DMV (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
If you're one of
America's 239 million drivers,
you've spent some
time at the DMV
a placed not always celebrated
for its efficiency,
organization and customer care.
But you know what? For
those of us who work here,
it's-it's a pretty great job
most of the time.
Uh, take a right at the light.
Mother used to boss me around.
What was that?
Mm-kay.
On second thought, let's head
away from these dark alleys
and see if you can handle a
freeway full of witnesses.
Traffic. Full of traffic.
That's what I meant.
It's part of the test.
Go on.
More.
More. That's good.
Now roll down your
window and read this.
"Two double combos,
two large fries
and two chocolate shakes"?
Oh, feel free to add something
for yourself, big guy.
That'll be $36.55.
Do you take Apple Pay?
Ooh. Using cell
phone while driving.
That's not good.
Uh, park right here,
and use the side mirror,
because in the rearview,
all you'll see is everything
you've ever owned.
Oh!
Hi, there, mister.
Oh.
Well, I'll be tasting
that for a while.
Yeah, right behind the minivan.
Highest score of the week.
I am gonna tell my
boyfriend about it.
He's a cop.
We live together. Big guy.
Bye. Have a good one.
Move it, please. Move.
Come on. Come on.
Hey.
Oh.
I thought you were waving at me.
-Oh, nah. Nah.
-Doesn't matter.
Oh, my God.
He wasn't looking
at me.
-Fry?
-No. Thank you.
-What are you laughing at?
-Nothing.
Slow day.
Ready to save the world?
What smells like cat pee?
That's me. It's ferret.
Oh, figures.
All right, arm in arm.
Let's go together.
We move as one.
-Nope.
-Nah.
Cool.
Oh. Hey, guys.
See this placard?
It's been in my desk for
I don't know eight years.
But today, I get
to pull her out.
Like Excalibur from the stone.
Right? King Arthur?
Pulled out the sword?
If it's not a Vin Diesel
movie, I don't know it.
-Congratulations on the promotion, Barbara.
-Thanks, guys.
-You're a great team.
-Yeah, you deserve it. Seriously.
-Yeah, you're awesome.
-It should've been me.
Honestly, I work
harder, and I'm smarter.
Agree to disagree there,
Ceci. Okay, everybody,
look alive. Consultants
are coming today.
What consultants?
The ones the governor
hired to cut costs.
We got, like, four
emails about it.
-Oh, I don't check those.
-You don't check your emails?
Not my work ones.
How can they
cut any more costs?
I mean, this place is
already falling apart.
If they take
away the free coffee,
I'm out of here.
-I'm lying. I'm not going anywhere.
-I know.
-God.
-Come on. We're examiners.
We shouldn't be hanging
with the paper pushers
in the main pen this long.
Ah, paper pushers.
Excuse me? You know what, Vic?
I am a photographer
and a laminator.
-B54?
-Yes.
-Good morning. How can I help you?
-What is that?
What are you doing? Like, a pirate accent?
I grew up in New Zealand,
but my parents
I don't need your
whole life story.
Um, so the wife and I are
traveling this summer,
and she said I need
that REAL ID thing.
Yes, absolutely. I can
help you with that.
-Great.
-Ah, shoot.
-This is expired.
-What?
Do you have anything else?
A birth certificate, maybe?
Oh, yeah, I always
just walk around
with my birth certificate.
I have my baby
teeth in my pocket.
-Right.
-All right.
I think I, uh, know
what language you speak.
How about I throw a little
shrimp on the barbie for ya?
Oh, my God, wow. That
is five dollars, sir.
As tempting as that is,
I can't accept an
expired document.
You can, but you
won't. You know why?
Because it's a felony to
bribe a state employee.
Nah. 'Cause a guy like you loves
to stick it to a guy like me.
And I bet it just makes
your day, doesn't it?
Oh, it does, sir.
My gratitude journal is filled
with moments like these.
-I'll be back.
-Next.
-Hi. You're here.
