Crap Happens (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

1
For as long as he can remember,
Toni Fleischer's only goal
was to make it big.
As I hold it down tonight Never uptight
Letting loose on the mic
Speaking the frequency pleasingly
Keeping me smoother than ice
You won't be believin' your eyes
Giving you nothing but vibes
Keeping it moving tonight
Tight on the mic every day of my life
Yummy!
I was on 'shrooms
You smelled the fumes
But after 18 years in Berlin,
he's still just making pizza,
not hits.
The talent was there,
but he was just one of those people
who was never in the right place
at the right time.
His only two fans were
a dead-eyed jar of sourdough
he called Susi,
and the owner of the pizza shop, Pipo,
who believed in Toni so much he let him
live in the restaurant's basement,
something Toni was forever grateful for.
Thanks again for letting me crash here.
Pfft. Yeah, dude, you know,
mi casa es su casa.
Pipo helped Toni any chance he got.
Your good luck charm for tonight.
Sometimes with moral support…
Um, thanks, bro.
…but mostly with pizza.
Toni's day started out like any other.
Oh. The usual?
Fried chicken banana, 19.95, please.
Thank you.
Today, like every day,
he was reminded that he wasn't
living the life he'd dreamed of.
Your pizza's absolute shit.
See you tomorrow, Birgit.
See you tomorrow.
And right at that moment,
as he was doubting everything yet again,
his mother,
at her towing company far away…
…got a call
that would change Toni's life forever.
Twenty-four-hour towing service.
Fleischer.
What'd you say? A duck stuck up a tree?
I'll be there soon.
Wera Fleischer, Toni's mom,
was a six-time East German
discus throwing champion.
She wasn't exactly thrilled
about Toni's life choices.
What mom would be happy
her nearly 40-year-old son
is still trying to be a rapper?
Unlike Toni, Wera liked the rural charm
of her hometown, Schitten-on-Havel.
Come down now, Günther.
Mostly because of the ducks.
Fine, I'll help you.
But this is the last time, okay?
Toni had been warning his mom
not to climb trees since he was a kid.
Come here.
Shit.
Meanwhile, in Berlin, Toni had no idea
about the bizarre accident
his mother just had.
Besides, he had other concerns.
He had a big gig coming up that night,
and the poor guy was really nervous.
- How are you, bro? You nervous?
- Nah.
Really, really nervous.
- Are… are you sure?
- Maybe a little.
Sure he was, because it was Thursday,
which, like every damn Thursday,
meant the same thing…
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Rap on Thursday!
Rap on Thursday was
the largest event of its kind in Berlin
for anyone looking to make it big.
Dude, they're, like, way younger than you.
And cooler. They even smell better.
I knew inviting you was a mistake.
You know the rules.
Mano a mano, one on one.
No pre-written shit, just freestyle.
Berlin's freshest rappers are here
tonight to make their name.
Give it up for the new generation!
And the not-so-new generation.
- I think she means you, bro.
- No shit, Pipo.
'Cause you're super old.
MC CRICKET CHIRPIN' EXT. REMIX
NANCY (BIG SISTER
THAT I DON'T GET ALONG WITH)
Sorry, bro, I gotta take this.
- You're up soon.
- Just a sec.
- Yeah?
- You said you'd call me back.
Yeah. Sorry, I've been busy, okay?
- That was nine months ago.
- Nancy, I'm about to go on stage.
Mom died today.
What? How?
The way she always wanted.
Rescuing a duck from up a tree?
Yeah, rescuing a duck from up a tree.
Then got struck by lightning.
I'm sure you're busy with your rap thing,
but you have to come to the funeral.
And for our first battle, here's Svenni
from Dolph Lundgren High School
in Bottrop-Ekel!
- Yeah, Dolph!
- Let's go! Let's go!
Versus Toni!
- Are we clear?
- Yeah. Uh, Nancy, I can't talk right now.
Berlin, are you feeling good
tonight or what? Yeah! Dope!
Put your hands in the air. Hands up!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
That's right, yeah.
I gotta battle this clown
You must be absurd
No style, no swag
Just a fat-ass nerd
Look at this loser
Standing there like a bitch
While live on stage
I give your mother my dick
Ooh!
Oh no, he didn't, man!
Okay, okay, okay. And now, Toni!
- Uh
- Give your mother my dick
Mom died today.
Your pizza's absolute shit.
Okay.
Giving my mom some dick?
