Difficult People (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Excuse me, I have-- theater tickets, I'm seeing a matinee.
Oh, Jesus! That's gonna be a great photo.
Take a picture of a cab.
Why don't you watch where you're going? Miss Redhead, could you take our picture? Do you know where I catch the M34A? No, I'm not touching that camera.
I don't want swine flu.
I don't know.
Who takes the bus? Okay, but, please, can you tell us how can we get to 9/11? Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights? - Rashes.
- Gay rights? I've done plenty and took diminishing returns.
Which way is the farmers' market? What more do you fucking want from me? - Oh! - Idiot! My God, you're a grown man on a bike! Hi.
Are you ready for "Annie"? How dare you ask me something so redundant.
Just a second, I have to finish this tweet.
"'Til Blue Ivy is old enough to" - Send.
- That's very funny.
Thank you.
I love "Annie.
" Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero in this play even though in real life he let millions of Jews die? Hilarious.
I love that we has born during a time when handicapped people still had to wear blankets on their laps.
Have you heard from Josh? Nope, and it's been over a week and we are done.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.
I'm actually very upset.
- Josh was so hot.
- Yeah.
And not a moron.
Well, if he broke up with you, clearly he is a moron.
By the way, your Real Housewives recap today was hilarious.
- Oh, thank you.
- We were dying.
God, I'm so funny when I write mean things about TV shows.
How come no one's hired me to write for one? Because our lives are garbage and it's the world's fault? (groans) I hate this time of year.
My light spring jacket is soaked with both pollen and snow.
I wish I never had to go outside.
Well, that's why I've always been an indoors kid.
I used to spend every recess in the school library, even when it was beautiful outside.
That's adorable.
I have such fond memories about the water fountain in that library.
It had the most delicious water.
That is so weird because my school library had an incredible water fountain also.
You know what'd be smart? What if we went into-- Oh God.
What if we went into business selling bottled library water fountain water? Okay, this is gonna sound insane, but I met somebody who sells water in milk cartons as an alternative to bottled water.
It's like good for the environment.
Doesn't the water inside taste like milk? - I don't think so.
- Seems like it would.
(children giggling) God, I hate the sound of children laughing.
Oh shit! Annie is an understudy today and her name is Taylor.
This generation! I swear to God, if she blows this role I will strap down my tits and get up on that stage.
Excuse me, could you please watch your language? Oh my God, I am so so-- - Miss, miss.
- Yes? - I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
We can't do that at all.
Not gonna do that.
I'm sorry, I think you can.
- We're seeing "Annie.
" - I paid $120, I can say "shit" if I want to.
You-- hey! - Hey, hey.
- "Hey, hey.
" I would pay $120 for both of you to leave right now.
This is a public place, and you know what? We're not seeing the real Annie.
You're not seeing the real Annie today.
Do not talk to my children.
Do you know what an understudy is? You are terrifying my children.
- Terrifying? - You are terrifying.
I told them a fact of life.
You're a terrifying person.
Nobody wants to see an understudy.
- You don't know me.
- I do know you.
An understudy, it's like a fancy word for disappointment.
Hi, babies! Hi, angels.
Hi, Noodles.
Hello, Arthur.
- What are you slicing? - A quince.
It's like an apple combined with a pear.
Somebody at the office wrote a book about them.
Really? Somebody in public television wrote a book about something boring? Oh, you.
Here, I made you a plate.
Thank you, but you know how I feel about fruit that's not in proximity to crust or cream.
Oh.
Hey, you know Gabby's Oscar party this Sunday? I've been thinking about it and I think it'd be better if I stayed home and live-tweeted the Oscars in my pajamas instead.
Gabby's my boss, she's a big deal at PBS.
Come on, Cara seed.
I ask so little of you.
I know, that's why we work.
(phone buzzes) - Uh-oh.
- What? I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier and now the internet's being really mean to me.
"Unfollow, kill yourself.
" From SpinClassAddict91.
Oh my God, that's probably the year she was born.
What was the joke? "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R.
Kelly to piss on her.
" - Ah-ha.
- I hate this! I hate fighting with people.
I just like saying something crazy and then leaving the room.
Unless people like what I say and then I stay in the room.
I know, I've met you before.
I'm gonna delete this piss-baby tweet.
I want the fries but I think I should just get the salad instead.
I'll be good.
Hello? How can you think about food? Huffington Post just tweeted about what George and Amal Clooney would look like as Simpsons characters.
Come on.
No.
Hey Billy, you okay? I'm fine.
I mean, you know, I'm in my mid thirties, I am waiting tables-- poorly-- I spent the better part of last night Facebook stalking my ex, and according to NCI- whatever the fuck it is, even Linda Hunt is more castable than me, so I'm doing great, thanks so much.
Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew, for another morning full of wonderful memories.
Hey, where you guys been? Where have you been? I've been covering the whole place by myself.
We had to get outfits for our mother/son photo shoot.