-Give it to her.
Hi. You must be our friends
from the consulting firm.
I'm Barbara Berry, manager.
Uh, Dan Wilson,
Kshitija Balakrishnan.
Dan.
Sh Ma'am.
I don't know how
anyone can live in L.A.
Oh, I love it.
We, uh, drove by
the Paramount lot on the
way in from the airport.
It was not on our way,
nor was Kevin Costner's
Walk of Fame star.
There's, uh, Kevin and I.
-Ooh.
-Why don't you show us around,
and then we can
start the interviews?
As you can imagine, my team
oh, I love the sound of that
my team, they hear
"cost-cutting,"
and I just want to assure them
there won't be any
major upheavals.
If you're one of the
surviving branches,
-very little will change.
-Great. That's
What did you just say?
"Surviving branches"?
Of the
four Hollywood DMVs,
one is going to become
fully automated.
And by "fully," you mean?
No
human employees.
So everyone's gonna be fired?
No. That is not
what we are saying.
-Then what are you saying?
-Impact will be felt.
-In what way?
-Unemployment.
I think what my
boss is saying is,
we would like to start
in written tests.
Absolutely. Uh,
it's
-Right that way. I'll be right behind you.
-Thank you.
Barb, you are Captain Sully,
and you just met
your flock of geese.
Land the damn plane.
Not it.
Mm. It's-it's your turn, Vic.
-Can't just ignore the rotation.
-Thank you.
The rotation ignores our
individual strengths, Gregg.
I keep the White
Entitleds in check.
Plus any teens with hot moms.
You're good with
the wack-a-doos.
And she calms the
nervous and the old.
That's the system.
Drop-off. And you've
got one on deck.
-Really? Thank you. -Yeah, thank you, Doctor.
-We're hoping she dies.
Okay.
New guy. Hmm.
-Hmm?
-You're gonna make a move on that,
or just eye-bang him for
the rest of your life?
I didn't eye-bang him. What?
So it's just a coinkydink that
since he started working here,
you started wearing makeup,
stopped eating tuna,
and only wear clothes
that show off your ass.
Thank you.
And you're not allowed to
say things like that anymore.
You staged the house.
Don't blame me for
checking out the Zillow.
Plus, we got a $100 bet going on
whether or not
it'll ever happen.
My money's on "no way in
hell," because I know you,
and you'll never put
yourself out there.
Don't bet on
You think I got a shot with him?
I think you can do anything
that you put your mind to.
Really?
Also, it was the only
option available.
-So
-But if you're not interested,
then I guess it won't bother
you that Hot Kristen's been
all over him like marker
on one of Gregg's
annoying fridge notes.
And yet people
still eat my lunch.
Hot Kristen?
She's only hot
compared to homely Kristen.
Really, we should just call her
Regular-Looking Kristen, or
Wore the Same Sweater a
Week After I Did Kristen.
You know? Like Mm-mm.
I'm gonna take that old
lady because I'm a
I'm a good person.
Mmm.
Okay. I got a proposal.
If we're both still
single at 40, you and me.
40? I thought you
were, like, 55.
Hello, DMV MVPs.
So, how's it going
with the consultants?
Great. Great, great, great.
-Four greats. Someone's getting fired.
-Oh!
You had to fire somebody
on your first day?
No.
It's the opposite, actually.
Turns out, they're
not here to cut costs.
They're here
to observe us
to make other branches
more like our branch
because our branch
is the best branch.
Huh?
-Yeah. -Hmm.
-Makes sense to me.
-Right. -That tracks.
-Correct.
Everybody is happy,
and I am doing a
great job so far.
Who ate my meatball sub?
Whenever you're ready.
So I just said I
just said before, you
We can start whenever
you're ready.
Ready?
Yeah.
Where are you? No! Stop!
Wrong pedal. Wrong
Other pedal. Stop.
-What do you want?
-You're not stopping. You're not
Oh, my God. Oh.
