-How are you alive?
-Well, it's actually
It's quite a funny story, really.
Tonight, on Border Force
Australia
It was a normal Wednesday evening.
We'd been watching TV.
-Border Force Australia.
-Have you seen it?
-It's very, very good.
-So good.
Some of the stuff they try
and smuggle in is extraordinary.
Especially, dare I say it,
the Chinese.
-Oh, don't be racist.
-I'm not being racist. -A bit.
Just fascinated by their ingenuity.
There's one couple who travelled
all the way from Shanghai to Sydney
with 700 boiled eggs hidden
in cuckoo clocks.
-What's all that about?
-I don't care.
Oh. All right. Anyway, your mother
went to make a cup of tea.
-I'll be the one who makes it, then, shall I?
-Thank you very much.
-And? -And we didn't have any teabags.
-You never have any bloody teabags.
-Don't swear.
-Oh, please, just get on with it.
So I nip to the shops.
Should have checked your blind spot.
Oh, shut up, Harold.
When I got back,
your dad was completely zonked.
Out for the count.
It's my own silly fault, really,
because sometimes I struggle
to remember
when I've taken my Parky pills.
And that night, I was meant to take
them at eight o'clock, wasn't I?
But then I remembered
that I'd forgotten
to take them earlier in the day.
So I thought, "Aha, I'll take
a double dose now and catch up."
Unfortunately,
because of the Parkinson's,
what I'd forgotten to remember
is that I'd actually not forgotten
to remember to take them earlier
in the day.
In fact, I remembered earlier
that I would
more than likely forget
to take them later.
So I took a double dose earlier
in order to get ahead
for when I forgot later,
which, all in all,
long story short, I took 16 pills,
which, frankly, is enough
to tranquillise a hippopotamus.
And that's a full-size one,
not one of the pygmy ones.
Although they are lovely,
aren't they?
You know, the little snouts
and everything.
You know, the little snuffly
noises.
HE SNUFFLES
Anyway, yes.
He completely stopped breathing.
William
William! Wake up.
Don't be silly now. Stop it!
William. Erm
Oh, look who's here.
The girls are here.
Look, there's your favourites.
Nyom, nyom, nyom.
No?
William, stop mucking about.
Susanna Reid's got a skirt on.
No?
William
Oh, God. Oh, God.
So I called for an ambulance,
but they were all busy.
We can't wait two hours!
So then I called the GP.
Now, unfortunately,
the GP around here is Dr Harper.
-Why unfortunately?
-Because, since Covid,
Dr Harper has developed very, very,
very bad health anxiety.
-She's a doctor with health anxiety?
-Yep.
Poor woman. Every working day
her own personal Vietnam.
-I don't really want to touch him.
-But he's
-He's not breathing.
-I really don't like doing these.
-What do you mean, these?
-Dead bodies.
-He's dead?! -He looks it, doesn't he?
-Well, I don't know!
-I'm not a doctor.
-I'll double-check. What's he called again?
William.
William? Can you hear me?
William.
- SING-SONG:
- William!
Yeah. No.
-Do you have the time?
-What for?
For the form, time of You know.
She's just crap.
WILLIAM YAWNS
Oh, did you manage to record
the rest of Border Force?
I really want to know
why that man's cricket bag
was full of live crabs.
What?
You massive twat!
It turns out I hadn't died.
No shit.
Why didn't you tell someone
it was a mistake?
We tried. I was on hold with the GP
all bloody morning.
It's broken Britain, Harold.
Anyway, then I went over to see the,
erm Oh, what do you call it?
The house of death.
The coffin shop.
-Funeral director.
-Yes, yes. -Wait, why?
There was no body.
Well, you'd have thought that,
wouldn't you?
He's dead. He can't speak.
-He can't tell you, can he?
-I didn't lose it.
Well, somebody lost it.
-Good afternoon, madam.
-Hello. I hope you can help me.
-It's about my husband.
-Of course. Name?
-William Fendon.
-William Fendon?
You see, the thing is,
he's been declared dead and, erm
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Would you excuse me
for one very quick moment, please?
Thank you.
-Good news. -What?
-I've found him.
-Who?
-The bloke in there whose paperwork you lost.
-I didn't lose it.
-You bloody did. Anyway
INDISTINCT WHISPERING
Sorry about that.
Would you like to see him?
-Who?
-William. He's just through here.
No, no, that's the thing.
See, William isn't dead.
No, of course.
Is that the death certificate?
Yes. See, that's what I was trying
to tell you.
Bit of professional advice,
get lots of copies.
You'll need them
for the banks, savings,
and, of course,
any life insurance policies.
So
Erm
Well, I suppose a quick peek
wouldn't hurt.
I'll admit that was a bit naughty.
I hope you're happy with
what we've done.
It's
Well, yes, he looks lovely.
My darling William.
If you want to have a final moment
with him, please go ahead.
No, that's all right. Thank you.
Please. I'm not here.
OK.