Oh, sad, old Billy.
He only ever gets to go shopping for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers.
You know what, Matthew? Sometimes when I hear you speak, I think I should join the Westboro Baptist Church.
Ever since I was told that I couldn't have children - By yourself.
- because I hate them, I've only been sad about not having mother/son photos and matching outfits.
Oh, that's when I told diva here that we may not be blood, but we are family.
Oh, sing, bird, sing! You go, girl! Uh, uh, uh, uh, it is Denise.
No, baby, go easy on Billy today.
Josh just broke up with him.
That's the guy that's cute and sweet in a Paul Rudd-ish way.
- And that's rare.
- We all got problems, get your ass back to work.
And you, I got a gift for you.
- Oh yeah? - Mm-hm.
I'm sorry, does anybody work here? Oh yeah, I'll be back to help you and the rest of the Traveling Wilburys in a second.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi! Don't you look pretty when you smile? Aww! Honey, do you know this Lena Dunham? Yeah, actually, um Apparently she's doing great; she's younger than you.
She has tattoos.
Anyway, this article says it is a great time now for women in comedy.
That's very helpful.
Thanks, Mom.
So, aren't you gonna ask me if I finished my hypnosis course? Wow, that would have been a breakneck pace for a change of subjects if both subjects weren't you.
I finished my hypnosis course.
When can I practice on you? You're not hypnotizing me.
It's not like I tell you you're a chicken and then you act like a chicken.
That very well may be, but I still don't want you to do it.
You're lucky to have a mom who's a shrink.
Yes, I'm a walking gratitude list.
Yeah.
I asked for sparkling.
- How's Billy? - He's good.
You know, he is just getting over this guy is the only thing.
Josh.
I don't know if you met him.
- I can hypnotize him.
- Hm.
It's not like I tell him he's a chicken then all of a sudden he becomes a chicken or something.
Did you get that article I sent you about Palestine because I'm about to resend it.
There we are.
What else? What's more of a turn-off, veganism or Judaica? Oh, I don't know.
Judaica.
Yes! Yes.
If I was going out with a guy and there was a big clay mezuzah hanging outside his place, I'd be like, "Is a circumcised experience worth it?" Is that anti-Semitic of us or is that not possible because we're Jewish? - Oh, it's possible.
- Oh, that's right, 'cause you hate other gay guys.
No, I do not hate other gay people-- yes, I do.
I get very homophobic when I go to my gym.
These are delicious.
- Hi.
- Hello! Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you.
Remind me.
Uh, the UCB party last week.
- Right, yeah.
- The party.
- I'm Julie.
- Hi.
So, you two are in comedy.
Yes! Unfortunately, yes.
Nice, nice.
Do you like Daniel Tosh? (phones ringing) You know the water business, right? We admittedly don't know anything about that, but we have an amazing idea.
It occurred to Billy recently-- Well, it occurred to Julie.
Well, it occurred to both of us at the same time-- - It occurred to Julie.
- When this goes, we'll figure out the credit later.
We're not people who argue about credits.
It occurred to us that water from library water fountains is by far the coldest, most delicious water in the world.
So, why not bottle it? Well, we don't bottle here.
We're boxed water.
Have you seen our cartons? They're really cool, they're biodegradable.
Doesn't the water inside of those taste like milk? - No.
- Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit.
It seems like it would.
They're new containers, they're not made from recycled milk boxes.
Still seems like the water inside would taste a little milky.
Well, did you want me to sample your What's it called again? Library water fountain water.
We don't have any with us.
Okay.
Listen, this is a great idea.
Just tap into your memories of being a little kid at the library, surrounded by books.
Do you know what we're talking about? That library water fountain water, it's so crisp and cold and delicious from when you were a kid? Do you know what I mean? People don't even remember that they love that but if they just had it in a bottle-- I mean, this, no one wants to carry this-- if they just had it in a nice, you know, bottle, a plastic bottle, a glass bottle.
He doesn't seem like a book person.
No, you seem more like a kickball at recess type.
Maybe that's what it is.
He wasn't in the library, that's the problem.
- Oh! That's what it is.
- He doesn't get it.
Because he was the first guy picked for kickball.
Exactly.
We didn't-- We didn't ever get picked.
We're not athletic people.
We're not, you know-- We're not Chelsea Clinton.
- Yeah.
- You know? We're barely Chelsea Handler.
You must love her.
"Oh, oh, she's so bad.
" - "Oh, oh!" - "Oh, she's so naughty!" "No, no, she says what I think!" "I got drunk last night.
" - "I'm so drunk.
" - "Oh, my bachelorette party!" "I've been so drunk for the last five years, I haven't written a joke!" (laughing) Yeah, I don't know how I can help you two.
Put it in a bottle.
We don't bottle here.
Right, but you can, that's the whole thing.
You know water, right? Are those your kids? Yes.
That's Memphis and that's Maverick.
What? The girl's name is Memphis and the boy's name is Maverick.