This is a wheelchair.
-Give me that. Give it to me. Stop.
-No.
Get off the wheel!
I'm driving here!
My God. You're not
stopping. That's a kid.
Kid. Kid. Stop. Stop
the car right now!
-Oh, my God. Building!
-Oh. No.
Stop!
Did I pass?
No.
Oh. She kind of
looks just like you.
- I
- love this branch, I do.
No one shall be impacted here.
S-Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, no. How close did you come?
My life flashed before my eyes.
-Hmm.
-Yeah, well, it was a real wake up call.
I can't throw away my
life in some dead-end job
for crappy pay and
no hope of happiness.
No offense, Gregg.
Oh, I wasn't offended
until you said Gregg.
Oh, sorry. Well, I've decided
I am gonna make a move on Noa.
What's a good ice-breaker?
Mm. Tell him to put
one in his mouth and
Stop. What's a good
ice-breaker, Gregg?
Why don't you ask
him if he wants
to adopt that dog
you're fostering?
Oh, my God. That is a good idea.
I mean, 'cause if
he's not a dog person,
I mean, that is a
deal-breaker anyway.
Mm. Not sure you're
in a position
to start imposing deal-breakers.
-What does that mean?
-Well,
when was the last time
you went on a second date?
January of '23.
Y-You have no idea
how hard it is
to be a single woman
in her thirties, okay?
Is it any harder than being
a Black man in his sixties?
Ee
I don't know.
Is it? Um, prob
May No.
I'm so sorry.
I'm going in. Teeth?
Mm, a little yellow,
one's crooked.
-No. Is there anything in them?
-Mm. A yellowish color?
Doesn't matter. I'm going in.
Greggles, I'm gonna win
you a hundred bucks.
-Have a good day.
-She's looking good.
Oh, but what's this?
Hazard in the road, pal.
-Noa.
-Ooh.
An illegal U-turn.
Looks like someone's
headed to the rest stop
to wait out adverse conditions.
John, up high.
What do I like
most about working here? Um
Honestly, it's got to be the
constant rush of superiority.
Also, my favorite karaoke bar
is two blocks down the street,
so on the weekends, I
just park my car here.
I do an amazing Beyoncé.
E, too. Yeah.
Oh. Also, if there is a
prize for best employee
and/or best dressed, I will
just take it in cash value.
-Do we do that?
-No.
-Oh, hey.
-Hi.
-Noa, right?
-Yeah.
-Cool. I'm, um
-Colette.
-I know. Hi.
-Oh. You know my name.
-Yeah.
-That's great.
Our girl's going back in.
-Oh, come on, Colette.
-I was just wondering
if you might be interested
in adopting this little guy?
I-I don't think
you're showing me
what you think
you're showing me.
My God.
Yeah, that wasn't for you.
Hey, I know a good podiatrist
-if you need one.
-Mm-mm.
-Kind of looks like you might.
-On it.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
This is the dog.
Oh. That is crazy.
Yeah, it's crazy. I
shouldn't have asked, but
No, it's crazy 'cause,
look. Marvin Gray he
was a bulldog, as well.
You had a bulldog
named Marvin Gray?
-I did.
-Oh, my God, your abs.
solutely perfect, Marvin!
-He was the best.
-Mm. Well,
can understand if you're
not ready yet, so
I mean, I'm not not ready
So
Right.
Do you see what I see?
The connection between them,
or the menstrual pad
stuck to her skirt?
How long have you been
working at the DMV?
-Ah, it's just temporary.
-Right.
Is what I've been
saying to myself
every year for the
past five years.
The benefits make it
really hard to leave.
It was such a relief to
finally have insurance.
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm-I'm always injuring myself surfing.
Mm, congrats on the
lay back, by the way.
Thank you.
-Wait. How-how do you?
-Your Instagram.
But I follow everyone
in the office.
Did you think it was
just you?
You're acting as paranoid
as your great-aunt Linda.
-Okay.
