Daddy Issues (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
from the start
Have you got a condom?
INTERCOM PINGS
My wallet's in my bag.
And it doesn't have
any condoms in it.
Oh, I think I might have one. OK.
Must've fallen out. Oh.
I mean, we could still
Erm
What about disease?
You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting
you've got anything.
No, it's just that
advert from the '80s.
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
Scared the life out of me
when I first saw it.
I think it's, "AIDS.
Don't die of ignorance."
I saw it on TikTok.
Pretty sure it's,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die
of ignorance."
Why would it be,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
Well
That's a terrible slogan.
Well, let's just agree to disagree,
shall we? OK.
PA: Could all passengers please
return to their seats,
as we begin our descent
into Manchester Airport.
Are we doing this then or what?
Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in
the sink to be sensible.
Yeah. OK.
Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma.
Hiya, Rita.
You're nearly an hour late, lady.
Yeah, I had to get
the bus from Cheadle.
What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.
Who were you doing in Cheadle?
I mean, I'm not judging.
I was the same at her age.
I'm the same at my age.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, you can take those off,
Stevie Wonder.
I don't want people thinking
I employ wankers.
I've got a reputation to think of.
Hmm?
His name's Liam. He's a painter.
Oh, did you take his business card?
I've been after someone to
give my boxroom a lick.
As in artist.
Bloody hell, has this got
vodka in it?
Hair of the dog.
So tell us about this new one, then.
I'm not going to see him again.
Wears the same deodorant as me dad.
Very off putting at
a pivotal moment.
How is your hunky dad?
Have you seen him, Winnie?
Oof!
Do you think he's ready for love
again?
Maybe with a sexually adventurous
salon owner?
I've told you, you're not his type.
I'm everybody's type, Gemma.
What's his new place like, then?
I don't know, I haven't
been round yet.
I know, he keeps asking.
I'll go later actually.
# I work all night
# I do my thing
# Just killin' time
# Need a friend
# Is this my life beginning or #
Dad, it's Gemma.
DOOR BUZZES
Gemma.
Hey, I'm so glad you've
finally got to see the place. Huh?
I know it's not Buckingham Palace,
but it'll do.
And it's all I can afford
..for now!
I shouldn't even be here.
I mean, I wasn't the one having
the affair, was I?
Have you seen your mother?
She's in Paris.
Oh, God, Paris!
I mean, what's Paris got
that this place hasn't, eh?
Art, culture,
a vibrant jazz scene.
It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?
She has gone for the cheese.
Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.
Sorry. No.
It's quite trendy these days
actually, to drink out of jam jars.
Oh, aye?
Is it trendy to have a wee
in them an all?
Don't worry.
I put an X on that one
so I don't get them mixed up.
Yeah, you don't really want to use
the facilities here
if you can help it.
SCREAMING: Oh, my God,
I want to die!
That's Derek.
Yeah.
He runs the gaff.
He was married for 12 years
and his wife won't let him
see the kids.
Oh, God, what is that?
Oh, sorry.
It's just erm
Yeah, that's just a, you know,
that's just a damp patch
where I've I've been crying.
If I can keep myself together
tonight, that'll dry out nicely.
BANGING ON DOOR
Malcolm?
Malcolm, open up, mate.
I've run out of chocolate spread
Derek.
..because some fucking DEAD MAN
at work stole mine.
Hey, Derek, come in.
Yeah, I've got some somewhere.
Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.
Hiya. Hey.
Hey, lovely to meet you.
Are you wearing Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker?
Yeah!
I got a bit heavy handed in Boots
earlier.
I sat in something. A pie I think.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.
At least I hope it was a pie.
I adore Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker.
Top three smells.
CHUCKLING
Hey, you, erm, this might seem
a little forward, but
..would you be interested
in dinner tomorrow night?
I know a great Italian.
Sorry, has sheshe got
a boyfriend? Or a husband?
Umm Dad, no, I don't.
Well, then. What do you say?
Do you know what,
I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.
What, at night! Mm.
The salon stays open late on
a Thursday
and it's my turn to lock up.
What about the next night, then?
Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?
No?
Yeah, well, fuck you!
Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.
What a whore.
Yeah.
Dad!
You know, this is why
I haven't come over sooner.
Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.
Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem?
HE SNIFFS
Hey, do you know if they're
showing the match in here?
Ouch.
Sorry, they're just a bit sore.
It's fine though.
We should get them out that bra.
Yeah.
My flatmate won't be back for ages.
That's sexy.
You're a naughty, naughty,
naughty girl.
What the hell?!
Oh, yeah, what the hell.
Ho-ho!
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
A lovely place you've got.
Yeah. I've been burgled!
But have they taken the bed? Hmm.
Yeah. Or if not, the floor
is just as good.
SHE RETCHES
SHE VOMITS
You all right?
Hon?
Honey?
Baby girl?
Gemma!
Gemma? Thanks.
I could Deliveroo us some oysters.
Someone's stolen all my things,
so unless your cock fires out
Argos vouchers
I'm not going anywhere near it
tonight.
Keely, did you lock up properly?
Cos we've been fucking burgled.
I'm calling the police,
but you need to get back here now.