What? The girl's name is Memphis and the boy's name is Maverick.
- We have to go.
- We have to go.
What are you recapping? Oh, "Vanderpump Rules.
" God, if these idiots were the characters in "Angels in America," nobody would have cared when any of them dropped dead.
Yeah, well, that's why Tony Kushner went in a different direction.
No, no, no, no, no.
You gotta get Julie up out of here, man.
No, Nate, I need Julie here today.
Josh just broke up with me and I need her here in case I have a feeling.
Yeah, I'm basically like his service rabbit.
Oh, you know what we should do? We should get me a vest that says, "Emotional support animal.
Do not touch or talk to.
Please feed.
" Oh my God, I have to stop following Deadline on Twitter.
- Why, what happened? - Do you remember that girl Stephanie Goldstein from our improv class? Oh, the one that never heard of Monty Python? Yeah.
She just signed with CAA.
Oh, shut up.
It was just announced.
When's it gonna be our turn? Everybody we came up with in comedy has either quit to start a family or gone on to great success in film and television.
I know, and I'm sitting here, checking Twitter for faves and retweets and just keep pressing and "Who faved me? Who faved me? Oh, Andy Richter faved me.
Oh, this is the best day ever.
" Like I'm fucking pressing for some pain medication in a hospital.
And I'm looking for reassurance, that I should have probably gotten from my mother, from internet commenters who say, "Great recap, Julie!" and, "Boy, that sure was good," even though deep down I know that I'll never be enough.
Excuse me? Um, I hate to interrupt, I can tell, clearly, you're going through a lot here, but, um, could I get this to go? I'm late for chemo.
Our photo shoot was on fleek.
You were flawless.
No, you were flawless.
Oh, we both were gorgeous.
(gasps dramatically) Billy, get rid of her.
I just bought a lottery ticket and I can't have some copper-topped curse hanging around.
Denise, you have a business degree from Holy Cross, please stop pretending that you're an unreasonable person.
Redheads are not bad luck.
Mm-hm.
Well, I know one person who's clearly jinxed.
Billy! Matthew, that's enough.
Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have a "Ones to Watch" section in their monthly newsletter that you could use as a press clipping.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
Um, when Denise and I were walking over here, we saw Josh.
He was holding hands with another guy and they were smiling really big.
Do you want to take a walk around the block? We can talk about Susan Sarandon.
Beats taking deep breaths.
Okay, ping-pong.
Why? Well, does she still have the ping-pong bar? As far as I know it's not a pizza place yet.
- She can do anything.
- Geena Davis.
Do you think they're friends? I think they email.
So why don't you tell me why you're here today, Billy.
I'd like to eat less pasta.
I thought there was a boy.
Yeah, there's a boy too.
His name is Josh, I'm trying to get over, but honestly, if you could just hypnotize me to stop eating pasta all the goddamn time, I'd be thrilled.
Oh, I'm not eating sugar right now.
It takes a lot of resolve.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Anyway, we could talk all day, but why don't you lie down and we'll get you hypnotized.
Okay.
Okay, get yourself settled, good.
Now, what I want you to do now, Billy, is close your eyes and take some deep breaths.
How's this thing work? Wait a minute, we gotta turn it on.
What? Okay, now I'm watching a video.
Do you need me to do something or? Oh, there it goes.
Okay.
(ocean sound effects) Now, what I want you to do is picture a staircase.
You're at the bottom of the staircase now and when you reach the top, you'll be hypnotized.
I have a very breathy voice and I'm very good at this, so just let go.
This is your time.
This is all about you.
Think about the shoes you're wearing.
How do they feel? I usually wear Aerosoles.
I also like Merrells.
Zappos.
com is terrific.
Are you still hypnotizing me? Yes.
Take another deep breath.
Ah, you're on the fourth step now.
Your hands and your legs are heavy.
Congratulations, you are hypnotized.
Okay.
Billy, seriously, you have got to knock it off with the pasta.
All right.
Okay, and what's this guy's name? - Josh.
- From now on, you're not gonna think about him anymore.
Got it.
Okay, good.
Now, I'd like to take the time to bonus hypnotize you to call a car service if you ever find yourself in a deserted neighborhood.
I do not like to think of you and Julie wandering around Brooklyn or wherever at night.
- Okay.
- I mean, can you imagine being in a strange neighborhood and having to find a restaurant so you could ask them if you could use their bathroom? And then you'd have to order, I don't know, plantains or something, before they'd let you.
And what if you didn't have your cell phone? Why wouldn't I have my cell phone? Because teenagers steal them.
This is a trend, I read about it in the Wall Street Journal.
- You did? - Yeah, they've got local stories too, and great articles on TV.
Apparently, it's a big time for women in comedy.
Yeah, no, I love women in comedy.
Billy? Does Julie have a shot? I think so.
I think she's funny, but none of my friends do.
- Hi! - Gabby! Don't those shoes look comfortable.