-Anyway,
I'm very busy.
-I'm a busy gal.
-Right.
Sorry.
What is that? Hey.
How did that get there?
Um, I-I assume that you
went to the bathroom.
Yeah, I think that's
what happened.
Okay, well, welcome to the team.
-Thank you.
-Noa.
It's a shame we can never,
ever, ever speak again.
Bye.
-Bye.
-See ya.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm really good.
-All right.
-So good.
You can just Venmo
me that hundred.
I'm BigBallz16, with a "Z."
Get off me.
Oh, why? Why? Why?
Move it, Steve.
I'm just worried about when
the truth comes out, and then
everybody knows, and
there's literally nothing
-Call you back, Ma.
-Barb, I-I got to go home.
I'm not well.
Wait. Do you have diarrhea?
-'Cause there's a nasty bug going around
-Ew.
-No. Um, I just I had a headache.
-Okay.
Well, then, take some aspirin,
and then I need you to
And diarrhea. Got
lots of diarrhea.
You need to go. The last
thing this place needs is
another case of the runs.
The plumbing's already proved
it's in no condition
to handle that.
-Yeah.
-And I'm not plunging again.
Oh. Noa.
Looks like we're
staying put, Old Girl.
Don't you think it's ironic
that the state is
spending all this money
on you two to figure out
what's wrong with the DMV,
when everyone knows what's wrong
is that we don't
have enough money.
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Um
It says here that you used
to teach high school English?
-Ooh.
-Tell us about that.
Yeah.
Nah.
Hmm.
Oh. Yeah, that's
doable.
There's nothing to
be nervous about.
Vic is a professional.
I hope this isn't
inappropriate to say,
but you are way too attractive
to work in consulting.
-It's highly inappropriate.
-My bad.
You are both too attractive
to work in consulting.
But I'm honestly
pumped you're here
because I have a huge problem.
I requested time off
because my mama passed away,
but was denied.
-That is terrible.
-I'm so sorry.
I appreciate that.
And it's happened twice.
Okay.
Aah.
This is great.
And boom. Proof of residence.
Hey, uh, I am so sorry.
Coupons are not a valid
proof of residence.
You do realize your job is
-to ruin peoples' lives?
-Are you talking to me?
No, not you, Lon. I'm talking
to some clown at the DMV.
Because my assistant quit.
Can't imagine why.
-This is mine now.
-It's out of ink anyway.
Enjoy.
Ooh. Aah!
Ooh, it's really in there.
Um, hmm.
Come on.
Oh. Oh.
-Ooh
-Oh, my God!
-Hey, Regular Kristen.
-Are you okay?
Yeah. Fine.
-What are you doing?
-So random.
I was climbing out the window,
and, um, my shirt
got stuck on a nail,
and then I took the
shirt
the shirt off, and I realized
my-my stomach is in the nail?
I'm gonna go get some help.
That'd be nice. Thank you.
-What are you doing?
-Getting a photo first.
Ah, God.
Can you just get the security
guard? Just the security guard.
And what would you say is the
average customer waiting time?
I'd have to say, caring
too much about my job.
I'm sorry. What
was the question?
Average customer wait time?
I'm sorry.
He is typing way more
than what I'm saying.
-Can I see?
-No.
Of course. That was
unprofessional, Barb.
-Sorry. Um Give it to me!
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
-Let me just take a look at it.
Aah. I
I need you to write good
things, please, okay? Just
Today is literally my
first day as manager here,
and I want to do a good job.
-I love working here.
-Why?
I mean, why?
Because what we do here
makes a difference.
Having a driver's license
means independence.
And whether or not you have one
isn't based on
what you look like
or how much money you make
or if you went to college.
It's like that on
the outside, sure,
but not here. And
most importantly,
I love every single
person that works here.
We're a team.
We're one, big, happy family.
We've got a jumper.
Hey, everyone.
Hey, hey, what is
going on in there?
Oh, wow.
Oh, good. You made it.