There, there.
SHE EXHALES
Thank you, erm
-Marcus.
-..for this.
-It's an honour, Mrs Fendon.
-Thank you.
Some people like to have
a final kiss.
-Do they?
-Yes.
Do they?
-Do they?
-Oh, yes.
I'm not here.
Right.
Thank you for that.
They definitely do this, do they?
Mm-hm. Oh, yes.
OK.
-On the lips?
-Exactly!
The things I do for this family.
Shubh Diwali.
Beautiful.
That's our special thing
that we say.
We had a funeral!
Are you telling me we just cremated
some old bloke we'd never met?
Yes, which actually isn't
much different from
a lot of blokes' funerals,
not least my own father's.
This is too much.
Yeah, it's too much.
But, you know,
when life gives you lemonade
You don't go out anyway.
I know,
but at least I've got the choice.
Well, you've had the choice
for 68 years.
What are you going
to start missing now?
Laser Quest?
-Popping round Geoff's for a coffee and a crumpet.
-Who's Geoff?
Exactly! Geoff has lived in this
village ever since we moved in.
And do you know what he'd say
if I told him,
"Oh, William's died"?
Erm, "Oh, dear"?
No, he'd say, "Who's William?"
Because, my darling,
the wonderful thing about you is that
you might as well have been dead
for the last 30 years.
In fact, the only person
on this planet who's going
-to miss you is me.
-Yeah.
-And Harry.
-Well, yeah.
And the grandchildren.
Ooh. Oh-oh!
Let's not push it.
But that's the point, isn't it?
Imagine what that money could do
for them.
-We've been model citizens, haven't we?
-Yeah.
You know, we've paid our taxes.
We've paid our bills.
We haven't been arrested much.
And that ghastly
insurance company.
Paid all that money all those years
and what did they say
when you got your Parkinson's?
-It wasn't covered.
-Yeah, exactly.
The game is rigged
and we're we're the goodies.
We followed all the rules
and what have we got to show for it?
Sweet Fanny Adams's empty fanny,
that's what.
In the middle of nowhere
in this dingy house,
with a dodgy boiler
and a garden full of fox shit.
SHE SIGHS
Is Geoff the one who shoves
petrol pumps up his jacksie?
-No, that's Pigfish.
-Oh.
HE SNIFFS
-It's insane.
-Yes.
And I can understand
why you might feel a bit put out.
-Put out?
-I'm not emotionally switched on, am I?
And we did want that money
for you
and Neha and the boys, so
There's more
where that came from.
Yeah, I know, I've seen the bag.
How much did you get?
250,000.
Jesus Christ, you've stolen
a quarter of a million quid?!
We haven't stolen anything.
We have simply taken back
what we paid in.
Yeah, well, plus a little bit more.
Well, don't be pedantic.
Those were expenses.
You two are weapons-grade
bonkers.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Balls.
-That's Billie and Jean.
-Shamone.
Must you do that every time?
Better get upstairs, then.
-Oh, shit.
-Cooee?
Don't swear, Mother.
Shut up, Harold,
you patronising chode.
Chode? I don't think you know
what that means.
We let ourselves in.
Hope you don't mind.
No, no Come on in.
-How are you?
-Why am I in here? I'm alive.
Did you hear about Geoff
at the Londis?
-No?
-He fell head first into the croissant display cabinet.
And they don't know
whether it's the plastic of the case
or a stale croissant,
but something sliced
his face right up.
-Oh, Lord.
-Yeah, he'll have a big scar now.
He'll be unrecognisable.
Wouldn't a big scar on your face
make you more recognisable?
"Which one's Geoff?"
"The one with the big scar."
Oh, this is interminable.
No, it's not so bad.
It's best when Pamela's not here.
-Why?
-Because Billie's a narcoleptic and Jean's completely blind.
So when it's just the two of them
and your mum,
I can be in there with them,
eating the posh biscuits,
without any requirement
to make conversations.
It's pretty good, really.
Well, surely they hear you munching.
No, because I suck
all the chocolate off first,
and then I let the biscuit melt
in my mouth.
Right.
BILLIE SNORES
I told Geoff he needs stitches,
but he can't go to the hospital now
cos they've ditched
the Durston route.
Yeah, it's broken Britain, Jean.
And he can't afford a cab, so
SNORING CONTINUES
Oh, hello.
-Can I use your bog, Deb?
-Yeah, make yourself at home.
Thank you.
You'll regret saying that.
-Oh, that set me off.
-What do you mean?
Well, once the idea of a pee's
put in my head,
-I can't think about anything else.
-Are you serious?
Once the wee-wee wolf is
at the door,
he doesn't take no for an answer.
It's like a Jehovah's Wolf.
Mm. Poor old Geoff, eh?
Will you excuse me a minute?
SHE MOUTHS
TOILET FLUSHES
Where has she learnt that word?
She knows I'm sensitive about being
of stocky stature.
-Dad?
-Just a moment.