I can see you.
I'll goshall I?
Yeah.
Meeting you tonight
..has changed my life.
DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma!
HE CHUCKLES
Don't ignore me.
I know where you live.
You're back very early.
Yeah.
I metDanny at The Red Rock
and we
Anyway, thank God I came back early.
We've been burgled.
Are you moving out?
I'm going to be a mummy!
Me and Sancho are having a baby.
What?
Sancho is an idiot who once stapled
himself to a park bench.
Hey!
Sancho has a lovely flat.
No, you're right, he does, actually.
Very nice carpets.
Yeah, well
We didn't plan on becoming
Mummy and Daddy so soon,
but when we found out
So, no doubts at all, then?
Yeah, a few.
Can we afford it?
Am I going to get fat?
What if I end up tearing my vaginger
from front to back
and my entire poop system
needs rebuilding?
That can happen? Can and does. Oof.
But in the end
VOICE FADES: ..I knew I wanted this.
Fuck.
Congratulations, Gemma.
Do you know
when your last period was?
Could have been a few weeks ago.
Or a couple ofmonths.
OK.
I was given a workshop on
how to do this tactfully,
but these appointments are only
eight minutes long so
Is the father around? No.
Do you know who the father is?
Erm Pass?
Do you want to continue
with this pregnancy, Gemma?
You should probably
give it some thought.
Having a baby - or not - isn't
something you should do on your own.
I've booked you in with the midwife.
Is there someone who can go along
with you? Mother? Sister? Friend?
Not really, no.
My mum's just ran off
with her and my dad's savings,
my sister's on remand
and my flatmate just moved out,
so my life's a mess right now.
Still
Every cloud?
God, do you not find it
a bit depressing?
Eh? No! No.
I'm quite enjoying
my independence actually.
I'm living my best life, Gemma.
Well, you know, the best life
anyone can live sharing a bog
with five other fellas.
THUMP
Oh!
Oh, bollocks.
That keeps happ Oh, shit
Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really
need to eat something.
Yeah, just hang on. Hang on.
Ah!
Ow!
SHE RETCHES
Can I have this doughnut?
Eh?
Yeah
I mean
I mean, I was saving it,
but, you know.
Oh, thanks, Gem.
It's just that
I just haven't had the chance to
get down the garage, you know.
Wait, you do your
food shop at the garage?
Yeah. Why not the supermarket?
Because your mother gave
back the family car
and real men don't use taxis.
Would you like a lift
one night after work?
Oh, would you, love? Yeah.
I'm starving. Yeah.
Here, look. Oh, you were
going to tell me something.
Doesn't matter. OK.
VIDEO CALL RINGS
Gemma, love! Hi, Mum.
Has your father died?
No! Why?
Well, last time I saw him
he looked as if
I wondered if he'd got something
they haven't found yet.
He looks like he'd have a lump
somewhere. Mum!
No, I'm not wishing this upon him,
he just looks ill.
Is everything else OK?
Is Catherine OK?
Still in prison.
But she hasn't been shanked
or anything, has she?
What is your obsession
with people being dead?
It's 3am, love.
If someone hasn't died, it's
a bit rude calling at this time.
Where are you? Montreal.
I thought you were in Paris.
Yeah, well, they speak French here,
too.
Should I go? Yes!
Well, it's just that
Stop looking so nervous, Gemma.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
Friends? Yeah.
I've, err, got her initials
tattooed on my thigh.
Wasn't strictly my choice but
..you know
So how is Dad?
He's a mess.
Well, Mum is ruthless.
Yeah.
She is.
See where you get it from.
Did Gary hurt you? What? No!
No, he really loves me.
So why did you pay someone to
push him off the fire escape?
I have three members of staff,
all of whom have
special educational needs.
No, they don't. You've met 'em.
They seem to have
special educational needs.
No-one else was going to employ 'em.
Look, cashing in on Gary's life
insurance was the easiest way
to keep the sandwich shop solvent.
It was a legitimate
business decision.
I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever
trying to have someone murdered.
Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't
really see what the problem is.
You honestly don't, do you?
No.
Anyway, I have some news
of my own actually.
Oh. Yeah.
I'm Oi. No standing.
No way! Right, nobody move!
ALARM RINGS
Fuck's sake, Gemma.
I wasn't, "rubbing a stash
of yummy heroin."
I'm having a baby.
Congratulations.
I'm still going to need to
see your arsehole, love.
Don't worry, a bum search is
nothing compared to giving birth.
In fact, this is good preparation
for all those midwives
looking up your foof.
A little bit of life learning
VOICE FADES: ..on me.
BABIES BABBLE
What can I get ya?
Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks.
That'll be 2.50.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck, I've lost my card.
Of course I have, cos it's me.
I expect my car'll get nicked
or my kidneys'll fail next.
Fuck. What can I get ya?
No, no, no.
I'll, err, I'll get hers.
Thanks.
No worries.
I hope the other stuff
doesn't happen.
I'm not sure I can stretch to a car.
Or a kidney.
HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY
Oh, great spread, Malc.
Yeah. Here you go.
So, erm, look, I just
I just I just wanted
to bring up the, erm
..the bathroom.