We can't just pull the
nail. She might bleed out.
It's-it's right in that
fleshy part of her stomach.
-Oh, that's called a muffin top.
-Ah.
You see how her excess
fat kind of hangs over
-when her skirt's too tight?
-Mm-hmm.
-Ah.
-It's like the top of a
Muffin, yes. Thank you, Ceci.
You're a real girl's girl.
Well, this seems to
be under control.
Shall I show you
the new eye charts?
-We switched to Helvetica.
-Oh, we're not leaving now.
No, no, no. Oddly invested.
How old is that bra?
-It's just lived in.
-Yeah, and you know,
your left breast is a lot
bigger than your right one?
It's official.
This is my rock bottom.
You know, my takeaway
from this is how beautiful
she looks up there.
And how calm she's staying.
That's the kind of energy that
makes someone a good mother.
Why are you helping?
You bet against them.
Yeah. For her.
Okay, um, I'm gonna
go around back and
suss things out.
Not till you buy her
dinner, you won't.
Uh, I-I swear nothing like
this has ever happened before.
Yeah, even the best
branch has its days.
-Best branch?
-That is what
we like to call ourselves.
No, that's what you
said they call us.
Isn't that why you're here?
No. We're here to decide
whether you should be shut down.
-Shut down?!
-Excuse me, lady?
Was there an email?
Is the room starting to swirl
for anyone else, or just me?
-All right, I'm coming up.
-Careful underneath her,
-she's got terrible diarrhea.
-No,
this is my rock bottom.
-Hang on a second.
-I can't
-lose my job!
-I cannot lose my benefits, Barbara.
I can't be at home
with Tanya all day.
We only have a
successful marriage
because we barely
see each other.
I'm sorry! The truth is,
I don't know what's
gonna happen,
but whatever it is, we're
gonna get through it
because we're a family.
Families get through anything.
These people are not my family.
Haven't seen or heard
from mine in ten years.
Families break up all the time.
-Got it! -Oh.
-Ah.
-Great job, Noa.
-Whoop-de-doo. -Muffin saved.
So should we take the
rest of the day off or what?
That was exciting.
Can't wait to see
what tomorrow brings.
You're coming back tomorrow?
We're here for the year.
Didn't they tell you?
There you go.
You okay?
-Yeah.
-Oh.
-Yeah, you Switch.
-Oh.
My lanyard got stuck in yours.
Hey, did you want to
go get a tetanus shot?
-A tetanus shot?
-Yeah.
I thought you were starting
to get Yeah, yeah.
-Okay.
-I'm gonna get one, yeah.
I don't have
diarrhea, by the way.
-Sorry? What?
-You didn't hear?
-No.
-Oh.
Barbara said I had diarrhea.
Thought you heard, you
didn't. But I don't.
-I just wanted you to know that.
-Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.--
You guys gonna go
to the bar tonight,
celebrate Barb's promotion?
Eh, Tanya wants to talk about
getting a couples' counselor.
-So, I will be there until they kick me out.
-Mm.
Well, I got air-bagged in the
face and impaled on a nail,
so I'm not really in
the mood to celebrate.
-Hey, Colette?
-Oh.
Hi. Um, look, I was thinking.
I would love to know
more about that dog.
Will you be at the bar?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Cool. All right.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-I'll see you there.
-See you at the bar, bro.
I think it would mean a
lot to Barb if I went.
-Big promotion.
-She's so important. -Yeah, Barb.
-Yeah. -Mm-hmm, Barb.
-I'm gonna rally.
I mean, it
wouldn't be the same without you.
Hello!
-We're closed!
-No, you're not!
-No, you're not!
-Yes, we are!
My taxes
pay your salaries!
-What a psycho.
-Open the door!
-No! No!
-You guys, um
-Let me in!
-Please don't embarrass me at the bar.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
Open the door!
Open it! Open it! Open it! Now!
Hey,
someone, open this door now!
Captioned by Media Access