Thank you.
Come on in.
Guys, this is Julie and Arthur.
Do you guys like seaweed or coconut water? We're not serving either, we were just talking about food right before you got here.
Everybody, please look down, I lost my earring.
It's made entirely of hemp.
I'm at a terrible party.
Hi, I'm Billy, Julie invited me to your home.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Billy.
- Oh, thank God.
- Hi, so Mira Sorvino-- So, I was just telling Gabby how you and Billy might be on your phones all night, tweeting the Oscars so she shouldn't get offended.
I don't get Twitter.
Why would I want to let everyone know what I had for lunch today? But wait, can you delete a tweet or a twit or whatever if you want to? Yeah, um, just the other day I tweeted something about Blue Ivy that I took down.
Blue Ivy, she is so cute.
Oh, uh, Julie, this is Kathy.
Hi.
Don't I know you? I don't think so, but I think we have the same iPhone case.
Do you like Taylor Swift? Oh God, no, no.
This is ironic.
I actually bought it with Diet Coke coupons after my last phone fell into a touch tank at the Coney Island Aquarium.
Long story.
So, uh, what did you say about Blue Ivy? I swear I feel like we've met.
I said something like, um, "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough" Gosh, she's already so big, right? Somebody mute the commercials! "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R.
Kelly to piss on her.
" Because you know R.
Kelly likes pissing on children.
Who are older than infants, allegedly, but, you know, not by much.
I mean, he's basically a sex offender.
And depending on, you know, whether the charges are true, allegedly a pedophile.
Allegedly.
Mm.
Yeah, I remember who you are now.
You sat behind me at "Annie" with your gay friend.
There was a small earthquake in LA, but don't worry, Emmy Rossum is fine.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, yeah, I remember the both of you.
Oh, hi! Hi! You're both disgusting people.
And you, you think it's funny to make jokes about urinating on children? Obviously I don't because I took down the tweet.
You only took it down because you got in trouble.
Of course I did.
If people loved it, I would have left it up.
Noodles, come on, the show's back on.
Let's watch TV and, uh, pretend what just happened didn't happen.
You know, we may be missing a crucial red carpet moment with Giuliana Rancic.
What if she interacts with Maria Menounos? - Could you imagine? - I'd kill myself.
Well, the two of their matchstick bodies would probably create a giant fire, you could just throw yourself right into it.
You know, that's how Gene Siskel died.
Julie, Billy, please, this is a work party, I need you two to be more polite to non-each other people.
Okay, just for tonight.
I'm so sorry, Arthur.
We will keep a low profile.
Billy! We brought hummus and MDMA! I'm so sorry, I invited some people over without your permission.
Hi, come in, come in, come in.
Hey guys! Oh no.
Kevin, do you know her? Yes, we met the other day.
She came in to pitch me library water.
Would you keep your voice down? No one's gonna steal that idea.
Wait, why are you two holding hands? We're married, idiot.
Remember, I showed you a photo of our kids.
Mentos and Marlboro! - Memphis and Maverick! - How are they? Billy, we invited some more people over! Hi, I'm Josh.
Hi.
Hey Josh.
Hey! How are you? I'm-I'm great.
- Good, good.
- Can I take your coat? Yeah, sure.
Sorry, I never know what to wear in this weather.
Yeah, I know, it's like it's cold and it's hot and it's cold and it's hot and I put on my light spring jacket and it ends up getting soaked with pollen and snow and - Is that a yarmulke? - Yeah.
You know, I started going to shul more.
No, no.
Goodbye.
Where are we even? It's been forever.
I really have to pee.
Train's only a block away, or it should be.
So you're telling me you're completely over Josh, just now? Yup.
I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
And you don't think that has anything to do with my mom hypnotizing you? No.
You saw him.
He's the type of Jewish guy that wears a yarmulke all the time.
What about pasta? Oh, I'd stick my dick in a bowl of pasta right now.
Okay, this is where the train's supposed to be.
Ghost train.
Look, we are never going to find this subway, so can we please just get a car? I'll get an Uber.
Oh no.
Look.
This isn't my phone.
That garbage person Kathy must have taken mine.
Arthur, could you call a car? I really have to go to the bathroom.
Well, I'm sure she'll give yours back when she realizes.
She's not a total monster.
It says the driver's 18 minutes away.
Oh, I can't hold it for that long.
Julie, you are not going to piss yourself on this street.
Now it says he's 23 minutes away.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll read you some Oscar tweets to distract you.
Ready? Listen.
Here's one from Gabe.
He said, "This is a big comeback for Natalie Portman, who was unemployed for almost 9 years before turning 9.
" - That's funny.
- Driver unavailable.
I'll read you some more.
Here's one from Wait, here's one from you.
What? From like a half hour ago.
How is that possible? Holy shit.
"I'm a jerk who hates kids with cool names and thinks it's funny when children get pissed on, when in fact, I deserve to get pissed on.
" (urinating) Touché, Kathy.