Well, truth be told
You're too late, my mom's dead
Her friggin' body is cold
So maybe find someone else
To ride your dick
I just got the call
With lightning, she was hit
Uh
That's why them jokes ain't lit
But Svenni is right
I'm a fat, useless bitch
I always thought that one day
I'd be Tupac
But nowadays
Everyone's encouraging me to stop
I left my small town
To prove that I'm an innovator
It turns out
I'm just a corny, phony imitator
When I was young and fresh
I used to spit the nicest
I guess I paid the prices
Going through midlife crisis
Now we're here
Rapping at some weird, weary kid
Myriad of raps
Although he's never had his period
My whole life I just knew
That I was gonna blow
But when you watch your life go by
That ain't the way it goes
All my life I knew
I'd be a master rapper
But my résumé just says
That I make pizza faster
Believe in me? Not even my moms
Ashamed for ten years
I never went home
Shit, man, Mom gave it to me straight
There was no way I would ever make it
With the rhymes that I create
But I'm still on it
Realizing that I'm a pawn
Dime a dozen chasing a bullshit dream
Until time is gone
Fuck it
'Cause it's too late for that, y'all
I think I should just leave it all
Wow.
Where are you going?
Schitten.
Did he just say "shitting"?
CRAP HAPPENS
Way out in Brandenburg,
you'll find Toni's hometown,
Schitten-on-Havel.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please have your tickets out.
He hadn't even arrived yet, but
all he could think about was one thing…
- When's the return trip to Berlin?
- Four weeks.
SCHITTEN CENTRAL STATION
This is the final stop, Schitten-on-Havel.
Please exit here, everyone!
NO SIGNAL
Tumbleweeds for sale. Gather round!
Sir? Care for some tumbleweeds?
Brandenburg authentic tumbleweeds,
artisanally grown.
The origins of
the unfortunate name Schitten…
WELCOME TO SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL
…are lost to history.
But Toni knew this,
his hometown truly lived up to its name.
He never felt like
he belonged in a town like this,
with an '"Upermarket" that had been
missing its S for the last 30 years,
and a theater where he'd been laughed
off the stage when he first tried to rap.
It just never felt like home to him.
Here, people took pride
in their leaf blower museum.
SCHITTEN LEAF BLOWER MUSEUM
And in having
beloved actress Veronika Ferres…
…voted in as mayor for multiple terms.
Vote for me when you're all grown up.
TOWN HALL
Oh, democracy.
ANY-WEATHER HOTEL
Toni strolled past
all the content, down-to-earth folk
who always thought he was weird
because he had a dream
they never really understood,
and who put obstacles in his way.
FERRES, COMPLEX IDEAS FOR SCHITTEN
He had zero interest in bumping into
all the people who never believed in him,
including his mother
and his three sisters.
FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE
He wanted to come back as a star.
But sadly, he left a loser,
and came back a loser.
FLEISCHER 24H TOWING SERVICE
"It's just one day."
"I can deal with this for one day.
Then I'm gone."
Or so he thought.
Get off our skateboard.
Okay.
And so, he reunited with his family.
Toni's sister Nancy is
the only policewoman in Schitten.
- Nancy.
- A total neat freak.
Take your shoes off in the house.
This is not Berlin, we have rules here.
- And a mother of four.
- Children. Say hello to your uncle.
Hello.
- You too.
- Hello.
His sister Kaia owns a junkyard,
likes to blow things up,
and swears so much
that we have to bleep her.
You look like a sack of .
And his sister Karo
is a driving instructor
and hasn't spoken a word to Toni
since he ruined her wedding
eight years ago.
And this is…
My son!
…Johnny Carrera.
Come to Papa! Oh!
Wera's widower and Toni's stepfather.
He's younger than Toni
and basically a walking waterworks.
This is so nice!
I'm so glad you're home again!
"One day.
Just make it through one day."
TOWING SERVICE
My condolences. She was truly wonderful.
Thank you.
Just one wiener per person, Pedro.
I see.
- Hey!
- Sorry!
So? Where is he?
END OF A (W)
ERA
Who the hell is that freak?
Excuse me, that's my seat.
Sorry, you're in my seat.
Can you move, please?
- Nice hat though.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry for your loss, my best friend.
Paulie.
It's been so long.
So many years.
Bet you thought about me a lot.
- Uh--
- Yeah?
Your mother's dead.
I know that.
She was so, um,
hot.
- Have I ever mentioned that?
- Too often.