Ohhh.
TRICKLING
HE EXHALES
SQUEAKY FAR
HE EXHALES
Oh, Dad. This is a low.
Mm.
Girls, would you mind dropping this
in to Geoff on your way home?
Just a little contribution
towards his taxi from me.
Oh, you're a good soul.
Well, no act of kindness
is ever wasted.
It is on Geoff!
That'll all go on OnlyFans.
Hm. Yeah.
You're still there?
What have you been doing all day?
-I can't even begin to explain.
-Hang on.
-Two cod meals, please.
-And a saveloy, battered.
And a pickled egg.
And a curry sauce.
And a can of pop.
And one of them
choc brownies for afters.
Listen, please make sure
you're back for bath, OK?
I can't face that alone.
I'm feeling very touched out.
Why do you keep using
that in the wrong context?
-I really feel it.
-Harry, touched out is when you've spent
all day being terrorised
by toddlers.
Yeah, I know. Believe me, I feel it.
Bye.
Right, I've got to go.
Oh, shame, cos we haven't had
a chance to catch up,
-you know, as a family.
-Oh, yeah. You want to catch up?
OK, cool. What's new?
Well, let's see.
Well, in between mourning you, Dad,
and worrying about you, Mum,
and being diagnosed with depression,
I did finally sign up
for a Nectar card.
-So that's great, isn't it?
-Oh, don't,
because your dad didn't get a chance
to spend his points.
-Had enough for some wireless headphones.
-Oh, what a shame.
Any other regrets? Like the lying?
Faking your own death?
Spending no time
with your grandchildren?
Well, you're always telling your mum
what a nightmare they are.
Well, yeah, they are a nightmare,
but they're our nightmare
and I'd be grateful
to palm them off on you
from time to time.
Look, don't get me wrong,
I'm really happy you're alive.
-Thank you.
-I really, really am.
But I'm a bit concerned about
your decision-making.
-Do you mean the Nectar points?
-No, Mum, I mean him,
hiding in the loft
like a geriatric Anne Frank.
And when he does come downstairs,
he pisses himself
in the kitchen cupboard,
and then you just reward him
with a pack of biscuits
like you're potty training
a delinquent cockapoo.
I've wet myself
in every supermarket in town,
including both Tescos -
Metro and Express -
-and I'm actually rather proud of it.
-Mm.
You could probably get a blue plaque
for that.
Mum, Dad, please.
Please, this is fraud.
You can go to prison.
That canoe couple, they went
down for years!
Listen, we didn't start this.
I mean, granted,
we didn't stop it either,
but, you know,
who are we to argue with the NHS?
They're the ones
who declared your dad dead.
And spare a thought
for poor Dr Harper.
-She'd be mortified if she found out!
-I've got to go.
Hey, hey, hey.
You mustn't tell Neha.
You could put her career at risk.
Well, it's not me who's done that,
is it?
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Oh, God.
Oh, I just wanted to say
before you go
do you think Nectar points
are transferable post-mortem?
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
It's not the time. Understood.
At least there's one positive from
the secret being out -
I get to talk to you again.
I know we've put you in a tiny
bit of an impossible situation,
but we'll respect whatever
you decide.
Although,
if your mother heard me say that,
she'd kill me.
-Again.
-Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, and, er, sorry.
Do take this.
Your mum told me
your rent's gone up.
I mean, these landlords
are bloody crooks, aren't they?
ENGINE STARTS
SIREN WAILS
There we go.
It's very shiny.
Hope you didn't spend too much.
Well, if something's worth doing,
it's worth doing properly.
Ah.
-Is that a magnolia?
-Yeah. -Thought so.
That won't make it through winter.
Catastrophic wood rot round here.
-Right. Thanks, Clive.
-Yeah, you're welcome.
TV: - Remember that the
very next bag might contain
highly illegal contraband.
At Brisbane Airport, one of
the longest-serving X-ray operators
is Clarence McTier,
who has been scanning
passengers' luggage since 1987.
And we're glad to say
that he is back in remission.
-I can't believe he's actually gone.
-I know.
Oh, I know.
Neither can we.
TV: - And so ends another
eventful day on Australia's front line,
despite the best efforts of
the devious and dishonest
-Mrs, Fendon
-Yep.
-I want my money.
-Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed.
Bloody hell, that's annoying.
Found that in my pocket
at the bowls club last night.
-Who sent it?
-I don't know!
What sort of friend
blackmails her own mates?
We're not criminals, we're
We're Wallace and Gromit.
- NEHA:
- You two might be,
but your mum's a penguin with
a rubber glove on her head.
You and your parents need
to stop being lunatics.
I am your Great-Uncle Otto
from Bavaria.
Promise me
that you'll find this bastard
and nail his bollocks
to his backside.
-Who are you?
-Debbie Fendon.
We're a crime family.
Oh, don't be silly.
Crime families kill people.
We're just a bit complicated,
like the Beckhams. Come on.