Touché.
Oh, Jesus! That's gonna be a great photo.
Take a picture of a cab.
Why don't you watch where you're going? Miss Redhead, could you take our picture? Do you know where I catch the M34A? No, I'm not touching that camera.
I don't want swine flu.
I don't know.
Who takes the bus? Okay, but, please, can you tell us how can we get to 9/11? Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights? - Rashes.
- Gay rights? I've done plenty and took diminishing returns.
Which way is the farmers' market? What more do you fucking want from me? - Oh! - Idiot! My God, you're a grown man on a bike! Hi.
Are you ready for "Annie"? How dare you ask me something so redundant.
Just a second, I have to finish this tweet.
"'Til Blue Ivy is old enough to" - Send.
- That's very funny.
Thank you.
I love "Annie.
" Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero in this play even though in real life he let millions of Jews die? Hilarious.
I love that we has born during a time when handicapped people still had to wear blankets on their laps.
Have you heard from Josh? Nope, and it's been over a week and we are done.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.
I'm actually very upset.
- Josh was so hot.
- Yeah.
And not a moron.
Well, if he broke up with you, clearly he is a moron.
By the way, your Real Housewives recap today was hilarious.
- Oh, thank you.
- We were dying.
God, I'm so funny when I write mean things about TV shows.
How come no one's hired me to write for one? Because our lives are garbage and it's the world's fault? (groans) I hate this time of year.
My light spring jacket is soaked with both pollen and snow.
I wish I never had to go outside.
Well, that's why I've always been an indoors kid.
I used to spend every recess in the school library, even when it was beautiful outside.
That's adorable.
I have such fond memories about the water fountain in that library.
It had the most delicious water.
That is so weird because my school library had an incredible water fountain also.
You know what'd be smart? What if we went into-- Oh God.
What if we went into business selling bottled library water fountain water? Okay, this is gonna sound insane, but I met somebody who sells water in milk cartons as an alternative to bottled water.
It's like good for the environment.
Doesn't the water inside taste like milk? - I don't think so.
- Seems like it would.
(children giggling) God, I hate the sound of children laughing.
Oh shit! Annie is an understudy today and her name is Taylor.
This generation! I swear to God, if she blows this role I will strap down my tits and get up on that stage.
Excuse me, could you please watch your language? Oh my God, I am so so-- - Miss, miss.
- Yes? - I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
We can't do that at all.
Not gonna do that.
I'm sorry, I think you can.
- We're seeing "Annie.
" - I paid $120, I can say "shit" if I want to.
You-- hey! - Hey, hey.
- "Hey, hey.
" I would pay $120 for both of you to leave right now.
This is a public place, and you know what? We're not seeing the real Annie.
You're not seeing the real Annie today.
Do not talk to my children.
Do you know what an understudy is? You are terrifying my children.
- Terrifying? - You are terrifying.
I told them a fact of life.
You're a terrifying person.
Nobody wants to see an understudy.
- You don't know me.
- I do know you.
An understudy, it's like a fancy word for disappointment.
Hi, babies! Hi, angels.
Hi, Noodles.
Hello, Arthur.
- What are you slicing? - A quince.
It's like an apple combined with a pear.
Somebody at the office wrote a book about them.
Really? Somebody in public television wrote a book about something boring? Oh, you.
Here, I made you a plate.
Thank you, but you know how I feel about fruit that's not in proximity to crust or cream.
Oh.
Hey, you know Gabby's Oscar party this Sunday? I've been thinking about it and I think it'd be better if I stayed home and live-tweeted the Oscars in my pajamas instead.
Gabby's my boss, she's a big deal at PBS.
Come on, Cara seed.
I ask so little of you.
I know, that's why we work.
(phone buzzes) - Uh-oh.
- What? I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier and now the internet's being really mean to me.
"Unfollow, kill yourself.
" From SpinClassAddict91.
Oh my God, that's probably the year she was born.
What was the joke? "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R.
Kelly to piss on her.
" - Ah-ha.
- I hate this! I hate fighting with people.
I just like saying something crazy and then leaving the room.
Unless people like what I say and then I stay in the room.
I know, I've met you before.
I'm gonna delete this piss-baby tweet.
I want the fries but I think I should just get the salad instead.
I'll be good.
Hello? How can you think about food? Huffington Post just tweeted about what George and Amal Clooney would look like as Simpsons characters.
Come on.
No.
Hey Billy, you okay? I'm fine.
I mean, you know, I'm in my mid thirties, I am waiting tables-- poorly-- I spent the better part of last night Facebook stalking my ex, and according to NCI- whatever the fuck it is, even Linda Hunt is more castable than me, so I'm doing great, thanks so much.
Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew, for another morning full of wonderful memories.
Hey, where you guys been? Where have you been? I've been covering the whole place by myself.
We had to get outfits for our mother/son photo shoot.
Oh, sad, old Billy.
He only ever gets to go shopping for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers.