Seriously. I used to jerk off
to her every day.
She was honestly the only thing
I jerked off to in high school.
- I don't need you to be honest.
- Okay.
Remember after graduation, you said,
"I'm going to Berlin to be a rap star,
and once I've made it,
you'll never see me here again"?
- It doesn't ring a bell.
- Well, you're here again.
- So? How 'bout you?
- Me? I'm doing great.
Everything's great.
Ever think about the old days, Toni?
- No.
- Same, dude, all the time.
- We were so young.
- My dear friends…
So young.
My name is Johnny Carrera,
and I had the honor of walking
alongside Wera during her golden years.
And I'm the proud and very lucky
stepfather of our four beautiful children.
Toni, give the people a wave.
- Wave for Daddy.
- Come on, Toni.
Wera was a woman
who never left anything to chance.
Even the streets
of our small town, she, uh…
She prepared them so there'd be little
"accidents" for her to take care of.
That's how we met, when she… slashed
the tires of my Opel Kadett and then…
towed me to her shop.
And she said,
"You're staying with me now."
And so I did.
I've been thinking a lot
about her very last words to me.
"You call that sex, Johnny Carrera?"
- No one thinks that's inappropriate?
- Can you just pay attention?
Now, let's listen to the beautiful words
of Wera's favorite poet, Haddaway.
"What is love?"
"Baby, don't…"
PIPO (DUDE I WORK WITH AT THE PIZZERIA)
"…hurt me."
"Don't hurt me…"
"…no more."
- Pipo?
- Dude.
- You're not gonna believe what happened.
- Hello?
A woman… you,
she saw you at the…
and she wants to meet you today.
- Pipo?
- She… your freestyling, seriously.
- I… I can't hear anything.
- And now she's at…
- No reception in this damn town.
- Can you hear me?
I'll be back tomorrow, okay?
- This is your dream…
- Take care of Susi.
Toni, you there?
- He has no reception.
- Where is he?
Schitten.
I've been thinking
of letting my hair grow out.
Mom always said my face was too delicate
for that, but now I might just try it.
- What if she hears you?
- Are you completely nuts?
Okay. Stupid idea.
Hey.
Toni's family reacted the way
they always did in emotional situations.
- Well?
- Well?
They repressed it.
- How are things in Berlin?
- Awesome.
- Berlin creeps me out.
- Yep.
You've never been there.
They eat dogs, don't they?
Yep.
- See what I mean now?
- Wow.
What's up with that weird kid on the keys?
Who even organized this thing?
In the book
of history's greatest love stories,
the tale of Tony and Jana…
is not present.
The first time he rapped to her
behind the gym,
back when they were 15,
he was the coolest guy in the world.
She was head over heels for him,
until she realized he was her first crush,
but not the great love of her life.
Women, right?
Go away, bro.
Come on, let's go.
My condolences.
Thanks.
- I bet 100 euro you wouldn't show.
- Sorry.
It's been a while.
- Fourteen years.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Did you happen to get my email or…
Um… No idea.
- When'd you send it?
- Fourteen years ago.
Never got it.
- Mm.
- Funeral director, huh?
- Uh, yeah.
- So you took over your mom's business?
Mm-hmm.
How about you? Working?
Yeah.
It's been great, actually.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, really good.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Never heard you on the radio.
I mean, I listen to a lot of it,
but I don't believe I've heard you.
Yeah, I was never in it
for the mainstream stuff.
Ah. Right.
Toni was embarrassed to be
back home with nothing accomplished.
In Berlin, people say
I'm the voice of my generation.
No one's ever said that.
Not in Berlin, not anywhere.
Uh…
How about your spam folder, did you look?
- What?
- Never mind. Um…
- Well…
- Hey, I'll be in touch.
I'll email ya.
Mm. You do that.
And at that moment,
for just a fraction of a second,
Toni found himself wondering what his life
would've looked like if he'd never left.
Home again, home again
One day I know I'll feel home again
Born again, born again
- One day I know I'll feel strong again
- Wera!
So I close my…
But then
he quickly pushed that thought aside.
…behind, moving on
Lost again, lost again
One day I know
Our paths will cross again
Smile again, smile again
One day I hope to make you smile again
I won't hide
Many times--
I used her own fat to make the explosives.
She'd be proud, for sure.
Home again, home again
One day I know I'll feel home again
Born again, born again
One day I know I'll feel strong again
I'll lift my head
JOHNNY CARRERA'S GLASS FIGURE COLLECTION
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECES!