GAME ON PHONE
What the fuck is wrong with
the bathroom?
Er, nothing. No, I just thought
I thought we could maybe, erm
..you know, clean it?
I mean, not all the time,
obviously just, erm
Maybe just once?
That bathroom is a shrine to us
having broken free
of the shackles of women.
It's art, Malcolm. Yeah.
Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do.
It's just
It's just that, err, you know,
not everything goes into the bowl
all the time
and nobody cleans it up, you know.
Are you saying you don't
misfire sometimes?
Well, wee, yeah.
But you know "not wee"
I stood in some the other day,
I had to soak me foot in Dettol.
I can't expose it to
direct sunlight now.
HE SCOFFS
Poor pathetic Malcolm.
The foot vampire.
THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY
I'm not a foot vampire.
Foot vampire! Foot
Chant, Andy!
BOTH: Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
I'm not
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot
All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh?
Argh! Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Argh!
That's just fucking weird, Malcolm.
Sorry.
So that's the flat.
The room's available immediately.
And did Baris, the landlord, tell
you that bills aren't included?
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you mind if I
write my name on my food items?
See, I've been stung in the past.
Lost a lot of money
not writing my name on food.
Sure.
And I like to often wear gloves.
Because of viruses
..and other reasons.
So, Russell Yeah.
Do you recognise me?
Yeah, I did I did the voiceover
for Single Pringle Mingle.
The Welsh dating show.
With crisps?
No.
Sorry, I thought you were a
Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah.
Ooh-eh.
It's nice.
I like it.
Thanks. How come you're
looking for somewhere now,
if you don't mind me asking?
I just got out of prison.
Don't worry,
I didn't do anything terrible.
I was in the Baader-Meinhof.
No?
No-one remembers.
What a waste of a life.
If I were to uncover the secret
government paedophile ring,
you'd be cool with me using this
as a base for meetings?
Is there a lock
on your bedroom door?
What? No, I'm just
I'm just asking.
I'm just asking.
Yeah, I'm a feminist. So
Yeah.
Nice.
Nice curtains.
The rent's a bit high.
Baris sets the rent.
If I pleasure you once a week,
could you knock 20 quid off?
No?
£10?
Wow.
So, err, what happens
if you don't get a flatmate?
Well, then, I'll have to pay
all the rent myself,
which I can't afford.
Hey, Gemma.
This is like the longest you and I
have spent together for ages,
isn't it?
What, 43 minutes,
including the drive?
Yeah.
You never came out to tea with us.
We always asked.
I know. Sorry.
Just, they put garlic
in everything, don't they?
They? Well, they/them.
You know, the people who make
the food when you go out.
They put garlic in everything.
Hey.
I should get some jacket potatoes.
Your mum used to hate them.
Dad, how many do you want?
No. They're normal potatoes,
aren't they? I need jacket potatoes.
What do you think
jacket potatoes are?
Well, they're special potatoes,
aren't they?
They're like, err, they're
covered in, like, leather.
Well, not leather.
But, you know, something.
Covered in something
because they're called
..jacket, aren't they?
No.
They're just normal big potatoes
cooked in the oven and/or microwave.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Are you all right, love? No.
I'm not all right, Dad.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant
and I'm about to be homeless
and I don't know who the father is
and I don't have any women in
my life to support me
and I don't want my baby growing up
to be the kind of moron
who thinks jacket potatoes are
potatoes covered in leather!
I'm going to be a grandad!
Oh, Gem.
Come here. Come here.
Oh
Look, I know
I know your mum and your sister
aren't here, but you've got me.
Eh?
Come here.
It's all right.
I'm going to be a grandad.
These are happy tears!
They are not happy tears. Oh
Oh, Gem.
Hey, this is exciting, isn't it?
Are you excited?
Eh, us living together!
Thrilled.
Yeah, love.
I really want to support you,
you know,
at this important time in your life.
I got you something,
from the garage.
Look.
Woohoo.
It's not for you. You know,
it's for the
..erm, thing.
Hey, you might as well
leave that open, you know,
because Derek's coming
with me duvet.
Oh, thanks, mate.
You're welcome, king.
Heard you're up the stick.
Lucky escape.
Who for? You or me?
DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY
I'm trying really hard to enjoy
the company of women.
You look lovely.
Fancy a brew? Yeah.
Good. Eh? Get the kettle on.
MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
TV STOPS
RoboCop.
Best film ever made.
I've seen it 15, 20 times.
And yet you still stayed
and watched it again.
I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it.
Best film ever made. See!
And that bit where they turn the guy
into the toxic sludge monster!
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.
They never used to show
that bit on the telly. Yeah.
First time I watched RoboCop
on DVD I was like
GERMAN ACCENT: "Oh, ja!
"Oh, what the fuck is this?
Oh, ja, this is amazing!"
Right, Malcolm? Yeah, amazing.
STOMACH GURGLES
Oh, God.
Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge
Oh, God.
Don't worry, I'll go in after,
make sure everything's all right.
What if everything isn't all right,
Dad?
It will be.
Oh, hey. Might be a good idea
to get some Dettol.