You know what, Matthew? Sometimes when I hear you speak, I think I should join the Westboro Baptist Church.
Ever since I was told that I couldn't have children - By yourself.
- because I hate them, I've only been sad about not having mother/son photos and matching outfits.
Oh, that's when I told diva here that we may not be blood, but we are family.
Oh, sing, bird, sing! You go, girl! Uh, uh, uh, uh, it is Denise.
No, baby, go easy on Billy today.
Josh just broke up with him.
That's the guy that's cute and sweet in a Paul Rudd-ish way.
- And that's rare.
- We all got problems, get your ass back to work.
And you, I got a gift for you.
- Oh yeah? - Mm-hm.
I'm sorry, does anybody work here? Oh yeah, I'll be back to help you and the rest of the Traveling Wilburys in a second.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi! Don't you look pretty when you smile? Aww! Honey, do you know this Lena Dunham? Yeah, actually, um Apparently she's doing great; she's younger than you.
She has tattoos.
Anyway, this article says it is a great time now for women in comedy.
That's very helpful.
Thanks, Mom.
So, aren't you gonna ask me if I finished my hypnosis course? Wow, that would have been a breakneck pace for a change of subjects if both subjects weren't you.
I finished my hypnosis course.
When can I practice on you? You're not hypnotizing me.
It's not like I tell you you're a chicken and then you act like a chicken.
That very well may be, but I still don't want you to do it.
You're lucky to have a mom who's a shrink.
Yes, I'm a walking gratitude list.
Yeah.
I asked for sparkling.
- How's Billy? - He's good.
You know, he is just getting over this guy is the only thing.
Josh.
I don't know if you met him.
- I can hypnotize him.
- Hm.
It's not like I tell him he's a chicken then all of a sudden he becomes a chicken or something.
Did you get that article I sent you about Palestine because I'm about to resend it.
There we are.
What else? What's more of a turn-off, veganism or Judaica? Oh, I don't know.
Judaica.
Yes! Yes.
If I was going out with a guy and there was a big clay mezuzah hanging outside his place, I'd be like, "Is a circumcised experience worth it?" Is that anti-Semitic of us or is that not possible because we're Jewish? - Oh, it's possible.
- Oh, that's right, 'cause you hate other gay guys.
No, I do not hate other gay people-- yes, I do.
I get very homophobic when I go to my gym.
These are delicious.
- Hi.
- Hello! Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you.
Remind me.
Uh, the UCB party last week.
- Right, yeah.
- The party.
- I'm Julie.
- Hi.
So, you two are in comedy.
Yes! Unfortunately, yes.
Nice, nice.
Do you like Daniel Tosh? (phones ringing) You know the water business, right? We admittedly don't know anything about that, but we have an amazing idea.
It occurred to Billy recently-- Well, it occurred to Julie.
Well, it occurred to both of us at the same time-- - It occurred to Julie.
- When this goes, we'll figure out the credit later.
We're not people who argue about credits.
It occurred to us that water from library water fountains is by far the coldest, most delicious water in the world.
So, why not bottle it? Well, we don't bottle here.
We're boxed water.
Have you seen our cartons? They're really cool, they're biodegradable.
Doesn't the water inside of those taste like milk? - No.
- Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit.
It seems like it would.
They're new containers, they're not made from recycled milk boxes.
Still seems like the water inside would taste a little milky.
Well, did you want me to sample your What's it called again? Library water fountain water.
We don't have any with us.
Okay.
Listen, this is a great idea.
Just tap into your memories of being a little kid at the library, surrounded by books.
Do you know what we're talking about? That library water fountain water, it's so crisp and cold and delicious from when you were a kid? Do you know what I mean? People don't even remember that they love that but if they just had it in a bottle-- I mean, this, no one wants to carry this-- if they just had it in a nice, you know, bottle, a plastic bottle, a glass bottle.
He doesn't seem like a book person.
No, you seem more like a kickball at recess type.
Maybe that's what it is.
He wasn't in the library, that's the problem.
- Oh! That's what it is.
- He doesn't get it.
Because he was the first guy picked for kickball.
Exactly.
We didn't-- We didn't ever get picked.
We're not athletic people.
We're not, you know-- We're not Chelsea Clinton.
- Yeah.
- You know? We're barely Chelsea Handler.
You must love her.
"Oh, oh, she's so bad.
" - "Oh, oh!" - "Oh, she's so naughty!" "No, no, she says what I think!" "I got drunk last night.
" - "I'm so drunk.
" - "Oh, my bachelorette party!" "I've been so drunk for the last five years, I haven't written a joke!" (laughing) Yeah, I don't know how I can help you two.
Put it in a bottle.
We don't bottle here.
Right, but you can, that's the whole thing.
You know water, right? Are those your kids? Yes.
That's Memphis and that's Maverick.
What? The girl's name is Memphis and the boy's name is Maverick.
What? The girl's name is Memphis and the boy's name is Maverick.