Many times I've been told
All this talk will make you old
So I close my eyes
Knock-knock. Oh my God!
- Are you masturbating, you rascal?
- No.
So, does someone wanna be
tucked in again, or what?
You never tucked me in before.
You're younger than me, Jesus Christ.
- Champ…
- Don't call me that, dude.
What's wrong?
Why did you leave my room like this?
Oh, your mother wanted to have a place
that you could always come back to,
in case the music thing didn't work out.
She never really believed in me.
What? No. She always spoke
so highly of, um, whatever it is you do.
Did she ever mention
anything good about it at all?
Well… she said… she said many good things.
Name one thing.
Yeah… She…
- Hmm?
- She loved…
Hmm?
Your pants.
What?
She… "That boy wears really sturdy pants,"
her exact words.
"And he needs them,
'cause of his huge thighs."
Okay, somehow it sounded nicer
when she said it.
I loved her so much.
How come?
I mean, she was always honest.
- And a wild puma in bed.
- Okay, I'd like to go to sleep.
- Goodnight kiss? Okay.
- Get out.
Good night, my sweet prince!
Ugh…
What the hell?
Toni Fleischer?
Yeah?
Dalia Müller-Müller.
Müller-Müller?
Yeah, my mom wanted to keep her last name.
Um, I'm a Junior A&R manager
at Cutie Heart Records.
Cutie Heart Records
was Germany's second-biggest rap label
and discount heart transplant clinic,
founded and run by former heart surgeon
Doctor Dietmar Diggity Drews.
How'd you even find me here?
Toni! I'm in a helicopter!
I'm happy for you… bro.
- You always roll up in a chopper?
- When we want to impress rappers, we do.
It's working, I gotta say.
Toni, I wanna be honest with you,
and please don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not the youngest
or the best-looking
or the most charismatic
or the best-smelling person I've ever met.
Okay.
Far from it.
- Mm.
- However…
I saw something in your freestyle.
It's what I'm after.
Heart.
Heart?
Heart.
I'd like to show your rapping to my boss.
Got any songs I can play for him?
Toni had hundreds of song sketches,
half-decent song intros.
But self-doubt always crept in,
and he never managed
to finish a single one.
Um, nothing recent.
Shit.
In that case… hm.
Wait a second. Uh…
I can write some.
My attention span has been
completely ruined by streaming services.
I can only care about something
for maybe two weeks.
Two weeks is enough time. I can
write songs in two weeks, no problem.
Good. Just make sure one of them is a hit.
Actually, I don't
handle pressure super well.
Two weeks to go.
And the ticking clock won't stop ticking.
Tick-tock.
Okay.
Shit.
Toni was suddenly handed
the chance of a lifetime.
All he had to do was write a hit.
But he knew
he couldn't do that in Schitten.
With Johnny whining, Nancy barking orders,
and that Paulie guy,
whatever his deal was…
- Johnny!
- …he'd never have the peace and quiet
- he needed here.
- Johnny!
He had to get back to Berlin.
Johnny!
Yes?
You happen to know
where Mom's tow truck is?
It's still at the spot where she died.
And where are the keys?
Son, in a father's life,
there eventually comes a point--
Johnny, I don't have time
for your nonsense.
Okay.
I have to go to Berlin, and write!
Ugh. Shit.
Shit.
Shit!
Shit! Shit, shit, shit. Goddammit!
Uh, I… I didn't mean to.
Hey, I didn't know they were your parents.
Take it easy. One of you is to blame
for my mother's death.
So I guess we're even.
It was an accident. I'm sorry.
Don't look at me like that.
No, I can't take you with me.
I have to write songs, okay? I don't have
time f-for another being in my life.
I apologize.
So Toni set off to Berlin.
And he wasn't alone.
Tupac, don't be a drag,
or you're outta here.
He had to focus.
It's okay, you couldn't have known.
The moment he got out of Schitten,
the ideas started flowing.
He could already hear it… His hit.
Toni, Toni, Toni, Toni!
Check, check.
Uh
Okay.
Check.
Hey, what are you doing
in the middle of the road?
Uh, hello. Um, my name is Karsten
Maria Schrammel, people call me Charly.
I'm 13 years old.
My pronouns are he, him, his.
And I'm the Brandenburg
breath-holding record holder.
So?
I'm your son.
And my mom just left,
so I have to stay with you.
Papa.