- We have to go.
- We have to go.
What are you recapping? Oh, "Vanderpump Rules.
" God, if these idiots were the characters in "Angels in America," nobody would have cared when any of them dropped dead.
Yeah, well, that's why Tony Kushner went in a different direction.
No, no, no, no, no.
You gotta get Julie up out of here, man.
No, Nate, I need Julie here today.
Josh just broke up with me and I need her here in case I have a feeling.
Yeah, I'm basically like his service rabbit.
Oh, you know what we should do? We should get me a vest that says, "Emotional support animal.
Do not touch or talk to.
Please feed.
" Oh my God, I have to stop following Deadline on Twitter.
- Why, what happened? - Do you remember that girl Stephanie Goldstein from our improv class? Oh, the one that never heard of Monty Python? Yeah.
She just signed with CAA.
Oh, shut up.
It was just announced.
When's it gonna be our turn? Everybody we came up with in comedy has either quit to start a family or gone on to great success in film and television.
I know, and I'm sitting here, checking Twitter for faves and retweets and just keep pressing and "Who faved me? Who faved me? Oh, Andy Richter faved me.
Oh, this is the best day ever.
" Like I'm fucking pressing for some pain medication in a hospital.
And I'm looking for reassurance, that I should have probably gotten from my mother, from internet commenters who say, "Great recap, Julie!" and, "Boy, that sure was good," even though deep down I know that I'll never be enough.
Excuse me? Um, I hate to interrupt, I can tell, clearly, you're going through a lot here, but, um, could I get this to go? I'm late for chemo.
Our photo shoot was on fleek.
You were flawless.
No, you were flawless.
Oh, we both were gorgeous.
(gasps dramatically) Billy, get rid of her.
I just bought a lottery ticket and I can't have some copper-topped curse hanging around.
Denise, you have a business degree from Holy Cross, please stop pretending that you're an unreasonable person.
Redheads are not bad luck.
Mm-hm.
Well, I know one person who's clearly jinxed.
Billy! Matthew, that's enough.
Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have a "Ones to Watch" section in their monthly newsletter that you could use as a press clipping.
Oh, I forgot to mention.
Um, when Denise and I were walking over here, we saw Josh.
He was holding hands with another guy and they were smiling really big.
Do you want to take a walk around the block? We can talk about Susan Sarandon.
Beats taking deep breaths.
Okay, ping-pong.
Why? Well, does she still have the ping-pong bar? As far as I know it's not a pizza place yet.
- She can do anything.
- Geena Davis.
Do you think they're friends? I think they email.
So why don't you tell me why you're here today, Billy.
I'd like to eat less pasta.
I thought there was a boy.
Yeah, there's a boy too.
His name is Josh, I'm trying to get over, but honestly, if you could just hypnotize me to stop eating pasta all the goddamn time, I'd be thrilled.
Oh, I'm not eating sugar right now.
It takes a lot of resolve.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Anyway, we could talk all day, but why don't you lie down and we'll get you hypnotized.
Okay.
Okay, get yourself settled, good.
Now, what I want you to do now, Billy, is close your eyes and take some deep breaths.
How's this thing work? Wait a minute, we gotta turn it on.
What? Okay, now I'm watching a video.
Do you need me to do something or? Oh, there it goes.
Okay.
(ocean sound effects) Now, what I want you to do is picture a staircase.
You're at the bottom of the staircase now and when you reach the top, you'll be hypnotized.
I have a very breathy voice and I'm very good at this, so just let go.
This is your time.
This is all about you.
Think about the shoes you're wearing.
How do they feel? I usually wear Aerosoles.
I also like Merrells.
Zappos.
com is terrific.
Are you still hypnotizing me? Yes.
Take another deep breath.
Ah, you're on the fourth step now.
Your hands and your legs are heavy.
Congratulations, you are hypnotized.
Okay.
Billy, seriously, you have got to knock it off with the pasta.
All right.
Okay, and what's this guy's name? - Josh.
- From now on, you're not gonna think about him anymore.
Got it.
Okay, good.
Now, I'd like to take the time to bonus hypnotize you to call a car service if you ever find yourself in a deserted neighborhood.
I do not like to think of you and Julie wandering around Brooklyn or wherever at night.
- Okay.
- I mean, can you imagine being in a strange neighborhood and having to find a restaurant so you could ask them if you could use their bathroom? And then you'd have to order, I don't know, plantains or something, before they'd let you.
And what if you didn't have your cell phone? Why wouldn't I have my cell phone? Because teenagers steal them.
This is a trend, I read about it in the Wall Street Journal.
- You did? - Yeah, they've got local stories too, and great articles on TV.
Apparently, it's a big time for women in comedy.
Yeah, no, I love women in comedy.
Billy? Does Julie have a shot? I think so.
I think she's funny, but none of my friends do.
- Hi! - Gabby! Don't those shoes look comfortable.
Thank you.
Come on in.
Guys, this is Julie and Arthur.
Do you guys like seaweed or coconut water? We're not serving either, we were just talking about food right before you got here.
Everybody, please look down, I lost my earring.
It's made entirely of hemp.
I'm at a terrible party.
Hi, I'm Billy, Julie invited me to your home.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Billy.
- Oh, thank God.
- Hi, so Mira Sorvino-- So, I was just telling Gabby how you and Billy might be on your phones all night, tweeting the Oscars so she shouldn't get offended.
I don't get Twitter.
Why would I want to let everyone know what I had for lunch today? But wait, can you delete a tweet or a twit or whatever if you want to? Yeah, um, just the other day I tweeted something about Blue Ivy that I took down.
Blue Ivy, she is so cute.
Oh, uh, Julie, this is Kathy.
Hi.
Don't I know you? I don't think so, but I think we have the same iPhone case.
Do you like Taylor Swift? Oh God, no, no.
This is ironic.
I actually bought it with Diet Coke coupons after my last phone fell into a touch tank at the Coney Island Aquarium.
Long story.
So, uh, what did you say about Blue Ivy? I swear I feel like we've met.
I said something like, um, "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough" Gosh, she's already so big, right? Somebody mute the commercials! "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R.
Kelly to piss on her.
" Because you know R.
Kelly likes pissing on children.
Who are older than infants, allegedly, but, you know, not by much.
I mean, he's basically a sex offender.
And depending on, you know, whether the charges are true, allegedly a pedophile.
Allegedly.
Mm.
Yeah, I remember who you are now.
You sat behind me at "Annie" with your gay friend.
There was a small earthquake in LA, but don't worry, Emmy Rossum is fine.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, yeah, I remember the both of you.
Oh, hi! Hi! You're both disgusting people.
And you, you think it's funny to make jokes about urinating on children? Obviously I don't because I took down the tweet.
You only took it down because you got in trouble.
Of course I did.
If people loved it, I would have left it up.
Noodles, come on, the show's back on.
Let's watch TV and, uh, pretend what just happened didn't happen.
You know, we may be missing a crucial red carpet moment with Giuliana Rancic.
What if she interacts with Maria Menounos? - Could you imagine? - I'd kill myself.
Well, the two of their matchstick bodies would probably create a giant fire, you could just throw yourself right into it.
You know, that's how Gene Siskel died.
Julie, Billy, please, this is a work party, I need you two to be more polite to non-each other people.
Okay, just for tonight.
I'm so sorry, Arthur.
We will keep a low profile.
Billy! We brought hummus and MDMA! I'm so sorry, I invited some people over without your permission.
Hi, come in, come in, come in.
Hey guys! Oh no.
Kevin, do you know her? Yes, we met the other day.
She came in to pitch me library water.
Would you keep your voice down? No one's gonna steal that idea.
Wait, why are you two holding hands? We're married, idiot.
Remember, I showed you a photo of our kids.
Mentos and Marlboro! - Memphis and Maverick! - How are they? Billy, we invited some more people over! Hi, I'm Josh.
Hi.
Hey Josh.
Hey! How are you? I'm-I'm great.
- Good, good.
- Can I take your coat? Yeah, sure.
Sorry, I never know what to wear in this weather.
Yeah, I know, it's like it's cold and it's hot and it's cold and it's hot and I put on my light spring jacket and it ends up getting soaked with pollen and snow and - Is that a yarmulke? - Yeah.
You know, I started going to shul more.
No, no.
Goodbye.
Where are we even? It's been forever.
I really have to pee.
Train's only a block away, or it should be.
So you're telling me you're completely over Josh, just now? Yup.
I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
And you don't think that has anything to do with my mom hypnotizing you? No.
You saw him.
He's the type of Jewish guy that wears a yarmulke all the time.
What about pasta? Oh, I'd stick my dick in a bowl of pasta right now.
Okay, this is where the train's supposed to be.
Ghost train.
Look, we are never going to find this subway, so can we please just get a car? I'll get an Uber.
Oh no.
Look.
This isn't my phone.
That garbage person Kathy must have taken mine.
Arthur, could you call a car? I really have to go to the bathroom.
Well, I'm sure she'll give yours back when she realizes.
She's not a total monster.
It says the driver's 18 minutes away.
Oh, I can't hold it for that long.
Julie, you are not going to piss yourself on this street.
Now it says he's 23 minutes away.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll read you some Oscar tweets to distract you.
Ready? Listen.
Here's one from Gabe.
He said, "This is a big comeback for Natalie Portman, who was unemployed for almost 9 years before turning 9.
" - That's funny.
- Driver unavailable.
I'll read you some more.
Here's one from Wait, here's one from you.
What? From like a half hour ago.
How is that possible? Holy shit.
"I'm a jerk who hates kids with cool names and thinks it's funny when children get pissed on, when in fact, I deserve to get pissed on.
" (urinating) Touché, Kathy.
Touché.